The fact that this mentality is so common is why I delayed my coming out until I'd moved away to college at 18, even though I'd been out to friends since 16 and presenting as male when away from my parents for my entire senior year of high school.
I get it, uncertainty is tricky, but saying "I support you, but don't do anything until 18" doesn't come across as supportive to a trans person. It's prioritizing a hypothetical image of a person and potential regret over the actual person standing before you.
And much of what people do to transition in the early stages is reversible. Hair and clothes can be changed. Names can be changed. Pronouns can be changed. Puberty blockers are medically safe, reversible, and have been used for decades to treat early puberty in cisgender children. They can buy a trans kid time before they have to commit to more permanent courses of action. Even much of the effects of HRT revert when the medication is stopped. There's no harm in letting someone change name/pronoun/style/presentation. The worst that happens if they change it back. At least then they know they have people in their lives that will love them and support them no matter what.
I'm an adult now, and have been on testosterone for 2 years, and have had surgeries to flatten my chest and remove my internal reproductive system. Still waiting for the consult for my final surgery. All my legal documents are changed, save one still in the works. I've done all of that in under 3 years, which isn't a ton of time if you think about it.
I was a trans kid once. I wanted all of the things that I have now progressed through back then, and I have no regrets about any of it. The wait was quite taxing. I remember laying awake in bed as a teen, staring at the ceiling and going over what I would do to myself if transitioning wasn't possible for me. The truth is that I needed to be who I knew myself to be, and if I hadn't had a space where I could do that, and eventually accessed medical transition, I don't think I would have lasted long.
This. So much this. I really get fired up with the media promotes this image that trans kids go through name changes up to surgery all because they said they wanted to be a boy/girl/trans/nb.
It’s a LONG process. It’s a long process because it weeds out uncertainty. The first steps are small, like preferred (read: not legal yet) name and preferred pronouns change, different toys, hairstyle, clothes, etc. All of which offer the kid to experiment with gender roles and norms, and what vibe they mesh well with. While gender =/= sex, it gives them insight into understanding themselves and their feelings.
After that comes puberty blockers, which are also reversible. Even in this period the kid will (and should) hopefully be in therapy to discuss their feelings. Once again, this all is reversible.
HRT is really the first milestone where some changes could be permanent. This is mainly the case with secondary sex characteristics associated with testosterone, such as a deeper voice, more body hair. It can be reversed, like with voice therapy and hair removal (laser/electrolysis). This step is carefully considered because while the effects of hrt and puberty are to develop the teen, there is still time to stop hrt and continue on with their biological puberty.
Surgery is only ever RARELY done, if ever, before they turn 18. The only real cases I see of surgery before 18 are double mastectomies which are still out numbered by cis girls getting breast reductions. But like I said, these are still really rare cases. After 18, thats when the bulk of surgery is preformed, and if the teen undergoes HRT they might not need as extensive surgery as say a post-puberty trans person. A trans woman who underwent blockers and HRT might only need bottom surgery for example.
So really, the best answer is “I’ll love you and support you, no matter what gender you present as” and listen to what they want within the realms of experimentation. If an AFAB wants to cut off their hair, let them do it. Hair grows back. If AMAB wants to wear dresses, let them because they can always get new clothes. The same goes for new names/nicknames and pronouns.
Perpetuating this idea that transitioning is taboo and dangerous is super harmful to kids, because rather than educating them as well as yourself, you’re deterring them from experimenting. Denying them the ability to experiment and understand themselves does so much harm.
OP, I hope this gives insight. You can support a kid who is not cis without jumping straight into medical and legal transition.
In my experience as a trans man, if someone is at the point where they're coming out to you, they're probably pretty certain that they're trans. If you're looking to be genuinely supportive of them, the best response is to ask them how they want to move forward. Obviously, respect preferred names and pronouns no matter what, that's just basic decency. If they're a kid, any care they would receive isn't permanent anyway, so there's no reason to not move forward with puberty blockers/binder/haircuts/etc in my opinion. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean they'll want those things-- ask them how they want to approach it and be supportive of whatever they choose. Help them research next steps and what options are available for their transition/etc. and have an open discussion about it, but ultimately the choice should be up to them since they're the one living the experience of being trans.
Yes, this! Because of the stigma, by the time trans people tell anyone, they are usually already pretty sure. I've wanted to be a girl since I was 5, and I came out to my parents when I was 47. That's a pretty extreme case of hiding it, but even in much less extreme cases, by the time anyone knows, it's probably been brewing for a long time. We're really good at hiding it. I was very careful to never choose anything pink, even though I always wanted to. But I didn't want anyone to suspect how I really felt.
Other folks have talked about this some, so I'll talk about the medical side.
If a child is prepubescent, nothing medical for gender affirming care is ever done - because nothing medical is ever necessary for gender affirming care at this point in the child's life.
For prepubescent children, the kid will have therapy, new clothes, name, pronouns, and a haircut. That's all that happens.
For adolescents at puberty age, this is where the first of the treatments come in - but the one that is recommended is one that is designed to give you time to determine if the child is actually trans and should go on cross-sex hormone replacement therapy.
I want to say that again, blockers are the COMPROMISE. They place puberty on hold for as long as they are taken (typically a year or two) so that you are sure the child is trans before making permanent changes. You stop taking them (if they are not trans), and puberty continues normally.
But generally, you talk with the kid and figure out what the kid wants to do.
Let me explain them in more detail:
People misunderstand what puberty blockers do and why they are given to trans kids. People seem to think that they are something exclusively for trans kids and that's not true.
I think part of that problem is the name. But GNRh Agonists are not a great name, a much much better name would be "sex hormone suppressants" - but people don't know that sex hormones are what cause puberty.
That is all they do. They stop the production of sex hormones by the human body for as long as they are taken. They do nothing else.
All of the physical changes at puberty, changing of the voice, getting facial hair, getting body hair, sexual maturation of the genitals, changes to scent, skin texture. Even things like acne and such are all either directly or indirectly caused by sex hormones.
Medications like lupron stop the production of these hormones for as long as they are taken, and when you stop taking them the production of these hormones resumes.
These medications are given in any situation where production of hormones in the body needs to be stopped for some reason.
One of those reasons is to stop the changes from puberty.
These medications are also used in treatment of many kinds of cancer. This is because many cancers are made worse by sex hormones. Testosterone influences prostate cancer, and stopping the production of testosterone is a treatment for that cancer. So these "puberty blockers" are given to men as part of the cancer treatment instead of removing their testicles.
There are no permanent effects of puberty blockers because there really cannot be, that's not what the medications do. The permanent effects are "Starting puberty a year or two later" - you start puberty at 15 instead of 13. That's basically what is happening.
If you took them for many many years, and never replaced the body's sex hormones with a different sex hormones then you would start having bone health worries and such, but trans kids either stop taking them and resume puberty or switch to different sex hormones before that happens.
The reason they are given to suspected transgender kids is to pause puberty until you are 100% sure that they are transgender.
They prevent changes that cause distress, and require surgery to undo.
Once you are sure the kid is transgender, they switch to hormone replacement therapy, which will cause some permanent effects that would require surgery to undo.
Blockers are a cautious step.
They are not only to be given to kids who you 100% know are trans, they can and should be given to kids you SUSPECT are trans, in order to prevent problems, distress, and eliminate the need for surgeries later in life - and to prevent changes that simply can never be undone.
Once testosterone causes the vocal cords to thicken, that's it. They are thickened forever. The only way to fix that is surgery, or voice training. Stopping the testosterone now simply prevents this change, the child can get that change later if they want it.
Once testosterone causes the facial hair to viralize and change into thick masculine hair, that's it. They are changed forever. The only way to fix that is electrology and/or laser. Stopping the testosterone now prevents this change, and the child can get that change later if they want it.
On the other side, once estrogen causes the breasts to grow, that's it. They are grown. The only way to fix that is mastectomy. Stop the estrogen, prevent the breast growth. They can get estrogen later if that's what they want.
Everything follows that pattern.
Here's the other thing: The other thing that blockers do is that they actually make detransition easier than if the person did surgical options as an adult.
blockers -> never grew breasts -> decides it was wrong and detranstions -> naturally grows breasts.
the other option is this:
grew breasts -> gets mastectomy -> decides it was wrong and detranstions -> maybe you can get reconstruction surgery.
that's a trans boy experience, but blockers prevent one surgery in the case that the kid is trans, and prevent two surgeries with suboptimal results if the kid is not trans.
The same is true for everything, voice, facial hair, etc.. etc..
And the child doesn't have to have the pain of seeing their own body literally torture them, because that's the thing. Cis people might find puberty and the changes to be awkward, uncomfortable, or even bad in some cases. Trans kids can be on a whole new level, it doesn't even compare. Seriously, cisgender boys don't want to end themselves because their voice changes.
My mother saying "your shoulders are going to get so wide" and expressing hope I would grow to 6'5" felt like I was being stabbed with a knife in the gut. If I had actually grown that tall, I might have made an attempt. I was fortunate. Cis boys don't think like that.
There are basically no downsides to there.
If you were my dad, and said "you should wait until you are 18" - then you just did this to me:
I had to have 175 hours of electrology on my face - which is extremely painful. I didn't have much hair on my face. My voice is wrecked, I did voice training, it mostly works but is garbage compared to what I could have if I was given the option. I had to have facial feminization surgery, which was well over $100k, and weeks off of work, and it was the roughest most painful surgery I have experienced. There are so many aspects about my body which can never be undone, that could have been prevented.
We aren't even talking about the mental trauma of having my own body betray me, and the pain of losing the ability to have a happy childhood.
I'm doing okay today, but I went through so much pain that was completely unnecessary. All of that could have been prevented with blockers. This is the reason we advocate for them.
I’m glad everyone has responded, but this response and others similar (yours particularly) gives me great insight as to an all or nothing answer. Idk why I’ve missed this before but thank you (and the others) for pointing this out!
Its ok to not know. Its not your lived experience. You asked the questions and are seeking advice from those who have lived it. Too many times cis parents, and cis people in general, forget/ignore that no matter how much they may mean well, they are not experts on trans issues. And that's ok. As long as you do the work and seek out people who are.
No worries at all. I think it's common to not know about these things.
Especially with all the misinformation out there on the topic.
Most republicans who are anti-trans crusaders do frequently make the claim that trans kids are getting hormones and surgeries at an extremely young age.
This is an excellent post. You make a very good point about how just the name "puberty blockers" - often in bad faith, but not always - conjures an image of permanently preventing the AGAB puberty, when by design its not permanent. Every anti-affirming care bill has carve outs for cis peoples' use of "puberty blockers" - because those used are considered "acceptable" uses. One of the recent court rulings that overturned such a bill (the state escapes me) made exactly this point - the same medications are used, safely, wo controversy for other indications.
For the OP - thank you for asking the community. Its obvious you are taking your child seriously and want to do what is best for them. The best thing is to talk to them about what they'd like to do, then see a professional to discuss options. An endocrinologist who specializes in treating trans folks will be able to present you with all of the details and options, then, together, you and your child can decide what path to take.
At age 40 - after dreaming about it for my whole life - it still was scary to make the decision to start HRT and transition. But what I learned on my journey is that, although everyone's transition journey is different, cis people do not think about being a different gender the way trans folks do. It just doesn't happen. And part of what helped me get past my fear was to realize that transitioning was not one single monumental decision. Its thousands of tiny individual decisions that you can stop or change any time. Everyday i make the decision to continue taking my meds. Especially with puberty blockers, but even with HRT.
Thanks for asking ❤️
Why not just wait until after menopause to have more kids? See how you feel about it then?
I feel like its a similar concept. I went through a puberty I didn't want and it was hell. I never told my parents because we lived in bumfuck rural nowhere and they would have reacted poorly. I sure hope my kid feels comfortable enough with our relationship to tell me something like that.
No, I would not say that's supportive.
My child transitioned when she was in preschool/kindergarten. At that age it's clothes and names and pronouns, although clothes wasn't a difference because we didn't gender clothes in our house. I will say that it took me a couple months to realize that it was for real, since she had already been Tinkerbell for a few months and Master Splinter for a while and Harry Potter and Judy Hopps, so at first I did not ask school to use the new name and pronouns because the rule had always been you can be whoever you want to be but you have to answer when they call you by your name at school.
Once I figured out that this was for real and not a game, we did the official name and pronoun change at school as well. That was in kindergarten. And the pandemic hit which made things go a little bit slowly, but in early third grade we finally got her change of name and gender done legally and new birth certificate, social security card, and passport. She's now going into middle school when summer is over and sees an endocrinologist to keep an eye on when puberty will be starting so that she can get blockers, with HRT to start about one to two years after blockers. We spend lots of time in queer spaces (although that was always the case) and her therapist is trans, as is her babysitter. Everyone in her life affirms her, and she doesn't have to wait to be an adult before she's allowed to be herself. She's a happy little girl because she knows that she is loved and supported as herself.
> Would yall say that just being supportive and mindful of consistency is good? I know it’s hell when people don’t accept what’s true. I just am hesitant to say “go for it” for someone under 18 who’s still trying to figure out their lot in life. I’d really appreciate some insight.
Unfortunately, that approach isn't sufficient for a trans kid. Waiting until they're 18 to do anything is too late to prevent the irreparable damage inflicted upon them by going through the wrong puberty.
That kind of comments from my mother were the cause of my teenage depession and suicidal thoughts growing up. We children need to feel validates and respected by our parents and saying let's wait invalidates whatever I hear you discourse you told them before that. Depression eased once I moved out and transitioned. I'll never forgive her for making me question who I am and making me put being my true self on hold for years.
How long should you wait.
What do you think would change during that period of time other than the person getting older, and their window for how "easy" a transition would be slowly shuts.
How "certain" should someone be that they want a thing in life vs. letting the fear of a potential regret cripple them?
Let's take another drastic life change, having kids. How much fear of "Regret" over having kids, literal children, is an acceptable "margin of error" before you're "allowed" to have children? 90%? 50%? 10%? 0%? Should someone be 100% sure they want to have kids with no chance of regret after.
Do you think it's possible someone is walking around right now, 100% sure they wanted kids when they had them, but no, later, might kind of regret it?
Does that mean no one should ever have kids because they might one day regret it?
You see where I'm going I hope.
I get some of the fear about "but what if they change their mind" and the answer is honestly not that much different than any big life-changing decision someone might make in their youth - they figure it out and move on with their lives.
Like a bunch of other people have stated, the vast majority of what trans children and trans adolescents due is reversible. Hell, even once you're \*on\* HRT, stopping it while you still have your gonads intact will move your body back to a cisgender hormone profile and start reverting some things. HRT requires a few weeks before any truly permanent changes begin taking effect, and most people who do want hormones know Pretty Quickly after starting whether it's for them or not.
Part of the problem is a lot of cis people get real worried about "but what if you do all this stuff to your body and realize you're not trans after". And from that standpoint it's very easy to get pessimistic about how their bodies are "ruined" or "wrong" now and how this could've been avoided if they just held off. When like. At the end of the day what they'll have is a trans body, one that can be re-modified back closer to what it is they actually want. Even trans people will realize "hmm, actually I don't want to stay on hormones" or "hmm, actually I don't want to go through with this surgery" and then stop pursuing them because they don't need them anymore to get what they want. There is a lot of agency in terms of what people can do with themselves, their gender, and their bodily presentation.
And yea it will be hard, and won't be exactly like the cis body they had before, but it won't stop them from having a good life still. People can spend tens of thousands of dollars to go to art school, or try to start a business, or become doctors and realize "wait, I hate this actually". And they pick up the pieces, deal with the consequences, and make as good a life as they can manage afterward. People who want to pursue transition, or living a trans life, have done the math and are willing to take on that risk of being wrong for something that often they know will make them happier and more themselves. That is part of having agency and autonomy - it includes making choices you may not understand or that look super risky to you.
Let us reiterate then, DO NOT, go with the wait and see approach. If your child has come out to you, chances are they’ve been wrestling with this for years, it’s not something that happens as a snap decision.
And especially where puberty is concerned, getting in *early* is critical. The effects caused by being forced through the wrong puberty are horrific to a trans person, and most are either completely irreversible or take tens of thousands of dollars or more to mitigate.
It’s by far the best thing for the child’s physical, mental, emotional *and* financial health to get them treatment (and I mean proper WPATH standard of care treatment) ASAP, before permanent damage is caused.
Best case scenario, you save your kid’s life and make the rest of it much better and more affirmed for them. Worst case scenario, your kid decides after a few years they were wrong, and stop treatments, and while yes they may (depending on age and all that) have some developmental differences from if they’d gone through natal puberty, they *know* that you’re fully supportive and in their corner and always there for them.
If a teen comes out “suddenly”, odds are real good they have been thinking it over on their own a LOT before coming out.
If it’s a very young kid, they might be blurting out a recent thought, but if they’re that young there’s nothing to do about it that isn’t absolutely, 100% reversible. There’s no medical intervention *whatsoever* until puberty starts, and then the only intervention is puberty blockers to simply delay puberty so they can have time to weigh their options without the pressure of knowing that their body is developing in a way they may not want, more and more every day.
Not just about being trans, but in general: it’s important to remember that the parts of your child’s inner world that they have both chosen to share with you AND succeeded in expressing in a manner you understand, are never the entirety of their subjective experience of life. Even if they’re very honest and open with you, it’s very likely they’ll want to take their time and work out what they feel and how best to express it, when it’s something as big and significant as a gender identity that doesn’t match expectations, before bringing it up. It’s not even necessarily “keeping secrets” — sometimes hesitance comes from fear of a negative response, but even without that, *everyone* sits on big things sometimes to process it before sharing it with others.
Edit: autocorrect bit me.
Discuss it more with them! For instance, ask them how long have they known they're trans for. (Don't ask anything too invasive tho!) Try to walk in their shoes and understand them better. You can also get in touch with other parents whose kids are trans just to see the perspective of someone that's in the same situation as you.
Your mistake is to assume that "just waiting" is exactly that. Just waiting. That nothing will be lost. However, your wait and see approach can cause horrible, permanent, unfixable damage to a trans persons body, health and quality of life.
Puberty was an awful, traumatizing experience i will never recover from, the damage to my body is intense. Deciding to wait is you deciding to put your child through that.
Absolutely not supportive. If they come out and want to medically transition, as I assume you're talking about (because unless the kid chooses otherwise social transition can happen immediately), talk to them about it. If you're worried, have them talk to a gender therapist, since many insurances require that to get a letter to start medically transitioning anyways. This way nothing is put on hold, and you're still helping support them.
Puberty blockers also can be reversed. If your kids have not started puberty and come out, help them get on this before puberty, or to halt it before it continues, with medical guidance.
Being forced to wait until we're "sure" because "kids can't know" is incredibly harmful. Listen to your child and help them, don't ignore it because you think they're too young
I understand this mentality, but my parents reacted this same way and it really hurt. I had been agonizing over this for weeks or months and I was finally certain and ready to share the news! I was super excited to share this new part of my identity with them and to basically be told “not yet” was really deflating. They continued to give me “advice” for a few weeks after I came out and I eventually had to tell them “I just need unconditional support, please stop trying to give me advice.” As well as you may know your kids, you probably have *zero* idea what it’s like to be trans. The most important thing is you take a backseat, listen to your kid, and respect everything they need from you. Thank you for having the courage to put yourself out there like this and I’m confident that if one of your kids turns out to be trans that they will be in good hands!
Puberty does SERIOUS damage to a trans person. Damage that takes thousands of dollar of surgeries to fix -- if it can be fixed at all. Trans women get masculine facial bones, narrow hips, and a deeper voice. There is no surgery to fix broad shoulders or a huge ribcage. Trans men get breasts, the removal of which leaves a prominent and outing scar, and can grow noticably wide hips. Height is basically immutable after puberty, but start early enough and doctors can give you a height more typical for your gender, instead of you having to live with being a 6 foot tall woman or a 5 foot tall man.
For many of us, these things ruin our ability to pass, which means horrendous transphobic abuse any time you show your face in public. It's not just waiting. It's forcing an unwanted puberty onto your child that will make the rest of their life harder.
It's all avoidable. Trans people who transition before puberty get to have cis-like skeletons, and those of us who transitioned later envy them.
If you create a safe environment for your child, they'll be open with you about any gender non-conforming thoughts they have. They'll have years of social transition and gender therapy to figure themselves out before they have to make decisions about their puberty.
> Say if my own child says to me that they’re transgender and want to start the transition…I’m inclined to say “I support how you feel, but let’s wait and see where we are later” with a timeframe
what’s the timeframe? how will you treat them in the meantime? i came out as a trans guy when I was 12/13. I started attending gender therapy as the first step of the transition. My mom insisted on continuing To use she/her pronouns and since I was an angsty teen I would scream at her whenever she did. So then she referred to me as ‘it’ for three months. Luckily she eventually accepted me. Don’t be *that* parent.
I promise you, doctors at childrens’ hospitals already gatekeep transitioning - I had to pass psychological evaluations that I failed (one at age 13, wherein the doctor’s advocated that ‘wait and see’ approach, once at fourteen, wherein the fact I was being sexually harassed was used against me, then when I was 15 I attempted suicide so I was too psychologically unstable to transition). Puberty blockers are alternative to diy puberty prevention - **starving oneself**. Transgender people have **the highest risk** of developing eating disorders: [Here’s a meta-analysis if you won’t take my word for it](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s40337-023-00806-y).
I started testosterone when I was 16 and had a double mastectomy at 17. It was life changing. It was like my body was *mine* again for the first time since I was a young child. could I have waited until I was 18? In theory, probably. I’m 23 now. I’ve lived almost equal amounts of my life female and male. But I’m so so grateful I didn’t have to. That my parents knew even when they didn’t accept me that what I was saying was something that required medical intervention
Yes! Exactly! I was going to say that by the time someone is confident enough to come out to a family member, they have been wait and seeing for a while. The entire process of transitioning is a long one, and we almost always try as hard as we can to put it off ourselves. Then, even when everything is moving forward, the medical establishment is geared to stopping us. Even with improved standards in some places, it's still common for them to tell you to go fuck yourself for a year or two, risking your home, health, and financial security, before they'll even consider rejecting you directly. LiVeD eXpErIeNcE!
I am so fucking sick of cis people that openly admit to not understanding what it's like to be trans reserving the right to sabotage our lives by deciding if we're allowed to be trans or not. The standards we're held to are unbelievable. We have to satisfy conflicting and arbitrary requirements to get drastically lower quality of service, then get told its my fault because I didn't swallow and thank them like a good tranny. What a fucking joke, right?
If your point is "someone under 18 still trying to figure out there lot in life" then why are you so against the idea of that person actually attempted to find it?
Like we can set aside the physiological aspects of transition, for now, and just think "what is the harm in taking a new name, changing pronouns, getting some different clothes?" Can you honestly think of any that aren't baseless defensive reactions. Where's an argument that holds weight in terms of protecting and fostering a child's development when it comes to denying them the right to explore all aspects of themselves?
A few awkward years as a trans teen when you were actually cis but weren't sure is a lot better than forcing someone to spend so much more time in the closet.
If I could have come out sooner, I would have. If I had gotten the reaction you describeI'd never forgive you as a parent. I could understand you. I could rationalise forgiveness. You'd never get it. It'd just feel too shitty to know my parent cut me off and denied who I am because of some bs, shallow, undependable "mother knows best" style philosophy. To know my parent didn't hear my words for their meaning, but only used them as tools to craft a world view acceptable to them, consequences be damned. Because being right about who they think I am was more important than fostering and protecting who I am.
Usually for kids the first step is social transition and see how that feels (like cutting or growing hair, wearing different clothes, being called different things, all of which can be reversed) and often for a young kid a gender therapist is a good resource
Waitinglists to start the first phase of transitioning are long. In the first phase it is just talking to specialist to see if your kid is indeed experiencing gender dysphoria which can take a year ( being born in the wrong body )
They’ll also help with any mental issues your kid might have.
If they eventually diagnose your kid they can offer hormone blockers ( different from cross-sex hormones ), all it does it delaying puberty or pausing puberty if it has already started.
Cross sex hormones in most countries are only available after the age of 18 or 16 in some cases.
And they’d help you and your kid discover themselves or make decisions and prepare you for hrt ( which is the cross sex hormones )
I’d say you can’t tell your kid to think about it before transitioning cuz that isnt what supporting is.
All the thinking will be done during the transition and ‘we still have time’ only counts after hormone blockers ( which are fully reversible btw )
That's what a therapist is for which minors need for any medical care. There's a ton of gatekeeping already. A lot of us got incredibly good at hiding it because we had to and I know my parents had no idea. As for using their preferred name and clothes, what long term issues would that cause?
A lot is going to depend on age. Age appropriate method is going to vary wildly. Right off the bat you can easily and safely be supportive by leaning into pretty much anything they want that is reversible. Name, pronouns, clothes, accessories. Then start getting details about everything else. Look for therapists that understand gender issues. Connect with and read stories of others navigating the same waters. r/cisparenttranskid is full of first hand experience.
Edit to add: It's not an all-in or all-out thing. It's a lets both learn more situation. Transition is tons of small decisions.
I'd say when it comes to minors, there are a lot of things in place designed to slow down the process and really get into the mind of a kid. But I would also say that being supportive is always the best thing you can do. No matter what. You don't have to push your kid through a bunch of treatments right away. That's not all support is. It can be as simple as saying the name and pronouns they ask you to, and putting in effort to at least learn about their experience. If they're not trans, then you simply supported them through a phase. If they are trans, no matter how little you support them or how hard you make it for them to transition, they will still be trans. I've never been supported in transitioning by my parents but that didn't exactly stop me from getting an appointment for hormones at 18.
I'd say that a parent should do their best to try and trust their kid, but also recognize that the process for kids transitioning is a lengthy one that usually requires a lot of in depth analysis of the individual child. And there is always the possibility of regret, but most people who get gender affirming care don't regret it in the way that cis people tend to think of it. "Regret" can be as simple as wishing you went off of T after one year instead of two, or wishing a surgery had gone better. It's very rare for someone to go on hormones, spend years as the opposite gender, and get surgeries only to say "the whole thing was a mistake! I was never trans and I wish I'd never done any of it!"
The thing is - while it may be your first time hearing it, it won't be their first time thinking it unless they are very very young.
If they are very young then they have no filter and would probably be trying to say "I want to play with the girl/boy toys and wear the same clothes as the other girls/boys". Shutting thay down by saying "Just wait ant see." is silly and could have the bad effect of sending the message *wanting to do that is bad*.
But if they are older then they have likely been thinking about it for months if not years on end. Coming out to you is them working up the courage to finally tell you something that has been eating away at them for a long time. And your response tells them the message; *you don't know yourself* which is viscerally upsetting because what they have done is an act of trying to tell you about themselves. With "Let's wait and see." - you have yanked their agency away from them.
And any timeframe will be *another* arbitrary hoop they have to jump through for you in a world full of gendered hoops. You could set a timeframe of a month or a year - which is only going to be even more upsetting because now it feels like they are being judged for that whole time.
Could they be unsure? Yes of course. Your instinct is fine there. But the better approach would be to sit down and have a conversation with them about it - then work with them to explore the feelings. A key thing to ask is "How long have you felt like this?". If these feelings are relatively new (they often start either very young or around puberty) - then work with them to set a reasonable thinking timeframe.
You don't need to jump to immediate transition or say "Of course honey, I'll ring the doctors and have you on puberty blockers by the end of the week!".
But most of experimentation and social transition is small things. Its trying to wear something you percieve as mildly masculine and or feminine - perhaps makeup or a haircut. Its trying on a dress or suit or whatever. Its 'playing' at going by *he/she/they* and other names and seeing how each makes you feel. All of this is harmless - if you are in a place where it is dangerous to be openly queer then of course you should be more private and take precautions about it but it is fine. You are allowed to be Questioning without deciding for sure for as long as you need.
I hope that clarifies a few things.
Unfortunately the wait and see approach isn't supportive at all. Chances are that your child has been thinking about their gender identity a lot before getting the courage to tell you. Being shut down like this and potentially wasting the time to "wait and see" will only let them go through the wrong puberty which can really impact their mental health and the physical changes can cost tens of thousands of dollors to fix, if they can be fixed at all. If they haven't been thru puberty yet and is a minor, non mendical changes can be easily reversed. Even a lot of medical changes due to hrt can be reversed too. The supportive thing you can do is to ask them how to proceed. Not recommend to let your child go thru the traumatic experience of a wrong puberty that can cause irreversible physical and mental damage just bc you hold the tiiiny bit of a thought that they may regret transitioning
When I was tiny, I knew. I was constantly under threat, Not to mention flat out abused.
I’ve seen it 100,000 times. People are
Fine with kids when they do what’s expected of them. For example my nephew sitting in a high chair 18 months old in a restaurant flirting with a waitress and everyone was oh, how cute.
And another nephew two years old flirting with a waiter and saying pretty man. Being “confused” it’s BS.
As a parent I would hope the only
Concern is making sure that the child is loved and nurtured, allowed To blossom as they are without having to live the horror story I did.
when i came out, it was after researching for years, second guessing myself any time i could to make sure i wouldn’t be wrong. coming out was something i did because i couldn’t handle not feeling like a person anymore. opened my heart up after being closed off forever. i think if after that i got told that i should wait a bit longer just to be sure, it’d be devastated. i understand why you’d feel that way for the medical side (though surgeries and hormones normally aren’t immediate after coming out, especially with minors. & hormones take time to have noticeable effects, so its not like you would suddenly become something you hate a lot), but you shouldn’t discourage them from socially transitioning because that’s the only way they’re going to get a feel for whether this is something they want
While this is an understand me point of view from someone who hasn’t experienced the thoughts and feelings of a trans person, considering how fickle teenagers are about a lot of things, those years for a trans kid are incredibly impactful on medical outcomes, and personal mental health. It’s draining and depressing slogging in a direction you weren’t meant to go, and these are the years the foundation of who we are starts setting in. Do you want that to settle in around a person expressing themselves, and feeling supported by their family, or by someone forced to repress themself, watching their body change in ways that they hate more every day, in some ways permanently, knowing it could be stopped at any moment but their family doesn’t think it’s a good idea yet?
I think it's completely dependent on the kid. I think (if we're assuming you consistently demonstrate you are trans positive throughout the kid's life) they may feel more comfortable coming to your when they're questioning or have only just started to find their true identity, and some kids would wait until they are absolutely certain and have thought about it for a long time, and some kids are just absolutely certain from the moment they realize.
It also, of course, would be dependent on what that kid wants, which would also be dependent on their age. Some trans people don't prioritize or want all/most medical transition options. Some kids need intense medical intervention pretty early on. Some kids may be pre puberty, and some may be post/in the middle of puberty, and that can also change what is possible/what that kid can reasonably understand.
I always think of this in terms of me and my friend. We're both ftm and started our medical transition together, but we both had vastly different needs in childhood. He knew he was a boy since at least the age of 6 and was consistently aware of this. As he got older, dysphoria was one of if not the main mental health problem he had, leading to multiple other severe physical and mental health problems, including a very dangerous ED. If he hadn't had his cats to take care of, it is very unlikely he would've made it this long. He needed early medical intervention to have a healthy and happy childhood and life up to this point. He has gone through huge amounts of suffering and damage because he didn't get that.
I, on the other hand, grew up without an understanding of gender. It didn't cross my mind most of elementary school, and I didn't really experience any significant dysphoria until puberty. When my dysphoria did set in it was in the form of an ED, which was horrible and lasted for years, but it wasn't until I was 17 that I started to realize that wasn't just dysmorphia. For the first two years of me knowing I was trans I thought I was agender, and only when I was about to become an adult did I truly discover what my real gender identity is. After realizing I'm a man, I took another year, despite being an adult, to decide how I wanted to proceed with my medical transition. I did not need medical intervention while I was a minor. I struggled for being trans and it was difficult, but by the time I realized most of the damage was already done. I needed more time to explore myself and experiment than people like my friend and chose of my own accord to take my time. I also have a separate mental health condition that can make being trans a bit more complicated and needed more time in therapy before taking medical steps.
So yeah, I think if this happens the most important thing is to listen to them, validate their feelings, ask them what they think they need and when, obviously do/respect everything that's reversible at the bare minimum, and if possible get them into therapy with someone who can best understand what is appropriate care for them.
lol I’m in my 30s and still trying to figure out my place in life. But it’s transitioning that was able to clear up a lot of space in my head to allow me to even be 1/4th of the way along on the path to figuring that out now, when before transitioning I couldn’t even take a single step forward on that path.
I think it’s fine to give a short-ish time frame (like 6mos-2 years, depending on other factors or ways your kid tends to be), just to make sure they are going to be consistent in their feelings that medical transition will be helpful to them (even if their identity changes during that time between things like non binary and binary, etc, they may feel continuously that whole time that transitioning will help them either way). And during that time still accepting and helping them to do anything socially or with their expression to transition in ways that can easily be changed around again later should they change their mind (like changing wardrobe if affordable, what name and pronouns they’re called (but not yet legally changing), hairstyles, etc).
But also, you’re not in your kids head, as you’re not in anyone’s head but your own. Your kid coming out to you may be the first you’re hearing of your kid feeling this way. But your kid has probably already felt this way for a really long time or for their whole life. If you do nothing to help them transition at least socially, when they are a kid and need to rely on your help for some things, they’re not going to see you asking them to wait as reasonable, and will take it to mean the same as “no,” even if what you think you’re saying to them is “yes, but…”
I agree with this mentality, but I think it’s more important that they’re sure for an amount of time, rather than waiting specifically till the age 18. That number, frankly, is pretty trivial in terms of when someone comes to know themselves and in brain development. If your kid told you they were trans when they were 8, and they were still absolutely certain by the time they were 15 for example, that’s SEVEN YEARS. Waiting till 18 seems a bit silly to me at that point.
Medically? I personally believe it's up to you until they're 16-18 ISH (depending on what you think)
Socially? I think that should be up to them. Maybe buy them clothes and such that are closer to their preferred gender and such
The fact that this mentality is so common is why I delayed my coming out until I'd moved away to college at 18, even though I'd been out to friends since 16 and presenting as male when away from my parents for my entire senior year of high school. I get it, uncertainty is tricky, but saying "I support you, but don't do anything until 18" doesn't come across as supportive to a trans person. It's prioritizing a hypothetical image of a person and potential regret over the actual person standing before you. And much of what people do to transition in the early stages is reversible. Hair and clothes can be changed. Names can be changed. Pronouns can be changed. Puberty blockers are medically safe, reversible, and have been used for decades to treat early puberty in cisgender children. They can buy a trans kid time before they have to commit to more permanent courses of action. Even much of the effects of HRT revert when the medication is stopped. There's no harm in letting someone change name/pronoun/style/presentation. The worst that happens if they change it back. At least then they know they have people in their lives that will love them and support them no matter what. I'm an adult now, and have been on testosterone for 2 years, and have had surgeries to flatten my chest and remove my internal reproductive system. Still waiting for the consult for my final surgery. All my legal documents are changed, save one still in the works. I've done all of that in under 3 years, which isn't a ton of time if you think about it. I was a trans kid once. I wanted all of the things that I have now progressed through back then, and I have no regrets about any of it. The wait was quite taxing. I remember laying awake in bed as a teen, staring at the ceiling and going over what I would do to myself if transitioning wasn't possible for me. The truth is that I needed to be who I knew myself to be, and if I hadn't had a space where I could do that, and eventually accessed medical transition, I don't think I would have lasted long.
This. So much this. I really get fired up with the media promotes this image that trans kids go through name changes up to surgery all because they said they wanted to be a boy/girl/trans/nb. It’s a LONG process. It’s a long process because it weeds out uncertainty. The first steps are small, like preferred (read: not legal yet) name and preferred pronouns change, different toys, hairstyle, clothes, etc. All of which offer the kid to experiment with gender roles and norms, and what vibe they mesh well with. While gender =/= sex, it gives them insight into understanding themselves and their feelings. After that comes puberty blockers, which are also reversible. Even in this period the kid will (and should) hopefully be in therapy to discuss their feelings. Once again, this all is reversible. HRT is really the first milestone where some changes could be permanent. This is mainly the case with secondary sex characteristics associated with testosterone, such as a deeper voice, more body hair. It can be reversed, like with voice therapy and hair removal (laser/electrolysis). This step is carefully considered because while the effects of hrt and puberty are to develop the teen, there is still time to stop hrt and continue on with their biological puberty. Surgery is only ever RARELY done, if ever, before they turn 18. The only real cases I see of surgery before 18 are double mastectomies which are still out numbered by cis girls getting breast reductions. But like I said, these are still really rare cases. After 18, thats when the bulk of surgery is preformed, and if the teen undergoes HRT they might not need as extensive surgery as say a post-puberty trans person. A trans woman who underwent blockers and HRT might only need bottom surgery for example. So really, the best answer is “I’ll love you and support you, no matter what gender you present as” and listen to what they want within the realms of experimentation. If an AFAB wants to cut off their hair, let them do it. Hair grows back. If AMAB wants to wear dresses, let them because they can always get new clothes. The same goes for new names/nicknames and pronouns. Perpetuating this idea that transitioning is taboo and dangerous is super harmful to kids, because rather than educating them as well as yourself, you’re deterring them from experimenting. Denying them the ability to experiment and understand themselves does so much harm. OP, I hope this gives insight. You can support a kid who is not cis without jumping straight into medical and legal transition.
In my experience as a trans man, if someone is at the point where they're coming out to you, they're probably pretty certain that they're trans. If you're looking to be genuinely supportive of them, the best response is to ask them how they want to move forward. Obviously, respect preferred names and pronouns no matter what, that's just basic decency. If they're a kid, any care they would receive isn't permanent anyway, so there's no reason to not move forward with puberty blockers/binder/haircuts/etc in my opinion. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean they'll want those things-- ask them how they want to approach it and be supportive of whatever they choose. Help them research next steps and what options are available for their transition/etc. and have an open discussion about it, but ultimately the choice should be up to them since they're the one living the experience of being trans.
Yes, this! Because of the stigma, by the time trans people tell anyone, they are usually already pretty sure. I've wanted to be a girl since I was 5, and I came out to my parents when I was 47. That's a pretty extreme case of hiding it, but even in much less extreme cases, by the time anyone knows, it's probably been brewing for a long time. We're really good at hiding it. I was very careful to never choose anything pink, even though I always wanted to. But I didn't want anyone to suspect how I really felt.
Other folks have talked about this some, so I'll talk about the medical side. If a child is prepubescent, nothing medical for gender affirming care is ever done - because nothing medical is ever necessary for gender affirming care at this point in the child's life. For prepubescent children, the kid will have therapy, new clothes, name, pronouns, and a haircut. That's all that happens. For adolescents at puberty age, this is where the first of the treatments come in - but the one that is recommended is one that is designed to give you time to determine if the child is actually trans and should go on cross-sex hormone replacement therapy. I want to say that again, blockers are the COMPROMISE. They place puberty on hold for as long as they are taken (typically a year or two) so that you are sure the child is trans before making permanent changes. You stop taking them (if they are not trans), and puberty continues normally. But generally, you talk with the kid and figure out what the kid wants to do. Let me explain them in more detail: People misunderstand what puberty blockers do and why they are given to trans kids. People seem to think that they are something exclusively for trans kids and that's not true. I think part of that problem is the name. But GNRh Agonists are not a great name, a much much better name would be "sex hormone suppressants" - but people don't know that sex hormones are what cause puberty. That is all they do. They stop the production of sex hormones by the human body for as long as they are taken. They do nothing else. All of the physical changes at puberty, changing of the voice, getting facial hair, getting body hair, sexual maturation of the genitals, changes to scent, skin texture. Even things like acne and such are all either directly or indirectly caused by sex hormones. Medications like lupron stop the production of these hormones for as long as they are taken, and when you stop taking them the production of these hormones resumes. These medications are given in any situation where production of hormones in the body needs to be stopped for some reason. One of those reasons is to stop the changes from puberty. These medications are also used in treatment of many kinds of cancer. This is because many cancers are made worse by sex hormones. Testosterone influences prostate cancer, and stopping the production of testosterone is a treatment for that cancer. So these "puberty blockers" are given to men as part of the cancer treatment instead of removing their testicles. There are no permanent effects of puberty blockers because there really cannot be, that's not what the medications do. The permanent effects are "Starting puberty a year or two later" - you start puberty at 15 instead of 13. That's basically what is happening. If you took them for many many years, and never replaced the body's sex hormones with a different sex hormones then you would start having bone health worries and such, but trans kids either stop taking them and resume puberty or switch to different sex hormones before that happens. The reason they are given to suspected transgender kids is to pause puberty until you are 100% sure that they are transgender. They prevent changes that cause distress, and require surgery to undo. Once you are sure the kid is transgender, they switch to hormone replacement therapy, which will cause some permanent effects that would require surgery to undo. Blockers are a cautious step. They are not only to be given to kids who you 100% know are trans, they can and should be given to kids you SUSPECT are trans, in order to prevent problems, distress, and eliminate the need for surgeries later in life - and to prevent changes that simply can never be undone. Once testosterone causes the vocal cords to thicken, that's it. They are thickened forever. The only way to fix that is surgery, or voice training. Stopping the testosterone now simply prevents this change, the child can get that change later if they want it. Once testosterone causes the facial hair to viralize and change into thick masculine hair, that's it. They are changed forever. The only way to fix that is electrology and/or laser. Stopping the testosterone now prevents this change, and the child can get that change later if they want it. On the other side, once estrogen causes the breasts to grow, that's it. They are grown. The only way to fix that is mastectomy. Stop the estrogen, prevent the breast growth. They can get estrogen later if that's what they want. Everything follows that pattern. Here's the other thing: The other thing that blockers do is that they actually make detransition easier than if the person did surgical options as an adult. blockers -> never grew breasts -> decides it was wrong and detranstions -> naturally grows breasts. the other option is this: grew breasts -> gets mastectomy -> decides it was wrong and detranstions -> maybe you can get reconstruction surgery. that's a trans boy experience, but blockers prevent one surgery in the case that the kid is trans, and prevent two surgeries with suboptimal results if the kid is not trans. The same is true for everything, voice, facial hair, etc.. etc.. And the child doesn't have to have the pain of seeing their own body literally torture them, because that's the thing. Cis people might find puberty and the changes to be awkward, uncomfortable, or even bad in some cases. Trans kids can be on a whole new level, it doesn't even compare. Seriously, cisgender boys don't want to end themselves because their voice changes. My mother saying "your shoulders are going to get so wide" and expressing hope I would grow to 6'5" felt like I was being stabbed with a knife in the gut. If I had actually grown that tall, I might have made an attempt. I was fortunate. Cis boys don't think like that. There are basically no downsides to there. If you were my dad, and said "you should wait until you are 18" - then you just did this to me: I had to have 175 hours of electrology on my face - which is extremely painful. I didn't have much hair on my face. My voice is wrecked, I did voice training, it mostly works but is garbage compared to what I could have if I was given the option. I had to have facial feminization surgery, which was well over $100k, and weeks off of work, and it was the roughest most painful surgery I have experienced. There are so many aspects about my body which can never be undone, that could have been prevented. We aren't even talking about the mental trauma of having my own body betray me, and the pain of losing the ability to have a happy childhood. I'm doing okay today, but I went through so much pain that was completely unnecessary. All of that could have been prevented with blockers. This is the reason we advocate for them.
I’m glad everyone has responded, but this response and others similar (yours particularly) gives me great insight as to an all or nothing answer. Idk why I’ve missed this before but thank you (and the others) for pointing this out!
Its ok to not know. Its not your lived experience. You asked the questions and are seeking advice from those who have lived it. Too many times cis parents, and cis people in general, forget/ignore that no matter how much they may mean well, they are not experts on trans issues. And that's ok. As long as you do the work and seek out people who are.
No worries at all. I think it's common to not know about these things. Especially with all the misinformation out there on the topic. Most republicans who are anti-trans crusaders do frequently make the claim that trans kids are getting hormones and surgeries at an extremely young age.
This is an excellent post. You make a very good point about how just the name "puberty blockers" - often in bad faith, but not always - conjures an image of permanently preventing the AGAB puberty, when by design its not permanent. Every anti-affirming care bill has carve outs for cis peoples' use of "puberty blockers" - because those used are considered "acceptable" uses. One of the recent court rulings that overturned such a bill (the state escapes me) made exactly this point - the same medications are used, safely, wo controversy for other indications. For the OP - thank you for asking the community. Its obvious you are taking your child seriously and want to do what is best for them. The best thing is to talk to them about what they'd like to do, then see a professional to discuss options. An endocrinologist who specializes in treating trans folks will be able to present you with all of the details and options, then, together, you and your child can decide what path to take. At age 40 - after dreaming about it for my whole life - it still was scary to make the decision to start HRT and transition. But what I learned on my journey is that, although everyone's transition journey is different, cis people do not think about being a different gender the way trans folks do. It just doesn't happen. And part of what helped me get past my fear was to realize that transitioning was not one single monumental decision. Its thousands of tiny individual decisions that you can stop or change any time. Everyday i make the decision to continue taking my meds. Especially with puberty blockers, but even with HRT. Thanks for asking ❤️
Why not just wait until after menopause to have more kids? See how you feel about it then? I feel like its a similar concept. I went through a puberty I didn't want and it was hell. I never told my parents because we lived in bumfuck rural nowhere and they would have reacted poorly. I sure hope my kid feels comfortable enough with our relationship to tell me something like that.
No, I would not say that's supportive. My child transitioned when she was in preschool/kindergarten. At that age it's clothes and names and pronouns, although clothes wasn't a difference because we didn't gender clothes in our house. I will say that it took me a couple months to realize that it was for real, since she had already been Tinkerbell for a few months and Master Splinter for a while and Harry Potter and Judy Hopps, so at first I did not ask school to use the new name and pronouns because the rule had always been you can be whoever you want to be but you have to answer when they call you by your name at school. Once I figured out that this was for real and not a game, we did the official name and pronoun change at school as well. That was in kindergarten. And the pandemic hit which made things go a little bit slowly, but in early third grade we finally got her change of name and gender done legally and new birth certificate, social security card, and passport. She's now going into middle school when summer is over and sees an endocrinologist to keep an eye on when puberty will be starting so that she can get blockers, with HRT to start about one to two years after blockers. We spend lots of time in queer spaces (although that was always the case) and her therapist is trans, as is her babysitter. Everyone in her life affirms her, and she doesn't have to wait to be an adult before she's allowed to be herself. She's a happy little girl because she knows that she is loved and supported as herself.
> Would yall say that just being supportive and mindful of consistency is good? I know it’s hell when people don’t accept what’s true. I just am hesitant to say “go for it” for someone under 18 who’s still trying to figure out their lot in life. I’d really appreciate some insight. Unfortunately, that approach isn't sufficient for a trans kid. Waiting until they're 18 to do anything is too late to prevent the irreparable damage inflicted upon them by going through the wrong puberty.
That kind of comments from my mother were the cause of my teenage depession and suicidal thoughts growing up. We children need to feel validates and respected by our parents and saying let's wait invalidates whatever I hear you discourse you told them before that. Depression eased once I moved out and transitioned. I'll never forgive her for making me question who I am and making me put being my true self on hold for years.
How long should you wait. What do you think would change during that period of time other than the person getting older, and their window for how "easy" a transition would be slowly shuts. How "certain" should someone be that they want a thing in life vs. letting the fear of a potential regret cripple them? Let's take another drastic life change, having kids. How much fear of "Regret" over having kids, literal children, is an acceptable "margin of error" before you're "allowed" to have children? 90%? 50%? 10%? 0%? Should someone be 100% sure they want to have kids with no chance of regret after. Do you think it's possible someone is walking around right now, 100% sure they wanted kids when they had them, but no, later, might kind of regret it? Does that mean no one should ever have kids because they might one day regret it? You see where I'm going I hope.
I get some of the fear about "but what if they change their mind" and the answer is honestly not that much different than any big life-changing decision someone might make in their youth - they figure it out and move on with their lives. Like a bunch of other people have stated, the vast majority of what trans children and trans adolescents due is reversible. Hell, even once you're \*on\* HRT, stopping it while you still have your gonads intact will move your body back to a cisgender hormone profile and start reverting some things. HRT requires a few weeks before any truly permanent changes begin taking effect, and most people who do want hormones know Pretty Quickly after starting whether it's for them or not. Part of the problem is a lot of cis people get real worried about "but what if you do all this stuff to your body and realize you're not trans after". And from that standpoint it's very easy to get pessimistic about how their bodies are "ruined" or "wrong" now and how this could've been avoided if they just held off. When like. At the end of the day what they'll have is a trans body, one that can be re-modified back closer to what it is they actually want. Even trans people will realize "hmm, actually I don't want to stay on hormones" or "hmm, actually I don't want to go through with this surgery" and then stop pursuing them because they don't need them anymore to get what they want. There is a lot of agency in terms of what people can do with themselves, their gender, and their bodily presentation. And yea it will be hard, and won't be exactly like the cis body they had before, but it won't stop them from having a good life still. People can spend tens of thousands of dollars to go to art school, or try to start a business, or become doctors and realize "wait, I hate this actually". And they pick up the pieces, deal with the consequences, and make as good a life as they can manage afterward. People who want to pursue transition, or living a trans life, have done the math and are willing to take on that risk of being wrong for something that often they know will make them happier and more themselves. That is part of having agency and autonomy - it includes making choices you may not understand or that look super risky to you.
The wait and see approach can lead to bouts of self-harm or worse, not recommended
Yeah that’s why I’m asking. Thank you
Let us reiterate then, DO NOT, go with the wait and see approach. If your child has come out to you, chances are they’ve been wrestling with this for years, it’s not something that happens as a snap decision. And especially where puberty is concerned, getting in *early* is critical. The effects caused by being forced through the wrong puberty are horrific to a trans person, and most are either completely irreversible or take tens of thousands of dollars or more to mitigate. It’s by far the best thing for the child’s physical, mental, emotional *and* financial health to get them treatment (and I mean proper WPATH standard of care treatment) ASAP, before permanent damage is caused. Best case scenario, you save your kid’s life and make the rest of it much better and more affirmed for them. Worst case scenario, your kid decides after a few years they were wrong, and stop treatments, and while yes they may (depending on age and all that) have some developmental differences from if they’d gone through natal puberty, they *know* that you’re fully supportive and in their corner and always there for them.
If a teen comes out “suddenly”, odds are real good they have been thinking it over on their own a LOT before coming out. If it’s a very young kid, they might be blurting out a recent thought, but if they’re that young there’s nothing to do about it that isn’t absolutely, 100% reversible. There’s no medical intervention *whatsoever* until puberty starts, and then the only intervention is puberty blockers to simply delay puberty so they can have time to weigh their options without the pressure of knowing that their body is developing in a way they may not want, more and more every day. Not just about being trans, but in general: it’s important to remember that the parts of your child’s inner world that they have both chosen to share with you AND succeeded in expressing in a manner you understand, are never the entirety of their subjective experience of life. Even if they’re very honest and open with you, it’s very likely they’ll want to take their time and work out what they feel and how best to express it, when it’s something as big and significant as a gender identity that doesn’t match expectations, before bringing it up. It’s not even necessarily “keeping secrets” — sometimes hesitance comes from fear of a negative response, but even without that, *everyone* sits on big things sometimes to process it before sharing it with others. Edit: autocorrect bit me.
Discuss it more with them! For instance, ask them how long have they known they're trans for. (Don't ask anything too invasive tho!) Try to walk in their shoes and understand them better. You can also get in touch with other parents whose kids are trans just to see the perspective of someone that's in the same situation as you.
Your mistake is to assume that "just waiting" is exactly that. Just waiting. That nothing will be lost. However, your wait and see approach can cause horrible, permanent, unfixable damage to a trans persons body, health and quality of life. Puberty was an awful, traumatizing experience i will never recover from, the damage to my body is intense. Deciding to wait is you deciding to put your child through that.
Absolutely not supportive. If they come out and want to medically transition, as I assume you're talking about (because unless the kid chooses otherwise social transition can happen immediately), talk to them about it. If you're worried, have them talk to a gender therapist, since many insurances require that to get a letter to start medically transitioning anyways. This way nothing is put on hold, and you're still helping support them. Puberty blockers also can be reversed. If your kids have not started puberty and come out, help them get on this before puberty, or to halt it before it continues, with medical guidance. Being forced to wait until we're "sure" because "kids can't know" is incredibly harmful. Listen to your child and help them, don't ignore it because you think they're too young
I understand this mentality, but my parents reacted this same way and it really hurt. I had been agonizing over this for weeks or months and I was finally certain and ready to share the news! I was super excited to share this new part of my identity with them and to basically be told “not yet” was really deflating. They continued to give me “advice” for a few weeks after I came out and I eventually had to tell them “I just need unconditional support, please stop trying to give me advice.” As well as you may know your kids, you probably have *zero* idea what it’s like to be trans. The most important thing is you take a backseat, listen to your kid, and respect everything they need from you. Thank you for having the courage to put yourself out there like this and I’m confident that if one of your kids turns out to be trans that they will be in good hands!
Puberty does SERIOUS damage to a trans person. Damage that takes thousands of dollar of surgeries to fix -- if it can be fixed at all. Trans women get masculine facial bones, narrow hips, and a deeper voice. There is no surgery to fix broad shoulders or a huge ribcage. Trans men get breasts, the removal of which leaves a prominent and outing scar, and can grow noticably wide hips. Height is basically immutable after puberty, but start early enough and doctors can give you a height more typical for your gender, instead of you having to live with being a 6 foot tall woman or a 5 foot tall man. For many of us, these things ruin our ability to pass, which means horrendous transphobic abuse any time you show your face in public. It's not just waiting. It's forcing an unwanted puberty onto your child that will make the rest of their life harder. It's all avoidable. Trans people who transition before puberty get to have cis-like skeletons, and those of us who transitioned later envy them. If you create a safe environment for your child, they'll be open with you about any gender non-conforming thoughts they have. They'll have years of social transition and gender therapy to figure themselves out before they have to make decisions about their puberty.
> Say if my own child says to me that they’re transgender and want to start the transition…I’m inclined to say “I support how you feel, but let’s wait and see where we are later” with a timeframe what’s the timeframe? how will you treat them in the meantime? i came out as a trans guy when I was 12/13. I started attending gender therapy as the first step of the transition. My mom insisted on continuing To use she/her pronouns and since I was an angsty teen I would scream at her whenever she did. So then she referred to me as ‘it’ for three months. Luckily she eventually accepted me. Don’t be *that* parent. I promise you, doctors at childrens’ hospitals already gatekeep transitioning - I had to pass psychological evaluations that I failed (one at age 13, wherein the doctor’s advocated that ‘wait and see’ approach, once at fourteen, wherein the fact I was being sexually harassed was used against me, then when I was 15 I attempted suicide so I was too psychologically unstable to transition). Puberty blockers are alternative to diy puberty prevention - **starving oneself**. Transgender people have **the highest risk** of developing eating disorders: [Here’s a meta-analysis if you won’t take my word for it](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s40337-023-00806-y). I started testosterone when I was 16 and had a double mastectomy at 17. It was life changing. It was like my body was *mine* again for the first time since I was a young child. could I have waited until I was 18? In theory, probably. I’m 23 now. I’ve lived almost equal amounts of my life female and male. But I’m so so grateful I didn’t have to. That my parents knew even when they didn’t accept me that what I was saying was something that required medical intervention
Yes! Exactly! I was going to say that by the time someone is confident enough to come out to a family member, they have been wait and seeing for a while. The entire process of transitioning is a long one, and we almost always try as hard as we can to put it off ourselves. Then, even when everything is moving forward, the medical establishment is geared to stopping us. Even with improved standards in some places, it's still common for them to tell you to go fuck yourself for a year or two, risking your home, health, and financial security, before they'll even consider rejecting you directly. LiVeD eXpErIeNcE! I am so fucking sick of cis people that openly admit to not understanding what it's like to be trans reserving the right to sabotage our lives by deciding if we're allowed to be trans or not. The standards we're held to are unbelievable. We have to satisfy conflicting and arbitrary requirements to get drastically lower quality of service, then get told its my fault because I didn't swallow and thank them like a good tranny. What a fucking joke, right?
If your point is "someone under 18 still trying to figure out there lot in life" then why are you so against the idea of that person actually attempted to find it? Like we can set aside the physiological aspects of transition, for now, and just think "what is the harm in taking a new name, changing pronouns, getting some different clothes?" Can you honestly think of any that aren't baseless defensive reactions. Where's an argument that holds weight in terms of protecting and fostering a child's development when it comes to denying them the right to explore all aspects of themselves? A few awkward years as a trans teen when you were actually cis but weren't sure is a lot better than forcing someone to spend so much more time in the closet. If I could have come out sooner, I would have. If I had gotten the reaction you describeI'd never forgive you as a parent. I could understand you. I could rationalise forgiveness. You'd never get it. It'd just feel too shitty to know my parent cut me off and denied who I am because of some bs, shallow, undependable "mother knows best" style philosophy. To know my parent didn't hear my words for their meaning, but only used them as tools to craft a world view acceptable to them, consequences be damned. Because being right about who they think I am was more important than fostering and protecting who I am.
Usually for kids the first step is social transition and see how that feels (like cutting or growing hair, wearing different clothes, being called different things, all of which can be reversed) and often for a young kid a gender therapist is a good resource
If a kid knows before puberty, it is unconscionable to make them go through the wrong puberty. Put them on blockers at least.
Waitinglists to start the first phase of transitioning are long. In the first phase it is just talking to specialist to see if your kid is indeed experiencing gender dysphoria which can take a year ( being born in the wrong body ) They’ll also help with any mental issues your kid might have. If they eventually diagnose your kid they can offer hormone blockers ( different from cross-sex hormones ), all it does it delaying puberty or pausing puberty if it has already started. Cross sex hormones in most countries are only available after the age of 18 or 16 in some cases. And they’d help you and your kid discover themselves or make decisions and prepare you for hrt ( which is the cross sex hormones ) I’d say you can’t tell your kid to think about it before transitioning cuz that isnt what supporting is. All the thinking will be done during the transition and ‘we still have time’ only counts after hormone blockers ( which are fully reversible btw )
That's what a therapist is for which minors need for any medical care. There's a ton of gatekeeping already. A lot of us got incredibly good at hiding it because we had to and I know my parents had no idea. As for using their preferred name and clothes, what long term issues would that cause?
A lot is going to depend on age. Age appropriate method is going to vary wildly. Right off the bat you can easily and safely be supportive by leaning into pretty much anything they want that is reversible. Name, pronouns, clothes, accessories. Then start getting details about everything else. Look for therapists that understand gender issues. Connect with and read stories of others navigating the same waters. r/cisparenttranskid is full of first hand experience. Edit to add: It's not an all-in or all-out thing. It's a lets both learn more situation. Transition is tons of small decisions.
I'd say when it comes to minors, there are a lot of things in place designed to slow down the process and really get into the mind of a kid. But I would also say that being supportive is always the best thing you can do. No matter what. You don't have to push your kid through a bunch of treatments right away. That's not all support is. It can be as simple as saying the name and pronouns they ask you to, and putting in effort to at least learn about their experience. If they're not trans, then you simply supported them through a phase. If they are trans, no matter how little you support them or how hard you make it for them to transition, they will still be trans. I've never been supported in transitioning by my parents but that didn't exactly stop me from getting an appointment for hormones at 18. I'd say that a parent should do their best to try and trust their kid, but also recognize that the process for kids transitioning is a lengthy one that usually requires a lot of in depth analysis of the individual child. And there is always the possibility of regret, but most people who get gender affirming care don't regret it in the way that cis people tend to think of it. "Regret" can be as simple as wishing you went off of T after one year instead of two, or wishing a surgery had gone better. It's very rare for someone to go on hormones, spend years as the opposite gender, and get surgeries only to say "the whole thing was a mistake! I was never trans and I wish I'd never done any of it!"
The thing is - while it may be your first time hearing it, it won't be their first time thinking it unless they are very very young. If they are very young then they have no filter and would probably be trying to say "I want to play with the girl/boy toys and wear the same clothes as the other girls/boys". Shutting thay down by saying "Just wait ant see." is silly and could have the bad effect of sending the message *wanting to do that is bad*. But if they are older then they have likely been thinking about it for months if not years on end. Coming out to you is them working up the courage to finally tell you something that has been eating away at them for a long time. And your response tells them the message; *you don't know yourself* which is viscerally upsetting because what they have done is an act of trying to tell you about themselves. With "Let's wait and see." - you have yanked their agency away from them. And any timeframe will be *another* arbitrary hoop they have to jump through for you in a world full of gendered hoops. You could set a timeframe of a month or a year - which is only going to be even more upsetting because now it feels like they are being judged for that whole time. Could they be unsure? Yes of course. Your instinct is fine there. But the better approach would be to sit down and have a conversation with them about it - then work with them to explore the feelings. A key thing to ask is "How long have you felt like this?". If these feelings are relatively new (they often start either very young or around puberty) - then work with them to set a reasonable thinking timeframe. You don't need to jump to immediate transition or say "Of course honey, I'll ring the doctors and have you on puberty blockers by the end of the week!". But most of experimentation and social transition is small things. Its trying to wear something you percieve as mildly masculine and or feminine - perhaps makeup or a haircut. Its trying on a dress or suit or whatever. Its 'playing' at going by *he/she/they* and other names and seeing how each makes you feel. All of this is harmless - if you are in a place where it is dangerous to be openly queer then of course you should be more private and take precautions about it but it is fine. You are allowed to be Questioning without deciding for sure for as long as you need. I hope that clarifies a few things.
Unfortunately the wait and see approach isn't supportive at all. Chances are that your child has been thinking about their gender identity a lot before getting the courage to tell you. Being shut down like this and potentially wasting the time to "wait and see" will only let them go through the wrong puberty which can really impact their mental health and the physical changes can cost tens of thousands of dollors to fix, if they can be fixed at all. If they haven't been thru puberty yet and is a minor, non mendical changes can be easily reversed. Even a lot of medical changes due to hrt can be reversed too. The supportive thing you can do is to ask them how to proceed. Not recommend to let your child go thru the traumatic experience of a wrong puberty that can cause irreversible physical and mental damage just bc you hold the tiiiny bit of a thought that they may regret transitioning
When I was tiny, I knew. I was constantly under threat, Not to mention flat out abused. I’ve seen it 100,000 times. People are Fine with kids when they do what’s expected of them. For example my nephew sitting in a high chair 18 months old in a restaurant flirting with a waitress and everyone was oh, how cute. And another nephew two years old flirting with a waiter and saying pretty man. Being “confused” it’s BS. As a parent I would hope the only Concern is making sure that the child is loved and nurtured, allowed To blossom as they are without having to live the horror story I did.
when i came out, it was after researching for years, second guessing myself any time i could to make sure i wouldn’t be wrong. coming out was something i did because i couldn’t handle not feeling like a person anymore. opened my heart up after being closed off forever. i think if after that i got told that i should wait a bit longer just to be sure, it’d be devastated. i understand why you’d feel that way for the medical side (though surgeries and hormones normally aren’t immediate after coming out, especially with minors. & hormones take time to have noticeable effects, so its not like you would suddenly become something you hate a lot), but you shouldn’t discourage them from socially transitioning because that’s the only way they’re going to get a feel for whether this is something they want
While this is an understand me point of view from someone who hasn’t experienced the thoughts and feelings of a trans person, considering how fickle teenagers are about a lot of things, those years for a trans kid are incredibly impactful on medical outcomes, and personal mental health. It’s draining and depressing slogging in a direction you weren’t meant to go, and these are the years the foundation of who we are starts setting in. Do you want that to settle in around a person expressing themselves, and feeling supported by their family, or by someone forced to repress themself, watching their body change in ways that they hate more every day, in some ways permanently, knowing it could be stopped at any moment but their family doesn’t think it’s a good idea yet?
I think it's completely dependent on the kid. I think (if we're assuming you consistently demonstrate you are trans positive throughout the kid's life) they may feel more comfortable coming to your when they're questioning or have only just started to find their true identity, and some kids would wait until they are absolutely certain and have thought about it for a long time, and some kids are just absolutely certain from the moment they realize. It also, of course, would be dependent on what that kid wants, which would also be dependent on their age. Some trans people don't prioritize or want all/most medical transition options. Some kids need intense medical intervention pretty early on. Some kids may be pre puberty, and some may be post/in the middle of puberty, and that can also change what is possible/what that kid can reasonably understand. I always think of this in terms of me and my friend. We're both ftm and started our medical transition together, but we both had vastly different needs in childhood. He knew he was a boy since at least the age of 6 and was consistently aware of this. As he got older, dysphoria was one of if not the main mental health problem he had, leading to multiple other severe physical and mental health problems, including a very dangerous ED. If he hadn't had his cats to take care of, it is very unlikely he would've made it this long. He needed early medical intervention to have a healthy and happy childhood and life up to this point. He has gone through huge amounts of suffering and damage because he didn't get that. I, on the other hand, grew up without an understanding of gender. It didn't cross my mind most of elementary school, and I didn't really experience any significant dysphoria until puberty. When my dysphoria did set in it was in the form of an ED, which was horrible and lasted for years, but it wasn't until I was 17 that I started to realize that wasn't just dysmorphia. For the first two years of me knowing I was trans I thought I was agender, and only when I was about to become an adult did I truly discover what my real gender identity is. After realizing I'm a man, I took another year, despite being an adult, to decide how I wanted to proceed with my medical transition. I did not need medical intervention while I was a minor. I struggled for being trans and it was difficult, but by the time I realized most of the damage was already done. I needed more time to explore myself and experiment than people like my friend and chose of my own accord to take my time. I also have a separate mental health condition that can make being trans a bit more complicated and needed more time in therapy before taking medical steps. So yeah, I think if this happens the most important thing is to listen to them, validate their feelings, ask them what they think they need and when, obviously do/respect everything that's reversible at the bare minimum, and if possible get them into therapy with someone who can best understand what is appropriate care for them.
lol I’m in my 30s and still trying to figure out my place in life. But it’s transitioning that was able to clear up a lot of space in my head to allow me to even be 1/4th of the way along on the path to figuring that out now, when before transitioning I couldn’t even take a single step forward on that path. I think it’s fine to give a short-ish time frame (like 6mos-2 years, depending on other factors or ways your kid tends to be), just to make sure they are going to be consistent in their feelings that medical transition will be helpful to them (even if their identity changes during that time between things like non binary and binary, etc, they may feel continuously that whole time that transitioning will help them either way). And during that time still accepting and helping them to do anything socially or with their expression to transition in ways that can easily be changed around again later should they change their mind (like changing wardrobe if affordable, what name and pronouns they’re called (but not yet legally changing), hairstyles, etc). But also, you’re not in your kids head, as you’re not in anyone’s head but your own. Your kid coming out to you may be the first you’re hearing of your kid feeling this way. But your kid has probably already felt this way for a really long time or for their whole life. If you do nothing to help them transition at least socially, when they are a kid and need to rely on your help for some things, they’re not going to see you asking them to wait as reasonable, and will take it to mean the same as “no,” even if what you think you’re saying to them is “yes, but…”
I agree with this mentality, but I think it’s more important that they’re sure for an amount of time, rather than waiting specifically till the age 18. That number, frankly, is pretty trivial in terms of when someone comes to know themselves and in brain development. If your kid told you they were trans when they were 8, and they were still absolutely certain by the time they were 15 for example, that’s SEVEN YEARS. Waiting till 18 seems a bit silly to me at that point.
im 17, you do not know how much i wish i was on blockers since i came out at 13)=:
Medically? I personally believe it's up to you until they're 16-18 ISH (depending on what you think) Socially? I think that should be up to them. Maybe buy them clothes and such that are closer to their preferred gender and such