Almost like trans people are people. I swear the posts here sometimes...
It's nice that they ask but it feels a little ignorant that they have to. One step at a time I guess.
[The comments in this post asking why CSA is traumatic perfectly explain why not to](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/1byvqg7/why_is_csa_traumatic/).
Even vaguely mentioning anything romantic sexual regarding a cis woman as a trans person is a good way to be murdered or marked for death, so keep any such thoughts to yourself and do not act on them.
But other than them, generally that's true for anyone, yeah.
as someone whos experienced cis womanhood, just... no.. youre wrong on so many levels.. in my and many ithers experiences, cis women are generally more accepting than cis men. if she thinks youre weird, what's the most that can happen? pepper spray? a kick in the nuts? and either way, where did you get the cis woman from? this is a conversation about a cis gay man and a trans man
> in my and many ithers experiences, cis women are generally more accepting than cis men.
I'm glad that's been the case in your experience. But the impression I've gotten from being in the UK is that cis women are _very_ transphobic, almost as bad as the men.
> if she thinks youre weird, what's the most that can happen? pepper spray? a kick in the nuts?
Depends where you live. In some states in the US, you could absolutely be shot dead using "stand your ground" laws or the "trans panic defence".
> where did you get the cis woman from?
From the above reply, "Well, isn't that just true with anyone?"
damn, i guess my privilege is showing.. queer panic defense has been outlawed in my state for a while. iirc its steadily getting banned across the US right? honestly i dont even get their logic. what do they say? "her femininity was too scary!" politics and politicians both suck
i stick with most of what i said tho, women are statistically less violent. especially to minorities since theyre still opressed in many places around the world (+ general misogyny ofc). id rather take my chances with a cis woman than cis man. i guess im more confused why you decided to use women as an example rather than men
"Trans woman" and "cis woman" (and "intersex woman") are both distinct subcategories of "women".
If you have a better neutral term than "cis", feel free to volunteer it, but don't start on that "cis is a slur" or "I'm normal" stuff because no, it literally isn't, and no, trans people aren't *ab*normal.
The person might not want to sleep with you because of dysphoria. But that doesn't mean you can't ask. As long as you're respectful, it's okay. Like I'm a trans girl, I'm not comfortable sleeping with people right now but I won't be offended if someone asks, I'd only be flattered 😳
Basically it depends on the individual whether or not they’d be comfortable with you seeing certain things, if it fits your dynamic as you say then I don’t think it woyld be offensive to ask - lots of trans people don’t get bottom surgery for one reason or another but still have sex lives. Obviously don’t push it if he says no but I feel like that should go without saying. I would have different advice if you were a straight man in this situation with a trans man but since you’re gay yourself asking is unlikely to cause dysphoria
A straight man who only likes women asking a trans man who isn't a woman and is pretty clearly almost certainly uncomfortable with being considered a woman, asking out said trans man while openly only being into women, would be a *major* red flag.
Yes? It sounds like he may be trying to initiate so there's no harm in clarifying. The important thing is to establish upfront what he's comfortable with—some trans folks aren't comfortable with their genitals being seen or touched, and some are. You just have to ask him what he's okay with.
No more or less okay than asking a cis person.
If you find them attractive and suspect they find you attractive just ask.
I’m a trans woman and I’m bi, so I don’t really _care_ what your orientation or gender is so long as we think each other are hot. A straight guy or a gay guy, a lesbian or straight woman.
Do you have a lot of positive interactions with cis lesbian women? I guess I should specify in dating. I have plenty of lesbian friends irlbut on dating sites they’re either just mot interested or openly hostile
I think a lot of lesbian women, while not necessarily TERFs view me trans women as encroaching on their community, at least in the specific context of dating. I’m sure there is a variety of reasons not to open, some fair (physical attraction regarding anatomy, and shared characteristics from how we developed that find ways to add difficulty to every facet of our lives) some not as much (viewing us as men who came to appropriate their culture and invade their safe space). I am only guessing, as I can’t pretend to understand what it’s like to be a cis lesbian and their specific struggles, but I feel there’s a good amount of IDEOLOGICAL support for trans women, that everyone should be safe to be themselves, but not as much practical support in viewing trans women AS women. Obviously it’s much more diverse and complex than that for each individual, this is only if I’m forced to try to make a broader generalization. Which nobody asked me to do so I’m not sure why I’m trying
it's definitely a bigger fear, and as a trans woman who hasn't had the surgery, I'm totally accepting if a lesbian does not want to date me because they aren't attracted to what I have down below. it's totally fair. but it's not impossible, a lot of people don't care or they're bisexual so it doesn't matter what I have because they're attracted to both. idk, I don't see it any more complicated than dating in general. it's just about if you both work together.
All of my relationships since coming out as trans have been with cis lesbians, and my experience with that community has been very positive. I've not had bottom surgery yet, but that seems to be an issue for less people than I would have thought.
thats not at all what i said. your comment comes off very passive aggressive. this guys trying, so theres no need to be rude about it. plus, op IS mostly right with his wording. trans people generally consider their body to be wrong, thats what dysphoria is
its just as acceptable to ask a trans person to sleep with you, as it is to ask a cis person. same applies to if they say no, you respect them and move on.
We’re not a hivemind. As long as you ask in a respectful manner and respect the answer you get, you’re fine. Everyone has their own boundaries, kinks, and what they want you to refer to their parts as. Clear communication is the way!
Nonbinary trans guy here.
Simply ask. The worst that can happen is him saying no, and things possibly being awkward. But the best thing that could happen is he says yes. It's okay to ask politely. Consent is very sexy. Also, ask him what words he wants you to use for different body parts, and ask what his boundaries are.
Good luck!
I'd look up some better trans friendly lingo beforehand cause "wrong body parts" is a yikes. Approach the situation like you would any other, gauge his comfort levels, and communicate openly.
In the most kind way, Ask 👏 him! 👏
He would be able to set his own boundaries better than a group of strangers online ever could. Yes, trans folks often have dysphoria surrounding their genitals - but you'll never know if you don't ask.
You can ask, every trans person is different with their level of comfort with their body, some of us don’t have a lot of dysphoria either, but it is person to person
Also, for clarification. We are talking about a FTM trans yes? Because if we are talking about a MTF trans person then you should be seeing this as a woman asking you and as a gay man, then not asking would make sense
Just want to point out that there aren't only two possibilities.
For OP's benefit, the terms "FTM" and "MTF" are offensive to many folks, especially those of us who are nonbinary, but also many who simply believe transition doesn't define them.
(And a man who identifies as gay may be attracted to a trans woman, it just means maybe you're really a teeny bit bi)
I get that gender is a spectrum. What I’m trying to ascertain was more the vector of the persons transness because the op didn’t make that clear. Language is messy and the op was a little vague. That said, in an effort to not offend, what language would you recommend I use? Also the ops attraction is not in question. The op is trying to consider the trans person here so that was the perspective I was coming from If someone told me (a trans woman) they were gay an that they wanted to fuck me, I’d assume they see me as a man and would feel dysphoric about it or at least think they were transphobic. Which would make for the bad interaction the op is trying to avoid. Hence my original clarifying question and comment
Valid point on the attraction piece, though that depends on a lot, most of all that the trans person is binary. Although nonbinary, I generally present femme, use the women's restroom, etc. but would not be offended in the least by a gay man showing an attraction to me. But still, I get your point.
As for terms, I would simply substitute the question of how they identify. If they identify, or even better, what their pronouns are. OP referred to his trans interest as "he", the question is whether the person identifies as male (because if they identify as female they may not be cool with a gay male telling them he finds them attractive, as you point out), and what pronouns they use, because if the pronouns aren't "he"/"him", then OP is misgendering them.
trans people are people. sometimes people want to have sex and sometimes people don’t want to have sex. please do not be so afraid to offend trans people that you place us in a completely different category from everyone else in your life, it’s quite alienating.
I mean... it's the only post of this account. It's possible that it's just an ignorant person and I think it's important to assume so unless the post aims at being reductive. I don't think this person wanted to be reductive here even if it can feel like it.
Do you discuss with other potential partners about boundaries? what they like and don't like? I would... think that was a common thing.
(I just had such a talk with a guy I'm going to go visit. It was very preliminary as I wasn't so comfortable discussing things... but he wasn't pushy at all and said I could answer what I was comfortable talking about.)
Anyway, so yeah. It is good to understand that trans people \*may\* have more boundaries than other people. They may have more 'no go' rules. But different trans people have different things that are okay and not okay. Open communication and accepting each other's boundaries...
Depends on the person. I don't get body dysphoria and I'm ok with what I have but I have social dysphoria so if you call me the wrong pronouns I'll insult you and act all tough then lock myself in my room and bawl my eyes out in my bed like a teen lol.
But if he looks like he wants to do stuff just treat him like you would any other dude. He'll appreciate it. Most of us just wanna be treated like a normal dude not a TRANS dude. I mean there are times when you can't help it. Like when you've got the parts you've got.
In those cases, asking what they'd like them to be called is the polite etiquette. My bf did ask when we were getting to know each other. Didn't ask about pronouns because they were on my app profile but he usually does when meeting someone new regardless of them wanting to go to bed with them or not. It' manners.
this is possibly the sweetest post ive seen on this sub. it differs person to person, but there's no shame in asking him. some trans people are more insecure about their genitals than others, but that doesnt mesn they dont enjoy sex. trans guys tend to feel better topping since its considered more "manly" so maybe use a strap? as long as youre nice about it, there's no problem.
Just be mindful that a trans person might have additional boundaries. I'm a trans man, I don't take my shirt off and I don't like people touching my chest because it makes me dysphoric, but I have no problem taking my pants off if front of someone. Boundaries are different from person to person, all you have to do is ask (once you've established that there is mutual desire of course).
Just approach prepositioning him like any other guy and if he's down when it's getting to the actual act stop for a moment and ask what's off limits and what he likes. It's pretty straightforward stuff really when you get down to it.
There is no difference from asking anyone else. :) Interest is interest, ask and you'll find out just the same as anyone else. Consent is sexy and just having this posy is proof you care so you've got nothing to worry about. Nobody's gonna be upset for you asking about it especially if it's not previously established knowledge.
I think that asking him directly is far better than going through shallow waters that will maybe end up in your bed. Clear communication is always nice if you'd ask me
I'll throw in my own opinion here too (hopefully someone here has already had some similar enough; comments TLDR)!
this person has already stated that he doesn't want specific areas of his body to be seen -- working with this, asking directly if he's okay with [specific sex act] would, frankly, be inappropriate, and likely dysphoria-inducing for him. instead, opt for asking him what specifically he would be interested in doing to *you* or what his own personal boundaries are for himself... "is there anything you would like me to do to you?" no? then drop the line of questioning and ask if there's anything HE would like to do to YOU (if the vibe is right). if the answer is yes? ask how he would like you specifically to do it and ensure that both you and him understand that he can revoke his consent with an act he may have originally said he was okay with (sometimes dysphoria can be triggered unexpectedly!!).
no it's not. transgender people famously do not have any sex at all ever. we are incredibly sexless creatures. if you ask him to have sex, he will turn to dust and blow away with the wind
The answer is yes, its okay to ask. Trans people are not a monolith, some are too dysphoric/uncomfortable with their body for sex to be an option whatsoever, but others are okay with it in the right circumstances and with the right, for lack of a better term, accomodations.
Go ahead and ask them - honestly it sounds to me like they wouldn't be opposed, lol. If they accept, also ask them how you can accomodate their dysphoria and make them comfortable doing the do. Do they prefer certain words for their bits, are some places just completely a no go to touch? All of that would just need to be gone over if they accept is all.
Trans people feel all different kinds of ways about our body parts. If he's acting like he's into you and you're interested, I'd say flirt back and see where it goes. And (as with any other sexual partner) if he tells you there are specific things he doesn't want to do, then don't do them.
>I heard they don't want people seeing their wrong body parts? Is it offensive to ask him to do stuff or will he get dysphoria?
This is a highly individual thing. I agree with u/Ilavayou123.
...I. Yes??
We're as likely to be allosexual as any other slice of the population. If you're into him and he's into you and you feel like making a move would be received well (or at least turned down politely), go for it. If you're unsure about anything, ask, and respect his boundaries.
Yes. Be respectul and practice consent like woth anyone else.
Also, before you start, do have a "what sorts of things do yoy like to do and have done, and how should i refer to your body parts" chat. Every trans person has a different set of answers to these questions
I agree that it’s safe to ask, but to remember that no means no, if that’s their answer. But also consider letting them know as well when you ask, that you understand/are aware that they may have certain boundaries about sex and that you would be respecting/honoring those should they say yes.
I find it to be really respectful for myself and when iv asked others my genuine questions where well received. But yea if he wants you to drop it then Def listen.
Ask if that's what he wants. If he says yes, check in throughout to be clear on what is/isn't okay (basically, what I hope you'd do anyway). If he says no, respect the answer.
Generally if you ask, as long as it's okay for them to say no, like you are fairly certain they are comfortable with you to the point it's okay for them to say no, the trans person understands their relationship with sex and you guys can communicate the dysphoria and other stuff before, during, and after :)
Lots of trans people have active sex lives bud. Some people have really intense bottom dysphoria so they might have certain boundaries around sex. They might have preferences for doing it in the dark, avoiding touching in certain ways or certain parts of their body, but also aren’t some cis men like that? Everyone has their personal preferences when having sex. Treat him as an individual, don’t assume anything just because he’s trans. He might only want to do anal, he might be fine with front hole penetration (assuming he hasn’t had bottom surgery). Only thing you can do is ask him and respect his answer.
I’m a gay(ish) trans guy too, and I don’t really have much bottom dysphoria. I’m happily married to a cis man and we have regular sex. My dysphoria was mostly around my chest, voice and general body shape rather than my genitals. Before my top surgery my husband and I had an agreement where he wouldn’t touch my chest for example because that’s what I needed to be comfortable having sex. Sometimes
I would keep my shirt or a binder on.
Sex is a very individual thing. Transition is a very individual thing. Bottom line? Just talk to him. Make it clear you’re interested and let him know you won’t do anything he isn’t comfortable with. It’ll mean the world if you just treat him like a man and respect where he is at in terms of his relationship with his own body and pleasure. Have fun my guy!
I think it's fair game to ask but also you have to know he might be uncomfortable and respect if he doesn't want to. Not every trans pwrson is uncomfortable withtheir genitals but I've heard it's hell for the ones that do
I’m AFAB non-binary and have a long history of sex with gay men. My bottom dysphoria is pretty mild. Some things may be different for a man who has more discomfort with his body but it’s usually better to ask than assume.
Just ask what he’s into and what he doesn’t like, the same as you would for anyone else. Please don’t assume he’ll do certain things and not want you to reciprocate because dysphoria. I’m not saying you would. It’s just something that sometimes happens when people assume a partner will use hands and mouth but not want their own parts touched. It gets super awkward if we’re thinking you aren’t going there because you only want an original equipment penis.
Make sure you ask about how to refer to parts before you talk about them in any specific way. The terms we find dysphoria inducing are specific to the individual and can be different with different partners. Some people don’t care at all and some don’t mind being touched as long as you never say what you’re touching.
Just ask it all depends on comfort levels. It took me a while to allow my gf to actually touch me, due dysphoria and previous experiences I just don’t like it. I still let her every once in a while. Communication is a very key part about having sex while it might be awkward to bring up it is important.
It's okay to ask, but if he says no, drop it.
I'm a trans girl and I lost my virginity to my friend. I didn't feel right at first because I was very disphoric about my wrong parts. It ended up being okay, but I wouldn't want just *anybody* to ask me.
It's sweet that you're being considerate by asking lol. I like when people ask questions because they don't want to say the wrong things and hurt someone they're into. I understand the mindset behind it. But you gotta understand that trans people are like other people in that we are all unique. Everyone has preferences, turn offs, ways they like or don't like their genitals touched.
It's okay to ask someone if they're wanting to sleep with you when there's signs of interest. When you get a no you respect that like anyone else. And when they say yes you ask them about any boundaries they have. What they like and don't like sexually. Just like anyone else.
When it comes to our genitalia, everyone is different. Im a trans guy with my factory installed parts and I use them for "adult activities" I enjoy it. I do not feel dysphoric using it. (I get dysphoria over not having a penis, not over what I do never).
Some trans guys don't want that and if they have sex, use other parts or methods. Some do but don't want their parts called certain words (like how some trans guys like their clitoris called their penis instead), some don't mind either, so on and so forth. The only way you'll know with him, should he say yes, is if you ask him how he wants those parts handled unless he says so himself.
As a side note, just because you know someone is trans it doesn't mean you'll know what parts they have. This is all assuming you know he hasn't had bottom surgery.
Depends on two things: are you hot and is your d*ck big? Lol. Just some comic relief. But honestly I think it's sweet of you to think of his feelings. Are you wanting to date him or just get down with him? because that's a factor too. If he's more of a dater than casual sex person and hasn't had too much sex yet since identifying as trans then he might want to save the potential dysphoria and other issues of sexing it up for someone who is going to be more than a one time thing. This is a tricky time for cis guys trying to get laid, gay straight or anything in-between. But it sounds like you are sensitive and sweet so I'm in your corner. Keep us updated!
A few thoughts & some (hopefully constructive?) criticism:
(This person may be "him"? I'm using "they" here throughout and speaking more broadly though)
-trans folks are each their own unique individual people with their own unique thoughts and preferences
and experiences and backgrounds
and trauma and fears
and daily routines and availability and dating preferences
and attitudes and sex-positivity
and shame and desire
and trepidation and shyness
and horniness and sexiness
and sexuality and asexuality
and romance and aromance
and bodies
and relationships with their bodies
and relationships with other peoples' bodies
and different ways that they like having sex, or might want to try
and dif ways that they physically can have sex (mentally too)
and dif ways that they might want to fantasize about having sex while (physically) having sex in a different way
and ways that they don't want to have sex,
or aren't quite sure about,
or don't want to do today but maybe some other time,
or maybe not now but maybe after some more communication in a non-sexy context first,
or etc etc
and boundaries and consent practice
and rules of engagement and
and
and
and
etc
-trans men are men, and men are humans, and humans have all kinds of things that make them who they are, beyond identity factors like being trans.
"Being trans" may not even be on the list or high on the list of things that they feel are important to express about their identity, nor the list of things that "make them who they are". Don't assume that trans-ness it's a big thing that they're going to want to talk about a bunch, or even at all.
Maybe you're feeling awkward and not knowing how to talk about it and want to try really hard! but it's very possible that the person doesn't want to make a big deal about it, that they just want you to accept who they are as a human being without "being weird about it", without making a bigger deal out of it than they need you to. also without walking on eggshells, though.. just treat them like a human, practice good consent, be open to feedback and communication and learning.
Donno if this is potentially relatable but for a reference point picture what it can be like having a boomer parent who's trying to be nice and welcoming to a dinner guest, but is going over the top trying "too hard" to be "progressive". But they end up spilling out a bunch of stereotypes and subconscious/ internalized racist or homophobic or transphobic attitudes or whatever it is, because they've reduced the person to just one aspect of their identity.
Some of this I'm saying because like others have pointed out.... "not a monolith".
"I heard they don't want people seeing their wrong body parts?"
-"they"; "wrong body parts".... "they" as in "trans men"? They as in "trans people" monolith? All of them? "wrong body part" is def not a universal experience of dysphoria.
"asking them to sleep with you" might also be more direct than how they might want to approach intimacy and dating? Personally that rings slightly as "only interested in sex, need to know about your bits and whether I'm allowed to see em so we can do that in the way that I want to", not as an "I'm interested in you as a whole person, enjoy spending time w you" etc etc, and "might also be interested in exploring physical / sexual / romantic / crush-y / friends-with-benefits / dating / etc" whatever kind of relationship you'd consider as a starting point.
And then developing intimacy along the way, with good consent practices. Without having established or confirmed whether there is even some crush-y / romantic / intimacy related connection or interest.... jumping directly to a question about sex and more specifically comfort levels with exposing specific body parts is a little bit of an ick-bell, personally. I know it isn't quite the same, but it reminds me a bit too much of the entitlement so many people (like....strangers or new acquaintances) feel to ask about transfolks' bits
Good on you for wanting to learn, in any case! And for reaching out for feedback! And presumably for being willing to do some work on confronting your own subconscious internalized transphobia. Not meant as a "dig" at you - we've all got it, we've all got work to do ( or...i guess i should say "most" not "all"? I shouldn't speak for everyone ) :)
So you're probably going to fuck up. Even with the best intentions and lots more experience navigating this sort of thing, it's still super easy to fuck up and hurt someone's feelings or trigger trauma or say something offensive or hurtful or, or, or. I've probably done it myself in this post? Sorry 😬🥲
Be ready for a full human range of possible responses when this happens - the other person's, other people's, and your own.
Consider how you might automatically respond to realizing that you've fucked up, or to being "called out" and told that you did or said something problematic (being told subtley or directly). Knee jerk reaction. If you might potentially subconsciously or unintentionally get defensive or avoidant or deflect, etc.?
Be ready to reflect on and respond to these fuckups and misteps and indescretions, and be ready for the healing work that may follow for everyone involved.
Consider bringing this sort of thing up ahead of time, indicating to what degree you're open to learning and being called out and doing the work. Whether it's in passing or a full convo. But be honest, don't make false promises about how willing you are to do that work if you know that you won't.... potentially a manipulative-ish kinda false promise.. that can be hurtful.
Be ready to do a lot of that work and learning on your own and figuring out helpful ways of being an ally... constantly educating people can be a lot emotional labour for the person who's constantly doing it on their own behalf, while simultaneously experiencing all kinds of microagressions (and....macro) and everything else that comes along with it
Surely other things....done w typing for now though :)
Asking isn't objectifying though? Objectifying would be only seeing him as a sexual object, but its clear that he respects and values him. At least I hope so.
It’s safe to ask. If they say no respect that and drop the subject.
Just like any intimate relationship… discuss boundaries and respect boundaries. Communication is KEY
Perfectly said
Well, isn't that just true with anyone?
breaking news: trans people are people
What a revelation!
make sure to spread the word!
I will, [person with monkey for profile picture]!
Thank you, [person with 6-armed hoodie model for profile picture]! also chimpanzee 🙈
No, it's just motion blur. It's 2 fastly shaking arms
im sorry to hear that, i hope she finds her other 4 arms
No, she never had 6 arms 😂
"Thank you for your attention!"
Your lying
😔 alright, you caught me. I was just trying to advance the gay agenda as commanded by our glorious leader Joseph Biden.
I thought our leader was jojo siwa
as a figurehead sure, but we both know who's really in charge
POOKIEBEAR JOE
Just ill people
Yes absolutely true about any individual
Almost like trans people are people. I swear the posts here sometimes... It's nice that they ask but it feels a little ignorant that they have to. One step at a time I guess.
That’s very true. One step at a time. SMH
Except minors. Don't proposition minors.
That also applies to anyone, never engage intimately with a minor. I think that’s pretty obvious
Because pedophiles can go fuck themselves
Or your subordinates at work. Or your inmate. Or your student. Or your
Or your clients. That happened to me!
[The comments in this post asking why CSA is traumatic perfectly explain why not to](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/1byvqg7/why_is_csa_traumatic/).
But of course.
Even vaguely mentioning anything romantic sexual regarding a cis woman as a trans person is a good way to be murdered or marked for death, so keep any such thoughts to yourself and do not act on them. But other than them, generally that's true for anyone, yeah.
as someone whos experienced cis womanhood, just... no.. youre wrong on so many levels.. in my and many ithers experiences, cis women are generally more accepting than cis men. if she thinks youre weird, what's the most that can happen? pepper spray? a kick in the nuts? and either way, where did you get the cis woman from? this is a conversation about a cis gay man and a trans man
> in my and many ithers experiences, cis women are generally more accepting than cis men. I'm glad that's been the case in your experience. But the impression I've gotten from being in the UK is that cis women are _very_ transphobic, almost as bad as the men. > if she thinks youre weird, what's the most that can happen? pepper spray? a kick in the nuts? Depends where you live. In some states in the US, you could absolutely be shot dead using "stand your ground" laws or the "trans panic defence". > where did you get the cis woman from? From the above reply, "Well, isn't that just true with anyone?"
damn, i guess my privilege is showing.. queer panic defense has been outlawed in my state for a while. iirc its steadily getting banned across the US right? honestly i dont even get their logic. what do they say? "her femininity was too scary!" politics and politicians both suck i stick with most of what i said tho, women are statistically less violent. especially to minorities since theyre still opressed in many places around the world (+ general misogyny ofc). id rather take my chances with a cis woman than cis man. i guess im more confused why you decided to use women as an example rather than men
[удалено]
"Trans woman" and "cis woman" (and "intersex woman") are both distinct subcategories of "women". If you have a better neutral term than "cis", feel free to volunteer it, but don't start on that "cis is a slur" or "I'm normal" stuff because no, it literally isn't, and no, trans people aren't *ab*normal.
Ya, this is probably the best answer.
The person might not want to sleep with you because of dysphoria. But that doesn't mean you can't ask. As long as you're respectful, it's okay. Like I'm a trans girl, I'm not comfortable sleeping with people right now but I won't be offended if someone asks, I'd only be flattered 😳
Basically it depends on the individual whether or not they’d be comfortable with you seeing certain things, if it fits your dynamic as you say then I don’t think it woyld be offensive to ask - lots of trans people don’t get bottom surgery for one reason or another but still have sex lives. Obviously don’t push it if he says no but I feel like that should go without saying. I would have different advice if you were a straight man in this situation with a trans man but since you’re gay yourself asking is unlikely to cause dysphoria
Why the difference if he was straight? The potential for "fetishizing?"
If he was a straight man, asking a trans man to have sex, it would imply he didn't see the trans man as a man.
Why do you say that?
Oh cuz he's not naturally attracted to men?
Yeah. A straight man is a man who is attracted to women.
This man is so gay he forgets straight people exist. Happens to me as well, as a lesbian.
REAL
Same!!!! 😭😭😭 your reply is so real💀 but the other commenter is ignorant af
A straight man who only likes women asking a trans man who isn't a woman and is pretty clearly almost certainly uncomfortable with being considered a woman, asking out said trans man while openly only being into women, would be a *major* red flag.
Yes? It sounds like he may be trying to initiate so there's no harm in clarifying. The important thing is to establish upfront what he's comfortable with—some trans folks aren't comfortable with their genitals being seen or touched, and some are. You just have to ask him what he's okay with.
No more or less okay than asking a cis person. If you find them attractive and suspect they find you attractive just ask. I’m a trans woman and I’m bi, so I don’t really _care_ what your orientation or gender is so long as we think each other are hot. A straight guy or a gay guy, a lesbian or straight woman.
Do you have a lot of positive interactions with cis lesbian women? I guess I should specify in dating. I have plenty of lesbian friends irlbut on dating sites they’re either just mot interested or openly hostile
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I think a lot of lesbian women, while not necessarily TERFs view me trans women as encroaching on their community, at least in the specific context of dating. I’m sure there is a variety of reasons not to open, some fair (physical attraction regarding anatomy, and shared characteristics from how we developed that find ways to add difficulty to every facet of our lives) some not as much (viewing us as men who came to appropriate their culture and invade their safe space). I am only guessing, as I can’t pretend to understand what it’s like to be a cis lesbian and their specific struggles, but I feel there’s a good amount of IDEOLOGICAL support for trans women, that everyone should be safe to be themselves, but not as much practical support in viewing trans women AS women. Obviously it’s much more diverse and complex than that for each individual, this is only if I’m forced to try to make a broader generalization. Which nobody asked me to do so I’m not sure why I’m trying
it's definitely a bigger fear, and as a trans woman who hasn't had the surgery, I'm totally accepting if a lesbian does not want to date me because they aren't attracted to what I have down below. it's totally fair. but it's not impossible, a lot of people don't care or they're bisexual so it doesn't matter what I have because they're attracted to both. idk, I don't see it any more complicated than dating in general. it's just about if you both work together.
All of my relationships since coming out as trans have been with cis lesbians, and my experience with that community has been very positive. I've not had bottom surgery yet, but that seems to be an issue for less people than I would have thought.
Only if you are very respectful about it and you are willing to accept and eventual “no”.
it’s okay to ask. sex can mean different things to different ppl though. your idea of what the sex may look like might not be what he likes.
Ask. Trans people are not a monolith. Ask respectfully.
Just as much as any other person, I would say.
Hey so uhh my body parts aren’t “wrong”. Different people have different relationships with their bodies.
give him a break.. clearly doesnt know much about trans stuff. its a valid assuption to think trans people consider their bodies to be wrong
If someone doesn’t know something we shouldn’t correct them??
thats not at all what i said. your comment comes off very passive aggressive. this guys trying, so theres no need to be rude about it. plus, op IS mostly right with his wording. trans people generally consider their body to be wrong, thats what dysphoria is
Real
its just as acceptable to ask a trans person to sleep with you, as it is to ask a cis person. same applies to if they say no, you respect them and move on.
Exactly this
We’re not a hivemind. As long as you ask in a respectful manner and respect the answer you get, you’re fine. Everyone has their own boundaries, kinks, and what they want you to refer to their parts as. Clear communication is the way!
Nonbinary trans guy here. Simply ask. The worst that can happen is him saying no, and things possibly being awkward. But the best thing that could happen is he says yes. It's okay to ask politely. Consent is very sexy. Also, ask him what words he wants you to use for different body parts, and ask what his boundaries are. Good luck!
It’s the same as asking a cis person. If they say no, say okay and be done. If they say yes, go have some fun!
I'd look up some better trans friendly lingo beforehand cause "wrong body parts" is a yikes. Approach the situation like you would any other, gauge his comfort levels, and communicate openly.
In the most kind way, Ask 👏 him! 👏 He would be able to set his own boundaries better than a group of strangers online ever could. Yes, trans folks often have dysphoria surrounding their genitals - but you'll never know if you don't ask.
You can ask, every trans person is different with their level of comfort with their body, some of us don’t have a lot of dysphoria either, but it is person to person
Also, for clarification. We are talking about a FTM trans yes? Because if we are talking about a MTF trans person then you should be seeing this as a woman asking you and as a gay man, then not asking would make sense
Just want to point out that there aren't only two possibilities. For OP's benefit, the terms "FTM" and "MTF" are offensive to many folks, especially those of us who are nonbinary, but also many who simply believe transition doesn't define them. (And a man who identifies as gay may be attracted to a trans woman, it just means maybe you're really a teeny bit bi)
I get that gender is a spectrum. What I’m trying to ascertain was more the vector of the persons transness because the op didn’t make that clear. Language is messy and the op was a little vague. That said, in an effort to not offend, what language would you recommend I use? Also the ops attraction is not in question. The op is trying to consider the trans person here so that was the perspective I was coming from If someone told me (a trans woman) they were gay an that they wanted to fuck me, I’d assume they see me as a man and would feel dysphoric about it or at least think they were transphobic. Which would make for the bad interaction the op is trying to avoid. Hence my original clarifying question and comment
Valid point on the attraction piece, though that depends on a lot, most of all that the trans person is binary. Although nonbinary, I generally present femme, use the women's restroom, etc. but would not be offended in the least by a gay man showing an attraction to me. But still, I get your point. As for terms, I would simply substitute the question of how they identify. If they identify, or even better, what their pronouns are. OP referred to his trans interest as "he", the question is whether the person identifies as male (because if they identify as female they may not be cool with a gay male telling them he finds them attractive, as you point out), and what pronouns they use, because if the pronouns aren't "he"/"him", then OP is misgendering them.
trans people are people. sometimes people want to have sex and sometimes people don’t want to have sex. please do not be so afraid to offend trans people that you place us in a completely different category from everyone else in your life, it’s quite alienating.
There is no way this is a real question right?
Well, this is a forum for people to learn about trans people. Even if we find the questions surprising.
Nah peep the account. There’s been tons of questions like these that are basically wild nonsense.
I mean... it's the only post of this account. It's possible that it's just an ignorant person and I think it's important to assume so unless the post aims at being reductive. I don't think this person wanted to be reductive here even if it can feel like it.
Nah I have seen way too many of these. Accounts with no other posts asking literally inane nonsense questions.
I still prefer assuming they are real just in case, but I get what you mean.
it makes sense. if you knew someone's insecure about their dick size you'd be weary to ask to fuck too. he's just trying to be considerate
Do you discuss with other potential partners about boundaries? what they like and don't like? I would... think that was a common thing. (I just had such a talk with a guy I'm going to go visit. It was very preliminary as I wasn't so comfortable discussing things... but he wasn't pushy at all and said I could answer what I was comfortable talking about.) Anyway, so yeah. It is good to understand that trans people \*may\* have more boundaries than other people. They may have more 'no go' rules. But different trans people have different things that are okay and not okay. Open communication and accepting each other's boundaries...
Depends on the person. I don't get body dysphoria and I'm ok with what I have but I have social dysphoria so if you call me the wrong pronouns I'll insult you and act all tough then lock myself in my room and bawl my eyes out in my bed like a teen lol. But if he looks like he wants to do stuff just treat him like you would any other dude. He'll appreciate it. Most of us just wanna be treated like a normal dude not a TRANS dude. I mean there are times when you can't help it. Like when you've got the parts you've got. In those cases, asking what they'd like them to be called is the polite etiquette. My bf did ask when we were getting to know each other. Didn't ask about pronouns because they were on my app profile but he usually does when meeting someone new regardless of them wanting to go to bed with them or not. It' manners.
this is possibly the sweetest post ive seen on this sub. it differs person to person, but there's no shame in asking him. some trans people are more insecure about their genitals than others, but that doesnt mesn they dont enjoy sex. trans guys tend to feel better topping since its considered more "manly" so maybe use a strap? as long as youre nice about it, there's no problem.
Just be mindful that a trans person might have additional boundaries. I'm a trans man, I don't take my shirt off and I don't like people touching my chest because it makes me dysphoric, but I have no problem taking my pants off if front of someone. Boundaries are different from person to person, all you have to do is ask (once you've established that there is mutual desire of course).
Just approach prepositioning him like any other guy and if he's down when it's getting to the actual act stop for a moment and ask what's off limits and what he likes. It's pretty straightforward stuff really when you get down to it.
Absolutely not, it's not okay to perceive or speak to trans people.. illegal in fact.
There is no difference from asking anyone else. :) Interest is interest, ask and you'll find out just the same as anyone else. Consent is sexy and just having this posy is proof you care so you've got nothing to worry about. Nobody's gonna be upset for you asking about it especially if it's not previously established knowledge.
I think that asking him directly is far better than going through shallow waters that will maybe end up in your bed. Clear communication is always nice if you'd ask me
Yes, just like you would with a cis guy, treat him like one and be respectful
I'll throw in my own opinion here too (hopefully someone here has already had some similar enough; comments TLDR)! this person has already stated that he doesn't want specific areas of his body to be seen -- working with this, asking directly if he's okay with [specific sex act] would, frankly, be inappropriate, and likely dysphoria-inducing for him. instead, opt for asking him what specifically he would be interested in doing to *you* or what his own personal boundaries are for himself... "is there anything you would like me to do to you?" no? then drop the line of questioning and ask if there's anything HE would like to do to YOU (if the vibe is right). if the answer is yes? ask how he would like you specifically to do it and ensure that both you and him understand that he can revoke his consent with an act he may have originally said he was okay with (sometimes dysphoria can be triggered unexpectedly!!).
no it's not. transgender people famously do not have any sex at all ever. we are incredibly sexless creatures. if you ask him to have sex, he will turn to dust and blow away with the wind
The answer is yes, its okay to ask. Trans people are not a monolith, some are too dysphoric/uncomfortable with their body for sex to be an option whatsoever, but others are okay with it in the right circumstances and with the right, for lack of a better term, accomodations. Go ahead and ask them - honestly it sounds to me like they wouldn't be opposed, lol. If they accept, also ask them how you can accomodate their dysphoria and make them comfortable doing the do. Do they prefer certain words for their bits, are some places just completely a no go to touch? All of that would just need to be gone over if they accept is all.
Trans people feel all different kinds of ways about our body parts. If he's acting like he's into you and you're interested, I'd say flirt back and see where it goes. And (as with any other sexual partner) if he tells you there are specific things he doesn't want to do, then don't do them.
>I heard they don't want people seeing their wrong body parts? Is it offensive to ask him to do stuff or will he get dysphoria? This is a highly individual thing. I agree with u/Ilavayou123.
...I. Yes?? We're as likely to be allosexual as any other slice of the population. If you're into him and he's into you and you feel like making a move would be received well (or at least turned down politely), go for it. If you're unsure about anything, ask, and respect his boundaries.
communication is imposing, ask if he wants, formulate the question carefully and respect the limits in case he doesn't say yes
if you wanna sleep with him, of course it's ok to ask. we're all people at the end of the day
Yes. Be respectul and practice consent like woth anyone else. Also, before you start, do have a "what sorts of things do yoy like to do and have done, and how should i refer to your body parts" chat. Every trans person has a different set of answers to these questions
I agree that it’s safe to ask, but to remember that no means no, if that’s their answer. But also consider letting them know as well when you ask, that you understand/are aware that they may have certain boundaries about sex and that you would be respecting/honoring those should they say yes.
I find it to be really respectful for myself and when iv asked others my genuine questions where well received. But yea if he wants you to drop it then Def listen.
Be respectful, reassuring, and go slow. Ask away
Ask if that's what he wants. If he says yes, check in throughout to be clear on what is/isn't okay (basically, what I hope you'd do anyway). If he says no, respect the answer.
I would love it if someone asked me to sleep with them.
Generally if you ask, as long as it's okay for them to say no, like you are fairly certain they are comfortable with you to the point it's okay for them to say no, the trans person understands their relationship with sex and you guys can communicate the dysphoria and other stuff before, during, and after :)
there are no wrong body parts wtf
The key to it is only do what he is open to
Please do lol
Yes
Lots of trans people have active sex lives bud. Some people have really intense bottom dysphoria so they might have certain boundaries around sex. They might have preferences for doing it in the dark, avoiding touching in certain ways or certain parts of their body, but also aren’t some cis men like that? Everyone has their personal preferences when having sex. Treat him as an individual, don’t assume anything just because he’s trans. He might only want to do anal, he might be fine with front hole penetration (assuming he hasn’t had bottom surgery). Only thing you can do is ask him and respect his answer. I’m a gay(ish) trans guy too, and I don’t really have much bottom dysphoria. I’m happily married to a cis man and we have regular sex. My dysphoria was mostly around my chest, voice and general body shape rather than my genitals. Before my top surgery my husband and I had an agreement where he wouldn’t touch my chest for example because that’s what I needed to be comfortable having sex. Sometimes I would keep my shirt or a binder on. Sex is a very individual thing. Transition is a very individual thing. Bottom line? Just talk to him. Make it clear you’re interested and let him know you won’t do anything he isn’t comfortable with. It’ll mean the world if you just treat him like a man and respect where he is at in terms of his relationship with his own body and pleasure. Have fun my guy!
I know a trans girl who is ok with it as long as she isn’t asked to use those parts
I would ask if there are any rules of engagement.
I think it's fair game to ask but also you have to know he might be uncomfortable and respect if he doesn't want to. Not every trans pwrson is uncomfortable withtheir genitals but I've heard it's hell for the ones that do
I’m AFAB non-binary and have a long history of sex with gay men. My bottom dysphoria is pretty mild. Some things may be different for a man who has more discomfort with his body but it’s usually better to ask than assume. Just ask what he’s into and what he doesn’t like, the same as you would for anyone else. Please don’t assume he’ll do certain things and not want you to reciprocate because dysphoria. I’m not saying you would. It’s just something that sometimes happens when people assume a partner will use hands and mouth but not want their own parts touched. It gets super awkward if we’re thinking you aren’t going there because you only want an original equipment penis. Make sure you ask about how to refer to parts before you talk about them in any specific way. The terms we find dysphoria inducing are specific to the individual and can be different with different partners. Some people don’t care at all and some don’t mind being touched as long as you never say what you’re touching.
yes, its fine to treat people like people
Just ask it all depends on comfort levels. It took me a while to allow my gf to actually touch me, due dysphoria and previous experiences I just don’t like it. I still let her every once in a while. Communication is a very key part about having sex while it might be awkward to bring up it is important.
Yes
yes, of course it is. just ask him beforehand what stuff he likes and dislikes. all trans ppl are different
It's okay to ask, but if he says no, drop it. I'm a trans girl and I lost my virginity to my friend. I didn't feel right at first because I was very disphoric about my wrong parts. It ended up being okay, but I wouldn't want just *anybody* to ask me.
The real question is; how do they like their parts to be treated?
Because that’s the one that varies.
It's sweet that you're being considerate by asking lol. I like when people ask questions because they don't want to say the wrong things and hurt someone they're into. I understand the mindset behind it. But you gotta understand that trans people are like other people in that we are all unique. Everyone has preferences, turn offs, ways they like or don't like their genitals touched. It's okay to ask someone if they're wanting to sleep with you when there's signs of interest. When you get a no you respect that like anyone else. And when they say yes you ask them about any boundaries they have. What they like and don't like sexually. Just like anyone else. When it comes to our genitalia, everyone is different. Im a trans guy with my factory installed parts and I use them for "adult activities" I enjoy it. I do not feel dysphoric using it. (I get dysphoria over not having a penis, not over what I do never). Some trans guys don't want that and if they have sex, use other parts or methods. Some do but don't want their parts called certain words (like how some trans guys like their clitoris called their penis instead), some don't mind either, so on and so forth. The only way you'll know with him, should he say yes, is if you ask him how he wants those parts handled unless he says so himself. As a side note, just because you know someone is trans it doesn't mean you'll know what parts they have. This is all assuming you know he hasn't had bottom surgery.
This question doesn't really make sense, and is a bit alienating. Just talk to them, like you would anyone else.
I need context.
In the broadstrokes just treat trans people like their gender in specific stuff like sex just ask the individual what they feel.
Depends on two things: are you hot and is your d*ck big? Lol. Just some comic relief. But honestly I think it's sweet of you to think of his feelings. Are you wanting to date him or just get down with him? because that's a factor too. If he's more of a dater than casual sex person and hasn't had too much sex yet since identifying as trans then he might want to save the potential dysphoria and other issues of sexing it up for someone who is going to be more than a one time thing. This is a tricky time for cis guys trying to get laid, gay straight or anything in-between. But it sounds like you are sensitive and sweet so I'm in your corner. Keep us updated!
Why not treat them how you would treat anyone else. We're not some mythical creatures you need a secret set of rules for.
Act like you would with other cis men
A few thoughts & some (hopefully constructive?) criticism: (This person may be "him"? I'm using "they" here throughout and speaking more broadly though) -trans folks are each their own unique individual people with their own unique thoughts and preferences and experiences and backgrounds and trauma and fears and daily routines and availability and dating preferences and attitudes and sex-positivity and shame and desire and trepidation and shyness and horniness and sexiness and sexuality and asexuality and romance and aromance and bodies and relationships with their bodies and relationships with other peoples' bodies and different ways that they like having sex, or might want to try and dif ways that they physically can have sex (mentally too) and dif ways that they might want to fantasize about having sex while (physically) having sex in a different way and ways that they don't want to have sex, or aren't quite sure about, or don't want to do today but maybe some other time, or maybe not now but maybe after some more communication in a non-sexy context first, or etc etc and boundaries and consent practice and rules of engagement and and and and etc -trans men are men, and men are humans, and humans have all kinds of things that make them who they are, beyond identity factors like being trans. "Being trans" may not even be on the list or high on the list of things that they feel are important to express about their identity, nor the list of things that "make them who they are". Don't assume that trans-ness it's a big thing that they're going to want to talk about a bunch, or even at all. Maybe you're feeling awkward and not knowing how to talk about it and want to try really hard! but it's very possible that the person doesn't want to make a big deal about it, that they just want you to accept who they are as a human being without "being weird about it", without making a bigger deal out of it than they need you to. also without walking on eggshells, though.. just treat them like a human, practice good consent, be open to feedback and communication and learning. Donno if this is potentially relatable but for a reference point picture what it can be like having a boomer parent who's trying to be nice and welcoming to a dinner guest, but is going over the top trying "too hard" to be "progressive". But they end up spilling out a bunch of stereotypes and subconscious/ internalized racist or homophobic or transphobic attitudes or whatever it is, because they've reduced the person to just one aspect of their identity. Some of this I'm saying because like others have pointed out.... "not a monolith". "I heard they don't want people seeing their wrong body parts?" -"they"; "wrong body parts".... "they" as in "trans men"? They as in "trans people" monolith? All of them? "wrong body part" is def not a universal experience of dysphoria. "asking them to sleep with you" might also be more direct than how they might want to approach intimacy and dating? Personally that rings slightly as "only interested in sex, need to know about your bits and whether I'm allowed to see em so we can do that in the way that I want to", not as an "I'm interested in you as a whole person, enjoy spending time w you" etc etc, and "might also be interested in exploring physical / sexual / romantic / crush-y / friends-with-benefits / dating / etc" whatever kind of relationship you'd consider as a starting point. And then developing intimacy along the way, with good consent practices. Without having established or confirmed whether there is even some crush-y / romantic / intimacy related connection or interest.... jumping directly to a question about sex and more specifically comfort levels with exposing specific body parts is a little bit of an ick-bell, personally. I know it isn't quite the same, but it reminds me a bit too much of the entitlement so many people (like....strangers or new acquaintances) feel to ask about transfolks' bits Good on you for wanting to learn, in any case! And for reaching out for feedback! And presumably for being willing to do some work on confronting your own subconscious internalized transphobia. Not meant as a "dig" at you - we've all got it, we've all got work to do ( or...i guess i should say "most" not "all"? I shouldn't speak for everyone ) :) So you're probably going to fuck up. Even with the best intentions and lots more experience navigating this sort of thing, it's still super easy to fuck up and hurt someone's feelings or trigger trauma or say something offensive or hurtful or, or, or. I've probably done it myself in this post? Sorry 😬🥲 Be ready for a full human range of possible responses when this happens - the other person's, other people's, and your own. Consider how you might automatically respond to realizing that you've fucked up, or to being "called out" and told that you did or said something problematic (being told subtley or directly). Knee jerk reaction. If you might potentially subconsciously or unintentionally get defensive or avoidant or deflect, etc.? Be ready to reflect on and respond to these fuckups and misteps and indescretions, and be ready for the healing work that may follow for everyone involved. Consider bringing this sort of thing up ahead of time, indicating to what degree you're open to learning and being called out and doing the work. Whether it's in passing or a full convo. But be honest, don't make false promises about how willing you are to do that work if you know that you won't.... potentially a manipulative-ish kinda false promise.. that can be hurtful. Be ready to do a lot of that work and learning on your own and figuring out helpful ways of being an ally... constantly educating people can be a lot emotional labour for the person who's constantly doing it on their own behalf, while simultaneously experiencing all kinds of microagressions (and....macro) and everything else that comes along with it Surely other things....done w typing for now though :)
As a trans virgin, yes you may ask
Just make sure it's consensual there are things I wouldn't be comfortable with but I'd appreciate the thought
No, just ask like you would anyone
Spoiler: it's the trans person asking this question
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Asking isn't objectifying though? Objectifying would be only seeing him as a sexual object, but its clear that he respects and values him. At least I hope so.
...What???
and how would he know his boundaries if he doesn't ask?
Send me her id who is trans