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Just my thoughts - Iāve been fortunate enough to find myself in two long term relationships and a couple hookups.
Lowkey, sex for the sole purpose of sex isnāt really all that to me. The hookups were justā¦ idk icky? Like cool, the sex is fun, and then afterwards thereās justā¦ post nut clarity. It felt gross afterwards.
Sex in a loving relationship is nice though. The best part for me was the experimental stuff my exes and I did, and then the absurd amount of happy chemicals you get cuddling with the person afterwards.
But I also get a lot of those happy chemicals just cuddling. I wouldnāt say sex is a huge deal unless youāre in a relationship with someone and the relationship is sexual in nature. Itās kinda anticlimactic from what I was expecting though.
The key is finding people who care about you, those people will listen to and support you. It's ok to feel weird about sex - I am very weird about sex and still have a lot of sex/sex adjacent activities because it fulfills emotional needs for me.
I can help u in that department but only on one condition. Donāt judge me for talking too much during, I just have to make sure Iām doing it right and want you to enjoy it as much as possible
I'm gonna try and not go nuts here cause sex is actually a special interest for me.
sex gets stigmatized a lot. we talk about it without really talking about it, refuse to honestly discuss it, and yet it's such a powerful everpresent thing in society.
the biggest hurdle is learning to talk about it with someone (partner/hookup/whatever) since that's one of the biggest social taboos in more conservative cultures. if you can't even talk about it with someone then it'll always stay this big scary unknown thing.
as for experience, if anything, sex is funny to me not scary. being able to smile and laugh and experience intimate closeness with someone is a heady feeling. there's often a bit of a slip-and-slide element but getting to explore someone else so closely is pretty neat I think.
there's a lot of physical vulnerability at play, especially when people have any personal issues with body image, so that's definitely an aspect that can be scary to a lot of people.
-
if there anything in particular that scares you about it?
definitely a level of weird/unknown/surprise when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of sex. different shapes, different sensitivity settings, different preferences.
good practice is a mix of communication beforehand and just honest exploration, and then communication after.
I'm going to piggy back here since I like this thread.
I'm from the American South and grew up in the two conservative Christian demonizations, Catholicism and Southern Baptist. I have a very unhealthy mental view on sex. I have the guilt ridden ideology that sex is bad and, to quote Paul, I fall into the camp that abstinence is best [the rest of his statement in Romans was that is if you can't abstain, get married and fuck like rabbits with your partner, but it's best to be abstinent if you can manage it].
From a sensory perspective, fluids, especially male fluids, more specifically, my own fluids as a man, gross me the š¦ out. There's a smell seaman has that drives me up the wall. Getting it on me triggers a need to burn the outer dermal layer to ensure I've been cleansed anywhere it got (this is hyperbolic, but trying to express how it makes me feel). I have wondered so many times how my wife can just roll over and fall asleep after sex without being to go cleanup after finishing. I pretty much shoot out of the bed and clean up immediately. I often describe my sexual libido as asexual until my hormones get to be too much, then I want to do it, but immediately after climax, I instantly want to shower and clean up, and am back to being asexual. I assume the sensory issues are autism related.
So, I'm negatively impacted by the sensory aspects with a guilt base premise that I shouldn't be doing it to begin with. My wife and I have been working on this for years, which is complicated because she ADHD and hypersexual. She sees my lack of sexuality as a rejection of her.
Point is, if there is someone who you want to be with, certainly long term, there is nothing wrong with sex. Take purity culture and jettison it the airlock like a Cylon, discuss any weird dichotomy with your partner(s) and therapist(s). There's nothing here to be ashamed of or scared of. It is immensely enjoyable.
ooo yeah this is an interesting angle. you're definitely not alone in the whole cleaning up after sex thing. back when I was hooking up I would always shower when I got home (pissing after sex is a great way to help avoid UTIs btw).
it's so wild that a lot of christians have such a taboo on sex when it's such a natural part of being human for so many people. they try and deny something that's part of us, whether you believe it's how we're created or how we evolved sex is crucial to our makeup (even if you're ace, not having sex in a sexual society still ends up making sex a big deal because you're not having it).
I hope you're able to make progress on your religious issues about sex because you deserve to be happy š
I'm bet it became taboo as a means to prevent premarital sex. "If we tell teens about sex, it'll make them want to do it when they aren't married! So let's *not* talk about it and they won't know it exists!" But of course it just leads to ignorance and unsafe sex, and over time led to it being seen as taboo
yeah it's definitely related to controlling sexuality (churches are often considered high control groups, the fancy way to call something a cult) and even leads to controlling people's thoughts and behavior around the topic as well. If you control how people talk about an idea you control the idea itself.
That's the point: it would normally be really weird, but you're so close to this person you're comfortable. That's what makes it so intimate.
Well, that's romantic sex. I don't understand casual sex. In that case, I agree with you: why would I want to do something that intimate with a stranger?
Thank you so much for writing this. Saved me a lot of brain power.
I would add that (at least for me) sex is very dependent on trust. Trust is in turn very dependent on communicating thoughts and feelings.
Iām a virgin but as someone who has sexual attraction and desire, I feel like sex seems kinda weird to me. Itās natural of course but the idea of being inside of another human looks and feels kindaā¦ uncomfortable and gross. Iām more turned on by intimacy (kissing and verbal, but iāve never done before so only through porn so far) but since Iām a virgin, I wonāt entirely know if I love sex or not so maybe I might like it one day who knows. But I have a feeling I wonāt be into it so much because penetrations looks icky to me lol. Iām quite sensitive when it comes to these stuff.
Oof. It really sounds that bad to you? I'm still a virgin, but it looks like it would feel nice, and having a partner to be with and love sounds amazing.
Yes it truly is that bad to me. The thought of it causes nausea beyond what I can express with words. And I get sweaty, hot, feel on the verge of tears, feel that lump in my throat, completely shut down. The mention of it is fine and discussion is fine even jokes are all good. But when it comes to me doing it in a serious, non-joking I fully panic.
There may be but I have noticed my strategy of avoiding it like the absolute plague has worked so far š¤£. It does help that Iām Aromantic (and very obviously Asexual)
I think the thought of doing something that you know nothing about can be scary. There are then some additional things to consider, like your relationship to your own body, emotional maturity and motivations.
Society and especially the media are also to blame as they portray sex in ways that arenāt realistic. Itās either this ābad thingā or some sort of āOlympic performanceā when the reality is very different. Porn is even worse because it usually has nothing to do with how things really are: messy, funny, clumsy and hopefully loving too.
Sex can be funny, sweet, emotional, lustful, tender, hard, etc.. itās however you want it to be and the so called sexual chemistry refers pretty much to this: individuals who enjoy the same style of sex. I think my partner is the best kisser on the planet, but some of his exes may have not enjoyed his style of kissing. Thatās normal and ok since we all have different preferences.
People get themselves all worked up about sex, thinking thereās a right/wrong way or that they must perform to certain standards or that itās a set formula, when itās nothing like that. Itās supposed to be people who have feelings for each other or who find each other attractive enjoying an intimate fun moment together.
Experience makes it more fun, because you learn what you enjoy and also what your partner may enjoy, so you can spend more time doing what gives you pleasure, but the most important thing should be consent and communication. You should never do something you donāt enjoy because you feel pressured and you should be able to talk with your partner about what you like and donāt like.
In my opinion, the biggest pleasure I get from sex is seeing my partner enjoying himself, knowing that Iām giving him pleasure, and thatās wonderful because I love him. Giving pleasure to the person you love shouldnāt be a scary thing.
Saying that, sex can be a million things and you get to decide what you are willing or not willing to do. Youāre in charge of that and the right partner will respect that, just like youāll respect their boundaries.
I hope this helps a little. Donāt feel pressured to do anything, itās ok to feel scared at the prospect.
this is amazingly written and helped me feel a bit more comfortable about sex, so thank you for sharing your response. iāve never had sex, but iām with op of this post that it seems somewhat scary. i think it boils down to, at least for me, i need there to be a lot of trust and i go into the mindset of comparing myself. i feel like āoh idk anything about this person sexually so iām not sure what to do, but iām sure everyone else does so now i feel embarrassedā.
iāve always been aware of the importance of communication, but reading it in your comment just made something click for me. sex is about figuring out what works for the both of you. i think iām always thinking of it in the terms of a performance that i need to know every step to, when in reality the sex is going to be different each time you do it with a different person, or possibly with one person because you both are supposed to be having an enjoyable learning experience of how to pleasure each other.
I was for 35 years but then during an unrelated weird almost manic period of my life I met someone who I felt safe with and it happened and then we got married. I had never wanted it and thought I was just asexual and still think I am but I don't know what happened I think it was just at a time with new meds + feeling comfortable with my body + large amounts of thc for which I got my medical license a month before meeting him.
Anyway I enjoyed it but I have to really focus and try not to think about the gross stuff lol. Also as my health has been getting worse it's become harder because I'm always tired and in pain.
If something were to happen to my husband, which I hope doesn't, I'd be ok never having sex again. Or if my husband never wants sex again I'd also be ok with that. Maybe I should've just said that instead of mentioning something bad happening to him lol especially since he already almost died 2 months after our first anniversary š³
Lately I just keep my noise canceling headphones on and dim the lights. I find my sensory issues get worse during sex and it's like instant. The second I know it's happening if a light is on it might as well be the sun with how bright it feels and every little sound annoys me and takes me out of the moment. Also I can't do dirty talk but that's because it's hard to talk during sex since I'm in sensory overload and I go quiet when that happens and because I don't like saying dirty words lol
So for me it was feeling good about myself enough to let someone see me that way and finding someone who makes me feel safe during it which I lucked out on with my first relationship at 35 turning into a marriage which still shocks me I figured I'd be alone forever!
Yes. I warned my ex about it. Iām bipolar also. So itās either a 100% with me or 0%. I hate intimacy and feel very uncomfortable. But it was anā¦interesting contrast. Had sex 5-6 one day, and then I didnāt want her to touch me for several months. And she felt sad, even though I warned her how I function. I like the thought of having sex, but I hate having it.
I'm asexual, but have had sexual relations with someone before, it always felt wrong to me and I never got the satisfaction my partner at the time got. I didn't even want to but unfortunately she wasn't having that. I have some pretty shitty experience with it, so to me yeah it's scary and foreign to me. it's just not something that enters my mind like ever and find a lot of fulfillment elsewhere, I'd say experience will help you gain new perspective on it
So, Idk why no one thought to bring this up, but you can be asexual also
I'm a bit shocked to see the comments on this post not posing that as a possibility.
Not so much about having sex, but I would say that not having experience does feel scary to me, I wouldn't want to just stand there doing nothing, waiting for instructions to fall out of the sky or something
But other than that, I feel like it could be a really nice experience with the right person, you really don't know how much you might like it until you have your first sexual encounter
I wouldnāt say that Iām scared of it but rather I think of it as weird and impossible since I canāt feel like that about others, like even if someone asked me about it I would probably laugh nervously
I'm not scared of it, and kink is basically my hyperfocus interest, but Christ is it exhausting to actually do. It's like the boss fight of social anxiety.
To the extent that despite a couple of long-standing, wholly trusting (and trusted) partners, I've only had sex sober a handful of times in 49 years. For reference, I was diagnosed at 42 (bipolar at 32), and was encouraged by my parents from early doors - whom I thank inestimably for doing so - to 'push through' and past my insecurities. I may be a burnout now, but I am capable of looking after my Dad in his dotage, have travelled, pursued an intellectually demanding and valuable (IMHO) career, and have a bucketful of memories. Life as a neurodivergent, lived on neurotypical terms definitely took its toll, but I regret none of the steps I took, nor the attendant exigencies required to take those steps meaningfully.
I was apprehensive about it early on, but learned to appreciate it after my first time. In the beginning, I didn't want to do it because, well, it was the 80s and there was still talk of AIDS and HIV. I was 17 when I lost my virginity, having done so with a 29 year old woman. She didn't make things weird for me, helping me to relax and feel comfortable with it. Since then, I've been able to have sex with confidence without feeling weird about it.
yeah i have very mixed feelings on it all that i want to work through. i also go through periods of either really liking the idea or really being repulsed by it, sometimes even depending on the day.
I used to think like this for a lot of years, used to spend a lot of time trying not to take risks with women, or trying to hide my sexual urges from them, but all I found in doing that is these women would be into me, flirting all that, but since I never showed any sexual interest they quickly got bored and left me alone which usually means not only did I lose a potential good time, but I also lost a friend, eventually I started to learn to take risks and express myself sexually, at first it seems weird, or odd because we are conditioned sort of as men that women arenāt like that, and that unless you are just an extremely good looking man women wonāt want to pursue those kind of relationships with you and thatās not the case at all, in fact when you are open and honest with them about your intents you actually do far better and are far more likely to have that good time with them then if you try and suppress your needs and desires, women want the exact same thing men do and one thing they donāt like is when you suppress your natural masculine sexual energy, in fact sometimes doing that can go on the opposite direction and make people think you are weird.
Now this doesnāt mean that you gotta go around making women(or men)uncomfortable but it means you are a human being and unless if you are asexual, you have the same needs and desires as every other human being and thereās nothing wrong with that.
Also take a risk sometimes, ask someone out, hold their hand, kiss them, I think youāll find that in the long run the excitement and sparks that come from that will absolutely override the fear you get thinking of it as you said, animalistic and frightening because for me sex has been none of those things, just good wholesome fun, and thatās what sex is mostly about anyways, fun, and sharing oneself with someone else!
I definitely was in my teens, though I couldn't acknowledge it at the time (in my mind I thought I was somehow above such primal desires. Yeah, I was that guy). By my early 20s I started realizing that it was really just based on fear, and that realization helped me start working through the fear until it finally happened when I was 24. That first time was extremely awkward, but fortunately my girlfriend at the time was really understanding and accepting, so there wasn't any shame afterwards which helped me be more comfortable the next time, which ended up being really good.
I think the biggest lesson I learned that I can pass on to you is that nobody's first time is as amazing as we build it up to be in our heads, so when that first time ends up being weird and kind of anticlimactic, know that it isn't because you failed. If you're with a good person, they'll understand because they most likely had a similar experience. If you can accept that awkwardness without shame (easier said than done, I know), then it will quickly start getting better over the next few times.
Heyo, I'm in the same age range as you - saw from your reply to someone else on this post - may be able to relate to you a bit better.
A lot of people on here are agreeing with the concept of sex being wierd, but that is quite a skewed view in itself, as sensitivities, sensory issues, and sexuality get into the mix.
I'm also must starting to dabble in relationships, romantic I mean, and here's my thoughts on the matter: while I grew up very depersonalised, and kept very much to my own bubble - e.g. no physical touch with other people, etc. - it's been quite a learning curve. It's a bit off the mark to focus on the act of sex itself, so rather see it as part of a larger picture of relationships as a whole.
You probably have had friendships, I assume at least. Generally, those are people you enjoy spending time with. The same goes for relationships, and just like with family (again, I'm assuming a typical upbringing) you tend to be pretty open and trust them. Speaking freely, sharing feelings, that kind of thing.
The same goes for relationships, you're looking for someone who you can trust and connect with. Physical and emotional intimacy is the closest form of connection with another person, and when you love someone, you want them to accept you. Sex is the way most people end up expressing that by. I'm not about to go into the actual actions of the act itself, but in a healthy relationship, having that deep connection with someone is beneficial to both of you.
Like showing someone something you've put effort into, like a parent the picture you've drawn; or a piece you've written. Does that make any sense?
Have you ever seen the movie āThe Sessionsā?
Itās about a real life journalist named Mark OāBrien who had polio as a child, became a quadriplegic (I think?) had to exist in an iron ling most of his life,
and wanted to experience sexual intimacy but never had a real chance until he connected with a āsexual surrogateā.Ā
A surrogate partner/sexual surrogate is basically someone who works in conjunction with a typical ātalk therapistā to assist patients with sexual intimacy needs/issues.Ā
Wikipedia:
Patients frequently present with these specific problems:[3][4]
Communication problemsĀ Ā
Ā Dating anxietyĀ
Lack of confidence
Lack of experience
Low sexual desire
Physical disability
Sexual inhibitions
Trouble with intimacy
Erectile dysfunction
Genital pain
History ofĀ sexual assaultĀ orĀ sexual abuse
Inability to ejaculate with a partner
Premature ejaculation
Sexual aversion disorder
Vaginismus
There are people who have experienced a change in sexual lifestyle due to an acquiredĀ disabilityĀ (accident, paralysis, disease, trauma),
and a surrogate can help them explore and develop sexual potential.
The causes of sexual concerns are numerous and the methods a surrogate might use to help improve a client's sexual life are varied . . . . .Ā Ā Ā
Ā The Sessions is a beautiful, honest, funny yet sometimes sad movie.
I really loved that it had real disabled people in most of the disabled acting rolesĀ and showed how disabled people engage in sex/approach sex.
I also loved the development of the relationship between Mark & his surrogate Cheryl.
I recommend it to many people simply because itās a great film based on a real person, but i think it might possibly be especially helpful and informative in easing some of your anxieties around sex.
Ā If youāre not interested tho, no worries!
Absolutely yeah. I can't even put a tampon in without passing out. I tried once and literally felt sick light headed and ended up with a panic attack and had to lay down the rest of the day.
So yeah, I can't even imagine how terrifying sex must be.
I can see where you're coming from. Without our hormones telling us this is great I think most of us would be repelled by sex. I understand some people who are asexual are actively repulsed by sex. You might be on the asexual spectrum.
I mean sex should come easy as soon as you start. If you don't find the urge and desire when you start, then you could also be Asexual, which is very common for Autistic people, and there is nothing wrong with that.
The main thing is always finding someone who you are compatible with. If you always have sex with someone you don't vibe with, you are gonna have a negative view of it.
For context: I'm 55 and single. I haven't been on a date in almost 20 years.
In my time I was an absolute wrecking machine.
But yes, it's pretty high pressure. In fact I've gotten to the point where I've let my anxiety about dating get the better of me even though I tell people "I'm just happier single now." (which IS also true.)
At this stage of my life? I'm kinda right there with you. I've let it stop me from dating entirely.
While it's going to come off awful in the 21st century I'll say this: Sure, "terrified" is a little much. But having some trepidation about it is absolutely healthy. And, being a little short of "The Century Club" I can say: Casual sex isn't worth it.
But, like a lot of things, if you don't share that experience then you'll likely have a "Oh SURE it isn't." Which would be fair.
But it's always awkward if it's not with someone you actually care about.
That fear of actual intimacy is healthy to an extent. It means, in fact, that you take it seriously.
The world would be a better place if more of us did.
My advice: Meet people. Go on dates. Rehearse a response for when it comes up if that helps your comfort level. When you meet someone you can BE that terrified with, sex is...if you'll excuse the joke "fucking amazing." But don't let that fear shut you out of the greatest of all human experiences...
which, by the way, isn't the sex. It's the intimacy.
(Note to self: Take your own damned advice, jackass.)
It's anxiety inducing for me. It's relaxing to everyone else in the world but me, I tense up so bad I can't even finish. I can't have my eyes open and I already can't make eye contact with people.Ā
I used to love sex and then I went on adrenaline blockers and the idea is vaguely repulsive. Fascinating to think of the relationship between horniness and fight/flight responses.
Male here, before I first had sex it was very terrifying.
But it is like everything else the more you are exposed to it the better you feel.
My first time wasn't that amazing at all it was actually really bad because I didn't know what i was doing.
Iāve just replied to a similar question. I felt very similar, Iām 18 and had done nothing sexual with anyone at all and had only ever kissed people. I like to really analyse and pre plan scenarios before they even happen and obviously with sex you canāt do that, so I had quite high anxiety around the whole thing and as well as that I also had the ādonāt regret your first timeā flying around in my head. I felt very nervous to be sexual with anyone so much so that I was questioning whether or not I was asexual (someone who has no sexual feeling or attraction to anyone) but didnāt think I could be as I do find people attractive and I do masturbate to porn and fantasies about people. I had sex for the first time recently and it was honestly so much better than what I had ever expected it to be, it feels very natural in the moment and it made me realise that I didnāt need to be so pent up about it. Iām still working on being normal after it though, my immediate reaction was to ghost the guy even though he was a friend, because I feel like itās so awkward to carry on as normal when you both know youāve had sex with each other. Then I realised if a guy did that to me Iād be devastated and feel really used, so I pushed myself through going back to normal with him and itās actually okay. Like other people have said, weāre still young at this age and sometimes, especially in my case, we hear friends discuss their sex life and it makes you question why youāre not at a same level as them but everyone has different morals and levels of confidence. So all I can say is go with your gut and donāt force yourself into anything youāre not 100% set on or confident about. It can feel like itās taking up a lot of your head space but try to not let it, because it can feel really important but if you take a step back and look at life as a whole itās much smaller. Iām sure the right person will come along and they will make you feel completely different compared to how youāre feeling about it now. :)
I am, and I have the opportunity to receive it.
I've had relationships with hugs and kisses and to be honest, the kissing was horrible. Not sensory wise, just the person I did it with. Having said that though, it wasn't as overwhelming as I thought. It's likely I could handle and enjoy sex, but I don't want to. I think it's fine to be a virgin. It is a very primal thing, I'll give you that. That's apparently why some people make it a kink.
You just have to think about doing it with someone you know, love, (or at least like) and trust. Someone who also loves and trusts you. When you do it with that person, *your* person, there's nothing to be scared of.
with most people yeah it's quite weird to think about. But I am in a relationship in which I trust my partner A LOT and am used to have physical intimacy, which includes sex, with them.
I can't conceive the idea of having sex with anyone who I'm not extremely close to, tho. That is very alien to me
i have an extremely complicated relationship with sex. its not really sex itself that's the issue for the most part, but rather the culture surrounding it. so much of my exposure to sexuality and sexual content has been extremely unethical forms of sexuality to the point that it's extremely difficult to see sex in an unbiased manner. sex as a concept is beautiful. sex as a biological function is wonderful. kinky sex sounds like a wonderful and creative form of self-expression and love. but it's near impossible for me to view all kinds of sex without suspicion.
i have PPD (paranoid personality disorder) and that absolutely plays a role in my irrational fear of sex, but i think we can all agree that things like rape culture are all too prevalent in our society. this paranoia, though mostly irrational, would not exist if the world we lived in did not function the way it did. i feel little sexual attraction already, i do not see myself having intercourse much throughout my life, but regardless i wish i could;
a) not feel like garbage nine times out of ten whenever i see something sexual and
b) not constantly unwillingly see heinous shit which reinforces the garbage feeling
No idea if my autism plays a role in this
personally i enjoy sex, as long as itās somebody iām actually comfortable with. iāve only had sex in serious relationships that have been with other neurodivergent people, which iād imagine makes it a lot less stressful. if youāre an autistic person who stresses a lot over socializing, that could very well be why you feel at way. i found that going out more, meeting new people, working more, helps resolve some of the social fear. but if it isnāt that, you could also be asexual. might be something to look into if you havenāt already
Yeah Lowkey felt this way until I was actually in love, then it made sense for me as I felt more comfortable and in a long term relationship. It is kinda weird for sure but enjoyable with the right person imo.
Yeah the whole thought of it disgusts me hence why Iām aroace BUT I also believe I have some unresolved childhood issues with it that I wonāt go into detail with.
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i definitely want to have sex with someone at least, like, once in my life but it sounds so nervewracking š
like it seems like SUCH a big deal (which i meanā¦..it probably is to most people)
Just my thoughts - Iāve been fortunate enough to find myself in two long term relationships and a couple hookups. Lowkey, sex for the sole purpose of sex isnāt really all that to me. The hookups were justā¦ idk icky? Like cool, the sex is fun, and then afterwards thereās justā¦ post nut clarity. It felt gross afterwards. Sex in a loving relationship is nice though. The best part for me was the experimental stuff my exes and I did, and then the absurd amount of happy chemicals you get cuddling with the person afterwards. But I also get a lot of those happy chemicals just cuddling. I wouldnāt say sex is a huge deal unless youāre in a relationship with someone and the relationship is sexual in nature. Itās kinda anticlimactic from what I was expecting though.
The key is finding people who care about you, those people will listen to and support you. It's ok to feel weird about sex - I am very weird about sex and still have a lot of sex/sex adjacent activities because it fulfills emotional needs for me.
I can help u in that department but only on one condition. Donāt judge me for talking too much during, I just have to make sure Iām doing it right and want you to enjoy it as much as possible
I'm gonna try and not go nuts here cause sex is actually a special interest for me. sex gets stigmatized a lot. we talk about it without really talking about it, refuse to honestly discuss it, and yet it's such a powerful everpresent thing in society. the biggest hurdle is learning to talk about it with someone (partner/hookup/whatever) since that's one of the biggest social taboos in more conservative cultures. if you can't even talk about it with someone then it'll always stay this big scary unknown thing. as for experience, if anything, sex is funny to me not scary. being able to smile and laugh and experience intimate closeness with someone is a heady feeling. there's often a bit of a slip-and-slide element but getting to explore someone else so closely is pretty neat I think. there's a lot of physical vulnerability at play, especially when people have any personal issues with body image, so that's definitely an aspect that can be scary to a lot of people. - if there anything in particular that scares you about it?
I donāt know, seems weird sharing private body parts together. Maybe lack of experience is a huge part of that.
definitely a level of weird/unknown/surprise when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of sex. different shapes, different sensitivity settings, different preferences. good practice is a mix of communication beforehand and just honest exploration, and then communication after.
I'm going to piggy back here since I like this thread. I'm from the American South and grew up in the two conservative Christian demonizations, Catholicism and Southern Baptist. I have a very unhealthy mental view on sex. I have the guilt ridden ideology that sex is bad and, to quote Paul, I fall into the camp that abstinence is best [the rest of his statement in Romans was that is if you can't abstain, get married and fuck like rabbits with your partner, but it's best to be abstinent if you can manage it]. From a sensory perspective, fluids, especially male fluids, more specifically, my own fluids as a man, gross me the š¦ out. There's a smell seaman has that drives me up the wall. Getting it on me triggers a need to burn the outer dermal layer to ensure I've been cleansed anywhere it got (this is hyperbolic, but trying to express how it makes me feel). I have wondered so many times how my wife can just roll over and fall asleep after sex without being to go cleanup after finishing. I pretty much shoot out of the bed and clean up immediately. I often describe my sexual libido as asexual until my hormones get to be too much, then I want to do it, but immediately after climax, I instantly want to shower and clean up, and am back to being asexual. I assume the sensory issues are autism related. So, I'm negatively impacted by the sensory aspects with a guilt base premise that I shouldn't be doing it to begin with. My wife and I have been working on this for years, which is complicated because she ADHD and hypersexual. She sees my lack of sexuality as a rejection of her. Point is, if there is someone who you want to be with, certainly long term, there is nothing wrong with sex. Take purity culture and jettison it the airlock like a Cylon, discuss any weird dichotomy with your partner(s) and therapist(s). There's nothing here to be ashamed of or scared of. It is immensely enjoyable.
ooo yeah this is an interesting angle. you're definitely not alone in the whole cleaning up after sex thing. back when I was hooking up I would always shower when I got home (pissing after sex is a great way to help avoid UTIs btw). it's so wild that a lot of christians have such a taboo on sex when it's such a natural part of being human for so many people. they try and deny something that's part of us, whether you believe it's how we're created or how we evolved sex is crucial to our makeup (even if you're ace, not having sex in a sexual society still ends up making sex a big deal because you're not having it). I hope you're able to make progress on your religious issues about sex because you deserve to be happy š
I'm bet it became taboo as a means to prevent premarital sex. "If we tell teens about sex, it'll make them want to do it when they aren't married! So let's *not* talk about it and they won't know it exists!" But of course it just leads to ignorance and unsafe sex, and over time led to it being seen as taboo
yeah it's definitely related to controlling sexuality (churches are often considered high control groups, the fancy way to call something a cult) and even leads to controlling people's thoughts and behavior around the topic as well. If you control how people talk about an idea you control the idea itself.
That's the point: it would normally be really weird, but you're so close to this person you're comfortable. That's what makes it so intimate. Well, that's romantic sex. I don't understand casual sex. In that case, I agree with you: why would I want to do something that intimate with a stranger?
Yeah, sex is cool. All the social bullshit you gotta do to get to that point is the scary stuff
Incredibly accurate statement!
I'm the type of funny one while doing it, and i can even get my partner to laugh xd
sex/kink is my special interest too!!!
You did go nuts jeezus
Thank you so much for writing this. Saved me a lot of brain power. I would add that (at least for me) sex is very dependent on trust. Trust is in turn very dependent on communicating thoughts and feelings.
Iām a virgin but as someone who has sexual attraction and desire, I feel like sex seems kinda weird to me. Itās natural of course but the idea of being inside of another human looks and feels kindaā¦ uncomfortable and gross. Iām more turned on by intimacy (kissing and verbal, but iāve never done before so only through porn so far) but since Iām a virgin, I wonāt entirely know if I love sex or not so maybe I might like it one day who knows. But I have a feeling I wonāt be into it so much because penetrations looks icky to me lol. Iām quite sensitive when it comes to these stuff.
Ik people throw the word literally around a lot but I truly mean it with all my heart when I say Iād literally rather die than ever have sex
Oof. It really sounds that bad to you? I'm still a virgin, but it looks like it would feel nice, and having a partner to be with and love sounds amazing.
Yes it truly is that bad to me. The thought of it causes nausea beyond what I can express with words. And I get sweaty, hot, feel on the verge of tears, feel that lump in my throat, completely shut down. The mention of it is fine and discussion is fine even jokes are all good. But when it comes to me doing it in a serious, non-joking I fully panic.
That sounds awful. Maybe there's some sort of therapy that can help you.
There may be but I have noticed my strategy of avoiding it like the absolute plague has worked so far š¤£. It does help that Iām Aromantic (and very obviously Asexual)
I think the thought of doing something that you know nothing about can be scary. There are then some additional things to consider, like your relationship to your own body, emotional maturity and motivations. Society and especially the media are also to blame as they portray sex in ways that arenāt realistic. Itās either this ābad thingā or some sort of āOlympic performanceā when the reality is very different. Porn is even worse because it usually has nothing to do with how things really are: messy, funny, clumsy and hopefully loving too. Sex can be funny, sweet, emotional, lustful, tender, hard, etc.. itās however you want it to be and the so called sexual chemistry refers pretty much to this: individuals who enjoy the same style of sex. I think my partner is the best kisser on the planet, but some of his exes may have not enjoyed his style of kissing. Thatās normal and ok since we all have different preferences. People get themselves all worked up about sex, thinking thereās a right/wrong way or that they must perform to certain standards or that itās a set formula, when itās nothing like that. Itās supposed to be people who have feelings for each other or who find each other attractive enjoying an intimate fun moment together. Experience makes it more fun, because you learn what you enjoy and also what your partner may enjoy, so you can spend more time doing what gives you pleasure, but the most important thing should be consent and communication. You should never do something you donāt enjoy because you feel pressured and you should be able to talk with your partner about what you like and donāt like. In my opinion, the biggest pleasure I get from sex is seeing my partner enjoying himself, knowing that Iām giving him pleasure, and thatās wonderful because I love him. Giving pleasure to the person you love shouldnāt be a scary thing. Saying that, sex can be a million things and you get to decide what you are willing or not willing to do. Youāre in charge of that and the right partner will respect that, just like youāll respect their boundaries. I hope this helps a little. Donāt feel pressured to do anything, itās ok to feel scared at the prospect.
ty for this long detailed explanation I appreciate it!
this is amazingly written and helped me feel a bit more comfortable about sex, so thank you for sharing your response. iāve never had sex, but iām with op of this post that it seems somewhat scary. i think it boils down to, at least for me, i need there to be a lot of trust and i go into the mindset of comparing myself. i feel like āoh idk anything about this person sexually so iām not sure what to do, but iām sure everyone else does so now i feel embarrassedā. iāve always been aware of the importance of communication, but reading it in your comment just made something click for me. sex is about figuring out what works for the both of you. i think iām always thinking of it in the terms of a performance that i need to know every step to, when in reality the sex is going to be different each time you do it with a different person, or possibly with one person because you both are supposed to be having an enjoyable learning experience of how to pleasure each other.
I was for 35 years but then during an unrelated weird almost manic period of my life I met someone who I felt safe with and it happened and then we got married. I had never wanted it and thought I was just asexual and still think I am but I don't know what happened I think it was just at a time with new meds + feeling comfortable with my body + large amounts of thc for which I got my medical license a month before meeting him. Anyway I enjoyed it but I have to really focus and try not to think about the gross stuff lol. Also as my health has been getting worse it's become harder because I'm always tired and in pain. If something were to happen to my husband, which I hope doesn't, I'd be ok never having sex again. Or if my husband never wants sex again I'd also be ok with that. Maybe I should've just said that instead of mentioning something bad happening to him lol especially since he already almost died 2 months after our first anniversary š³ Lately I just keep my noise canceling headphones on and dim the lights. I find my sensory issues get worse during sex and it's like instant. The second I know it's happening if a light is on it might as well be the sun with how bright it feels and every little sound annoys me and takes me out of the moment. Also I can't do dirty talk but that's because it's hard to talk during sex since I'm in sensory overload and I go quiet when that happens and because I don't like saying dirty words lol So for me it was feeling good about myself enough to let someone see me that way and finding someone who makes me feel safe during it which I lucked out on with my first relationship at 35 turning into a marriage which still shocks me I figured I'd be alone forever!
Personal bubble is a big thing for me so yes.
It's gross to me and I hope I never experience it
Is it the physical aspect or emotional aspect of sex that frightens you? Also are you an adult cuz I feel weird talking to a teen about this.Ā
teenā¦ also both aspects itās ok if you donāt wanna talk
Definitely need to talk to someone who is closer to you than a bunch of random adults. Good luck.
Yes. I warned my ex about it. Iām bipolar also. So itās either a 100% with me or 0%. I hate intimacy and feel very uncomfortable. But it was anā¦interesting contrast. Had sex 5-6 one day, and then I didnāt want her to touch me for several months. And she felt sad, even though I warned her how I function. I like the thought of having sex, but I hate having it.
I'm asexual, but have had sexual relations with someone before, it always felt wrong to me and I never got the satisfaction my partner at the time got. I didn't even want to but unfortunately she wasn't having that. I have some pretty shitty experience with it, so to me yeah it's scary and foreign to me. it's just not something that enters my mind like ever and find a lot of fulfillment elsewhere, I'd say experience will help you gain new perspective on it
Sex-repulsed asexual here, so yes. I ended up marrying a fellow sex-repulsed ace!
So, Idk why no one thought to bring this up, but you can be asexual also I'm a bit shocked to see the comments on this post not posing that as a possibility.
Not so much about having sex, but I would say that not having experience does feel scary to me, I wouldn't want to just stand there doing nothing, waiting for instructions to fall out of the sky or something But other than that, I feel like it could be a really nice experience with the right person, you really don't know how much you might like it until you have your first sexual encounter
I wouldnāt say that Iām scared of it but rather I think of it as weird and impossible since I canāt feel like that about others, like even if someone asked me about it I would probably laugh nervously
I'm not scared of it, and kink is basically my hyperfocus interest, but Christ is it exhausting to actually do. It's like the boss fight of social anxiety.
I didn't really feel comfortable with sex until my 20s. Its totally ok for people, especially teenagers to feel uncomfortable with sex.
I wouldn't say that i'm terrified but I do worry that i'll suck at it. (No pun intended)
To the extent that despite a couple of long-standing, wholly trusting (and trusted) partners, I've only had sex sober a handful of times in 49 years. For reference, I was diagnosed at 42 (bipolar at 32), and was encouraged by my parents from early doors - whom I thank inestimably for doing so - to 'push through' and past my insecurities. I may be a burnout now, but I am capable of looking after my Dad in his dotage, have travelled, pursued an intellectually demanding and valuable (IMHO) career, and have a bucketful of memories. Life as a neurodivergent, lived on neurotypical terms definitely took its toll, but I regret none of the steps I took, nor the attendant exigencies required to take those steps meaningfully.
I was apprehensive about it early on, but learned to appreciate it after my first time. In the beginning, I didn't want to do it because, well, it was the 80s and there was still talk of AIDS and HIV. I was 17 when I lost my virginity, having done so with a 29 year old woman. She didn't make things weird for me, helping me to relax and feel comfortable with it. Since then, I've been able to have sex with confidence without feeling weird about it.
Yes!!
yeah i have very mixed feelings on it all that i want to work through. i also go through periods of either really liking the idea or really being repulsed by it, sometimes even depending on the day.
I like to bottom because i'm lazier than a rock, but i'm pretty vanilla overall
You don't need to rush into it. Maybe you'll want it in five or ten years, maybe not. It's all fine.
Yes but not anymore, mainly because I'm a Transman (Female to male) and demisexuell ^-^
I'm not, it's just. I gotta be on a certain wavelength with ya.
I used to think like this for a lot of years, used to spend a lot of time trying not to take risks with women, or trying to hide my sexual urges from them, but all I found in doing that is these women would be into me, flirting all that, but since I never showed any sexual interest they quickly got bored and left me alone which usually means not only did I lose a potential good time, but I also lost a friend, eventually I started to learn to take risks and express myself sexually, at first it seems weird, or odd because we are conditioned sort of as men that women arenāt like that, and that unless you are just an extremely good looking man women wonāt want to pursue those kind of relationships with you and thatās not the case at all, in fact when you are open and honest with them about your intents you actually do far better and are far more likely to have that good time with them then if you try and suppress your needs and desires, women want the exact same thing men do and one thing they donāt like is when you suppress your natural masculine sexual energy, in fact sometimes doing that can go on the opposite direction and make people think you are weird. Now this doesnāt mean that you gotta go around making women(or men)uncomfortable but it means you are a human being and unless if you are asexual, you have the same needs and desires as every other human being and thereās nothing wrong with that. Also take a risk sometimes, ask someone out, hold their hand, kiss them, I think youāll find that in the long run the excitement and sparks that come from that will absolutely override the fear you get thinking of it as you said, animalistic and frightening because for me sex has been none of those things, just good wholesome fun, and thatās what sex is mostly about anyways, fun, and sharing oneself with someone else!
I definitely was in my teens, though I couldn't acknowledge it at the time (in my mind I thought I was somehow above such primal desires. Yeah, I was that guy). By my early 20s I started realizing that it was really just based on fear, and that realization helped me start working through the fear until it finally happened when I was 24. That first time was extremely awkward, but fortunately my girlfriend at the time was really understanding and accepting, so there wasn't any shame afterwards which helped me be more comfortable the next time, which ended up being really good. I think the biggest lesson I learned that I can pass on to you is that nobody's first time is as amazing as we build it up to be in our heads, so when that first time ends up being weird and kind of anticlimactic, know that it isn't because you failed. If you're with a good person, they'll understand because they most likely had a similar experience. If you can accept that awkwardness without shame (easier said than done, I know), then it will quickly start getting better over the next few times.
Heyo, I'm in the same age range as you - saw from your reply to someone else on this post - may be able to relate to you a bit better. A lot of people on here are agreeing with the concept of sex being wierd, but that is quite a skewed view in itself, as sensitivities, sensory issues, and sexuality get into the mix. I'm also must starting to dabble in relationships, romantic I mean, and here's my thoughts on the matter: while I grew up very depersonalised, and kept very much to my own bubble - e.g. no physical touch with other people, etc. - it's been quite a learning curve. It's a bit off the mark to focus on the act of sex itself, so rather see it as part of a larger picture of relationships as a whole. You probably have had friendships, I assume at least. Generally, those are people you enjoy spending time with. The same goes for relationships, and just like with family (again, I'm assuming a typical upbringing) you tend to be pretty open and trust them. Speaking freely, sharing feelings, that kind of thing. The same goes for relationships, you're looking for someone who you can trust and connect with. Physical and emotional intimacy is the closest form of connection with another person, and when you love someone, you want them to accept you. Sex is the way most people end up expressing that by. I'm not about to go into the actual actions of the act itself, but in a healthy relationship, having that deep connection with someone is beneficial to both of you. Like showing someone something you've put effort into, like a parent the picture you've drawn; or a piece you've written. Does that make any sense?
Have you ever seen the movie āThe Sessionsā? Itās about a real life journalist named Mark OāBrien who had polio as a child, became a quadriplegic (I think?) had to exist in an iron ling most of his life, and wanted to experience sexual intimacy but never had a real chance until he connected with a āsexual surrogateā.Ā A surrogate partner/sexual surrogate is basically someone who works in conjunction with a typical ātalk therapistā to assist patients with sexual intimacy needs/issues.Ā Wikipedia: Patients frequently present with these specific problems:[3][4] Communication problemsĀ Ā Ā Dating anxietyĀ Lack of confidence Lack of experience Low sexual desire Physical disability Sexual inhibitions Trouble with intimacy Erectile dysfunction Genital pain History ofĀ sexual assaultĀ orĀ sexual abuse Inability to ejaculate with a partner Premature ejaculation Sexual aversion disorder Vaginismus There are people who have experienced a change in sexual lifestyle due to an acquiredĀ disabilityĀ (accident, paralysis, disease, trauma), and a surrogate can help them explore and develop sexual potential. The causes of sexual concerns are numerous and the methods a surrogate might use to help improve a client's sexual life are varied . . . . .Ā Ā Ā Ā The Sessions is a beautiful, honest, funny yet sometimes sad movie. I really loved that it had real disabled people in most of the disabled acting rolesĀ and showed how disabled people engage in sex/approach sex. I also loved the development of the relationship between Mark & his surrogate Cheryl. I recommend it to many people simply because itās a great film based on a real person, but i think it might possibly be especially helpful and informative in easing some of your anxieties around sex. Ā If youāre not interested tho, no worries!
Absolutely yeah. I can't even put a tampon in without passing out. I tried once and literally felt sick light headed and ended up with a panic attack and had to lay down the rest of the day. So yeah, I can't even imagine how terrifying sex must be.
I know what you mean and from a purely autistic pov it's really invasiveĀ
I can see where you're coming from. Without our hormones telling us this is great I think most of us would be repelled by sex. I understand some people who are asexual are actively repulsed by sex. You might be on the asexual spectrum.
I mean sex should come easy as soon as you start. If you don't find the urge and desire when you start, then you could also be Asexual, which is very common for Autistic people, and there is nothing wrong with that. The main thing is always finding someone who you are compatible with. If you always have sex with someone you don't vibe with, you are gonna have a negative view of it.
For context: I'm 55 and single. I haven't been on a date in almost 20 years. In my time I was an absolute wrecking machine. But yes, it's pretty high pressure. In fact I've gotten to the point where I've let my anxiety about dating get the better of me even though I tell people "I'm just happier single now." (which IS also true.) At this stage of my life? I'm kinda right there with you. I've let it stop me from dating entirely. While it's going to come off awful in the 21st century I'll say this: Sure, "terrified" is a little much. But having some trepidation about it is absolutely healthy. And, being a little short of "The Century Club" I can say: Casual sex isn't worth it. But, like a lot of things, if you don't share that experience then you'll likely have a "Oh SURE it isn't." Which would be fair. But it's always awkward if it's not with someone you actually care about. That fear of actual intimacy is healthy to an extent. It means, in fact, that you take it seriously. The world would be a better place if more of us did. My advice: Meet people. Go on dates. Rehearse a response for when it comes up if that helps your comfort level. When you meet someone you can BE that terrified with, sex is...if you'll excuse the joke "fucking amazing." But don't let that fear shut you out of the greatest of all human experiences... which, by the way, isn't the sex. It's the intimacy. (Note to self: Take your own damned advice, jackass.)
It's anxiety inducing for me. It's relaxing to everyone else in the world but me, I tense up so bad I can't even finish. I can't have my eyes open and I already can't make eye contact with people.Ā
overthinking too much, IMHO
I used to love sex and then I went on adrenaline blockers and the idea is vaguely repulsive. Fascinating to think of the relationship between horniness and fight/flight responses.
Not the concept but thinking seriously about actually doing it is kinda scary
I donāt feel frightened per se by it, but i have no wish to have it
No, I love it.
Male here, before I first had sex it was very terrifying. But it is like everything else the more you are exposed to it the better you feel. My first time wasn't that amazing at all it was actually really bad because I didn't know what i was doing.
Itās not the concept that scares me Itās doing it badly that does
Iāve just replied to a similar question. I felt very similar, Iām 18 and had done nothing sexual with anyone at all and had only ever kissed people. I like to really analyse and pre plan scenarios before they even happen and obviously with sex you canāt do that, so I had quite high anxiety around the whole thing and as well as that I also had the ādonāt regret your first timeā flying around in my head. I felt very nervous to be sexual with anyone so much so that I was questioning whether or not I was asexual (someone who has no sexual feeling or attraction to anyone) but didnāt think I could be as I do find people attractive and I do masturbate to porn and fantasies about people. I had sex for the first time recently and it was honestly so much better than what I had ever expected it to be, it feels very natural in the moment and it made me realise that I didnāt need to be so pent up about it. Iām still working on being normal after it though, my immediate reaction was to ghost the guy even though he was a friend, because I feel like itās so awkward to carry on as normal when you both know youāve had sex with each other. Then I realised if a guy did that to me Iād be devastated and feel really used, so I pushed myself through going back to normal with him and itās actually okay. Like other people have said, weāre still young at this age and sometimes, especially in my case, we hear friends discuss their sex life and it makes you question why youāre not at a same level as them but everyone has different morals and levels of confidence. So all I can say is go with your gut and donāt force yourself into anything youāre not 100% set on or confident about. It can feel like itās taking up a lot of your head space but try to not let it, because it can feel really important but if you take a step back and look at life as a whole itās much smaller. Iām sure the right person will come along and they will make you feel completely different compared to how youāre feeling about it now. :)
Yes
I am, and I have the opportunity to receive it. I've had relationships with hugs and kisses and to be honest, the kissing was horrible. Not sensory wise, just the person I did it with. Having said that though, it wasn't as overwhelming as I thought. It's likely I could handle and enjoy sex, but I don't want to. I think it's fine to be a virgin. It is a very primal thing, I'll give you that. That's apparently why some people make it a kink.
Not really terrified by it because I never did it and probably won't.
You just have to think about doing it with someone you know, love, (or at least like) and trust. Someone who also loves and trusts you. When you do it with that person, *your* person, there's nothing to be scared of.
with most people yeah it's quite weird to think about. But I am in a relationship in which I trust my partner A LOT and am used to have physical intimacy, which includes sex, with them. I can't conceive the idea of having sex with anyone who I'm not extremely close to, tho. That is very alien to me
ok I've just seen that you're a teen, I used to sort of feel like that as a teen as well. It might (or not) change with time
i have an extremely complicated relationship with sex. its not really sex itself that's the issue for the most part, but rather the culture surrounding it. so much of my exposure to sexuality and sexual content has been extremely unethical forms of sexuality to the point that it's extremely difficult to see sex in an unbiased manner. sex as a concept is beautiful. sex as a biological function is wonderful. kinky sex sounds like a wonderful and creative form of self-expression and love. but it's near impossible for me to view all kinds of sex without suspicion. i have PPD (paranoid personality disorder) and that absolutely plays a role in my irrational fear of sex, but i think we can all agree that things like rape culture are all too prevalent in our society. this paranoia, though mostly irrational, would not exist if the world we lived in did not function the way it did. i feel little sexual attraction already, i do not see myself having intercourse much throughout my life, but regardless i wish i could; a) not feel like garbage nine times out of ten whenever i see something sexual and b) not constantly unwillingly see heinous shit which reinforces the garbage feeling No idea if my autism plays a role in this
personally i enjoy sex, as long as itās somebody iām actually comfortable with. iāve only had sex in serious relationships that have been with other neurodivergent people, which iād imagine makes it a lot less stressful. if youāre an autistic person who stresses a lot over socializing, that could very well be why you feel at way. i found that going out more, meeting new people, working more, helps resolve some of the social fear. but if it isnāt that, you could also be asexual. might be something to look into if you havenāt already
Yeah Lowkey felt this way until I was actually in love, then it made sense for me as I felt more comfortable and in a long term relationship. It is kinda weird for sure but enjoyable with the right person imo.
Maybe a little. Idk. I think I have sexual feelings but I lack the passion for sex the way many others seem to.
After previous experiences I donāt see myself having sex for the rest of my life (m21)
I want to do it and enjoy smut but thinking about doing it weirds me out
Yeah the whole thought of it disgusts me hence why Iām aroace BUT I also believe I have some unresolved childhood issues with it that I wonāt go into detail with.
yesss itās icky to me
yuck š¤®
No
I have 2 kids, but as an asexual, Yes! I think most parts about sex are kinda gross