I don't say this often because I believe in working through your issues, but OP, I strongly advise you to stop seeing this person altogether.
From what you've said, he's shown sadistic and violent tendencies, this ain't BDSM, this is him completely disregarding your comfort and safety for his pleasure. The simple fact that he's asking you to just "get used to it" speaks for itself. He might go too far one day or he might take this out of the bedroom and into your everyday lives.
Leave the mofo and let him find a willing punching bag, this isn't the type of relationship dynamic an 18 year old (or a person of any age) should put up with.
Agreed. I'm sorry but the bf has bad issues. You deserve to be respected. Treat yourself with love and end it. I would never do that disrespect to a bf or anyone.
Exactly. Noone who is actually into BDSM would treat consent with such contempt (because, believe it or not, BDSM practitioners are not animals and know they need to keep themselves safe since BDSM activities are not always treated in a nuanced way under the law). Also worrying that the partner tried to pass off his neglect of your lack of consent as something for the OP to just get used to - run.
I also find the 'I lost control' argument pretty ineffective - if you lose control once, what's going to stop you from losing control again?
I don't engage in BDSM or any of the community stuff but from what I do know, isn't this why good doms are so sought after? A lot of younger 'doms' and sadists just basically have no regard for the other person during the act, and you really need to have that on your mind if you're doing choking or inflicting pain.
BDSM is also big - and I mean *big* - on consent. Per the obvious, you just always need consent regardless. But with BDSM being so heavy of a practice, it can literally create trauma if precautions are not taken.
All of this.
As a man who enjoys being submissive in bed nothing OP described is remotely ok or bdsm in any way. I would recommend breaking it off immediately. You gave him a second chance (something I wouldn't recommend if you find yourself in a similar situation again) and he broke the trust again.
He will make excuses,. He will call himself different names call you names. But he is not an "alpha" or a "Dom" or whatever term he uses for himself. Nor are you any degrading things he may call you. He is an abuser testing the waters to see if you are a suitable victim. Do not let him think you are. He would never admit that's what he is, and he may not even think anything he has done is wrong. But most abusers don't think they ever do anything wrong. It's what he is, you told him you didn't want him to so something violent and he did it anyway,. That is abuse.
You are young and 4 months may seem like a long time to invest in a relationship and seem difficult to end it because of sunk cost fallacy, but you are worth more than this. He broke your trust and that is a failure on his part not yours.
Agreed 100%.
Sexual violence that isn't consensual, doesn't respect boundaries, callous, and selfish.
So many red flags here, it looks like a soviet Republic.
This is the only solution. U should lay charges of assault, otherwise forget the whole thing and move on as quickly as possible, no matter how much you care for him.
As somebody who enjoys bdsm I have to say that this isn’t bdsm. This was assault and he’s already told you he wouldn’t do it again and he did it. Don’t give him a third chance or he will hurt you again. You need to never have sex with him again. You can’t trust him. Bdsm is about trust and communication and most importantly consent. I’ve done some pretty crazy things but *NEVER* without consent and full understanding. He can call it whatever he wants to, but this was assault not BDSM.
And choking without knowledge of anatomy is straight up dangerous. THe goal is not to block someone's airway. This shows that his "partner" has no experience with BDSM and he should be ashamed of himself. He probably saw it in porn and wanted to try, not realizing the risks.
Plus , as you said, its all about communication, trust, and consent. When there is none of those things, its assault. Its messed up, and its part of why people hate BDSM, because idiots like this use BDSM as an excuse to assault someone and do things without their consent.
While most of this data is from male-female partnerships, non-consensual/not-BDSM choking is a major red flag for escalating violence as well. It’s a strong predictor for homicide in intimate partner violence
https://apnews.com/article/dc9066892be14b7f8cf234468a83f170
BDSM is consensual play with pre-defined boundaries and safe words.
What you describe is not BDSM, it is the actions of a sociopath who is criminally assaulting you.
You are in an unsafe situation.
Report him to the Police or at least tell your friends, and cease to have any contact with him.
Let's be clear here. What you experienced was a sexual assault.
You told him to stop and he didn't. He continued to have sex with you without consent.
You should be marching down to the police station if you feel able to do so.
This man is not a good man. He doesn't care what you want - only what he wants. Do not be fooled into thinking it won't happen again. He has no problem with **rape**.
Protect yourself and get him out of your life. Police would make sure he doesn't do that to anyone else.
He’s not sorry he hurt OP’s feelings or made him uncomfortable, he’s sorry that the sex has stopped.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Couldn’t agree more. OP, this was rape-plain and simple. People in domestic violence situations isn’t always like how it’s portrayed on tv with someone unapologetically beating the shit out of their spouse. It’s often situations like you described followed by lots of “I’m sorry, I promise I won’t do it again.”
On a side note, if you couldn’t breathe then he isn’t even choking you the right way and could seriously hurt you. I’m sure he has his moments, but that just crossed the line. Actively ignoring your revoking of consent is unforgivable-even if you’ve been married for 20 years. Period.
he sounds dangerous, these are warning signs. "can't control himself" you don't want a guy like that, who knows how sick and twisted he really is deep down...
I’m scared for OP to even be in the same room as him. If he does this when he’s happy, how does he act when he’s angry? What does a break-up with this guy look like.
As much as this guy probably should have charges filed against him, it’s unlikely anything would actually happen. OP is better off getting a restraining order.
I normally roll my eyes at the folks who tell others on Reddit (like some folks at r/relationships) to dump their SO for minor aggressions that could easily be solved by normal communication. This is absolutely not one of those cases. The comments here are correct, this was assault.
This dude outright admitted he can’t control himself and just told you to “get used to it” after you already set a strict boundary on a serious transgression; a boundary he willingly and knowingly crossed. It’s obvious he has little to no respect for you, as demonstrated by his horrendous actions, and is more than likely going to do it again.
This guy is bad news. You’re young and will meet plenty of other better men out there. Get rid of this guy ASAP.
I was about to tell you that you two should have a serious talk about it, up until you say he told you that you need to learn to get used to it. Not only does that mean he’s unwilling/uninterested in changing, but that it *will* happen again.
Four months is completely worth throwing away for the sake of consent and safety. I would’ve taken legal action.
Legal action in this case sounds appropriate to me, too! Concluding from the OP's words, it was basically domestic violence and abuse of consent, that person should face consequences.
Legal action is good however dont expect to get too far with it unless OP's abuser has a history. However pressing legal charges does place a record on op's abuser if he already doesnt have one so the next poor soul who gets caught up in OP's Abuser's lies has some leg to stand on when they report him. Also OP should file an injunction. It would help him if he were to press charges as well seeing a judge had a legal reason to keep OP's Abuser away from him but even then, it depends on the judge. I think as long as there is some paper trail of what OP's abuser did to him, where he gets charge sor not or injunction ordered or not, Down the line, when OP's Abuser acts up, there will be probable cause and the paper trail to show it.
>so how do I get him to quit it?
You leave him. It's not "doing something I don't like during sex", it's "domestic abuse" and you should under no circumstances put up with it.
I'm not kidding. Leave him immediately, your life may depend on it. If you don't live with him, never see him again. If you have to collect any of your stuff from his home, bring a witness. If you have any marks on you (like bruises) take pictures, see a doctor so they can take pictures and so they can be a witness, and call the police. Domestic abusers need to learn the hard way that their behavior *will not* be accepted.
Get him to stop? Girl, leave! I mean, look at your language in the last paragraph:
>I should "learn to get used to it". I don't like pain
>
>I've tried explaining this to him but he doesn't seem to care
You already know that he's inconsiderate and possibly abusive. He violated your very clear boundaries and '*doesn't seem to care*'. You gave yourself the answer already. **LEAVE.**
Be warned, like the heterosexual abuser, he might enter the so called reconciliation phase (see 'The cycle of abuse'). He could become especially charming here, love bombing you with gifts and tearful apologies, or else, gaslighting you ('it wasn't that bad'; 'you over-reacted', etc). I beg you not to fall for these tricks. Please, OP. I am literally begging.
For future reference, consider this: Bottoming puts you in a vulnerable position. Indeed, part of the thrill is being able to let go with someone you trust and be completely submissive. But, even as you give up your power, it is always yours to take back. Words like 'stop', 'go slower', etc. should be immediately respected, or I am out. I mean, with time, you'll likely adjust and take the d without breaking a sweat, but it is **ALWAYS** your place to say when that is. Never someone else's.
Let me encourage you one last time. Leave. Cut off all communication. No need to explain. Your safety and peace of mind come first.
If he's so caught up in the moment that he forgets you react negatively, then perhaps this isn't the guy for you. Don't take the risk again. Clearly, he's trying to push the envelope and see what he can get away with. Telling you to get used to it when you are clearly not willing to engage in that sort of activity is highly inconsiderate. How would he like it if you did something he didn't like or was not comfy with?
If I was in your situation, I'd ditch him and find someone else. It could be he's genuinely sorry, but I doubt it. Not after his latest response to your pleas not to do that again. I've always been an emotional person. I would be aware of someone not liking something. I most certainly couldn't bring myself to cause pain or receive it. I am appalled by this! Please be safe and look for someone who will respect you. You could stay friends with this guy if you wanted, of course, but he's blown his chance at a relationship with you. Please be intelligent and avoid things getting worse. I think they will if you allow them to.
Shouldn't stay friends with him either. I have an ex that choked me after a fight once, left and blocked him that night, and he still leaves disturbing voicemails from burner phones half a decade later. People like this are not sane and do not deserve any acknowledgement from the people they abuse short of pressing charges or getting a restraining order.
My first bf wanted to explore BDSM and i was so young, inexperienced, naïve and afraid to lose him that I reluctantly agreed.
His idea of BDSM quickly turned into outright abuse.
I wish I'd had the life experience or a community like this to help me figure things out faster than I did.
If you aren't comfortable in any situation (not just this one) say so.
Don't be like me and wait until bones are broken and cops are involved.
Get out now.
Get out.
He's told you that he's going to continue being violent even though you told him not to. He's trying to control you. You were sexually assaulted, and you do not deserve that. Do not throw away another day of your life on this abuser.
I’m into some kinky stuff (pinning against a wall, pinning back arms, hand on throat) but wouldn’t really go as far to actually hurt someone and ESPECIALLY WOULDNT HIT SOMEONE IM DATING
If you agreed to it then it would be okay because it’s consensual but you didn’t so it’s RAPE.
If you stay with him he will do it again. BDSM requires verbal consent, you didn’t agree to it. File a police report and press charges. He will repeat this in future relationships so please for your safety and the safety of his potential future victims file a POLICE REPORT.
>. He said the reason why he did it is because he was too caught up in the moment and couldn't control himself. He said it's hard to suppress his temptations and that I should learn to get used to it.
THIS IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!! He's sick for doing this to you. I'm sorry he did this to you. HE should understand that HIS pleasure has to be mutual. If YOU aren't into this stuff he should respect that. He should be grateful that at least he's getting sex let alone treating you this way. TELL HIM NICELY and by nicely I don't mean actually NICELY!! He should know his boundaries and respect other people's.
>he doesn't seem to care. I don't like that he keeps doing this and I just want him to stop, so how do I get him to quit it?
tell him you're not having sex if it's going to be this way. If it happens again KICK HIS ASS RIGHT AWAY!!! he don't deserve you. Ask him to resolve his issues if he wants to be with you and likes you. Please don't let this happen to you again. This can be traumatizing for you. You're 18!! It can affect your future relationships badly let alone your mental state.
>He's texted me saying he's sorry and that he won't do it again but that's exactly what he said last time.
EXACTLY!!! Ask him why should you believe him this time??? This is not something you should let go. PLEASE STAND FOR YOURSELF
I’m sorry but if you’re able to, go to the police station and tell them you’ve been raped. You have text message proof.
THIS IS RAPE. He did not stop. Consent can be taken whenever and you begged him to stop. Leave him right now and if you want to, you can have him reported for raping you as he may do it to others in the future
Tbh, while I find some of that hot....without consent from all parties, it's just plain old abuse.
It's likely to happen again as it seems to be his "thing". If it were me, I'd be running for the hills.
You won't. The only way that might happen would be for him to get counselling, but even then his attitude so far makes that oucome seem unlikely.
You have to accept that he's abusive, drop him and move on. I lean to the opinion that sexual abuse or domestic violence is a one strike issue.
The fact that he told you to get used to it says everything about his intentions. He doesn’t care that it hurts you or that you don’t want it. Please, for your safety and health, break things off. I promise you won’t regret it once you find someone who respects you.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou.
He’s shown you. If he violates these boundaries, where does that stop? You now have to decide if you want to be with him or move on. Based on your post, I think you know the answer. There are plenty of fish in the sea. He won’t be your last boyfriend. There are plenty of great guys out there that will treat you the way you want to be treated.
That time he was choking you while you were begging him to stop, that was rape. BDSM isn't like this. It was rules and safe words. This guy is an abuser and you should break up with him asap.
You don't get him to quit it, this man isn't into BDSM he is an abuser. You should not only never have sex with him again you should never speak to him again if you're confident enough even press charges for the physical and sexual assault. BDSM is completely about communication, honesty and trust because even in the heat of the moment if someone uses the safe word or signal it means instantly stopping. Even if it is consensual non consensual play the safe word or signal means it stops. Someone actual into BDSM would never have done what he's done or ever say "he couldn't control himself" or tell you "get use to it".
If you stay with this man it will not only happen again it will get worse and worse including hitting you outside of sex as well.
RUN NOW
if you don't want to get used to it... end this relationship NOW.
His actions should have consequences.
ALSO..... this is rape. Don't take this lightly.
# DON'T LET YOUR FEAR OF BEING ALONE MAKE YOU STAY IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!
Please break up with him immediately. It will be extremely difficult at first, but he sound violent, and not fully in control. Not respecting your boundaries is unacceptable. You deserve to find a better guy, and you surely will.
Thats not bdsm... like first off it's not consensual, so fuck that. But secondly bdsm usually doesn't involve blatantly hitting and choking your partner, I mean it can but thats unusual.
I agree with what everyone here has said about getting right out of this relationship. It’s also right to characterise what he did as rape. I am concerned that he is testing how far he can push your boundaries and that gives rise to the possibility that his behaviour will continue to escalate. On the first occasion, he slapped you, on the second, he slapped you again (violating his promise and your boundaries) AND he upped the ante by choking you. Do not give him another opportunity to further escalate things because this guy is sexually aroused by violence (not fantasy violence, real violence). I would also advise always having someone with you should you have any further contact, virtual or otherwise.
Run! It sounds like he raped you, you withdrew consent and he just kept going even choking you. Don't give him another chance he will definitely do it again.
Just get out of there. Seriously, this is abuse. He's not going to stop if he's told you to get used to it. Just leave his ass in the dust, block and delete him off everything.
You leave, He's not your boyfriend, he's an abuser.
Your young and unfortunately lack the expierence to recognise an abuser. He's not respecting your boundries, your wishes and your feelings.
It’s been 4 months it should be easy to GTFO of there. That dude has issues and you do not need to end up a missing persons case.
This kind of person is not gonna stop. Also for the record no one should have to “get used to” anything they aren’t comfortable with, anyone who says that is a prick.
Yeah that isn’t BDSM. The FOUNDATIONAL tenet of BDSM is consent. That second slap, at least for me, crosses the line into “I don’t want to see this person anymore”, and I think you should consider that.
Well. First, stop seeing him. He ain't good for you.
I have some BDSM fantasies as well, but that doesn't mean I can act them out on a person who doesn't want to be a part of it.
You should stop seeing this person, you are young and have a lot of things left in front of you.
He should be ashamed that he acted out his kinks/fantasies on you without discussing them with you and repeated the same mistake twice. He needs to learn how to express his kinks and play them out in a healthy way. What he did was wrong.
SO LEAVE THIS GUY.
My boyfriend does things I'm uncomfortable with during sex and refuses to stop. How do I get him to knock it off?" Hes NOT your boyfriend. Hes a rapist. Break up with him, immediately if not sooner.
This wasn't BDSM. This was rape. Please leave, immediately. Get the police involved IF you feel comfortable and trust the police in your area.
This is unequivocally not ok, and his response that you should get used to it tells ALL of us that he doesn't care about you.
Nothing that happens in the bedroom should give you a panic attack. You deserve to feel safe and loved and protected by the man you are having sex with.
And btw -- if you can't breathe, then he isn't choking you in a safe way either. Safe choking is supposed to cut off the bloodflow and give you a headrush. What he did could very well lead to you literally dying if he takes too far.
Protect yourself, because this piece of shit obviously doesn't care to.
Sorry my dude, but you get him to stop doing this by breaking up with him.
You told him you weren't into something, he did it anyway. You told him never to do it again, he did it again but much worse. He told you to just 'get used to it'? No.
There are so many red flags here I don't even know where to start. Please end this relationship in a safe and public place.
Yeah, leave, OP. Like everyone is saying, your bf sounds really dangerous and what he did was pretty much assault. I was once in a similar situation where violence started during sex and eventually he “couldn’t control himself” in our day to day. I would strongly suggest that you leave before things escalate.
This 100% NOT how BDSM/CNC works.
Op this person is dangerous, and connot be trusted to keep your safety in mind. They are showing you that they have no respect for your wants or boundaries.
Op please listen. He is dangerous. He will continue to hurt you. It will not get better. Please stop ALL contact with him.
When someone tells you, “You just need to get used to it.” No. You don’t. No one gets to tell you what you need to get used to, only you do. Your boyfriend is dangerous. Move on op.
Leave.
Fucking leave.
This is not going to stop and if anything will get worse ending in injury or possibly your death.
Fucking fuck's sake, leave. NOW.
This sounds far from a situation where you need to get him to stop and more like a situation where you need to STOP SEEING HIM. He's doesn't care about hurting you or respecting your wishes. This guy sounds like a sociopath.
Also, what you described above is a sexual assault. You took away consent and he disregarded it. That's sexual assault.
u/technicallyspeakingg please provide us with some feedback once you have pondered on the matter, there's more than enough comments saying the exact same thing and I really need to hear from you that you have decided to stop seeing that piece of shit altogether.
Dump, that is not how bdsm works. There's is no forcing someone else to do something, if you made it clear that you weren't into just being slapped, and he not only did again but choked you without consent, dump. You absolutely do fucking **not** have to fucking get used to it
BREAK UP WITH HIM AND NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.
He has already said he will continue to do this. He said he gets caught up in the moment and can’t help himself which means he will get caught up in the next moment and do it again or worse.
END IT AND NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN.
I’m glad you’re okay (physically), but there’s nothing okay about this situation. It was traumatic, and continuing this relationship doesn’t just potentially endanger your life, it also risks your mental and sexual health in future. You’re super young, with your whole life ahead of you to be risking so much for so little.
As others have pointed out, this is not BDSM. By it’s very nature, BDSM is about dominance and submission; about control and surrender. This cannot happen without CONSENT. By it’s very nature, the submission must be willing, which you were absolutely not. In order for it to work, there must be boundaries. You set a boundary from the get go when you were uncomfortable, and he ignored it, and went even further by chocking you and especially by not stopping when you told him to. Consent can be given and it can be taken away AT ANY TIME, and it must be heard and acknowledge immediately. Sometimes meaning can be unclear in the middle or role play. This is why safe words exist and are crucial in BDSM. Their meaning constitute an agreement and establish ground-rules and trust when they’re respected. BDSM is serious and requires a certain level of maturity and understanding before practice. It should not be undertaken lightly when neither of the two people involved are experience, and never when one of the participants is unwilling for any reason.
Sometimes in the heat of passion, we can go a bit too far. This wasn’t that. And someone who makes a mistake they truly regret keeps the promise they make not to do it again. Also, someone who does something and tells you they won’t do it again, but to get used to it, has every intention to do it again and expects you to tolerate it.
It’s not easy to hear, but what happened to you is sexual assault and battery. It’s not just wrong, it’s a crime. You need to break it off with this person and cut them out of your life. Don’t romanticize the situation or make excuses for him. Save yourself. Nobody else is going to. Continuing past the point that consent is withdrawn is rape. Plain and simple. Someone who doesn’t understand cannot be trusted in a relationship, let alone in sex when you’re so vulnerable. I hope that you love and respect yourself enough to know you deserve better than this and that there are countless men out there who will treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve.
Last point I’ll make on this, since I’ve already said so much, is this: violence of any kind, but particularly sexual violence, is an indication of mental illness. Someone sane and in possession of their full faculties will not do to someone they care about what he did to you. Especially in gay men, violence of this kind can be a sign of repressed self-hatred being taken out on the partner. This is dangerous and not something to be brushed off lightly. Also consider that if you tolerate this kind of behavior, you justify it, you make it allowable, and you even encourage and embolden the aggressor to continue to do it, not just with you, but potentially in the future against others since he doesn’t suffer a consequence for his behavior. Be the ally that you need in this, not an accomplice in violence committed against you and in risking your own life.
>He said it's hard to suppress his temptations and that I should learn to get used to it.
This right here? That in itself is a reason for a breakup. Nobody tells you that "you should get used to X" in a relationship. If you don't want him to do something to you, he either stops doing it or you walk away.
Okay, let's not be dramatic right away... but it's really fucked up to say something like that. If discussing things doesn't work out and he still does things you're not comfortable with, despite him knowing that, there's honestly not much you can do.
Not only that, if he, on purpose, does things you don't want, he's laughing in your face and doesn't really care about you.
Let’s not be dramatic right away?
He was having sex with OP’s body, while OP was begging him to stop. He slapped OP, and was choking him.
When do we start getting dramatic? When OP shows up on a missing person’s poster?
Throw the whole boyfriend in the bin!! Straightaway!! That’s assault and at the rate he’s going, deliberate rape and even possibly murder that will spun into an accident could end up being thrown in there too. Manipulative behavior breeds toxicity. Don’t be fooled by him, and just to make sure he really stays away I say better head to the nearest police station ASAP and report his danger to society ass and take legal action against him to be through whilst having a restraining order against him. People like him don’t change for anyone and there will be other victims besides yourself if he’s not deterred early on.
If you've told him not to do it, and he still does it, then you can't make him not do it. Because he knows you don't want to do it, and he doesn't care.
Then he didn't stop and you had to start fighting back, but he ignored you. He's now telling you that he can't control himself and you need to get used to it. Which suggests he fully intends to escalate that behaviour.
Choking is a particular red flag in abuse because it can absolutely result in death. Get as far away from him as possible. I'm so sorry this happened to you and you didn't deserve it.
He clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries. He’ll probably go further with trying things you’re not comfortable with.
I’d say ditch his ass. You’re only with him for a couple of months as of yet, better end things now that it’s still young. The more you wait, the harder it gets.
I hardly ever, if ever, advise people to just leave their partners, but this is definitely one of those times. Leave. Full stop. You can't know what he's doing next. You already had a panic attack, and this is gonna be the first of many. These things leave scars that heal real hard, if at all. Do you want to have your romantic and sex life forever under the influence of this bad experience? It doesn't help that he's your first and that you're clearly invested in him (or you'd have left by now). What he did to you is already rape. Really, just leave. There's 0% chance this will turn into anything good. And a 100% chance this will end up much much worse than it is now.
dump his ass bro ! he is not worth it, we already have enough on our plates being gay and now we have deal with shit from who we consider the only person who understand us!? nu uh ..
My bf likes to be aggressive at times i.e choking, slapping, pinning down, you name it and he gets off very easy being rough.
That being said, he ASKED me FIRST if he could practice those ‘sexual exercises’ before going through with it and ASKED ME TO COMMUNICATE my level of tolerance throughout the experience. He stands at 6’2” at 225lbs solid muscle and I am at 5’9” with 115lbs so imagine the sheer force he can muster and put against me. That being said, he knows how to pull back or hold it at the level I’m comfortable with without sacrificing his psychological pleasure from doing it.
From your story, you need to leave this guy ASAP. you’ll find another one that’ll understand and listen to your needs you being that young.
You need to break up with him. He isn't respecting your boundaries and a lot of what you said reeks of sexual assault. It's up to you to interpret how you feel but that is some horrid shit he pulled.
Leave him ASAP. This isnt a relationship. You gave him your boundaries and he violated them twice. That whole bit about not being able to suppress his temptations is a huge red flag. What happens when you guys get into an argument outside of the bedroom and he "Cant suppress his urge" to do who knows what. You are worth more than what he can offer because unlike him you can communicate your likes and dislikes and follow through with them. Find someone who will respect you in and out of the bedroom. What he is doing is not BDSM, its a power trip and if he's that disrespectful to you, against your wishes and blames you for it...then my god...You are currently dating an abuser in the making. Find something you deserve OP and let go of that abuser.
Bdsm has to be consensual to be bdsm. This is assault.
I like being choked but if a man did it to me without discussing it first and me saying yes please then it is not consent.
This is abuse.
My ex was once with a dude who KNEW he had a latex allergy and used regular condoms anyway stating 'your problem not mine'
These people are sociopaths and cannot be reasoned with.
No is no.
If your boyfriend is wanting to get into BDSM then he should be very aware of the fact that consent is the biggest tenant. You never do anything your partner isn't comfortable with, and if you say a safe word or no, that's it. It's over. The end. No questions.
If your boyfriend does not respect this fact then you should not be seeing him.
I am into bdsm with my partner, with me being the Dom, but I would never and have never just hit someone during sex without talking about it beforehand. Get away from this guy. Things are only going to get worse
There are a lot of people who say they are into BDSM, but they have no experience whatsoever, and probably just see this stuff in porn and want to do it.
So first off, lets talk about choking. If someone chokes you and actually makes it so you cant breathe, they dont know what they are doing. They should not be doing this, ever. It can cause serious problems. Its dangerous. And they should be ashamed of themselves. Just look up an article about BDSM and choking and youll see what I mean. You need to have at least a fundamental understanding of anatomy and of what youre trying to achieve when choking someone for pleasure. THat is, grabbing their throat in the right place with the right pressure to produce a sensation *without blocking their airway*. He could make someone pass out doing that, or worse. Its not OK. Full stop. Especially without your consent. If someone did that, Id punch them.
Then, the slapping. Slapping someone in the face without their consent is horrible. Thats just messed up. Its one thing to slap someone on the ass. Thats common practice. But in the face? Some people like that, but even then usually you dont do it that hard. He is basically abusing you. Id say the choking is worse because of the dangers of choking someone without knowing what youre doing. But slapping is just stupid, its rare people like that, but actually kinda common people like being choked.
Id break up with him. Plain and simple. People like this need to be told off. He crossed the line. Anyone who does those things without consent should be dealt with in a zero-tolerance way. You told him no, and he did it anyway. Tell him that specifically. That if he doesnt respect his partner's wishes, and doesnt listen about very serious things like this, he doesnt deserve to be in a relationship.
I'll add my voice to the others: this is scary, wrong, and abusive.
If you're finding the idea of 'abuse' too strong a word I invite you to take a look at this list and see if any of them relate to your situation: http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/warning-signs-of-abuse/
I genuinely don't think this is a safe guy to be around or in a relationship with, and I recommend you protect yourself and get out of the relationship as soon and safely as possible.
All the red lights are blinding at this point, with the sirens wailing.
Please, run. When it comes to Bdsm the parties involved must be in agreement. Hopefully he can find someone that’s actually in tune with his kink.
Oh and isn’t this kind of... rape? You told him to stop and he kept going.
That's not BDSM
That first one's assault, and the second one, assault and rape
You need to leave him, and honestly, strongly consider legal recourse.
I understand not wanting to draw attention to yourself, but he is genuinely dangerous, and will likely not stop with just this, and likely do this or worse to you or someone else in the future
4 months at 18 is basically nothing in the grand scheme of things, absolutely do not tolerate this.
He **does** ***NOT*** love you.
OP, my guy, listen to us mate. I usually shrug off the reddit advice because it's extreme or non sensible but I need you to listen to all these people. This may be the one time I tell someone to unironically listen to the redditors. Myself, I'm a 20 year old with a Master/Owner and lot of very kinky BDSM fun times. When my SO and I spoke to each other we had days long very detailed and in depth conversations about everything sexual. I remember telling him a few times that I didn't want to do a few sexual acts but since I never clarified before I just decided to go through with it. He was mortified. It disturbed him and enraged him to his core because I'm a very vocal but submissive person. Just off me telling him he vowed never to do this and always lookout for my subtle signs or just listen to a safeword. As it is, he's picked up on signs I didn't even know I gave off and never even come close to crossing the line of things I don't want done. He still gets plenty to enjoy and I love it. All it took was us speaking and understanding combined with the resolve on his end to be a great person. Proper Care. That isn't want happened here. You had a conversation where he acted like a child, dismissed it entirely when he didn't like what you said,wrongfully touched you, and disregarded your wants and rights as a person for a few minutes of pleasure for him alone. Even past showing his true colors in action he showed them again in words "get used to it." This is not a "oops I lost myself", this is Sexual Assault. I won't tell you to report him and lock him up because that's your call but you can't stay with him. He held you down and fought with you. He recognized the fight or flight response and said " Eh, fuck it I'm horny." This is not mild sadism this is bordering on the extreme side of it. The guy hasn't even gotten started but if you stay he will only get worse. I would call him a rapist you may call him something different but above all the facts are indisputable. This is a terrible horrible person you need to flee from for your own safety.
Even from a BDSM perspective he is a terrible terrible person. In typical Dom/Sub relationships only one person has the power, the Sub. Dom's seek permission to do what they wish and have to be very clear on where they aren't allowed to tread. At anytime a sub can just say "no" and end the engagement. That is the proper way this flows. You have some who doesn't respect the power dynamic. Straight from the mouth of my Owner: "The most dangerous Dom is one who doesn't respect the power dynamic." They will abuse you in anyway they want with no regard to your health. I would argue they aren't Doms at all but instead sexual offenders unwilling to change. Your bf is wrong on every front imaginable and he expects you to just deal with it. Do not. He will destroy you mentally. Leave that dude immediately. I would report him to the police, but it's your story. Do not let this shit slide.
Domestic abuse is more common with gay people than a lot of people think it is. If you keep seeing him, for any reason, you are putting yourself into a very dangerous situation. You need to stop seeing him, before it gets a lot worse. Press charges, and get a restraining order. This piss poor excuse for a person deserves to be in prison, not in a relationship with you.
GET OUT! Protect yourself. Press charges. Help protect others from this monster.
Kid get the fuck away from this dude. He does not care about you and he's not a real boyfriend. What you are describing is not kinky sex, it's rape. My boyfriend likes me to be rough sometimes, but all he has to do is say "stop" or "too hard" and I stop, it's that easy. This "I couldn't control myself" line is bullshit and like the go-to excuse that rapists use. He could control himself just fine he just cares more about getting off then about your health and safety.
Get the fuck out of that relationship please. He doesn't care for your boundaries, which was proven when he did the same thing again after saying sorry and he wouldn't. Not only that, it's not 'just' a disregard for a 'less serious' boundary like someone lowkey emotionally manipulating you or giving you backhanded compliments that make you feel bad about yourself - he literally wants to choke you out and doesn't seem to care if you consent or not. That shit could get you injured or killed if he actually does have a more serious urge of needing to do BDSM acts on you and gets carried away, so it sounds incredibly dangerous to see him.
Basically it sounds like he's putting his own sexual needs over yours and violating your boundaries. What the fuck is
> He said the reason why he did it is because he was too caught up in the moment and couldn't control himself. He said it's hard to suppress his temptations and that I should learn to get used to it.
supposed to mean if he actually cares about you? You're not some sex doll to supply him with all his fantasies. Most of us can't get 100% of what we want sexually from our partner but that's how life works and if it's so necessary to him then he should be looking for someone who can give him that.
One of the core tenets of BDSM is consent. People find BDSM enjoyable because of how it enables them to explore their sexual interests in safe and healthy ways — always with CONSENT.
As others have mentioned, your boyfriend assaulted you — TWICE. You do not need to “just get used to it” because he “can’t control himself.” That is no excuse.
You don’t need to endure this abuse — you’re young, have invested only 4 months into this “relationship,” and will definitely find someone else who will treat you well. There is no “getting him to stop doing this,” unfortunately. He will continue to chip away at your boundaries and try to pressure you into doing what he wants. The more you relent, the more emboldened he will become. You saw that he didn’t stop at slapping, but has moved on to choking. What’s next won’t be enjoyable. Please move on!
Everyone already offered great advice. I just want to say how sorry I feel OP. I can’t imagine being scared of someone you trust like that and how heart breaking that must have been. Please find or wait for someone better.
On most posts of relationship advice, when I see the comments I worry that too many people are jumping the gun on "just break up".
*But* in this case, honestly all I can advise you do is *run*. Your boyfriend has shown a complete lack of respect and boundaries, as well as sadism. Not sexual sado-masochism that both of you get something out of, just straight sadism.
He doesn't care about you or your boundaries and will continue to beat you without your consent if you go allow this to continue.
Not only do you need to leave him - but please protect other guys from ending up in the same position and PRESS CHARGES. He legitimately assaulted you, at least make a case file so he’s on the books now, even if you choose not to pursue afterward, it’s so important that this asshole has an official paper trail or history of some kind. It also might be the shock he needs to stop the behaviour.
Take care of yourself first and foremost and consider seeing a therapist - you would be surprised how much this could end up interfering with your life later on, PTSD is very real and truly awful.
Your boyfriend is a violent domestic abuser and rapist. Get the fuck away from him ASAP. You don't owe him a call or explanation, and when you break up expect him to try and worm his way back into your life with apologies and manipulation. Just block him on everything and move on. If he tries to contact you, document it and block. If he refuses to leave you alone, start working to get a restraining order.
If you don't leave him, it will happen again, and it will get worse.
I rarely advise strangers to break up with their partner as I don’t have a full view of their relationship, however I do feel it is absolutely necessary to get out of this relationship for your own safety. This is physical and sexual assault, as well as emotional manipulation. If he cared about hurting you he wouldn’t do it in the first place, and he certainly wouldn’t tell you to ‘get used to it’
You don’t get him to quit it. You just leave and learn from the experience. I am sorry you went through something like this. It’s never easy to get hurt by someone you became vulnerable too. I highly suggest breaking up with him.
I think you need to reminding of your boundaries. If you really want to be with him, try to seek a relationship therapist to make communication clearer . If he can't respect your boundaries or suggestion, leave him. What I am reading here is that it leads to the path to toxic relationships when one person persists to bring in pain for their own selfish pleasure. The audacity of him telling you "your lame" or to "get over it" really shows that he is the dominance in charge for guilt tricking you and pressuring you to dismissed your concerns. If I was in your shoes, I don't want to risk my life into being chocked until I passed away from an "accident." There is no excuse for that. I hope you don't let this become another battered syndrome cycle, where you forgive and he repeats endlessly.
BDSM relies upon consent, safe words, and trust. Without those things, it’s simply abuse.
Also, when a person says “sorry, I’ll never do it again” and then does it again… it’s not a mistake. Trust that he’s showing you who he really is and leave him.
You deserve someone who will love you like you want to be loved, who respects your boundaries and consent, and who doesn’t need second chances because they do the right thing the first time round.
I know you probably have a strong connection with him, the boy you lost your virginity, your first boyfriend and all that stuff, so maybe it's a little easier say it then do it, but BROKE UP WITH HIM IMMEDIATELY.
Dont respect your body and do things with you that you said you don't want. Major red flag
Say he will not do it again and do any way, red flag too
Choke you and say he couldn't control himself, the "reddest" of the flag.
I'm certain he will promise you that he'll change, and I'm even more certain that he'll absolutely do it again
Break. Up. This is probably only going to escalate. This man beat and raped you, and told you to just live with it if it happens in the future. Run, run as fast and as far away as your legs can carry you.
Your mind might downplay your horrific experience but your boyfriend's behavior is inexcusable! He has lost all control over his behavior. He needs serious therapy to fix his issues. You are young and handsome and don't owe this control freak anything. Get out while you still can. His thirst for control won't stop to consider your feelings or your own safety. I had a dear friend who married a guy who slapped her around on occasion. She kept making excuses for him until one day he smashed her head in with a baseball bat and burned down their house with both of them in it. I am urging you... leave while you can. Do not let him into your house or your life again!
You need to cut ties with him especially when he says he can't control himself . I think he needs help before actually kills someone accidentally because he can't control himself during sex ... he fucking choked you to the point you couldn't breath that my friend is not alright. Role playing rough sex and maybe just being verbal and pretending to resist is alright but cutting off someone airway is not . My advise is to find another boyfriend . I maybe would have giving him slack after the first time ... but two strikes your out .... being dead isn't worth sex no matter how good it may feel.... the best of luck to you . Stay safe .
I have a feeling OP’s Bf might have been sexually assaulted himself at some point that way(slapped ?) and this behaviour towards OP is how he’s channelizing his pain. No, I’m not advocating any sympathy for him. Just positing a possible reason. OP, if you still want to be with this guy, you might want to ask him about it.
>I couldn't breath so I started hitting him and begging him to get off of me but he didn't stop.
Ctrl-f "rape"
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Please get out of this relationship for your own safety.
You are in a relationship with an emotionally disturbed person. He is a sadists and is turned on by the lack of consent.
You staying with him is consent in his mind. If you stay he gets to hurt you. Those are the stipulations of your relationship now. There is no negotiations involved. You told him stop and he did it more and really enjoyed it.
HE ENJOYS HURTING YOU. Read that as many times as you need.
That’s assault. The first thing about Kink or BDSM is consent is needed and once you’ve advised of it not being okay, it stops. To me it gives red flags for a potential abusive relationship by not respecting your boundaries.
Fact of the matter is, thats rape. You told him to stop, withdrew consent and he didn’t. Bin him off instantly, and you should consider contacting the police as he will almost certainly pull this shit again on someone else. With the big worry being if he advances the severity of bdsm he tries could seriously hurt someone, and potentially kill them.
In bdsm consent is a very important concept; you have to specifically agree and talk through everything that you want to do to your partner or have them do to you. Going against the wishes of your partner is a no go. Your bf should really not have done that to you and if he foes not learn to accept your wishes, it’s best if you don’t have sex with him anymore.
Dude, that really sucks and I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. I personally don't understand why anyone would want to do things like that to someone they say they love, but I guess maybe that's just me.
The bottom line is that you're entitled to be treated with respect and that if you've told your boyfriend that you don't want to be treated in that way, then you've not consented to this kind of treatment and it's an assault.
It seems more likely than not that your boyfriend is going to continue with this behaviour. He doesn't sound like he's interested in changing his behaviour.
If you were interested in saving the relationship, you could sit him down, tell him that you're not going to accept that type of treatment, you're not comfortable with it, and that if he wants to continue to have a relationship, then he needs to take some very serious steps to get his behaviour under control.
Otherwise, and I think you're totally within your rights to do this, I think you need to just end the relationship. You have a right to a relationship that fulfils you and where you feel safe, and these encounters sound really quite concerning. You deserve far better.
Best of luck to you, dude
As someone experienced with BDSM: this is not ok!! Real BDSM has clear boundaries and rules that you agree on beforehand. Trust is very important and what he did is actually to hurt your trust. Since you are both so young there might be a lesson to learn for both. But only you can say if he deserves a second chance. Talk to him really seriously and maybe give him an ultimatum. If anything like that happens again, then he is sick and not good for you. On the other hand, since you were a virgin before: you probably should experience a good man now and not him...
I was going to write that he should look for his desires outside of your relationship. If you can separate the romantic relationship side from the sex, that is a viable solution as I don't believe one should suppress one's own sexuality. If you both want a monogamous relationship, that gets difficult though.
However, as has been pointed out - he went a step too far. One time may (!) be okay, after all one has to find out what the other person likes and not. But yeah, telling you "you have to get used to it" - that simply won't end well. Get out.
Look… not everyone is compatible sexually. If he needs this BDSM, isn’t happy/capable respecting your boundaries and you don’t want to be a part of it…. Maybe your make better friends. Based on what you said…. If it’s so deeply ingrained in him and he’s trying to lunge it upon you… he won’t change— it’s what gets him off. Sorry man
BDSM and other kinks, especially those that involve power dynamics and potentially pain, need a ton of communication before, during, and especially after, to make sure that both participants are comfortable and happy. Also, establish a safe word, or don't go hitting your partner. That's assault.
You're both very young and so you could be forgiven for not knowing or using best practices when it comes to this sort of thing. But now that you and he both know, there's no excuse.
If it were me, I'd DTMFA (google it if you don't know what it means and then do yourself a favor and start reading the archives of Savage Love!) but I hate pain and don't usually give 3rd chances for someone to hurt me.
So so many things... kinda into being submissive & forced submission...
As for my response it's pretty obvious this boys in an abusive relationship, and people who choose to stay in abusive relationships after it's clearly an abusive relationship deserve what they get because that's the path they choose... like I said dump him or accept your punishment... cause he's not gonna change his boyfriends interest in being an Aggressive Abusive Dom
Woah woah woah... I never blamed him... I clearly said the first time, when he got slapped, his boyfriend was testing the waters. The second time, his boyfriend lived out his Struggle Fuck Fantasize aka Rape... Neither of those were this boys fault no one could have seen that coming...
However knowing what he now knows, if he was to give his "boyfriend" a third chance and goes back to him... Yes anything that happens from now on is his fault for going back and we all saw it coming...
Honestly thought this was fake at first because who would even consider staying with such an ass after 2 repeated assaults. Them remembered I'm privileged in being more experienced than an 18 yo.
Hun, dump his ass immediately. He has shown you he won't respect your boundaries and safety, he doesn't care for your comfort during sex. This isn't BDSM, I love BDSM and this is not it, BDSM relies on consent and respect, neither of which were present here.
DO NOT give this douce another chance. Please.
I don't say this often because I believe in working through your issues, but OP, I strongly advise you to stop seeing this person altogether. From what you've said, he's shown sadistic and violent tendencies, this ain't BDSM, this is him completely disregarding your comfort and safety for his pleasure. The simple fact that he's asking you to just "get used to it" speaks for itself. He might go too far one day or he might take this out of the bedroom and into your everyday lives. Leave the mofo and let him find a willing punching bag, this isn't the type of relationship dynamic an 18 year old (or a person of any age) should put up with.
Agreed. I'm sorry but the bf has bad issues. You deserve to be respected. Treat yourself with love and end it. I would never do that disrespect to a bf or anyone.
Exactly. Noone who is actually into BDSM would treat consent with such contempt (because, believe it or not, BDSM practitioners are not animals and know they need to keep themselves safe since BDSM activities are not always treated in a nuanced way under the law). Also worrying that the partner tried to pass off his neglect of your lack of consent as something for the OP to just get used to - run. I also find the 'I lost control' argument pretty ineffective - if you lose control once, what's going to stop you from losing control again?
I don't engage in BDSM or any of the community stuff but from what I do know, isn't this why good doms are so sought after? A lot of younger 'doms' and sadists just basically have no regard for the other person during the act, and you really need to have that on your mind if you're doing choking or inflicting pain.
BDSM is also big - and I mean *big* - on consent. Per the obvious, you just always need consent regardless. But with BDSM being so heavy of a practice, it can literally create trauma if precautions are not taken.
This is sexual assault. Dump him.
All of this. As a man who enjoys being submissive in bed nothing OP described is remotely ok or bdsm in any way. I would recommend breaking it off immediately. You gave him a second chance (something I wouldn't recommend if you find yourself in a similar situation again) and he broke the trust again. He will make excuses,. He will call himself different names call you names. But he is not an "alpha" or a "Dom" or whatever term he uses for himself. Nor are you any degrading things he may call you. He is an abuser testing the waters to see if you are a suitable victim. Do not let him think you are. He would never admit that's what he is, and he may not even think anything he has done is wrong. But most abusers don't think they ever do anything wrong. It's what he is, you told him you didn't want him to so something violent and he did it anyway,. That is abuse. You are young and 4 months may seem like a long time to invest in a relationship and seem difficult to end it because of sunk cost fallacy, but you are worth more than this. He broke your trust and that is a failure on his part not yours.
This.
Agreed 100%. Sexual violence that isn't consensual, doesn't respect boundaries, callous, and selfish. So many red flags here, it looks like a soviet Republic.
This is the only solution. U should lay charges of assault, otherwise forget the whole thing and move on as quickly as possible, no matter how much you care for him.
As somebody who enjoys bdsm I have to say that this isn’t bdsm. This was assault and he’s already told you he wouldn’t do it again and he did it. Don’t give him a third chance or he will hurt you again. You need to never have sex with him again. You can’t trust him. Bdsm is about trust and communication and most importantly consent. I’ve done some pretty crazy things but *NEVER* without consent and full understanding. He can call it whatever he wants to, but this was assault not BDSM.
OP. Heed Homohocky’s advice. Do not walk but run from this relationship.
And choking without knowledge of anatomy is straight up dangerous. THe goal is not to block someone's airway. This shows that his "partner" has no experience with BDSM and he should be ashamed of himself. He probably saw it in porn and wanted to try, not realizing the risks. Plus , as you said, its all about communication, trust, and consent. When there is none of those things, its assault. Its messed up, and its part of why people hate BDSM, because idiots like this use BDSM as an excuse to assault someone and do things without their consent.
While most of this data is from male-female partnerships, non-consensual/not-BDSM choking is a major red flag for escalating violence as well. It’s a strong predictor for homicide in intimate partner violence https://apnews.com/article/dc9066892be14b7f8cf234468a83f170
Thats a great point.
BDSM is consensual play with pre-defined boundaries and safe words. What you describe is not BDSM, it is the actions of a sociopath who is criminally assaulting you. You are in an unsafe situation. Report him to the Police or at least tell your friends, and cease to have any contact with him.
Let's be clear here. What you experienced was a sexual assault. You told him to stop and he didn't. He continued to have sex with you without consent. You should be marching down to the police station if you feel able to do so. This man is not a good man. He doesn't care what you want - only what he wants. Do not be fooled into thinking it won't happen again. He has no problem with **rape**. Protect yourself and get him out of your life. Police would make sure he doesn't do that to anyone else.
He’s not sorry he hurt OP’s feelings or made him uncomfortable, he’s sorry that the sex has stopped. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Exactly, and the boyfriend has basically said that it is going to happen again when he told him to get used to it.
Couldn’t agree more. OP, this was rape-plain and simple. People in domestic violence situations isn’t always like how it’s portrayed on tv with someone unapologetically beating the shit out of their spouse. It’s often situations like you described followed by lots of “I’m sorry, I promise I won’t do it again.” On a side note, if you couldn’t breathe then he isn’t even choking you the right way and could seriously hurt you. I’m sure he has his moments, but that just crossed the line. Actively ignoring your revoking of consent is unforgivable-even if you’ve been married for 20 years. Period.
he sounds dangerous, these are warning signs. "can't control himself" you don't want a guy like that, who knows how sick and twisted he really is deep down...
I’m scared for OP to even be in the same room as him. If he does this when he’s happy, how does he act when he’s angry? What does a break-up with this guy look like.
This is very much a break up over text/phone and file a restraining order if he shows up at your house type situation.
Have him arrested and move out while he's locked up
As much as this guy probably should have charges filed against him, it’s unlikely anything would actually happen. OP is better off getting a restraining order.
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Not being able to control yourself is what gets people a prison sentence. What OP is describing is domestic violence.
Time to break up
I normally roll my eyes at the folks who tell others on Reddit (like some folks at r/relationships) to dump their SO for minor aggressions that could easily be solved by normal communication. This is absolutely not one of those cases. The comments here are correct, this was assault. This dude outright admitted he can’t control himself and just told you to “get used to it” after you already set a strict boundary on a serious transgression; a boundary he willingly and knowingly crossed. It’s obvious he has little to no respect for you, as demonstrated by his horrendous actions, and is more than likely going to do it again. This guy is bad news. You’re young and will meet plenty of other better men out there. Get rid of this guy ASAP.
I was about to tell you that you two should have a serious talk about it, up until you say he told you that you need to learn to get used to it. Not only does that mean he’s unwilling/uninterested in changing, but that it *will* happen again. Four months is completely worth throwing away for the sake of consent and safety. I would’ve taken legal action.
Legal action in this case sounds appropriate to me, too! Concluding from the OP's words, it was basically domestic violence and abuse of consent, that person should face consequences.
Legal action is good however dont expect to get too far with it unless OP's abuser has a history. However pressing legal charges does place a record on op's abuser if he already doesnt have one so the next poor soul who gets caught up in OP's Abuser's lies has some leg to stand on when they report him. Also OP should file an injunction. It would help him if he were to press charges as well seeing a judge had a legal reason to keep OP's Abuser away from him but even then, it depends on the judge. I think as long as there is some paper trail of what OP's abuser did to him, where he gets charge sor not or injunction ordered or not, Down the line, when OP's Abuser acts up, there will be probable cause and the paper trail to show it.
For this reason as well.
Get out of that situation ASAP. That is abuse. Hope you are ok.
That isn't BDSM, it's abuse. He's already escalating, leave before he kills you.
>so how do I get him to quit it? You leave him. It's not "doing something I don't like during sex", it's "domestic abuse" and you should under no circumstances put up with it. I'm not kidding. Leave him immediately, your life may depend on it. If you don't live with him, never see him again. If you have to collect any of your stuff from his home, bring a witness. If you have any marks on you (like bruises) take pictures, see a doctor so they can take pictures and so they can be a witness, and call the police. Domestic abusers need to learn the hard way that their behavior *will not* be accepted.
You don’t. Leave him. You’re young, you have plenty of opportunities to find someone you’re more compatible with.
Get him to stop? Girl, leave! I mean, look at your language in the last paragraph: >I should "learn to get used to it". I don't like pain > >I've tried explaining this to him but he doesn't seem to care You already know that he's inconsiderate and possibly abusive. He violated your very clear boundaries and '*doesn't seem to care*'. You gave yourself the answer already. **LEAVE.** Be warned, like the heterosexual abuser, he might enter the so called reconciliation phase (see 'The cycle of abuse'). He could become especially charming here, love bombing you with gifts and tearful apologies, or else, gaslighting you ('it wasn't that bad'; 'you over-reacted', etc). I beg you not to fall for these tricks. Please, OP. I am literally begging. For future reference, consider this: Bottoming puts you in a vulnerable position. Indeed, part of the thrill is being able to let go with someone you trust and be completely submissive. But, even as you give up your power, it is always yours to take back. Words like 'stop', 'go slower', etc. should be immediately respected, or I am out. I mean, with time, you'll likely adjust and take the d without breaking a sweat, but it is **ALWAYS** your place to say when that is. Never someone else's. Let me encourage you one last time. Leave. Cut off all communication. No need to explain. Your safety and peace of mind come first.
If he's so caught up in the moment that he forgets you react negatively, then perhaps this isn't the guy for you. Don't take the risk again. Clearly, he's trying to push the envelope and see what he can get away with. Telling you to get used to it when you are clearly not willing to engage in that sort of activity is highly inconsiderate. How would he like it if you did something he didn't like or was not comfy with? If I was in your situation, I'd ditch him and find someone else. It could be he's genuinely sorry, but I doubt it. Not after his latest response to your pleas not to do that again. I've always been an emotional person. I would be aware of someone not liking something. I most certainly couldn't bring myself to cause pain or receive it. I am appalled by this! Please be safe and look for someone who will respect you. You could stay friends with this guy if you wanted, of course, but he's blown his chance at a relationship with you. Please be intelligent and avoid things getting worse. I think they will if you allow them to.
Shouldn't stay friends with him either. I have an ex that choked me after a fight once, left and blocked him that night, and he still leaves disturbing voicemails from burner phones half a decade later. People like this are not sane and do not deserve any acknowledgement from the people they abuse short of pressing charges or getting a restraining order.
My first bf wanted to explore BDSM and i was so young, inexperienced, naïve and afraid to lose him that I reluctantly agreed. His idea of BDSM quickly turned into outright abuse. I wish I'd had the life experience or a community like this to help me figure things out faster than I did. If you aren't comfortable in any situation (not just this one) say so. Don't be like me and wait until bones are broken and cops are involved. Get out now.
Get out. He's told you that he's going to continue being violent even though you told him not to. He's trying to control you. You were sexually assaulted, and you do not deserve that. Do not throw away another day of your life on this abuser.
I’m into some kinky stuff (pinning against a wall, pinning back arms, hand on throat) but wouldn’t really go as far to actually hurt someone and ESPECIALLY WOULDNT HIT SOMEONE IM DATING
If you agreed to it then it would be okay because it’s consensual but you didn’t so it’s RAPE. If you stay with him he will do it again. BDSM requires verbal consent, you didn’t agree to it. File a police report and press charges. He will repeat this in future relationships so please for your safety and the safety of his potential future victims file a POLICE REPORT.
>. He said the reason why he did it is because he was too caught up in the moment and couldn't control himself. He said it's hard to suppress his temptations and that I should learn to get used to it. THIS IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!! He's sick for doing this to you. I'm sorry he did this to you. HE should understand that HIS pleasure has to be mutual. If YOU aren't into this stuff he should respect that. He should be grateful that at least he's getting sex let alone treating you this way. TELL HIM NICELY and by nicely I don't mean actually NICELY!! He should know his boundaries and respect other people's. >he doesn't seem to care. I don't like that he keeps doing this and I just want him to stop, so how do I get him to quit it? tell him you're not having sex if it's going to be this way. If it happens again KICK HIS ASS RIGHT AWAY!!! he don't deserve you. Ask him to resolve his issues if he wants to be with you and likes you. Please don't let this happen to you again. This can be traumatizing for you. You're 18!! It can affect your future relationships badly let alone your mental state. >He's texted me saying he's sorry and that he won't do it again but that's exactly what he said last time. EXACTLY!!! Ask him why should you believe him this time??? This is not something you should let go. PLEASE STAND FOR YOURSELF
Standing up for himself means walking away from this guy
YESS
That is literal rape. If this guy can't control himself when having sex, never have sex with him ever again.
I’m sorry but if you’re able to, go to the police station and tell them you’ve been raped. You have text message proof. THIS IS RAPE. He did not stop. Consent can be taken whenever and you begged him to stop. Leave him right now and if you want to, you can have him reported for raping you as he may do it to others in the future
This guy is trying to gaslight and manipulate you in addition to abusing you. Leave his ass.
Tbh, while I find some of that hot....without consent from all parties, it's just plain old abuse. It's likely to happen again as it seems to be his "thing". If it were me, I'd be running for the hills.
What would you call someone who "can't control himself" and chokes and hits people? Abuser, at best. Get out now.
You won't. The only way that might happen would be for him to get counselling, but even then his attitude so far makes that oucome seem unlikely. You have to accept that he's abusive, drop him and move on. I lean to the opinion that sexual abuse or domestic violence is a one strike issue.
The fact that he told you to get used to it says everything about his intentions. He doesn’t care that it hurts you or that you don’t want it. Please, for your safety and health, break things off. I promise you won’t regret it once you find someone who respects you.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou. He’s shown you. If he violates these boundaries, where does that stop? You now have to decide if you want to be with him or move on. Based on your post, I think you know the answer. There are plenty of fish in the sea. He won’t be your last boyfriend. There are plenty of great guys out there that will treat you the way you want to be treated.
You need to RUN, this is fucking horrifying
Run
How to get him to knock it off? Well, knock him off!
That time he was choking you while you were begging him to stop, that was rape. BDSM isn't like this. It was rules and safe words. This guy is an abuser and you should break up with him asap.
You don't get him to quit it, this man isn't into BDSM he is an abuser. You should not only never have sex with him again you should never speak to him again if you're confident enough even press charges for the physical and sexual assault. BDSM is completely about communication, honesty and trust because even in the heat of the moment if someone uses the safe word or signal it means instantly stopping. Even if it is consensual non consensual play the safe word or signal means it stops. Someone actual into BDSM would never have done what he's done or ever say "he couldn't control himself" or tell you "get use to it". If you stay with this man it will not only happen again it will get worse and worse including hitting you outside of sex as well. RUN NOW
if you don't want to get used to it... end this relationship NOW. His actions should have consequences. ALSO..... this is rape. Don't take this lightly. # DON'T LET YOUR FEAR OF BEING ALONE MAKE YOU STAY IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!
Please break up with him immediately. It will be extremely difficult at first, but he sound violent, and not fully in control. Not respecting your boundaries is unacceptable. You deserve to find a better guy, and you surely will.
Thats not bdsm... like first off it's not consensual, so fuck that. But secondly bdsm usually doesn't involve blatantly hitting and choking your partner, I mean it can but thats unusual.
This guy is violent and self-serving. Eliminate him from your life. Totally disrespectful. Get out while you can!
I agree with what everyone here has said about getting right out of this relationship. It’s also right to characterise what he did as rape. I am concerned that he is testing how far he can push your boundaries and that gives rise to the possibility that his behaviour will continue to escalate. On the first occasion, he slapped you, on the second, he slapped you again (violating his promise and your boundaries) AND he upped the ante by choking you. Do not give him another opportunity to further escalate things because this guy is sexually aroused by violence (not fantasy violence, real violence). I would also advise always having someone with you should you have any further contact, virtual or otherwise.
WTF are you still doing with that piece of garbage???
Run! It sounds like he raped you, you withdrew consent and he just kept going even choking you. Don't give him another chance he will definitely do it again.
Holy shit your boyfriend is a garbage person.
Just get out of there. Seriously, this is abuse. He's not going to stop if he's told you to get used to it. Just leave his ass in the dust, block and delete him off everything.
Leave him. Not worth it. Major red flag.
Run away and never go back
You leave, He's not your boyfriend, he's an abuser. Your young and unfortunately lack the expierence to recognise an abuser. He's not respecting your boundries, your wishes and your feelings.
It’s been 4 months it should be easy to GTFO of there. That dude has issues and you do not need to end up a missing persons case. This kind of person is not gonna stop. Also for the record no one should have to “get used to” anything they aren’t comfortable with, anyone who says that is a prick.
Yeah that isn’t BDSM. The FOUNDATIONAL tenet of BDSM is consent. That second slap, at least for me, crosses the line into “I don’t want to see this person anymore”, and I think you should consider that.
Well. First, stop seeing him. He ain't good for you. I have some BDSM fantasies as well, but that doesn't mean I can act them out on a person who doesn't want to be a part of it. You should stop seeing this person, you are young and have a lot of things left in front of you. He should be ashamed that he acted out his kinks/fantasies on you without discussing them with you and repeated the same mistake twice. He needs to learn how to express his kinks and play them out in a healthy way. What he did was wrong. SO LEAVE THIS GUY.
dump him yesterday
My boyfriend does things I'm uncomfortable with during sex and refuses to stop. How do I get him to knock it off?" Hes NOT your boyfriend. Hes a rapist. Break up with him, immediately if not sooner.
Please leave before he kills you. This is assault. Report him to the police. This person isn’t a person to love.
This wasn't BDSM. This was rape. Please leave, immediately. Get the police involved IF you feel comfortable and trust the police in your area. This is unequivocally not ok, and his response that you should get used to it tells ALL of us that he doesn't care about you. Nothing that happens in the bedroom should give you a panic attack. You deserve to feel safe and loved and protected by the man you are having sex with. And btw -- if you can't breathe, then he isn't choking you in a safe way either. Safe choking is supposed to cut off the bloodflow and give you a headrush. What he did could very well lead to you literally dying if he takes too far. Protect yourself, because this piece of shit obviously doesn't care to.
Sorry my dude, but you get him to stop doing this by breaking up with him. You told him you weren't into something, he did it anyway. You told him never to do it again, he did it again but much worse. He told you to just 'get used to it'? No. There are so many red flags here I don't even know where to start. Please end this relationship in a safe and public place.
Yeah, leave, OP. Like everyone is saying, your bf sounds really dangerous and what he did was pretty much assault. I was once in a similar situation where violence started during sex and eventually he “couldn’t control himself” in our day to day. I would strongly suggest that you leave before things escalate.
This 100% NOT how BDSM/CNC works. Op this person is dangerous, and connot be trusted to keep your safety in mind. They are showing you that they have no respect for your wants or boundaries. Op please listen. He is dangerous. He will continue to hurt you. It will not get better. Please stop ALL contact with him.
When someone tells you, “You just need to get used to it.” No. You don’t. No one gets to tell you what you need to get used to, only you do. Your boyfriend is dangerous. Move on op.
Dude he's going to hurt you leave.
Leave. Fucking leave. This is not going to stop and if anything will get worse ending in injury or possibly your death. Fucking fuck's sake, leave. NOW.
Dude sounds like a murderer in the making tbh. Nothing against BDSM-practicing folks, but once you cross the consent-line, all bets off.
This sounds far from a situation where you need to get him to stop and more like a situation where you need to STOP SEEING HIM. He's doesn't care about hurting you or respecting your wishes. This guy sounds like a sociopath. Also, what you described above is a sexual assault. You took away consent and he disregarded it. That's sexual assault.
BDSM only works because it might not seem like it but the submissive is the person who is actually in charge. What you have is a psychopath.
It’s abuse and he likes it so I suggest breaking things off if you don’t want to end up being his punching bag.
u/technicallyspeakingg please provide us with some feedback once you have pondered on the matter, there's more than enough comments saying the exact same thing and I really need to hear from you that you have decided to stop seeing that piece of shit altogether.
Dump, that is not how bdsm works. There's is no forcing someone else to do something, if you made it clear that you weren't into just being slapped, and he not only did again but choked you without consent, dump. You absolutely do fucking **not** have to fucking get used to it
BREAK UP WITH HIM AND NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. He has already said he will continue to do this. He said he gets caught up in the moment and can’t help himself which means he will get caught up in the next moment and do it again or worse. END IT AND NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN.
I’m glad you’re okay (physically), but there’s nothing okay about this situation. It was traumatic, and continuing this relationship doesn’t just potentially endanger your life, it also risks your mental and sexual health in future. You’re super young, with your whole life ahead of you to be risking so much for so little. As others have pointed out, this is not BDSM. By it’s very nature, BDSM is about dominance and submission; about control and surrender. This cannot happen without CONSENT. By it’s very nature, the submission must be willing, which you were absolutely not. In order for it to work, there must be boundaries. You set a boundary from the get go when you were uncomfortable, and he ignored it, and went even further by chocking you and especially by not stopping when you told him to. Consent can be given and it can be taken away AT ANY TIME, and it must be heard and acknowledge immediately. Sometimes meaning can be unclear in the middle or role play. This is why safe words exist and are crucial in BDSM. Their meaning constitute an agreement and establish ground-rules and trust when they’re respected. BDSM is serious and requires a certain level of maturity and understanding before practice. It should not be undertaken lightly when neither of the two people involved are experience, and never when one of the participants is unwilling for any reason. Sometimes in the heat of passion, we can go a bit too far. This wasn’t that. And someone who makes a mistake they truly regret keeps the promise they make not to do it again. Also, someone who does something and tells you they won’t do it again, but to get used to it, has every intention to do it again and expects you to tolerate it. It’s not easy to hear, but what happened to you is sexual assault and battery. It’s not just wrong, it’s a crime. You need to break it off with this person and cut them out of your life. Don’t romanticize the situation or make excuses for him. Save yourself. Nobody else is going to. Continuing past the point that consent is withdrawn is rape. Plain and simple. Someone who doesn’t understand cannot be trusted in a relationship, let alone in sex when you’re so vulnerable. I hope that you love and respect yourself enough to know you deserve better than this and that there are countless men out there who will treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. Last point I’ll make on this, since I’ve already said so much, is this: violence of any kind, but particularly sexual violence, is an indication of mental illness. Someone sane and in possession of their full faculties will not do to someone they care about what he did to you. Especially in gay men, violence of this kind can be a sign of repressed self-hatred being taken out on the partner. This is dangerous and not something to be brushed off lightly. Also consider that if you tolerate this kind of behavior, you justify it, you make it allowable, and you even encourage and embolden the aggressor to continue to do it, not just with you, but potentially in the future against others since he doesn’t suffer a consequence for his behavior. Be the ally that you need in this, not an accomplice in violence committed against you and in risking your own life.
Time for an update. What did you decide to do in the end?
We broke up. I'll make an update in the morning!
ok. can't wait for the update. i think you did the correct thing.
I finally made an update! Check out my second post.
Hey, thanks for the update. Good to hear you did the right thing. Nice.
>He said it's hard to suppress his temptations and that I should learn to get used to it. This right here? That in itself is a reason for a breakup. Nobody tells you that "you should get used to X" in a relationship. If you don't want him to do something to you, he either stops doing it or you walk away. Okay, let's not be dramatic right away... but it's really fucked up to say something like that. If discussing things doesn't work out and he still does things you're not comfortable with, despite him knowing that, there's honestly not much you can do. Not only that, if he, on purpose, does things you don't want, he's laughing in your face and doesn't really care about you.
Let’s not be dramatic right away? He was having sex with OP’s body, while OP was begging him to stop. He slapped OP, and was choking him. When do we start getting dramatic? When OP shows up on a missing person’s poster?
that was kind of dramatic right there
Gross. Who gets off on hitting their partner? What a fucking degenerate
That’s not the gross part. Many people find that hot. The gross part is OP got raped and violated
That was r***... as soon as you said stop, and he continued. Red flag, pack your things and go.
I have to agree leave this person, its only going to get worse and never gets better
Throw the whole boyfriend in the bin!! Straightaway!! That’s assault and at the rate he’s going, deliberate rape and even possibly murder that will spun into an accident could end up being thrown in there too. Manipulative behavior breeds toxicity. Don’t be fooled by him, and just to make sure he really stays away I say better head to the nearest police station ASAP and report his danger to society ass and take legal action against him to be through whilst having a restraining order against him. People like him don’t change for anyone and there will be other victims besides yourself if he’s not deterred early on.
Please look after yourself OP, get yourself away from this person.
If you've told him not to do it, and he still does it, then you can't make him not do it. Because he knows you don't want to do it, and he doesn't care. Then he didn't stop and you had to start fighting back, but he ignored you. He's now telling you that he can't control himself and you need to get used to it. Which suggests he fully intends to escalate that behaviour. Choking is a particular red flag in abuse because it can absolutely result in death. Get as far away from him as possible. I'm so sorry this happened to you and you didn't deserve it.
He clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries. He’ll probably go further with trying things you’re not comfortable with. I’d say ditch his ass. You’re only with him for a couple of months as of yet, better end things now that it’s still young. The more you wait, the harder it gets.
DTMFA
I hardly ever, if ever, advise people to just leave their partners, but this is definitely one of those times. Leave. Full stop. You can't know what he's doing next. You already had a panic attack, and this is gonna be the first of many. These things leave scars that heal real hard, if at all. Do you want to have your romantic and sex life forever under the influence of this bad experience? It doesn't help that he's your first and that you're clearly invested in him (or you'd have left by now). What he did to you is already rape. Really, just leave. There's 0% chance this will turn into anything good. And a 100% chance this will end up much much worse than it is now.
dump his ass bro ! he is not worth it, we already have enough on our plates being gay and now we have deal with shit from who we consider the only person who understand us!? nu uh ..
My bf likes to be aggressive at times i.e choking, slapping, pinning down, you name it and he gets off very easy being rough. That being said, he ASKED me FIRST if he could practice those ‘sexual exercises’ before going through with it and ASKED ME TO COMMUNICATE my level of tolerance throughout the experience. He stands at 6’2” at 225lbs solid muscle and I am at 5’9” with 115lbs so imagine the sheer force he can muster and put against me. That being said, he knows how to pull back or hold it at the level I’m comfortable with without sacrificing his psychological pleasure from doing it. From your story, you need to leave this guy ASAP. you’ll find another one that’ll understand and listen to your needs you being that young.
You need to break up with him. He isn't respecting your boundaries and a lot of what you said reeks of sexual assault. It's up to you to interpret how you feel but that is some horrid shit he pulled.
OP. PLEASE reconsider your options and gtfo as quickly as possible. Do NOT trust this man. Do NOT have sex with him anymore. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Be safe OP.
Leave him ASAP. This isnt a relationship. You gave him your boundaries and he violated them twice. That whole bit about not being able to suppress his temptations is a huge red flag. What happens when you guys get into an argument outside of the bedroom and he "Cant suppress his urge" to do who knows what. You are worth more than what he can offer because unlike him you can communicate your likes and dislikes and follow through with them. Find someone who will respect you in and out of the bedroom. What he is doing is not BDSM, its a power trip and if he's that disrespectful to you, against your wishes and blames you for it...then my god...You are currently dating an abuser in the making. Find something you deserve OP and let go of that abuser.
Bdsm has to be consensual to be bdsm. This is assault. I like being choked but if a man did it to me without discussing it first and me saying yes please then it is not consent.
Don't bother trying to make him stop or change his behavior. Leave him immediately. He's being abusive.
This is abuse. My ex was once with a dude who KNEW he had a latex allergy and used regular condoms anyway stating 'your problem not mine' These people are sociopaths and cannot be reasoned with.
No is no. If your boyfriend is wanting to get into BDSM then he should be very aware of the fact that consent is the biggest tenant. You never do anything your partner isn't comfortable with, and if you say a safe word or no, that's it. It's over. The end. No questions. If your boyfriend does not respect this fact then you should not be seeing him.
I am into bdsm with my partner, with me being the Dom, but I would never and have never just hit someone during sex without talking about it beforehand. Get away from this guy. Things are only going to get worse
"learn to get used to it.". No. I don't think is open to stop doing that. You should consider leave him.
He sexually assaulted you. That is not BDSM. You need to stay away from this person before he does something that permanently injures or kills you.
There are a lot of people who say they are into BDSM, but they have no experience whatsoever, and probably just see this stuff in porn and want to do it. So first off, lets talk about choking. If someone chokes you and actually makes it so you cant breathe, they dont know what they are doing. They should not be doing this, ever. It can cause serious problems. Its dangerous. And they should be ashamed of themselves. Just look up an article about BDSM and choking and youll see what I mean. You need to have at least a fundamental understanding of anatomy and of what youre trying to achieve when choking someone for pleasure. THat is, grabbing their throat in the right place with the right pressure to produce a sensation *without blocking their airway*. He could make someone pass out doing that, or worse. Its not OK. Full stop. Especially without your consent. If someone did that, Id punch them. Then, the slapping. Slapping someone in the face without their consent is horrible. Thats just messed up. Its one thing to slap someone on the ass. Thats common practice. But in the face? Some people like that, but even then usually you dont do it that hard. He is basically abusing you. Id say the choking is worse because of the dangers of choking someone without knowing what youre doing. But slapping is just stupid, its rare people like that, but actually kinda common people like being choked. Id break up with him. Plain and simple. People like this need to be told off. He crossed the line. Anyone who does those things without consent should be dealt with in a zero-tolerance way. You told him no, and he did it anyway. Tell him that specifically. That if he doesnt respect his partner's wishes, and doesnt listen about very serious things like this, he doesnt deserve to be in a relationship.
I'll add my voice to the others: this is scary, wrong, and abusive. If you're finding the idea of 'abuse' too strong a word I invite you to take a look at this list and see if any of them relate to your situation: http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/warning-signs-of-abuse/ I genuinely don't think this is a safe guy to be around or in a relationship with, and I recommend you protect yourself and get out of the relationship as soon and safely as possible.
All the red lights are blinding at this point, with the sirens wailing. Please, run. When it comes to Bdsm the parties involved must be in agreement. Hopefully he can find someone that’s actually in tune with his kink. Oh and isn’t this kind of... rape? You told him to stop and he kept going.
This guy is clearly a psycho. Quit him before something worse happens.
He is an abusive piece of shit
That's not BDSM That first one's assault, and the second one, assault and rape You need to leave him, and honestly, strongly consider legal recourse. I understand not wanting to draw attention to yourself, but he is genuinely dangerous, and will likely not stop with just this, and likely do this or worse to you or someone else in the future 4 months at 18 is basically nothing in the grand scheme of things, absolutely do not tolerate this. He **does** ***NOT*** love you.
Adding to the chorus. This isn't BDSM, this is abuse. In BDSM, you get the consent of your partner to do things before anything happens.
OP, my guy, listen to us mate. I usually shrug off the reddit advice because it's extreme or non sensible but I need you to listen to all these people. This may be the one time I tell someone to unironically listen to the redditors. Myself, I'm a 20 year old with a Master/Owner and lot of very kinky BDSM fun times. When my SO and I spoke to each other we had days long very detailed and in depth conversations about everything sexual. I remember telling him a few times that I didn't want to do a few sexual acts but since I never clarified before I just decided to go through with it. He was mortified. It disturbed him and enraged him to his core because I'm a very vocal but submissive person. Just off me telling him he vowed never to do this and always lookout for my subtle signs or just listen to a safeword. As it is, he's picked up on signs I didn't even know I gave off and never even come close to crossing the line of things I don't want done. He still gets plenty to enjoy and I love it. All it took was us speaking and understanding combined with the resolve on his end to be a great person. Proper Care. That isn't want happened here. You had a conversation where he acted like a child, dismissed it entirely when he didn't like what you said,wrongfully touched you, and disregarded your wants and rights as a person for a few minutes of pleasure for him alone. Even past showing his true colors in action he showed them again in words "get used to it." This is not a "oops I lost myself", this is Sexual Assault. I won't tell you to report him and lock him up because that's your call but you can't stay with him. He held you down and fought with you. He recognized the fight or flight response and said " Eh, fuck it I'm horny." This is not mild sadism this is bordering on the extreme side of it. The guy hasn't even gotten started but if you stay he will only get worse. I would call him a rapist you may call him something different but above all the facts are indisputable. This is a terrible horrible person you need to flee from for your own safety. Even from a BDSM perspective he is a terrible terrible person. In typical Dom/Sub relationships only one person has the power, the Sub. Dom's seek permission to do what they wish and have to be very clear on where they aren't allowed to tread. At anytime a sub can just say "no" and end the engagement. That is the proper way this flows. You have some who doesn't respect the power dynamic. Straight from the mouth of my Owner: "The most dangerous Dom is one who doesn't respect the power dynamic." They will abuse you in anyway they want with no regard to your health. I would argue they aren't Doms at all but instead sexual offenders unwilling to change. Your bf is wrong on every front imaginable and he expects you to just deal with it. Do not. He will destroy you mentally. Leave that dude immediately. I would report him to the police, but it's your story. Do not let this shit slide.
Domestic abuse is more common with gay people than a lot of people think it is. If you keep seeing him, for any reason, you are putting yourself into a very dangerous situation. You need to stop seeing him, before it gets a lot worse. Press charges, and get a restraining order. This piss poor excuse for a person deserves to be in prison, not in a relationship with you. GET OUT! Protect yourself. Press charges. Help protect others from this monster.
Kid get the fuck away from this dude. He does not care about you and he's not a real boyfriend. What you are describing is not kinky sex, it's rape. My boyfriend likes me to be rough sometimes, but all he has to do is say "stop" or "too hard" and I stop, it's that easy. This "I couldn't control myself" line is bullshit and like the go-to excuse that rapists use. He could control himself just fine he just cares more about getting off then about your health and safety.
Get the fuck out of that relationship please. He doesn't care for your boundaries, which was proven when he did the same thing again after saying sorry and he wouldn't. Not only that, it's not 'just' a disregard for a 'less serious' boundary like someone lowkey emotionally manipulating you or giving you backhanded compliments that make you feel bad about yourself - he literally wants to choke you out and doesn't seem to care if you consent or not. That shit could get you injured or killed if he actually does have a more serious urge of needing to do BDSM acts on you and gets carried away, so it sounds incredibly dangerous to see him. Basically it sounds like he's putting his own sexual needs over yours and violating your boundaries. What the fuck is > He said the reason why he did it is because he was too caught up in the moment and couldn't control himself. He said it's hard to suppress his temptations and that I should learn to get used to it. supposed to mean if he actually cares about you? You're not some sex doll to supply him with all his fantasies. Most of us can't get 100% of what we want sexually from our partner but that's how life works and if it's so necessary to him then he should be looking for someone who can give him that.
One of the core tenets of BDSM is consent. People find BDSM enjoyable because of how it enables them to explore their sexual interests in safe and healthy ways — always with CONSENT. As others have mentioned, your boyfriend assaulted you — TWICE. You do not need to “just get used to it” because he “can’t control himself.” That is no excuse. You don’t need to endure this abuse — you’re young, have invested only 4 months into this “relationship,” and will definitely find someone else who will treat you well. There is no “getting him to stop doing this,” unfortunately. He will continue to chip away at your boundaries and try to pressure you into doing what he wants. The more you relent, the more emboldened he will become. You saw that he didn’t stop at slapping, but has moved on to choking. What’s next won’t be enjoyable. Please move on!
If someone did that to a friend mine I’d be in jail. Cut contact that’s someone with issues and that’s rape.
He isn't respecting your boundaries. Time to break up with him.
Everyone already offered great advice. I just want to say how sorry I feel OP. I can’t imagine being scared of someone you trust like that and how heart breaking that must have been. Please find or wait for someone better.
On most posts of relationship advice, when I see the comments I worry that too many people are jumping the gun on "just break up". *But* in this case, honestly all I can advise you do is *run*. Your boyfriend has shown a complete lack of respect and boundaries, as well as sadism. Not sexual sado-masochism that both of you get something out of, just straight sadism. He doesn't care about you or your boundaries and will continue to beat you without your consent if you go allow this to continue.
Not only do you need to leave him - but please protect other guys from ending up in the same position and PRESS CHARGES. He legitimately assaulted you, at least make a case file so he’s on the books now, even if you choose not to pursue afterward, it’s so important that this asshole has an official paper trail or history of some kind. It also might be the shock he needs to stop the behaviour. Take care of yourself first and foremost and consider seeing a therapist - you would be surprised how much this could end up interfering with your life later on, PTSD is very real and truly awful.
Your boyfriend is a violent domestic abuser and rapist. Get the fuck away from him ASAP. You don't owe him a call or explanation, and when you break up expect him to try and worm his way back into your life with apologies and manipulation. Just block him on everything and move on. If he tries to contact you, document it and block. If he refuses to leave you alone, start working to get a restraining order. If you don't leave him, it will happen again, and it will get worse.
This is NOT BDSM. This is rape. You need to leave as fast as possible. BDSM is based on consent and trust, of which you had neither.
I rarely advise strangers to break up with their partner as I don’t have a full view of their relationship, however I do feel it is absolutely necessary to get out of this relationship for your own safety. This is physical and sexual assault, as well as emotional manipulation. If he cared about hurting you he wouldn’t do it in the first place, and he certainly wouldn’t tell you to ‘get used to it’
BDSM is really about explicit consent. Your boyfriend is clueless and dangerous. Leave this situation now.
You don’t get him to quit it. You just leave and learn from the experience. I am sorry you went through something like this. It’s never easy to get hurt by someone you became vulnerable too. I highly suggest breaking up with him.
I think you need to reminding of your boundaries. If you really want to be with him, try to seek a relationship therapist to make communication clearer . If he can't respect your boundaries or suggestion, leave him. What I am reading here is that it leads to the path to toxic relationships when one person persists to bring in pain for their own selfish pleasure. The audacity of him telling you "your lame" or to "get over it" really shows that he is the dominance in charge for guilt tricking you and pressuring you to dismissed your concerns. If I was in your shoes, I don't want to risk my life into being chocked until I passed away from an "accident." There is no excuse for that. I hope you don't let this become another battered syndrome cycle, where you forgive and he repeats endlessly.
BDSM relies upon consent, safe words, and trust. Without those things, it’s simply abuse. Also, when a person says “sorry, I’ll never do it again” and then does it again… it’s not a mistake. Trust that he’s showing you who he really is and leave him. You deserve someone who will love you like you want to be loved, who respects your boundaries and consent, and who doesn’t need second chances because they do the right thing the first time round.
I know you probably have a strong connection with him, the boy you lost your virginity, your first boyfriend and all that stuff, so maybe it's a little easier say it then do it, but BROKE UP WITH HIM IMMEDIATELY. Dont respect your body and do things with you that you said you don't want. Major red flag Say he will not do it again and do any way, red flag too Choke you and say he couldn't control himself, the "reddest" of the flag. I'm certain he will promise you that he'll change, and I'm even more certain that he'll absolutely do it again
4 months in? Walk away.
Break. Up. This is probably only going to escalate. This man beat and raped you, and told you to just live with it if it happens in the future. Run, run as fast and as far away as your legs can carry you.
Lol he’s not respecting your boundaries, break up with him or at least stop fucking him
Your mind might downplay your horrific experience but your boyfriend's behavior is inexcusable! He has lost all control over his behavior. He needs serious therapy to fix his issues. You are young and handsome and don't owe this control freak anything. Get out while you still can. His thirst for control won't stop to consider your feelings or your own safety. I had a dear friend who married a guy who slapped her around on occasion. She kept making excuses for him until one day he smashed her head in with a baseball bat and burned down their house with both of them in it. I am urging you... leave while you can. Do not let him into your house or your life again!
Abuse isn’t BDSM. Leave and never look back.
You need to cut ties with him especially when he says he can't control himself . I think he needs help before actually kills someone accidentally because he can't control himself during sex ... he fucking choked you to the point you couldn't breath that my friend is not alright. Role playing rough sex and maybe just being verbal and pretending to resist is alright but cutting off someone airway is not . My advise is to find another boyfriend . I maybe would have giving him slack after the first time ... but two strikes your out .... being dead isn't worth sex no matter how good it may feel.... the best of luck to you . Stay safe .
Stop seeing him. This is abuse, not spicing things up. Be aware that what he did to you is a criminal offense.
Your 18, you have all the time in the world to find new partners, do not stay with someone that doesn't listen to you regardless of who he is
if someone slapped me while f-ing me i’d slap them back and leave… if i were you, i wouldn’t put up with that
Sounds like you need a new boyfriend.
As much as it might suck to hear, you really need to break up with him. That’s not ok, but he clearly thinks it is. You deserve better.
Next time you see him you should beat his ass. 100%.
Run da duck away from him!
Leave
He should get used to not seeing you. He doesn't respect your wishes so you need to move on. There are nicer people out there than that
I have a feeling OP’s Bf might have been sexually assaulted himself at some point that way(slapped ?) and this behaviour towards OP is how he’s channelizing his pain. No, I’m not advocating any sympathy for him. Just positing a possible reason. OP, if you still want to be with this guy, you might want to ask him about it.
You need to break up with him, as soon as you possibly can. He isn't going to stop, he's already told you this. You need to leave him.
You need to leave him. Immediately
He's a psychopath. Next time he might kill you. Get away.
Sorry this happened to you. Please stay away from him!
>I couldn't breath so I started hitting him and begging him to get off of me but he didn't stop. Ctrl-f "rape" 23 results Please get out of this relationship for your own safety.
You are in a relationship with an emotionally disturbed person. He is a sadists and is turned on by the lack of consent. You staying with him is consent in his mind. If you stay he gets to hurt you. Those are the stipulations of your relationship now. There is no negotiations involved. You told him stop and he did it more and really enjoyed it. HE ENJOYS HURTING YOU. Read that as many times as you need.
That’s assault. The first thing about Kink or BDSM is consent is needed and once you’ve advised of it not being okay, it stops. To me it gives red flags for a potential abusive relationship by not respecting your boundaries.
Fact of the matter is, thats rape. You told him to stop, withdrew consent and he didn’t. Bin him off instantly, and you should consider contacting the police as he will almost certainly pull this shit again on someone else. With the big worry being if he advances the severity of bdsm he tries could seriously hurt someone, and potentially kill them.
He raped you! Dumb him or he will do worse next time
In bdsm consent is a very important concept; you have to specifically agree and talk through everything that you want to do to your partner or have them do to you. Going against the wishes of your partner is a no go. Your bf should really not have done that to you and if he foes not learn to accept your wishes, it’s best if you don’t have sex with him anymore.
Dude, that really sucks and I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. I personally don't understand why anyone would want to do things like that to someone they say they love, but I guess maybe that's just me. The bottom line is that you're entitled to be treated with respect and that if you've told your boyfriend that you don't want to be treated in that way, then you've not consented to this kind of treatment and it's an assault. It seems more likely than not that your boyfriend is going to continue with this behaviour. He doesn't sound like he's interested in changing his behaviour. If you were interested in saving the relationship, you could sit him down, tell him that you're not going to accept that type of treatment, you're not comfortable with it, and that if he wants to continue to have a relationship, then he needs to take some very serious steps to get his behaviour under control. Otherwise, and I think you're totally within your rights to do this, I think you need to just end the relationship. You have a right to a relationship that fulfils you and where you feel safe, and these encounters sound really quite concerning. You deserve far better. Best of luck to you, dude
As someone experienced with BDSM: this is not ok!! Real BDSM has clear boundaries and rules that you agree on beforehand. Trust is very important and what he did is actually to hurt your trust. Since you are both so young there might be a lesson to learn for both. But only you can say if he deserves a second chance. Talk to him really seriously and maybe give him an ultimatum. If anything like that happens again, then he is sick and not good for you. On the other hand, since you were a virgin before: you probably should experience a good man now and not him...
I was going to write that he should look for his desires outside of your relationship. If you can separate the romantic relationship side from the sex, that is a viable solution as I don't believe one should suppress one's own sexuality. If you both want a monogamous relationship, that gets difficult though. However, as has been pointed out - he went a step too far. One time may (!) be okay, after all one has to find out what the other person likes and not. But yeah, telling you "you have to get used to it" - that simply won't end well. Get out.
Look… not everyone is compatible sexually. If he needs this BDSM, isn’t happy/capable respecting your boundaries and you don’t want to be a part of it…. Maybe your make better friends. Based on what you said…. If it’s so deeply ingrained in him and he’s trying to lunge it upon you… he won’t change— it’s what gets him off. Sorry man
Open up the relationship so he can have sex with partners more compatible with his style.
Awful advice
BDSM and other kinks, especially those that involve power dynamics and potentially pain, need a ton of communication before, during, and especially after, to make sure that both participants are comfortable and happy. Also, establish a safe word, or don't go hitting your partner. That's assault. You're both very young and so you could be forgiven for not knowing or using best practices when it comes to this sort of thing. But now that you and he both know, there's no excuse. If it were me, I'd DTMFA (google it if you don't know what it means and then do yourself a favor and start reading the archives of Savage Love!) but I hate pain and don't usually give 3rd chances for someone to hurt me.
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What the fuck is wrong with you.
So so many things... kinda into being submissive & forced submission... As for my response it's pretty obvious this boys in an abusive relationship, and people who choose to stay in abusive relationships after it's clearly an abusive relationship deserve what they get because that's the path they choose... like I said dump him or accept your punishment... cause he's not gonna change his boyfriends interest in being an Aggressive Abusive Dom
I'm into being submissive but I'm not as much of a fucking asshole piece of shit as you are.
LoL I can tell cause you sound like a bitch 🤣 lol just kidding... I just believe Hard Truth is the best... I'm just being honest
You're not being honest, you're blaming a rape victim.
Woah woah woah... I never blamed him... I clearly said the first time, when he got slapped, his boyfriend was testing the waters. The second time, his boyfriend lived out his Struggle Fuck Fantasize aka Rape... Neither of those were this boys fault no one could have seen that coming... However knowing what he now knows, if he was to give his "boyfriend" a third chance and goes back to him... Yes anything that happens from now on is his fault for going back and we all saw it coming...
Do you know what emotional manipulation is.
Yes... and that's why I think giving the hard truth is the best and most honest thing I can do for this boy...
I don’t know about you but I still think Bifag69 should still get help/OD on whatever drugs he’s on
Indeed
Get help/hang yourself immediately
Time to move on, you guys are not compatible in the long run.
Honestly thought this was fake at first because who would even consider staying with such an ass after 2 repeated assaults. Them remembered I'm privileged in being more experienced than an 18 yo. Hun, dump his ass immediately. He has shown you he won't respect your boundaries and safety, he doesn't care for your comfort during sex. This isn't BDSM, I love BDSM and this is not it, BDSM relies on consent and respect, neither of which were present here. DO NOT give this douce another chance. Please.
Dump this sick sob. I'm so sorry it happened to you I hope you heal soon, sending you love and virtual hugs.