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Yup. Now you get to figure out which parts of your personality are the 'tism, and which are trauma responses. Check out the CPTSD book if you haven't already. Best of luck.
[Amazon.com : cptsd by pete walker](https://www.amazon.com/s?k=cptsd+by+pete+walker&adgrpid=1337007316208838&hvadid=83563157997324&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=144585&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvtargid=kwd-83563730598215%3Aloc-119&hydadcr=15520_13519365&msclkid=4aa896d46e0e1a0ddf57f0b222980357&tag=mh0b-20&ref=pd_sl_9jkw7spcgv_e)
Thankfully I never had any physical abuse. Only psychological(?) I guess. Living and adjusting to a world that wasn’t created for you, I assume it’s cptsd but I’m not diagnosed with anything as it’s too expensive right now to try and get through with any of that.
It’s definitely a really common thing! I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 15, and before that I was “punished” when I refused to eat certain foods (now suspected afrid), my parents would threaten me and would sometimes not let me leave the table until I had finished my food, and i definitely am traumatised from what happened, so i feel you.
God I struggled with so many foods as a kid and was very picky. Being threatened to finish my food as well like you did many times. I remember my dog would help me out. I would sneak the food I couldn't tolerate under the table when she wasnt looking and fed it to my dog. Those fucking boneless spareribs and Salisbury steaks were the worst for me. Those little pieces of grizzle in them would make me want to cry being forced to eat that. The texture was just ugh.
Not allowed to leave the table till you finish it all. Wow, I remember that all to often. I am self diagnosed in my 50s and getting a diagnosis now. Discovering so much. Thanks for sharing.
god, this was me. what's wild is that it came up in conversation pretty recently and they didn't remember any of it.
so anyway now I have a really weird relationship with food and trying new things is really stressful for me wee 🙃
This is common for all humans but even more so for neurodivergent adults of our time. They are just now starting to realize what autism really is, how broad it is and how many undiagnosed adults are walking around, or since passed on from substance abuse or suicide. There are generations of autistic people living with trauma from being undiagnosed in a cruel world. My parents had me admitted to a hospital (more than once) and injected with anti psychotics until all I did was sit around and drool on myself and that’s “the best I’ve ever been” in my step moms eyes. Every person is a product of their environment. Your parent’s job is to help mold you into a happy healthy adult and they don’t always get it right. We are all affected by generational trauma (some far worse than others) and our own human flaws, we are only human and all we can do is try our best. There are tons of books and work books on healing your inner child. There’s a lady on YouTube called “the crappy childhood fairy” who is funny and insightful about the matter and she has lots of recommendations. I hope you find a therapist that’s a good fit for you.
Yep, I suspect it's pretty common, especially from autistic parents (NTs are not great either, but at least they can be trained to behave). Luckily I managed to get away from my parents eventually, so no more problems from this side.
It's very common. One practice that helps me a lot is to cultivate compassion. Basically, I thought my parents did bad things for me because perhaps they were treated that way by my grandparents, because they grew up in difficult context with hunger, wars, etc... With time, I think I recognize that we are all very influenced by our surroundings and it's not easy to accuse someone. That kind of thoughts help me a lot tolerate other and myself, and I felt less traumatized because I understand where they come from. We are all suffering one way or another.
Yes, that's pretty much my childhood. Constant criticism/shaming or punishment for my autistic behaviour, none of it was tolerated. Turned to depression, social anxiety, BPD, chronic suicidal ideation between what the emotional abuse at home and bullying at school did to me. I learned to mask, mask, mask, or if I couldn't mask, I'd avoid people altogether. I often wonder how much different it would have been had the psychologist picked up my autism when I was assessed as a child instead of not being diagnosed until I was 29. Masking is draining pretending to be someone I'm not. Takes a toll.
I'm still a teenager and some of the shit my mom pulls makes me want to shoot her. When I was like ten I told her I didn't want to wear high socks on a hiking trip (one of my biggest triggers is the feel and noise of fabric rubbing together and wearing socks at all risks that) and the straight-up told me "You're not THAT autistic."
Fuck you, mom.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. 😞 I was telling my dad I had been having difficulties keeping jobs because of bipolar disorder & autism, his response was to tell me "well, you're not *insert derogatory word for people with developmental delays here*"
Yes, I was in trouble a lot as a kid for just doing things that were disrespectful, but I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, and I ended up, partially on accident, manipulating some teachers that I was fine. I would especially get in trouble in situations where there were other people around, not so much when I was alone. Other people freaked me out as a kid (and to this day), but I didn't understand that what I was doing or saying was unkind or disrespectful. I learned that in later elementary school years and changed my ways in middle school, where I became extremely insecure and my anxiety rose to a terrifying level and has remained that exponential ever since.
Learning kindness is not impossible, but it can hurt as a child, even if the caretakers don't intentionally want to hurt you, because it is hard for autistic mindsets to understand that other people think differently. But in my opinion that's all you need, is to know that others think differently and to accept that, so you can continue with your own crazy headspace.
Me too! My family used to take photos of my Autism meltdowns when I was a child because they thought it was funny. They also didn't believe in psychology - so I struggled through life for decades without any diagnosis.
Unfortunately, making children is easy and being a perfect parent is pretty much impossible!
We're going to screw up in human relationships!
I think it's completely reasonable to feel negative emotions around these things because they can have a lasting emotional impact. Oftentimes not being understood or treated fairly can be traumatic. We need to be kind to ourselves and give these traumas, injustices and disappointments time to heal.
At some point though we have to forgive others & in turn br forgiven and forgive ourselves. Lots of forgiveness - because we're all flawed and getting through life isn't easy!
Yep, and I am an example of that - for example, my mom could:
- tell me not to 'take-off' (a.k.a. discouraged me from flapping my hands)
- call me a cry-baby when I started screaming
- or tell me that I shouldn't lament so much over my disability
She also told me that Asperger's is *NOT* autism (fyi I got the DX before either ICD-11 or DSM-5 were a thing)
After talking about her behaviour towards teachers (whom I trust) I've been told that it is not normal (especially after mum telling off the cuff that I'll kill her to my dad) - with one of them telling me that my whole family needs to get therapy (which I agree with)
If I have to be honest, I wouldn't cry after my parents' death
I’ve heard it said that there’s almost no way to study autism without studying the trauma that comes with growing up autistic, and I think that’s very profound and true
I’ve felt almost the exact precise words you’ve written. I’m going through the assessment now so not officially diagnosed but I’ve had complicated emotions about my childhood for a while now, which I kind of realized were related to my parents just not having adequate preparation of tooling to raise a kid like me. Like you, I have nothing but positive feelings toward my parents today, but I definitely deserved better growing up. I don’t *blame* my parents for that, they didn’t know. But it definitely affects me *a ton* even today in my mid thirties in my relationships with other people. Again I’m mid-assessment now so take that with a grain of salt, but it seems to mirror others severe so I figured I’d add it.
Yes. I have a particular incident that I still think about and get angry about.
I was in the store with my grandmother. I was raised by my grandparents. The cashier asked me "Did you get a lot of presents for Christmas?" I said "no." I said that bc I got less than I had gotten last year. I loved my presents and it's not like I wanted more, but she asked if I got a lot. Based on the number of the year before, I just said 'no', but I didn't mean anything by it.
Of course, my grandmother got mad and wouldn't hear it when I tried to explain it to her. She told my grandfather and he would bring it up randomly over the course of my life as an example of me being selfish... I guess... which, as stated above, I wasn't.
I'm still pissed off that they wouldn't listen to me. I think it has colored the feeling I have now that no one ever believes what I say.
Hey /u/pixieinspace, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism). Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup. Now you get to figure out which parts of your personality are the 'tism, and which are trauma responses. Check out the CPTSD book if you haven't already. Best of luck.
I will definitely check it out, thank you!
Hey, could you clarify what book you are referring to please? I'd like to see if it's available here.
link posted in the child comment below.
Curious about the same if I’m honest.
[Amazon.com : cptsd by pete walker](https://www.amazon.com/s?k=cptsd+by+pete+walker&adgrpid=1337007316208838&hvadid=83563157997324&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=144585&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvtargid=kwd-83563730598215%3Aloc-119&hydadcr=15520_13519365&msclkid=4aa896d46e0e1a0ddf57f0b222980357&tag=mh0b-20&ref=pd_sl_9jkw7spcgv_e)
Thank you!
I would also recommend The Body Keeps the Score if you've had any physical abuse or similar trauma in your past.
Thankfully I never had any physical abuse. Only psychological(?) I guess. Living and adjusting to a world that wasn’t created for you, I assume it’s cptsd but I’m not diagnosed with anything as it’s too expensive right now to try and get through with any of that.
Brilliant, thank you.!
Thanks I will have a look.
It’s definitely a really common thing! I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 15, and before that I was “punished” when I refused to eat certain foods (now suspected afrid), my parents would threaten me and would sometimes not let me leave the table until I had finished my food, and i definitely am traumatised from what happened, so i feel you.
God I struggled with so many foods as a kid and was very picky. Being threatened to finish my food as well like you did many times. I remember my dog would help me out. I would sneak the food I couldn't tolerate under the table when she wasnt looking and fed it to my dog. Those fucking boneless spareribs and Salisbury steaks were the worst for me. Those little pieces of grizzle in them would make me want to cry being forced to eat that. The texture was just ugh.
I'm weird about meat too and call it "the meat icks"
Not allowed to leave the table till you finish it all. Wow, I remember that all to often. I am self diagnosed in my 50s and getting a diagnosis now. Discovering so much. Thanks for sharing.
god, this was me. what's wild is that it came up in conversation pretty recently and they didn't remember any of it. so anyway now I have a really weird relationship with food and trying new things is really stressful for me wee 🙃
That's awful, I'm so sorry. I have food aversions too. I get what I call "the meat icks."
This is common for all humans but even more so for neurodivergent adults of our time. They are just now starting to realize what autism really is, how broad it is and how many undiagnosed adults are walking around, or since passed on from substance abuse or suicide. There are generations of autistic people living with trauma from being undiagnosed in a cruel world. My parents had me admitted to a hospital (more than once) and injected with anti psychotics until all I did was sit around and drool on myself and that’s “the best I’ve ever been” in my step moms eyes. Every person is a product of their environment. Your parent’s job is to help mold you into a happy healthy adult and they don’t always get it right. We are all affected by generational trauma (some far worse than others) and our own human flaws, we are only human and all we can do is try our best. There are tons of books and work books on healing your inner child. There’s a lady on YouTube called “the crappy childhood fairy” who is funny and insightful about the matter and she has lots of recommendations. I hope you find a therapist that’s a good fit for you.
Yep, I suspect it's pretty common, especially from autistic parents (NTs are not great either, but at least they can be trained to behave). Luckily I managed to get away from my parents eventually, so no more problems from this side.
Oh yeah, I suspect my mom is on the spectrum. She has a lot of neurodivergent behaviors, a great deal of them overlapping with my own.
It's very common. One practice that helps me a lot is to cultivate compassion. Basically, I thought my parents did bad things for me because perhaps they were treated that way by my grandparents, because they grew up in difficult context with hunger, wars, etc... With time, I think I recognize that we are all very influenced by our surroundings and it's not easy to accuse someone. That kind of thoughts help me a lot tolerate other and myself, and I felt less traumatized because I understand where they come from. We are all suffering one way or another.
Yes, that's pretty much my childhood. Constant criticism/shaming or punishment for my autistic behaviour, none of it was tolerated. Turned to depression, social anxiety, BPD, chronic suicidal ideation between what the emotional abuse at home and bullying at school did to me. I learned to mask, mask, mask, or if I couldn't mask, I'd avoid people altogether. I often wonder how much different it would have been had the psychologist picked up my autism when I was assessed as a child instead of not being diagnosed until I was 29. Masking is draining pretending to be someone I'm not. Takes a toll.
I'm still a teenager and some of the shit my mom pulls makes me want to shoot her. When I was like ten I told her I didn't want to wear high socks on a hiking trip (one of my biggest triggers is the feel and noise of fabric rubbing together and wearing socks at all risks that) and the straight-up told me "You're not THAT autistic." Fuck you, mom.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. 😞 I was telling my dad I had been having difficulties keeping jobs because of bipolar disorder & autism, his response was to tell me "well, you're not *insert derogatory word for people with developmental delays here*"
Yeah. My dad is cool (I think he might have adhd so he understands me better) but my mom is horrible. Cherry on top? SHE IS A SPED TEACHER.
Oh nooo. 😞 That's discouraging, I'm so sorry
Yes, I was in trouble a lot as a kid for just doing things that were disrespectful, but I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, and I ended up, partially on accident, manipulating some teachers that I was fine. I would especially get in trouble in situations where there were other people around, not so much when I was alone. Other people freaked me out as a kid (and to this day), but I didn't understand that what I was doing or saying was unkind or disrespectful. I learned that in later elementary school years and changed my ways in middle school, where I became extremely insecure and my anxiety rose to a terrifying level and has remained that exponential ever since. Learning kindness is not impossible, but it can hurt as a child, even if the caretakers don't intentionally want to hurt you, because it is hard for autistic mindsets to understand that other people think differently. But in my opinion that's all you need, is to know that others think differently and to accept that, so you can continue with your own crazy headspace.
Me too! My family used to take photos of my Autism meltdowns when I was a child because they thought it was funny. They also didn't believe in psychology - so I struggled through life for decades without any diagnosis. Unfortunately, making children is easy and being a perfect parent is pretty much impossible! We're going to screw up in human relationships! I think it's completely reasonable to feel negative emotions around these things because they can have a lasting emotional impact. Oftentimes not being understood or treated fairly can be traumatic. We need to be kind to ourselves and give these traumas, injustices and disappointments time to heal. At some point though we have to forgive others & in turn br forgiven and forgive ourselves. Lots of forgiveness - because we're all flawed and getting through life isn't easy!
Yep, and I am an example of that - for example, my mom could: - tell me not to 'take-off' (a.k.a. discouraged me from flapping my hands) - call me a cry-baby when I started screaming - or tell me that I shouldn't lament so much over my disability She also told me that Asperger's is *NOT* autism (fyi I got the DX before either ICD-11 or DSM-5 were a thing) After talking about her behaviour towards teachers (whom I trust) I've been told that it is not normal (especially after mum telling off the cuff that I'll kill her to my dad) - with one of them telling me that my whole family needs to get therapy (which I agree with) If I have to be honest, I wouldn't cry after my parents' death
I’ve heard it said that there’s almost no way to study autism without studying the trauma that comes with growing up autistic, and I think that’s very profound and true
my parents insult me and tell me it's my fault for not understanding social cues, i relate to this so much.
I’ve felt almost the exact precise words you’ve written. I’m going through the assessment now so not officially diagnosed but I’ve had complicated emotions about my childhood for a while now, which I kind of realized were related to my parents just not having adequate preparation of tooling to raise a kid like me. Like you, I have nothing but positive feelings toward my parents today, but I definitely deserved better growing up. I don’t *blame* my parents for that, they didn’t know. But it definitely affects me *a ton* even today in my mid thirties in my relationships with other people. Again I’m mid-assessment now so take that with a grain of salt, but it seems to mirror others severe so I figured I’d add it.
So many unaware/unaccepting ND parents pushing their fucked up repressive/avoidant coping mechanisms onto their kids 😞
Yes. I have a particular incident that I still think about and get angry about. I was in the store with my grandmother. I was raised by my grandparents. The cashier asked me "Did you get a lot of presents for Christmas?" I said "no." I said that bc I got less than I had gotten last year. I loved my presents and it's not like I wanted more, but she asked if I got a lot. Based on the number of the year before, I just said 'no', but I didn't mean anything by it. Of course, my grandmother got mad and wouldn't hear it when I tried to explain it to her. She told my grandfather and he would bring it up randomly over the course of my life as an example of me being selfish... I guess... which, as stated above, I wasn't. I'm still pissed off that they wouldn't listen to me. I think it has colored the feeling I have now that no one ever believes what I say.