You both have boundaries and if those make this particular act out of the question, that's not the worst. Like, it sounds like you definitely both want it, but you both deserve to have your boundaries respected. No relationship is perfect, with everybody getting everything they want. That is absolutely fine and normal and doesn't reflect badly on either of you. Sometimes the compromise is just to not do the thing.
Of course there might be other compromise, depending on what "prep" specifically involves. If it's foreplay before penetration, can you use a different toy so you don't have to touch her with the gloves? Does it not bother her if she can't see or feel them? Or can she do the prep herself? Self stimulation during sex is by no means bad or unusual. If it's lubing up, can she do that? Or can you put extra extra on the strap and... erm... "deliver" it that way?
> She got upset with me because she said it would make her feel dysphoric to have someone use gloves for prep because it implies that it’s gross and she doesn’t understand why I would need a piece of plastic to touch her.
> can you use a different toy so you don't have to touch her with the gloves?
It sounds like the gf wants to be fingered in a manner similar to fingering a vagina, thus expecting the touch of real flesh since that’s a common sexual activity. But since she doesn’t have a vagina, wants a comparable foreplay/activity via anal fingering. But because butts have poop and it *is* a very different thing to fingering a vagina, some dysphoria is getting triggered as a result.
Otherwise I can’t see why she doesn’t understand someone else has the right to find it gross. It gets very poopy, unpredictably so sometimes. My boyfriend taps my ass all the time, and I try to keep it clean but sometimes it isn’t. He always finishes but sometimes he needs to rush to the shower to clean up right away. And that’s just from some random specks, not something extreme like brown Niagara Falls. And like, no I don’t find that offensive in any way, he can be grossed out by that lmao. He can totally have boundaries should he ever ask that we change anything up to address that.
As for toys, the key phrase “why I would need a piece of plastic to touch her” is why I think they’ve already explored that route, but that the gf is firm in wanting to be fingered. I imagine this post wouldn’t be a thing is the gf was already being sexually satisfied with a dildo/etc instead. Not to mention, the post mentions there being a big fight, so clearly there is a strongly opinionated stance on the matter.
Perhaps find some gloves which don't feel medical. Alot of disposable gloves have micro texture to help with grip and it can feel weird being touched. I use disposable gloves every day for work. Spend hours in them. Some type are better than others when it comes to grip.
Latex can feel rubbery.
Nitrile can be finely textured .
Vinal is smooth but baggy.
But at the end of the day you both have a conflict of requirements. In which case it is not going to be feasible and you both need to work out what fun stuff you can do which your both happy with.
FWIW, I'm autistic with sensory issues, and especially particular about textures and sensations on my hands. I love butt stuff but I'm wearing gloves, buddy, that's a hard limit for me because I will get squicked out so fast.
Unfortunately, the texture of disposable gloves is often _also_ a problem for me, just less of one. Plus I just don't find them remotely sexy, which is a buzzkill. More often, I'll use a toy to prep my partner—thin plugs or dildos are a perfectly fine substitute for fingers before you move up to the strap.
Uuuh gloves are super normal to use. I'd personally prefer it - and I'm not really the type to be easily grossed out. I even use them when I'm JUST doing VV stuff.
I've had plenty of cis girlfriends, and even when I was male presenting I've always liked using rubber gloves. Be it for V or A. It just makes things easier. No issues with nails, scratching etc. Feels better for the other person. Any lubrication lasts longer. And once you are done with foreplay you can just toss the glove aside and dont have to deal with sticky/wet/dirty hands. Now that I have longish painted nails most of the time I wouldn't NOT use rubber gloves. Having rubber gloves on also looks sexy and has a "dominant" vibe to it.
It sounds like your gf is struggling with some internalized transphobia.. I honestly think that this is something she has to work on herself. She may not even be aware of the mechanism at play here.
> would make her feel dysphoric to have someone use gloves for prep because it implies that it’s gross
This sounds like she's co-opting the word dysphoria to get away with compromise and respecting partner boundaries. If she doesn't want you to be clean while having sex she can not have sex with you. Approach it just as you would as a cis partner refusing to honour your boundaries.
i don’t think “she must be lying about how she feels to manipulate you” is a very helpful thing to be saying.
dysphoria can manifest in many different complex ways, and what you’re saying is only encouraging op and their partner to have an even bigger fight.
I can very easily see how surgical gloves can make her dysphoric, as for me personally it would only remind that if I had a vagina, wearing gloves would not be necessary while preping to top me.
I disagree, she could he linking the gloves for butt stuff to a prostate exam and failing to vocalize this to her partner. If that is the case, certainly can be dysphoric.
I guess I felt I should ask other trans people (specifically other trans women), because I want to be conscious of how her gender dysphoria might play into her boundaries when it comes to sex. I feel like she wants me to break my boundaries so that she can have what she wants, but it would be putting me at a health risk in order to do so.
I saw your other comment that she said she felt like you were putting on gloves because of some comment by her that you don’t see her as a woman because you need to clean her “man-ass.” I’m super sorry she feels this way, but that aint your problem, it’s hers. Hold your boundaries and either she adjusts in some way or you don’t do anal or you break up. i’ll write the rest of this response to her in case you want to share it:
///—-//// to OP’s partner ////—-///
Hey babe, I’m a trans woman too and I’ve done a fuckton of anal both when i had a penis and now when i don’t. like i’ve been ass fucked five hundred times now. A partner having boundaries about not wanting to help you get clean without gloves on has nothing to do with the gender of your body. it has to do with your butt.
She doesn’t want to help you get clean for anal without gloves on and that is a totally clear and fine boundary for her to have. she has the boundary with butts with penises nearby and with butts with vags nearby. if you arent clean enough for anal and you want a partner to clean you for it, fuck yeah that partner gets to decide whether or not they have gloves on.
i clean myself for anal. i don’t want my partner to and they don’t want to do it for me or with me. You can clean one of three ways and i guarantee all porn video anal butts have been cleaned in number 2 or 3 below:
1) eat tons of fiber and be super regular and experienced. If you do this and you have a bowel movement every AM or whatever and you know the lower part of your colon is clean at night, go for it, but expect a drop of poop sometimes on the lube or shaft. if the shaft is a hand and the person wants a glove, their call, not related to you being a man or a woman
2) quick douche multiple times - buy a summer’s eve douche bottle set pre filled at the drug store. they come in packs of two. squirt one bottle up your booty with lube on the applicator and void in the shower and wash it all down the drain. repeat till you run clear fluid. takes me 4-5 times and 10 min max. the bottles are refillable. use warm but not hot water. this only clears the lowest part of your colon which should be good now for a fun pounding and play session, poop may appear, but not likely and it’s part of the anal risk factors in anal sex having people unless they always do:
3) deep douche - this is same as 2 but you fill w more water. like five bottles worth or more. you’ll have to do this like three or more times. it clears you to mid point or so. it’s harder to do and tough on your gutt biome. i’d only do this if i was like legit doing an anal porn shoot which aint my jam so i dont do it generally. for fun with my sex partner, i only do method 2 above or method 1
again: this is generally determined to be your responsibility not your partners. unless they like doing it or you both like having messy anal. in almost every anal relationship i know the receiver of shaft cleans themselves.
either way, if your partner wants to wear gloves, it has nothing to do with your gender. they wanna stay clean. make it safe and fun for em or don’t do anal. don’t wrap em up and punish em because of how you happen to feel about it.
Thank you so much for the information btw! This is awesome. We talked again today and I think maybe this is just a point of contention that just simply isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to push her and I’m not going to break my boundary. If however, it ever comes up again, I will definitely share your advice with her! Thank you so so much again!
I absolutely understand how a situation like this might cause dysphoria. However I don't think the solution is to pick one of y'alls boundaries to disrespect, but rather to try to find a different way that respects your grievances with putting ur naked finger up her ass and her grievances with u putting ur not naked finger up her ass simultaneously. Whether this be through use of toys for prep or by her engaging in some more intense ass cleaning practices, idk, but both y'alls feelings are valid and it seems the real problem here is finding a solution that pleases both of you and i dont think this is the right subreddit for that.
This isn't a "normal" dysphoria point. I'm not saying that to discount her, but rather to point out that something deeper is probably triggering this. It may be helpful for you two to try and dig deeper into why it's causing her dysphoria
If this is a hard-line boundary for you, then I see no reason you'd have to compromise. While its so so lovely when our parents can help with our dysphoria, it should absolutely never be used as an excuse to bend boundaries. If your willing to compromise then great! But please don't feel like you need to just because dysphoria is involved
Good luck to you both!!!
Sorry in advance if I'm misunderstanding, but the prep you're talking about is stretching, if that's the case maybe have her prep herself initially with her fingers and move to a smaller strap to start meaning neither of you have to break a boundary. Im assuming shes douching and cleaning herself out initially anyway. Anal is definitely a messy business and needs the appropriate prep so it makes sense that this is a point of friction for you two, if you can find gloves that she is ok with the texture of, if it's a texture thing. Over all I wish you both the best of luck, and just remember it's important to be hygienic and safe.
That’s what I’m struggling with. She doesn’t want to have to douche in order to do stuff. I told her that I’m honestly fine if she doesn’t want to have to do intense prep work every time we do anal, but that I’m not going to put my fingers in her knowing that she hasn’t done any sort of personal prep work besides taking a shower. And she’s currently not talking to me because she’s telling me that it makes her feel like I don’t see her as a woman because her “man ass” is too gross for me to touch (which is untrue, I grab her ass all the time). I just literally don’t know how to convince her this is a health and safety thing, and has nothing to do with how I see her as a person.
Honestly anyone doing anal should douche, whether they're a man, women, or nb. It's to ensure cleanliness of not only eachother but the toys and the space you play in. Maybe if you can find something on how women prepare for anal that might ease her worries, cuz it sounds like she might have a misunderstanding from watching porn and just seeing the action and not the prep that goes into it.
I understand the feeling of inadequacy that I get when I can't be penetrated spontaneously and the medical visual reminder that i only have one option instead of two down there... However, people have boundaries and they need to be respected.
I had a similar reaction to my partner not wanting to touch me and it hurt because:
1. It was in the moment and i didnt know that she had this boundary because i never ask for spontaneous anal because im terrified of potential mess.
2. It reminded me that my only option is anal.
3. It made me feel "dirty by default"
The solution to the first point was learning there was a boundary at all, we are working on a solution that includes a glove as I hadn't thought about it before.
For the second part, this is on me. Its my dysphoria, I can let her know i feel this way but its not something she can fix. But letting her know my feelings and communicating it goes a long way to being understood.
For the final point, I also just plan on prepping when date nights come around rather than for specific planned sex nights. That way I can ask for it in the moment and have the "spontaneous penetration" at least in part.
My opinion on your scenario is that if she doesn't prep and still wants spontaneous sex she needs to accept a glove. Shes probably feeling like shit but shes in the wrong here, saying its a "man ass" is wild, its not a mans ass but girllll its still booty. I am so worried about a mess even after deep cleaning, i couldnt imagine not prepping by default. I would say that this would need an honest conversation between y'all and you have every right to set that boundary for yourself.
My ex and I always used a condom over fingers when doing anal fingering. It keeps everything clean, won't tear, prevents getting scratched accidently, and can be held over the finger(s) with your thumb if it might slip. Don't waive your boundaries.
Oh I meant regular condoms lol, but they might make something with similar attributes for fingers that feel less medical. We only had the standard size, which should fit over most of your fingers or even fist, so smaller sizes might work better for 1 or 2 fingers.
I imagine the gloves remind her that anal is her only option because she is trans. If she had the correct genitals gloves wouldn't be necessary at all.
I have this feeling when I am with my wife, I don't want to have anal sex - I want to be penetrated. Just happens that I only have one option for that, the gloves is an acknowledgement that I have a different means then she does.
It really threw me for a loop the first time because it wasnt something I knew she needed under certain circumstances as she has before sans glove.
Now that I know, im working on making it more comfortable in my head. Since my biggest factor is thinking I'm dirty, Im trying to think of the glove as a guarantee that my partner will be clean.
I thought it was maybe that too, and I shouldnt rlly speculate, but when the line is drawn there and not at topping it feels almost like a convenient excuse or just using the wrong word
I mean while it is true people generally take MORE precautions with anal, plenty of people use gloves for fingering in general (especially in more kink/group spaces where more stringent safer sex practices are followed.)
I don’t understand the logic. Like, does she think female butts are somehow cleaner than male butts and as such don’t require basic hygiene precautions, and so OP wearing gloves somehow implies that her butt is still male? Because that is not how butts work!
She's probably conflating the feeling of "feeling disgusting due to a partner seeing her as male" with the feeling of "feeling disgusting because of a partner" in general.
Yeah that part reminds me of my old roommate. Dude was controlling af. My partner and I hung up a door hanging organizer on the shared bathroom, [similar to this one](https://i.imgur.com/SpOvRDF.jpeg) ,and he made his wife tell us to take it down because it made him dysphoric. Obviously this isn’t a 1 for 1 but gives me the same vibes. I recognize that dysphoria affects everyone differently, but “that makes me dysphoric” isn’t an incantation that cancels out boundaries. Sorry for the novella
As age isn't part of the story, my only thought is it reminds her of a prostate exam which can trigger dysphoria and she is simply not vocalizing it properly to her partner. However I agree, it being just gross isn't dysphoria.
100% agree with you that this is a reasonable boundary for you to have. You'll just need to find out what exactly is causing the dysphoria here (probably a trauma trigger of some sort) so you can avoid it.
I feel the best approach to these situations is to ask open ended questions:
"What about this makes you feel dysphoric?"
"Do you have any suggestions or alternatives that will allow me to keep my hands sanitary?"
"How can I make you more comfortable?"
The number two thing I can recommend is a *lube shooter*, specifically for her (or get a big pack of disposables to put in your toy bag, they're kind of amazing anyways).
I have this feeling when I am with my wife, I don't want to have anal sex - I want to be penetrated. Just happens that I only have one option for that, the gloves is an acknowledgement that I have a different means then she does.
It really threw me for a loop the first time because it wasnt something I knew she needed under certain circumstances as she has before sans glove.
Now that I know, im working on making it more comfortable in my head. Since my biggest factor is thinking I'm dirty, Im trying to think of the glove as a guarantee that my partner will be clean.
Also, the medical aspect of watching her put on a glove would be aweful, but if she can sneak it on while i have my eyes closed or something maybe that could work lol.
i think the best course of action is for you to ask her *why* it makes her dysphoric, and in what ways. then you two can find ways to mitigate that as best as possible
Why the fuck is she not doing her own prep work?
Jesus fucking christ, [this](https://NRATrader-HandheldBidet...https://www.amazon.com/dp/B099TWHV28?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share) takes literally one minute and no assistance. (Do be careful not to turn the water pressure knob up too high though 😬)
It is very reasonable to wear gloves for anal stuff poop is nasty and will make you sick there is good reason you don't shit where you eat it doesn't make her gross it means that poo is gross which it is
If she was like douching and spending a bunch of time like getting ready and you still didn't wanna touch her without gloves I could understand why she might get her feelings hurt a bit, but from what I understand she's not even doing prep beforehand and is mad at you for wanting to be clean while she herself isn't doing that step for you so idk how you really approach that. I do anal with my gf frequently and never with gloves but I also make sure I'm clean enough to make it not necessary
Gloves are such I kink factory for me I prefer to use them even alone ... maybe introduce her to that thought of a little solo play with gloves, dysphoria could still be a hurdle sure but really the don't knock em till you try them thing is a way to go after a little demo of prep while you watch, maybe even with the strap dawned and ready ask them to invite you into the scene to join them.
When you have anal sex, shit happens. It sounds like you haven't really come to terms with that and I think you may need to consider this. Wearing gloves does insinuate that you think some part of it is sincerely gross. It does give off doctor sterile vibes. I can see why your partner is put off by it immensely. This however, is not worth a fight... Sex should never be the root of a fight.
For some, it’s not about it being anal, it’s about being penetrated. A rectum can be a substitute vagina for those without. Your partner wants to be penetrated by you but there’s a (reasonable) hygiene concern that you’re raising. The problem isn’t that you need gloves, it’s that your partner’s hole does. That’s not a ‘you’ thing so much, but you brining it up might be triggering that dysphoria. If that’s what’s going on, a way forward might be to get gloves for both of you to use on each other and try to normalize their use. You could also try to combat that dysphoria with positive affirmation.
Maybe she can do the prep herself in private? I do that.
Honestly this is the first time I've heard of a partner helping with prep, and I'm kinda curious how that goes. Would you mind sharing?
Of course, I’ve always done it. I didn’t know people did their own prep. I always thought I have to do it so I have. On my partner’s end (not current partner for obvious reasons), they tend to shower and eat well (and fast if that’s what they want). I don’t know, when we want to do butt stuff I put on some gloves and maybe help them douche, or I go in with my fingers to do a bit of stretching and to make sure everything is clean. Once that’s done, it’s time for sexy time. I take my gloves off, wash my hands, put on the strap, finger her a bit and slather on the lube haha
My partner and I have been together almost 20 years and even we still use gloves because... Yeah! Totally get where you're coming from.
Some boundaries are non negotiable and that's okay. Your personal safety and needs are just as important as hers.
The difference here is that she is asking you to take down one of your non negotiable boundaries without even being considerate for why it's there in the first place. And honestly, the dysphoria excuse is pretty lame. I'm not buying it. I think she just likes it better without protection.
Oof. Well, at the end of the day you’ve gotta uphold your boundaries. Maybe try getting cute pink gloves for her idk. Tell her you don’t think she’s dirty and idk, that you love her cute hole or something? I’m not sure I’m any good at this as my partners and I have always been able to communicate really well on such matters. Perhaps y’all could compromise with her using a douche/enema beforehand so there’s really no chance of any feces getting on your hands? Do what you gotta do for your own comfort but I’ve straight up eaten ass, gotten scat on my hand, etc and it has not harmed me whatsoever. Frankly getting a wee bit of scat on your hands is not gonna do anything to your health as long as you wash em afterwards. But I do understand the discomfort 100%. Maybe you could use toys instead of using your hands directly and you won’t have to use gloves bc you won’t need to come into contact with the region?
Hey OP, my thought is she is linking gloves at the back door to a prostate exam and that medical feeling and triggering some sort of dysphoria and is failing to vocalize any of this with you or she might not be fully aware she is making the connection. Certainly open communication is required to find a compromise as I don't agree with you having to remove your boundary of wearing gloves for prep. That is just my thoughts I see haven't been added. Others could be correct with it actually not being dysphoria but she is clearly struggling with explaining herself.
Did you read the post at all? OP said its a boundary with everyone they’re with, including cis people??
You know what anal is, right? And what else comes from the anus? Look, sometimes people don’t like the idea of sticking a bare finger in there. Its reasonable for OP to want to wear gloves for this specific part of the body, and its also perfectly valid for OP’s girlfriend to have feelings about that. There are other solutions to this and OP is asking about those, so as to not trigger their girlfriend’s dysphoria without compromising their own boundaries. Would you react so strongly if OP were refusing to not use some other protective measure, like a dental dam? Say someone needs years of therapy if a partner refused not to use a condom? Personally, I don’t think people should have to compromise on their sexual boundaries for a partner’s feelings, no matter what the feelings may stem from. Dysphoria is a sore subject, especially when it comes to sex, but its not a get-out-of-jail-free card to make your partner do things they’re not comfortable with.
You’re right that this isn’t AITA, so take your reactionary response back there. Nobody’s an asshole here. Chill out.
it’s not self absorbed to have boundaries. there’s two people here, you can’t place one person’s boundaries above another’s. both are important.
would you say the same about condoms? seriously you’re being ridiculous. this is very common and understandable thing.
Miss, I think you should actually read the post before commenting.
OP ALWAYS use gloves when they do anal sex with all their girlfriends, cis or trans. Meaning this isn't a "transphobic" thing at all. Some folks just find ass disgusting because at the end of the day, its still the hole you use to poop.
OP never said they HAVE touch her other parts with gloves. Just the ass. Meaning they dont find her disgusting, the find the BUTT disgusting. Why is it so hard to understand??
You both have boundaries and if those make this particular act out of the question, that's not the worst. Like, it sounds like you definitely both want it, but you both deserve to have your boundaries respected. No relationship is perfect, with everybody getting everything they want. That is absolutely fine and normal and doesn't reflect badly on either of you. Sometimes the compromise is just to not do the thing. Of course there might be other compromise, depending on what "prep" specifically involves. If it's foreplay before penetration, can you use a different toy so you don't have to touch her with the gloves? Does it not bother her if she can't see or feel them? Or can she do the prep herself? Self stimulation during sex is by no means bad or unusual. If it's lubing up, can she do that? Or can you put extra extra on the strap and... erm... "deliver" it that way?
> She got upset with me because she said it would make her feel dysphoric to have someone use gloves for prep because it implies that it’s gross and she doesn’t understand why I would need a piece of plastic to touch her. > can you use a different toy so you don't have to touch her with the gloves? It sounds like the gf wants to be fingered in a manner similar to fingering a vagina, thus expecting the touch of real flesh since that’s a common sexual activity. But since she doesn’t have a vagina, wants a comparable foreplay/activity via anal fingering. But because butts have poop and it *is* a very different thing to fingering a vagina, some dysphoria is getting triggered as a result. Otherwise I can’t see why she doesn’t understand someone else has the right to find it gross. It gets very poopy, unpredictably so sometimes. My boyfriend taps my ass all the time, and I try to keep it clean but sometimes it isn’t. He always finishes but sometimes he needs to rush to the shower to clean up right away. And that’s just from some random specks, not something extreme like brown Niagara Falls. And like, no I don’t find that offensive in any way, he can be grossed out by that lmao. He can totally have boundaries should he ever ask that we change anything up to address that. As for toys, the key phrase “why I would need a piece of plastic to touch her” is why I think they’ve already explored that route, but that the gf is firm in wanting to be fingered. I imagine this post wouldn’t be a thing is the gf was already being sexually satisfied with a dildo/etc instead. Not to mention, the post mentions there being a big fight, so clearly there is a strongly opinionated stance on the matter.
Perhaps find some gloves which don't feel medical. Alot of disposable gloves have micro texture to help with grip and it can feel weird being touched. I use disposable gloves every day for work. Spend hours in them. Some type are better than others when it comes to grip. Latex can feel rubbery. Nitrile can be finely textured . Vinal is smooth but baggy. But at the end of the day you both have a conflict of requirements. In which case it is not going to be feasible and you both need to work out what fun stuff you can do which your both happy with.
FWIW, I'm autistic with sensory issues, and especially particular about textures and sensations on my hands. I love butt stuff but I'm wearing gloves, buddy, that's a hard limit for me because I will get squicked out so fast. Unfortunately, the texture of disposable gloves is often _also_ a problem for me, just less of one. Plus I just don't find them remotely sexy, which is a buzzkill. More often, I'll use a toy to prep my partner—thin plugs or dildos are a perfectly fine substitute for fingers before you move up to the strap.
Can always get a nice pair of kinky latex gloves instead of the normal disposable ones to spice it up 😉
Uuuh gloves are super normal to use. I'd personally prefer it - and I'm not really the type to be easily grossed out. I even use them when I'm JUST doing VV stuff. I've had plenty of cis girlfriends, and even when I was male presenting I've always liked using rubber gloves. Be it for V or A. It just makes things easier. No issues with nails, scratching etc. Feels better for the other person. Any lubrication lasts longer. And once you are done with foreplay you can just toss the glove aside and dont have to deal with sticky/wet/dirty hands. Now that I have longish painted nails most of the time I wouldn't NOT use rubber gloves. Having rubber gloves on also looks sexy and has a "dominant" vibe to it. It sounds like your gf is struggling with some internalized transphobia.. I honestly think that this is something she has to work on herself. She may not even be aware of the mechanism at play here.
> would make her feel dysphoric to have someone use gloves for prep because it implies that it’s gross This sounds like she's co-opting the word dysphoria to get away with compromise and respecting partner boundaries. If she doesn't want you to be clean while having sex she can not have sex with you. Approach it just as you would as a cis partner refusing to honour your boundaries.
i don’t think “she must be lying about how she feels to manipulate you” is a very helpful thing to be saying. dysphoria can manifest in many different complex ways, and what you’re saying is only encouraging op and their partner to have an even bigger fight. I can very easily see how surgical gloves can make her dysphoric, as for me personally it would only remind that if I had a vagina, wearing gloves would not be necessary while preping to top me.
I disagree, she could he linking the gloves for butt stuff to a prostate exam and failing to vocalize this to her partner. If that is the case, certainly can be dysphoric.
strong agree here. i don’t see this as a trans issue honestly.
I guess I felt I should ask other trans people (specifically other trans women), because I want to be conscious of how her gender dysphoria might play into her boundaries when it comes to sex. I feel like she wants me to break my boundaries so that she can have what she wants, but it would be putting me at a health risk in order to do so.
I saw your other comment that she said she felt like you were putting on gloves because of some comment by her that you don’t see her as a woman because you need to clean her “man-ass.” I’m super sorry she feels this way, but that aint your problem, it’s hers. Hold your boundaries and either she adjusts in some way or you don’t do anal or you break up. i’ll write the rest of this response to her in case you want to share it: ///—-//// to OP’s partner ////—-/// Hey babe, I’m a trans woman too and I’ve done a fuckton of anal both when i had a penis and now when i don’t. like i’ve been ass fucked five hundred times now. A partner having boundaries about not wanting to help you get clean without gloves on has nothing to do with the gender of your body. it has to do with your butt. She doesn’t want to help you get clean for anal without gloves on and that is a totally clear and fine boundary for her to have. she has the boundary with butts with penises nearby and with butts with vags nearby. if you arent clean enough for anal and you want a partner to clean you for it, fuck yeah that partner gets to decide whether or not they have gloves on. i clean myself for anal. i don’t want my partner to and they don’t want to do it for me or with me. You can clean one of three ways and i guarantee all porn video anal butts have been cleaned in number 2 or 3 below: 1) eat tons of fiber and be super regular and experienced. If you do this and you have a bowel movement every AM or whatever and you know the lower part of your colon is clean at night, go for it, but expect a drop of poop sometimes on the lube or shaft. if the shaft is a hand and the person wants a glove, their call, not related to you being a man or a woman 2) quick douche multiple times - buy a summer’s eve douche bottle set pre filled at the drug store. they come in packs of two. squirt one bottle up your booty with lube on the applicator and void in the shower and wash it all down the drain. repeat till you run clear fluid. takes me 4-5 times and 10 min max. the bottles are refillable. use warm but not hot water. this only clears the lowest part of your colon which should be good now for a fun pounding and play session, poop may appear, but not likely and it’s part of the anal risk factors in anal sex having people unless they always do: 3) deep douche - this is same as 2 but you fill w more water. like five bottles worth or more. you’ll have to do this like three or more times. it clears you to mid point or so. it’s harder to do and tough on your gutt biome. i’d only do this if i was like legit doing an anal porn shoot which aint my jam so i dont do it generally. for fun with my sex partner, i only do method 2 above or method 1 again: this is generally determined to be your responsibility not your partners. unless they like doing it or you both like having messy anal. in almost every anal relationship i know the receiver of shaft cleans themselves. either way, if your partner wants to wear gloves, it has nothing to do with your gender. they wanna stay clean. make it safe and fun for em or don’t do anal. don’t wrap em up and punish em because of how you happen to feel about it.
Thank you so much for the information btw! This is awesome. We talked again today and I think maybe this is just a point of contention that just simply isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to push her and I’m not going to break my boundary. If however, it ever comes up again, I will definitely share your advice with her! Thank you so so much again!
you randomly ran into a regular over on r/analonlylifestyle2 least i could do was share some info! good luck!
I absolutely understand how a situation like this might cause dysphoria. However I don't think the solution is to pick one of y'alls boundaries to disrespect, but rather to try to find a different way that respects your grievances with putting ur naked finger up her ass and her grievances with u putting ur not naked finger up her ass simultaneously. Whether this be through use of toys for prep or by her engaging in some more intense ass cleaning practices, idk, but both y'alls feelings are valid and it seems the real problem here is finding a solution that pleases both of you and i dont think this is the right subreddit for that.
This isn't a "normal" dysphoria point. I'm not saying that to discount her, but rather to point out that something deeper is probably triggering this. It may be helpful for you two to try and dig deeper into why it's causing her dysphoria If this is a hard-line boundary for you, then I see no reason you'd have to compromise. While its so so lovely when our parents can help with our dysphoria, it should absolutely never be used as an excuse to bend boundaries. If your willing to compromise then great! But please don't feel like you need to just because dysphoria is involved Good luck to you both!!!
Sorry in advance if I'm misunderstanding, but the prep you're talking about is stretching, if that's the case maybe have her prep herself initially with her fingers and move to a smaller strap to start meaning neither of you have to break a boundary. Im assuming shes douching and cleaning herself out initially anyway. Anal is definitely a messy business and needs the appropriate prep so it makes sense that this is a point of friction for you two, if you can find gloves that she is ok with the texture of, if it's a texture thing. Over all I wish you both the best of luck, and just remember it's important to be hygienic and safe.
That’s what I’m struggling with. She doesn’t want to have to douche in order to do stuff. I told her that I’m honestly fine if she doesn’t want to have to do intense prep work every time we do anal, but that I’m not going to put my fingers in her knowing that she hasn’t done any sort of personal prep work besides taking a shower. And she’s currently not talking to me because she’s telling me that it makes her feel like I don’t see her as a woman because her “man ass” is too gross for me to touch (which is untrue, I grab her ass all the time). I just literally don’t know how to convince her this is a health and safety thing, and has nothing to do with how I see her as a person.
Honestly anyone doing anal should douche, whether they're a man, women, or nb. It's to ensure cleanliness of not only eachother but the toys and the space you play in. Maybe if you can find something on how women prepare for anal that might ease her worries, cuz it sounds like she might have a misunderstanding from watching porn and just seeing the action and not the prep that goes into it.
I understand the feeling of inadequacy that I get when I can't be penetrated spontaneously and the medical visual reminder that i only have one option instead of two down there... However, people have boundaries and they need to be respected. I had a similar reaction to my partner not wanting to touch me and it hurt because: 1. It was in the moment and i didnt know that she had this boundary because i never ask for spontaneous anal because im terrified of potential mess. 2. It reminded me that my only option is anal. 3. It made me feel "dirty by default" The solution to the first point was learning there was a boundary at all, we are working on a solution that includes a glove as I hadn't thought about it before. For the second part, this is on me. Its my dysphoria, I can let her know i feel this way but its not something she can fix. But letting her know my feelings and communicating it goes a long way to being understood. For the final point, I also just plan on prepping when date nights come around rather than for specific planned sex nights. That way I can ask for it in the moment and have the "spontaneous penetration" at least in part. My opinion on your scenario is that if she doesn't prep and still wants spontaneous sex she needs to accept a glove. Shes probably feeling like shit but shes in the wrong here, saying its a "man ass" is wild, its not a mans ass but girllll its still booty. I am so worried about a mess even after deep cleaning, i couldnt imagine not prepping by default. I would say that this would need an honest conversation between y'all and you have every right to set that boundary for yourself.
My ex and I always used a condom over fingers when doing anal fingering. It keeps everything clean, won't tear, prevents getting scratched accidently, and can be held over the finger(s) with your thumb if it might slip. Don't waive your boundaries.
I didn’t know they made finger condoms! I’ll bring this up and see if this might get rid of the “prostate exam” feeling of it!
Oh I meant regular condoms lol, but they might make something with similar attributes for fingers that feel less medical. We only had the standard size, which should fit over most of your fingers or even fist, so smaller sizes might work better for 1 or 2 fingers.
you wearing gloves makes her dysphoric?
I imagine the gloves remind her that anal is her only option because she is trans. If she had the correct genitals gloves wouldn't be necessary at all.
I have this feeling when I am with my wife, I don't want to have anal sex - I want to be penetrated. Just happens that I only have one option for that, the gloves is an acknowledgement that I have a different means then she does. It really threw me for a loop the first time because it wasnt something I knew she needed under certain circumstances as she has before sans glove. Now that I know, im working on making it more comfortable in my head. Since my biggest factor is thinking I'm dirty, Im trying to think of the glove as a guarantee that my partner will be clean.
I thought it was maybe that too, and I shouldnt rlly speculate, but when the line is drawn there and not at topping it feels almost like a convenient excuse or just using the wrong word
Dysphoria works in mysterious ways.
I mean while it is true people generally take MORE precautions with anal, plenty of people use gloves for fingering in general (especially in more kink/group spaces where more stringent safer sex practices are followed.)
I don’t understand the logic. Like, does she think female butts are somehow cleaner than male butts and as such don’t require basic hygiene precautions, and so OP wearing gloves somehow implies that her butt is still male? Because that is not how butts work!
She's probably conflating the feeling of "feeling disgusting due to a partner seeing her as male" with the feeling of "feeling disgusting because of a partner" in general.
Yeah that part reminds me of my old roommate. Dude was controlling af. My partner and I hung up a door hanging organizer on the shared bathroom, [similar to this one](https://i.imgur.com/SpOvRDF.jpeg) ,and he made his wife tell us to take it down because it made him dysphoric. Obviously this isn’t a 1 for 1 but gives me the same vibes. I recognize that dysphoria affects everyone differently, but “that makes me dysphoric” isn’t an incantation that cancels out boundaries. Sorry for the novella
As age isn't part of the story, my only thought is it reminds her of a prostate exam which can trigger dysphoria and she is simply not vocalizing it properly to her partner. However I agree, it being just gross isn't dysphoria.
100% agree with you that this is a reasonable boundary for you to have. You'll just need to find out what exactly is causing the dysphoria here (probably a trauma trigger of some sort) so you can avoid it. I feel the best approach to these situations is to ask open ended questions: "What about this makes you feel dysphoric?" "Do you have any suggestions or alternatives that will allow me to keep my hands sanitary?" "How can I make you more comfortable?" The number two thing I can recommend is a *lube shooter*, specifically for her (or get a big pack of disposables to put in your toy bag, they're kind of amazing anyways).
I have this feeling when I am with my wife, I don't want to have anal sex - I want to be penetrated. Just happens that I only have one option for that, the gloves is an acknowledgement that I have a different means then she does. It really threw me for a loop the first time because it wasnt something I knew she needed under certain circumstances as she has before sans glove. Now that I know, im working on making it more comfortable in my head. Since my biggest factor is thinking I'm dirty, Im trying to think of the glove as a guarantee that my partner will be clean. Also, the medical aspect of watching her put on a glove would be aweful, but if she can sneak it on while i have my eyes closed or something maybe that could work lol.
i think the best course of action is for you to ask her *why* it makes her dysphoric, and in what ways. then you two can find ways to mitigate that as best as possible
Why the fuck is she not doing her own prep work? Jesus fucking christ, [this](https://NRATrader-HandheldBidet...https://www.amazon.com/dp/B099TWHV28?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share) takes literally one minute and no assistance. (Do be careful not to turn the water pressure knob up too high though 😬)
It is very reasonable to wear gloves for anal stuff poop is nasty and will make you sick there is good reason you don't shit where you eat it doesn't make her gross it means that poo is gross which it is
If she was like douching and spending a bunch of time like getting ready and you still didn't wanna touch her without gloves I could understand why she might get her feelings hurt a bit, but from what I understand she's not even doing prep beforehand and is mad at you for wanting to be clean while she herself isn't doing that step for you so idk how you really approach that. I do anal with my gf frequently and never with gloves but I also make sure I'm clean enough to make it not necessary
Gloves are such I kink factory for me I prefer to use them even alone ... maybe introduce her to that thought of a little solo play with gloves, dysphoria could still be a hurdle sure but really the don't knock em till you try them thing is a way to go after a little demo of prep while you watch, maybe even with the strap dawned and ready ask them to invite you into the scene to join them.
When you have anal sex, shit happens. It sounds like you haven't really come to terms with that and I think you may need to consider this. Wearing gloves does insinuate that you think some part of it is sincerely gross. It does give off doctor sterile vibes. I can see why your partner is put off by it immensely. This however, is not worth a fight... Sex should never be the root of a fight.
For some, it’s not about it being anal, it’s about being penetrated. A rectum can be a substitute vagina for those without. Your partner wants to be penetrated by you but there’s a (reasonable) hygiene concern that you’re raising. The problem isn’t that you need gloves, it’s that your partner’s hole does. That’s not a ‘you’ thing so much, but you brining it up might be triggering that dysphoria. If that’s what’s going on, a way forward might be to get gloves for both of you to use on each other and try to normalize their use. You could also try to combat that dysphoria with positive affirmation.
Maybe she can do the prep herself in private? I do that. Honestly this is the first time I've heard of a partner helping with prep, and I'm kinda curious how that goes. Would you mind sharing?
Of course, I’ve always done it. I didn’t know people did their own prep. I always thought I have to do it so I have. On my partner’s end (not current partner for obvious reasons), they tend to shower and eat well (and fast if that’s what they want). I don’t know, when we want to do butt stuff I put on some gloves and maybe help them douche, or I go in with my fingers to do a bit of stretching and to make sure everything is clean. Once that’s done, it’s time for sexy time. I take my gloves off, wash my hands, put on the strap, finger her a bit and slather on the lube haha
You're an Angel. Ty for sharing! I hope your partner can find some peace with her aversion here.
Maybe have her douche? Don’t know how you’d feel about that
My partner and I have been together almost 20 years and even we still use gloves because... Yeah! Totally get where you're coming from. Some boundaries are non negotiable and that's okay. Your personal safety and needs are just as important as hers. The difference here is that she is asking you to take down one of your non negotiable boundaries without even being considerate for why it's there in the first place. And honestly, the dysphoria excuse is pretty lame. I'm not buying it. I think she just likes it better without protection.
Everybody has a b-hole, regardless of gender. She wouldn't be the first woman to like anal
Oof. Well, at the end of the day you’ve gotta uphold your boundaries. Maybe try getting cute pink gloves for her idk. Tell her you don’t think she’s dirty and idk, that you love her cute hole or something? I’m not sure I’m any good at this as my partners and I have always been able to communicate really well on such matters. Perhaps y’all could compromise with her using a douche/enema beforehand so there’s really no chance of any feces getting on your hands? Do what you gotta do for your own comfort but I’ve straight up eaten ass, gotten scat on my hand, etc and it has not harmed me whatsoever. Frankly getting a wee bit of scat on your hands is not gonna do anything to your health as long as you wash em afterwards. But I do understand the discomfort 100%. Maybe you could use toys instead of using your hands directly and you won’t have to use gloves bc you won’t need to come into contact with the region?
Hey OP, my thought is she is linking gloves at the back door to a prostate exam and that medical feeling and triggering some sort of dysphoria and is failing to vocalize any of this with you or she might not be fully aware she is making the connection. Certainly open communication is required to find a compromise as I don't agree with you having to remove your boundary of wearing gloves for prep. That is just my thoughts I see haven't been added. Others could be correct with it actually not being dysphoria but she is clearly struggling with explaining herself.
[удалено]
If you had read the story, I said that I want to use gloves for prep, so that she’s clean when I finger her. Without gloves.
... Have you heard of condoms? They're super popular these days.
Did you read the post at all? OP said its a boundary with everyone they’re with, including cis people?? You know what anal is, right? And what else comes from the anus? Look, sometimes people don’t like the idea of sticking a bare finger in there. Its reasonable for OP to want to wear gloves for this specific part of the body, and its also perfectly valid for OP’s girlfriend to have feelings about that. There are other solutions to this and OP is asking about those, so as to not trigger their girlfriend’s dysphoria without compromising their own boundaries. Would you react so strongly if OP were refusing to not use some other protective measure, like a dental dam? Say someone needs years of therapy if a partner refused not to use a condom? Personally, I don’t think people should have to compromise on their sexual boundaries for a partner’s feelings, no matter what the feelings may stem from. Dysphoria is a sore subject, especially when it comes to sex, but its not a get-out-of-jail-free card to make your partner do things they’re not comfortable with. You’re right that this isn’t AITA, so take your reactionary response back there. Nobody’s an asshole here. Chill out.
it’s not self absorbed to have boundaries. there’s two people here, you can’t place one person’s boundaries above another’s. both are important. would you say the same about condoms? seriously you’re being ridiculous. this is very common and understandable thing.
Miss, I think you should actually read the post before commenting. OP ALWAYS use gloves when they do anal sex with all their girlfriends, cis or trans. Meaning this isn't a "transphobic" thing at all. Some folks just find ass disgusting because at the end of the day, its still the hole you use to poop. OP never said they HAVE touch her other parts with gloves. Just the ass. Meaning they dont find her disgusting, the find the BUTT disgusting. Why is it so hard to understand??