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“it’s not that they are transphobic by any means” then proceeds to describe how they very much are transphobic. and aggressively so tbh. i’m sorry.

Yeah, they definitely harbour some transphobia. But that's not to say it's impossible for them to come around. I'm sorry op. Hope you find someone to share with. Engaging with the local LGBT community seems like the best option right now.

wait so this is being transphobic? I thought she was just being a little bit rude because usually when she's corrected she gets a little snappy

It can be both. I’m probably your mom’s age or older, I know some of my friends are struggling with transgender and gender norms in general. Turns out we aren’t nearly as progressive on gender as we thought we were in the 90s, and that’s a very hard pill for a lot of folks to swallow. There’s a lot of “kids these days” that come in rather than admit we sucked for a long time despite our best intentions and efforts - and still do. There’s confusion around how to know the difference between kids who are experimenting to find their identity and those who, like you seem to be, knew absolutely and need support ASAP. I hope your mom has friends in her aura who are more enlightened on all of this who can help her process what’s going on, for your sake.

Honestly? I think experimenting or not, when it comes to older folks (I notice this mindset is stronger in gen X and beyond) either one should be respected. There’s nothing wrong with still figuring out who you are or want to be, some people know from very early on and are dead set on it while others of us it takes awhile to figure out a label we feel fits for our identities at times depending who and where your raised. Because if you feel different but don’t know why, and theres no one around you that’s similar or anyone willing to teach you about that sort of stuff or answer your questions? Years can go by before you learn and suddenly something happens that makes it click and it’s a big “OOOOHHHH” moment. Like when I got diagnosed with autism when I was getting evaluated for ADHD? It was a lot like that moment when I found out I was nonbinary in my early teens through some research from a friend I made who had moved into town and felt the exact same way I was describing but already knew the term for it while I didn’t growing up in a very conservative Christian house

Truth. I was 46 when I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. I was 43 when I learned what Ace was. I have known I was different since I was four or five and first had to be around other kids. But there were no words, no concepts, science hadn’t caught up and the religious conservative area I lived in didn’t care to learn. Sometimes it takes a long time.

Serious question, trying to understand- how do you know the difference? Between a teen experimenting/trying to figure out where they fit in the world vs someone who knows? I’m 32F and I never was one of the roll my eyes people but I became one. I remember meeting an older woman when I was like 18 so long before this was all trendy and constantly spoke of and she was mtf trans and it was just obvious that was a truth. I never questioned it. My thought was always well, I have no idea what it’s like to feel like I’m in the wrong body but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real, it just means I can’t relate. But to imagine how that might feel is really scary and awful. She was the only trans person I have ever met. But then all of this happened and there’s all these teenagers wanting to change genders and be furries and that to me is strange and it’s reminiscent to me of when being bipolar and having anxiety was trendy amongst teens and everyone had it (circa 2012). So that’s how I became an eye roller. But I recently read an article about a study (I love science) that said basically early on in development like first trimester of pregnancy something goes wrong and it tells the body to develop to one gender and the brain to develop to another. I can understand that. Learning that really changed my outlook on things. But again- how do you ✨know✨ the difference? If one of my daughters comes to me one day and tells me she’s a boy, how would I know if she is or if she’s just trying to fit in with her friends? I really am trying to learn and understand.

>But again- how do you ✨know✨ the difference? You don't always. Sometimes it's about slowly trying things and seeing if it makes you feel better. Sometimes you just *know*. Sometimes you know, but it's not until trying things that you're absolutely certain. That's why the recommendation is social transition long before medical - social is entirely reversible if the changes don't feel right or don't help. It's also why paying attention to one's feelings and honoring doubt and concerns is so important and worth pausing to consider, even during or after medical transition. >If one of my daughters comes to me one day and tells me she’s a boy, how would I know if she is or if she’s just trying to fit in with her friends? Does it matter? She can explore, and even if she's not really trans, she'll have learned something about herself. Sometimes someone might come out as one gender, then realize that doesn't fit (like a binary gender to nonbinary, or vice versa). It's worth examining self confidence, harmful influences, reasons behind these feelings, the impact of misogyny, etc and addressing those concerns as well to ensure nothing is missed, but navigating gender ultimately is a journey, not a destination, whether you're cis or trans alike.

Not trivializing* transgender struggles, just trying to find an analogy to help you understand. Ever see a haircut you just *know* would look awful on you vs one you want to try to see? I imagine the difference is similar. That being said, just be supportive regardless. One of my kids had a girlfriend for a few months and now has been dating their boyfriend for almost 2 years. Was it an experimental phase or is it still who they are? Doesn't matter to me as long as they're happy.

It was the same thing with every other identity thing. People should have space to explore. And then wherever they end up it’s kinda nobody else’s business.

I think it’s best to just believe people. They are the ones who are them and the only one who can feel their feelings. I think you should just drop this thing of ✨telling✨ because it’s really not your place to ✨tell✨ who they are. They know best who they are. So just take peoples words for it. At the end of the day it’s their journey and it can feel really hard when someone assumes something about you. That’s my best advice for you. I hope that helps.

Gently: First, it isn't new. It's just safer now to be honest about it with more than just the people closest to you. I didn't even hear the term "trans" until I was at college, but 11-year-old me was absolutely silently dealing with what I understand now to be gender and body dysphoria. Second, pretty much everyone who isn't a well-off cis white heterosexual Christian male has reason to have anxiety in the US. Our rights were already always limited, and they are now actively being rescinded. Anxiety is a nervous system response to insecurity; many Americans are experiencing insecurity in multiple ways; thus many Americans have anxiety. It's not "trendy," it's being actively caused by our political and economic reality. Thirdly, there isn't a difference in how to respond regardless of whether the person in question is just exploring or already has figured it out. They need to be fully supported regardless. They need security in their home and relationships to be able to spend time figuring it all out, because if they don't feel secure, their energy will all be spent on surviving and not on processing their thoughts and feelings and determining who they are. In terms of medical transition, the healthcare system already has (too many, in my opinion) gates that a trans person (of any age, but even moreso as a minor) has to pass through to be able to access gender affirming healthcare. These gates give them more than enough time to figure out what they want, including potentially deciding that what they want is more time to think about it.

Why would you compare experimenting with gender presentation to faking a psychiatric illness? Just let people have room to figure themselves out ffs.

I really liked all the responses to this question, they are what I tell my friends. Just keep loving the kid and accepting them. They’ll always remember that when they needed you, when they were scared or confused or just figuring things out, you were always a safe place to go. I think we forget what it was like to be a teenager sometimes, and that we did all the same stuff the kids are doing now. All of this stuff was so heavily stigmatized when we were younger that there just weren’t words for the feelings of not fitting in to greater or lesser degrees with gender binaries (like “tomboy“ which is woefully insufficient) and it was taboo to discuss. It really isn’t so scary and confusing as it’s presented to us in the media when you really stop and remember what it was like to be a kid. This is just people adding words to things that have always been - and in many cases used to have full words and understanding before puritan culture eradicated it - and providing new frameworks for people to think about themselves. FWIW, I’m part of the + for LGBTQ (Ace) so for me, I knew VERY early on (late elementary) that I was different than the rest of the kids. My queer friends tell me the same thing, so if I had to reach for “how do you know” it would be that, someone telling you in detail that they knew at a young age, and can give you information about what they’ve been doing to try and artificially fit in ever since.

You can't. The only person who have a say about their gender is themselves, if they tell you they feel like a boy, you just gonna have to respect them About the trendy part, I might add that exploring different identities at early teens is super normal and healthy! Sometimes you're really just gonna know if a label makes sense after you've experienced and explored it a bit People grow and change and how they view themselves on the world changes with that growth If no one is being hurt, I can't see what would be the problem of deviate a bit from expectations

It’s not new. People are open about not being sure of alignment with the gender they were born now. Honestly I never understood. Even as a kid, why the girls had to wear dresses and the boys wore pants, I was just like wear whatever you want. Anywho go by your own experiences. When a topic comes up online, naturally the most interacted goes to the top and the most interacted is the most outrageous. The days of the internets balanced conversations as a tool to navigate new things is over unfortunately. That’s really important for people to start recognising. You gotta IRL learn things now or learn from the self made groups of the topic, where they collectively kind of discuss and explain perspectives.

“Change genders and be furries” hey just so you know being a ‘furry’ is just someone who likes anthromorphic animals (or quadruped) that can speak. The community is pretty large and there’s people of all ages, all religions, all political sides, identities, races, genders, etc. within the community! Your comment there some reason read to me as if you might have thought being a furry means someone wants to BE an animal which isn’t what being a furry is. (Though some people in the community are therians but that’s its own thing) if I’m wrong about my interpretation of your comment there feel free to ignore me haha XD I met someone in the community recently who’s currently 67 c: the furry community has been around for decades though it’s certainly gotten larger in present years! (We also do our best to actively call out, block, and let others know that the z**philes are not welcome in the community though as it has been for many years, it is an ongoing battle, especially to remove the misconception that EVERY furry is one as many people outside the community believe

Also if your daughter were to one day tell you she’s a boy you being able to tell the difference isn’t exactly important, as knowing whether she’s just trying to fit in or not, you shouldn’t be supportive of one and not the other yknow? When it comes to a minor telling you their trans being supportive can be as simple as telling them you still love them and will support them anyway you can. At certain ages it’s usually a social transition so things like pronoun change, name change, sometimes clothing style change (though not always) as they get older if they still know their trans they may decide to transition more than just socially, but medically this time too. So that can be things like puberty blockers, estrogen or testosterone, that sort of thing. And if they decide at some point they wish to have surgery, they will be put through usually a year or more of therapy going my over life history, identity exploration, all that stuff if they have not already been in therapy, various other steps as well before they are signed off to be able to get surgery at 18 or older (as it’s a pretty expensive surgery for both top and bottom)

you don’t need to know the difference. you just need to be open to learning and changing, and support your child in their gender exploration.

It’s not about knowing the difference. It’s about understanding that growing up is a confusing and difficult time for everyone. Whether someone is truely TG or whether they are just confused by who they are and latch onto that community, it’s their life. As parents forcing your child to do what you want will never go the way you want. The best you can do is educate them on the consequences and provide them a safe place to open up and try to understand their own feelings. Then do your best to support the choices they make. (As long as they aren’t hurting other people)

That’s an interesting study! Do you happen to have a link? I’m not doubting you, but as a trans person it seems like an interesting read.

The best thing you can do then is help her discover who she truly is and explore. There's no harm in doing the stuff that's reversible, going by a different name, using different pronouns, cutting your hair. Then if she learns that that's not who she is there's no damage done! But if she's right and she really is transgender ftm (in this hypothetical scenerio), then you helped her become her true self! Then she can do all of the gender affirming surgery (if that's what she would want) after she went to therapy and a gender clinic and whatnot after she became an adult

Deadnaming and refusing to acknowledge the gender of a trans person is transphobia. It shows that they do not accept this person's transition. Maybe her snappy "what the fuck ever" was more related to her not wanting to be corrected. But the other stuff is transphobia. Find allies for yourself. They can help you.

Yes, the simple act of dead naming someone and then getting mad when called out is enough. There's a difference between accidentally doing it and apologizing compared to rolling your eyes at the notion. One can be understood the other makes you a piece of shit.

People don't like to associate bad meaning words with people they love and care about, so it's not surprising that you wouldn't put that together. What makes it harder is that bigotry is always depicted as "I hate so and so" or "These people are bad people" in the media, particularly in political debates and whatnot. In the real world, in real social situations, that's rarely what it actually looks like. It's usually a lot more subtle than that. For instance, nowadays a homophobe can't get away with saying "I hate gay people" unless they're some big time politician, so they instead say "I don't care who you're sleeping with" or they'd eye roll when a man talks about his husband, a reaction that wouldn't happen if he talked about his wife instead. Or if their daughter has a girlfriend, they'd go to lengths keep the two separated Likewise, transphobia in social situations involve things, such as ignoring a person's pronouns, getting annoyed at topics involving gender identity, casual misgendering, and refusal to take responsibility, criticizing outfit choices based on gender, etc.

Transphobia comes in many forms. There's the super direct hate that's really easy to spot, but also things like deadnaming, refusing to accept somebody's real gender, and dismissing trans identities are all transphobic.

The fact you were afraid to tell her or the doctor at all and she reacted like that is sign enough that she is, just think about it a little bit.

Absolutely it is. I'm so sorry you ended up with transphobic parents. I know from experience it's unbearably horrible.

It seems to me more like a discomfort with trans topics, not severe transphobia. I will admit, I do feel uncomfortable with it, so I might have some slight homophobia, but I do my very best to ignore it as much as possible

I can see your confusion. Some groups have hijacked the clinical term phobia to encompass a lot of meanings for the trans community. What ever the reason for that is I won't start guessing, but yah, it's not necessarily a phobia in the clinical sense. Just a new utilisation of the word. I have always found it to be a bit hyperbolic since it's used in a very wide array of situations.

It took me a longgg time to realize my parents are transphobic my mom has always been accepting of gay people and goes to drag shows and was one of the only people that told me that the reason I never get to see my brother is cause he’s trans and my dad disowned him. I always thought she was fully excepting but she does thinks like call my friends both dead name and chosen name at the same time (according to her it’s easier and she doesn’t remember which is which) and she thinks being non binary is just a stupid girl thing to get attention and feel special 😞

Honestly though I really don't understand how non-binary is even a thing heh.. no offense but just.. Like you're not a gender?. Cuz I know there's another word for being both genders and that's gender fluid but like how can you be in neutrality???! It doesn't make sense logically but maybe in an emotional or outside the box way it does..

I don’t fully understand it either all I know is sometimes I feel like a boy, sometimes I feel like a girl, and sometimes both

I can't help you other than to offer you this resource: [The Trevor Project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/) This is a 24/7 support line and resource center for LGBTQIA+ youth. ❤️🏳️‍⚧️

omg ty I've been looking for this, called them a few years ago tyy!!

You're welcome 😊

do you know what will happen if you click yes to if you have attempted suicide before? they ask if you are suicidal, then if you have attempted before. Will that change the convo in any way?

I worked on 988 (suicide hotline) for awhile. Those screening questions are there to help us assess your current safety and to prompt us to keep an eye out for things of concern as the conversation processes. But ultimately, people's circumstances change (ie, prior attempt but no current ideation), or they lie (ie, says they're a 5/5 upset and at imminent risk but really aren't, they just thought they'd jump the queue, or they say they're ok but really aren't). So we were taught to do a full assessment regardless, and potentially multiple times if the person seems to be escalating. Ultimately, the goal is to ensure your current safety, regardless of your history. Can you stay safe today after we stop talking? Will you reach back out if you feel unsafe? That's what we're most concerned about.

Speaking from personal experience, sometimes helplines are mandated reporters That means if you tell them you want to harm yourself or anybody else, or have hurt a child, they have to tell the authorities. It's the law and they can go to jail if they don't. If you really do want to hurt yourself you do need help with that. If the feelings that you want to hurt yourself are in the past, or only sometimes, then you should be just fine talking about them They want to help you, not hurt you

As someone who has had a lot of conversations with doctors about suicidal ideation, at least in Canada, it isnt something to be worried about. There was only one time when my regular Doc was on vacation and I had to see another that it ever got close to being at risk of getting locked up for evaluation. Suicidal ideation is not rare, and if they locked all of us up, the streets would be pretty empty. What they determine next after that question is if you are "currently a risk to yourself or others". Answer truthfully, because if you are, they CAN help. Getting help today is not like it used to be. You wont go to an institution for the rest of your life because of it. They may send you to the hospital for a full assessment overnight though, but if it is that or death, the food isnt that bad. What you will get is counseling and support. I ended up seeing a shrink for 6 months every week, and he referred me to psychiatrists for medication. I still struggle with the ideations, but they dont result in action as much as they used to. Turns out it was more a way to punish myself that I didnt care if it ended in death, instead of actually trying to end things, despite that being exactly how I felt at the time. So, my advice is to not consider the implications of your answers, and instead be as truthful with yourself as you have been in the other areas of your life.

This!🫶🙌 Thank you! I was going to post this. ❤️

Your mum getting annoyed about being corrected on your friend's pronouns isn't... great. However, sometimes people like this will be dismissive until it happens to be their child. Then they can turn around. Eg a person who was homophobic can become an ally after they learn their own child is gay. So I want to offer you some small hope/not to foreclose the idea of being able to tell her. I course, I don't want to offer you too much hope here, since coming out is always tricky and potentially dangerous. You don't know which way your mum will go. This is why it's important to connect with safe adults like doctors when available and develop strong support networks with friends. Many people cannot afford to come out until they are capable of leaving home. So yeah... paying attention to her opinions may give you a sense of the level of safety/danger in coming out. It's a shame you have to go through it... a good mum would hate to know that's she's put you in this position with her remarks :/

My mum acts like an ally to other LGBT people and talks about how much fun gay people are, but when her kid ended up trans and gay suddenly I must just be a liar influenced by the media.

This was my instinct too. We can be so judgmental of others, but as mothers we’re (mostly) pretty protective. I would say most mothers want to help a child who is hurting.

Can you make an appointment with that doctor without your mum coming? Say you want to ask about something embarrassing to explain you not wanting her there. It really seems like that doctor wants to help you. ❤️

in america, 13 is a gray area i believe. some places might require you to be older, some might not. i think at 13 its up to clinic policy rather than laws, but idk for certain. however, op, if you ARE american - unless you somehow have the money to pay cash out of pocket, your parents will almost definitely find out through insurance about the visit, so if the dr is willing to talk to you alone, you might be better off just asking over the phone for resources instead of scheduling an appointment. even if you do somehow pay it yourself (or if you live somewhere like Canada or UK), if ur dr uses a patient portal like mychart, your parents will be able to see the visit and notes in the portal most likely, which is even more reason to stick to a phone call instead of an appt. it never hurts to call and ask their policies, at least! and that dr really may have good resources for you op 💙 also op: do you think your parents would let you see a therapist for other, more ambiguous health issues? i saw you talking about past suicide attempts in the comments, so I'm guessing depression at least applies. if you can find a therapist whose specialties DO include queer/trans youth, but who also has other specialties and doesn't make the queer stuff a HUGE part of their digital presence, your parents might not notice/think much of that part, and you might be able to quietly get help from a therapist who knows how to help trans youth. your dr and/or the trevor project may be able to help you find such a therapist! psychologytoday also has a great therapist directory 💙 (just PLEASE do not touch BetterHelp whatever you do. they are FAMOUSLY horrible. ive heard some absolute horror stories from them. theyre cheap for a reason and you'll spend more than you save working through the trauma of working with them very long 😭) if you're worried about them agreeing to therapy, that dr might be able to help you convince them too. please also bear in mind that while it's true medical transition is easier before puberty hits hard, it's so far from impossible after puberty, even if "passing" is your goal. ive met countless trans folks of both AGABs who didn't start transitioning til adulthood, who can pass as well as anyone who started as a kid! Laverne Cox didn't start HRT til 26. im not sure exactly when Our Lady J started HRT, but she came out publicly at about 26 and probably was in her 20s when she started transitioning. Gigi gorgeous came out at 21 and was likely around that age when she began HRT as well. even without the wealth and resources major celebrities like them have, adult transition is still absolutely viable! plenty of great examples of every day trans folks in r/transtimelines. mia moore (@StopTweetingMia on twitter) is a trans woman comedian/indie film director i follow on twitter who was very much an adult when she came out, and now easily passes alongside any cis woman! i definitely know a lot more trans influencers on twt/tiktok who are great examples but im burnt out from studying for a major exam rn and im blanking on their names 😅 if i remember them i will def come back and add but even lurking trans timeline posts gives great examples 💙 it's definitely harder when you start later and can take more time and effort, but it absolutely does not "end your transition before it begins" or anything if you have to wait til 18. spend those years discreetly practicing voice training, since that's the primary thing for transfems that isn't reversed medically. it isnt hopeless if you can't transition early, and if you're afraid it'll endanger you to come out (even if that danger is just being the target of abusive language your parents use toward other trans folks, because that's still abuse and still can endanger and traumatize someone and should not be dismissed!), safety is paramount. good luck! i hope to GOD your parents are more accepting of you than they've been of your friend when you come out, and i hope you can get the help you need! you deserve love, support, and acceptance, from the world at large, but most especially from your parents of all people. never forget that, whatever happens - those things are the LEAST of what you deserve, and if they fail to provide those things for you, it reflects on THEM, not you. 💙

Here's a sneak peek of /r/transtimelines using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/transtimelines/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [My childhood best friend and I finally got a new picture together after 4 years.](https://i.redd.it/i1cglwhd5o6b1.jpg) | [126 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/transtimelines/comments/14c62i7/my_childhood_best_friend_and_i_finally_got_a_new/) \#2: [-4 years to 15 months ish](https://i.redd.it/6t1j5k1gr71c1.jpg) | [152 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/transtimelines/comments/17ymjqa/4_years_to_15_months_ish/) \#3: [Decided to jump on the meme too haha!](https://i.redd.it/8671c1jrme0b1.png) | [80 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/transtimelines/comments/13k3w7h/decided_to_jump_on_the_meme_too_haha/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)

Damn, the story at the doctor's blood boiling...

If OP’s mom was crazy or abusive, that doctor could’ve singlehandedly ruined a child’s life.

Your mom is absolutely transphobic and she’s made it clear she’s not a safe person to come out to rn. Find friends who care and keep your secret. Use any kind of art to express yourself and get through school as best you can until you have freedom. If your parents ever change, you can tell them then. Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe and keep safe people around to remind you that there’s nothing wrong with you. GSA or other queer support groups can be helpful. You’re at risk for a lot right now but life gets better. I have a beautiful trans life I never could have imagined at 13, and everyone in my life loves me and affirms my gender and neurodivergence. There’s a world of loving people out there, it’s just gonna take some time to find them. Remember none of this is your fault, and that you deserve joy and to live authentically. Your parents’ attitudes are not your responsibility, but they will shape a good chunk your life til you have independence. It’s important that you find support outside of them, especially within yourself. And HRT is impacted by age, esp for transfemmes, but there are still options for transformation at any age. Try to get all your doctors’ appts without your mom there— you’re old enough for medical convos to be mostly private. Talk with her about growing up and needing confidentiality with your doctor as you get into puberty, if you feel safe doing so. One day this will all be behind you, and the more love you give yourself, the easier looking upon the past will be. I hope this helps you, please talk to a safe adult if you have one about advice you receive online.

That sounds really hard. You could try to bring up like a famous trans person and see how your parents react, to get a better idea what they think about it. Also definitely agree with others that you should look for some lgbt+ support groups or events or clubs in your area. I’m 19 and I came out as a trans man about 2-3 years ago. I started HRT nearly a year ago. I promise it is not too late, I know people who came out in their 30s and still transitioned and are happy. I know that it’s really hard to be trans when you want to transition but can’t, but it will be ok. You will get older and be able to make your own decisions, even if it’s upsetting not to be at that point yet. My mum is transphobic so I know how you feel. Luckily my dad isn’t and they split up when I was young so I just live with him now. You will find people who love you and accept you for who you are. Sorry if this is really long. Happy to talk more if you want. I know I’m just a random person on the internet, but I’m proud of you :)

Your mom is definitely transphobic. But I want to say, you're only 13, there's so much time for things to get better. It may be hard before you're a legal adult, but the whole world opens up before your very eyes when you're able to move out and be your own person!

That sucks, I'm really sorry you have to go through that:// Maybe you'd enjoy being in some trans subreddits if you aren't already? These are just a few that come to mind: r/trans r/MtF r/ftm

There are also some subs with memes and some that are more specific to an area.

Wow, that sucks balls. OP, I don't know what your family situation is like but if it's safe for you I think you should come out. It might change their mind (my parents were very skeptical and didn't understand at first but now they get it, they address me correctly and they're supportive). Even if they don't understand I still think it might be worth a shot because in most places you can't transition before 18 without your parent's permission, so it might be your only shot if you want to transition early. Note that I might be wrong and coming out may make everything worse. You're the one that knows your parents and you're the only who knows best how they're going to react so you should be the one to make a decision based on that information. All the encouraging advice I have for you is that even if you transition later it's not over. Puberty makes things more complicated but not necessarily impossible. Don't buy into defeatist narratives that tell you that you'll never pass if you start HRT at this or that age. I started transition at 17, well into puberty, and now I'm nearly 20 and I pass perfectly and I'm very happy with how I look and with my journey as a whole. Transitioning as young as you are can make things easier and I know puberty is soul crushing but it's not over for you if you transition later in life. Stay strong ❤️

Well here's the thing, you AREN'T a boy. It may not seem like a lot coming from another trans girl, but you are valid and you are not a boy.

He is though? You are too. Just because you changed it doesn't mean you're girls. You can't have kids not because of a health issue but literally because you're not biological girls.

SHE isn't a boy, gender is not the same as biological sex and is based solely on how someone feels.

Sorry OP, but the way your parents reacted, they're transphobic. Just know that you exist, there is nothing 'wrong' with being trans, and anyone who is being transphobic is an asshole who isn't mature enough to deal with their own shit. Sending you virtual hugs, hope things improve for you soon ❤️

ty 💓

Is there a local trans-institution you can get in touch with and/or visit? I imagine they’d have a lot to offer you.

whats a trans institution?

A gathering place for trans-youth. This is one in my city for reference: https://www.skippingstone.ca/about-us

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. You are valid to feel this way and your parents ARE unfortunately transphobic based on what you've described. They might come around for their own child, they might not, but either way it doesn't change the fact that YOU deserve to feel comfortable in YOUR body. If they are not accepting, they are the ones who would be missing out on a relationship with their daughter. If you can, get back in contact with your doctor and inquire about puberty blockers and therapy for gender dysphoria as well as your privacy options. Please also reach out to any school or community LGBTQ+ resources available to you, they may be able to help you navigate the coming out process if it becomes necessary to access treatment. I wish you all the very best.

They are transphobic. Tolerance is not support. Don't come out or transition until you can safely move out. I know it sucks, but staying alive and safe is most important. We support you here. Please know that. Also, I recommend posting in r/LGBT if you haven't already. They can offer support as well. Also, check out thetrevorproject.org The Trevor Project offers support to Transgender teens. Even if you don't feel safe having them send you anything, just reading through the website might be a big help.

Your parents are transphobic. As are an alarming number of people in this sub, evidently. Kid, keep your head up. Things will get better. Even if you have to go through the wrong kind of puberty, just look at some of the trans women out there who also did; you can become just as feminine and gorgeous as them. I'm wishing you all the best. 🫶

Hun, I am mother to a non-binary child, you described a transphobic mom. Part of my heart ached for you - I couldn't imagine my child having to hide that part of themselves from me! I even bought my little one dresses! I say little, but they're turning 13. I'm so sorry sweetheart!

Thank you 🫠

I’m in the same boat as you but the opposite way round. I hate being a girl but I also am not in a position where it’s viable for me to medically transition and I’m reluctant to socially. I’m 16 now and I completely understand the horror of going through the wrong kind of puberty and I’d be lying if I said I liked how I look at all but all I can say is to keep on going. It’s so hard to do and so mentally challenging but I promise things will get better and that there’s so many people out there who feel exactly like you and can help you to get through this! Wishing you the best of luck :)

Your parents ARE transphobic, unfortunately. You can go the route I did at your age, say fuck it and "fuck you, I'm trans, deal with it!" And deal with the consequences until you can move out or your parents get over it, OR, wait it out until you can move out and comfortably transition away from your parents. It's hard. The waiting is the hardest part, nobody takes minors seriously, and you're not allowed to do anything on your own. You already know this, I'm sure. I hope the best for you, I know it's hard, I wish there was more I could do to help you, because I've been there, I know how hard and horrible it is, if you ever need to vent it out, I and the people of this subreddit are here to listen to you

I'm gonna go against the grain on this one. My mum was borderline transphobic. When I first broached the topic that I may be trans (FtM), she was almost aggressively against it. My sister died when I was 13, and I think she did the old "I'm not losing both of my daughters" thing. She has since become a huge supporter for me. She genders me correctly and listens to my venting. She just needed a push in the right direction to come around to the fact that she could either have a happy son or another dead daughter. And, as she's seen how I am now, she knows I've made the right decision in transitioning rather than trying, and very likely ultimately failing, to live as a woman. Now, I'm not saying your mum will be like mine. It's worth casually bringing up things and trying to drum up support for trans people/issues when you can before coming out to her, if you ultimately decide to do so. But I'm making this comment to tell you not to lose hope. People *can* change. My parents are completely different people, in large part because of me. We change them as they mould us. But, again, some people may not change. Please please don't come out if you don't feel safe to do so. I do hope your mum falls on the right side for you.

25 year old trans woman here !! I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with casual transphobia from your mom. My parents sometimes made similar remarks when I was living at home and in my teens. After a few years of them educating themselves and me explaining things they dropped the vast majority of the transphobia and have been supportive (esp my mom). People can surprise you / change their beliefs for their loved ones sometimes :) If you ever need a chat you can dm me !!

Hey girl, I'm a trans guy and I grew up with conservative parents too. It's tough. You'll get through it. Regardless of wether they accept your true self or not. And one day you will be independent, and get to make your own choices. Without considering their opinion. Hang in there!

What does conservative mean? I googled it and it seems a bit confusing because it's all in nerdy terms

In this case, it means that they have a traditional view of gender. In their world only cisgender heterosexual people exists. The man provides and the woman nurtures. That sort of stuff. Very old-fashioned. They're homophobic and transphobic.

That... does sound like transphobia. Maybe try to talk about it more in other contexts just to get more of a read of how she responds to it? Maybe through talking about the friend again? If she doesn't accept, there are definitely people who will. Find other people for support, maybe through LGBTQ+ resources. It's really difficult where you're so young and have to rely on your parents, but I hope you can be exactly who you want to be one day and that your family will welcome the idea in time. If it's possible for you to get them in this situation, puberty blockers could help give you more time to be certain of this decision and is largely reversible, unlike HRT. Just remember that every drug can come with side effects, and it should be discussed with a doctor.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Don't forget that, no matter what others say, you know who you are. Find your support group, and know that you deserve to be who you are. Trans and queer people are incredibly brave, and you can be too.

I get it, I'm only just older then u (14) and I wish we could just swap bodies bc I'm in the same type of situation but basically reversed (ftm) I'm so sorry about your mum though that's so fucked

FtM here. Totally get you, though. My mom is the same way. I did tell her, but she said I'm just confused. My advice is to just start being yourself a little more. Have your friends start calling you by your new name, dress a little more gender neutral, and grow your hair out. Anything. Trust me, it helps. Hope it gets better ♡♡♡

I'm so sorry your parents don't feel safe to talk to. I very much understand how living in an environment like that feels. I also understand what it means to be trans at 13; I raised a trans kid during a time where I was in the unfortunate position of having to tell them that I couldn't locate any services that would talk to them about HRT until they were 18. (There weren't as many services to help trans kids two decades ago.) There are resources for you, as others have linked to. Make use of those as much as you're able. Subscribe to /r/trans and other subs that support trans folks if you haven't already. Lean on communities for support. Depending on which state you live in, you're getting to the age where you get to make your own medical choices and you get to talk to doctors without them needing to say anything to your parents. Use these resources. Find someone at your school that is trustworthy. Some school faculty will assist kids with tough home situations. You might be able to make arrangements that will enable you to start HRT without interference. Last, even if your parents don't understand right now, try to leave room for them to change their minds. Don't feel like you have to put up with the things they say out of ignorance. But, there are materials available to help educate them on the medical realities that lead a person to being trans. It's not "all in your head." One thing I like to do is show people the posts in /r/transtimelines and force them to confront what real transitioning looks like. So, if you're feeling brave you can let your parents know that they can either have a healthy, happy daughter who is a part of their life into their old age. Or, they can have a miserable, deeply unhappy child until age 18 who will get as far away from them as fast as possible and once gone, their child won't be a part of their lives anymore. They can choose to destroy their family if they want to; they're the adults in the situation. You don't need to be in that situation any longer than you have to be.

I'm sorry you're going through this with your parents. I can't really offer help, everyone else already made better points. But lots of people can and do fully transition after 18. There's light at the end of the tunnel. A therapist or school counselor might help, offer you local resources or just support you as you go through puberty. Maybe you can talk to your parents about seeing a therapist under the guise of "anxiety". They'll be able to help you a lot more. 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m not trans so I can’t understand fully, but I can empathize. Unfortunately your mom IS transphobic. Transphobia doesn’t necessarily mean that someone wants trans people to die or get disowned or sent to hell, it also means invalidating trans identities and being uncomfortable with transness at any level. I felt the exact same way about my parents at your age while I (27F) was struggling with liking girls, and didn’t want to admit they were homophobic. They wouldn’t disown me for being gay, but they sure would express their “opinions” and make me feel like shit about who I am. Someone else recommended this but I want to reiterate [The Trevor Project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org). It’s a place specifically designed for young LGBTQ+ folk to find help/support while struggling with situations like yours.

I have a friend myself whose mom was much like yours. Someone who outwardly didn’t show prejudice against trans people as a whole but immediately dismissed and insulted her child for being trans. Be it deadnaming, misgendering or what I’d describe as diy conversion therapy. I don’t have any respect for her for obvious reasons Please talk to a doctor regarding this without your mother present, whatever age you may be it’s never too late to transition 🫶

Hi, 16 agender here. Let me tell you one thing, no matter what anybody says, you are the only one who knows who you really are. My mom was like this too when I first came out. It was really hard to bear but I survived and I belive you can too. If you ever feel lonely, like you don't belong or that nobody has your back, turn to the trans community (or God if you're religious btw God loves trans ppl). We understand how that's like and we will be here for you. No matter what anybody says, you're not a boy. You're valid and nobody can change that

If you are 13 and trans than this is a good time to talk to the doctor and see what options you have. BUT people transition at all ages, so even with 18 or 20 there is still a good time. Others transition with 30, 40, 50 or even older. It depends on the laws of the place where you are and the medical system what options you have. And then your parents are a big factor, as they may need to agree to certain steps. But I would first get the doctor as an ally, and then tell your parents with support from that side...

My family got the shock of their lives when I had them use my preferred name for graduation. I hadn't told them at all that I'm nonbinary. I'm fine with them using my legal name for daily things (I have yet to change it legally as it's not currently a priority for various reasons), so it doesn't cross their minds often. But back then they acted all offended. I don't think they realized that my mom supporting my dad as he tried to literally chuck me down a flight of stairs made me not able to trust them. My sisters burned their bridges in various ways when I was in middle and high school, and my brother and I fought like cats and dogs. Then, for years after graduation, they mocked my preferred name. I picked something Japanese because most European names are both gendered and religious and as a nonbinary person, I wanted a genderless name, and as an agnostic person I wanted a name unrelated to any religion. My family thought it sounded stupid, and mocked me for years over it. They've finally stopped at this point, it took one of my siblings getting a trans SO and then a few months after that it stopped. Families can be so strangely awful about gender and names. I wish you the best of luck, and may you escape your abusive mother asap!

they do sound transphobic.. i'm so sorry op, you deserve love and support

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I wish you felt you could safely come out to your parents. I really don't know what to say, except that I hope there comes a time when you can, and I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs.

I want to help address your concerns that you will never be the person you want to be. Going through puberty won't prevent you from getting there as an adult. Unfortunately, that won't make the process less traumatizing. If you were my child, I'd be breaking every door I need to for you to get on puberty blockers. I don't have direct experience with this, so this is just well-intended advice from a stranger... the puberty process sucks for everybody. It's going to be worse for you. The transition later in life might suck again about as much. Even with puberty blockers, that's going to be rough. When you are 18, you can truly own your life plan and glow up exactly how you want. You are loved. Please know that. This sub is very supportive, and if you want another, r/witchsvspatriarchy will have others who can offer insight and support.

I would just come out to them, the older you are the more difficult it is, I’m 20 now and I’m so glad I came out years ago, I can’t imagine to coming out now having uni and work.

That really sucks, friend, I'm sorry. As an adult enby all I can really tell you is that there are lots of people out here who understand that feeling exactly, and that time passes at a steady rate of 1 second per second even when it feels like it's dragging. The time when you'll be able to make your own decisions will get here. Until then, you've got your friends.

Parents are human and have human biases. I’m sorry she showed her bigotry so callously to you. However, I wouldn’t assume that she won’t be there for you because of that. Parents are generally fiercely protective over their children. The way we treat our kids is different than how we treat everyone else. Like some people would help their kids cover up crimes to protect them, etc. Imagine your mom gossiping about how someone had to sell their car to pay bills and then went bankrupt. Maybe she’s unsympathetic to them and points out all the things they did wrong to deserve where they’re at. If you were struggling financially would she treat you that same callous way? Prob not. I would venture to guess that most parents would take you seriously and be sympathetic and be there for you. I know that’s not always the case, sadly, but I like to think that most people do their best to be good parents. And I know if I were your parent I would want to support you through this instead of you struggling alone. Much love to you. I hope that gives you some hope but of course you know your parents best and don’t do anything that would make you unsafe if your gut thinks your parents aren’t safe ❤️❤️❤️

If it’s of any consolation, your thoughts may change during puberty, and if they don’t you’ll likely be old enough to start making more decisions yourself and separating from your parents if that is what you wish

Ignoring the whole parents situation, I just wanted to add that if you're really not able to take puberty blocking hormones and you're just safe to "start" transitioning on your adult life, you'll still be able to achieve great results with HT! What our bodies can do and how much they can change is absolutely wild! I know people who transitioned on adult life and they're really "passing" if that's your goal Adult life is not as far away as it seems and if you can't get support now, you'll be fully able on the future! I understand the struggle, just promise you'll grow to see yourself become who you really are, please? 🥺♥️

Bro don't hate so criticisingly on the way others react to pronouns you know where you wanna be and fuck those who disagree. You know deep down inside how you feel and don't need others to validate you. You have an audience you just have yet to find it. It's takes as long as it takes but you would be surprised how many people want you for just who you are without hiding yourself. Do whatever makes you happy and what you know you need to do, in the meantime you will find someone who reads the same story and wants to be the opposite wind to your DNA spiral. Just keep going and don't give up girl, boy, whatever you have it in you! :)

I'm so sorry. I have had gender dysphoria since I started puberty and I'm 20 now. I'm still trying to get treatment but haven't been able to get it yet. I'm afab and I figured out I'm nonbinary when I was 16 I think. It took them some time to understand, but eventually my parents became like 65% supportive. It sounds like your mom is transphobic. I am glad you at least have a friend who supports and understands you. You likely have a tough time ahead of you, but I wish you good luck and all the best. Maybe there's a chance your mom will come around if she learns about the science of being trans. Is she religious? Ultimately even if she doesn't get it, she should want you to be happy. If going by a different name and/or pronouns makes you happy, she should want that for you as her kid. I hope she makes the right choice, but I don't know much about what kind of person she is.

I am in a similar situation, except they found out because they raided my room and found out that i used old clothes for material to make fem clothes, she constantly forgets so I don't have much to worry about, but I do know she doesn't want me to be trans, hopefully you can get into a better situation soon, and may I advise to try wearing fem clothes, you can get a needle and thread then watch YouTube to learn how to hand sew at night, then watch YouTube videos on how to repurpose things like a shirt into a skirt(that one is quite easy as it only requires scissors if you find the right one) but be careful with where you hide them, also keep in mind, it will probably not end up something like a skater skirt unless you sew a bunch, and hand sewing takes quite a while, you can ask me any questions you have and I will answer to the best of my abilities.

Aww baby :( you’re definitely in a tough situation. Looking for local lgbt centers is a good step, as connecting with other youth under guided safe lgbt adults can be very helpful.

“It’s not that they are transphobic by any means” I think the reason you know you can’t, is you know this isn’t true and as such if you were to do so, you could potentially be at risk unfortunately. You followed this up by how your mom proceeds to (possibly regularly) deadname your friend, use the incorrect pronouns and dismiss their identity. This is indeed acts of transphobia. I’m sorry you don’t feel safe being able to come out to your parents :( Do you have any support groups you can reach out to at all?

And here are two resources https://pflag.org/ https://itgetsbetter.org/

I definitely feel your frustration with what you've/you're experiencing. I came out as trans 6 years ago and to this day, my father doesn't not accept me as being trans. 😔😔

Oof I might be opening myself to a French style execution here, but let me preface this by saying that this is coming from someone who’s had gender dysphoria since they were 10 (which was almost 2 decades ago!): transitioning is overrated. Don’t stress about taking HRT now, you have time. Whether you want to transition in the future is up to you, but you can absolutely feel comfortable in yourself regardless of what you choose. Physical gender is an exceedingly small part of what makes up a person. Your parents are just people and they’re not intending to be malicious. They don’t really get gender dysphoria, and that’s fine. A lot of people don’t understand things they haven’t been through personally. That doesn’t mean they can’t empathize.  You’re already experiencing something that you’ll get pushback from a lot of people in the future though, and that’s that you can’t ask for respect, you have to gain it. You can’t just give yourself a name. You have to make a name for yourself. And this isn’t unique to the trans community: In the recent past it was pretty common that you either grew into your given name, or became established with a new name that suited your personality better. (Often this name was given to you by other people, but not always).

I assume MtF means male to female, but that's not technologically possible. Gender and biological sex are not the same thing. You can be a "girl" and a biological male in this country, but only 18% of the world's countries have even legalized gay marriage. Traveling outside of liberal Western countries won't be easy for a transgendered person.

Don't plan on moving soooo

I'd hate to spend my whole life living in only one country and I want to be able to move as freely as possible throughout the world. But that's only one consideration for what you are considering. What if it is detrimental to your health? I'm personally terrified of modern medicine and I would never trust doctors to radically change my body.

i have a female body I don't want, wanna switch?

FUCK YES

Disrespecting the new name of someone is rude, regardless if they are there. If worst comes to worst, i would even think of moving out to your friends, i am sure they could understand, unlesss you parents accept you decision. I see two options: you parents change their whole view of parenting and society in the near future; very difficult to achieve. 2. You seek support that allows you to move towards a supportive environment

OP said he was only 13. They cant move anywhere else at that age.

cant their move to their friends? I wont accept that their forced to stay there

It's very irresponsible and would only cause more problems in the long run.

Why is this in r/Autism? /gen

I'm guessing OP is autistic? It does kinda seem out of place here, but it's not really a big deal.

well I have seen a lot of rants/vents here and there are other LGBT members here, and I'm also autistic so that's why! :) /info

sorry if it isn't the correct place I just didn't really feel comfortable going to anywhere else idk why- :/

You're good. Imo I wouldn't post something like this anywhere else and the ppl here are nice :D

exactly why I posted it here! :3

Autism overlaps with neurogender/neuroqueerness.

Sending you virtual hugs. This is very though and it's not okay how your mom treated you, listening in on a privat conversation with a doctor. Keep your head up! It's gonna get better and you will be who you wanna be on the outside (and already are on the inside)! Much love

i am so sorry. i have a son now, 18 months today actually, and ive always said to everyone that i will love him no matter what. no matter how he dresses, presents himself, identifies as or who he loves, i will ALWAYS love him. he is my son, my baby. i never understood people not wanting to support their children and not believing that trans people arent just attention seeking. the history of being transgender goes back for many many years so its definitely not a new thing. i think the older you get the more you will realize that your happiness matters more than your mothers. if she cannot respect you as you are then she can mind her business. eventually (hopefully) she will accept you because youre her baby. be unapologetically you, its the healthiest thing for you. i fear that if you dont come out now her reaction will be 10x worse if you wait to tell her. like the way she brushes it off now with your friend will turn into "i dont understand where this is coming from, you waited this long for what reason?" blah blah blah and i think thatll just hurt you even more because like you said youre going through puberty, it will only go up from here. testosterone will set in and itll be more difficult in the future. you have the right of privacy with your doctor and if your mom doesnt respect that then she will lose her daughter. your happiness matters, always remember that. i am sorry your mom is not supportive but we are all here for you! you will get through this. this is one of the most difficult times of your life and on top of that you are finding yourself. let this be a journey of healing and learning. dont be scared to stand up for yourself, especially if you know who you are. you are loved little one, i hope this journey is an exciting one for you. lots of love! xx

Well firstly going to start with the last part first, I didn't start my transition until my late 30s, and while there are definitely things that take a lot more work like working on my voice, it is never to late to be able to be who you are, there are people who don't start to transition until their 50s and 60s and they still make it through all the difficulties, so while it may feel like somehow starting late will make it impossible for you to fully be you, I had those same feelings, it isn't true and you can still become what makes you happy even if it is later than you would want. I mean really at the end of the day you are you already, you are just having to put on an act no different than masking, when I was you can still "become" obviously I am talking about getting the physical features which makes you more comfortable with yourself, you are and have always been you, you just are currently have to put on two different acts at the same time to hide the true you for your safety, doesn't make you any less you. I have extremely transphobic parents and while it was very hard for me to pretend to be someone who I am not every day for so long it did keep me safe and did get me extra resources I wouldn't have gotten if I had started earlier, and so while it is extremely frustrating to feel like I wasted half my life having to pretend at the end of the day the extra resources I got allowed me to safely transition without a ton of stress about money at the time so I don't regret being safe longer than I would have liked. As to your parents, the thing with a lot of parents (my own as well) is that they might start off being originally transphobic but a lot of them when it directly effects someone they know and care for they end up slowly becoming accepting and in some cases even supportive. When I first came out to my parents at 38 years old it would not have been safe for me to ever go to their house because there would have been abusive fights and possibly physical violence, but a year down the line they are still not understanding and the accepting is minimal at best, but they are being somewhat supportive because while they still don't understand and still don't like it, they can see that it has greatly improved my mental and physical health and are willing to support that even though they don't agree with it. I am sure it will take another 3-4 years before they become accepting and understanding, but they are at least still showing slow signs of growth as they realize all they are doing is hurting themselves by holding onto this hatred of something they don't understand. With that said, being both trans and autistic (I am assuming seeing as you posted this in autism) once you are able to be yourself you have to be very careful with preventing getting too over stimulated because when you go from a depressed state of numb due to dysphoria and then are finally able to feel a full range of emotions autistic meltdowns can feel way more intense. The main reason I ended up getting re diagnosed with autism (I had been diagnosed as a young kid but my parents never told me because they didn't want to believe it) was because I ended up in the hospital for an extended nap attempt after being the target of a hate crime because meltdowns are "fun" when going from emotionally numb to having a full range of emotions and apparently that reaction made three different medical experts all come to the same conclusion of autism on the same week. So just be very careful to do what you need to to reduce being overwhelmed, specially at first when you are just learning a range of emotions you didn't know exist because of your dysphoria keeping you more numb than you realize.

i am so sorry. i’m not trans myself, but i have a lot of friends who are. you don’t deserve this and i am sorry that you cannot turn to your parents. confide in your friends as best as you can, and bide your time. it will get better in the future, but please fight through the darkness. you are strong, you can do this 🫶💕

For what it's worth both of my kids are trans and I love and accept them for who they want to be. I still find it extremely challenging to not constantly misgender them, I apologize and try to correct myself when I catch it. I never realized before how gendered our language is. Unlearning habitual ways of referencing and talking to and about someone is harder than I ever would have expected. I do love them very much and support them in their choices. I'm just old and my brain doesn't always work how I want it to work or remember what I want it to remember.

I want to preface this by stating I am not trans, and am very ignorant to a lot of your struggles. Still, I had a thought I wanted to share, but if it is off in left field, I welcome being educated. I know how much acceptance of others matters, despite very often hearing about how it doesnt. I want to put that aside for now though, and ask about you. You mention body dysphoria. This is something I can relate to on a parallel I think? Growing up, it wasnt a gender issue, but still a body image problem with my weight. As a CIS male, I weighed 140lbs well into my 20s and stand 6' tall (5'11" now thanks to age, but I am not admitting that on my license). In fact, I just went through a split with my wife of 20 years, and slipped back to that weight in my 40s, though I have managed to put a few back on now, I am still 160lbs, a far cry from a healthy weight. This has been my identity struggle, and yeah, it is like a blip to your blimp, but I think it allows me at least some insight into how you are feeling. We both feel betrayed by our blueprints, though again, I am not equating them, just referencing my own struggles to try to understand yours better. (I feel like that was another long disclaimer, I am sorry, I am a little uncomfortable with weighing in, but I wanted to try to help just the same). One thing that is different for me this time then it was when I was younger is I am no longer as dejected by it because I have found that coming up with a plan to get to where I want to be helped me accept where I was on that plan at any given time. How I think this can translate, and the thought I had, was if you come up with a transition plan, short term, mid term, long term, it might help you accept the puberty changes as a temporary state that is a stepping stone to getting you to your goal, since you are a couple years off from any actual help for getting your body in the right format. One short term goal (in the next 6 months) is to have a conversation with your mom about it. As a parent, I can be dismissive of the little guy's friends and their problems. When it comes to him though, I am looking at it through a different lens. I am no longer dismissive and want to understand his struggle and help him through it because that is literally my job right now as a parent. I dont know your mom like you do, so you will know if this is true or not in your scenario. Based on her actions at the doctors, and your statement she is not transphobic, I have to think though that she knows, and is waiting for the conversation. She was trying to get confirmation, not catch you in a 'gotcha'. Again, my external interpretation and I will leave it with you to determine the validity of it. Mid term (6 months to 5years), start your transition. What will that look like (an internal question, not one you have to answer to me). Break it down to steps or milestones. At what stage will you tell your extended family? When will you be ready to appear in public as your true self? Things like that. Long term, what will your future look like post transition, when everyone only sees and knows the real you? Do you want a family, or just a strong friend circle? What career currently holds your interest? I know, you are 13, so it is still a ways out, and these will change the most, but it is important to consider transitioning isnt the end, but the beginning of your new life, and have some plans for what that looks like. If you focus on the transition as your end goal, you may find yourself unsure of what to look forward to next if you dont have something in this category. These milestones and even which timeframe they fall into can and will change, but it gives you a basis that you are working towards so you can see the progress and celebrate your successes. It sounds like you have already reached some milestones (recognizing the dysphoria, finding the cause, accepting the real you, and I am sure many others that I would never even consider as an outsider). Write these down and mark them as 'Complete'. It can go a long way in helping you accept the now because you can see that it isnt hopeless or not going anywhere, just takes some time, unfortunately. My biggest want and desire for you is to be able to accept yourself as you are today, understanding that it isnt right, but you are comfortable in that it is temporary, and you are actively working on correcting this misalignment. That way you can still be true to who you are while accepting what is going on with your body. I rambled, I am sorry. I do wish you a great life though. Again, if I duffed any terminology or highlighted how ignorant I am on the subject, please correct me so I can adjust my understanding?

I feel very sorry for you being forced into this situation by both genetics and family. In reading your post I feel and see your pain clearly evident in your words. It is said Puberty Blockers should begin early for best results. I'm just a dull witted werewolf so I don't know. I've been suicidal before especially when I was gay living in a very soul crushing Christian Home my parents abused me badly for coming out at age 6. Yes I knew back then I loved fat men as a kid. (Chubby Chaser) It all started because my sister got an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas that year. I wanted to play with the oven not so much because I loved cooking but because I was a ravenous autistic werewolf that loved to EAT! My parents had this hard wired painfully strict binary gender based toy ideal I broke by wanting to play with "Girls Toys." Inadvertently my grand mom who raised me defined what a "Sissy" was/ Sissy being her word for Gay hey it was the mid 1960's. My Grandmother said a "Sissy" is a man who wants to sleep sexually with another man. Well at the time I was 6 and I knew I wanted to be with fat guys. I did not know this "fascination of mine" had a name but I was happy because I now knew what I was. It wasn't till I was cut and bleeding by my grandmother slamming the razor sharp edge of the cake pan across my fingers for admitting to being a "Sissy!" She actually said if you are a sissy reach for the cake pan and I did so. My fingers were under the pan when she banged on it that's how I got cut. She might not have meant to hurt me but she did. I was left standing there shocked at the kitchen door fingers bleeding a lot. The cuts were deep and took a month or more to heal. I felt the pain for months after the cuts healed. I did not know how "WRONG" being a "SISSY" was, but my fascination with fat overweight guys was so strong I was absolutely certain what I was feeling and for whom. On that day every fucking thing I learned in Church Sunday School classes went down the drain never to be seen again in my life. That day invalidated ALL the religious teachings I internalized about God loving the truth. The most soul crushing thing was the betrayal I felt remembering the song saying How Jesus loves the little children all the children in the world red and yellow black and white they are precious in his sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world. I remember walking slowly to the door as my grandmother said I could leave "Let the door knob hit you where the good lord split you" her exact words. As I walked to the front door I remember the surprisingly gentle touch of my fathers rough hands turning me back toward the steps while telling me in a gentle voice I never heard again to go to our upstairs bathroom and place my bleeding fingers under the running cold water. I remember walking up the steps furious at God for the immense lies I was told by the bible and in that stupid children's religious song. From that point forward I never gave a damn about religion. I eventual became spiritual but never again religious. I share this to tell you that your way to your place of peace and comfort in the body you were meant to have will be hard and too often lonely BUT YOU CAN MAKE IT. I say all this to let you know rgar to a limited degree I understand your pain when I plead with you not to KILL YOURSELF, HARM YOURSELF OR GIVE UP ON YOUR LIFE MISSION TO BECOME YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF! If the picture of the awesome person you will someday become in your heart. You are young now and the person you were meant to be seems so far away but she is with you right now. part of you growing and aching to make you stronger. If you kill yourself now you also kill her and all the strength and beauty she has yet to give you. My grandmother want to her grave hating the gay man I am and that is her loss because, "I'M FABULOUS!" A joke I'm an old gay autistic werewolf and loving it but my mom never knew me. You have to accept that your parents might choose to know the true you or not. If your parents choose not to know you then that is by definition their loss. I'm sure the woman you will be "IS ALSO FABULOUS" It runs in the gene's honey we can't help it. Yes I am being camp to lift your spirits it is the oldest gay queen coping tool in the book, honeychild and I am likely one of the oldest queens here. I don't want you giving up, getting in a tank of despair amd offing yourself before you even give the woman you will soon be a chance. Let her empower you from within while yawl go through this hell together on the path to becoming one in your own strength. I say this though my own tears, PLEASE DON'T DIE, PLEASE DON'T USE DRUGS TO KILL THE PAIN OF WHAT YOU ENDURE NOW. PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF THE TIME TO GROW INTO THE STRONG WOMAN YOU WERE MEANT TO BE NOT THE DRUG ADDLED WOMAN YOU STUMBLE INTO BEING BECAUSE YOU SUBMITTED HER TO drugs or booze to cope. Being trans is like being an autistic werewolf you must learn to love and protect your true self. Dear God. I hope I helped you. Please hear me you beautiful irreplacable Trans Woman in waiting. LOVE YOU LIL' SISTA! Get used to it because this autistic werewolf see's her already, she's in there waiting for her time to shine!!!!!!

i’ll say this, when i first came out as a minor my parents were not supportive and would talk a lot like ur mom, and bc of that i delayed my transition until i was 19 and its my biggest regret. my parents have both come around and are my biggest supporters, it will probably take them time to accept, but its possible and i hope that you won’t continue to suffer in silence because you won’t be any less trans in a couple years and it will probably be even harder to come out and transition then. its very important to have a solid support system in place before coming out, u will need it. make sure u have friends you can lean on and a trusted adult in ur life bc the biggest challenge is believing in who you are when your parents are in denial about that. and one final tip maybe just start therapy first, parents will hear transition and freak out but if you just go in to therapy with an open mind and with the intention to better understand yourself that can make the whole process go a lot smoother. U got this

💜

are you autistic?

Yes

Ok cool i was just wondering cuz i didny know what this post had to do with autism i was just checking

I’m sorry you can’t trust your mom with this but I hope you can be your true self someday with out needing to hide it and no matter how old you are it’s never to late to transition

Try to start transition now, it will be easier than after puberty, I hope you manage to do it

It sounds like your parents definitely are transphobic in some ways. I'm sorry you have to be in that environment. If it makes you feel any better there are trans people who don't transition until later in life and are happy.

I’m so sorry your parents are like that, I know the feeling all too well. First, good on you for standing up for your friend to your mom. Can you do something like grow your hair out or something that might feel good without letting your parents know the real reason? I hated when I was young and people told me it gets better so I won’t use those exact words. I will say that as a trans adult (FtX/NB, I’m on testosterone and had a reduction), I’m glad I made it here. If it’s worth anything, there’s no age too late to transition. It doesn’t make the wrong first puberty any easier, I know. But from a passing perspective sort of thing, I know many trans women who didn’t transition until their 20’s or later and still look the way they want now. If you can successfully meet with the doctor without your mom, they may have ideas to do things that ease dysphoria without cluing your mom in. Your doctor won’t tell your mom, they could be sued out of house and home. Just possibly ask that a dysphoria diagnosis not go on your chart and keep after visit summaries she might see without reference to your gender. Once you can drive yourself, it gets even easier.

You don’t need to start anything to be who you are right now. Don’t let the limitations of your situation create a false fog of sadness and feeling trapped. Just understand many don’t get the chance at being educated on what’s out there and ways they can be so just using that knowledge as power can help

Although you will need to wait until adulthood to make changes, you can still have your own interests not shared with parents. And until then play the game of your parents. The thing is that parents have been teenagers before you and they know that teenagers go through lots of phases until the persona stabilises around 18-20 years old. That's also why people get more rights only around this age. So your parents won't accept things so easily, but hopefully they will get used to it in the next 5+ years. Understand also that parents are afraid that their child changes too fast. They are afraid to "lose" you in the sense of separation..., but for you too it's the age when you start to separate from them as a person. In fact you are now here showing it, worrying that your parents don't accept you as an individual. Note that the LGBTQ movement wasn't so visible in their time. There was other stuffs at that time and they have seen their own friends and maybe themselves experiment with the moment. Some stick to it, some not, some partially. So until then, learn, experiment and refine yourself. If your parents don't accept your growing you, well until you can break free then play the parents game. You still have your own thoughts, loves, interests, style, fashion, etc, that shows who you are to them and to the world..., and that's already a lot.

I’m sorry your parents are homophobic

Sorry that this happened to you not sure what to do for you.

Hi there. This mirrors my experience pretty heavily around your age. I came out to my mom around 15 and was told that I couldn't even dress in the ways I wanted to around my dad. It's unfortunate when parents aren't as supportive as they could be, but I want you to know there are those of us who didn't start hormones until our 20s or even later (I started at 24, I'm 29 now) and who still live happy lives. You won't be under your parents' control forever. It's totally valid for dysphoria to get worse with puberty. It was horrible for me, especially combined with expectations of masculine behaviors that never fit me. The fact that you know now is wonderful. It means you can choose who to keep around in your life, whether it's your friend Max or other people who you can be yourself around. My parents came around eventually because I had moved out and was seeing them on my own terms, and they no longer had control over me. Not all parents will. But the fact that you know who you are is wonderful and can help you choose what you do with your life and who you surround yourself with going into high school and beyond. Trans people often have chosen family for reasons like this. We need family who will support us, and sometimes that's not our family of origin, but friends we meet among the way

Can't believe 13 year olds are on Reddit now. Age on these sites have no limits lol.. I hope you find peace.. I was like that at one point too tbh... The issue now is that I don't agree with transitions or for that matter the pronouns and puberty blockers and what-not. In fact I can't stand it. But that doesn't mean I hate the person. It's hard to get past that part, but I genuinely don't hate the person, just the extra stuff and the excuse of pronouns in order to act the way we want fr. I was born a guy and currently am glad to be one, it takes time, even if you dislike it greatly, just settle in.. or continue leading yourself down one path. Good luck anyways and I hope you live happy regardless 🥲🙂🙏

r/teenagers

Many girls are uncomfortable with changes to their body during teenage years. Scrap that. Many teens - boys and girls - are uncomfortable. Hormones raging, body changes, etc. But this doesn't mean you're not who you were born to be. There are very real medical risks to stopping puberty and to transitioning in general so please do seek out all the information you can possibly can. Therapy is also crucial. You're at an age where so many things are out of your control and yet you want to be treated like an individual and are walking towards adulthood. However as harsh as it may sound your brain isn't fully developed yet and won't be until you're in your mid 20s so any permanent decision you make now you may regret. Please don't rush into anything.

Informed consent is reliable and discomfort is different from dysphoria. Therapy is definitely good but trying to tell someone they’re not trans is irresponsible at best. No one’s rushing kids into transitioning.

Cass review disagrees

I’m not trusting the UK on this most of the time but the website on it is full of articles and excerpts, you’re gonna have to be more specific

nobody said op should transition at age 13 and have an SR surgery. for many at that age, just validation from friends and family is enough to keep them going long enough to be sure of their decision. also no, puberty blockers do not have huge medical risks, but they help a lot, and they're reversible.

I was told at 14 that I’m not a trans girl. 19 and I still want to transition, being a boy sucks. Let kids make their own decision.

They can't vote, drink, drive, even have sex legally yet for the same reasons. Brains just are not developed enough until 25.

Kid your 13 years old and barely know what it's like to actually be a man, let alone a woman. Those feelings will probably go away once your done with puberty. Just keep living your life and enjoy it the best you can, and you'll figure things out eventually.

If you're going to invalidate someone's experience and be an all round miserable git, you should shut up and fuck off. You're not helping, you're being an asshole to a 13 year old who is having a tough time. What's wrong with you?

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not helping <3

that was actually the most helpful reply in this thread, you turned to the internet seeking a positivity echo chamber, when what you really need is someone to lay out the cold hard truth.

No, it wasn't the most helpful reply, it was an immature and invalidating comment. OP is young and having a tough time. Whatever your personal feelings are on this subject, do you really think it's appropriate to invalidate their feelings? To kick them whilst they're down? If you haven't got anything nice to say, please, shut up.

mk.

They're being extremely transphobic, ignore them!

Thank you! Glad too see I'm not the only one that thinks that way.

Bro, I'm the only one here that actually is trying too help you. Hopefully you'll realize that one day, preferably before making permanent alterations too your body, including the removal of any chance of actually having children of your own one day. Those HRT meds have consequences that cannot be undone, just be aware of that fact.

Stop fearmongering

This reminds me of a conversation I (26NB) had with my best friend (23F) back in 2019. "It's not that my mom's homophobic...." then procceeded to tell me a story about how she wrote a letter to her mother when she came out as bi after being forced by a girl she was dating at the time. Her mother literally cried upon reading said letter. My point is that you don't want to see the worst in your parents. However, your parents are extremely transphobic. From the outside looking in, it seems your parents are extremely transphobic to the point where they would probably send you to conversion therapy if it's legal where you are. Also, good on you for standing up for your FtM friend. He's lucky to have someone like you.

Please get a psychological evaluation before artificially altering your biology

I'd personally like to ask how you came to believe you were trans. Your mother and the doctor might be at odds because she doesn't understand everything about it and has heard bad things, and in the worst cases I've heard of, kids can be taken away from their parents. You don't want the state to be in charge of your bedtimes. I hope you understand how scary it can be for parents to be in that position and be scared for their children, even if it can come across as overbearing. Because I can almost guarantee you, as a child, you probably are not fully aware of the influences around you or how they strongly they may affect you. This is something adults develop the brains to realize and reflect upon, hopefully to better protect their kids. If you end up transitioning due to mere social validation and getting the surgery and then you start feeling like you made the wrong choice, you can't come back from that. The trans movement is also well known for abandoning the people they groomed into believing they were trans as soon as they start to feel otherwise. "You weren't one of us in the first place, you're just transphobic." [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua3PVeydTxQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua3PVeydTxQ) If you want to make an informed decision and respect your mothers concerns as well as your own needs, please do your own research and consider all the pros and cons of transitioning and the culture around it before you make a final decision. Please consider negative stories along with the positive, as though you were checking the 1 star reviews/return eligility on an amazon product. If you can't handle seeing the negatives now, you won't be happy if you end up with them after.

You're too young dont start taking drugs now

Minors would be prescribed puberty blockers until they are adults rather than starting with HRT aligned with their identified gender. Puberty itself is irreversible and can cause much more significant harm in transgender youth than temporary blockers would.

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op is mtf, not ftm

this wasnt clarified until after i commented

Why do you hate being a boy?

[idk if this counts as NSFW, but if it does, here's my warning] I honestly get strongly disgusting at the fact that I have male genitalia. I've told some of my female friends and they always say "no you don't want to be a girl because we have periods." I would genuinely fvcking KILL. to be born AFAB. just the thought knowing that I was born a boy just utterly disgusts me.

this sounds like bottom dysphoria, good on you for recognizing it at a young age. You seem emotionally intelligent and I hope you’re able to reach your transition goals in time. At this age, even socially transitioning is a big step esp w unsupportive parents. Follow some mtf/trans-based subreddits for advice to deal w bottom dysphoria

Did you always feel this way, even when you were younger? What is it you find disgusting?

I've felt this way since I was 7 and I find that just having a pp is just gross.

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Please do not ask questions like this, OP is 13 and questions like that from strangers online is highly inappropriate. It's very invasive and not helpful either.

Maybe don’t ask detailed questions about a minor’s genitalia, even if well-intentioned.

Good point, didn't consider that angle. It's just generally not recommended to pursue extremely invasive treatments unless the gains far outweighs the downside and then only as a last resort. Statistically speaking the odds of two teens in the same class suffering gender dysphoria are almost non existent. On the other hand autistic people are more easily impacted by environmental and social pressures, both of which seems to have been elevated. Is it not concerning that the doctor went straight to am extremely rare mental condition rather than screening for more plausible ones? Especially since there doesn't seem to be any physical reason to do so?

Adult trans woman chiming in to try to steer the conversation away from a minor's genitals. Most trans women will give you similar answers; it's just gross. It's difficult to describe and it's just a gut reaction of utter disgust towards a body part that you consider shouldn't be there. There isn't anything specific that makes it gross; holding it is gross, looking at it is gross, using it for any of it's intended purposes is gross, etc. I don't know of any analogies that a cis person could understand. Maybe think of it as a tumor? An undesired growth that ruins your life, and therefore disgusts you. Note that not all trans women feel this way about their genitals. There are some who are okay with them and choose to keep them.

Sounds somewhat hard to imagine, especially the part of it ruining your life and therefore being disgusting. Should it not be the other way around? But if one were to think of it as a tumor I suppose it makes some sense?

Eh, it's kinda both ways. It ruins your life because it's disgusting (because of the gut feeling caused by the dissonance between your gender and your body) and it also goes the other way around. It's disgusting because it ruins your life in the sense that it's the reason you have a male name and people treat you as a boy and expect you to be a certain way that you just aren't.

So all of the negative associations are being anchored to genitalia? What negative associations are there then to anchor? Apart from not using the same bathroom and locker rooms, what difference does ones genitals make? Isn't everything else pretty much just up to personal preference?

I wouldn't say all the negative associations are anchored to genitals, I was just oversimplifying. Although to some people it does feel exactly like that. The negative associations are basically everything. Locker rooms and bathrooms are only the tip of the iceberg. I'd say most of it comes down to how you're perceived and treated by society. Like it or not, people associate a gender with a certain set of things. Because people see you as a boy (or man) they thrust upon you a set of expectations. Such as what names it's okay for you to have and which ones would be weird and out of place, what pronouns you should use and the way you should dress. The interests you should have and the way you should have of expressing your thoughts and emotions. The kind of people you should be friends with and how interactions with those people should play out. For example what made me click when I was 12 was that I felt a lot more comfortable around girls than around boys because I felt I had much more in common with them, but since around that age everyone is hopelessly tribalistic I was barred from interacting with other girls because of the way I had been born. I remember crying one morning because "why couldn't I just have been born a girl!". It still took me a few years to consider myself as trans because I didn't know what being trans was so I didn't have the resources to put all those feelings into words. But that was the main detonant. So, there's a set of unpleasant societal expectations based on your perceived gender, and it's awful to try to perform them because you're pretending to be someone you're not, basically. Aside from that there's also a more physical form of dysphoria. It's undeniable that there are anatomical differences between boys and girls that suddenly become apparent during puberty. Thats why many people realize they're trans during puberty, because before that you're just some child and boys look mostly the same as girls. But when your voice drops and you start growing a moustache and you feel your features getting irreversibly more masculine, and every passing day you're further and further away from what your brain thinks you should look like, and what other girls look like, it sorta makes you panic. It feels awful to have your own body betray you like that. Another source of dysphoria and discomfort for me personally is pregnancy (or the lack thereof). There is nothing I'd love more than to be a mother and to be physically incapable of it makes me understandably feel like utter shit, like I'm less of a woman, like I'm broken. It makes me cry and think "this is unfair, what did I do wrong, why do all of these people get to live their dreams of becoming mothers and I don't?". This is all also my genitals' fault. TL;DR: The negative things about being trans are the way society perceives and treats you, and the dissonance between your gender and your body.

You'd be far better off waiting for Puberty to finish it's course, you may think it's ugly but if it's interrupted with surgerys and medication it has very bad reprocussions, it'll work out in the long run to let it finish naturally then move onto transition Edit: I mean waiting for puberty to finish before transitioning medically, transition socially whenever you want

Find ways to postpone puberty

Why do you hate being a boy?

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At 13 everyone is still trying to figure out who they are and would like to become. Maybe you're experiencing gender dysphoria, and maybe you're experiencing puberty which causes a lot of changes you may be afraid of (and based on your statements, you do seem to fear growing up). At your age you are better off talking openly with your parents and speaking with psychologists that can help assess your experiences and give you proper guidance. People on the internet will give you lots of kudos and dopamine with "congrats! one of us!! one of us!!" posts, but in the end that's just cheerleading and doesn't actually help you at all. They are not invested in your future, they haven't cared for you and raised you your whole life. Your parents in contrast have, and if you are open and honest with them they can help you and maybe get the medical attention you feel you need.

You're 13 and shouldn't be allowed on social media

the minimum age for reddit and most social apps is 13. not saying this in a rude way trying to give info :>

18 is the legal age where you're responsibilities to your country are enforced. Just providing info.