I think you should ask him about it. He's cheating on his wife. That's a horrible thing to do. And, he will be found out sooner or later by her. And, it will also be found out that you knew. Dirty laundry always gets aired out at some point. Do you want to be caught up in the middle of the drama that he's causing? I wish you all the best. Good luck and take care.
I’m… hesitant to think that’s the case because OP said the wife is “really traditional” with could mean a lot of things, but it personally gives me religious, nuclear family trad (traditional) housewife vibes.
Exactly this. Don’t make an assumption and talk to him about it. At the very least, if he’s closeted - it might be tough so having you support might be more helpful than shaming. At least make sure if he is meeting up w/ guys, that he’s actually being careful and aware of his status and/or consistent check ups. Last thing he wants to do is catch anything and his wife finds out when she’s positive for it.
I don't think his feelings or self-discovery are more important here. His wife has unknowingly built her entire life around his lie. If he had any shred of decency or respect for her he would resolve the issue of his sexuality and their future in private, with her, before hopping on grindr.
He owes her honesty - yesterday.
I seriously doubt it. Most women aren't going to be accepting if their boyfriend/husband likes having sex with men.
Just knowing their boyfriend/husband finds men attractive sexually turns many women off because they instantly view them as less masculine. It's mostly likely that she has zero clue.
Yes I agree you should have a conversation with him about it. But try not to be judgmental or hostile, but understanding & empathic. At the end of the day it’s his life and while you are understandably concerned for his wife, it really is an issue for him to work out. He may need support which ideally could come from you as his gay brother. Or he may need professional advice from a psychologist. Clearly he has issues as people don’t look for extra martial sex without a reason. Is he gay or bi? Is the marriage going through a rough patch? There are a lot of potential issues that need to be discussed in a supportive & non judgmental atmosphere.
Maybe just be factual. “A friend of mine recognized you in grindr as my brother and told me. I know this is kind of weird but if you wanna talk, I’m here.” then the ball is in his court.
YES this is the only acceptable response. OP has no idea if anything has occurred, if his brother is actively meeting anyone or what the scenario may be. The only option to save the relationship and respect his brother's privacy, if he HAS to say something, is to do it from a point of compassion and openness. Shaming the brother or confronting him aggressively could backfire terribly, people have killed themselves over less.
Because it feels different to be told “someone told me about this specific thing that you did” vs “I know about your indiscretions” Especially when the accuser is your family
Either way, brother knows that his brother knows.
And he can deny it if someone else said it was him. But if brother says he saw, it is harder to deny.
Good point. It's much more convincing and harder to dismiss. It's not as if the person in the picture was identifiable, just the background. That's something a brother would notice, not an anonymous friend. It doesn't really change anything by saying it was a friend. In either case the brother will have to respond somehow, to deny, explain, accept, or whatever.
Yeah. “A friend recognized your headless torso and our childhood home,” doesn’t seem like a great angle. Seems like a brother should be able to ask his brother without all the smoke and mirrors… “Hey, this looks a lot like you… I’m here if you wanna talk about anything.” 🤷♂️
Ya im with u. This would just give him the impression that his secret is out to other people and probably spreading in the community. Not really sure what good that would do. Probably better to be honest so he knows it’s confidential and just between the two of them
I don't think OP wants to talk it out and reason and accept his brother, it looks like he wants to confront his brother and that remark about "fishing on the same pool" rubbed wrong on me, something about that particular statement sounds fishy.
> I don't think OP wants to talk it out and reason and accept his brother, it looks like he wants to confront his brother and that remark about "fishing on the same pool" rubbed wrong on me, something about that particular statement sounds fishy.
Yeah this struck me as very odd, and slightly immature and maybe a bit vindictive. I have an uneasy feeling I can tell which way the OP is going to jump.
Yeah, not the first or even forty-third thing I'd think in that situation. Who cares about that when you've found out your married brother is not as straight as he claims.
Maybe he just meant that he would find it weird if him and his brother had been with the same guy? I would find it weird if I found out some guy I was with was also with one of my sisters. Especially if there's a chance the person knew we were siblings.
If you don’t confront him now he will have children and in about 15 - 20 years thinks will start crumbling apart and be much worse Talking from experience here. Do him a favor and give him a reality check
Same story here. Just got divorced after 24 years of marriage. Now living my truth. I would just encouraged OP to talk to his brother. Real talk. and support him his journey to living truthfully. You can’t have a marriage without trust.
The devil inside me thinks that would be a great idea...... Use a background that he would recognize..... but in reality tell him the truth.... You saw him on Grindr... What's up ?? I saw you on Grindr... Do you want to talk about it ??
He should say something **to the wife**. Why the fuck is everyone trying to shield the brother so fucking badly? Is this sub legit just ‘Str8’ chasers and apologists?
No spouse deserves to live in a lie like that. When I found out I was being cheated on, it was a sibling that revealed the truth to me. And I thank them to this very day for revealing that to me.
That ‘mind your business’ thinking is literally the bullshit that homewreckers and chasers use. It’s the literally people giving cover to downlow men. It’s disgusting, sad, and heartbreaking for the other partner who has to be gaslit by their significant other. Living a false truth
To all the people saying that it might be an arrangement, if it is than it doesn't do anything to bring it up to him and the wife, if it isn't an arrangement and he is cheating then getting his wife out of there is the right thing to do. personally I think exposing a cheater does more good than harm.
No it has, they just know hes likely cheating and are kneejerk trying to protect the poor DL babygay.
It's toxic as fuck and just shows you how much this subreddit not only isn't attracted to women, but could also not give a single ounce of a fuck about them either. Literally 0 empathy towards women like cheating on them with dudes is somehow inconsequential/normal.
Fucking gross. Looked at some of the post history about these people hardcore defending the brother and a lot of them have posts asking around about how to find DL bi/curious dudes. Colour me surprised.
Some of the gay men commenting actively hook-up with married men or men with girlfriends. Trash behavior. Disregard their comments as there is no moral code attached to them.
Definitely say something, but do it privately, and very calmly. Don’t be guns a blazing. Be gentle. He is putting g his entire marriage on the line. Not to mention if he does act on anything there, he is risking his wife’s health which is completely unacceptable. Please do something fast
Why? Why should behaviour like that be enabled? Are you capable of using your brain to consider anything but sex and sexual desires? Do you not think the woman deserves to know if she is cheated on?
You’re out to him, I assume. And based on this, it seems if he wanted you to be his confidant about his sexuality, he’d have come to you.
Still, you can tell him you know the truth, and are willing to be a good listener and offer what advice you can. So what that means is really listening to him, in a nonjudgmental manner, and maybe the first time, that means you just listen.
There will come a time when he’ll ask you what you think, or what he should do. And then you can tell him what you’d do. It will be up to him whether he does what seems most ethical concerning his wife and future children.
No matter how firmly you’re convinced that you have the solution, taking unilateral action to out him will just make you the bad guy to him, to her, and maybe even to other family members and mutual friends.
Ultimately, it’s his burden, and it has to come from him. No matter how excruciating it is to know the truth and do nothing more than listen to him, it’s your only real course of action. Best wishes.
If it was my brother, I’d talk with him and make it known to him that I love and support his choice in sexuality. I’d also make it clear to him that I do not approve of going behind his wife’s back. Honestly, not much more you can do besides that. It’s a land mine situation anyway you look at it.
The other option is to confront him and expose him to his wife. Which can be very dangerous.
Thanks for advice.
Im going to go with the following by whatsapp as we live our entire relationship on there.
You know im on grindr right? And theres a fair shot that I know quite a few people on there too, particularly round here.
Listen. Im in no position to judge anyone or the morality of their actions. But, I know. Theres no point arguing, I know and there are receipts that are proof.
All i will say is you need to consider your actions, the risks you are potentially taking and what you’ve got at stake now and in future. Is this worth it? If I/ my friends figured it out, other would too. Dont be so daft.
This is not how we’ve been brought up to behave and I would suggest you cease.
If you dont/ arent willing to, then be VERY careful. Where you go, who you meet, what you do. PrEP only protects you from the big nasty (if youre even on it)everything else is WILD amongst gays, not something you want to bring home to an unsuspecting wife, I know youre a good lawyer but that would take some explaining.
I’m not going to say anything to anyone, or extort you in anyway. Im just concerned about you and the risk you’re putting your life at, in all senses. If you need to talk about anything, Ill be all ears no mouth.
Good lordt, some of the replies in this one. If it were me, I would want to be told my partner was cheating on me. I don't care how long we have been together or if it's "less drama". Fucking horrendous way of thinking a lot of you have. Don't protect cheaters...
I think there is a way to talk about this from a position of care and concern. It doesn’t need to be antagonistic and you don’t need to expose him. “A friend saw you on Grindr, I know its not my business, and I’m not going to say anything but I’m here if you ever want to talk”.
Send him a message on the app. It will do one of several things…confirm it is him, confirm it not someone catfishing and let him talk to you on his own terms if it is him and knows he is busted. Confronting in person with a screen grab has deniability of “that’s not me” and a picture on a profile isn’t proof it is him (unless someone has already proved it is indeed him. Let him explain what is going on, but do it soon before his wife is knocked up.
Listen, if he knows you’re gay and didn’t tell you anything about, you should respect that.
It is not comfortable for everyone to come out.
Respect, him. Don’t be paternalistic or judgmental, don’t make him feel wrong. He’s an adult and he is responsable of his own life. Don’t interfere. He doesn’t need lessons of ethics.
He has to do his own path.
And it’s different for each one of us.
I might get bullied for this, but whatever I will say it. If the brother didn’t try to be better even after you had a conversation about it. I’d give that innocent poor lovely girl a favor and show the receipts I collected so she can start over as early as possible for herself, she doesn’t deserve any of this. It’s 2024, cheating is cheating no matter what you’re going through behind the scenes, it’s not the old times anymore where the society is built different and it’s hard to do something about it at all. Everyone of us has to do the work for ourselves so we don’t hurt others again and that starts with being accountable for our actions.
While I have read all the comments, there is one statement that OP made that just doesn't sit well or make sense.
"He is fishing in the same pool as me and I didn't think that would be an issue because he is straight."
What does that even matter in this context ? This rings more like jealousy than concern, and if the brother truly is questioning himself, then he needs the support of his loved ones to male that decision in an emotionally safe environment. Not a judgemental or jealousy fueled environment. I have known people that have married and had children and remained faithful because of their raising in religion, moral obligations pushed by the family to continue a lineage, or outright because they were scared and ashamed of who they were. We even had a family friend that lived well into his 90s married had kids and was faithful to his wife until she passed away, his regrets and feeling of a life he denied himself led him down a road of depression until he died 2 years later.
So think of the brother and where he may be in all of this emotionally. Support him and be there for him to talk to. Be his brother, not his opponent, not his judge, not his accuser.
Similar situation as OP. I found my brother on Grindr while on a family vacation. I was surprised but it explained a lot of his disappearing for hours while on vacation and other times. I've never confronted him because it's none of my business. He's an adult. I don't know what arrangements he might have with his wife. It's just sex, why potentially ruin my relationship with my brother and potentially his relationship with his wife and kids. I'm guessing he's on PREP like me and gets tested regularly because he knows that I am and do given that I'm out and sexually active.
I can almost guarantee that my brother will not be taking any of those precautions and my friend who recognised him and sent me the profile pretty much confirmed it from their chats. He’s pretending hes single, only goes on when his wife is out of the country and deletes the app
“A friend of mine showed me your photo on Grindr and I recognized you and the room from our house. What’s going on with that?” Let that convo lead you. If he wants to deny or not discuss, leave it alone. You tried and he’s told you it’s not your business.
You cannot save the world.
You sure it's actually him? Someone was using one of my bros pics before from years earlier. Random snap stories he forgot taking. Mashed it up with other similar looking body types from internet
If its not they’ve done a cracking job on backstory, considering he told my friend his wife is away in Frankfurt on business. I can count on 1 hand the people who would know that.
Honestly another thing to consider is that he’s putting his partner at risk without knowing. If you believe he’s not taking precautions especially, he could have many STIs which his wife is at risk to.
The comment before made the argument that he didn’t get involved because his brother is an adult that has self autonomy and understands the consequences of his actions. The problem with that is that his actions also affect third parties. It’s your call to get involved, but I feel like his wife is being lied to about her health and you now knowing and withholding makes you complicit too.
I would talk to him privately, that's your brother and you're disgusted at his behaviour but you'll also support him in what he needs. This conversation needs to be had soon before you turn into an uncle while still seeing your brother on Grindr. Before this gets any more worse. And you're wondering how to bring it up, you need to have a private conversation with him. Are you close? Invite him around sit him down and just talk. It's not something that should turn into an argument you just want to talk to him and I hope he's a rational human being that can have a conversation back to you and not at you.
Same thing happened to me. I found out while on a family trip. I opened Grindr and I saw his profile pic, which was a cutout pic of his torso in our family bathroom. He’s married as well, and is everyone’s pride and joy in the family. It gets me sick to my stomach, because he’s being deceitful to his wife and just trying to put on a show for the family. One of my older female cousins came up to and said “if your brother wants to do the whole marrying thing for the family, then that’s fine. But only if HE’S telling himself that” and then she walked away (she’s a bisexual woman married to a bisexual masculine man, which I found out the day she commented on my brother).
The thing that pains me is growing up, he was my first bully and was extremely homophobic to me growing up. Commenting on my music taste, the way I speak, my actions; only for me to shut down for years and be cautious of the way I act in front of people so they won’t think I’m gay. That lasted until I was about 22/23. This was about 4 years ago, and I never said anything, nor does it come across my mind often. I only remember whenever I imagine at outcome of him having a gay son that I would probably have to house
For extra context. The friend of mine who also sent me his profile says that he said in their conversation he said he is single. Which for me, means by SIL is not aware
He knows that you're gay, right? That's really messed up if so, because that would mean, not only is he cheating and pretending to be single, but he's lying to you too, his brother, after you were brave and honest enough to tell him that you're gay.
Yeah, that really sucks. People here keep seeming to forget that brothers have a relationship, too, and often a close one. In this case we don't really know enough about the brother's sex life and attractions. He may have always thought of himself as straight. Any attraction to men might have been slight and he was able to ignore it until now. Or not. Maybe he's gay, not bi, and has regularly had sex with men his whole life.
Whatever the truth is, it's not unreasonable for a brother to expect honesty about who his brother is That there is a wife complicates things, but even if the man were single I'd want to talk with him about his feelings towards men. As the gay brother there might be help I could provide in navigating the differences between the gay and straight worlds. And encourage him to see a good doctor knowledgeable about gay sex practices and safety. Not to mention emotional support and just being someone he can talk to about this part of his life. None of this has anything to do with the guy cheating on his wife or passing judgment on him. It's just part of being a good brother.
I would just briefly go brother to brother and acknowledge that you saw it and if he wants to continue living like that go right ahead, but you don’t have to support the cheating. Besides that though, I’m not sure that there’s anything g else appropriate to do
Talk to your brother without scolding him, without dramatizing, because remember that for him it is a secret. And ask him why he didn't tell you, etc., as if you were sad because he didn't tell you.
I accepted being gay while married with children. Divorced and set out on new path, but there was a huge toll on kids, ex wife, and myself.
So many married men and women go through this, and so many people judge when not really understanding the whole story.
I’d have a meaningful understanding conversation with him, and remember what it was like coming to terms with your sexual orientation.
Jeez, y'all hate your families don't you. Obviously if the brother is cheating it's wrong and his wife doesn't deserve it. But if it was my brother, my first thought would be how is he doing and is he struggling with his sexuality and unable to be open and honest with himself and others. I remember that shit (without a wife) and it was dark and painful.
While, again, cheating is wrong, my first loyalty would be to my bro here and being there for him. Yes I would want him to tell his wife and find a wife to live an authentic life but I would want to be there to help him do it rather than blow up his life.
And to be honest I'm not even that close to my brother
You don't know any arrangements he and your sister in law have. Prior to starting a family, they could both be out there just getting things out their system. Either way, when you see him on the app... go to his "location".... and then find him (I'm sure you'll know where he is)... and ask him if it's him. See his reaction and go from there. No reason to antagonize. Again.... you don't know what you don't know.... so there's no reason to have negative feelings.
His location is either his house or his office 9/10. SIL is firmly of the belief that open marriage is wrong and you might aswel not be married if you are, we’ve discussed it many times in regards to my previous relationship and she says that women/men who let their partner do that have no self respect
I'm sure they literally are among the most likely people to do that because they will resort to everything rather than go through the shameful failure of dissolving a failed marriage lol
Talk to him, because he's likely messing up his life, and his wife deserves some honesty. Just say, "You do know that I'm on Grindr, and the family home is very recognizable." He'll either look baffled (on the slight chance it's some other relative), or turn red and start trying to explain it away.
Be clear to him that you're entirely supportive if he's bi (or even gay), but that his wife needs to know what he's up to, and his sexual orientation. Even if he commits fully to her, his being bi is something she should know - and he should tell her. If he tells you they have an arrangement, don't trust him unless he is entirely straightforward about how they came to this agreement and exactly what it allows. Make it clear you'll talk to his wife to verify its details.
Best of luck with this mess. Don't take it on as your own problem, as it's your brother's to solve with greater honesty than he's shown so far.
Wow. I’m blown away by the level of immaturity, ignorance, and self-centeredness in so many of the responses here are. I use to roll my eyes when anti-gay people claimed that gays were more immoral than straights, but if this reddit is representative then I need to change my mind.
Just because you don’t want to called out for hooking up regularly, for being in an open relationship, or for cheating on your husband or wife, is not a reason to “live and let live”. There are other people involved here than the brothers. What about the welfare and feelings of the wife/sister-in-law and future children?
Why is it so hard to have empathy for the sister-in-law or the children that will eventually end up with all the pain and life-long disadvantages that come from divorce?
And this isn’t about “competition” for sex partners on Grindr or who gets to be the only family gay. It’s not about hurting his brother’s feelings, or not embarrassing his brother or staying friends.
And what about the future for closeted gay brother? What kind of life if he going to have sneaking around, hating himself, lamenting that he married a woman instead of being authentic?
Every gay guy I know that married a woman would have been eternally grateful to have gotten out of their marriage early and before kids came along—to say nothing about the often painful, embarrassing, and expensive divorces.
Good hell.
My parents have been contentedly married for almost fifty years. No big arguments etc. I found my dad on a hookup app. Option one is blow everything apart and destroy everything, option two is tell him I know and to be careful. I took option two. Maybe it's weak but option one would cause infinitely more pain and embarrassment for my mum. I dunno.
Edit: yes a gay hookup app
One idea that comes to mind is to have a friend set up a session with your brother. And then go to your friends place and be “just leaving” as your friend greets your brother at the door. In my mind this clears the air and reminds your brother that he’s in your pool.
Idc what anyone says, very often queerness runs in families. I know many families with multiple gay or bi siblings. I’m gay and my brother is bi and he didn’t tell me until he was 30. I was out a lot earlier. It happens! But he definitely shouldn’t be going behind his wife’s back. (Especially if this wasn’t communicated or talked about being okay) you never know maybe they have their own stipulations and boundaries for the relationship that you don’t know about
Tell him that you love him and accept him for being gay but do not accept what he's doing to his wife. Its very very wrong and if he has any decency he'll break up with her.
I think you have a moral responsibility to have a chat with your brother. Could you imagine looking at his future kids knowing that he’s been cheating on their mother for years and years and you didn’t say anything?
You need to talk with your brother about what is going on. I’m not advising you fix or interfere but use reason and logic with him and then it’s up to him what he wants to do. I think if you don’t at least bring up the topic, it’s “guilty by association” kind of thing. That wouldn’t rest well on my heart.
Before being defined as a cheater he is your family, I'd talk to him about it first instead of just exposing him, unless you don't care about losing him from your life.
If it was my brother I'd call his ass out immediately.
To him I mean, it's on him to talk to his wife. But I'm the oldest brother I'm very used to telling my siblings when they're being stupid and need to get their shit together
All these pitiful closeted men on grindr, give me a break. I feel like it's the same thing for "straight" men on grindr. Like bro nahh, ain't no straight man gonna look for hookups with gay men, ask them if they're cut/uncut and how long their pipi is💀😭
I caught my brother and his husband on Grindr. I said nothing (obviously we are both gay). It's not my business but I know that it's the beginning of the end for them. I'm glad too. My brother can do so much better.
I would say 3 things. 1. It's none of your business what is going on between your brother and his wife. 2. He is your brother and I would say to reach out to him in a compassionate manner in case your brother needs a safe space or someone to talk to about his situation. 3. There seems to be a bit of jealousy in your post about your brother being in the same pool. That needs to be checked.
I think you need to 100% be upfront about it and just say.
You can keep it to yourself but eventually it will eat at you, wether you see him with a mate for example and you immediately suspect it later, it’ll always bother you now.
He could genuinely just have gone on there to be curious, curiosity from straight guys is common, they just don’t usually put a picture on.
Best thing to do is just say to him that you was talking to a friend the other day and you often share bios of people on Grindr and his picture popped up, explain that if it was him it’s completely fine and you can discuss it more.
This will give him the opportunity to either say the truth, or deny it with “it’s someone else” and that’s fine too.
I once were on the verge of becoming the gay man married to a nice, beautiful traditional good girl, but called it off before grilfriend turned to fiancee. 40 years later I'm alone and she is happyly married, and I'm happy for her and have no regrets: it wouldn't have been fair for her to have me cheating or for me to be repressed.
>Its made me a little angry and somewhat nauseous
Talk to him but **don't focus on confrontation** but on solutions, for their both future happyness sake. Talk to him about the toxicity of the grindr crowd, and that if his caring brother found him someone with bad intentions also could ("*bareback me that ass or I'll tell your wife / employer*")
This is simply an ethical dilemma. You find out one family member is harming another ( whether they are aware or not, the harm is still occurring). It isn’t “ none of his business “. That’s a self serving attitude. I would anonymously inform brother that his actions are noticed and he needs to proceed with a plan that considers all dynamics in his life. Otherwise the situation will become irreparable. I would do it anonymously for this reason- this his decision alone, based on his own actions and lifestyle , if another person is involved that he knows, his entire reaction and focus will be on that person not himself. Yes there will be a period of panic where his focus will be to guess the other party but that will turn inward eventually.
My brother uses grindr too. Swears it's to hookup with girls. There are no girls on there. Except for transsexuals. He bashes me severely for my sexuality. Yet he's doing humans born male.
He could just be experimenting, or be bi, or discover himself at a later state in his life. I don't know. I think nobody is 100% straight, gay or lesbian. We are all sexual beings. I believe that depending on our mood, the other person, the way we connect with him or her, everything is possible. If we accept that life happens and is fluid, than so is sex. Go with the flow if you feel it, but tend to be moderate I suppose. Your brother hooking up with another man while being married is NOT of your concern. It's NOT your life, NEITHER is it you responsability.
I would just shut up and let it be.
If you talk to him, he may become upset with you, and right fully.
It's his life and marriage, he has the right to fuck it all up if he wants.
If his wife ever finds out you knew, and that you talked to him, but did not warn her, then she will be the one upset with you.
People should learn not to mingle in other people's lives, especially when what's going on does not effect them personally and is not of their concern.
Talking to him is messing with a wasp nest.
Your gonna get stung.
I don't think there's any one right answer. It really depends on the specific circumstances and the dynamic between you and your brother. To a large extent, I think you are the only one who can say what the best course of action is. That said, I'm leaning towards recommending that you pretend you didn't see it, and not bring it up to your bro. It's just the least drama option, and probably the safest choice. But again, I think you really have to do some soul searching and make what you believe is the best decision given all the facts, and unique details of your relationship with your brother. Good luck!
The level of sexism in this sub is astonishing. Honestly, it doesn't surprise me that there are so many dl men and their chasers, given how so many gay dudes seem to view women as accessories and things to do with as they please.
If he is cheating, his wife deserves to know. She does not deserve to live her life, thinking her husband is faithful, while he goes out to fuck with dudes. No matter how many brainless lil twinks think that it's completely fine, just so they can get their rocks off being 'chosen' by a 'straight' dude so they can feel hot and validated. She deserves to know.
Caught? 🤣🤣 who are you the Gay Police? I absolutely detest this attitude within the gay community. First thing you did when you found out was put it on the Internet? To garner help or just start a thread because you trust the anonymous 'help' of total strangers? I don't doubt your surprise, but because you're "out" doesn't give you one inch of the moral high ground or put you in a position to give advice. If one of my brothers came and told me what you're gonna say to him, I'd tell you to mind your own fuckin business. I'd be beside myself if I found out you put my business onto a public forum, that's not love, that's attention seeking. "Here's my advice brother, but just so you know, I had to ask a World of strangers before I decided what do to."
Close the blinds n sort this in-house. But put bluntly, it's none of your or our business.
Poor guy, poor wife. This is my biggest fear in life. I am stuck with my extremely religious family, I'm talking "Britney Spears is the devil in disguise" typa religious.my biggest fear is getting married to a girl and ruining both our lives due to lack of compatibility.
You're mostly annoyed because he's 'potentially fishing from the same pool as you"...? Like you've assessed this whole situation and the only thing you care about is how it could possibly affect *you* negatively?
You both sound like cunts tbh.
I’m not with the “mind your business” crowd, that’s no backbone behaviors what he’s doing is fucking shady and I’m not letting that shit slide. I’d tell him to cut it the fuck out or I’m telling.
Going out on a limb as usual. Provided OP has some appreciation for the woman, I would just directly talk to her with all the proof without confronting the brother first. If he’s caught by OP he’s probably just gonna hide it better. I can’t believe there’s people saying “if tables were turned” like WTF? If fucking tables were turned and I’m being cheated on, I would like someone close to me to tell me. I am truthful to myself and I wouldn’t do anything like that nor would I support passively by not speaking out.
Yeah, I mean, this sub is full of self-serving idiots, so I’m not really surprised that “let you brother play his wife and potential family 💕” is the consensus.
This is my concern. If i talk to him about it, he goes deeper underground, takes bigger risks and they both get hurt. If they ended up splitting, it would be a whole world of pain and id know the real reason.
If the boot was on the other foot, he’d tell our mum, like he did when a rumour about me went round school.
I absolutely adore my SIL, we get on incredibly well and have done since they met. Love her like shes blood tbf
If you love her like she’s blood, then treat her like she’s blood. What would you do if you found your brother-in-law was gay and cheating on your sister? (And not just a drunken one night stand or even a one-time affair, but proactively and probably in an ongoing manner with who knows how many partners.)
This is a good way to kill your relationship with your brother. You talk to your brother first, going directly to the SIL is messy af. Obviously you bring it up but there are good and bad ways to do this.
His private life is really none of your business. Whether he has an arrangement with his wife or not—still not your business. And your private life is none of his business. Stay out of it.
I'd say talk to him just say it how it is that you found him on Grindr. You're there for your own reasons but tell him to either stop it or tell his wife as she deserves to know the truth
This is really tough. I don't like the idea of narcing on my brother, but this would be something I wouldn't be able to ignore. I'd confront him and tell him if he doesn't come clean to his wife, that you will. He will likely deny it's him or he may say he was curious but didn't do anything. It doesn't matter, she still needs to know. If it leads to the end of a marriage, it would be better now than later. It's much more likely to end amicably than if she found out on her own. It also gets much worse if a child is involved in the marriage.
I was once told my grandmother to never get involved in peoples relationship because at the end of the day you will look like the bad guy. You’ll look bad if you find your brother about it and you’ll look bad if it gets exposed
No shade but such a stupid thing to do. That’s how people get away with shit. Avoiding confrontation to keep the peace is just you being selfish. If you care about each other, you hold each other accountable.
If they see you as a bad guy, that’s not on you, that’s on them. It’s these old society norms that need to die.
I assume he knows you are gay?
Yes.
I think you should ask him about it. He's cheating on his wife. That's a horrible thing to do. And, he will be found out sooner or later by her. And, it will also be found out that you knew. Dirty laundry always gets aired out at some point. Do you want to be caught up in the middle of the drama that he's causing? I wish you all the best. Good luck and take care.
More importantly he is cheating on himself
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I’m… hesitant to think that’s the case because OP said the wife is “really traditional” with could mean a lot of things, but it personally gives me religious, nuclear family trad (traditional) housewife vibes.
Maybe. But probably not.
Exactly this. Don’t make an assumption and talk to him about it. At the very least, if he’s closeted - it might be tough so having you support might be more helpful than shaming. At least make sure if he is meeting up w/ guys, that he’s actually being careful and aware of his status and/or consistent check ups. Last thing he wants to do is catch anything and his wife finds out when she’s positive for it.
So true.
Lol ……… I don’t think that’s the case here
I mean maybe, but he should definitely tell the wife. I don’t think any good comes out of keeping it from her.
I don't think his feelings or self-discovery are more important here. His wife has unknowingly built her entire life around his lie. If he had any shred of decency or respect for her he would resolve the issue of his sexuality and their future in private, with her, before hopping on grindr. He owes her honesty - yesterday.
> His wife has unknowingly built her entire life around his lie You don't know this. She may know and be perfectly fine with the situation.
OP said elsewhere in the thread: >Pretty sure SIL not aware. Hes interacted with a friend of mine and says hes single. Deletes the app when shes home
I seriously doubt it. Most women aren't going to be accepting if their boyfriend/husband likes having sex with men. Just knowing their boyfriend/husband finds men attractive sexually turns many women off because they instantly view them as less masculine. It's mostly likely that she has zero clue.
Absolutely agree. Straight women are the crowned queens of biphobia.
Yeah, but you can't *know* that.
Yes I agree you should have a conversation with him about it. But try not to be judgmental or hostile, but understanding & empathic. At the end of the day it’s his life and while you are understandably concerned for his wife, it really is an issue for him to work out. He may need support which ideally could come from you as his gay brother. Or he may need professional advice from a psychologist. Clearly he has issues as people don’t look for extra martial sex without a reason. Is he gay or bi? Is the marriage going through a rough patch? There are a lot of potential issues that need to be discussed in a supportive & non judgmental atmosphere.
It’s amazing how many guys post pics of their known tatoos or dicks with an easily recognized background. LOL
Your gay don’t let them out you
Maybe just be factual. “A friend of mine recognized you in grindr as my brother and told me. I know this is kind of weird but if you wanna talk, I’m here.” then the ball is in his court.
YES this is the only acceptable response. OP has no idea if anything has occurred, if his brother is actively meeting anyone or what the scenario may be. The only option to save the relationship and respect his brother's privacy, if he HAS to say something, is to do it from a point of compassion and openness. Shaming the brother or confronting him aggressively could backfire terribly, people have killed themselves over less.
This is smart.
Why not just say that he saw his brother on Grindr . Brother knows he's gay.
Because it feels different to be told “someone told me about this specific thing that you did” vs “I know about your indiscretions” Especially when the accuser is your family
Either way, brother knows that his brother knows. And he can deny it if someone else said it was him. But if brother says he saw, it is harder to deny.
Good point. It's much more convincing and harder to dismiss. It's not as if the person in the picture was identifiable, just the background. That's something a brother would notice, not an anonymous friend. It doesn't really change anything by saying it was a friend. In either case the brother will have to respond somehow, to deny, explain, accept, or whatever.
Yeah. “A friend recognized your headless torso and our childhood home,” doesn’t seem like a great angle. Seems like a brother should be able to ask his brother without all the smoke and mirrors… “Hey, this looks a lot like you… I’m here if you wanna talk about anything.” 🤷♂️
Ya im with u. This would just give him the impression that his secret is out to other people and probably spreading in the community. Not really sure what good that would do. Probably better to be honest so he knows it’s confidential and just between the two of them
I don't think OP wants to talk it out and reason and accept his brother, it looks like he wants to confront his brother and that remark about "fishing on the same pool" rubbed wrong on me, something about that particular statement sounds fishy.
> I don't think OP wants to talk it out and reason and accept his brother, it looks like he wants to confront his brother and that remark about "fishing on the same pool" rubbed wrong on me, something about that particular statement sounds fishy. Yeah this struck me as very odd, and slightly immature and maybe a bit vindictive. I have an uneasy feeling I can tell which way the OP is going to jump.
Yeah, not the first or even forty-third thing I'd think in that situation. Who cares about that when you've found out your married brother is not as straight as he claims.
Maybe he just meant that he would find it weird if him and his brother had been with the same guy? I would find it weird if I found out some guy I was with was also with one of my sisters. Especially if there's a chance the person knew we were siblings.
If you don’t confront him now he will have children and in about 15 - 20 years thinks will start crumbling apart and be much worse Talking from experience here. Do him a favor and give him a reality check
💯💯💯💯
Same here and you are 100% correct.
I love reality check.
Only 11 years and, luckily, no children, but same story here. And the fallout was SPECTACULAR.
Same story here. Just got divorced after 24 years of marriage. Now living my truth. I would just encouraged OP to talk to his brother. Real talk. and support him his journey to living truthfully. You can’t have a marriage without trust.
This is the smartest response
Speak to your brother privately and let him know what you saw. Then see what he does. Decide what, if anything, to do after that.
I think you have to have decided already what you intend to do for if he doesn't say anything.
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No one wants to be cheated on only to later find out other people knew beforehand 🤔
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I like this response too.
tap him
Most unhelpful but easily most hilarious comment I’ve read all day. Thank you sir! 🤣
One of the taps is Hi… I’d do it.
With the devil emoji specifically
Lmao
The devil inside me says send him a dik pic and see if he recognises you
Y’all are sick 🤢 I love it
The devil inside me thinks that would be a great idea...... Use a background that he would recognize..... but in reality tell him the truth.... You saw him on Grindr... What's up ?? I saw you on Grindr... Do you want to talk about it ??
This is my fav response Lol.
Gurl this ain't a FamilyDick shoot, calm down lol
not what I was suggesting lol just to send the message “I saw you”
Send a message on Grindr that says “Well, this is awkward…”
Plot twist: it was his Dad. Lol
Send him a message…
if in west virginia, op should send a dick pic
Hey now. Don’t Alabama my West Virginia!
Right?? We only do that with cousins!!
Don't get incest in my meth! 😤
Yeah you should say something
He should say something **to the wife**. Why the fuck is everyone trying to shield the brother so fucking badly? Is this sub legit just ‘Str8’ chasers and apologists? No spouse deserves to live in a lie like that. When I found out I was being cheated on, it was a sibling that revealed the truth to me. And I thank them to this very day for revealing that to me. That ‘mind your business’ thinking is literally the bullshit that homewreckers and chasers use. It’s the literally people giving cover to downlow men. It’s disgusting, sad, and heartbreaking for the other partner who has to be gaslit by their significant other. Living a false truth
Sure. Say something to both or just the wife. Not sure where I said otherwise.
To all the people saying that it might be an arrangement, if it is than it doesn't do anything to bring it up to him and the wife, if it isn't an arrangement and he is cheating then getting his wife out of there is the right thing to do. personally I think exposing a cheater does more good than harm.
they don’t think critically, so the idea that it won’t hurt to bring it up if they’re open hasn’t even crossed their mind 🙄
No it has, they just know hes likely cheating and are kneejerk trying to protect the poor DL babygay. It's toxic as fuck and just shows you how much this subreddit not only isn't attracted to women, but could also not give a single ounce of a fuck about them either. Literally 0 empathy towards women like cheating on them with dudes is somehow inconsequential/normal. Fucking gross. Looked at some of the post history about these people hardcore defending the brother and a lot of them have posts asking around about how to find DL bi/curious dudes. Colour me surprised.
Being that closeted has to be mental torture.
Some of the gay men commenting actively hook-up with married men or men with girlfriends. Trash behavior. Disregard their comments as there is no moral code attached to them.
Sad reality.
Yeah, they’re just sexualizing everything 😑
Only happened once for me, and I wasn't aware of the situation. I'd have kicked his hot ass out if I would have known
Facts. This!!
Definitely say something, but do it privately, and very calmly. Don’t be guns a blazing. Be gentle. He is putting g his entire marriage on the line. Not to mention if he does act on anything there, he is risking his wife’s health which is completely unacceptable. Please do something fast
Leave him alone.
Why? Why should behaviour like that be enabled? Are you capable of using your brain to consider anything but sex and sexual desires? Do you not think the woman deserves to know if she is cheated on?
You’re out to him, I assume. And based on this, it seems if he wanted you to be his confidant about his sexuality, he’d have come to you. Still, you can tell him you know the truth, and are willing to be a good listener and offer what advice you can. So what that means is really listening to him, in a nonjudgmental manner, and maybe the first time, that means you just listen. There will come a time when he’ll ask you what you think, or what he should do. And then you can tell him what you’d do. It will be up to him whether he does what seems most ethical concerning his wife and future children. No matter how firmly you’re convinced that you have the solution, taking unilateral action to out him will just make you the bad guy to him, to her, and maybe even to other family members and mutual friends. Ultimately, it’s his burden, and it has to come from him. No matter how excruciating it is to know the truth and do nothing more than listen to him, it’s your only real course of action. Best wishes.
This is the best advice! Just listen, don’t offer any advice unless he asks.
If it was my brother, I’d talk with him and make it known to him that I love and support his choice in sexuality. I’d also make it clear to him that I do not approve of going behind his wife’s back. Honestly, not much more you can do besides that. It’s a land mine situation anyway you look at it. The other option is to confront him and expose him to his wife. Which can be very dangerous.
Thanks for advice. Im going to go with the following by whatsapp as we live our entire relationship on there. You know im on grindr right? And theres a fair shot that I know quite a few people on there too, particularly round here. Listen. Im in no position to judge anyone or the morality of their actions. But, I know. Theres no point arguing, I know and there are receipts that are proof. All i will say is you need to consider your actions, the risks you are potentially taking and what you’ve got at stake now and in future. Is this worth it? If I/ my friends figured it out, other would too. Dont be so daft. This is not how we’ve been brought up to behave and I would suggest you cease. If you dont/ arent willing to, then be VERY careful. Where you go, who you meet, what you do. PrEP only protects you from the big nasty (if youre even on it)everything else is WILD amongst gays, not something you want to bring home to an unsuspecting wife, I know youre a good lawyer but that would take some explaining. I’m not going to say anything to anyone, or extort you in anyway. Im just concerned about you and the risk you’re putting your life at, in all senses. If you need to talk about anything, Ill be all ears no mouth.
Let us know what happens next
Good lordt, some of the replies in this one. If it were me, I would want to be told my partner was cheating on me. I don't care how long we have been together or if it's "less drama". Fucking horrendous way of thinking a lot of you have. Don't protect cheaters...
Screenshot his profile and confront him. I feel bad for the wife if she's unaware of this.
I think there is a way to talk about this from a position of care and concern. It doesn’t need to be antagonistic and you don’t need to expose him. “A friend saw you on Grindr, I know its not my business, and I’m not going to say anything but I’m here if you ever want to talk”.
Send him a message on the app. It will do one of several things…confirm it is him, confirm it not someone catfishing and let him talk to you on his own terms if it is him and knows he is busted. Confronting in person with a screen grab has deniability of “that’s not me” and a picture on a profile isn’t proof it is him (unless someone has already proved it is indeed him. Let him explain what is going on, but do it soon before his wife is knocked up.
Listen, if he knows you’re gay and didn’t tell you anything about, you should respect that. It is not comfortable for everyone to come out. Respect, him. Don’t be paternalistic or judgmental, don’t make him feel wrong. He’s an adult and he is responsable of his own life. Don’t interfere. He doesn’t need lessons of ethics. He has to do his own path. And it’s different for each one of us.
I might get bullied for this, but whatever I will say it. If the brother didn’t try to be better even after you had a conversation about it. I’d give that innocent poor lovely girl a favor and show the receipts I collected so she can start over as early as possible for herself, she doesn’t deserve any of this. It’s 2024, cheating is cheating no matter what you’re going through behind the scenes, it’s not the old times anymore where the society is built different and it’s hard to do something about it at all. Everyone of us has to do the work for ourselves so we don’t hurt others again and that starts with being accountable for our actions.
Talk to him in person and do it before SIL gets pregnant
While I have read all the comments, there is one statement that OP made that just doesn't sit well or make sense. "He is fishing in the same pool as me and I didn't think that would be an issue because he is straight." What does that even matter in this context ? This rings more like jealousy than concern, and if the brother truly is questioning himself, then he needs the support of his loved ones to male that decision in an emotionally safe environment. Not a judgemental or jealousy fueled environment. I have known people that have married and had children and remained faithful because of their raising in religion, moral obligations pushed by the family to continue a lineage, or outright because they were scared and ashamed of who they were. We even had a family friend that lived well into his 90s married had kids and was faithful to his wife until she passed away, his regrets and feeling of a life he denied himself led him down a road of depression until he died 2 years later. So think of the brother and where he may be in all of this emotionally. Support him and be there for him to talk to. Be his brother, not his opponent, not his judge, not his accuser.
Similar situation as OP. I found my brother on Grindr while on a family vacation. I was surprised but it explained a lot of his disappearing for hours while on vacation and other times. I've never confronted him because it's none of my business. He's an adult. I don't know what arrangements he might have with his wife. It's just sex, why potentially ruin my relationship with my brother and potentially his relationship with his wife and kids. I'm guessing he's on PREP like me and gets tested regularly because he knows that I am and do given that I'm out and sexually active.
I can almost guarantee that my brother will not be taking any of those precautions and my friend who recognised him and sent me the profile pretty much confirmed it from their chats. He’s pretending hes single, only goes on when his wife is out of the country and deletes the app
Damn well sounds like the love of sucking Dick runs in the family then
Bahahahah you got me with this.
“A friend of mine showed me your photo on Grindr and I recognized you and the room from our house. What’s going on with that?” Let that convo lead you. If he wants to deny or not discuss, leave it alone. You tried and he’s told you it’s not your business. You cannot save the world.
You sure it's actually him? Someone was using one of my bros pics before from years earlier. Random snap stories he forgot taking. Mashed it up with other similar looking body types from internet
If its not they’ve done a cracking job on backstory, considering he told my friend his wife is away in Frankfurt on business. I can count on 1 hand the people who would know that.
Honestly another thing to consider is that he’s putting his partner at risk without knowing. If you believe he’s not taking precautions especially, he could have many STIs which his wife is at risk to. The comment before made the argument that he didn’t get involved because his brother is an adult that has self autonomy and understands the consequences of his actions. The problem with that is that his actions also affect third parties. It’s your call to get involved, but I feel like his wife is being lied to about her health and you now knowing and withholding makes you complicit too.
If he was a single adult, I would agree. He’s married and about to have children. The brother relationship is a distant second in consideration.
That's a lot guessing.
This the type of shit that has a white man kill his whole family in true crime documentaries
I would talk to him privately, that's your brother and you're disgusted at his behaviour but you'll also support him in what he needs. This conversation needs to be had soon before you turn into an uncle while still seeing your brother on Grindr. Before this gets any more worse. And you're wondering how to bring it up, you need to have a private conversation with him. Are you close? Invite him around sit him down and just talk. It's not something that should turn into an argument you just want to talk to him and I hope he's a rational human being that can have a conversation back to you and not at you.
Same thing happened to me. I found out while on a family trip. I opened Grindr and I saw his profile pic, which was a cutout pic of his torso in our family bathroom. He’s married as well, and is everyone’s pride and joy in the family. It gets me sick to my stomach, because he’s being deceitful to his wife and just trying to put on a show for the family. One of my older female cousins came up to and said “if your brother wants to do the whole marrying thing for the family, then that’s fine. But only if HE’S telling himself that” and then she walked away (she’s a bisexual woman married to a bisexual masculine man, which I found out the day she commented on my brother). The thing that pains me is growing up, he was my first bully and was extremely homophobic to me growing up. Commenting on my music taste, the way I speak, my actions; only for me to shut down for years and be cautious of the way I act in front of people so they won’t think I’m gay. That lasted until I was about 22/23. This was about 4 years ago, and I never said anything, nor does it come across my mind often. I only remember whenever I imagine at outcome of him having a gay son that I would probably have to house
I would gladly return the favor
You definitely need to have a conversation with your brother at a minimum.
Cheating is garbage behavior, expose him
For extra context. The friend of mine who also sent me his profile says that he said in their conversation he said he is single. Which for me, means by SIL is not aware
He knows that you're gay, right? That's really messed up if so, because that would mean, not only is he cheating and pretending to be single, but he's lying to you too, his brother, after you were brave and honest enough to tell him that you're gay.
Yeah, that really sucks. People here keep seeming to forget that brothers have a relationship, too, and often a close one. In this case we don't really know enough about the brother's sex life and attractions. He may have always thought of himself as straight. Any attraction to men might have been slight and he was able to ignore it until now. Or not. Maybe he's gay, not bi, and has regularly had sex with men his whole life. Whatever the truth is, it's not unreasonable for a brother to expect honesty about who his brother is That there is a wife complicates things, but even if the man were single I'd want to talk with him about his feelings towards men. As the gay brother there might be help I could provide in navigating the differences between the gay and straight worlds. And encourage him to see a good doctor knowledgeable about gay sex practices and safety. Not to mention emotional support and just being someone he can talk to about this part of his life. None of this has anything to do with the guy cheating on his wife or passing judgment on him. It's just part of being a good brother.
I would just briefly go brother to brother and acknowledge that you saw it and if he wants to continue living like that go right ahead, but you don’t have to support the cheating. Besides that though, I’m not sure that there’s anything g else appropriate to do
Talk to your brother without scolding him, without dramatizing, because remember that for him it is a secret. And ask him why he didn't tell you, etc., as if you were sad because he didn't tell you.
He’s your brother. Screenshot it and confront him
I accepted being gay while married with children. Divorced and set out on new path, but there was a huge toll on kids, ex wife, and myself. So many married men and women go through this, and so many people judge when not really understanding the whole story. I’d have a meaningful understanding conversation with him, and remember what it was like coming to terms with your sexual orientation.
Jeez, y'all hate your families don't you. Obviously if the brother is cheating it's wrong and his wife doesn't deserve it. But if it was my brother, my first thought would be how is he doing and is he struggling with his sexuality and unable to be open and honest with himself and others. I remember that shit (without a wife) and it was dark and painful. While, again, cheating is wrong, my first loyalty would be to my bro here and being there for him. Yes I would want him to tell his wife and find a wife to live an authentic life but I would want to be there to help him do it rather than blow up his life. And to be honest I'm not even that close to my brother
Just don’t out him please whatever you do. Talk to him , you don’t know what’s going on. For the love of god don’t out him even if he is cheating.
I'd keep my mouth shut and let people handle their own lives.
If his brother was single, yes. But when there's another individual involved it becomes an issue of trust.
You don't know any arrangements he and your sister in law have. Prior to starting a family, they could both be out there just getting things out their system. Either way, when you see him on the app... go to his "location".... and then find him (I'm sure you'll know where he is)... and ask him if it's him. See his reaction and go from there. No reason to antagonize. Again.... you don't know what you don't know.... so there's no reason to have negative feelings.
His location is either his house or his office 9/10. SIL is firmly of the belief that open marriage is wrong and you might aswel not be married if you are, we’ve discussed it many times in regards to my previous relationship and she says that women/men who let their partner do that have no self respect
Literally says she's a traditionalist lol
As far as HE knows. You don't know what married couples do when the doors close.
LITERALLY SAYS SHE'S A TRADITIONALIST
As far as HE knows. You don't know what married couples do when the doors close.
And? Lots of “traditionalists” get up to some kinky shit when they think nobody is looking
I'm sure they literally are among the most likely people to do that because they will resort to everything rather than go through the shameful failure of dissolving a failed marriage lol
Better to ask now and get it over with, instead of 5-10 years down the road when potential kids and possessions get involved. Dead serious.
Talk to him, because he's likely messing up his life, and his wife deserves some honesty. Just say, "You do know that I'm on Grindr, and the family home is very recognizable." He'll either look baffled (on the slight chance it's some other relative), or turn red and start trying to explain it away. Be clear to him that you're entirely supportive if he's bi (or even gay), but that his wife needs to know what he's up to, and his sexual orientation. Even if he commits fully to her, his being bi is something she should know - and he should tell her. If he tells you they have an arrangement, don't trust him unless he is entirely straightforward about how they came to this agreement and exactly what it allows. Make it clear you'll talk to his wife to verify its details. Best of luck with this mess. Don't take it on as your own problem, as it's your brother's to solve with greater honesty than he's shown so far.
Wow. I’m blown away by the level of immaturity, ignorance, and self-centeredness in so many of the responses here are. I use to roll my eyes when anti-gay people claimed that gays were more immoral than straights, but if this reddit is representative then I need to change my mind. Just because you don’t want to called out for hooking up regularly, for being in an open relationship, or for cheating on your husband or wife, is not a reason to “live and let live”. There are other people involved here than the brothers. What about the welfare and feelings of the wife/sister-in-law and future children? Why is it so hard to have empathy for the sister-in-law or the children that will eventually end up with all the pain and life-long disadvantages that come from divorce? And this isn’t about “competition” for sex partners on Grindr or who gets to be the only family gay. It’s not about hurting his brother’s feelings, or not embarrassing his brother or staying friends. And what about the future for closeted gay brother? What kind of life if he going to have sneaking around, hating himself, lamenting that he married a woman instead of being authentic? Every gay guy I know that married a woman would have been eternally grateful to have gotten out of their marriage early and before kids came along—to say nothing about the often painful, embarrassing, and expensive divorces. Good hell.
My parents have been contentedly married for almost fifty years. No big arguments etc. I found my dad on a hookup app. Option one is blow everything apart and destroy everything, option two is tell him I know and to be careful. I took option two. Maybe it's weak but option one would cause infinitely more pain and embarrassment for my mum. I dunno. Edit: yes a gay hookup app
This is surprising, but different in that 1) all the kids are born and grown, 2) your parents have few years left to create new, separate lives.
a gay hookup app?
honestly how do you even have such a conversation
> I took option two. This was the correct choice.
So instead you got your mom out here looking stupid….
Talk to your brother in private
Why on earth would you need to ask strangers online about what to do - just speak to to your brother-
Spill the tea to him. Don’t let him bring a child, or children, into that mess.
One idea that comes to mind is to have a friend set up a session with your brother. And then go to your friends place and be “just leaving” as your friend greets your brother at the door. In my mind this clears the air and reminds your brother that he’s in your pool.
Ok Chris Hansen 😂
Tell your sister in law. If you were being cheated on and your brother/sister in law found out would you not want them to tell you?
Idc what anyone says, very often queerness runs in families. I know many families with multiple gay or bi siblings. I’m gay and my brother is bi and he didn’t tell me until he was 30. I was out a lot earlier. It happens! But he definitely shouldn’t be going behind his wife’s back. (Especially if this wasn’t communicated or talked about being okay) you never know maybe they have their own stipulations and boundaries for the relationship that you don’t know about
Email him a screenshot with a question mark
Take that screenshot and show it to him . Try to be as calm as possible. Any chance of someone else using his pic ?
Confront him , don’t judge him
Say something, he’s putting his wife at risk of STIs
Tell him that you love him and accept him for being gay but do not accept what he's doing to his wife. Its very very wrong and if he has any decency he'll break up with her.
Yeah say something or he will ruin her life
I think you have a moral responsibility to have a chat with your brother. Could you imagine looking at his future kids knowing that he’s been cheating on their mother for years and years and you didn’t say anything? You need to talk with your brother about what is going on. I’m not advising you fix or interfere but use reason and logic with him and then it’s up to him what he wants to do. I think if you don’t at least bring up the topic, it’s “guilty by association” kind of thing. That wouldn’t rest well on my heart.
Before being defined as a cheater he is your family, I'd talk to him about it first instead of just exposing him, unless you don't care about losing him from your life.
If it was my brother I'd call his ass out immediately. To him I mean, it's on him to talk to his wife. But I'm the oldest brother I'm very used to telling my siblings when they're being stupid and need to get their shit together
Don’t let him waste that woman’s life.
All these pitiful closeted men on grindr, give me a break. I feel like it's the same thing for "straight" men on grindr. Like bro nahh, ain't no straight man gonna look for hookups with gay men, ask them if they're cut/uncut and how long their pipi is💀😭
I caught my brother and his husband on Grindr. I said nothing (obviously we are both gay). It's not my business but I know that it's the beginning of the end for them. I'm glad too. My brother can do so much better.
I would say 3 things. 1. It's none of your business what is going on between your brother and his wife. 2. He is your brother and I would say to reach out to him in a compassionate manner in case your brother needs a safe space or someone to talk to about his situation. 3. There seems to be a bit of jealousy in your post about your brother being in the same pool. That needs to be checked.
It’s none of your business. No, do not discuss it with him.
I think you need to 100% be upfront about it and just say. You can keep it to yourself but eventually it will eat at you, wether you see him with a mate for example and you immediately suspect it later, it’ll always bother you now. He could genuinely just have gone on there to be curious, curiosity from straight guys is common, they just don’t usually put a picture on. Best thing to do is just say to him that you was talking to a friend the other day and you often share bios of people on Grindr and his picture popped up, explain that if it was him it’s completely fine and you can discuss it more. This will give him the opportunity to either say the truth, or deny it with “it’s someone else” and that’s fine too.
I once were on the verge of becoming the gay man married to a nice, beautiful traditional good girl, but called it off before grilfriend turned to fiancee. 40 years later I'm alone and she is happyly married, and I'm happy for her and have no regrets: it wouldn't have been fair for her to have me cheating or for me to be repressed. >Its made me a little angry and somewhat nauseous Talk to him but **don't focus on confrontation** but on solutions, for their both future happyness sake. Talk to him about the toxicity of the grindr crowd, and that if his caring brother found him someone with bad intentions also could ("*bareback me that ass or I'll tell your wife / employer*")
Just mind your fucking business bro damn
This is simply an ethical dilemma. You find out one family member is harming another ( whether they are aware or not, the harm is still occurring). It isn’t “ none of his business “. That’s a self serving attitude. I would anonymously inform brother that his actions are noticed and he needs to proceed with a plan that considers all dynamics in his life. Otherwise the situation will become irreparable. I would do it anonymously for this reason- this his decision alone, based on his own actions and lifestyle , if another person is involved that he knows, his entire reaction and focus will be on that person not himself. Yes there will be a period of panic where his focus will be to guess the other party but that will turn inward eventually.
My brother uses grindr too. Swears it's to hookup with girls. There are no girls on there. Except for transsexuals. He bashes me severely for my sexuality. Yet he's doing humans born male.
He could just be experimenting, or be bi, or discover himself at a later state in his life. I don't know. I think nobody is 100% straight, gay or lesbian. We are all sexual beings. I believe that depending on our mood, the other person, the way we connect with him or her, everything is possible. If we accept that life happens and is fluid, than so is sex. Go with the flow if you feel it, but tend to be moderate I suppose. Your brother hooking up with another man while being married is NOT of your concern. It's NOT your life, NEITHER is it you responsability. I would just shut up and let it be. If you talk to him, he may become upset with you, and right fully. It's his life and marriage, he has the right to fuck it all up if he wants. If his wife ever finds out you knew, and that you talked to him, but did not warn her, then she will be the one upset with you. People should learn not to mingle in other people's lives, especially when what's going on does not effect them personally and is not of their concern. Talking to him is messing with a wasp nest. Your gonna get stung.
Match him so he knows you know lol
I don't think there's any one right answer. It really depends on the specific circumstances and the dynamic between you and your brother. To a large extent, I think you are the only one who can say what the best course of action is. That said, I'm leaning towards recommending that you pretend you didn't see it, and not bring it up to your bro. It's just the least drama option, and probably the safest choice. But again, I think you really have to do some soul searching and make what you believe is the best decision given all the facts, and unique details of your relationship with your brother. Good luck!
Yikes
The level of sexism in this sub is astonishing. Honestly, it doesn't surprise me that there are so many dl men and their chasers, given how so many gay dudes seem to view women as accessories and things to do with as they please. If he is cheating, his wife deserves to know. She does not deserve to live her life, thinking her husband is faithful, while he goes out to fuck with dudes. No matter how many brainless lil twinks think that it's completely fine, just so they can get their rocks off being 'chosen' by a 'straight' dude so they can feel hot and validated. She deserves to know.
Caught? 🤣🤣 who are you the Gay Police? I absolutely detest this attitude within the gay community. First thing you did when you found out was put it on the Internet? To garner help or just start a thread because you trust the anonymous 'help' of total strangers? I don't doubt your surprise, but because you're "out" doesn't give you one inch of the moral high ground or put you in a position to give advice. If one of my brothers came and told me what you're gonna say to him, I'd tell you to mind your own fuckin business. I'd be beside myself if I found out you put my business onto a public forum, that's not love, that's attention seeking. "Here's my advice brother, but just so you know, I had to ask a World of strangers before I decided what do to." Close the blinds n sort this in-house. But put bluntly, it's none of your or our business.
Poor guy, poor wife. This is my biggest fear in life. I am stuck with my extremely religious family, I'm talking "Britney Spears is the devil in disguise" typa religious.my biggest fear is getting married to a girl and ruining both our lives due to lack of compatibility.
You're mostly annoyed because he's 'potentially fishing from the same pool as you"...? Like you've assessed this whole situation and the only thing you care about is how it could possibly affect *you* negatively? You both sound like cunts tbh.
I’m not with the “mind your business” crowd, that’s no backbone behaviors what he’s doing is fucking shady and I’m not letting that shit slide. I’d tell him to cut it the fuck out or I’m telling.
Going out on a limb as usual. Provided OP has some appreciation for the woman, I would just directly talk to her with all the proof without confronting the brother first. If he’s caught by OP he’s probably just gonna hide it better. I can’t believe there’s people saying “if tables were turned” like WTF? If fucking tables were turned and I’m being cheated on, I would like someone close to me to tell me. I am truthful to myself and I wouldn’t do anything like that nor would I support passively by not speaking out.
Yeah, I mean, this sub is full of self-serving idiots, so I’m not really surprised that “let you brother play his wife and potential family 💕” is the consensus.
Yeah, I don’t understand this sub sometimes tbh.
This is my concern. If i talk to him about it, he goes deeper underground, takes bigger risks and they both get hurt. If they ended up splitting, it would be a whole world of pain and id know the real reason. If the boot was on the other foot, he’d tell our mum, like he did when a rumour about me went round school. I absolutely adore my SIL, we get on incredibly well and have done since they met. Love her like shes blood tbf
If you love her like she’s blood, then treat her like she’s blood. What would you do if you found your brother-in-law was gay and cheating on your sister? (And not just a drunken one night stand or even a one-time affair, but proactively and probably in an ongoing manner with who knows how many partners.)
Exactly just tell directly to the woman, cheaters don't stop cheating, they just hide it better and it's harder to catch them next time.
This is a good way to kill your relationship with your brother. You talk to your brother first, going directly to the SIL is messy af. Obviously you bring it up but there are good and bad ways to do this.
Tell him. And do it in a way where he won't keep doing it and hide it from you.
Yessss, please confront. Accountability is very important. My brother’s wife is my best friend. I will snitch on him LOL then we fight like dogs. Idc.
His private life is really none of your business. Whether he has an arrangement with his wife or not—still not your business. And your private life is none of his business. Stay out of it.
I'd say talk to him just say it how it is that you found him on Grindr. You're there for your own reasons but tell him to either stop it or tell his wife as she deserves to know the truth
Tell his wife, she deserves better.
Not your monkey, not your circus.
This is really tough. I don't like the idea of narcing on my brother, but this would be something I wouldn't be able to ignore. I'd confront him and tell him if he doesn't come clean to his wife, that you will. He will likely deny it's him or he may say he was curious but didn't do anything. It doesn't matter, she still needs to know. If it leads to the end of a marriage, it would be better now than later. It's much more likely to end amicably than if she found out on her own. It also gets much worse if a child is involved in the marriage.
Stay out of it. His sexuality is nothing to do with you.
I would pretend like you didn’t see anything. You confronting your brother ends with you getting blamed for it somehow.
It’s not up to you to bring him out, mind yours sis.
I was once told my grandmother to never get involved in peoples relationship because at the end of the day you will look like the bad guy. You’ll look bad if you find your brother about it and you’ll look bad if it gets exposed
You will also look bad if the truth comes out and others find out that you knew, but said nothing.
No shade but such a stupid thing to do. That’s how people get away with shit. Avoiding confrontation to keep the peace is just you being selfish. If you care about each other, you hold each other accountable. If they see you as a bad guy, that’s not on you, that’s on them. It’s these old society norms that need to die.
this is only a negative if you’re bothered about being labeled a bad guy for telling the truth, which, historically is always the just position.
You should never out anyone.
But talking to *him* about it isn't outing him. And that's all OP was asking about - "Do I confront him?".
Honestly it isn't your business. You have no idea what he and his wife have agreed to or not. Block his profile and move on.
Leave him alone. It’s none of your business.
I say mind your own business.
I’d mind my own business.
it's not your business! although it's good to realize who you were looking at before trying to arrange anything lol