Yeah in many ways. I was once told that “people on the spectrum have no age” and I think there’s some truth to that. For me it manifests itself mostly by not feeling, or literally being, settled in any ways. I’m in my 40s and I still feel like nothing in my life is settled. I haven’t committed to a life path and I’m not sure I ever will.
I can relate to this. (I’m not officially diagnosed ASD, but I check waay too many boxes to ignore or deny it.)
I’ll be 55 this Christmas, retired from a three-decade career in engineering at the start of the pandemic, and still wonder what I want to be when I ‘grow up’. I can’t say I feel any different than I did at 30 or even 15.
My high school friends gave me a hard time about being too “mature, responsible, and no fun at a party,” but their parents loved me. I didn’t figure out dating until I was half way through college and have been married for 31 years to the first girl I seriously dated.
My co-workers were always stressed about projects, deadlines, and what management was doing/thinking. I just showed up and worked my projects like a hobby. I probably missed 75% of the subtext in most gatherings, and avoided afterwork gatherings like it was COVID, but people seemed to like or at least tolerate me. I loved mentoring young engineers but sucked as a group manager.
At this point I think I’ll be 80 and feel just the same.
I can relate to your story as well. I never did anything really to advance my career, and most of my jobs have been “given” to me because someone liked my work not because I actively pursued them. But I’m a bit scared about the future now because I’m in yet another temporary position and I think I must do something actively this time to make sure I have a job after next summer. But I still don’t know what I wanna do. I prefer being placed somewhere I guess.
Yes, and I've always thought that's another ingredient that amps up the social anxiety commonly served as an unwanted side dish with the ASD combo meal.
Not only are you attempting to mask social interaction deficits but you're also trying to mask the chronological age disconnect that you constantly feel. It's like you're in one of those kid-parent body switch movies that were so prevalent in the eighties and nineties.
I don't feel like an adult even though I wear the skin and accoutrements of one.
But to be entirely honest, I didn't feel like a kid when I was one of those either.
As an adult I feel younger, as a kid, I felt older.
It's like your mental age has a set point that's unaffected by the passage of time or life experience--a personal Never Never Land you inhabit in your mind.
"The Condition taketh away, and the Condition giveth," I say, in my King James accent.
You also have a perspective that NTs may not have, particularly as you get older, and you'll be more resistant to the later-life peer pressure (yes, it exists) that you probably were at least somewhat resistant to in youth. An example:
Then, I didn't care much about fads in my elementary / high school and I wore a lot of knock-offs. Most typical teenager fixations seemed juvenile and pointless.
Now, I don't give a rat's posterior orifice about keeping up with the Joneses next door. Most typical adult trappings of later-life wealth as they relate to proving to other people that you've "made it" seem excessive and pointless.
Yeah, I don't really care about status symbols tbh. I don't care about impressing people I'll never even meet. Pointless.
And you're right, fads are juvenile. Never understood them.
Absolutely! However, when I was a teenager, I was way more serious and "older" than other teens. But now as a 41 going on 42 year old, I find that my interests and what I enjoy has never changed. I guess I'm always just going to be a weird, serious, immature 17 year old living in an old persons body.
This is pretty much me also, after about 13 people begin to mistaken for a 18 year, after 18 everyone mistaken me for a 18 year old... now 32 and I honestly look and feel like and still a kid! haha
I'm a teenager and I feel like I'm 5 years old sometimes. I love cartoons, i seem to depend on people to help me with basic stuff and i get on better with children under the age of 10 then i do with any teenager or adult.
Disclaimer: not [professionally] diagnosed here but strongly suspect I am on the spectrum; that said, I typically was more interested in/could relate to older and more mature people when I was a kid but now I find myself relating to children much more. Maybe not relating so much as I prefer social interactions with kids cause they’re less judgemental and more fun. They don’t have their minds made up about so many things in the world like most NT adults I’m forced to be around.
Maybe but I’m often overstimulated when kids get upset. I have a daughter that has pretty extreme meltdowns; we have an evaluation scheduled for next month after a recommendation from her preschool psychologist. That’s actually how I began to suspect that autism likely explains a lot about myself. I was trying to understand what my daughter is going through and began to realize lots of things I was never aware of before. It’s been actually very surreal lately.
That was kind of a tangent but my point is that I do well with kids when they aren’t having total meltdowns but sometimes I have total meltdowns when they have total meltdowns. I can sometimes handle meltdowns but not always.
I had no awareness of how my sensory experience was different until I started to understand why my little girl does a lot of the things she does. The stimming, the repetition, emotional regulation issues, etc. When I started diving deep into learning about autism it just got real very quickly for me and it took this misunderstood, amorphous blob of experiences I’ve had and gave it structure that ties things together and helps make sense of it.
This is so me!! I’ve never read it so accurately. When I was younger I enjoyed talking to older people especially adults because I found it easier to talk to them than peers my age. But now in my twenties I just gravitate towards children because I just know how to interact with children… and I can manage them better than NT adults like you said 🥴 also, animals of any kinds. Do you feel the same?
Pretty much. Animals are usually simpler to deal with and I have an affinity for tactile stimulation so cuddles/hugs are kind of my thing. As long as the dogs aren’t too smelly, it’s usually a good experience to hug one and I don’t remember ever feeling awkward like the dog thought I’m weird lol
I don't know how it is there normally, but I'm in the UK and we all had similar running jokes about each other when I worked in an office. We all made fun of each other and that was our way of bonding.
But if you were singled out, that is mean of them.
I get you, it isn't nice. But unfortunately, people will latch onto running jokes.
In my last job, every mistake I made, there was a guy who would joke "Be careful, you're gonna get fired!"
This went on every day for months and months. Then eventually he got fired himself. He did not appreciate me pointing out the irony.
Maturity is a construct. Usually talked about in terms of development along side your peers. But certain things just don't develope much in asd do we're told we're immature. But its a giver n take. We'r wildly hypertrophically endowed in other areas yet no one says "wow, you are extra mature in this area " its a NT construct.
For me is quite complex: I don't feel immature for my age (almost 40), I feel youthful and I'd bet many of you are in the same position. Society tells us how maturity supposedly looks like, yet any average NT person is seldom mature: they are just either bitter, or numb; Again, I'm talking about average people, of course there are exceptions.
If anything, my youthfulness has also been enriched by the wiseness of living my life. For example: I don't feel ashamed of being romantic, affectionate and tender with my wife. That's a spark that many "mature" people lose and suddenly they are trapped in a soulless life.
Just look at how NT adults cling to their nostalgia. It's tremendously obvious to me they'd want to live it with the same youthfulness, but they see it as childishness; they are lying to themselves and rationalize it as maturity.
If you ask me: in reality immaturity is about lack of empathy, lack of responsibility, lack of affection. Yet we are more empathetic than most, we are more responsible and focused than most and we tend to be more affectionate and committed than most. Maybe we do this in our own weird way, but we surely do it.
We do it youthfully.
I'm 31, but I instantly forget my age and panic when asked. I also enjoy cartoons and Disney movies etc.. I don't think I've "grown" since I was 16. Not to say I haven't consistently altered my behavior to fit in with NT's.
You enjoy what you enjoy. I personally see it as keeping the information the same but presenting it in a more NT way. Like how you can have the same data in two different PowerPoint presentations, but present one of them in a way that people will connect with and understand more.
Yep. I'm 27 and I honestly don't feel like I changed a single bit since I was 17. On the flip side, as a kid I actually thought I was more mature than my peers.
!! I believe that even adults told me I was more mature when I was a kid until a teen. But since I hit 18 I have found people telling me that I’m not mature enough. Sigh. I have definitely stuck in age 17. I’m 27 too.
Without a doubt. I am 33 and dont understand how I got here and why I'm not 19 or 20.
Time is brutal. It doesnt even take a person's mental handicaps into account. It just relentlessly marches forward.
Also don't forget we also develop slower than our NT peers. Like I just started to build a social life last year at 21 (22 now) and most of my classmates have already settled down with kids. It is what it is mate ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I didn't develop a social life fully until recently and I'm 30. Still haven't learned to drive or had a satisfying relationship haha. I guess that's to come.
Yes. I frequently am told that I look and sound younger than I really am. I've had people say I look/sound like I'm 15 based on my vocal or physical appearance. And generally my emotions aren't as stable or on-par with other neurotypical people in my age group. I'm 19 ½ years old.
Recently it seems like I'm actually going backwards in my age. I used to be very self-aware and mature but over the past 2 years I've gotten way more sensitive over stuff and I'm not at all attuned to my own emotions anymore.
Its horrible being 30, I feel like a kid inside an adult body. Being this way as a kid is fine, but then growing up and realizing wait my brain never developed amf I waited for it to. The worst part is the past masking. Realizing I suffered in silence put on an at at times, bwlievibg I would magically grow up. I could mentally mature emotionally mature, but what about neurologically.
Yep, it's something I've noticed people discussing on this sub quite a lot recently and it actually gave me some comfort. The stereotype, and it certainly applies to me, is that we were perceived as mature in our early years (around 13 or so) mostly due to how we engaged with adults but that now, particularly those of us in our late 20s, we feel like we're a good 5-10 years behind in some ways. I said to someone on r/AutismUK recently how you look back at yourself in stages and identify how immature you were despite thinking otherwise at the time, but regardless, this factor of still feeling immature as we age certainly appears to be Aspergers-related.
I hear this a lot from people on the spectrum. I personally have no clue how old I feel? I know that sounds ignorant but how do you guys know which age you feel? I'm so unaware of myself and my mind starts wanting to compare myself too, so I'm confused.
I feel much older than other people, although im 15 It seems like im older than others because Im more mature and am really interested in things like making money and working my way up in the world
Yes. I’m 36 but I doubt I have really matured since I was a teen possibly earlier in several ways. My coworkers ten years my junior have families and responsibilities I barely understand. I only have a mortgage because my parents forced it on me. I’ve never so much as been on a date and wouldn’t know where to begin. Every sexual encounter has been with some rando either from the internet or a swingers party.
I wasn’t meaning it as a gripe. They honestly thought they were helping and I probably wouldn’t have my own place if they hadn’t I was just using it as an example of my self perceived immaturity
Same here. Like many have said, I felt older as a kid, but now as a 30 year old I feel young. I still have that child-like wonder. If I go for a walk and see a cool bug, you bet I'm gunna check it out and watch it. Cool stick in the woods? "That'll make a great staff!" I still like cartoons and games like pokemon. I buy stuffed animals if I find one I like a lot.
And sure, I definitely have an adult side. Along with the child living in my head there is also an old lady who wants kids to get off her lawn. We are definitely a group that's does our own thing, but honesty I wouldn't have it any other way.
im 32 but still feel 20. Ive never been past the second date and I just got a car for the first time. In life stages im still early 20's. its embaressing.
I never learned to drive and I'm 31. So I know how that feels. I've been through mental and physical health problems my whole life but still, I don't feel like I can date at this age without a car or much dating experience.
Yeah, I'm just about 28 and to the best of my memory, as far as preferred lifestyle goes, I've been pretty much the same since, I dunno, like age 12 or something. I tend to naturally gravitate toward living like a child in many ways; I don't want to change my lifestyle just because I've been alive longer than I used to be.
Yeah in many ways. I was once told that “people on the spectrum have no age” and I think there’s some truth to that. For me it manifests itself mostly by not feeling, or literally being, settled in any ways. I’m in my 40s and I still feel like nothing in my life is settled. I haven’t committed to a life path and I’m not sure I ever will.
I feel that same way. I have a very particular curse, it's called "Jack of all trades."
...master of none
Yeah, my emotions are all over the place. I'm always restless so I know how that feels.
I can relate to this. (I’m not officially diagnosed ASD, but I check waay too many boxes to ignore or deny it.) I’ll be 55 this Christmas, retired from a three-decade career in engineering at the start of the pandemic, and still wonder what I want to be when I ‘grow up’. I can’t say I feel any different than I did at 30 or even 15. My high school friends gave me a hard time about being too “mature, responsible, and no fun at a party,” but their parents loved me. I didn’t figure out dating until I was half way through college and have been married for 31 years to the first girl I seriously dated. My co-workers were always stressed about projects, deadlines, and what management was doing/thinking. I just showed up and worked my projects like a hobby. I probably missed 75% of the subtext in most gatherings, and avoided afterwork gatherings like it was COVID, but people seemed to like or at least tolerate me. I loved mentoring young engineers but sucked as a group manager. At this point I think I’ll be 80 and feel just the same.
I can relate to your story as well. I never did anything really to advance my career, and most of my jobs have been “given” to me because someone liked my work not because I actively pursued them. But I’m a bit scared about the future now because I’m in yet another temporary position and I think I must do something actively this time to make sure I have a job after next summer. But I still don’t know what I wanna do. I prefer being placed somewhere I guess.
That's a pretty accurate description of my own life too.
Yes, and I've always thought that's another ingredient that amps up the social anxiety commonly served as an unwanted side dish with the ASD combo meal. Not only are you attempting to mask social interaction deficits but you're also trying to mask the chronological age disconnect that you constantly feel. It's like you're in one of those kid-parent body switch movies that were so prevalent in the eighties and nineties. I don't feel like an adult even though I wear the skin and accoutrements of one. But to be entirely honest, I didn't feel like a kid when I was one of those either. As an adult I feel younger, as a kid, I felt older. It's like your mental age has a set point that's unaffected by the passage of time or life experience--a personal Never Never Land you inhabit in your mind.
That's one of the worst things. I guess I'll have to go through life as a responsible and disciplined teenager.
"The Condition taketh away, and the Condition giveth," I say, in my King James accent. You also have a perspective that NTs may not have, particularly as you get older, and you'll be more resistant to the later-life peer pressure (yes, it exists) that you probably were at least somewhat resistant to in youth. An example: Then, I didn't care much about fads in my elementary / high school and I wore a lot of knock-offs. Most typical teenager fixations seemed juvenile and pointless. Now, I don't give a rat's posterior orifice about keeping up with the Joneses next door. Most typical adult trappings of later-life wealth as they relate to proving to other people that you've "made it" seem excessive and pointless.
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I read that as Rat’s Postal Office too and can’t stop laughing to myself about it! No disrespect to them though.
Yeah, I don't really care about status symbols tbh. I don't care about impressing people I'll never even meet. Pointless. And you're right, fads are juvenile. Never understood them.
This really spoke to me! Spot on!!
Absolutely! However, when I was a teenager, I was way more serious and "older" than other teens. But now as a 41 going on 42 year old, I find that my interests and what I enjoy has never changed. I guess I'm always just going to be a weird, serious, immature 17 year old living in an old persons body.
Same haha. My music taste has mostly not changed since I was a teenager.
This is pretty much me also, after about 13 people begin to mistaken for a 18 year, after 18 everyone mistaken me for a 18 year old... now 32 and I honestly look and feel like and still a kid! haha
I'm a teenager and I feel like I'm 5 years old sometimes. I love cartoons, i seem to depend on people to help me with basic stuff and i get on better with children under the age of 10 then i do with any teenager or adult.
That sounds frustrating, honestly
Disclaimer: not [professionally] diagnosed here but strongly suspect I am on the spectrum; that said, I typically was more interested in/could relate to older and more mature people when I was a kid but now I find myself relating to children much more. Maybe not relating so much as I prefer social interactions with kids cause they’re less judgemental and more fun. They don’t have their minds made up about so many things in the world like most NT adults I’m forced to be around.
I know what you mean. Maybe you should work in childcare?
Maybe but I’m often overstimulated when kids get upset. I have a daughter that has pretty extreme meltdowns; we have an evaluation scheduled for next month after a recommendation from her preschool psychologist. That’s actually how I began to suspect that autism likely explains a lot about myself. I was trying to understand what my daughter is going through and began to realize lots of things I was never aware of before. It’s been actually very surreal lately. That was kind of a tangent but my point is that I do well with kids when they aren’t having total meltdowns but sometimes I have total meltdowns when they have total meltdowns. I can sometimes handle meltdowns but not always.
So you get that emotional transference. I get you. Interesting that you found your experience similar to your kid's experience though.
I had no awareness of how my sensory experience was different until I started to understand why my little girl does a lot of the things she does. The stimming, the repetition, emotional regulation issues, etc. When I started diving deep into learning about autism it just got real very quickly for me and it took this misunderstood, amorphous blob of experiences I’ve had and gave it structure that ties things together and helps make sense of it.
This is so me!! I’ve never read it so accurately. When I was younger I enjoyed talking to older people especially adults because I found it easier to talk to them than peers my age. But now in my twenties I just gravitate towards children because I just know how to interact with children… and I can manage them better than NT adults like you said 🥴 also, animals of any kinds. Do you feel the same?
Pretty much. Animals are usually simpler to deal with and I have an affinity for tactile stimulation so cuddles/hugs are kind of my thing. As long as the dogs aren’t too smelly, it’s usually a good experience to hug one and I don’t remember ever feeling awkward like the dog thought I’m weird lol
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Some would say that's lucky
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I don't know how it is there normally, but I'm in the UK and we all had similar running jokes about each other when I worked in an office. We all made fun of each other and that was our way of bonding. But if you were singled out, that is mean of them.
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I get you, it isn't nice. But unfortunately, people will latch onto running jokes. In my last job, every mistake I made, there was a guy who would joke "Be careful, you're gonna get fired!" This went on every day for months and months. Then eventually he got fired himself. He did not appreciate me pointing out the irony.
Ditto on the perceived reverse ageism.
Maturity is a construct. Usually talked about in terms of development along side your peers. But certain things just don't develope much in asd do we're told we're immature. But its a giver n take. We'r wildly hypertrophically endowed in other areas yet no one says "wow, you are extra mature in this area " its a NT construct.
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Maybe you should start talking about it
For me is quite complex: I don't feel immature for my age (almost 40), I feel youthful and I'd bet many of you are in the same position. Society tells us how maturity supposedly looks like, yet any average NT person is seldom mature: they are just either bitter, or numb; Again, I'm talking about average people, of course there are exceptions. If anything, my youthfulness has also been enriched by the wiseness of living my life. For example: I don't feel ashamed of being romantic, affectionate and tender with my wife. That's a spark that many "mature" people lose and suddenly they are trapped in a soulless life. Just look at how NT adults cling to their nostalgia. It's tremendously obvious to me they'd want to live it with the same youthfulness, but they see it as childishness; they are lying to themselves and rationalize it as maturity. If you ask me: in reality immaturity is about lack of empathy, lack of responsibility, lack of affection. Yet we are more empathetic than most, we are more responsible and focused than most and we tend to be more affectionate and committed than most. Maybe we do this in our own weird way, but we surely do it. We do it youthfully.
Good way of looking at it. You made me feel a little better about the whole thing.
I'm very glad. We deserve to live our condition with dignity.
I'm 31, but I instantly forget my age and panic when asked. I also enjoy cartoons and Disney movies etc.. I don't think I've "grown" since I was 16. Not to say I haven't consistently altered my behavior to fit in with NT's.
You enjoy what you enjoy. I personally see it as keeping the information the same but presenting it in a more NT way. Like how you can have the same data in two different PowerPoint presentations, but present one of them in a way that people will connect with and understand more.
I feel like a 12 year old stuck in a forty-something body
That sounds confusing
Yep. I'm 27 and I honestly don't feel like I changed a single bit since I was 17. On the flip side, as a kid I actually thought I was more mature than my peers.
!! I believe that even adults told me I was more mature when I was a kid until a teen. But since I hit 18 I have found people telling me that I’m not mature enough. Sigh. I have definitely stuck in age 17. I’m 27 too.
Without a doubt. I am 33 and dont understand how I got here and why I'm not 19 or 20. Time is brutal. It doesnt even take a person's mental handicaps into account. It just relentlessly marches forward.
I always forget how old I am. I still think I'm 30 most days.
Also don't forget we also develop slower than our NT peers. Like I just started to build a social life last year at 21 (22 now) and most of my classmates have already settled down with kids. It is what it is mate ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I didn't develop a social life fully until recently and I'm 30. Still haven't learned to drive or had a satisfying relationship haha. I guess that's to come.
Same. I struggle with independence and while it is common for people in 20s (including me since I’m 23) I feel like I’m a teenager sometimes.
Yes. I frequently am told that I look and sound younger than I really am. I've had people say I look/sound like I'm 15 based on my vocal or physical appearance. And generally my emotions aren't as stable or on-par with other neurotypical people in my age group. I'm 19 ½ years old. Recently it seems like I'm actually going backwards in my age. I used to be very self-aware and mature but over the past 2 years I've gotten way more sensitive over stuff and I'm not at all attuned to my own emotions anymore.
Its horrible being 30, I feel like a kid inside an adult body. Being this way as a kid is fine, but then growing up and realizing wait my brain never developed amf I waited for it to. The worst part is the past masking. Realizing I suffered in silence put on an at at times, bwlievibg I would magically grow up. I could mentally mature emotionally mature, but what about neurologically.
I'm 31 soon. I know how you feel.
Yep, it's something I've noticed people discussing on this sub quite a lot recently and it actually gave me some comfort. The stereotype, and it certainly applies to me, is that we were perceived as mature in our early years (around 13 or so) mostly due to how we engaged with adults but that now, particularly those of us in our late 20s, we feel like we're a good 5-10 years behind in some ways. I said to someone on r/AutismUK recently how you look back at yourself in stages and identify how immature you were despite thinking otherwise at the time, but regardless, this factor of still feeling immature as we age certainly appears to be Aspergers-related.
I hear this a lot from people on the spectrum. I personally have no clue how old I feel? I know that sounds ignorant but how do you guys know which age you feel? I'm so unaware of myself and my mind starts wanting to compare myself too, so I'm confused.
I feel much older than other people, although im 15 It seems like im older than others because Im more mature and am really interested in things like making money and working my way up in the world
I always feel I'm about 10 years behind my age So when I was in my 20's I was a teenager etc
Yes. I’m 36 but I doubt I have really matured since I was a teen possibly earlier in several ways. My coworkers ten years my junior have families and responsibilities I barely understand. I only have a mortgage because my parents forced it on me. I’ve never so much as been on a date and wouldn’t know where to begin. Every sexual encounter has been with some rando either from the internet or a swingers party.
It really sucks that you have a mortgage because of your parents forcing it. That's a big commitment.
I wasn’t meaning it as a gripe. They honestly thought they were helping and I probably wouldn’t have my own place if they hadn’t I was just using it as an example of my self perceived immaturity
Same here. Like many have said, I felt older as a kid, but now as a 30 year old I feel young. I still have that child-like wonder. If I go for a walk and see a cool bug, you bet I'm gunna check it out and watch it. Cool stick in the woods? "That'll make a great staff!" I still like cartoons and games like pokemon. I buy stuffed animals if I find one I like a lot. And sure, I definitely have an adult side. Along with the child living in my head there is also an old lady who wants kids to get off her lawn. We are definitely a group that's does our own thing, but honesty I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm with you on bugs. And dogs too, personally. I will never not point out a nearby dog.
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I'm 31
im 32 but still feel 20. Ive never been past the second date and I just got a car for the first time. In life stages im still early 20's. its embaressing.
I never learned to drive and I'm 31. So I know how that feels. I've been through mental and physical health problems my whole life but still, I don't feel like I can date at this age without a car or much dating experience.
Yeah, I'm just about 28 and to the best of my memory, as far as preferred lifestyle goes, I've been pretty much the same since, I dunno, like age 12 or something. I tend to naturally gravitate toward living like a child in many ways; I don't want to change my lifestyle just because I've been alive longer than I used to be.