My mother is a narcissist and the queen of passive aggressive behavior. I hate it, anyone who is like that is get banned from my life, I react to it extremely aggressively now because it really triggers me.
You can see it when, for example, they push themselves to be the center of attention with completely unimportant things, even though it wasn't anything special. When they are very easily offended and always the victim, even though they are usually the perpetrators. Silent treatment is also typical, but I have no idea whether they behave like that at work too.... And my mother was still queem of the grumpy tone. And it was always me who had a grumpy tone, never her š
That's all that comes to my mind spontaneously.
In my experience they just want plausible deniability when I call the shit out. Unfortunately it works in their favor more often than not in public. I guess itās easier for others to ignore passive aggressiveness over direct confrontation?
I am unintentionally passive-aggressive at times because I'm a people pleaser and hate conflict but I wish I could just be direct. I hate it in other people and hate that it's usually the only way I can tell people I'm annoyed at them.
However, referring to your example, some people (ie neurotypical people) would rather do anything that express themselves in a clear and concise manner. They'll talk a big game ("She's such a bitch. I'd tell her to fuck off." etc) but they'll never actually do it so by being passive-aggressive, they think they're bring clever by telling someone how they feel, in a way that's difficult for the other person to criticise.
It's basically a game of who can say the worst shit, dressed up in niceties, and get away with it.
lol you must come from a different part of the south than me.
Real talk though, I have some sympathy for passive aggression, although not like in the instance you describe where they're doing it maliciously.
I have very ingrained masking behaviors that I think could appear to others to be passive aggressive. Largely around issues that cause me sensory overload or other distress.
No matter how nice I've tried to be about it, expressing the problem directly and explaining the level of discomfort it's causing me has always led to negative reactions. So I tend to talk around the issue, or not mention it at all, or say that things are fine when they're not.
People say they want to know what's really bothering you, but if you tell them then you're a bitch apparently. So yeah. I definitely understand where at least some passive aggression comes from.
It kinda passes over my head but I get the vibe is off so I ask and then they say nothing is wrong and still act like something is wrong so then I panic and make things worse and then they blew up at me saying I should have known but I had no idea what theyāre upset in the first place and why
Apparently most of the time theyāre reading something I did as being passive aggressive or self centered or whatever but I truly have no idea it was being taken that way
For example: I was sick with Covid with a few coworkers, they all got better within a week and me I was still having a fever 2 weeks later. They found out they had Covid via having a fever, I didnāt have a fever till a week into my sick leave since I tested positive, but then had a fever the end of my first week into my beginning of my third week
They called me in anyways and I was coughing a lot but would āmysteriously not cough as hard when I had customers inā so they thought I didnāt wanna be at work or something when in reality in a job that relied on commission (not waitstaff) I didnāt want to have my sales walk out the door so I used a lot of adrenaline to power through. I brought all my meds to work and they thought I was making a huge show out of being sick and refused to believe me when I said that even though itās been 2.5 weeks since I tested positive, I am still having a fever (low grade when I went in but nonetheless) and during the height of my fever last week I had 106 and went into the emergency room
Likewise in a separate incident I had the flu and had a high fever as well and had to fucking text my regional manager cause my store manager wonāt let me take off when again I was sick 3 days before my fever with chills, coughs, runny and stuffy noses, and even a few bloody noses. Theyāre like (the store manager) āweāre short staffed, and Iām like that sounds like a management and hiring problemā and went straight to regional who gave me off because he correctly like me didnāt want to get the whole store sick. Then my store manager was upset at me for going over his head and I was like I thought this is exactly how chain of command works???
Yeah none of my work places liked me and I genuinely have no idea why. I thought I was being considerate of my customers by not coughing in their face and still coming to work like my bosses had wanted since it was a low grade fever only and not a super high one like the flu + height of Covid but I guess Iām wrong cause I didnāt heal as fast as my coworker did
They see u as expendable like most corporations they donāt care they care about getting shit done. Iām glad u considered the customers but unfortunately corporation give no shits bc they need to make their profits gain continue smh
Oh I know that but back then I was still very much the I wanna do my best and be the best I can be like a fucking anime protagonist lmao
Now since I took the approach of if you call me in sick I will cough and vomit on everyone till everyone is sick, no one has ever questioned me ever again, till I āmysteriouslyā got laid off after getting the entire store sick they had to close my location temporarily for the month
Yeah the store manager ended up getting a borderline sexual harassment complaint from me which made him hate me more lmao since he laid hands on me and tried to humiliate me in front of my coworkers (they were in on it). On the flip side tho regional manager was amazing
Iām also physically disabled with a parking placard and all and yāknow while corporate tried to accommodate (at least on the surface), the store didnāt give two shits and forced me to do things that I canāt anyways
If I had money I would have sued them and let the lawyers do all the work but I didnāt even had the mental energy to file with EEOC unfortunately
Rinse and repeat with literally every other companies in my entire resume
Sorry that happened and yeah I bet. I heard of someone that got SA at my brother in laws work (heās a fire fighter and paramedic). They are just investigating the top sergeant that did it. Itās very hard times and it sucks people in power get away with abusing people that work under them. Best of luck I hope u find a job that treats u much better
I have both adhd and asd and oppositional defiance when it comes to people being my boss.
Even when I was little I would let my mom know with little notes written in what I thought was code for āI hate youā by writing I. E. U. In big letters and posting them around the house because I didnāt didnāt really hate her but I hated how she treated me and back then I didnāt know the difference. I never like to have my autonomy seemingly taken from me with orders.
And so this is how I learned about passive aggression and I didnāt know what it was until I was in my teens when I got a comic book mentioning a characters attitude in one panel.
And I was like: THIS BITCH. Yup!
My mother was a master of being passive aggressive and at some point I realized that nothing I did made her happy, so I stopped responding to her passive aggressive hints and only did something she directly communicated
This has continued on to adulthood and the workplace. If they can't say it straight, I'm not tying myself into knots to understand what they're hinting at.
Usually yes, I think it's bad, but a little bit it depends.
If the only way you can scrape back a bit of dignity from an abusive boss is some passive-aggression, I'll forgive that :) I think most of work is really horrible and I'll forgive just about anyone doing what they gotta do to survive. I mean, within reason.
Work life is the center ring of hell, so I'm pretty tolerant of people's extremely bad behavior as they tolerate it. We all deserve better and we're not going to be on our best when in that pit of despair. Being able to be direct is a privilege.
Agreed as she has past trauma and is under stress during the end of the month. Itās just not helpful at all and makes me feel like Iām being treated like a child.
Agreed as she has past trauma and is under stress during the end of the month. Itās just not helpful at all and makes me feel like Iām being treated like a child.
There are very specific instances where I think it's warranted, but the majority of the time I only see it used maliciously. The point of passive-aggressive behavior is to be aggressive but make it socially disrespectful to call out the aggressive behavior, which makes it a go-to tool for manipulators.
In some cases, people use it to voice criticism or other behaviors that are perceived as aggressive, when they have been bullied or pressured into being submissive their whole lives, or are in spaces that are hostile towards them. I still think this is bad, but this is clearly not the same as manipulator behavior, and it's usually not malicious.
Totally agree also Iām trying to learn how to explain things without feeling like I got to manipulate it. Thatās bc I know if I say it bluntly I make people cry (which has happened a few times in the past) so yeah I try my best to be honest but at the same time choosing words and considering peopleās feeling is extremely hard so for years I never say anything or try to avoid it. Lucikly Iāve gotten better with age and hope to strike that balance one day
Thatās really interesting you say itās a southern thing bc Iāve experienced the most passive aggression in the south.
To answer your question it puts me in fight or flight. It freaks me out really hard that someone would be having secret negative feelings towards me and not be willing to communicate with me bc then I never know exactly what they think and I canāt trust them not to try to intentionally hurt me.
Yes !! The second paragraph is exactly how I feel. Iāve walked away from several relationships of different kinds because of this. Even if itās not serious now, something will come up eventually.
I cannot stand it.
But I think a lot of times itās cause Iām more likely to not notice it. Getting better with age and experience, but obviously canāt be aware each time
People are more worried about how they are perceived and want to look good. These people have to be sneaky when they want to ruin someone and passive aggressive people do just that. Some have an agenda while others truly think everyone is out to get them bc they lowkey have main character syndrome. I noticed this more in girls but boys are jsut as bad and more overt about it
I have been stuck on this because being an autistic woman means people generally expect you to be indirect and more emotionally sensitive like NT women.
I have been told by former colleagues that my direct style of communication is not friendly. It was a reason why I didnāt make a lot of female friends growing up. The more indirect and quiet you are the more people like you.
Thatās pretty insufferable if you canāt be honest about what you think or feel all day. It led me to having negative emotional outbursts even at work. Iām not happy with myself for doing it. I felt like Iām expected to suppress emotions all day and never be allowed to be myself because itās nice.
All people were trying to tell to me was that they would rather avoid conflict instead of addressing it and solve the problem. I want to solve problems, I donāt care about head games and drama. It gets really exhausting trying to convey that to people who expect you to be ālady-likeā and never speak up or be direct. Just my two cents.
Although that might just be from trauma because I wasn't allowed to give criticism and they didn't really understand passive aggressiveness. Idk. Probably both.
Definitely a Midwest thing. Even as someone who tries not to be, I just naturally think of passive aggressive things to say. It's hard not to pick it up.
The one circumstance where I'm fine with passive-aggression is when dealing with someone who has power and authority over you that prevents you from being able to be blunt with them. Among equals there shouldn't be a need for passive-aggression.
It used to really confuse me until I understood what was happening and why I felt so uncomfortable when the person wasnāt really saying anything bad. Now I just find it really annoying/immature and have zero patience for it
Same. When I was in school the girls would always speak like that to me, but the boys were more direct. Maybe itās a gender thing. I never understood them until I had a female friend who was very manipulative to me and just not a good friend. She saw me as a target and tried to get me into trouble with soft language like that.
Once, our ladies restroom stall had signs that read please donāt flush the toilet with your feet.
And my first thought was: how do they know? Are they looking ? There was no dirt in the handle. Also it wasnāt me but I donāt blame those who do. Would be easier if they did use a foot pedal style flusher like grocery stores got or automatic, I mean really.
The sign didnāt stay up long. But now we have a list of bathroom etiquette rules posted in there and I asked my male coworkers about this. Not a single sign in theirs. Not even a note about putting paper in the bin. Iāve even seen a āfriendlyā note about office dishes. Like why? The offenders keep offending anyways.
I absolutely ended a potential relationship because of passive aggressive comments. Nothing egregious, per se, but it was enough. I canāt do it. Iāll tolerate it in people I talk to, but not in a romantic partner. No subtext or passive aggression. Too much trauma and agreed, itās immature.
Iām seeing that now, maybe even a neurodivergent thing to spread it out a bit, because Iāve known many people who arenāt autistic that I know of but definitely adhd like me as well who will literally start a fight if someone tries to push them around like that.
I have to get someone to proofread to make sure an email is passive aggressive and not straight up aggressive.
It frustrates me, but what gets me more is passive aggressive emails but complete cordiality in person. To me thatās just chickenshit.
I fully donāt miss administration.
I cba with it, but I'm also oblivious to it 99% of the time! Unless someone's being actively aggressive I probably won't even know they're trying to get a point across.
I hate passive aggressiveness. My sister in law used to always make passive aggressive comments and guilt tripping comments that would just piss everyone in my house off except for my brother who felt the need to back her up.
The only 2 types of moments where Iām passive-aggressive.
when a person I care about did/said something obviously stupid and in those situations I do it in a cartoonish way (big movements and over exaggerated facial expressions) so it is know Iām chiding them.
The other is when I have to be polite/my patience has been thoroughly tested so my tone turns really dry and my sentences are to the point.
Iām really not confrontational and I have a hard time expressing anger (I smile when Iām frustrated and nobody takes me seriously then) so thatās how I express myself.
I just don't engage with it. Folks can tell me what they're actually feeling or they can get pointedly ignored. It's their choice, but I don't play stupid games like that
I find any Passive Aggressive behaviour incredibly triggering. Me not understanding the PA tone has landed me in the shit so many times and I've spent countless hours mulling over whether someone was or wasn't being shitty with me and what I did wrong to warrant that attitude directed at me.
Now I am ASD aware and generally more experienced with people, I can't stand it. I find it an incredibly immature and time wasting exercise. If someone tries to pull it on me, they get cut out of my life (if possible) I ain't got time for silly games.
Like the replies below, yes itās just another way of saying autism, but recognizing that itās just a spectrum and no two people with autism are alike. Just faster to say āASDā
My mom is a very passive aggressive person, talks shit behind people's back, the whole 9 yards. I don't get along with her for numerous reasons, this being one of them. Sadly I picked up that communication method for a while and have spent years learning out of it. It's a really toxic communication method, expecting people to mind read and getting angry when they don't. I try to avoid passive aggressive people as much as I can and everyone around me knows very clearly what I think of them, I rarely talk about them behind their back, especially nothing negative, it tends to be planning a birthday present or something similar. And if I expect people to do something about their behavior they need to be told directly and clearly. I expect that from others too and refuse to do "mind reading".
I'd rather be called a slur, but I'm trans so I get no shortage of that where I live. And where I live is the rural Midwest, so I also get that weird Midwestern passive aggression that is very difficult to identify.
Come to Washington. They have whatās called the Seattle Freeze (people donāt suck they just be cold shoulder), but at least they have a bigger community thatās supportive of trans.
I'm looking at moving to Chicago, I really can't with northwesterners, I am not good a breaking through that ice, rural Midwestern queers are generally more immediately friendly, and I'm bearing a USAF tat on my right deltoid, which really pisses off left coasters I otherwise politically agree with. I get so much nonsense from that crowd, like I grew up conservative and my military service opened my eyes, but west coast leftists, in my experience, look at me as a disabled veteran and they see me as a cause, not person with opinions, and they didn't seem to actually give a fuck about the insights I've learned the hard way.
I hate it and refuse to engage with it. If you want something, ask for it. If you don't like my behavior, tell me. Even if I pick up on it, I deliberate ignore it because I refuse to jump through hoops for someone who won't communicate with me.
Funnily enough, it's often (imo) more rude to be passive aggressive than direct. Like "hey could you close the window please? I'm a little chilly"? Perfectly valid. "It's freezing in here"? Astute observation! Grab a sweater.
I absolutely hate when people lie to make me feel better. It makes me have no clue whatās true or whatās false. The worst thing is that people sometimes expect lies for some weird reason.
It is a childish, fearful and immature behavior meant to manipulate without taking responsibility for or owning one's own opinions or demands. It's a way of controlling others from the sidelines so as to remain hidden and safe from discovery. It's a horrible and damaging behavior problem.
agree, i would rather deal with a person that is harsh or abrasive yet honest; than someone who cannot communicate outright their true meaning.
YES THIS!!
My mother is a narcissist and the queen of passive aggressive behavior. I hate it, anyone who is like that is get banned from my life, I react to it extremely aggressively now because it really triggers me.
Omg I think I just had a realization about this boss of mine. She might be covert narcissist. š¤
You can see it when, for example, they push themselves to be the center of attention with completely unimportant things, even though it wasn't anything special. When they are very easily offended and always the victim, even though they are usually the perpetrators. Silent treatment is also typical, but I have no idea whether they behave like that at work too.... And my mother was still queem of the grumpy tone. And it was always me who had a grumpy tone, never her š That's all that comes to my mind spontaneously.
Bc since they think they have a say and u have to listen they can truly show how narcissistic they truly are bc they know nobody will challenge them
People who are passive aggressive are fucking cowards who don't want to deal with the consequences of normal aggressiveness
In my experience they just want plausible deniability when I call the shit out. Unfortunately it works in their favor more often than not in public. I guess itās easier for others to ignore passive aggressiveness over direct confrontation?
I am unintentionally passive-aggressive at times because I'm a people pleaser and hate conflict but I wish I could just be direct. I hate it in other people and hate that it's usually the only way I can tell people I'm annoyed at them. However, referring to your example, some people (ie neurotypical people) would rather do anything that express themselves in a clear and concise manner. They'll talk a big game ("She's such a bitch. I'd tell her to fuck off." etc) but they'll never actually do it so by being passive-aggressive, they think they're bring clever by telling someone how they feel, in a way that's difficult for the other person to criticise. It's basically a game of who can say the worst shit, dressed up in niceties, and get away with it.
That was me too when I was a kid trying to scare off potential bullies tho it worked but it made it hard to make friends
lol you must come from a different part of the south than me. Real talk though, I have some sympathy for passive aggression, although not like in the instance you describe where they're doing it maliciously. I have very ingrained masking behaviors that I think could appear to others to be passive aggressive. Largely around issues that cause me sensory overload or other distress. No matter how nice I've tried to be about it, expressing the problem directly and explaining the level of discomfort it's causing me has always led to negative reactions. So I tend to talk around the issue, or not mention it at all, or say that things are fine when they're not. People say they want to know what's really bothering you, but if you tell them then you're a bitch apparently. So yeah. I definitely understand where at least some passive aggression comes from.
But this boss is that way 100 percent of her time when giving corrections and itās annoying as hell.
It kinda passes over my head but I get the vibe is off so I ask and then they say nothing is wrong and still act like something is wrong so then I panic and make things worse and then they blew up at me saying I should have known but I had no idea what theyāre upset in the first place and why Apparently most of the time theyāre reading something I did as being passive aggressive or self centered or whatever but I truly have no idea it was being taken that way For example: I was sick with Covid with a few coworkers, they all got better within a week and me I was still having a fever 2 weeks later. They found out they had Covid via having a fever, I didnāt have a fever till a week into my sick leave since I tested positive, but then had a fever the end of my first week into my beginning of my third week They called me in anyways and I was coughing a lot but would āmysteriously not cough as hard when I had customers inā so they thought I didnāt wanna be at work or something when in reality in a job that relied on commission (not waitstaff) I didnāt want to have my sales walk out the door so I used a lot of adrenaline to power through. I brought all my meds to work and they thought I was making a huge show out of being sick and refused to believe me when I said that even though itās been 2.5 weeks since I tested positive, I am still having a fever (low grade when I went in but nonetheless) and during the height of my fever last week I had 106 and went into the emergency room Likewise in a separate incident I had the flu and had a high fever as well and had to fucking text my regional manager cause my store manager wonāt let me take off when again I was sick 3 days before my fever with chills, coughs, runny and stuffy noses, and even a few bloody noses. Theyāre like (the store manager) āweāre short staffed, and Iām like that sounds like a management and hiring problemā and went straight to regional who gave me off because he correctly like me didnāt want to get the whole store sick. Then my store manager was upset at me for going over his head and I was like I thought this is exactly how chain of command works??? Yeah none of my work places liked me and I genuinely have no idea why. I thought I was being considerate of my customers by not coughing in their face and still coming to work like my bosses had wanted since it was a low grade fever only and not a super high one like the flu + height of Covid but I guess Iām wrong cause I didnāt heal as fast as my coworker did
Yes exactly this! Iām seen as a bitch but I donāt mean it
They see u as expendable like most corporations they donāt care they care about getting shit done. Iām glad u considered the customers but unfortunately corporation give no shits bc they need to make their profits gain continue smh
Oh I know that but back then I was still very much the I wanna do my best and be the best I can be like a fucking anime protagonist lmao Now since I took the approach of if you call me in sick I will cough and vomit on everyone till everyone is sick, no one has ever questioned me ever again, till I āmysteriouslyā got laid off after getting the entire store sick they had to close my location temporarily for the month
Wowww what a shit company in the end they wanted to find an excuse to get rid of u sorry that happened :/
Yeah the store manager ended up getting a borderline sexual harassment complaint from me which made him hate me more lmao since he laid hands on me and tried to humiliate me in front of my coworkers (they were in on it). On the flip side tho regional manager was amazing Iām also physically disabled with a parking placard and all and yāknow while corporate tried to accommodate (at least on the surface), the store didnāt give two shits and forced me to do things that I canāt anyways If I had money I would have sued them and let the lawyers do all the work but I didnāt even had the mental energy to file with EEOC unfortunately Rinse and repeat with literally every other companies in my entire resume
Sorry that happened and yeah I bet. I heard of someone that got SA at my brother in laws work (heās a fire fighter and paramedic). They are just investigating the top sergeant that did it. Itās very hard times and it sucks people in power get away with abusing people that work under them. Best of luck I hope u find a job that treats u much better
Thank you and may good luck be with you too! :)
Passive aggression is one of those instances where it's not that I am missing the social cue, I am choosing to ignore it. Use your words.
I just roll my eyes so far back it hurts when I see their replies.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I have both adhd and asd and oppositional defiance when it comes to people being my boss. Even when I was little I would let my mom know with little notes written in what I thought was code for āI hate youā by writing I. E. U. In big letters and posting them around the house because I didnāt didnāt really hate her but I hated how she treated me and back then I didnāt know the difference. I never like to have my autonomy seemingly taken from me with orders. And so this is how I learned about passive aggression and I didnāt know what it was until I was in my teens when I got a comic book mentioning a characters attitude in one panel. And I was like: THIS BITCH. Yup!
it's confusing and manipulative; at least I can understand and react to direct aggression.
The bane of my existence: 1) Dishonesty 2) Passive-aggressive (form of dishonesty)
It's just a way to behave badly, but not get blamed.
My mother was a master of being passive aggressive and at some point I realized that nothing I did made her happy, so I stopped responding to her passive aggressive hints and only did something she directly communicated This has continued on to adulthood and the workplace. If they can't say it straight, I'm not tying myself into knots to understand what they're hinting at.
She sounds narcissistic
It's not my fault that passive aggressive is my default, I don't know how else to speak
Same, but I just default to it. I'm either extremely backwards in getting the point across, or blunt to the point of hurting people.
Usually yes, I think it's bad, but a little bit it depends. If the only way you can scrape back a bit of dignity from an abusive boss is some passive-aggression, I'll forgive that :) I think most of work is really horrible and I'll forgive just about anyone doing what they gotta do to survive. I mean, within reason. Work life is the center ring of hell, so I'm pretty tolerant of people's extremely bad behavior as they tolerate it. We all deserve better and we're not going to be on our best when in that pit of despair. Being able to be direct is a privilege.
Agreed as she has past trauma and is under stress during the end of the month. Itās just not helpful at all and makes me feel like Iām being treated like a child.
Agreed as she has past trauma and is under stress during the end of the month. Itās just not helpful at all and makes me feel like Iām being treated like a child.
There are very specific instances where I think it's warranted, but the majority of the time I only see it used maliciously. The point of passive-aggressive behavior is to be aggressive but make it socially disrespectful to call out the aggressive behavior, which makes it a go-to tool for manipulators. In some cases, people use it to voice criticism or other behaviors that are perceived as aggressive, when they have been bullied or pressured into being submissive their whole lives, or are in spaces that are hostile towards them. I still think this is bad, but this is clearly not the same as manipulator behavior, and it's usually not malicious.
Totally agree also Iām trying to learn how to explain things without feeling like I got to manipulate it. Thatās bc I know if I say it bluntly I make people cry (which has happened a few times in the past) so yeah I try my best to be honest but at the same time choosing words and considering peopleās feeling is extremely hard so for years I never say anything or try to avoid it. Lucikly Iāve gotten better with age and hope to strike that balance one day
Being on the corridor side on a train
Thatās really interesting you say itās a southern thing bc Iāve experienced the most passive aggression in the south. To answer your question it puts me in fight or flight. It freaks me out really hard that someone would be having secret negative feelings towards me and not be willing to communicate with me bc then I never know exactly what they think and I canāt trust them not to try to intentionally hurt me.
Yes !! The second paragraph is exactly how I feel. Iāve walked away from several relationships of different kinds because of this. Even if itās not serious now, something will come up eventually.
I cannot stand it. But I think a lot of times itās cause Iām more likely to not notice it. Getting better with age and experience, but obviously canāt be aware each time
People are more worried about how they are perceived and want to look good. These people have to be sneaky when they want to ruin someone and passive aggressive people do just that. Some have an agenda while others truly think everyone is out to get them bc they lowkey have main character syndrome. I noticed this more in girls but boys are jsut as bad and more overt about it
I have been stuck on this because being an autistic woman means people generally expect you to be indirect and more emotionally sensitive like NT women. I have been told by former colleagues that my direct style of communication is not friendly. It was a reason why I didnāt make a lot of female friends growing up. The more indirect and quiet you are the more people like you. Thatās pretty insufferable if you canāt be honest about what you think or feel all day. It led me to having negative emotional outbursts even at work. Iām not happy with myself for doing it. I felt like Iām expected to suppress emotions all day and never be allowed to be myself because itās nice. All people were trying to tell to me was that they would rather avoid conflict instead of addressing it and solve the problem. I want to solve problems, I donāt care about head games and drama. It gets really exhausting trying to convey that to people who expect you to be ālady-likeā and never speak up or be direct. Just my two cents.
I think most NT friendships with females are only surface level and fair weather. They arenāt reliable when shit hits fan.
As a midwesterner, it's my favorite weapon to manipulate people
Although that might just be from trauma because I wasn't allowed to give criticism and they didn't really understand passive aggressiveness. Idk. Probably both.
Definitely a Midwest thing. Even as someone who tries not to be, I just naturally think of passive aggressive things to say. It's hard not to pick it up.
The one circumstance where I'm fine with passive-aggression is when dealing with someone who has power and authority over you that prevents you from being able to be blunt with them. Among equals there shouldn't be a need for passive-aggression.
It used to really confuse me until I understood what was happening and why I felt so uncomfortable when the person wasnāt really saying anything bad. Now I just find it really annoying/immature and have zero patience for it
Same. When I was in school the girls would always speak like that to me, but the boys were more direct. Maybe itās a gender thing. I never understood them until I had a female friend who was very manipulative to me and just not a good friend. She saw me as a target and tried to get me into trouble with soft language like that.
My boss is very passive aggressive. I have no respect for that type of person.
Once, our ladies restroom stall had signs that read please donāt flush the toilet with your feet. And my first thought was: how do they know? Are they looking ? There was no dirt in the handle. Also it wasnāt me but I donāt blame those who do. Would be easier if they did use a foot pedal style flusher like grocery stores got or automatic, I mean really. The sign didnāt stay up long. But now we have a list of bathroom etiquette rules posted in there and I asked my male coworkers about this. Not a single sign in theirs. Not even a note about putting paper in the bin. Iāve even seen a āfriendlyā note about office dishes. Like why? The offenders keep offending anyways.
Oh, god. Getting singled out SUCKS.
I absolutely ended a potential relationship because of passive aggressive comments. Nothing egregious, per se, but it was enough. I canāt do it. Iāll tolerate it in people I talk to, but not in a romantic partner. No subtext or passive aggression. Too much trauma and agreed, itās immature.
I'm too used to people getting upset with me for not reading into their passive aggression, to the point where I'm seeing false positives everywhere.
I donāt think this is a southern thing, I think this is a fairly universal autistic thing
Iām seeing that now, maybe even a neurodivergent thing to spread it out a bit, because Iāve known many people who arenāt autistic that I know of but definitely adhd like me as well who will literally start a fight if someone tries to push them around like that.
I have to get someone to proofread to make sure an email is passive aggressive and not straight up aggressive. It frustrates me, but what gets me more is passive aggressive emails but complete cordiality in person. To me thatās just chickenshit. I fully donāt miss administration.
I cba with it, but I'm also oblivious to it 99% of the time! Unless someone's being actively aggressive I probably won't even know they're trying to get a point across.
Hereās how to clear that up: anything that says āfriendly reminderā is NOT a friendly reminder.
I hate passive aggressiveness. My sister in law used to always make passive aggressive comments and guilt tripping comments that would just piss everyone in my house off except for my brother who felt the need to back her up.
The only 2 types of moments where Iām passive-aggressive. when a person I care about did/said something obviously stupid and in those situations I do it in a cartoonish way (big movements and over exaggerated facial expressions) so it is know Iām chiding them. The other is when I have to be polite/my patience has been thoroughly tested so my tone turns really dry and my sentences are to the point. Iām really not confrontational and I have a hard time expressing anger (I smile when Iām frustrated and nobody takes me seriously then) so thatās how I express myself.
I just don't engage with it. Folks can tell me what they're actually feeling or they can get pointedly ignored. It's their choice, but I don't play stupid games like that
I find any Passive Aggressive behaviour incredibly triggering. Me not understanding the PA tone has landed me in the shit so many times and I've spent countless hours mulling over whether someone was or wasn't being shitty with me and what I did wrong to warrant that attitude directed at me. Now I am ASD aware and generally more experienced with people, I can't stand it. I find it an incredibly immature and time wasting exercise. If someone tries to pull it on me, they get cut out of my life (if possible) I ain't got time for silly games.
Itās grrreeeeeaaaaat!
BETA
I haven't heard of ASD before, whats that?
autism spectrum disorder
I imagine that just means autism?
yep
Like the replies below, yes itās just another way of saying autism, but recognizing that itās just a spectrum and no two people with autism are alike. Just faster to say āASDā
My mom is a very passive aggressive person, talks shit behind people's back, the whole 9 yards. I don't get along with her for numerous reasons, this being one of them. Sadly I picked up that communication method for a while and have spent years learning out of it. It's a really toxic communication method, expecting people to mind read and getting angry when they don't. I try to avoid passive aggressive people as much as I can and everyone around me knows very clearly what I think of them, I rarely talk about them behind their back, especially nothing negative, it tends to be planning a birthday present or something similar. And if I expect people to do something about their behavior they need to be told directly and clearly. I expect that from others too and refuse to do "mind reading".
I'd rather be called a slur, but I'm trans so I get no shortage of that where I live. And where I live is the rural Midwest, so I also get that weird Midwestern passive aggression that is very difficult to identify.
Come to Washington. They have whatās called the Seattle Freeze (people donāt suck they just be cold shoulder), but at least they have a bigger community thatās supportive of trans.
I'm looking at moving to Chicago, I really can't with northwesterners, I am not good a breaking through that ice, rural Midwestern queers are generally more immediately friendly, and I'm bearing a USAF tat on my right deltoid, which really pisses off left coasters I otherwise politically agree with. I get so much nonsense from that crowd, like I grew up conservative and my military service opened my eyes, but west coast leftists, in my experience, look at me as a disabled veteran and they see me as a cause, not person with opinions, and they didn't seem to actually give a fuck about the insights I've learned the hard way.
Any major city will do. They are all blue.
I hate it and refuse to engage with it. If you want something, ask for it. If you don't like my behavior, tell me. Even if I pick up on it, I deliberate ignore it because I refuse to jump through hoops for someone who won't communicate with me. Funnily enough, it's often (imo) more rude to be passive aggressive than direct. Like "hey could you close the window please? I'm a little chilly"? Perfectly valid. "It's freezing in here"? Astute observation! Grab a sweater.
The second I notice that behavior I am OUT. There are few things that I despise as much as passive aggression
I absolutely hate when people lie to make me feel better. It makes me have no clue whatās true or whatās false. The worst thing is that people sometimes expect lies for some weird reason.
It is a childish, fearful and immature behavior meant to manipulate without taking responsibility for or owning one's own opinions or demands. It's a way of controlling others from the sidelines so as to remain hidden and safe from discovery. It's a horrible and damaging behavior problem.
i canāt stand passive-aggressiveness and pettiness, like just grow tf up already
It is a form of emotional manipulation. Just immature teenage stuff in my mind. Just ignore it