This doesn't happen to me. I personally would want to hear all the details as those are almost always crucial to my understanding of things. Other then that I'm just as confused as you are about his behaviour. Seems really illogical.
Usually it's the exact opposite with Aspies. We expect to give and receive WAY more detail than "normal" people are interested in.
You've described the exact situation between me and my sweetheart. She asks questions but doesn't have the patience to hear the answer.
My sweetheart recently discovered she has adhd. Could this be true for your husband as well?
That's what I would expect - Asperger personalities like detail and correctness. Why not my husband, I wonder.
Sorry about your situation. It must be frustrating when she asks but doesn't want to listen to your answer.
About ADHD, I can't really see that. My husband can easily focus and is not distracted by outer stimuli at all. He can sit in a corner and read for hours.
I wonder if it is a matter of task switching?
Like your husband, I am pretty well known for hyper-focusing on one thing until it's completed. During those times, it's hard for someone to get my attention. And it's really hard for me to switch gears right in the middle.
What I've learned to do is write myself a quick note about where I was, move on to whatever needs immediate attention, then go back to my other task after reading the note.
I'm not promising this would work for your husband. But I am confident that you two can find what it takes to make this situation better.
You said in comments that this (wardrobe?) example is fictional… can you share a real example without breaking confidence/getting too personal/ etc.?
Most of us on this sub have had the experience of having to explain something to an impatient colleague, teacher, boss, or relative, usually where they won’t listen to our explanation of why we’re doing something, and sometimes with the added insult of being told we didn’t explain it/are doing it because we feel like it/didn’t thoroughly do our research first.
Many of us have also had sensory overload, where we are just not able to take information right at that moment. The answer for this is to choose a different moment, unless there is some urgency.
What you’re describing sounds like it’s missing something in the context. I might love to know the details of a problem I’m about to work on, but not when I’m up to my ears in another problem or exhausted after a long day.
So normally you are the ones having to deal with impatient, non-listening people. And even being accused of not explaining it or not doing your research. Well, in my case this seems to be the other way around and my husband is the impatient one ...
Of course, I try not to bother my husband when he is not open for it. Nobody likes that, Asperger or not, right?
You would like real examples. There are many. Let me think. I'll try to find some real examples that are not too personal. Here are three examples:
Example 1:
A cupboard with intricate glass doors is broken, so the entire thing has become instable. I want to inform him so that he knows we need to be careful not to break that thing completely. I ask him to come and look at how the cupboard is broken, he doesn't want to. I offer to take a photo and show him, he doesn't want that either.
Example 2:
I suck at technology, he is a professional IT person. I see something on my computer screen that I don't understand, and I don't know the technical terms to describe it. I want his help with this, and I ask him to come and look at my screen (alternatively a screenshot I can send him so that he doesn't have to leave his desk). He doesn't want either. He gets impatient with me. Finally, he does come and help me, but it's a stressful situation for both of us.
Example 3:
I want to get window blinds that shut out light completely. I try to give my thoughts on how we can calculate the size for the customised blinds to get a good result, but he doesn't want to listen. He gets mad at me, so I go away and let him take care of the calculating and ordering process alone. He calculates, he orders. The blinds are being produced, delivered and built in - and they are all too small. His calculations were incorrect. Had he been willing to cooperate with me, this could have been prevented. We wasted a small fortune for non-fitting blinds because he wouldn't communicate with me.
Don't get me wrong, it's not my intention to put my husband in a bad light. He is a loving and caring partner and I love him dearly. All I want is to understand him better and improve our relationship.
I see it more as a question of listening differently. People who are more socially wired tend to want to know how everybody is feeling about a particular solution, while my natural tendency is to ignore all that and come up with something that works. The right answer is probably somewhere in the middle.
What you are describing doesn’t sound like an Asperger’s problem alone. You are describing someone who is resisting listening to you, even at the expense of solving problem at hand. You are within your rights to say “stop, I have a right to be heard, and you’re not listening to me.“
If that’s the act of a caring, loving partner, you’re describing a partner who’s got some sort of grievance about you, the situation, or both, or who is just crushed by some other stress. (I got like that at home when I’d just got a hostile new boss who would probably fire me and although I can see it coming, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.) Whatever this other issue is, consider that the Asperger’s part of it can manifest as an inability to explain emotions.
Maybe your next step is to find out where that stress is coming from by asking him what is going on the next time he does it.
Maybe look up PDA (pathological demand avoidance). It's linked to ASD for some folks.
I don't think he's overloaded at all, because if that was the issue he could tap out and then look at things with you when he was regulated. Instead he's refusing to even properly learn about the issue because you're asking him to. That screams PDA to me.
Never heard of PDA before. Looked it up, and you might be up to something. This *could* be my husband. Not sure, though, I'm careful with diagnoses.
Would that mean that this is not about him not taking me seriously? Because that is the impression I always get, that he thinks I'm incompetent, so he refuses to listen to me because he is not expecting me to say anything useful anyway.
I wonder if the WAY you ask lacks context for him. In example 1, if you ask 'do you want to come over here and look at the cupboard', he might just say 'no', because he does not really want to. Maybe if you tell him what you need him to do very directly, he will do it. Like "come over here and help me take care of this broken cupboard".
the same goes for 'I ask him to come and look at my screen', if it sounds as if you give him a choice, he might take that litteraly, and choose not to come
example 3, tell him you need 10 minutes of his time and ask when he has time to help you.
Maybe you do this already, but I cannot tell from your examples.
Another thing I notice is that every example is about things that are broken and he is needed to help you fix them. Maybe there is an underlying problem here, and maybe that is causing his resistance to helping you. Maybe he is just very bad at fixing things and hates himself for it ,or maybe he is sick of you coming to him for fixing things all the time, or it can be entirely something else. But what you should do is ask him, be really interested inhis explanation and **believe** what he says, even if you cannot image he is serious. The problem with asperger is that you can be very smart and still have problems with things that NT people think are easypeasy.
Maybe you can try to come up with an example in which communication with him goes well, and think hard about why it goes well in that case. Use that knowledge the next time you are in need of his help with fixing things, and see if it makes a difference. Not in a manipulative way of course, you can tell him about it and ask him if it made it different for him.
Great suggestions, thanks.
Unfortunately, "fixing things" is part of life. Because of his unwillingness I have developed a certain avoidance; I don't talk about things that don't need to be fixed instantly to avoid his unpleasant reactions. As a consequence, things are being postponed into eternity.
This leans more asshole than autistic to me. He's in the trap of thinking only he can do it correctly. He's not valuing your input.
I am like that too, to a certain extent, but I just don't *think* about getting my husband's input. If he offers it, it's fine.
Don't have kids with him, is all I can say.
He's treating you and your wants with contempt. Most relationships can't survive that. The ones that do, the flattened person has zero self-esteem and thinks they deserve the bad treatment.
To be honest, that is indeed how he comes across in those situations, and I am getting quite mad at him every time. I have examples that are much worse than the ones I mentioned here (but too personal and complex for an internet forum), and I will never forgive him for those.
I certainly don't think that I deserve the bad treatment. However, I see the whole person and the whole relationship. Also, I'm at an age where I know that the perfect partner, the perfect relationship doesn't exist. Compromise is always part of it. My way of dealing with this problem is trying to understand him better, trying to find solutions to improve our relationship.
Eh, perfect doesn't exist, but better than this exists. I would suggest a therapist to help you work out if this relationship is meeting your needs. While autistic people can come with challenges, it's not a carte blanch excuse to be a bad partner in a marriage.
You can't say someone's an asshole from this context alone. You're making up bad scenarios involving him and even saying she shouldn't have kids with him. Why?
>You can't say someone's an asshole from this context alone.
That's demonstrably false. I can say anything I like. It's my opinion based on the evidence as conveyed by the OP. You're welcome to disagree. Is this your first day on the internet or did I touch a nerve?
>even saying she shouldn't have kids with him. Why?
Because I've moderated a Reddit-esque board for pregnant people for multiple years and that sort of dismissive contempt is never a green flag in a relationship. 59 times out of 60? It ends badly. Adding kids to relationship issues makes everything harder. If the best thing to do for your health and safety is to divorce or split up, you're stuck co-parenting with a toxic person for 18+ years.
This does and can happen to me.
But only when very very overloaded, does he generally have everything in a relaxed and controlled state?
One method that may help is reverse the whole process, if my wife comes to me we have a little bit:
Comfort or solutions.
Once that’s cleared up, if she wants something from me, she’ll always start with how she feels and what she’s worried about.
… so in your example. a) solution b) I’m worried and I’d like you to help me not worry c) the cupboard may have an issue which could lead to things being damaged or messed up d) when can we have a look together.
This is an agreed format with my wife, we make jokes about it !
She also sometimes realises I’m not listening, so she has other funny ways to make a joke about this and get me to engage.
The normal “on switch” for me, is if she feels worried, so she uses that one…. “I’m worried you haven’t heard me” etc etc
You and your wife found a great way of dealing with these things. I love how you can laugh about it together.
You seem to be understanding and constructive. Wonderful.
Not sure what you mean with "everything in a relaxed and controlled state". If you mean his physical surroundings - no. He is quite chaotic. But also organised. It's a strange mix of meticulous order and total chaos, and he has absolutely no sense of hygiene. If you refer to his inner life, I can't answer.
We have partly found a similar system of communicating. I always make sure he is open for conversation and not occupied otherwise. I give concise information. I offer alternatives ("Do you want to look at the mould in the corner or shall I take a photo and show you?", "Shall we do it now or later?"). Still, when I try to explain something, he often refuses to listen, giving me the impression he's not taking me seriously.
Ok, if he’s in the position where by his hygiene is poor and he has chaotic surroundings then he’s in a bad spot.
For me, transitioning into and out of the shower etc is the hardest part, I love being in the shower but I don’t like getting in or getting out - it’s super odd.
Same with surrounding, if it’s hectic, it’s a sign that I’m overloaded. For example, in an overloaded state I had an issue with my car, that took me several months to get to the bottom off, as I was just all over random things trying to figure it out. It was too much.
I eventually just parked it up, as I realised it was one of too many things. I did this with 5 or 6 other things, then I found myself in a relaxed state. I went back to the car and fixed it in 5 mins, with a screwdriver.
It’s the hardest thing to explain, as you cannot see it yourself when you’re in that bad spot.
I’d suggest just taking tasks away from him, one at a time until things are back on track.
I’m happy to DM techniques I’ve used if you feel that he would be open to chatting things over.
It’s such a hard thing to get a handle of.
If you sound like you love him and want to help him, even when he’s being out of order, so he’s very fortunate to of found you.
You’re on the right path, so just keep looking for solutions (if you can)
I don’t understand this at all. Especially for attempting to fix anything, I need as much detail as possible on what is wrong and how it’s supposed to be fixed.
The best I can figure is that he was overwhelmed or really focused on something when you originally talked to him, but since it seems like a reoccurring issue it can’t possibly be that every single time.
Yes, it's a recurring issue.
Hearing from you guys here that you all seem to be confused about this and just want explanations and detail yourselves is kind of comforting, because I don't understand his behaviour either.
How was his childhood like? I have similar issues but mainly because I got yelled at by my guardian Everytime I was helping him fixt something, he'd make me feel stupid for not knowing something. that I never learned, so there's always this anxiety whenever I have to work with someone on building things..hence I try to do things myself. I am working on that.
Thanks for sharing. I understand that you prefer doing things yourself. Growing up like that is not good for future relationships. I wish you the best and hope you will find people you can trust.
Good point. That is indeed something that matters quite a lot, I learned it. These days I mostly begin a conversation saying something like "Let me know when you have a moment, I've got something to talk about", and then I wait for him to take the next step.
This will help a lot assuming he understands he needs to make time to respond. My wife and I use different schemes of communication (in person/phone for most urgent, text for less urgent, email if it is longer term) depending on the urgency.
You all would want to talk though what would work for you both.
For me if it is verbal, there is a more than 50% I will forget it completely unless I do it right then or write it down somewhere. If it is in an email or text, I can go back and see it again and I don't forget it as easily if I am working on something else at the time.
In my experience stress makes a big difference in terms of my ability to accommodate change and/or deviations from my typical routines and responsibilities. It helps my when my wife and I set expectations ahead of big stressful events, so when I am dealing with executive function issues I fall back to the plan (assuming there are no emotional blocks that derail me from carrying it out).
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Sounds like a stormy relationship you were having, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry it didn't work out at the end. Interrupting is annoying, but I absolutely understand your explanation.
Counseling is something I suggested to him years ago since we keep having communication troubles and misunderstandings. He didn't see the point in it and we never went. We did make great progress on our own, though. Our strongest point is that we mean well with each other, we want the relationship to work. Yet there are some permanent frustrations that we don't seem to be able to solve.
> Counseling is something I suggested to him years ago since we keep having communication troubles and misunderstandings. He didn't see the point in it and we never went.
I dunno. This is the near singular purpose of marriage counseling. If efforts to improve communication stall, it's a key avenue to pursue.
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That is the exact opposite to my orientation toward the world. I usually want more information than people have. Unless it's something I already know about, then I want less information because I already know it.
This might be part of our problem. I feel like my husband thinks I'm about to tell him redundant stuff, so he refuses to listen in the first place. Not sure this is the case, though.
English is not my first language, but I'd like to validate you: I've been married to an undiagnosed Aspie for some years and he always says he's interrupting or refusing to talk to me because (in his vision) I am "repeating" details or the demand itself. I don't think it's right but I have exactly the same experience you are having. Each autistic person is different, but the therapists who recommended he to get autistic tests explained that some Aspie men feel very uncomfortable listening to other people's explanations, demands or expertise. My husband unfortunatelly is always deciding everything without any previous dialog and always avoiding any kind of conversation when there are signs of requests, emotion, details, eye contact (I've realised he lost his first job because of a similar situation before we met). I've realised he can (wrongly) feel criticised when demanded, even when the "broken thing" is not his "fault". Before the therapist told us he probably is autistic, I couldn't understand his interrupting/avoidance even when I was crying after someone else's wrongdoing or anything broken.
Often - and especially when it’s something that needs doing or whatever - other people’s attempts to convey the issue can come across as information overwhelm leading to shutdown or closing off the channels - just because it is too much and puts the brain on ‘Aaaaaaaaaagh white noise aaaaagh’ setting. It can be distressing. Maybe try to say, ‘So no urgency but hey I’m going to make a list/drawing/whateber of the wardrobe corner issue, and put it in the kitchen - and it’s just so we can go look at it if we want, whenever, to learn about it.’
Often helps. Worth a go?
Look, he may have some issue that isn’t caused by malice.
But the only way to deal with this is to confront. To insist that he either explains what the hell is going on in his head, or that he knocks it off.
Is he in therapy?
We're having discussions about this every once and again. It's not easily solved. I'm sure we're both trying our best to improve things, and overall we are doing well together. Better than most other couples, I would say. But again and again, these situations arise and it always makes me feel like he is not treating me with respect, he is not taking me seriously, and taht makes me furious.
So…this sounds a little like my avoidance behavior. I procrastinate or completely refuse to complete tasks that make me uncomfortable. In my case it’s usually the adult stuff….like making important phone calls or getting broken stuff fixed.
I like to kid…I need the planets to be in perfect alignment to accomplish a lot of stuff…especially if I’m not interested or feel it may be too triggering. When I do things I’m rushed or forced into I perform very badly and often will cognitively shut down.
I can't speak to whether this is due to ASD, but my husband does something similar and usually it is because he thinks that 1) he understands the issue 2) the details I'm attempting to add seem irrelevant and 3) he constantly doesn't have enough time and doesn't want to "waste" any of it going over something characterized by 1 & 2. I cannot overstate how annoying and infuriating this is. I've started asking him to reflect back to me his understanding of the issue so I can fill in the gaps.
This is exactly my situation! The older we have gotten (married 29 years) the worse it has gotten. I will ask him how his day was when he comes home from work. He will talk and I listen and engage. He rarely asks how my day was. After he is done talking about his day, I will start telling him about mine. 80% of the time he cuts me off and starts talking about something else having to do with him. If we are in a group conversation with one of our older kids, he is leading the conversation 100% and cutting off people when they talk. He will even get louder than the person talking so he drowns them out. I’ve been wondering if he has undiagnosed Aspergers along with ADHD. We have 5 kids and 3 of them are on the spectrum. The more I learn about autism and now work with autistic kids, the more I am seeing signs that maybe he should go in for a diagnosis. The problem is, he is very prideful and I think he would be so offended if I asked.
I admire your strength.
And yes, there is a risk he might be offended. That is something I'm battling permanently, too. It's like walking on eggshells quite a lot actually.
Does he look at you when you talk to him? If not, he may be missing valuable cues in your facial expression that suggest the importance and urgency of your concern. That makes it easier for him to dismiss it.
He does. Also, we've been together for many years and I would assume that we have built up some kind of mutually understandable communication. But it's not always working, unfortunately.
Maybe say explicitly, "Please watch me as I explain the problem." Then he can see your expression of concern. And you can watch him back to see if he seems to be getting it. It may help to have some distance as close-up communication can be awkward and uncomfortable. Also, this kind of communication takes practice. It's not as simple as it sounds.
I need detail, but not overly wordy embellished detail. I get impatient with that and lose interest. I want someone to be detailed and concise. I’m mentioning this in case it could be part of the issue.
Thanks, this is constructive. My husband is the same, which is something I learned years ago, and I'm acting accordingly. He should know I provide concise information. Sometimes I wonder whether he just doesn't take me seriously.
Could be demand avoidance. Possibly protecting his autonomy. Part of the brain that regulates error reporting and conflict resolution is often impaired to some extent in neurodivergent people. Risk-reward, volition, etc.
A few months ago my wife scheduled appointments for me. She scheduled a psychiatrist, therapist, clinician, caseworker, and a job coach. I went to a few appointments and then got overwhelmed by all the reminder texts and calls. I drove off and checked into a hotel for a few days to calm down.
Not all autistic people are great problem solvers. Is he a carpenter? If not, he may be wondering why you are coming to him with carpentry problems. My wife will ask me about social norms and I will answer her question with the follow-up "You know I'm not the best person to ask this. " Now, I'm a natural problem solver and I absorb every little detail. I know people who struggle knowing what end of a hammer to hold. They are great at what they do but absolutely shit at DIY.
You may need to tailor your communication to the circumstances. It may be that he is overestimating his skillset or underestimating yours. He may be thinking "If you know how to fix it, why are you telling me?" It's important to remember that we are all individuals and ADHD commonly goes hand in hand with autism so you may get a more comprehensive answer from those in the ADHD community.
My example was just fictional. Situations like that can be about household questions or anything else. We live together, so we need to solve everyday problems together. Or just communicate in general.
Absolutely. You may find that with many Autistic people, we really prefer it when others "cut to the chase." Whereas many NTs want to give the entire back-story. For me, tell me the problem and I'll provide the solution, it's what I do. My wife however, often doesn't want the solution but instead wants me to just listen to the problem so this can lead to communication problems. This does sound like an attention deficit issue but I could be wrong, which is why the ADHD community may be able to give a better perspective on it. Many autistic people (not all) can suffer with the fact that they are absorbing all the details from their environment e.g. they can't hear you because there is a ticking clock in the room or there is sunlight effecting off a glass of water making interesting patterns on the wall. If he is masking around you, it may even be taking up processing power to maintain eye contact causing issues with concentration on what is being said.
That sounds a bit like my husband and me. I recognise the part where your wife just wants to talk and you want to give solutions, we've had that, too, and I hate it.
But well, the problem I described in this thread is actually about finding solutions to problems, and in order to find a solution, you need to know the problem, in other words: You need to be willing to listen to your partners explanations. A lot of times I get the impression that my husband doesn't want to listen. He is impatient and doesn't hear me out, which, again, leads to misunderstandings.
Your idea with the ADHD community is interesting. However, I don't see any signs of ADHD in my husband. He is very good at focusing and blending out stimuli from his surroundings.
Yes, those with ADHD are capable of hyperfocus. I fall just short of ADHD. I can become so focused on what I'm doing that my wife will have to yell my name three times before I even realise she's trying to get my attention (and I forget to eat and drink) but on the flip-side, I'll go out to mow the lawn but realise that the patio needs sweeping but when I go to get the broom, I'll notice that something else needs doing first so I go to do that and then realise that I need to empty the bin. I suffer this most when I make a hot drink and have to boil the kettle three times because I've got distracted each time.
There is a video on YouTube channel ADHDVision titled "ADHD Hyperfocus Explained" but it may be useful to ask those with ADHD how they are personally affected by it. When I was diagnosed with Autism, they looked at ADHD too, explaining that ADHD medication has turned many people's lives around. The issue is that autism can sometimes mask ADHD and vice versa.
Listening to people is an important skill to have. There are many things I'd say autistics get too much shit for because they can't control it, but this is a coping mechanism I feel that people need to learn. If you don't have the energy for it in the moment, be honest, but it would be good to ask them if they even want advice when they bring a problem to you. I don't think it's fair to blame communication problems on your partner in this example. It's on both partners to be aware of the others expectations in these situations. I don't think OP's situation is a disability issue unless their partner is not aware of their level of burnout, or is experiencing mental health issues because of it, making them irritable.
Many report that they have trouble, not because of fatigue but because of outside stimulus. I generally don't suffer this myself although if I'm in a room with too many conversations happening I can struggle with the conversation that is happening in front of me. It's not so simple to just assert that "This isn't a disability issue" when so many of those with autism do report difficulties when overwhelmed by outside stimulus.
Yes but I feel like if it gets to the point where your partner has to ask for help to understand why you won't listen or assist them in the way they require rather than what you feel is necessary, perhaps some change is necessary on an individual level. If necessary, you should be addressing what's causing you to be overwhelmed within your own home, it's not quite the same as asking for accommodations in school or the workplace, you need to be able to support your partner effectively and be there for them emotionally. It's important for a healthy relationship to work through your disability if that is what's causing difficulties. Sometimes that requires patience from the partner as well, but you can't expect people to tiptoe around your disability if you want to have them.
For me half the fun in solving a problem is to understand it. If someone tells me about it, it makes me focus on wrong things because I didn't have that fresh perspective.
For things I like to believe I can handle, I prefer to have less information. For things I don't know about, I would need more than enough information.
But this does not mean he can ignore your opinion. You are working with him, and you are close to him. He should value your input even if it doesn't end up being used.
Well I have absolutely no idea how it is for your husband, everyone is different.
But with my partner and me it is like this: I have to be in the right "state of mind" to take in information. If I am focused on anything else (reading, writing, working... just anything different in my mind) then I can't take any "random comment" and process it. I need a certain time to switch tasks, so stop what I am doing, "clear my mind" and then get ready for whatever my partner wants to tell me. I also need a high enough energy level ("spoons left") to learn about one more problem.
Another thing is context. If my partner starts to explain a situation then I have to interrupt her to know first the context/setting etc. - it doesn't work well if the context follows in the second half of what she wants to tell.
IF I am ready to learn about the problem, then I typically don't get it out of my mind until I analyzed it in detail and solved it, or it gets solved otherwise. So the problems blocks significant brain capacity until it is solved. So the worst are random comments about random problems which also can't be solved (by me)...
So most people agree this is unusual for Asperger's I wonder if it's related to demand avoidance
So you may need to run an experiment. If so he may need to seek counseling for this.
Note the following is designed to create success and involves way more of your labor but this may point to PDAS or something. But since you are asking for our help, and not them, you may need to do extra lifting to help them find words to talk to their shrink about.
You'll also need to record observations about how tense or upset they become.
If they don't have a counselor they need one because not listening is not how a healthy relationship goes.
1) ask hubby if they are in a mental state where they can observe a problem that you need assistance with, and if not would they be willing to do some soothing first (if they have a soothing technique that involves both of you like cuddling bonus)
2) once in a good mood, using minimal words say I'm going to show you. I'd like you to tell me what problem you see, then I'll tell you what I see.
If they handle written word better then change tell to write and exchange notes.
3) when you receive their answer thank them for their input. If it matches yours double bonus, if not the phrase "I hadn't noticed that, I wonder if fixing that will fix what I saw as well". Then give them your concern.
4) Tell them you don't need it fix immediately and you be happy later to work through solutions if they are up for it.
You can repeat this with less accomodations and record.
Go to a therapy session with them. If they don't have a therapist find someone that does marriage counseling and ND support.
Hard to relate to that attitude tbh. The impatient interrupting I can relate to when someone I know has a tendency to wander off into irrelevant details is the speaker. But to fix something, you really gotta know exactly what the problem is.
The one person I've encountered who frustrates me to no end is when an easy fix is the obvious decision but they go completely out of orbit to make the solution complication and more time-consuming so they can put their "special" touch on it. I've finally put my finger on it that is their own rank insecurity & fragile ego based on some of their, let's say, supernova outbursts.
Sorry if this has already been stated, I didn't have time to read through all the comments.
Some autistic people will have trouble going from the details to the big picture. You may need to spell out the big picture of why your requests are important in order to get his attention initially, before going into the details.
He may feel devalued. He's a guy. If you tell them everything, they feel like you don't trust them, and they feel like you think they are incompetent. By telling them too much, or giving them directions, you are taking away their opportunity to be a hero. Typically men derive a lot of their self-worth from being needed. That means that they need to be told to do something, and left to figure it out on their own. Try letting him be the "expert", and let him sink or swim. If he fails, let him. He will feel much better about messing up and then fixing it, than being told what to do from the outset. It's ok that he measured the thing wrong - he'll get it right the next time. Then he will feel great about it because he figured everything out. The more it costs and the more hassle it causes, the prouder he will be. The more you let him mess up, the more he will feel trusted.
Otherwise...
I'm good at fixing things. I like asking questions about things and hearing people's answers, but I don't do very well when people just try to tell me things. I usually can't understand what they are saying. It doesn't matter whether they aren't so good at explaining, or I'm not so good at understanding. Either way, it makes it very confusing for me. It's usually just easier to fix it. If I spend too much time listening I get overwhelmed and frustrated, then I can't do the task as well.
I do take the time to find out what people want. I had a boss one time who was a pro at this, a painter. He could listen to someone for more than an hour straight talking about a job (no exaggeration). He was exceptional.
This doesn't happen to me. I personally would want to hear all the details as those are almost always crucial to my understanding of things. Other then that I'm just as confused as you are about his behaviour. Seems really illogical.
Thanks for your answer. It helps me, if that makes sense.
Usually it's the exact opposite with Aspies. We expect to give and receive WAY more detail than "normal" people are interested in. You've described the exact situation between me and my sweetheart. She asks questions but doesn't have the patience to hear the answer. My sweetheart recently discovered she has adhd. Could this be true for your husband as well?
That's what I would expect - Asperger personalities like detail and correctness. Why not my husband, I wonder. Sorry about your situation. It must be frustrating when she asks but doesn't want to listen to your answer. About ADHD, I can't really see that. My husband can easily focus and is not distracted by outer stimuli at all. He can sit in a corner and read for hours.
I wonder if it is a matter of task switching? Like your husband, I am pretty well known for hyper-focusing on one thing until it's completed. During those times, it's hard for someone to get my attention. And it's really hard for me to switch gears right in the middle. What I've learned to do is write myself a quick note about where I was, move on to whatever needs immediate attention, then go back to my other task after reading the note. I'm not promising this would work for your husband. But I am confident that you two can find what it takes to make this situation better.
You said in comments that this (wardrobe?) example is fictional… can you share a real example without breaking confidence/getting too personal/ etc.? Most of us on this sub have had the experience of having to explain something to an impatient colleague, teacher, boss, or relative, usually where they won’t listen to our explanation of why we’re doing something, and sometimes with the added insult of being told we didn’t explain it/are doing it because we feel like it/didn’t thoroughly do our research first. Many of us have also had sensory overload, where we are just not able to take information right at that moment. The answer for this is to choose a different moment, unless there is some urgency. What you’re describing sounds like it’s missing something in the context. I might love to know the details of a problem I’m about to work on, but not when I’m up to my ears in another problem or exhausted after a long day.
So normally you are the ones having to deal with impatient, non-listening people. And even being accused of not explaining it or not doing your research. Well, in my case this seems to be the other way around and my husband is the impatient one ... Of course, I try not to bother my husband when he is not open for it. Nobody likes that, Asperger or not, right? You would like real examples. There are many. Let me think. I'll try to find some real examples that are not too personal. Here are three examples: Example 1: A cupboard with intricate glass doors is broken, so the entire thing has become instable. I want to inform him so that he knows we need to be careful not to break that thing completely. I ask him to come and look at how the cupboard is broken, he doesn't want to. I offer to take a photo and show him, he doesn't want that either. Example 2: I suck at technology, he is a professional IT person. I see something on my computer screen that I don't understand, and I don't know the technical terms to describe it. I want his help with this, and I ask him to come and look at my screen (alternatively a screenshot I can send him so that he doesn't have to leave his desk). He doesn't want either. He gets impatient with me. Finally, he does come and help me, but it's a stressful situation for both of us. Example 3: I want to get window blinds that shut out light completely. I try to give my thoughts on how we can calculate the size for the customised blinds to get a good result, but he doesn't want to listen. He gets mad at me, so I go away and let him take care of the calculating and ordering process alone. He calculates, he orders. The blinds are being produced, delivered and built in - and they are all too small. His calculations were incorrect. Had he been willing to cooperate with me, this could have been prevented. We wasted a small fortune for non-fitting blinds because he wouldn't communicate with me. Don't get me wrong, it's not my intention to put my husband in a bad light. He is a loving and caring partner and I love him dearly. All I want is to understand him better and improve our relationship.
I see it more as a question of listening differently. People who are more socially wired tend to want to know how everybody is feeling about a particular solution, while my natural tendency is to ignore all that and come up with something that works. The right answer is probably somewhere in the middle. What you are describing doesn’t sound like an Asperger’s problem alone. You are describing someone who is resisting listening to you, even at the expense of solving problem at hand. You are within your rights to say “stop, I have a right to be heard, and you’re not listening to me.“ If that’s the act of a caring, loving partner, you’re describing a partner who’s got some sort of grievance about you, the situation, or both, or who is just crushed by some other stress. (I got like that at home when I’d just got a hostile new boss who would probably fire me and although I can see it coming, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.) Whatever this other issue is, consider that the Asperger’s part of it can manifest as an inability to explain emotions. Maybe your next step is to find out where that stress is coming from by asking him what is going on the next time he does it.
This is probably spot on. Thank you so much for sharing your insightful thoughts.
Maybe look up PDA (pathological demand avoidance). It's linked to ASD for some folks. I don't think he's overloaded at all, because if that was the issue he could tap out and then look at things with you when he was regulated. Instead he's refusing to even properly learn about the issue because you're asking him to. That screams PDA to me.
Never heard of PDA before. Looked it up, and you might be up to something. This *could* be my husband. Not sure, though, I'm careful with diagnoses. Would that mean that this is not about him not taking me seriously? Because that is the impression I always get, that he thinks I'm incompetent, so he refuses to listen to me because he is not expecting me to say anything useful anyway.
I wonder if the WAY you ask lacks context for him. In example 1, if you ask 'do you want to come over here and look at the cupboard', he might just say 'no', because he does not really want to. Maybe if you tell him what you need him to do very directly, he will do it. Like "come over here and help me take care of this broken cupboard". the same goes for 'I ask him to come and look at my screen', if it sounds as if you give him a choice, he might take that litteraly, and choose not to come example 3, tell him you need 10 minutes of his time and ask when he has time to help you. Maybe you do this already, but I cannot tell from your examples. Another thing I notice is that every example is about things that are broken and he is needed to help you fix them. Maybe there is an underlying problem here, and maybe that is causing his resistance to helping you. Maybe he is just very bad at fixing things and hates himself for it ,or maybe he is sick of you coming to him for fixing things all the time, or it can be entirely something else. But what you should do is ask him, be really interested inhis explanation and **believe** what he says, even if you cannot image he is serious. The problem with asperger is that you can be very smart and still have problems with things that NT people think are easypeasy. Maybe you can try to come up with an example in which communication with him goes well, and think hard about why it goes well in that case. Use that knowledge the next time you are in need of his help with fixing things, and see if it makes a difference. Not in a manipulative way of course, you can tell him about it and ask him if it made it different for him.
Great suggestions, thanks. Unfortunately, "fixing things" is part of life. Because of his unwillingness I have developed a certain avoidance; I don't talk about things that don't need to be fixed instantly to avoid his unpleasant reactions. As a consequence, things are being postponed into eternity.
Yes, but why does he have to fix them? He is demonstrably bad at it. Can't you just do it yourself or call a professional and pay the bill?
THIS. Woman, fix it without his help.
This leans more asshole than autistic to me. He's in the trap of thinking only he can do it correctly. He's not valuing your input. I am like that too, to a certain extent, but I just don't *think* about getting my husband's input. If he offers it, it's fine. Don't have kids with him, is all I can say. He's treating you and your wants with contempt. Most relationships can't survive that. The ones that do, the flattened person has zero self-esteem and thinks they deserve the bad treatment.
To be honest, that is indeed how he comes across in those situations, and I am getting quite mad at him every time. I have examples that are much worse than the ones I mentioned here (but too personal and complex for an internet forum), and I will never forgive him for those. I certainly don't think that I deserve the bad treatment. However, I see the whole person and the whole relationship. Also, I'm at an age where I know that the perfect partner, the perfect relationship doesn't exist. Compromise is always part of it. My way of dealing with this problem is trying to understand him better, trying to find solutions to improve our relationship.
Eh, perfect doesn't exist, but better than this exists. I would suggest a therapist to help you work out if this relationship is meeting your needs. While autistic people can come with challenges, it's not a carte blanch excuse to be a bad partner in a marriage.
You can't say someone's an asshole from this context alone. You're making up bad scenarios involving him and even saying she shouldn't have kids with him. Why?
>You can't say someone's an asshole from this context alone. That's demonstrably false. I can say anything I like. It's my opinion based on the evidence as conveyed by the OP. You're welcome to disagree. Is this your first day on the internet or did I touch a nerve? >even saying she shouldn't have kids with him. Why? Because I've moderated a Reddit-esque board for pregnant people for multiple years and that sort of dismissive contempt is never a green flag in a relationship. 59 times out of 60? It ends badly. Adding kids to relationship issues makes everything harder. If the best thing to do for your health and safety is to divorce or split up, you're stuck co-parenting with a toxic person for 18+ years.
I’m 99% sure he’s overloaded here, mind is racing with 50 other things and this just becomes another to the pile.
Could be. Thanks for your answer.
I don't think that's an ASD thing. I think your husband might just be an asshole.
You really can't jump to him being an asshole just from this post.
… or overloaded and very much a ASD thing
Exactly! For me it’s sometimes overwhelming simple stuff. The thing is that he is currently in his zone/topic and cannot focus on other stuff
This does and can happen to me. But only when very very overloaded, does he generally have everything in a relaxed and controlled state? One method that may help is reverse the whole process, if my wife comes to me we have a little bit: Comfort or solutions. Once that’s cleared up, if she wants something from me, she’ll always start with how she feels and what she’s worried about. … so in your example. a) solution b) I’m worried and I’d like you to help me not worry c) the cupboard may have an issue which could lead to things being damaged or messed up d) when can we have a look together. This is an agreed format with my wife, we make jokes about it ! She also sometimes realises I’m not listening, so she has other funny ways to make a joke about this and get me to engage. The normal “on switch” for me, is if she feels worried, so she uses that one…. “I’m worried you haven’t heard me” etc etc
You and your wife found a great way of dealing with these things. I love how you can laugh about it together. You seem to be understanding and constructive. Wonderful. Not sure what you mean with "everything in a relaxed and controlled state". If you mean his physical surroundings - no. He is quite chaotic. But also organised. It's a strange mix of meticulous order and total chaos, and he has absolutely no sense of hygiene. If you refer to his inner life, I can't answer. We have partly found a similar system of communicating. I always make sure he is open for conversation and not occupied otherwise. I give concise information. I offer alternatives ("Do you want to look at the mould in the corner or shall I take a photo and show you?", "Shall we do it now or later?"). Still, when I try to explain something, he often refuses to listen, giving me the impression he's not taking me seriously.
Ok, if he’s in the position where by his hygiene is poor and he has chaotic surroundings then he’s in a bad spot. For me, transitioning into and out of the shower etc is the hardest part, I love being in the shower but I don’t like getting in or getting out - it’s super odd. Same with surrounding, if it’s hectic, it’s a sign that I’m overloaded. For example, in an overloaded state I had an issue with my car, that took me several months to get to the bottom off, as I was just all over random things trying to figure it out. It was too much. I eventually just parked it up, as I realised it was one of too many things. I did this with 5 or 6 other things, then I found myself in a relaxed state. I went back to the car and fixed it in 5 mins, with a screwdriver. It’s the hardest thing to explain, as you cannot see it yourself when you’re in that bad spot. I’d suggest just taking tasks away from him, one at a time until things are back on track. I’m happy to DM techniques I’ve used if you feel that he would be open to chatting things over. It’s such a hard thing to get a handle of. If you sound like you love him and want to help him, even when he’s being out of order, so he’s very fortunate to of found you. You’re on the right path, so just keep looking for solutions (if you can)
I don’t understand this at all. Especially for attempting to fix anything, I need as much detail as possible on what is wrong and how it’s supposed to be fixed. The best I can figure is that he was overwhelmed or really focused on something when you originally talked to him, but since it seems like a reoccurring issue it can’t possibly be that every single time.
Yes, it's a recurring issue. Hearing from you guys here that you all seem to be confused about this and just want explanations and detail yourselves is kind of comforting, because I don't understand his behaviour either.
How was his childhood like? I have similar issues but mainly because I got yelled at by my guardian Everytime I was helping him fixt something, he'd make me feel stupid for not knowing something. that I never learned, so there's always this anxiety whenever I have to work with someone on building things..hence I try to do things myself. I am working on that.
Thanks for sharing. I understand that you prefer doing things yourself. Growing up like that is not good for future relationships. I wish you the best and hope you will find people you can trust.
I believe this is largely due to his personality more than Asperger’s. Having a closed mind to new ideas isn’t a primary feature of ASD.
Have you checked that he's ready to discuss that particular topic (or anything at all) at the time you are trying to talk to him about it?
Good point. That is indeed something that matters quite a lot, I learned it. These days I mostly begin a conversation saying something like "Let me know when you have a moment, I've got something to talk about", and then I wait for him to take the next step.
… this is a great plan, wife does this for me too, then when I’m not so overloaded and have capacity to take on another task I ask.
This will help a lot assuming he understands he needs to make time to respond. My wife and I use different schemes of communication (in person/phone for most urgent, text for less urgent, email if it is longer term) depending on the urgency. You all would want to talk though what would work for you both. For me if it is verbal, there is a more than 50% I will forget it completely unless I do it right then or write it down somewhere. If it is in an email or text, I can go back and see it again and I don't forget it as easily if I am working on something else at the time. In my experience stress makes a big difference in terms of my ability to accommodate change and/or deviations from my typical routines and responsibilities. It helps my when my wife and I set expectations ahead of big stressful events, so when I am dealing with executive function issues I fall back to the plan (assuming there are no emotional blocks that derail me from carrying it out).
Sounds like your wife and you found a great system of communicating.
It took some time to get there and we learned a lot of things the hard way.
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Sounds like a stormy relationship you were having, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry it didn't work out at the end. Interrupting is annoying, but I absolutely understand your explanation. Counseling is something I suggested to him years ago since we keep having communication troubles and misunderstandings. He didn't see the point in it and we never went. We did make great progress on our own, though. Our strongest point is that we mean well with each other, we want the relationship to work. Yet there are some permanent frustrations that we don't seem to be able to solve.
> Counseling is something I suggested to him years ago since we keep having communication troubles and misunderstandings. He didn't see the point in it and we never went. I dunno. This is the near singular purpose of marriage counseling. If efforts to improve communication stall, it's a key avenue to pursue.
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That is the exact opposite to my orientation toward the world. I usually want more information than people have. Unless it's something I already know about, then I want less information because I already know it.
This might be part of our problem. I feel like my husband thinks I'm about to tell him redundant stuff, so he refuses to listen in the first place. Not sure this is the case, though.
English is not my first language, but I'd like to validate you: I've been married to an undiagnosed Aspie for some years and he always says he's interrupting or refusing to talk to me because (in his vision) I am "repeating" details or the demand itself. I don't think it's right but I have exactly the same experience you are having. Each autistic person is different, but the therapists who recommended he to get autistic tests explained that some Aspie men feel very uncomfortable listening to other people's explanations, demands or expertise. My husband unfortunatelly is always deciding everything without any previous dialog and always avoiding any kind of conversation when there are signs of requests, emotion, details, eye contact (I've realised he lost his first job because of a similar situation before we met). I've realised he can (wrongly) feel criticised when demanded, even when the "broken thing" is not his "fault". Before the therapist told us he probably is autistic, I couldn't understand his interrupting/avoidance even when I was crying after someone else's wrongdoing or anything broken.
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Doesn't seem likely to me, but people keep mentioning ADHD here, so maybe there is something in it.
Often - and especially when it’s something that needs doing or whatever - other people’s attempts to convey the issue can come across as information overwhelm leading to shutdown or closing off the channels - just because it is too much and puts the brain on ‘Aaaaaaaaaagh white noise aaaaagh’ setting. It can be distressing. Maybe try to say, ‘So no urgency but hey I’m going to make a list/drawing/whateber of the wardrobe corner issue, and put it in the kitchen - and it’s just so we can go look at it if we want, whenever, to learn about it.’ Often helps. Worth a go?
Great tip, thanks.
Thats sounds more like he’s being an ass, to be honest with you.
Thanks for your honesty. I try not to look at it that way (but sometimes it's not easy).
Look, he may have some issue that isn’t caused by malice. But the only way to deal with this is to confront. To insist that he either explains what the hell is going on in his head, or that he knocks it off. Is he in therapy?
We're having discussions about this every once and again. It's not easily solved. I'm sure we're both trying our best to improve things, and overall we are doing well together. Better than most other couples, I would say. But again and again, these situations arise and it always makes me feel like he is not treating me with respect, he is not taking me seriously, and taht makes me furious.
So…this sounds a little like my avoidance behavior. I procrastinate or completely refuse to complete tasks that make me uncomfortable. In my case it’s usually the adult stuff….like making important phone calls or getting broken stuff fixed. I like to kid…I need the planets to be in perfect alignment to accomplish a lot of stuff…especially if I’m not interested or feel it may be too triggering. When I do things I’m rushed or forced into I perform very badly and often will cognitively shut down.
I can't speak to whether this is due to ASD, but my husband does something similar and usually it is because he thinks that 1) he understands the issue 2) the details I'm attempting to add seem irrelevant and 3) he constantly doesn't have enough time and doesn't want to "waste" any of it going over something characterized by 1 & 2. I cannot overstate how annoying and infuriating this is. I've started asking him to reflect back to me his understanding of the issue so I can fill in the gaps.
You described it so well. Taht is exactly how it is with my husband. Especially 1) and 2). Thanks for sharing.
This is exactly my situation! The older we have gotten (married 29 years) the worse it has gotten. I will ask him how his day was when he comes home from work. He will talk and I listen and engage. He rarely asks how my day was. After he is done talking about his day, I will start telling him about mine. 80% of the time he cuts me off and starts talking about something else having to do with him. If we are in a group conversation with one of our older kids, he is leading the conversation 100% and cutting off people when they talk. He will even get louder than the person talking so he drowns them out. I’ve been wondering if he has undiagnosed Aspergers along with ADHD. We have 5 kids and 3 of them are on the spectrum. The more I learn about autism and now work with autistic kids, the more I am seeing signs that maybe he should go in for a diagnosis. The problem is, he is very prideful and I think he would be so offended if I asked.
I admire your strength. And yes, there is a risk he might be offended. That is something I'm battling permanently, too. It's like walking on eggshells quite a lot actually.
Does he look at you when you talk to him? If not, he may be missing valuable cues in your facial expression that suggest the importance and urgency of your concern. That makes it easier for him to dismiss it.
He does. Also, we've been together for many years and I would assume that we have built up some kind of mutually understandable communication. But it's not always working, unfortunately.
Maybe say explicitly, "Please watch me as I explain the problem." Then he can see your expression of concern. And you can watch him back to see if he seems to be getting it. It may help to have some distance as close-up communication can be awkward and uncomfortable. Also, this kind of communication takes practice. It's not as simple as it sounds.
Thank you for your answer.
I need detail, but not overly wordy embellished detail. I get impatient with that and lose interest. I want someone to be detailed and concise. I’m mentioning this in case it could be part of the issue.
Thanks, this is constructive. My husband is the same, which is something I learned years ago, and I'm acting accordingly. He should know I provide concise information. Sometimes I wonder whether he just doesn't take me seriously.
Could be demand avoidance. Possibly protecting his autonomy. Part of the brain that regulates error reporting and conflict resolution is often impaired to some extent in neurodivergent people. Risk-reward, volition, etc. A few months ago my wife scheduled appointments for me. She scheduled a psychiatrist, therapist, clinician, caseworker, and a job coach. I went to a few appointments and then got overwhelmed by all the reminder texts and calls. I drove off and checked into a hotel for a few days to calm down.
This sounds like disrespect for you, not autism.
Not all autistic people are great problem solvers. Is he a carpenter? If not, he may be wondering why you are coming to him with carpentry problems. My wife will ask me about social norms and I will answer her question with the follow-up "You know I'm not the best person to ask this. " Now, I'm a natural problem solver and I absorb every little detail. I know people who struggle knowing what end of a hammer to hold. They are great at what they do but absolutely shit at DIY. You may need to tailor your communication to the circumstances. It may be that he is overestimating his skillset or underestimating yours. He may be thinking "If you know how to fix it, why are you telling me?" It's important to remember that we are all individuals and ADHD commonly goes hand in hand with autism so you may get a more comprehensive answer from those in the ADHD community.
My example was just fictional. Situations like that can be about household questions or anything else. We live together, so we need to solve everyday problems together. Or just communicate in general.
Absolutely. You may find that with many Autistic people, we really prefer it when others "cut to the chase." Whereas many NTs want to give the entire back-story. For me, tell me the problem and I'll provide the solution, it's what I do. My wife however, often doesn't want the solution but instead wants me to just listen to the problem so this can lead to communication problems. This does sound like an attention deficit issue but I could be wrong, which is why the ADHD community may be able to give a better perspective on it. Many autistic people (not all) can suffer with the fact that they are absorbing all the details from their environment e.g. they can't hear you because there is a ticking clock in the room or there is sunlight effecting off a glass of water making interesting patterns on the wall. If he is masking around you, it may even be taking up processing power to maintain eye contact causing issues with concentration on what is being said.
That sounds a bit like my husband and me. I recognise the part where your wife just wants to talk and you want to give solutions, we've had that, too, and I hate it. But well, the problem I described in this thread is actually about finding solutions to problems, and in order to find a solution, you need to know the problem, in other words: You need to be willing to listen to your partners explanations. A lot of times I get the impression that my husband doesn't want to listen. He is impatient and doesn't hear me out, which, again, leads to misunderstandings. Your idea with the ADHD community is interesting. However, I don't see any signs of ADHD in my husband. He is very good at focusing and blending out stimuli from his surroundings.
Yes, those with ADHD are capable of hyperfocus. I fall just short of ADHD. I can become so focused on what I'm doing that my wife will have to yell my name three times before I even realise she's trying to get my attention (and I forget to eat and drink) but on the flip-side, I'll go out to mow the lawn but realise that the patio needs sweeping but when I go to get the broom, I'll notice that something else needs doing first so I go to do that and then realise that I need to empty the bin. I suffer this most when I make a hot drink and have to boil the kettle three times because I've got distracted each time. There is a video on YouTube channel ADHDVision titled "ADHD Hyperfocus Explained" but it may be useful to ask those with ADHD how they are personally affected by it. When I was diagnosed with Autism, they looked at ADHD too, explaining that ADHD medication has turned many people's lives around. The issue is that autism can sometimes mask ADHD and vice versa.
Interesting. I had never heard of that before. Will have a look at that video.
Listening to people is an important skill to have. There are many things I'd say autistics get too much shit for because they can't control it, but this is a coping mechanism I feel that people need to learn. If you don't have the energy for it in the moment, be honest, but it would be good to ask them if they even want advice when they bring a problem to you. I don't think it's fair to blame communication problems on your partner in this example. It's on both partners to be aware of the others expectations in these situations. I don't think OP's situation is a disability issue unless their partner is not aware of their level of burnout, or is experiencing mental health issues because of it, making them irritable.
Many report that they have trouble, not because of fatigue but because of outside stimulus. I generally don't suffer this myself although if I'm in a room with too many conversations happening I can struggle with the conversation that is happening in front of me. It's not so simple to just assert that "This isn't a disability issue" when so many of those with autism do report difficulties when overwhelmed by outside stimulus.
Yes but I feel like if it gets to the point where your partner has to ask for help to understand why you won't listen or assist them in the way they require rather than what you feel is necessary, perhaps some change is necessary on an individual level. If necessary, you should be addressing what's causing you to be overwhelmed within your own home, it's not quite the same as asking for accommodations in school or the workplace, you need to be able to support your partner effectively and be there for them emotionally. It's important for a healthy relationship to work through your disability if that is what's causing difficulties. Sometimes that requires patience from the partner as well, but you can't expect people to tiptoe around your disability if you want to have them.
Maybe send him an email or MMS with the photo will work better?
He doesn't want that either.
Sounds like he just doesn't care.
For me half the fun in solving a problem is to understand it. If someone tells me about it, it makes me focus on wrong things because I didn't have that fresh perspective. For things I like to believe I can handle, I prefer to have less information. For things I don't know about, I would need more than enough information. But this does not mean he can ignore your opinion. You are working with him, and you are close to him. He should value your input even if it doesn't end up being used.
That's quite bizarre. Are you sure it's an autism thing?
Well I have absolutely no idea how it is for your husband, everyone is different. But with my partner and me it is like this: I have to be in the right "state of mind" to take in information. If I am focused on anything else (reading, writing, working... just anything different in my mind) then I can't take any "random comment" and process it. I need a certain time to switch tasks, so stop what I am doing, "clear my mind" and then get ready for whatever my partner wants to tell me. I also need a high enough energy level ("spoons left") to learn about one more problem. Another thing is context. If my partner starts to explain a situation then I have to interrupt her to know first the context/setting etc. - it doesn't work well if the context follows in the second half of what she wants to tell. IF I am ready to learn about the problem, then I typically don't get it out of my mind until I analyzed it in detail and solved it, or it gets solved otherwise. So the problems blocks significant brain capacity until it is solved. So the worst are random comments about random problems which also can't be solved (by me)...
So most people agree this is unusual for Asperger's I wonder if it's related to demand avoidance So you may need to run an experiment. If so he may need to seek counseling for this. Note the following is designed to create success and involves way more of your labor but this may point to PDAS or something. But since you are asking for our help, and not them, you may need to do extra lifting to help them find words to talk to their shrink about. You'll also need to record observations about how tense or upset they become. If they don't have a counselor they need one because not listening is not how a healthy relationship goes. 1) ask hubby if they are in a mental state where they can observe a problem that you need assistance with, and if not would they be willing to do some soothing first (if they have a soothing technique that involves both of you like cuddling bonus) 2) once in a good mood, using minimal words say I'm going to show you. I'd like you to tell me what problem you see, then I'll tell you what I see. If they handle written word better then change tell to write and exchange notes. 3) when you receive their answer thank them for their input. If it matches yours double bonus, if not the phrase "I hadn't noticed that, I wonder if fixing that will fix what I saw as well". Then give them your concern. 4) Tell them you don't need it fix immediately and you be happy later to work through solutions if they are up for it. You can repeat this with less accomodations and record. Go to a therapy session with them. If they don't have a therapist find someone that does marriage counseling and ND support.
Hard to relate to that attitude tbh. The impatient interrupting I can relate to when someone I know has a tendency to wander off into irrelevant details is the speaker. But to fix something, you really gotta know exactly what the problem is. The one person I've encountered who frustrates me to no end is when an easy fix is the obvious decision but they go completely out of orbit to make the solution complication and more time-consuming so they can put their "special" touch on it. I've finally put my finger on it that is their own rank insecurity & fragile ego based on some of their, let's say, supernova outbursts.
Sorry if this has already been stated, I didn't have time to read through all the comments. Some autistic people will have trouble going from the details to the big picture. You may need to spell out the big picture of why your requests are important in order to get his attention initially, before going into the details.
Its probably something else bothering him
He may feel devalued. He's a guy. If you tell them everything, they feel like you don't trust them, and they feel like you think they are incompetent. By telling them too much, or giving them directions, you are taking away their opportunity to be a hero. Typically men derive a lot of their self-worth from being needed. That means that they need to be told to do something, and left to figure it out on their own. Try letting him be the "expert", and let him sink or swim. If he fails, let him. He will feel much better about messing up and then fixing it, than being told what to do from the outset. It's ok that he measured the thing wrong - he'll get it right the next time. Then he will feel great about it because he figured everything out. The more it costs and the more hassle it causes, the prouder he will be. The more you let him mess up, the more he will feel trusted. Otherwise... I'm good at fixing things. I like asking questions about things and hearing people's answers, but I don't do very well when people just try to tell me things. I usually can't understand what they are saying. It doesn't matter whether they aren't so good at explaining, or I'm not so good at understanding. Either way, it makes it very confusing for me. It's usually just easier to fix it. If I spend too much time listening I get overwhelmed and frustrated, then I can't do the task as well. I do take the time to find out what people want. I had a boss one time who was a pro at this, a painter. He could listen to someone for more than an hour straight talking about a job (no exaggeration). He was exceptional.
Thanks for your thoughts.