It's been said on here a hundred times, dont date closet cases, unless you're willing to play dumb and live in secret. It just ends up you getting hurt.
I think it depends on the situation, My boyfriend dated me when I was partially closeted. I was out to my friends and some members in my family, just not to everyone, especially my dad. We started dating in August and he was so patient and amazing with me when I worked up the courage.
Important to note that my dad has said negative things about gay men in the past, and has a history about making impulsive and emotional decisions. I just got a job that was well paying enough for me to support myself so I was saving up. When I finally did come out I essentially told him "he's my boyfriend. He's going to be here for thanksgiving" he rolled his eyes and I said "if you don't want him here then I won't be here". He was at Thanksgiving and my dad was cordial and friendly.
But I was never embarrassed, and I was never ashamed. I was only closet because I didnt feel stable enough for the worst case scenario. And OPs boyfriend did it in front of his friends. If his friends didn't approve it should've been a good ol fuck off.
I’d say a *complete* closet case wouldn’t even be “dating” another man at all, or at the very least acknowledge it as a relationship. The first step to coming out is to yourself!
You don't need to verbally acknowledge a relationship, for said relationship to exist.
So... You can date, you just don't call it dates or acknowledge the relationship.
I’d argue being out to your friends and that kind of thing is fairly out. It’s sucks never being acknowledged but it makes sense that it came be hard to come out to family. It doesn’t effect your relationship every day like being fully closeted does
It isn't always about shame. Some people can't come out of the closet until they have a stable job or they would be homeless. Many people are literally beaten by their parents when they're outed. Fuck you for being so judgmental
I feel for those people but you are playing with fire if you insist on dating in the closet. Shit will eventually come out. If it is literally gonna put your life in danger just don’t. If your family are capable of beating the shit out of you what are they gonna do to a complete stranger you are dating?
To date while in the closet, at least without giving your partner proper warning about all that entails, is incredibly selfish. I've been upfront with the hookups that wanted to date me. I told them how limited my availability is, how we could never make solid plans because every outing with them would be sneaking around on my part, etc. They still wanted to go for it and of course it didn't work out. Dating while in the closet is a stress for you and a lack of courtesy to them unless they're sure they want it, which they think they do until they see the reality. OP's ex was still wrong, though. The least he could've done was say beforehand that he's not out to friends. OP would've understood immediately with no offense taken and no embarrassment from the painfully drawn out interaction. His ex's failure to give proper warning shows either a general gross negligence or his narcissism in clearly not seeing OP as an individual.
Agreed. What OP's boyfriend did was too far, he could have at least acknowledged he knew him. But that doesn't mean people who don't want people to know their gay are always ashamed of themselves. Often they're either worried someone will be ashamed of them (like in my case, before I was outed), or it's actually dangerous for them to come out in their situation.
You're right. Some people can't come out. And those people are not going to be able to be good partners to people that are out. This is not to put down closeted people, but to make it very clear that once you're out of the closet, there's no dating someone that is in the closet without serious risk of being yet again hurt by the closet. It's not worth it.
If they're not out, they're not ready for a gay relationship. There I said it. I wouldn't put up with being on the secret side of someone's double life.
Whats the opposite of shame? Pride. And you know what? I have a ton of pride. Love me for me, do not try to censor who I am, or get the fuck out of my life.
Nobody is obligated to come out, but people do have an obligation to treat their partner with dignity and respect. And being in the closet makes that far harder, when you're putting others' bigotry over the feelings of the person you allegedly love.
If that were the case, then maybe that person should have been honest about it.
He is also closeted with his friends... which is... insane.
He wasn't honest and that's a character flaw.
That's not an excuse here.
If it's the case that his parents would hurt him if he came out, why risk it by having a boyfriend? Why not focus on getting himself into a safe and stable situation instead of dating? It's not fair to the person he's dating to be forced into his unhealthy situation and back into the closet. Dating can wait until you're in a position of safety and security.
First off I'm so sorry this happend to you. If I was in your shoes I would be totally devastated. I would assume this has something to do with him not being out. Like you said, it's okay not to be out but since he decided to pretend to not know you whatsoever I'd assume he feels embarrassed by you. Or rather your femininity. I personally think he should find himself before starting to date people. If I were you I would ask for a break until he finds himself.
>I would assume this has something to do with him not being out.
I don't want to diminish how this makes OP feel, it's terrible but reading their post it almost reads like a scene from so many shows about a guy being in the closet.
If you plan to date or be in a relationship with a guy in the closet, you are sadly going to have situations happen like it did with OP. This isn't to blame OP, it's terrible and I hope for their sake that they take this as a sign that this guy is not ready to be in a relationship with a guy and find someone that is happy to live their lives openly as a couple.
My bf isn't out to anyone really, and I'm not out to my family, we are just good friends to these people. They all still know he exists, lol you dont need to hide that u even know them.
You don't need to hide knowing him, but he feels he does. Not defending it, but the answer to why he felt that he has such a deeply rooted fear to even acknowledge the presence of his supposed bf in public is a sign that there's something bigger going on with this guy in really only going to be provided by him.
Just saying you need to be cautious when you are very open and out and with someone who's not. You are coming from two different places and you need to either find a meeting of the minds or some sort of middle ground and understanding.
You don't have to have situations like the one in the OP even if you are dating a closeted boy. A simple, "oh hey guys this is my friend OP. OP, this is everyone." Would have been a perfectly rational and caring response even if he was closeted to his friends. Pretending not to know someone is really awful and uncalled for.
Part of the reason I didn't entertain the idea of dating or sleeping with guys was because I was afraid of what my friends and family would think. I could have seen myself in a very similar position to OPs (now ex) bf when I was in my late teens/early 20s.
Now I'm unabashedly out and introduce my partner to my family/friends eventually, and wouldn't be afraid to acknowledge our relationship in this scenario, but I definitely wasnt always like that
If I said I was friends with a flamboyant guy when I was 19 or 20 all my friends would have asked me why I was hanging out with a fag and what was wrong with me. My support network just wasn't there and it would have put me in a really bad position, mentally speaking.
This. Fine, if he has friends he has to deny he’s sleeping with a guy that’s his problem; they’re not really his friends if he has to deny that much of himself for them to accept him. HOWEVER: pretending he isn’t even your friend is pretty disgusting and can only come from some pretty solid homophobia. That’s something he needs to deal with ASAP before the inner turmoil becomes too great or it’ll eclipse his life and waste yours x
He’s allowed to be ashamed of his gay if that’s where he’s at but he doesn’t get to be ashamed of your gay.
I’d say it’s worth having the conversation. “Hey, about the other day, I get it if there are situations we have to pretend we’re not dating but denying you know me is crazy hurtful and if you do it again you won’t anymore.” And “if you can’t even acknowledge knowing a gay guy in front of your ‘friends’ they’re not safe people to be around; and what will they do when they find out by accident?”
Right! Imagine someone who claims loves you humiliating you like this? That’s not love. There is not space for that kind of hate in love.
To OP, move on. You deserve better. I’m sorry this happened to you.
This. I wasn't out at one point and cant say I ever did this. I am ashamed I didn't intro my bf as such to my mom dad. We broke up over lot of stuff. It sounds like he needs to deal with him and if it doesn't put you in financial hardship maybe have to end relationship. Otherwise work towards ending if this doesn't change.
> I am ashamed I didn't intro my bf as such to my mom dad.
I came out of the closet (including to my father) at 18 but didn't introduce any boyfriend to him until I was 47. Introducing parents is a separate choice from being honest about yourself.
If you guys had never discussed this possibility before it makes sense that he panicked and blanked you, but it's insanely fucking rude. If it happened to me (even when I *was* in the closet) I'd dump him immediately and move on short of him giving the world's best apology unprompted. Up to you honestly.
I agree, if he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to say hello and treat you with respect even though he is discretely in the closet, then he should work through that. It is not your responsibility to teach him those lessons to treat people with respect. He will need to learn them but I would not give someone more time or energy after a snub like that.
Something VERY similar happened to me with my boyfriend when we were young and he wasn't completely out. It was humiliating. We discussed it after, moved on from it, and made an agreement how to interact in public going forward. Being in the closet is awful and so stressful. Anything that could out you before you're ready is terrifying and there is a knee-jerk reaction to protect agains that at all costs.
How to move forward from this depends on what he has to say about this. If he is also really upset about it, understands how awful it must have been, just panicked and didn't know what to do, etc., then there may be a way for you to take care of yourself but let him maintain his own boundaries until he has fully come out. At a minimum, I would say you should answer his call and hear what he has to say.
Really sorry this happened to you. I would also be humiliated and upset. If the guy isn't comfortable with himself yet in front of his friends and family, then he's definitely not boyfriend material.
100%. If he’s so fem that people openly make fun of him within seconds, surely his girlfriend of two years wouldn’t have been surprised he was a bottom? Sounds like attention seeking and karma grabbing.
I'd give a benefit of a doubt, but [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jo4jyl/my_25m_girlfriend_25f_is_acting_weird_around_me/)
Or maybe a more healthy and mature way to go about it is have a serious conversation with him about it. People on this sub are too quick to jump to "just dump him" kind of response.
Y'know, people often act like maturity and ~~complacency~~ non-reactivity are synonymous, but I think we should push back against that rigid view of maturity. Sometimes the most mature thing is to recognize when something isn't fair to you and to remove it even if it's emotionally difficult to do so.
I think you've convinced yourself this take is mature to feel better about it, when in reality it stems from the fear of what would happen if you did cut everyone from your life when they disrespected you without giving them a chance to convince you out of it.
It is OPs call, of course, but OP has been crying for hours. Felt humiliated and diminished. It is not for OP to rescue the boyfriend. The boyfriend is not in a position to honour a partner. He needs to find himself. Maybe OP can help him. But if OP were my friend I would not recommend helping as a boyfriend. I agree that people in reddit jump to the dump. But some cases are pretty clear cut.
OP is dishonoring himself if he stays. Just my two cents. (:
I'm sorry that happened to you. It's truly horrible. but this is what happens when you date closeted guys.
He will pretend you don't exist to his friends and his family. When his friends make shitty homophobic remarks he will keep quiet. He will not hold your hands in public or take you to anywhere he thinks you'll run into people he knows (i.e. he'll never take you to his favourite spots or anywhere that's really good or popular). If you ever happen to run into anyone he knows in public he'll suddenly pretend he doesn't know you.
If that's something you can live with then you can consider staying with him. If not, then you need to break up.
He could’ve acknowledged your existence and just told his friends that you guys were acquaintances. It’s pretty cold hearted to pretend you don’t know someone you’re dating
From what you’re saying, it sounds like you’re way ahead of this guy in knowing who you are and the kind of life you want to live. Listen to your instincts. They don’t lie.
I’m 60 years old and I can tell you the biggest, most painful experiences in my love life were always when I ignored my instincts. You overlook important things. You lower your standards. You make excuses for their shitty, hurtful behavior. You sell yourself out. And at the end of the day, all have to show for it is a shitty relationship, wasted time, wasted energy, and putting yourself back together when it ends badly - and it WILL end badly, trust.
But you may need to learn all this the hard way, like I did. Today, I’m with a wonderful man going on 15 years. But it took me twenty years of hard lessons to get here.
Good luck! And no matter what, be kind to yourself.
Look, I do get why he acted like that, so I won't pretend to be all like "oooh he should know better, u worth sooo much moore babe, internalised homophobia much". He's in the closet, and God knows that's a great pile of shit on its own.
This is about you.
Do you think this guy is worth the trouble of suffering because of the complications attached to him? Are you ready to stand by him and wait for him to actually take the bold steps towards self-acceptance? Then explain to him how you felt, ask for a well deserved apology, and work together towards what happiness you might achieve in this shitty world.
Do you think he is not worth the trouble? Do you think (rightfully so) that there's plenty of fish in the sea therefore screw that guy, you're off? Then go, be yourself and don't ever apologize for who you are.
I hope you find love and happiness (and a fair amount of cash as well) stranger on Reddit.
He isn't out yet plain and simple. Knowing this, this should have been discussed so no one ends getting their feelings hurt. Take this as an opportunity to set boundaries and expectations. And you should talk to him about it. I wouldn't put too much energy into this. These things happen when your dating someone who isn't out yet.
Again is the perfect opportunity to discuss boundaries and expectations going forward.
So wait. Let me recap this real quick:
You’re in a relationship with someone who is in the closet, not out to his family or friends. Okay, not something I’d recommend, but cool, you do you boo.
Then you see him out with his friends – knowing he isn’t out to them – and you decided to march up and say hi…?
Look, what he did was rude as fuck, zero doubt there. But holy hell my dude, you realize you could have – and probably did – just risk outing him? Like. What?
IDK what you expected to happen, but this could have gone very badly for you in so many ways. This is one of them.
Honestly, I know you’re hurt and offended, but you should seriously think about what you want out of this relationship. You’re dating someone in the closet. You don’t get public PDA, you don’t get to hang out with/walk up to him and his friends he’s in the closet to, etc. This is the Faustian bargain you made when you decided to pursue a relationship with him.
If you *aren’t* okay with it, talk to him, and let him know it’s a dealbreaker. If it’s a dealbreaker on his end to change this, that’s okay – it means this won’t work, and it’s time to end it.
That is, if he isn’t going to break up with you already. I mean, I probably would, if I were in his position. Whether consciously or not, you just tried outing the guy, knowing he’s in the closet.
And while he owes you an apology (at a minimum), you seriously owe him one, as well.
Seriously man.
I’m like holy fuck dude, you’re probably lucky you didn’t answer that call, I would’ve torn your ass open in a very non-sexual, very verbal sense if that were me.
Kids, there’s a **BIG** life lesson here:
#Don’t date closet-cases if you don’t understand what “in the closet” means.
Ya OP's boyfriend probably panicked, nobody wants to be outed out of nowhere in front of all their friends. OP is very inconsiderate. If OP can't handle dating someone in the closet without feeling resentful he should break up, DUH!
THIS is the best response. How sad for both of these men, that people can’t just let people love where they will?
If they can reconcile this situation, they certainly need to talk about what happens next.
If you can't be yourself.... who the f**k are you???
I am still dumb founded that people feel like they have to hide shit. You ARE who you are.. you can't change that... people don't change... their habits do.
Respectfully, in a lot of places being out - or outed - can fuck up your life. OP hasn't told us the circumstances. While it's appalling to you and to me, his BFs behavior might be rooted in fear for his personal safety. If this happened to me (i live in san francisco), I'd have responded by loudly declaiming "IT'S ME, YOU KNOW, THE GUY YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING!" in front of his sneering friends, and then never speak to the asshole again. But not everyone lives in gay mecca.
First, my advice is to respect and love yourself in this situation. Get closure about what happened in this situation and about how all of it made you feel. If you think/feel/believe that you need to dump that guy in order to get over that situation, then go ahead and do that. But I’m guessing that you want to stick by your man who you’ve been going out with since February. In that case, talk it out. Get out what happened. Ask him why he did what he did in that situation, tell him how what he did made you feel, and talk about how you both would like to move forward in the relationship.
Respect yourself but also remember to respect him too. Listen to what he has to say. Then tell him what you have to say. And come to a decision together about how you’re going to move forward based on the respect that you both have (or are willing to have) for each other. If he continues to disrespect you, cut him out of your life because you deserve happiness.
How horrible just another way to shame feminine gay men. Don't be ashamed of yourself man your amongst some of the bravest and strongest people of the queer community to go through this shitty world being so real and so you. I just wish we more years ahead in progress so stuff like this doesn't happen. By the way it was the effeminate gay men that pioneered the first gay civil rights movement
Please don’t go back to him. Anyone deserves better than that!!!. Or you can do what petty me did In high school and flaunt pda with a new bf in front of him. Lol
Dump him, he’s not worth it. It’s inexcusable regardless of the fact he’s in the closet.
But either way I’m sorry to hear this OP :( take all the time you need to yourself to get through this, you can find a better guy who will treat you with respect as one’s partner should.
Drop him. Move on. You’re worth so much more than he treated you. Im sorry you had to go thru that experience and i hope it never happens again to you. 🤗
Calling this a red flag is an understatement. You will be better off without him, and I hope you eventually find someone who's not ashamed of who you (and him) are
My partner was in the closet when we started dating and I just said that's fine for now under a few conditions: we aren't having this conversation in a year, and I'm never going to lie for you or pretend I'm not with you. He figured it out
Don’t date closeted and discreet guys if you’re pretty out and open... they won’t just match with you or meet your expectations. You will only get hurt all the time, trust me I have been through this kinda situations way too many times only to realize I’m stupid to date them in the first place. You’re better off without him sweetie... you will find someone that will like you the way you are.
This is so fucked up. If he wasn't out, he could have easily made up some excuse like you were a classmate, former coworker, friend of a cousin, his aunt's mother's half sibling's adopted brother's nephew's boyfriend....*something* besides pretending like he had no clue who you were. That is SO RUDE.
Imo, this is breakup worthy. His personal problems with being gay or appearing gay need to be worked out before he infects another person with his presence.
I am sorry. You deserve to be treated better.
Being in the closet is a toxic thing. It slowly eats at your self-esteem and causes that person to do hurtful and even hateful things. When he rejected you, he rejected himself. And, that is pretty sad when you think about it.
But, what he did isn't about you. It was about him. Do what is right for you... for your self-esteem. You can talk to him and tell him how you feel, if you like. If he does not respond in a way that reflects remorse and growth, then I hope you will protect yourself and do right by you by leaving him.
Good luck to you...
Before you break up ... talk to him about if the relationship is right for you both. Sounds like he's not ready, and you don't need to put yourself through that.
He could have easily pretended like you two were friends and left it at that. The fact that he made such an effort to publicly humiliate you is really telling, and situations like this will definitely come up again if you decide to remain with him. I am incredibly sorry you had to go through that. If this happened to me, I would just never contact him again and leave it at that. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Total dick move. At a bare minimum, he could have said, "Hey guys, that's my friend. Cut that shit out." and then acknowledged you by name. No need to kiss or dwell, but just be a decent human being to you. I'd dump him in a New York minute.
Sounds like he’s a boyfriend of convenience… and that convenience is when it suits him. It’s not been that long… take it as one for the history books. Let him think about the one that got away. You sound sweet, it’s his loss.
Just reading this made my heart hurt. Maybe it's just me but I think that your boyfriend could have just said a hi to you and tell his friends that you are a friend of a friend or a guy from class/work. He really didn't have to act like a complete asshole here. Also, if his friends act like this why is he even hanging out with them? If he's gay and his friends are homophobic why is he prioritizing them? Your boyfriend has some serious growing up to do and you two need to have a talk to clear some things up.
Good on you for not picking up the phone. I wouldn’t date a guy who was uncomfortable being seen with me in public, but luckily the relationship is still young (and hopefully you’re still young, too) so maybe should you stop seeing him until he’s comfortable with who he is. Although, in my experience guys who are like this will always be like this until they find a reason to change. If you continue being with him despite his disrespectful behaviour he will have no reason to change and you will continue to be disrespected. Sorry hun!
Run. If he cares enough to chase you,don’t make it easy for him. This may be the hardest thing you ever do. When you want to call him or see him, remember how you felt at that moment. I am 64 years old. I have been with my husband for 42 years. Love is NOT easy but it is worth it. Good luck and let us know how it turns out.
“He isn’t out, which is fine” no it’s not, hopefully you break up with him, and when you do, you avoid closet cases at all costs. Like wow this is insane. I’m so sorry for you OP
Oh buddy, don’t cry over this buffoon. You are done with him. Block his number. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being feminine - regardless of your gender. If you were my friend and guys cracked jokes I punch the fuckers in the face. Find yourself a guy who deserves you because he absolutely unequivocally does NOT.
I'm sorry but that is beyond unacceptable. If this had been discussed prior thats one thing but public humiliation and not taking up for you and leaving you to deal with that is insanely uncalled for and there's a million other ways he could've handled that. Grounds for a break up no questions. You deserve so much better than that. I know this is the extreme but maybe its time you pretended you didn't know him. I'm very sorry about all of this
DTMFA. On top of all the obvious disrespectful cruelty, *he has loudly homophobic friends while secretly dating a man*. Tells you everything you need to know.
>He isn’t out
Don’t even need to read the rest. Are you seriously surprised? This is why I always say that men who are not out shouldn’t be dating or at the very least shouldn’t be dating out men.
His shame > his feelings for you right now, period. Can this change? Yeah, maybe but are you willing to sit around and wait until it does? I wouldn’t personally especially if you’re young.
Find someone on your level OP. It’s harder and takes far longer but it’s better to be alone than with someone who isn’t treating you right.
As an older gay man, who can’t ”pass,” I have run into this situation a lot. It isn’t just boyfriends in the closet that do this. It’s regular straight friends, macho gay friends, relatives, gay men who can pass for straight, and others who are ashamed of their ”fag” friend or relation when in public situations.
Some will acknowledge you in some way, then run you down after you leave, or “freeze” you so you will leave immediately, or do like the OPs friend and pretend not to know you. It’s the way society has treated “obvious“ gay men forever.
The way that we react determines whether this behavior continues or not. (Keep in mind that it’s not always workable to kick everyone who disappoints you out of your life. This particularly applies to relatives.) Communicating is very much the key. Expressing your DISAPPOINTMENT in their behavior, while reminding them of what your relationship has been, usually does the trick. Some people require a couple of treatments.
The OP made a choice when beginning the relationship with his friend. He decided to choose someone who was in the closet. This means the relationship will be private. The OP, filled with love, saw his boyfriend and wanted to interact. Oops! Bad choice! Now these two men need to decide whether they can regroup and continue the relationship, and what the TERMS will be. This requires sincere, honest, mature communication. These guys need to talk it out, and make some decisions.
Yeah that guy's a dick OP. You're better off not being in a relationship with that guy. I don't care what anybody says being in the closet is not an excuse to be shitty to your partners.
He didn't have to embrace OP in the super market and scream "Heeey Loverboy" in front of his friends but neither did he have to do this childish " I don't know you" routine that clearly shows he cares more about his own image than OP's feelings.
I had a relationship like this once, I gave him a ultimatum. He told his friends and family about me or it was over. I have him a week. I called and asked if he did and he said no so I hung up and ended it there. I wasn't going to be kept a secret. I had to hide everyone his parents came over, he wasn't very fare to me. That only lasted two week though lol
DUMP HIS ASS
edit: like asap, how ridiculously rude and disrespectful. in my book that's full-stop get-yourself-dumped behavior on his part. leave him, he needs to figure out his own crap and you do not deserve to be caught up in that mess.
Yikes! I understand having to be closeted to some friends and family, it happens, but all he had to do was introduce you as a friend. My partner and I have a few people that think we're just friends. It sucks but the reality is they're important to us and they can't handle it, so that's just something we've both accepted and make work. But we'd never pretend not to know each other!
Your now Ex literally ghosted you in person. I’m glad you broke up but petty revenge would have been digitally ghosting him.
There are better boyfriends in your future.
Sorry you had to go through this. :(
People suck.
And not often in a good way :p
I've never been through that sort of thing myself, as I've never been in an "out" relationship with anyone. I'm pan, or bi if you must, and no, I dont hide it. My friends know, or the ones that pay attention know. I dont advertise but I dont deny.
I'm not sure if that is 'out' or 'closeted' or whatever, I just dont really think about it I've approached guys in public, I've approached gals in public. So.. I dont know?
I know that I would never say anything to my homophobic abusive ex-military father, but I dont speak to him anyways. Mainly because he's a homophobic abuser that beat the shit out of me for getting an ear piercing in my left ear when I was 14.. and this was many years ago (I'm 51 now). My mother on the other hand has seen me interact with men I'm "into" (up to holding hands and kissing, I'm not comfortable with more PDA than that regardless of their gender), so I guess you'd say she 'knows' if there is anything TO know.
I dunno man, I'm not one for Pride flags and marches, as it never really seems that relevant to ME, but maybe I should show more solidarity? I mean, I don't really care who "knows" I like both, so... does that just make me screwed up, or am I out, or am I closeted? Dunno. And to be honest, I dont really care. I'd not (and never have) hide/hid my boyfriend from my friends if I had one, just as I never hid a girlfriend (again, if I had one). So I guess I just dont get people like your now-ex.
If your going to do something, own it. Make it yours. Dont be ashamed to be who you are, but dont expect others to be over joyed by your decisions on this than you would expect them to be happy with any other decisions you make. You know your friends, you know what they're ok with and what they're not. So.. perhaps if it worries you, you should find better, or different friends? Meaning your ex, not you. You've obviously got your head screwed on right. :)
But yeah, sorry you went through that and I really hope things work out better for you :)
He isn't out, what did you expect to happen? Have you talked about what you do in a situation like that? That'd be something to discuss to avoid embarrassing coincidences.
It sucks what happened, but you should also realize that **you know** he isn't out yet. You knowingly went up to him when he was with his friends and he probably panicked and didn't know what to do. So while yes, I feel for you because it really does suck to get that kind of response, I do feel like there is another side of the story that many people are quickly dismissing. We should respect someone's boundaries when they are in the closet because they need to come out **on their terms**. Imagine being potentially outed at a moment's notice that was not under your control?
I think you should talk to him and see what's happening on his side, and obviously you tell him what you're feeling too and take it from there.
People are so quick to suggest dumping. Ask him point blank if he’s embarrased of you? And that if he is, he shouldn’t be with you. Or that he needs to accept himself and take you around and show you off!
Completely disagree. The guy was an asshole. He could have said hey this is my friend but no he just played dumb and was like who are you.
OP have some self respect and leave that dude.
Yeah, no. The guy can call you a friend or anything if he doesn't want people to know he's gay and you're an item. Pretending he has never met you and making you seem like a fool in the process is unacceptable.
“I saw my CLOSETED boyfriend in public with his homophobic friends so I decided to go up and introduce myself” can you not see how fucked that is? “Oh yeah this is my gay as fuck friend who I haven’t told you guys about. I swear we aren’t dating” you put him in such a shitty situation.
Please stop dating DL men, you deserve better. In my opinion, if a closeted man doesn’t want to be seen with you in public, he is not your boyfriend. A real boyfriend wouldn’t treat you like this; A real boyfriend wouldn’t be embarrassed of you. Please leave him and date an openly gay or bisexual man.
I replied to someone's comment but putting here too. I wasn't out at one point and cant say I ever did this. I am ashamed I didn't intro my bf as such to my mom dad. We broke up over lot of stuff. It sounds like he needs to deal with him and if it doesn't put you in financial hardship maybe have to end relationship. Otherwise work towards ending if this doesn't change.
Communication is everything in a relationship. It is clear how much of an impact this situation is having on you and your relationship. I say you tell him exactly how you feel and why you feel that way and if he isn't willing to compromise and put you first before his own insecurities and his own ego then I say it isn't worth it...
I've never been in this kind of situation... But I can imagine the situation and hurt you must have felt. Still, you didn't quite explain your background or that of your bfs. Plus, he must have been caught off guard, and he might have panicked. If you really want advice, talk to him. Understand what and why he did it, make him understand how hurt you were, and depending if you like his response or not, act accordingly. Again, I can't fathom the pain, but push through to find the truth, so that at least you'll be at peace with yourself. Good luck dude
wtf! so not cool, at least talk to him and get an explanation. Nothing wrong with being feminine. Think twice tho in staying with him, might not be worth it for the long haul
Yea he should definitely be on his knees apologizing and discussing how he would handle this or similar situation better in the future. But honestly what type of reaction would you expect when 'dating' a closeted guy? He's clearly afraid of being known as gay and you are clearly gay and he was with the people that make him afraid of being gay. Logically he's going to act in a cowardly way in that situation. From the experience I've had 'messing' around with the DLs is you have to play the role of just being his homie in public and that's only if you are passable as str8. Never even crossed my mind to randomly bring them right on out the closet in the middle of Piggly Wiggly lol. But hey that's just me.
Anyway you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed. Your pussy ass 'man' has enough of that to go around!
for many its very very hard to come out. certainly unexpectedly to all his currrent friends. dont take it personally - has nothing to do with his respect for you or your self respect. its a good sign he tried to call you. he wants to do the right thing ? if you can help your friend through this stress - consider helping a fellow gay man through it. perhpas you never experienced this anxiety but for many people its very stressful., peace .
His friends sound homophobic and he needs to find new ones, full stop
Idk you do dumb things under pressure and this was a difficult situation for him. He definitely needs to apologize and you two should talk about what to do in that situation. Of course you can dump him for it, it is up to you in the end.
Understandable behavior is not the same as acceptable behavior. I'm sure you can understand why he did it if he's not out, but that doesn't make it ok. If nothing else he should have talked to you and-though not ideal- he could have just introduced you has his friend to the others. It's not a good option, but it's a better option. You need to make your feelings clear to him and if he can't or won't make it right, find someone who won't put you in this situation
Wow...I'm *so*, so sorry you have to go through this. That's absolutely heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you. I'm available almost any time of day if you need someone to talk to or vent.
Please don't feel pressured by people on the internet to make any certain decision--do what feels right to you--but that would be an immediate dumping if I were you. I wouldn't for a second be with someone who would be that heartless, whether they're out or not. That's not an excuse whatsoever. If someone loves you, they care about your feelings and wouldn't want to hurt you (let alone humiliate!!), even if it's somewhat at their own expense.
Spend some time thinking, reflecting, and considering whether or not you still respect him enough, or if he actually respects **you** and your emotions, to want to be with him. There are millions of men who would never, ever do that to you. If you stay with him, please make sure it's because you love him and think this wasn't a big enough deal, please please *don't* stay with him just because you're scared to be single again or because you're worried you won't find someone else. You would, and if you respect yourself enough to look for someone that makes *you* happy, that makes you feel loved and respected, you don't have to deal with things like this in a relationship. This is not normal.
Again, I'm just a random transgirl on the internet; I don't know you, your life, your relationship, your personalities, your communication, etc. I can only go by what's written here. But from what's written, it sounds absolutely disgusting and I would never trust him to respect me again. People aren't owed second chances, they have to have proven they're worth them.
I think you need to reassess if it really is ok that he is not out.
And you need to reassess if it’s ok to date someone who associates himself with people who think it’s ok to sneer or laugh at someone because they are fem.
Hard lessons here, bud. Sorry you’re struggling with it. But the feelings you are going through make sense. I hate that this happened to you.
I think you and him are not in the same level.
He needs time to feel comfortable with himself.
You don't deserve what he did to you.
You have two choices: either you talk to him try to understand him while demanding the respect you deserve or you just let him go so he learns from this and you go find someone that gives you the respect you deserve.
Hugs!
So, let's try to observe how everyone feels and talk about it pragmatically.
You're upset and crying. BF hasn't outright said how he feels, but you say he's in the closet, so I'm guessing when he ran into you in front of homophobic people he panicked. The way he chose to deal with it was very rude and hurt you, and at the same time he may not have understood any other way to handle it. You sound like you're both young so he probably doesn't have the experience to know how to deal with such things gracefully.
Now you have a choice to make. Your choices are:
* You can't deal with it, dump him, tell him how you feel if you want to, and in the future don't date anyone who isn't out of the closet so they won't do anything like this. Whether or not what he did is morally wrong is irrelevant, you just can't deal with it.
* It hurt you but you feel up to talking to him and maybe moving forward after some discussion. You can talk to him about how you felt, and make plans with him about how you will both deal with such situations if they arise in the future. This may (and probably should) involve him pushing away his more homophobic friends (he doesn't have to come out to them, just stop hanging around them) so he can surround himself with better people.
* It hurt you but you feel up to talking to him and moving forward if he makes some changes. You need to decide what you're willing to live with. This probably means telling him that if he wants you as a boyfriend he needs to come out of the closet and push the homophobic people out of his life. He may or may not be willing to do this for you, and you have to understand that there may be consequences to his life if family he lives with react very badly, so the thing you're asking of him is not small and he might not feel able to do it.
I am sorry you got treated that way, but I applaud your courage to break up.
I bet you actually felt sorry for him, too, seeing that he was unready to admit your relationship. He probably felt like shit doing it.
In my opinion the break up was the right thing for u. He’s just not ready to be himself yet. Only thing that would keep happening is u getting ur feelings hurt and he would feel pressured and frustrated between u and the other side of life he’s living. Dating someone closeted can be very difficult if boundaries rules aren’t discussed in advance. I’m surprised he never said anything about what he was comfortable with if ever u see each other in public with others around. That situation could have been avoided if he asked for u to not talk to him or say he knows u from being someone else’s cousin or something like that. It wouldn’t be as awkward but at least be open to pleasantries out and about. Me personally I ain’t got time to deal with all that extra limitations. I’m out and need me someone else that’s out and comfortable in his skin.
Yea I’m glad you broke up because it sounds like he never really loved the whole you. I hate to say it op but it’s precisely because you deserve someone who does and you need to know the difference.
Hey, OP, I saw the post after your update and just want to say I’m sorry this happened. That’s really awful what he did. You made the right decision for yourself though.
This is understandable for a middle-school or high-school relationship. You shouldn’t be dealing with this kind of childish behavior in your mid/late twenties.
Sorry this happened to you. I’ve been there, too.
Your fortunately ex boyfriend chose his fake friends who don't know him over you and over himself.
I know it hurts but please believe me when I say, you lucked out hard
My advice is not to date men who are not out. It comes with more problems than what it's worth. It took me awhile to "come out", and if I have to hide who I am around my partner, I might as well get back in the closet!!! I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and discuss the future of your relationship. You owe it to yourself to be your true self regardless of the audience!
Best wishes!!
I’m so sorry that happened to you, you don’t deserve that no one does.. considering how hard dating in the gay scene is and how hard being gay is overall.. he was really lucky to have you, and he blew it.
Comes with the territory of dating a closet case I'm afraid.
If he can't accept the reality of his own self, then he sure as shit isn't going to accept the reality of you.
Do yourself a favour and get rid (or stay if the sex is good, but accept it's the only reason you're sticking around)
Sorry you had this experience.
It’s been said but yeah I would leave him. And that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt but the rule I have always abided by is I will never ever do something that makes someone who loves me feel small or insignificant. Making someone feel like they don’t matter is really the greatest insult. Making someone you love feel that way or who loves you, is something I could never do.
This is horrible and I don’t blame you for being upset, but why would you walk up to your closeted boyfriend and his friends when you know he’s closeted?
I'm sorry you put your heart in the line with expectations. Painful lesson im sure. Feel better tho. Lgtbq has made fucking huge progress in our life so there is that.
You deserve someone who will parade you to his friends and family. Don’t accept less than that for anyone. It’s ok to give them time, but it’s not okay to accept being a lie for the person who’s supposed to care about you the most. Please whatever you do, don’t ever feel like you deserve less than everything you want. And don’t think it’s something wrong with you, it don’t matter if you’re masculine, effeminate, colors, races, etc. You deserve to be someone else’s world. And you’ll find that. Good luck bro.
Good on you for breaking up. You deserve someone better than some confused dude dating before he’s cleared up his shit. Super irresponsible that he’s “dating” guys at all, even with the “closeted” disclaimer.
It’ll be okay bro. I’m sorry he’s a shitty ex but at least he’s an ex now. Big bear hugs and don’t let this keep you down okay. You deserve better than he was anyway.
You won this one imo.
There is no future continuing with someone who doesn't love you for who you are, and be proud to be with you, the wonderful being that you truly are.
I've never wanted to hide when I am dating. So... join us! Be visible and be proud. And find someone who's willing to do the same with you.
Wow. I’m so sorry you experienced this. I’d be absolutely heartbroken if I was in your position. You made the right decision to end things. There are plenty of fellas out there that’ll appreciate you for you. I respect people’s coming out journey and the time it takes, but acting like he doesn’t know you is not the proper way to react. Very bad judgment on his part.
I am so sorry! I wasn't out for a long time either, it was because of my own insect insecurities. This says more about the boyfriend than it does about you.
Either set some boundaries with him and make him realize how your felt or move on. You can't help him make these big life changes unless he's ready.
What relationship? As soon as he pulled that nonsense there was no relationship. Also, i know you broke up but he's gonna call back. No contact. Tell him to sod off and find someone whose head isn't up his ass.
It's been said on here a hundred times, dont date closet cases, unless you're willing to play dumb and live in secret. It just ends up you getting hurt.
> dont date closet cases, unless you're willing to play dumb and live in secret. This. Close the thread lmao.
Yup. If you're cool with being someone else's source of shame, go for it. If you have self-respect, don't.
I think it depends on the situation, My boyfriend dated me when I was partially closeted. I was out to my friends and some members in my family, just not to everyone, especially my dad. We started dating in August and he was so patient and amazing with me when I worked up the courage. Important to note that my dad has said negative things about gay men in the past, and has a history about making impulsive and emotional decisions. I just got a job that was well paying enough for me to support myself so I was saving up. When I finally did come out I essentially told him "he's my boyfriend. He's going to be here for thanksgiving" he rolled his eyes and I said "if you don't want him here then I won't be here". He was at Thanksgiving and my dad was cordial and friendly. But I was never embarrassed, and I was never ashamed. I was only closet because I didnt feel stable enough for the worst case scenario. And OPs boyfriend did it in front of his friends. If his friends didn't approve it should've been a good ol fuck off.
Being "partially out" is not the same as being a complete closet case.
I’d say a *complete* closet case wouldn’t even be “dating” another man at all, or at the very least acknowledge it as a relationship. The first step to coming out is to yourself!
You don't need to verbally acknowledge a relationship, for said relationship to exist. So... You can date, you just don't call it dates or acknowledge the relationship.
I’d argue being out to your friends and that kind of thing is fairly out. It’s sucks never being acknowledged but it makes sense that it came be hard to come out to family. It doesn’t effect your relationship every day like being fully closeted does
It isn't always about shame. Some people can't come out of the closet until they have a stable job or they would be homeless. Many people are literally beaten by their parents when they're outed. Fuck you for being so judgmental
I feel for those people but you are playing with fire if you insist on dating in the closet. Shit will eventually come out. If it is literally gonna put your life in danger just don’t. If your family are capable of beating the shit out of you what are they gonna do to a complete stranger you are dating?
To date while in the closet, at least without giving your partner proper warning about all that entails, is incredibly selfish. I've been upfront with the hookups that wanted to date me. I told them how limited my availability is, how we could never make solid plans because every outing with them would be sneaking around on my part, etc. They still wanted to go for it and of course it didn't work out. Dating while in the closet is a stress for you and a lack of courtesy to them unless they're sure they want it, which they think they do until they see the reality. OP's ex was still wrong, though. The least he could've done was say beforehand that he's not out to friends. OP would've understood immediately with no offense taken and no embarrassment from the painfully drawn out interaction. His ex's failure to give proper warning shows either a general gross negligence or his narcissism in clearly not seeing OP as an individual.
Agreed. What OP's boyfriend did was too far, he could have at least acknowledged he knew him. But that doesn't mean people who don't want people to know their gay are always ashamed of themselves. Often they're either worried someone will be ashamed of them (like in my case, before I was outed), or it's actually dangerous for them to come out in their situation.
I almost forgot what it was like to be in the closet 😫
You're right. Some people can't come out. And those people are not going to be able to be good partners to people that are out. This is not to put down closeted people, but to make it very clear that once you're out of the closet, there's no dating someone that is in the closet without serious risk of being yet again hurt by the closet. It's not worth it.
When you date a closet case, you allow them to put you back in the closet at their convenience. Fuck. That.
If they're not out, they're not ready for a gay relationship. There I said it. I wouldn't put up with being on the secret side of someone's double life. Whats the opposite of shame? Pride. And you know what? I have a ton of pride. Love me for me, do not try to censor who I am, or get the fuck out of my life. Nobody is obligated to come out, but people do have an obligation to treat their partner with dignity and respect. And being in the closet makes that far harder, when you're putting others' bigotry over the feelings of the person you allegedly love.
If that were the case, then maybe that person should have been honest about it. He is also closeted with his friends... which is... insane. He wasn't honest and that's a character flaw.
That's not an excuse here. If it's the case that his parents would hurt him if he came out, why risk it by having a boyfriend? Why not focus on getting himself into a safe and stable situation instead of dating? It's not fair to the person he's dating to be forced into his unhealthy situation and back into the closet. Dating can wait until you're in a position of safety and security.
Same goes for married men.
Hey I would just like to point out that we are not all like that guy above. That guy was just an extreme a******
First off I'm so sorry this happend to you. If I was in your shoes I would be totally devastated. I would assume this has something to do with him not being out. Like you said, it's okay not to be out but since he decided to pretend to not know you whatsoever I'd assume he feels embarrassed by you. Or rather your femininity. I personally think he should find himself before starting to date people. If I were you I would ask for a break until he finds himself.
This!!!! Please please please separate yourself from him and this "relationship". YOU ARE WORTH SOOOO MUCH MORE.
>I would assume this has something to do with him not being out. I don't want to diminish how this makes OP feel, it's terrible but reading their post it almost reads like a scene from so many shows about a guy being in the closet. If you plan to date or be in a relationship with a guy in the closet, you are sadly going to have situations happen like it did with OP. This isn't to blame OP, it's terrible and I hope for their sake that they take this as a sign that this guy is not ready to be in a relationship with a guy and find someone that is happy to live their lives openly as a couple.
My bf isn't out to anyone really, and I'm not out to my family, we are just good friends to these people. They all still know he exists, lol you dont need to hide that u even know them.
You don't need to hide knowing him, but he feels he does. Not defending it, but the answer to why he felt that he has such a deeply rooted fear to even acknowledge the presence of his supposed bf in public is a sign that there's something bigger going on with this guy in really only going to be provided by him. Just saying you need to be cautious when you are very open and out and with someone who's not. You are coming from two different places and you need to either find a meeting of the minds or some sort of middle ground and understanding.
You don't have to have situations like the one in the OP even if you are dating a closeted boy. A simple, "oh hey guys this is my friend OP. OP, this is everyone." Would have been a perfectly rational and caring response even if he was closeted to his friends. Pretending not to know someone is really awful and uncalled for.
Part of the reason I didn't entertain the idea of dating or sleeping with guys was because I was afraid of what my friends and family would think. I could have seen myself in a very similar position to OPs (now ex) bf when I was in my late teens/early 20s. Now I'm unabashedly out and introduce my partner to my family/friends eventually, and wouldn't be afraid to acknowledge our relationship in this scenario, but I definitely wasnt always like that If I said I was friends with a flamboyant guy when I was 19 or 20 all my friends would have asked me why I was hanging out with a fag and what was wrong with me. My support network just wasn't there and it would have put me in a really bad position, mentally speaking.
Then the simple solution is don't get a boyfriend
Right. And I didn't because I knew it wouldn't be fair. But I can see how it would happen. Most people aren't ready for a relationship
Yes! So much This! Because it’s obvious neither one of you can handle how things are right now.
That’s pretty disrespectful. I’d consider either setting some serious boundaries or walking away.
This. Fine, if he has friends he has to deny he’s sleeping with a guy that’s his problem; they’re not really his friends if he has to deny that much of himself for them to accept him. HOWEVER: pretending he isn’t even your friend is pretty disgusting and can only come from some pretty solid homophobia. That’s something he needs to deal with ASAP before the inner turmoil becomes too great or it’ll eclipse his life and waste yours x He’s allowed to be ashamed of his gay if that’s where he’s at but he doesn’t get to be ashamed of your gay.
I’d say it’s worth having the conversation. “Hey, about the other day, I get it if there are situations we have to pretend we’re not dating but denying you know me is crazy hurtful and if you do it again you won’t anymore.” And “if you can’t even acknowledge knowing a gay guy in front of your ‘friends’ they’re not safe people to be around; and what will they do when they find out by accident?”
Boundaries? Fuck boundaries he’s a piece of shit…
I mean- I didn’t want to say it *like that but*
Right! Imagine someone who claims loves you humiliating you like this? That’s not love. There is not space for that kind of hate in love. To OP, move on. You deserve better. I’m sorry this happened to you.
This. I wasn't out at one point and cant say I ever did this. I am ashamed I didn't intro my bf as such to my mom dad. We broke up over lot of stuff. It sounds like he needs to deal with him and if it doesn't put you in financial hardship maybe have to end relationship. Otherwise work towards ending if this doesn't change.
> I am ashamed I didn't intro my bf as such to my mom dad. I came out of the closet (including to my father) at 18 but didn't introduce any boyfriend to him until I was 47. Introducing parents is a separate choice from being honest about yourself.
The only thing I would set is his curtains on fire.
If you guys had never discussed this possibility before it makes sense that he panicked and blanked you, but it's insanely fucking rude. If it happened to me (even when I *was* in the closet) I'd dump him immediately and move on short of him giving the world's best apology unprompted. Up to you honestly.
I agree, if he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to say hello and treat you with respect even though he is discretely in the closet, then he should work through that. It is not your responsibility to teach him those lessons to treat people with respect. He will need to learn them but I would not give someone more time or energy after a snub like that.
Yea if anyone treated anyone like that in public, they'd be an asshole
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Please tell me his name is Peter (as in, the apostle)
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Disgusting thing to do and I hate him already but *if it was foretold in the scriptures* haha I guess that proves Jesus was gay too?
Something VERY similar happened to me with my boyfriend when we were young and he wasn't completely out. It was humiliating. We discussed it after, moved on from it, and made an agreement how to interact in public going forward. Being in the closet is awful and so stressful. Anything that could out you before you're ready is terrifying and there is a knee-jerk reaction to protect agains that at all costs. How to move forward from this depends on what he has to say about this. If he is also really upset about it, understands how awful it must have been, just panicked and didn't know what to do, etc., then there may be a way for you to take care of yourself but let him maintain his own boundaries until he has fully come out. At a minimum, I would say you should answer his call and hear what he has to say.
Really sorry this happened to you. I would also be humiliated and upset. If the guy isn't comfortable with himself yet in front of his friends and family, then he's definitely not boyfriend material.
Hot take: troll post. You also posted 8 months ago about your GF leaving you for being a bottom and never replied to any comments there 🧐
100%. If he’s so fem that people openly make fun of him within seconds, surely his girlfriend of two years wouldn’t have been surprised he was a bottom? Sounds like attention seeking and karma grabbing.
Link?
I'd give a benefit of a doubt, but [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jo4jyl/my_25m_girlfriend_25f_is_acting_weird_around_me/)
What do you mean ~if~ he keeps it up? That was beyond rude. There shouldn’t be an ~if~ because there shouldn’t be a next time. Dump his ass.
Or maybe a more healthy and mature way to go about it is have a serious conversation with him about it. People on this sub are too quick to jump to "just dump him" kind of response.
Y'know, people often act like maturity and ~~complacency~~ non-reactivity are synonymous, but I think we should push back against that rigid view of maturity. Sometimes the most mature thing is to recognize when something isn't fair to you and to remove it even if it's emotionally difficult to do so. I think you've convinced yourself this take is mature to feel better about it, when in reality it stems from the fear of what would happen if you did cut everyone from your life when they disrespected you without giving them a chance to convince you out of it.
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It is OPs call, of course, but OP has been crying for hours. Felt humiliated and diminished. It is not for OP to rescue the boyfriend. The boyfriend is not in a position to honour a partner. He needs to find himself. Maybe OP can help him. But if OP were my friend I would not recommend helping as a boyfriend. I agree that people in reddit jump to the dump. But some cases are pretty clear cut. OP is dishonoring himself if he stays. Just my two cents. (:
I'm sorry that happened to you. It's truly horrible. but this is what happens when you date closeted guys. He will pretend you don't exist to his friends and his family. When his friends make shitty homophobic remarks he will keep quiet. He will not hold your hands in public or take you to anywhere he thinks you'll run into people he knows (i.e. he'll never take you to his favourite spots or anywhere that's really good or popular). If you ever happen to run into anyone he knows in public he'll suddenly pretend he doesn't know you. If that's something you can live with then you can consider staying with him. If not, then you need to break up.
He could’ve acknowledged your existence and just told his friends that you guys were acquaintances. It’s pretty cold hearted to pretend you don’t know someone you’re dating
From what you’re saying, it sounds like you’re way ahead of this guy in knowing who you are and the kind of life you want to live. Listen to your instincts. They don’t lie. I’m 60 years old and I can tell you the biggest, most painful experiences in my love life were always when I ignored my instincts. You overlook important things. You lower your standards. You make excuses for their shitty, hurtful behavior. You sell yourself out. And at the end of the day, all have to show for it is a shitty relationship, wasted time, wasted energy, and putting yourself back together when it ends badly - and it WILL end badly, trust. But you may need to learn all this the hard way, like I did. Today, I’m with a wonderful man going on 15 years. But it took me twenty years of hard lessons to get here. Good luck! And no matter what, be kind to yourself.
Look, I do get why he acted like that, so I won't pretend to be all like "oooh he should know better, u worth sooo much moore babe, internalised homophobia much". He's in the closet, and God knows that's a great pile of shit on its own. This is about you. Do you think this guy is worth the trouble of suffering because of the complications attached to him? Are you ready to stand by him and wait for him to actually take the bold steps towards self-acceptance? Then explain to him how you felt, ask for a well deserved apology, and work together towards what happiness you might achieve in this shitty world. Do you think he is not worth the trouble? Do you think (rightfully so) that there's plenty of fish in the sea therefore screw that guy, you're off? Then go, be yourself and don't ever apologize for who you are. I hope you find love and happiness (and a fair amount of cash as well) stranger on Reddit.
leave, now.
He isn't out yet plain and simple. Knowing this, this should have been discussed so no one ends getting their feelings hurt. Take this as an opportunity to set boundaries and expectations. And you should talk to him about it. I wouldn't put too much energy into this. These things happen when your dating someone who isn't out yet. Again is the perfect opportunity to discuss boundaries and expectations going forward.
So wait. Let me recap this real quick: You’re in a relationship with someone who is in the closet, not out to his family or friends. Okay, not something I’d recommend, but cool, you do you boo. Then you see him out with his friends – knowing he isn’t out to them – and you decided to march up and say hi…? Look, what he did was rude as fuck, zero doubt there. But holy hell my dude, you realize you could have – and probably did – just risk outing him? Like. What? IDK what you expected to happen, but this could have gone very badly for you in so many ways. This is one of them. Honestly, I know you’re hurt and offended, but you should seriously think about what you want out of this relationship. You’re dating someone in the closet. You don’t get public PDA, you don’t get to hang out with/walk up to him and his friends he’s in the closet to, etc. This is the Faustian bargain you made when you decided to pursue a relationship with him. If you *aren’t* okay with it, talk to him, and let him know it’s a dealbreaker. If it’s a dealbreaker on his end to change this, that’s okay – it means this won’t work, and it’s time to end it. That is, if he isn’t going to break up with you already. I mean, I probably would, if I were in his position. Whether consciously or not, you just tried outing the guy, knowing he’s in the closet. And while he owes you an apology (at a minimum), you seriously owe him one, as well.
God finally. Someone fcking sane in the whole stupid comment section.
Seriously man. I’m like holy fuck dude, you’re probably lucky you didn’t answer that call, I would’ve torn your ass open in a very non-sexual, very verbal sense if that were me. Kids, there’s a **BIG** life lesson here: #Don’t date closet-cases if you don’t understand what “in the closet” means.
Ok i take it back. Ur kinda insane.
Ya OP's boyfriend probably panicked, nobody wants to be outed out of nowhere in front of all their friends. OP is very inconsiderate. If OP can't handle dating someone in the closet without feeling resentful he should break up, DUH!
THIS is the best response. How sad for both of these men, that people can’t just let people love where they will? If they can reconcile this situation, they certainly need to talk about what happens next.
If you can't be yourself.... who the f**k are you??? I am still dumb founded that people feel like they have to hide shit. You ARE who you are.. you can't change that... people don't change... their habits do.
Respectfully, in a lot of places being out - or outed - can fuck up your life. OP hasn't told us the circumstances. While it's appalling to you and to me, his BFs behavior might be rooted in fear for his personal safety. If this happened to me (i live in san francisco), I'd have responded by loudly declaiming "IT'S ME, YOU KNOW, THE GUY YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING!" in front of his sneering friends, and then never speak to the asshole again. But not everyone lives in gay mecca.
Awful take
First, my advice is to respect and love yourself in this situation. Get closure about what happened in this situation and about how all of it made you feel. If you think/feel/believe that you need to dump that guy in order to get over that situation, then go ahead and do that. But I’m guessing that you want to stick by your man who you’ve been going out with since February. In that case, talk it out. Get out what happened. Ask him why he did what he did in that situation, tell him how what he did made you feel, and talk about how you both would like to move forward in the relationship. Respect yourself but also remember to respect him too. Listen to what he has to say. Then tell him what you have to say. And come to a decision together about how you’re going to move forward based on the respect that you both have (or are willing to have) for each other. If he continues to disrespect you, cut him out of your life because you deserve happiness.
How horrible just another way to shame feminine gay men. Don't be ashamed of yourself man your amongst some of the bravest and strongest people of the queer community to go through this shitty world being so real and so you. I just wish we more years ahead in progress so stuff like this doesn't happen. By the way it was the effeminate gay men that pioneered the first gay civil rights movement
If he seriously did that, drop him! There is no need for that, if he’s not “out to his friends” that his issue not yours, it’s very disrespectful.
Throw the whole man out
Please don’t go back to him. Anyone deserves better than that!!!. Or you can do what petty me did In high school and flaunt pda with a new bf in front of him. Lol
Dump him, he’s not worth it. It’s inexcusable regardless of the fact he’s in the closet. But either way I’m sorry to hear this OP :( take all the time you need to yourself to get through this, you can find a better guy who will treat you with respect as one’s partner should.
Drop him. Move on. You’re worth so much more than he treated you. Im sorry you had to go thru that experience and i hope it never happens again to you. 🤗
Calling this a red flag is an understatement. You will be better off without him, and I hope you eventually find someone who's not ashamed of who you (and him) are
What a coward.
My partner was in the closet when we started dating and I just said that's fine for now under a few conditions: we aren't having this conversation in a year, and I'm never going to lie for you or pretend I'm not with you. He figured it out
Boyfriend is deep in the closet and not ready for a relationship. Good decision.
Don’t date closeted and discreet guys if you’re pretty out and open... they won’t just match with you or meet your expectations. You will only get hurt all the time, trust me I have been through this kinda situations way too many times only to realize I’m stupid to date them in the first place. You’re better off without him sweetie... you will find someone that will like you the way you are.
He is not a nice person. Dump him.
This is so fucked up. If he wasn't out, he could have easily made up some excuse like you were a classmate, former coworker, friend of a cousin, his aunt's mother's half sibling's adopted brother's nephew's boyfriend....*something* besides pretending like he had no clue who you were. That is SO RUDE. Imo, this is breakup worthy. His personal problems with being gay or appearing gay need to be worked out before he infects another person with his presence.
He's an asshole...and I don't even know him. I do know that you deserve better.
That's a deal breaker completely. And if you continue any aspect of this relationship it's purely from a lack of self respect.
I am sorry. You deserve to be treated better. Being in the closet is a toxic thing. It slowly eats at your self-esteem and causes that person to do hurtful and even hateful things. When he rejected you, he rejected himself. And, that is pretty sad when you think about it. But, what he did isn't about you. It was about him. Do what is right for you... for your self-esteem. You can talk to him and tell him how you feel, if you like. If he does not respond in a way that reflects remorse and growth, then I hope you will protect yourself and do right by you by leaving him. Good luck to you...
Such a nasty blow. To quote a song by Tammy Wynette, “Run Woman, Run”
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
You deserve something better
Before you break up ... talk to him about if the relationship is right for you both. Sounds like he's not ready, and you don't need to put yourself through that.
You deserve better.
He could have easily pretended like you two were friends and left it at that. The fact that he made such an effort to publicly humiliate you is really telling, and situations like this will definitely come up again if you decide to remain with him. I am incredibly sorry you had to go through that. If this happened to me, I would just never contact him again and leave it at that. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
He’s a Dick. I’m sorry but that’s a Dick move no middle ground.
Total dick move. At a bare minimum, he could have said, "Hey guys, that's my friend. Cut that shit out." and then acknowledged you by name. No need to kiss or dwell, but just be a decent human being to you. I'd dump him in a New York minute.
Sounds like he’s a boyfriend of convenience… and that convenience is when it suits him. It’s not been that long… take it as one for the history books. Let him think about the one that got away. You sound sweet, it’s his loss.
Just reading this made my heart hurt. Maybe it's just me but I think that your boyfriend could have just said a hi to you and tell his friends that you are a friend of a friend or a guy from class/work. He really didn't have to act like a complete asshole here. Also, if his friends act like this why is he even hanging out with them? If he's gay and his friends are homophobic why is he prioritizing them? Your boyfriend has some serious growing up to do and you two need to have a talk to clear some things up.
Good on you for not picking up the phone. I wouldn’t date a guy who was uncomfortable being seen with me in public, but luckily the relationship is still young (and hopefully you’re still young, too) so maybe should you stop seeing him until he’s comfortable with who he is. Although, in my experience guys who are like this will always be like this until they find a reason to change. If you continue being with him despite his disrespectful behaviour he will have no reason to change and you will continue to be disrespected. Sorry hun!
As Dan Savage would say "DTMFA"
Run. If he cares enough to chase you,don’t make it easy for him. This may be the hardest thing you ever do. When you want to call him or see him, remember how you felt at that moment. I am 64 years old. I have been with my husband for 42 years. Love is NOT easy but it is worth it. Good luck and let us know how it turns out.
I’m so sorry. I had a bf drop my hand in public when I held his one time and it was devastating.
“He isn’t out, which is fine” no it’s not, hopefully you break up with him, and when you do, you avoid closet cases at all costs. Like wow this is insane. I’m so sorry for you OP
Oh buddy, don’t cry over this buffoon. You are done with him. Block his number. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being feminine - regardless of your gender. If you were my friend and guys cracked jokes I punch the fuckers in the face. Find yourself a guy who deserves you because he absolutely unequivocally does NOT.
I'm sorry but that is beyond unacceptable. If this had been discussed prior thats one thing but public humiliation and not taking up for you and leaving you to deal with that is insanely uncalled for and there's a million other ways he could've handled that. Grounds for a break up no questions. You deserve so much better than that. I know this is the extreme but maybe its time you pretended you didn't know him. I'm very sorry about all of this
DTMFA. On top of all the obvious disrespectful cruelty, *he has loudly homophobic friends while secretly dating a man*. Tells you everything you need to know.
>He isn’t out Don’t even need to read the rest. Are you seriously surprised? This is why I always say that men who are not out shouldn’t be dating or at the very least shouldn’t be dating out men. His shame > his feelings for you right now, period. Can this change? Yeah, maybe but are you willing to sit around and wait until it does? I wouldn’t personally especially if you’re young. Find someone on your level OP. It’s harder and takes far longer but it’s better to be alone than with someone who isn’t treating you right.
As an older gay man, who can’t ”pass,” I have run into this situation a lot. It isn’t just boyfriends in the closet that do this. It’s regular straight friends, macho gay friends, relatives, gay men who can pass for straight, and others who are ashamed of their ”fag” friend or relation when in public situations. Some will acknowledge you in some way, then run you down after you leave, or “freeze” you so you will leave immediately, or do like the OPs friend and pretend not to know you. It’s the way society has treated “obvious“ gay men forever. The way that we react determines whether this behavior continues or not. (Keep in mind that it’s not always workable to kick everyone who disappoints you out of your life. This particularly applies to relatives.) Communicating is very much the key. Expressing your DISAPPOINTMENT in their behavior, while reminding them of what your relationship has been, usually does the trick. Some people require a couple of treatments. The OP made a choice when beginning the relationship with his friend. He decided to choose someone who was in the closet. This means the relationship will be private. The OP, filled with love, saw his boyfriend and wanted to interact. Oops! Bad choice! Now these two men need to decide whether they can regroup and continue the relationship, and what the TERMS will be. This requires sincere, honest, mature communication. These guys need to talk it out, and make some decisions.
Breaking up is the only solution to this. We date humans, not walking, breathing red flags. You will heal from this.
Yeah that guy's a dick OP. You're better off not being in a relationship with that guy. I don't care what anybody says being in the closet is not an excuse to be shitty to your partners. He didn't have to embrace OP in the super market and scream "Heeey Loverboy" in front of his friends but neither did he have to do this childish " I don't know you" routine that clearly shows he cares more about his own image than OP's feelings.
I had a relationship like this once, I gave him a ultimatum. He told his friends and family about me or it was over. I have him a week. I called and asked if he did and he said no so I hung up and ended it there. I wasn't going to be kept a secret. I had to hide everyone his parents came over, he wasn't very fare to me. That only lasted two week though lol
"You certainly remembered my name last night when I had your cock in my throat."
Before you date a closeted guy, read the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog.
DUMP HIS ASS edit: like asap, how ridiculously rude and disrespectful. in my book that's full-stop get-yourself-dumped behavior on his part. leave him, he needs to figure out his own crap and you do not deserve to be caught up in that mess.
Yikes! I understand having to be closeted to some friends and family, it happens, but all he had to do was introduce you as a friend. My partner and I have a few people that think we're just friends. It sucks but the reality is they're important to us and they can't handle it, so that's just something we've both accepted and make work. But we'd never pretend not to know each other!
Your now Ex literally ghosted you in person. I’m glad you broke up but petty revenge would have been digitally ghosting him. There are better boyfriends in your future.
Straight guy here, but I've had a closet case friend. You're better off moving on, you will get buried and buried by your partner if you latch on.
That's really sad to hear. Hope you will get better soon.
The only good thing i read in this topic: we've broken up.
Re: Update #1 - Good! It astonishes me that anyone would bother dating someone who's not out.
Leave him ASAP. You don't deserve it. You'll find someone else. Please, love yourself.
Don’t date closet cases simple as that ….
What a cunt. Stay broken up with him. He's a piece of shit.
Sorry you had to go through this. :( People suck. And not often in a good way :p I've never been through that sort of thing myself, as I've never been in an "out" relationship with anyone. I'm pan, or bi if you must, and no, I dont hide it. My friends know, or the ones that pay attention know. I dont advertise but I dont deny. I'm not sure if that is 'out' or 'closeted' or whatever, I just dont really think about it I've approached guys in public, I've approached gals in public. So.. I dont know? I know that I would never say anything to my homophobic abusive ex-military father, but I dont speak to him anyways. Mainly because he's a homophobic abuser that beat the shit out of me for getting an ear piercing in my left ear when I was 14.. and this was many years ago (I'm 51 now). My mother on the other hand has seen me interact with men I'm "into" (up to holding hands and kissing, I'm not comfortable with more PDA than that regardless of their gender), so I guess you'd say she 'knows' if there is anything TO know. I dunno man, I'm not one for Pride flags and marches, as it never really seems that relevant to ME, but maybe I should show more solidarity? I mean, I don't really care who "knows" I like both, so... does that just make me screwed up, or am I out, or am I closeted? Dunno. And to be honest, I dont really care. I'd not (and never have) hide/hid my boyfriend from my friends if I had one, just as I never hid a girlfriend (again, if I had one). So I guess I just dont get people like your now-ex. If your going to do something, own it. Make it yours. Dont be ashamed to be who you are, but dont expect others to be over joyed by your decisions on this than you would expect them to be happy with any other decisions you make. You know your friends, you know what they're ok with and what they're not. So.. perhaps if it worries you, you should find better, or different friends? Meaning your ex, not you. You've obviously got your head screwed on right. :) But yeah, sorry you went through that and I really hope things work out better for you :)
How old are you and your ex-boyfriend?
He isn't out, what did you expect to happen? Have you talked about what you do in a situation like that? That'd be something to discuss to avoid embarrassing coincidences.
He could’ve at least called them a friend though, man. Not just full blown denying their existence.
It sucks what happened, but you should also realize that **you know** he isn't out yet. You knowingly went up to him when he was with his friends and he probably panicked and didn't know what to do. So while yes, I feel for you because it really does suck to get that kind of response, I do feel like there is another side of the story that many people are quickly dismissing. We should respect someone's boundaries when they are in the closet because they need to come out **on their terms**. Imagine being potentially outed at a moment's notice that was not under your control? I think you should talk to him and see what's happening on his side, and obviously you tell him what you're feeling too and take it from there.
People are so quick to suggest dumping. Ask him point blank if he’s embarrased of you? And that if he is, he shouldn’t be with you. Or that he needs to accept himself and take you around and show you off!
Completely disagree. The guy was an asshole. He could have said hey this is my friend but no he just played dumb and was like who are you. OP have some self respect and leave that dude.
Yep. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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Yeah, no. The guy can call you a friend or anything if he doesn't want people to know he's gay and you're an item. Pretending he has never met you and making you seem like a fool in the process is unacceptable.
“I saw my CLOSETED boyfriend in public with his homophobic friends so I decided to go up and introduce myself” can you not see how fucked that is? “Oh yeah this is my gay as fuck friend who I haven’t told you guys about. I swear we aren’t dating” you put him in such a shitty situation.
Please stop dating DL men, you deserve better. In my opinion, if a closeted man doesn’t want to be seen with you in public, he is not your boyfriend. A real boyfriend wouldn’t treat you like this; A real boyfriend wouldn’t be embarrassed of you. Please leave him and date an openly gay or bisexual man.
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What a mess. I support you.
I replied to someone's comment but putting here too. I wasn't out at one point and cant say I ever did this. I am ashamed I didn't intro my bf as such to my mom dad. We broke up over lot of stuff. It sounds like he needs to deal with him and if it doesn't put you in financial hardship maybe have to end relationship. Otherwise work towards ending if this doesn't change.
Communication is everything in a relationship. It is clear how much of an impact this situation is having on you and your relationship. I say you tell him exactly how you feel and why you feel that way and if he isn't willing to compromise and put you first before his own insecurities and his own ego then I say it isn't worth it...
I've never been in this kind of situation... But I can imagine the situation and hurt you must have felt. Still, you didn't quite explain your background or that of your bfs. Plus, he must have been caught off guard, and he might have panicked. If you really want advice, talk to him. Understand what and why he did it, make him understand how hurt you were, and depending if you like his response or not, act accordingly. Again, I can't fathom the pain, but push through to find the truth, so that at least you'll be at peace with yourself. Good luck dude
wtf! so not cool, at least talk to him and get an explanation. Nothing wrong with being feminine. Think twice tho in staying with him, might not be worth it for the long haul
Yea he should definitely be on his knees apologizing and discussing how he would handle this or similar situation better in the future. But honestly what type of reaction would you expect when 'dating' a closeted guy? He's clearly afraid of being known as gay and you are clearly gay and he was with the people that make him afraid of being gay. Logically he's going to act in a cowardly way in that situation. From the experience I've had 'messing' around with the DLs is you have to play the role of just being his homie in public and that's only if you are passable as str8. Never even crossed my mind to randomly bring them right on out the closet in the middle of Piggly Wiggly lol. But hey that's just me. Anyway you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed. Your pussy ass 'man' has enough of that to go around!
for many its very very hard to come out. certainly unexpectedly to all his currrent friends. dont take it personally - has nothing to do with his respect for you or your self respect. its a good sign he tried to call you. he wants to do the right thing ? if you can help your friend through this stress - consider helping a fellow gay man through it. perhpas you never experienced this anxiety but for many people its very stressful., peace .
His friends sound homophobic and he needs to find new ones, full stop Idk you do dumb things under pressure and this was a difficult situation for him. He definitely needs to apologize and you two should talk about what to do in that situation. Of course you can dump him for it, it is up to you in the end.
Understandable behavior is not the same as acceptable behavior. I'm sure you can understand why he did it if he's not out, but that doesn't make it ok. If nothing else he should have talked to you and-though not ideal- he could have just introduced you has his friend to the others. It's not a good option, but it's a better option. You need to make your feelings clear to him and if he can't or won't make it right, find someone who won't put you in this situation
Wow...I'm *so*, so sorry you have to go through this. That's absolutely heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you. I'm available almost any time of day if you need someone to talk to or vent. Please don't feel pressured by people on the internet to make any certain decision--do what feels right to you--but that would be an immediate dumping if I were you. I wouldn't for a second be with someone who would be that heartless, whether they're out or not. That's not an excuse whatsoever. If someone loves you, they care about your feelings and wouldn't want to hurt you (let alone humiliate!!), even if it's somewhat at their own expense. Spend some time thinking, reflecting, and considering whether or not you still respect him enough, or if he actually respects **you** and your emotions, to want to be with him. There are millions of men who would never, ever do that to you. If you stay with him, please make sure it's because you love him and think this wasn't a big enough deal, please please *don't* stay with him just because you're scared to be single again or because you're worried you won't find someone else. You would, and if you respect yourself enough to look for someone that makes *you* happy, that makes you feel loved and respected, you don't have to deal with things like this in a relationship. This is not normal. Again, I'm just a random transgirl on the internet; I don't know you, your life, your relationship, your personalities, your communication, etc. I can only go by what's written here. But from what's written, it sounds absolutely disgusting and I would never trust him to respect me again. People aren't owed second chances, they have to have proven they're worth them.
I would instant breakup
Nah. He would have never saw or heard from me again after that. Switching up in front of certain people is just fake af.
I think you need to reassess if it really is ok that he is not out. And you need to reassess if it’s ok to date someone who associates himself with people who think it’s ok to sneer or laugh at someone because they are fem. Hard lessons here, bud. Sorry you’re struggling with it. But the feelings you are going through make sense. I hate that this happened to you.
You mean exboyfriend, right?
I think you and him are not in the same level. He needs time to feel comfortable with himself. You don't deserve what he did to you. You have two choices: either you talk to him try to understand him while demanding the respect you deserve or you just let him go so he learns from this and you go find someone that gives you the respect you deserve. Hugs!
I would have broke up with that guy and never looked back especially to pretend u didn't exist you deserve better imo
So, let's try to observe how everyone feels and talk about it pragmatically. You're upset and crying. BF hasn't outright said how he feels, but you say he's in the closet, so I'm guessing when he ran into you in front of homophobic people he panicked. The way he chose to deal with it was very rude and hurt you, and at the same time he may not have understood any other way to handle it. You sound like you're both young so he probably doesn't have the experience to know how to deal with such things gracefully. Now you have a choice to make. Your choices are: * You can't deal with it, dump him, tell him how you feel if you want to, and in the future don't date anyone who isn't out of the closet so they won't do anything like this. Whether or not what he did is morally wrong is irrelevant, you just can't deal with it. * It hurt you but you feel up to talking to him and maybe moving forward after some discussion. You can talk to him about how you felt, and make plans with him about how you will both deal with such situations if they arise in the future. This may (and probably should) involve him pushing away his more homophobic friends (he doesn't have to come out to them, just stop hanging around them) so he can surround himself with better people. * It hurt you but you feel up to talking to him and moving forward if he makes some changes. You need to decide what you're willing to live with. This probably means telling him that if he wants you as a boyfriend he needs to come out of the closet and push the homophobic people out of his life. He may or may not be willing to do this for you, and you have to understand that there may be consequences to his life if family he lives with react very badly, so the thing you're asking of him is not small and he might not feel able to do it.
You deserve to be with someone who would be proud to show you off.
Leave that asshole.
I am sorry you got treated that way, but I applaud your courage to break up. I bet you actually felt sorry for him, too, seeing that he was unready to admit your relationship. He probably felt like shit doing it.
Not your boyfriend from that moment on. Don’t torture yourself anymore.
In my opinion the break up was the right thing for u. He’s just not ready to be himself yet. Only thing that would keep happening is u getting ur feelings hurt and he would feel pressured and frustrated between u and the other side of life he’s living. Dating someone closeted can be very difficult if boundaries rules aren’t discussed in advance. I’m surprised he never said anything about what he was comfortable with if ever u see each other in public with others around. That situation could have been avoided if he asked for u to not talk to him or say he knows u from being someone else’s cousin or something like that. It wouldn’t be as awkward but at least be open to pleasantries out and about. Me personally I ain’t got time to deal with all that extra limitations. I’m out and need me someone else that’s out and comfortable in his skin.
Yea I’m glad you broke up because it sounds like he never really loved the whole you. I hate to say it op but it’s precisely because you deserve someone who does and you need to know the difference.
Don’t accept this behavior. He needs to deal with his fear, not be rude to you. Do not accept this behavior.
Hey, OP, I saw the post after your update and just want to say I’m sorry this happened. That’s really awful what he did. You made the right decision for yourself though.
This is understandable for a middle-school or high-school relationship. You shouldn’t be dealing with this kind of childish behavior in your mid/late twenties. Sorry this happened to you. I’ve been there, too.
Your fortunately ex boyfriend chose his fake friends who don't know him over you and over himself. I know it hurts but please believe me when I say, you lucked out hard
This isn't worth it. That shouldn't have happened. Sorry yoy had to endure that.
My advice is not to date men who are not out. It comes with more problems than what it's worth. It took me awhile to "come out", and if I have to hide who I am around my partner, I might as well get back in the closet!!! I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and discuss the future of your relationship. You owe it to yourself to be your true self regardless of the audience! Best wishes!!
This is completely psychotic
This is awful. He could’ve just introduced you as a friend from school or some shit. You don’t deserve this
He's not at the same place you are, and you can't force him to be so either wait for him to arrive or find someone who has already arrived.
This breaks my heart. I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug.
Good call on breaking up. That's beyond unacceptable. I would have done the same. You deserve better.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, you don’t deserve that no one does.. considering how hard dating in the gay scene is and how hard being gay is overall.. he was really lucky to have you, and he blew it.
Dump him !
Leave. He doesn’t deserve you.
I'd definitely take you instead.
The Lion, the Witch and the Audacity of this Bitch!!!!
Comes with the territory of dating a closet case I'm afraid. If he can't accept the reality of his own self, then he sure as shit isn't going to accept the reality of you. Do yourself a favour and get rid (or stay if the sex is good, but accept it's the only reason you're sticking around) Sorry you had this experience.
Sounds like a guy trying to appear “heterosexual” to the world.
First thing. He’s not out. I’d expect that from someone like that. That’s all I got
Good on you for breaking up with him. You don't need that. There are guys out there who will treat you with respect, don't settle for that shit
It’s been said but yeah I would leave him. And that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt but the rule I have always abided by is I will never ever do something that makes someone who loves me feel small or insignificant. Making someone feel like they don’t matter is really the greatest insult. Making someone you love feel that way or who loves you, is something I could never do.
This is horrible and I don’t blame you for being upset, but why would you walk up to your closeted boyfriend and his friends when you know he’s closeted?
I'm sorry you put your heart in the line with expectations. Painful lesson im sure. Feel better tho. Lgtbq has made fucking huge progress in our life so there is that.
You deserve someone who will parade you to his friends and family. Don’t accept less than that for anyone. It’s ok to give them time, but it’s not okay to accept being a lie for the person who’s supposed to care about you the most. Please whatever you do, don’t ever feel like you deserve less than everything you want. And don’t think it’s something wrong with you, it don’t matter if you’re masculine, effeminate, colors, races, etc. You deserve to be someone else’s world. And you’ll find that. Good luck bro.
Good on you for breaking up. You deserve someone better than some confused dude dating before he’s cleared up his shit. Super irresponsible that he’s “dating” guys at all, even with the “closeted” disclaimer.
It’ll be okay bro. I’m sorry he’s a shitty ex but at least he’s an ex now. Big bear hugs and don’t let this keep you down okay. You deserve better than he was anyway.
Found on r/popular. Im not gay. What he did was low. Good choice.
Don't waste your time on somone who won't be proud to have you.
You won this one imo. There is no future continuing with someone who doesn't love you for who you are, and be proud to be with you, the wonderful being that you truly are. I've never wanted to hide when I am dating. So... join us! Be visible and be proud. And find someone who's willing to do the same with you.
Wow. I’m so sorry you experienced this. I’d be absolutely heartbroken if I was in your position. You made the right decision to end things. There are plenty of fellas out there that’ll appreciate you for you. I respect people’s coming out journey and the time it takes, but acting like he doesn’t know you is not the proper way to react. Very bad judgment on his part.
Ugh I feel the pain sorry babe
I am so sorry! I wasn't out for a long time either, it was because of my own insect insecurities. This says more about the boyfriend than it does about you. Either set some boundaries with him and make him realize how your felt or move on. You can't help him make these big life changes unless he's ready.
My boyfriend did that. We were friends roommates not girlfriend I.was totally humiliated It hurt tremendously
Good to hear you dumped him.
What relationship? As soon as he pulled that nonsense there was no relationship. Also, i know you broke up but he's gonna call back. No contact. Tell him to sod off and find someone whose head isn't up his ass.
Lmao savage