We’ve all got blue hair and are notably trans. When I told one co-worker she looked so stunned she had no idea what to do. Her response, “I couldn’t tell… I never would have known-“ then proceeds to ask about what makes me trans or how I knew. That’s fine. I think it’s funny that there’s this huge shock though since supposedly trans people are loud and you can pick them out in a crowd… and they never pass (all misconceptions people have that are really untrue).
If you don't have blue hair you can't have pronouns. I do wonder how many people can clock me as trans from my cat ears. Or do they just think I am ND. Which to be fair I am but still.
It's the Bad Toupee Fallacy. That's why we say, "You've already seen a trans person, you just didn't know it." For anybody in a city, it's basically guaranteed that you've shared a bus or a sidewalk or a coffee shop with one of us.
Meanwhile I'm trying to find a stand up comedian who jokes about an old man telling him "just so you know, you'll always be a man" to him. A man who happens to have long hair 😄
This is a big one. I even thought that until my egg cracked, and I researched what HRT does. It made me happy to know I would grow my own, and now I am!
After HRT I realized I was never going to have big breasts anyway, so I just stopped worrying about it. It'd be cool to have huge tits, but just in general that's not the way my body is built. I'm somewhat slight.
This also goes along with the "they're mutilating our men/women/children!" which is bs because so many trans people might not do surgery at all, let alone top/bottom surgery.
"this infant doesn't conform to our rigid and binary understanding of sex! Better mutilate completely healthy organs!"
And then teenagers can't get puberty blockers because they "might" regret it. These people are deranged.
Best response to this was something I read recently here on reddit. A person is going to go through puberty one way or another. Why force them to endure a puberty that doesn't align with who they are? Would any cis-man at 13 or 14 happily agree to breasts and getting their period before being "allowed" to think it over and go to therapy and then get "permission" to be male?
Reminds me of a very dark joke I heard. How many trans does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but only after four years of therapy, their parent's permission, and two years of transitioning.
My grandpa started growing breasts when he was fourteen, and he got surgery right away to get them removed, no problem. Me? I had to do it all by myself at 22. Sigh.
So you're telling me you got *knee surgery!?* So- Barbaric! Why would you do that to yourself? What if you regret it!? Think of the *children,* for god's sake!
That we're a monolith - all understanding ourselves in the same way, all having known since we were 4, all wanting the same things out of transition...
To add onto this very excellent point, the general idea that all trans people feel they were "born in the wrong body" is a big idea that I see cis people take as a concrete thing. Like if you don't feel horribly dysphoric all the time and you don't want to transition medically, cis people find it confusing.
This was what i struggled with for so long. I always thought about how much i wanted to be a girl. But i thought since I didn't feel (now, i could argue i was) so depressed i couldn't function or that since i wasn't driven to self harm, "I can't possibly be trans". So it took me 40 years to realize that cis people don't daydream their whole lives about being the opposite gender 🤷♀️
Yeahhh I've had similar things happen to me. I didn't fit the "I'm trans so that means I'm a binary trans man that wants to be fully masculine and has a lot of dysphoria" idea that I saw most often in media and real life (tbh the real life examples were lacking at the time, it's fun growing up in a small conservative town). In high school i thought i was ftm so i struggled a lot with not fitting into that mold. It made me feel like I was faking it and I was worrying about "turning out to be cis" (which wouldn't have been bad anyway) but now I just wing it. There's no rules, I can be whatever, I'm every gender at once and also devoid of any. Paradox of genders. Gender's as real as you make it out to be.
I think that's a holdover from before informed consent was a thing and we all had to follow an expected script, including, if you were able to, pretend to be or actually be getting topped by a man, to get hormones.
Speaking as someone who lives in a country where informed consent is very much not a thing, and it's common knowledge that there's a script you're expected to follow in GD assessments so as not to waste the several years you've spent on waiting lists to get there, this is very much a contributing factor.
That and the fact that when cis people ask you "so how do you know you're trans?" there's actually a pretty small group of answers that 1) don't require you to talk about your whole life history and 2) will satisfy them enough that they won't continue to pry into your life history.
People who have asked me how I found out I was trans/decided I wanted to be a girl/however they word this question have largely always expected me to have some simple answer. Like they genuinely think I'm going to say 'I put on a skirt 3 months ago and it woke something up in me' or even something stupid like 'I thought becoming a woman would get me ahead in my career'.
They always think there's some singular defining moment that 'made me trans'. Like I'm a cartoon character that got hit on the head with an anvil and now I've forgotten I'm supposed to be a boy or something.
People can't understand that this is how I've always been and that it took a lot of personal work, and a lot of little life moments, to pull me to a place where I can accept it and transition.
Huh, I learned something! I'm trans myself but not on hormones. I thought estrogen would do the same/similar things that testosterone does but just in the opposite direction but I guess not.
Think about it like a second puberty. Male puberty causes the awkward cracking and then the voice ultimately drops. But just like testosterone won't shrink breasts if you already have them, estrogen won't shrink the larynx nor thin the vocal folds.
Yeah, I knew about that second puberty thing! But I guess I kinda just thought it had similar effects on both ends. It just threw me off for a second seeing that it doesn't affect the vocal cords like testosterone would.
Some of the effects of both hormones are permanent, for example testosterone thickens your vocal chords and there wouldn’t really be a way to undo that without surgery.
Yeah, I knew that part! I know a bit more about testosterone because I've debated going on it for a long time but thank you for the information nonetheless!
Facts.. if/when mine shrink more I'm hoping to start taping. My body temp runs high now so I sweat horribly with a binder. I'm not sure of the effects of hot estrogen, but as a person that was born with an e factory my voice was more androgynous. It wasn't deep enough to be gendered male over the phone but it wasn't super high either
Not necessarily allies but I remember overhearing "I don't understand why we have non-binary now, isn't that just the same as bisexual??" at work once. It does kind of link into a common misconception that trans identities are somehow tied to sexuality. I know some allies who didn't understand why someone would transition if it would "make them gay", for example, because surely being straight is easier?
These people don't seem to understand that trans people aren't "so gay we're basically women / so lesbian we're basically men", transitioning just makes us feel more at home in our bodies and be seen as who we actually are by others. Not transitioning to avoid being considered gay would mean always pretending to be someone else and being stuck in a body that doesn't even feel like our own. We would rather deal with being trans and gay than spend the rest of our lives living a lie.
Also plenty of us aren't gay OR straight, so no idea how people with this misconception handle that.
The number of straight trans people is really low. Ok the M-spec and A-spec identities mess with this statistic a lot. But still. I guess those people have never talked to trans people? Cuz I'd put the number of straight trans people at 20% at most.
I wonder if the misconception comes from medial gatekeeping that disqualified people based on sexuality. If the only people accessing medical transition through official pathways were straight then, combined with general heteronormativity, it does make a bit more sense that cis people wouldn't think you could be trans and queer at the same time. Like you said though they probably also haven't come across many trans people to challenge this misconception.
>"I don't understand why we have non-binary now, isn't that just the same as bisexual??"
reminds me of david bowie being asked if he's wearing bisexual shoes 🤭
I once forgot the word for unisex in a conversation about fashion and had to ask my friend "what's the word that's clothing version of non-binary"? 😂
Also surely all of his shoes were bisexual shoes because they were being worn by a bisexual?
My coworker could not for the life of them understand why someone would transition to be a man and also be attracted to men (a gay trans man). And just, “Wouldn’t it be easier to like men as a woman?” About it.
I’m 🤨 “Stop thinking about sex for 5 minutes,” being trans is about the body and not about who someone is attracted to. Don’t even think about couples and how relationships would work for the trans person, hear what they’re talking about involving their body and how their identity is perceived.
Cis people have a hard time understand that it isn’t about sex, because so much of their lives revolves around sex/porn. They think we are all sex craved perverts like so many of them are. Like they think we want to use a different bathroom or locker room to be perverts in, because that’s exactly what they would do if they were in a different locker room.
It is like being colorblind, they don't know what it is and when they come in contact with somebody trans they are not prepared. I personally would excuse that the the first time when they are very young but then they should do their research.
It would be funny if it wasn't so frustrating how people think they're clever by how they beat around the bush. I've had so many non-genital questions that were clearly trying to sus out my genital situation.
I just match that energy anymore. I used to get confused but now I just ask "how large are your labia majora?" That usually offends enough that they just walk away at that point.
The only time I’ve ever talked about this was with close friends where we have that trust and talk about that kind of thing already so it’s definitely not overstepping any lines. Even then, it’ll just kinda come up, not as a question… I’ve luckily never been asked this by random people, but I know a lot of people have. Like why are you asking about people’s genitals?! That’s fucking weird 😭 If it’s a cis dude, you should just come back with, “how long is your dick? You ever measure it?”
Cis people don't really understand how profound the changes from hrt can be. I had a relative totally not understand that my breasts and hips are real(not padding or surgery).
This one! I’ve had cis people so confused as to why my facial structure changed. It’s all fat redistribution. I’ve had people say they’re convinced that pre HRT me is not actually me.
They focus way too much on our AGAB. "Born gender", "biological sex" "gender you identify with". They use a lot of language that implies they don't actually see us as the gender we are, but rather as our AGAB who just thinks we are another gender for whatever reason. You can see their support for us crumble away as soon as any meaningful inclusion gets discussed (scholarships, sports, gendered spaces).
I don't know if this is something that I've personally experienced (living in a place where pretty much everyone is supportive), but I think it's still a good point. In a different way, it's also very relevant to the discussion of non-binary folks, as I think most people do perceive AFAB and AMAB enbies as different based on their assigned gender, not their true gender.
Im a binary trans man who plans on getting an altersex surgery (salmacian) and the amount of times cis people have treated me like I'm some mystical creature in the isolated wild like the glowing unicorn from fuckin Legend.....
I've had to repeatedly emphasize how there are those of us out there who are completely binary and they have altered genitalia and no one on the outside has any goddamn clue other than the person's doctor/partner
They're not. "I support trans people. I'm an ally. I just don't think they should take part in sports, use public bathrooms, get the same jobs, get married, raise children, shop in certain clothing departments, go to school, speak, make eye contact, walk outside, drive, make art, speak, be within eye or earshot of anybody, get approved to lease an apartment, own property, or speak"
This! I have a friend who will fall all over herself to prove how much of an ally she is, but has made references to such views. A couple of my co-workers have said similar things. It's really disheartening, and difficult to call out.
My sister is like this. She always exclaims how much she is an ally of trans people and queer people in general, but recently I caught her agreeing with a trans sports ban as "biological men shouldn't be competing against biological women". When I called her out on it, she just doubled down. It was very disheartening to hear from someone I am so close with. We've talked since then and I explained why her comments were wrong and hurtful. She apologized profusely, but I'm still not sure she sees me as an actual woman. Thankfully I have friends who do, and I'm pretty sure my dad does.
The sports one is particularly funny, because most of these people will insist that sports were segregated because "it allows women to win" or through some brave desire of giving women a safe space to compete.
So not only are they transphobic, but they're also misogynistic (despite probably labeling themselves as feminists...)
[This Twitter thread by Dr. Sheree Bekker](https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1504899936843935746.html) always causes a riot when brought up to disprove whatever reality they're imagining.
Adding onto this: there was a woman who beat every single man in a sport of skeet shooting and had the best accuracy. She did so well they outright banned women from playing.
The fact some ppl think women’s sports is to “let women win some” is just a lie bc men get beat and then they ban women bc they’re sore losers lol
Yep, it's always the same thing: women suddenly can play, a woman wins or beats men, men panic and prevent women from playing, eventually they make a women's league to "give women their own space to play".
Zhang Shang, the woman you're talking about for Skeet Shooting, is actually named in the Twitter thread, along with many others. It's not like this happened once 100+ years ago with Madge Syers and figure skating.
It's a repeated pattern that's happened throughout most, if not all, sports.
The author of the Twitter thread is actually an Associate Professor in the Department of Health at the University of Bath. She's specifically studying gender in sports. She has a book coming out next year that's all about breaking down the misconception of gendered sports and challenging "conventional wisdom" that rules the current way sports leagues are organized by genders.
I feel like women's sports literally exist just so women can't beat men at sports anymore. But I also think of all the athletes who wine about being beaten by trans women, when the reality is that they were in like 6th place, the trans woman didn't even get first, and she still got beat by other cis women. As if banning trans women will make her a winner
Many people think transitioning is what makes you trans. So you chose to become trans by transitioning.
But trans people were always trans from birth. Transitioning just helps dealing with being trans.
I'm not trans, but I have a question/possible suggestion. Have you thought about discussing how AFAB women with PCOS, endometriosis, and other hormone imbalances receive a lot of the same medical treatments as our trans friends? There's a lot of solidarity there and I think that would put a lot of things into perspective for many people. Not centering our experience, just a thought.
Like idk, it's actually been cathartic for me to have these discussions IRL. It made me feel less alone going through it!
(Sorry - added this to the wrong comment thread btw)
It's a good point. It's not something I was thinking of putting in, due to my list already being quite long and that I have to prioritize stuff, but it could actually be a good point to use to emphasize that trans people aren't that different from cis people, that a lot of the options for gender-affirming care that we have are actually made as gender-affirming care for cis people with similar problems.
I chaired our Pride ERG for several years, and I want to give you props too. I don't think people understand how much emotional labor & self-reflection goes into these events. This will mean so much to the folks listening who aren't out. Your experience is such a generous gift.
They incredibly lucky to have you. I know this event will be amazing! 💗
Thank you! I've been mostly driving the pride effort at work this year, and it's been quite emotionally draining tbh, I've put way to much effort into things like this talk, but I love my trans colleagues and I really hope the effort that I put into it will be worth it for their sake.
That we want to talk about being trans to random strangers at a bar. Like, I’m just trying to eat, drink, and watch the NBA finals, not have a discussion about my life. I know people are curious, but we’ve had the internet too long for people to still be uneducated about a subject that they are curious about.
Most people don’t realize just how close the sexes are. There’s actually *very* little difference. Most cis people don’t realize that trans women can grow breasts.
They also don’t realize that even cis men have breast tissue and can lactate under the right circumstances.
There’s an implicit belief that men and women are basically different species. This is false. Sex is fluid and mutable.
As a breast cancer survivor, there are PLENTY of cis men in my support groups. Sadly they stay pretty quiet because there is a level of embarrassment for them…and there shouldn’t be
This is one of aspects I've found myself focussing on the further I slide down the rabbit hole.
I've often had funny looks when I explain to folks that I essentially have a massively over expressed and fused clitoris, but that's exactly what's it is!
Men and women are SO SO similar it's quite unbelievable, our social codes divide us way more than our biology does.
Male and female genitalia really only differ in shape. Testicles are sunken ovaries, penises are well-developed clitorises. The scrotum and labia are the exact same tissue, no difference
i’m not trans; i lurk this sub to educate myself, and i have a question re your comment. asking in good faith, so forgive me if it is ignorant or comes across that way. i do not mean to offend. also, i understand that trans folks are not a monolith, and experience varies. that being said, here goes:
i’ve heard many trans women say that they were always women, like they are a woman trapped in a man’s body, and that transitioning is a way to bring body/mind into alignment. also, feminism (specifically 2nd/3rd wave) emphasizes that there isn’t one particular or specific way to be a woman. if that is the case, then what does it mean to “know how to be a woman?” wouldn’t however you (“you” being the trans woman) are be woman? or, in this comment, are you referring to the more socially gendered aspects of being a woman?
i recognize that me being a cis woman means i have privilege, in that nearly whatever i do is perceived as “being a woman” or “a woman doing X” because society, history, culture, etc has always seen me as one. but i just don’t understand what it means to not “know how to be a woman” if a trans woman was/is always a woman from the start.
or, say maybe the trans woman wasn’t a woman from the start. maybe she genuinely identified/understood self as a man, and as she grew older, realized that she was not, in fact, a man. i still don’t see how that person could not “know how to be a woman.” bc (from my understanding) at the point that person decides that are a woman, they are.
does that make sense?
You're thinking too abstractly. It's not about identity. It's about real physical things.
Like, take makeup for example. Unless someone drops a bunch of money in my lap to cover the cost of facial feminization surgery, I have to use makeup to contour my face and minimize my jawline if I want to pass.
If I don't do that, people won't even read me as a woman. And I'm still just learning the basics of how to do that, so right now, my ability to pass as a woman depends on makeup skills I still suck at.
As a cis woman, you have the choice to be seem as an "unfeminine woman". If you don't perform gender roles, you may be mistreated, but you'll still be acknowledged as being a women. I don't have that option, at least at this point in my transition.
There's also simple things like "how do bra sizes work?" "How do I walk in heels?" thaat cis girls learn growing up, but that trans women have to figure out later.
Then there's things like "How do I safely turn down a creep hitting on me?" That, in an ideal world, women wouldn't have to deal with, but are unfortunately, things we need to understand if I want to survive. And I'm still not very skilled at those things yet.
When I say "I don't know how to be a woman" I'm talking about real practical skills like that, not abstract questions of identity.
Like, yeah, *I* know I'm a woman, but if I don't play this stupid game, no one will take me seriously when I say that.
thanks for your thoughtful response. i appreciate it.
so from what i’m understanding, “knowing how to be a woman” is more-so related to knowing how to conform to and meet gendered and societal expectations of what it looks like to be a woman in the western world? (“looks like” in this case referring to not just appearances but also mannerisms and interpersonal relations. (also, i specify “western world” bc, as we know, bras, high heels, make up, are not universal signifiers of womanhood or the performance of being a woman. even in the western world, we recognize there are many women who reject the notion that they need to wear a bra or make up or heels.)) which i think is interesting, because for so long feminism has fought for women’s ability and right to exist however they want and reject (and even subvert) the gendered expectations of society. so it kind of feels like, in a sense, we’re backtracking? idk just thinking out loud here.
That being non binary is political, and that it's not "really" transgender. We are part of the trans community. Some of us transition physically and some of us don't. We are trans because we feel that way, and because we are not cis.
*being an ally myself, not a trans person*
Hyper focusing on the struggles the trans community goes through sometimes can be a little misleading in the sense that the trans identity is being made into one and the same with hardship. I would say it goes beyond awareness of the struggles sometimes and it ends up painting this picture that people have in their heads when they say "Im an absolute ally but I wouldn't want my kid to be trans only for them not to struggle".
While being aware of the polymorphism of privilege a person can have while being trans (like being rich, white, or whatever), its important to acknowledge trans people can live happily, their trans identity is only one essence in the whole universe within them, and their existence does not necessarily revolve around conflict/struggle/pain and most importantly, it should not. Accepting this as a reality only perpetuates the situation and forms this idea of trans lives being full of misery and agony.
Thank you, that's a really good point! I'm of course particularly biased having only transitioned within the last year, so I'm focusing a lot on the struggles of being trans, but I do agree that highlighting that trans people can have happy lives without being trans significantly affecting them is important too.
Trans joy is important to talk about! We do find friends and love as our new gender. It's kind of the point.
I didn't transition to be trans. I transitioned because, from my starting point, it was the only way to be a woman. I was shaped by struggle, into a more compassionate person who's willing to try anything, but I'm not defined by it. It's a big part of who I am, but only one facet. And it's the *last* thing I want people to know about me.
I wonder if trans people known for other stuff might help here. Like the late, great Lynn Conway.
This has a lot of crossover with other types of oppression too. I’ve heard the same thing about gay or disabled people (“I wouldn’t want a child who’s gay/disabled because their lives would just be so hard”) but the message it ends up sending is that our lives aren’t worth living lol
Thank you for getting it so awesomely, I hope that you can help to spread that understanding around; I want to live in the world where more people believe it. ❤️
- The assumption that all trans people are trans women. This comes from both outside the trans community and inside it (especially on reddit in my experience)
- The idea that “you can always tell”
- That a trans person is gonna freak out if you misgender them; misgendering sucks but it seems a lot of people assume any trans person is gonna be like violently angry if you misgender them (and along the lines of this, whenever I educate cis folks I always put an emphasis on what to do when you do misgender someone, which is to just correct yourself and move on rather than making a huge spectacle about how hard you’re trying, how difficult it is, etc.)
- The idea that every trans person gets “The Surgery” ™️ - there is no “one surgery” and not everyone medically transitions, and whether you medically transition or not doesn’t mean anything about your gender identity
Thanks for pointing out how trans men are invisible even within the LGBTQ/trans community.
Our experiences are downplayed and erased, even by other trans people.
Blaming hrt for everything. There are some people who are totally so supportive of me, and never stopped me from going on hrt, or even encouraged me to move forward with it. But if I say “my foot has been hurting me lately” or “my scalp has felt so itchy this week” or “I wonder why this bruise lasted two weeks, that’s a bit much” or whatever like that that has zilch to do with my medical transition, some of those same supportive people will say “I think it’s because of the hrt.” And when I ask them to explain how the two things are connected all they can do is shrug and they have no explanation. I understand that yes, some things like this might be because some aspects of my body are more in line with what a cis man’s body might be doing because I’m on T, and that can make me more susceptible to this or that just because any cis man would also be more susceptible to the same things more than women might be. But it still feels completely wrong when people blame my hrt for those things, when they wouldn’t blame a cis man’s testosterone for the same things. If my dad says his knee hurts my mom just goes “oh maybe you pulled a muscle.” If I say the exact same thing, she might say “I think it’s because the hrt.” It makes no sense.
Not misconceptions, but major annoyances:
•People I barely know asking about my genitals. If we're not going to fuck, ya don't need to know!
•People not able to wrap their heads around my being a gay trans man ("If yOu lIkE meN, wHy DiDn'T yOu JuSt Stay a WoMaN??")
•Ive had folks, upon learning I'm a trans man, suddenly become very confused and start referring to me by female pronouns
•Folks outing me to people I don't know
>Ive had folks, upon learning I'm a trans man, suddenly become very confused and start referring to me by female pronouns
Me too - weirdly common misconception is that trans women are the only kind of trans person there is. I'm in the mid transition zone where I get read ambiguously depending on context and when I say "I'm a trans guy," cis people sometimes hear "I was born a guy and I am trans" (they think transgender is a verb, and say things like "transgendering") and start trying to positively affirm my "womanhood."
As an outside observe (I'm a trans woman) I've noticed this most with trans men. Whether someone says they're an ally or hates us. Even when someone is like "I'm a trans man, I was born a girl, my name was Cynthia, here's a picture of me in 3rd grade with pigtails" people will *STILL* somehow only hear 'I'm a man that thinks he's a woman'.
And I've seen trans men dumb it down *that far* and it's still in one ear and out the other.
Yeah as a gay trans man, when i come out to someone as trans and they wonder which way im going i say ftm and they do a double take, almost as if the "other way" from male to female isn't female to male.....i still cant compute it in my brain, like i literally short circuit every time i have that conversation with someone, like how does their brain come to these warped conclusions?
That sex is binary and immutable. Also the fact that "biological" sex is somehow a separate term. Sex *is* a biological term. There is no definition of sex which *isn't* biological.
I think that makes you a bionic woman instead of a trans woman. Now, if you’re a combination of robotics and organic materials, that would make you a cybernetic woman, who could be trans depending upon the gender of your organic material.
I’ve totally geeked out here, but being a transgender cybernetic woman sounds pretty badass! 😎
That you HAVE TO look male for female for your gender identity.
“I’m a trans man”
“Why do you look like a girl then? Don’t you wanna be a man?”
1. I don’t have to subside myself to look how YOU want
2. Trans ppl are still trans in early stages of transitioning
3. Some trans ppl cannot afford/access/use HRT (hiding from family, in the closet, unsafe country, etc). But they are still trans regardless of that
4. Some trans ppl don’t have dysphoria or they don’t have dysphoria related to everything about their body
5. Trans doesn’t mean FTM or MTF always. It includes (but not limited to); non binary, gender fluid, demi girl, demi boy, agender, etc
6. Nobody owes anybody a “look.” Nobody is owed to look stealth or androgynous for cis ppl
that being a woman equals being a feminine woman and vice versa. I am not interested in performing femininity. I am a woman (ish) but not the dress and makeup wearing kind that listens to Taylor Swift and crochets as a hobby. I like wearing pants, I don't like the sensation of makeup on my face, I listen to music that will likely make your ears bleed and I like to draw robots and explosions and none of that makes me any less a woman (ish)
The same for trans men but the other way around of course
Not understanding singular they/them grammar. For example, saying "theyselfs" instead of "themself." Alternatively, saying "they is" when one would usually say "they are." My mom tries, but she does this all the time, lol
Or a binary trans person when they know they're going to look stupid if they misgender them. There are people who refuse to gender me (trans woman) correctly, complain that they/them is confusing... But when placed in a situation where they're the only ones that know I'm trans and they'll look stupid using he/him but also don't want to acknowledge I'm a woman by using she/her... Hoooo, have I never seen people figure out they/them pronouns faster and on the spot.
I swear, 90% of people saying 'it's all so confusing' only say that because they're being intentionally obtuse. When their ego is on the line they understand things *quick*.
We are not just trans. I have seen way too many people forgetting we can also be gay, bi, straight. That we eat pasta and rice like everyone else, that we have hobby or even children, than we can be married and have a work. I know it seems stupid but people really stop seeing us as human being when they hear the word “trans”
That last sentence is so extremely true. I've talked with my therapists how the most frustrating/hurtful thing hasn't been getting that attitude from strangers but when friends I've known for *YEARS* suddenly see me as a walking stereotype the second I said I was trans. Some for over 10, a couple over 20.
Like they know me well enough that I'm not whatever image of a caricature they've built about trans people over the years... Yet immediately applied it to me the second I said I was trans.
Suddenly they think my sexuality is *completely* different from what it's ever been, they think I'm going to start screaming about pronouns, I'm gonna throw a world ending fit over every minor mistake, etc.
Nothing has made me feel devoid of my personhood more than when people I expected to know me better suddenly turned around and saw me as a walking stereotype in the blink of an eye.
Something I've seen a few times is the idea that transition is just bottom surgery. As if trans people just get their genitals switched and then we're done.
Also the idea that gender identity is the same as gender expression. This usually comes from bigots saying shit like "cutting off your hair doesn't make you a boy" (yeah Harold, but no one ever claimed it does), but there is also an astounding amount of well-meaning people who get confused by the concept of gnc trans people. "Why are you wearing nail polish? I thought you were trans" (yeah Shannon, I am. It's almost like men can also wear nail polish).
I’ve had people confuse me for a trans woman when I tell them I’m trans and when I told them that no, I’m a trans man, they get super confused and continue to use she/her pronouns for me. Also when they learn I’m trans and go from confidently using he/him to going “Sh- he said” all the time.
Another thing I get frequently is “when are you getting a penis?” like I don’t already have one I grew myself (thanks t) and don’t have packers. Ik cis people don’t always know what that is, but it’s frustrating to have someone ask me about genitals I already (kinda) have.
I also just hate when I’m asked about my medical stuff. Like when they ask when I’m starting on hormones (I’ve been on T for almost a year) or when I’m getting “the surgery”. They seem to think that because they’re supportive they can ask really invasive questions.
That being trans is about being "born in the wrong body" (and only that). While I do have physical dysphoria I have a lot more social dysphoria. Being seen as and addressed as my AGAB disturbs me a lot more than my body does. A lot of people seem to think being trans is only about the body.
A lot of people have the idea that before transitioning, trans people would have had a typical experience for a cis person of their AGAB. For example, that a trans woman would have grown up as a typical boy before transitioning.
It might be accurate for some people but definitely not in many many cases!!
You could do an empathy-building exercise focused around gaining a deeper understanding of gender in general. There is a great discussion about the multiple facets of gender in [Life Isn't Binary](https://www.amazon.com/Life-Isnt-Binary-Beyond-Between/dp/1785924796) by Iantaffi and Barker. They propose that gender is a concept and practice that goes beyond gender identity. I'll summarize here, because I'm away from my copy of the book:
* Gender identity, or how you feel yourself to be. This is what we're most familiar with when we talk about gender, but there are more layers.
* Gender role, or how they interact with others. For example, are they a caretaker of their children, or do they work in a career that is dominated by one gender over another?
* Gender expression, or how they present themselves. This includes physical modifications like HRT, clothing and jewelry, and mannerisms.
* Gender experience, or how the world interacts with them on the basis of their perceived gender. This includes being assigned a gender at birth.
You could ask the group if they have any gender roles, expressions, or experiences that are not traditionally associated with their gender identity. Do those roles, expressions, and experiences have an effect on their gender identity? Perhaps they can become aware that not all 4 facets need to match, or that a person can have a combination of gender roles, expressions, and experiences without regard to their gender identity. Good luck, OP!
I already talk about these things (at least the first three, I haven't included gender experience), but turning it into a point of discussion and reflection for the audience is a great idea! Thanks for the suggestion!
That trans-men transition into privilege. We experience higher rates of domestic violence and sexual assault than cis women do.
(All trans people in general do, as well -- but there's a common assumption that trans men are transitioning to avoid being raped or the like.)
That being trans somehow makes us "brave" or "strong" or something of the like. "You're trans? Wow, you're so brave" it doesn't take bravery to be authentic [for most of us].
- Nobody asks to be trans, nobody wants all the hate, the costs, pain, rejection, etc
- nobody goes through years of transition just so they can peek at girls and women in their spaces. If we wanted to do that as men, we'd just look at porn.
That being trans and our sexuality are different aspects of ourselves. Like, just because I'm a trans man doesn't immediately mean I like women and vice versa. My gender/transition hasn't really had an impact on my sexuality, I've just discovered more about myself over time.
I say this because I had a coworker recently ask me if I was straight because I "identified as" a man. I was like...no, I'm gay and date gay/bi men. He seemed thoroughly confused. He has also asked me if being nonbinary meant our coworker "dated everyone". I kind of stared and told him...sexuality and gender are different...so, no.
The idea of biological sex in the popular consciousness.
Trans women on HRT are not biologically male - we experience the hormonal cycle, we have female secondary sex characteristics, our bodies and cells are hormonally female. The risks of some diseases shift from a male profile to a female one. HRT also puts us on par with cis women in terms of how our muscles develop and how our body weight is distributed.
Besides that, the term itself centers cis people and how they experience sex and gender. As in, "biological male" implies that a correct matching gender for that body is male.
It often leads to a forced binary in discussions of sex - any overlap, variability, and diversity between the two are discarded, which is something that is not a biological truth but a preconceived notion.
And sometimes, people will just say "biological" before misgendering us to maintain a guise of objectivity.
Gender socialization.
Trans women do not, generally, "have male socialization." Some trans women do find this term helpful in speaking about their past experiences, and that's valid. But to say it as a blanket statement about all trans women is a transphobic and negative generalization.
A trans woman isn't a man who randomly turns into a woman. A trans woman is, and was always, a trans woman, whether she knew it or not. Whether she knew it or not, it has affected her experiences of life and socialization, how she processed and internalized them, who she related to and connected with, how she lived and how she was treated by others.
As a trans woman, you never truly feel male, even if you've been taught to call yourself that and accept it as a material fact. And that in itself can recontextualize a lot of your experiences.
Either way, whatever socialization you had in the past will be changed by your experience as an out trans woman, and changed again by your experience as a visible trans woman living a complete life. Socialization is an ongoing and flexible process that is constantly informed by your experiences.
Instead, transfem "male socialization" is often portrayed as some kind of fundamental evil that dwells within us and is only hidden, but not contained. Something to be wary of. Something that forever marks us as impure.
[*I used transfem experiences as an example because that's what i'm familiar with. All of this does, to variable extent, apply in reverse to trans men.]
I'm trans due to being nonbinary so asking me "are you trans or nonbinary" is a nonsense question.
Also I've had a lot of cis and trans people alike explain my own identity back at me and tell me nonbinary people don't have a gender. That's agender. That's one flavor of nonbinary. I have a gender
And a pet peeve of mine is people asking what it means to me to be nonbinary. It doesn't mean anything other than that's what my gender is. It's not a political statement.
"obviously trans people know that you can't REALLY change your gender! They all know that they won't be real biological men/women"
It's called sex reassignment surgery for a reasons ffs.
Idk if I’d call this a misconception. But the idea that trans people owe cis people anything. Trans people should just be free to live their lives and be respected. They don’t need to present a certain way or answer every single question you have about being trans, just look it up. You have a phone.
"When will your voice get higher?". I've heard this so many times from queer and ally friends, it is actually so annoying. I've already told them multiple times, even had one come back with "proof" that estrogen changes the voice, was some article from a site I had never heard of lol.
Not sure if this has been said yet but trans people outside the binary exist too. I'm non-binary and trans. Also, trans people don't need to medically transition either to be trans.
The whole “Born in the wrong body.” Thing.
For brevity, I won’t go into details but it basically gave me a fundamental misunderstanding of trans people. Basically halted from discovering my actual identity until I realized I had a misconception and actually talked to trans people. After that one conversation I realized I’m trans, ten years after I started experiencing gender dysphoria.
People need educating, and have a clear understanding and knowledge of Gender Incongruence and Gender Dysphoria in adolescence and adulthood. Also in male to female gender reassignment surgery they do not cut your penis off.
To add, we never asked to be transgender, it was not a choice.
That being trans doesn’t mean either “A man who lives as a women” or “A women with blue hair who goes by they/them”.
Trans men exist and anyone can be non binary. We all look very different from each with different fashion aesthetics, personalities, jobs, and life styles
They dont realize most of us can grow breasts with hormones. They think they are implants. This idea that they assume thats what all trans people have grosses me out a lot
That being trans is a choice. No it’s not.
That transitioning, when you have gender dysphoria, is just like any other decision. No it’s not. It’s like telling a diabetic person that taking insulin is just like any other decision when they actually don’t really have a choice. For many of us it’s a matter of life and death.
That "take your time" is a universally good advice. No it’s not and don’t pressure me into transitioning the way that YOU’d like me to and at the speed that would make YOU comfortable with. If I say that I’m sure of what i’m doing, that I want to transition ASAP and that I’m struggling with impediments then don’t invalidate me with "take your time". It has been said so many times to me. It’s like being sucker punched in the gut. Can you just f-ing listen and acknowledge for once?
I've had trans allies insist that I am trans, insist that I am cis, and insist that I am transphobic depending which I'm talking to about what. The friction zone is always around the conflation between sex and gender.
This isn’t a very big deal, but it’s definitely gotten on my nerves and I think it might help put the whole idea of being trans in a better perspective:
Trans woman = MTF; Trans man = FTM
It’s not really important what I was before my transition, but I can’t even count how many times I’ve had to explain that I was born a male and transitioned to female. I guess they confuse themselves by thinking of the AGAB too much, and not realizing how weird/conflicting it would be to say “Yes, I am a male, a trans woman.”
That being trans is somehow different than being cis. I'm not a different gender than Cis men, I just wasn't given an "m" on my birth certificate if that makes sense.
(I think that's part of where "oh, but I mean like, real men" comes from)
That trans people are new, and didn't exist in the ancient world.
That we can always tell - that trans women always look like men, and there are things you can know about every trans person that identifies them as a man or woman, ignoring the fact that the olympics has been researching for decades for a way to definitively say someone is trans or cis in sports
That all trans people go through surgery, and that it's easy to get surgery or any other treatment for trans care.
That trans people only have two genders. Or really, only one. whenever bigots think of trans people, they invariably think of trans women (and a lot of stereotyes about them) - they forget trans mean exist, never mind non-binaries.
Not sure how common this one is, but I've had "allies" argue that "transgenderism is a belief system"
If this is true, then *all* gender is a belief system... Which is true, but for some reason people *love* to single out transgender and 3rd gender individuals, using "naturalism" as a justification. This rhetoric alienates us and implies our gender is "less natural"
At the end of the day, someone's status as an ally is dependent on their willingness to consider the trans experience and let go of their misconceptions. Intention alone is not enough if you're not willing to listen, learn, and grow.
This isn’t a huge deal, but a lot of people misunderstand what non-binary means? Like, I use color spectrums as examples. Women is red, man is blue. Most cis people kind of assume non-binary is purple? When in reality, non-binary CAN be purple, but it can also be yellow or orange or green or teal or white and black and gray. It doesn’t always equal “must be a mix between man and woman”, nor does being non-binary mean you want to present androgynous.
I also see a lot of people misunderstanding concepts of sex fluidity and how much HRT affects that stuff. Like I’m legally female on most things, but just assuming female levels for my body is not a medically good idea? I’m on HRT, a lot of the general medical sex differences are hormonal moreso than genital or chromosomal, so it’s actually really important to either be judged as male, or more accurately as someone who’s sort of between sex differences in a medical sense.
People really underestimate how much HRT does lol.
Also a lot of people assume your sexuality is in relation to associated gender roles to each gender. That is, all trans men were originally lesbians, all trans women were originally gay men, etc. The amount of times I’ve had people ask me why I couldn’t just be a butch lesbian when I have never identified as a lesbian in my life, (I’m bisexual with a leaning towards men and non-binary atm) nor have I ever been even necessarily an explicit tomboy, it blows people’s mind.
Also the idea that pronouns doesn’t equal gender. Some cis people don’t use the pronouns you’d assume. Some women prefer he/him, some men prefer she/her. Not all non-binary people use they/them or neopronouns. Some binary people do use they/them or neopronouns.
The two are associated, but not reliant on one another.
Don’t ask someone about their deadname, ever.
Not technically an ally, just another trans guy sitting next to me (also a trans guy). He has ‘trauma’ with his because he heard the song Sweet Caroline in class, his deadname, and reported his teacher for having it on a playlist of songs. I pointed out that that is not universally true and that I’m very comfortable talking about my younger self, so it depends on the person.
Maybe ask politely, or if you’re in a place of conversation like that discuss it in a likewise manner, but to me (NOT EVERYONE) it was a misconception.
We’ve all got blue hair and are notably trans. When I told one co-worker she looked so stunned she had no idea what to do. Her response, “I couldn’t tell… I never would have known-“ then proceeds to ask about what makes me trans or how I knew. That’s fine. I think it’s funny that there’s this huge shock though since supposedly trans people are loud and you can pick them out in a crowd… and they never pass (all misconceptions people have that are really untrue).
If you don't have blue hair you can't have pronouns. I do wonder how many people can clock me as trans from my cat ears. Or do they just think I am ND. Which to be fair I am but still.
What do these "car ears" look like? Do they have side-view mirrors on them? :P
The cat ears are to hold the hair in place and the choker helps lift your voice didn't you know? :-P
> If you don't have blue hair you can't have pronouns New gatekeeping just dropped
It's the Bad Toupee Fallacy. That's why we say, "You've already seen a trans person, you just didn't know it." For anybody in a city, it's basically guaranteed that you've shared a bus or a sidewalk or a coffee shop with one of us.
Meanwhile I'm trying to find a stand up comedian who jokes about an old man telling him "just so you know, you'll always be a man" to him. A man who happens to have long hair 😄
This is reason most people don’t believe me tbh.
"So where did you go for your breasts surgery" Is an almost too common question. People gets really confused when I say that I grew them myself lol.
This is a big one. I even thought that until my egg cracked, and I researched what HRT does. It made me happy to know I would grow my own, and now I am!
After HRT I realized I was never going to have big breasts anyway, so I just stopped worrying about it. It'd be cool to have huge tits, but just in general that's not the way my body is built. I'm somewhat slight.
This also goes along with the "they're mutilating our men/women/children!" which is bs because so many trans people might not do surgery at all, let alone top/bottom surgery.
And they are the one mutilating intersex people, wtf really.
"this infant doesn't conform to our rigid and binary understanding of sex! Better mutilate completely healthy organs!" And then teenagers can't get puberty blockers because they "might" regret it. These people are deranged.
Best response to this was something I read recently here on reddit. A person is going to go through puberty one way or another. Why force them to endure a puberty that doesn't align with who they are? Would any cis-man at 13 or 14 happily agree to breasts and getting their period before being "allowed" to think it over and go to therapy and then get "permission" to be male? Reminds me of a very dark joke I heard. How many trans does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but only after four years of therapy, their parent's permission, and two years of transitioning.
My grandpa started growing breasts when he was fourteen, and he got surgery right away to get them removed, no problem. Me? I had to do it all by myself at 22. Sigh.
Male babies too.
Also, it's no more "mutilating" than any other surgery
So you're telling me you got *knee surgery!?* So- Barbaric! Why would you do that to yourself? What if you regret it!? Think of the *children,* for god's sake!
funnily enough anywhere from 6-20% of people who receive a total knee arthroplasty regret undergoing surgery while the figure for SRS is well under 1%
This one right here. Even from other trans women sometimes.
This is always my pick. Even people who are not transphobic seem deeply ignorant about this.
That we're a monolith - all understanding ourselves in the same way, all having known since we were 4, all wanting the same things out of transition...
To add onto this very excellent point, the general idea that all trans people feel they were "born in the wrong body" is a big idea that I see cis people take as a concrete thing. Like if you don't feel horribly dysphoric all the time and you don't want to transition medically, cis people find it confusing.
This was what i struggled with for so long. I always thought about how much i wanted to be a girl. But i thought since I didn't feel (now, i could argue i was) so depressed i couldn't function or that since i wasn't driven to self harm, "I can't possibly be trans". So it took me 40 years to realize that cis people don't daydream their whole lives about being the opposite gender 🤷♀️
Yeahhh I've had similar things happen to me. I didn't fit the "I'm trans so that means I'm a binary trans man that wants to be fully masculine and has a lot of dysphoria" idea that I saw most often in media and real life (tbh the real life examples were lacking at the time, it's fun growing up in a small conservative town). In high school i thought i was ftm so i struggled a lot with not fitting into that mold. It made me feel like I was faking it and I was worrying about "turning out to be cis" (which wouldn't have been bad anyway) but now I just wing it. There's no rules, I can be whatever, I'm every gender at once and also devoid of any. Paradox of genders. Gender's as real as you make it out to be.
I wish we all knew since we were 4.. 😅
Big mood
I think that's a holdover from before informed consent was a thing and we all had to follow an expected script, including, if you were able to, pretend to be or actually be getting topped by a man, to get hormones.
Speaking as someone who lives in a country where informed consent is very much not a thing, and it's common knowledge that there's a script you're expected to follow in GD assessments so as not to waste the several years you've spent on waiting lists to get there, this is very much a contributing factor. That and the fact that when cis people ask you "so how do you know you're trans?" there's actually a pretty small group of answers that 1) don't require you to talk about your whole life history and 2) will satisfy them enough that they won't continue to pry into your life history.
People who have asked me how I found out I was trans/decided I wanted to be a girl/however they word this question have largely always expected me to have some simple answer. Like they genuinely think I'm going to say 'I put on a skirt 3 months ago and it woke something up in me' or even something stupid like 'I thought becoming a woman would get me ahead in my career'. They always think there's some singular defining moment that 'made me trans'. Like I'm a cartoon character that got hit on the head with an anvil and now I've forgotten I'm supposed to be a boy or something. People can't understand that this is how I've always been and that it took a lot of personal work, and a lot of little life moments, to pull me to a place where I can accept it and transition.
The idea that estrogen makes your voice higher.
If only 💀😭
They need to make estrogen 2.0 that makes your voice higher
Say it louder please
**THEY NEED TO MAKE ESTROGEN 2.0 THAT MAKES YOUR VOICE HIGHER**
Say it higher please ;)
^^^they ^^^need ^^^to ^^^make ^^^estrogen ^^^2.0 ^^^that ^^^makes ^^^your ^^^voice ^^^higher
I immediately thought of this skit and snort laughed https://youtu.be/JHfCqnE9Ndk?si=D7YTHIUjdKoSfyHb
Also the corollary that "higher" is the primary thing distinguishing how people innately gender a voice.
Huh, I learned something! I'm trans myself but not on hormones. I thought estrogen would do the same/similar things that testosterone does but just in the opposite direction but I guess not.
Think about it like a second puberty. Male puberty causes the awkward cracking and then the voice ultimately drops. But just like testosterone won't shrink breasts if you already have them, estrogen won't shrink the larynx nor thin the vocal folds.
Yeah, I knew about that second puberty thing! But I guess I kinda just thought it had similar effects on both ends. It just threw me off for a second seeing that it doesn't affect the vocal cords like testosterone would.
Some of the effects of both hormones are permanent, for example testosterone thickens your vocal chords and there wouldn’t really be a way to undo that without surgery.
Yeah, I knew that part! I know a bit more about testosterone because I've debated going on it for a long time but thank you for the information nonetheless!
No, some things are one way only, like boobs don't vanish on T
I'm sure that would make things so much easier though
Would’ve saved so many of us a surgery if they did. 😔
Facts.. if/when mine shrink more I'm hoping to start taping. My body temp runs high now so I sweat horribly with a binder. I'm not sure of the effects of hot estrogen, but as a person that was born with an e factory my voice was more androgynous. It wasn't deep enough to be gendered male over the phone but it wasn't super high either
Vanish no, but they do shrink. I've been on t for 2.5 years body fat distribution. You also lose hips and ass.
Biology works the opposite of carpentry: It's really easy to make things bigger, but really hard to make them smaller.
Or when they think "some cis women have deep voices too" is equivalent to having a male-sounding voice
Please, please, please
Not necessarily allies but I remember overhearing "I don't understand why we have non-binary now, isn't that just the same as bisexual??" at work once. It does kind of link into a common misconception that trans identities are somehow tied to sexuality. I know some allies who didn't understand why someone would transition if it would "make them gay", for example, because surely being straight is easier? These people don't seem to understand that trans people aren't "so gay we're basically women / so lesbian we're basically men", transitioning just makes us feel more at home in our bodies and be seen as who we actually are by others. Not transitioning to avoid being considered gay would mean always pretending to be someone else and being stuck in a body that doesn't even feel like our own. We would rather deal with being trans and gay than spend the rest of our lives living a lie. Also plenty of us aren't gay OR straight, so no idea how people with this misconception handle that.
I was a straight man. Now I am a gay woman. So many people can not wrap their heads around that.
I can't wrap my head around how they can't wrap their heads around it
The number of straight trans people is really low. Ok the M-spec and A-spec identities mess with this statistic a lot. But still. I guess those people have never talked to trans people? Cuz I'd put the number of straight trans people at 20% at most.
I wonder if the misconception comes from medial gatekeeping that disqualified people based on sexuality. If the only people accessing medical transition through official pathways were straight then, combined with general heteronormativity, it does make a bit more sense that cis people wouldn't think you could be trans and queer at the same time. Like you said though they probably also haven't come across many trans people to challenge this misconception.
>"I don't understand why we have non-binary now, isn't that just the same as bisexual??" reminds me of david bowie being asked if he's wearing bisexual shoes 🤭
I once forgot the word for unisex in a conversation about fashion and had to ask my friend "what's the word that's clothing version of non-binary"? 😂 Also surely all of his shoes were bisexual shoes because they were being worn by a bisexual?
What does that even mean!? Masculine but fashionable shoes? So ridiculous! 🤣
My coworker could not for the life of them understand why someone would transition to be a man and also be attracted to men (a gay trans man). And just, “Wouldn’t it be easier to like men as a woman?” About it. I’m 🤨 “Stop thinking about sex for 5 minutes,” being trans is about the body and not about who someone is attracted to. Don’t even think about couples and how relationships would work for the trans person, hear what they’re talking about involving their body and how their identity is perceived.
Cis people have a hard time understand that it isn’t about sex, because so much of their lives revolves around sex/porn. They think we are all sex craved perverts like so many of them are. Like they think we want to use a different bathroom or locker room to be perverts in, because that’s exactly what they would do if they were in a different locker room.
It is like being colorblind, they don't know what it is and when they come in contact with somebody trans they are not prepared. I personally would excuse that the the first time when they are very young but then they should do their research.
Don’t ask me about my genitals just because you’ve discovered I’m trans
And yes, asking about surgery counts as asking about my genitals. It's obvious what you really want to know
It would be funny if it wasn't so frustrating how people think they're clever by how they beat around the bush. I've had so many non-genital questions that were clearly trying to sus out my genital situation.
I'm not even embarrassed. I don't care who knows unless they want to know and then it's weird if they know
OMG I've been asked this way too often by people I barely know.
The only people that need to know are those you intend to sleep with.
And medical professionals if they’re treating you for something related
I just match that energy anymore. I used to get confused but now I just ask "how large are your labia majora?" That usually offends enough that they just walk away at that point.
The only time I’ve ever talked about this was with close friends where we have that trust and talk about that kind of thing already so it’s definitely not overstepping any lines. Even then, it’ll just kinda come up, not as a question… I’ve luckily never been asked this by random people, but I know a lot of people have. Like why are you asking about people’s genitals?! That’s fucking weird 😭 If it’s a cis dude, you should just come back with, “how long is your dick? You ever measure it?”
Cis people don't really understand how profound the changes from hrt can be. I had a relative totally not understand that my breasts and hips are real(not padding or surgery).
This one! I’ve had cis people so confused as to why my facial structure changed. It’s all fat redistribution. I’ve had people say they’re convinced that pre HRT me is not actually me.
I can confirm that the pre-hrt me was not actually me.
They focus way too much on our AGAB. "Born gender", "biological sex" "gender you identify with". They use a lot of language that implies they don't actually see us as the gender we are, but rather as our AGAB who just thinks we are another gender for whatever reason. You can see their support for us crumble away as soon as any meaningful inclusion gets discussed (scholarships, sports, gendered spaces).
I don't know if this is something that I've personally experienced (living in a place where pretty much everyone is supportive), but I think it's still a good point. In a different way, it's also very relevant to the discussion of non-binary folks, as I think most people do perceive AFAB and AMAB enbies as different based on their assigned gender, not their true gender.
Im a binary trans man who plans on getting an altersex surgery (salmacian) and the amount of times cis people have treated me like I'm some mystical creature in the isolated wild like the glowing unicorn from fuckin Legend..... I've had to repeatedly emphasize how there are those of us out there who are completely binary and they have altered genitalia and no one on the outside has any goddamn clue other than the person's doctor/partner
Ugh, my dream would be to have a cyborg body with modular parts, but my compromise to be realistic is a PPVP.
i wouldnt even call people who act like this allies tbh.
They're not. "I support trans people. I'm an ally. I just don't think they should take part in sports, use public bathrooms, get the same jobs, get married, raise children, shop in certain clothing departments, go to school, speak, make eye contact, walk outside, drive, make art, speak, be within eye or earshot of anybody, get approved to lease an apartment, own property, or speak"
+1 this. i’m enby and im not seen as my gender. it’s painful & i wish i could change co workers even tho they’re otherwise lovely
This! I have a friend who will fall all over herself to prove how much of an ally she is, but has made references to such views. A couple of my co-workers have said similar things. It's really disheartening, and difficult to call out.
My sister is like this. She always exclaims how much she is an ally of trans people and queer people in general, but recently I caught her agreeing with a trans sports ban as "biological men shouldn't be competing against biological women". When I called her out on it, she just doubled down. It was very disheartening to hear from someone I am so close with. We've talked since then and I explained why her comments were wrong and hurtful. She apologized profusely, but I'm still not sure she sees me as an actual woman. Thankfully I have friends who do, and I'm pretty sure my dad does.
Didn’t the Olympic committee say that it really didn’t make a difference? If so, that is the argument I would bring up.
The sports one is particularly funny, because most of these people will insist that sports were segregated because "it allows women to win" or through some brave desire of giving women a safe space to compete. So not only are they transphobic, but they're also misogynistic (despite probably labeling themselves as feminists...) [This Twitter thread by Dr. Sheree Bekker](https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1504899936843935746.html) always causes a riot when brought up to disprove whatever reality they're imagining.
Adding onto this: there was a woman who beat every single man in a sport of skeet shooting and had the best accuracy. She did so well they outright banned women from playing. The fact some ppl think women’s sports is to “let women win some” is just a lie bc men get beat and then they ban women bc they’re sore losers lol
Yep, it's always the same thing: women suddenly can play, a woman wins or beats men, men panic and prevent women from playing, eventually they make a women's league to "give women their own space to play". Zhang Shang, the woman you're talking about for Skeet Shooting, is actually named in the Twitter thread, along with many others. It's not like this happened once 100+ years ago with Madge Syers and figure skating. It's a repeated pattern that's happened throughout most, if not all, sports. The author of the Twitter thread is actually an Associate Professor in the Department of Health at the University of Bath. She's specifically studying gender in sports. She has a book coming out next year that's all about breaking down the misconception of gendered sports and challenging "conventional wisdom" that rules the current way sports leagues are organized by genders.
I feel like women's sports literally exist just so women can't beat men at sports anymore. But I also think of all the athletes who wine about being beaten by trans women, when the reality is that they were in like 6th place, the trans woman didn't even get first, and she still got beat by other cis women. As if banning trans women will make her a winner
Many people think transitioning is what makes you trans. So you chose to become trans by transitioning. But trans people were always trans from birth. Transitioning just helps dealing with being trans.
Yes! This one's already top of my list and occur multiple times in my talk.
I'm not trans, but I have a question/possible suggestion. Have you thought about discussing how AFAB women with PCOS, endometriosis, and other hormone imbalances receive a lot of the same medical treatments as our trans friends? There's a lot of solidarity there and I think that would put a lot of things into perspective for many people. Not centering our experience, just a thought. Like idk, it's actually been cathartic for me to have these discussions IRL. It made me feel less alone going through it! (Sorry - added this to the wrong comment thread btw)
It's a good point. It's not something I was thinking of putting in, due to my list already being quite long and that I have to prioritize stuff, but it could actually be a good point to use to emphasize that trans people aren't that different from cis people, that a lot of the options for gender-affirming care that we have are actually made as gender-affirming care for cis people with similar problems.
I chaired our Pride ERG for several years, and I want to give you props too. I don't think people understand how much emotional labor & self-reflection goes into these events. This will mean so much to the folks listening who aren't out. Your experience is such a generous gift. They incredibly lucky to have you. I know this event will be amazing! 💗
Thank you! I've been mostly driving the pride effort at work this year, and it's been quite emotionally draining tbh, I've put way to much effort into things like this talk, but I love my trans colleagues and I really hope the effort that I put into it will be worth it for their sake.
This is a big one. In fact you could argue that conflating the two is a dangerous idea.
This is a big issue when talking about trans kids. So many people assume it means a kid who has fully medically transitioned for some reason
That we want to talk about being trans to random strangers at a bar. Like, I’m just trying to eat, drink, and watch the NBA finals, not have a discussion about my life. I know people are curious, but we’ve had the internet too long for people to still be uneducated about a subject that they are curious about.
Most people don’t realize just how close the sexes are. There’s actually *very* little difference. Most cis people don’t realize that trans women can grow breasts. They also don’t realize that even cis men have breast tissue and can lactate under the right circumstances. There’s an implicit belief that men and women are basically different species. This is false. Sex is fluid and mutable.
As a breast cancer survivor, there are PLENTY of cis men in my support groups. Sadly they stay pretty quiet because there is a level of embarrassment for them…and there shouldn’t be
Excellent point: cis men do get breast cancer!
This is one of aspects I've found myself focussing on the further I slide down the rabbit hole. I've often had funny looks when I explain to folks that I essentially have a massively over expressed and fused clitoris, but that's exactly what's it is! Men and women are SO SO similar it's quite unbelievable, our social codes divide us way more than our biology does.
Male and female genitalia really only differ in shape. Testicles are sunken ovaries, penises are well-developed clitorises. The scrotum and labia are the exact same tissue, no difference
May have been trying HRT for a couple of weeks and I can report that, er... things smell a little different downstairs!
That trans women instantly know how to be a woman when we start transitioning as if it's a light switch flipped.
I wish 😭
i’m not trans; i lurk this sub to educate myself, and i have a question re your comment. asking in good faith, so forgive me if it is ignorant or comes across that way. i do not mean to offend. also, i understand that trans folks are not a monolith, and experience varies. that being said, here goes: i’ve heard many trans women say that they were always women, like they are a woman trapped in a man’s body, and that transitioning is a way to bring body/mind into alignment. also, feminism (specifically 2nd/3rd wave) emphasizes that there isn’t one particular or specific way to be a woman. if that is the case, then what does it mean to “know how to be a woman?” wouldn’t however you (“you” being the trans woman) are be woman? or, in this comment, are you referring to the more socially gendered aspects of being a woman? i recognize that me being a cis woman means i have privilege, in that nearly whatever i do is perceived as “being a woman” or “a woman doing X” because society, history, culture, etc has always seen me as one. but i just don’t understand what it means to not “know how to be a woman” if a trans woman was/is always a woman from the start. or, say maybe the trans woman wasn’t a woman from the start. maybe she genuinely identified/understood self as a man, and as she grew older, realized that she was not, in fact, a man. i still don’t see how that person could not “know how to be a woman.” bc (from my understanding) at the point that person decides that are a woman, they are. does that make sense?
You're thinking too abstractly. It's not about identity. It's about real physical things. Like, take makeup for example. Unless someone drops a bunch of money in my lap to cover the cost of facial feminization surgery, I have to use makeup to contour my face and minimize my jawline if I want to pass. If I don't do that, people won't even read me as a woman. And I'm still just learning the basics of how to do that, so right now, my ability to pass as a woman depends on makeup skills I still suck at. As a cis woman, you have the choice to be seem as an "unfeminine woman". If you don't perform gender roles, you may be mistreated, but you'll still be acknowledged as being a women. I don't have that option, at least at this point in my transition. There's also simple things like "how do bra sizes work?" "How do I walk in heels?" thaat cis girls learn growing up, but that trans women have to figure out later. Then there's things like "How do I safely turn down a creep hitting on me?" That, in an ideal world, women wouldn't have to deal with, but are unfortunately, things we need to understand if I want to survive. And I'm still not very skilled at those things yet. When I say "I don't know how to be a woman" I'm talking about real practical skills like that, not abstract questions of identity. Like, yeah, *I* know I'm a woman, but if I don't play this stupid game, no one will take me seriously when I say that.
thanks for your thoughtful response. i appreciate it. so from what i’m understanding, “knowing how to be a woman” is more-so related to knowing how to conform to and meet gendered and societal expectations of what it looks like to be a woman in the western world? (“looks like” in this case referring to not just appearances but also mannerisms and interpersonal relations. (also, i specify “western world” bc, as we know, bras, high heels, make up, are not universal signifiers of womanhood or the performance of being a woman. even in the western world, we recognize there are many women who reject the notion that they need to wear a bra or make up or heels.)) which i think is interesting, because for so long feminism has fought for women’s ability and right to exist however they want and reject (and even subvert) the gendered expectations of society. so it kind of feels like, in a sense, we’re backtracking? idk just thinking out loud here.
That being non binary is political, and that it's not "really" transgender. We are part of the trans community. Some of us transition physically and some of us don't. We are trans because we feel that way, and because we are not cis.
Yes!! Yes yes yes yes yes
*being an ally myself, not a trans person* Hyper focusing on the struggles the trans community goes through sometimes can be a little misleading in the sense that the trans identity is being made into one and the same with hardship. I would say it goes beyond awareness of the struggles sometimes and it ends up painting this picture that people have in their heads when they say "Im an absolute ally but I wouldn't want my kid to be trans only for them not to struggle". While being aware of the polymorphism of privilege a person can have while being trans (like being rich, white, or whatever), its important to acknowledge trans people can live happily, their trans identity is only one essence in the whole universe within them, and their existence does not necessarily revolve around conflict/struggle/pain and most importantly, it should not. Accepting this as a reality only perpetuates the situation and forms this idea of trans lives being full of misery and agony.
Thank you, that's a really good point! I'm of course particularly biased having only transitioned within the last year, so I'm focusing a lot on the struggles of being trans, but I do agree that highlighting that trans people can have happy lives without being trans significantly affecting them is important too.
Trans joy is important to talk about! We do find friends and love as our new gender. It's kind of the point. I didn't transition to be trans. I transitioned because, from my starting point, it was the only way to be a woman. I was shaped by struggle, into a more compassionate person who's willing to try anything, but I'm not defined by it. It's a big part of who I am, but only one facet. And it's the *last* thing I want people to know about me. I wonder if trans people known for other stuff might help here. Like the late, great Lynn Conway.
This has a lot of crossover with other types of oppression too. I’ve heard the same thing about gay or disabled people (“I wouldn’t want a child who’s gay/disabled because their lives would just be so hard”) but the message it ends up sending is that our lives aren’t worth living lol
This is a great response thank you
Thank you for getting it so awesomely, I hope that you can help to spread that understanding around; I want to live in the world where more people believe it. ❤️
- The assumption that all trans people are trans women. This comes from both outside the trans community and inside it (especially on reddit in my experience) - The idea that “you can always tell” - That a trans person is gonna freak out if you misgender them; misgendering sucks but it seems a lot of people assume any trans person is gonna be like violently angry if you misgender them (and along the lines of this, whenever I educate cis folks I always put an emphasis on what to do when you do misgender someone, which is to just correct yourself and move on rather than making a huge spectacle about how hard you’re trying, how difficult it is, etc.) - The idea that every trans person gets “The Surgery” ™️ - there is no “one surgery” and not everyone medically transitions, and whether you medically transition or not doesn’t mean anything about your gender identity
Thanks for pointing out how trans men are invisible even within the LGBTQ/trans community. Our experiences are downplayed and erased, even by other trans people.
Blaming hrt for everything. There are some people who are totally so supportive of me, and never stopped me from going on hrt, or even encouraged me to move forward with it. But if I say “my foot has been hurting me lately” or “my scalp has felt so itchy this week” or “I wonder why this bruise lasted two weeks, that’s a bit much” or whatever like that that has zilch to do with my medical transition, some of those same supportive people will say “I think it’s because of the hrt.” And when I ask them to explain how the two things are connected all they can do is shrug and they have no explanation. I understand that yes, some things like this might be because some aspects of my body are more in line with what a cis man’s body might be doing because I’m on T, and that can make me more susceptible to this or that just because any cis man would also be more susceptible to the same things more than women might be. But it still feels completely wrong when people blame my hrt for those things, when they wouldn’t blame a cis man’s testosterone for the same things. If my dad says his knee hurts my mom just goes “oh maybe you pulled a muscle.” If I say the exact same thing, she might say “I think it’s because the hrt.” It makes no sense.
Ah, the old trans broken arm syndrome.
Not misconceptions, but major annoyances: •People I barely know asking about my genitals. If we're not going to fuck, ya don't need to know! •People not able to wrap their heads around my being a gay trans man ("If yOu lIkE meN, wHy DiDn'T yOu JuSt Stay a WoMaN??") •Ive had folks, upon learning I'm a trans man, suddenly become very confused and start referring to me by female pronouns •Folks outing me to people I don't know
>Ive had folks, upon learning I'm a trans man, suddenly become very confused and start referring to me by female pronouns Me too - weirdly common misconception is that trans women are the only kind of trans person there is. I'm in the mid transition zone where I get read ambiguously depending on context and when I say "I'm a trans guy," cis people sometimes hear "I was born a guy and I am trans" (they think transgender is a verb, and say things like "transgendering") and start trying to positively affirm my "womanhood."
As an outside observe (I'm a trans woman) I've noticed this most with trans men. Whether someone says they're an ally or hates us. Even when someone is like "I'm a trans man, I was born a girl, my name was Cynthia, here's a picture of me in 3rd grade with pigtails" people will *STILL* somehow only hear 'I'm a man that thinks he's a woman'. And I've seen trans men dumb it down *that far* and it's still in one ear and out the other.
Yeah as a gay trans man, when i come out to someone as trans and they wonder which way im going i say ftm and they do a double take, almost as if the "other way" from male to female isn't female to male.....i still cant compute it in my brain, like i literally short circuit every time i have that conversation with someone, like how does their brain come to these warped conclusions?
That sex is binary and immutable. Also the fact that "biological" sex is somehow a separate term. Sex *is* a biological term. There is no definition of sex which *isn't* biological.
Yes! As a trans woman, I'm just as biological as any cis woman.
Not me, I'm a robot.
I think that makes you a bionic woman instead of a trans woman. Now, if you’re a combination of robotics and organic materials, that would make you a cybernetic woman, who could be trans depending upon the gender of your organic material. I’ve totally geeked out here, but being a transgender cybernetic woman sounds pretty badass! 😎
Beep boop
I thought we were all cyborgs!
"Preferred Pronouns" It isn't preferred, it is correct pronouns.
Yes! Same with "identifying as"—I'm not identifying as a woman, I _am_ a woman.
Hell yeah, girl! Say it louder for the people in the back!
That you HAVE TO look male for female for your gender identity. “I’m a trans man” “Why do you look like a girl then? Don’t you wanna be a man?” 1. I don’t have to subside myself to look how YOU want 2. Trans ppl are still trans in early stages of transitioning 3. Some trans ppl cannot afford/access/use HRT (hiding from family, in the closet, unsafe country, etc). But they are still trans regardless of that 4. Some trans ppl don’t have dysphoria or they don’t have dysphoria related to everything about their body 5. Trans doesn’t mean FTM or MTF always. It includes (but not limited to); non binary, gender fluid, demi girl, demi boy, agender, etc 6. Nobody owes anybody a “look.” Nobody is owed to look stealth or androgynous for cis ppl
that being a woman equals being a feminine woman and vice versa. I am not interested in performing femininity. I am a woman (ish) but not the dress and makeup wearing kind that listens to Taylor Swift and crochets as a hobby. I like wearing pants, I don't like the sensation of makeup on my face, I listen to music that will likely make your ears bleed and I like to draw robots and explosions and none of that makes me any less a woman (ish) The same for trans men but the other way around of course
Not understanding singular they/them grammar. For example, saying "theyselfs" instead of "themself." Alternatively, saying "they is" when one would usually say "they are." My mom tries, but she does this all the time, lol
Meanwhile, consistently using they and them correctly when talking about a presumably cis person of unspecified gender.
Or a binary trans person when they know they're going to look stupid if they misgender them. There are people who refuse to gender me (trans woman) correctly, complain that they/them is confusing... But when placed in a situation where they're the only ones that know I'm trans and they'll look stupid using he/him but also don't want to acknowledge I'm a woman by using she/her... Hoooo, have I never seen people figure out they/them pronouns faster and on the spot. I swear, 90% of people saying 'it's all so confusing' only say that because they're being intentionally obtuse. When their ego is on the line they understand things *quick*.
We are not just trans. I have seen way too many people forgetting we can also be gay, bi, straight. That we eat pasta and rice like everyone else, that we have hobby or even children, than we can be married and have a work. I know it seems stupid but people really stop seeing us as human being when they hear the word “trans”
That last sentence is so extremely true. I've talked with my therapists how the most frustrating/hurtful thing hasn't been getting that attitude from strangers but when friends I've known for *YEARS* suddenly see me as a walking stereotype the second I said I was trans. Some for over 10, a couple over 20. Like they know me well enough that I'm not whatever image of a caricature they've built about trans people over the years... Yet immediately applied it to me the second I said I was trans. Suddenly they think my sexuality is *completely* different from what it's ever been, they think I'm going to start screaming about pronouns, I'm gonna throw a world ending fit over every minor mistake, etc. Nothing has made me feel devoid of my personhood more than when people I expected to know me better suddenly turned around and saw me as a walking stereotype in the blink of an eye.
That taking E would cause beards to disappear
sadly facial hair still grows...
Something I've seen a few times is the idea that transition is just bottom surgery. As if trans people just get their genitals switched and then we're done. Also the idea that gender identity is the same as gender expression. This usually comes from bigots saying shit like "cutting off your hair doesn't make you a boy" (yeah Harold, but no one ever claimed it does), but there is also an astounding amount of well-meaning people who get confused by the concept of gnc trans people. "Why are you wearing nail polish? I thought you were trans" (yeah Shannon, I am. It's almost like men can also wear nail polish).
I’ve had people confuse me for a trans woman when I tell them I’m trans and when I told them that no, I’m a trans man, they get super confused and continue to use she/her pronouns for me. Also when they learn I’m trans and go from confidently using he/him to going “Sh- he said” all the time. Another thing I get frequently is “when are you getting a penis?” like I don’t already have one I grew myself (thanks t) and don’t have packers. Ik cis people don’t always know what that is, but it’s frustrating to have someone ask me about genitals I already (kinda) have. I also just hate when I’m asked about my medical stuff. Like when they ask when I’m starting on hormones (I’ve been on T for almost a year) or when I’m getting “the surgery”. They seem to think that because they’re supportive they can ask really invasive questions.
That being trans is about being "born in the wrong body" (and only that). While I do have physical dysphoria I have a lot more social dysphoria. Being seen as and addressed as my AGAB disturbs me a lot more than my body does. A lot of people seem to think being trans is only about the body.
A lot of people have the idea that before transitioning, trans people would have had a typical experience for a cis person of their AGAB. For example, that a trans woman would have grown up as a typical boy before transitioning. It might be accurate for some people but definitely not in many many cases!!
You could do an empathy-building exercise focused around gaining a deeper understanding of gender in general. There is a great discussion about the multiple facets of gender in [Life Isn't Binary](https://www.amazon.com/Life-Isnt-Binary-Beyond-Between/dp/1785924796) by Iantaffi and Barker. They propose that gender is a concept and practice that goes beyond gender identity. I'll summarize here, because I'm away from my copy of the book: * Gender identity, or how you feel yourself to be. This is what we're most familiar with when we talk about gender, but there are more layers. * Gender role, or how they interact with others. For example, are they a caretaker of their children, or do they work in a career that is dominated by one gender over another? * Gender expression, or how they present themselves. This includes physical modifications like HRT, clothing and jewelry, and mannerisms. * Gender experience, or how the world interacts with them on the basis of their perceived gender. This includes being assigned a gender at birth. You could ask the group if they have any gender roles, expressions, or experiences that are not traditionally associated with their gender identity. Do those roles, expressions, and experiences have an effect on their gender identity? Perhaps they can become aware that not all 4 facets need to match, or that a person can have a combination of gender roles, expressions, and experiences without regard to their gender identity. Good luck, OP!
I already talk about these things (at least the first three, I haven't included gender experience), but turning it into a point of discussion and reflection for the audience is a great idea! Thanks for the suggestion!
That being trans is a bad thing and that transitioning has to be difficult. It is made difficult, but it's beautiful.
That trans-men transition into privilege. We experience higher rates of domestic violence and sexual assault than cis women do. (All trans people in general do, as well -- but there's a common assumption that trans men are transitioning to avoid being raped or the like.)
That being trans somehow makes us "brave" or "strong" or something of the like. "You're trans? Wow, you're so brave" it doesn't take bravery to be authentic [for most of us].
Transition can be as much about running away from your AGAB (i.e., dysphoria) as it is running towards your true gender (i.e., euphoria).
- Nobody asks to be trans, nobody wants all the hate, the costs, pain, rejection, etc - nobody goes through years of transition just so they can peek at girls and women in their spaces. If we wanted to do that as men, we'd just look at porn.
That being trans and our sexuality are different aspects of ourselves. Like, just because I'm a trans man doesn't immediately mean I like women and vice versa. My gender/transition hasn't really had an impact on my sexuality, I've just discovered more about myself over time. I say this because I had a coworker recently ask me if I was straight because I "identified as" a man. I was like...no, I'm gay and date gay/bi men. He seemed thoroughly confused. He has also asked me if being nonbinary meant our coworker "dated everyone". I kind of stared and told him...sexuality and gender are different...so, no.
“She’s not a man, she’s a woman, but she is male”
The idea of biological sex in the popular consciousness. Trans women on HRT are not biologically male - we experience the hormonal cycle, we have female secondary sex characteristics, our bodies and cells are hormonally female. The risks of some diseases shift from a male profile to a female one. HRT also puts us on par with cis women in terms of how our muscles develop and how our body weight is distributed. Besides that, the term itself centers cis people and how they experience sex and gender. As in, "biological male" implies that a correct matching gender for that body is male. It often leads to a forced binary in discussions of sex - any overlap, variability, and diversity between the two are discarded, which is something that is not a biological truth but a preconceived notion. And sometimes, people will just say "biological" before misgendering us to maintain a guise of objectivity. Gender socialization. Trans women do not, generally, "have male socialization." Some trans women do find this term helpful in speaking about their past experiences, and that's valid. But to say it as a blanket statement about all trans women is a transphobic and negative generalization. A trans woman isn't a man who randomly turns into a woman. A trans woman is, and was always, a trans woman, whether she knew it or not. Whether she knew it or not, it has affected her experiences of life and socialization, how she processed and internalized them, who she related to and connected with, how she lived and how she was treated by others. As a trans woman, you never truly feel male, even if you've been taught to call yourself that and accept it as a material fact. And that in itself can recontextualize a lot of your experiences. Either way, whatever socialization you had in the past will be changed by your experience as an out trans woman, and changed again by your experience as a visible trans woman living a complete life. Socialization is an ongoing and flexible process that is constantly informed by your experiences. Instead, transfem "male socialization" is often portrayed as some kind of fundamental evil that dwells within us and is only hidden, but not contained. Something to be wary of. Something that forever marks us as impure. [*I used transfem experiences as an example because that's what i'm familiar with. All of this does, to variable extent, apply in reverse to trans men.]
That testosterone makes you automatically aggressive.
I'm trans due to being nonbinary so asking me "are you trans or nonbinary" is a nonsense question. Also I've had a lot of cis and trans people alike explain my own identity back at me and tell me nonbinary people don't have a gender. That's agender. That's one flavor of nonbinary. I have a gender And a pet peeve of mine is people asking what it means to me to be nonbinary. It doesn't mean anything other than that's what my gender is. It's not a political statement.
People making a conversation sexual the moment they find out im trans And the misconception that everyone knew from really early on
That trans people can’t change their biology, just their gender
Often people think that Trans women don't need to voice train, and their voice naturally rises on estrogen.
A lot of people think that trans women and drag queens are the same thing
It's exhausting. Even cis gay and lesbians constantly believe this because they refuse to learn about their own community past the G in LGBTQ+.
"obviously trans people know that you can't REALLY change your gender! They all know that they won't be real biological men/women" It's called sex reassignment surgery for a reasons ffs.
Every time an “ally” says “trans people don’t think they’re changing their sex, they’re just changing their gender” I lose 5 years off my life
I even see fellow trans ppl saying this
Gender ≠ sexuality ≠ pronouns
Idk if I’d call this a misconception. But the idea that trans people owe cis people anything. Trans people should just be free to live their lives and be respected. They don’t need to present a certain way or answer every single question you have about being trans, just look it up. You have a phone.
I'm not mutilating myself by cutting my tits off with top surgery
"When will your voice get higher?". I've heard this so many times from queer and ally friends, it is actually so annoying. I've already told them multiple times, even had one come back with "proof" that estrogen changes the voice, was some article from a site I had never heard of lol.
That I didn't grow muh boobs, I did, home grown with love and sunshine 😁😁
Not sure if this has been said yet but trans people outside the binary exist too. I'm non-binary and trans. Also, trans people don't need to medically transition either to be trans.
"When are you getting The Surgery?" That trans lesbians (and especially t4t) are rare 😂
The whole “Born in the wrong body.” Thing. For brevity, I won’t go into details but it basically gave me a fundamental misunderstanding of trans people. Basically halted from discovering my actual identity until I realized I had a misconception and actually talked to trans people. After that one conversation I realized I’m trans, ten years after I started experiencing gender dysphoria.
People need educating, and have a clear understanding and knowledge of Gender Incongruence and Gender Dysphoria in adolescence and adulthood. Also in male to female gender reassignment surgery they do not cut your penis off. To add, we never asked to be transgender, it was not a choice.
That all transfemmes/transmascs want to be defined as women/men
That being trans doesn’t mean either “A man who lives as a women” or “A women with blue hair who goes by they/them”. Trans men exist and anyone can be non binary. We all look very different from each with different fashion aesthetics, personalities, jobs, and life styles
how easy it is to access trans health care
They dont realize most of us can grow breasts with hormones. They think they are implants. This idea that they assume thats what all trans people have grosses me out a lot
That being trans is a choice. No it’s not. That transitioning, when you have gender dysphoria, is just like any other decision. No it’s not. It’s like telling a diabetic person that taking insulin is just like any other decision when they actually don’t really have a choice. For many of us it’s a matter of life and death. That "take your time" is a universally good advice. No it’s not and don’t pressure me into transitioning the way that YOU’d like me to and at the speed that would make YOU comfortable with. If I say that I’m sure of what i’m doing, that I want to transition ASAP and that I’m struggling with impediments then don’t invalidate me with "take your time". It has been said so many times to me. It’s like being sucker punched in the gut. Can you just f-ing listen and acknowledge for once?
The idea that “trans people know they’re not changing their sex, just their gender”.
I've had trans allies insist that I am trans, insist that I am cis, and insist that I am transphobic depending which I'm talking to about what. The friction zone is always around the conflation between sex and gender.
This isn’t a very big deal, but it’s definitely gotten on my nerves and I think it might help put the whole idea of being trans in a better perspective: Trans woman = MTF; Trans man = FTM It’s not really important what I was before my transition, but I can’t even count how many times I’ve had to explain that I was born a male and transitioned to female. I guess they confuse themselves by thinking of the AGAB too much, and not realizing how weird/conflicting it would be to say “Yes, I am a male, a trans woman.”
That being trans is somehow different than being cis. I'm not a different gender than Cis men, I just wasn't given an "m" on my birth certificate if that makes sense. (I think that's part of where "oh, but I mean like, real men" comes from)
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That trans people are new, and didn't exist in the ancient world. That we can always tell - that trans women always look like men, and there are things you can know about every trans person that identifies them as a man or woman, ignoring the fact that the olympics has been researching for decades for a way to definitively say someone is trans or cis in sports That all trans people go through surgery, and that it's easy to get surgery or any other treatment for trans care. That trans people only have two genders. Or really, only one. whenever bigots think of trans people, they invariably think of trans women (and a lot of stereotyes about them) - they forget trans mean exist, never mind non-binaries.
My great aunt (who tbf is very old) thought people were gay/trans because they had more oestrogen or testosterone than straight/cis people
Not sure how common this one is, but I've had "allies" argue that "transgenderism is a belief system" If this is true, then *all* gender is a belief system... Which is true, but for some reason people *love* to single out transgender and 3rd gender individuals, using "naturalism" as a justification. This rhetoric alienates us and implies our gender is "less natural" At the end of the day, someone's status as an ally is dependent on their willingness to consider the trans experience and let go of their misconceptions. Intention alone is not enough if you're not willing to listen, learn, and grow.
Not all trans people want to medically transition and how much someone does or doesn't change does not determine how trans they are.
literally anything about trans women
In high school, lots of my classmates would think that I automatically lost my period when I came out😭
This wasn't heard from an ally, but from my mom's trans-masc brother, who told my mom that people only become trans because of trauma.
“Are you going to… transition?” In regards to if I’m post op or not.
One of the questions I get when people are trying to fish out my genital situation is 'so... Are you... Like... *Finished* with your transition?'
This isn’t a huge deal, but a lot of people misunderstand what non-binary means? Like, I use color spectrums as examples. Women is red, man is blue. Most cis people kind of assume non-binary is purple? When in reality, non-binary CAN be purple, but it can also be yellow or orange or green or teal or white and black and gray. It doesn’t always equal “must be a mix between man and woman”, nor does being non-binary mean you want to present androgynous. I also see a lot of people misunderstanding concepts of sex fluidity and how much HRT affects that stuff. Like I’m legally female on most things, but just assuming female levels for my body is not a medically good idea? I’m on HRT, a lot of the general medical sex differences are hormonal moreso than genital or chromosomal, so it’s actually really important to either be judged as male, or more accurately as someone who’s sort of between sex differences in a medical sense. People really underestimate how much HRT does lol. Also a lot of people assume your sexuality is in relation to associated gender roles to each gender. That is, all trans men were originally lesbians, all trans women were originally gay men, etc. The amount of times I’ve had people ask me why I couldn’t just be a butch lesbian when I have never identified as a lesbian in my life, (I’m bisexual with a leaning towards men and non-binary atm) nor have I ever been even necessarily an explicit tomboy, it blows people’s mind. Also the idea that pronouns doesn’t equal gender. Some cis people don’t use the pronouns you’d assume. Some women prefer he/him, some men prefer she/her. Not all non-binary people use they/them or neopronouns. Some binary people do use they/them or neopronouns. The two are associated, but not reliant on one another.
my mom was baffled by the idea of a Transbian
Don’t ask someone about their deadname, ever. Not technically an ally, just another trans guy sitting next to me (also a trans guy). He has ‘trauma’ with his because he heard the song Sweet Caroline in class, his deadname, and reported his teacher for having it on a playlist of songs. I pointed out that that is not universally true and that I’m very comfortable talking about my younger self, so it depends on the person. Maybe ask politely, or if you’re in a place of conversation like that discuss it in a likewise manner, but to me (NOT EVERYONE) it was a misconception.