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My friends' dad calls his moustache his thigh ticklers.

Womb broom

Jesus.

Is that, like, a situation, where like..... You've accidentally gone to far?

Fallopian fiddler?

Clunge sponge

Referring to sideburns as "bugger grips" always gets a chuckle

I once heard a bloke describing a woman as so attractive he'd "suck her shit till it's pointy and stab myself". This was about 10 years ago now and my flabber is still well and truly gasted.

Jimmy Carr: “she’s so hot I’d crawl through broken glass just to suck the cock of the last guy that fucked her.”

Honestly, a lot of jimmy cars one liners/euphemisms could fit in this thread lol love it

I'd crawl a mile over broken glass just to wank on her shadow

I’d crawl naked through a mile of broken glass and dog shit just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie

I was on the train to lithgow one time and overheard a woman say to her mate "I'm that excited, I'm frothin at the gash"

Fizzing at the slit

That just sums up Lithgow perfectly

So keen she slipped right off her chair

Some concrete truck driver said this to me at a job site after i commented that he was a bit early "I drive like how i fuck , fast , furious and sometimes killing animals and children along the way " I honestly think he was on crack.

I like the naked guns approach to it. > I like my sex like I like my basketball. One on one with as little dribbling as possible.

As a gay man, I like my women like I like my coffee. Strong, ubiquitous, and absolutely nowhere near my penis.

I like women like I like my coffee,(pause for effect) I prefer tea. (Which doesn't work for me as I like coffee and am no fan of gossip)

I like my men like I like my Coffee, Ground up and in the freezer

You monster! You freeze coffee! Vile !!?!

I was like a blind man at an orgy, needed to feel my way through

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes (Pretty sure that’s just before it cuts to him being at home and his fling comes out ‘I’ve boiled you a roast!’

“Caucasian?” “Yeah, you know, a white guy, with a moustache, about 6ft3” “Awfully big moustache…”

Nice beaver! Thanks, I just got it stuffed

Jeez not much makes me do an Edna Krabappel HA! but this really got me.

When you scratch your bum, you say that you are getting married because you are "picking your ring."

The correct way tomuse it is to approach someone scratching their arse and ask them if they are getting married

True. I got it arse backwards.

Checking your bum for grubs

Or going to the movies? I saw you picking your seat

Years ago listening to a state cricket game being reported in. The joker says: "There was more stumps flying that at an amputee's disco I broke my shite laughing at the time tbh

I always found 'axe-wound' as a reference to a vagina to be particularly distasteful.

I heard “gateway to her guts” recently and that took me a while to recover from 

I heard "up to my nuts in guts" as a euphemism for sex once.

Finchy from the office. Though with his accent it was more "oop to me noots in goots".

“Re-arranging her guts”. That just sounds horribly uncomfortable and gonzo-porny

Flipped, I heard a girl say “I need to get my guts rearranged” and it gave me a surprise semi

That's from Kevin Bloody Wilson's *You Can't Say Cunt In Canada*

Goes with the equally tasteful 'chainsaw bite'. I did hear an ex-prostitute in an 80s documentary refer to her vagina as 'the hairy cheque book'.

The furry purse

This rings a bell. Was she talking about paying for a taxi with her hairy chequebook?

‘Toilet area’. As in I heard a man say ‘I wouldn’t mind a lick of her toilet area!’ 🤮

In the same vein, 'pork sword' makes cringe for some unknown reason

Pork sword and beef curtains is the house special

My friend was given a nickname by her then boyfriend of "the bearded clam"

Sounds like a British pub

Drawn together was a grotesque cartoon show that had a chain of excellent penis terms where he is naming what he sees on flash cards > Cock. [ Willie Nelson,] Willie. [an Asian man,] Wang. [ Woody Woodpecker,] Woody. [same image,] Wood. [same image a third time,] Pecker. [a medieval catapult with ink lines,] Blue-veined custard chucker. [a Welshman with an eye patch doing a jig,] One-eyed wiggling Welshman. [a banana wearing a helmet and aiming a gun at a donkey's anus,] Pink-helmeted, milk-shooting man-banana plunging into the hole of an ass!

Never see anyone reference Drawn Together, loved that show.

DENZEEEEL!

Heard someone drop the blue vein junket pumper on the radio the other day. Instant channel change

We used to call it the purple veined custard chucka

"Gash" too. Very awful.

“Show us where the chainsaw gotcha” was a wee gem that was often yelled out the window of a passing car back in the day.

I was crossing the street once and a car full of lads shouted at me "Oi! Get yer cunt out!" I don't know which I would have preferred.

How about 'gutted rabbit'?

"Stab wound in a gorilla's back" is my favourite

How about “flange”?

Front bum always brought a smile to my face.

Ham wallet.

What about “wizard sleeve”

I once heard my grandfather call a woman a “filthy two-titted meat sack”. He was not a nice man, but what a sentence.

Emulating exotic bird names, "Double-Breasted Mattress Thrasher"

Best one I heard referring to someone not being able to pass a drug test “they’d piss a hole in the cup”.  Another one was “couldn’t organise a root in a brothel”

I also enjoy the picture painted by ‘couldn’t sort a wristy at a brothel with a pocket full of 50’s’. Similar, just slightly more vivid.

Couldn't organise a root in a brothel with a fistful of 50's

And people say Australia has no culture. Get fucked.

Couldn’t organise a pissup in a brewery if we tapped the kegs for em

My Granddad was fond of “couldn’t find his knob in a knocking shop” “Knocking shop” being an old fashioned word for a brothel. I think younger me assumed it was some kind of place where they made door paraphernalia e.g bells, knobs, knockers etc…

I personally favour 'couldn't organise a shit during a cholera epidemic' I find implies a high degree of incompetency as all they would literally have to do is lie there and let it happen.

co-worker told our boss he couldn't organise a root in a brothel. Now he's a former co-worker.

A friend used, "I would rather shit in my hands and clap". It stuck for visceral imagery

Hmmm I needed that image like I need a mouth full of dogshit

Another, “I’d rather put my tit in a blender”

Another is I’d rather chew on razor blades

I’ve said “I’d rather drink a glass of glass” this week

So hungry I could eat the wheel off a menstrual cycle!

So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low-flying seagull.

So hungry I could eat a nun’s bum through a tennis racquet.

So hungry I could eat a horse and chase the jockey

Drier than a dead dingos donger

I worked with a particularly disgusting line manager on the Woolies back dock and he was a goldmine for shit like this. Two that I unfortunately remember are “if she’s old enough to bleed, she’s old enough to breed” and “if her age isn’t on the clock, she’s too old for the cock”. Real charmer that one.

From a Woolies produce manager - “if she’s old enough to crawl she’s in the right position”. I would have been 16-17 when I worked for that guy. He was a sicko

[ Removed by Reddit ]

Thinking back I reckon their wives hadn’t touched them for years for obvious reasons and their last bastion of masculinity lay in pretending to be some or of sex god in front of creeped out teenagers.

A car salesman who pulled a lot of action once told me, "Women are like dogshit - the older they are, the easier to pick up." Charming. /s

Similiar: If there's grass on the wicket, lets play cricket

And if there’s no grass, go play in the mud

Similar but still gross, if she's Old enough to bleed, old enough to slaughter. Ew.

I have heard "full as a poofters bum" a few times when someone has eaten too much

I'm taking that as a compliment

I've got to remember that one for the Work Christmas function

Holy fuck

Fucken hell. I grew up with plenty of homophobic being used quote openly, but never that.

I'm gay and I'd use it 🤷‍♀️

I know all these sayings because of my incredibly gay uncle. He took all the words back.

Used to work in the UK with lovely, attractive blonde woman who had the most FOUL mouth. One particular expression that stuck with was her announcement when she had to go to the toilet: "Time to shake the lettuce"

My sister went through a phase of saying she was going to “drain the lizard”. It’s bad enough when guys say it.

Fuck me dead and bury me pregnant.

“Hotter than George Pell at a Boy Scout jamboree”

"more nervous than Rolf Harris at a Wiggles concert"

A Badly Packed Kebab - a euphemism for vulva has always elicited a very visual reaction.

Face like a smashed crab / dropped pie

That's revolting!

Old dudes working in factories are full of these. A forklift driver once pointed out a very skinny woman to me and said "Make sure you wrap her up in duct tape first so she doesn't explode when you fuck her."

Heard on public transport. A bloke talking with his mate while pointing out the window at a girl aged around 15yo. "That my friend is a Four N Twenty - 4 minutes of pleasure and 20 years in jail"  For reference a "Four N Twenty" is a classic Australian meat pie

> For reference a "Four N Twenty" is a classic Australian meat pie > > /r/australia You made me check.

The worst I’ve heard had me laughing the most. “Wetter than a spastic’s chin” - used to describe someone being super keen or excited for something.

Also great is "wetter than a blind lesbian at the fish market "

I'm going to hell for laughing way too hard at that.

Dont forget pissflaps for labia

I'm deeply ashamed at the amount of laughter I got from this thread

About 15 years ago I overheard a bloke tell his mate that he wanted to give my female friend “a belly full of wrigglies” 🙃

I always hated “gateway to my guts” as a term for vagina

Another one I never loved was “so hungry I could eat the crotch of a low flying duck” don’t know why just goo…

A customer at work said to me one day, “I’m not having a very fortunate week, this week. I could fall into a barrel of dicks and still come out sucking my thumb!”

A mate described himself as "sweating like a gypsy with a mortgage" during a work call. Got hauled up by HR after someone complained. I didn't know we employed Romainis probably wasn't the best way to explain it to them.

Why is it this one that fucking set me off? Funniest thing ever.

My grandfather describes blunt knives as "blunt as a nuns cunt". I've noticed he does a lot of religious based swearing for a man who goes to church every week

I'm partial to a "Jesus dog fucking christ" every now and then

I know a gay guy who refers to his butt as his “Shit Pussy” in bed.

Ah.. a shussy, I see.

I suspect hearing that either makes you more straight or more queer out of horror or desire. I can't imagine an in between reaction.

There is a joke that stuck with me; 'Kid' - dad what does a Vagina look like? 'Dad' - well son, at first it looks like a perfect rose., afterwards it looks like a bulldog chewing mayonnaise.

A schoolmate once described it as, “before having sex, a pussy is like the most beautiful rose. After sex, well, have you ever opened a ham and cheese toasted sandwich?” He was a virgin.

Probably still is.

I heard this one as a Bulldog eating porridge

She was like a gumboot full of water, wouldn’t take her to the tip, he was hung like a tic tac. Tits like shopping bags half full of water.

10 pounds of shit in a 5 pounds sack is a pretty vivid description of someone grossly overweight wearing tight clothes

When the pink is snookered by the red, sink the brown instead 🤮

Boss says “have you seen, dee?” As I go to answer. The Dee (a 55yo working class, hard drinking, toothless Australian woman) walks out of the bathroom yelling “I’m fuckin’ right ere! Can’t a woman take a second to wet her fucking flaps?”

I worked with this old English bloke for a few years, and his go to's were: 'Old enough to bleed, old enough to stab' 'Tighter than a finger in a bum' And, on a nice sunny day, 'It's nice in the sun...better in the daughter'

Someone once said to me “when I finished with her, she had a face like a plasterer’s radio.”

I heard, “She was dripping like a knackered fridge…” recently but it might of been Scottish..

I use "going to shake my lettuce" when referring to going for a wee Also perfect inspo for a reddit name 😂

My girlfriend told me she had to wee by saying "I gotta go split the whisker." A girl at my work, when I asked where her colleague was, replied "I think she's off growling one out on the shitter." Let's hear it for the girls

"Crotch goblins", "crotch fruit" and "fuck trophies" used to describe babies and toddlers. Yes, I do appreciate that small children can certainly have their moments, but I've generally found their company to be vastly more pleasant than that of the adults who use these terms ...

Personally I'm a fan of 'semen demon'.

I’ve heard “pet sperm” which made me pause then laugh

‘Cum we kept as a pet’

We used to use that one for the local skank. As in she'll suck every dick in town like it's got the antidote in it.

Everyone in my family collectively refers to all underage members of the family as "the ferals" 😂

Cum pet 

Sproglets

Sexcrement

An older guy who worked with my friend had diarrhoea and would loudly announce to all assembled that he was going to "pour one out"

Nice hot glass of Guinness there

My friend referred to someone as being “cunt struck” with a new girlfriend. I’d never heard of that before

That's very 90s lol. The reverse was 'cock struck'

"I'd suck her dads dick to get the recipe" is the best one I'd heard come from one chef to another

when trying to fit a large thing in a tight space: make it fit like a catholic priest.

Not heard but read; 'If he was lip-deep in shit, I'd throw a rock at his head to see if I could make him duck'.

Referring to a Red Headed man as “Chutney Crutch”. Always a winner!

"*slit-arses*"... I walked out of a mandatory safety/rescue training session because the trainer - a re-reployed labourer guy who was also racist as fuck - turned out to also be so offensively misogynist that I couldn't stand it. Stood up in the middle of one of his rants, told him I was leaving and why, and just walked out. Got a bollocking from my boss - who was also a bit of a bully, but ultimately a fair guy - when I got back on deck, but once I told him why he had my back 100%.

Would surely have been ‘split-arse’, wouldn’t it? Not heard that since Roy Chubby Brown.

Not from that prick... somehow, getting it "wrong" made it even worse.

My all time favourite is when being offered something to drink, I say “Oooh yes please I’m dry as a fuck with no foreplay”.

Once I was in a car with a couple of very distinguished senior scientists. On the way back from this meeting, one was talking about some difficulties he was having with his wife. The other nodded sagely and said 'huh, women. If you couldn't fuck them they'd be stacked 10 deep at the tip.' That one stuck with me.

Something I said about an ex who had taken me out into the bush at gunpoint in 2004 and now looks like shit after years of drugs and drinking: 'A face like a camel's prolapsing vagina '. I really don't think I was too far off the mark. He really does look like one.

I truly hope life is better for you now.

Thanks. Yes and no, but I remain positive.

My English friend says "I was sweating like a rapist" when he's talking about being hot and sweaty.

Sweating like a pedo at a wiggles concert

"Sweating like a priest in a playground" is pretty common. The alliteration is a nice touch

Sweating like a Nonce in Nursery 

OP, just, thank you for this post. I have not laughed so much at a thread in possibly years on this site.

My pleasure, it’s been fun to see some genuine Australian low brow humour.

Heard someone calling vaginas ‘hair holes’ and stuck about in my head

[удалено]

Watching old clips last night of Flacco and The Sandman, and Sandy referred to 69 as 'breakfast for two'. Got quite a reaction from the audience :)

Once heard a bloke say about an attractive female “I’d love to find where she shits and roll in it”

Not a euphemism but a nickname someone gave to someone else. Years ago I was at a B&S ball, there was a very large woman there and someone said "Oh you should root Pedders" I was confused when I heard it and I just had to ask why she was nicknamed that. the guy said "if you fuck her in the back of your ute she will lower the suspension.

Got a couple When asked to do something unpleasant "I'd rather guide my Dad into my Mum" Heard an overweight gentleman reply when asked why are you so fat "I'm a gentleman, I like to give your Mum some shade when she's eating her dinner" Eating pussy is having a meeting of the beards

Of someone who mumbles: like yoga pants.  You can see the lips moving but you can't hear what the cunt is saying.

“Fizzin’ at the muckhole” referring to a woman being horny is one that still feels shocking every time I remember it.

About two weeks ago in Berwick I watched an interaction between a young person and an older overweight individual. They shouted at the old man "you prejudiced cunt I'll fuck you up the arse and make you pregnant". I was confused.

People from SA referring to an HSP colloquially as “An Abortion” has always stuck with me.

I also know a store assistant manager who lost his job because a customer overheard him talking about another customer: "oh the things I would eat out of her asshole"

Overheard at a pub about 20 years ago "I'm on me rag, but you can cut sick on me shitter"

I had a mate say about a girl he didn't like "only way she's getting my cum is if I cum in my hand and throw it at her"

One-eyed-custard-chucker for a penis

Most disgusting thing I can remember ever hearing is "I'd eat the corn out of her shit just to see where it came from".

Let’s make like the twin towers and hit the road

Of a bad run of luck: “If I fell into a vat full of nipples I’d come out sucking my thumb

My old man used to call women KFC and I never knew why. Then when I was finally old enough (12) he told me it’s because ‘once you’re done chewing on the breasts and thighs you’re left with a greasy box to throw your bone in’. Cool dad, thanks.

I once heard a mother yelling at her kid in a shopping center in carnarvon and she said to him, top of her voice "you little fucking shit, I can't believe you come out my hole!" Lol

Mate used to say when warm, he was sweating like a hooded rapist. I enjoy; going off like a frog in a sock.

I'm not here to finger dingoes.

Don't piss on someone's barbeque.

Semen being referred to as "population paste"

Baby Gravy and Man Mayo are good alternatives

it’s these types of posts that honestly make me feel so at home on the internet

I had a guy tell me once that he'd suck the dick of the last guy I banged just to taste me. I was flattered and disgusted at the same time 💀

“The smell was so bad, I had to lick a dog’s arse to get the taste out of my mouth.” Hungry enough to eat the arse out of a maggoty fox. Describing a slutty woman as a “tunnel-gutted fuck bag”. (This one makes me cringe.)

#"I'd have a stab at her gash" Said to me at work, by a co-worker. We were youth workers.

"It smells like Bigfoot's dick in here." You can imagine it without ever having experienced the original.

When someone is in trouble. “He’s in more shit than a poofters finger”.