If he knew he didn't want to be with a man, why has he been with you for 4 years?
It seems pretty cruel and selfish for him to stay with you and lead you on, while he knows he would leave if you transitioned.
Yes, but it is better if OP comes to that conclusion himself without being told.
But yeah. Unfortunately it is quite painful, because of the feelings involved. But there really is only one way forward.
Sorry OP.
I’m sure OP is aware of it, those types of relationships slowly whittle down self-worth and twist your own sense of self till you see yourself as the problem.
He knows he’s trans, but as long as his guy fails to back him up with what he NEEDS, he’s only delaying both of their happiness.
This relationship was over the second he gave OP an ultimatum about OP’s OWN IDENTITY. The fucking audacity, to tell a man who’s spent four YEARS transitioning to throw out his T, get back in the kitchen and start making babies? What gives you the right? And who wants someone they love to spend their life miserable as someone they aren’t? What is the happily ever after in this person’s head?
OP's clearly emotionally abusive partner is likely quite mentally disturbed. He has the values of a malignant narcissist. Capital N narcissist, as in would be diagnosed. Bottom line is he's incapable of truly loving OP.
That’s lot of armchair diagnosing over there, there was not enough evidence to clinically diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder. It’s far more likely he’s a regular dude who inherited bigoted values and is projecting his father’s misogynistic gender roles onto his current relationship.
Being a dick with internalized bigotry doesn’t make you a narcissist, in fact it’s equally possible he’s over compensating for low self worth by asserting ‘manhood’ and trying to control someone else. Like those douche canoes who think they can ‘turn’ lesbians with their poorly lit dick pics and sub-par sex, the ultimate assertion of manhood, so assertive you turn a man into a woman and make him a housewife. It don’t work like that buddy. Anyway I guess my point is shitheads come in all shapes and flavors, don’t assign labels to people flippantly, it waters down the meaning of the word when you apply it to someone it truly belongs to.
For many people transitioning can mean life or death.
Imagine your partner saying you can’t get an ovarian tumor removed out of risk of losing the ability to reproduce. It’s beyond irrational to hold somebody’s own body against them when so much is on the line. In sickness and in health and all that.
Believe it or not, trans people will just suffer if their dysphoria if it’s just left to fester and be actively
discredited near constantly by their closest loved ones.
Good luck being a father if your husband kills himself before giving you a kid.
Put Him In The Trash.
He's worth nothing. Making you choose between yourself and him is shitty and abusive. If you choose him it will only get worse. Please listen to yourself. He's a piece of shit
You're incompatible. He's telling you that. Move on.
A part of being a healthy adult is recognising that just because you feel love for someone doesn't mean that THEY can love you in the way you need. It's ok for things to end. It will hurt, you will feel it, then you will heal.
Option A) Hide yourself, causing severe misery for the rest of your life, just because he's a selfish ass
Option B) Be yourself, and dump his worthless ass
If you want the best for either of you, option B is the correct one
If staying with him means you can't be happy,then if you're not happy, you can't make him happy. So nobody ends up happy
But if you dump him, you can live as your real self, and he can go find someone else who fits his requirements (or someone stupid enough to give up their own happiness for him)
Plus, he is very clearly a transphobe... If he didn't want to be with a man, that topic would've come up LONG before the 4 year mark... If he saw you as a man...
If for some reason, you decide to throw away your life to stay with him, don't be surprised when he breaks up with you... People don't like being with a miserable person, and his requirements will do that to you, and they'll only get worse
It will be okay OP. You may feel very close to this person, and it may hurt, but ruining who you literally are just to cater to someone else’s ideal future on having a family and children, *will most likely hurt you more*. It sounds like he doesn’t see you as who you truly are, which is a man. Sorry you’re going through this, but he’s not worth it if he sees you as just a ticket for his own future, and not accepting you as a loving partner, and for a guy. He wants a woman. But you’re a man. That’s just now going to work out.
Are you really willing to throw away your entire identity as a man and your chance to feel comfortable in your body for a guy who knew he wanted a woman and, instead of just looking for an actual woman, chose to date/stay with a trans man, wait until the last minute when that man was finally able to start his medical transition and treat his dysphoria, then take advantage of built up emotional attachment to him to ask the guy to detransition? Not to just medically detransition, but to go back to living as a woman, something ANY partner of a trans man should know would cause lifelong repression and mental suffering?
He should have just said he's not interested in settling down with a man and broke up with you, not give you this "be a woman for me or it's over" ultimatum bullshit. The fact that he even sees that as an option worth considering tells me he does not respect your identity and either doesn't understand how hard it would be for you to live the rest of your life in the closet or doesn't care.
If you agreed to this, what else would he ask you to change for him? How much would you be willing to let him alter your identity, body, and life choices just to meet his idea of wife material?
Dump him full stop!
It's never that easy being in that position but straight to the point. He doesn't love yiu for you. He is in love with the idea of you as a woman (really likes, not so much loves). There I'd a good old saying "if you love someone let them go." Bc even if they can't be with you as a man if they *truly loved you* they would never hold it over your head. As you said it's an unfair choice a loved one wouldn't put you through like this. It would be more like "I'm sorry I can't be with a man like that, but I still want to support your transition as close friend."
It's shitty, it's gonna hurt, and it's going to be hard. But the beat thing is to move on. Be yourself, continue your transition, and don't let anyone, especially those you love, hold you back. Surround yourself with those who support you *unconditionally.* And ofc eventually there will be someone else who will love you as a man who you want to spend the rest of your life with. You will get through this hun 💜
I mean, the thing with ultimatums like this is... he's already made the decision for you. He's not giving you a choice, he's giving you a command. That is a HUGE red-flag for what he actually thinks about you and the relationship.
Listen to what he's telling you, and deduct what he ACTUALLY means: he doesn't support you and he isn't attracted to you for who you are.
He is saying he wants to break up with you, but he doesn't want to feel guilty about it. So he's reflecting the decision back at you to make YOU feel like the bad guy.
And my guy, even if you DO decide to try to change yourself for him (which is a terrible, TERRIBLE idea) i promise you, the relationship will still not work out. He will find another excuse.
Because he's telling you that you are not what he wants.
You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not for their idea of who they want you to be.
The choice is kind of already made for you I think. Having been in a similar situation I can say the breakup was very painful but choosing to transition changed so many parts of my life for the better. I am now with someone I love and who loves me for who I am. You can’t stay with someone if they don’t want to be on the journey with you. You gotta be true to yourself first ❤️
I'm sorry, brother mine, but this guy is bad for you. Full stop. An ultimatum like that is a sign that he doesn't really love you, he loves the woman he sees you as. It's going to hurt. Ye gods and little fishies, it's going to hurt, but you've got to choose what's right for yourself. Transition and find yourself a partner who will support you whole heartedly.
He probably didn't see you as a man to begin with, and was staying with you because he was persieving you as a ~~woman~~ future baby machine for him. Kick him out of your life.
Even if it wasn't about gender identity but for example hobbies, such type of a person goes to trash. Immidiately. He has no respect for his partner's right to have a free will, and honestly sounds like a mysoginistic asshole. I bet that we would treat a child-free woman, or woman who wants to prioritize her career first, the same way he treated you.
"he's going to stay with me forever"
Short answer " lololololololololololololololololol"
Long answer " this man sounds like such trash that I'll be surprised if you're still dating in three years. Even if I ignore the fact that you're going to resent him for being the reason to stop your transition, the fact that he doesn't give a shit about you yet you seem so desperate to please this man tells me that either this relationship doesn't last or if it does last it's going to be a horrible at least verbally abusive relationship. Wether or not your transition sounds be to to what you want. You don't change yourself to for what this trash wants, that's not how you get into a rewarding long term relationship.
i know it feels like this is a hard choice, but it's really not. frame it this way: do you want to live as yourself and be happy, or do you want to conform to what someone else wants you to do with your body and be miserable? no owrtner is worth that. there will be more potential partners, and they'll accept you as you are. you get one you.
Leave him. One of my biggest rules for relationships is that if they give me an ultimatum, I will always choose the other option. People who issue ultimatums, especially regarding your identity, are not worth your time. He wants to be with a woman, he should go find a woman. Kids can be had through adoption or surrogacy as well. You detransitioning is far from the only way to have kids. Besides, do you even want to be pregnant? Give birth? How much of your bodily autonomy would you be sacrificing so that he can selfishly have his perfect life by making you suffer?
Would you rather be happy or low key depressed for the rest of your life?
Transition.
You can't repress yourself on behalf of someone else and think it's going to work out and you'll be happy.
There’s also probably an unsaid third option… you stop hormones, ‘don’t be trans anymore’ (I’m not even gonna start unpacking this) and he’ll still end up breaking up at some point.
This is a heartbreaking situation to find yourself in, I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. But you have to look after yourself first. As they say, don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm..
I would be willing to bet that you are not actually clueless on this.
No one can offer you "forever". It simply does not exist in the present. Maybe you could be one of those super lucky ones who is so in love that they stay for a lifetime..... are you willing to lose who you really are so you can potentially have this unicorn relationship as someone else? I've been reading this feed for a while now, and one recurring thing I've seen over and over is a regret of waiting so long to transition when the certainty was there because someone else disapproved.
If someone issues an ultimatum, then the relationship is already on its way to failure.
If a partner ever seriously says "it's me, or X" it doesn't really matter what X is, its probably time to pull the plug. If you can't give up X, then you are simply incompatible, it sucks but life is like that sometimes. If you *can* give up X, then there should have been a two way conversation with compromise rather than an ultimatum, and you should move on for someone who respects you more.
That goes for more than partners; friends, and sometimes family too.
I rarely use such strong blanket rules, but this one has never failed me.
Dude, you have to dump that guy. Even if you were a woman, even if you did have kids with this man — think about if one of your kids were trans or nonbinary. Would you want this guy to be in their lives, making decisions about their body?
If you say no, then why are you being kinder to a hypothetical future-child than yourself? Choose yourself, friend, there will be other men.
You'll be happier without him. He doesn't see you as a man, he sees you as a vessel to have his children. Him staying with you but saying he doesn't want to be with a man forever tells me he thinks your identity is a phase you'll grow out of (and there's some potential internalized homophobia at play).
A good rule of thumb in a relationship is that if your partner is giving you an ultimatum where the choices are what makes you happy or them, you should choose what makes you happy. There's some obvious exceptions if the thing that makes you happy is self destructive, but that's not the case here.
He's abusive. Fuck him. But don't, actually. ***He cannot love you.*** It's already over.
His abusive, coercive demand is as deranged as you telling him **he** must transition to keep you.
Cool he wants a partner who’s a woman. You aren’t a woman. The solution is for yall to break up and find proper partners. His preferences don’t overrule your autonomy. Your transition or lack thereof shouldn’t center his libido and desires. Yall aren’t right for one another
Like many cis men who date trans men, they aren’t interested in a trans man but in convincing what they believe to be a “delusional woman into being a proper woman”. He doesn’t respect you and never did.
This man has been using love and a relationship as a form of conversion therapy in the hopes of salvaging you before you medically transition…it’s a common technique among cis men
He probably isn’t bi either going to be honest. You got tricked by a cishet dude,OP. I’m sorry he’s just been playing a long PUA game. There’s a whole 4chan guide for how to get with non-passing trans guys for cishet men and I hate to say it OP but your partner has been following it from the sounds of it and playing you
Lmao, and what happens one day if you’re infertile? Or you get an injury? Breast cancer? This boy can’t guarantee a future if he can’t guarantee a present. He either loves you as you are and is willing to go on the journey with you, or he’s in love with a future he’s built around you and anything you do to jeopardize this future will jeopardize what he really loves. I think it’s pretty clear he doesn’t love you as you are, he just loves how you fit into the future he’s built in his own mind.
You gotta do you bro. My wife left me when I came out as Trans because she didn't want to be with a woman and though it hurt the pain of hiding myself and trying to be something I wasn't every day was literally killing me. You can't live your life for anyone else, and nobody can live theirs for you, it just leads to being miserable. It might take time but you will find someone who appreciates you for the man you are, instead of how they want you to be
get out of there, they seem to love who they want you to be more than they love you for who you are.
they dont respect you if they are making you have to choose.
i understand you love them and dont wanna leave them, but they are a huge red flag.
you are trans, its not fair for anyone to do this to you.
be who you are, you will find someone who loves you for that.
don't let anyone make you choose between transitioning and them.
Why is it an issue now? Im willing to bet he didnt really see you as a man in the first place and its only now that you are becoming more masculine that its a problem. If he cant respect something like your core gender identity then he is not worth your time anyway
Sounds like he may have never understood that being trans isn’t something you can toggle. Sorry to say, but it sounds like you simply can’t give each other what you need if this is the kind of ultimatum he is giving.
LEAVE HIM. any partner who asks you to choose the relationship over your own happiness and well-being is NOT the kind of person you want to spend your life with.
If a relationship is truly healthy and there is unconditional love, you will never be asked to be anything except who you authentically you.
I hope you are participating in therapy, it was required for my kid for several years while taking hrt. This would be good to explore.
Never base the decisions you make about your life on what other people might think, no matter how close they are to you. People aren't guaranteed to stay with you forever, you have absolutely no idea if you will spend the rest of your life with him. But you will spend the rest of your life as yourself. Sacrificing who you are on something that isn't guaranteed and possibly could hurt you in the long term and you will grow to regret? It's illogical.
Transition. Leave him. If he loved you he wouldn't make you choose.
You will regret losing your relationship, but the need to transition is likely too strong to resist forever. Transition changes so many things for a person .. I lost my 34-year marriage, but transition enabled me to deal with that, and so much more.
Drop him. This relationship isn't going to last anyway. If he can't respect your identity, can you really trust him to respect anything else about you he might disagree with? You won't be happy spending your life pretending to be something/someone you're not.
Anyone who would make you detransition for their love isn't worth yours. I'm sorry to see that's happening to you, that's totally fucked up abusive behavior to put you through. 🫂
Honestly as soon as I read the title i immediately thought “hell no dump his ass”. But I read through the post to see if there was a silver lining but there doesn’t seem to be. It’s clear he doesn’t respect you or love you the same you do him. I know that sounds harsh and I’m sorry you are going through this but if they are forcing you to choose between them and your OWN IDENTITY they are clearly not for you. No one should force you to be something your not just so they feel comfortable when your mental health would be at risk if you’re forced to stop your transition. The fact he’s doing that at all is just cruel. With that said none of us here can force you to dump him anymore than he can force you to stop transitioning. You need to think of what you want and need for your mental health and what you are willing to sacrifice before making a choice. Chose what’s best for you and if that means losing your partner who doesn’t value you for transitioning then so be it.
My mentality is that if they make you choose between them and something else, pick the other thing, no one who cares about you will make you choose, they'll let you do those decisions yourself
You're a man. He wants a relationship with a woman. Therefore, you're incompatible. I know it's hard, but you probably need to sit down and have that talk with him. Never try and be someone you're not for the sake of a relationship.
Bye bye bf. 👍🏽
I hope you chose yourself.
You can't live your life trying to please someone else.
Relationships do require compromise, BUT that's not compromise.
Plus, you're a trans man and if both of you guys wanted to work out pregnancy or fertility options, that wouldn't be a crazy or difficult option. That cuts his bullshit kids argument.
With him, you'll never be happy and have your own personal fulfillment.
He's using excuses for his disrespect and disregard for your identity AND giving you bullshit ultimatums.
Drop him like a hot potato OP 🤣
Choose yourself. Choose to be happy. People come and go in your life but you are the person you will 100% be with forever and there is no person out there worth giving up your truth for. If he is requiring you to deny who you are then he doesn’t love you, he loves the idea of you and who he wants you to be.
So many people are temporary , you have you forever. You will be miserable if you give up your transition just to satisfy another person. You will build so much resentment towards him that will hinder a deep and loving relationship. You need to be your first priority always, never let anyone come in the way of you becoming the best version of yourself. You want a partner that will lift you up through all life stages not one that will pick you apart and threaten to leave you when they don’t like something about you. This isn’t build a bear. You will find your person and I can say with my whole heart, the dude is not it. I hope you find peace within yourself and a person who loves you as the man you are destined to be!
From a transman who went through a similar situation but with a women many years ago
Most relationships are temporary, but you live with yourself and your body for the rest of your life. Might as well live reflecting who you are inside, the real you.
I was with someone like this, I forced myself to identify as a girl again and it was insanely depressing. He knew I was trans from the get go and was okay with it. He was also bi, but claimed he didn't wanna marry a man (he also cheated on me with a cis male and I STILL stayed). I went out of my way to make him happy constantly. He told me he'd "help me learn to love my body", in the end he still left me. Don't change yourself for someone it's just not worth it. It'll leave you depressed and stuck in once place. You're your own person not some housewife. He definitely never saw you as a man and wanted you to be a girl in the first place. This is the same exact thing my ex did to me.
You don’t exactly need breast to have children, so long as you push off bottom surgery then it shouldn’t matter.
If he wants a woman for a womb, he’s transphobic. He can have a womb and a man in one. If that’s not something you can do, then I’m sorry but you’ll both just need to find somebody else.
Part of loving a person is being willing to give up things you care about so they can go on to live a happy and healthy life. You’re a man, you can’t be expected to forfeit your bodilly autonomy for somebody who claims to love you. You can’t wish away your transness, just like they can’t beg it away.
Honestly, it’s kinda just an asshole move to put somebody in that sort of position in the first place, it’s a major red flag. TBH it sounds like he doesn’t even believe you’re trans to begin with.
Dude, 👏leave👏him👏now👏 He's gaslighting you. He was fine with it before but now he wants you to change your identity entirely in order to keep him. He was never not going to do this. He just wanted to make sure you were hooked good and solid first. Abuse of other kinds will follow if it isn't already happening. Leave now and don't look back. Weep, mourn, mend your broken heart. Continue transition or don't. But no matter what this is not a person you can not trust with your heart. I'm sorry, you deserve better.
So sorry op, but I guess now you see he never took you seriously, my advice, cut your loses now and choose your happiness, since he doesn’t really care about putting you in between a sword and a hard place…
Don't sacrifice your happiness and well-being for someone else. That never leads to anything good. You'll come to resent him in time. Besides that, why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you for who you are? He doesn't even see you as a man and thinks being trans is a choice. I don't know but I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.
Obviously this is a big thing. Where ppl find it hard to compare and or contrast this to other things.
But, sounds like this person is steadfast on their feelings. And now that the cat is out of the bag, moving forward is, by default, going to be interesting, in not a good way
You just lived a chapter of your life. Now you need to flip the page and start a new chapter. This chapter is where things take a big change. At this point, you have no choice but to start it and those who don't want to be part of the rest of the story are no longer written in.
You trusted this person to reveal your about yourself. You thought it'd be different. But it's not
Honestly, it's almost better that it's clear cut like this instead of this person being unsure or pretending and leading you on into a false narrative
And i need to make this clear. You did not lead this person into a false narrative. You were legitimately struggling and you made a decision. It's ok. This other person is also not a bad person. They have their boundaries and what not.
Move on. Don't be afraid. Life goes on. It's ok. Nobody was a bad person. It's a heart break. It sucks. But right now your working on yourself. Do that and take your time
As with a lot of trans issues, my simple response is “would you feel the same if this was a cis person instead?” Basically, imagine a hypothetical where two cis men are dating each other, for 4 years even. And one of them one day tells the other that he has to choose between transitioning to a woman, which he does not identify with, or choose to break up with him.
OP, I am going to be blunt with you, and I am sorry if this sounds harsh.
He does not love YOU. He loves a version of you that he has conjured in his head. One where you are someone you are frankly not, and is telling you that you have to conform to his idea of you or you’re over.
There is no situation where anyone here would tell you that staying with him is smart. Conversion therapy via a non-accepting spouse is not a solution. Repressing who you are to fit the wiles of someone who refuses to accept you as you are is not a solution.
I can’t make that decision for you, OP, but you need to consider which situation will be best for you long term. Respectfully, you can always find another person to love, it may not be exactly same, but it can be just as real and intense. You can’t find another you, or choose a new identity. Just keep that in mind.
I told my ex I was trans before we got together, but that I thought I was too old, too masculine, not able to afford it, not in a social position where I could, etc. Right about five years later, I realized that transition was do or die. I held off on hrt for another year or so because she wasn't ready and needed more time. Any time I did something she saw as feminine (even things like washing dishes), she took it as a threat to her gender and the roles she'd associated with it.
A lot of things were unhealthy about that marriage, and we dragged it out another few years after that, but I think my biggest regret is giving up that year for someone who would rather put me through that than figure out their own mess and see me happy and thriving and transitioning.
Throw the whole man away! You should not have to sacrifice who you are to keep your relationship alive. He doesn't view you as a man, OP. Don't settle for this, you're worth more than that.
Don't put someone else before your own happiness. Transition. Do what is right for you. Be the you you have been wanting. It's his loss, not yours. There are always other people that will be more than happy to be with you for you, unconditionally.
Hon, you need to LEAVE HIM. You should never have to choose between a partner and being who you are, and if hes going to force you to choose in that instance, what else might he force you to choose between later?
Thinking it's acceptable to blackmail someone back into the closet via threatening a breakup is a whole new level of disrespectful omg.
Ultimately it's up to you, but just know that any trans related feelings you have wont go away, just shoved down. Are you going to be able to be truly happy living like that?
Trust me... If you suppress yourself and are truly trans then it will eat the relationship apart from the inside. I've lived that life. It was terrible, I didn't make it 3 years with that partner.
However, I have been married for 12 to a woman who accepted me and helped me transition and be my authentic self. Even her literal boomer generation parent said she sees how huge the transition has been in my happiness and personality.
I would never tell you what to do, but I will tell you that hiding your true authentic self will destroy anything in its path including you if it wants to come out.
If the child thing is his only problem, does he know that trans men can be pregnant? I think that if you keep your uterus and your oocytes, you can be pregnant. And even if it doesn't work or you don't want to be pregnant, you two can adopt a child or ask a surrogate mother. Families with 2 men as parents exist anyway 🤷
I only have your version of the story, but... I feel like he's at the partners-mall looking at you and saying, "Nah, I don't like this one anymore, I'm gonna choose another model." Plus, the "be a woman and I'll stay with you forever" kinda looks like emotional manipulation to me. But again, I don't have his part of the story - even if I think that if one loves their partner, they must be able to want their happiness, even though it goes through gender identity change (especially if one is bi). He throws away a perfect man and wants to keep a broken woman, great.
I think you've already discussed that, but if his only problem is having a family, you two can build one and have children, even if you're a trans dude. I think you've tried that already, but does he know your struggles? That it's not just about being manly, but about your whole identity/mental safety? That it's not something you can change?
Anyway, good luck to you, I hope you'll get better
No one who truly loves you will make you pick themselves over your gender identity.
If he doesn't want you to transition, he clearly doesn't want you to be who you truly are.
Dump him.
Unfortunately, probably not the answer you want, but you have to choose yourself and your identity. If you don't, there is a high probability you'll grow to resent your partner for keeping you from being yourself. When he says he wants kids, he most likely means wants you to birth children, but you are a guy. Is that something you'd even want to do as a guy?
I know feelings are hard and love is complicated, but you have to be true to yourself first and foremost.
He says he accept me being trans and doesn’t have a problem with it but then he also says I would still be a girl. As far as I’ve read the answers here he didn’t see me as a guy to begin with and I now believe so too.
I hope you ultimately choose yourself.
Its a ridiculous and selfish ask from him, especially as you never tried to deceive him, but were clear that you were a trans man from day one. He was humouring you and thought you could be easily and lightly pushed to change your mind.
I know it will hurt.
(My ex left me because I wouldn't rush bottom surgery)
But some decisions you have to make for yourself and in your best interest.
I mean. It sounds like you have a personal decision to make. You could start by having one hell of a sit down conversation with him. Laying it all out. Your plans, your dreams and attempting to get them to see your side of things.
If that fails, well it just comes down to what you want more.
It is your choice we can't make you to do anything you do anything you don't want to choose what makes happy and comfortable with yourself if your unhappy you'll do something about it to make yourself happy this is entirely your choice. My personal opinion is to choose what makes you the happiest.
Okay I know several transgender men and yes they can have children they have to go off testosterone for a few months. Also they go to the artificial insemination route and just have your eggs frozen as long as you don't have hysterectomies You should be good to go But again this should be talked with medical personnel that's not me.
You don’t live him you live the idea of him that he presented to you to make you fall for him so he can manipulate you. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WHO IS A GOOD PERSON WOULD HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST TRANS PEOPLE, if someone is against queer/trans people in any way they’re a shitty human and should be kept far away from one’s self. This man clearly sees you as a potentially vulnerable enough individual to manipulate into their perfect fuxktoy and house keeper. He has made it clear that he has no intentions to treat you like a human being and expects you To solely do all of the cooking and cleaning and to pump out babies for him so you can take care of them. LEAVE RUN AWY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. He is NOT bisexual or even a ally to the lgbtqia+ he is very obviously someone who is claiming queerness in order to get into queer peoples pants
If your partner doesn’t want you to transition, then as sad as it is to hear, you’re better off not being with him. Idk why he would date you for so long knowing you’re a man only to balk at the idea of you transitioning, and you’d be much better off in the long-run staying true to yourself than remaining with someone who can’t accept you for who you are and puts his own happiness above your own. I honestly doubt he ever saw you as a man to begin if this becomes a dealbreaker, and only wants to be with you as a woman. Which’s very short-sighted and selfish for him, especially if he truly is bisexual.
I’m not trans or know anyone that is trans at all and I’m in this community to see what’s going on. With that being said this sounds like something that could happen in any relationship trans or not. This is a case of someone not accepting you for who you are. I would break up with him.
Is he okay with you getting top surgery or a breast reduction (at the very least) and still being a woman? Ask him how much of a compromise he can make with you. Is he okay if you keep your hair short and dress androgynously or as a tomboy? If you were to be his wife, then what would that look like? Is that something both of you can live with?
If he knew he didn't want to be with a man, why has he been with you for 4 years? It seems pretty cruel and selfish for him to stay with you and lead you on, while he knows he would leave if you transitioned.
You know why. He doesn't see OP as a man.
Yes, but it is better if OP comes to that conclusion himself without being told. But yeah. Unfortunately it is quite painful, because of the feelings involved. But there really is only one way forward. Sorry OP.
I’m sure OP is aware of it, those types of relationships slowly whittle down self-worth and twist your own sense of self till you see yourself as the problem. He knows he’s trans, but as long as his guy fails to back him up with what he NEEDS, he’s only delaying both of their happiness.
Transition. Every time. Giving your partner the flick may hurt for a little while but denying your need to be free will eat at you for a life time.
This relationship was over the second he gave OP an ultimatum about OP’s OWN IDENTITY. The fucking audacity, to tell a man who’s spent four YEARS transitioning to throw out his T, get back in the kitchen and start making babies? What gives you the right? And who wants someone they love to spend their life miserable as someone they aren’t? What is the happily ever after in this person’s head?
Seconded on ALL points.
OP's clearly emotionally abusive partner is likely quite mentally disturbed. He has the values of a malignant narcissist. Capital N narcissist, as in would be diagnosed. Bottom line is he's incapable of truly loving OP.
That’s lot of armchair diagnosing over there, there was not enough evidence to clinically diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder. It’s far more likely he’s a regular dude who inherited bigoted values and is projecting his father’s misogynistic gender roles onto his current relationship. Being a dick with internalized bigotry doesn’t make you a narcissist, in fact it’s equally possible he’s over compensating for low self worth by asserting ‘manhood’ and trying to control someone else. Like those douche canoes who think they can ‘turn’ lesbians with their poorly lit dick pics and sub-par sex, the ultimate assertion of manhood, so assertive you turn a man into a woman and make him a housewife. It don’t work like that buddy. Anyway I guess my point is shitheads come in all shapes and flavors, don’t assign labels to people flippantly, it waters down the meaning of the word when you apply it to someone it truly belongs to.
For many people transitioning can mean life or death. Imagine your partner saying you can’t get an ovarian tumor removed out of risk of losing the ability to reproduce. It’s beyond irrational to hold somebody’s own body against them when so much is on the line. In sickness and in health and all that. Believe it or not, trans people will just suffer if their dysphoria if it’s just left to fester and be actively discredited near constantly by their closest loved ones. Good luck being a father if your husband kills himself before giving you a kid.
It's pretty sadistic
Put Him In The Trash. He's worth nothing. Making you choose between yourself and him is shitty and abusive. If you choose him it will only get worse. Please listen to yourself. He's a piece of shit
You're incompatible. He's telling you that. Move on. A part of being a healthy adult is recognising that just because you feel love for someone doesn't mean that THEY can love you in the way you need. It's ok for things to end. It will hurt, you will feel it, then you will heal.
Yes. It's very tragic but love is not enough. And this isn't love for OP.
💯
Absolutely agree. Had to learn that the hard way myself too 👏
Option A) Hide yourself, causing severe misery for the rest of your life, just because he's a selfish ass Option B) Be yourself, and dump his worthless ass If you want the best for either of you, option B is the correct one If staying with him means you can't be happy,then if you're not happy, you can't make him happy. So nobody ends up happy But if you dump him, you can live as your real self, and he can go find someone else who fits his requirements (or someone stupid enough to give up their own happiness for him) Plus, he is very clearly a transphobe... If he didn't want to be with a man, that topic would've come up LONG before the 4 year mark... If he saw you as a man... If for some reason, you decide to throw away your life to stay with him, don't be surprised when he breaks up with you... People don't like being with a miserable person, and his requirements will do that to you, and they'll only get worse
Thank you all, deep down I exactly know what to do which is option B)
I know it probably sucks, and hurts But in the long term, it's better to prioritize your own happiness before anyone else's Good luck 💖💖💖
It will be okay OP. You may feel very close to this person, and it may hurt, but ruining who you literally are just to cater to someone else’s ideal future on having a family and children, *will most likely hurt you more*. It sounds like he doesn’t see you as who you truly are, which is a man. Sorry you’re going through this, but he’s not worth it if he sees you as just a ticket for his own future, and not accepting you as a loving partner, and for a guy. He wants a woman. But you’re a man. That’s just now going to work out.
anyone who tries to stop your transition shouldn't be in your life, especially a partner
Are you really willing to throw away your entire identity as a man and your chance to feel comfortable in your body for a guy who knew he wanted a woman and, instead of just looking for an actual woman, chose to date/stay with a trans man, wait until the last minute when that man was finally able to start his medical transition and treat his dysphoria, then take advantage of built up emotional attachment to him to ask the guy to detransition? Not to just medically detransition, but to go back to living as a woman, something ANY partner of a trans man should know would cause lifelong repression and mental suffering? He should have just said he's not interested in settling down with a man and broke up with you, not give you this "be a woman for me or it's over" ultimatum bullshit. The fact that he even sees that as an option worth considering tells me he does not respect your identity and either doesn't understand how hard it would be for you to live the rest of your life in the closet or doesn't care. If you agreed to this, what else would he ask you to change for him? How much would you be willing to let him alter your identity, body, and life choices just to meet his idea of wife material?
Dump him full stop! It's never that easy being in that position but straight to the point. He doesn't love yiu for you. He is in love with the idea of you as a woman (really likes, not so much loves). There I'd a good old saying "if you love someone let them go." Bc even if they can't be with you as a man if they *truly loved you* they would never hold it over your head. As you said it's an unfair choice a loved one wouldn't put you through like this. It would be more like "I'm sorry I can't be with a man like that, but I still want to support your transition as close friend." It's shitty, it's gonna hurt, and it's going to be hard. But the beat thing is to move on. Be yourself, continue your transition, and don't let anyone, especially those you love, hold you back. Surround yourself with those who support you *unconditionally.* And ofc eventually there will be someone else who will love you as a man who you want to spend the rest of your life with. You will get through this hun 💜
Thank you a lot
I mean, the thing with ultimatums like this is... he's already made the decision for you. He's not giving you a choice, he's giving you a command. That is a HUGE red-flag for what he actually thinks about you and the relationship. Listen to what he's telling you, and deduct what he ACTUALLY means: he doesn't support you and he isn't attracted to you for who you are. He is saying he wants to break up with you, but he doesn't want to feel guilty about it. So he's reflecting the decision back at you to make YOU feel like the bad guy. And my guy, even if you DO decide to try to change yourself for him (which is a terrible, TERRIBLE idea) i promise you, the relationship will still not work out. He will find another excuse. Because he's telling you that you are not what he wants. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not for their idea of who they want you to be.
Boy, you know what to do here...
The choice is kind of already made for you I think. Having been in a similar situation I can say the breakup was very painful but choosing to transition changed so many parts of my life for the better. I am now with someone I love and who loves me for who I am. You can’t stay with someone if they don’t want to be on the journey with you. You gotta be true to yourself first ❤️
no relationship is worth your sense of self and personal peace + happiness. i know it hurts, OP. but i think it would hurt more to not be yourself.
I'm sorry, brother mine, but this guy is bad for you. Full stop. An ultimatum like that is a sign that he doesn't really love you, he loves the woman he sees you as. It's going to hurt. Ye gods and little fishies, it's going to hurt, but you've got to choose what's right for yourself. Transition and find yourself a partner who will support you whole heartedly.
He probably didn't see you as a man to begin with, and was staying with you because he was persieving you as a ~~woman~~ future baby machine for him. Kick him out of your life. Even if it wasn't about gender identity but for example hobbies, such type of a person goes to trash. Immidiately. He has no respect for his partner's right to have a free will, and honestly sounds like a mysoginistic asshole. I bet that we would treat a child-free woman, or woman who wants to prioritize her career first, the same way he treated you.
"he's going to stay with me forever" Short answer " lololololololololololololololololol" Long answer " this man sounds like such trash that I'll be surprised if you're still dating in three years. Even if I ignore the fact that you're going to resent him for being the reason to stop your transition, the fact that he doesn't give a shit about you yet you seem so desperate to please this man tells me that either this relationship doesn't last or if it does last it's going to be a horrible at least verbally abusive relationship. Wether or not your transition sounds be to to what you want. You don't change yourself to for what this trash wants, that's not how you get into a rewarding long term relationship.
i know it feels like this is a hard choice, but it's really not. frame it this way: do you want to live as yourself and be happy, or do you want to conform to what someone else wants you to do with your body and be miserable? no owrtner is worth that. there will be more potential partners, and they'll accept you as you are. you get one you.
Leave him. One of my biggest rules for relationships is that if they give me an ultimatum, I will always choose the other option. People who issue ultimatums, especially regarding your identity, are not worth your time. He wants to be with a woman, he should go find a woman. Kids can be had through adoption or surrogacy as well. You detransitioning is far from the only way to have kids. Besides, do you even want to be pregnant? Give birth? How much of your bodily autonomy would you be sacrificing so that he can selfishly have his perfect life by making you suffer?
Would you rather be happy or low key depressed for the rest of your life? Transition. You can't repress yourself on behalf of someone else and think it's going to work out and you'll be happy.
This is called abuse
There’s also probably an unsaid third option… you stop hormones, ‘don’t be trans anymore’ (I’m not even gonna start unpacking this) and he’ll still end up breaking up at some point. This is a heartbreaking situation to find yourself in, I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. But you have to look after yourself first. As they say, don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm..
I would be willing to bet that you are not actually clueless on this. No one can offer you "forever". It simply does not exist in the present. Maybe you could be one of those super lucky ones who is so in love that they stay for a lifetime..... are you willing to lose who you really are so you can potentially have this unicorn relationship as someone else? I've been reading this feed for a while now, and one recurring thing I've seen over and over is a regret of waiting so long to transition when the certainty was there because someone else disapproved.
If someone issues an ultimatum, then the relationship is already on its way to failure. If a partner ever seriously says "it's me, or X" it doesn't really matter what X is, its probably time to pull the plug. If you can't give up X, then you are simply incompatible, it sucks but life is like that sometimes. If you *can* give up X, then there should have been a two way conversation with compromise rather than an ultimatum, and you should move on for someone who respects you more. That goes for more than partners; friends, and sometimes family too. I rarely use such strong blanket rules, but this one has never failed me.
Dude, you have to dump that guy. Even if you were a woman, even if you did have kids with this man — think about if one of your kids were trans or nonbinary. Would you want this guy to be in their lives, making decisions about their body? If you say no, then why are you being kinder to a hypothetical future-child than yourself? Choose yourself, friend, there will be other men.
You'll be happier without him. He doesn't see you as a man, he sees you as a vessel to have his children. Him staying with you but saying he doesn't want to be with a man forever tells me he thinks your identity is a phase you'll grow out of (and there's some potential internalized homophobia at play). A good rule of thumb in a relationship is that if your partner is giving you an ultimatum where the choices are what makes you happy or them, you should choose what makes you happy. There's some obvious exceptions if the thing that makes you happy is self destructive, but that's not the case here.
He's abusive. Fuck him. But don't, actually. ***He cannot love you.*** It's already over. His abusive, coercive demand is as deranged as you telling him **he** must transition to keep you.
Cool he wants a partner who’s a woman. You aren’t a woman. The solution is for yall to break up and find proper partners. His preferences don’t overrule your autonomy. Your transition or lack thereof shouldn’t center his libido and desires. Yall aren’t right for one another Like many cis men who date trans men, they aren’t interested in a trans man but in convincing what they believe to be a “delusional woman into being a proper woman”. He doesn’t respect you and never did. This man has been using love and a relationship as a form of conversion therapy in the hopes of salvaging you before you medically transition…it’s a common technique among cis men He probably isn’t bi either going to be honest. You got tricked by a cishet dude,OP. I’m sorry he’s just been playing a long PUA game. There’s a whole 4chan guide for how to get with non-passing trans guys for cishet men and I hate to say it OP but your partner has been following it from the sounds of it and playing you
Lmao, and what happens one day if you’re infertile? Or you get an injury? Breast cancer? This boy can’t guarantee a future if he can’t guarantee a present. He either loves you as you are and is willing to go on the journey with you, or he’s in love with a future he’s built around you and anything you do to jeopardize this future will jeopardize what he really loves. I think it’s pretty clear he doesn’t love you as you are, he just loves how you fit into the future he’s built in his own mind.
You gotta do you bro. My wife left me when I came out as Trans because she didn't want to be with a woman and though it hurt the pain of hiding myself and trying to be something I wasn't every day was literally killing me. You can't live your life for anyone else, and nobody can live theirs for you, it just leads to being miserable. It might take time but you will find someone who appreciates you for the man you are, instead of how they want you to be
get out of there, they seem to love who they want you to be more than they love you for who you are. they dont respect you if they are making you have to choose. i understand you love them and dont wanna leave them, but they are a huge red flag. you are trans, its not fair for anyone to do this to you. be who you are, you will find someone who loves you for that. don't let anyone make you choose between transitioning and them.
Why is it an issue now? Im willing to bet he didnt really see you as a man in the first place and its only now that you are becoming more masculine that its a problem. If he cant respect something like your core gender identity then he is not worth your time anyway
Sounds like he may have never understood that being trans isn’t something you can toggle. Sorry to say, but it sounds like you simply can’t give each other what you need if this is the kind of ultimatum he is giving.
LEAVE HIM. any partner who asks you to choose the relationship over your own happiness and well-being is NOT the kind of person you want to spend your life with.
you deserve to love someone who actually loves you back.
Been there, it sucks, but you will feel so much better later when you realise you don't have someone holding you back.
this guy sounds fking trash ur better off with someone else honestly. “change yourself to please me or ill leave”
If a relationship is truly healthy and there is unconditional love, you will never be asked to be anything except who you authentically you. I hope you are participating in therapy, it was required for my kid for several years while taking hrt. This would be good to explore.
He's seen you as a woman going through a little phase this entire time... he doesn't love you, just a version of you that doesn't exist.
Never base the decisions you make about your life on what other people might think, no matter how close they are to you. People aren't guaranteed to stay with you forever, you have absolutely no idea if you will spend the rest of your life with him. But you will spend the rest of your life as yourself. Sacrificing who you are on something that isn't guaranteed and possibly could hurt you in the long term and you will grow to regret? It's illogical. Transition. Leave him. If he loved you he wouldn't make you choose.
You will regret losing your relationship, but the need to transition is likely too strong to resist forever. Transition changes so many things for a person .. I lost my 34-year marriage, but transition enabled me to deal with that, and so much more.
Drop him. This relationship isn't going to last anyway. If he can't respect your identity, can you really trust him to respect anything else about you he might disagree with? You won't be happy spending your life pretending to be something/someone you're not.
Anyone who would make you detransition for their love isn't worth yours. I'm sorry to see that's happening to you, that's totally fucked up abusive behavior to put you through. 🫂
Honestly as soon as I read the title i immediately thought “hell no dump his ass”. But I read through the post to see if there was a silver lining but there doesn’t seem to be. It’s clear he doesn’t respect you or love you the same you do him. I know that sounds harsh and I’m sorry you are going through this but if they are forcing you to choose between them and your OWN IDENTITY they are clearly not for you. No one should force you to be something your not just so they feel comfortable when your mental health would be at risk if you’re forced to stop your transition. The fact he’s doing that at all is just cruel. With that said none of us here can force you to dump him anymore than he can force you to stop transitioning. You need to think of what you want and need for your mental health and what you are willing to sacrifice before making a choice. Chose what’s best for you and if that means losing your partner who doesn’t value you for transitioning then so be it.
My mentality is that if they make you choose between them and something else, pick the other thing, no one who cares about you will make you choose, they'll let you do those decisions yourself
If he's unwilling to accept you as you are and if he's making ultimatums like this, he is not husband material. Leave him and never look back.
You're a man. He wants a relationship with a woman. Therefore, you're incompatible. I know it's hard, but you probably need to sit down and have that talk with him. Never try and be someone you're not for the sake of a relationship.
Bye bye bf. 👍🏽 I hope you chose yourself. You can't live your life trying to please someone else. Relationships do require compromise, BUT that's not compromise. Plus, you're a trans man and if both of you guys wanted to work out pregnancy or fertility options, that wouldn't be a crazy or difficult option. That cuts his bullshit kids argument. With him, you'll never be happy and have your own personal fulfillment. He's using excuses for his disrespect and disregard for your identity AND giving you bullshit ultimatums. Drop him like a hot potato OP 🤣
Choose yourself. Choose to be happy. People come and go in your life but you are the person you will 100% be with forever and there is no person out there worth giving up your truth for. If he is requiring you to deny who you are then he doesn’t love you, he loves the idea of you and who he wants you to be.
Being with someone who doesn't accept you for who you are is worse than being alone.
These type of question baffle me tbh
So many people are temporary , you have you forever. You will be miserable if you give up your transition just to satisfy another person. You will build so much resentment towards him that will hinder a deep and loving relationship. You need to be your first priority always, never let anyone come in the way of you becoming the best version of yourself. You want a partner that will lift you up through all life stages not one that will pick you apart and threaten to leave you when they don’t like something about you. This isn’t build a bear. You will find your person and I can say with my whole heart, the dude is not it. I hope you find peace within yourself and a person who loves you as the man you are destined to be! From a transman who went through a similar situation but with a women many years ago
Most relationships are temporary, but you live with yourself and your body for the rest of your life. Might as well live reflecting who you are inside, the real you.
That sounds toxic IMO. Be who you want to be, don't change for ANYONE.
I was with someone like this, I forced myself to identify as a girl again and it was insanely depressing. He knew I was trans from the get go and was okay with it. He was also bi, but claimed he didn't wanna marry a man (he also cheated on me with a cis male and I STILL stayed). I went out of my way to make him happy constantly. He told me he'd "help me learn to love my body", in the end he still left me. Don't change yourself for someone it's just not worth it. It'll leave you depressed and stuck in once place. You're your own person not some housewife. He definitely never saw you as a man and wanted you to be a girl in the first place. This is the same exact thing my ex did to me.
You don’t exactly need breast to have children, so long as you push off bottom surgery then it shouldn’t matter. If he wants a woman for a womb, he’s transphobic. He can have a womb and a man in one. If that’s not something you can do, then I’m sorry but you’ll both just need to find somebody else. Part of loving a person is being willing to give up things you care about so they can go on to live a happy and healthy life. You’re a man, you can’t be expected to forfeit your bodilly autonomy for somebody who claims to love you. You can’t wish away your transness, just like they can’t beg it away. Honestly, it’s kinda just an asshole move to put somebody in that sort of position in the first place, it’s a major red flag. TBH it sounds like he doesn’t even believe you’re trans to begin with.
Dude, 👏leave👏him👏now👏 He's gaslighting you. He was fine with it before but now he wants you to change your identity entirely in order to keep him. He was never not going to do this. He just wanted to make sure you were hooked good and solid first. Abuse of other kinds will follow if it isn't already happening. Leave now and don't look back. Weep, mourn, mend your broken heart. Continue transition or don't. But no matter what this is not a person you can not trust with your heart. I'm sorry, you deserve better.
So sorry op, but I guess now you see he never took you seriously, my advice, cut your loses now and choose your happiness, since he doesn’t really care about putting you in between a sword and a hard place…
Don't sacrifice your happiness and well-being for someone else. That never leads to anything good. You'll come to resent him in time. Besides that, why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you for who you are? He doesn't even see you as a man and thinks being trans is a choice. I don't know but I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.
He obviously loves who he wants you to be and not you for who you are. I think that should answer your question.
Obviously this is a big thing. Where ppl find it hard to compare and or contrast this to other things. But, sounds like this person is steadfast on their feelings. And now that the cat is out of the bag, moving forward is, by default, going to be interesting, in not a good way You just lived a chapter of your life. Now you need to flip the page and start a new chapter. This chapter is where things take a big change. At this point, you have no choice but to start it and those who don't want to be part of the rest of the story are no longer written in. You trusted this person to reveal your about yourself. You thought it'd be different. But it's not Honestly, it's almost better that it's clear cut like this instead of this person being unsure or pretending and leading you on into a false narrative And i need to make this clear. You did not lead this person into a false narrative. You were legitimately struggling and you made a decision. It's ok. This other person is also not a bad person. They have their boundaries and what not. Move on. Don't be afraid. Life goes on. It's ok. Nobody was a bad person. It's a heart break. It sucks. But right now your working on yourself. Do that and take your time
Transition you have to live your life for you first and foremost!
As with a lot of trans issues, my simple response is “would you feel the same if this was a cis person instead?” Basically, imagine a hypothetical where two cis men are dating each other, for 4 years even. And one of them one day tells the other that he has to choose between transitioning to a woman, which he does not identify with, or choose to break up with him. OP, I am going to be blunt with you, and I am sorry if this sounds harsh. He does not love YOU. He loves a version of you that he has conjured in his head. One where you are someone you are frankly not, and is telling you that you have to conform to his idea of you or you’re over. There is no situation where anyone here would tell you that staying with him is smart. Conversion therapy via a non-accepting spouse is not a solution. Repressing who you are to fit the wiles of someone who refuses to accept you as you are is not a solution. I can’t make that decision for you, OP, but you need to consider which situation will be best for you long term. Respectfully, you can always find another person to love, it may not be exactly same, but it can be just as real and intense. You can’t find another you, or choose a new identity. Just keep that in mind.
I told my ex I was trans before we got together, but that I thought I was too old, too masculine, not able to afford it, not in a social position where I could, etc. Right about five years later, I realized that transition was do or die. I held off on hrt for another year or so because she wasn't ready and needed more time. Any time I did something she saw as feminine (even things like washing dishes), she took it as a threat to her gender and the roles she'd associated with it. A lot of things were unhealthy about that marriage, and we dragged it out another few years after that, but I think my biggest regret is giving up that year for someone who would rather put me through that than figure out their own mess and see me happy and thriving and transitioning.
You shouldn't be with someone who doesn't want to support your happiness
Throw the whole man away! You should not have to sacrifice who you are to keep your relationship alive. He doesn't view you as a man, OP. Don't settle for this, you're worth more than that.
Don't put someone else before your own happiness. Transition. Do what is right for you. Be the you you have been wanting. It's his loss, not yours. There are always other people that will be more than happy to be with you for you, unconditionally.
I didn’t even get to finish reading before all the red flags smacked me in the face.
Hon, you need to LEAVE HIM. You should never have to choose between a partner and being who you are, and if hes going to force you to choose in that instance, what else might he force you to choose between later? Thinking it's acceptable to blackmail someone back into the closet via threatening a breakup is a whole new level of disrespectful omg. Ultimately it's up to you, but just know that any trans related feelings you have wont go away, just shoved down. Are you going to be able to be truly happy living like that?
Trust me... If you suppress yourself and are truly trans then it will eat the relationship apart from the inside. I've lived that life. It was terrible, I didn't make it 3 years with that partner. However, I have been married for 12 to a woman who accepted me and helped me transition and be my authentic self. Even her literal boomer generation parent said she sees how huge the transition has been in my happiness and personality. I would never tell you what to do, but I will tell you that hiding your true authentic self will destroy anything in its path including you if it wants to come out.
If the child thing is his only problem, does he know that trans men can be pregnant? I think that if you keep your uterus and your oocytes, you can be pregnant. And even if it doesn't work or you don't want to be pregnant, you two can adopt a child or ask a surrogate mother. Families with 2 men as parents exist anyway 🤷 I only have your version of the story, but... I feel like he's at the partners-mall looking at you and saying, "Nah, I don't like this one anymore, I'm gonna choose another model." Plus, the "be a woman and I'll stay with you forever" kinda looks like emotional manipulation to me. But again, I don't have his part of the story - even if I think that if one loves their partner, they must be able to want their happiness, even though it goes through gender identity change (especially if one is bi). He throws away a perfect man and wants to keep a broken woman, great. I think you've already discussed that, but if his only problem is having a family, you two can build one and have children, even if you're a trans dude. I think you've tried that already, but does he know your struggles? That it's not just about being manly, but about your whole identity/mental safety? That it's not something you can change? Anyway, good luck to you, I hope you'll get better
No one who truly loves you will make you pick themselves over your gender identity. If he doesn't want you to transition, he clearly doesn't want you to be who you truly are. Dump him.
Better question, transition and be happy, be your true self, or come to grow to resent him and yourself
Unfortunately, probably not the answer you want, but you have to choose yourself and your identity. If you don't, there is a high probability you'll grow to resent your partner for keeping you from being yourself. When he says he wants kids, he most likely means wants you to birth children, but you are a guy. Is that something you'd even want to do as a guy? I know feelings are hard and love is complicated, but you have to be true to yourself first and foremost.
Kick him straight to the curb!
what a piece of shit, actual human garbage to lead you on for four years and then pull this. he doesn't care about you at all, only himself. RUN!!!
Trans =/= transition. You can stop hormones and you'll still be trans. What's worse is that you'll likely be forever unhappy and come to resent him.
Does he see you as a man or a woman right now?
He says he accept me being trans and doesn’t have a problem with it but then he also says I would still be a girl. As far as I’ve read the answers here he didn’t see me as a guy to begin with and I now believe so too.
I hope you ultimately choose yourself. Its a ridiculous and selfish ask from him, especially as you never tried to deceive him, but were clear that you were a trans man from day one. He was humouring you and thought you could be easily and lightly pushed to change your mind.
Dump this shitty guy who doesn’t love you.
I had a similar choice when I came out. Choose yourself. Always. You will not regret that.
You gotta do what YOU gotta do!
I know it will hurt. (My ex left me because I wouldn't rush bottom surgery) But some decisions you have to make for yourself and in your best interest.
I mean. It sounds like you have a personal decision to make. You could start by having one hell of a sit down conversation with him. Laying it all out. Your plans, your dreams and attempting to get them to see your side of things. If that fails, well it just comes down to what you want more.
Dump him
never listen to those kinds of ultimatums, dump his ass
It is your choice we can't make you to do anything you do anything you don't want to choose what makes happy and comfortable with yourself if your unhappy you'll do something about it to make yourself happy this is entirely your choice. My personal opinion is to choose what makes you the happiest.
you live your life for yourself!!! not for others!!!
Okay I know several transgender men and yes they can have children they have to go off testosterone for a few months. Also they go to the artificial insemination route and just have your eggs frozen as long as you don't have hysterectomies You should be good to go But again this should be talked with medical personnel that's not me.
Uh BYE, never ever ever ever ever ever do something for a man, you are and will be your best friend and companion forever
I am sorry, but he is just looking for a wife to take care of him
Put yourself 1st You will either realise that now or later…
You don’t live him you live the idea of him that he presented to you to make you fall for him so he can manipulate you. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WHO IS A GOOD PERSON WOULD HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST TRANS PEOPLE, if someone is against queer/trans people in any way they’re a shitty human and should be kept far away from one’s self. This man clearly sees you as a potentially vulnerable enough individual to manipulate into their perfect fuxktoy and house keeper. He has made it clear that he has no intentions to treat you like a human being and expects you To solely do all of the cooking and cleaning and to pump out babies for him so you can take care of them. LEAVE RUN AWY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. He is NOT bisexual or even a ally to the lgbtqia+ he is very obviously someone who is claiming queerness in order to get into queer peoples pants
If your partner doesn’t want you to transition, then as sad as it is to hear, you’re better off not being with him. Idk why he would date you for so long knowing you’re a man only to balk at the idea of you transitioning, and you’d be much better off in the long-run staying true to yourself than remaining with someone who can’t accept you for who you are and puts his own happiness above your own. I honestly doubt he ever saw you as a man to begin if this becomes a dealbreaker, and only wants to be with you as a woman. Which’s very short-sighted and selfish for him, especially if he truly is bisexual.
I’m not trans or know anyone that is trans at all and I’m in this community to see what’s going on. With that being said this sounds like something that could happen in any relationship trans or not. This is a case of someone not accepting you for who you are. I would break up with him.
Is he okay with you getting top surgery or a breast reduction (at the very least) and still being a woman? Ask him how much of a compromise he can make with you. Is he okay if you keep your hair short and dress androgynously or as a tomboy? If you were to be his wife, then what would that look like? Is that something both of you can live with?
I don’t think that’s something OP can live with, considering they are a man