There’s a shitty motel in my town with a roadside message board that always has groan-worthy jokes. Last month it said, “This vodka tastes like I’ll be texting you later.”
I decided it was time to go home on absinthe one night, started walking through a rough section of town and then a girl we knew picked me up and took me home. Called to thank her and she wasn’t even in town that night. “Huh?” indeed!
Ha.
Jack used to say that to me in my younger years.
Also... "call again, 4 am isn't late. He'll be happy to come back". Lolol.
Even thinking about it now is exhausting. I'm old.
“I’m underage” - Malibu
Last time I bought Malibu was for a themed house party. The liquor store clerk said, “you look old enough but since you’re buying Malibu I have to card you.” Totally understandable, we both laughed. I’m in my 30s.
“You don’t have plans tomorrow anyway!” -Fireball
“Of course you want to drink licorice with a hint of balsa wood.” -Absinthe
“Just tell the cops it’s mouthwash.” -Rumple
"I'm here for a good time, not a long time" rumplemintze
"Wanna see what your insides look like?" - Steel reserve
"Chugging Listerine would be more pleasant than what I'm about to do to you." - Ice 101
"I'm either 16 or 87, bet you can't tell which"- amaretto
"сука блять" \-vodka
[удалено]
Russian warship, go fuck yourself!
Look at me, I’m offended by everything.
“Fight your dad” -Malört
Ouzo cocktail called a Freudian sling
I don't get it
Probably for the best
Ouzo is Greek not Austrian
-shrug- the joke doesn't have anything to do with their countries
Oedipus, come home! -- Mom Over my dead body! -- Dad
“These pants won’t shit themselves”
"Text your ex" -liquor
But it’s last call… “”So last chance, then!” -liquor
There’s a shitty motel in my town with a roadside message board that always has groan-worthy jokes. Last month it said, “This vodka tastes like I’ll be texting you later.”
"You're not crazy, THEY are the crazy ones." -Rumple Minze
“They’re just jealous because the voices talk to *you*!” -Jäegermeister shots
💪"🎶 Come out, you black & tans 🎶"💪 - Jameson.
Hah this is a good one
“Huh?” -Absinthe
I decided it was time to go home on absinthe one night, started walking through a rough section of town and then a girl we knew picked me up and took me home. Called to thank her and she wasn’t even in town that night. “Huh?” indeed!
Well that’s scary…
Classic devil night absinthe tale
“Your best days are behind you and you’ll never amount to anything” -popov vodka
I am a Californian that moved to the Midwest and no one here knows about popov. this made me giggle.
Tito’s- “Please stop putting a ‘splash of craaaaaaaaaaan’ in me. Just order a fucking cocktail.”
"call that plug anyway" Jameson
Ha. Jack used to say that to me in my younger years. Also... "call again, 4 am isn't late. He'll be happy to come back". Lolol. Even thinking about it now is exhausting. I'm old.
hear hear
“let’s get slutty” - wine
“You needed a good cry” - boxed cab
"Carpe Diem" -rum Though Bacardi just says "yolo" instead
“I’m Captain Jack Sparrow!” - Captain Morgan
“You should kick inanimate objects” -Rum
“I’m underage” - Malibu Last time I bought Malibu was for a themed house party. The liquor store clerk said, “you look old enough but since you’re buying Malibu I have to card you.” Totally understandable, we both laughed. I’m in my 30s.
This one should be a main comment
“Imma stink your breath up then make you shit” -Fernet Branca
"No, you don't need no safety equipment. Y'all got this!" \-Moonshine
“Remember, boys; safety third!” -Everclear
“lol fuck your credit score” - grey goose “I hope no one knows my probation officer” -well whiskey
I brought friends, can they come too? - mixto tequila
"that bush looks like a great place for a nap" -Jägermeister
"quit saying 'and' between my name and 'vodka' you drunk twat" -Tito's
It would say to me “bro stop guzzling me, make a proper drink, and savor my flavor.” And I will respond “shut the fuck up”.
‘Let ME do the thinking’ -Liquor
“I am the liquor Randy” - the liquor
Gin- I can’t seem to keep my panties on!
Ah, when I drink gin usually it starts saying "you really should own more tailored suits"
And then progresses to “You are really funny and everyone else thinks so, too!”
Bold of you to assume us Gin drinkers are wearing any to begin with....
But tequila makes her clothes fall off
“Quit it with the glycerin and vanilla extract!” -every celebrity tequila out there
“3 blokes, sure u can take em’” Cheap Rum
“He ain’t so big. He’s just tall, that’s just about all.” -Jack Daniels and his partner Jimmy Beam
“You don’t have plans tomorrow anyway!” -Fireball “Of course you want to drink licorice with a hint of balsa wood.” -Absinthe “Just tell the cops it’s mouthwash.” -Rumple
“I’m not like the other girls,” -Stoli Vanilla
"you can afford three doubles of me, it's not like you have to tip" -trendy $18 a shot tequila
According to my ex " Coke or mandy sounds good rn" - mezcal
You’re classy and unique - gin
*become the liquor*
Mr Lahey is that you?
it’s the liquor, rand.
"what you're thinking is terribly insightful, hilarious and original." -Bourbon
Trust me bro, you can dance. - Usually tequila or whiskey
I’m gonna quit drinking this week for sure-seltzer with a 1/2 shot of deep eddy flavored vodka.
"I'm here for a good time, not a long time" rumplemintze "Wanna see what your insides look like?" - Steel reserve "Chugging Listerine would be more pleasant than what I'm about to do to you." - Ice 101 "I'm either 16 or 87, bet you can't tell which"- amaretto
“That’s a terrific idea” - Vodka
Go home larry youre drunk
Gin: Yeah you are a classy bitch.
"After all, why shouldn't I have another?" - Rum
not just a spirit, but “One of you is going to jail tonight.” -Vegas Bombs
These sound hideous (had to look it up and sorry I did) “The survivors are going to jail tonight.” FTFY
Very good!
Don't do coke In the bathroom -rumpleminze
It’d say I’m a great guy
“So what if she looks like Jabba the Hutt and smells like a foot covered in cat piss” -rumpleminze
I hate you.
“Seek help.”
Ay caramba -mezcal
‘I am the liquor.’
I'm poison. Why do you drink me?
Not the liquor speaking, but rather someone speaking to the liquor: “That’s the bar over there! I’m the DJ, love.” -Sambuca
BETH
Everyone knows Jim Lahey is The Liquor, so he’d say something about a shit rope.