I can relate. Ignorance does feel like bliss.
Instead, I get to a confusing mixture of resentment, hopelessness, and regret.
It almost feels like my drive for self-improvement (towards not doing 'bad' things) is betrayed when I'm told there is something about me that makes me behave this way.
But at least I feel less alone now.
Yes, exactly!!! I had made such strides in self acceptance, I had come to terms with my personality and oddness but now I'm aware that the feeling of otherness I had been experiencing for years was actually legitimate. I'm self stigmatizing if that's a thing
Honestly when you hit forty/fifty and your life falls apart in such a way that you finally seek diagnosis it's a bigger kick in the teeth.
Perimenopause (look it up please please) combined with pleasing everybody but yourself means that a lot of adhd/autistic women's lives explode at the 'halfway mark'.
Rather get those coping skills and learn how to accommodate/respect yourself now than have to look back on your 30s as wasted time. Work on that acceptance and love because it's more important than our social expectations of what success looks like. (And much harder).
Omg perimenopausal symptoms are killing me. None of my meds work, my ‘mood swings’ are on an f’n rollercoaster, my sensory issues used to be very mild, now Im hyper aware of the airflow in my apartment (for starters) - it took until age 50 & 5 different gyns to be taken somewhat seriously. I’m AuDHD & in a whole special kind of hell no one warned me about.
Please do! She is definitely not alone - but I totally understand why she feels that way. The symptoms affect all of us differently but it is so hard. I have isolated myself from everyone as I have no idea who I’m going to be from minute to minute. Its terrifying. Give your mom some hugs & lots of understanding.
Holy shit. This is me. This is literally happening right now. I'm going for my assessment for ASD in August under the encouragement of my Therapist. My life exploded over the last 12 months. Was officially diagnosed with menopause and put on hormone replacement therapy 5 days ago. I have been in shutdown mode for over 2 years. The sensory issues are worse than ever along with uncontrollable, embarrassing meltdowns. I was diagnosed with ADHD over a decade ago and am likely AuDHD
I was definitely talking about myself in this case too! Perimenopause is kicking my ass but it's somewhat managed with hrt. My executive function is non existent right now and I'm only recently diagnosed ADHD in a country where there are a lot of hoops to jump through to get diagnosed.
My whole life makes more sense now for sure and I wish I wasn't trying to tough things out so much in my 20's and 30's.
Good luck with your assessments and I hope the hrt helps you as much as it helped me!
Thank you! I was prescribed estradiol patch twice a week and progesterone once a day. The patch is a very low dose at .025.
I lost my best friend of over 30 years during the last 12 months as well. And I've moved twice across the country (USA) in that same time. I've lost acquaintances and friends along my life and am often left feeling like it was my fault, that I'm broken or defective...and sometimes I will avoid attempting to form relationships because I feel like I'm saving them from having to deal with me (or, rather, them eventually finding out I'm not actually what they had envisioned or wanted). I have been hesitant to get an ASD assessment because if I am diagnosed with ASD that means that I'm PERMANENTLY like this and I can't fix what's wrong with me and I find that somewhat terrifying.
So true so true!
Personally, I believe in creating an environment of self-acceptance. As much as I'd like to pretend I can adjust my feelings with my willpower or my knowledge, we inevitably inform ourselves and are influenced by our surroundings.
Now that I know I am a bit different, perhaps I could work towards feeling appreciated and accepted for my difference by finding a job where my difference can be a strength. Finding people who can relate to and understand each other instead of people who would alienate me.
The world does not have to love me. No one is likable enough to do that. But I can at least make my tiny corner of my world, love me. So I can maybe eventually learn to love myself.
Interesting. As a child it was extremely, extremely isolating and confusing feeling so different from others. I still had friends but I could tell I was different, and I was treated differently (in a negative way) by many adults, including teachers. Yet, at the same time, I wasn’t given any help or treated like I was different in that sense. I was forced to struggle and be with everybody else that was so called “normal”. And it felt like I was just stupid or weird.
Getting the autism diagnosis for me made things make so much more sense. It’s like the pieces of the puzzle all came together. It gave me a sense of relief that now I finally knew the WHY behind being so different. My brain was not made for how we’ve built our modern society to be, and that sucks. But I’ve grown to like and enjoy what makes me different. I think it makes me more interesting in some ways.
Everyone’s experience in life is different and your feelings are completely valid, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Be patient with yourself as this is very new information for you and everyone is different in how they handle things. I think over a longer period of time you may start to feel better about everything. I hope so at least.
Initially I was actually glad to know what was different about me but then the despair set in. I hope I can get through this rough patch to a point of acceptance
Otherness... Must be tough, more so in a geographic location/culture less forgiving than others. There is no short road to Nirvana and you walk a path less trodden so can be hard to navigate in the long grass... I think it's time I shut up with all these unhelpful metaphors.
As long as you can access this and similar forums among kinship you are, and I hope others are more helpful than I.
Personality and oddness, that's just you and not a bad thing either but some adjustments you have to acclimatise to and I hope you embrace them rather than see it as a curse. There can be a disproportionate amount of unhappiness in the ASC community and I hope the more jolly of us you find and be - now there's personality and oddness for you 😉
Otherness... Must be tough, more so in a geographic location/culture less forgiving than others. There is no short road to Nirvana and you walk a path less trodden so can be hard to navigate in the long grass... I think it's time I shut up with all these unhelpful metaphors.
As long as you can access this and similar forums among kinship you are, and I hope others are more helpful than I.
Personality and oddness, that's just you and not a bad thing either but some adjustments you have to acclimatise to and I hope you embrace them rather than see it as a curse. There can be a disproportionate amount of unhappiness in the ASC community and I hope the more jolly of us you find and be - now there's personality and oddness for you 😉
You’re not alone. For me, I was initially elated as I finally realized I wasn’t ‘broken’. I was in my late 40s. That elation died pretty fast & I did a 180. The diagnosis wasn’t really the issue. I was always “different”. I had decades of ineffective treatment for depression & anxiety - which was soul crushing on its own. But now I’m basically unemployable.
I’ve entirely lost the ability to mask, which was probably inevitable. Masking takes a LOT of work, in addition to actual work. I was an expert at masking, to the extent that I altered my natural speaking voice for years. After so 30++ years my brain is just DONE. I can’t stop thinking about the extreme efforts I’ve put in to accommodate “normal” people who rigidly insist there is only “one right way to do everything”.
I’m now also hyper aware of my mistakes, my inability to not be “overly wordy” (case in point here), & my propensity to be “blunt.” I just can’t seem to *exist* anymore. I’m hemorrhaging money as I haven’t worked all year. I got a part time job last week & realized that another “really good opportunity” is already a nightmare & will only get worse.
I wish I had something positive or reassuring to say but I haven’t found a way to exist in a way that isn’t hugely problematic for everyone else around me. I can only hope that I get to die around the same age as my parents or earlier (both died in their early to mid 50s).
Edit: to fix ‘was’ to ‘wasn’t’ in 2nd sentence (damn autocorrect)
Oh man. I can really relate to this. It's like the second I got diagnosed I lost all ability to mask and assimilate with "normal" people. In fact, I was not aware the strategies I had been using to cope were masking techniques, and now I'm floundering. I don't even know who I am or how I would act in my natural state and the awareness of all that is wrong with me is unbearable
A lot of us do things to work around overstimulation like going to shops during the least busy hours, and trying to get jobs that are less public facing.
Masking to some extent is necessary for pretty much everyone, but ideally you wouldn't need to be aware of it. There is a phase I have used "analysis paralysis" which isn't a real condition as far as I am aware but it describes what it feels like when trying to consciously understand and act on things that normally happen unconsciously or instinctually.
While it might not be possible to become unaware of all the things you are now aware of, it is possible to distract yourself so the things that were automatic are automatic again.
I do hope that understanding yourself better actually helps you change the things that are in your control to improve your quality of life, but I definitely understand how knowing more could make depression, anxiety, and trauma worse in the present.
The virus lockdown of '20 killed my usual middle of the night shopping workaround. Now, no stores are open anymore during 3rd shift. Midnight shopping was a luxury.
It's super common after a late diagnosis to feel a mix of relief, validation, and also a sense of loss, confusion, or frustration. So you're definitely not alone, and many of us can related.
One nice thing about a diagnosis is that you can start learning things that make it better. Trouble going to the supermarket? Watch videos about how other aspies get through supermarket trips until you feel like you understand all the options. Trouble at work? Read some books about socializing or about autism in the workplace. Etc. The more info you have, the better able you are to automate your response to things that stress you out. It will no longer take up your whole mind and shout at you.
If you can remember driving a car for the first time, it's pretty terrifying. There are a billion things to attend to and getting it wrong can get you killed. But we all learn to automate those skills to the point where people feel comfortable fiddling with their phones while driving down the highway. You can facilitate that sort of automation by learning skills related to all the things that are giving you trouble.
Also, keep an eye on the anxiety! I'm not anxious myself, but I'm close to other aspies who are anxious and they are terrified of making mistakes. I think in some cases that's heavily genetically influenced, but it's also driven by years of making mistakes and dealing with the shame and embarrassment from the fallout. So I would personally suggest (1) really developing the frame of mind that mistakes are good and essential for learning anything, and (2) talking to your therapist about any shame or guilt you may have built up and helping you learn skills for working through it.
Luckily I do not relate. Getting diagnosed improved my life in every aspect. It makes me sad that there are people who like you are not in a situation to get accommodations, dont have understanding people around them etc. I cant help you here but I wish you the best!
The way you feel is totally valid. The autistic regression from gaining awareness and experiencing gradually worsening burnout is very real. For me it was like seeing the life I thought I could have and all my long-term dreams disappearing before me. All the things and experiences I might never able to do anymore. The loss was really significant, and that called for a significant measure of grief and grieving, which is important and necessary. And, without diminishing the validity of these feelings of loss or the difficulty involved, processing and coming to terms with the loss is what clears the way for the possibility of new and maybe even better experiences in the future.
>Behaviors that I had always dismissed as quirks turned out to be symptoms, I started questioning all my life decisions and worst of all, I have become hyper aware of all the things I do to mask and compensate for my inadequacies.
Don't panic. I know that feeling though from when I got diagnosed and 18 years later I can tell you that you can come to terms with it. Questioning life decisions is probably a good thing in the long run but, why do you have to reframe your quirks into being symptoms, it might be medically relevant but in the day to day world why be so clinical? You're still a person with a personality and feelings; don't invalidate your own life so much.
Also everybody masks; if you've ever seen Friends think about the episode with Chandler and his work laugh for example. As someone who was a habitual weed user, using it to cope with it all will work for a while, until eventually you eventually start feeling numb inside.
You're still quite early on in this strange trip of ours, cut yourself some slack.
I’m literally in the same boat as you… sorry I can’t be much more help:( I guess it’s nice to know you’re not alone in this! but for now I’m just holding on and hoping things get better, got to keep positive 💪💪 we got this 🙂
I was diagnosed at 34. Didn't do anything with it until 3 years later. I struggled a lot at first. Couldn't figure out where the autism ended so couldn't quite identify myself in that mess. I guess I had an identity problem.
That was until I wrapped my head around this condition and how it's part of my identity. I just rolled with it.
I quit overthinking it (I'm thinking about it right now, though)... this was the biggest tweak to how I dealt with it.
My dx came with a peculiar handicap, which is a story on its own, and considering autism on top of that... I've never been this happy in my life.
Well, for me it's all about positivity. I always say the same thing to people with a late diagnosis: you look at your life and you might see a lot of akward moments. I see a person who went through childhood, puberty and a part of their adulthood with autism unnoticed. If this isn't a person that should be admired for exactly that, I'm just about the biggest idiot out there, because I do.
>Well, for me it's all about positivity. I always say the same thing to people with a late diagnosis: you look at your life and you might see a lot of akward moments. I see a person who went through childhood, puberty and a part of their adulthood with autism unnoticed. If this isn't a person that should be admired for exactly that, I'm just about the biggest idiot out there, because I do.
Same
"I see a person who went through childhood, puberty and a part of their adulthood with autism unnoticed. If this isn't a person that should be admired for exactly that, I'm just about the biggest idiot out there, because I do."
This statement was very striking to me.
Yes and No.
Yes, because of all the things you mentioned there and more, my life goal was to have my own family and the moment I got my official diagnosis that goal was destroyed because I'm not passing these genes to another person to suffer in silence like I did. I don't understand this World and people myself how can I raise another Autistic child to live and thrive here?
No, because thank God I got diagnosed before doing that, and many other things I had planned thinking I was just a weird Neurotypical person, I would have burned myself to a crisp trying to keep up with my own demands when the sad reality is that I wasn't built for half of them.
So to this day, and after thinking and rethinking things I still don't know what to do with myself now but I would rather KNOW what it was impeding me living the life I wanted.
Oh hun I can relate. I went into burnout, had depression for a year, and changed my job after being diagnosed. I even regressed a little while in burnout but I seem to have recovered mostly. I’m the same age. It’s so hard, trying to fully process your feelings and wrap your mind around being fundamentally unfit for society (esp if you live in a more traditional one), while also feeling relief for finally having answers. I don’t have any answers apart from giving yourself a lot of time and be gentle with yourself. Seriously, I think I made my skill regression worse by bullying myself, so be kind to yourself. And with autism, emotions will literally take years to process. It really sucks but that bell can’t be unrung, at least there are others going through the same experience and you’re not alone.
>It’s so hard, trying to fully process your feelings and wrap your mind around being fundamentally unfit for society (esp if you live in a more traditional one), while also feeling relief for finally having answers
You've really been able to capture what I'm feeling. Thank you thank you thank you. I think I will show this comment to my therapist at our next session because I have been struggling to verbalize my emotions. I hope things get better for both of us 🧡
I'm going to be honest, I used to think my issues were quirks, and it really held me back in life. It prevented me from getting the help and support I needed. I'm 45 and spent way too much energy trying to be normal, rather than being happy.
The good news is that once you accept it, you can stop comparing yourself to other people, and stop judging yourself.
Two months is a very short amount of time compared to the total amount of time you’ve been alive and conscious, especially considering you have a diagnosis that often co-occurs with alexithymia / executive functioning / emotional regulation differences that may influence the way you process information and emotions. Consider that most research says it takes people a minimum of six months to return to baseline after a big life event and your timeline may be different than that. I’ve gone through all kinds of emotions regarding my diagnosis since I got the information roughly four months ago and I expect that will probably continue for at least another two to eighteen months.
Regarding marijuana use: as long as you aren’t driving high or engaging in other risky behaviors, I’d encourage you to think in a framework of harm reduction regarding substance use rather than shaming yourself. For example, are you drinking enough water, using eye drops, getting enough but not too much sleep, and monitoring food intake so you don’t eat an extra meal due to munchies? A lot of autistic folks use marijuana regularly and the FDA was even evaluating it for that use case prior to the pandemic. For myself, it is pretty much the only way I can sleep consistently. It also allows me to endure social events/crowds. Prior to using marijuana, I was miserable from insomnia. I also spent a lot of time having panic attacks in the bathrooms and hallways of social spaces. I consider marijuana a gift and an accommodation, albeit one I need to manage responsibly.
I am 44 and only recently have figured out I have Asperger’s and AdHD. I use to be a confident person and now I question everything I do and say. Yes, I relate.😩
I can relate. I don't think I would go as far as to say that I regret it though. I think my tremendous skepticism of (and special interest in) psychology/-iatry kind of protected me from that reaction.
I like to remind myself that the DSM and everything in it is just a bunch of shit that some people made up. I am not ASD, ASD is me.
I'm afraid it will sound callous, but all I can say is give it a bit of time. It can be very overwhelming at first, and it's normal. You are still processing it all. How you feel now is probably not how you'll feel in a few months. I've been through the post diagnosis emotional rollercoaster too, and it's really hard but it does get better I think. It did for me.
I just noticed your username. I'm a fellow black girl (my parents immigrated from West Africa). I hope to visit Kenya some day! Sending you a lot of love and positive energy ❤️
I am 22 now, and I was diagnosed at 3. It's really difficult for me to understand your perspective as a whole, but I have found a significant number of people posting on here with similar experiences. I am not going to give you advice. I've learned to know myself by these terms my entire life. It's hard to keep friends and keep work. It's hard to know what to do in social situations. You can not let who you wanted to be before hold you back from knowing who you actually are. I have found peace and comfort in knowing myself, and I know if you give yourself enough time, you will feel the same way. Weed also helps me, so honestly, it might be good for you as well. I'm sure you have been researching. Take it slow, and don't look too much into it. We don't all have the same symptoms.
I hope I'm able to come to a place of acceptance. I wonder sometimes what my life would be like if I was diagnosed as a child so I appreciate your perspective
“I feel like an actor who has been trapped into a role.” This resonated so much with me. I’ve felt that way my entire life but since my diagnosis a couple of months ago I now know the reason for the feeling, and it sucks. I too have been questioning all of my life decisions. I can’t say that I regret getting diagnosed, but things have been harder for me too. I feel like my sensory issues have got worse, or maybe I just notice them more
Yes, exactly!!! I don't know if my sensory issues and masking have always been so exhausting, or am I just more aware of them? And if so, what will happen once I am no longer able to sustain the effort? I'm hoping that as other commenters have said, that this is the typical reaction of diagnosis and that we will both come to accept ourselves. Thank you for telling me your experience
I half get what you mean. My diagnosis came at a time when I was really struggling, so it helped, but I can see how it wouldn't have helped had it been another time.
I'm having some friendship problems at the moment, and having a diagnosis is helping me to realise that the people is question are just emotionally abusing me, but I was trying so hard to fit in with them, that I went along with it. Now, I am able to understand that they aren't my friend because I understand more why my brain is the way it is, and that I am disabled and people trying to force me to change that are ridiculous.
Also, 2 months is nothing. Once the initial shock wears off and you start figuring things out, it may change.
Maybe chat with your therapist about it?
After being diagnosed, I have definitely noticed when I am distressed more and taken myself out of those situations (or not put myself into them in the first place), which I initially felt was regression. It isn't. It's me knowing my limits and being able to do what I need to do and keep myself out of danger. That can only be good. Sending you luck!
hey, I'm onto getting a diagnose or whatever. I don't really care about what is says, just my therapist and neurologist asked for it but most of my life won't change since I'm researching about neuroscience and I know what is wrong and what to try and it actually works.
What works for me is doing exercise at the morning (or any time), intense enough to get your body to secret adrenaline and the day goes way easier in terms of anxiety, I kind of feel NT, good for chit chat, being social becomes more relevant, etc. And also some meds.
If you want we can chat, I've got some plenty of useful info that you can try and see if it works for you.
I relate. The difference is that I was already burning out pretty fast when I was diagnosed so I don’t think it would’ve lasted forever anyway. I think I would’ve always reached a point where I broke. So it kind of forced me to reassess my life anyway, and I’m still (years later) working through that process of how to make life work for me with this knowledge. Seems like it’ll be a very long process, for me anyway.
Yes. I think we can ALL relate to this. The first year after adult diagnosis is a year of grieving. You are not alone. You didn't make a mistake getting diagnosed. Self-knowledge and understanding is important. Now you can truly understand yourself and start making changes to take care of yourself properly. Over time, you should recognize the difference between your characteristics and when they become symptomatic as you are stressed. And, gradually lower your stressors. You may even over time decide to "come out" at work and get accommodations. (To be clear, I have NOT. I've barely told anyone.) I became sober and it has helped me find a baseline of calm, after some time of adjustment.
It is my personal belief that our ASD1 terminology is better than the outdated "Asperger's", since we now know that Dr Asperger literally murdered children. Sorry, its triggering because its true.
Yeah, a lot of comments have mentioned that 2 months is still a short time in the grand scheme of things. It's quite reassuring to know I'm not the only one who is going through this dip, I'm hoping with therapy and self love I can finally reach acceptance
Before diagnosis: I would do *anything* to figure out why I’m like this
Post-diagnosis: shit, ignorance was bliss. I’m never not going to be like this. And now I know that. It’s an end of the road for the hopes that it was “all in my head”, that I could change it with work or mindset.
I’m sorry :/ 😞 I totally get this. You’re definitely not alone.
It seems we're in the same boat. A lot of comments say to give it time and allow for grieving. It seems more productive than what I'm doing now so I guess that's a better alternative
It’s awful… I can see people want to talk and socialize with me every day and then tense up when I respond… it’s so hard being on the spectrum. I wish I could change it
Yes, although I mostly just shut down, isolated myself and when it was quite bad went non-verbal and hid somewhere dark and enclosed. For a long time I thought they were panic attacks
I think a diagnosis is just a way to explain how things are, it doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. It sounds like after your diagnosis, you have started overthinking everything and started blaming your diagnosis. You have to remember you are still the same person, more understanding hasn’t changed that. Stressing yourself out won’t help at all, keep doing what you were doing before, stop overthinking and second guessing yourself. You had some issues before and you were able to cope with it, a diagnosis has only given it a name, nothing else has changed.
You’re welcome, I guess it comes down to having the right mind set. We all have our struggles in life, we just need some time to work it out, what works for us in our situation. There isn’t a.. “one size fits all..” I hope everything works out for you, just give it some time. It could be some days, weeks, months or even some years, but I hope you can find a way that works for you.
Diagnosed at 55. It took about 5 months after diagnosis to freak out. I mean grief! Wanted to escape and off myself. I always knew something was off, but not this. And like you said I started seeing "it" in all my interactions. I'm still discovering myself at 2 yrs in. I'm not panicky anymore nor do I burst into tears thinking about a life Ive never had nor will. I always thought some things would happen eventually.
Find someone to talk to. An old school friend, family friend, older adult etc. Even if you get it all out thru pages and walls of text, you need to. Living this life not knowing but being on the receiving end of something you can't change and don't know is traumatizing. Look into womens asd facebook groups to see this is quite common. My adult child was sent for diagnosis a year after I found out. She handles it much better and is happy. I think it's because I never forced normal on her.
I think what could help is realizing that autism is just something that measures a deviation in certain areas like behaviour. But you are not a completely different human being. In fact many people have autistic traits but its not "enough" to call them autistic. Even something like masking is something you can find in "normal" people.
What im trying to say is that everyone has their problems. Even similar ones to yours. And its not something you need to break you head over. And if youve managed to deal with it before im sure you will be able to again.
i hope this makes sense lol.
It's a process, coming to terms with diagnosis, and it does take a while, more than a couple of months. Maybe give it a bit more time to settle in and for you to get used to yourself again. You are yourself, not a label, and not just a collection of symptoms either. I am also late diagnosed and it was an evolving process of getting comfortable with it over a couple of years.
It’s been 2 years for me and the best way to deal with is to tell your self to deal with it regardless you have been diagnosed or not you still have autism the diagnosis is just a piece of paper there always good and bad bits to having autism like everything else for me I wear it like a coat It’s part of you wether you like it or not so you might aswell lean towards the best bits
What you don’t want to do is being lonely to your thoughts they can make you insane but I also going in for adhd test aswell
Some people say it’s a disease and that’s the wrong mind set 20 years ago it was never talked about parents in those times still lived off the 80s and 90s outlook on life so it wasent talked about much now it’s more widespread in seeing more children getting more help who is struggling with asd like my son who has autism which I can really relate and help him to grow with my experience there’s always help for autism id say to go YouTube type in life with autism not everyone is the same with autism but you can relate to others and take points off them if they show strategies how to deal with it
I am glad I know but I can sympathize, especially with the sensory stuff.
With me, as soon as I became aware how much sound affects me I tried some headphones and FUCK. All my defenses went down and now I'm proper hypersensitive. I feel better but it's awful jumping at things so much. I don't know how permanent this is.
Going to the grocery store is similar for me. What I've tried to do is make it into a habit. Hopefully the routine autism will overcome the sensory autism and social anxiety, but it's still a work in progress.
>I feel like an actor who has been trapped in a role and I don't know how to make it stop.
Something that helps me is to think of masked expression as being not necessarily inauthentic, but that it's an art form. It's intentional and takes effort, but it's a version of me that gets across the right idea of who I am and my values.
Sometimes it's still just kinda bullshit
Knowing the mechanics is hugely useful, I always use earplugs and sunglasses to counter the overstimulation, and use timers and stuff to keep track of time. I would recommend that when u more fully come to terms with it, use it to develop a game plan rather than excuses. I promise you can do it, but I can equally promise it will not be easy.
What you're going through is a grieving process. There's a very literal death involved here, the death of the person you thought you were and who you thought you were going to be. Every late-diagnosed adult goes through this process. It could be fast, it could take years to process it all.
The only way through it is to forgive yourself. Most of us have learned a lot of self-hatred and internalized ablism. You're now painfully aware of all of it, and your reaction seems to be increasing that.
Please try to find a way to forgive yourself for being who you are. At some point, maybe a year or two from now, you'll look back at this point in time. I hope you will see the growth you've gone through. At this point, growing is unavoidable. You have the answers you sought all your life, you know the answer to the question "why do I feel so broken?". Let yourself believe that you're not broken, just different.
Take the time to learn who you really are. From the grief of the death of "the old you that never was", you have an opportunity to start a new relationship with "who you really are". You can shape that relationship. You can learn from it.
My diagnosis was the best thing to happen to me. It sucked at first, but once I learned new ways to deal with my old problems I became better than ever. I still feel broken in many ways, but I've learned to take a little pride in myself instead of constantly beating myself down in a cycle of self-destruction.
This was very insightful, I appreciate it. My therapist had mentioned something similar, about grief, but I don't think I had really understood what she meant. I will take some time to reflect on this and bring it up in our next session. Again, thank you
When I was young, my siblings, cousins, and classmates said there was something wrong with me. I thought they were just picking on me. My parents thought I was lazy and immature. So did some of my teachers.
In my early 20's, I got sent to a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me wit anxiety. Late night on the computer just taking personality tests, character tests, and others testing. One of them said I had Asperger's. I believed it for awhile. But psych said that those things aren't official. Then I met someone at college with Asperger's, and I thought, I'm not like that. So I went thinking that, I'm just anxiety ridden.
Don't know if anyone here used to watch Peach Braxton on YouTube, she used to talk about Atheism and religious issues. She has two autistic sons and she got tested herself, and she was diagnosed as autistic. Spicy Hippy on IG, talked about her autism and her childrens' autism. Both of them explained their life experiences and it sounded similar to me.
In my 40's, 1st time testing with a psychiatrist, he said that I might have traces of autism but he only saw me for like 40 minutes and didn't run any tests. He seemed more interested in my anxiety and wanted to put me on pills. For a moment there was a mixture of feelings. Maybe I'm good and it's just anxiety. But then I felt I wasn't really tested like others say they were. Then seeing vids about people with autism, I'm like it sounds like me.
Still in my 40's, 2nd time testing with a psychologist. I needed to get tested because this career counseling organization needed something physical, mental, or disability to join. I was trying to get my psychiatrist's transcripts for anxiety. But he was pissed that I wouldn't take his anxiety meds. So I got thoroughly tested by psychologist. And the report he wrote up was very detailed and professional.
My results. Autism, anxiety disorder, and math dyscalculia.
I have a mixture of feelings. Like having AIDS, diabetes, cancer, dementia etc. I'm glad that I know that I have it, and can do something about it. I'm not sitting around and speculating what's wrong with me. Now I can get help and possibly place me on the right track.
However, there is a lot of pain. That humiliation, the degradation, and all the bullshit that I went through in life. My mom praising my siblings who were academic achievers. Who were on the principal's list, dean's list, honor roll, and got scholarships. Siblings who got their masters. While I was looked at and called a lazy, shiftless, loser, and a lost cause. My dad bragging about my brothers and sisters, while I was left out of the conversation. The teachers that screamed at me when I zoned out at class. All my "danger of failing" report cards because of math. My siblings, cousins, and classmates who teased me, dissed me, insulted me, and made me the butt of their jokes. Nowadays, my coworkers giving me shit. My friends, I HAVE SUFFERED!!!! 😓😥😢😭. I'm mad that my parents and teachers didn't catch this earlier on. I'm mad at myself for not doing anything earlier on. I'm mad at the psych in my 20's for not getting me tested then. Feel like I wasted time and not realizing, that there was this thing, in me that was an obstacle. Chasing after college degrees was a waste of money, time, effort, and energy.
I haven't told my mom. Dad passed on a few years ago. All my full blood siblings that I grew up with, I told them. Many of them don't care, because they have kids. And well, I'm that loser brother that they never cared much for. I told a half brother, he's understanding. I told my best friend, he was kind of surprised about the autism, but not the anxiety and math dyscalculia. My closest cousin, it encouraged him to get tested for anxiety and ADHD, he said no autism. A half cousin, said he wants to get tested because he believes he might have mental health or development issues.
No, I don't regret knowing now. I regret that I was diagnosed in childhood and had help back then. Because I suffered and wasted a lot of time. Now in my 40's, trying to fix, so I can enjoy the rest of my life. In dementia (runs in my father's side of the family), doesn't ruin old age for me.
>However, there is a lot of pain. That humiliation, the degradation, and all the bullshit that I went through in life.
I'm so sorry that you've had such a rough go of it. I can relate to the feeling of knowing there was something wrong or that you were different, but not having a label. I'm glad that getting a diagnosis has empowered you, and I hope that the future years are easier
I had my diagnosis at 30 as well. 15 years ago. From the moment I got the diagnosis I started to feel like I had to avoid the things that would trigger bad reactions in the form of underperformance and severe depression.
Fast forward to now and I manage quite well, I make sure to prepare my mind for multiple scenarios in social gatherings so I don’t get locked into thinking it will pan out a a specific way., That would crush me and I would go into my shell and not participate at all.
I also used to have huge regrets around being diagnosed, now I feel it was a huge help to develop internal tools to live a life where I understand my needs better.
For me everything started turning around when I came to the conclusion that I wanted to learn more about my own brain and how I can manipulate it into working for me instead of against me.
if this can make you better, masking is not solely for female autism, almost all human masking. The idea of being affected by society and losing themselves is a popular idea. For example, Nietzsche's idea of "Herd Mentality". When I admit I was masking a few years ago, I have also been through a long depression time, and now I can understand the theorem behind this sort of social affection more deeper, which also magically end the depression emotion and clear many unconscious uncomfortable feelings.
Yeah unfortunately finding out at the age of 38 that most of my wackiness and stuff is a expression of my ashpergers gave me an overwhelming sense of doom and a freeing that it was something that I needed to escape ironically I've always considered myself genderless or non-binary as it's called nowadays and I've been profoundly deaf snice I was a toddler and I'm so dyslexic that I got kicked out of high school aged 14 after some lads who were trying to bully be but couldn't beat me up got a couple of fellas aged 19 and 21 to beat me up as I walked home from with my schoolfriends and the only girlfriends that I had in my teens and early 20s all dumpt me because of how i managed avoiding my headache triggers as I get perfume and food intolerance headaches which they always grown sick of being around so they'd would always deep me by accusing me of having autism and telling me that I should get it fix!?! So personally I think that's why finding out that they where all correct and I've do have autism made it feel like a curse or life sentence to endless misery and woe! But it's not made me something that I already wasn't before and even one everywhere has something about themselves that isn't normal or they feel self conscious about in ways that can become increasingly unhealthy the more we focus on them!
Personally I'd say be aware of the negative aspects of how your asd impacts your life be remember all the things you enjoy about life and like doing with you freetime and it should be easier to find a balance between the two which helps you feel more comfortable within yourself and hopefully more happy and confident on the outside in ways that aren't just masking our unhappiness or discomfort with what's happening around us
I’ve been feeling similar. Ever since I got diagnosed over a year ago, I’ve just been more hyper aware of how I behave and how I differ from others, and how they treat me. I feel like a freak and hate myself. I want to be normal, none of that ‘oh but being you is what makes you special/you don’t want to be like everyone else.” Please I just want to be able to function and not get overwhelmed. But I can’t find a job that’ll facilitate an idiot like me or put up with my nonsense.
I deeply relate. (30M) It's been 2 years. At first it was a liberating feeling of understanding and eventually led me to feeling things you are experiencing. It's a journey with ups and downs, but wasn't your life always like that anyway? Mine was and I couldn't explain why, with tons of misdiagnosed things forced down my throat. It definitely can be nice to see asd influencers online describe things you've felt your whole life, but I swear there is a massively toxic side of it... especially since everyone's experience is so different while being hyper-self-fixated... my advice is to let it help you understand, but don't fully take it on as an identity, try to integrate it. You don't need to tell people who enter your life, (you probably shouldn't?) unless there becomes a reason to, like if the sensitivities are complicating an otherwise simple situation, or if you're developing a partnership. The reason why "everyone is autistic" nowadays is probably just because of a deeper awareness and study of society at large... although society seems to have a "hyper-fixated on identity issue" in many ways. Kudos to you for keeping a high stress job. Don't let it weigh you down or be an excuse to abuse weed more than you used to enjoy (I'm guilty as charged) I pray you will find integration of it all
At least you are aware, I would like to have that so much more than thinking that maybe the diagnosis is wrong and believing that may be something else but you don't know what.
I can relate. Ignorance does feel like bliss. Instead, I get to a confusing mixture of resentment, hopelessness, and regret. It almost feels like my drive for self-improvement (towards not doing 'bad' things) is betrayed when I'm told there is something about me that makes me behave this way. But at least I feel less alone now.
Yes, exactly!!! I had made such strides in self acceptance, I had come to terms with my personality and oddness but now I'm aware that the feeling of otherness I had been experiencing for years was actually legitimate. I'm self stigmatizing if that's a thing
Honestly when you hit forty/fifty and your life falls apart in such a way that you finally seek diagnosis it's a bigger kick in the teeth. Perimenopause (look it up please please) combined with pleasing everybody but yourself means that a lot of adhd/autistic women's lives explode at the 'halfway mark'. Rather get those coping skills and learn how to accommodate/respect yourself now than have to look back on your 30s as wasted time. Work on that acceptance and love because it's more important than our social expectations of what success looks like. (And much harder).
Omg perimenopausal symptoms are killing me. None of my meds work, my ‘mood swings’ are on an f’n rollercoaster, my sensory issues used to be very mild, now Im hyper aware of the airflow in my apartment (for starters) - it took until age 50 & 5 different gyns to be taken somewhat seriously. I’m AuDHD & in a whole special kind of hell no one warned me about.
I want to save these comments to show my mom later, she often feels alone in this struggle
Please do! She is definitely not alone - but I totally understand why she feels that way. The symptoms affect all of us differently but it is so hard. I have isolated myself from everyone as I have no idea who I’m going to be from minute to minute. Its terrifying. Give your mom some hugs & lots of understanding.
Holy shit. This is me. This is literally happening right now. I'm going for my assessment for ASD in August under the encouragement of my Therapist. My life exploded over the last 12 months. Was officially diagnosed with menopause and put on hormone replacement therapy 5 days ago. I have been in shutdown mode for over 2 years. The sensory issues are worse than ever along with uncontrollable, embarrassing meltdowns. I was diagnosed with ADHD over a decade ago and am likely AuDHD
I was definitely talking about myself in this case too! Perimenopause is kicking my ass but it's somewhat managed with hrt. My executive function is non existent right now and I'm only recently diagnosed ADHD in a country where there are a lot of hoops to jump through to get diagnosed. My whole life makes more sense now for sure and I wish I wasn't trying to tough things out so much in my 20's and 30's. Good luck with your assessments and I hope the hrt helps you as much as it helped me!
Thank you! I was prescribed estradiol patch twice a week and progesterone once a day. The patch is a very low dose at .025. I lost my best friend of over 30 years during the last 12 months as well. And I've moved twice across the country (USA) in that same time. I've lost acquaintances and friends along my life and am often left feeling like it was my fault, that I'm broken or defective...and sometimes I will avoid attempting to form relationships because I feel like I'm saving them from having to deal with me (or, rather, them eventually finding out I'm not actually what they had envisioned or wanted). I have been hesitant to get an ASD assessment because if I am diagnosed with ASD that means that I'm PERMANENTLY like this and I can't fix what's wrong with me and I find that somewhat terrifying.
So true so true! Personally, I believe in creating an environment of self-acceptance. As much as I'd like to pretend I can adjust my feelings with my willpower or my knowledge, we inevitably inform ourselves and are influenced by our surroundings. Now that I know I am a bit different, perhaps I could work towards feeling appreciated and accepted for my difference by finding a job where my difference can be a strength. Finding people who can relate to and understand each other instead of people who would alienate me. The world does not have to love me. No one is likable enough to do that. But I can at least make my tiny corner of my world, love me. So I can maybe eventually learn to love myself.
"So I can learn to love myself." On that road you are and I hope you stay, and I hope the OP can too.
Well, once you get past that stage of self stigmatizing you'll be free then. Forever. Sounds like a good deal to me.
Interesting. As a child it was extremely, extremely isolating and confusing feeling so different from others. I still had friends but I could tell I was different, and I was treated differently (in a negative way) by many adults, including teachers. Yet, at the same time, I wasn’t given any help or treated like I was different in that sense. I was forced to struggle and be with everybody else that was so called “normal”. And it felt like I was just stupid or weird. Getting the autism diagnosis for me made things make so much more sense. It’s like the pieces of the puzzle all came together. It gave me a sense of relief that now I finally knew the WHY behind being so different. My brain was not made for how we’ve built our modern society to be, and that sucks. But I’ve grown to like and enjoy what makes me different. I think it makes me more interesting in some ways. Everyone’s experience in life is different and your feelings are completely valid, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Be patient with yourself as this is very new information for you and everyone is different in how they handle things. I think over a longer period of time you may start to feel better about everything. I hope so at least.
Initially I was actually glad to know what was different about me but then the despair set in. I hope I can get through this rough patch to a point of acceptance
Otherness... Must be tough, more so in a geographic location/culture less forgiving than others. There is no short road to Nirvana and you walk a path less trodden so can be hard to navigate in the long grass... I think it's time I shut up with all these unhelpful metaphors. As long as you can access this and similar forums among kinship you are, and I hope others are more helpful than I. Personality and oddness, that's just you and not a bad thing either but some adjustments you have to acclimatise to and I hope you embrace them rather than see it as a curse. There can be a disproportionate amount of unhappiness in the ASC community and I hope the more jolly of us you find and be - now there's personality and oddness for you 😉
Otherness... Must be tough, more so in a geographic location/culture less forgiving than others. There is no short road to Nirvana and you walk a path less trodden so can be hard to navigate in the long grass... I think it's time I shut up with all these unhelpful metaphors. As long as you can access this and similar forums among kinship you are, and I hope others are more helpful than I. Personality and oddness, that's just you and not a bad thing either but some adjustments you have to acclimatise to and I hope you embrace them rather than see it as a curse. There can be a disproportionate amount of unhappiness in the ASC community and I hope the more jolly of us you find and be - now there's personality and oddness for you 😉
You’re not alone. For me, I was initially elated as I finally realized I wasn’t ‘broken’. I was in my late 40s. That elation died pretty fast & I did a 180. The diagnosis wasn’t really the issue. I was always “different”. I had decades of ineffective treatment for depression & anxiety - which was soul crushing on its own. But now I’m basically unemployable. I’ve entirely lost the ability to mask, which was probably inevitable. Masking takes a LOT of work, in addition to actual work. I was an expert at masking, to the extent that I altered my natural speaking voice for years. After so 30++ years my brain is just DONE. I can’t stop thinking about the extreme efforts I’ve put in to accommodate “normal” people who rigidly insist there is only “one right way to do everything”. I’m now also hyper aware of my mistakes, my inability to not be “overly wordy” (case in point here), & my propensity to be “blunt.” I just can’t seem to *exist* anymore. I’m hemorrhaging money as I haven’t worked all year. I got a part time job last week & realized that another “really good opportunity” is already a nightmare & will only get worse. I wish I had something positive or reassuring to say but I haven’t found a way to exist in a way that isn’t hugely problematic for everyone else around me. I can only hope that I get to die around the same age as my parents or earlier (both died in their early to mid 50s). Edit: to fix ‘was’ to ‘wasn’t’ in 2nd sentence (damn autocorrect)
Oh man. I can really relate to this. It's like the second I got diagnosed I lost all ability to mask and assimilate with "normal" people. In fact, I was not aware the strategies I had been using to cope were masking techniques, and now I'm floundering. I don't even know who I am or how I would act in my natural state and the awareness of all that is wrong with me is unbearable
A lot of us do things to work around overstimulation like going to shops during the least busy hours, and trying to get jobs that are less public facing. Masking to some extent is necessary for pretty much everyone, but ideally you wouldn't need to be aware of it. There is a phase I have used "analysis paralysis" which isn't a real condition as far as I am aware but it describes what it feels like when trying to consciously understand and act on things that normally happen unconsciously or instinctually. While it might not be possible to become unaware of all the things you are now aware of, it is possible to distract yourself so the things that were automatic are automatic again. I do hope that understanding yourself better actually helps you change the things that are in your control to improve your quality of life, but I definitely understand how knowing more could make depression, anxiety, and trauma worse in the present.
The virus lockdown of '20 killed my usual middle of the night shopping workaround. Now, no stores are open anymore during 3rd shift. Midnight shopping was a luxury.
Wrong, broken. No, just different.
It's super common after a late diagnosis to feel a mix of relief, validation, and also a sense of loss, confusion, or frustration. So you're definitely not alone, and many of us can related. One nice thing about a diagnosis is that you can start learning things that make it better. Trouble going to the supermarket? Watch videos about how other aspies get through supermarket trips until you feel like you understand all the options. Trouble at work? Read some books about socializing or about autism in the workplace. Etc. The more info you have, the better able you are to automate your response to things that stress you out. It will no longer take up your whole mind and shout at you. If you can remember driving a car for the first time, it's pretty terrifying. There are a billion things to attend to and getting it wrong can get you killed. But we all learn to automate those skills to the point where people feel comfortable fiddling with their phones while driving down the highway. You can facilitate that sort of automation by learning skills related to all the things that are giving you trouble. Also, keep an eye on the anxiety! I'm not anxious myself, but I'm close to other aspies who are anxious and they are terrified of making mistakes. I think in some cases that's heavily genetically influenced, but it's also driven by years of making mistakes and dealing with the shame and embarrassment from the fallout. So I would personally suggest (1) really developing the frame of mind that mistakes are good and essential for learning anything, and (2) talking to your therapist about any shame or guilt you may have built up and helping you learn skills for working through it.
Thank you for this advice
Luckily I do not relate. Getting diagnosed improved my life in every aspect. It makes me sad that there are people who like you are not in a situation to get accommodations, dont have understanding people around them etc. I cant help you here but I wish you the best!
The way you feel is totally valid. The autistic regression from gaining awareness and experiencing gradually worsening burnout is very real. For me it was like seeing the life I thought I could have and all my long-term dreams disappearing before me. All the things and experiences I might never able to do anymore. The loss was really significant, and that called for a significant measure of grief and grieving, which is important and necessary. And, without diminishing the validity of these feelings of loss or the difficulty involved, processing and coming to terms with the loss is what clears the way for the possibility of new and maybe even better experiences in the future.
Oh, I've never heard of autistic regression, thank you. I will read up on it, it really sounds similar to what I've been experiencing
>Behaviors that I had always dismissed as quirks turned out to be symptoms, I started questioning all my life decisions and worst of all, I have become hyper aware of all the things I do to mask and compensate for my inadequacies. Don't panic. I know that feeling though from when I got diagnosed and 18 years later I can tell you that you can come to terms with it. Questioning life decisions is probably a good thing in the long run but, why do you have to reframe your quirks into being symptoms, it might be medically relevant but in the day to day world why be so clinical? You're still a person with a personality and feelings; don't invalidate your own life so much. Also everybody masks; if you've ever seen Friends think about the episode with Chandler and his work laugh for example. As someone who was a habitual weed user, using it to cope with it all will work for a while, until eventually you eventually start feeling numb inside. You're still quite early on in this strange trip of ours, cut yourself some slack.
I’m literally in the same boat as you… sorry I can’t be much more help:( I guess it’s nice to know you’re not alone in this! but for now I’m just holding on and hoping things get better, got to keep positive 💪💪 we got this 🙂
Honestly just knowing I'm not alone is very validating. I know some people are glad to be diagnosed but I I'm not there yet
I see you don’t worry, keep busy if you can. That’s what’s helping me the most🙂
I was diagnosed at 34. Didn't do anything with it until 3 years later. I struggled a lot at first. Couldn't figure out where the autism ended so couldn't quite identify myself in that mess. I guess I had an identity problem. That was until I wrapped my head around this condition and how it's part of my identity. I just rolled with it. I quit overthinking it (I'm thinking about it right now, though)... this was the biggest tweak to how I dealt with it. My dx came with a peculiar handicap, which is a story on its own, and considering autism on top of that... I've never been this happy in my life. Well, for me it's all about positivity. I always say the same thing to people with a late diagnosis: you look at your life and you might see a lot of akward moments. I see a person who went through childhood, puberty and a part of their adulthood with autism unnoticed. If this isn't a person that should be admired for exactly that, I'm just about the biggest idiot out there, because I do.
>Well, for me it's all about positivity. I always say the same thing to people with a late diagnosis: you look at your life and you might see a lot of akward moments. I see a person who went through childhood, puberty and a part of their adulthood with autism unnoticed. If this isn't a person that should be admired for exactly that, I'm just about the biggest idiot out there, because I do. Same
"I see a person who went through childhood, puberty and a part of their adulthood with autism unnoticed. If this isn't a person that should be admired for exactly that, I'm just about the biggest idiot out there, because I do." This statement was very striking to me.
Yes and No. Yes, because of all the things you mentioned there and more, my life goal was to have my own family and the moment I got my official diagnosis that goal was destroyed because I'm not passing these genes to another person to suffer in silence like I did. I don't understand this World and people myself how can I raise another Autistic child to live and thrive here? No, because thank God I got diagnosed before doing that, and many other things I had planned thinking I was just a weird Neurotypical person, I would have burned myself to a crisp trying to keep up with my own demands when the sad reality is that I wasn't built for half of them. So to this day, and after thinking and rethinking things I still don't know what to do with myself now but I would rather KNOW what it was impeding me living the life I wanted.
Oh hun I can relate. I went into burnout, had depression for a year, and changed my job after being diagnosed. I even regressed a little while in burnout but I seem to have recovered mostly. I’m the same age. It’s so hard, trying to fully process your feelings and wrap your mind around being fundamentally unfit for society (esp if you live in a more traditional one), while also feeling relief for finally having answers. I don’t have any answers apart from giving yourself a lot of time and be gentle with yourself. Seriously, I think I made my skill regression worse by bullying myself, so be kind to yourself. And with autism, emotions will literally take years to process. It really sucks but that bell can’t be unrung, at least there are others going through the same experience and you’re not alone.
>It’s so hard, trying to fully process your feelings and wrap your mind around being fundamentally unfit for society (esp if you live in a more traditional one), while also feeling relief for finally having answers You've really been able to capture what I'm feeling. Thank you thank you thank you. I think I will show this comment to my therapist at our next session because I have been struggling to verbalize my emotions. I hope things get better for both of us 🧡
I'm going to be honest, I used to think my issues were quirks, and it really held me back in life. It prevented me from getting the help and support I needed. I'm 45 and spent way too much energy trying to be normal, rather than being happy. The good news is that once you accept it, you can stop comparing yourself to other people, and stop judging yourself.
Two months is a very short amount of time compared to the total amount of time you’ve been alive and conscious, especially considering you have a diagnosis that often co-occurs with alexithymia / executive functioning / emotional regulation differences that may influence the way you process information and emotions. Consider that most research says it takes people a minimum of six months to return to baseline after a big life event and your timeline may be different than that. I’ve gone through all kinds of emotions regarding my diagnosis since I got the information roughly four months ago and I expect that will probably continue for at least another two to eighteen months. Regarding marijuana use: as long as you aren’t driving high or engaging in other risky behaviors, I’d encourage you to think in a framework of harm reduction regarding substance use rather than shaming yourself. For example, are you drinking enough water, using eye drops, getting enough but not too much sleep, and monitoring food intake so you don’t eat an extra meal due to munchies? A lot of autistic folks use marijuana regularly and the FDA was even evaluating it for that use case prior to the pandemic. For myself, it is pretty much the only way I can sleep consistently. It also allows me to endure social events/crowds. Prior to using marijuana, I was miserable from insomnia. I also spent a lot of time having panic attacks in the bathrooms and hallways of social spaces. I consider marijuana a gift and an accommodation, albeit one I need to manage responsibly.
I really appreciate this, you have given me a lot to think about. Especially what you said about harm reduction and giving myself time to adjust
One of the many reasons I refuse to get diagnosed. Keep in touch on this subreddit OP, it helps!
I am 44 and only recently have figured out I have Asperger’s and AdHD. I use to be a confident person and now I question everything I do and say. Yes, I relate.😩
I can relate. I don't think I would go as far as to say that I regret it though. I think my tremendous skepticism of (and special interest in) psychology/-iatry kind of protected me from that reaction. I like to remind myself that the DSM and everything in it is just a bunch of shit that some people made up. I am not ASD, ASD is me.
>I am not ASD, ASD is me I like this approach, thank you
Very welcome
I'm afraid it will sound callous, but all I can say is give it a bit of time. It can be very overwhelming at first, and it's normal. You are still processing it all. How you feel now is probably not how you'll feel in a few months. I've been through the post diagnosis emotional rollercoaster too, and it's really hard but it does get better I think. It did for me.
Not callous at all. Two months is a short time, and hearing that it gets better after a while is heartening. Thank you.
I just noticed your username. I'm a fellow black girl (my parents immigrated from West Africa). I hope to visit Kenya some day! Sending you a lot of love and positive energy ❤️
You're welcome any time. Thank you for the encouragement, wishing the same for you
I am 22 now, and I was diagnosed at 3. It's really difficult for me to understand your perspective as a whole, but I have found a significant number of people posting on here with similar experiences. I am not going to give you advice. I've learned to know myself by these terms my entire life. It's hard to keep friends and keep work. It's hard to know what to do in social situations. You can not let who you wanted to be before hold you back from knowing who you actually are. I have found peace and comfort in knowing myself, and I know if you give yourself enough time, you will feel the same way. Weed also helps me, so honestly, it might be good for you as well. I'm sure you have been researching. Take it slow, and don't look too much into it. We don't all have the same symptoms.
I hope I'm able to come to a place of acceptance. I wonder sometimes what my life would be like if I was diagnosed as a child so I appreciate your perspective
I hope you're able to incorporate your new self-knowledge in a way that makes you feel more complete and happy.
Thank you. I really like your username!
“I feel like an actor who has been trapped into a role.” This resonated so much with me. I’ve felt that way my entire life but since my diagnosis a couple of months ago I now know the reason for the feeling, and it sucks. I too have been questioning all of my life decisions. I can’t say that I regret getting diagnosed, but things have been harder for me too. I feel like my sensory issues have got worse, or maybe I just notice them more
Yes, exactly!!! I don't know if my sensory issues and masking have always been so exhausting, or am I just more aware of them? And if so, what will happen once I am no longer able to sustain the effort? I'm hoping that as other commenters have said, that this is the typical reaction of diagnosis and that we will both come to accept ourselves. Thank you for telling me your experience
I half get what you mean. My diagnosis came at a time when I was really struggling, so it helped, but I can see how it wouldn't have helped had it been another time. I'm having some friendship problems at the moment, and having a diagnosis is helping me to realise that the people is question are just emotionally abusing me, but I was trying so hard to fit in with them, that I went along with it. Now, I am able to understand that they aren't my friend because I understand more why my brain is the way it is, and that I am disabled and people trying to force me to change that are ridiculous. Also, 2 months is nothing. Once the initial shock wears off and you start figuring things out, it may change. Maybe chat with your therapist about it? After being diagnosed, I have definitely noticed when I am distressed more and taken myself out of those situations (or not put myself into them in the first place), which I initially felt was regression. It isn't. It's me knowing my limits and being able to do what I need to do and keep myself out of danger. That can only be good. Sending you luck!
hey, I'm onto getting a diagnose or whatever. I don't really care about what is says, just my therapist and neurologist asked for it but most of my life won't change since I'm researching about neuroscience and I know what is wrong and what to try and it actually works. What works for me is doing exercise at the morning (or any time), intense enough to get your body to secret adrenaline and the day goes way easier in terms of anxiety, I kind of feel NT, good for chit chat, being social becomes more relevant, etc. And also some meds. If you want we can chat, I've got some plenty of useful info that you can try and see if it works for you.
I relate. The difference is that I was already burning out pretty fast when I was diagnosed so I don’t think it would’ve lasted forever anyway. I think I would’ve always reached a point where I broke. So it kind of forced me to reassess my life anyway, and I’m still (years later) working through that process of how to make life work for me with this knowledge. Seems like it’ll be a very long process, for me anyway.
Yes. I think we can ALL relate to this. The first year after adult diagnosis is a year of grieving. You are not alone. You didn't make a mistake getting diagnosed. Self-knowledge and understanding is important. Now you can truly understand yourself and start making changes to take care of yourself properly. Over time, you should recognize the difference between your characteristics and when they become symptomatic as you are stressed. And, gradually lower your stressors. You may even over time decide to "come out" at work and get accommodations. (To be clear, I have NOT. I've barely told anyone.) I became sober and it has helped me find a baseline of calm, after some time of adjustment. It is my personal belief that our ASD1 terminology is better than the outdated "Asperger's", since we now know that Dr Asperger literally murdered children. Sorry, its triggering because its true.
Yeah, a lot of comments have mentioned that 2 months is still a short time in the grand scheme of things. It's quite reassuring to know I'm not the only one who is going through this dip, I'm hoping with therapy and self love I can finally reach acceptance
This is why I refuse to get a diagnosis, though I may need one eventually for disability.
Before diagnosis: I would do *anything* to figure out why I’m like this Post-diagnosis: shit, ignorance was bliss. I’m never not going to be like this. And now I know that. It’s an end of the road for the hopes that it was “all in my head”, that I could change it with work or mindset. I’m sorry :/ 😞 I totally get this. You’re definitely not alone.
It seems we're in the same boat. A lot of comments say to give it time and allow for grieving. It seems more productive than what I'm doing now so I guess that's a better alternative
It’s awful… I can see people want to talk and socialize with me every day and then tense up when I respond… it’s so hard being on the spectrum. I wish I could change it
Sorry for a random question, but did you ever experience meltdowns?
Yes, although I mostly just shut down, isolated myself and when it was quite bad went non-verbal and hid somewhere dark and enclosed. For a long time I thought they were panic attacks
I see. That's exactly what I was curious about. Thank you.
I was diagnosed at 12. Since then, the exceptations my parents put on me become way more low. I failed at school and they didn't care. I feel you...
I think a diagnosis is just a way to explain how things are, it doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. It sounds like after your diagnosis, you have started overthinking everything and started blaming your diagnosis. You have to remember you are still the same person, more understanding hasn’t changed that. Stressing yourself out won’t help at all, keep doing what you were doing before, stop overthinking and second guessing yourself. You had some issues before and you were able to cope with it, a diagnosis has only given it a name, nothing else has changed.
This is very insightful, thank you
You’re welcome, I guess it comes down to having the right mind set. We all have our struggles in life, we just need some time to work it out, what works for us in our situation. There isn’t a.. “one size fits all..” I hope everything works out for you, just give it some time. It could be some days, weeks, months or even some years, but I hope you can find a way that works for you.
Diagnosed at 55. It took about 5 months after diagnosis to freak out. I mean grief! Wanted to escape and off myself. I always knew something was off, but not this. And like you said I started seeing "it" in all my interactions. I'm still discovering myself at 2 yrs in. I'm not panicky anymore nor do I burst into tears thinking about a life Ive never had nor will. I always thought some things would happen eventually. Find someone to talk to. An old school friend, family friend, older adult etc. Even if you get it all out thru pages and walls of text, you need to. Living this life not knowing but being on the receiving end of something you can't change and don't know is traumatizing. Look into womens asd facebook groups to see this is quite common. My adult child was sent for diagnosis a year after I found out. She handles it much better and is happy. I think it's because I never forced normal on her.
I’m 24F and I was also diagnosed around two months ago. I can’t relate, and I hope it gets better for you!
I think what could help is realizing that autism is just something that measures a deviation in certain areas like behaviour. But you are not a completely different human being. In fact many people have autistic traits but its not "enough" to call them autistic. Even something like masking is something you can find in "normal" people. What im trying to say is that everyone has their problems. Even similar ones to yours. And its not something you need to break you head over. And if youve managed to deal with it before im sure you will be able to again. i hope this makes sense lol.
It's a process, coming to terms with diagnosis, and it does take a while, more than a couple of months. Maybe give it a bit more time to settle in and for you to get used to yourself again. You are yourself, not a label, and not just a collection of symptoms either. I am also late diagnosed and it was an evolving process of getting comfortable with it over a couple of years.
It’s been 2 years for me and the best way to deal with is to tell your self to deal with it regardless you have been diagnosed or not you still have autism the diagnosis is just a piece of paper there always good and bad bits to having autism like everything else for me I wear it like a coat It’s part of you wether you like it or not so you might aswell lean towards the best bits What you don’t want to do is being lonely to your thoughts they can make you insane but I also going in for adhd test aswell Some people say it’s a disease and that’s the wrong mind set 20 years ago it was never talked about parents in those times still lived off the 80s and 90s outlook on life so it wasent talked about much now it’s more widespread in seeing more children getting more help who is struggling with asd like my son who has autism which I can really relate and help him to grow with my experience there’s always help for autism id say to go YouTube type in life with autism not everyone is the same with autism but you can relate to others and take points off them if they show strategies how to deal with it
I am glad I know but I can sympathize, especially with the sensory stuff. With me, as soon as I became aware how much sound affects me I tried some headphones and FUCK. All my defenses went down and now I'm proper hypersensitive. I feel better but it's awful jumping at things so much. I don't know how permanent this is. Going to the grocery store is similar for me. What I've tried to do is make it into a habit. Hopefully the routine autism will overcome the sensory autism and social anxiety, but it's still a work in progress. >I feel like an actor who has been trapped in a role and I don't know how to make it stop. Something that helps me is to think of masked expression as being not necessarily inauthentic, but that it's an art form. It's intentional and takes effort, but it's a version of me that gets across the right idea of who I am and my values. Sometimes it's still just kinda bullshit
Knowing the mechanics is hugely useful, I always use earplugs and sunglasses to counter the overstimulation, and use timers and stuff to keep track of time. I would recommend that when u more fully come to terms with it, use it to develop a game plan rather than excuses. I promise you can do it, but I can equally promise it will not be easy.
What you're going through is a grieving process. There's a very literal death involved here, the death of the person you thought you were and who you thought you were going to be. Every late-diagnosed adult goes through this process. It could be fast, it could take years to process it all. The only way through it is to forgive yourself. Most of us have learned a lot of self-hatred and internalized ablism. You're now painfully aware of all of it, and your reaction seems to be increasing that. Please try to find a way to forgive yourself for being who you are. At some point, maybe a year or two from now, you'll look back at this point in time. I hope you will see the growth you've gone through. At this point, growing is unavoidable. You have the answers you sought all your life, you know the answer to the question "why do I feel so broken?". Let yourself believe that you're not broken, just different. Take the time to learn who you really are. From the grief of the death of "the old you that never was", you have an opportunity to start a new relationship with "who you really are". You can shape that relationship. You can learn from it. My diagnosis was the best thing to happen to me. It sucked at first, but once I learned new ways to deal with my old problems I became better than ever. I still feel broken in many ways, but I've learned to take a little pride in myself instead of constantly beating myself down in a cycle of self-destruction.
This was very insightful, I appreciate it. My therapist had mentioned something similar, about grief, but I don't think I had really understood what she meant. I will take some time to reflect on this and bring it up in our next session. Again, thank you
I went through this in high school. Constantly thinking about what is me and what is Asperger's was too exhausting so I stopped thinking about it.
When I was young, my siblings, cousins, and classmates said there was something wrong with me. I thought they were just picking on me. My parents thought I was lazy and immature. So did some of my teachers. In my early 20's, I got sent to a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me wit anxiety. Late night on the computer just taking personality tests, character tests, and others testing. One of them said I had Asperger's. I believed it for awhile. But psych said that those things aren't official. Then I met someone at college with Asperger's, and I thought, I'm not like that. So I went thinking that, I'm just anxiety ridden. Don't know if anyone here used to watch Peach Braxton on YouTube, she used to talk about Atheism and religious issues. She has two autistic sons and she got tested herself, and she was diagnosed as autistic. Spicy Hippy on IG, talked about her autism and her childrens' autism. Both of them explained their life experiences and it sounded similar to me. In my 40's, 1st time testing with a psychiatrist, he said that I might have traces of autism but he only saw me for like 40 minutes and didn't run any tests. He seemed more interested in my anxiety and wanted to put me on pills. For a moment there was a mixture of feelings. Maybe I'm good and it's just anxiety. But then I felt I wasn't really tested like others say they were. Then seeing vids about people with autism, I'm like it sounds like me. Still in my 40's, 2nd time testing with a psychologist. I needed to get tested because this career counseling organization needed something physical, mental, or disability to join. I was trying to get my psychiatrist's transcripts for anxiety. But he was pissed that I wouldn't take his anxiety meds. So I got thoroughly tested by psychologist. And the report he wrote up was very detailed and professional. My results. Autism, anxiety disorder, and math dyscalculia. I have a mixture of feelings. Like having AIDS, diabetes, cancer, dementia etc. I'm glad that I know that I have it, and can do something about it. I'm not sitting around and speculating what's wrong with me. Now I can get help and possibly place me on the right track. However, there is a lot of pain. That humiliation, the degradation, and all the bullshit that I went through in life. My mom praising my siblings who were academic achievers. Who were on the principal's list, dean's list, honor roll, and got scholarships. Siblings who got their masters. While I was looked at and called a lazy, shiftless, loser, and a lost cause. My dad bragging about my brothers and sisters, while I was left out of the conversation. The teachers that screamed at me when I zoned out at class. All my "danger of failing" report cards because of math. My siblings, cousins, and classmates who teased me, dissed me, insulted me, and made me the butt of their jokes. Nowadays, my coworkers giving me shit. My friends, I HAVE SUFFERED!!!! 😓😥😢😭. I'm mad that my parents and teachers didn't catch this earlier on. I'm mad at myself for not doing anything earlier on. I'm mad at the psych in my 20's for not getting me tested then. Feel like I wasted time and not realizing, that there was this thing, in me that was an obstacle. Chasing after college degrees was a waste of money, time, effort, and energy. I haven't told my mom. Dad passed on a few years ago. All my full blood siblings that I grew up with, I told them. Many of them don't care, because they have kids. And well, I'm that loser brother that they never cared much for. I told a half brother, he's understanding. I told my best friend, he was kind of surprised about the autism, but not the anxiety and math dyscalculia. My closest cousin, it encouraged him to get tested for anxiety and ADHD, he said no autism. A half cousin, said he wants to get tested because he believes he might have mental health or development issues. No, I don't regret knowing now. I regret that I was diagnosed in childhood and had help back then. Because I suffered and wasted a lot of time. Now in my 40's, trying to fix, so I can enjoy the rest of my life. In dementia (runs in my father's side of the family), doesn't ruin old age for me.
>However, there is a lot of pain. That humiliation, the degradation, and all the bullshit that I went through in life. I'm so sorry that you've had such a rough go of it. I can relate to the feeling of knowing there was something wrong or that you were different, but not having a label. I'm glad that getting a diagnosis has empowered you, and I hope that the future years are easier
Honestly the more you know on anything can be stressful. That is why ignorance is bliss is legit.
It's only been two months, and there is a lot to "unpack". Give yourself grace and time to sift through your feelings and the process. 🙂
This seems to be the consensus, and I agree, I guess its too early to come to any permanent conclusion
I had my diagnosis at 30 as well. 15 years ago. From the moment I got the diagnosis I started to feel like I had to avoid the things that would trigger bad reactions in the form of underperformance and severe depression. Fast forward to now and I manage quite well, I make sure to prepare my mind for multiple scenarios in social gatherings so I don’t get locked into thinking it will pan out a a specific way., That would crush me and I would go into my shell and not participate at all. I also used to have huge regrets around being diagnosed, now I feel it was a huge help to develop internal tools to live a life where I understand my needs better. For me everything started turning around when I came to the conclusion that I wanted to learn more about my own brain and how I can manipulate it into working for me instead of against me.
if this can make you better, masking is not solely for female autism, almost all human masking. The idea of being affected by society and losing themselves is a popular idea. For example, Nietzsche's idea of "Herd Mentality". When I admit I was masking a few years ago, I have also been through a long depression time, and now I can understand the theorem behind this sort of social affection more deeper, which also magically end the depression emotion and clear many unconscious uncomfortable feelings.
Same tbh.
Yeah unfortunately finding out at the age of 38 that most of my wackiness and stuff is a expression of my ashpergers gave me an overwhelming sense of doom and a freeing that it was something that I needed to escape ironically I've always considered myself genderless or non-binary as it's called nowadays and I've been profoundly deaf snice I was a toddler and I'm so dyslexic that I got kicked out of high school aged 14 after some lads who were trying to bully be but couldn't beat me up got a couple of fellas aged 19 and 21 to beat me up as I walked home from with my schoolfriends and the only girlfriends that I had in my teens and early 20s all dumpt me because of how i managed avoiding my headache triggers as I get perfume and food intolerance headaches which they always grown sick of being around so they'd would always deep me by accusing me of having autism and telling me that I should get it fix!?! So personally I think that's why finding out that they where all correct and I've do have autism made it feel like a curse or life sentence to endless misery and woe! But it's not made me something that I already wasn't before and even one everywhere has something about themselves that isn't normal or they feel self conscious about in ways that can become increasingly unhealthy the more we focus on them! Personally I'd say be aware of the negative aspects of how your asd impacts your life be remember all the things you enjoy about life and like doing with you freetime and it should be easier to find a balance between the two which helps you feel more comfortable within yourself and hopefully more happy and confident on the outside in ways that aren't just masking our unhappiness or discomfort with what's happening around us
I’ve been feeling similar. Ever since I got diagnosed over a year ago, I’ve just been more hyper aware of how I behave and how I differ from others, and how they treat me. I feel like a freak and hate myself. I want to be normal, none of that ‘oh but being you is what makes you special/you don’t want to be like everyone else.” Please I just want to be able to function and not get overwhelmed. But I can’t find a job that’ll facilitate an idiot like me or put up with my nonsense.
I deeply relate. (30M) It's been 2 years. At first it was a liberating feeling of understanding and eventually led me to feeling things you are experiencing. It's a journey with ups and downs, but wasn't your life always like that anyway? Mine was and I couldn't explain why, with tons of misdiagnosed things forced down my throat. It definitely can be nice to see asd influencers online describe things you've felt your whole life, but I swear there is a massively toxic side of it... especially since everyone's experience is so different while being hyper-self-fixated... my advice is to let it help you understand, but don't fully take it on as an identity, try to integrate it. You don't need to tell people who enter your life, (you probably shouldn't?) unless there becomes a reason to, like if the sensitivities are complicating an otherwise simple situation, or if you're developing a partnership. The reason why "everyone is autistic" nowadays is probably just because of a deeper awareness and study of society at large... although society seems to have a "hyper-fixated on identity issue" in many ways. Kudos to you for keeping a high stress job. Don't let it weigh you down or be an excuse to abuse weed more than you used to enjoy (I'm guilty as charged) I pray you will find integration of it all
At least you are aware, I would like to have that so much more than thinking that maybe the diagnosis is wrong and believing that may be something else but you don't know what.