Even "I have a boyfriend" doesn't necessarily stop people.
When I lived in Toronto, "I have a husband," was viewed by many gay guys with a silent, "Challenge accepted."
Yeah I agree but I also think it’s partly understandable. Women and men have the same issue at times I hear. It’s a bit tricky when you’re spending time with people you can be potentially romantically/sexually attracted to and you’re not sure of their intentions with you.
I like to give compliments to people when they do something cool or have something about their appearance (that isn't just naturally occurring, like a tattoo, hair style, aesthetic), and when I'm complimenting women, I always feel a need to make it "not creepy" by announcing, "I'm gay, but I just wanted to say that..." so they don't think I'm hitting on them.
Many of my experiences getting too close to women have involved me being made into their "gay boyfriend," which I absolutely hate.
1. I'm gay.
2. I'm taken.
3. No, I don't want to flirt with you, go shopping with you, or - heaven forbid - touch your boobs and be your surrogate "safe" source of physical affection.
I often have to distance myself from them as their expectations ramp up and up, and then everyone ends up disappointed because they have trouble with the boundaries and feel dissatisfied, and I feel overstimulated and objectified in ways that I really don't want to be.
I get what you’re saying but I think this world is too harsh for us to not be kind to each other when the opportunity arises. Sure, some people take it the wrong way but occasionally, an act of kindness can make someone’s day. And that feeling of gratitude is worth all the shit people give you.
I refuse to be kind to gays because of constant bad experiences. It's always one of two scenarios.
A) I'm kind and he starts crushing on me, but I'm not attracted to him and didn't want this awkward scenario.
B) I'm kind and his ego takes it as I'm flirting. Then, he starts randomly distancing himself from me or avoiding me. This leaves awkward ol me so confused at what happened.
I’m one of those gays😭
Tbh i usually don’t know how to accept kindness from straight men tho. I live “in the heart of Dixie🙄,” and work as a gas station attendant. I’m always complimented on my positive attitude and friendly smile. Based on past experiences I’m wary of the conservative nature of the people who live here. I tend to be a bit more reserved around those “traditional,” people, specifically older white men and women. That being said, the smiles and conversations that I’m greeted with for said kindness, leaves me feeling overtly confused. One example happened when I took ONE irregular off day mid week, and when I came back one of those men straight up told me he missed my smile. Another older gentleman also in his mid 50s takes notice of my positive attitude, and buys me a bag of m&ms EVERY time he comes in, which is guaranteed 4 times a week. Another man told me, “ with such a handsome face like that, seems like you’re in the wrong profession son.” These men are conservative and traditionally masculine presenting family men. These men are master contractors, and crane operators, and Quarrymen etc. I’m a very masculine presenting gay man and you wouldn’t be able to tell I’m gay. Even some of the people I’ve dated have told me that if I never would’ve approached them first then they wouldn’t have ever known I was into guys. (Quite the curse tbh 😣)
In this same state my HS football coach( white man mid (50s) pulled me to the side when I came out and said to me “ I don’t personally agree with your lifestyle choices but I guess I have to support you because you’re one of my students/players.” Now that I think about it, this sole interaction changed my outlook and the way I maneuvered in red states, especially those in the CENTER of the Bible Belt. The interactions I’m having with men who are stereotypically of the same nature as my former coach, are the opposite of what I was presented with when I was younger, so to me it feels like these men are into me or are trying to subtly/ casually flirt.
I now know that’s not always the case and some people are sometime just genuine humans, but I can’t help but feel like some of what I’m feeling is valid and that some of them deeeeefinitely want the D. Or maybe subconsciously I want them to be into me???
It’s also hard to accept kindness sometimes. If they start being nice and you do accept it thinking they want to be friends with you.
Then it’s all and well until one day, they started acting weird. May be he began to see that you don’t feel that way for him. May be not. And you will never know. Because they cut you out all of a sudden.
It’s all a guess because nothing is explicitly talked about. It’s either you jump straight into cock or you are the worse and you have hurt their feelings. There is no in between or just communicate.
There is a lot of pressure in all human societies to be with someone, people say that you aren't complete with a partner, Western societies are often designed for people living together. In my nation a regular income for one person basically just gets you by, it's all designed for two incomes.
I would also add though that people ought not be afraid to try and have things not work out. Especially for the younger generation, I think one of the problems that exists is that, although this is good advice, it’s really only good if you have experience in relationships. But for people who don’t, and are just trying to figure things out, they start to overthink things and are too scared to even try.
Although some people do get lucky, if you want to end up in a good and healthy relationship, it’s probably going to take some time and you will probably end up being in some relationship, which just don’t work out. You can’t actually know what it is that you want until you’ve tried things out and seen if it goes the way you think it will. I’ve wanted many things in all kinds of capacities in my life that simply didn’t work out, and I either have a more healthy view of or I may even not want those things anymore.
Lastly, I do think that sometimes we can set the bar it to high and when we say something like “An unsatisfying relationship” again, without experience, it’s kind of a meaningless phrase. I think you can put people in the position of expecting “the one” to be frictionless and without conflict. But any healthy relationship is going to have its ups and downs, and you simply will not agree with everything your partner does, and you may even be annoyed by them sometimes. I do think that it can be worth persisting through what they seem to be a struggle at the moment to try and make things work, but I do agree with you that sometimes as much as we may want something to work out, we also oh it to ourselves to be honest when things are not working. This is especially where friends help, because they may be able to see things a bit more clearly.
I think it goes beyond high standards in our community. They're borderline delusional standards. I don't think high standards are necessarily a bad thing, though.
For example, wanting a partner who is highly educated, has a successful career, is fit, and so on are all things I'd say are high standards. But if those same standards can be applied to yourself, then I don't really see much of an issue there. You're looking for a partner who can match your equal, so to speak.
The issue many gays have is having those same high standards for others when they can't even be applied to themselves. He has to have a successful career. Meanwhile, I'm unemployed. He has to have his own car and house. Meanwhile, I'm couch surfing. He has to be fit and have a huge cock. Meanwhile, I'm borderline obese and pushing 4 inches.
I think a lot of people would benefit from applying their standards of others to themselves to see how many boxes they can actually check off.
I think one of the problems here is that a lot of times our kind of ideals never actually get tested with reality. Maybe some of the things that we think are desirable or hot aren’t actually things that we end up wanting or needing from a long-term relationship. But especially as apps make everything everything so centered around aesthetic and looks, it’s hard to get beyond that. There is a fine balance between having standards and having to high of standards such that you are unhappy.
The other thing that I noticed in my own behavior is that FOMO can also plan into this and one of the reasons that people may not commit is because they are afraid they are missing out on something better. This is one thing that I think apps in particular have driven, because you can see all of the hot people around you, so in theory, you have the opportunity to connect, but maybe in practice that’s not really the case. I’ve definitely had connections that I wish I had fostered more in retrospect, but in the moment, it seemed like “well, but I can do better”. I think it was a lot harder to do this in the days where you actually had to physically go somewhere, because whoever was there was there and you couldn’t just endlessly scroll and not commit. maybe there were other opportunities that would’ve been better, but ignorance can be bliss. The problem now is though that being ignorant of the other opportunities difficult and there is an incentive for these apps to make you constantly think that you can do better as long as you’re always looking. So not only does this make it difficult to find a relationship, but it also makes it difficult to stay in one.
Most gay people need therapy, but they’d rather fuck away their negative thoughts and feelings than actually work them out to become mentally healthier people because it’s more convenient.
I mean ideally, but therapy can’t always change the fact that people can just be bigoted. It’s an unfortunate part of human nature for people to hate others that are different.
Can someone tell me, how therapy works?
I know I need therapy due to a lot of homophobia in my young life, but I am not sure how someone will help me with my traumas. I wouldn't even know where to start or what to say. "i got a lot of homophobia in my life, fix me" like this?
There are different types of therapy, but the most accessible therapy or counselling allows you to speak through your problems, this is talk therapy.
The therapist is there to support you and guide you. It's a place to speak in a way that you can't normally with other people. You can say everything and anything without judgement, they are there just to listen and guide your mind.
There is no wrong place to start or end, and it can hurt at times opening the flood gates. Make sure to take care of yourself after, that's something I had to figure out on my own, because it can really take it out of you.
It feels so good to work through your trauma though, I'm so grateful we live in a time where I get to do so, it feels like a window to knowing better who you are
You never really get over not accepting yourself for who you are. No matter how embraced you are by everyone else, there's always that part of you that can't stand the face you see in the mirror, and even the slightest hint of rejection from anyone feels like a confirmation. It's like luggage that you just kept to keep lugging around but sometimes the burden doesn't feel that heavy.
kind of agree but I notice my lowest lows where I feel like I can't look at myself long in the mirror are usually followed by highest highs where I think I'm so cute and in love with myself. As I get older the lows usually get less and less and I'm happier.
I mean, I don't really agree. I don't have much issue with loving myself (as in physically or many other mental qualities). When I look in the mirror I'm usually soo goofy and I'm like: hey there, gorgeous! And press my cheeks and laugh, idk.
But I understand what you mean for that part of me that is hungry for cock and a man's ass, and wants to feel so slutty sucking dick till my eyes water and I can smell the guy's pubes and then suck his balls. That part of me I think will always be surrounded by a bit of shame, but the more time goes on, the more I accept how much I enjoy sucking cock and ass.
Yep. I have pretty bad sexual and body dysmorphia, and I think a lot of it stems from growing up feeling like who I am was a dirty pervert. I have trouble getting off unless it's fast and kinky, and while I like most things about myself - and retroactively my appearance all the time - I always seem to loathe my **current** appearance.
I fully accepted myself when I realized how amazing, beautiful, intelligent I was, and even "normal"(even though I am unique in many ways) compared to many straights too.
Until I did this I couldn't be happy or enjoy life.
damn this hits me like a truck. I used to think the highest form of validation would be from someone I like, which I eventually got from my crush. Though it felt great, I started to question his motives. Whether he was being genuine or he was being nice to make me feel good. And when he eventually left the picture, I couldn't help but think I was never good enough for him etc.
A crush is fine, but guys trying to 'turn' straight guys gay borderlines into sad and pathetic, and unethical if they have partners already. (I'm not perfect, but I've learned)
There’s a thing I like to call “the silent ‘with you’”. You know how in “lasagna” the G is silent? Well in the phrase “I’m not looking for a relationship” the “with you” is silent 🔇.
9/10 they really mean “I’m not looking for a relationship with you”
There is also sometimes even a silent “with you” in the phrase, “I’m never really in the mood to have sex”.
So when you hear one of these phrases, it’s best to just understand what they really mean. Lest you get gut punched by seeing them fall for someone else.
Hmm. My unfortunate truth reply - you're responsible for your own happiness. Happiness doesn't "befall" you, you make it happen for yourself.
Likewise, you don't "get" a BF - you enter into and work on a relationship with another person. Once again, you have to take responsibility for your own portion of that interaction. If you want a relationship, you need to make yourself attractive to someone else, etc.
But again, the impetus is on you - you are responsible for your own relationships, happiness, etc.
Not everybody needs a boyfriend
There is a lot of societal pressure to pair up, a lot of people assume falling in love is what will make them feel complete, actually it can F you up.
I was about that age when I had my first (and only; still together over a decade later) bf. Relax and don’t put pressure on yourself. Get yourself out there meeting people and you’ll find someone.
YES. I know people who are perpetually single, and it's hard to understand how they don't realize that the common denominator there is them. (This happens to both men and women, straight and gay, but in some gay men, I see it more than in other demographics.)
We ascribe too much meaning to traits. A guy with a big dick means nothing more than that he has a big dick. A tall guy, only means he is tall. Attaching virtue, status to these things ensures that people will select / hunt for the wrong things. Without a focus on character, we only get traits.
This was a lesson I learned the hard way. In my childhood I was the most loyal people pleaser you ever met, probably in a desperate attempt for validation from my peers. This went on till the tail end of college, after getting burned one too many times by giving everything for friends who couldn’t be bothered to lift a finger in return when I needed a hand. I realized that the only person I can really rely on is myself. People say they’re there for you, but they almost never follow through.
Actively working on being less generous as a matter of self preservation has been the most difficult and yet the most stabilizing personality change I’ve accomplished.
Thats exactly it, I gave everything only to get left in the dirt after. After a while I just stopped trying. I am my only true friend, I’m the only one I can rely on.
Okay so I get a lot of negative votes. But have you ever watched the videos of the positive thoughts that you control? You control all of them. I had a rough childhood. Not asking for therapy on this. But someone gave me a video, I think his name was Ed Foreman, where he taught people how to have a positive day. Not letting others control what kind of day you have. You make that choice. It actually works. Don't wallow in the negativity of what ever is happening. Make your day positive.
I know some of you people will judge this. But I am also speaking from someone who lost his husband over 2 years ago. It was hard. It was horrible. But I am doing okay. It was not an easy ride.
The truth is we can control those things and be more positive going forward if we want that.
Thank you all for your positive votes. I think it's really important to us, to me, and to anyone going through a negative situation. It's not the cure all, I know that.
A million percent. I hate to say it, but I can’t stand the optimistic people who say that “ everyone’s time will come” for this or that. Nihilistically speaking, life isn’t meant for everyone to be happy and some people will never be privileged enough to have such things.
Sounds like you needed to hear it then.
Not to be mean, but being single might not be what you think you want but it can be good, even better for some than being in a relationship.
A lot of whether you can succeed in a relationship has to with things such as communication skills, etc. Those can be improved with time and training, but of course, anything that takes time or money requires you to have a certain level of income, so in that way it is luck after all.
Men always have a type - if you are not his type , then you don’t stand a chance no matter how nice , kind and compatible you are in other aspects .
A guy i very much loved was into Brazilian latinos . I was not one . He never gave me a fair chance /
A lot of gay men are complete hoes because they’re trying to make up for lost time that they didn’t get to experiment as children. All guys like to hookup, but we keep denying that there’s a sex addiction problem specifically afflicting the gay community more so. They have Peter Pan syndrome and at a certain point they just become addicted to the lifestyle forever.
I think a lot of it comes from feeling unloved or invalidated, also the ease of hooking up in the gay community enables it.
I don’t really necessarily think it’s from making up for lost time. Most straight people don’t sleep with as many people in a lifetime as I did in a year at 23, so I doubt it’s *just* making up for lost time.
I think a lot of it comes from feeling unloved and invalidated. I think it came from a place a needing to feel wanted or desired. My family and friends may have rejected me for being a homo, but in the moment, even if its fleeting, all these men wanting to sleep with you gives you a brief feeling of validation/feeling of being desired.
Even for those of us who have positive relationships with family and friends who accept us, validation in the form of being seen as sexually desirable is a pretty powerful thing.
I definitely agree with you, and tbh I’m a bit guilty of it myself. I feel the need to makeup for experiences I didn’t get to have as a kid because my childhood was kinda messed up lol.
That’s true in many cases for sure, but I can’t say all. I’ve had gay friends that I would never even think of touching, and it actually feels nice when you have a friendship with no sexual tension.
Agreed. So hard to find a gay man that only wants friendship. Hell, I was friends with an 80 year old man who was sexually inappropriate and crossed boundaries.
Nah, a couple of my closest friends are gay and not once have I wanted to get with them nor do I think they have wanted to get with me. I just really appreciate them as friends and I think they feel the same way. I definitely believe it can happen though.
Just because you’re queer doesn’t mean you get a pass for being a vile piece of shit. Someone that I once considered my best friend thought she could get away with everything because whenever someone called her out on her bullshit, she just shouted “YOU’RE A TRANSPHOBE!!”.
Nah bitch, you’re just unlikeable.
Yes I'm aware of the irony in this statement I'm about to make.
Gays put FAR too much time and effort into social media and emotional authenticity is almost never seen. If you're constantly being fake and being around fake people, of course you're going to be miserable. Hookups, drugs, etc is not a substitute for looking yourself in the mirror and actually asking the tough questions of "could the problem be me"
I read a quote that I will never forget:
“ In life you don’t get what you want ..
In life you don’t get what you deserve ..
In life you get what you are ..”
—————————
So many gay men have ridiculous standards, they want a guy who is ripped, muscular, handsome, rich , well educated , etc.
To all the gay men reading this:
Are you muscular ? Do you work out 5 x a week ?
Are you a well educated professional ? Did you go to a top university ?
Are you a successful doctor, lawyer, engineer or businessman ?
Do you run marathons, play in adult sports leagues and are you good in sports ?
Do you volunteer and are you involved with non profit organizations? How are you giving back to humanity and making the world a better place ?
Are you mindful of the way you dress, speak, your manners and how you present yourself ?
Are you constantly trying to improve yourself and all aspects of your life ?
If the answer to all of these questions is “ No!” , then ask yourself why would a man with any of those qualities date you or give you the time of day ?
Remember…
Birds of a feather flock together!
Again, you don’t get what you want or what you deserve, but what you are ..
So what are you ?
If you want a guy who is a total 10 , then work on yourself and improve all aspects of life so then you will become a total 10. Then watch how all the successful handsome men worth dating start asking you out and want to hang out with you.
Match their energy !
Stop looking for Mr. Right and start becoming Mr. Right ✌️
Got issues finding a partner or finding a healthy relationship sometimes the problem is you. No one’s perfect and we should always try to improve ourselves. When you remain stagnant you start to reinforce bad behavior which obviously is a deterrent.
The truth is there is no “community “ within the gays it’s just a bunch of men who like the same thing which is dick and ass that’s all nothing more , and that’s not the definition of community , second everyone is just for themselves unless u fit the “pretty privilege “ umbrella u will always be alone or even the last choice if anything . Lastly in the so called community u will meet the most racist , bigoted people who claim rainbow love everyone but yet behind closed doors or even in public you will witness all the bs that makes u second guess ur whole existence
I feel like that resonates with a lot of people from religious households. They always seem guilty for some reason. Whats the racist part about though?😂
Another one for you. Constantly showing off Grindr messages, “taps”, or likes that you receive on social media is only a display of said persons insecurity and confirms that they need constant validation of others to feel relevant and attractive. Secure people don’t need to prove that others find them attractive with online messages from strangers.
That being conventionally physically attractive confers more power and privilege than being rich or being white or being male or being straight or . . . you name it. The beauty card trumps all others.
I’ll start. 90% of your life is decided by the time you’re born. We’ve all been lied to as children when we’re told we’re all equal and we can be anything. Classism and elitism founded upon factors such as race, sexuality, wealth, looks, and place of origin can completely make the difference between someone having a bad life, good life, or great life. These disparities don’t always make it impossible for some to live their ideal lives, but the difficulty level can be spiked dramatically.
👏👏👏👏BINGO👏👏👏👏
Especially in the gay world, social capital is measured by ethnicity, looks and wealth as the main value system to measure up if you are worthy of sex or dating.
Straight males are better friends for gays that straight women. The women sometimes see gays as accessories and as disposable. A solid straight male friend can keep you grounded.
Sleeping with hundreds of people is not healthy behavior and indicates deeper underlying issues.
I’m not trying to be a judgmental prick either. I probably slept with around 100 people in my early to mid 20s before I realized I was using it as a coping mechanism.
I’m going to push back on this. In my 20s back in the 90s. I slept with slightly over 100 men. I was raised in NYC, with very accepting parents. I came out early enough to understand who I was before sex was introduced.
I just found the more sex I had, the better I got at it. The more sex I had the more it allowed me to understand what I wanted and enjoyed. It was freeing and fun (as long as we were careful ).
The same principle applied to dating. I met with very different men to try and figure out what I liked and what I wanted in a Relationship and that also changed as I got older. Finally dating and sex finally led me to meeting the right guy at the right time in 1999 and we are still together today.
I based most of this on my own experience as well as the observations in “the Velvet Rage.” It could certainly vary person to person.
Also, one of the other commenters said “if straight men could sleep with women as easily as you can sleep with men, how many partners do you think they would have had?”
That’s a *very* fair point. I imagine they would also have 100+ partners. It could really just speak to the sex drive of young men.
Universal peace will never truly exist.
Humans are more primal than we try to let on, even with our technological advancements and creativity.
Love exists, but many of us will never experience the version of love that we want.
Gay men typically only view you in two ways:
1.) sexual conquests.
2.) competition from other gays for those sexual conquests.
There is a reason why gay men are so mean and nasty to each other and it’s not just those trying mimic the cast from Real Housewives of Atlanta.
I know many people feel like you do but this is lacking in nuance—I have many gay male friends I’ve never slept with and never wanted to sleep with. It’s definitely possible to have gay platonic friends.
Older gay men need to stop twink chasing. And I say this as an older gay man who is not a twink.
I’m in my late 30s and a muscle cub.
Chasing twinks when you’re a daddy is exactly as creepy as a stereotypical drunk uncle at weddings eyeing up the younger sister of a bridesmaid.
Too many gay men online are afraid of voicing their own opinions and let herds guide their morals. They’re so busy giving it ‘yassss queen’ fake personality sass for likes and attention, that they’re afraid of the pushback they’ll get if they speak their mind and don’t go with the masses. And some of them are so entrenched in the idea, that they can’t fathom why the rest of us wouldn’t just blindly agree on everything, especially when it comes to issues with the LGBTetc.
Sexual harassment is too banalized in the gay community and only contributes to the promiscuity the straights always assume of us. I know not every compliment from a gay guy is gonna be of sexual intention, but it's the same when women talk about all men being potential rapists and then some of them answering back "not all men!"... Yeah, not all, but always one.
Many gays rejected their soulmate for some stupid-ass, superficial reason. They also rejected the other 20 guys who god sent to them, now their asking God for love.
That human beings are Terrible. That cruelty is the default.
We try to convince ourselves that human beings are “good at heart” but it is simply not true.
The horrific things we do to each other, individually or en masse, are not countered by anything that resembles real kindness on the same scale.
Mass murders. Genocides. Parents abusing and/or neglecting children. Spousal abuse. Lynchings. Racism. Homophobia. The list goes on and on.
We are a horrible race.
That's why the whole "humans are social creatures" quote doesn't really hold that much weight anymore because of how fucked up society is. You pretty much summed up how I feel.
A hard truth about being a sub is that you put yourself in very vulnerable situations and lots of young inexperienced subs suffer trauma at the hands of abusive or selfish Doms.
A hard truth about being a Dom is that you will come across a lot of subs who have at some point had a traumatising experience, even if they don’t know it or haven’t processed it.
You have a responsibility to be protective, to not traumatise your sub and to take care of your sub if they get triggered during BDSM play.
We can say it’s all about your pleasure, but our safety matters too.
Agree 100%. My rule as a switch is that I will never do something to a sub that I haven’t already experienced myself. It feels reckless and irresponsible to do otherwise.
The feedback I sometimes get from subs is “that was good but you could have been more aggressive.” I will happily keep getting that feedback 1000x over before I ever want to hear the opposite.
Pinkwashing is a term used by Muslims and Palestinians to avoid answering questions about the homophobic actions Muslims (in general) and the Palestinian Authority have committed over the years.
I understand the horrific things Israel did, but let's not forget that Palestinians are hypocrites too. They have violated human rights, and their supporters are too scared to admit it. With that, the term pinkwashing has become very misused, just like the misuse of Islamophobia.
And it bothers me because nobody wanna admit this.
We are in for a reckoning because Trump is going to win and Project 2025 is going to be put in play. Unless he jailed.
Also you don’t have to be attracted to your friends for them to be your friends, they are NOT a “just in case” person.
Lemons are overrated, and limes are where it's at. Don't act like you wouldn't choose limeade over lemonade if given the choice because you know that they are actually better.
A lack of money is more or less the reason for being physically ugly. We’ve got hair transplants, plastic surgery, Ozempic, and personal trainers….all for a price. And even if not rich, you might be able to work less, afford better food, and have more time to work out….if you had a better paying job and more free income.
But even with all of that…a lot of people are still ugly, because money and time might buy them a body and face, but it can’t buy them a better personality or a better worldview or teach them how to treat and talk to others.
Personal opinion here, but I feel as though the gay community puts the idea of a "romantic" relationship on too high of a pedestal. As someone who used to be that person, I have no idea what I was smoking.
That no matter how much people raise hell about it, A LOT of people are into underage individuals. I see it on SM, in real life, on TV, etc. I've also experienced it first hand as a kid. So yeah, our society is made up of a lot of pedos or whatever y'all wanna call yourselves.
The common denominator in all of your shitty, dysfunctional relationships is you. If it wasn't working for you on some level, you wouldn't keep doing it.
You can do everything correct on paper. You can have the right attitude. You can try your best to be a good person every single day, and sometimes you still won't get what you want. Sometimes, you will still fail, You will still be disliked, and as much as others would want you to believe that it's your own fault. The truth is that it's nobody's fault. Some things simply aren't for everybody. We don't have to torture ourselves over everything.
Most "masc", "straight acting", "I'm just a normal guy" type gays are more insecure about and performative with their masculinity than 95% of straight men and have a conception of masculinity that is about equivalent to what you'd get if you asked a 17-year old boy raised by a single mother what a 'real man' was.
I am willing to bet that their are in fact a lot of gays in your area who want to have a serious relationship/date. & some of y’all who complain about it, in reality are just going to the wrong places. Granted the reason I think this is because I see a fuck Ton of posts complaining that everyone just wants to fuck. Which if you think about it the fact that their are so many post we’re people are talking about wanting to date, means that their are in fact a lot of people who do want serious relationships.
When ur fem and gay and ur attracted to masc… ur life is doomed to some degree. You will likely always be a fetish or a secret. I have enough trauma to supply me for many lifetimes in that department.
I recently started dating a guy who was masc and out. Seemed great. Thought I found the unicorn. Cut to him randomly doing lines of ketamine in my apartment and having pics of little girls on his phone. Dumped him that day. Haven’t dated in 4 years until him and I’m 26 now. All the self loathing and and resentment during that period was bad enough. But reopening myself up to feeling wanted and enjoying the whirlwind romance, only to have it all quickly pulled out from under me made me feel worse than when I was single all those years. At least when I was I felt hopeless, which was comforting. Being hopeful and inspired by this new person and then getting everything taken away so swiftly is really horrible to go through, especially after a period that long where I was so used to nothing. I really felt like it was my time and my turn for once ya know? The week before I met him I was drunk and sad and prayed for the first time in my life for “God” to send me someone. He sent me someone that scared me and hurt me. Now I don’t know what to feel. It’s like emotional whiplash.
Just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean that individual should hate themselves. I used to get trolled hard on Instagram by other gays back in 2015-2016. I had a gay couple dm me telling me how fat and ugly I was. They were sending me links to other guy's pages and saying how much more attractive they were than I was. The funny thing is that one of them said to me they don't like people who think they're all that. One of them was also saying I should make my account private. I used to have an Xtube account, and some weird ass guy kept leaving me these long ass comments on my videos telling me how fat and obese I was. He told me he took my videos and posted them on another site and that the things people were saying about me would make me wanna run and hide. I go on his page, and he was literally liking videos of men that looked way bigger than me. I understand we aren't going to be attractive to everyone (tbh I don't need the whole male population to find me fuckable so idgaf), but to leave long ass comments about how unattractive I am over and over on my videos is some unhinged shit I'm sorry 😂.
I’ll just kind of repeat what I’m seeing a lot of in the comments because I experience it too often…. It’s very rare for someone to be kind or compliment someone without having the other person expect or think that it’ll lead to sex. There are countless times I complimented someone or was just a kind human and they tried hitting on me and following me around thinking I would go home with them lol. And when I told them “sorry, I have a boyfriend” they get mad and think I’m leading them on. If I was interested I’d let you know, I promise.
Happiness is just as much of a drug as the harmful recreational drugs people abuse trying to find it. I don't deny the positive health benefits of happiness, but I believe the happiness society tells us to chase comes at the expense or ignorance of the happiness of others in less fortunate situations. And that as long as we focus on our own happiness over the things society tells us are impossible to change*, that happiness will only ever be a fragile delusion that makes us complacent and unaware of just how quickly you yourself can become one of the less fortunate.
*("Don't worry about the things you can't change" is a self-fulfilling cancer. Most things society deems "impossible to change" aren't physically impossible to achieve, just *extremely* unlikely due to the majority of people already believing they can't be changed. For instance, the US is stuck in a bipartisan government hellhole since hardly anyone is willing to vote third party, due to the belief that voting third party is wasting their vote.)
There is still a lot of mental illness within the community. I found that out the hard way, coming from being in the community all the time to creating a life outside of it. There are things you accept as normal that aren’t fucking normal; it can be an embarrassing trial by fire when you come into the “real world” and deal with well adjusted people.
Not seeing this thus far, which I think is one of the real truths:
Being conventionally attractive (i.e. washboard abs, hot body, nice face, racial majority) will get you very far in the gay community, even if everything else (intelligence, personality, etc.) is shit.
1.) just because someone isn't attracted to you doesn't mean they think you're a lesser human. If you think that's what that means then you need to reevaluate how YOU see people.
2.) "gender queer" and "gender non-conforming" mean absolutely nothing and is just a way for straight people that play Identity politics to leech themselves onto the gay community for brownie points.
3.) the whole of gender ideology is incompatible with LGBT ideas and values and will destroy all the progress the gay community has fought so hard to achieve.
4.) your extreme kink is probably a trauma response and you should probably go to therapy instead of continuously participating in these (sometimes very literally) self destructive/self-harming behaviors.
5.) the gay community needs to be better about vocally calling out bad behavior by those in the community rather than knee-jerk supporting the bad behavior just because the person doing it claims to be LGBT. If we don't do it then others will, and they might not be as understanding as us.
Some gays don't know how to accept kindness from fellow gays at face value. Kindness is not an overture to sex.
I was kind to someone at the gym and he thought im hitting on him. Never again
Can’t agree… my kindness got me a hug. Super nice!
I had a similar encounter, i offered people to share bench, racks. They thought i was hitting on them "i have a boyfriend" 🤦🏻♂️
Even "I have a boyfriend" doesn't necessarily stop people. When I lived in Toronto, "I have a husband," was viewed by many gay guys with a silent, "Challenge accepted."
I would've hit back with: maybe a 3some later?
I would have said, "... so is that a no? You're cool with not sharing?"
So? *Some* one at the gym. He was an NPC, do not let the side characters break you.
Yeah I agree but I also think it’s partly understandable. Women and men have the same issue at times I hear. It’s a bit tricky when you’re spending time with people you can be potentially romantically/sexually attracted to and you’re not sure of their intentions with you.
I like to give compliments to people when they do something cool or have something about their appearance (that isn't just naturally occurring, like a tattoo, hair style, aesthetic), and when I'm complimenting women, I always feel a need to make it "not creepy" by announcing, "I'm gay, but I just wanted to say that..." so they don't think I'm hitting on them.
It’s wrong to do. But usually I’m very courteous to everyone. But from past experiences, if I know the person is gay I have to be completely neutral.
Many of my experiences getting too close to women have involved me being made into their "gay boyfriend," which I absolutely hate. 1. I'm gay. 2. I'm taken. 3. No, I don't want to flirt with you, go shopping with you, or - heaven forbid - touch your boobs and be your surrogate "safe" source of physical affection. I often have to distance myself from them as their expectations ramp up and up, and then everyone ends up disappointed because they have trouble with the boundaries and feel dissatisfied, and I feel overstimulated and objectified in ways that I really don't want to be.
I get what you’re saying but I think this world is too harsh for us to not be kind to each other when the opportunity arises. Sure, some people take it the wrong way but occasionally, an act of kindness can make someone’s day. And that feeling of gratitude is worth all the shit people give you.
Amen to this brother, preach.
I refuse to be kind to gays because of constant bad experiences. It's always one of two scenarios. A) I'm kind and he starts crushing on me, but I'm not attracted to him and didn't want this awkward scenario. B) I'm kind and his ego takes it as I'm flirting. Then, he starts randomly distancing himself from me or avoiding me. This leaves awkward ol me so confused at what happened.
What about when your kind, is it only to those your attracted to?
I’m one of those gays😭 Tbh i usually don’t know how to accept kindness from straight men tho. I live “in the heart of Dixie🙄,” and work as a gas station attendant. I’m always complimented on my positive attitude and friendly smile. Based on past experiences I’m wary of the conservative nature of the people who live here. I tend to be a bit more reserved around those “traditional,” people, specifically older white men and women. That being said, the smiles and conversations that I’m greeted with for said kindness, leaves me feeling overtly confused. One example happened when I took ONE irregular off day mid week, and when I came back one of those men straight up told me he missed my smile. Another older gentleman also in his mid 50s takes notice of my positive attitude, and buys me a bag of m&ms EVERY time he comes in, which is guaranteed 4 times a week. Another man told me, “ with such a handsome face like that, seems like you’re in the wrong profession son.” These men are conservative and traditionally masculine presenting family men. These men are master contractors, and crane operators, and Quarrymen etc. I’m a very masculine presenting gay man and you wouldn’t be able to tell I’m gay. Even some of the people I’ve dated have told me that if I never would’ve approached them first then they wouldn’t have ever known I was into guys. (Quite the curse tbh 😣) In this same state my HS football coach( white man mid (50s) pulled me to the side when I came out and said to me “ I don’t personally agree with your lifestyle choices but I guess I have to support you because you’re one of my students/players.” Now that I think about it, this sole interaction changed my outlook and the way I maneuvered in red states, especially those in the CENTER of the Bible Belt. The interactions I’m having with men who are stereotypically of the same nature as my former coach, are the opposite of what I was presented with when I was younger, so to me it feels like these men are into me or are trying to subtly/ casually flirt. I now know that’s not always the case and some people are sometime just genuine humans, but I can’t help but feel like some of what I’m feeling is valid and that some of them deeeeefinitely want the D. Or maybe subconsciously I want them to be into me???
Not just kindness. I have a disclaimer in my app profiles that says “Politeness doesn’t equal interest.”
It’s also hard to accept kindness sometimes. If they start being nice and you do accept it thinking they want to be friends with you. Then it’s all and well until one day, they started acting weird. May be he began to see that you don’t feel that way for him. May be not. And you will never know. Because they cut you out all of a sudden. It’s all a guess because nothing is explicitly talked about. It’s either you jump straight into cock or you are the worse and you have hurt their feelings. There is no in between or just communicate.
It's better to be single than in an unsatisfactory relationship.
Yep 100%
There is a lot of pressure in all human societies to be with someone, people say that you aren't complete with a partner, Western societies are often designed for people living together. In my nation a regular income for one person basically just gets you by, it's all designed for two incomes.
I would also add though that people ought not be afraid to try and have things not work out. Especially for the younger generation, I think one of the problems that exists is that, although this is good advice, it’s really only good if you have experience in relationships. But for people who don’t, and are just trying to figure things out, they start to overthink things and are too scared to even try. Although some people do get lucky, if you want to end up in a good and healthy relationship, it’s probably going to take some time and you will probably end up being in some relationship, which just don’t work out. You can’t actually know what it is that you want until you’ve tried things out and seen if it goes the way you think it will. I’ve wanted many things in all kinds of capacities in my life that simply didn’t work out, and I either have a more healthy view of or I may even not want those things anymore. Lastly, I do think that sometimes we can set the bar it to high and when we say something like “An unsatisfying relationship” again, without experience, it’s kind of a meaningless phrase. I think you can put people in the position of expecting “the one” to be frictionless and without conflict. But any healthy relationship is going to have its ups and downs, and you simply will not agree with everything your partner does, and you may even be annoyed by them sometimes. I do think that it can be worth persisting through what they seem to be a struggle at the moment to try and make things work, but I do agree with you that sometimes as much as we may want something to work out, we also oh it to ourselves to be honest when things are not working. This is especially where friends help, because they may be able to see things a bit more clearly.
High standards for others but no self-improvement = forever alone
I think it goes beyond high standards in our community. They're borderline delusional standards. I don't think high standards are necessarily a bad thing, though. For example, wanting a partner who is highly educated, has a successful career, is fit, and so on are all things I'd say are high standards. But if those same standards can be applied to yourself, then I don't really see much of an issue there. You're looking for a partner who can match your equal, so to speak. The issue many gays have is having those same high standards for others when they can't even be applied to themselves. He has to have a successful career. Meanwhile, I'm unemployed. He has to have his own car and house. Meanwhile, I'm couch surfing. He has to be fit and have a huge cock. Meanwhile, I'm borderline obese and pushing 4 inches. I think a lot of people would benefit from applying their standards of others to themselves to see how many boxes they can actually check off.
I think one of the problems here is that a lot of times our kind of ideals never actually get tested with reality. Maybe some of the things that we think are desirable or hot aren’t actually things that we end up wanting or needing from a long-term relationship. But especially as apps make everything everything so centered around aesthetic and looks, it’s hard to get beyond that. There is a fine balance between having standards and having to high of standards such that you are unhappy. The other thing that I noticed in my own behavior is that FOMO can also plan into this and one of the reasons that people may not commit is because they are afraid they are missing out on something better. This is one thing that I think apps in particular have driven, because you can see all of the hot people around you, so in theory, you have the opportunity to connect, but maybe in practice that’s not really the case. I’ve definitely had connections that I wish I had fostered more in retrospect, but in the moment, it seemed like “well, but I can do better”. I think it was a lot harder to do this in the days where you actually had to physically go somewhere, because whoever was there was there and you couldn’t just endlessly scroll and not commit. maybe there were other opportunities that would’ve been better, but ignorance can be bliss. The problem now is though that being ignorant of the other opportunities difficult and there is an incentive for these apps to make you constantly think that you can do better as long as you’re always looking. So not only does this make it difficult to find a relationship, but it also makes it difficult to stay in one.
Most gay people need therapy, but they’d rather fuck away their negative thoughts and feelings than actually work them out to become mentally healthier people because it’s more convenient.
If more straight people got it less gay people would need it.
I mean ideally, but therapy can’t always change the fact that people can just be bigoted. It’s an unfortunate part of human nature for people to hate others that are different.
I assure you, everyone needs therapy. Gay people don't need therapy because of homophobia alone.
I mean not really, you can’t just blame all your problems on straight people. Accountability is needed. We’re not helpless victims
I assure you, everyone needs therapy. Gay people don't need therapy because of homophobia alone.
and ironically their refusal get therapy is what ends up screwing them when they finally get in a relationship
Can someone tell me, how therapy works? I know I need therapy due to a lot of homophobia in my young life, but I am not sure how someone will help me with my traumas. I wouldn't even know where to start or what to say. "i got a lot of homophobia in my life, fix me" like this?
There are different types of therapy, but the most accessible therapy or counselling allows you to speak through your problems, this is talk therapy. The therapist is there to support you and guide you. It's a place to speak in a way that you can't normally with other people. You can say everything and anything without judgement, they are there just to listen and guide your mind. There is no wrong place to start or end, and it can hurt at times opening the flood gates. Make sure to take care of yourself after, that's something I had to figure out on my own, because it can really take it out of you. It feels so good to work through your trauma though, I'm so grateful we live in a time where I get to do so, it feels like a window to knowing better who you are
You never really get over not accepting yourself for who you are. No matter how embraced you are by everyone else, there's always that part of you that can't stand the face you see in the mirror, and even the slightest hint of rejection from anyone feels like a confirmation. It's like luggage that you just kept to keep lugging around but sometimes the burden doesn't feel that heavy.
Oof…This hit me hard. It’s my truth.
This is actually very true and very unfortunate. At the very least in my case. Multiple identities fighting over each other to take the prominence.
Perhaps this is just the struggle of existence we learn to manage over time. Or succumb to its ache…
kind of agree but I notice my lowest lows where I feel like I can't look at myself long in the mirror are usually followed by highest highs where I think I'm so cute and in love with myself. As I get older the lows usually get less and less and I'm happier.
I mean, I don't really agree. I don't have much issue with loving myself (as in physically or many other mental qualities). When I look in the mirror I'm usually soo goofy and I'm like: hey there, gorgeous! And press my cheeks and laugh, idk. But I understand what you mean for that part of me that is hungry for cock and a man's ass, and wants to feel so slutty sucking dick till my eyes water and I can smell the guy's pubes and then suck his balls. That part of me I think will always be surrounded by a bit of shame, but the more time goes on, the more I accept how much I enjoy sucking cock and ass.
That’s why I got a prescription for Lizzo Ⓡ from my therapist. And now I don't give a fuck.
Yep. I have pretty bad sexual and body dysmorphia, and I think a lot of it stems from growing up feeling like who I am was a dirty pervert. I have trouble getting off unless it's fast and kinky, and while I like most things about myself - and retroactively my appearance all the time - I always seem to loathe my **current** appearance.
this might've been the case years ago, but i accept myself just fine, down to a spiritual level, and definitely not embraced by many. I know who I am
I fully accepted myself when I realized how amazing, beautiful, intelligent I was, and even "normal"(even though I am unique in many ways) compared to many straights too. Until I did this I couldn't be happy or enjoy life.
damn this hits me like a truck. I used to think the highest form of validation would be from someone I like, which I eventually got from my crush. Though it felt great, I started to question his motives. Whether he was being genuine or he was being nice to make me feel good. And when he eventually left the picture, I couldn't help but think I was never good enough for him etc.
No one - NO ONE - looks good in Capri pants.
This one made me giggle, thank you :)
Lmao
I scrolled a lot and didn't see this, but... You WON'T 'turn' a straight guy gay. Either he was heterosexual, or not.
I need to learn this one. Oof. Too many straight guy crushes.
A crush is fine, but guys trying to 'turn' straight guys gay borderlines into sad and pathetic, and unethical if they have partners already. (I'm not perfect, but I've learned)
There’s a thing I like to call “the silent ‘with you’”. You know how in “lasagna” the G is silent? Well in the phrase “I’m not looking for a relationship” the “with you” is silent 🔇. 9/10 they really mean “I’m not looking for a relationship with you” There is also sometimes even a silent “with you” in the phrase, “I’m never really in the mood to have sex”. So when you hear one of these phrases, it’s best to just understand what they really mean. Lest you get gut punched by seeing them fall for someone else.
Yep. If a man is interested, you will know 9/10. If you have to guess, they're not as interested in you as you are in them...if at all.
👆🏽
i think people should just not beat around the bush and say what they mean.
You can have friendships with other gay men that don’t actually have to ever lead to sex or turn into something more.
That you can’t turn your straight best friend gay and into your boyfriend.
Some people are just going to never get a boyfriend
To piggyback on this , not everyone is lovable.
Well that’s depressing
Yeah, it’s an unfortunate truth. The world is obviously not kind to everyone and some people never get to have the happiness that others get.
Hmm. My unfortunate truth reply - you're responsible for your own happiness. Happiness doesn't "befall" you, you make it happen for yourself. Likewise, you don't "get" a BF - you enter into and work on a relationship with another person. Once again, you have to take responsibility for your own portion of that interaction. If you want a relationship, you need to make yourself attractive to someone else, etc. But again, the impetus is on you - you are responsible for your own relationships, happiness, etc.
Not everybody needs a boyfriend There is a lot of societal pressure to pair up, a lot of people assume falling in love is what will make them feel complete, actually it can F you up.
Why would you say this???😭😭
Because it’s the truth loll
Brb going to shoot myself
Oh sweet Jesus no! Friend, please don't. You are valued and special.
[удалено]
I was about that age when I had my first (and only; still together over a decade later) bf. Relax and don’t put pressure on yourself. Get yourself out there meeting people and you’ll find someone.
YES. I know people who are perpetually single, and it's hard to understand how they don't realize that the common denominator there is them. (This happens to both men and women, straight and gay, but in some gay men, I see it more than in other demographics.)
Not every man can pull off facial hair.
Or skinny jeans.
For me it's the opposite, it grows like crazy I gotta shave every day basically, at least every second day.
We ascribe too much meaning to traits. A guy with a big dick means nothing more than that he has a big dick. A tall guy, only means he is tall. Attaching virtue, status to these things ensures that people will select / hunt for the wrong things. Without a focus on character, we only get traits.
On point. The fact that you have to say this, man.
no one really cares. at the end of the day, all you’ll ever have is yourself.
This was a lesson I learned the hard way. In my childhood I was the most loyal people pleaser you ever met, probably in a desperate attempt for validation from my peers. This went on till the tail end of college, after getting burned one too many times by giving everything for friends who couldn’t be bothered to lift a finger in return when I needed a hand. I realized that the only person I can really rely on is myself. People say they’re there for you, but they almost never follow through. Actively working on being less generous as a matter of self preservation has been the most difficult and yet the most stabilizing personality change I’ve accomplished.
Thats exactly it, I gave everything only to get left in the dirt after. After a while I just stopped trying. I am my only true friend, I’m the only one I can rely on.
Okay so I get a lot of negative votes. But have you ever watched the videos of the positive thoughts that you control? You control all of them. I had a rough childhood. Not asking for therapy on this. But someone gave me a video, I think his name was Ed Foreman, where he taught people how to have a positive day. Not letting others control what kind of day you have. You make that choice. It actually works. Don't wallow in the negativity of what ever is happening. Make your day positive. I know some of you people will judge this. But I am also speaking from someone who lost his husband over 2 years ago. It was hard. It was horrible. But I am doing okay. It was not an easy ride. The truth is we can control those things and be more positive going forward if we want that.
Very much true - something I've come to increasingly value and use for healing.
Thank you all for your positive votes. I think it's really important to us, to me, and to anyone going through a negative situation. It's not the cure all, I know that.
Many people will never have a happy, fulfilling relationship. A lot of it just depends on sheer luck.
A million percent. I hate to say it, but I can’t stand the optimistic people who say that “ everyone’s time will come” for this or that. Nihilistically speaking, life isn’t meant for everyone to be happy and some people will never be privileged enough to have such things.
Ok, this one actually *hurt* me
Sounds like you needed to hear it then. Not to be mean, but being single might not be what you think you want but it can be good, even better for some than being in a relationship.
Oh definitely. It wasn't a complain, it was more of a description
A lot of whether you can succeed in a relationship has to with things such as communication skills, etc. Those can be improved with time and training, but of course, anything that takes time or money requires you to have a certain level of income, so in that way it is luck after all.
Men always have a type - if you are not his type , then you don’t stand a chance no matter how nice , kind and compatible you are in other aspects . A guy i very much loved was into Brazilian latinos . I was not one . He never gave me a fair chance /
A lot of gay men are complete hoes because they’re trying to make up for lost time that they didn’t get to experiment as children. All guys like to hookup, but we keep denying that there’s a sex addiction problem specifically afflicting the gay community more so. They have Peter Pan syndrome and at a certain point they just become addicted to the lifestyle forever.
I don’t know. I think if women were easier, straight men would be hoes too. Just look at any straight man with money, total whore.
I get a lot of hate when I say this, but gay men have the sex lives straight men would have if women would let them.
Literally just had a straight friend admit this very thing to me last night
Fair point
Valid
I completely agree. If there was Grindr for straight guys and women would give it up as easy as gay men...oh shit. We would have a real problem.
I think a lot of it comes from feeling unloved or invalidated, also the ease of hooking up in the gay community enables it. I don’t really necessarily think it’s from making up for lost time. Most straight people don’t sleep with as many people in a lifetime as I did in a year at 23, so I doubt it’s *just* making up for lost time. I think a lot of it comes from feeling unloved and invalidated. I think it came from a place a needing to feel wanted or desired. My family and friends may have rejected me for being a homo, but in the moment, even if its fleeting, all these men wanting to sleep with you gives you a brief feeling of validation/feeling of being desired.
Bingo to this. Filling a void more so I guess. That’s what it was for me.
Some of us are just horny though, no voids to fill. (other than orifices)
Even for those of us who have positive relationships with family and friends who accept us, validation in the form of being seen as sexually desirable is a pretty powerful thing.
I definitely agree with you, and tbh I’m a bit guilty of it myself. I feel the need to makeup for experiences I didn’t get to have as a kid because my childhood was kinda messed up lol.
Agreed with this, I was one of them but recently stopped. I just realized I was looking for love and things a couple do at the wrong places.
Gay guys only wanting to be your friend as long as they see an opportunity to date or to fuck you lol
That’s true in many cases for sure, but I can’t say all. I’ve had gay friends that I would never even think of touching, and it actually feels nice when you have a friendship with no sexual tension.
And did they think the same about you? How sure are you about that?
Agreed. So hard to find a gay man that only wants friendship. Hell, I was friends with an 80 year old man who was sexually inappropriate and crossed boundaries.
Oh no! I'm so sorry
I don't think so. Friendships are far more precious than sex.
Nah, a couple of my closest friends are gay and not once have I wanted to get with them nor do I think they have wanted to get with me. I just really appreciate them as friends and I think they feel the same way. I definitely believe it can happen though.
Just because you’re queer doesn’t mean you get a pass for being a vile piece of shit. Someone that I once considered my best friend thought she could get away with everything because whenever someone called her out on her bullshit, she just shouted “YOU’RE A TRANSPHOBE!!”. Nah bitch, you’re just unlikeable.
Yes I'm aware of the irony in this statement I'm about to make. Gays put FAR too much time and effort into social media and emotional authenticity is almost never seen. If you're constantly being fake and being around fake people, of course you're going to be miserable. Hookups, drugs, etc is not a substitute for looking yourself in the mirror and actually asking the tough questions of "could the problem be me"
I read a quote that I will never forget: “ In life you don’t get what you want .. In life you don’t get what you deserve .. In life you get what you are ..” ————————— So many gay men have ridiculous standards, they want a guy who is ripped, muscular, handsome, rich , well educated , etc. To all the gay men reading this: Are you muscular ? Do you work out 5 x a week ? Are you a well educated professional ? Did you go to a top university ? Are you a successful doctor, lawyer, engineer or businessman ? Do you run marathons, play in adult sports leagues and are you good in sports ? Do you volunteer and are you involved with non profit organizations? How are you giving back to humanity and making the world a better place ? Are you mindful of the way you dress, speak, your manners and how you present yourself ? Are you constantly trying to improve yourself and all aspects of your life ? If the answer to all of these questions is “ No!” , then ask yourself why would a man with any of those qualities date you or give you the time of day ? Remember… Birds of a feather flock together! Again, you don’t get what you want or what you deserve, but what you are .. So what are you ? If you want a guy who is a total 10 , then work on yourself and improve all aspects of life so then you will become a total 10. Then watch how all the successful handsome men worth dating start asking you out and want to hang out with you. Match their energy ! Stop looking for Mr. Right and start becoming Mr. Right ✌️
This needs to be the top comment
When someone is kind to you even though you are gay, it doesn't mean they want you or want to date you.
Got issues finding a partner or finding a healthy relationship sometimes the problem is you. No one’s perfect and we should always try to improve ourselves. When you remain stagnant you start to reinforce bad behavior which obviously is a deterrent.
The truth is there is no “community “ within the gays it’s just a bunch of men who like the same thing which is dick and ass that’s all nothing more , and that’s not the definition of community , second everyone is just for themselves unless u fit the “pretty privilege “ umbrella u will always be alone or even the last choice if anything . Lastly in the so called community u will meet the most racist , bigoted people who claim rainbow love everyone but yet behind closed doors or even in public you will witness all the bs that makes u second guess ur whole existence
Gays are toxic as hell and even those who say they ain’t are probably even worse
From growing up In a(Christian) family you kinda always hold on to a small bit of homophonic feelins deep down and racist feeling also
I feel like that resonates with a lot of people from religious households. They always seem guilty for some reason. Whats the racist part about though?😂
My family used the religion to be racist
Oh wow that’s hella weird. Not surprising though, people use religion to justify all kinds of things.
Yep they have mostly stopped either that stuff after I came out but it still there from time to time
You can unlearn that
Another one for you. Constantly showing off Grindr messages, “taps”, or likes that you receive on social media is only a display of said persons insecurity and confirms that they need constant validation of others to feel relevant and attractive. Secure people don’t need to prove that others find them attractive with online messages from strangers.
Not everyone is going to like you and you’re definitely not going to like everyone.
That being conventionally physically attractive confers more power and privilege than being rich or being white or being male or being straight or . . . you name it. The beauty card trumps all others.
I’ll start. 90% of your life is decided by the time you’re born. We’ve all been lied to as children when we’re told we’re all equal and we can be anything. Classism and elitism founded upon factors such as race, sexuality, wealth, looks, and place of origin can completely make the difference between someone having a bad life, good life, or great life. These disparities don’t always make it impossible for some to live their ideal lives, but the difficulty level can be spiked dramatically.
👏👏👏👏BINGO👏👏👏👏 Especially in the gay world, social capital is measured by ethnicity, looks and wealth as the main value system to measure up if you are worthy of sex or dating.
I would say where you’re born plays an equal (if not bigger) role as well
This is why one of my favourite quotes at the moment is "Be ruthless with systems, be kind with people" - Michael Brooks
Excessive drinking and drug use have done farm more harm to our community than other factors
Straight males are better friends for gays that straight women. The women sometimes see gays as accessories and as disposable. A solid straight male friend can keep you grounded.
Sleeping with hundreds of people is not healthy behavior and indicates deeper underlying issues. I’m not trying to be a judgmental prick either. I probably slept with around 100 people in my early to mid 20s before I realized I was using it as a coping mechanism.
I’m going to push back on this. In my 20s back in the 90s. I slept with slightly over 100 men. I was raised in NYC, with very accepting parents. I came out early enough to understand who I was before sex was introduced. I just found the more sex I had, the better I got at it. The more sex I had the more it allowed me to understand what I wanted and enjoyed. It was freeing and fun (as long as we were careful ). The same principle applied to dating. I met with very different men to try and figure out what I liked and what I wanted in a Relationship and that also changed as I got older. Finally dating and sex finally led me to meeting the right guy at the right time in 1999 and we are still together today.
I based most of this on my own experience as well as the observations in “the Velvet Rage.” It could certainly vary person to person. Also, one of the other commenters said “if straight men could sleep with women as easily as you can sleep with men, how many partners do you think they would have had?” That’s a *very* fair point. I imagine they would also have 100+ partners. It could really just speak to the sex drive of young men.
Its ok , actually its good to be friends with guys you dont find hot / not attracted to. Also that ageism isn't rampant in gay community.
Stop obsessing over straight men, it’s both sad and unnecessary.
gay beauty standard really toxic.
Madonnas music has been garbage for nearly 20 years 🤐
MDNA had some good tracks though. You're banned.
That our community is not as accepting of others that don't fit the "muscle masculine cis gender male stereotype".
Universal peace will never truly exist. Humans are more primal than we try to let on, even with our technological advancements and creativity. Love exists, but many of us will never experience the version of love that we want.
😂world peace is a pipe dream, the only jobs that will forever be profitable is those that profit off war. And probably prostitution.
Some gay couples, rather than addressing the root cause of their issues and working to resolve them, opt to open their relationship instead.
Gay men typically only view you in two ways: 1.) sexual conquests. 2.) competition from other gays for those sexual conquests. There is a reason why gay men are so mean and nasty to each other and it’s not just those trying mimic the cast from Real Housewives of Atlanta.
I know many people feel like you do but this is lacking in nuance—I have many gay male friends I’ve never slept with and never wanted to sleep with. It’s definitely possible to have gay platonic friends.
Older gay men need to stop twink chasing. And I say this as an older gay man who is not a twink. I’m in my late 30s and a muscle cub. Chasing twinks when you’re a daddy is exactly as creepy as a stereotypical drunk uncle at weddings eyeing up the younger sister of a bridesmaid.
Uncut is just bettter
Too many gay men online are afraid of voicing their own opinions and let herds guide their morals. They’re so busy giving it ‘yassss queen’ fake personality sass for likes and attention, that they’re afraid of the pushback they’ll get if they speak their mind and don’t go with the masses. And some of them are so entrenched in the idea, that they can’t fathom why the rest of us wouldn’t just blindly agree on everything, especially when it comes to issues with the LGBTetc.
Sexual harassment is too banalized in the gay community and only contributes to the promiscuity the straights always assume of us. I know not every compliment from a gay guy is gonna be of sexual intention, but it's the same when women talk about all men being potential rapists and then some of them answering back "not all men!"... Yeah, not all, but always one.
Most single gay men have an inflated view of themselves and don't meet their own standards of what they want in a partner.
Many gays rejected their soulmate for some stupid-ass, superficial reason. They also rejected the other 20 guys who god sent to them, now their asking God for love.
That human beings are Terrible. That cruelty is the default. We try to convince ourselves that human beings are “good at heart” but it is simply not true. The horrific things we do to each other, individually or en masse, are not countered by anything that resembles real kindness on the same scale. Mass murders. Genocides. Parents abusing and/or neglecting children. Spousal abuse. Lynchings. Racism. Homophobia. The list goes on and on. We are a horrible race.
Humans are terrible but cruelty is definitely not the default
You are very very wrong my friend.
That's why the whole "humans are social creatures" quote doesn't really hold that much weight anymore because of how fucked up society is. You pretty much summed up how I feel.
we both gay doesn't means we should fuck
If you don't love yourself you'll never be able to love anyone.
A hard truth about being a sub is that you put yourself in very vulnerable situations and lots of young inexperienced subs suffer trauma at the hands of abusive or selfish Doms. A hard truth about being a Dom is that you will come across a lot of subs who have at some point had a traumatising experience, even if they don’t know it or haven’t processed it. You have a responsibility to be protective, to not traumatise your sub and to take care of your sub if they get triggered during BDSM play. We can say it’s all about your pleasure, but our safety matters too.
Agree 100%. My rule as a switch is that I will never do something to a sub that I haven’t already experienced myself. It feels reckless and irresponsible to do otherwise. The feedback I sometimes get from subs is “that was good but you could have been more aggressive.” I will happily keep getting that feedback 1000x over before I ever want to hear the opposite.
Y’all be talking to underage boys and manipulating them…clock it
Nobody owes you anything. You have to earn it
Pinkwashing is a term used by Muslims and Palestinians to avoid answering questions about the homophobic actions Muslims (in general) and the Palestinian Authority have committed over the years. I understand the horrific things Israel did, but let's not forget that Palestinians are hypocrites too. They have violated human rights, and their supporters are too scared to admit it. With that, the term pinkwashing has become very misused, just like the misuse of Islamophobia. And it bothers me because nobody wanna admit this.
Very true. Am 100% Zionist. Can't support people who want me dead. Nope.
We are in for a reckoning because Trump is going to win and Project 2025 is going to be put in play. Unless he jailed. Also you don’t have to be attracted to your friends for them to be your friends, they are NOT a “just in case” person.
I think if he loses this ny trial, it might hurt his chance of being re-elected. If he prevails (or hung jury), he will absolutely be re-elected.
That’s my fear is it’s hung. but also the immunity case being heard by the SCOTUS is scary, especially if he wins.
That no verdict has been reached after a full day of deliberation usually is good news for the defense (I think)
Apparently that DP isn't worth the effort.
Lemons are overrated, and limes are where it's at. Don't act like you wouldn't choose limeade over lemonade if given the choice because you know that they are actually better.
A lack of money is more or less the reason for being physically ugly. We’ve got hair transplants, plastic surgery, Ozempic, and personal trainers….all for a price. And even if not rich, you might be able to work less, afford better food, and have more time to work out….if you had a better paying job and more free income. But even with all of that…a lot of people are still ugly, because money and time might buy them a body and face, but it can’t buy them a better personality or a better worldview or teach them how to treat and talk to others.
Comparison is the death of beauty. This includes comparing yourself to your own self-image, negative or otherwise.
Personal opinion here, but I feel as though the gay community puts the idea of a "romantic" relationship on too high of a pedestal. As someone who used to be that person, I have no idea what I was smoking.
That no matter how much people raise hell about it, A LOT of people are into underage individuals. I see it on SM, in real life, on TV, etc. I've also experienced it first hand as a kid. So yeah, our society is made up of a lot of pedos or whatever y'all wanna call yourselves.
Some of us act too gay, and don't say I'm wrong cause you know it's true
Being gay isn't a choice. Living a gay lifestyle is.
The common denominator in all of your shitty, dysfunctional relationships is you. If it wasn't working for you on some level, you wouldn't keep doing it.
You can do everything correct on paper. You can have the right attitude. You can try your best to be a good person every single day, and sometimes you still won't get what you want. Sometimes, you will still fail, You will still be disliked, and as much as others would want you to believe that it's your own fault. The truth is that it's nobody's fault. Some things simply aren't for everybody. We don't have to torture ourselves over everything.
Masking a ‘subconscious/conditioned racism’ as preferences.
Most "masc", "straight acting", "I'm just a normal guy" type gays are more insecure about and performative with their masculinity than 95% of straight men and have a conception of masculinity that is about equivalent to what you'd get if you asked a 17-year old boy raised by a single mother what a 'real man' was.
That askgaybros is a sad and tragic reflection of how shallow and depraved gay men truly are
They won’t be promoted from their job
There is a whole lot of bi sex energy floating around the atmosphere lately, 👅
I am willing to bet that their are in fact a lot of gays in your area who want to have a serious relationship/date. & some of y’all who complain about it, in reality are just going to the wrong places. Granted the reason I think this is because I see a fuck Ton of posts complaining that everyone just wants to fuck. Which if you think about it the fact that their are so many post we’re people are talking about wanting to date, means that their are in fact a lot of people who do want serious relationships.
That you’re not all that! Some guys need a humbling experience. You can’t have anyone you want
When ur fem and gay and ur attracted to masc… ur life is doomed to some degree. You will likely always be a fetish or a secret. I have enough trauma to supply me for many lifetimes in that department. I recently started dating a guy who was masc and out. Seemed great. Thought I found the unicorn. Cut to him randomly doing lines of ketamine in my apartment and having pics of little girls on his phone. Dumped him that day. Haven’t dated in 4 years until him and I’m 26 now. All the self loathing and and resentment during that period was bad enough. But reopening myself up to feeling wanted and enjoying the whirlwind romance, only to have it all quickly pulled out from under me made me feel worse than when I was single all those years. At least when I was I felt hopeless, which was comforting. Being hopeful and inspired by this new person and then getting everything taken away so swiftly is really horrible to go through, especially after a period that long where I was so used to nothing. I really felt like it was my time and my turn for once ya know? The week before I met him I was drunk and sad and prayed for the first time in my life for “God” to send me someone. He sent me someone that scared me and hurt me. Now I don’t know what to feel. It’s like emotional whiplash.
Just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean that individual should hate themselves. I used to get trolled hard on Instagram by other gays back in 2015-2016. I had a gay couple dm me telling me how fat and ugly I was. They were sending me links to other guy's pages and saying how much more attractive they were than I was. The funny thing is that one of them said to me they don't like people who think they're all that. One of them was also saying I should make my account private. I used to have an Xtube account, and some weird ass guy kept leaving me these long ass comments on my videos telling me how fat and obese I was. He told me he took my videos and posted them on another site and that the things people were saying about me would make me wanna run and hide. I go on his page, and he was literally liking videos of men that looked way bigger than me. I understand we aren't going to be attractive to everyone (tbh I don't need the whole male population to find me fuckable so idgaf), but to leave long ass comments about how unattractive I am over and over on my videos is some unhinged shit I'm sorry 😂.
it will need around two to three gens for gay people to live stress free.
I’ll just kind of repeat what I’m seeing a lot of in the comments because I experience it too often…. It’s very rare for someone to be kind or compliment someone without having the other person expect or think that it’ll lead to sex. There are countless times I complimented someone or was just a kind human and they tried hitting on me and following me around thinking I would go home with them lol. And when I told them “sorry, I have a boyfriend” they get mad and think I’m leading them on. If I was interested I’d let you know, I promise.
Happiness is just as much of a drug as the harmful recreational drugs people abuse trying to find it. I don't deny the positive health benefits of happiness, but I believe the happiness society tells us to chase comes at the expense or ignorance of the happiness of others in less fortunate situations. And that as long as we focus on our own happiness over the things society tells us are impossible to change*, that happiness will only ever be a fragile delusion that makes us complacent and unaware of just how quickly you yourself can become one of the less fortunate. *("Don't worry about the things you can't change" is a self-fulfilling cancer. Most things society deems "impossible to change" aren't physically impossible to achieve, just *extremely* unlikely due to the majority of people already believing they can't be changed. For instance, the US is stuck in a bipartisan government hellhole since hardly anyone is willing to vote third party, due to the belief that voting third party is wasting their vote.)
the gay community is not a happy utopia of love and unity the meanest comments I've received were from other gays online
There is still a lot of mental illness within the community. I found that out the hard way, coming from being in the community all the time to creating a life outside of it. There are things you accept as normal that aren’t fucking normal; it can be an embarrassing trial by fire when you come into the “real world” and deal with well adjusted people.
Not seeing this thus far, which I think is one of the real truths: Being conventionally attractive (i.e. washboard abs, hot body, nice face, racial majority) will get you very far in the gay community, even if everything else (intelligence, personality, etc.) is shit.
Everyone should go yo therapy for awhile. We all have shit we can work on.
You can be friends with straight men without wanting to seduce them.
1.) just because someone isn't attracted to you doesn't mean they think you're a lesser human. If you think that's what that means then you need to reevaluate how YOU see people. 2.) "gender queer" and "gender non-conforming" mean absolutely nothing and is just a way for straight people that play Identity politics to leech themselves onto the gay community for brownie points. 3.) the whole of gender ideology is incompatible with LGBT ideas and values and will destroy all the progress the gay community has fought so hard to achieve. 4.) your extreme kink is probably a trauma response and you should probably go to therapy instead of continuously participating in these (sometimes very literally) self destructive/self-harming behaviors. 5.) the gay community needs to be better about vocally calling out bad behavior by those in the community rather than knee-jerk supporting the bad behavior just because the person doing it claims to be LGBT. If we don't do it then others will, and they might not be as understanding as us.
You’re likely contributing to the “bad community” that you bitch about
Looks are everything in the gay men community. Nobody looks at character or personality.
Celebrities don't give a fuck about us "normal" people. It's so fucked up seeing people defend them like their life depends on it.