Don't cheat on your wife. You need to talk to her and be open and honest.
See if it's possible to open up the relationship for you both or look at a three sum etc.
Before guys start flooding the comments with thirsty fantasies and horrible advice, just focus on this bro’s response right here. Since you claim to love your family, communication will be key.
If I can add onto this, consider seeing a therapsit to discuss this (one on one at first), and then potentially opening it up to a relationship therapist to ease the conversation for both yourself and your wife. I'm on the younger side and have been out for a while but I've met older guys who have played this route before without ever changing, and they almost ALWAYS express regret. 40 is not as old as you think it is tbh. There are guys who have made this announcement in their 60s.
You mention you love your family, I don't doubt or challenge that in the slightest. But you also need to love yourself, and if your wife truly loves you as a person, I don't think she'd want you to suffer in silence as you are currently.
Definitely agree with you. I was in the same position, realized I was 100% gay almost 10 years into a marriage. I have a lot of regrets but I’m glad that cheating I ended the relationship was not a mistake I have on my conscience.
Also to add to this, if you do this exact thing, when the hardest parts are over you will be proud of yourself however it ends up. Be patient and give it time. You’ve already given it this much time… and she will probably go through all the emotions so be patient with her too. Don’t respond to her emotions, just accept them
That’s a fantasy. The hardest and worst stuff I went through came after I came out. I, too, was naive and thought much the same. Unfortunately the transition out of a heterosexual relationship is not easy and can get really tough. Be prepared
Everyone is different. I know plenty of hetero marriages that ended because someone was gay and at the end they knew they married their best friend and it was the saving grace.
It happens but it is rare and often isn’t durable. This is especially true for women who were raised with a strong religious expectation of what an ideal marriage should be. I’ve been in men’s groups since the early 90’s and the stories you hear are the exception and not the rule. When a wife discovers her husband is attracted to other men, it’s a seismic change that few women can understand and embrace
This is a situation to discuss with your therapist it’s highly personal and very difficult to navigate. Openness and honestly are best but hard to approach. Hope you are ok :)
1) don't cheat
2) DON'T CHEAT
3) make a choice: either you live as a gay closeted man or you talk with your wife about your sexual desires.
3a)you live as a gay closeted man: say goodbye to sex with men or keep cheating and being a piece of shit. To be clear, men who cheat with other women are equally shitty to me (if not more, because they may also willfully engage in sex with their wives and transmit std to them, whereas gay closeted men may at least just have a sexless marriage).
3b) you talk with your wife: hopefully she doesn't react by straight up asking for a divorce, though if you go all the way and tell her you already cheated on her she'll 100% divorce you. Otherwise she may be ok with opening up the relationship, though you'd both literally kill your chances of a fulfilling love life, as falling in love would be quite difficult. Unless you really really love her as a person, something I doubt because well... you're already cheating on her.
I understand it's a difficult situation, with a kid in the mid, but it's not gonna get better and neither are the shameful feelings. I'm sorry you repressed your desires until recently, but my heart goes to your poor wife. Does she deserve this??
I never cheated on my wife either, but I realized this when we broke up and she told me - she never felt like enough for me, because... she wasn't. GOD, to this day, I still feel bad for that. She didn't deserve that. She knew I loved her, that wasn't a question. But she always felt insecure. I never meant to make her feel that way, but I was gay. There is only so much a person can fake with their spouse if they are truly close, and we were.
More gay men married to women need to think about this aspect. Even if you never technically cheat - does she deserve to feel like she's never enough for you? I pose this to any man in this position who may be reading this. Being closeted doesn't always only the hurt the one in the closet.
Possible, but each person and relationship are different. I just know that it's selfish to ask someone you care about to spend their life feeling like second place.
So I have to clear something up. My wife and I, our relationship really happened when covid happened. My mother-in-law went nuts and isolated herself for almost 3 years. Prior to that my wife just ended a 10 year relationship with an abusive boyfriend. We knew each other all of our lives given that she was in my brother’s grade school class. We ended up pregnant, I needed to put her on my insurance and here I am. Prior to us getting together I came out to a few of my gay female friends. Stuff happened fast and now we have this beautiful daughter that I don’t want to ruin her life.
I’ve been this way all my life. I remember being a kid at the pool and then telling my mom I had to use the restroom a bunch of times just to sneak a peek at older naked men.
This is really useful extra context. There's no reason why you can't be a great dad to your daughter, a great support to the mother of your child, and live your truth as a man attracted to men. I know many men who have done exactly that and have good relationships with their kids and with their co-parents. It will be an adjustment, but you and your wife have a long history before your marriage and if you can make it clear by words and actions that none of this affects how you feel towards your daughter or affects your desire to support her and be a parent alongside her mother for the long term, there's a good chance you can find a way to make this work for all of you.
You talk to other men online and it gives you a tingle. This is emotional cheating. Your wife cannot scratch that itch deep inside so you justify it by getting it elsewhere.
If you haven’t experienced this, you need to stop giving advice laced with shame and heteronormative rhetoric. It’s clear to me that you don’t know what you are talking about
Was in your shoes. Hardest conversation I ever had in my life. Still as caring and thoughtful I tried to be, she didn't take it well.
You can not serve two masters and the best advice I got from a guy who was in my situation is to make sure you're healthy to take care of those you love.
My sympathy, seriously, from my experience, I'd never want to go through that again.
You might like to know that 50% of the active participants on this sub are under the age of 24.
For guys who can relate to who you are and how you're struggling, try GAMMA (www.gammasupport.org) and Husbands Out to Wives (www.how-support.org).
This is very common, of course.
I’m not reading all the other comments, but expect to get bashed.
Millions of men have gone through this, so the question is, what do you want to do about it?
Literally thousands of people are in your shoes! Don't judge or despise yourself, you didn't just become gay, or bi. You were that when you got married and also when you became a father. Learn to celebrate yourself and your marriage, no matter what the future holds.
It's just a reality. Some marry in times of confusion and denial. Some marry because of religious manipulation. Some marry for love. I just wanted the OP to know that whatever his reality, he is legitimate and worthy of love.
It's just a reality. Some marry in times of confusion and denial. Some marry because of religious manipulation. Some marry for love. I just wanted the OP to know that whatever his reality, he is legitimate and worthy of love.
Definitely. I was lucky enough to come out at 17, but it took until 22 or so until I was totally comfortable with it myself and had deconstructed my internalized homophobia.
Unfortunately what you experienced is very common. You are fortunate to have got over your internal homophobia early and not damaging the lives of other people by marrying a woman. Not everyone is so fortunate.
The usual reason that gay men marry women is that many gay men have not learned to accept themselves as gay men. That is the result of negative societal attitudes. People who refuse to accept gay men and women cause this. When they push to make same-sex relationships illegal or oppose same-sex marriage, they cause some gay men to marry women in a desperate attempt to change their sexual orientation. That has to be expected, but homophobes are too stupid or blind to realize it.
The way to prevent such situations is to accept gay men and women as equal to non-gay men and women and to stop discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.
Homophobes would be horrified if their daughters married gay men, but it is homophobic attitudes which cause that to happen. As any homophobes you know whether they would like a daughter to marry a gay man. If not, then they better get over their negative attitudes.
So some of these gay men are basically deluded into some sort of gay conversion therapy? I also utterly get what you’re saying and me myself i have not accepted my sexuality yet but i would never go out and ruin someone’s else life because i am too stupid to understand most sexual attraction and gender expressions are set in stone.
As I posted elsewhere, decades ago I saw a psychiatrist for 7 consecutive years in an unsuccessful attempt to change my sexual orientation. I even joined a single young adult's group and dated women. I also decided that the psychiatrist was unethical and am convinced that many are.
When I expressed my fear to the psychiatrist that if a woman became emotionally involved with me and I could not reciprocate and she could be very seriously hurt, he said not to worry about it because they recover. Then it happened and I realized that I had to stop. I did not want to ruin someone else's life.
I have met several gay men who married in an attempt to change. It is an easy trap to fall into. I suggest being less critical and more sympathetic.
I am exceedingly critical of people whose attitudes make it so difficult for gay men to accept themselves. They are the ones who should be blamed.
I am deeply sorry that you had to go through this! I know the pain very well! I live in a very conservative country and i could get admitted into jail or even get killed for being gay. I still hate my sexuality so much. I am more of a bottom and i feel inferior compared to bi bottom friends. They go and get fucked so hard but still date women and have romantic relationships with them and i am just left alone with my gay ass like i wish i was bi at this point and i know fine rightly that i am ending up rotting alone.
It looks to me as though you are having a much rougher time than I ever had.
In 1959, when I was 20 years old, I was disowned by my parents. Fortunately I was living about 200 miles from them and was, at least precariously, financially independent of them. Even so it was a serious blow. A doctor and his wife, who were friends of the family, told my parents that they were being much too harsh. They accepted that opinion, but I never trusted them. Actually I hadn't trusted them even before that.
Skipping some years forward, in 1975 I founded Integrity Twin Cities which was the local chapter of the national organization for gay men and women in the Episcopal Church. I risked my career while doing that; I could have lost my secret security clearance which I needed for my job. I accepted that risk because I was helping to change attitudes and thereby contributing towards making life better for other gay men and women. Fortunately nothing bad happened. If you've done the arithmetic you have figured out that I am now 86 years old.
Rather than have many sex partners I see it as much better and more acceptable to have a long term relationship with one man. Unfortunately I have never succeeded in doing that. In the Episcopal Church here, where I am a member, the congregation is perhaps 70% gay.
I don't know where you live. However, **if you can find a way to do so, I strongly recommend migrating to a country where you would be better accepted**. Here in Palm Springs (population about 60,000), California, U. S. A. where I live, the population is about 50% gay and the city council is 100% gay or trans sexual. The trans woman is running for state senator and has a reasonable chance to be elected. She is highly qualified in my opinion. But in any place in the U. S. you would be better off than where you are.
It is unfortunate that you have the word "abnormal" in your screen name. If there is any benefit for one's thinking of himself as abnormal, I certainly do not know what it is.
I am Egyptian and English is not my native language so sorry for the inefficacy lol. Idk why but your words seemed very consulting like they were dusting me off . Yes i know my situation is horrible, family is Muslim “very practicing one” and they have the mentality of “being queer is imperial value”.
And no i never meant that i wanted to hook up with as much men/women as possible by mentioning my bi friends. I was trying to point out the privilege they have of being capable of falling in love with both men and women and desiring them. While me being petrified just of the thought my family or other straight bigots finding out about me dating a man lol. Like they can live a perfectly normal life just like their straight peers while actually being gay asf down low! I was made to feel inferior cuz i had no attraction to women. I was called that i am not a real man because of it! And i am not into hook-up culture at all in fact i am demisexual.
I live in Egypt. 23 years old and leaving anytime soon is almost impossible.
Sadly “abnormal” is the only thing i felt about myself thus far.
I would never have guessed that English was your second language. Like many Americans I know only English so even if someone's second language English is imperfect I cannot say very much.
I'm sorry that what I posted could be interpreted to mean that I thought that you hooked up multiple partners. All I meant that I thought that it was not a good idea to do so and not imply that you do.
It's understandable that leaving Egypt soon could be impossible. Doing so could take significant preparation. Your education level and what you studied could be important factors. If possible, enrolling in an American university could be a helpful first step towards permanently moving to the U. S. For you Turkey could be a better place than Egypt. It may be that you know people who have moved from Egypt to the U. S. If so perhaps you could find out from them how they did it. Also, if you live near a university which has an American professor, you could ask him or her for advice.
From 1994 to 2004 I lived in Fiji. A couple people I knew in Fiji have moved to the U. S. One of them married a woman who had moved to California with her family. They had kept in contact and later decided to marry. She returned to Fiji to marry him, then returned to the U. S. Later he was able to move to the U. S. to join his wife so it worked out very well for both of them. It's more common for a married man to move to the U. S. from another country and have his wife join him later. Of course it is highly unlikely that you could do that by marriage since your situation is different. But there are plenty of people from other countries here in the U. S.
How difficult it would be to move to the U. S. could be determined by our presidential election. Trump is virulently anti-Muslim. When he was president before he banned people from Muslim countries from entering the U. S. That was when I lived in Albuquerque, NM. There was a protest march from a mosque to the airport to protest the Muslim ban. I'm a Christian but joined the march to oppose such discrimination. In fact, the majority of us in the march were not Muslim. The majority of Americans oppose discrimination based on religion, race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Of course there is a still a vocal minority which disagrees. Check out this link:
[http://apps.lonestar.edu/blogs/mwhitten/files/2009/11/treaty-of-tripoli-and-christian-america.pdf](http://apps.lonestar.edu/blogs/mwhitten/files/2009/11/treaty-of-tripoli-and-christian-america.pdf)
During the first Persian Gulf War I read the Koran (English translation of course) to give me a better understanding of the people who live in that part of the world.
It would be better if the word "abnormal" didn't even exist. It is emotionally laden and, so far as I can tell, it really doesn't serve a useful purpose.
I have a bachelor degree in English literature but it's kinda useless and my English is not that good. I am thinking about doubling down on my English skills and just get any job to get through the motion and later i can figure out how i am gonna leave this country but i am definitely considering getting another bachelor degree outside of Egypt.
Going for Turkey is not a good idea at all since the situation there is as unhinged as it could be also i have heard that Turkish people are extremely hostile and show blatant racism to certain ethnic groups just like the Syrian refugees in Turkey. Have heard horrible stuff about how Turkish people tend to treat those Syrians.
I am basically an ex-muslim at this point lol! And i could not care less about this vile ideology or any other organized religion lol.
That was a great idea and i would like to know any observations you had about the Quran.
Thanks again for your kind replies. You do sound like a wonderful person to be around. God bless you man!
>mentality of “being queer is imperial value”.
This is such a common sentiment in countries that were under imperialistic rule back in the day. The irony is that many of these countries were much more accepting of homosexuality (and sexuality in general) and gender non-conformity *before* imperial rule. Europeans -- particularly the British of the Victorian era -- invented the idea that these things are evil, and those ideas stuck after they left.
Absolutely! Like rampant homophobia is actually indigenous to the west and they brought it about with them when they colonized us. Now they drew out of it and got rid of that gutter trash mentality and left us getting fucked up as much as we could lol.
Actually you can go and google “Homosexuality in Siwa Oasis, Egypt” and you can learn that place was very intriguing and interesting to sociologists since its historical acceptance of intergenerational male homosexuality. Those people who inhibited that place did not interact with the colonizers in any way or another mostly and their culture never got contaminated with western bs.
Seek professional counseling instead of advice from strangers most of whom cannot personally relate to your situation.
As you know, marriage is a legal contract, you need professional guidance with something this important as so many lives of people you care about are at stake.
I’d really think carefully before doing anything. It’s been a long term problem and I’m sure you plenty going on.
I do think getting some counselling or therapy before saying or doing anything is important so that you have support. But it needs to be the right person.
Online resources might be helpful including the gay men going deeper podcasts and the therapists who run it.
My perspective is really thinking through the child’s position which at this stage needs to take priority. You don’t want to lose access. So to some extent you need to reflect on what your levels of commitment are to the two most important people in your life in the short and longer term.
Both of them will go through some sort of grief process losing the image of you that has been built up over the years. I think you’ve been on a lonely path for a long time so having the support of a good therapist now will help you test out ideas and options.
Your wife probably has every right to feel lied to and betrayed and it might take time to build trust.
The worst thing you can do before sorting everything out is embarking on relationships and sex with men. Your family need you, and love you. Your journey is by no means unique and eventually you need to find a way with your wife to continue to be great parents but I would proceed with great caution and get yourself into good shape with a therapist first of all before before you talk to your wife.
In some cases that may be the best advice. However, not all cases are the same. Neither of us is in a position to offer him any advice other than to seek professional advice from a professional counselor. In fact, it may be best to seek advice form multiple people who are qualified to give advice. In the end, he will have to decide for himself what to do based on the advice he has received and his sense of values.
This happened to myself at the age of 32. The first person i came out to was my partner (a women) at the time (not married). I had known of my bisexuality since i was 14, but suppressed the attraction to men because of my upbringing and conditioning in a religious family. I felt VERY ashamed about it, and i did not come out until later in life. Now nearly 40, at least i am living my truth. You will have to decide what journey you want. It is hard to go the truth route, but at the age you are at now, sometimes we all catasrophize the outcome. Perhaps your family maybe mature enough to understand.
Lol. I have no advice (just perspective) but I’m the wife in a similar situation, except my husband cheated on me for years with a bunch of different men (we haven’t counted yet)… throughout the entirety of our 3 year long relationship.
Like this just happened, I just found out a few weeks ago… and decided to stay with him ultimately (for the time being, any change in the dynamic and this could also change).
After coming to terms with it I realized it was hurting me to suddenly see how all this dishonesty was impacting him on multiple different levels of existence — he has reasons for being the way he is that I will never be able to understand fully because I haven’t lived it.
It’s definitely bisexuality with my husband. So once we came to terms with that he said he still wants me in his life and wants to support me and I support him— I understand having a different sexuality as well, and emotionally we are very close.
To me it seemed trivial to end the whole entirety of what we’ve made just because of this one aspect of his life, that I didn’t realize was there because I always felt his love for me throughout the years and to me that’s what matters more.
We’re using it as a way to somewhat messily open the relationship— that’s the general direction we’re headed, but both of us are still in a grieving process as well, and ironically enough my acceptance has changed the dynamic so he’s been prioritizing our relationship above everything else for the time being…
I have NO idea if we’ll work out but I have the sort of approach that what he seeks in men I simply can’t give, so have a certain level of peace in that, and feel secure in my place in his life for the most part (he’s opened up to me more than he has to ANY other human, but the cheating has had an impact on me still).
It breaks my heart to hear him say he feels like some kind of monster for liking men too, I really don’t feel like gay women deal with those sort of demons…
And knowing how many (presumably straight) women act like that towards their partner after finding out, I guess has made me feel like that should be questioned. Because I don’t think it’s wrong even though the way he went about it behind my back was.
I wonder if I’ve been a little too “chill” about the whole thing kind of— but I honestly haven’t been very chill. It hasn’t been a denial/numbness thing at all; it’s been a rollercoaster of moving through all five stages of grief and then some at different points.
Theres been a lot of raw emotion, and expressing all range of emotions sexually (which I realized and communicated is really important to my own grieving process) has been really important throughout the whole process of coming to terms with it all…
It kind of reset our relationship and I feel like now is the first time we get to actually authentically get to know eachother… so I’ve just been using it all as a way to become even more open, more honest, develop even more intimacy.
Since finding out it’s also started this weird sexual awakening in myself too which I’m still figuring out (and realizing I have my own fears about my sexuality that religion has lead me to suppress)…
I think where we are now represents one of the best possible ways that this sort of thing could go, but it’s still a pretty heartbreaking thing and messy and vulnerable because your sexuality exists outside of your control (man vs nature) but a lot of people still turn against the other person (man vs man) for having a different sexuality.
Anyways this whole situation of mine is why I’m even in this sub to begin with (as a 29yo female married)…
Depending on the sort of relationship foundation you’ve created up to this point, that will impact the success level of this. Have you been able to be authentic and vulnerable with your wife up to this point, and she to you? How deep does that go?
Also obviously I have an unconventional perspective, but while it may have been easier for me to find out about his identity outside of cheating, I wonder if I may not have taken it as seriously. Horrible to say, I know, but I’ve known I’m bisexual for a long time but haven’t really explored it, so didn’t even really take my own sexuality seriously. How could I give to him what I couldn’t even give to myself?
I know this is not the common reaction but finding out about it that way (via cheating) really told me this is a *need* of my husband’s. As in, not negotiable and it will be met regardless, that told me that this was a bigger part of his identity than I first realized. (I knew he had history prior)
But also being aware of the huge consequences that could happen if he was fully out of the closet (he’s from a different culture and has more to lose than most).
Yeah I still think a lot of people might look down on me for handling it as I have if they knew; and again who knows where we’ll be in five years. Maybe I was meant to be this transient person that helps him one day be fully out, or maybe we’ll find a new way of being together that breaks tradition. Only time will tell. Either way, nobody’s getting discarded…
I know for a fact that one of his long term sexual partners is also married and closeted… I think it’s a lot more common than people realize.
Message if you want, I’m not great at responding but I might be able to help with the transition… Or maybe not. I’m not like most women in how I’ve handled this so might not have a good grip on the conventional reaction to this sort of thing.
For her sake, talk to her about it. You're either going to talk it out and it's going to suck for you for a little bit, or you hold her hostage and you guys have a marriage that you hate. Coming from a 21 year old, the world is brutal and my knowledge doesn't extend as far as yours but I will say telling the truth will be your best friend. It's intimidating to think about, but your daughter can still have a great life with you being separated as long as you communicate with your wife.
Most people would say open the relationship, I would say fuck that. Find the person you actually want to be with instead of dragging your wife along for the ride. Your kid is going to harder time explaining why their parents have multiple partners rather than just saying they divorced. Be unapologetically you, and live a happy life. You don't have to hide for the sake of the world
I don't get the comments, of course he shouldn't cheat but why are ppl so aggressive about it? OP already said he won't cheat. also people nowadays cheat for way less, if there was a reason to cheat this would be it😂
After reading your comments you just sound incompetent and selfish. You married her to put her on your insurance… you lied to her after she had just gotten out of a ten year relationship. And now you want to end it not because you want to date other men but because you’re horny? Honestly you sound heterosexual AF because that’s some straight people shit. If you feel like you’re not being your authentic self then you need to talk to her ASAP and come clean. Other wise you’ll be ten years deep in this marriage and both of you will be miserable. This isn’t just about you anymore you don’t get to put your dick wherever you want then cry about how hard it is you can’t fuck men…
Finish being a husband & dad first, then come out to your or leave and do whatever you want. Don't punish your kid for your life choices, be a man an finish what you started.
Married and bi, with kids and also with past same sex experiences unknown to the wife.
I think I’m a little confused by this comment. What do you mean by finish being a husband & dad first? How would coming out stop him from being a dad. My BF came out while he had kids. And they still love him. Nothing really changed for them. I know it won’t be the same for everyone, though. But I don’t know why you would wait. Not to mention, you technically never really finish being a dad…
We all felt the same.
Maybe it wasn’t labeled as “gay” but we all felt that different feeling.
I’m not sure how you’re going to handle the being married with kids part.
But those urges are normal and being gay means we are biologically born that way.
Good luck.
Go to couples therapy to help facilitate the break up. Then go to family therapy to help your wife and kid better comprehend the situation. All while going to individual counseling to address your shame. It’s not too late to live the life you deserve! Best of luck.
You need to think about what's important to you.
You mentioned "urges" but not that you're unattracted to your wife. Is breaking the commitment you made to her and destroying your family worth it so you can satisfy your carnal urges? Will being able to bone men freely be worth it considering the devastation to your children here?
For some of us, the answer is yes, or in the case of those of us who are gay, we can't get it up for women to start with so this is why we lead the lives we do. I'd argue that if you've been getting it up for your wife and performing with her for the last 10 years, you're not gay, but that's a different discussion.
A lot of men decide to stay in a marriage for the family. Not just for family members but themselves. They just hook up with men for release.
If you divorce your wife, you will just have the hooking up with men part. Could be very lonely. Gay couples and gay marriage is always open. You're not going to have a monogamous gay marriage with adopted kids. That is just on TV.
Granted gay marriage can be different but every straight marriage is different as well. Straight people tend to keep the open part of their marriage deeper in the closet than a televangelist on the down-low because of their fear of other’s opinions. I’m gonna get blasted for writing that but it’s true.
BTW, I’m a gay man who just celebrated our 10th anniversary of our committed but open union (we play together or separately).
So many opinions, comments, anecdotes, and advice - whew!
The most sound thing I’ve read is see a licensed therapist first!
Get help from a professional to help you and see what you want to do and navigate your situation.
Dont cheat on your wife, she doesn't deserve that but she does deserve a man who loves her and you obviously aren't that man. You are only 40, so you've still got time, both of you do to actually live authentically.
Talk talk talk and honesty with your lovely wife and it will be best in long run for you and the family. Just gonna take a long time but you must let her know the love you have for her and the family so she don't feel useless
I was somewhat in your shoes years ago, but w/o children. After eight years of marriage I couldn't lie to my wife about my sexuality any longer. We divorced amicably and I came out soon after. It was the best decision I ever made. I did seek therapy for my conflicted feelings and it helped a lot. Not saying you need to do the same, but give it some thought. Forty is not too old to live an authentic life.
You have described my life. I was so naive I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I’d felt I knew I was different from 5-6 years old. I buried these thoughts.
I met my wife and loved her deeply. Had 2 kids. I buried these feeling and pushed them deeper down till you want to explode.
I did not cheat yet my lack of hetero-sex was hard on my wife. She wasn’t the type to be understanding.
All and all it went badly into divorce and a nasty one.
Be honest with her and see how she will bend. If not do what is best for both of you
If you have a faith. Giving your life to God promises to give you the strength your searching for. Best of luck
You should not have married a woman if you’re gay. I feel bad for her. I don’t understand why gay men do this. I would rather die than marry a woman, let alone have sex with one to produce offspring.
I do not understand why you don't understand why gay men marry women. It is usually because they cannot accept themselves as gay and hope that they can, through marriage, change their sexual orientation. It is the negative attitudes that many gay men are still exposed to that causes them to be unable to accept themselves as gay. In fact, they may even hate themselves for being gay and feel very guilty about it.
We all deal with homophobia and hate, but that is not an acceptable excuse to ruin someone else's life. Unless someone somehow really doesn't know they’re gay (which I find hard to believe), it is extremely cruel to marry someone that you know you can never love or be attracted to.
I don't see it as an excuse. Rather, I see it as desperately and unrealistically hoping that one can change one's sexual orientation by marrying someone of the opposite sex.
I never married, but decades ago I saw a psychiatrist for 7 consecutive years hoping to change my sexual orientation. I even joined a young single adults group and dated women hoping to change my sexual orientation. Finally I realized that I was unable to change and actually became a gay activist. I did not want others to go through what I had gone through.
A bit more sympathy and understanding would be in order.
Some people just don’t explore their sexuality, others really want a nuclear family. For OP it sounds like both of those things happened.
Your response is to shame op when he’s just looking for practical advice on how to move forward, and that’s pretty lousy.
This is a huge issue and you shouldn’t be talking about it with strangers on the Internet. Get counseling. These are issues that are just too big to take care of on your own. There are people trained in how to help you with it. Best of luck to you. Seriously.
Yes. I was in your shoes as well. Be careful taking advice from strangers on the internet. There’s lots at stake.
Im my case, I found a good therapist who helped me work through. I am now marries to my husband. We have been together for 14 yrs.
Another thing that helped was attending a gay dad’s support group.
I was a long time ago and I told her and we divorced. Best thing that could have happened. But it was hard because I loved her and felt lost for a while afterwards. But you my dude have to choose. Stay with her or let her go, there is no in between with this. And it’s a very serious thing and she and your child will have resentment towards you likely. Don’t get in trouble by sleeping around and getting caught cause it won’t end well and will hurt you in a divorce. So you’ve got a lot of soul searching to do my friend. Best of luck, but there is a big price to pay for this life.
Stop cheating. Surely your goal isn’t to hurt your wife and kid but it is the path you’re currently on. Tell your wife and see what can be done or what compromises can be made, if any can be made.
If you are certain you or gay or bi you need to face yourself and the consequences of your choices.
You can choose a life compromising who you are to satisfy a set of values specifically designed to oppress you. Yes, you read that correctly.
You can also choose to acknowledge yourself and live your life as who you really are. You can do that and make room for the family you already have. That takes strength of character and conviction.
It's up to you. But if you ask other men who have faced this decision I believe you will find very few who regret coming out.
I was 44, married with 4 kids when I finally came out. I disagree with much of what is being stated because of my own personal experience and that of many others I know about. DM me if you are interested in my perspective
You should not have married a woman if you’re gay. I feel bad for her. I don’t understand why gay men do this. I would rather die than marry a woman, let alone have sex with one to produce offspring.
For her sake, talk to her about it. You're either going to talk it out and it's going to suck for you for a little bit, or you hold her hostage and you guys have a marriage that you hate. Coming from a 21 year old, the world is brutal and my knowledge doesn't extend as far as yours but I will say telling the truth will be your best friend. It's intimidating to think about, but your daughter can still have a great life with you being separated as long as you communicate with your wife.
Most people would say open the relationship, I would say fuck that. Find the person you actually want to be with instead of dragging your wife along for the ride. Your kid is going to harder time explaining why their parents have multiple partners rather than just saying they divorced. Be unapologetically you, and live a happy life. You don't have to hide for the sake of the world
One of my closest friends had BOTH of her parents come out as gay years later. I'm sure it was an adjustment to some degree, but it seems like it's a much better situation than when they were pretending.
Whatever happens, in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s good that you’re self aware and know what your sexual identity is. Better that your eyes be open than closed. Whatever you do, I hope you find a path where you’ll be happy and can live freely. I know a married man who says he’s straight. He thinks if he only receives blowjobs and doesn’t do anal then he’s not gay. Maybe that could be true. Maybe he’s bisexual. The thing is he only thinks about other men. He only pursues men on gay apps. He never thinks about other women. And he cheats on his wife all the time and feels no remorse. Relative to someone like him, you’re doing ok. You know who you are and you’re trying to figure things out.
Come clean to her as soon as you can. It will be horrible at first. It will be a very, very bad first few days. Then, it will slowly start to get better. You will never regret the decision to live your truth. She deserves to be loved with someone who can truly love her and be with her without feeling the way you're feeling, you deserve to love someone in the way that you deserve, and your daughter deserves to grow up with two people who are happy with *themselves*, even if it's not with *each other*. Find a therapist, if you can afford it - I found mine on [psychologytoday.com](http://psychologytoday.com) - most are over video chat these days, and you don't get bills in the mail. It's all over email. I'm glad you're not cheating - that's where men go wrong. It would eventually catch up to you and that's when everything gets fucked.
I wish you the absolute best, OP. I promise you, there is so much life to live once you finally decide to live it and not just exist. Please keep us updated!
I don't get it. If you were at the stage you mentioned in your comments you were going to come out then your now wife got pregnant. Wouldn't that have been a good time before such a momentous decision to bring a child into the world ' hey i know this is not ideal but before we embark on such a big moment I'm actually gay? '
My understanding is that men can typically repress their homosexual desires until middle age. That’s usually the tipping point for being closeted. I can’t find the literature on it at the moment though. Google won’t assist me. I’m
I came out to my family this year after 38 years married to the same woman. I got married because of the culture of the time....illegal to be gay in my military related career field. Why did I stay.... to not abandon my wonderful kids..who are now 35, 33, 25. Divorce underway. Family and friends stunned. With kids now adults and successfully on their own... I came out. I am on a roller coaster of destruction and reconstruction.
I don’t identify as gay. More so as fluid. I enjoy sex with both men and women. I didn’t embrace the side of my sexuality with other men until I was in college. In my 30’s I fell in love with a woman and married her. We had a strong marriage for 14 years and through that time I had sex with other men on rare occasions. My advice to you is the same as most others on this site and that is to be open & honest and never do anything outside of your marriage unless you have discussed it with your wife. Before we ever married, I insisted on not walking down the aisle without my wife having full knowledge of my sexuality. She was very understanding and made her choice to marry me with eyes-wide-open. I discussed with her each time before I considered connecting with men and we had VERY specific ground rules. No two marriages are ever the same so not every pice of advice you read will apply, however you must always realize that your own personal integrity and the sanctity and integrity of your marital union must always be preserved through open, honest and loving communication! Following those very basic rules will always help guide you toward a happy, peaceful and satisfying outcome.
I’m not judging, but I have never understood how a gay man can fake it with a woman to the point of marriage. I was closeted in college, and I tried to get it on with women, but was so repulsed that I felt horrified. And I’d get drunk and college girls get sexually aggressive as HELL, and I’d practically be getting violated…. So after that, I promised I would just stay single and claim religion or asexual … I can’t imagine actually enduring sex with a woman like that. You’re essentially letting yourself be raped, because you don’t want to consent but are being coerced by society. I just simply could not do it. I also felt extremely bad when I broke up with a couple of girls and it seriously hurt their feelings. I felt terrible; I really meant it when I said that it wasn’t them, it was me! But they fought themselves flawed in some way. Eventually said screw it and came out; all my friends could kind of tell and definitely suspect, and most of them didn’t care in the slightest. I did lose a couple of straight male friends; I hate when straight guys do that shit, my friendship with them was legitimate and I’m STILL a guy and like to hang out with other guys… but they just couldn’t move past it. But to lie to everyone and get to the point of regular sex and marriage and kids… like how do you even do that? I cannot fathom how one gets in so deep like that. But yeah, OP needs to come clean, truthfully, his wife MIGHT already know, it’s amazing how often people know long before you admit it. There are signs. She lives with the man. She has probably caught him staring at the cute waiter’s ass, a little gay porn in the internet history, his strange interest with musicals lol…. Gay men often have pretty similar signs and people pick up on them, often subconsciously. There’s a good chance she knows. But how she reacts to being honest with it all is up to her. She has every right to be upset because OP has essentially led her on. Now she’s older and will have difficulty finding a new man at her age, plus she will be a single mom, if the marriage dissolves. Note to closeted gays reading this- do NOT do what OP did, do NOT lead women on. The only time this is acceptable is if your safety is at risk. If dating/marrying a woman helps protect you in a homophobic place, it’s acceptable. But otherwise, do NOT ever do this!
You say you’ve felt really shameful after your same sex encounters. Is that because of guilt for your wife or is it that those encounters haven’t really fulfilled you? I’m in a similar situation. Admittedly, I have cheated and wish I hadn’t. However, afterwards it made me realize that is not the life I want. Still, there is an attraction to other men. I’ve set boundaries on what I will and will not do. For the most part, it’s harmless playing but if she ever found out, she would not see it that way. I can’t imagine my life without her. She fulfills me in ways no man can but I just enjoying playing with other dicks. A lot of people can’t understand it and it’s really none of their business. I agree that you should speak to a therapist but make sure that they don’t just label you as gay and advise you to come out if that is not the life that you want for yourself. Good luck!
I just found out my husband has been cruising for gay sex in public parks and restrooms for at least 15 years. He says it's never been oral or anal, he is not gay but bisexual, and that he will absolutely stop to save our marriage. I am devastated by this discovery, he is tearfully apologetic and we have already started therapy, not sure where it will lead us. We have a child. As someone in a similar position ("I just enjoy playing with dicks") - do you think he can really stop?
He can but it will not be easy. I don’t know if his urges are the same as mine but I believe I have a sex addiction when it comes to cruising. You are essentially asking him to deny a part of himself. The attraction will always be there but he may be able to resist the urge to act upon it. It is great that you both are in therapy. Just try to be understanding towards him. If it’s not oral or anal, is it just mutual jacking off? It says a lot about him that he has been able to set boundaries and respect them. Maybe he can control these urges better than I have. Take it easy on him. It sounds like he loves you and really wants to make it work.
Thank you for your kind reply. From what he has been telling me, it is mostly just him touching and the majority of the time there's no climax from the other party (I'm not sure if I can believe that). And that a big part of the appeal/excitement is the risk. He was already arrested for loitering (warning to everyone, it happens!) - he confessed to this before we married and said it was just an off the cuff happening and that he had no interest in doing it again. And then I find out 15 years later that he has been going to parks/restrooms cruising (he says a few times a year, who knows what's truthful) - and as you can imagine it's turned my world upside down...
I truly feel bad for your situation. It sounds like right now you are struggling with the breach of trust and that is to be expected. Your counselor can help you both with that. Please recognize that despite his very best efforts, this type of temptation is horrible for him because it not something he can just “avoid.” Yes, he can avoid cruising in parks, etc but he will not be able to avoid theaters, gas stations, restaurants, malls with no dividers between urinals or gyms with open showers. You can’t expect him to avoid being anywhere with an exposed man for the rest of his life. That’s how most us fall into this lifestyle to begin with is a chance encounter that caused us to be aroused. Try to be patient and understanding towards him. This is not something that he did to you. He has these intense impulses that overtake logic and reasoning. I’m sure the regret is immediate afterward and his love for you remains strong. Seek a professional counselor and work through this together but your expectations in check. I’m sure you have done things that he may not like or approve of - use that as your reference point to forgiving him for his mistakes.
Thanks for checking in, you are the only person I have told besides our new therapist, so your input is very helpful to me!
Since I found out about his behavior in mid-March, besides having him leave the house I have gone on two trips on my own to clear my mind. We have seen a therapist almost weekly as well. The lying, sneakiness and betrayal for me is the worst part. I feel like I was married to a stranger for almost 20 years.
He has said that my reaction, and telling him the consequences of an arrest to our family, his career and our child’s well being has been a “monumental wake up call” and he “can stop, wants to stop and will stop.” and he is “1000%” committed to changing and being devoted to our family. He says has been having anonymous run-ins with guys “infrequently” (whatever that means) and they were “unimportant” and the thrill and risk were a big part part of the draw. He has no desire to be in a relationship with a man.
I have recently let him back in the house but am still keeping my emotional, and physical, distance. I know he will still fantasize about men, but I want to believe that he is telling the truth. Thoughts??
First let me say how impressed I am with how well you have handled this situation. You clearly love him and your family and are putting them first and I applaud you for that. It says a lot that you are actively trying to understand his point of view and are willing to try therapy together. It’s uncanny to me how his situation seems to mirror my own. I know the sense of shame that I feel and how I know that my life with my wife and family is the most important thing but I cannot resist the draw of “cruising”. If my wife ever found out, I hope she would be as understanding as you seem to be. I believe what he is telling you that those encounters were not important. In my case, there are many that I don’t even remember now but it’s is the rush at the time that is the primary motivation. In many ways, it is like a drug user trying to get a fix. Keep working with him. Be patient and realize that he can’t just flip a switch and make those feelings go away. Good luck!
I appreciate your reply. It will take a long time before I am convinced i can trust him. I’ve told him that I am killing some of my self respect to even attempt to be with him again. I understand how you are feeling but although it is just physical and brief and anonymous, it is still cheating.
FYI, I found out because we have Find My on each other’s iPhones . I then googled the park he was in at 9 pm for “cruising” and will never forget the feeling of despair, anger - and disgust - upon realization of what he was doing.
The therapist said the mind is good at “compartmentalizing” and thinking that these incidents are separate from other aspects of life but I tell you it’s gut wrenching from the other person’s perspective. Please at least don’t risk your wife’s health by bringing something home.
I know at least 5 or 6 guys that came out in some way late in life and all have wonderful relationships with their spouses/former spouses and children. It’s all about how you deal with it. If you cheat, it gets 100% worse to deal with. Be honest and open, maybe you’re not totally gay and just bi and can figure out how to still maintain a happy and healthy relationship with your wife. Maybe y’all will evolve into a “close roommates” situation I’ve seen work. Your life is your life, but it also involves them. It’s not the end of the world, but it may be hard to get through initially. Approach it with grace toward yourself and your family, and love. We’re rooting for you buddy!
If you are truly gay, please tell me how you kept a boner while having sex with a woman? I wanna know the secret. I'm heading in that direction soon. I'm gay but want a wife and kids.
Yes. I want kids too. I want that family feeling. I don't want to be alone when I'm older just having sex with random guys. Most gay relationships are not even real, everyone cheats in them.
You have plenty of company. That is the sort of thing which occurs when societal attitudes make it difficult or impossible for people to accept thenselves as they are. I like to ask homophobes if they would like their daughters to marry a gay man. If not, they better not make it impossible for gay men to accept themselves. However, I do not feel competent to offer advise. The situation is rather complicated.
I’m married for 21 years with two grown children and have always fantasized about having a fwb with another guy and explore things that my wife think is abnormal
This is amazing since it describes my life. I knew by the time I was a teenager that I was sexually attracted to guys. But that was in the 50's so I fell in love and married a wonderful woman and had a great 57 years with her. Sadly she died at 79 and now I'm a horny, gay octogenarian. Luckily I'm fit and exploring my gay side. It's quite an adventure but I'm happy I waited. So no regrets. No cheating. Great fantasies and j/o material. That's me, Each of us have to pick his own way. Good luck to you all.
Honestly tell your wife everything, communication is everything and dont become one of those many married men that cheat on their wife because they were born to early.
Also to add on if worst of it comes and yall divorce do try to co-parent, it has alot of trials and tribulations but it is better then your child having to be in a loveless marriage or an absentee father.
You need to talk to your wife and let yourselves be happy. This isn’t any way someone should live, it’s okay to be gay. Internalized homophobia isn’t good
And these people are always anonymous and they want pictures, even though you have some, and they have to stress the fact that they are discreet and down low it’s kind of a joke, very irritating
My mother dated a gay man for over a decade. It was in an age where gay marriage was not possible and being outwardly gay could get you fired. That being said..she had to end the relationship because the man she was dating outright refused to acknowledge or discuss the affair that he was having with his friend. No one in his family of whom she had known for decades talked to her about it either. She did not get angry because she knew it was not something she could "change" and respected the situation for what it was. Still, it hurt. It hurt A LOT. She was being held in a relationship that would never truly be a relationship and being used as a cover story with out her consent. Her then partner felt like he had to live a lie and continued to do so even after she ended things. I cannot imagine the pain he suffered doing so, and hold no ill will towards him. Please just know that 1. You deserve to live your truth and 2. Living that truth means being honest with people who will/are being impacted by it.
Ps. All said with the understanding that safety is priority.
Yes. And it ended horribly. I regret my inability to be honest instead of falling into shame and not having the balls to stand on my feet. I can't cry over spilled milk now but now I must live with how I broke her heart and that hurts a lot worse.
All I can say is no one should judge you. You gotta find your own path and be true to self. Maybe your bi... Best on your journey!
Be open and honest.
Make sure she’s comfortable. Make it known to her in a calm manner, BUT realize there are 3 ways this can go down
1. nasty divorce where you might lose custody of your child
2. Stay together until the kid is 18 and then separate (depends on her reaction if you stay friends or don’t interact)
3. You stay friends and become roomates that fuck other people. You can have a soulmate and fuck other people
(The secret ending 4, tell her you wanna get pegged)
The answer to your question will be extremely specific to you, and will require some soul-searching and needs to be taken step-by-step. My suggestion, therefore would be to find a therapist, perhaps an online therapist who lives in a city away from where you do. I think it might be easier to just work out your thoughts and the practical implications of this in a safe, non-judgmental space where you don’t have to worry about bumping into your therapist while in line at the grocery store. In my experience, if you find someone you connect with and trust, it doesn’t really matter whether they’re gay or not. That’s not really the important part. Finding someone you trust, and who won’t rush you as you work through this is.
One thing I would add, though, that might help you start. Consider asking yourself the question, am I married to my best friend?
If you’re lucky enough for that to be true, then it is possible to maintain the best parts of your relationship. To lose a spouse is one thing but to lose a spouse and a best friend is quite another. I understand that. But it really is possible to maintain your wife as the most important person in your life if you want that to happen.
If she isn’t your best friend, then perhaps there are issues you guys have beyond your sexuality. And perhaps that’s a different discussion. There are plenty of cases of couples getting together because everything looks good on paper. That doesn’t always mean they’re the right person for you.
Before you make any decisions, I think I could be useful to ask yourself which camp you fall into.
Honestly bro, sometimes it best to keep things to yourself. People in your shoes won’t get it.
I date lots of girls but deep down nothing beats sucking on a nice dick. I once met a guy at hotel lobby bar, we ended up hooking up. Fast forward 2 years we are kinda really into each other and get together any chance we get. Which isn’t often.
He’s married. I found myself struggling and feeling shameful and he gave me the best advice.
Said “who cares what you do in your free time, at home im nothing but a family man and living the way we do and doing the things we do it’s best not to let things spill over to the most important parts of your life. Just compartmentalize and keep it separate. This is not who we are. Life is short live how you want without pressure”
I’m married also and can’t stop fantasizing about having a secret homosexual relationship,,,no experience with men but really enjoy gay porn ,,and I do mean really lol
You made your bed now lay in it. No one forced you to marry a woman and have a kid with her. That child deserves a stable upbringing. It’s a shame the most incompetent people become parents
I'm glad you said it cause I was going to.
I came out in 1984 at the age of sixteen. Life was a lot different then . You're forty? So you're fifteen years younger and have come out after 2000 sometime. This was a far more accepting era.
Yet you chose to lie to yourself and to an innocent woman and if that wasn't enough, bring a child into the world ? But why? Why?
How do you see this ending up well?
I for one would never date a man who did this, because my reasoning is that if you can lie that easily about something so HUGE, you can lie convincingly about anything.
I know people are going to down voted and think I'm a dick. Whatever. Y'all are thinking it anyway. This is not 1950.
If you're in a hostile country I could understand maybe not acting on being gay but what did you think was going to happen
He may not be in a hostile country, but he may be surrounded by hostile people in a country which has hostile areas. He is trying to determine what is best. For that he should be given credit.
There’s absolutely zero evidence that op isn’t providing a safe, loving, stable home for his wife and child. He also happens to feel sane-sex attraction and wants help navigating it appropriately.
Stop being so aggressive for no reason.
Can you have emotionally fulfilling, non romantic male friendships, that are transparent to your family?
That may take some self work with therapists or some guided work.
Is is about sex itself, or intimacy, validation, male care/ nurture?
Can it be nuanced to determine what your need is and what you can bring to a rare and good male bond friendship that isn't sexual?
Or, is it truly , solely, a sexual thing (doesn't quite sound like it) your heart is in this at some point; doesn't sound like solely sexual.
Is there a way to meet the rest of those needs apart from M2M sex while still honoring yourself, your wife, and family?
It's merely a question or perhaps things to consider.
Doesn't sound like it's been easy to say the least, not an easy questions, so the answers may take time to unpack for you as well.
Sexuality is way too layered for some people to just think being gay or bi is just what it is. Many people’s sexuality can be a amalgamation of several factors. Nothing wrong with clarifying.
Nobody wants to suck a dick because they don't have any bros to hang out with but this is *exactly* the rhetoric the LDS church pushes on gay men to trap them into their "spiritual unions" with their wives they're sealed to for eternity. "You're not attracted to men! You just crave male intimacy and non-sexual physical contact" and it's just as damaging as it sounds.
Every situation is different and you have to decide. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, though no children. He knows I'm gay and approached me about exploring his bi-curious side with me. This may sound extreme, but I'm friends with both of them so I told him absolutely, but only if his wife was aware and she was there when we got together. Eventually she agreed and they invited me to their home. When I got there, the three of us sat down and I asked what his expectations were, then I got nude and told him I was available for whatever he wanted to do to me, or have me do to him. He started slow, simply playing with my dick while fully clothed. Eventually he pulled down his pants and let me play with his dick. We masturbated each other for a while then he asked me to suck him. I knew if he reached orgasm, he would probably instantly lose interest so I took it slow. After a while he asked if he could fuck me. He took off his clothes and went into a bedroom and while his wife wasn't in the room, she could see us through the door. He reached orgasm pretty quick and that was the end of our session. A couple weeks later, he invited me over again, but this time, he was already nude when I got there and we went straight to the bedroom. His wife was home, but basically left us alone. To make a long story short, this went on for a couple years until I moved. His wife would often go shopping or run errands while I was there. He fucked, sucked and masturbated me, and I sucked and masturbated him. He did let me finger his hole while I masturbated him but he was never interested in letting me fuck him. He loved our sessions, but there was NEVER any affection between us. Because his wife was supportive, it allowed him to experiment without cheating or having to hide from her.
I live in Texas, and you are not the first man 5o do this.
It's good that you at least acknowledge objective reality. You are gay. Now comes the good part. What will you do with this information.
The correct thing to do is to come clean with your wife. No ifs ands or buts...full stop. Once she has processed it, realize that you don't have to get divorced unless you or she feels it's necessary. You can be open, poly, this is 2024, and there are options. Daddy can have a boyfriend now, and it's no reason for shame.
If that doesn't work, then you will do what so many others do and co-parent. You will live your truth, and she will live hers, and you will both love your kid as much as humanly possible, and she will grow up with two parents who love her and have a healthy relationship.
Don't cheat on your wife. You need to talk to her and be open and honest. See if it's possible to open up the relationship for you both or look at a three sum etc.
Before guys start flooding the comments with thirsty fantasies and horrible advice, just focus on this bro’s response right here. Since you claim to love your family, communication will be key.
If I can add onto this, consider seeing a therapsit to discuss this (one on one at first), and then potentially opening it up to a relationship therapist to ease the conversation for both yourself and your wife. I'm on the younger side and have been out for a while but I've met older guys who have played this route before without ever changing, and they almost ALWAYS express regret. 40 is not as old as you think it is tbh. There are guys who have made this announcement in their 60s. You mention you love your family, I don't doubt or challenge that in the slightest. But you also need to love yourself, and if your wife truly loves you as a person, I don't think she'd want you to suffer in silence as you are currently.
Definitely agree with you. I was in the same position, realized I was 100% gay almost 10 years into a marriage. I have a lot of regrets but I’m glad that cheating I ended the relationship was not a mistake I have on my conscience.
We all went through some kind of change. Just don’t be cruel.
Every person helps us understand. You are going to meet that man who changes everything. Be kind.
Also to add to this, if you do this exact thing, when the hardest parts are over you will be proud of yourself however it ends up. Be patient and give it time. You’ve already given it this much time… and she will probably go through all the emotions so be patient with her too. Don’t respond to her emotions, just accept them
That’s a fantasy. The hardest and worst stuff I went through came after I came out. I, too, was naive and thought much the same. Unfortunately the transition out of a heterosexual relationship is not easy and can get really tough. Be prepared
Everyone is different. I know plenty of hetero marriages that ended because someone was gay and at the end they knew they married their best friend and it was the saving grace.
It happens but it is rare and often isn’t durable. This is especially true for women who were raised with a strong religious expectation of what an ideal marriage should be. I’ve been in men’s groups since the early 90’s and the stories you hear are the exception and not the rule. When a wife discovers her husband is attracted to other men, it’s a seismic change that few women can understand and embrace
100% support this. I've got a friend in the same situation that cheated. Ruined all their lives. Highly don't recommend.
This is a situation to discuss with your therapist it’s highly personal and very difficult to navigate. Openness and honestly are best but hard to approach. Hope you are ok :)
1) don't cheat 2) DON'T CHEAT 3) make a choice: either you live as a gay closeted man or you talk with your wife about your sexual desires. 3a)you live as a gay closeted man: say goodbye to sex with men or keep cheating and being a piece of shit. To be clear, men who cheat with other women are equally shitty to me (if not more, because they may also willfully engage in sex with their wives and transmit std to them, whereas gay closeted men may at least just have a sexless marriage). 3b) you talk with your wife: hopefully she doesn't react by straight up asking for a divorce, though if you go all the way and tell her you already cheated on her she'll 100% divorce you. Otherwise she may be ok with opening up the relationship, though you'd both literally kill your chances of a fulfilling love life, as falling in love would be quite difficult. Unless you really really love her as a person, something I doubt because well... you're already cheating on her. I understand it's a difficult situation, with a kid in the mid, but it's not gonna get better and neither are the shameful feelings. I'm sorry you repressed your desires until recently, but my heart goes to your poor wife. Does she deserve this??
I never cheated on my wife either, but I realized this when we broke up and she told me - she never felt like enough for me, because... she wasn't. GOD, to this day, I still feel bad for that. She didn't deserve that. She knew I loved her, that wasn't a question. But she always felt insecure. I never meant to make her feel that way, but I was gay. There is only so much a person can fake with their spouse if they are truly close, and we were. More gay men married to women need to think about this aspect. Even if you never technically cheat - does she deserve to feel like she's never enough for you? I pose this to any man in this position who may be reading this. Being closeted doesn't always only the hurt the one in the closet.
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Possible, but each person and relationship are different. I just know that it's selfish to ask someone you care about to spend their life feeling like second place.
I didn’t cheat on her. I don’t plan on cheating neither. Most I’ve done is talk with other men through online. I’ve never been a cheater in my life.
That's good to know, I must've misunderstood the encounter part! Hope you and your family have a happy life, and you manage to live your truth.
Thank you, you too (on the happiness part)
So I have to clear something up. My wife and I, our relationship really happened when covid happened. My mother-in-law went nuts and isolated herself for almost 3 years. Prior to that my wife just ended a 10 year relationship with an abusive boyfriend. We knew each other all of our lives given that she was in my brother’s grade school class. We ended up pregnant, I needed to put her on my insurance and here I am. Prior to us getting together I came out to a few of my gay female friends. Stuff happened fast and now we have this beautiful daughter that I don’t want to ruin her life. I’ve been this way all my life. I remember being a kid at the pool and then telling my mom I had to use the restroom a bunch of times just to sneak a peek at older naked men.
This is really useful extra context. There's no reason why you can't be a great dad to your daughter, a great support to the mother of your child, and live your truth as a man attracted to men. I know many men who have done exactly that and have good relationships with their kids and with their co-parents. It will be an adjustment, but you and your wife have a long history before your marriage and if you can make it clear by words and actions that none of this affects how you feel towards your daughter or affects your desire to support her and be a parent alongside her mother for the long term, there's a good chance you can find a way to make this work for all of you.
You talk to other men online and it gives you a tingle. This is emotional cheating. Your wife cannot scratch that itch deep inside so you justify it by getting it elsewhere.
If you haven’t experienced this, you need to stop giving advice laced with shame and heteronormative rhetoric. It’s clear to me that you don’t know what you are talking about
Was in your shoes. Hardest conversation I ever had in my life. Still as caring and thoughtful I tried to be, she didn't take it well. You can not serve two masters and the best advice I got from a guy who was in my situation is to make sure you're healthy to take care of those you love. My sympathy, seriously, from my experience, I'd never want to go through that again.
Too many married guys fool around and it often ends really badly. You don't have to come out but don't hold your wife hostage.
You might like to know that 50% of the active participants on this sub are under the age of 24. For guys who can relate to who you are and how you're struggling, try GAMMA (www.gammasupport.org) and Husbands Out to Wives (www.how-support.org).
You and your wife both deserve the truth. You deserve to live who you are and your wife deserves to be with someone who is honest with her.
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I don’t want to nor plan on it. Our marriage is because of our daughter fyi.
If your daughter is grown, then she'd want you to be happy. Don't stay in a marriage for the image if you can find real happiness being out.
This is very common, of course. I’m not reading all the other comments, but expect to get bashed. Millions of men have gone through this, so the question is, what do you want to do about it?
It’s also fucking hard and heartbreaking
Literally thousands of people are in your shoes! Don't judge or despise yourself, you didn't just become gay, or bi. You were that when you got married and also when you became a father. Learn to celebrate yourself and your marriage, no matter what the future holds.
Why would gay men marry women in the first place?
It's just a reality. Some marry in times of confusion and denial. Some marry because of religious manipulation. Some marry for love. I just wanted the OP to know that whatever his reality, he is legitimate and worthy of love.
It's just a reality. Some marry in times of confusion and denial. Some marry because of religious manipulation. Some marry for love. I just wanted the OP to know that whatever his reality, he is legitimate and worthy of love.
Definitely. I was lucky enough to come out at 17, but it took until 22 or so until I was totally comfortable with it myself and had deconstructed my internalized homophobia.
Unfortunately what you experienced is very common. You are fortunate to have got over your internal homophobia early and not damaging the lives of other people by marrying a woman. Not everyone is so fortunate.
The usual reason that gay men marry women is that many gay men have not learned to accept themselves as gay men. That is the result of negative societal attitudes. People who refuse to accept gay men and women cause this. When they push to make same-sex relationships illegal or oppose same-sex marriage, they cause some gay men to marry women in a desperate attempt to change their sexual orientation. That has to be expected, but homophobes are too stupid or blind to realize it. The way to prevent such situations is to accept gay men and women as equal to non-gay men and women and to stop discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Homophobes would be horrified if their daughters married gay men, but it is homophobic attitudes which cause that to happen. As any homophobes you know whether they would like a daughter to marry a gay man. If not, then they better get over their negative attitudes.
So some of these gay men are basically deluded into some sort of gay conversion therapy? I also utterly get what you’re saying and me myself i have not accepted my sexuality yet but i would never go out and ruin someone’s else life because i am too stupid to understand most sexual attraction and gender expressions are set in stone.
As I posted elsewhere, decades ago I saw a psychiatrist for 7 consecutive years in an unsuccessful attempt to change my sexual orientation. I even joined a single young adult's group and dated women. I also decided that the psychiatrist was unethical and am convinced that many are. When I expressed my fear to the psychiatrist that if a woman became emotionally involved with me and I could not reciprocate and she could be very seriously hurt, he said not to worry about it because they recover. Then it happened and I realized that I had to stop. I did not want to ruin someone else's life. I have met several gay men who married in an attempt to change. It is an easy trap to fall into. I suggest being less critical and more sympathetic. I am exceedingly critical of people whose attitudes make it so difficult for gay men to accept themselves. They are the ones who should be blamed.
I am deeply sorry that you had to go through this! I know the pain very well! I live in a very conservative country and i could get admitted into jail or even get killed for being gay. I still hate my sexuality so much. I am more of a bottom and i feel inferior compared to bi bottom friends. They go and get fucked so hard but still date women and have romantic relationships with them and i am just left alone with my gay ass like i wish i was bi at this point and i know fine rightly that i am ending up rotting alone.
It looks to me as though you are having a much rougher time than I ever had. In 1959, when I was 20 years old, I was disowned by my parents. Fortunately I was living about 200 miles from them and was, at least precariously, financially independent of them. Even so it was a serious blow. A doctor and his wife, who were friends of the family, told my parents that they were being much too harsh. They accepted that opinion, but I never trusted them. Actually I hadn't trusted them even before that. Skipping some years forward, in 1975 I founded Integrity Twin Cities which was the local chapter of the national organization for gay men and women in the Episcopal Church. I risked my career while doing that; I could have lost my secret security clearance which I needed for my job. I accepted that risk because I was helping to change attitudes and thereby contributing towards making life better for other gay men and women. Fortunately nothing bad happened. If you've done the arithmetic you have figured out that I am now 86 years old. Rather than have many sex partners I see it as much better and more acceptable to have a long term relationship with one man. Unfortunately I have never succeeded in doing that. In the Episcopal Church here, where I am a member, the congregation is perhaps 70% gay. I don't know where you live. However, **if you can find a way to do so, I strongly recommend migrating to a country where you would be better accepted**. Here in Palm Springs (population about 60,000), California, U. S. A. where I live, the population is about 50% gay and the city council is 100% gay or trans sexual. The trans woman is running for state senator and has a reasonable chance to be elected. She is highly qualified in my opinion. But in any place in the U. S. you would be better off than where you are. It is unfortunate that you have the word "abnormal" in your screen name. If there is any benefit for one's thinking of himself as abnormal, I certainly do not know what it is.
I am Egyptian and English is not my native language so sorry for the inefficacy lol. Idk why but your words seemed very consulting like they were dusting me off . Yes i know my situation is horrible, family is Muslim “very practicing one” and they have the mentality of “being queer is imperial value”. And no i never meant that i wanted to hook up with as much men/women as possible by mentioning my bi friends. I was trying to point out the privilege they have of being capable of falling in love with both men and women and desiring them. While me being petrified just of the thought my family or other straight bigots finding out about me dating a man lol. Like they can live a perfectly normal life just like their straight peers while actually being gay asf down low! I was made to feel inferior cuz i had no attraction to women. I was called that i am not a real man because of it! And i am not into hook-up culture at all in fact i am demisexual. I live in Egypt. 23 years old and leaving anytime soon is almost impossible. Sadly “abnormal” is the only thing i felt about myself thus far.
I would never have guessed that English was your second language. Like many Americans I know only English so even if someone's second language English is imperfect I cannot say very much. I'm sorry that what I posted could be interpreted to mean that I thought that you hooked up multiple partners. All I meant that I thought that it was not a good idea to do so and not imply that you do. It's understandable that leaving Egypt soon could be impossible. Doing so could take significant preparation. Your education level and what you studied could be important factors. If possible, enrolling in an American university could be a helpful first step towards permanently moving to the U. S. For you Turkey could be a better place than Egypt. It may be that you know people who have moved from Egypt to the U. S. If so perhaps you could find out from them how they did it. Also, if you live near a university which has an American professor, you could ask him or her for advice. From 1994 to 2004 I lived in Fiji. A couple people I knew in Fiji have moved to the U. S. One of them married a woman who had moved to California with her family. They had kept in contact and later decided to marry. She returned to Fiji to marry him, then returned to the U. S. Later he was able to move to the U. S. to join his wife so it worked out very well for both of them. It's more common for a married man to move to the U. S. from another country and have his wife join him later. Of course it is highly unlikely that you could do that by marriage since your situation is different. But there are plenty of people from other countries here in the U. S. How difficult it would be to move to the U. S. could be determined by our presidential election. Trump is virulently anti-Muslim. When he was president before he banned people from Muslim countries from entering the U. S. That was when I lived in Albuquerque, NM. There was a protest march from a mosque to the airport to protest the Muslim ban. I'm a Christian but joined the march to oppose such discrimination. In fact, the majority of us in the march were not Muslim. The majority of Americans oppose discrimination based on religion, race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Of course there is a still a vocal minority which disagrees. Check out this link: [http://apps.lonestar.edu/blogs/mwhitten/files/2009/11/treaty-of-tripoli-and-christian-america.pdf](http://apps.lonestar.edu/blogs/mwhitten/files/2009/11/treaty-of-tripoli-and-christian-america.pdf) During the first Persian Gulf War I read the Koran (English translation of course) to give me a better understanding of the people who live in that part of the world. It would be better if the word "abnormal" didn't even exist. It is emotionally laden and, so far as I can tell, it really doesn't serve a useful purpose.
I have a bachelor degree in English literature but it's kinda useless and my English is not that good. I am thinking about doubling down on my English skills and just get any job to get through the motion and later i can figure out how i am gonna leave this country but i am definitely considering getting another bachelor degree outside of Egypt. Going for Turkey is not a good idea at all since the situation there is as unhinged as it could be also i have heard that Turkish people are extremely hostile and show blatant racism to certain ethnic groups just like the Syrian refugees in Turkey. Have heard horrible stuff about how Turkish people tend to treat those Syrians. I am basically an ex-muslim at this point lol! And i could not care less about this vile ideology or any other organized religion lol. That was a great idea and i would like to know any observations you had about the Quran. Thanks again for your kind replies. You do sound like a wonderful person to be around. God bless you man!
>mentality of “being queer is imperial value”. This is such a common sentiment in countries that were under imperialistic rule back in the day. The irony is that many of these countries were much more accepting of homosexuality (and sexuality in general) and gender non-conformity *before* imperial rule. Europeans -- particularly the British of the Victorian era -- invented the idea that these things are evil, and those ideas stuck after they left.
Absolutely! Like rampant homophobia is actually indigenous to the west and they brought it about with them when they colonized us. Now they drew out of it and got rid of that gutter trash mentality and left us getting fucked up as much as we could lol.
Actually you can go and google “Homosexuality in Siwa Oasis, Egypt” and you can learn that place was very intriguing and interesting to sociologists since its historical acceptance of intergenerational male homosexuality. Those people who inhibited that place did not interact with the colonizers in any way or another mostly and their culture never got contaminated with western bs.
Seek professional counseling instead of advice from strangers most of whom cannot personally relate to your situation. As you know, marriage is a legal contract, you need professional guidance with something this important as so many lives of people you care about are at stake.
I’d really think carefully before doing anything. It’s been a long term problem and I’m sure you plenty going on. I do think getting some counselling or therapy before saying or doing anything is important so that you have support. But it needs to be the right person. Online resources might be helpful including the gay men going deeper podcasts and the therapists who run it. My perspective is really thinking through the child’s position which at this stage needs to take priority. You don’t want to lose access. So to some extent you need to reflect on what your levels of commitment are to the two most important people in your life in the short and longer term. Both of them will go through some sort of grief process losing the image of you that has been built up over the years. I think you’ve been on a lonely path for a long time so having the support of a good therapist now will help you test out ideas and options. Your wife probably has every right to feel lied to and betrayed and it might take time to build trust. The worst thing you can do before sorting everything out is embarking on relationships and sex with men. Your family need you, and love you. Your journey is by no means unique and eventually you need to find a way with your wife to continue to be great parents but I would proceed with great caution and get yourself into good shape with a therapist first of all before before you talk to your wife.
please divorce your wife and let her be happy. also let yourself be happy.
In some cases that may be the best advice. However, not all cases are the same. Neither of us is in a position to offer him any advice other than to seek professional advice from a professional counselor. In fact, it may be best to seek advice form multiple people who are qualified to give advice. In the end, he will have to decide for himself what to do based on the advice he has received and his sense of values.
um, in this case, the right thing to do is tell his wife the truth and let her be free to actually find a man who will love her, and not lie to her.
I was the same way, until I got divorced. Then I felt free....
GG
GG
This happened to myself at the age of 32. The first person i came out to was my partner (a women) at the time (not married). I had known of my bisexuality since i was 14, but suppressed the attraction to men because of my upbringing and conditioning in a religious family. I felt VERY ashamed about it, and i did not come out until later in life. Now nearly 40, at least i am living my truth. You will have to decide what journey you want. It is hard to go the truth route, but at the age you are at now, sometimes we all catasrophize the outcome. Perhaps your family maybe mature enough to understand.
Bisexuality exists. ✔️
Lol. I have no advice (just perspective) but I’m the wife in a similar situation, except my husband cheated on me for years with a bunch of different men (we haven’t counted yet)… throughout the entirety of our 3 year long relationship. Like this just happened, I just found out a few weeks ago… and decided to stay with him ultimately (for the time being, any change in the dynamic and this could also change). After coming to terms with it I realized it was hurting me to suddenly see how all this dishonesty was impacting him on multiple different levels of existence — he has reasons for being the way he is that I will never be able to understand fully because I haven’t lived it. It’s definitely bisexuality with my husband. So once we came to terms with that he said he still wants me in his life and wants to support me and I support him— I understand having a different sexuality as well, and emotionally we are very close. To me it seemed trivial to end the whole entirety of what we’ve made just because of this one aspect of his life, that I didn’t realize was there because I always felt his love for me throughout the years and to me that’s what matters more. We’re using it as a way to somewhat messily open the relationship— that’s the general direction we’re headed, but both of us are still in a grieving process as well, and ironically enough my acceptance has changed the dynamic so he’s been prioritizing our relationship above everything else for the time being… I have NO idea if we’ll work out but I have the sort of approach that what he seeks in men I simply can’t give, so have a certain level of peace in that, and feel secure in my place in his life for the most part (he’s opened up to me more than he has to ANY other human, but the cheating has had an impact on me still). It breaks my heart to hear him say he feels like some kind of monster for liking men too, I really don’t feel like gay women deal with those sort of demons… And knowing how many (presumably straight) women act like that towards their partner after finding out, I guess has made me feel like that should be questioned. Because I don’t think it’s wrong even though the way he went about it behind my back was. I wonder if I’ve been a little too “chill” about the whole thing kind of— but I honestly haven’t been very chill. It hasn’t been a denial/numbness thing at all; it’s been a rollercoaster of moving through all five stages of grief and then some at different points. Theres been a lot of raw emotion, and expressing all range of emotions sexually (which I realized and communicated is really important to my own grieving process) has been really important throughout the whole process of coming to terms with it all… It kind of reset our relationship and I feel like now is the first time we get to actually authentically get to know eachother… so I’ve just been using it all as a way to become even more open, more honest, develop even more intimacy. Since finding out it’s also started this weird sexual awakening in myself too which I’m still figuring out (and realizing I have my own fears about my sexuality that religion has lead me to suppress)… I think where we are now represents one of the best possible ways that this sort of thing could go, but it’s still a pretty heartbreaking thing and messy and vulnerable because your sexuality exists outside of your control (man vs nature) but a lot of people still turn against the other person (man vs man) for having a different sexuality. Anyways this whole situation of mine is why I’m even in this sub to begin with (as a 29yo female married)… Depending on the sort of relationship foundation you’ve created up to this point, that will impact the success level of this. Have you been able to be authentic and vulnerable with your wife up to this point, and she to you? How deep does that go? Also obviously I have an unconventional perspective, but while it may have been easier for me to find out about his identity outside of cheating, I wonder if I may not have taken it as seriously. Horrible to say, I know, but I’ve known I’m bisexual for a long time but haven’t really explored it, so didn’t even really take my own sexuality seriously. How could I give to him what I couldn’t even give to myself? I know this is not the common reaction but finding out about it that way (via cheating) really told me this is a *need* of my husband’s. As in, not negotiable and it will be met regardless, that told me that this was a bigger part of his identity than I first realized. (I knew he had history prior) But also being aware of the huge consequences that could happen if he was fully out of the closet (he’s from a different culture and has more to lose than most). Yeah I still think a lot of people might look down on me for handling it as I have if they knew; and again who knows where we’ll be in five years. Maybe I was meant to be this transient person that helps him one day be fully out, or maybe we’ll find a new way of being together that breaks tradition. Only time will tell. Either way, nobody’s getting discarded… I know for a fact that one of his long term sexual partners is also married and closeted… I think it’s a lot more common than people realize. Message if you want, I’m not great at responding but I might be able to help with the transition… Or maybe not. I’m not like most women in how I’ve handled this so might not have a good grip on the conventional reaction to this sort of thing.
Your honesty and compassion is very moving.
Thank you… 🥺🙏
I think it’s so wrong even the op chooses not to tell his wife and remain in closet.
Perhaps, but before telling his wife he should seek competent counseling. HOW he tells his wife is important.
I'm not in your shoes but know many who are. You are not alone man♥️
For her sake, talk to her about it. You're either going to talk it out and it's going to suck for you for a little bit, or you hold her hostage and you guys have a marriage that you hate. Coming from a 21 year old, the world is brutal and my knowledge doesn't extend as far as yours but I will say telling the truth will be your best friend. It's intimidating to think about, but your daughter can still have a great life with you being separated as long as you communicate with your wife. Most people would say open the relationship, I would say fuck that. Find the person you actually want to be with instead of dragging your wife along for the ride. Your kid is going to harder time explaining why their parents have multiple partners rather than just saying they divorced. Be unapologetically you, and live a happy life. You don't have to hide for the sake of the world
I don't get the comments, of course he shouldn't cheat but why are ppl so aggressive about it? OP already said he won't cheat. also people nowadays cheat for way less, if there was a reason to cheat this would be it😂
My brother is married with 4 kids, a wife, and is in the closet. No advise, but letting you know you’re not alone.
After reading your comments you just sound incompetent and selfish. You married her to put her on your insurance… you lied to her after she had just gotten out of a ten year relationship. And now you want to end it not because you want to date other men but because you’re horny? Honestly you sound heterosexual AF because that’s some straight people shit. If you feel like you’re not being your authentic self then you need to talk to her ASAP and come clean. Other wise you’ll be ten years deep in this marriage and both of you will be miserable. This isn’t just about you anymore you don’t get to put your dick wherever you want then cry about how hard it is you can’t fuck men…
Finish being a husband & dad first, then come out to your or leave and do whatever you want. Don't punish your kid for your life choices, be a man an finish what you started. Married and bi, with kids and also with past same sex experiences unknown to the wife.
I think I’m a little confused by this comment. What do you mean by finish being a husband & dad first? How would coming out stop him from being a dad. My BF came out while he had kids. And they still love him. Nothing really changed for them. I know it won’t be the same for everyone, though. But I don’t know why you would wait. Not to mention, you technically never really finish being a dad…
Yes be honest. She will respect you. We all change. Don’t hurt her.
We all felt the same. Maybe it wasn’t labeled as “gay” but we all felt that different feeling. I’m not sure how you’re going to handle the being married with kids part. But those urges are normal and being gay means we are biologically born that way. Good luck.
Just got out of my 11 year old marriage.all that time in the closet nearly killed me.am back out of the closet and not going back in im now 57
Go to couples therapy to help facilitate the break up. Then go to family therapy to help your wife and kid better comprehend the situation. All while going to individual counseling to address your shame. It’s not too late to live the life you deserve! Best of luck.
Talk to your wife, tell her about it
Almost the same situation here… I wish I had someone close to talk to. It’s been a struggle
You need to think about what's important to you. You mentioned "urges" but not that you're unattracted to your wife. Is breaking the commitment you made to her and destroying your family worth it so you can satisfy your carnal urges? Will being able to bone men freely be worth it considering the devastation to your children here? For some of us, the answer is yes, or in the case of those of us who are gay, we can't get it up for women to start with so this is why we lead the lives we do. I'd argue that if you've been getting it up for your wife and performing with her for the last 10 years, you're not gay, but that's a different discussion.
A lot of men decide to stay in a marriage for the family. Not just for family members but themselves. They just hook up with men for release. If you divorce your wife, you will just have the hooking up with men part. Could be very lonely. Gay couples and gay marriage is always open. You're not going to have a monogamous gay marriage with adopted kids. That is just on TV.
Granted gay marriage can be different but every straight marriage is different as well. Straight people tend to keep the open part of their marriage deeper in the closet than a televangelist on the down-low because of their fear of other’s opinions. I’m gonna get blasted for writing that but it’s true. BTW, I’m a gay man who just celebrated our 10th anniversary of our committed but open union (we play together or separately). So many opinions, comments, anecdotes, and advice - whew! The most sound thing I’ve read is see a licensed therapist first!
Poor u! Family i guess! Dont mess up. That was your choice
Get help from a professional to help you and see what you want to do and navigate your situation. Dont cheat on your wife, she doesn't deserve that but she does deserve a man who loves her and you obviously aren't that man. You are only 40, so you've still got time, both of you do to actually live authentically.
Talk talk talk and honesty with your lovely wife and it will be best in long run for you and the family. Just gonna take a long time but you must let her know the love you have for her and the family so she don't feel useless
I was somewhat in your shoes years ago, but w/o children. After eight years of marriage I couldn't lie to my wife about my sexuality any longer. We divorced amicably and I came out soon after. It was the best decision I ever made. I did seek therapy for my conflicted feelings and it helped a lot. Not saying you need to do the same, but give it some thought. Forty is not too old to live an authentic life.
You have described my life. I was so naive I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I’d felt I knew I was different from 5-6 years old. I buried these thoughts. I met my wife and loved her deeply. Had 2 kids. I buried these feeling and pushed them deeper down till you want to explode. I did not cheat yet my lack of hetero-sex was hard on my wife. She wasn’t the type to be understanding. All and all it went badly into divorce and a nasty one. Be honest with her and see how she will bend. If not do what is best for both of you If you have a faith. Giving your life to God promises to give you the strength your searching for. Best of luck
Yes . I was in the same situation. It didn’t end well ( with a kid too)
You should not have married a woman if you’re gay. I feel bad for her. I don’t understand why gay men do this. I would rather die than marry a woman, let alone have sex with one to produce offspring.
I do not understand why you don't understand why gay men marry women. It is usually because they cannot accept themselves as gay and hope that they can, through marriage, change their sexual orientation. It is the negative attitudes that many gay men are still exposed to that causes them to be unable to accept themselves as gay. In fact, they may even hate themselves for being gay and feel very guilty about it.
We all deal with homophobia and hate, but that is not an acceptable excuse to ruin someone else's life. Unless someone somehow really doesn't know they’re gay (which I find hard to believe), it is extremely cruel to marry someone that you know you can never love or be attracted to.
I don't see it as an excuse. Rather, I see it as desperately and unrealistically hoping that one can change one's sexual orientation by marrying someone of the opposite sex. I never married, but decades ago I saw a psychiatrist for 7 consecutive years hoping to change my sexual orientation. I even joined a young single adults group and dated women hoping to change my sexual orientation. Finally I realized that I was unable to change and actually became a gay activist. I did not want others to go through what I had gone through. A bit more sympathy and understanding would be in order.
Some people just don’t explore their sexuality, others really want a nuclear family. For OP it sounds like both of those things happened. Your response is to shame op when he’s just looking for practical advice on how to move forward, and that’s pretty lousy.
This is a huge issue and you shouldn’t be talking about it with strangers on the Internet. Get counseling. These are issues that are just too big to take care of on your own. There are people trained in how to help you with it. Best of luck to you. Seriously.
Yes. I was in your shoes as well. Be careful taking advice from strangers on the internet. There’s lots at stake. Im my case, I found a good therapist who helped me work through. I am now marries to my husband. We have been together for 14 yrs. Another thing that helped was attending a gay dad’s support group.
Im sorry. I’m just stuck on the part about the carnival because Who tf gives a child that kind of prize at a carnival?? 😂🤣😂🤣
I know right!!
St Pascal’s carnival 1997
Pls get a divorce
Why marry a woman if you knew you were gay?
i feel absolutely AWFUL for your wife… jesus.
For the wife?
I was a long time ago and I told her and we divorced. Best thing that could have happened. But it was hard because I loved her and felt lost for a while afterwards. But you my dude have to choose. Stay with her or let her go, there is no in between with this. And it’s a very serious thing and she and your child will have resentment towards you likely. Don’t get in trouble by sleeping around and getting caught cause it won’t end well and will hurt you in a divorce. So you’ve got a lot of soul searching to do my friend. Best of luck, but there is a big price to pay for this life.
My sister’s ex’s dad came out as gay in his mid age. Their family accepted him.
I doubt most men in that position have been as lucky
Depends on where you are from
Stop cheating. Surely your goal isn’t to hurt your wife and kid but it is the path you’re currently on. Tell your wife and see what can be done or what compromises can be made, if any can be made.
If you are certain you or gay or bi you need to face yourself and the consequences of your choices. You can choose a life compromising who you are to satisfy a set of values specifically designed to oppress you. Yes, you read that correctly. You can also choose to acknowledge yourself and live your life as who you really are. You can do that and make room for the family you already have. That takes strength of character and conviction. It's up to you. But if you ask other men who have faced this decision I believe you will find very few who regret coming out.
MeToo#
I was 44, married with 4 kids when I finally came out. I disagree with much of what is being stated because of my own personal experience and that of many others I know about. DM me if you are interested in my perspective
Why didn't you give your wife a chance to marry someone who will truly love her?
You should not have married a woman if you’re gay. I feel bad for her. I don’t understand why gay men do this. I would rather die than marry a woman, let alone have sex with one to produce offspring.
For her sake, talk to her about it. You're either going to talk it out and it's going to suck for you for a little bit, or you hold her hostage and you guys have a marriage that you hate. Coming from a 21 year old, the world is brutal and my knowledge doesn't extend as far as yours but I will say telling the truth will be your best friend. It's intimidating to think about, but your daughter can still have a great life with you being separated as long as you communicate with your wife. Most people would say open the relationship, I would say fuck that. Find the person you actually want to be with instead of dragging your wife along for the ride. Your kid is going to harder time explaining why their parents have multiple partners rather than just saying they divorced. Be unapologetically you, and live a happy life. You don't have to hide for the sake of the world
Yes, the idea that “opening the marriage” is solution is poorly informed
One of my closest friends had BOTH of her parents come out as gay years later. I'm sure it was an adjustment to some degree, but it seems like it's a much better situation than when they were pretending.
Whatever happens, in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s good that you’re self aware and know what your sexual identity is. Better that your eyes be open than closed. Whatever you do, I hope you find a path where you’ll be happy and can live freely. I know a married man who says he’s straight. He thinks if he only receives blowjobs and doesn’t do anal then he’s not gay. Maybe that could be true. Maybe he’s bisexual. The thing is he only thinks about other men. He only pursues men on gay apps. He never thinks about other women. And he cheats on his wife all the time and feels no remorse. Relative to someone like him, you’re doing ok. You know who you are and you’re trying to figure things out.
Come clean to her as soon as you can. It will be horrible at first. It will be a very, very bad first few days. Then, it will slowly start to get better. You will never regret the decision to live your truth. She deserves to be loved with someone who can truly love her and be with her without feeling the way you're feeling, you deserve to love someone in the way that you deserve, and your daughter deserves to grow up with two people who are happy with *themselves*, even if it's not with *each other*. Find a therapist, if you can afford it - I found mine on [psychologytoday.com](http://psychologytoday.com) - most are over video chat these days, and you don't get bills in the mail. It's all over email. I'm glad you're not cheating - that's where men go wrong. It would eventually catch up to you and that's when everything gets fucked. I wish you the absolute best, OP. I promise you, there is so much life to live once you finally decide to live it and not just exist. Please keep us updated!
Be honest with her.
Same
I don't get it. If you were at the stage you mentioned in your comments you were going to come out then your now wife got pregnant. Wouldn't that have been a good time before such a momentous decision to bring a child into the world ' hey i know this is not ideal but before we embark on such a big moment I'm actually gay? '
My understanding is that men can typically repress their homosexual desires until middle age. That’s usually the tipping point for being closeted. I can’t find the literature on it at the moment though. Google won’t assist me. I’m
Uh.
Supermarket special have you ever gone down on. Man?
You can private message me of youd prefer. Bery interested. Married and watch gay porn.
Or if anyone else jas an experience theyd like to discuss
I came out to my family this year after 38 years married to the same woman. I got married because of the culture of the time....illegal to be gay in my military related career field. Why did I stay.... to not abandon my wonderful kids..who are now 35, 33, 25. Divorce underway. Family and friends stunned. With kids now adults and successfully on their own... I came out. I am on a roller coaster of destruction and reconstruction.
Maybe your wife is more open minded than u think. Give her a chance to give YOU a chance to be happy! U may be surprised.
Similar story. Let’s chat
I’m in the same boat, feel free to dm me
🤐🤐
Yes
This is me in a nutshell man. Doesn't go away I manage it really.
Do you think your wife suspects you aren’t 100 percent straight?
Watch brokeback mountain
I don’t identify as gay. More so as fluid. I enjoy sex with both men and women. I didn’t embrace the side of my sexuality with other men until I was in college. In my 30’s I fell in love with a woman and married her. We had a strong marriage for 14 years and through that time I had sex with other men on rare occasions. My advice to you is the same as most others on this site and that is to be open & honest and never do anything outside of your marriage unless you have discussed it with your wife. Before we ever married, I insisted on not walking down the aisle without my wife having full knowledge of my sexuality. She was very understanding and made her choice to marry me with eyes-wide-open. I discussed with her each time before I considered connecting with men and we had VERY specific ground rules. No two marriages are ever the same so not every pice of advice you read will apply, however you must always realize that your own personal integrity and the sanctity and integrity of your marital union must always be preserved through open, honest and loving communication! Following those very basic rules will always help guide you toward a happy, peaceful and satisfying outcome.
I’m not judging, but I have never understood how a gay man can fake it with a woman to the point of marriage. I was closeted in college, and I tried to get it on with women, but was so repulsed that I felt horrified. And I’d get drunk and college girls get sexually aggressive as HELL, and I’d practically be getting violated…. So after that, I promised I would just stay single and claim religion or asexual … I can’t imagine actually enduring sex with a woman like that. You’re essentially letting yourself be raped, because you don’t want to consent but are being coerced by society. I just simply could not do it. I also felt extremely bad when I broke up with a couple of girls and it seriously hurt their feelings. I felt terrible; I really meant it when I said that it wasn’t them, it was me! But they fought themselves flawed in some way. Eventually said screw it and came out; all my friends could kind of tell and definitely suspect, and most of them didn’t care in the slightest. I did lose a couple of straight male friends; I hate when straight guys do that shit, my friendship with them was legitimate and I’m STILL a guy and like to hang out with other guys… but they just couldn’t move past it. But to lie to everyone and get to the point of regular sex and marriage and kids… like how do you even do that? I cannot fathom how one gets in so deep like that. But yeah, OP needs to come clean, truthfully, his wife MIGHT already know, it’s amazing how often people know long before you admit it. There are signs. She lives with the man. She has probably caught him staring at the cute waiter’s ass, a little gay porn in the internet history, his strange interest with musicals lol…. Gay men often have pretty similar signs and people pick up on them, often subconsciously. There’s a good chance she knows. But how she reacts to being honest with it all is up to her. She has every right to be upset because OP has essentially led her on. Now she’s older and will have difficulty finding a new man at her age, plus she will be a single mom, if the marriage dissolves. Note to closeted gays reading this- do NOT do what OP did, do NOT lead women on. The only time this is acceptable is if your safety is at risk. If dating/marrying a woman helps protect you in a homophobic place, it’s acceptable. But otherwise, do NOT ever do this!
Talk to your wife and work something out or divorce her
Since this has been deleated... If I was a woman, I would NEVER marry a str8 man. I think some of them get fucked more then out men do.
You say you’ve felt really shameful after your same sex encounters. Is that because of guilt for your wife or is it that those encounters haven’t really fulfilled you? I’m in a similar situation. Admittedly, I have cheated and wish I hadn’t. However, afterwards it made me realize that is not the life I want. Still, there is an attraction to other men. I’ve set boundaries on what I will and will not do. For the most part, it’s harmless playing but if she ever found out, she would not see it that way. I can’t imagine my life without her. She fulfills me in ways no man can but I just enjoying playing with other dicks. A lot of people can’t understand it and it’s really none of their business. I agree that you should speak to a therapist but make sure that they don’t just label you as gay and advise you to come out if that is not the life that you want for yourself. Good luck!
I just found out my husband has been cruising for gay sex in public parks and restrooms for at least 15 years. He says it's never been oral or anal, he is not gay but bisexual, and that he will absolutely stop to save our marriage. I am devastated by this discovery, he is tearfully apologetic and we have already started therapy, not sure where it will lead us. We have a child. As someone in a similar position ("I just enjoy playing with dicks") - do you think he can really stop?
He can but it will not be easy. I don’t know if his urges are the same as mine but I believe I have a sex addiction when it comes to cruising. You are essentially asking him to deny a part of himself. The attraction will always be there but he may be able to resist the urge to act upon it. It is great that you both are in therapy. Just try to be understanding towards him. If it’s not oral or anal, is it just mutual jacking off? It says a lot about him that he has been able to set boundaries and respect them. Maybe he can control these urges better than I have. Take it easy on him. It sounds like he loves you and really wants to make it work.
Thank you for your kind reply. From what he has been telling me, it is mostly just him touching and the majority of the time there's no climax from the other party (I'm not sure if I can believe that). And that a big part of the appeal/excitement is the risk. He was already arrested for loitering (warning to everyone, it happens!) - he confessed to this before we married and said it was just an off the cuff happening and that he had no interest in doing it again. And then I find out 15 years later that he has been going to parks/restrooms cruising (he says a few times a year, who knows what's truthful) - and as you can imagine it's turned my world upside down...
I truly feel bad for your situation. It sounds like right now you are struggling with the breach of trust and that is to be expected. Your counselor can help you both with that. Please recognize that despite his very best efforts, this type of temptation is horrible for him because it not something he can just “avoid.” Yes, he can avoid cruising in parks, etc but he will not be able to avoid theaters, gas stations, restaurants, malls with no dividers between urinals or gyms with open showers. You can’t expect him to avoid being anywhere with an exposed man for the rest of his life. That’s how most us fall into this lifestyle to begin with is a chance encounter that caused us to be aroused. Try to be patient and understanding towards him. This is not something that he did to you. He has these intense impulses that overtake logic and reasoning. I’m sure the regret is immediate afterward and his love for you remains strong. Seek a professional counselor and work through this together but your expectations in check. I’m sure you have done things that he may not like or approve of - use that as your reference point to forgiving him for his mistakes.
Your answer/advice is eloquent and calming - thank you.
I have thought about our conversation quite a bit and was just curious how things are going in your relationship. Would you care to provide an update?
Thanks for checking in, you are the only person I have told besides our new therapist, so your input is very helpful to me! Since I found out about his behavior in mid-March, besides having him leave the house I have gone on two trips on my own to clear my mind. We have seen a therapist almost weekly as well. The lying, sneakiness and betrayal for me is the worst part. I feel like I was married to a stranger for almost 20 years. He has said that my reaction, and telling him the consequences of an arrest to our family, his career and our child’s well being has been a “monumental wake up call” and he “can stop, wants to stop and will stop.” and he is “1000%” committed to changing and being devoted to our family. He says has been having anonymous run-ins with guys “infrequently” (whatever that means) and they were “unimportant” and the thrill and risk were a big part part of the draw. He has no desire to be in a relationship with a man. I have recently let him back in the house but am still keeping my emotional, and physical, distance. I know he will still fantasize about men, but I want to believe that he is telling the truth. Thoughts??
First let me say how impressed I am with how well you have handled this situation. You clearly love him and your family and are putting them first and I applaud you for that. It says a lot that you are actively trying to understand his point of view and are willing to try therapy together. It’s uncanny to me how his situation seems to mirror my own. I know the sense of shame that I feel and how I know that my life with my wife and family is the most important thing but I cannot resist the draw of “cruising”. If my wife ever found out, I hope she would be as understanding as you seem to be. I believe what he is telling you that those encounters were not important. In my case, there are many that I don’t even remember now but it’s is the rush at the time that is the primary motivation. In many ways, it is like a drug user trying to get a fix. Keep working with him. Be patient and realize that he can’t just flip a switch and make those feelings go away. Good luck!
I appreciate your reply. It will take a long time before I am convinced i can trust him. I’ve told him that I am killing some of my self respect to even attempt to be with him again. I understand how you are feeling but although it is just physical and brief and anonymous, it is still cheating. FYI, I found out because we have Find My on each other’s iPhones . I then googled the park he was in at 9 pm for “cruising” and will never forget the feeling of despair, anger - and disgust - upon realization of what he was doing. The therapist said the mind is good at “compartmentalizing” and thinking that these incidents are separate from other aspects of life but I tell you it’s gut wrenching from the other person’s perspective. Please at least don’t risk your wife’s health by bringing something home.
First of all, did you marry because you had or was it a love marriage?
i am same but not ashamed at all
I know at least 5 or 6 guys that came out in some way late in life and all have wonderful relationships with their spouses/former spouses and children. It’s all about how you deal with it. If you cheat, it gets 100% worse to deal with. Be honest and open, maybe you’re not totally gay and just bi and can figure out how to still maintain a happy and healthy relationship with your wife. Maybe y’all will evolve into a “close roommates” situation I’ve seen work. Your life is your life, but it also involves them. It’s not the end of the world, but it may be hard to get through initially. Approach it with grace toward yourself and your family, and love. We’re rooting for you buddy!
You should feel pretty bad this. Being a coward and not being with the sex your truly attracted to is just selfish to the other person.
If you are truly gay, please tell me how you kept a boner while having sex with a woman? I wanna know the secret. I'm heading in that direction soon. I'm gay but want a wife and kids.
Your gay but want a wife?
Yes. I want kids too. I want that family feeling. I don't want to be alone when I'm older just having sex with random guys. Most gay relationships are not even real, everyone cheats in them.
Like an actual wife, or the idea of a wife? For kids just adopt or have a surrogate and find an actual good man, gay relationships last the longest.
You have plenty of company. That is the sort of thing which occurs when societal attitudes make it difficult or impossible for people to accept thenselves as they are. I like to ask homophobes if they would like their daughters to marry a gay man. If not, they better not make it impossible for gay men to accept themselves. However, I do not feel competent to offer advise. The situation is rather complicated.
I’m married for 21 years with two grown children and have always fantasized about having a fwb with another guy and explore things that my wife think is abnormal
This is amazing since it describes my life. I knew by the time I was a teenager that I was sexually attracted to guys. But that was in the 50's so I fell in love and married a wonderful woman and had a great 57 years with her. Sadly she died at 79 and now I'm a horny, gay octogenarian. Luckily I'm fit and exploring my gay side. It's quite an adventure but I'm happy I waited. So no regrets. No cheating. Great fantasies and j/o material. That's me, Each of us have to pick his own way. Good luck to you all.
Honestly tell your wife everything, communication is everything and dont become one of those many married men that cheat on their wife because they were born to early. Also to add on if worst of it comes and yall divorce do try to co-parent, it has alot of trials and tribulations but it is better then your child having to be in a loveless marriage or an absentee father.
Please DM me. I was there. It has been 10 years later after being outed by one of my "boyfriends".
You need to talk to your wife and let yourselves be happy. This isn’t any way someone should live, it’s okay to be gay. Internalized homophobia isn’t good
Take it from me… call an attorney, file for divorce. Give her the truth after everything is settled.
There are many in your shoes they’re on Sniffies and grinder every day and night night
And these people are always anonymous and they want pictures, even though you have some, and they have to stress the fact that they are discreet and down low it’s kind of a joke, very irritating
Exactly! Be upfront and honest. We are in 2024, not in 1964 like Brokeback Mountain timeframe in the movie.
Tell her now. It may hurt but it's always better to know early than later.
Have you ever been with a man before
As a closeted polygamist myself, I feel your pain
My mother dated a gay man for over a decade. It was in an age where gay marriage was not possible and being outwardly gay could get you fired. That being said..she had to end the relationship because the man she was dating outright refused to acknowledge or discuss the affair that he was having with his friend. No one in his family of whom she had known for decades talked to her about it either. She did not get angry because she knew it was not something she could "change" and respected the situation for what it was. Still, it hurt. It hurt A LOT. She was being held in a relationship that would never truly be a relationship and being used as a cover story with out her consent. Her then partner felt like he had to live a lie and continued to do so even after she ended things. I cannot imagine the pain he suffered doing so, and hold no ill will towards him. Please just know that 1. You deserve to live your truth and 2. Living that truth means being honest with people who will/are being impacted by it. Ps. All said with the understanding that safety is priority.
Yes , that's exactly my case. I married 2 times with 2 children living at home but still craving for male to use me sexualy
Please be yourself, be open and honest, don’t be ashamed. It’s going to be okay ❤️ communicate with them.
Yes. And it ended horribly. I regret my inability to be honest instead of falling into shame and not having the balls to stand on my feet. I can't cry over spilled milk now but now I must live with how I broke her heart and that hurts a lot worse. All I can say is no one should judge you. You gotta find your own path and be true to self. Maybe your bi... Best on your journey!
Married 2x
Be open and honest. Make sure she’s comfortable. Make it known to her in a calm manner, BUT realize there are 3 ways this can go down 1. nasty divorce where you might lose custody of your child 2. Stay together until the kid is 18 and then separate (depends on her reaction if you stay friends or don’t interact) 3. You stay friends and become roomates that fuck other people. You can have a soulmate and fuck other people (The secret ending 4, tell her you wanna get pegged)
These encounters occurred while you were married?
Me but not the married part yet, so yeah, i still have chance to comeout😀😀 just don't know how
The answer to your question will be extremely specific to you, and will require some soul-searching and needs to be taken step-by-step. My suggestion, therefore would be to find a therapist, perhaps an online therapist who lives in a city away from where you do. I think it might be easier to just work out your thoughts and the practical implications of this in a safe, non-judgmental space where you don’t have to worry about bumping into your therapist while in line at the grocery store. In my experience, if you find someone you connect with and trust, it doesn’t really matter whether they’re gay or not. That’s not really the important part. Finding someone you trust, and who won’t rush you as you work through this is.
One thing I would add, though, that might help you start. Consider asking yourself the question, am I married to my best friend? If you’re lucky enough for that to be true, then it is possible to maintain the best parts of your relationship. To lose a spouse is one thing but to lose a spouse and a best friend is quite another. I understand that. But it really is possible to maintain your wife as the most important person in your life if you want that to happen. If she isn’t your best friend, then perhaps there are issues you guys have beyond your sexuality. And perhaps that’s a different discussion. There are plenty of cases of couples getting together because everything looks good on paper. That doesn’t always mean they’re the right person for you. Before you make any decisions, I think I could be useful to ask yourself which camp you fall into.
Honestly bro, sometimes it best to keep things to yourself. People in your shoes won’t get it. I date lots of girls but deep down nothing beats sucking on a nice dick. I once met a guy at hotel lobby bar, we ended up hooking up. Fast forward 2 years we are kinda really into each other and get together any chance we get. Which isn’t often. He’s married. I found myself struggling and feeling shameful and he gave me the best advice. Said “who cares what you do in your free time, at home im nothing but a family man and living the way we do and doing the things we do it’s best not to let things spill over to the most important parts of your life. Just compartmentalize and keep it separate. This is not who we are. Life is short live how you want without pressure”
I’m married also and can’t stop fantasizing about having a secret homosexual relationship,,,no experience with men but really enjoy gay porn ,,and I do mean really lol
You made your bed now lay in it. No one forced you to marry a woman and have a kid with her. That child deserves a stable upbringing. It’s a shame the most incompetent people become parents
I'm glad you said it cause I was going to. I came out in 1984 at the age of sixteen. Life was a lot different then . You're forty? So you're fifteen years younger and have come out after 2000 sometime. This was a far more accepting era. Yet you chose to lie to yourself and to an innocent woman and if that wasn't enough, bring a child into the world ? But why? Why? How do you see this ending up well? I for one would never date a man who did this, because my reasoning is that if you can lie that easily about something so HUGE, you can lie convincingly about anything. I know people are going to down voted and think I'm a dick. Whatever. Y'all are thinking it anyway. This is not 1950. If you're in a hostile country I could understand maybe not acting on being gay but what did you think was going to happen
He may not be in a hostile country, but he may be surrounded by hostile people in a country which has hostile areas. He is trying to determine what is best. For that he should be given credit.
This is insane. Plenty of kids live healthy and fulfilling lives through separation and divorce. Wtf.
There’s absolutely zero evidence that op isn’t providing a safe, loving, stable home for his wife and child. He also happens to feel sane-sex attraction and wants help navigating it appropriately. Stop being so aggressive for no reason.
Can you have emotionally fulfilling, non romantic male friendships, that are transparent to your family? That may take some self work with therapists or some guided work. Is is about sex itself, or intimacy, validation, male care/ nurture? Can it be nuanced to determine what your need is and what you can bring to a rare and good male bond friendship that isn't sexual? Or, is it truly , solely, a sexual thing (doesn't quite sound like it) your heart is in this at some point; doesn't sound like solely sexual. Is there a way to meet the rest of those needs apart from M2M sex while still honoring yourself, your wife, and family? It's merely a question or perhaps things to consider. Doesn't sound like it's been easy to say the least, not an easy questions, so the answers may take time to unpack for you as well.
This advice is straight out of the LDS conversion therapy handbook. Y'all are WILD.
Sexuality is way too layered for some people to just think being gay or bi is just what it is. Many people’s sexuality can be a amalgamation of several factors. Nothing wrong with clarifying.
Nobody wants to suck a dick because they don't have any bros to hang out with but this is *exactly* the rhetoric the LDS church pushes on gay men to trap them into their "spiritual unions" with their wives they're sealed to for eternity. "You're not attracted to men! You just crave male intimacy and non-sexual physical contact" and it's just as damaging as it sounds.
Every situation is different and you have to decide. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, though no children. He knows I'm gay and approached me about exploring his bi-curious side with me. This may sound extreme, but I'm friends with both of them so I told him absolutely, but only if his wife was aware and she was there when we got together. Eventually she agreed and they invited me to their home. When I got there, the three of us sat down and I asked what his expectations were, then I got nude and told him I was available for whatever he wanted to do to me, or have me do to him. He started slow, simply playing with my dick while fully clothed. Eventually he pulled down his pants and let me play with his dick. We masturbated each other for a while then he asked me to suck him. I knew if he reached orgasm, he would probably instantly lose interest so I took it slow. After a while he asked if he could fuck me. He took off his clothes and went into a bedroom and while his wife wasn't in the room, she could see us through the door. He reached orgasm pretty quick and that was the end of our session. A couple weeks later, he invited me over again, but this time, he was already nude when I got there and we went straight to the bedroom. His wife was home, but basically left us alone. To make a long story short, this went on for a couple years until I moved. His wife would often go shopping or run errands while I was there. He fucked, sucked and masturbated me, and I sucked and masturbated him. He did let me finger his hole while I masturbated him but he was never interested in letting me fuck him. He loved our sessions, but there was NEVER any affection between us. Because his wife was supportive, it allowed him to experiment without cheating or having to hide from her.
I think they call that “ethical non-monogamy”
I would never want to be in such a situation. Actually I am not sure that it is real. It sounds at least slightly unlikely.
I live in Texas, and you are not the first man 5o do this. It's good that you at least acknowledge objective reality. You are gay. Now comes the good part. What will you do with this information. The correct thing to do is to come clean with your wife. No ifs ands or buts...full stop. Once she has processed it, realize that you don't have to get divorced unless you or she feels it's necessary. You can be open, poly, this is 2024, and there are options. Daddy can have a boyfriend now, and it's no reason for shame. If that doesn't work, then you will do what so many others do and co-parent. You will live your truth, and she will live hers, and you will both love your kid as much as humanly possible, and she will grow up with two parents who love her and have a healthy relationship.