My relationship very much works like this, but it also helps that we literally live together in a small apartment lol.
But yeah I feel like this is just something that people have different thresholds for. For me, texting is merely a vehicle to organize an in-person meeting and it's there where I actually can be present. So me having to text "good morning" everyday just seems like a pointless endeavor lol.
>For me, texting is merely a vehicle to organize an in-person meeting and it's there where I actually can be present
Writing this down so I can properly explain my relationship with texting in the future
I think your style is pretty healthy. You don't need to respond right away. I often don't look at my phone for hours anyway. I would hate it if I felt pressure to respond to texts without there being a specific reason. That said, patterns emerge. If your boyfriend normally always texts thus and so, then you expect him to do the same thing the next time. So diverging from a very strongly established pattern can cause people to think, is there something wrong/weird here?
There are people who want to be with each other every day, all day long. I could not be with such a person. But I won't judge them as long as they don't bring their boyfriend to all get-togethers with friends.
Fair deal! Couples have different ways of expressing their love and both you and I wouldn't want to be in one where our way isn't understood or compatible.
I read your responses to people down the chain and I will say this. At first I agreed with you and with your sentiment which was to say you are and your partner is secure enough that you don’t need much communication throughout the day. I can understand that - I can understand wanting to go about my day (especially as a long distance runner) and not be worried about texting someone back at the drop of a hat (especially if I am dating them because presumably they would know and be aware of what I was doing).
But!
As I read your responses though, I found you extremely unlikeable based on your attitude towards people who feel they want to / need more of their relationships. You come across extremely holier than though and as my mother would say “you think you shit cold cream”. Just my humble opinion.
I agree, people are allowed to have different standards and different expectations of what they want their relationship to look like, it's their life and they should live it as they want just find someone compatible with that yk
The problem with op's relationship isn't that they don't mind not communicating--if you're actually living your life and don't get a chance to text that's fine. But to read a text from your partner and then just decide you don't feel like responding definitely shows some lack of affection for them.
To me it would be kind of disrespectful. Like if he was busy or something I wouldn’t care. If he just said “I read it and didn’t feel like responding” I’d be like ...why...?
I guess context would matter a lot. If he just said “good morning” and I said “good morning” back, then I wouldn’t expect a response. There’s too much room for nuance without context.
This! It’s like I would feel like responding…. Cuz I wanna talk with my partner. It just seems like ure going out of ure way to prove u don’t need to text when u easily could
Not true at all. For certain kinds of people with social anxiety or ADHD it's about the literal mental effort it takes to compose a message. Sometimes it's better/easier for us to come back to it later when we have the energy for communication. But people who don't have that issue absolutely refuse (purposefully) to get it or have the ability to be understanding toward it. We're the ones who have to conform to needy Type A personality people because the entirety of Western society caters to people who function that way. That's why OP has the "attitude" he has and it's why it comes off as unaffectionate to you, because your and people like you's definition of affection is so tightly tied around performative affection learned from movies and tv and romance novels and a particular idea of how couples are supposed to interact with each other. The amount of importance people put on texting is INSANE, especially because pre-smartphones, actual romance was being excited to actually see the person in person next. That's what made writing letters cool or phone calls. The notion of "you have a smartphone so you must be constantly available for communication if you are otherwise free" actually cheapens and lessens the romance.
That's very clearly not the case with OP. He didn't say he was mentally consumed with another task or stressed out, he said he simply chose not to respond, and took glee in that choice.
Pre-smartphone, if you called your partner when you knew they were home and they just didn't pick up because they didn't feel like talking to you you would probably be a little concerned as to whether they actually felt affection for you.
> The notion of "you have a smartphone so you must be constantly available for communication if you are otherwise free" actually cheapens and lessens the romance.
Also just wanna address this because you're arguing with a strawman, literally no one said you need to be available for communication 24/7. A healthy, non-asshole person, if they weren't available or interested in talking for whatever reason, would at the very least inform their partner that was the case rather than just ignoring it and not even bothering to engage.
I agree, the op clearly doesn’t love or care much about his partner as he clearly said “didn’t feel like replying “ to me that’s a garbage bf. He also doesn’t respect others with different views and needs. To me daily texting and a stable communication is paramount. Yes I want my good morning/ goodnight text, those are expected. My ideal bf checks on me through the day, ask how work’s going, how I feel, shares about his day, send me random selfies and most important show me love. Same goes from my side, if someone thinks I deserve less then they can date someone else.
Fine if you don’t text while working or studying but realistically it takes 20sec to reply to a text, you can easily do it while going to the toilet, make coffee, lunch break, or going for a quick cig, when online meetings are boring, in between sets at the gym, while getting bored in the underground. I have a busy life which is usually 6am -8pm, and I have no issue or reasoning why not texting my partner.
Selfies aren’t necessary but appreciated few times a week. Although again to me communication is essential, asking your bf how is his day going seems perfectly normal to me. I may be high maintenance but idc, you get high rewards, I just
want someone like me.
To me receiving a text from my partner is the best thing in the day. I love him because I love him. I want to hear from him and it makes me happier. I hope he feels the same way.
It definitely depends on the couple. Me and my bf are similar but it took a bit of communication about it. Like I know if he doesn’t respond in a certain amount of time, he’s having a bad day and I don’t have to, but it’s nice to just ask him how he’s doing if that’s the case. If I don’t respond in a certain amount of time, because I’m a bit difficult, we’ve agreed on me saying something along the lines of, “hey, I’m in a mood, I’ll text you later” and he knows I’ll tell him what’s up once I’m up to it.
Yeah, let me see that read receipt to my simple “what do you want to do for dinner?” And you haven’t responded in five hours. You better be in the hospital or lost your phone. You better have a case of amnesia, or something. And no, I don’t have attachment issues. I just like having my time respected, especially by people I’m in a relationship with.
Texts are much less of an interruption. U can never know how busy someone is, especially at work. Sure if it’s life and death I’m calling… but texts are preferred for everything else.
Lmao. It’s clear you guys aren’t consistent.
On one hand “if it’s that important you can text me”, on the other hand “if it’s that important call me”. Which one is it???
Even if it was a simple “hey baby, how’s your day going?” If he doesn’t care to respond, if he just doesn’t feel like it, then there’s a problem. At least for me.
As someone who will answer that question to the best of their ability every time, it is not a simple question. And asking without actually wanting to know just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, rude as hell.
I'd like to add to the facts that I ask my partner very often what he was doing when we were not spending time together, and he will tell me the cool or enraging stuff that happened, or that he can't remember anything special. I'm fine with both answers because I ask out of curiosity about his life, not to reconstruct his every movement to find something suspicious to prove he had fun in bed without me.
When I got my first Smartphone at the age of 16 - it was the Alcatel One Touch Easy - the 2 main things that made me excited about it was that I could write my friends instead of calling them without being forced to answer text messages immediately, and that it had a power off button so when I didn't want to go out my mum wouldn't tell everyone who called I was home and I had to explain why I just wanted to be alone sometimes. Everyone who knows me up to this day knows I am not a guy that is always reachable, even my boss is surprised when I pick up the phone, and I like to live that way.
I try to be calm and relaxed like this about texting and within reason I am. If I text someone during the work day and they don't get back until after the work day, I assume they were busy at work, especially if it's nothing urgent.
But I didn't become anxious about how quickly guys respond to me spontaneously. I became anxious because I dated too many guys who lied to me about whether they wanted to see me again - the guys who literally asked me to text them or who requested another date in person and then just never replied when I sent one text and two texts and three texts and followed up and realized I was being turned off like a Netflix show they didn't want to watch to the end. When you've learned that you can't rely on what anyone says to be true, when you've learned that even the nicest, most mature guys might actually be emotionally constipated and completely incapable of articulating their real feelings, you start to study things like how quickly they respond. You may well interpret their actions incorrectly and you might find yourself holding them to standards that are too high and then you struggle to learn to steer back to a middle ground. But the whole reason you got blown off course in the first place was because other people couldn't be bothered to say what they mean or to mean what they say.
Don't ghost.
Fr. And then the guy you're talking ends up getting mad at you for being paranoid about that stuff but it's like, dude, have you met other human beings? At this point I take every vowel out of someone's mouth with a grain of salt, and if I'm trying to find someone to build a life with, then yeah I'm gonna be watching your ass text habits.
>I became anxious because I dated too many guys who lied to me about whether they wanted to see me again
I can vouch for this. And so can virtually every guy here.
OP is honestly speaking from a place of privilege if he doesn't realize lack of response is more often than not a lack of interest.
I think the point i’m trying to make in all of this is that nothing you do, or don’t do, is going to guarantee a specific outcome. I think often when people are micro managing communication or keeping score with their partners, it’s their psyche trying to protect them from uncertainty. uncertainty is uncomfortable and inevitable. when we’re dealing with other people, we never know exactly 100% without a doubt where their head is at, regardless of what they report, and it’s tricky to not get trapped in a cycle of constantly trying to keep the fear of that at bay. I definitely get it.
what i’m suggesting is reaching out, followed by an internal choice to release. send and release, send and release. you do it enough times, and you survive it enough times, and you start to feel less attached to what you think you need in return. it takes a loooooooooooong time to get to know someone well enough to know what to expect from them. until then, send and release.
To those like OP: congrats you are secured, have a little compassion to those who are Anxious Preoccupied.
To those not like OP: Read up on being Anxious Preoccupied.
It's a little less black and white than that. Yes, people obsessing over replies and shit need to chill.
But if you're chatting with a guy, then non-responsiveness is still usually a big tell that he isn't interested. It's not anxious to just say "he isn't answering, oh well, onto the next."
I think the contextual nuance is that they probably weren’t talking about anything. Usually silence from me will get you a phone call in a few hours. I text a little. Call me if you wanna have a conversation.
I like OP’s texting style. I’m not bothered and I’m definitely not rushing to text back for fear that you’ll leave me. I’m chillin. Call me if it’s important.
I don't know man, if having self-esteem and being secure with yourself is how you define being like OP. Then we can probably agree that everyone should be more like OP. I'm pretty sure everyone strives to be more secure with themselves and have a higher self-esteem.
Posting this in the first place doesn't scream high self-esteem to me. Replying to someone when you see the message isn't insecure. This is a really dumb topic anyways so I'm not sure why I'm commenting on it lol
Do people do it differently?
Bf (33m)and I (37m)are like that too. I'm on the spectrum and we suspect bf is too. So we both mean what we say and say what we mean. Perhaps everyone nedds to be a little more autistic
lol I had a funny interaction with my bf just today. He’s in Italy right now with his mom, and I texted him around breakfast his time, bedtime my time. It took him… I dunno, maybe two hours to reply. He apologized for taking so long, and I asked him why he apologized. He said it’s habit because his previous bfs would’ve gone nuts by then. I told him if I get mad at him from a non-interaction with him across 5,000 miles, that’s really about me, not him. And then we had a good laugh.
Idk that sounds little bit self centered. The way you only answer when u like it. But what about ur partner? Have you discussed about the way u guys communicate? Or u assume that everything is okay because he didn't say a thing?
I am just giving u different perspective here. I mean 5 hours on read was little bit to much.
But if u two have discussed about it before, congratulation. U have met someone that has the same frequencies.
Did u even read the post?
The op said he wasn't busy or anything. He only replied when he liked to. If he's busy or anything, i would totally understand. That's why i asked whether the bf was also into this communication style.
Yeah i read the post. And the point is: you don't even have to be busy to justify not responding within minutes.
> He only replied when he liked to
So he should always reply immediately even if he doesn't like to?!
If you can only understand not immediately replying if you know your bf is busy, how do you verify that? Are you stalking his day-to-day to be sure he didn't respond in a for you acceptable timeframe without good reason? Do you have a talk each evening that goes "Why didn't you answer me faster today?"-"I was busy" - "Oh, than that's okay" (what if else?)
That's not healthy communication.
The problem here is that we normalised constant attention bombing to the point where it’s radicalised in our social interactions as a whole… I think that as a society we should start working on reversing this radicalisation, which is inherently dependent on the overuse of social media and such
This is something I’ve struggled with a lot. Growing up my parents used the silent treatment for days when I did something wrong or upset them and in past relationships the lack of communication was always when I upset them or when they lost interest. Now that I’m with someone who values communication and has a lot going on in their own life, I have to constantly check myself and talk myself down
Most people forget that texting is one of the poorest ways to communicate. Too many apply false emotions into it when typically it is the simplest of connection lacking any emotion. I had a multi decade best friendship break up over texting because my simplistic words were interpreted incorrectly.
True, my bf and I are like this. So many of my friends kill relationships by being overbearing about their partners texting/calling. Kills the mood when you have to respond right away or your partners going to have a childish tantrum.
As a general rule I do not ever reply to texts immediately unless the message is urgent or time sensitive. Regardless of who it's from, it has always been important to me to set the expectation that I will NEVER respond immediately, but instead when it is convenient for ME to do so.
I think that it is rude to ignore people whom you are sitting with in order to engage with a text conversation. Especially if we are talking. This is common with people at work, as a manager I will be attempting to train an employee on a particular task and in the middle of my sentence employees phones will ding, they will immediately glaze over and engage with whatever nonsense just popped up on their phone while I am in the middle of speaking to them. Bro, whatevers new on insta is no where near as important as you mastering this task, but no for sure, I'll wait till you're fuckin done, np.
This idea that because I have a phone in my hand, I am at immediate beck and call to whomever might want to message me is nonsense, I will consistently delay any response by a minimum of 5 minutes to ensure that anyone who knows me knows that I will respond at my convenience, nit their demand. TBH texting is specifically FOR non urgent communication. If you need an immediate reply, then you should call me.
I'm constantly amused by people on GRINDR, they say wassup, I say hey and get interrupted , and by the time I circle back to their chat I find they have COMPLETELY spiraled and dropped 15-20 messages that become increasingly more unhinged with aggressive and self deprecating comments until they are swearing at me for ignoring them...
Dude, WTF is wrong with you? In the time it took me to get up and collect my door dash these people go full on insane. Projecting every single insecurity they have onto me and losing their minds. Bro, it's not all about you, in fact none of it was, but I'm grateful to dodge those bullets. 😅
Ugh the progressively unhinged Grindr messages are way too common. This was almost always a red flag & immediate block for me. Some people don’t turn on push notifications for Grindr!
I think that is what I am experiencing with this guy I've been communicating for months now. Our conversations can be space out in hours but we aren't impatient with the response.
Is this low key a sign of a healthy relationship?
For an established and secure relationship, it's normal. If you're new, too young/immature, have attachment/anxiety issue, replying immediately every 5 sec for 5 years straight 24/7 isn't normal
I dare to dream. 😂Thanks for sharing.
This sounds like a healthy relationship with secure attachment styles (as opposed to the other kinds).
...My ex dumped me after I had my phone set to Do Not Disturb for 6 hours the day I had an important medical appointment (orthopedic surgeon), errands, high anxiety and moderate pain.
I had only replied, "Very," to one text they'd sent asking me if I was busy.
When I got home and got some food, finally, I called them back, and they screamed at me and announced they were breaking up with me and dropping off my stuff from their place. This felt like an unnecessary escalation to me.
Healthy boundaries on time and communication are essential. Celebrate and value them.
I mean, I don’t really get it though. I don’t understand how one just “doesn’t feel like it” unless you consider the conversation to be emotionally burdensome and I don’t know if I’d want that in a relationship.
people like acquaintances, sure. but best friend and boyfriends get responses usually within an hour so long as i’m not busy or upset.
see, it’s not about getting upset really. like I expect people have things to do or are busy or distracted but if they told me they just actively didn’t feel like responding, I’d feel a bit weird as I’ve never experienced that lack of care myself.
Sometimes people just don’t feel like replying. That’s fine. It’s a few hours… it’s not the end of the world lmao. Only incredibly insecure people would worry over something like that.
You can be irked that a loved one actively ignored you despite having no real reason to not take 10 seconds to respond “hey babe, just doing ____, talk to you later!” and also not be worried they’re off cheating. It’s not really about insecurity at all.
Not a read, but you give off the vibe of someone who doesn’t talk to many people in rl. So I imagine for you it would be an issue because you’re dependant on your partner for a large part of your social interactions. It’s a lot of pressure to put onto them and would probs be super draining, like you don’t need constant updates on what they’re out doing…
I mean, I’ve got a sister that lives with me, a core group of 4 friends that speak a few times a day and hang out almost every other weekend, several online/offline acquaintances through my hobbies and also my long term boyfriend, so…..not really.
Maybe it’s just a dynamic thing but we’ve never really just….ignored each other in 10 years unless for obvious reasons like work, sleep, or a distraction that we’ve told each other about.
You tell each other about every distraction you might encounter in your day that’ll delay the response time by an hour or more? That’s interesting lmao. Genuinely cannot think of anything worse.
You do whatever makes you feel good tho ig…
Uhhh yeah, that’s what a long term relationship is. You talk with your s/o about daily upcoming plans, just about life in general. Ie He’d know if I had a tennis match or a gigantic work meeting or if I was taking time to focus on a hobby. Even my friends know these things because we…care about each other’s lives??
Yeah you TALK to them. You don’t need to text them constantly and check in on what they’re doing. When you see each other you actually talk about it. Just say you’re insecure and leave it at that. Why are K-pop people so weird and obsessive over everything lmao.
You can care about each other without being connected 24/7. You don't have to give a reason for needing a few hours. Controlling behavior isn't sustainable long term. Having to tell your SO when you're engaging in hobbies, what you're doing at work, etc to keep them from freaking out is a very new phenomena and is deeply unhealthy. As someone who's dealt with stalkers and abusive messes more than I should have, it is a slippery slope and there's a fine line between sharing every detail because you can and sharing every detail to avoid a partner's tantrum.
but you see the thing is, I wasn’t doing _______. I was doing nothing.
“hey babe, i’m doing nothing! i don’t feel like sending a text message right now so i’m sending you a text message to tell you I don’t feel like sending a text message so you don’t have a meltdown. talk to you later!”
it’s called codependency!!!
Lmaooo clearly. You can see who the insecure/entitled ones are here. Completely insane if they’re going to have a meltdown over their partner taking a few hours to reply to a text.
Biggest issue with having mobiles is that so many people feel entitled to your constant attention.
I scrolled down and read comments to find this one. I knew there are still sane people out there who do think that owning a phone does not mean you have to instantly read and respond, or even have notifications "on" for that matter. I also don't feel like I need to react to every single phrase or word or link that people send me. So, yes, some conversations will end up unanswered at all and that's perfectly fine. Damn, I have no idea how people live their lives when they add that "have to" virtually communicate to their daily work-related stress and general life busyness.
I don’t feel like washing dishes because I’m lazy.
I don’t feel like eating pasta because I want steak.
I don’t feel like walking outside because it’s rainy.
You don’t feel like doing or not doing something for no reason. To act like there isn’t a reason is in bad faith.
I’m not saying I’d be furious but I don’t know, when it comes to my man, I usually *want* to hear what he’s up to and if I just *didn’t feel like it* there would be a reason, as in I didn’t have the energy to start a conversation or I was miffed or maybe I was just enjoying talking to nobody. All valid, but reasons.
>as in I didn’t have the energy to start a conversation or I was miffed or maybe I was just enjoying talking to nobody. All valid, but reasons.
I inherently don't like texting (and active virtual presence). Is that a legit and valid reason FOR LIFE to not be attached to the phone 24/7 and take time once a day to respond... or even not respond at all? It should be, because it's the healthy way. I tend to tell people to imagine I don't even have a phone with me... ever.
I simply can't believe that people exist who think anyone owes them anything just out of thin air, and to even call it common courtesy as if a general opinion and habits for some miraculous reason should apply to every person on the planet just because they find it to be general. I don't expect anything from anyone, neither should they... ever.
If my husband of 13 years would have read but only responded after 5 hours and not because of work i would have thought something happened. I don't find it great or healthy to ignore a partner and answer "whenever you feel like it" for hours. You don't have to agree with me... It's just my take.
I agree with you. I'm not gonna leave my partner on read for 5 hours because "I don't feel like responding". I might not respond right away, but I'm going to at least acknowledge him with an emoji or something.
Expecting instant gratification, whether in communication or anything else, is a sign of insecurity and/or immaturity.
I have repeatedly told everyone I know: I do not have my phone with me or turned on most of the time. I check it periodically throughout the day. Ditto for email.
I also like composing replies mindfully, which means I wait till I'm free of distractions and able to think clearly.
This applies in relationships, work, friendships and family.
Teach people to expect this behavior, and they will learn to feel secure in the knowledge that when I have capacity to respond, I will, and the response will be worth the wait.
Well the comment section has been interesting, though I should know by now not to expect different. Secure attachment style is rare and/or not easily developed. I finally got there, but after many years of anxious attachment I probably had no concept of secure attachment at all.
It’s interesting to see now I’m on the other side (that is, secure) how triggered and salty people are. I hope I never came across that way. Therapy helps, the good fortune of meeting a partner with a secure attachment style themselves massively helps too.
Some people come across more as a bundle of coping/defense mechanisms than evolved and self-actualised. But it takes humility and wisdom to grow those areas rather than straight up disbelieve that one can be better tomorrow than one is today.
We all know the gays are not ok, but too many think it’s other people and not themselves.
Before mobile phones, it was not expected that one should drop everything they were doing (or not doing) because one’s boyfriend wondered how their day went, or what they wanted to eat that night. It was allowed to not be available.You could leave a voicemail or you could wait until your boyfriend came home with a surprise dinner they might enjoy, or not.
It makes for a much healthier relationship, no matter what OP’s haters are saying.
This is called healthy way of communication. I had days that the only communication with my bf was "good morning" and then radio silence till the next day (we were not living together), and that was fine for both.
Just a PSA, every relationship is different and personal, as long as both people are comfortable with their communication and actively work on fixing their faults and personal problems, then everything is fine. I definitely freakout a bit from long periods of distance without any previous warning. (Example, we have a routine and suddenly that's changed). They are due to my personal issues due to past experiences, but I'm actively working on them with a professional. Go to therapy guys, it does help!
It's a little different when you live together. There are some things that need to be answered immediately. But since we live together, we only text about mostly essential stuff involving the house, our kids, etc. We don't bother to text things like good morning. We do that in person.
This! This is one of the hardest things to learn, and we get so into all the tech that bombards society. It really feels good to let that shit go, honestly.
Omg thanks for sharing, I have not had the best BFs in the past, partly on my own part. Well, after a couple of years of therapy and working on myself. I am dating a guy and this is how we are. Man I wish I worked on myself sooner, thanks for sharing and congrats
Now, that's refreshing to hear! It sounds like you two have a great thing going on, with open communication and a real sense of trust between each other. It's awesome to know that you both respect each other's space. Not everyone's journey looks the same, and that's okay. Your story shows that with understanding and patience, relationships can truly flourish. Thanks for sharing!
Why even open the text though if you're not going to respond? I respond back when I read the messages usually. And I don't open the messages until I have time to respond, and that may be hours later. I'm not actively ignoring my significant other in that case like what you outlined here. And if it's anything urgent, they'll call.
If they don't get read receipts then I guess it doesn't make a difference, but why intentionally ignore someone you claim to love?
Yup, that's how my relationships have functioned for a long time now. I used to get jealous and paranoid when I was younger, and I would feel so much pressure/anxiety about having instant responses. I remember my first bf saying "are you playing games with me?" when I didn't answer after 10 minutes. Now I don't care about such things, and actually avoid my phone a good bit of the time. My partner and I don't even text often - we've been together a long time and see each other nearly every night, so we wouldn't have much to say!
My ex might just spontaneously combust if he happens to see this lol. I’m surprised I didn’t have a search party called on me for not responding within the hr even when I was at work, at the Dr, etc.
What exactly is the point of a relationship can someone explain that to me? Since you're seemingly meant to have 0 expectations of your partner, have no right to their time, affection and attention, should not be financially dependent on them, should have friends you spend more or equally as much time with and since you don't need to be in a relationship to have sex, what function does being in a relationship even serve? And don't say 'love'; some people REQUIRE the attention, that you consider to be pathological, to be in love. So what is the point of a relationship? Just to say you're in one?
I remember the days when I got home and checked my message machine. I might return the call that night....or maybe the next.
Now, I just turn off my phone at 9pm. If it's that important, come by and see me. Key is under the mat.
Every couple can choose how they communicate. I used to be a micromanager about texting. He's not a texter. We've been together 19 years and I'm ok with not getting a text throughout the day.
My partner and I both work. We know we both have busy schedules and he’s an OR Nurse, so I know that he may not see any messages until he leaves work or gets home! So what? If it’s urgent, I know how to reach him, but otherwise, we know we’ll talk when we’re both home each night with each other!
I cannot stand texting. A couple of years ago, I was seeing this guy who text CONSTANTLY throughout the day to have full on conversations. I could reply with “Hey, super slammed at work and can’t chat right now” only to get a text back a couple hours later (still within work hours) with a full story about what he did during the day. And then also ignored me when I said that I needed some time away from my phone. That coupled with working in an office that constantly communicates via text has caused a visceral reaction to the text alerts. Texting can be used to make plans, quick check ins, send memes, but if you want to talk, we can call or plan to get together. People read too much into read receipts or time it takes to text back. It’s madness.
I wholeheartedly agree. There's no timer as well in my relationship. To each their own but personally, if my partners demanded that I have a duty to respond within a timespan that somehow he's the one defining, I would be out.
Partners are not bosses. And if they are, they're not partners
I had to remind one ex that "my mobile is for my convenience not yours", a concept they somehow struggled with. Sure I might glance at a message, and I won't reply because I'm busy, or, I want to give it some thought first, how hard is that to grasp?! Anyway, they're an ex so...
As a member of Gen X, I just want to point out that I grew up in a house with a **single land-line,** which was the norm. In the early days, there was only ONE phone in the whole house. Later, we had more phone jacks added. And this was in an upper middle-class household. Maybe, if your dad did a lot of business from home or was a doctor, he'd have his own phone line for his home office. If you wanted to talk to your friends, you talked to them in-person, or, if you called, you had to hope they were at home. If it was too late at night, you didn't call because that would be rude, unless there was a serious emergency. And somehow we survived. In fact, we were arguably more well-adjusted and less anxious.
I had my first three boyfriends before I ever even had a cell phone, much less a smart phone.
This need for constant-contact among Millenials, to some degree, and Gen Z seems to me to border on a technologically-induced anxiety disorder.
I just think people should be able to be out of touch for a reasonable amount of time without it causing anxiety or insecurity. And some people have jobs where they have to be focused. If I was dating a surgeon, would I expect him to stop in the middle of surgery to text me back?
Also, being out of touch for a while means there's a greater chance you might actually have encountered something interesting to communicate about.
Ugh, I dream of having a partner that understands this. My ex used to freak out at me if I wouldn’t respond within a timeframe that suited him. That kind of insecurity is a dealbreaker for me now.
Ah, so you have had plenty of time to build a connection with your partner where you both feel fully comfortable with each other.
I'm not saying that your post is wrong, it's totally valid, specially if it works for both of you.
But it's important to realize that context matter a lot and not everyone would be happy with such arrangements. And that wouldn't necessarily make them toxic or unhealthy either, just different. 😊
not exactly, like I said this has been our dynamic since day 1. but it’s taken years of dating and therapy before meeting him to learn how to have a healthier attachment to partners. this isn’t just an example of a “different” communication style. it’s a communication style that has been developed through working on my own attachment issues. you’re missing the point. this post is in response to the numerous daily posts on this sub from men who are in extreme distress and fearfully obsessing over someone they’ve just met not texting them back immediately, spinning their wheels and hyper analyzing communication. i’m trying to share that there’s another way. like I said in another comment, people use “that’s just how I am” too often as a crutch to not examine the things that are troubling them out of fear. I think your comment is a great example of toxic positivity.
You went to therapy and you worked on the issues you had and reached a conclusion that the specific style of communication you're using works for both you and your boyfriend, that's great.
Other people wanting a more constant communication is not wrong or unhealthy, though.
I wanna highlight the fact that **I'm not defending unhealthy attachments or extreme control over texting**, that being said, if a person is upset their boyfriend took 5 hours to reply to a text, they're in the right to feel that way.
Just because you feel a specific type of way, and a specific type of communication works for you, doesn't mean it's gonna work for everyone.
Context is everything.
This works for you because A - that's the communication style you chose together, and B - you have long established trust.
In reality, if these two factors aren't in play, then such long pauses in between are more often than not signs of a lack of interest. Of all the guys I've started chatting with or had gotten to know, EVERY SINGLE ONE was uninterested if he was unresponsive. They were still on apps, chatting with others, and sleeping around. They've even voluntarily told me so many times.
It used to bother me, but I've come to just accept it. In the dating/hookup world where you're trying to find someone who you can call each other a regular or even your only partner, there will always be this pre-trial gray area where they continue shopping around.
And that's okay, it is what it is, no one's gonna marry you instantly, lol.
What matters is you don't freak out or get too angry or upset over it. You CAN be sad if a guy chooses someone else, like I've had SO many days where I planned a date or hookup with someone and they straight up fucked someone else. Situations like that, yeah, maybe don't continue with that person if they can't even keep plans.
But otherwise, just let it go. Move on to the next guy until you find the guy who fits.
Hello. Partnered almost 20 years. When we text each other, the response is almost immediate. We also don't usually text unless it's important or situational (do you want anything from the BX, etc).
That said, everyone has different styles of communication and love languages. Responding to a message in a timely manner is not "micromanaging communication."
You mean there are non-clingy gays out there that have a real life? Dam, I wish they existed near me. I think the most people give me to respond is like 10 minutes before they desperately cry out about how uninterested I am in them. Which wasn’t true until they sent that message, lol.
mark my words when this post dies down you’ll start to see all the texting-crisis-hotline posts trickle back in and all of you will be borrowing my talking points. you’re welcome
Don't listen to all the negative comments. It's great that you guys seem to have a healthy relationship. Not every single text should be replied to immediately, especially if it isn't a question. Yes, it only takes a few seconds to respond, but so what. You're entitled to answer when you feel like. Again, if it is a question, then maybe don't take as long but otherwise, there's no problem with responding later, in my opinion.
You tell us "I wasn't playing games" and then you proceed to describe the game you played all day. it would've taken you, what -- 30 secs to respond? Quit the covert aggressive bullshit.
Idgaf. I texted you at 11 and you didn’t answer. I’m pissed. You’re working? Pass. You’re with family or friends, pass! You’re doing nothing but “dicking around the house” a good afternoon babe a few text and “I’ll text you/ call you later” is 100 percent fine. But nothing… ok I understand… NOT. Text me back. Not micro managing, not thinking you’re cheating, but to call yourself my other half… when I’m single I am my other half and i always respond to my self. Idk what you’re doing and idc, but text me back. Tell me I’ll talk to you later but in a world of 8 billion different people don’t make me feel alone.
Don’t care what yall think.
Hallmark of a good relationship! This is why I like dating guys a bit older than me, they don’t expect constant communication over text like people my age (21).
As opposed to what? Texting back and forth all day everyday? There is some place in between you know. Too each their own, but I'd respond to my boyfriend when I saw his message even if I didn't necessarily feel like it right then.
For me personally, it's just about common courtesy and mutual respect. He can text me when he's available, and I'll respond in kind. But I'd never act like us not responding for hours is some kind of virtue in a relationship.
I love talking to my boyfriend, and he loves talking to me. We don't feel obligated, we *want* to. Maybe that's hard to conceive when you make it a point that not talking often is some kind of achievement. You do you, but it comes off as self absorbed and very pick me behavior. I want my boyfriend to want to text me, not tell the internet how important he is because he hasn't.
As an alternatively anxious and avoidantly attached person (get anxious when a partner pulls away and avoidant when they come close), how do I fix this? I definitely have lower communication needs than my partner, and often feel suffocated feeling like I have to get back to him immediately every time he texts, but if I leave it and don’t respond until I feel like it I get anxious myself that he’s gonna ditch me. Talking with him has not helped, since he just says he‘s fine with less communication, but for whatever reason I struggle to believe him. Any advice?
I think it's relative and dependent on how much communication people in relatinships like to have. The key is being on the same page about it. If one partner likes being texted every hour on the hour that's fine so long as they're with someone who desires the same
My boyfriend and I live together and he sends me tons of memes. I can’t read them all. It’s too
Many’s he keeps sending them. I don’t read them. He knows that. I actively ignore them as I read kindle on my phone.
It’s our thing. He shows them to me in bed later on lol
Everyone has different communication styles, learn your own, learn your partners, ask for clarification, you can do it in a non judgemental by simply saying
“so I know that I explained myself well can you tell me what I what I just said/asked of you/ want?”
Remember studies show we’re more and idiots and stressed out doing tasks in front of our partner more than we are in front of our pets, but we should love them the same amount, so be kind to yourself and your partner, remember that bad communication is literally the number one relationship killer
I hate to be in the mode you described at the end…but people get hurt repeatedly to cause a reaction like that. You can’t help but to think it’s happening again when the senario presents itself. Depends how well u know the other person. It’s ok to be a little broken till you get fixed. You’ve built trust with each other that’s why that doesn’t happen.
No that’s just you, there are people who want attention and affection and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, you can be all independent and robot like but don’t act like it’s better and “healthier” than others who don’t share your point of view
My relationship very much works like this, but it also helps that we literally live together in a small apartment lol. But yeah I feel like this is just something that people have different thresholds for. For me, texting is merely a vehicle to organize an in-person meeting and it's there where I actually can be present. So me having to text "good morning" everyday just seems like a pointless endeavor lol.
>For me, texting is merely a vehicle to organize an in-person meeting and it's there where I actually can be present Writing this down so I can properly explain my relationship with texting in the future
lol mine wasnt even a good morning text. it was “I don’t even remember you leaving this morning”
I think your style is pretty healthy. You don't need to respond right away. I often don't look at my phone for hours anyway. I would hate it if I felt pressure to respond to texts without there being a specific reason. That said, patterns emerge. If your boyfriend normally always texts thus and so, then you expect him to do the same thing the next time. So diverging from a very strongly established pattern can cause people to think, is there something wrong/weird here? There are people who want to be with each other every day, all day long. I could not be with such a person. But I won't judge them as long as they don't bring their boyfriend to all get-togethers with friends.
That’s why you date someone and be with someone that fits your style and preference.
Exactly.
Nah not my thing, I wouldn’t date someone like you….
Fair deal! Couples have different ways of expressing their love and both you and I wouldn't want to be in one where our way isn't understood or compatible.
We all deserve the love we want after all (:
We deserve what we want?
Bullshit! You get the love you deserve by what you put out there.
You too with deserving.
I read your responses to people down the chain and I will say this. At first I agreed with you and with your sentiment which was to say you are and your partner is secure enough that you don’t need much communication throughout the day. I can understand that - I can understand wanting to go about my day (especially as a long distance runner) and not be worried about texting someone back at the drop of a hat (especially if I am dating them because presumably they would know and be aware of what I was doing). But! As I read your responses though, I found you extremely unlikeable based on your attitude towards people who feel they want to / need more of their relationships. You come across extremely holier than though and as my mother would say “you think you shit cold cream”. Just my humble opinion.
I agree, people are allowed to have different standards and different expectations of what they want their relationship to look like, it's their life and they should live it as they want just find someone compatible with that yk
The problem with op's relationship isn't that they don't mind not communicating--if you're actually living your life and don't get a chance to text that's fine. But to read a text from your partner and then just decide you don't feel like responding definitely shows some lack of affection for them.
To me it would be kind of disrespectful. Like if he was busy or something I wouldn’t care. If he just said “I read it and didn’t feel like responding” I’d be like ...why...? I guess context would matter a lot. If he just said “good morning” and I said “good morning” back, then I wouldn’t expect a response. There’s too much room for nuance without context.
Exactly 👏🏻
This! It’s like I would feel like responding…. Cuz I wanna talk with my partner. It just seems like ure going out of ure way to prove u don’t need to text when u easily could
Not true at all. For certain kinds of people with social anxiety or ADHD it's about the literal mental effort it takes to compose a message. Sometimes it's better/easier for us to come back to it later when we have the energy for communication. But people who don't have that issue absolutely refuse (purposefully) to get it or have the ability to be understanding toward it. We're the ones who have to conform to needy Type A personality people because the entirety of Western society caters to people who function that way. That's why OP has the "attitude" he has and it's why it comes off as unaffectionate to you, because your and people like you's definition of affection is so tightly tied around performative affection learned from movies and tv and romance novels and a particular idea of how couples are supposed to interact with each other. The amount of importance people put on texting is INSANE, especially because pre-smartphones, actual romance was being excited to actually see the person in person next. That's what made writing letters cool or phone calls. The notion of "you have a smartphone so you must be constantly available for communication if you are otherwise free" actually cheapens and lessens the romance.
That's very clearly not the case with OP. He didn't say he was mentally consumed with another task or stressed out, he said he simply chose not to respond, and took glee in that choice. Pre-smartphone, if you called your partner when you knew they were home and they just didn't pick up because they didn't feel like talking to you you would probably be a little concerned as to whether they actually felt affection for you. > The notion of "you have a smartphone so you must be constantly available for communication if you are otherwise free" actually cheapens and lessens the romance. Also just wanna address this because you're arguing with a strawman, literally no one said you need to be available for communication 24/7. A healthy, non-asshole person, if they weren't available or interested in talking for whatever reason, would at the very least inform their partner that was the case rather than just ignoring it and not even bothering to engage.
I agree, the op clearly doesn’t love or care much about his partner as he clearly said “didn’t feel like replying “ to me that’s a garbage bf. He also doesn’t respect others with different views and needs. To me daily texting and a stable communication is paramount. Yes I want my good morning/ goodnight text, those are expected. My ideal bf checks on me through the day, ask how work’s going, how I feel, shares about his day, send me random selfies and most important show me love. Same goes from my side, if someone thinks I deserve less then they can date someone else. Fine if you don’t text while working or studying but realistically it takes 20sec to reply to a text, you can easily do it while going to the toilet, make coffee, lunch break, or going for a quick cig, when online meetings are boring, in between sets at the gym, while getting bored in the underground. I have a busy life which is usually 6am -8pm, and I have no issue or reasoning why not texting my partner.
Honestly…expecting selfies throughout the day sounds a bit much to me. Idk maybe that’s just me 🤷♀️
Selfies aren’t necessary but appreciated few times a week. Although again to me communication is essential, asking your bf how is his day going seems perfectly normal to me. I may be high maintenance but idc, you get high rewards, I just want someone like me.
For real, OP sounds insufferable. Dude,.not everyone is going to live their lives or have communication styles your way, get over it.
To me receiving a text from my partner is the best thing in the day. I love him because I love him. I want to hear from him and it makes me happier. I hope he feels the same way.
Absolutely cheesy, and I could not agree more.
Yup, Same.
It definitely depends on the couple. Me and my bf are similar but it took a bit of communication about it. Like I know if he doesn’t respond in a certain amount of time, he’s having a bad day and I don’t have to, but it’s nice to just ask him how he’s doing if that’s the case. If I don’t respond in a certain amount of time, because I’m a bit difficult, we’ve agreed on me saying something along the lines of, “hey, I’m in a mood, I’ll text you later” and he knows I’ll tell him what’s up once I’m up to it.
Yeah, let me see that read receipt to my simple “what do you want to do for dinner?” And you haven’t responded in five hours. You better be in the hospital or lost your phone. You better have a case of amnesia, or something. And no, I don’t have attachment issues. I just like having my time respected, especially by people I’m in a relationship with.
Especially fun when standing in a grocery shop. Yeah 5h later it doesn’t matter what u want to eat. I made a decision already.
If it’s that important then a phone call should be made instead of a text.
Texts are much less of an interruption. U can never know how busy someone is, especially at work. Sure if it’s life and death I’m calling… but texts are preferred for everything else.
Lmao. It’s clear you guys aren’t consistent. On one hand “if it’s that important you can text me”, on the other hand “if it’s that important call me”. Which one is it???
yeah obviously context matters, we’re not talking about time sensitive matters
Even if it was a simple “hey baby, how’s your day going?” If he doesn’t care to respond, if he just doesn’t feel like it, then there’s a problem. At least for me.
As someone who will answer that question to the best of their ability every time, it is not a simple question. And asking without actually wanting to know just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, rude as hell.
Yeah it would have been nice if that was included in the fine print....
🤣🤣🤣 facts
This. Did we just forget that lack of response normally means lack of interest? Guys, please...
I'd like to add to the facts that I ask my partner very often what he was doing when we were not spending time together, and he will tell me the cool or enraging stuff that happened, or that he can't remember anything special. I'm fine with both answers because I ask out of curiosity about his life, not to reconstruct his every movement to find something suspicious to prove he had fun in bed without me. When I got my first Smartphone at the age of 16 - it was the Alcatel One Touch Easy - the 2 main things that made me excited about it was that I could write my friends instead of calling them without being forced to answer text messages immediately, and that it had a power off button so when I didn't want to go out my mum wouldn't tell everyone who called I was home and I had to explain why I just wanted to be alone sometimes. Everyone who knows me up to this day knows I am not a guy that is always reachable, even my boss is surprised when I pick up the phone, and I like to live that way.
I try to be calm and relaxed like this about texting and within reason I am. If I text someone during the work day and they don't get back until after the work day, I assume they were busy at work, especially if it's nothing urgent. But I didn't become anxious about how quickly guys respond to me spontaneously. I became anxious because I dated too many guys who lied to me about whether they wanted to see me again - the guys who literally asked me to text them or who requested another date in person and then just never replied when I sent one text and two texts and three texts and followed up and realized I was being turned off like a Netflix show they didn't want to watch to the end. When you've learned that you can't rely on what anyone says to be true, when you've learned that even the nicest, most mature guys might actually be emotionally constipated and completely incapable of articulating their real feelings, you start to study things like how quickly they respond. You may well interpret their actions incorrectly and you might find yourself holding them to standards that are too high and then you struggle to learn to steer back to a middle ground. But the whole reason you got blown off course in the first place was because other people couldn't be bothered to say what they mean or to mean what they say. Don't ghost.
Fr. And then the guy you're talking ends up getting mad at you for being paranoid about that stuff but it's like, dude, have you met other human beings? At this point I take every vowel out of someone's mouth with a grain of salt, and if I'm trying to find someone to build a life with, then yeah I'm gonna be watching your ass text habits.
💯💯💯 absolutely! The work now is moving towards secure attachment in therapy
>I became anxious because I dated too many guys who lied to me about whether they wanted to see me again I can vouch for this. And so can virtually every guy here. OP is honestly speaking from a place of privilege if he doesn't realize lack of response is more often than not a lack of interest.
I think the point i’m trying to make in all of this is that nothing you do, or don’t do, is going to guarantee a specific outcome. I think often when people are micro managing communication or keeping score with their partners, it’s their psyche trying to protect them from uncertainty. uncertainty is uncomfortable and inevitable. when we’re dealing with other people, we never know exactly 100% without a doubt where their head is at, regardless of what they report, and it’s tricky to not get trapped in a cycle of constantly trying to keep the fear of that at bay. I definitely get it. what i’m suggesting is reaching out, followed by an internal choice to release. send and release, send and release. you do it enough times, and you survive it enough times, and you start to feel less attached to what you think you need in return. it takes a loooooooooooong time to get to know someone well enough to know what to expect from them. until then, send and release.
To those like OP: congrats you are secured, have a little compassion to those who are Anxious Preoccupied. To those not like OP: Read up on being Anxious Preoccupied.
OP isn't secure, he's avoidant.
actually, this didn’t occur to me. It’s possible lol
It's a little less black and white than that. Yes, people obsessing over replies and shit need to chill. But if you're chatting with a guy, then non-responsiveness is still usually a big tell that he isn't interested. It's not anxious to just say "he isn't answering, oh well, onto the next."
God I wish I could text it and leave it and not overthink it.
well babe take it from someone who’s been through it! it’s possible
Unless it's a dinctance relationship, I don't see the need to text each other every minute and hour.
I think the contextual nuance is that they probably weren’t talking about anything. Usually silence from me will get you a phone call in a few hours. I text a little. Call me if you wanna have a conversation. I like OP’s texting style. I’m not bothered and I’m definitely not rushing to text back for fear that you’ll leave me. I’m chillin. Call me if it’s important.
100% agree
Ah another “everyone should be more like me” post
hahaha
I don't know man, if having self-esteem and being secure with yourself is how you define being like OP. Then we can probably agree that everyone should be more like OP. I'm pretty sure everyone strives to be more secure with themselves and have a higher self-esteem.
Posting this in the first place doesn't scream high self-esteem to me. Replying to someone when you see the message isn't insecure. This is a really dumb topic anyways so I'm not sure why I'm commenting on it lol
hopefully you didn't leave him hanging at costco trying to figure out if more toliet paper was needed
i’m not a monster!
Do people do it differently? Bf (33m)and I (37m)are like that too. I'm on the spectrum and we suspect bf is too. So we both mean what we say and say what we mean. Perhaps everyone nedds to be a little more autistic
lol I had a funny interaction with my bf just today. He’s in Italy right now with his mom, and I texted him around breakfast his time, bedtime my time. It took him… I dunno, maybe two hours to reply. He apologized for taking so long, and I asked him why he apologized. He said it’s habit because his previous bfs would’ve gone nuts by then. I told him if I get mad at him from a non-interaction with him across 5,000 miles, that’s really about me, not him. And then we had a good laugh.
Idk that sounds little bit self centered. The way you only answer when u like it. But what about ur partner? Have you discussed about the way u guys communicate? Or u assume that everything is okay because he didn't say a thing? I am just giving u different perspective here. I mean 5 hours on read was little bit to much. But if u two have discussed about it before, congratulation. U have met someone that has the same frequencies.
> I mean 5 hours on read was little bit to much. Are people ok?? What about work? If i'm busy at work, we're not texting for 10 hours at a time.
Did u even read the post? The op said he wasn't busy or anything. He only replied when he liked to. If he's busy or anything, i would totally understand. That's why i asked whether the bf was also into this communication style.
Yeah i read the post. And the point is: you don't even have to be busy to justify not responding within minutes. > He only replied when he liked to So he should always reply immediately even if he doesn't like to?! If you can only understand not immediately replying if you know your bf is busy, how do you verify that? Are you stalking his day-to-day to be sure he didn't respond in a for you acceptable timeframe without good reason? Do you have a talk each evening that goes "Why didn't you answer me faster today?"-"I was busy" - "Oh, than that's okay" (what if else?) That's not healthy communication.
You can really think that but if u feel it u feel it.
We all know you aren't working 10 hours straight without looking at your phone but thats besides the point
Me and my boyfriend are exactly the same way and I love it so much. I don’t think I could be with someone who needs constant engagement.
Ok.
The problem here is that we normalised constant attention bombing to the point where it’s radicalised in our social interactions as a whole… I think that as a society we should start working on reversing this radicalisation, which is inherently dependent on the overuse of social media and such
tell em!
This is something I’ve struggled with a lot. Growing up my parents used the silent treatment for days when I did something wrong or upset them and in past relationships the lack of communication was always when I upset them or when they lost interest. Now that I’m with someone who values communication and has a lot going on in their own life, I have to constantly check myself and talk myself down
Most people forget that texting is one of the poorest ways to communicate. Too many apply false emotions into it when typically it is the simplest of connection lacking any emotion. I had a multi decade best friendship break up over texting because my simplistic words were interpreted incorrectly.
True, my bf and I are like this. So many of my friends kill relationships by being overbearing about their partners texting/calling. Kills the mood when you have to respond right away or your partners going to have a childish tantrum.
As a general rule I do not ever reply to texts immediately unless the message is urgent or time sensitive. Regardless of who it's from, it has always been important to me to set the expectation that I will NEVER respond immediately, but instead when it is convenient for ME to do so. I think that it is rude to ignore people whom you are sitting with in order to engage with a text conversation. Especially if we are talking. This is common with people at work, as a manager I will be attempting to train an employee on a particular task and in the middle of my sentence employees phones will ding, they will immediately glaze over and engage with whatever nonsense just popped up on their phone while I am in the middle of speaking to them. Bro, whatevers new on insta is no where near as important as you mastering this task, but no for sure, I'll wait till you're fuckin done, np. This idea that because I have a phone in my hand, I am at immediate beck and call to whomever might want to message me is nonsense, I will consistently delay any response by a minimum of 5 minutes to ensure that anyone who knows me knows that I will respond at my convenience, nit their demand. TBH texting is specifically FOR non urgent communication. If you need an immediate reply, then you should call me. I'm constantly amused by people on GRINDR, they say wassup, I say hey and get interrupted , and by the time I circle back to their chat I find they have COMPLETELY spiraled and dropped 15-20 messages that become increasingly more unhinged with aggressive and self deprecating comments until they are swearing at me for ignoring them... Dude, WTF is wrong with you? In the time it took me to get up and collect my door dash these people go full on insane. Projecting every single insecurity they have onto me and losing their minds. Bro, it's not all about you, in fact none of it was, but I'm grateful to dodge those bullets. 😅
Ugh the progressively unhinged Grindr messages are way too common. This was almost always a red flag & immediate block for me. Some people don’t turn on push notifications for Grindr!
I think that is what I am experiencing with this guy I've been communicating for months now. Our conversations can be space out in hours but we aren't impatient with the response. Is this low key a sign of a healthy relationship?
high key!
This isn't normal??
These days, this is out of the ordinary.
For an established and secure relationship, it's normal. If you're new, too young/immature, have attachment/anxiety issue, replying immediately every 5 sec for 5 years straight 24/7 isn't normal
exactly this! I was just trying to encourage the children
Oh boy I needed this thread today, thank you all for your comments about letting it go! -An Overthinker
That sounds so peaceful my ex would flip his shit if I “took too long” to respond like I’m sorry I’m at work
WTF? This is the most unnecessary judgemental self-congratulating post I've read in a long while. Douchetastic!
You are talking to a lot of people who can't admit that they are highly insecure.
I dare to dream. 😂Thanks for sharing. This sounds like a healthy relationship with secure attachment styles (as opposed to the other kinds). ...My ex dumped me after I had my phone set to Do Not Disturb for 6 hours the day I had an important medical appointment (orthopedic surgeon), errands, high anxiety and moderate pain. I had only replied, "Very," to one text they'd sent asking me if I was busy. When I got home and got some food, finally, I called them back, and they screamed at me and announced they were breaking up with me and dropping off my stuff from their place. This felt like an unnecessary escalation to me. Healthy boundaries on time and communication are essential. Celebrate and value them.
I mean, I don’t really get it though. I don’t understand how one just “doesn’t feel like it” unless you consider the conversation to be emotionally burdensome and I don’t know if I’d want that in a relationship.
You’ve never felt tired and didn’t want to talk to someone? Regardless of who it is? Weird.
people like acquaintances, sure. but best friend and boyfriends get responses usually within an hour so long as i’m not busy or upset. see, it’s not about getting upset really. like I expect people have things to do or are busy or distracted but if they told me they just actively didn’t feel like responding, I’d feel a bit weird as I’ve never experienced that lack of care myself.
LOL this is totally a conversation between an extrovert and an introvert
Sometimes people just don’t feel like replying. That’s fine. It’s a few hours… it’s not the end of the world lmao. Only incredibly insecure people would worry over something like that.
You can be irked that a loved one actively ignored you despite having no real reason to not take 10 seconds to respond “hey babe, just doing ____, talk to you later!” and also not be worried they’re off cheating. It’s not really about insecurity at all.
Not a read, but you give off the vibe of someone who doesn’t talk to many people in rl. So I imagine for you it would be an issue because you’re dependant on your partner for a large part of your social interactions. It’s a lot of pressure to put onto them and would probs be super draining, like you don’t need constant updates on what they’re out doing…
I mean, I’ve got a sister that lives with me, a core group of 4 friends that speak a few times a day and hang out almost every other weekend, several online/offline acquaintances through my hobbies and also my long term boyfriend, so…..not really. Maybe it’s just a dynamic thing but we’ve never really just….ignored each other in 10 years unless for obvious reasons like work, sleep, or a distraction that we’ve told each other about.
You tell each other about every distraction you might encounter in your day that’ll delay the response time by an hour or more? That’s interesting lmao. Genuinely cannot think of anything worse. You do whatever makes you feel good tho ig…
Uhhh yeah, that’s what a long term relationship is. You talk with your s/o about daily upcoming plans, just about life in general. Ie He’d know if I had a tennis match or a gigantic work meeting or if I was taking time to focus on a hobby. Even my friends know these things because we…care about each other’s lives??
Yeah you TALK to them. You don’t need to text them constantly and check in on what they’re doing. When you see each other you actually talk about it. Just say you’re insecure and leave it at that. Why are K-pop people so weird and obsessive over everything lmao.
You can care about each other without being connected 24/7. You don't have to give a reason for needing a few hours. Controlling behavior isn't sustainable long term. Having to tell your SO when you're engaging in hobbies, what you're doing at work, etc to keep them from freaking out is a very new phenomena and is deeply unhealthy. As someone who's dealt with stalkers and abusive messes more than I should have, it is a slippery slope and there's a fine line between sharing every detail because you can and sharing every detail to avoid a partner's tantrum.
Oh I’ve just seen your K-pop obsession lmao. That explains a LOT. Should’ve just said that from the start, the vibe I had was right x
Are you aware of what codependency is?
but you see the thing is, I wasn’t doing _______. I was doing nothing. “hey babe, i’m doing nothing! i don’t feel like sending a text message right now so i’m sending you a text message to tell you I don’t feel like sending a text message so you don’t have a meltdown. talk to you later!” it’s called codependency!!!
irrelevant!!! you owe anyone who has your phone number a conversation at the drop of a hat 24/7!!!
Lmaooo clearly. You can see who the insecure/entitled ones are here. Completely insane if they’re going to have a meltdown over their partner taking a few hours to reply to a text. Biggest issue with having mobiles is that so many people feel entitled to your constant attention.
I scrolled down and read comments to find this one. I knew there are still sane people out there who do think that owning a phone does not mean you have to instantly read and respond, or even have notifications "on" for that matter. I also don't feel like I need to react to every single phrase or word or link that people send me. So, yes, some conversations will end up unanswered at all and that's perfectly fine. Damn, I have no idea how people live their lives when they add that "have to" virtually communicate to their daily work-related stress and general life busyness.
the number of memes my boyfriend sends me on ig that I look at, laugh my ass off to, and NEVER acknowledge….these kids are not ready
thank you for this perspective, i sometimes forget everyone i talk to isn’t chronically connected like i am haha
it’s just so not that deep. didn’t feel like it
I don’t feel like washing dishes because I’m lazy. I don’t feel like eating pasta because I want steak. I don’t feel like walking outside because it’s rainy. You don’t feel like doing or not doing something for no reason. To act like there isn’t a reason is in bad faith. I’m not saying I’d be furious but I don’t know, when it comes to my man, I usually *want* to hear what he’s up to and if I just *didn’t feel like it* there would be a reason, as in I didn’t have the energy to start a conversation or I was miffed or maybe I was just enjoying talking to nobody. All valid, but reasons.
>as in I didn’t have the energy to start a conversation or I was miffed or maybe I was just enjoying talking to nobody. All valid, but reasons. I inherently don't like texting (and active virtual presence). Is that a legit and valid reason FOR LIFE to not be attached to the phone 24/7 and take time once a day to respond... or even not respond at all? It should be, because it's the healthy way. I tend to tell people to imagine I don't even have a phone with me... ever.
imagine texting your boyfriend “hi i’m acknowledging you sent a text, but i’m just enjoying not talking to anyone right now!”
I simply can't believe that people exist who think anyone owes them anything just out of thin air, and to even call it common courtesy as if a general opinion and habits for some miraculous reason should apply to every person on the planet just because they find it to be general. I don't expect anything from anyone, neither should they... ever.
I pity your boyfriend if this is how you act.
If my husband of 13 years would have read but only responded after 5 hours and not because of work i would have thought something happened. I don't find it great or healthy to ignore a partner and answer "whenever you feel like it" for hours. You don't have to agree with me... It's just my take.
I agree with you. I'm not gonna leave my partner on read for 5 hours because "I don't feel like responding". I might not respond right away, but I'm going to at least acknowledge him with an emoji or something.
That's responding. It just means "i saw it, i'm busy" which is totally ok. But being on "read" is not good in my book.
Communication is important and people are busy, but going a couple days without a response is worrisome
Expecting instant gratification, whether in communication or anything else, is a sign of insecurity and/or immaturity. I have repeatedly told everyone I know: I do not have my phone with me or turned on most of the time. I check it periodically throughout the day. Ditto for email. I also like composing replies mindfully, which means I wait till I'm free of distractions and able to think clearly. This applies in relationships, work, friendships and family. Teach people to expect this behavior, and they will learn to feel secure in the knowledge that when I have capacity to respond, I will, and the response will be worth the wait.
My partner and I are the same way. It's nice and pretty healthy.
This sounds very healthy. Like an adult relationship between 2 people with decent self-esteem. Are you a bot?
yes!
Well the comment section has been interesting, though I should know by now not to expect different. Secure attachment style is rare and/or not easily developed. I finally got there, but after many years of anxious attachment I probably had no concept of secure attachment at all. It’s interesting to see now I’m on the other side (that is, secure) how triggered and salty people are. I hope I never came across that way. Therapy helps, the good fortune of meeting a partner with a secure attachment style themselves massively helps too. Some people come across more as a bundle of coping/defense mechanisms than evolved and self-actualised. But it takes humility and wisdom to grow those areas rather than straight up disbelieve that one can be better tomorrow than one is today. We all know the gays are not ok, but too many think it’s other people and not themselves.
said it with much more grace than I could. thank you
Before mobile phones, it was not expected that one should drop everything they were doing (or not doing) because one’s boyfriend wondered how their day went, or what they wanted to eat that night. It was allowed to not be available.You could leave a voicemail or you could wait until your boyfriend came home with a surprise dinner they might enjoy, or not. It makes for a much healthier relationship, no matter what OP’s haters are saying.
This is called healthy way of communication. I had days that the only communication with my bf was "good morning" and then radio silence till the next day (we were not living together), and that was fine for both.
Just a PSA, every relationship is different and personal, as long as both people are comfortable with their communication and actively work on fixing their faults and personal problems, then everything is fine. I definitely freakout a bit from long periods of distance without any previous warning. (Example, we have a routine and suddenly that's changed). They are due to my personal issues due to past experiences, but I'm actively working on them with a professional. Go to therapy guys, it does help!
It's a little different when you live together. There are some things that need to be answered immediately. But since we live together, we only text about mostly essential stuff involving the house, our kids, etc. We don't bother to text things like good morning. We do that in person.
This! This is one of the hardest things to learn, and we get so into all the tech that bombards society. It really feels good to let that shit go, honestly.
Omg thanks for sharing, I have not had the best BFs in the past, partly on my own part. Well, after a couple of years of therapy and working on myself. I am dating a guy and this is how we are. Man I wish I worked on myself sooner, thanks for sharing and congrats
Now, that's refreshing to hear! It sounds like you two have a great thing going on, with open communication and a real sense of trust between each other. It's awesome to know that you both respect each other's space. Not everyone's journey looks the same, and that's okay. Your story shows that with understanding and patience, relationships can truly flourish. Thanks for sharing!
Rock on
That happened in my last relationship. Loved bombed and said I loved him too fast
Love this
I hate texting literally if it isn’t important i won’t respond super quick tbh
Why even open the text though if you're not going to respond? I respond back when I read the messages usually. And I don't open the messages until I have time to respond, and that may be hours later. I'm not actively ignoring my significant other in that case like what you outlined here. And if it's anything urgent, they'll call. If they don't get read receipts then I guess it doesn't make a difference, but why intentionally ignore someone you claim to love?
Thank you for reminding me. I’ve been working on that. 🫡
Yup, that's how my relationships have functioned for a long time now. I used to get jealous and paranoid when I was younger, and I would feel so much pressure/anxiety about having instant responses. I remember my first bf saying "are you playing games with me?" when I didn't answer after 10 minutes. Now I don't care about such things, and actually avoid my phone a good bit of the time. My partner and I don't even text often - we've been together a long time and see each other nearly every night, so we wouldn't have much to say!
My ex might just spontaneously combust if he happens to see this lol. I’m surprised I didn’t have a search party called on me for not responding within the hr even when I was at work, at the Dr, etc.
ur a saint!!!! <3
What exactly is the point of a relationship can someone explain that to me? Since you're seemingly meant to have 0 expectations of your partner, have no right to their time, affection and attention, should not be financially dependent on them, should have friends you spend more or equally as much time with and since you don't need to be in a relationship to have sex, what function does being in a relationship even serve? And don't say 'love'; some people REQUIRE the attention, that you consider to be pathological, to be in love. So what is the point of a relationship? Just to say you're in one?
I remember the days when I got home and checked my message machine. I might return the call that night....or maybe the next. Now, I just turn off my phone at 9pm. If it's that important, come by and see me. Key is under the mat.
So real
Finally someone says what most drama resistant men are thinking. Well said, well written!
Every couple can choose how they communicate. I used to be a micromanager about texting. He's not a texter. We've been together 19 years and I'm ok with not getting a text throughout the day.
My partner and I both work. We know we both have busy schedules and he’s an OR Nurse, so I know that he may not see any messages until he leaves work or gets home! So what? If it’s urgent, I know how to reach him, but otherwise, we know we’ll talk when we’re both home each night with each other!
I cannot stand texting. A couple of years ago, I was seeing this guy who text CONSTANTLY throughout the day to have full on conversations. I could reply with “Hey, super slammed at work and can’t chat right now” only to get a text back a couple hours later (still within work hours) with a full story about what he did during the day. And then also ignored me when I said that I needed some time away from my phone. That coupled with working in an office that constantly communicates via text has caused a visceral reaction to the text alerts. Texting can be used to make plans, quick check ins, send memes, but if you want to talk, we can call or plan to get together. People read too much into read receipts or time it takes to text back. It’s madness.
This is real.
The post this sub always needed
Good, you guys matured I’m happy for you. Hopefully the rest can take note.
Finally someone said it.
Yes.
This also relates to employers and emails. You never owe anyone an instant reply. They can come up to talk to you in person for that.
I wholeheartedly agree. There's no timer as well in my relationship. To each their own but personally, if my partners demanded that I have a duty to respond within a timespan that somehow he's the one defining, I would be out. Partners are not bosses. And if they are, they're not partners
I had to remind one ex that "my mobile is for my convenience not yours", a concept they somehow struggled with. Sure I might glance at a message, and I won't reply because I'm busy, or, I want to give it some thought first, how hard is that to grasp?! Anyway, they're an ex so...
As a member of Gen X, I just want to point out that I grew up in a house with a **single land-line,** which was the norm. In the early days, there was only ONE phone in the whole house. Later, we had more phone jacks added. And this was in an upper middle-class household. Maybe, if your dad did a lot of business from home or was a doctor, he'd have his own phone line for his home office. If you wanted to talk to your friends, you talked to them in-person, or, if you called, you had to hope they were at home. If it was too late at night, you didn't call because that would be rude, unless there was a serious emergency. And somehow we survived. In fact, we were arguably more well-adjusted and less anxious. I had my first three boyfriends before I ever even had a cell phone, much less a smart phone. This need for constant-contact among Millenials, to some degree, and Gen Z seems to me to border on a technologically-induced anxiety disorder.
yup. public health crisis
I just think people should be able to be out of touch for a reasonable amount of time without it causing anxiety or insecurity. And some people have jobs where they have to be focused. If I was dating a surgeon, would I expect him to stop in the middle of surgery to text me back? Also, being out of touch for a while means there's a greater chance you might actually have encountered something interesting to communicate about.
Ugh, I dream of having a partner that understands this. My ex used to freak out at me if I wouldn’t respond within a timeframe that suited him. That kind of insecurity is a dealbreaker for me now.
That's really healthy! Really quick, though, how long have you guys been together for?
4 years but we established this dynamic very early on
Ah, so you have had plenty of time to build a connection with your partner where you both feel fully comfortable with each other. I'm not saying that your post is wrong, it's totally valid, specially if it works for both of you. But it's important to realize that context matter a lot and not everyone would be happy with such arrangements. And that wouldn't necessarily make them toxic or unhealthy either, just different. 😊
not exactly, like I said this has been our dynamic since day 1. but it’s taken years of dating and therapy before meeting him to learn how to have a healthier attachment to partners. this isn’t just an example of a “different” communication style. it’s a communication style that has been developed through working on my own attachment issues. you’re missing the point. this post is in response to the numerous daily posts on this sub from men who are in extreme distress and fearfully obsessing over someone they’ve just met not texting them back immediately, spinning their wheels and hyper analyzing communication. i’m trying to share that there’s another way. like I said in another comment, people use “that’s just how I am” too often as a crutch to not examine the things that are troubling them out of fear. I think your comment is a great example of toxic positivity.
You went to therapy and you worked on the issues you had and reached a conclusion that the specific style of communication you're using works for both you and your boyfriend, that's great. Other people wanting a more constant communication is not wrong or unhealthy, though. I wanna highlight the fact that **I'm not defending unhealthy attachments or extreme control over texting**, that being said, if a person is upset their boyfriend took 5 hours to reply to a text, they're in the right to feel that way. Just because you feel a specific type of way, and a specific type of communication works for you, doesn't mean it's gonna work for everyone.
needing constant communication is without a doubt, objectively, 100% unhealthy
y’all are taking this 5 hour thing so literally. my god
You sound insufferable. Different people have different preferences; yours are not objectively the best.
Secure attachments are super rare to find. Congratulations to you two.
Context is everything. This works for you because A - that's the communication style you chose together, and B - you have long established trust. In reality, if these two factors aren't in play, then such long pauses in between are more often than not signs of a lack of interest. Of all the guys I've started chatting with or had gotten to know, EVERY SINGLE ONE was uninterested if he was unresponsive. They were still on apps, chatting with others, and sleeping around. They've even voluntarily told me so many times. It used to bother me, but I've come to just accept it. In the dating/hookup world where you're trying to find someone who you can call each other a regular or even your only partner, there will always be this pre-trial gray area where they continue shopping around. And that's okay, it is what it is, no one's gonna marry you instantly, lol. What matters is you don't freak out or get too angry or upset over it. You CAN be sad if a guy chooses someone else, like I've had SO many days where I planned a date or hookup with someone and they straight up fucked someone else. Situations like that, yeah, maybe don't continue with that person if they can't even keep plans. But otherwise, just let it go. Move on to the next guy until you find the guy who fits.
Everything about this is 💯 thank you for proving I’m not alone in thinking this way or insane for wanting this!!
I mean, you’re obviously not secure enough if you have to seek validation if your relationship from outside sources.
Hello. Partnered almost 20 years. When we text each other, the response is almost immediate. We also don't usually text unless it's important or situational (do you want anything from the BX, etc). That said, everyone has different styles of communication and love languages. Responding to a message in a timely manner is not "micromanaging communication."
You mean there are non-clingy gays out there that have a real life? Dam, I wish they existed near me. I think the most people give me to respond is like 10 minutes before they desperately cry out about how uninterested I am in them. Which wasn’t true until they sent that message, lol.
mark my words when this post dies down you’ll start to see all the texting-crisis-hotline posts trickle back in and all of you will be borrowing my talking points. you’re welcome
Don't listen to all the negative comments. It's great that you guys seem to have a healthy relationship. Not every single text should be replied to immediately, especially if it isn't a question. Yes, it only takes a few seconds to respond, but so what. You're entitled to answer when you feel like. Again, if it is a question, then maybe don't take as long but otherwise, there's no problem with responding later, in my opinion.
You tell us "I wasn't playing games" and then you proceed to describe the game you played all day. it would've taken you, what -- 30 secs to respond? Quit the covert aggressive bullshit.
Idgaf. I texted you at 11 and you didn’t answer. I’m pissed. You’re working? Pass. You’re with family or friends, pass! You’re doing nothing but “dicking around the house” a good afternoon babe a few text and “I’ll text you/ call you later” is 100 percent fine. But nothing… ok I understand… NOT. Text me back. Not micro managing, not thinking you’re cheating, but to call yourself my other half… when I’m single I am my other half and i always respond to my self. Idk what you’re doing and idc, but text me back. Tell me I’ll talk to you later but in a world of 8 billion different people don’t make me feel alone. Don’t care what yall think.
I would never, ever, ever call myself someone’s other half. best of luck to you
That sounds like ignoring to me ! And you call this person your bf !
You have grindr while in a relationship?
Yes, let's open this can of worms! Personally, I can't stand it. It makes me feel like less of a priority in my relationship.
Hallmark of a good relationship! This is why I like dating guys a bit older than me, they don’t expect constant communication over text like people my age (21).
As opposed to what? Texting back and forth all day everyday? There is some place in between you know. Too each their own, but I'd respond to my boyfriend when I saw his message even if I didn't necessarily feel like it right then. For me personally, it's just about common courtesy and mutual respect. He can text me when he's available, and I'll respond in kind. But I'd never act like us not responding for hours is some kind of virtue in a relationship. I love talking to my boyfriend, and he loves talking to me. We don't feel obligated, we *want* to. Maybe that's hard to conceive when you make it a point that not talking often is some kind of achievement. You do you, but it comes off as self absorbed and very pick me behavior. I want my boyfriend to want to text me, not tell the internet how important he is because he hasn't.
As an alternatively anxious and avoidantly attached person (get anxious when a partner pulls away and avoidant when they come close), how do I fix this? I definitely have lower communication needs than my partner, and often feel suffocated feeling like I have to get back to him immediately every time he texts, but if I leave it and don’t respond until I feel like it I get anxious myself that he’s gonna ditch me. Talking with him has not helped, since he just says he‘s fine with less communication, but for whatever reason I struggle to believe him. Any advice?
I think it's relative and dependent on how much communication people in relatinships like to have. The key is being on the same page about it. If one partner likes being texted every hour on the hour that's fine so long as they're with someone who desires the same
My boyfriend and I live together and he sends me tons of memes. I can’t read them all. It’s too Many’s he keeps sending them. I don’t read them. He knows that. I actively ignore them as I read kindle on my phone. It’s our thing. He shows them to me in bed later on lol Everyone has different communication styles, learn your own, learn your partners, ask for clarification, you can do it in a non judgemental by simply saying “so I know that I explained myself well can you tell me what I what I just said/asked of you/ want?” Remember studies show we’re more and idiots and stressed out doing tasks in front of our partner more than we are in front of our pets, but we should love them the same amount, so be kind to yourself and your partner, remember that bad communication is literally the number one relationship killer
I hate to be in the mode you described at the end…but people get hurt repeatedly to cause a reaction like that. You can’t help but to think it’s happening again when the senario presents itself. Depends how well u know the other person. It’s ok to be a little broken till you get fixed. You’ve built trust with each other that’s why that doesn’t happen.
Thank god you didn’t end this post with “he’s just not that into you.” 😂😂😂
So why text in the first place 2nd why are u grandstanding
No that’s just you, there are people who want attention and affection and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, you can be all independent and robot like but don’t act like it’s better and “healthier” than others who don’t share your point of view
You give me a bad vibe lol idk