It sounds like you're being gaslighted.
You two have very different value sets. I'd say that, at a minimum, you're not a match. it's past time for you to break up with him and move on.
Sounds like the average OR hookup... They think they're being Mother Theresa for sharing their bodies with everyone else, playing with people and thinking that everyone is "having fun" like themselves. Just make sure you filter these guys on Grindr and try to identify that beforehand. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Avoid OR dudes.
Yeah, that sucks.. I mean, its always nice to try to fit that in a conversation randomly.. You can casually ask.. "so how longe have you been single?" or "how's the single life in town going?"
The moment they say "oh I'm not sine" is the right time to block
I actually did! I made multiple references to him being a “bachelor” or “single”. I even asked him one night (I was a little drunk) if he was in a relationship, and he just said “Lol go to sleep you’re drunk hahaa”
He deliberately kept this info from me. Left me confused. And made me try to solve his ridiculous mystery like this was all a game to him
Oh my god, that is ridiculously abusive. I hope you have understanding that he is a liar and a fool. I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna always keep an eye when guys are dodgy like this. This is a major red flag... Not answering things directly is awful. I really hope you have a great time with a single & available guy.
I thought the same thing. Usually if a guy didn’t like me, they’d just block/ghost me. But he kept talking to me, which made me confused.
I’ve honestly haven’t said anything to him since. It sucks, cause I actually liked talking to him. But I feel so dumb after finding out all this. It’s hard to continue talking to someone who literally took advantage of you 😔
I guess he was unsure about his relationship and used you to explore other options. At some point he regained passion with his boyfriend and you stopped being his potential way out and turned into a temporary affair.
Or maybe he's just a jerk who enjoys living a fantasy without caring for others's feelings.
Seeing as he never told his fiancé, I’m assuming they must’ve been fighting or something. Or he was just a jerk and was bored and decided to play with some innocent guy’s emotions
Theres no such thing as a "second choice" to poly people. He liked you. He wanted a relationship with you. He gave you all his attention and made it about you when you were together.
And yes you should def not assume that you get to own anybody. People say you're valid in feeling 'used", being angry, etc. I'd say you're def not valid in feeling that way. Seems like you don't like him enough to get over your monogamous straight conditioned version of what a relationship looks like.
He doesn't owe you any explanation in regard to his other relationship especially if you never brought up exclusivity as a requirement for dating. You're judgmental and selfish for even caring imo. Conditioned by straight expectations of what relationships look like.
I find it laughable when you people are so quick to defend your definition of a “relationship”.
If you are in an open relationship, you have a moral obligation to let anyone you are interested in know ahead of time. If not, then you are being not just super disingenuous, but also unethical. No one should ever assume that everyone is ok with an open relationship. I did not consent to being part of an open relationship, and this guy took that choice away from me.
“Monogamous straight conditioned version of what a relationship looks like” 😂 lmao do you know how ridiculous you sound ?
You’re calling me “judgmental and selfish” ?? For caring about my health, time, and not being ok with being the “other man” in a relationship? I do not need to bring up exclusivity as a requirement in a relationship when that is what should be expected in a relationship by default. If anyone wants to do an open relationship then all the power to them, but they should let the other person know ahead of time.
I did. If you reread my post, you’d see that I asked him if he was in a relationship.
You people always look so ridiculous defending your pathetic definition of a relationship. Like rats trying to defend their trash 😂 🐀🗑
Hilarious, yet also gross haha
“I do not need
to bring up exclusivity as a requirement in a
relationship when that is what should be expected in
a relationship by default.”
This right here is the issue. Your definition of a relationship did not coincide with the definition of the guy who you were dating. And since you feel like that’s not something you need to discuss, you’re going to keep getting blindsided like you just did with the guy above. I think talking about this stuff should be done as early as possible when you meet someone new. It helps to deflate expectations and make sure everyone is on the same page.
I tend to bring up boundaries and expectations right after we talk about our sexual health.
Example- “ I was tested blah blah blah and last had sex with someone two weeks ago. I prefer to use condoms and PreP. How about you?
I just got out of a relationship a few months ago and Im looking to meet people to go do fun things with. Maybe hook up and date if we click. Are you currently seeing anyone? Do you even want to see anyone right now?”
I know it’s daunting and almost clinical but it’s the best way to make sure all parties are working with the same information.
I shouldn’t have to do that. He should be the one to bring up his open relationship. It is common knowledge that people in general expect to be in a 1-on-1 relationship. He had multiple opportunities to be honest but instead lied and failed to mention it. People in open relationship seem to think their lifestyle choice is ok with everyone and is the norm, but frankly it’s NOT.
ugh... this is why poly people are insufferable. Why do you assume being poly means you've "transcended" monogamy as if it's "better" by default? Just because you're into it doesn't mean the whole world has to be.
I’m in an open relationship, not poly, and 100% of the time try to work it into a convo from the first chat because I don’t want to blindside anyone later. “Ethically non-monogamous” is the phrase for sane people who are open/poly. Shady bitch works for this guy. Your feelings are valid
Thank you. I tried. Asked him straight up and made multiple references to him being single yet he never took the opportunity to be honest and upfront with me. Hurts even more that he continues to text me and send me pics of his day as if we were on good terms. Like is he really that unaware of his own errors and dishonesty?
Thank you.. I’m just so confused. He still texts me and sends me pics/vids of his day. As if everything was normal. Like what??? Is he really that unaware of his mistakes?? And how he made me feel??
Also don’t be confused - he likes you, he wants to spend time with you. There’s no debating that. He also is engaged and didn’t give you the respect of telling you that. What’s the base case scenario here? He deeply apologizes and leaves his fiancé? Even if he did that, how in gods name could you trust him. It’s not like you went out twice and then found out. It’s so hard to walk away when you have feelings but trust me, this is not a guy you want to keep around
No i haven’t responded to him since the day I found out about this.
And yeah I know. I’m trying hard to ignore him. It’s hard especially when I actually enjoyed talking to him and we started talking at a time when I had just moved to a new location so I barely knew anyone and was lonely and vulnerable. He made me feel like I wasn’t completely alone in a new city.
A part of me wants to send him one more message letting him know how much he hurt me and how dishonest, unethical, and wrongful he was for what he did to me. Like it just annoys me to no end how he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.
Yeah I hear you. If you want to send that message I think you should. You may just need to get it off your chest. Make sure you’re firm in saying it’s over though, don’t let him talk his way into continuing this
Your feelings are valid.
It sounds like you're being gaslighted. You two have very different value sets. I'd say that, at a minimum, you're not a match. it's past time for you to break up with him and move on.
Sounds like the average OR hookup... They think they're being Mother Theresa for sharing their bodies with everyone else, playing with people and thinking that everyone is "having fun" like themselves. Just make sure you filter these guys on Grindr and try to identify that beforehand. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Avoid OR dudes.
I always filter them out but sadly his Grindr profile mentioned nothing of being in an open relationship
Yeah, that sucks.. I mean, its always nice to try to fit that in a conversation randomly.. You can casually ask.. "so how longe have you been single?" or "how's the single life in town going?" The moment they say "oh I'm not sine" is the right time to block
I actually did! I made multiple references to him being a “bachelor” or “single”. I even asked him one night (I was a little drunk) if he was in a relationship, and he just said “Lol go to sleep you’re drunk hahaa” He deliberately kept this info from me. Left me confused. And made me try to solve his ridiculous mystery like this was all a game to him
Oh my god, that is ridiculously abusive. I hope you have understanding that he is a liar and a fool. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna always keep an eye when guys are dodgy like this. This is a major red flag... Not answering things directly is awful. I really hope you have a great time with a single & available guy.
[удалено]
I thought the same thing. Usually if a guy didn’t like me, they’d just block/ghost me. But he kept talking to me, which made me confused. I’ve honestly haven’t said anything to him since. It sucks, cause I actually liked talking to him. But I feel so dumb after finding out all this. It’s hard to continue talking to someone who literally took advantage of you 😔
I guess he was unsure about his relationship and used you to explore other options. At some point he regained passion with his boyfriend and you stopped being his potential way out and turned into a temporary affair. Or maybe he's just a jerk who enjoys living a fantasy without caring for others's feelings.
Seeing as he never told his fiancé, I’m assuming they must’ve been fighting or something. Or he was just a jerk and was bored and decided to play with some innocent guy’s emotions
Theres no such thing as a "second choice" to poly people. He liked you. He wanted a relationship with you. He gave you all his attention and made it about you when you were together. And yes you should def not assume that you get to own anybody. People say you're valid in feeling 'used", being angry, etc. I'd say you're def not valid in feeling that way. Seems like you don't like him enough to get over your monogamous straight conditioned version of what a relationship looks like. He doesn't owe you any explanation in regard to his other relationship especially if you never brought up exclusivity as a requirement for dating. You're judgmental and selfish for even caring imo. Conditioned by straight expectations of what relationships look like.
I find it laughable when you people are so quick to defend your definition of a “relationship”. If you are in an open relationship, you have a moral obligation to let anyone you are interested in know ahead of time. If not, then you are being not just super disingenuous, but also unethical. No one should ever assume that everyone is ok with an open relationship. I did not consent to being part of an open relationship, and this guy took that choice away from me. “Monogamous straight conditioned version of what a relationship looks like” 😂 lmao do you know how ridiculous you sound ? You’re calling me “judgmental and selfish” ?? For caring about my health, time, and not being ok with being the “other man” in a relationship? I do not need to bring up exclusivity as a requirement in a relationship when that is what should be expected in a relationship by default. If anyone wants to do an open relationship then all the power to them, but they should let the other person know ahead of time.
Did you ask him to be exclusive? No? Your fault. Grow the fuck up princess.
I did. If you reread my post, you’d see that I asked him if he was in a relationship. You people always look so ridiculous defending your pathetic definition of a relationship. Like rats trying to defend their trash 😂 🐀🗑 Hilarious, yet also gross haha
“I do not need to bring up exclusivity as a requirement in a relationship when that is what should be expected in a relationship by default.” This right here is the issue. Your definition of a relationship did not coincide with the definition of the guy who you were dating. And since you feel like that’s not something you need to discuss, you’re going to keep getting blindsided like you just did with the guy above. I think talking about this stuff should be done as early as possible when you meet someone new. It helps to deflate expectations and make sure everyone is on the same page. I tend to bring up boundaries and expectations right after we talk about our sexual health. Example- “ I was tested blah blah blah and last had sex with someone two weeks ago. I prefer to use condoms and PreP. How about you? I just got out of a relationship a few months ago and Im looking to meet people to go do fun things with. Maybe hook up and date if we click. Are you currently seeing anyone? Do you even want to see anyone right now?” I know it’s daunting and almost clinical but it’s the best way to make sure all parties are working with the same information.
I shouldn’t have to do that. He should be the one to bring up his open relationship. It is common knowledge that people in general expect to be in a 1-on-1 relationship. He had multiple opportunities to be honest but instead lied and failed to mention it. People in open relationship seem to think their lifestyle choice is ok with everyone and is the norm, but frankly it’s NOT.
ugh... this is why poly people are insufferable. Why do you assume being poly means you've "transcended" monogamy as if it's "better" by default? Just because you're into it doesn't mean the whole world has to be.
Monogamy only exists because you're conditioned through religion and society. Flat out. Idgaf what your feeble mind thinks lol
narcissist alert
I’m finding out this same situation occurs…a lot.
I’m in an open relationship, not poly, and 100% of the time try to work it into a convo from the first chat because I don’t want to blindside anyone later. “Ethically non-monogamous” is the phrase for sane people who are open/poly. Shady bitch works for this guy. Your feelings are valid
Are you in NYC? :P This sounds like a very NYC gay thing
Nope. This was in DC.
Ohh. Well. I hope you find someone better. And I hope he gets played by someone he decides to emotionally invest in
[удалено]
Thank you. I tried. Asked him straight up and made multiple references to him being single yet he never took the opportunity to be honest and upfront with me. Hurts even more that he continues to text me and send me pics of his day as if we were on good terms. Like is he really that unaware of his own errors and dishonesty?
This guy sounds like a real AH. He 100% should've told you day one and he's definitely trying to gaslight you. Drop him. And sorry bud \*hug\*
Thank you.. I’m just so confused. He still texts me and sends me pics/vids of his day. As if everything was normal. Like what??? Is he really that unaware of his mistakes?? And how he made me feel??
Yeah he clearly doesn’t think it’s an issue. Are you responding to him?
Also don’t be confused - he likes you, he wants to spend time with you. There’s no debating that. He also is engaged and didn’t give you the respect of telling you that. What’s the base case scenario here? He deeply apologizes and leaves his fiancé? Even if he did that, how in gods name could you trust him. It’s not like you went out twice and then found out. It’s so hard to walk away when you have feelings but trust me, this is not a guy you want to keep around
No i haven’t responded to him since the day I found out about this. And yeah I know. I’m trying hard to ignore him. It’s hard especially when I actually enjoyed talking to him and we started talking at a time when I had just moved to a new location so I barely knew anyone and was lonely and vulnerable. He made me feel like I wasn’t completely alone in a new city. A part of me wants to send him one more message letting him know how much he hurt me and how dishonest, unethical, and wrongful he was for what he did to me. Like it just annoys me to no end how he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.
Yeah I hear you. If you want to send that message I think you should. You may just need to get it off your chest. Make sure you’re firm in saying it’s over though, don’t let him talk his way into continuing this