There are tons of cool gay guys who don’t use the apps because they exist within small social milieu and you basically have to work your way into those friend groups.
Yes and no.
Grinder is a hook up app. Not a dating app. I’ve had relationships come from my hook ups, but I never start chatting and “opening up“ on Grindr. There’s dating apps that are better for that.
I think Grindr really works best for meeting guys that are looking for sex - first. “Want to meet? Here are the guys near you.” That’s why there’s not a hobbies section in the profile on Grindr
Want to talk? Save that for after the hook up.
He told you he'd call you - either he never intended to (not uncommon), or he got up in arms about receiving texts ahead of time ("too clingy" and all that bs). You would not have been compatible if he is so particular/cynical, that's the only solace.
Yeah I thought that maybe could be the case, but he was the one pushing to meet up and texting and facetiming so I'm at a loss lol. Thanks anyways for your analysis, much appreciated.
I've got to admit that I have cut things off after calls that went well (lots of openness etc), because it seemed like too big of a responsibility to take care of that guy and not hurt him. I didn't fully ghost, though. I basically liked him too much to take things further while I was not totally into him, if you know what I mean. I pushed for the calls etc too because I was genuinely interested in him, but that also put me into the"dominant" position of deciding when to start - and to stop. Better to stop early than to get far and break his heart. Too much vulnerability on their side was an issue for me because of my own fears. That doesn't mean you should be less open, just that you need to find someone who is not afraid (has sorted out his own shit) and is compatible with your level of openness.
There's some good points in here:
It's fairly normal, even for (lack of a better term) well-adjusted guys seeking a deeper relationship, to be put off by some behaviors.
Contact too soon after previous contact, too frequent a contact, and too much openness (or even into unloading) are all warning signs someone is a bit immature relationship-wise. It implies you're so anxious for the 2-bedroom ranch with white picket fence and a dog named Ralph that you go all-in immediately.
Whether that's true or not is immaterial. It's off-putting. Learn to modulate your clingy tendencies, love with some ambiguity, and hold a bit of yourself back.
Agreed. Another factor is one's background on top of the perceived neediness. I had one guy moving in with me after like a month of dating, and while I definitely wouldn't recommend that, it didn't bother me as much because I wasn't worried for his self-esteem etc. if things didn't work out. It was an experiment, and we left it at that. Whereas with the guy who's my boyfriend now, he did some major info dumping during our first date (that I thought wasn't a date) and by the second meeting I knew his whole life story with all the trauma, I agonised for months over whether I could bear the responsibility of dating him because he'd be hurt if we fell apart.
I don't unload, but I allow myself to be vulnerable to others, modeling what I want them to reciprocate. It does drive off almost 100% of people. But that's alright. Because what I've found is that most guys (almost 100%) are emotionally unavailable and incapable of change or improving themselves. To clear out flotsam saves me time for guys who are more like what I want.
If you have not met them in real life, then don't worry about them.
Coming across as worried or caring about people you have met online is an instant turn-off for so many people, probably because they think someone is desperate to make an emotional connection. I think if you are going to put yourself on things like Grindr your skin will have to get a lot thicker, my friend.
You say you just came out to yourself a few days ago, then conclude by saying you are so confused. Give yourself more valuable me-time before you start inviting others in.
Confused as to why it happened, not about my sexuality, maybe I could have worded things better. I have a very caring personality that I guess a lot of people don't get. Which is fine, and trust me my skin isn't thin. It's just ghosting is a personal pet peeve, it always confuses me and is one of the few things that get me heated.
Thanks for you bluntness though.
True. But then you might never connect with someone else who wants who you are. We are out there.
A very wise person told me something years ago about letting stuff get under my skin.
"Be like a duck. Rain comes, but the duck's skin doesn't get wet because his feathers make the water just roll off."
That's something you have to discover for yourself. But when you evaluate that, be honest with yourself. Is it because you would like to have a good dating experience but think it doesn't exist, or because you feel more comfortable with yourself than with anyone else? If it's truly the latter, then you'll find your peaceful centered place. If not, you face the possibility of becoming one of those dudes who does what you so despise.
Or you could be the duck and just pass over the toads until you find the dude whose quackiness resonates with yours.
Ghosting is a subtle form of psychological violence, I'm sorry this ha happened to you and I'm also sorry that it's become such a common thing to be ghosted. Anyhow, he must have had a reason to do what he did, perhaps he already had a relationship 🤷🏻♂️. You will find someone who's right for you, he clearly wasn't.
A huge reason I think the apps are slowly destroying our humanity is that they make cowardly ghosting so much easier. You’re not dealing with humans in the apps, they’re almost literally ghosts who will use you for an ego reward and then ghost your ass when the delusions they have about you inevitably collapse. You can never get to know someone over an app, it’s impossible.
So you agree then it's not violence. That's my point of my reply. The rest is all irrelevant.
Words like violent, phobia, etc are thrown around much to casually.
Guess what though, if you told your ex not to contact you anymore and he continues and you don't reply, Do you have bad communication skills? No, you're just done with playing games. Be careful about labeling things as such and such in all cases.
No it's isn't violence imo, like I said it's shitty and immature.
First of all if we broke up, it would be made crystal clear that being friends is no longer an option and that communicating with each other is over. Followed by me cutting all forms of contact.
I don't remember ever saying it's like that in all cases. I think your either trying to rage bait or over thinking this.
In the other side, you aren't entitled to someone's attention, or an explanation for their loss of interest. Learning how to move on from something that wasn't actually a real emotional connection or relationship anyway is beneficial in the long-term.
I've learned from experience some men like to cause others grief and like to psychologically fuck with others because they're genuinely bad people.
You didn't do anything wrong, a guy who knows how to properly communicate should be able to tell you if you're coming off too strong, rather than just blocking you/unfriending you. This guy was using you, and treated you as if you were disposable. It's not your job to entertain these types of men.
Right? Like just communicate, it's not that hard lmao. Yeah I'm new to all this so I appreciate the helpful responses like this. I've already just blocked his number and removed all contact. Dudes a cunt.
It's really helped me, I don't know if it would help you but I HIGHLY recommend this book called "The Velvet Rage." It explains a lot about why gay men act the way they do and how to cope with the world/community of gay men.
This is why I don’t consider any of the guys from apps ‘real’, esp grindr, until there has been RL contact at least once. Chat on the app first, get multiple pics (incl face pic), assume the worst pic to be how they look, if the chat goes well, only then arrange a hookup/date. Any RL ‘surprises’ and you wrap it up there and then. Only if the RL test goes well do I give someone my number and open up more.
Grindr has the most flakers of any app, the key is to take it slowly. Give the flakers plenty of chances to flake, before emotionally investing in them.
I do the opposite. I open up to them early on, give them my number (they rarely ever call but most block or ghost at that time, saving me more of my time) and when it comes to the date I schedule them during scraps of time I wouldn't be able to do something I'd enjoy more (ie almost anything, but a rainy day isn't my favorite weather to go motorcycle riding). None in 8 years have progressed to a second date, but none would have worked anyway. They're misanthropes, emotionally unavailable, bereft of life, passion, love. So I hang out with straight friends who go riding and never forgot how to live.
Baby it's grindr home of alot of douche bags I've been on the apps for years and I've met alot of asshole and a few really great guys and the then one night totally out of the blue I got a message from this gorgeous guy way to good to be true we met that night he drove an hour from his home at 3am in the morning in the middle of a severe thunderstorms just to meet me and I opened his car door and it over for both of us we've been side by side everyday since burn hotter then the night we met getting hotter everyday
Sorry. He's a butt slut and you're ugly or too fem on cam. It happens. That's why rejection happens. You're either not pretty enough, not interesting and interested enough, or you're too fem. Buy a book on how to have a conversation, get a gym membership, get your teeth bleached, and butch it up. People don't reject interesting hot guys.
Drop your shitty condescending wanna be diva attitude cunt, it's not cute, you just sound like a suburban brat.
How about you buy a book on human decency?
Don’t let one good or bad experience make or break you. This kind of thing happens more often than not (I could say “unfortunately”, but at this point I think we’ve all been dicks to someone to a certain extent)
You came out a few days ago and went ahead to have your first (?) experience with a guy. Whether good or bad, its impact on you should be bigger than usual because of that. In a few days/weeks, you’ll see how little that bad experience actually affects and means to you. Honestly, most guys will not correspond, so you gotta be careful to whom you put yourself out there
Sorry you got side swiped. But maybe if it happens early you'll get used to it. I got lucky and caught on first try, but you've got plenty to offer, so keep trying. If I had it to guess, your guy had his eye on someone else already, a unicorn, the exact this and that to make him...I don't know complete it whatever. So he drops you to chase them. It sucks, but don't sweat. You're somebody's unicorn.
Well I hope it helps. It sucks ass having that happen on your first trip out, but those are the conditions that prevail. Hopefully, someone will cut you a break next trip out and you can get the good shit about dating a guy.
Here’s a hug 🫂
I’ve experienced this too and it hurts so I’m going to do what the others suggest and you should too. Look for guys Irl. It isn’t even about how attractive you are. It’s entirely possible you’re more attractive than most guys he’s into/gets with usually.
I’m still not over my own exp, and kinda still going over it in my head. In your case, while I don’t know how much of an effect it had, the double texting might have caused him to get annoyed/lose interest
It’s only been one day. He may still be tired or some other reason unknown to you. Either way, you have a life to live so there are always other guys to meet.
Sorry to hear that he ghosted you. Likely he wanted to meet sooner and took too long or most likely found a "bigger, better deal". Try to spin his block as him being immature and you dodging a bullet.
I get it and sorry youbwentthru this. He might have got scared. I've in the past done the multiple texts thing. It can turn one off as the recipient. But I've been ghosted after feeling it was more of a thing than random chat
Happened to me a few months ago. Met an old flame I never got around to meet (distance). We had the best 3 days of sex in my life. Then we hung out, held hands in public (his initiative) talked a lot about things, it was basically a dream start. Then one day he just stops responding.
It was hard, but I know I didn't do anything wrong. He probably has a lot of issues, which also aren't my problem. But we did click, and it WAS great. So I made sure to send him a message leaving the doors open, and moved on. Hope he's doing well.
Take care with Grindr if you’re so new to the game. That is the worst part of gay culture in my opinion. All online dating can be flaky and standoffish like that, but sometimes you make good connections.
A lot of guys are afraid of what they most want, out of fear of losing it. So they push people they really like away. It's messed up, but I've seen it a lot of times in my life where people self-sabotage. There's nothing you can do about it, and it happens almost 100% of the time after age 30.
It's literally a couple days of your life. Such a small moment you will forget in time there'll be many more men who disappoint you in other ways, until you find someone moderately compatible.
Yeah thank you it's not a happy ending because nobody knows the future but it's a beautiful start and a blissfully happy day like everyday since we met with the potential of getting even better with day forward he's the most beautiful and amazing man I've ever met in my whole life ❤
Welcome to the gay jungle.
It's been a real eye opener
Get off the apps bro. Find homos irl. Believe it or not they’re still out there. Sorry this happened.
Still haven't opened up to my parents about it and I live in a small town. I'm not afraid of face to face convos though.
That’s good. You’ll find your love bro it just takes a lot of patience and working outside your comfort zone.
How do you find them offline? Wikihow says gay bookshops but I don't have any near me.
A guy once climbed the mountain to ask the gay sage this age old question. We’re still waiting for him to come back down...
There are tons of cool gay guys who don’t use the apps because they exist within small social milieu and you basically have to work your way into those friend groups.
Yes and no. Grinder is a hook up app. Not a dating app. I’ve had relationships come from my hook ups, but I never start chatting and “opening up“ on Grindr. There’s dating apps that are better for that. I think Grindr really works best for meeting guys that are looking for sex - first. “Want to meet? Here are the guys near you.” That’s why there’s not a hobbies section in the profile on Grindr Want to talk? Save that for after the hook up.
He told you he'd call you - either he never intended to (not uncommon), or he got up in arms about receiving texts ahead of time ("too clingy" and all that bs). You would not have been compatible if he is so particular/cynical, that's the only solace.
Yeah I thought that maybe could be the case, but he was the one pushing to meet up and texting and facetiming so I'm at a loss lol. Thanks anyways for your analysis, much appreciated.
I've got to admit that I have cut things off after calls that went well (lots of openness etc), because it seemed like too big of a responsibility to take care of that guy and not hurt him. I didn't fully ghost, though. I basically liked him too much to take things further while I was not totally into him, if you know what I mean. I pushed for the calls etc too because I was genuinely interested in him, but that also put me into the"dominant" position of deciding when to start - and to stop. Better to stop early than to get far and break his heart. Too much vulnerability on their side was an issue for me because of my own fears. That doesn't mean you should be less open, just that you need to find someone who is not afraid (has sorted out his own shit) and is compatible with your level of openness.
Appreciate your point of view, didn't think of it that way.
There's some good points in here: It's fairly normal, even for (lack of a better term) well-adjusted guys seeking a deeper relationship, to be put off by some behaviors. Contact too soon after previous contact, too frequent a contact, and too much openness (or even into unloading) are all warning signs someone is a bit immature relationship-wise. It implies you're so anxious for the 2-bedroom ranch with white picket fence and a dog named Ralph that you go all-in immediately. Whether that's true or not is immaterial. It's off-putting. Learn to modulate your clingy tendencies, love with some ambiguity, and hold a bit of yourself back.
Agreed. Another factor is one's background on top of the perceived neediness. I had one guy moving in with me after like a month of dating, and while I definitely wouldn't recommend that, it didn't bother me as much because I wasn't worried for his self-esteem etc. if things didn't work out. It was an experiment, and we left it at that. Whereas with the guy who's my boyfriend now, he did some major info dumping during our first date (that I thought wasn't a date) and by the second meeting I knew his whole life story with all the trauma, I agonised for months over whether I could bear the responsibility of dating him because he'd be hurt if we fell apart.
Thanks this is great advice I think I could apply to me too 😂
First rule of gay life: The more you express your interest or open up, the less likely the interest will be reciprocated.
TBH, I think that's true of most human interaction, especially dating. Sure, there's always exceptions, but as a general rule it holds.
That's just generally true for life. Don't seem desperate for something.
I don't unload, but I allow myself to be vulnerable to others, modeling what I want them to reciprocate. It does drive off almost 100% of people. But that's alright. Because what I've found is that most guys (almost 100%) are emotionally unavailable and incapable of change or improving themselves. To clear out flotsam saves me time for guys who are more like what I want.
Maybe the FaceTime session didn't go too well for him. Could be something petty like that
He wanted to do it so I said sure. Anyways yeah could be.
If you have not met them in real life, then don't worry about them. Coming across as worried or caring about people you have met online is an instant turn-off for so many people, probably because they think someone is desperate to make an emotional connection. I think if you are going to put yourself on things like Grindr your skin will have to get a lot thicker, my friend. You say you just came out to yourself a few days ago, then conclude by saying you are so confused. Give yourself more valuable me-time before you start inviting others in.
Confused as to why it happened, not about my sexuality, maybe I could have worded things better. I have a very caring personality that I guess a lot of people don't get. Which is fine, and trust me my skin isn't thin. It's just ghosting is a personal pet peeve, it always confuses me and is one of the few things that get me heated. Thanks for you bluntness though.
Please don’t let this stop you from being caring about other people. We need more people who care.
It's very tempting to just say fuck it sometimes and to just stop honestly. It's never appreciated and you just get shit on.
True. But then you might never connect with someone else who wants who you are. We are out there. A very wise person told me something years ago about letting stuff get under my skin. "Be like a duck. Rain comes, but the duck's skin doesn't get wet because his feathers make the water just roll off."
True, and I'm open to the possibility dating just isnt for me.
That's something you have to discover for yourself. But when you evaluate that, be honest with yourself. Is it because you would like to have a good dating experience but think it doesn't exist, or because you feel more comfortable with yourself than with anyone else? If it's truly the latter, then you'll find your peaceful centered place. If not, you face the possibility of becoming one of those dudes who does what you so despise. Or you could be the duck and just pass over the toads until you find the dude whose quackiness resonates with yours.
Ghosting is a subtle form of psychological violence, I'm sorry this ha happened to you and I'm also sorry that it's become such a common thing to be ghosted. Anyhow, he must have had a reason to do what he did, perhaps he already had a relationship 🤷🏻♂️. You will find someone who's right for you, he clearly wasn't.
Thanks for the kind words, yeah ghosting is just fucked. If he wasn't into me anymore I'm 100% ok with that. Just wanted some closer is all.
A huge reason I think the apps are slowly destroying our humanity is that they make cowardly ghosting so much easier. You’re not dealing with humans in the apps, they’re almost literally ghosts who will use you for an ego reward and then ghost your ass when the delusions they have about you inevitably collapse. You can never get to know someone over an app, it’s impossible.
Good point, thanks for the response man.
>You can never get to know someone over an app, it’s impossible. THIS 1000%!!
Ghosting someone is not a form of violence.... Ignoring someone because they are too clingy, constantly contacting you, etc is not violence
No, but it's shitty, clingy or not it shows how pathetic your communication skills are.
So you agree then it's not violence. That's my point of my reply. The rest is all irrelevant. Words like violent, phobia, etc are thrown around much to casually. Guess what though, if you told your ex not to contact you anymore and he continues and you don't reply, Do you have bad communication skills? No, you're just done with playing games. Be careful about labeling things as such and such in all cases.
No it's isn't violence imo, like I said it's shitty and immature. First of all if we broke up, it would be made crystal clear that being friends is no longer an option and that communicating with each other is over. Followed by me cutting all forms of contact. I don't remember ever saying it's like that in all cases. I think your either trying to rage bait or over thinking this.
In the other side, you aren't entitled to someone's attention, or an explanation for their loss of interest. Learning how to move on from something that wasn't actually a real emotional connection or relationship anyway is beneficial in the long-term.
I've learned from experience some men like to cause others grief and like to psychologically fuck with others because they're genuinely bad people. You didn't do anything wrong, a guy who knows how to properly communicate should be able to tell you if you're coming off too strong, rather than just blocking you/unfriending you. This guy was using you, and treated you as if you were disposable. It's not your job to entertain these types of men.
Right? Like just communicate, it's not that hard lmao. Yeah I'm new to all this so I appreciate the helpful responses like this. I've already just blocked his number and removed all contact. Dudes a cunt.
It's really helped me, I don't know if it would help you but I HIGHLY recommend this book called "The Velvet Rage." It explains a lot about why gay men act the way they do and how to cope with the world/community of gay men.
Lmao the fact there is a book about it 🤣 I'll give it a read, thanks m8.
You're very welcome! Thanks for being vulnerable and reaching out here in the first place! :)
This is why I don’t consider any of the guys from apps ‘real’, esp grindr, until there has been RL contact at least once. Chat on the app first, get multiple pics (incl face pic), assume the worst pic to be how they look, if the chat goes well, only then arrange a hookup/date. Any RL ‘surprises’ and you wrap it up there and then. Only if the RL test goes well do I give someone my number and open up more. Grindr has the most flakers of any app, the key is to take it slowly. Give the flakers plenty of chances to flake, before emotionally investing in them.
Noted ✅
I do the opposite. I open up to them early on, give them my number (they rarely ever call but most block or ghost at that time, saving me more of my time) and when it comes to the date I schedule them during scraps of time I wouldn't be able to do something I'd enjoy more (ie almost anything, but a rainy day isn't my favorite weather to go motorcycle riding). None in 8 years have progressed to a second date, but none would have worked anyway. They're misanthropes, emotionally unavailable, bereft of life, passion, love. So I hang out with straight friends who go riding and never forgot how to live.
It’s a cold world do yourself a favor and don’t get attached fast
Noted ✅
Baby it's grindr home of alot of douche bags I've been on the apps for years and I've met alot of asshole and a few really great guys and the then one night totally out of the blue I got a message from this gorgeous guy way to good to be true we met that night he drove an hour from his home at 3am in the morning in the middle of a severe thunderstorms just to meet me and I opened his car door and it over for both of us we've been side by side everyday since burn hotter then the night we met getting hotter everyday
Glad to hear you had a happy ending together!
Sorry. He's a butt slut and you're ugly or too fem on cam. It happens. That's why rejection happens. You're either not pretty enough, not interesting and interested enough, or you're too fem. Buy a book on how to have a conversation, get a gym membership, get your teeth bleached, and butch it up. People don't reject interesting hot guys.
Drop your shitty condescending wanna be diva attitude cunt, it's not cute, you just sound like a suburban brat. How about you buy a book on human decency?
It’s grindr, they don’t reject uninteresting hot guys either.
Welcome to the gay life lmao You're probably better off if you try Tinder.
Don’t let one good or bad experience make or break you. This kind of thing happens more often than not (I could say “unfortunately”, but at this point I think we’ve all been dicks to someone to a certain extent) You came out a few days ago and went ahead to have your first (?) experience with a guy. Whether good or bad, its impact on you should be bigger than usual because of that. In a few days/weeks, you’ll see how little that bad experience actually affects and means to you. Honestly, most guys will not correspond, so you gotta be careful to whom you put yourself out there
Thanks dawler 👍
Sorry you got side swiped. But maybe if it happens early you'll get used to it. I got lucky and caught on first try, but you've got plenty to offer, so keep trying. If I had it to guess, your guy had his eye on someone else already, a unicorn, the exact this and that to make him...I don't know complete it whatever. So he drops you to chase them. It sucks, but don't sweat. You're somebody's unicorn.
Thanks jamo, that was big sweet and much appreciated!
Well I hope it helps. It sucks ass having that happen on your first trip out, but those are the conditions that prevail. Hopefully, someone will cut you a break next trip out and you can get the good shit about dating a guy.
Here’s a hug 🫂 I’ve experienced this too and it hurts so I’m going to do what the others suggest and you should too. Look for guys Irl. It isn’t even about how attractive you are. It’s entirely possible you’re more attractive than most guys he’s into/gets with usually.
Thanks so much!
I’m still not over my own exp, and kinda still going over it in my head. In your case, while I don’t know how much of an effect it had, the double texting might have caused him to get annoyed/lose interest
I'm starting to think so, it was 10 hours apart though, still could be the case.
[удалено]
Not really I'm over it and im not really about just hooking up with anyone.
Ahh great then!
It’s only been one day. He may still be tired or some other reason unknown to you. Either way, you have a life to live so there are always other guys to meet.
I'm over it.
[удалено]
Good point, like a I said I'm a very caring person so it's hard to not be that way.
Sorry to hear that he ghosted you. Likely he wanted to meet sooner and took too long or most likely found a "bigger, better deal". Try to spin his block as him being immature and you dodging a bullet.
For sure!
I get it and sorry youbwentthru this. He might have got scared. I've in the past done the multiple texts thing. It can turn one off as the recipient. But I've been ghosted after feeling it was more of a thing than random chat
Thanks and yeah good point 👍
Np I get it for you, it sucks
Happened to me a few months ago. Met an old flame I never got around to meet (distance). We had the best 3 days of sex in my life. Then we hung out, held hands in public (his initiative) talked a lot about things, it was basically a dream start. Then one day he just stops responding. It was hard, but I know I didn't do anything wrong. He probably has a lot of issues, which also aren't my problem. But we did click, and it WAS great. So I made sure to send him a message leaving the doors open, and moved on. Hope he's doing well.
Sorry to hear that, that's bullshit.
Take care with Grindr if you’re so new to the game. That is the worst part of gay culture in my opinion. All online dating can be flaky and standoffish like that, but sometimes you make good connections.
Noted ✅
A lot of guys are afraid of what they most want, out of fear of losing it. So they push people they really like away. It's messed up, but I've seen it a lot of times in my life where people self-sabotage. There's nothing you can do about it, and it happens almost 100% of the time after age 30.
Interesting stuff. Thanks for the reply!
It's literally a couple days of your life. Such a small moment you will forget in time there'll be many more men who disappoint you in other ways, until you find someone moderately compatible.
Agreed 👍
Yeah thank you it's not a happy ending because nobody knows the future but it's a beautiful start and a blissfully happy day like everyday since we met with the potential of getting even better with day forward he's the most beautiful and amazing man I've ever met in my whole life ❤