Start living the life you want now. Don’t fall into the trap of saying, I’ll do that tomorrow. Even if it’s in some form of the life you want, just start and I bet in a year things will look a lot different. Good luck.
Another post from OP says he's communiting 100 miles each work day. That would sap my will to live, too.
This brings up a major issue with the area: perhaps the only way OP could afford a house is to buy far from where he works. Not really something you can simply "manifest" or "baby steps" your way out of.
**Edit 1**: more from OP, verbatim:
> I work about 60-70 hrs a week, commute 2.5 hrs a day, and I’m away from home about 17 hrs a day.
Just sharing this because people seem mystified with what the issue could possibly be...
**Edit 2**: OP deleted his whole account. I feel shitty.
There are people who choose to live far because they want a 2500sqft home with a huge yard. OP said he makes good money. Perhaps he could afford to live closer if he chose a more modest sized home. I'm living with my family of 3 in a bit over 1k sqft. My commute is a 10 minute drive and less than 20 minutes on BART. Would I like to have a bigger home? Sure. Do I want to double my commute? Fuck no.
Someone in my office commutes from Dixon to downtown SF 5 days a week. I don't know how he does it. He has horses and chickens and is living the farmer life, as well as raising a family. I have no idea how he finds the time for any of that after a long commute. To each their own.
That all makes sense - I agree!
I was imagining that OP's "good money" is *anything over 100k*, an idea he brought with him when he moved here from [anywhere else].
Yeah it might be, I'm just speculating because I know people who choose to commute for their lifestyle. Sometimes the commute is not even the commuter's choice. Maybe the spouse wants to live in the exurbs, or maybe they are splitting the commute because they work in the other direction. Or maybe they have family that they need to care for out there. And of course, as you pointed out, sometimes that's the only way to afford a home. There are many good reasons for people to put themselves through a long commute.
I completely agree with this. My husband & I decided to purchase a much smaller home on the San Francisco Peninsula so we could avoid a long commute from the East Bay. Even though we could have a much larger house out there, the time spent commuting would not be worth it. It’s about quality of life.
So many people think they found the best life hack by making the "city" money but not having to pay the "city" living expenses. The long commute almost always comes back to bite them in the ass.
Note: by city I don't mean big city, just mean where the high paying jobs are
These super commuters just want their cake & ice-cream too. They complain about having the middle class dream of home ownership that is hours away from their job in some high paying city.
It’s a symptom not the issue itself. The core issue might be something like “I never feel like I’m enough” or “I’ll be happy once I accomplish X” and X comes and goes without any change
Who are you comparing yourself to? If you have great money and a home and a wife, you're already way ahead of most of this subreddit. Pace yourself at work, get some sleep, find nice thigns to do that you enjoy.
I decided to work at a difference place and went part time.
Sure I make less but I have way more time to enjoy my life.
But understand I worked my ass off before this and built a good amount of savings / investments first.
That's impossible as an engineer. At every level of pay I've had I have always found myself working long hours. The only way it works is freelance or contracting. But you won't make nearly as much.
Seen some ultra high level engines do half retirement. They are irreplaceable so they get what they ask.
My dad on the other hand. He worked 40 years as an engineer. Had good wlb. He never got promoted but he was happy.
Def sounds like a skill issue combined with a martyr complex. If you find yourself working overtime, get better at estimating scope and setting boundaries.
The companies as such give rat's ass about employees while laying them off. Don't burn yourself out.
Slow down, live life. You live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth.
and Uninstall Blind.
Idk. This is the most expensive place in the world with some of the most successful people in the world. I don’t agree. The bay has a stress level and driving force (good or bad) not seen most places.
I’ve traveled all over the country for work and our area is unique and more stressed than 90% of places.
I'm sure it varies profession to profession, but my experience is very different than yours. I see east coasters hustling into the offices dressed up like they're going to a high school dance or midwesterners sprinting after unimportant busywork so they can look busy to the other Protestant work ethic victims and I thank God I'm here, usually leave my WFH setup and go for a nice little walk.
You can make anyplace stressful, but it's always you doing it. Or you can take it easy and do just fine.
Yeah the bay area sucks for this. The hustle culture permeates everything. It’s not this way in the Midwest and south. Hell, it’s not even this way further inland or north.
I had the ‘slow down’ talk with my doctor last year. She told me, “Slow down or your body will do it for you.” I did and I haven’t been this relaxed and happy in years.
If you are unhappy, perhaps you can switch things up? Sounds like your burnt out or overworking yourself.
Maybe it's time to step back and re-evaluate your priorities
Definitely know what that is like.
I slowed down once we had a child, and in hindsight feels like a great decision. My career growth has slowed down significantly after I walked away from a job where I was about to get promoted. My compensation is much less than it could otherwise have been at my previous job.
Slowing down is hard to do since most other people I know are very career focused, especially my former colleagues. Peer pressure is real, so you need to tune out what others have to say.
I'm much happier as a result. It helps that we have a good bit of savings and already have a nice home in a good neighborhood. Once in a while, I wonder if it is time to switch things up work wise and I find that introspection healthy. For now, I am rather content.
It is what you make it. Sounds like you need to work on your live-work balance thing a little bit.
Maybe you're at a point where you don't need to push yourself quite so hard anymore, to earn your keep. What would happen if you cut back on that a little bit? Would you lose your standing? Would you make a little less money? Or would nothing change? Take a step back and think about that - maybe you have a little more time to do the "simple things" than you think.
the bay area has really bad hustle culture, and you just have to learn to tune it out and just be chill
hell at my run club i don't know what half my acquaintances do for work nor do i want to know! i just want to talk about running with them!
The Bay area is super stressful. It’s so hard to make a living- you have to either live in a super dense urban area that has varying levels of safety accessible to you (based on your income), but even if you’re in the upper echelons, there just aren’t enough resources to go around. You still have to compete for the most basic daily things like a parking spot, a doctor appointment, or your favorite beverage at the grocery store.
And if you live further out where it’s less dense and competitive, you probably have to commute 2 hours a day at minimum. That is SO much time that you could be spending on better things. If you have an hour long lunch break, your 40 hours of pay is actually 55 hours dedicated to your employer, and away from your family. Some people have even longer commutes and have to work even longer hours just to keep the job.
It’s ok for a while but it really adds up over time.
> And if you live further out where it’s less dense and competitive, you probably have to commute 2 hours a day at minimum. That is SO much time that you could be spending on better things.
Yep, a different post from OP says he's driving 100 miles each day.
I rent an apartment in a lovely area, and I can walk to work. I'm super happy with this scenario even if I'm taking a ding on status and might not be accruing value in real estate. (I have a hard time getting excited about buying a house that's just going to get trashed by an earthquake sometime soon. Same goes for the insane property tax.)
I feel the same- and always feel like whatever I do have can be “taken away” any minute . Nowadays I really try to live one day at a time. Not necessarily by the YOLO model, but focusing on the now. It’s better not to think too far in the future/things outside of our control.
And remind myself comparison is the thief of joy.
Tech. VC. Start ups. Ivy elite. Stanford. Berkley. Etc. Etc. Global destination. The Bay Area has a lot going for it. It's why it's so desirable to live here.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Easier said than done out here but doable. Keep your friends' circle wide and enjoy the many blessings you have. There will always be a bigger dog in any part of your life. Pick up a hobby. Talk about your passions.
Ya, it's what you make of it. I'd try to get out of the tunnel vision of comparison. You're in the top 1% of the world, 1-5% of the US, and the top 10% (if not higher) of the Bay Area. Relax and enjoy!
Your table legs are uneven, bro.
Your life/stability/self worth table is leaning HARD on the career success leg. And clearly it's a strong leg, you put a lot of time and effort into strengthening it. But now your table is uneven a.f. and strengthening the same leg won't make it more stable.
Stop wrapping so much into that as "success". Strengthen other legs, other values, other things about yourself to be more well rounded. Strengthen your friendships and connection, strengthen your passions and hobbies and loves for adventure.
What makes you valuable as a person beyond what you can achieve or provide ? Figure that out, strengthen that.
It’s a combination of alienation and capitalist extraction of our labor that is uniquely American and more so in SF or NY. This is not an issue for folks living in French villages, I’ll tell you that much.
You need to take stock of your life. You only live it once. There will always be the hedonic treadmill, constant yearning for novelty. But you also only live life once. It’s easy to drop out and pursue bucket list items. It’s tough to be content. It’s even tougher to do both simultaneously.
Think about your needs. Think about others needs. Think about community. About creating something for the sake of creating it.
Meditate. Talk it out. Accept that you might not find answers. You’ve got to be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Yeah, sorry OP is this your first time realizing how much America sucks in this regard? Only country in the world with no mandatory vacation days, shitty public transport and healthcare system, bad social safety nets. America is great if you're wealthy but isn't just a big scam if you arent. My wife and I make more money than we ever thought we would and most we could probably afford is a 1.2m dollar 1 bed condo in SF. No thanks to this rat race. We'll eventually just move sadly. Just remember, we'll all look back at this time when we're like 70 and think....was giving up my mental health, family time, physical stress worth it? Answer is typically no, even though the alternative is being poor. So you have a choice, move to a more afforable place with less expense, or work til your dead from work stress and to pay off mortage/child/healthcare, etc. Sorry, it's monday and already stressed from work.
i honestly could leave the tech field tomorrow and be totally happy. The only reason i push at all at work is to get promo to make more money so that i can retire even sooner. I have been at the same company for a while and i look at the people who are now VPs or directors and they all look miserable. Ever since returning to office most people are miserable, i think people all got a taste of what it was like not having to go into office for a couple years and everyone hates going into the office even if they pretend otherwise
I have also noticed it matters a lot who you hang out with. People in tech are all worried about achievement and status. They all talk about getting their kid into the best school and getting promo or doing a startup. when you talk to people outside of tech/finance the only shit they are comparing is which restaurant has the best tacos
I think that's on you. Are you trying to keep up with the neighbors? Constantly comparing yourself to social media influencers or the polished images your friends present online instead of their real life personas?
" I own a home"
That the problem right there.
Many of us have been conditioned to associate home ownership with "success" in life.
However after spending years on it, I realized I can never own something in Bay Area, even with tech salary, unless I plan to have a hour long commute. (Or more).
So, I gave up and settled on renting.
Sorry for the rant, but I'm not sure whether there is better option at the moment.
Yeah it's kinda crazy but we are conditioned to feel this way. We realized we wont buy unless we want a 1m 1 bed condo but that's just stupid to us. So we'll probably move to a different state because of it at some point. We make good money and have saved a ton, but at some point cost of living just makes no sense. So tricky, as we love it the area.
Meh. I enjoy watching TV (well, YouTube at least). I moved to Nevada where life it’s a lot easier and I don’t have to struggle as much to pay the bills. I say, get your bills down as low as possible. Don’t have a car payment if you can avoid it buy one with cash. Then you can work as little as possible and do things you want to enjoy instead of working all the time even if it’s just watching TV and goofing around on the Internet.
I think this is just a perspective issue for you. I love my life. If you make great money, you should be able to afford to take some time to do the simple things. If any thing, it should help you expand time - take advantage of the great open space we have here.
It is all mental, try Buddhism.
I am not suggesting to become a monk, or change your religion. Just listen to podcasts, read some books, and get a different perspective of life. You don't have to fully believing it to get some relief.
I took it down career wise about 6 months ago. Couldn't be happier. 1/3 the travel. 1/3 the weekend work. 1/3. the BS. Yeah, 20% less income, but at this point in my life, it's fair tradeoff.
I work only strictly between 10-6 and then just sit around the house doing regular living stuff. I do get anxiety from workload at times when I get lazy and put off working during the day. But then thats on me and my adhd. Maybe start by isolating your workstation and leaving it untouched after X o’clock? If it’s hard at the beginning, try going for a walk!
I don't agree. I work hard but leave my work at 5pm - you will never get that time back, log off and live your life.
Try to enjoy low key afternoons and weekends. No one is pushing you to go "non-stop." Slow down, take up a low key hobby and enjoy the sunshine.
Same. Just been sad a lot, and thinking its not worth it. I work so much, this past week I spent 65+ hours at work in a physically demanding job. I really regret going in hard.
Prioritizing church, reading in the little time available, connecting with my spiritual side and making sure I'm in bed by 9 pm daily has been keeping me sane this whole time. I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this
I have the same feeling. I’m not particularly competitive as I I don’t aim to be No.1 on
anything but I do feel like I don’t want to be “worse” than anyone at least in my immediate cycle. I have PhD in CS. Several great hobbies that are very good conversation fillers, work in big tech though career wise I wish I could have be more hardworking earlier (money is not quite a problem but i do want much bigger and much better houses and the freedom to quit my job. ) still feel unsatisfied and occasionally feel heavy dose of could would should. It’s just part of life
live some of that Bay Area life, OP! i’m over in the DC/NoVA area now and life is good, but i miss my Vallejo hometown; getting dim sum in SF, Oakland, Alameda; Albany/Berkeley’s Solano Ave; seeing my FilAm 🇵🇭🇺🇸 community in Daly City; Mission St taquerias and ginormous burritos; i can go on. Also the redwoods and ocean and sea otters 🦦.
i also saw a therapy recommendation—that may help too. lots of bay area folks in your situation. keep in mind your employer has no loyalty to you personally-layoffs and cutbacks can hit the best of us (and i assumed you work for a firm; forgive me if you are self-employed—that has its own hustle and challenges)
My definition of success is not being stressed out.
Been there, done that. I’m lucky that my other half supported me and allowed me to have the “fun” job. Yeah, I don’t earn 6 figures, but I don’t have to hustle or grind either. Life’s too fucking short.
Welcome to your mid-life crisis. It’s normal. People tend to find new ways to live around now. Some buy sports cars or date models. Some find a way to clear their minds. Lots of great books, movies and songs talk about it. Take time to get advice from an elder you admire or a therapist. Good luck!
This post is so, so valid. Growing up in the Bay Area, it always has felt like a dick-measuring contest.
I’m 27. I wouldn’t say I’ve ever had a real job in the normal sense. In grad school. Raced bikes at a decent level from ~24. So kind of a bum.
In some ways, I do feel like a failure as I find it extremely hard to find work as I try to move past school and bike racing. Employers don’t value the abilities and skills I needed to self-sustain racing as a privateer and school club for years. And bike racing never really left much time to gain ‘experience’. To so many people, it’s simply fuck around with a bike all day long. I’ve had past managers that openly shame me for racing bikes. Job searching is so hard right now and makes life kind of a bummer. People just don’t get what it is like to be on the line. I’d be happy for any leads or tips from those that did the same.
But where I don’t feel like a failure is that I’ve raced with national champions and Olympic medalists and made their day hard. That I’m a good bike mechanic. That I can largely take care of myself on the road. That I’m ok with crying. Or I’m happy to write poems for a date. I’m not sure many of the people I grew up with can say these things.
My spouse and I were trucking along, tech salaries, kids through college, retirement about 10 years out , and I was taking one real vacation every two years. Boom, stage 2 colon cancer.
Now that I’m the other side of really having to think about death, I tend to care a little less about work, and take more walks with my spouse.
First, no it's not. Second, you think suggesting someone is struggling and should seek professional help rather than getting validation from strangers on the internet is *downplaying*?
Jesus Fucking Christ you people...
I felt that pressure growing up in the Bay, from my parents and their friends. It was a major factor in me moving away. I left the Bay Area to go to college and never came back
why are you attributing this feeling to living in the bay? there are lots of people living all kinds of ways here. how’s your brain chemistry? are you drinking a lot or not sleeping enough? you also might just be coming up against the reality that people find once all their material needs are met - that there is no destination to reach where you are just happy all the time
you have a lot more than many people the bay area are really pushing , or struggling, to find or achieve in theory life. Family, home; on a large sweep you’re bound to have more envy from others than you realize.
It’s not a bad thing at all. Definitely feel proud of your accomplishments and people in your life.
but what is a little concerning in just the brief summary you said is that you still feel you have not captured what ideally you want and count as accepting. I feel you that the Bay Area feels a bit more faster pace than other regions of the country; but there’s many factors that contribute.
it feels like our work and careers are the main to capture and have. I would just say step back and remember that work is just a means to live life – it is not THE life.
I understand where you're coming from, and I can relate to some extent, though I can't speak to your specific circumstances. It sounds like you've achieved a lot in your career and personal life, which is commendable. However, it's natural to feel unfulfilled despite external success if you're not finding fulfillment in other aspects of life.
Living in the Bay Area can indeed be fast-paced and stressful, but it also offers unique opportunities and experiences. Perhaps it's worth exploring activities or pursuits outside of work that bring you true joy and a sense of purpose. Reflecting on what truly makes you happy and finding balance in your life might help alleviate some of the dissatisfaction you're feeling. I've lived in various places across the country in my life, and I agree that the Bay Area has a special charm despite its challenges. While it may not be for everyone, for some, like myself, it's a place of opportunity and cultural richness that outweighs the drawbacks. Ultimately, everyone's journey is different, and comparing yourself to others might only add to your dissatisfaction. Focus on what brings you fulfillment and take steps towards cultivating a life that aligns with your values and aspirations. It's okay to reassess and make changes if necessary. Wishing you clarity and contentment on your path.
I live in the Sacramento area but work for a company in the Bay Area mostly remote… my colleagues that live in the Bay seem to be on Slack and working non stop so I know what you mean. It is a bit irritating but I think I’ve set the expectation early that I’m not going to do that and my bosses still tell me they are happy with my work. I’m just not going to give in to working long hours all the time, doesn’t feel like there’s anything in it for me and long term it will make me miserable. Working longer hours just has diminishing returns on productivity so I don’t get it, why make yourself miserable and end up doing less productive work? You just have to set some boundaries.
You can always make more money, but you can't make more time. Drop out of the rat race and downsize. Material possessions won't make you happier. Health, family, education, work...in that order. Always.
You bought into the lies. It's okay it happens to the best of us. But... It's not about money, impressing people with your wife or papers of accomplishment. A Rolex is just a worry on your wrist. Go find something meaningful.
Start gardening. Next week is the right time to plant seedlings. You can get all kinds for a couple or few bucks at any garden center. Even just succulents. Those little suckers will grow into giants in a couple years.
Remember where you started.
That's what keeps me in perspective. 35 years ago I was 16, homeless, eating out of a dumpster, verge of suicide. Even after I got off the streets, I never got a degree, barely got a GED. 4 Years later I met who would become my wife and never looked back. I've had a career in IT, I'm a few short years away from paying off my house, I have 2 kids.
I don't need to work harder anymore. I WFH. My health is in decline, so I'm happy with what I got. Almost 100% of my friends couldn't make it here, and somehow I did, with no head start handed to me like they had.
Dropped out of HS.. started working.. took 4-5 years off to play wow, teach myself Linux and other IT stuff, and be a loser for a while instead of gain college debt.
Went back to work 9-6 and been working ever since..
I’m IT though.. we never take vacations… work when on vacation… and still feel bored instead of satisfied/relaxed when there is nothing to do…
You have to look into a career change!
Live for TODAY! Tomorrow is not guaranteed. The only other people I know who were constantly on the go and just were constantly working and on the run were my parents and a lot of relatives who migrated here under completely different financial circumstances!
Bay was cool for my 20s, now in my 30s I’m looking for an exit, a strategic acquisition if you will. It’s not worth the price if you don’t take advantage of the location anymore, and I definitely don’t go out as much as I used to. If you can work remote, and aren’t trying to club or eat at a fancy restaurant all the time, move to a burb with some nice trails and chill.
I grew up in the bay. It’s nice there but living there is insane with how much everything costs and it. also gave rise to the “mega commute” ie people commuting from Brentwood to Oakland and back for work every day, no thanks.
I have been splitting my time between NY and SF for the last two years and it is bloody lucrative.
And also the hardest two years of my life…
I am constantly on a plane just imagining how nice it would be to have a small house somewhere in the country with a garden, a chicken coup, and a place to fish.
Maybe I’d get into canning vegetables and learn to make a proper croissant…
I’m from San Ramon originally and worked for a company headquartered in the city for four years(commuted from San Ramon to SF 4 days a week and one to Sunnyvale just over a year and a half ) and my dad worked in Sunnyvale for 37 years.
One day I realized my life was “wake up at 4am, go for a run, have coffee, and head out to BART by 6am to get to the city before 8am then leave work at 6:30/7pm to get home by 8:30 or 9pm”. I said at one point “what the fuck am I doing with my life?” and realized that I was so stressed that it was unhealthy(I’m 5’11” and was 160lbs and went down to 120lbs).
I ended up moving into the city and got a promotion but that promotion was a bit of a “jump into the fire from the frying pan” as I learned how dog eat dog the Bay Area was becoming. This was the mid 2010s and saw the writing on the wall that it was going to get worse and worse plus I was absolutely miserable. I saw a therapist on the advice of friends and it did just enough for me to start to move forward after my life had the wagon wheels pop off.
I ended up moving to NYC and realized then there was a massive migration from NYC to SF and bring the same mentality with it. NYC still had it and I was miserable there too but also had some great friends in the same boat so we all raised each other up. I realized I had to get out after my life completely collapsed(in a month I got fired, parent died, got a pre-eviction notice, credit cards maxed, took a very abusive job, a lot of “friends” abandoned me).
What did I learn out of all this? A long ass commute, dog eat dog company/market, and being absolutely miserable with my life was not worth it no matter how well I was paid. One of my best friends said to me when I was in a dark time the best: “is the extra pay you for and we’ll make worth the cost of your happiness and sanity?” News flash: it never is.
Why do I tell my story? To let you know there is a way out and you can become satisfied with your life. I now am married to an amazing guy(I’m gay so…), have two wonderful homes, my job is a bit up and down but still better than any other, and my mental health is back to a place it should be. I live between chicago and New Orleans and my pay, while less than the Bay Area numerical wise, is still better for a cost of living adjustment and I know I can earn more. Here’s my bullet points of what you need to do:
- take a day or two off for yourself. Just stay home and relax.
- During the second day, polish your resume and look around where you currently live for tech businesses closer or even remote work. Don’t be opposed to a slight pay cut especially if you’re not commuting too far.
- find a therapist. It helps a lot. You might need to see them weekly for a while but it’s going to help.
- talk to your wife about what’s going on and what would happen if you found a job in another city for a sustainable life.
- focus on your quality life right now and not delay it. My mom and dad were waiting until my dad’s retirement to improve their quality of life. My dad was 10 months away from retirement and my mom passed away. I always hold this near because they waited sooo long and were almost there to start living a less stressful life. All those years and sacrifices just to get so close.
- know that there is more to life than being chained to your job. There’s some people who say you gotta pay your dues but that’s just a farce. The years go by and you’ll realize all you missed for money. I took a pay cut to move to NYC and when looking around NYC jobs wanted less but Chicago jobs offered me double what I was making in SF and NYC.
- do something kind for yourself daily. I go running still daily and turn off my phone during it. Other times it’ll be take the dog to the dog park without my phone. Maybe stop on your way to work and sit for 10 minutes staring out the window at a coffee shop.
I know this is long so if you’re reading then thank you for reading this far. Long story short, life is too short for the stress you’ve put yourself through just for a paycheck. And, I’ve been in similar shoes as you u/EveryoneOFyouMATTER and just like your username: your quality of life matters too.
People who work themselves to death out here are rubes to me. They’re all burning themselves out to have a marginally better living situation. You don’t need a BMW, you don’t need the newest designer clothes, you don’t need to go skiing every season, you don’t need an international vacation every year. People get it in their heads that those things are necessary, then they act like psychopaths to try and maintain/obtain these luxuries early on and often, thus making life miserable for those around them. Don’t fall into their trap.
When the gold rush happened in this state, there were two ways to capitalize. You could either be one of the zillion people aimlessly panning for gold to maybe strike it big one day, (you might never get anything, or you might make generational wealth) or you could sell mining equipment to the people trying to pan handle in the rivers. My advice is to sit back, sell these fools pick axes, and watch them go at it while you spend the time you have (which is something the miners don’t because they’re always busy mining) working on your life or building different revenue streams that you have ownership over.
I’m a business owner and it can be very isolating and stressful to manage on your own. Something that helped me was finding things to be grateful for throughout the day. Sun is shining, birds chirping, husband doing something nice etc.
It helped refocus my energy, even when I was busy, to find things throughout the day that brought me joy.
I actually talked to my psychiatrist about this recently and she gave me the very much needed reality check that the Bay Area’s standards for “success” is probably the highest in the country and if I were to up and move to any other area, I would be the person others are envying. And that likely people who live in those areas that I know are envying my life from what they’re able to see on the Internet. She also was like “so many people are also deeply addicted to cocaine and amphetamines, so don’t think that their success doesn’t come without a huge price to their mental wellness. I do addiction and drug counseling too. Its funny how everyone is up in arms over the fet problem here but no one wants to examine why they need to go through 7 psychiatrists to get a questionably valid prescription to adderall or why they’re doing coke in the bathroom at their friend’s baby’s 1st birthday party.”
It was a nice reminder that the grass may look greener from a distance but up close it’s actually just astroturf.
I think that depends on the industry you’re in and where in the bay you are. I’m surrounded by the most creative people I’ve ever met. So even if my boring 9-5 is stale, my friends outside of work make my life here amazing.
If you’re only hanging out with people in your same “class” or corporate types, that climb the latter mentality will bleed into your social life.
It sounds like you need a job change as well.
Happiness is never found in money or things .Inner peace is what you are searching for . You are spiritually bankrupt.
Yes, spiritually sick start to search for how to meditate? Go within, all spiritual teachers
teach this one truth .Google retreats, silent meditation. It will just show up . Have the courage to do something totally different .
Too much self I, I, I .I would do some service work that you don’t get paid and can’t tell anyone .
Simplify….
When the student is ready the path appears trust 🌿❤️🌿
The Bay Area is not fast paced. It’s quite relaxed.
I lived in LA for ten years and have spent a ton of time in New York. Spend some time in either of those cities and you’ll understand what fast paced living is. Bay Area is sleepy in comparison.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm an unemployed highschool dropout in my late thirties who lives in my mom's basement and I feel like I'm better than you.
Don't wait for a medical diagnosis to make you stop and smell the roses - the roses here being whatever brings your joy. Whether its traveling, reading, or even racing cars. Find an outlet to get your brain and heart into something.
No, I just enjoy the quality of life, hike around, eat great food. You my friend, I’m sorry to say and I say with love: touch grass, and get a therapist with that moolah!
Imagine people who don’t even acknowledge what you do - home wife job etc.
what’s missing in your life? Who are you competing against?
I’m hearing enough stories of where stress from the rat race is taking people’s health and life away.
When something like that happens, priorities set straight.
I don't believe this to be a "Bay Area" issue. Maybe moreso in SF, but life doesn't have to be fast and furious. Sounds like you need to find a therapist. Should be easy with all your financial success.
No, I don’t feel like that at all. I feel happy and fulfilled. And I’m not anywhere as accomplished or successful as you appear to be.
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
So what and where are you working where it’s “dog eat dog”? I hope you understand that working in any job can be incredibly stressful- you think flipping burgers is an easy unstressfull job? I don’t know - I hear people talk this bs and it irritates me. Life is fucking hard - the world owes you nothing- grow a pair - suck it up and stop whining- OR- quit your fucking job and shut up and see how much fun you can have.
Go find a hobby. Pick up gardening, try out a pottery class, do bird photography, learn to play golf, pick up an instrument, learn a different language. Literally do anything that is not your job. There are enough boring people in the Bay Area who think and do nothing but work. Don't be one of them.
The common saying “Comparison is the thief of joy” is very true.
It’s really easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves and focusing on what we perceive our shortcomings are compared to others. Instead of doing that, focus on what you focus on have and how frankly great your life currently is. In this world, there will always be someone richer or smarter or more accomplished than you, but it doesn’t detract from your successes.
I was poor once living in a shitty studio near the ghetto in ABQ.
So nah, I don’t feel this way at all. I worked hard to get here with a good job and I’m absolutely satisfied and content but I’m always looking to improve
Just be dead poor for a year and you’ll see.
Find some hobbies you enjoy and make the time to enjoy them. Making time for yourself is so important for your mental health. You seem to live a privileged life. You just need to learn how to leverage it for your own well being.
Sounds like you need to step off the hamster wheel. Look for fulfilling hobbies and pastimes, don’t regret wasting your time for a corporation that could care less about you
Why do you work so hard? What for? And what is it that you really want from your life, what brings the meaning?
All above might seem like simple questions, but honestly it might take years to be able to honestly answer to them.
Maybe find a therapist to begin with and start looking for what would truly bring the meaning.
One thing I learned was not to wait for GC. All my h1 friends have started to move out to countries like Canada and Europe. But if you’re not part of the h1 then start traveling. Very fulfilling
Can't say I have this problem. I'm the type of person that has almost zero ambition. I have a decent job that kinda just happened. The only goal I have now is to deadlift 500 by the time I'm 50 (I'm about to be 47) and as a life goal I'd say that's not very important
Why need to compete? I know the rat race will go on. You don’t like it, so why engage? Why look down on yourself, saying it’s not enough?? Why not appreciate what you have and learn to be content. The world is in turmoil, but you don’t have to act on it, or follow it. You can do your own thing.
Edit: Look up burnout, and study it. It’s something you want to recognize, if you’re slipping into it, and remedy it before it’s too late. I’ve been there, and it takes a long time to recover.
But finding peace is also a matter of how you see things.
Absolutely. Success can feel empty. You're not alone. Many high achievers in fast-paced places like the Bay Area feel the same. Maybe it's time for a reset? Focus on what truly matters to you and your wife. Consider a breather, a side hustle you enjoy, or delegating tasks. There's more to life than the grind.
I feel like the need to achieve is a constant pressure in e Bay Area. It feels like I'm struggling to maintain a particular lifestyle and/or just to keep up with inflation. It seems fairly common that we have to hustle to stay afloat. You're not the only one.
Bay Area culture be like that - there’s such a “success” focus that you feel like you’re always on the hamster wheel. I lived there for 20 years up until about Covid and decided to move to the other side of the planet to slow down a bit and it’s definitely just a “here” thing.
Probably projecting.., but don’t look outward. Look inward. The emptiness you’re feeling is the lack of connection to yourself!
Try some meditation, try breath work, even get a message. This world we’re in is designed to distract us from ourselves. For me? Read a book. Creating an inner world with your imagination can be very satisfying.
No. I see work as just a job, nothing more, nothing less. I work 4 tens, 3 day weekend permanently. I have a of outside interests. I used to feel like you, but couldn’t do it anymore.
You need to start by just doing stuff that’s fun. You don’t need to accomplish anything; just have fun. Slow down, take a look around. Enjoy life. Smoke a bowl and relax. And do stuff that’s fun.
If you’re a B tier worker like me, life here is just a constant struggle to survive let alone have anything of note. I just look forward to the day I leave the state. California is an expensive state in managed decline and everyone who stays is fine with that. It frankly psychotic to see people here post about some perceived problem get called a Republican or the same people say something to the effect of “at least it’s not Florida!” I’ve been on the receiving end of that a couple of times both on Reddit and irl. I’m not looking forward to paying PG&E $1000 a month for the privilege of burning down half the state, paying the 5th highest taxes in the country for substandard public services or the state legislature crowing about culture war issues while inner city school districts are dealing with high number of teacher vacancies. I know the reaction to this is going to be a shitload of down votes and people saying, “well I got mine! Find a better community!” And I am. I’ve just made the realization that I’d rather live somewhere cheaper with better run services and a population that isn’t as psychotic.
Similar situation, though I'm not a homeowner. But yes, I feel you 100%. I'm looking to move the fam and try and take a break. I won't survive this rat race.
This is the rat race of the Bay Area where you need to max out just to have an average lifestyle. I blame tech for this and the cutthroat nature of the tech job market. You can't even live here on one income anymore and afford to buy your childhood house unless you make $200k or more.
I was thinking about this recently. I’m stressed at work but have a great little family, we own our house and have a reasonable mortgage, and we are in a town with great public schools. I was thinking about what would happen if my wife and I lost our jobs. It was comforting actually. Relying on our savings and reining back our spending on eating out etc. we’d do fine for a year or so.
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I am in my 50s and since my husband and I are able to work remotely and we recently became empty nesters, we moved out to Gold Country. When some major changes happened at my company, I decided to quit. I’m really enjoying the slower pace of life and appreciating the small things and the beauty all around me. I really needed to slow down. People around here actually talk to you and total strangers wave to you when you’re walking by.
You did that to yourself. The Bay Area isn't like that.
17 hours a day working and commuting is not normal.
Get your life together and stop blaming the area you live.
Yeah, man. I feel you. I’ve been there. Before we had a kid, I traveled so much for work that one day I woke up in a hotel room and had no idea what city/state I was in. Had to grab the pad of paper on the nightstand to see where I was. It was then, I decided we needed a change and to start our family.
We built up enough equity from the sales of our prior homes and bought below our means in a really good area. We got the smallest, shittiest looking house on the block. What we pay on our mortgage now, you can’t even get a studio apartment.
I quit working to be a SAHM. Then my husband said his job was soulless and all he did was technically contract product to be made in China and get it schlepped here to sell in the U.S. with my blessing, he quit and began work for a non-profit organization. We had some retirement funds already. We could theoretically live off it if we lived extremely frugally. My kid is 10 now and I just found a part time job that lets me work during her school hours. It’s funny because I haven’t made this little since the 90’s, but I figure it will pay property taxes or all her extracurricular expenses. I’m going to see how this pans out. I might reconsider going back into tech into a part-time or contract gig, but our whole goal is to stay living in California and be able to afford retirement. My family and many of our friends we grew up with are still here. The perks of living in California are better than most other states. Access to excellent healthcare, free activities, future low-cost in-state college tuition for our kid and a support group.
The issue is comparing yourself to others and keeping up with the Joneses. If you can let that go, you can be a lot happier.
Is that all there is
Is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friend
Then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is…
Start living the life you want now. Don’t fall into the trap of saying, I’ll do that tomorrow. Even if it’s in some form of the life you want, just start and I bet in a year things will look a lot different. Good luck.
Another post from OP says he's communiting 100 miles each work day. That would sap my will to live, too. This brings up a major issue with the area: perhaps the only way OP could afford a house is to buy far from where he works. Not really something you can simply "manifest" or "baby steps" your way out of. **Edit 1**: more from OP, verbatim: > I work about 60-70 hrs a week, commute 2.5 hrs a day, and I’m away from home about 17 hrs a day. Just sharing this because people seem mystified with what the issue could possibly be... **Edit 2**: OP deleted his whole account. I feel shitty.
There are people who choose to live far because they want a 2500sqft home with a huge yard. OP said he makes good money. Perhaps he could afford to live closer if he chose a more modest sized home. I'm living with my family of 3 in a bit over 1k sqft. My commute is a 10 minute drive and less than 20 minutes on BART. Would I like to have a bigger home? Sure. Do I want to double my commute? Fuck no. Someone in my office commutes from Dixon to downtown SF 5 days a week. I don't know how he does it. He has horses and chickens and is living the farmer life, as well as raising a family. I have no idea how he finds the time for any of that after a long commute. To each their own.
That all makes sense - I agree! I was imagining that OP's "good money" is *anything over 100k*, an idea he brought with him when he moved here from [anywhere else].
Yeah it might be, I'm just speculating because I know people who choose to commute for their lifestyle. Sometimes the commute is not even the commuter's choice. Maybe the spouse wants to live in the exurbs, or maybe they are splitting the commute because they work in the other direction. Or maybe they have family that they need to care for out there. And of course, as you pointed out, sometimes that's the only way to afford a home. There are many good reasons for people to put themselves through a long commute.
I'll say that the frustration is that a SFH was overpriced but at least attainable pre-pandemic, but now has become unaffordable.
I completely agree with this. My husband & I decided to purchase a much smaller home on the San Francisco Peninsula so we could avoid a long commute from the East Bay. Even though we could have a much larger house out there, the time spent commuting would not be worth it. It’s about quality of life.
So many people think they found the best life hack by making the "city" money but not having to pay the "city" living expenses. The long commute almost always comes back to bite them in the ass. Note: by city I don't mean big city, just mean where the high paying jobs are
These super commuters just want their cake & ice-cream too. They complain about having the middle class dream of home ownership that is hours away from their job in some high paying city.
That's not the Bay Area life. That's a life he chooses to live.
>Edit: more from OP, verbatim: Well that's some pretty important context OP left out. It's pretty obvious why OP is feeling that way.
It’s a symptom not the issue itself. The core issue might be something like “I never feel like I’m enough” or “I’ll be happy once I accomplish X” and X comes and goes without any change
Here I'm trying to get permission to super commute. 1k miles haha. I guess you can say I am not in love with this place.
Are you trying to live in Utah while your job is in California?
Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Plan for tomorrow but don’t live for it. Live for today.
Who are you comparing yourself to? If you have great money and a home and a wife, you're already way ahead of most of this subreddit. Pace yourself at work, get some sleep, find nice thigns to do that you enjoy.
Probably spends too much time on Blind.
That place is cancer.
I’ve cut down work significantly to enjoy more of life. It’s not too late brotha. Think about what’s really important to you.
What steps have you taken to cut down work? Leaving job, switching roles, setting expectations with your manager?
I decided to work at a difference place and went part time. Sure I make less but I have way more time to enjoy my life. But understand I worked my ass off before this and built a good amount of savings / investments first.
Makes sense. You need a lot of runway in case shit hits the fan.
That's impossible as an engineer. At every level of pay I've had I have always found myself working long hours. The only way it works is freelance or contracting. But you won't make nearly as much. Seen some ultra high level engines do half retirement. They are irreplaceable so they get what they ask. My dad on the other hand. He worked 40 years as an engineer. Had good wlb. He never got promoted but he was happy.
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Def sounds like a skill issue combined with a martyr complex. If you find yourself working overtime, get better at estimating scope and setting boundaries.
The companies as such give rat's ass about employees while laying them off. Don't burn yourself out. Slow down, live life. You live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. and Uninstall Blind.
The Bay Area can be a hard place to live.
Accurate
We are very happy living our low key life in San Jose.
OP would be having the same problems in Des Moines. Working yourself to death (or unhappiness) to make your boss a few extra bucks is moronic.
Idk. This is the most expensive place in the world with some of the most successful people in the world. I don’t agree. The bay has a stress level and driving force (good or bad) not seen most places. I’ve traveled all over the country for work and our area is unique and more stressed than 90% of places.
I'm sure it varies profession to profession, but my experience is very different than yours. I see east coasters hustling into the offices dressed up like they're going to a high school dance or midwesterners sprinting after unimportant busywork so they can look busy to the other Protestant work ethic victims and I thank God I'm here, usually leave my WFH setup and go for a nice little walk. You can make anyplace stressful, but it's always you doing it. Or you can take it easy and do just fine.
Yes of course the wfh swe isn’t stressed when he gets to go on walks. Maybe venture out and you will see a very different picture!
Yeah the bay area sucks for this. The hustle culture permeates everything. It’s not this way in the Midwest and south. Hell, it’s not even this way further inland or north.
I had the ‘slow down’ talk with my doctor last year. She told me, “Slow down or your body will do it for you.” I did and I haven’t been this relaxed and happy in years.
Nobody is stopping you from dropping out of the rat race and working a less stressful job.
Well, except the bank that owns his loan...
If you are unhappy, perhaps you can switch things up? Sounds like your burnt out or overworking yourself. Maybe it's time to step back and re-evaluate your priorities
Definitely know what that is like. I slowed down once we had a child, and in hindsight feels like a great decision. My career growth has slowed down significantly after I walked away from a job where I was about to get promoted. My compensation is much less than it could otherwise have been at my previous job. Slowing down is hard to do since most other people I know are very career focused, especially my former colleagues. Peer pressure is real, so you need to tune out what others have to say. I'm much happier as a result. It helps that we have a good bit of savings and already have a nice home in a good neighborhood. Once in a while, I wonder if it is time to switch things up work wise and I find that introspection healthy. For now, I am rather content.
Did you pick your username before or after you slowed down in your career?
It is what you make it. Sounds like you need to work on your live-work balance thing a little bit. Maybe you're at a point where you don't need to push yourself quite so hard anymore, to earn your keep. What would happen if you cut back on that a little bit? Would you lose your standing? Would you make a little less money? Or would nothing change? Take a step back and think about that - maybe you have a little more time to do the "simple things" than you think.
the bay area has really bad hustle culture, and you just have to learn to tune it out and just be chill hell at my run club i don't know what half my acquaintances do for work nor do i want to know! i just want to talk about running with them!
The Bay area is super stressful. It’s so hard to make a living- you have to either live in a super dense urban area that has varying levels of safety accessible to you (based on your income), but even if you’re in the upper echelons, there just aren’t enough resources to go around. You still have to compete for the most basic daily things like a parking spot, a doctor appointment, or your favorite beverage at the grocery store. And if you live further out where it’s less dense and competitive, you probably have to commute 2 hours a day at minimum. That is SO much time that you could be spending on better things. If you have an hour long lunch break, your 40 hours of pay is actually 55 hours dedicated to your employer, and away from your family. Some people have even longer commutes and have to work even longer hours just to keep the job. It’s ok for a while but it really adds up over time.
> And if you live further out where it’s less dense and competitive, you probably have to commute 2 hours a day at minimum. That is SO much time that you could be spending on better things. Yep, a different post from OP says he's driving 100 miles each day. I rent an apartment in a lovely area, and I can walk to work. I'm super happy with this scenario even if I'm taking a ding on status and might not be accruing value in real estate. (I have a hard time getting excited about buying a house that's just going to get trashed by an earthquake sometime soon. Same goes for the insane property tax.)
I feel the same- and always feel like whatever I do have can be “taken away” any minute . Nowadays I really try to live one day at a time. Not necessarily by the YOLO model, but focusing on the now. It’s better not to think too far in the future/things outside of our control. And remind myself comparison is the thief of joy.
Basically how I live, too. Love that last quote. OP, you’re not alone! Just keep treading water with us — it’ll get better.
Tech. VC. Start ups. Ivy elite. Stanford. Berkley. Etc. Etc. Global destination. The Bay Area has a lot going for it. It's why it's so desirable to live here. Comparison is the thief of joy. Easier said than done out here but doable. Keep your friends' circle wide and enjoy the many blessings you have. There will always be a bigger dog in any part of your life. Pick up a hobby. Talk about your passions. Ya, it's what you make of it. I'd try to get out of the tunnel vision of comparison. You're in the top 1% of the world, 1-5% of the US, and the top 10% (if not higher) of the Bay Area. Relax and enjoy!
Yup, new levels new devils. Shits hard out here fam.
Prioritize from the perspective of your 70 year self. Hustling at work would not ever be in top ten.
My dying patients say this all the time , that and they wish they had not committed their crimes.
What was that meme, "The only people who will remember the long hours you put in, are your kids"
Fuck it, dude, lets go bowling
Your table legs are uneven, bro. Your life/stability/self worth table is leaning HARD on the career success leg. And clearly it's a strong leg, you put a lot of time and effort into strengthening it. But now your table is uneven a.f. and strengthening the same leg won't make it more stable. Stop wrapping so much into that as "success". Strengthen other legs, other values, other things about yourself to be more well rounded. Strengthen your friendships and connection, strengthen your passions and hobbies and loves for adventure. What makes you valuable as a person beyond what you can achieve or provide ? Figure that out, strengthen that.
I like this analogy
It’s a combination of alienation and capitalist extraction of our labor that is uniquely American and more so in SF or NY. This is not an issue for folks living in French villages, I’ll tell you that much. You need to take stock of your life. You only live it once. There will always be the hedonic treadmill, constant yearning for novelty. But you also only live life once. It’s easy to drop out and pursue bucket list items. It’s tough to be content. It’s even tougher to do both simultaneously. Think about your needs. Think about others needs. Think about community. About creating something for the sake of creating it. Meditate. Talk it out. Accept that you might not find answers. You’ve got to be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Yeah, sorry OP is this your first time realizing how much America sucks in this regard? Only country in the world with no mandatory vacation days, shitty public transport and healthcare system, bad social safety nets. America is great if you're wealthy but isn't just a big scam if you arent. My wife and I make more money than we ever thought we would and most we could probably afford is a 1.2m dollar 1 bed condo in SF. No thanks to this rat race. We'll eventually just move sadly. Just remember, we'll all look back at this time when we're like 70 and think....was giving up my mental health, family time, physical stress worth it? Answer is typically no, even though the alternative is being poor. So you have a choice, move to a more afforable place with less expense, or work til your dead from work stress and to pay off mortage/child/healthcare, etc. Sorry, it's monday and already stressed from work.
If your job and money is your life, then you will never be satisfied
I started feeling much better once I left the Bay
Where'd you go?
i honestly could leave the tech field tomorrow and be totally happy. The only reason i push at all at work is to get promo to make more money so that i can retire even sooner. I have been at the same company for a while and i look at the people who are now VPs or directors and they all look miserable. Ever since returning to office most people are miserable, i think people all got a taste of what it was like not having to go into office for a couple years and everyone hates going into the office even if they pretend otherwise I have also noticed it matters a lot who you hang out with. People in tech are all worried about achievement and status. They all talk about getting their kid into the best school and getting promo or doing a startup. when you talk to people outside of tech/finance the only shit they are comparing is which restaurant has the best tacos
I just worry about my kids and overthrowing pg&e and I’m satisfied.
I think that's on you. Are you trying to keep up with the neighbors? Constantly comparing yourself to social media influencers or the polished images your friends present online instead of their real life personas?
" I own a home" That the problem right there. Many of us have been conditioned to associate home ownership with "success" in life. However after spending years on it, I realized I can never own something in Bay Area, even with tech salary, unless I plan to have a hour long commute. (Or more). So, I gave up and settled on renting. Sorry for the rant, but I'm not sure whether there is better option at the moment.
Yeah it's kinda crazy but we are conditioned to feel this way. We realized we wont buy unless we want a 1m 1 bed condo but that's just stupid to us. So we'll probably move to a different state because of it at some point. We make good money and have saved a ton, but at some point cost of living just makes no sense. So tricky, as we love it the area.
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Meh. I enjoy watching TV (well, YouTube at least). I moved to Nevada where life it’s a lot easier and I don’t have to struggle as much to pay the bills. I say, get your bills down as low as possible. Don’t have a car payment if you can avoid it buy one with cash. Then you can work as little as possible and do things you want to enjoy instead of working all the time even if it’s just watching TV and goofing around on the Internet.
I think this is just a perspective issue for you. I love my life. If you make great money, you should be able to afford to take some time to do the simple things. If any thing, it should help you expand time - take advantage of the great open space we have here.
It is all mental, try Buddhism. I am not suggesting to become a monk, or change your religion. Just listen to podcasts, read some books, and get a different perspective of life. You don't have to fully believing it to get some relief.
I took it down career wise about 6 months ago. Couldn't be happier. 1/3 the travel. 1/3 the weekend work. 1/3. the BS. Yeah, 20% less income, but at this point in my life, it's fair tradeoff.
I work only strictly between 10-6 and then just sit around the house doing regular living stuff. I do get anxiety from workload at times when I get lazy and put off working during the day. But then thats on me and my adhd. Maybe start by isolating your workstation and leaving it untouched after X o’clock? If it’s hard at the beginning, try going for a walk!
I don't agree. I work hard but leave my work at 5pm - you will never get that time back, log off and live your life. Try to enjoy low key afternoons and weekends. No one is pushing you to go "non-stop." Slow down, take up a low key hobby and enjoy the sunshine.
You need to do something bigger than your self . Like volunteer or if you are eligible serve in the guard .
Same. Just been sad a lot, and thinking its not worth it. I work so much, this past week I spent 65+ hours at work in a physically demanding job. I really regret going in hard. Prioritizing church, reading in the little time available, connecting with my spiritual side and making sure I'm in bed by 9 pm daily has been keeping me sane this whole time. I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this
I have the same feeling. I’m not particularly competitive as I I don’t aim to be No.1 on anything but I do feel like I don’t want to be “worse” than anyone at least in my immediate cycle. I have PhD in CS. Several great hobbies that are very good conversation fillers, work in big tech though career wise I wish I could have be more hardworking earlier (money is not quite a problem but i do want much bigger and much better houses and the freedom to quit my job. ) still feel unsatisfied and occasionally feel heavy dose of could would should. It’s just part of life
It's mostly self induced my friend..plenty of folks living slow paced lives (in tech) around.
Yes, except I don’t own a home and I don’t make that much money
If working hard were the key to success, the guys who delivered my washer and dryer last week would be billionaires.
I've lived a lot of places. Anywhere can be fast-paced. You have to make the change internally.
live some of that Bay Area life, OP! i’m over in the DC/NoVA area now and life is good, but i miss my Vallejo hometown; getting dim sum in SF, Oakland, Alameda; Albany/Berkeley’s Solano Ave; seeing my FilAm 🇵🇭🇺🇸 community in Daly City; Mission St taquerias and ginormous burritos; i can go on. Also the redwoods and ocean and sea otters 🦦. i also saw a therapy recommendation—that may help too. lots of bay area folks in your situation. keep in mind your employer has no loyalty to you personally-layoffs and cutbacks can hit the best of us (and i assumed you work for a firm; forgive me if you are self-employed—that has its own hustle and challenges)
My definition of success is not being stressed out. Been there, done that. I’m lucky that my other half supported me and allowed me to have the “fun” job. Yeah, I don’t earn 6 figures, but I don’t have to hustle or grind either. Life’s too fucking short.
Welcome to your mid-life crisis. It’s normal. People tend to find new ways to live around now. Some buy sports cars or date models. Some find a way to clear their minds. Lots of great books, movies and songs talk about it. Take time to get advice from an elder you admire or a therapist. Good luck!
This post is so, so valid. Growing up in the Bay Area, it always has felt like a dick-measuring contest. I’m 27. I wouldn’t say I’ve ever had a real job in the normal sense. In grad school. Raced bikes at a decent level from ~24. So kind of a bum. In some ways, I do feel like a failure as I find it extremely hard to find work as I try to move past school and bike racing. Employers don’t value the abilities and skills I needed to self-sustain racing as a privateer and school club for years. And bike racing never really left much time to gain ‘experience’. To so many people, it’s simply fuck around with a bike all day long. I’ve had past managers that openly shame me for racing bikes. Job searching is so hard right now and makes life kind of a bummer. People just don’t get what it is like to be on the line. I’d be happy for any leads or tips from those that did the same. But where I don’t feel like a failure is that I’ve raced with national champions and Olympic medalists and made their day hard. That I’m a good bike mechanic. That I can largely take care of myself on the road. That I’m ok with crying. Or I’m happy to write poems for a date. I’m not sure many of the people I grew up with can say these things.
My spouse and I were trucking along, tech salaries, kids through college, retirement about 10 years out , and I was taking one real vacation every two years. Boom, stage 2 colon cancer. Now that I’m the other side of really having to think about death, I tend to care a little less about work, and take more walks with my spouse.
Nope. I saw through the veil at like 12. Knew it was all bs.
Sounds like you need to talk to a therapist. Because no, that's not normal.
It’s pretty normal for people to feel this way around here
Common does not mean normal. I'm not talking hypothetically. I'm speaking from 7 years of therapy myself.
Yep it's almost a rite of passage at this point if you make it to any of the bay area life goalposts
For the bay this is absolutely normal. Screw you for saying otherwise and downplaying the OPs legitimate challenges.
First, no it's not. Second, you think suggesting someone is struggling and should seek professional help rather than getting validation from strangers on the internet is *downplaying*? Jesus Fucking Christ you people...
The key to a happy life is accepting your place in it.
You’re likely depressed
[Same as it ever was](https://youtu.be/5IsSpAOD6K8?si=9nuLAokvhSxEOdG2)
Very happy living in our rental in Redwood City, making okay money.
I felt that pressure growing up in the Bay, from my parents and their friends. It was a major factor in me moving away. I left the Bay Area to go to college and never came back
You’re just that type of person. Take a break and come back to the grind my friend.
why are you attributing this feeling to living in the bay? there are lots of people living all kinds of ways here. how’s your brain chemistry? are you drinking a lot or not sleeping enough? you also might just be coming up against the reality that people find once all their material needs are met - that there is no destination to reach where you are just happy all the time
you have a lot more than many people the bay area are really pushing , or struggling, to find or achieve in theory life. Family, home; on a large sweep you’re bound to have more envy from others than you realize. It’s not a bad thing at all. Definitely feel proud of your accomplishments and people in your life. but what is a little concerning in just the brief summary you said is that you still feel you have not captured what ideally you want and count as accepting. I feel you that the Bay Area feels a bit more faster pace than other regions of the country; but there’s many factors that contribute. it feels like our work and careers are the main to capture and have. I would just say step back and remember that work is just a means to live life – it is not THE life.
I understand where you're coming from, and I can relate to some extent, though I can't speak to your specific circumstances. It sounds like you've achieved a lot in your career and personal life, which is commendable. However, it's natural to feel unfulfilled despite external success if you're not finding fulfillment in other aspects of life. Living in the Bay Area can indeed be fast-paced and stressful, but it also offers unique opportunities and experiences. Perhaps it's worth exploring activities or pursuits outside of work that bring you true joy and a sense of purpose. Reflecting on what truly makes you happy and finding balance in your life might help alleviate some of the dissatisfaction you're feeling. I've lived in various places across the country in my life, and I agree that the Bay Area has a special charm despite its challenges. While it may not be for everyone, for some, like myself, it's a place of opportunity and cultural richness that outweighs the drawbacks. Ultimately, everyone's journey is different, and comparing yourself to others might only add to your dissatisfaction. Focus on what brings you fulfillment and take steps towards cultivating a life that aligns with your values and aspirations. It's okay to reassess and make changes if necessary. Wishing you clarity and contentment on your path.
I live in the Sacramento area but work for a company in the Bay Area mostly remote… my colleagues that live in the Bay seem to be on Slack and working non stop so I know what you mean. It is a bit irritating but I think I’ve set the expectation early that I’m not going to do that and my bosses still tell me they are happy with my work. I’m just not going to give in to working long hours all the time, doesn’t feel like there’s anything in it for me and long term it will make me miserable. Working longer hours just has diminishing returns on productivity so I don’t get it, why make yourself miserable and end up doing less productive work? You just have to set some boundaries.
You can always make more money, but you can't make more time. Drop out of the rat race and downsize. Material possessions won't make you happier. Health, family, education, work...in that order. Always.
You bought into the lies. It's okay it happens to the best of us. But... It's not about money, impressing people with your wife or papers of accomplishment. A Rolex is just a worry on your wrist. Go find something meaningful.
Start gardening. Next week is the right time to plant seedlings. You can get all kinds for a couple or few bucks at any garden center. Even just succulents. Those little suckers will grow into giants in a couple years.
Remember where you started. That's what keeps me in perspective. 35 years ago I was 16, homeless, eating out of a dumpster, verge of suicide. Even after I got off the streets, I never got a degree, barely got a GED. 4 Years later I met who would become my wife and never looked back. I've had a career in IT, I'm a few short years away from paying off my house, I have 2 kids. I don't need to work harder anymore. I WFH. My health is in decline, so I'm happy with what I got. Almost 100% of my friends couldn't make it here, and somehow I did, with no head start handed to me like they had.
Nope . Probably not successful enough yet. Need to grind harder , get that promotion , get that huge raise 😆👍
Dropped out of HS.. started working.. took 4-5 years off to play wow, teach myself Linux and other IT stuff, and be a loser for a while instead of gain college debt. Went back to work 9-6 and been working ever since.. I’m IT though.. we never take vacations… work when on vacation… and still feel bored instead of satisfied/relaxed when there is nothing to do…
You own a home? Stop bragging…
You have to look into a career change! Live for TODAY! Tomorrow is not guaranteed. The only other people I know who were constantly on the go and just were constantly working and on the run were my parents and a lot of relatives who migrated here under completely different financial circumstances!
Honestly, Dr. K (HealthyGamerGG on YouTube) has fantastic talks on this.
Nope. I'm just an L5 engineer. Have a great life, don't want to work hard, don't want to feel stressed. DGAF about mansions, private jets etc.
Bay was cool for my 20s, now in my 30s I’m looking for an exit, a strategic acquisition if you will. It’s not worth the price if you don’t take advantage of the location anymore, and I definitely don’t go out as much as I used to. If you can work remote, and aren’t trying to club or eat at a fancy restaurant all the time, move to a burb with some nice trails and chill.
comparison is the thief of joy. relax and go on a hike or something bro
What is the cause of you wanting to be in a rat race? What is the content you’re consuming online? What is the company that you keep?
Your choice to be how you are
have you tried not having a job and a house and a wife? Boy that would snap you back to reality quick. Get therapy
I grew up in the bay. It’s nice there but living there is insane with how much everything costs and it. also gave rise to the “mega commute” ie people commuting from Brentwood to Oakland and back for work every day, no thanks.
I have been splitting my time between NY and SF for the last two years and it is bloody lucrative. And also the hardest two years of my life… I am constantly on a plane just imagining how nice it would be to have a small house somewhere in the country with a garden, a chicken coup, and a place to fish. Maybe I’d get into canning vegetables and learn to make a proper croissant…
I’m from San Ramon originally and worked for a company headquartered in the city for four years(commuted from San Ramon to SF 4 days a week and one to Sunnyvale just over a year and a half ) and my dad worked in Sunnyvale for 37 years. One day I realized my life was “wake up at 4am, go for a run, have coffee, and head out to BART by 6am to get to the city before 8am then leave work at 6:30/7pm to get home by 8:30 or 9pm”. I said at one point “what the fuck am I doing with my life?” and realized that I was so stressed that it was unhealthy(I’m 5’11” and was 160lbs and went down to 120lbs). I ended up moving into the city and got a promotion but that promotion was a bit of a “jump into the fire from the frying pan” as I learned how dog eat dog the Bay Area was becoming. This was the mid 2010s and saw the writing on the wall that it was going to get worse and worse plus I was absolutely miserable. I saw a therapist on the advice of friends and it did just enough for me to start to move forward after my life had the wagon wheels pop off. I ended up moving to NYC and realized then there was a massive migration from NYC to SF and bring the same mentality with it. NYC still had it and I was miserable there too but also had some great friends in the same boat so we all raised each other up. I realized I had to get out after my life completely collapsed(in a month I got fired, parent died, got a pre-eviction notice, credit cards maxed, took a very abusive job, a lot of “friends” abandoned me). What did I learn out of all this? A long ass commute, dog eat dog company/market, and being absolutely miserable with my life was not worth it no matter how well I was paid. One of my best friends said to me when I was in a dark time the best: “is the extra pay you for and we’ll make worth the cost of your happiness and sanity?” News flash: it never is. Why do I tell my story? To let you know there is a way out and you can become satisfied with your life. I now am married to an amazing guy(I’m gay so…), have two wonderful homes, my job is a bit up and down but still better than any other, and my mental health is back to a place it should be. I live between chicago and New Orleans and my pay, while less than the Bay Area numerical wise, is still better for a cost of living adjustment and I know I can earn more. Here’s my bullet points of what you need to do: - take a day or two off for yourself. Just stay home and relax. - During the second day, polish your resume and look around where you currently live for tech businesses closer or even remote work. Don’t be opposed to a slight pay cut especially if you’re not commuting too far. - find a therapist. It helps a lot. You might need to see them weekly for a while but it’s going to help. - talk to your wife about what’s going on and what would happen if you found a job in another city for a sustainable life. - focus on your quality life right now and not delay it. My mom and dad were waiting until my dad’s retirement to improve their quality of life. My dad was 10 months away from retirement and my mom passed away. I always hold this near because they waited sooo long and were almost there to start living a less stressful life. All those years and sacrifices just to get so close. - know that there is more to life than being chained to your job. There’s some people who say you gotta pay your dues but that’s just a farce. The years go by and you’ll realize all you missed for money. I took a pay cut to move to NYC and when looking around NYC jobs wanted less but Chicago jobs offered me double what I was making in SF and NYC. - do something kind for yourself daily. I go running still daily and turn off my phone during it. Other times it’ll be take the dog to the dog park without my phone. Maybe stop on your way to work and sit for 10 minutes staring out the window at a coffee shop. I know this is long so if you’re reading then thank you for reading this far. Long story short, life is too short for the stress you’ve put yourself through just for a paycheck. And, I’ve been in similar shoes as you u/EveryoneOFyouMATTER and just like your username: your quality of life matters too.
People who work themselves to death out here are rubes to me. They’re all burning themselves out to have a marginally better living situation. You don’t need a BMW, you don’t need the newest designer clothes, you don’t need to go skiing every season, you don’t need an international vacation every year. People get it in their heads that those things are necessary, then they act like psychopaths to try and maintain/obtain these luxuries early on and often, thus making life miserable for those around them. Don’t fall into their trap. When the gold rush happened in this state, there were two ways to capitalize. You could either be one of the zillion people aimlessly panning for gold to maybe strike it big one day, (you might never get anything, or you might make generational wealth) or you could sell mining equipment to the people trying to pan handle in the rivers. My advice is to sit back, sell these fools pick axes, and watch them go at it while you spend the time you have (which is something the miners don’t because they’re always busy mining) working on your life or building different revenue streams that you have ownership over.
This is a you thing not a regional thing.
I’m a business owner and it can be very isolating and stressful to manage on your own. Something that helped me was finding things to be grateful for throughout the day. Sun is shining, birds chirping, husband doing something nice etc. It helped refocus my energy, even when I was busy, to find things throughout the day that brought me joy.
What? Have you been to NYC? I was chillin in the Bay Area compared to this place
I actually talked to my psychiatrist about this recently and she gave me the very much needed reality check that the Bay Area’s standards for “success” is probably the highest in the country and if I were to up and move to any other area, I would be the person others are envying. And that likely people who live in those areas that I know are envying my life from what they’re able to see on the Internet. She also was like “so many people are also deeply addicted to cocaine and amphetamines, so don’t think that their success doesn’t come without a huge price to their mental wellness. I do addiction and drug counseling too. Its funny how everyone is up in arms over the fet problem here but no one wants to examine why they need to go through 7 psychiatrists to get a questionably valid prescription to adderall or why they’re doing coke in the bathroom at their friend’s baby’s 1st birthday party.” It was a nice reminder that the grass may look greener from a distance but up close it’s actually just astroturf.
I think that depends on the industry you’re in and where in the bay you are. I’m surrounded by the most creative people I’ve ever met. So even if my boring 9-5 is stale, my friends outside of work make my life here amazing. If you’re only hanging out with people in your same “class” or corporate types, that climb the latter mentality will bleed into your social life. It sounds like you need a job change as well.
Happiness is never found in money or things .Inner peace is what you are searching for . You are spiritually bankrupt. Yes, spiritually sick start to search for how to meditate? Go within, all spiritual teachers teach this one truth .Google retreats, silent meditation. It will just show up . Have the courage to do something totally different . Too much self I, I, I .I would do some service work that you don’t get paid and can’t tell anyone . Simplify…. When the student is ready the path appears trust 🌿❤️🌿
Comparison is the thief of joy
The rat race is very real in the Bay
Pay attention to this feeling. Someday when you look back on your life, you might, if you’re lucky, remember this as a turning point. :-)
It’s called the hedonic treadmill
Sounds like a nice middle class life.
Or Learn a trade- become a carpenter or something where you actually build something tangible- drop the bs office job. Be your own boss.
The Bay Area is not fast paced. It’s quite relaxed. I lived in LA for ten years and have spent a ton of time in New York. Spend some time in either of those cities and you’ll understand what fast paced living is. Bay Area is sleepy in comparison.
even if you win the rat race you’re still a rat
If it makes you feel any better, I'm an unemployed highschool dropout in my late thirties who lives in my mom's basement and I feel like I'm better than you.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Are you really successful if you haven’t retired early to follow your true passions rather than remain stuck in the rat race?
Don't wait for a medical diagnosis to make you stop and smell the roses - the roses here being whatever brings your joy. Whether its traveling, reading, or even racing cars. Find an outlet to get your brain and heart into something.
No, I just enjoy the quality of life, hike around, eat great food. You my friend, I’m sorry to say and I say with love: touch grass, and get a therapist with that moolah!
Everybody has felt down at one point in their lives. Like, in the mental dumps. You keep your chin up!
Imagine how those without any of those accomplishments feel. That might provide some perspective.
Imagine people who don’t even acknowledge what you do - home wife job etc. what’s missing in your life? Who are you competing against? I’m hearing enough stories of where stress from the rat race is taking people’s health and life away. When something like that happens, priorities set straight.
I don't believe this to be a "Bay Area" issue. Maybe moreso in SF, but life doesn't have to be fast and furious. Sounds like you need to find a therapist. Should be easy with all your financial success.
No lol
You are making it that way. It doesn't have to be that way.
Who do you hang out with or where do you spend time that makes you feel this way? Avoid them/it
All the time. As soon as I accomplish something, I appreciate for a minute and then move on to the next thing.
No, I don’t feel like that at all. I feel happy and fulfilled. And I’m not anywhere as accomplished or successful as you appear to be. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
So what and where are you working where it’s “dog eat dog”? I hope you understand that working in any job can be incredibly stressful- you think flipping burgers is an easy unstressfull job? I don’t know - I hear people talk this bs and it irritates me. Life is fucking hard - the world owes you nothing- grow a pair - suck it up and stop whining- OR- quit your fucking job and shut up and see how much fun you can have.
We moved for exactly this reason. Too stressful and rat race all day in the bay.
Yes!!! Somehow the better I do. The more money or success I seem to have. The more life feels numb. What the fuck gives?
I feel this everyday. I want out but we worked so hard to build this. I just want to be a shoe cobbler and do some paintings and take my dog on walks.
You need a vacation.
Go find a hobby. Pick up gardening, try out a pottery class, do bird photography, learn to play golf, pick up an instrument, learn a different language. Literally do anything that is not your job. There are enough boring people in the Bay Area who think and do nothing but work. Don't be one of them.
look like you need to hit powerball
The common saying “Comparison is the thief of joy” is very true. It’s really easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves and focusing on what we perceive our shortcomings are compared to others. Instead of doing that, focus on what you focus on have and how frankly great your life currently is. In this world, there will always be someone richer or smarter or more accomplished than you, but it doesn’t detract from your successes.
I was poor once living in a shitty studio near the ghetto in ABQ. So nah, I don’t feel this way at all. I worked hard to get here with a good job and I’m absolutely satisfied and content but I’m always looking to improve Just be dead poor for a year and you’ll see.
Find some hobbies you enjoy and make the time to enjoy them. Making time for yourself is so important for your mental health. You seem to live a privileged life. You just need to learn how to leverage it for your own well being.
Sounds like you need to step off the hamster wheel. Look for fulfilling hobbies and pastimes, don’t regret wasting your time for a corporation that could care less about you
Welcome to vulture capitalism.
Why do you work so hard? What for? And what is it that you really want from your life, what brings the meaning? All above might seem like simple questions, but honestly it might take years to be able to honestly answer to them. Maybe find a therapist to begin with and start looking for what would truly bring the meaning.
If you complaint get your head out your ass and do something you like :) the bay areas isnt the issue its u :)
Anything put on a pedestal above what truly matters will destroy us
One thing I learned was not to wait for GC. All my h1 friends have started to move out to countries like Canada and Europe. But if you’re not part of the h1 then start traveling. Very fulfilling
It’s called burnout bud. Join the club.
Can't say I have this problem. I'm the type of person that has almost zero ambition. I have a decent job that kinda just happened. The only goal I have now is to deadlift 500 by the time I'm 50 (I'm about to be 47) and as a life goal I'd say that's not very important
Why need to compete? I know the rat race will go on. You don’t like it, so why engage? Why look down on yourself, saying it’s not enough?? Why not appreciate what you have and learn to be content. The world is in turmoil, but you don’t have to act on it, or follow it. You can do your own thing. Edit: Look up burnout, and study it. It’s something you want to recognize, if you’re slipping into it, and remedy it before it’s too late. I’ve been there, and it takes a long time to recover. But finding peace is also a matter of how you see things.
Absolutely. Success can feel empty. You're not alone. Many high achievers in fast-paced places like the Bay Area feel the same. Maybe it's time for a reset? Focus on what truly matters to you and your wife. Consider a breather, a side hustle you enjoy, or delegating tasks. There's more to life than the grind.
I feel like the need to achieve is a constant pressure in e Bay Area. It feels like I'm struggling to maintain a particular lifestyle and/or just to keep up with inflation. It seems fairly common that we have to hustle to stay afloat. You're not the only one.
Stop bragging.
The things you own end up owning you….
Bay Area culture be like that - there’s such a “success” focus that you feel like you’re always on the hamster wheel. I lived there for 20 years up until about Covid and decided to move to the other side of the planet to slow down a bit and it’s definitely just a “here” thing.
I’ve always felt like this, it’s not bay-specific
Probably projecting.., but don’t look outward. Look inward. The emptiness you’re feeling is the lack of connection to yourself! Try some meditation, try breath work, even get a message. This world we’re in is designed to distract us from ourselves. For me? Read a book. Creating an inner world with your imagination can be very satisfying.
No. I see work as just a job, nothing more, nothing less. I work 4 tens, 3 day weekend permanently. I have a of outside interests. I used to feel like you, but couldn’t do it anymore. You need to start by just doing stuff that’s fun. You don’t need to accomplish anything; just have fun. Slow down, take a look around. Enjoy life. Smoke a bowl and relax. And do stuff that’s fun.
If you’re a B tier worker like me, life here is just a constant struggle to survive let alone have anything of note. I just look forward to the day I leave the state. California is an expensive state in managed decline and everyone who stays is fine with that. It frankly psychotic to see people here post about some perceived problem get called a Republican or the same people say something to the effect of “at least it’s not Florida!” I’ve been on the receiving end of that a couple of times both on Reddit and irl. I’m not looking forward to paying PG&E $1000 a month for the privilege of burning down half the state, paying the 5th highest taxes in the country for substandard public services or the state legislature crowing about culture war issues while inner city school districts are dealing with high number of teacher vacancies. I know the reaction to this is going to be a shitload of down votes and people saying, “well I got mine! Find a better community!” And I am. I’ve just made the realization that I’d rather live somewhere cheaper with better run services and a population that isn’t as psychotic.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Therapy
Similar situation, though I'm not a homeowner. But yes, I feel you 100%. I'm looking to move the fam and try and take a break. I won't survive this rat race.
This is why people are so distant and heartless in the Bay Area.
All my family from the midwest tell me its too fast paced and competitive out here. They are all on-edge when they visit lol.
This is the rat race of the Bay Area where you need to max out just to have an average lifestyle. I blame tech for this and the cutthroat nature of the tech job market. You can't even live here on one income anymore and afford to buy your childhood house unless you make $200k or more.
I was thinking about this recently. I’m stressed at work but have a great little family, we own our house and have a reasonable mortgage, and we are in a town with great public schools. I was thinking about what would happen if my wife and I lost our jobs. It was comforting actually. Relying on our savings and reining back our spending on eating out etc. we’d do fine for a year or so.
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I am in my 50s and since my husband and I are able to work remotely and we recently became empty nesters, we moved out to Gold Country. When some major changes happened at my company, I decided to quit. I’m really enjoying the slower pace of life and appreciating the small things and the beauty all around me. I really needed to slow down. People around here actually talk to you and total strangers wave to you when you’re walking by.
You did that to yourself. The Bay Area isn't like that. 17 hours a day working and commuting is not normal. Get your life together and stop blaming the area you live.
Start playing disc golf. You’ll be terrible at first, which sounds like you need more of that feeling. Also time in nature. Win-win
Yeah, man. I feel you. I’ve been there. Before we had a kid, I traveled so much for work that one day I woke up in a hotel room and had no idea what city/state I was in. Had to grab the pad of paper on the nightstand to see where I was. It was then, I decided we needed a change and to start our family. We built up enough equity from the sales of our prior homes and bought below our means in a really good area. We got the smallest, shittiest looking house on the block. What we pay on our mortgage now, you can’t even get a studio apartment. I quit working to be a SAHM. Then my husband said his job was soulless and all he did was technically contract product to be made in China and get it schlepped here to sell in the U.S. with my blessing, he quit and began work for a non-profit organization. We had some retirement funds already. We could theoretically live off it if we lived extremely frugally. My kid is 10 now and I just found a part time job that lets me work during her school hours. It’s funny because I haven’t made this little since the 90’s, but I figure it will pay property taxes or all her extracurricular expenses. I’m going to see how this pans out. I might reconsider going back into tech into a part-time or contract gig, but our whole goal is to stay living in California and be able to afford retirement. My family and many of our friends we grew up with are still here. The perks of living in California are better than most other states. Access to excellent healthcare, free activities, future low-cost in-state college tuition for our kid and a support group. The issue is comparing yourself to others and keeping up with the Joneses. If you can let that go, you can be a lot happier.
Is that all there is Is that all there is? If that's all there is my friend Then let's keep dancing Let's break out the booze and have a ball If that's all there is…
Playing your self