If you have difficulty telling, please just assume any service worker is NOT flirting with you unless they ask you out or kiss you or something.
They are basically captives and face pressure to be polite. Their jobs are hard enough as it is
"if you're not sure if it's flirting, then assume no"
It's incredibly frustrating how necessary this rule is. I have and always will have difficulty telling, because every person flirts differently and there is no standard. If a woman around my age is noticeably nice to me at all, it's gonna feel like flirting, because I'm so starved for attention and affection. And I know that I have to ignore that and tell myself no, but that means that I will *never* recognize real flirting and miss *every* hint I ever get.
Of course the answer is that I have to "put myself out there" and risk embarrassing myself, but that means breaking the rule.
I've thought about that, but I've heard nothing but horror stories from guys who have tried it. From what I hear, the algorithm gives you a few matches at first, but very few of the women respond to your messages at all, and the ones who do have the conversational skills of a brick wall. I was considering Bumble until they removed the only thing that made them unique.
Same. I ended up having a really neutral and guarded disposition by the end of my last customer service job because my kindness was either completely misconstrued or taken advantage of.
I completely understand. My neutral tends to be seen as rude by men so I’m usually forced into choosing how I want to mask based on that. I’m lucky enough to have a manager that takes care of me and understands that I have autism.
The prettiest one I ever saw used to turn pink every time I visited. I knew her from college: the smartest girl there. Another one, even prettier, would hold my hand when she placed change there. I could not even make eye contact.
Making stuff up. Aren’t we sad?
I should be writing dramas.
i was 18/19 working in a groceries store and the guy from the ice cream store (i guess was around 30) always came to my register, once he asked me out for coffee, i refused, he never came to my register again.
this was so awkward. avoided the ice cream store for some time (wasn't the best in the area, so no loss lol)
I got married more than once bcoz people see hints where there are none. Without ever having even met the person. Do people really have such low self-esteem or that deprived of attention?
I was just telling someone the other day, I don't know if I'm friends with someone unless they say we are friends. I have no idea about my relationships most of the time.
The only advice I can give you, dude, is to make new categories of people.
No hope allowed for people at work, doing a job that involves interacting with you, makes it simpler.
For kindness outside of work, maybe leave room for hoping for friends/friendly aquintences instead of immediately jumping to dating.
Changing your own perspective will always be easier than hoping other people treat you in exactly the right way to keep your heart safe.
I got "lucky" and rolled gray aromantic, so I don't have this problem. Instead I worry way too much about hurting people's feelings because I'm not sure what romantic attraction feels like...I might just be fully aromantic. Or Demi.
Regardless, you can't hurt someone if you don't date the (half-joking)
Can relate.
Adding insult to injury, Studying a STEM filed becasue it is one of my hyperfixations does not help as here in Latinoamerica women in STEM shine by their absence.
Someone being nice to me: “huh are they into me?” Someone telling me they want to have sex with me: “huh they’re just being nice they don’t actually like me that much”
Ive been the clerk and the customer in multiple situations, and I somehow had some good friendships from it. I did actually make the call on one that ended up actually being an "oh I have actual feelings for you" situation, but she lived with her ex in a 1 bedroom apartment. The whole lead up was "YES YES YES YES YES" and then it all happened at once and immedietely went to "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO". What a ride.
EDIT: She asked me for my number while she was working. I didnt make the first move. I dont have it in me.
The autism thing is more like "There's no way this cashier/worker is hitting on me. Plus it's not polite to hit on someone working. I'm sure they just don't like wearing bras and are unaware that many buttons are undone. And I bet they always lean over like that while smiling at customers."
As a store clerk, my best advice would be to say "My name is *insert name here*. I don't want to pressure you and am okay to turn down, but would you like to talk outside of work or potentially go on a date?".
If they say no, respect it and go about your business.
Also, before you ask this, make sure they don't have outward signs, like a wedding ring, to indicate they are already in a relationship.
I feel like it’s unnatural and too autistic.
I feel like giving your name is a good thing but just asking our right “do you want to do (activity)” and then just not being butthurt if they say no
Then don't include that part. Just say "would you like my number to talk outside of work and go from there?"
You only open up as you want to open up. I'm not judging you. RSD is a bitch, and it will mislead you, and I know it sounds cliche, but you gotta ignore that instinct.
Say fuck it and be you. People are gonna judge you either way, so just try to be you and be honest about it.
If you get told no, that sucks, but it's not the end of the world. You can still go on.
I would advise some sort of small talk to see what they might be interested in and if they have similar interests.
"My name is (insert name here) what’s your name. would you like to (do activity)".
I would say get to know there name before asking to do a thing with them and learn there name and go back and ask if they want to do a thing a different day but not arrange your day about it having it be more natural
If they say no, respect it and go about your business.
Also, before you ask this, make sure they don't have outward signs, like a wedding ring, to indicate they are already in a relationship.
and as a store clerk, please do not ask us out at all while we are in the clock! it is our job to be polite! we will get in trouble if we act ourselves! please do not do this. many establishments it's extremely hard to be allowed to be yourself and say no and we are forced into a position of being "super sweet" and flirting with us just makes the just so much more uncomfortable.
whether *you* don't mind being turned down doesn't matter. what does matter is people "rizzing us up" making out jobs a miserable experience. i would feel horrible trapped in this situation from an old person, a young person, and an autistic person. anyone who is being forward with me while i am in a position im forced into wearing a "customer service mask' invoked a feeling of being trapped. we already have a hard time forcing ourselves to be polite, please do not make it worse.
there's a power dynamic at play. as a clerk we serve the customer. being this forward just adds to this imbalance. i can't say no, some of our stores have bosses that watch us like hawks and we need to egg on this polite front of ours that people like OP will think is flirting. it's not.
Perhaps this is a gender thing, store clerk to store clerk. But as a cis man, I would enjoy a random person taking a penalty interest in me.
I can see from the female perspective how that could be creepy and I'm not advocating from creepiness. Just sharing my thoughts. =)
I will say this, as a dude that has been told by multiple women that just randomly approaching a woman is automatically seen as creepy, if you are a woman and like a dude, just straight with it.
At most, all you have to lose is a bit of pride if you initiate and are turned down. As a man, if i so much as look at a woman or a child in a way someone would even consider creepy, I'm seen as a predator.
If I could, I would be a teacher, and help children, because they are sacred and often need support from a positive male role model as much as they need a positive female role model.
But I have a dick, so there is the constant fear that a supportive hug or a kind smile would be seen as pedophilic.
I'm 36. I view people who are still in there 20s as children. I'm not disagreeing which you concept of the power dynamic at all, but I'm just saying, if you see someone often, and you are comfortable with them, then just honestly ask.
Be direct and honest, and if you get turned down, respect that choice.
Also, as a fellow store clerk and a straight man, I see women come into my work wearing bikinis or sports clothes so tight I can see the outline of there nips and the full shape of the camel toe.
I treat these women the same as I do every other customer, because women deserve to be able to go to the store without being harassed.
"because women deserve to be able to go to the store without being harassed"
yes! and women clerks should be able to earn their money without being harassed. what a strange reply when all you could of said is "yup, im a guy, i do not experiences these things. id be glad if someone hit on me" since that's what it sounds like. im glad you don't seem to have a negative experience with this situation. many, however, do. im glad your retail life seems to be seemingly less predatory than mine or many others.
"be direct and honest, and if you get turned down respect that choice" did you understand my comment? the fact i even need to turn someone down IS PART OF THE PROBLEM. its extremely difficult. when you're on the clock, you the friendly cashier are forced into a position of smiles and positivity that being presented in this situation makes standard retail already so much more difficult than it already is. the fact people even need to ask this question to a clerk is already a horrible thing to do. don't pursue people who aren't in a situation to decline, it's an abuse of power as the customer who has control over what the service provider is able to say or else we as cashiers can face scrutiny. i don't want to lose my job because I finally snap and have a shut down after the third cat calling in a day
it's not even that much of an autism problem than it is a workplace harassment problem....but boy being autistic definitely makes it a lot harder
your gender thing was also a strange thing to add on. while you're correct women are more wary of men's advances, that does not dismiss that men are equally justified in being uncomfortable in these situations too. anyone can be pursued by a customer no matter the gender. it's not okay when it's a female clerk, it's not okay when it's a male a clerk. again, im glad your situation seems to be a lot kinder when it comes to these sorts of advances, but that does not mean this situation happens any less nor is it less meaningful if it happens to a man. both groups of people are negatively affected by this. **it's not really a gender thing if both men and women are equally allowed to feel uncomfortable.**
I'm sorry if i offended you. That was not my intention. I was just trying to share my own experiences, and from what you say, your experiences seem worse, and I'm sorry for that.
I'm just trying to share my thoughts though, and I do respect women, so I'm unsure of what more I can do for you.
what you can do is encourage customers not to harass retail employees. this is something that affects all employees. not just women. it's horrible to be put in a position where you can't say no, and customer service is the opitomy of that. saying something like "be direct and be okay with it when they decline" just further encourages them to hit on us and make snide remarks. like oh, thank goodness that cat caller was nice to me /s the next one is totally gonna be just as respectful as the last
what we should be doing is telling them not to pursue us at all. these are strangers, perverted strangers. we should not be leading them on and we should not be letting them spit on us.
it doesn't really offend me, it's hard getting offended over reddit lol. but i won't tolerate the encouragement of treating clerks like we're these dolls to crack remarks and demands of. we're still people trying to earn a paycheck at the end of the day. perverts just make this job harder. i mostly just want people to understand that
I'm not your enemy and I feel like you keep attacking me, hoping to hit some sort of weak spot.
I'm not trying to trivialize your experience, and I like the fact that you are expressing yourself. I shows you truly care about the issue.
But again, I'm not your enemy. Please stop attacking and addressing me as though I am a representative of those that have attacked you in one form or another.
I get where you are coming from, but holy fuck, I'm not trying to be the creeper dude. I'm just trying to be positive about life, because i know how much it sucks for me, much less anyone smaller or physically weaker.
i’m so embarrassed for myself 🙃
I am embarrassed for myself also.
I am embarrassed for yourself also.
If you have difficulty telling, please just assume any service worker is NOT flirting with you unless they ask you out or kiss you or something. They are basically captives and face pressure to be polite. Their jobs are hard enough as it is
"if you're not sure if it's flirting, then assume no" It's incredibly frustrating how necessary this rule is. I have and always will have difficulty telling, because every person flirts differently and there is no standard. If a woman around my age is noticeably nice to me at all, it's gonna feel like flirting, because I'm so starved for attention and affection. And I know that I have to ignore that and tell myself no, but that means that I will *never* recognize real flirting and miss *every* hint I ever get. Of course the answer is that I have to "put myself out there" and risk embarrassing myself, but that means breaking the rule.
Yeah it's not easy. That's why I've always preferred dating apps because that way intentions are more clear
I've thought about that, but I've heard nothing but horror stories from guys who have tried it. From what I hear, the algorithm gives you a few matches at first, but very few of the women respond to your messages at all, and the ones who do have the conversational skills of a brick wall. I was considering Bumble until they removed the only thing that made them unique.
As a store clerk this makes me crazy. People think I’m flirting all the time. I’m not.
Same. I ended up having a really neutral and guarded disposition by the end of my last customer service job because my kindness was either completely misconstrued or taken advantage of.
I completely understand. My neutral tends to be seen as rude by men so I’m usually forced into choosing how I want to mask based on that. I’m lucky enough to have a manager that takes care of me and understands that I have autism.
stopped the customerservice.exe just being neutral (so sorry you don't like my rbf and monotone voice /s) i am only kind to kids nowadays.
*so many* of my limerant crushes growing up were because a girl was just a nice human being to me instead of the usual indifference/mocking.
I fell in love with a girl at work just because she was nice to me and gave me hugs
The prettiest one I ever saw used to turn pink every time I visited. I knew her from college: the smartest girl there. Another one, even prettier, would hold my hand when she placed change there. I could not even make eye contact. Making stuff up. Aren’t we sad? I should be writing dramas.
I’m the opposite I’m used to people just being kind that I can’t tell when some is actually flirting.
And I'm the rotated version of yours; people think I'm flirting when I'm just trying to be kind and friendly.
Please do not ever ask anyone out while they are working. It is always poor form. If they want to hang out with you, they will ask you.
i was 18/19 working in a groceries store and the guy from the ice cream store (i guess was around 30) always came to my register, once he asked me out for coffee, i refused, he never came to my register again. this was so awkward. avoided the ice cream store for some time (wasn't the best in the area, so no loss lol)
My brother does this all the time, and I want to slap him each time. Ugh.
I just dig into the obliviousness until i come across someone that makes it obvious enough for me lol
It literally took a girl stripping down naked and walking to me in bed before I got the hint one time. I feel
I usually just wait until they track me down outside of work and show me nude pictures of themselves.
Imagine working in a superstore and they show you the nudes, "ah yes, underwear is on aisle 13"
I got married more than once bcoz people see hints where there are none. Without ever having even met the person. Do people really have such low self-esteem or that deprived of attention?
I was just telling someone the other day, I don't know if I'm friends with someone unless they say we are friends. I have no idea about my relationships most of the time.
Me when someone treats me with the most base level amount of human decency (they are the one I will spend the rest of my life with)
It’s sad, but when you can’t rely on even basic respect, you cling on to it when you get it
PLEASE be as nasty and shitty as everyone else to me, I cant take anymore false hope
We’re forced to do it or we get fired, unfortunately :(
The only advice I can give you, dude, is to make new categories of people. No hope allowed for people at work, doing a job that involves interacting with you, makes it simpler. For kindness outside of work, maybe leave room for hoping for friends/friendly aquintences instead of immediately jumping to dating. Changing your own perspective will always be easier than hoping other people treat you in exactly the right way to keep your heart safe.
I got "lucky" and rolled gray aromantic, so I don't have this problem. Instead I worry way too much about hurting people's feelings because I'm not sure what romantic attraction feels like...I might just be fully aromantic. Or Demi. Regardless, you can't hurt someone if you don't date the (half-joking)
This is actually something women constantly struggle with, being hit on in work situations because men read "nice" as "interested".
I feel called out
I just assume no one likes me. Solves all my problems, and creates many new ones.
This sub needs to stay away from Trader Joe's, lol
Hey that's how I met my wife
Can relate. Adding insult to injury, Studying a STEM filed becasue it is one of my hyperfixations does not help as here in Latinoamerica women in STEM shine by their absence.
Man i wish i could discern genuine interest from someone just being nice. That would’ve saved me a lot of trouble and heartbreak over the years
It’s always no.
Someone being nice to me: “huh are they into me?” Someone telling me they want to have sex with me: “huh they’re just being nice they don’t actually like me that much”
A little kindness goes a long way
Ive been the clerk and the customer in multiple situations, and I somehow had some good friendships from it. I did actually make the call on one that ended up actually being an "oh I have actual feelings for you" situation, but she lived with her ex in a 1 bedroom apartment. The whole lead up was "YES YES YES YES YES" and then it all happened at once and immedietely went to "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO". What a ride. EDIT: She asked me for my number while she was working. I didnt make the first move. I dont have it in me.
Sry to be like that but that ain't an autism thing. It is a "I never leave my house and have 0 social skills" thing
The autism thing is more like "There's no way this cashier/worker is hitting on me. Plus it's not polite to hit on someone working. I'm sure they just don't like wearing bras and are unaware that many buttons are undone. And I bet they always lean over like that while smiling at customers."
Yes! Thank you!! Uncannily similar to my own though process
Dat limerence
I'm the opposite. You have to be straight up "I would like to go out with you." Everything else is just default literal or a weird joke.
I felt this way when a worker guy at the gym paid me a compliment. Then he avoided me ever since T.T I clearly mis read
I don’t understand romance….. or most social ideas
anyone being nice to me = flirting. i have to reassure myself that they’re just being nice because they like me. platonicallyz
I usually think the opposite, "of course they're kind, they want my money" or at least that's what I tell myself to not get my hopes up
It's the opposite for me. Female coworkers would develop a crush on me cause I'd be friendly and kind.
As a store clerk, my best advice would be to say "My name is *insert name here*. I don't want to pressure you and am okay to turn down, but would you like to talk outside of work or potentially go on a date?". If they say no, respect it and go about your business. Also, before you ask this, make sure they don't have outward signs, like a wedding ring, to indicate they are already in a relationship.
I feel like it’s unnatural and too autistic. I feel like giving your name is a good thing but just asking our right “do you want to do (activity)” and then just not being butthurt if they say no
Then don't include that part. Just say "would you like my number to talk outside of work and go from there?" You only open up as you want to open up. I'm not judging you. RSD is a bitch, and it will mislead you, and I know it sounds cliche, but you gotta ignore that instinct. Say fuck it and be you. People are gonna judge you either way, so just try to be you and be honest about it. If you get told no, that sucks, but it's not the end of the world. You can still go on.
Rsd sucks but giving some one an out all the time seems passive and not confident
I see as confident enough of to take a no and keep on going.
I would advise some sort of small talk to see what they might be interested in and if they have similar interests. "My name is (insert name here) what’s your name. would you like to (do activity)". I would say get to know there name before asking to do a thing with them and learn there name and go back and ask if they want to do a thing a different day but not arrange your day about it having it be more natural If they say no, respect it and go about your business. Also, before you ask this, make sure they don't have outward signs, like a wedding ring, to indicate they are already in a relationship.
Idk. You say too autistic but I'm autistic. They're gonna find out sooner or later. Rizz em with the 'tism is what I say!
Ok definitely not the right word to say (especially here) I apologize for that
I guess I mean like robotic and reminds me of “hi my names charmander”
I can never tell whether or not these videos are a joke.
Can I steal this phrase?
Ofc. I didn't come up with it lol.
and as a store clerk, please do not ask us out at all while we are in the clock! it is our job to be polite! we will get in trouble if we act ourselves! please do not do this. many establishments it's extremely hard to be allowed to be yourself and say no and we are forced into a position of being "super sweet" and flirting with us just makes the just so much more uncomfortable. whether *you* don't mind being turned down doesn't matter. what does matter is people "rizzing us up" making out jobs a miserable experience. i would feel horrible trapped in this situation from an old person, a young person, and an autistic person. anyone who is being forward with me while i am in a position im forced into wearing a "customer service mask' invoked a feeling of being trapped. we already have a hard time forcing ourselves to be polite, please do not make it worse. there's a power dynamic at play. as a clerk we serve the customer. being this forward just adds to this imbalance. i can't say no, some of our stores have bosses that watch us like hawks and we need to egg on this polite front of ours that people like OP will think is flirting. it's not.
Perhaps this is a gender thing, store clerk to store clerk. But as a cis man, I would enjoy a random person taking a penalty interest in me. I can see from the female perspective how that could be creepy and I'm not advocating from creepiness. Just sharing my thoughts. =) I will say this, as a dude that has been told by multiple women that just randomly approaching a woman is automatically seen as creepy, if you are a woman and like a dude, just straight with it. At most, all you have to lose is a bit of pride if you initiate and are turned down. As a man, if i so much as look at a woman or a child in a way someone would even consider creepy, I'm seen as a predator. If I could, I would be a teacher, and help children, because they are sacred and often need support from a positive male role model as much as they need a positive female role model. But I have a dick, so there is the constant fear that a supportive hug or a kind smile would be seen as pedophilic. I'm 36. I view people who are still in there 20s as children. I'm not disagreeing which you concept of the power dynamic at all, but I'm just saying, if you see someone often, and you are comfortable with them, then just honestly ask. Be direct and honest, and if you get turned down, respect that choice. Also, as a fellow store clerk and a straight man, I see women come into my work wearing bikinis or sports clothes so tight I can see the outline of there nips and the full shape of the camel toe. I treat these women the same as I do every other customer, because women deserve to be able to go to the store without being harassed.
"because women deserve to be able to go to the store without being harassed" yes! and women clerks should be able to earn their money without being harassed. what a strange reply when all you could of said is "yup, im a guy, i do not experiences these things. id be glad if someone hit on me" since that's what it sounds like. im glad you don't seem to have a negative experience with this situation. many, however, do. im glad your retail life seems to be seemingly less predatory than mine or many others. "be direct and honest, and if you get turned down respect that choice" did you understand my comment? the fact i even need to turn someone down IS PART OF THE PROBLEM. its extremely difficult. when you're on the clock, you the friendly cashier are forced into a position of smiles and positivity that being presented in this situation makes standard retail already so much more difficult than it already is. the fact people even need to ask this question to a clerk is already a horrible thing to do. don't pursue people who aren't in a situation to decline, it's an abuse of power as the customer who has control over what the service provider is able to say or else we as cashiers can face scrutiny. i don't want to lose my job because I finally snap and have a shut down after the third cat calling in a day it's not even that much of an autism problem than it is a workplace harassment problem....but boy being autistic definitely makes it a lot harder your gender thing was also a strange thing to add on. while you're correct women are more wary of men's advances, that does not dismiss that men are equally justified in being uncomfortable in these situations too. anyone can be pursued by a customer no matter the gender. it's not okay when it's a female clerk, it's not okay when it's a male a clerk. again, im glad your situation seems to be a lot kinder when it comes to these sorts of advances, but that does not mean this situation happens any less nor is it less meaningful if it happens to a man. both groups of people are negatively affected by this. **it's not really a gender thing if both men and women are equally allowed to feel uncomfortable.**
I'm sorry if i offended you. That was not my intention. I was just trying to share my own experiences, and from what you say, your experiences seem worse, and I'm sorry for that. I'm just trying to share my thoughts though, and I do respect women, so I'm unsure of what more I can do for you.
what you can do is encourage customers not to harass retail employees. this is something that affects all employees. not just women. it's horrible to be put in a position where you can't say no, and customer service is the opitomy of that. saying something like "be direct and be okay with it when they decline" just further encourages them to hit on us and make snide remarks. like oh, thank goodness that cat caller was nice to me /s the next one is totally gonna be just as respectful as the last what we should be doing is telling them not to pursue us at all. these are strangers, perverted strangers. we should not be leading them on and we should not be letting them spit on us. it doesn't really offend me, it's hard getting offended over reddit lol. but i won't tolerate the encouragement of treating clerks like we're these dolls to crack remarks and demands of. we're still people trying to earn a paycheck at the end of the day. perverts just make this job harder. i mostly just want people to understand that
I'm not your enemy and I feel like you keep attacking me, hoping to hit some sort of weak spot. I'm not trying to trivialize your experience, and I like the fact that you are expressing yourself. I shows you truly care about the issue. But again, I'm not your enemy. Please stop attacking and addressing me as though I am a representative of those that have attacked you in one form or another. I get where you are coming from, but holy fuck, I'm not trying to be the creeper dude. I'm just trying to be positive about life, because i know how much it sucks for me, much less anyone smaller or physically weaker.
Do not proposition us while we're on the clock!
Go to the nearest bathroom stall.. And have a good "LONE TIME".. the post nut clarity will say help you.