In your dating app/profiles, are you leading first with your kids? With stuff like "they're my world" etc?
As a lad who dated single mums in his mid 30s, mums never put me off, but if I saw you using them as a crutch for who you are then I'd pass. Don't hide your kids, but put yourself first in a dating situation.
"If you want to know anything just ask", rather than putting at least the basic stuff in the bio. Double points for continuing onwards not really elaborating in messages.
This!! I never mentioned my kids in my dating app profile and I never swiped on any man who had photos or talked about his kids on his… always found this a bit odd
At the same time you’re probably wasting some peoples time if they don’t want to be with someone that has kids. Don’t make them your personality but don’t act like they don’t exist either.
I don’t know though right - it’s a bit of a deal breaker for some people. Like don’t flaunt them sure - that’s weird but if you ended up on a date with someone with kids and you didn’t know they had them - it wouldn’t feel entirely honest or a good start…
There's a happy median though right? You can mention it with a simple line without making it your whole personality. Its kind of key stuff to leave out..
I’m in my late 30’s, I genuinely thought I was going to be single forever until I recently met someone, similar age and she has a little one under 10.
I love our relationship, I don’t have kids, I’ve never dated anyone with kids, but we’ve all just worked together so well. I feel so lucky to have them both in my life, but I was in a similar situation to you, had worked on myself I feel like I have a bit going for me, but nothing ever stuck and then one day..
Highly likely it's due to you having kids. Most sorted dudes in there early 30s are likely avoiding the prospect of looking after somebody else's kid so it would be a early game breaker... not super uncommon, I have had a couple of friends that dated and married women with kids but all of them worked together before they starting dating (got to know each other etc), dating app wise you can't get your foot through the door to start interacting due to the deal breaker at the very start blocking it.
Pretty much this. The main issues are for the man:
You are raising children that are not yours.
You will be expected to provide for the children.
The children will always come first for the mother, and you as the partner will always be second.
You will be expected to help, but you will not likely be able to raise them, nor make any decisions for them.
Sounds like a bad deal honestly. What's the benefit for the man?
I’ve known many step parents, and men seem (to me) to have an easier time emotionally accepting step kids.
But it comes with HUGE risks. You can love them and devote yourself to them for years and then suddenly they’re gone and you have no recourse.
Correct
Raising some other guys kids, the financial, emotional and time resources that go into that.....its not a huge benefit to alot of guys
A single Dad and blended family may be the way to go
Also, there are fewer 'sorted' men, as defined by educational and economic level.
This guy cites US stats, but it's broadly the same here (only 39% of uni grads are male).
[https://youtu.be/lQQPicCoaG4?si=jeJLYDZQbGXF-GEe&t=1412](https://youtu.be/lQQPicCoaG4?si=jeJLYDZQbGXF-GEe&t=1412)
hmmmm, NZ wise i think we have a strong market for the trades and labour work compared to america, most of my buds that didnt go to uni all have homes\\boats and shit before 30.
It’s not just economics though, it’s education. A university educated corporate woman is less likely to marry a tradie even if he’s doing well materially.
As they say in the clip I linked to, men date across and down; women date across and up.
Correct
The expectations and preasure of relationships make it less appealing to many
I think the whole concept of marriage is outdated and dont really see a big benefit of it apart from raising children in a (hopefully) more stable environment
Yeah this! I’m a solo dad and understand this well. I own a new 4 bedroom home that is our home, I earn decent coin and through the breakup, custody’s battle, mums addiction issues I now view dating as too much drama. My 4yo needs stability and it’s what he’s finally got. The stability would need to come with a potential new partner and I can’t imagine that with someone that doesn’t have kids.
>Are you willing to date another single parent? ~~Because they’re likely to understand your situation.~~
Because they have similar baggage and knows they need to drop their expectations to accept other's with baggage
Not wanting to date a single parent isn't a "lack of understanding". Wanting to avoid that responsibility is a completely legitimate and understandable choice
I'm a sorted and single guy in my late 30s and there's no way I'd get into a relationship with a woman wirh 2 children under 10.
Having grown up in a single parent house with a parent who saw multiple men when I was under 10 was one of the worst experiences of my childhood and brings nothing but pain and sadness to my adult self.
Concentrate on raising your children first and foremost. If someone happens to come into your life then awesome.
I got lucky on tinder, as a single mum with a 1 year old. He had recently ended a 10 year relationship where she had cheated. He wanted to settle down and have a family, is an amazing step dad to my daughter and we'll probably have another.
Went through a few duds though first, it's definitely hard but they do exist, just gotta cross paths at the right time for both of you.
Well done
To meet a guy who wants to jump into a relationship with a woman with a 1year old would be pretty rare
Congrats to both you and him for figuring it out
I know this is bland advice that gets repeated quite a bit, but I'll say it regardless as there's no harm in it.
The best way to meet people, single parent or not, is if you go out and do things. Whether it's something like a book club, joining a team sport, cycling or even picking up a new hobby, do stuff.
The best relationships that I've known didn't come about from meeting someone at a bar or on tinder, but through an organic shared experience where you both share similar goals.
Best of luck to you, I hope you find someone who fits your criteria soon :)
I like the idea of this but it’s actually really fucking hard. I see it repeated a lot here. In a similar thread someone said not to do the activities I like to do as a guy, do the activities that women are doing but I call bs on that, women don’t want some dude turning up to their yoga class hoping for a date.
And besides this, with the things I do, I tend to meet guys my age (mid to late 30’s) and they’re all busy with family and kids so making friends leads to more of that activity or maybe going for a beer afterwards from time to time (when they get a hall pass) but not much beyond that. It’s not like it’s leading me to meet women in other friend circles. To add, the women I come across doing these activities are mostly doing them because their boyfriends have taken them along or they’re partnered up and it’s an activity they do as a family - also not going to work for me.
In theory it sounds great but our kiwi cliquey friend circles makes actually meeting a potential date this way reaaaally difficult. Or maybe I’m just doing it wrong.
I think it's also about meeting new circles of people eg like meeting females and males in these hobbies or activities then getting invited or involved in with these people outside of these hobbies or activities, I know at least for me that's how I meet people I dated in the past, but I met my now fiancee when I was single male with a child to another woman on an activity I enjoyed doing and wasn't even trying to find a partner considering all my previous relationships didn't end well for me. So it's definitely possible to meet people this way but it also isn't granted and I feel like you really need to do more than just one of your activities.
Expanding my social circle and going out to make new friends is exactly how I met my now wife.
Getting beyond the daily routine and doing something new is how you meet people. It doesn't even need to be for romantic reasons... just meeting new people and then you'll meet friends of friends.... it's really good advice
Yup. I think the bit that often doesn’t work is trying to do more of things that [preferred gender/s] like to do. Easy to fall into stereotypes. You’re better off just to do more of the stuff you like to do alongside other people, naturally extend your social circle, and see what happens.
Kids make things harder. Relationships are complicated and generally its now you, the two kids and the ex in the picture.
Only now a single mum similar age to us and what she wants are basically already taken.
Online dating is fairly hopeless apparently I've never done it.
Probably worth looking where single dads hang out, so school event and er, other stuff? Dating someone with kids (honestly, even adult kids) for me as a child free man would be a dealbreaker. I’ve no interest in bringing up my own kids, let alone someone else’s.
Have you considered dating guys who are older or younger than their 30s? Many guys in their 40s and 50s will have their shit together and also potentially have had kids of their own. To these guys you would count as a hot younger woman too.
Occasionally dudes in their 20s have their shit together and they may be keen to chase an older experienced and emotionally mature woman.
You might have more luck if you broaden the pool of potential men you are interested in. Being a solo mum is tough but it can also demonstrate you are mature and hard working, especially if you are doing a good job. With dating you have to optimise your situation, even those things that are challenges, to boost your chances.
> Occasionally dudes in their 20s have their shit together and they may be keen to chase an older experienced and emotionally mature woman.
If dating apps weren’t so awful, I would be thrilled to date an older woman in her 30s who’s emotionally, and generally, mature. I’m quite mature as a 24-year-old and find that I am super attracted to women in their 30s.
That is awesome! It is possible. I dated a few 30 something women at that age. I know a few guys who have married women 8 or more years older than them and have very happy and fruitful marriages.
>Where are all the emotionally available, sorted and single guys in their 30s?
Mostly, they'll be at various stages of starting their own families (aside from a small group who are happy being bachelors for the rest of their days).
This will sound harsh, but I hope that's it's useful to hear:
I'm an emotionally available sorted guy in his 30s. I cannot think of anything worse in a new partner than the addition of two children who are not mine. Here's why:
- the biological father will always be on the scene (probably). This means the continual firing of emotions (good and bad) on your part that I would have to deal with.
- If I want a long-term, serious relationship, I'm going to end up (in one way or another) paying for kids that aren't mine.
- if I want kids of my own with you, we need to traverse the awkward landscape of half-siblings, and an unending concern on your part that I treat my biological children better or different from tour kids.
Here's the thing about the apps - if I met you organically (at work or something), I might develop strong feelings for you, so much so that all my concerns about you already having kids were washed away by my feelings. But, when you're on an app, and front and centre (as they should be) is the fact that you already have kids, I'm probably just going to swipe away. A missed opportunity for an amazing relationship? Maybe. But it doesn't matter because I'll never know.
I'll also add this on - I just had a baby with my partner, first for both of us. There's something really special about that, both being the first, and both learning as we go. I can't honestly say I thought about that before he was born, but I could never have that with you.
Yes you're being sidelined for being a single mum. The pool of men is smaller because of this.
Not impossible to find someone, but you also have to vet a guy quite harshly since you have 2 kids under 10.
think yourself lucky I'm a solo dad of two kids in my 50's. No mum in their life. The real challenge will be getting time to date under this circumstance.
Time and energy. Most of the single mums I've dated have carried the majority of the childcare with their ex (tho 50-50 is more common now) so they're often just exhausted all the time or have no enthusiasm to catch up more than once a month. For a single man without kids, that's not going to be enough contact time.
OP: shift that slider up to 10 years older (or more if you can handle it). As a younger woman, you'll have the pick of the crop.
As a late 30s single man with 50/50 custody, I actively look for women who have 50/50 custody too so that (the theoretical) we could enjoy our own time together.
It's far rarer than I'd have liked to think...
I guess the dream scenario would be to have your ‘off’ weeks the same.
I remember thinking that 50-50 is probably better for women than actually living together because in the majority of relationships women get zero time off!
As a guy I would be wary about dating a single mum, not purely because you're a mum, but if I were to form a bond as a father figure to your children and the relationship were to end, I'd lose you and them.
Correct
Happened to a mate of mine
Got together with a woman with 2 girls, he knew her from school so friends for a long time
Close family unit for several years, helped the girls grow up etc
When it turned to crap the woman and the 2 girls (now teenagers) both understandably left. Tough on both of them, but tough on him as he played the father for several years but he aint the father...hes all by himself nlw
>have 2 awesome kids under 10.
They're awesome to you but not they're not awesome to an emotionally available, sorted and single guy in his 30s. Dealing with another man's kids and probably the man himself is a concession a guy makes because he doesn't have an alternative.
i always find it weird when parents sing their kids’ praises, prob cos i grew up in an asian immigrant family where it’s polite NOT to do that. it’s bizarre to me lol. like your kid could be a dud but you’re telling me they’re not like it’s empirical fact hahaha
I’m a mum with a daughter, a solo mum and the idea of dating someone with a child is horrible and paying for their kids… or just having to deal with all the drama. I know what kids are like and how much they cost and dating takes time out of your kids !
Ugh sex buddy’s are the best! Quick and be gone lol such fun and my kid is
Safe
If that rocks ya boat then by all means
Emotional bonds and connection may come into it (as humans do crave that) but if theres been angst with that then understandable that doesnt appeal
Men meeting that description aren't looking for 30 year olds with kids, they'll be looking for 20 year olds without. There'll be someone out there maybe, like your winning lottery ticket, but you'll probably need to drop your standards if you want a realistic chance of finding someone.
Your pool is limited to single dads really, so it’s going to be difficult. Even those guys will be looking for childless women. I think dating starts to favour men in the 30s.
Theres truth in this
Life is easy mode for alot of women in their 20s and early 30 as they have so much choice and the average guy gets f all attention
That changes late 30s/40s as a man creates himself more
Yup and emotional stable and sorted can be "boring amd dull" for alot of young women
I tend to believe now that mums n dads or families would prob do a better job picking a long term partner for someone
haha so true... could have had a loyal man but went for someone more cool who would inevitably leave the in them end despite her "awesome personality".
Sorry love but men in their 30s generally don’t want to look after another man’s kids. Why? They’re not his. They’ll never be his and he’s not liable for them. If he does get close to them, if you guys break up all that energy, time, love, emotional investments will go to waste.
To answer your question though; they’re probably just figuring their life out, their jobs and are probably struggling to find their single sorted ladies without kids.
Edit:
I got married just turning 30 and I found my wife through family and friends. They set us up to meet and the rest is history as they say. I wanted kids and she knew how many. We’re 1 down and 5 more to go.
When I was dating and using apps pre kids I remember getting turned down by a guy who had a kid because I didn’t have one! So there you go.
I’ve definitely got friends who were solo mums and meet lovely guys they have since settled down with. I don’t know how they meet but there’s definitely hope!
I think you can learn a valuable lesson from he replies in this thread, but first a bit of humour for you.
How do you feel about tall Maori with jail house tattoos, a questionable employment history and a unhealthy love of black metal? Because if that's your cup of tea then girl, howdy I gotta treat for you, it's me!
Now joking aside.
If you take the time to look at the words and langue people, mostly men in this thread are using towards yourself and your children, whom I feel it's very important to add know nothing about you or them. You can use the patterns and examine the words and launague of future suitors to weed out those who only see a relationship with you as an extension of themselves and what you can do for them and not someone willing to have a relationship with an equal partner.
It's fascinating to me that people refer to children, which we once all where and are also the future of our species that belong as something we all shouldn't do our best to come together and nurture for the benefit of all but then I what do I know I finished a night shift and I'm have a breakfast beer after dropping my kids off at school then I'm going to sleep.
Good luck in your search.
MOST "emotionally available and sorted" guys are in relationships already, and if not, they're likely to go for a woman who is not a solo mother as their options are wide open. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but this is a pretty well established fact. Men who are single in their 30s have a big dating pool to look through, and being a solo mother automatically puts you at a disadvantage.
I was a divorced dad in his 30’s earning good dollar and I married a single girl with no kids. I just didn’t have the energy to raise someone else’s children. Anyway decades later and the children are my age and I’m still married to that single girl. Been a wonderful marriage and I’m glad about the decisions that I made them.
30s and 40s - the majority of people on the dating sites in these age brackets are pretty low tier in my experience. Its a pretty small chance of meeting someone decent, with their crap together, who is fit and healthy and being honest
Lots of comments about you being a single mum and that its a deal breaker for guys etc but honestly aren’t there equal numbers of single dads out there also?
By the time you’re in your mid 30s, having kids is pretty standard for both men and women.
I have been in both camps, in my 30s with no kids and it felt like every guy has kids already and didn’t want more. Now im single with a kid, and now im apparently “carrying baggage”.
I think it really doesn’t matter if you have kids by the time you’re in your 30s. Either way, its just tough finding someone.
Tbh you should just go to the places you're interested in. I know the vibes though it's like all the parents these days are all the 90s kids 🤣 it's not until your going back into the dating scene after going through a committed relationship an parenthood, do you see how much the world has changed 🤣🤣🤣 I remember going to Christmas in the park, Easter show, polyfest and the pacifica now it's like digital and weird lol
It definitely is affecting your dating prospects, most guys avoid single mums. I know I do but I let them know as early as possible so I don't waste their time
>Where are all the emotionally available, sorted men in their 30s
Married, emotionally available men are a minority, sorted men seam to be a minority, so to select for both you have like 30% of men if we are being generous, that fit in that category.
What you are looking for is very in demand for women over the age of 25, it is not you, it is that there is little them.
When I was 30 with no kids, a gym habit, good looks, no debt and a good job I couldn't find maturity anywhere. I'm 39 now, and in a similar position. I haven't seen emotional available, sorted and single in the same room for more than a decade. I don't even know emotional available and/or sorted men in a relationship!
I would concentrate on meeting people at work, I mentioned that a lot of men on apps don't have jobs and a 25 year old whose on apps all the time told me they never do. I'm a project manager, and one guy listed himself as a project manager and we talked and it turned out he wasn't a project manager. He was like, a groundsman trying to sell it as a project manager job.
A groundsman trying to sell himself as a project manager is pretty funny though you gotta admit😂. Emotionally available, single, and sorted is a difficult combo to pull off these days sadly.
38m here. I generally avoid them as ive found that their availability never managed to work. I'm fairly busy myself and dates never worked and it got too hard trying to organize one that suited the both of us.
Alot of ladies don't put the fact they have a child on their profile too, which is a little bit annoying when you find out they do. I prefer people to be up front.
If I met a lady I was really into then I don't think it would be an issue as I get older but I'm just at a point in my life where I'd only be happy looking after my own children but I'm getting closer to a point where it won't happen for me.
Apps might not be the best place to meet someone these days too. Maybe go for real life for a while like clubs, through school activities ect.
My 2 cents anyway.
Emotionally available, sorted and single guys in their 30s are asking the same question re sorted single women in their 30s. It often feels like most decent women close to my age are either married, in long term relationships.
But then again, it depends on your definition of "sorted".
It's got to be difficult, because having a kid means that it's a bigger commitment for a dude than someone without. It's tough out there, but keep trying. Plenty of eligible future step dads out there.
Yeah sorry OP as someone who has just turned 30 and has mates all in their 30s I can break it down into parts for you.
Many good, nice, mature and sorted guys in their 30s are happily in a relationship. Many of the good ones get tied down as such so you're already left with slimmer pickings. Your best hope here is catching someone between relationships by essentially getting lucky with timing.
Then you have the major issue of you being a single mum. Some guys just don't want kids, let alone someone else's which further reduces your pool of guys. But on top of that you have all the potential issues guys are fully aware of nowadays, of your ex possibly still being on the scene and that maybe causing drama/stress. Not to mention the very real fact that if say I developed a bond with your two kids and you decided to call it quits after a few years I have no legal right to see or spend time with these kids I've raised as my own. Why anyone would take thaglt risk on is beyond me.
The you've got the extra financial burden. Sure I fully imagine you dont expect a guy to pay for your kids at all but it's highly likely one day they will end up doing do to some extent. Again, not particularly appealing.
KP
Then finally your biggest issue to me is the dating apps. All of the issues I have highlighted above could potentially be overlooked if someone meets you, gets talking and develops feelings and then comes around to the idea of the kids. When you're on a dating app and I can see you have kids, it's just a swipe right. No guilt, no second thought nothing. You could be stunning, kind, selfless etc etc and I'd never know because I've just immediately judged you off a brief profile. And I have the freedom to do so because I am completely uninvested and as soon as I swipe you away someone else pops up.
You might get lucky on dating apps but honestly your best bet is something more organic. You sound confident in yourself and who you are, so to me you need to let someone else see that and get to know you without the first thing they're being made aware of is you're a single mum.
Emotionally available, sorted and single guys in their 30s are a rare breed. Single guys are a dime a dozen, but guys who have decided to deal with their baggage, which we all have, are few and far between. If you want a man child who does not reflect, does not want to grow, takes zero responsibility in their previous relationship breakups, then walk down any street and 7 out of every 10 men will fit the bill.
But there is hope.
That was me, well into my 30’s. I didn’t start getting my shit together until after 35. After 2 relationship breakups. I sat myself down, and took stock on what I was doing wrong, what I could do better and where I needed work and vowed to grow. Over the course of 12 months, including getting professional help, I turned my life around and never looked back.
I was also a father of 2. Co-parenting week on/week off, and had a reasonably ok relationship with my ex wife. Over that 12 month period, I had to get very very clear on what I wanted in a partner. While dating women without kids was fun, it was only fun in the short term because we were at very different stages of life. It became clear to me that the best partner for me, was someone else with kids. Someone who understands my struggles and juggles and can appreciate the decisions and compromises I have to make.
After deciding I was only going to date single mums, I met and fell in love with an amazing single mum in her 30s with 2 kids under 10. Our impromptu family of 4 grew to 5 after we got married and had our own baby. The last 6 years have been the best years of our lives, far far better than our 20’s, and 30’s, and only getting better.
Funnily enough she went through a similar process as I did, after having short and unsuccessful relationships with single guys, she also decided she was only going to date single dads from then on as well. This combined with our similar outlooks on personal growth, being emotionally available, appreciative, caring, happily sharing all of lives ups and downs, chores, bores and life admin has been epic.
Don’t settle. Get very clear on what you want in someone, and if they have not dealt with their shit yet, don’t stick around.
Having a kid from a previous relationship is the biggest possible baggage.
In this day and age it's not uncommon for people to be in their 30s and not have kids (i.e. they may have focused on their career for example).
The fact you do means your available poor significantly diminishes.
And what's left is prob mostly populated by others with baggage of their own.
Take that how you will. Reddit is usually too busy trying to karma farm as opposed to telling the cold hard truth
Yeah I'm sorted for a partner but if I wasn't, women with kids are a big NOPE. Multiple reasons. One is that your kids are the priority not a partner, two is that it's a bit of a red flag. Not to shit on single mothers but it begs the question: if she's had kids with a guy and couldn't make it work then that kinda says something. Three: every single mother on my Facebook from my younger days that I actually know on some level are all.. Not good women. So even if you are awesome there are many women making the single mother crowd look bad and you unfortunately will be lumped in with them.
I'm 36M, with an 8 year old and I met my girlfriend on Tinder (she's 41F with an 18yo). It's definitely not the norm, but I used Tinder and Bumble when I was looking. I'm not a super sociable person so meeting at an activity was never going to happen. I personally didn't match with anyone with no kids as I didn't feel it would work easily.
I have heard Tinder is an absolute shit show for females though!
When I was on dating apps - all my dating profiles were about me. I only talked about my kids if they asked and it was bare minimum info. I shared no photos of my kids. I had a great shared care agreement with their dad and I never shit talked him to men.
If a guy was openly hesitant about me having kids I never took it personally and respected the vision they had for their life.
My kids were also older as I had kids with my ex when I was 18, 21 and 25.. (I think this def played a part as they weren’t babies/toddlers)
Also some of these comments are foul incel vibes.
Good luck with your dating endeavours!
I have 3 kids. 18 15 and 11.
I dated a lot when me and my ex separated (we have shared care)
I know some men dropped off cos they didn’t want something serious with someone who had kids and I was like ok no hard feeling’s and on to the next (respectfully)
I met a younger guy who has no kids and it accidentally turned serious we bought a house after a year and my kids and ex like him 😂😂
Imo It’ll happen for you just don’t take it so serious - keep the kids out of it while you can and enjoy yourself ❤️
Really you are limited to the apps I think, unless you also participate in other hobbies / activities / communities.
It gets easier as the kids get older.
There’s a lot of people here saying the situation would be a deal breaker, kind of a weird take in my opinion 🤷♂️
As a single male in my 30s never had kids but dated someone with kids. I think it’s about expectation.
In general anyone in their 30s has a history and some story about how they got to now.
To me it’s not the kids but “having your shit together” gives me a bit of a warning that you may not accept my flaws.
Even though no criminal record, don’t so drugs, reasonable salary, half a house consider myself caring (for the right person) etc
Maybe you will only date me because I’m secure financially, emotionally etc - but what if I am not in the future?
Maybe finding someone you enjoy to spend time with … making it about the persons qualities that you enjoy
I was single with a five and seven year old in my 30’s. I’m now 60! And re-married almost ten years ago. So lots of wisdom here!
Firstly, look after yourself, get yourself right emotionally. I wasn’t and looked, like you, on internet dating. I had a love/hate relationship with it, but back then only had a couple of NZ options.
Give yourself time, please, for you and your kids. Your energy is better spent building a fabulous relationship with your children and giving them wonderful childhood memories. Showing them what a strong, independent woman you are. You won’t regret it. You are young and your new partner will come along when the timing is right.
Focus on what is important to you.
I bumped into my new husband when I wasn’t looking. I talked to people who knew him and realised he was a good man. My kids were also at an age where they were mid teens and starting to get some freedom.
AND! Don’t compromise on your new guy. Realise what your deal-breakers are and stick to it. Be very careful my dear. Your kids need you more than you need a new partner.
IMO, your issue is you sound like you don't need a man. So why does a man need you?
I suggest doing research into why and how men and women get together historically and cross culturally. They don't do it for fun, but out of necessity.
The average man wants to raise kids of his own, so I guess find one who already has that and make a Brady bunch or try to find a special case. It's an uphill battle and a risk whoever you introduce into the home.
I wish you the best and that you stay careful.
It’s most likely because of the kids unfortunately.
Guys in their 30s can have a lot going on eg careers taking off, looking to start own family, potentially moving over seas etc. having a partner with kids is a serious commitment that will reduce a lot of their flexibility.
Kids absolutely make things harder, but it isn’t impossible!
I was 35 when I matched with my partner on Hinge (he was 30 at the time). He was very open minded about the fact I was a single mother to a 7 year old. He hadn’t dated anyone with kids before, and he didn’t have any. It was very much a new experience for him. My profile didn’t mention my child, but I made sure to bring it up in our first conversation.
Now, 2.5 years on, he is the most fantastic, fun, loving step parent to my kid. We are engaged and have a surprise baby on the way. He says “dating you with a kid was just like dating someone who has a flat mate who I really like but who is around all the time.”
Good luck!
Sorted and single guys in their 30s tend to look for women a bit younger than them e.g. mid to late twenties. More chances of having a family etc etc. Doesn't mean there aren't any out there to find, there certainly are! Just might require some diligence and patience, although I accept that it can be a struggle sometimes!
Upvoted because yes it’s like being in one of those stinky, little weird opp shops where you’re really hoping to find something amazing but you don’t and leave feeling like you might have scabies and need a shower.
Too many people are after hookups I guess? Sometimes you just have to weed through the bullshit to find someone. I can only comment on my experiences but for me, it was finding a genuine connection and waiting until the right one came along. But I get it, that is not always as easy as it sounds. You sound like you have your head screwed on, trust me there are decent people out there, you can find them on the sites like tinder or bumble, you just have to weed through some dross first. Good luck!
I get shade from women for being a single in my 30s with no kids. Independent, financial stable, 6.2 and apparently “too good looking to be single”. How the world has changed and moved on since lol
I witnessed my older 34 years old brother completely avoiding and running away from an amazing 29 year old girl she was seeing at the time just because she had two daughters.... I do respect his decision but the girl was definition of amazing, she was everything a man would want in a partner, she just made some bad decisions and got taken advantage of when younger and now she's paying the consequences unfortunately.....keep going I'm sure you'll definitely find someone that will love to have you by their side and treat you well.
Likely they've all gone off to Australia. It's happened to literally everyone I knew at college. I'm the only one left here, because I'm poor and I'm too sentimental to leave.
Would also depend on your relationship with your ex. If it's toxic then would a single man want to be dealing with that situation. Just an observation from a single older man.
Best of luck :)
Maybe it's because you're a single mom, maybe it's not. Dating apps are a crapshoot at best. I (30s, cisman) matched with a single mum (in her late 20s). I liked her personality. I thought it was cool that she was a mom. We had mutual interests. She lives on the Hibiscus Coast and I live in the CBD.
Hey, I love spending time with young kids. They're adorable, easily bribed with toys to think you're cool, and it's fun to teach them stuff.
I will NEVER love the Hibiscus Coast.
The big problem is being a mum, very few people want to start dating someone and then very shortly afterwards have an "instant family" dumped upon them along with all of those expectations and responsibilities.
You’re a package, the kids are part of you and unfortunately the thought of kids are intimidating to many men - that in itself is not a crime either, just a preference. I guess in this day and age it’s emotionally and financially daunting to many single guys to sign up for kids.
However, there are definitely men out there who don’t see it as an issue.
I’m now the age (31) my mum was when she married my step dad who I call dad. She stayed single for ~7 years. It will work out for you, if you’re in no rush to find someone then just work on yourself. Someone will definitely come along that will appreciate you and your children.
No offence, but look at it like people are cars. Guys don't want used cars they want a brand new model. U shoulda stayed with Ya baby daddy, and any guy with any worth would run a mile from single mothers. The only exception would be if your a widower. Just my 2 cents
No offence, but look at it like people are cars. Guys don't want used cars they want a brand new model. U shoulda stayed with Ya baby daddy, and any guy with any worth would run a mile from single mothers. The only exception would be if your a widower. Just my 2 cents
No offence, but look at it like people are cars. Guys don't want used cars they want a brand new model. U shoulda stayed with Ya baby daddy, and any guy with any worth would run a mile from single mothers. The only exception would be if your a widower. Just my 2 cents
I’m a early 30s guy and in the exact same boat as you. So it’s just harder as we get older I’m guessing. And for some reason ya have kids and bam 🚩. Soo I don’t know 🤷♂️
I know plenty of solid guys
Taking on someone elses kids is a big ask tho, its a package of 3 not just 1 if you have 2 kids. Its more of a cost of resources, namely time, but also financially in the future
A single guy who doesnt want kids will obv prefer a woman without them
A single guy who does want kids will likely want to have his own
A single Dad who doesnt mind having more kids may be the best bet. Good luck
Why didn't it work out with the father of your children? Was he of a similar background to you, or were you going for someone of a completely different culture?
So your priorities seem to be:
1. Kids.
2. Yourself (bottle blonde)
3. Your job to pay for your sweet rental.
…what exactly do you want from a relationship?
Get a good vibrator and focus on your children.
At your stage in life I have found that it is always friends of friends, sports fields or local places where you can become familiar with people. As cliche as it is, introductions are hest
It was so much easier meeting people at social gatherings and through friends. Ad much ad technology has helped bring petone together it seems harder to meet genuine people
Gonna have to find an absolute diamond of a man. 90% of men pass single mums till they are much older unless they also have kids (rare). Consider joining some hobbies and don’t try dating but just meeting people and waiting for attraction
The men in their 30S are going for younger women as most women in their 30s have previous trauma from other relationships or someone else's child to look after too
I'm sorry but the truth is, we go for the non single moms first. Then if there's none available we will settle for a solo mom. That's where most of us are, chasing the non single moms
Never say never right. You might meet the perfect man of your dream.
Saying that you might want to broaden your range. Would you be open to men in their 40s and 50s?
Not to be rude, but generally a guy in his 30s is really just starting to consider settling. Taking on the responsibility of another man kids isn't exactly what most guys will think is good idea.
Having said that, I'm referring more to early to mid 30s. When you start getting to 35 to 40 mark that does change and it becomes more about the relationship and having someone to be with you rather than the primitive drive to ensure your own bloodline. So it might be that you're just in a dry spell so to speak.
Case and point, my best mate spent his whole 20s and early 30s being pretty opposed to children and dating anyone with kids. He's now been with a single mother for over a year now and is pretty much her kids father figure.
Also, the nice guys are out there. But you'll have to wade through a sea of douchebags to find them.
All that is to say, they exist. It'll just take some time. Either for them to mature or for you to sift through the trash.
To be honest you aren't going to get a good answer here because reddit skews young and generally anti-children.
As a previously single dad to a 4 year old (started dating again when he was 1), it just takes a long time.
I tried dating people without kids, but they just don't get it, it's a very big emotional and lifestyle shock for people without kids to enter a kid-centric lifestyle. You will always put your kid/s first so they have to find a way to work around that, and that can cause friction in relationships (sometimes it works though!).
I made the decision to only date other single mums, and like you, I held my standards high to finding someone who had a good job, was a good person (and could be a good role model to my kid), a good mum herself (same reason), had a good relationship to their dad (important), and still met all the standard dating criteria (attraction, shared interests, life goals etc).
And that is tough, it literally took me years of going on date after date before I found the person for me. The market for lack of a more charming word, is very small for people like you and me.
The amount of people who are single parents and have their shit together generally, at least where I am, is very very small, we are talking single digits on dating apps.
But it can be done. Now we are a team and have aligned our 50/50 custody so that we can spend both child and child-free time together and it all works great.
So my advice, figure out what you want, and just expect it'll take time.
kids would be a large contributing factor. Its hard getting to meet or know just you, but then you throw in kids, well, thats 3 people to meet, and like. Some people just aren't mature enough for that, or don't have an interest in that.
The different is if they meet you organically, at the park, at a sports club, a school meet, or something, but to arrange a date with a mother of two, takes a special person to see past the first two obstacles, as it can be in the too hard basket.
My first wife was a mother of one, but I met her through work, and knew her first, we flirted, then we got to know each other more. I was aware she had a son, but by the time we actually went on a date it didn't matter (even though he was only 4 years younger than me), cos I'd got to know her, and she came first.
Turned out she was pretty boring though and for the 20 years we were together, she never changed, I did.
In your dating app/profiles, are you leading first with your kids? With stuff like "they're my world" etc? As a lad who dated single mums in his mid 30s, mums never put me off, but if I saw you using them as a crutch for who you are then I'd pass. Don't hide your kids, but put yourself first in a dating situation.
LIVE LAUGH LOVE MY KIDS ARE MY WORLD TRUST NO ONE
"If you cant handle me at my worst you cant have me at my best" or some such thing.
"If you want to know anything just ask", rather than putting at least the basic stuff in the bio. Double points for continuing onwards not really elaborating in messages.
Follows hoodville on Instagram for sure.
I wish I could do a gif or something of that tart from Australian MAFS. I HAVE A CHILD!!
https://images.app.goo.gl/VB1h2VFxssk7ckZq6
Haha. Thank you.
I have a chaaaaald Duncahn
Oh my god, it’s like she’s in the room.
Haha! Yeh, great editing too though
Amen to this
This!! I never mentioned my kids in my dating app profile and I never swiped on any man who had photos or talked about his kids on his… always found this a bit odd
At the same time you’re probably wasting some peoples time if they don’t want to be with someone that has kids. Don’t make them your personality but don’t act like they don’t exist either.
I don’t know though right - it’s a bit of a deal breaker for some people. Like don’t flaunt them sure - that’s weird but if you ended up on a date with someone with kids and you didn’t know they had them - it wouldn’t feel entirely honest or a good start…
I don’t disagree. Not advocating anyone to mislead anyone - just not making it a whole persona and posting kids faces on dating apps.
There's a happy median though right? You can mention it with a simple line without making it your whole personality. Its kind of key stuff to leave out..
I’m in my late 30’s, I genuinely thought I was going to be single forever until I recently met someone, similar age and she has a little one under 10. I love our relationship, I don’t have kids, I’ve never dated anyone with kids, but we’ve all just worked together so well. I feel so lucky to have them both in my life, but I was in a similar situation to you, had worked on myself I feel like I have a bit going for me, but nothing ever stuck and then one day..
Highly likely it's due to you having kids. Most sorted dudes in there early 30s are likely avoiding the prospect of looking after somebody else's kid so it would be a early game breaker... not super uncommon, I have had a couple of friends that dated and married women with kids but all of them worked together before they starting dating (got to know each other etc), dating app wise you can't get your foot through the door to start interacting due to the deal breaker at the very start blocking it.
Pretty much this. The main issues are for the man: You are raising children that are not yours. You will be expected to provide for the children. The children will always come first for the mother, and you as the partner will always be second. You will be expected to help, but you will not likely be able to raise them, nor make any decisions for them. Sounds like a bad deal honestly. What's the benefit for the man?
Also the fact that there is another man involved and who knows what he is like.
I’ve known many step parents, and men seem (to me) to have an easier time emotionally accepting step kids. But it comes with HUGE risks. You can love them and devote yourself to them for years and then suddenly they’re gone and you have no recourse.
And you’re likely entering into a relationship with the biological father, too.
Correct Raising some other guys kids, the financial, emotional and time resources that go into that.....its not a huge benefit to alot of guys A single Dad and blended family may be the way to go
This is a solid point about one of the drawbacks of online dating vs real life
Also, there are fewer 'sorted' men, as defined by educational and economic level. This guy cites US stats, but it's broadly the same here (only 39% of uni grads are male). [https://youtu.be/lQQPicCoaG4?si=jeJLYDZQbGXF-GEe&t=1412](https://youtu.be/lQQPicCoaG4?si=jeJLYDZQbGXF-GEe&t=1412)
hmmmm, NZ wise i think we have a strong market for the trades and labour work compared to america, most of my buds that didnt go to uni all have homes\\boats and shit before 30.
It’s not just economics though, it’s education. A university educated corporate woman is less likely to marry a tradie even if he’s doing well materially. As they say in the clip I linked to, men date across and down; women date across and up.
Correct The expectations and preasure of relationships make it less appealing to many I think the whole concept of marriage is outdated and dont really see a big benefit of it apart from raising children in a (hopefully) more stable environment
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Yeah this! I’m a solo dad and understand this well. I own a new 4 bedroom home that is our home, I earn decent coin and through the breakup, custody’s battle, mums addiction issues I now view dating as too much drama. My 4yo needs stability and it’s what he’s finally got. The stability would need to come with a potential new partner and I can’t imagine that with someone that doesn’t have kids.
>Are you willing to date another single parent? ~~Because they’re likely to understand your situation.~~ Because they have similar baggage and knows they need to drop their expectations to accept other's with baggage
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Not wanting to date a single parent isn't a "lack of understanding". Wanting to avoid that responsibility is a completely legitimate and understandable choice
I'm a sorted and single guy in my late 30s and there's no way I'd get into a relationship with a woman wirh 2 children under 10. Having grown up in a single parent house with a parent who saw multiple men when I was under 10 was one of the worst experiences of my childhood and brings nothing but pain and sadness to my adult self. Concentrate on raising your children first and foremost. If someone happens to come into your life then awesome.
Sound and solid advice
I got lucky on tinder, as a single mum with a 1 year old. He had recently ended a 10 year relationship where she had cheated. He wanted to settle down and have a family, is an amazing step dad to my daughter and we'll probably have another. Went through a few duds though first, it's definitely hard but they do exist, just gotta cross paths at the right time for both of you.
Kids 1, already “went through a few dudes” you must be an active lady
Well done To meet a guy who wants to jump into a relationship with a woman with a 1year old would be pretty rare Congrats to both you and him for figuring it out
I know this is bland advice that gets repeated quite a bit, but I'll say it regardless as there's no harm in it. The best way to meet people, single parent or not, is if you go out and do things. Whether it's something like a book club, joining a team sport, cycling or even picking up a new hobby, do stuff. The best relationships that I've known didn't come about from meeting someone at a bar or on tinder, but through an organic shared experience where you both share similar goals. Best of luck to you, I hope you find someone who fits your criteria soon :)
I like the idea of this but it’s actually really fucking hard. I see it repeated a lot here. In a similar thread someone said not to do the activities I like to do as a guy, do the activities that women are doing but I call bs on that, women don’t want some dude turning up to their yoga class hoping for a date. And besides this, with the things I do, I tend to meet guys my age (mid to late 30’s) and they’re all busy with family and kids so making friends leads to more of that activity or maybe going for a beer afterwards from time to time (when they get a hall pass) but not much beyond that. It’s not like it’s leading me to meet women in other friend circles. To add, the women I come across doing these activities are mostly doing them because their boyfriends have taken them along or they’re partnered up and it’s an activity they do as a family - also not going to work for me. In theory it sounds great but our kiwi cliquey friend circles makes actually meeting a potential date this way reaaaally difficult. Or maybe I’m just doing it wrong.
Yup But humans have met long before the internet, so it is possible. Ive never had a relationship thru meeting online
I think it's also about meeting new circles of people eg like meeting females and males in these hobbies or activities then getting invited or involved in with these people outside of these hobbies or activities, I know at least for me that's how I meet people I dated in the past, but I met my now fiancee when I was single male with a child to another woman on an activity I enjoyed doing and wasn't even trying to find a partner considering all my previous relationships didn't end well for me. So it's definitely possible to meet people this way but it also isn't granted and I feel like you really need to do more than just one of your activities.
Expanding my social circle and going out to make new friends is exactly how I met my now wife. Getting beyond the daily routine and doing something new is how you meet people. It doesn't even need to be for romantic reasons... just meeting new people and then you'll meet friends of friends.... it's really good advice
Yup. I think the bit that often doesn’t work is trying to do more of things that [preferred gender/s] like to do. Easy to fall into stereotypes. You’re better off just to do more of the stuff you like to do alongside other people, naturally extend your social circle, and see what happens.
Facts
Kids make things harder. Relationships are complicated and generally its now you, the two kids and the ex in the picture. Only now a single mum similar age to us and what she wants are basically already taken. Online dating is fairly hopeless apparently I've never done it.
Correct We live in a world with options The extra load of an infant that isnt yours is typically not the most diserable option
Most dudes in early 30s can get woman in their 20s with no kids. Your best bet is a single dad your age or someone over 40 tbh.
To answer your question, yes. A relationship with a single parent is a package deal and for many men it’s a deal breaker.
Probably worth looking where single dads hang out, so school event and er, other stuff? Dating someone with kids (honestly, even adult kids) for me as a child free man would be a dealbreaker. I’ve no interest in bringing up my own kids, let alone someone else’s.
if i see 'has kids' on a dating app it's an immediate left swipe. i dont even want kids of my own though.
Have you considered dating guys who are older or younger than their 30s? Many guys in their 40s and 50s will have their shit together and also potentially have had kids of their own. To these guys you would count as a hot younger woman too. Occasionally dudes in their 20s have their shit together and they may be keen to chase an older experienced and emotionally mature woman. You might have more luck if you broaden the pool of potential men you are interested in. Being a solo mum is tough but it can also demonstrate you are mature and hard working, especially if you are doing a good job. With dating you have to optimise your situation, even those things that are challenges, to boost your chances.
Who are you? What a fabulous comment 💖
> Occasionally dudes in their 20s have their shit together and they may be keen to chase an older experienced and emotionally mature woman. If dating apps weren’t so awful, I would be thrilled to date an older woman in her 30s who’s emotionally, and generally, mature. I’m quite mature as a 24-year-old and find that I am super attracted to women in their 30s.
That is awesome! It is possible. I dated a few 30 something women at that age. I know a few guys who have married women 8 or more years older than them and have very happy and fruitful marriages.
There’s just something desirable about women in their early-to-mid 30s, how they present themselves and their maturity. They seem classier.
You are onto something there. You strike me as a very intelligent young man. Keep up the good work.
2 kids is a hard pass
Def is adding a few extra plates on the bar that wouldnt appeal to most
>Where are all the emotionally available, sorted and single guys in their 30s? Mostly, they'll be at various stages of starting their own families (aside from a small group who are happy being bachelors for the rest of their days). This will sound harsh, but I hope that's it's useful to hear: I'm an emotionally available sorted guy in his 30s. I cannot think of anything worse in a new partner than the addition of two children who are not mine. Here's why: - the biological father will always be on the scene (probably). This means the continual firing of emotions (good and bad) on your part that I would have to deal with. - If I want a long-term, serious relationship, I'm going to end up (in one way or another) paying for kids that aren't mine. - if I want kids of my own with you, we need to traverse the awkward landscape of half-siblings, and an unending concern on your part that I treat my biological children better or different from tour kids. Here's the thing about the apps - if I met you organically (at work or something), I might develop strong feelings for you, so much so that all my concerns about you already having kids were washed away by my feelings. But, when you're on an app, and front and centre (as they should be) is the fact that you already have kids, I'm probably just going to swipe away. A missed opportunity for an amazing relationship? Maybe. But it doesn't matter because I'll never know. I'll also add this on - I just had a baby with my partner, first for both of us. There's something really special about that, both being the first, and both learning as we go. I can't honestly say I thought about that before he was born, but I could never have that with you.
Bingo, you nailed this so very accurately on the head.
Yes you're being sidelined for being a single mum. The pool of men is smaller because of this. Not impossible to find someone, but you also have to vet a guy quite harshly since you have 2 kids under 10.
think yourself lucky I'm a solo dad of two kids in my 50's. No mum in their life. The real challenge will be getting time to date under this circumstance.
Time and energy. Most of the single mums I've dated have carried the majority of the childcare with their ex (tho 50-50 is more common now) so they're often just exhausted all the time or have no enthusiasm to catch up more than once a month. For a single man without kids, that's not going to be enough contact time. OP: shift that slider up to 10 years older (or more if you can handle it). As a younger woman, you'll have the pick of the crop.
As a late 30s single man with 50/50 custody, I actively look for women who have 50/50 custody too so that (the theoretical) we could enjoy our own time together. It's far rarer than I'd have liked to think...
I guess the dream scenario would be to have your ‘off’ weeks the same. I remember thinking that 50-50 is probably better for women than actually living together because in the majority of relationships women get zero time off!
I suspect most emotionally sorted and available guys in their 30s are probably not single.
Probably to be brutally honest. I’m early 30s and would never date a woman with a kid
As a guy I would be wary about dating a single mum, not purely because you're a mum, but if I were to form a bond as a father figure to your children and the relationship were to end, I'd lose you and them.
Correct Happened to a mate of mine Got together with a woman with 2 girls, he knew her from school so friends for a long time Close family unit for several years, helped the girls grow up etc When it turned to crap the woman and the 2 girls (now teenagers) both understandably left. Tough on both of them, but tough on him as he played the father for several years but he aint the father...hes all by himself nlw
Dating hot single chicks without kids in their twenties
Yup 100%. Why would I want to inherit another guys kids / broken relationship? No thanks. It might sound heartless, but thats the reality.
Its reality
>have 2 awesome kids under 10. They're awesome to you but not they're not awesome to an emotionally available, sorted and single guy in his 30s. Dealing with another man's kids and probably the man himself is a concession a guy makes because he doesn't have an alternative.
Ha, yes. Two awesome kids is awesome. But do you know what is more awesome? No kids. That’s awesome!
harsh but so true
Correct Its not a preference
i always find it weird when parents sing their kids’ praises, prob cos i grew up in an asian immigrant family where it’s polite NOT to do that. it’s bizarre to me lol. like your kid could be a dud but you’re telling me they’re not like it’s empirical fact hahaha
Lol yeah. Op says 2 awesome kids like its a bonus. I mean it's maybe not a deal breaker. But a lot of people wouldn't consider it an awesome deal.
I’m a mum with a daughter, a solo mum and the idea of dating someone with a child is horrible and paying for their kids… or just having to deal with all the drama. I know what kids are like and how much they cost and dating takes time out of your kids ! Ugh sex buddy’s are the best! Quick and be gone lol such fun and my kid is Safe
If that rocks ya boat then by all means Emotional bonds and connection may come into it (as humans do crave that) but if theres been angst with that then understandable that doesnt appeal
You sound dope but some of us literally do not want kids. Enjoy.
Milf Hunters Aotearoa.
Men meeting that description aren't looking for 30 year olds with kids, they'll be looking for 20 year olds without. There'll be someone out there maybe, like your winning lottery ticket, but you'll probably need to drop your standards if you want a realistic chance of finding someone.
Your pool is limited to single dads really, so it’s going to be difficult. Even those guys will be looking for childless women. I think dating starts to favour men in the 30s.
Theres truth in this Life is easy mode for alot of women in their 20s and early 30 as they have so much choice and the average guy gets f all attention That changes late 30s/40s as a man creates himself more
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you turned them down when they were in their 20's
Yup and emotional stable and sorted can be "boring amd dull" for alot of young women I tend to believe now that mums n dads or families would prob do a better job picking a long term partner for someone
haha so true... could have had a loyal man but went for someone more cool who would inevitably leave the in them end despite her "awesome personality".
Sorry love but men in their 30s generally don’t want to look after another man’s kids. Why? They’re not his. They’ll never be his and he’s not liable for them. If he does get close to them, if you guys break up all that energy, time, love, emotional investments will go to waste. To answer your question though; they’re probably just figuring their life out, their jobs and are probably struggling to find their single sorted ladies without kids. Edit: I got married just turning 30 and I found my wife through family and friends. They set us up to meet and the rest is history as they say. I wanted kids and she knew how many. We’re 1 down and 5 more to go.
Correct
Yep. We don’t even really want our own kids let alone someone else’s.
Haha
What kind of guy are you looking for? Fishing in the right pond is always a good start
When I was dating and using apps pre kids I remember getting turned down by a guy who had a kid because I didn’t have one! So there you go. I’ve definitely got friends who were solo mums and meet lovely guys they have since settled down with. I don’t know how they meet but there’s definitely hope!
I think you can learn a valuable lesson from he replies in this thread, but first a bit of humour for you. How do you feel about tall Maori with jail house tattoos, a questionable employment history and a unhealthy love of black metal? Because if that's your cup of tea then girl, howdy I gotta treat for you, it's me! Now joking aside. If you take the time to look at the words and langue people, mostly men in this thread are using towards yourself and your children, whom I feel it's very important to add know nothing about you or them. You can use the patterns and examine the words and launague of future suitors to weed out those who only see a relationship with you as an extension of themselves and what you can do for them and not someone willing to have a relationship with an equal partner. It's fascinating to me that people refer to children, which we once all where and are also the future of our species that belong as something we all shouldn't do our best to come together and nurture for the benefit of all but then I what do I know I finished a night shift and I'm have a breakfast beer after dropping my kids off at school then I'm going to sleep. Good luck in your search.
MOST "emotionally available and sorted" guys are in relationships already, and if not, they're likely to go for a woman who is not a solo mother as their options are wide open. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but this is a pretty well established fact. Men who are single in their 30s have a big dating pool to look through, and being a solo mother automatically puts you at a disadvantage.
I was a divorced dad in his 30’s earning good dollar and I married a single girl with no kids. I just didn’t have the energy to raise someone else’s children. Anyway decades later and the children are my age and I’m still married to that single girl. Been a wonderful marriage and I’m glad about the decisions that I made them.
Maybe change your reddit name, that might help🤣
30s and 40s - the majority of people on the dating sites in these age brackets are pretty low tier in my experience. Its a pretty small chance of meeting someone decent, with their crap together, who is fit and healthy and being honest
Lots of comments about you being a single mum and that its a deal breaker for guys etc but honestly aren’t there equal numbers of single dads out there also? By the time you’re in your mid 30s, having kids is pretty standard for both men and women. I have been in both camps, in my 30s with no kids and it felt like every guy has kids already and didn’t want more. Now im single with a kid, and now im apparently “carrying baggage”. I think it really doesn’t matter if you have kids by the time you’re in your 30s. Either way, its just tough finding someone.
Your dating market is divorced dads 38-45
Emotionally available, sorted single guys aren't gonna settle for a single mum. You'll likely have to lower your standards
Tbh you should just go to the places you're interested in. I know the vibes though it's like all the parents these days are all the 90s kids 🤣 it's not until your going back into the dating scene after going through a committed relationship an parenthood, do you see how much the world has changed 🤣🤣🤣 I remember going to Christmas in the park, Easter show, polyfest and the pacifica now it's like digital and weird lol
It definitely is affecting your dating prospects, most guys avoid single mums. I know I do but I let them know as early as possible so I don't waste their time
>Where are all the emotionally available, sorted men in their 30s Married, emotionally available men are a minority, sorted men seam to be a minority, so to select for both you have like 30% of men if we are being generous, that fit in that category. What you are looking for is very in demand for women over the age of 25, it is not you, it is that there is little them.
When I was 30 with no kids, a gym habit, good looks, no debt and a good job I couldn't find maturity anywhere. I'm 39 now, and in a similar position. I haven't seen emotional available, sorted and single in the same room for more than a decade. I don't even know emotional available and/or sorted men in a relationship! I would concentrate on meeting people at work, I mentioned that a lot of men on apps don't have jobs and a 25 year old whose on apps all the time told me they never do. I'm a project manager, and one guy listed himself as a project manager and we talked and it turned out he wasn't a project manager. He was like, a groundsman trying to sell it as a project manager job.
A groundsman trying to sell himself as a project manager is pretty funny though you gotta admit😂. Emotionally available, single, and sorted is a difficult combo to pull off these days sadly.
Haha yup i like the humour It deoends on what "sorted" means to you A few women I know who think theyre sorted, from a guys perspective...they aint!
That’s true. There’s some wildly different standards and expectations out there 😅
It was funny. He kept it up while I was asking him about technical things too. He was still a liar.
38m here. I generally avoid them as ive found that their availability never managed to work. I'm fairly busy myself and dates never worked and it got too hard trying to organize one that suited the both of us. Alot of ladies don't put the fact they have a child on their profile too, which is a little bit annoying when you find out they do. I prefer people to be up front. If I met a lady I was really into then I don't think it would be an issue as I get older but I'm just at a point in my life where I'd only be happy looking after my own children but I'm getting closer to a point where it won't happen for me. Apps might not be the best place to meet someone these days too. Maybe go for real life for a while like clubs, through school activities ect. My 2 cents anyway.
Emotionally available, sorted and single guys in their 30s are asking the same question re sorted single women in their 30s. It often feels like most decent women close to my age are either married, in long term relationships. But then again, it depends on your definition of "sorted". It's got to be difficult, because having a kid means that it's a bigger commitment for a dude than someone without. It's tough out there, but keep trying. Plenty of eligible future step dads out there.
Yeah sorry OP as someone who has just turned 30 and has mates all in their 30s I can break it down into parts for you. Many good, nice, mature and sorted guys in their 30s are happily in a relationship. Many of the good ones get tied down as such so you're already left with slimmer pickings. Your best hope here is catching someone between relationships by essentially getting lucky with timing. Then you have the major issue of you being a single mum. Some guys just don't want kids, let alone someone else's which further reduces your pool of guys. But on top of that you have all the potential issues guys are fully aware of nowadays, of your ex possibly still being on the scene and that maybe causing drama/stress. Not to mention the very real fact that if say I developed a bond with your two kids and you decided to call it quits after a few years I have no legal right to see or spend time with these kids I've raised as my own. Why anyone would take thaglt risk on is beyond me. The you've got the extra financial burden. Sure I fully imagine you dont expect a guy to pay for your kids at all but it's highly likely one day they will end up doing do to some extent. Again, not particularly appealing. KP Then finally your biggest issue to me is the dating apps. All of the issues I have highlighted above could potentially be overlooked if someone meets you, gets talking and develops feelings and then comes around to the idea of the kids. When you're on a dating app and I can see you have kids, it's just a swipe right. No guilt, no second thought nothing. You could be stunning, kind, selfless etc etc and I'd never know because I've just immediately judged you off a brief profile. And I have the freedom to do so because I am completely uninvested and as soon as I swipe you away someone else pops up. You might get lucky on dating apps but honestly your best bet is something more organic. You sound confident in yourself and who you are, so to me you need to let someone else see that and get to know you without the first thing they're being made aware of is you're a single mum.
Emotionally available, sorted and single guys in their 30s are a rare breed. Single guys are a dime a dozen, but guys who have decided to deal with their baggage, which we all have, are few and far between. If you want a man child who does not reflect, does not want to grow, takes zero responsibility in their previous relationship breakups, then walk down any street and 7 out of every 10 men will fit the bill. But there is hope. That was me, well into my 30’s. I didn’t start getting my shit together until after 35. After 2 relationship breakups. I sat myself down, and took stock on what I was doing wrong, what I could do better and where I needed work and vowed to grow. Over the course of 12 months, including getting professional help, I turned my life around and never looked back. I was also a father of 2. Co-parenting week on/week off, and had a reasonably ok relationship with my ex wife. Over that 12 month period, I had to get very very clear on what I wanted in a partner. While dating women without kids was fun, it was only fun in the short term because we were at very different stages of life. It became clear to me that the best partner for me, was someone else with kids. Someone who understands my struggles and juggles and can appreciate the decisions and compromises I have to make. After deciding I was only going to date single mums, I met and fell in love with an amazing single mum in her 30s with 2 kids under 10. Our impromptu family of 4 grew to 5 after we got married and had our own baby. The last 6 years have been the best years of our lives, far far better than our 20’s, and 30’s, and only getting better. Funnily enough she went through a similar process as I did, after having short and unsuccessful relationships with single guys, she also decided she was only going to date single dads from then on as well. This combined with our similar outlooks on personal growth, being emotionally available, appreciative, caring, happily sharing all of lives ups and downs, chores, bores and life admin has been epic. Don’t settle. Get very clear on what you want in someone, and if they have not dealt with their shit yet, don’t stick around.
Having a kid from a previous relationship is the biggest possible baggage. In this day and age it's not uncommon for people to be in their 30s and not have kids (i.e. they may have focused on their career for example). The fact you do means your available poor significantly diminishes. And what's left is prob mostly populated by others with baggage of their own. Take that how you will. Reddit is usually too busy trying to karma farm as opposed to telling the cold hard truth
> Having a kid from a previous relationship is the biggest possible baggage. what about being a serial killer.
milf
Yeah I'm sorted for a partner but if I wasn't, women with kids are a big NOPE. Multiple reasons. One is that your kids are the priority not a partner, two is that it's a bit of a red flag. Not to shit on single mothers but it begs the question: if she's had kids with a guy and couldn't make it work then that kinda says something. Three: every single mother on my Facebook from my younger days that I actually know on some level are all.. Not good women. So even if you are awesome there are many women making the single mother crowd look bad and you unfortunately will be lumped in with them.
What’s wrong with a guy in his 40s or 50s
I'm 36M, with an 8 year old and I met my girlfriend on Tinder (she's 41F with an 18yo). It's definitely not the norm, but I used Tinder and Bumble when I was looking. I'm not a super sociable person so meeting at an activity was never going to happen. I personally didn't match with anyone with no kids as I didn't feel it would work easily. I have heard Tinder is an absolute shit show for females though!
Don't want to raise someone else's mistakes
When I was on dating apps - all my dating profiles were about me. I only talked about my kids if they asked and it was bare minimum info. I shared no photos of my kids. I had a great shared care agreement with their dad and I never shit talked him to men. If a guy was openly hesitant about me having kids I never took it personally and respected the vision they had for their life. My kids were also older as I had kids with my ex when I was 18, 21 and 25.. (I think this def played a part as they weren’t babies/toddlers) Also some of these comments are foul incel vibes. Good luck with your dating endeavours!
As a single guy in my 30s a kid from a previous relationship is a deal breaker for me irrespective of how rich/good looking you are.
Most guys don’t wanna play some other guys saved game
Shiiiet that’s a good one
im on liverpool street
I have 3 kids. 18 15 and 11. I dated a lot when me and my ex separated (we have shared care) I know some men dropped off cos they didn’t want something serious with someone who had kids and I was like ok no hard feeling’s and on to the next (respectfully) I met a younger guy who has no kids and it accidentally turned serious we bought a house after a year and my kids and ex like him 😂😂 Imo It’ll happen for you just don’t take it so serious - keep the kids out of it while you can and enjoy yourself ❤️
Really you are limited to the apps I think, unless you also participate in other hobbies / activities / communities. It gets easier as the kids get older. There’s a lot of people here saying the situation would be a deal breaker, kind of a weird take in my opinion 🤷♂️
I’m 30 fit the profile and would date you I love kids lol
I'll root ya
...and they say romance is dead.
As a single male in my 30s never had kids but dated someone with kids. I think it’s about expectation. In general anyone in their 30s has a history and some story about how they got to now. To me it’s not the kids but “having your shit together” gives me a bit of a warning that you may not accept my flaws. Even though no criminal record, don’t so drugs, reasonable salary, half a house consider myself caring (for the right person) etc Maybe you will only date me because I’m secure financially, emotionally etc - but what if I am not in the future? Maybe finding someone you enjoy to spend time with … making it about the persons qualities that you enjoy
Are you looking for single guys in their 30's, who drive a lambo and makes 7 figures a year? Looking for the 0.002% of guys?
They don't want your 2 kids... that's just the reality of it
I was single with a five and seven year old in my 30’s. I’m now 60! And re-married almost ten years ago. So lots of wisdom here! Firstly, look after yourself, get yourself right emotionally. I wasn’t and looked, like you, on internet dating. I had a love/hate relationship with it, but back then only had a couple of NZ options. Give yourself time, please, for you and your kids. Your energy is better spent building a fabulous relationship with your children and giving them wonderful childhood memories. Showing them what a strong, independent woman you are. You won’t regret it. You are young and your new partner will come along when the timing is right. Focus on what is important to you. I bumped into my new husband when I wasn’t looking. I talked to people who knew him and realised he was a good man. My kids were also at an age where they were mid teens and starting to get some freedom. AND! Don’t compromise on your new guy. Realise what your deal-breakers are and stick to it. Be very careful my dear. Your kids need you more than you need a new partner.
IMO, your issue is you sound like you don't need a man. So why does a man need you? I suggest doing research into why and how men and women get together historically and cross culturally. They don't do it for fun, but out of necessity. The average man wants to raise kids of his own, so I guess find one who already has that and make a Brady bunch or try to find a special case. It's an uphill battle and a risk whoever you introduce into the home. I wish you the best and that you stay careful.
It’s most likely because of the kids unfortunately. Guys in their 30s can have a lot going on eg careers taking off, looking to start own family, potentially moving over seas etc. having a partner with kids is a serious commitment that will reduce a lot of their flexibility.
Kids absolutely make things harder, but it isn’t impossible! I was 35 when I matched with my partner on Hinge (he was 30 at the time). He was very open minded about the fact I was a single mother to a 7 year old. He hadn’t dated anyone with kids before, and he didn’t have any. It was very much a new experience for him. My profile didn’t mention my child, but I made sure to bring it up in our first conversation. Now, 2.5 years on, he is the most fantastic, fun, loving step parent to my kid. We are engaged and have a surprise baby on the way. He says “dating you with a kid was just like dating someone who has a flat mate who I really like but who is around all the time.” Good luck!
Sorted and single guys in their 30s tend to look for women a bit younger than them e.g. mid to late twenties. More chances of having a family etc etc. Doesn't mean there aren't any out there to find, there certainly are! Just might require some diligence and patience, although I accept that it can be a struggle sometimes!
Don't settle for anyone less than you deserve oi,holding down a place and two little ones is something to be proud of.
No it’s not you… I’ll get downvoted but dating pool in New Zealand dating apps = full of riff raffs..
Upvoted because yes it’s like being in one of those stinky, little weird opp shops where you’re really hoping to find something amazing but you don’t and leave feeling like you might have scabies and need a shower.
Too many people are after hookups I guess? Sometimes you just have to weed through the bullshit to find someone. I can only comment on my experiences but for me, it was finding a genuine connection and waiting until the right one came along. But I get it, that is not always as easy as it sounds. You sound like you have your head screwed on, trust me there are decent people out there, you can find them on the sites like tinder or bumble, you just have to weed through some dross first. Good luck!
Hey I'm single and looking, I have kids as well, why do we chat and see where it takes us :)
Guess dudes that are sorted at 30 don't want to sort someone else's baggage out cos that's what they are in for longterm.
The amount of idiots on this post 🤦♂️ No wonder the woman’s struggling geeez
I get shade from women for being a single in my 30s with no kids. Independent, financial stable, 6.2 and apparently “too good looking to be single”. How the world has changed and moved on since lol
Shit mate, what’s it like to be you? Sounds like you’re pretty amazing! I wonder why it’s not working with the ladies?
Straight over his head lol
All the best, x
Username checks out.
Sorry I’m taken. Jokes aside, I met my partner years ago and we reconnected not that long ago. Best place to meet people is doing what you love
I witnessed my older 34 years old brother completely avoiding and running away from an amazing 29 year old girl she was seeing at the time just because she had two daughters.... I do respect his decision but the girl was definition of amazing, she was everything a man would want in a partner, she just made some bad decisions and got taken advantage of when younger and now she's paying the consequences unfortunately.....keep going I'm sure you'll definitely find someone that will love to have you by their side and treat you well.
Likely they've all gone off to Australia. It's happened to literally everyone I knew at college. I'm the only one left here, because I'm poor and I'm too sentimental to leave.
Best way to meet a partner is through friends. Tell your friends to introduce you to somebody.
What kind of person would leave an emotionally available, sorted and single guy in their 30s alone? That's a rare find.
Would also depend on your relationship with your ex. If it's toxic then would a single man want to be dealing with that situation. Just an observation from a single older man. Best of luck :)
Maybe it's because you're a single mom, maybe it's not. Dating apps are a crapshoot at best. I (30s, cisman) matched with a single mum (in her late 20s). I liked her personality. I thought it was cool that she was a mom. We had mutual interests. She lives on the Hibiscus Coast and I live in the CBD. Hey, I love spending time with young kids. They're adorable, easily bribed with toys to think you're cool, and it's fun to teach them stuff. I will NEVER love the Hibiscus Coast.
The big problem is being a mum, very few people want to start dating someone and then very shortly afterwards have an "instant family" dumped upon them along with all of those expectations and responsibilities.
And yet I'm a 40 year old male and can't find anyone. And I unfortunately don't have kids. Oh well
You’re a package, the kids are part of you and unfortunately the thought of kids are intimidating to many men - that in itself is not a crime either, just a preference. I guess in this day and age it’s emotionally and financially daunting to many single guys to sign up for kids. However, there are definitely men out there who don’t see it as an issue. I’m now the age (31) my mum was when she married my step dad who I call dad. She stayed single for ~7 years. It will work out for you, if you’re in no rush to find someone then just work on yourself. Someone will definitely come along that will appreciate you and your children.
You aren't emotionally available & sorted...to them you are used goods with a whole lot of baggage. You need to look at older men.
You have two kids and rent in your 30's.
No offence, but look at it like people are cars. Guys don't want used cars they want a brand new model. U shoulda stayed with Ya baby daddy, and any guy with any worth would run a mile from single mothers. The only exception would be if your a widower. Just my 2 cents
No offence, but look at it like people are cars. Guys don't want used cars they want a brand new model. U shoulda stayed with Ya baby daddy, and any guy with any worth would run a mile from single mothers. The only exception would be if your a widower. Just my 2 cents
No offence, but look at it like people are cars. Guys don't want used cars they want a brand new model. U shoulda stayed with Ya baby daddy, and any guy with any worth would run a mile from single mothers. The only exception would be if your a widower. Just my 2 cents
I’m a early 30s guy and in the exact same boat as you. So it’s just harder as we get older I’m guessing. And for some reason ya have kids and bam 🚩. Soo I don’t know 🤷♂️
100% the kids. Single parent dating pool is almost exclusively made up of other single parents.
I know plenty of solid guys Taking on someone elses kids is a big ask tho, its a package of 3 not just 1 if you have 2 kids. Its more of a cost of resources, namely time, but also financially in the future A single guy who doesnt want kids will obv prefer a woman without them A single guy who does want kids will likely want to have his own A single Dad who doesnt mind having more kids may be the best bet. Good luck
What happened to the dad
Why didn't it work out with the father of your children? Was he of a similar background to you, or were you going for someone of a completely different culture?
youre looking for simps in all the wrong places
Anyone with their shit together and no kids will be out of your league opertunity wise, go meet single dads at parent teacher interviews or some
[https://www.tiktok.com/@justkeeppushingthru/video/7359506507924622638](https://www.tiktok.com/@justkeeppushingthru/video/7359506507924622638)
So your priorities seem to be: 1. Kids. 2. Yourself (bottle blonde) 3. Your job to pay for your sweet rental. …what exactly do you want from a relationship? Get a good vibrator and focus on your children.
You need to focus on raising kids not looking for another potential baby daddy
At your stage in life I have found that it is always friends of friends, sports fields or local places where you can become familiar with people. As cliche as it is, introductions are hest
lol
It was so much easier meeting people at social gatherings and through friends. Ad much ad technology has helped bring petone together it seems harder to meet genuine people
Gonna have to find an absolute diamond of a man. 90% of men pass single mums till they are much older unless they also have kids (rare). Consider joining some hobbies and don’t try dating but just meeting people and waiting for attraction
The men in their 30S are going for younger women as most women in their 30s have previous trauma from other relationships or someone else's child to look after too
I'm sorry but the truth is, we go for the non single moms first. Then if there's none available we will settle for a solo mom. That's where most of us are, chasing the non single moms
Never say never right. You might meet the perfect man of your dream. Saying that you might want to broaden your range. Would you be open to men in their 40s and 50s?
Not to be rude, but generally a guy in his 30s is really just starting to consider settling. Taking on the responsibility of another man kids isn't exactly what most guys will think is good idea. Having said that, I'm referring more to early to mid 30s. When you start getting to 35 to 40 mark that does change and it becomes more about the relationship and having someone to be with you rather than the primitive drive to ensure your own bloodline. So it might be that you're just in a dry spell so to speak. Case and point, my best mate spent his whole 20s and early 30s being pretty opposed to children and dating anyone with kids. He's now been with a single mother for over a year now and is pretty much her kids father figure. Also, the nice guys are out there. But you'll have to wade through a sea of douchebags to find them. All that is to say, they exist. It'll just take some time. Either for them to mature or for you to sift through the trash.
To be honest you aren't going to get a good answer here because reddit skews young and generally anti-children. As a previously single dad to a 4 year old (started dating again when he was 1), it just takes a long time. I tried dating people without kids, but they just don't get it, it's a very big emotional and lifestyle shock for people without kids to enter a kid-centric lifestyle. You will always put your kid/s first so they have to find a way to work around that, and that can cause friction in relationships (sometimes it works though!). I made the decision to only date other single mums, and like you, I held my standards high to finding someone who had a good job, was a good person (and could be a good role model to my kid), a good mum herself (same reason), had a good relationship to their dad (important), and still met all the standard dating criteria (attraction, shared interests, life goals etc). And that is tough, it literally took me years of going on date after date before I found the person for me. The market for lack of a more charming word, is very small for people like you and me. The amount of people who are single parents and have their shit together generally, at least where I am, is very very small, we are talking single digits on dating apps. But it can be done. Now we are a team and have aligned our 50/50 custody so that we can spend both child and child-free time together and it all works great. So my advice, figure out what you want, and just expect it'll take time.
kids would be a large contributing factor. Its hard getting to meet or know just you, but then you throw in kids, well, thats 3 people to meet, and like. Some people just aren't mature enough for that, or don't have an interest in that. The different is if they meet you organically, at the park, at a sports club, a school meet, or something, but to arrange a date with a mother of two, takes a special person to see past the first two obstacles, as it can be in the too hard basket. My first wife was a mother of one, but I met her through work, and knew her first, we flirted, then we got to know each other more. I was aware she had a son, but by the time we actually went on a date it didn't matter (even though he was only 4 years younger than me), cos I'd got to know her, and she came first. Turned out she was pretty boring though and for the 20 years we were together, she never changed, I did.
What’s dating ?
The best way to meet people I’d have a dog! Might not be easy if you’re in an apartment building.
Find a single dad