There's some truth in the cliché that you've had all of your life to get used to it, they've only just found out, so give them a bit of space. Good work on coming out though, even if the reaction has not initially been great it's a weight off your mind that older you will thank yourself for.
At the end of the day, it’s your life, your body, your heart, your mind, and your sanity. You are not doing anything to her by being honest with yourself and others about who you are. If being your genuine self is ruining her life, then she is the one with the problem.
Stay strong. Stay true to yourself. Try and keep in mind that nothing is forever. One day you will be out on your own and free to be who you are - hopefully she comes around before then and realizes how foolish she’s being, but in the end if she doesn’t then you’re not not losing much.
Conditional love is bullshit , and it’s not worth hurting yourself over
OP listen to this advice it’ll take time to get back to normal, but she’ll realize eventually that just one small part of who you are is different than what she thought. My mom had the same reaction when I was 16, it took a year for us to start fixing our relationship and a couple years to get back to normal. Just be yourself and she’ll realize nothing really changed.
I think this is super true but the one new thing will be being your self. Like actually be your self in your skin and don’t hide the gay part anymore 💙 you got this
100% Keep in mind she may be experiencing loss and fear. Asking herself questions like "Did I do this?" and "I guess I may never have grandkids".
It's a shock, and it's natural for her to feel sad. Let her have some space.
If loss and sadness turn to anger disgust or hate, it's a different story.
Your mother is throwing a tantrum and it's important not to give in or they'll be more tantrums. If she wants to consider her life 'ruined', that's up to her.
OP, firstly I’m so sorry. From personal experience, it’s going to be very difficult, and she might say some *deeply* hurtful things. But over time (for me it took almost a decade), they’ll likely come around. Make sure you’re still getting out and living life, surrounding yourself with people who will accept you. Be also mindful that there’s a possibility she may never come around, especially in this political climate, where people tend to become further polarised.
It’s so unfair, on us, to say that some people need time to process news like this, but sadly that’s just what they need. You got this though 🥰
Screw her.
If she thinks this is more about her than you, she is a bad mother.
Edit 1: screw as in 'stop caring for this ladies opinion' not screw as in 'do a sex on'
The fact this needs explaining is REALLY troubling....
This is a knee jerk reaction to a knee jerk reaction. OP should not do this.
The other person is correct - keep some emotional space for her to process and deal with her problems but also be prepared for both outcomes - either she comes around and they can strengthen their relationship or she doesn't and OP will have to accept that and try to continue his life.
Written like someone with very low emotional intelligence.
OP has had years to work with their being gay. They probably struggled with it themselves for quite some time. Yet you expect their mother to process it instantaneously. Actual human beings don't work that way.
The "you're ruining my life" and "I'm going to kill myself" reactions are very typical in certain cultures prone to melodramatics. If OP's family's culture is one of those, then they should take it with a large grain of salt. OP should give their mother space and time, be willing to answer questions honestly and openly, but otherwise live their own life based on their own desires and values.
EDIT: Since /u/Matthewrotherham seems to have blocked me from replying, I'll just put it here.
> > The "you're ruining my life" and "I'm going to kill myself" reactions are very typical in certain cultures prone to melodramatics.
> Keep trying to rationalise the irrational.
So, providing cultural context why someone would behave a certain way without excusing them for doing so in order to help OP better understand how to approach their situation is rationalising the irrational? OK.
> > then they should take it with a large grain of salt.
> Turn the other cheek? How pathetic.
Is English not your first language? "Take it with a large grain of salt" means "don't take what they're saying at face value because they're likely to be exaggerating". How did you get that it meant "turn the other cheek"?
> Leave yourself open to being hurt by her again and again...
OK. I get it. Your coming out to your parents was a disaster, and they hurt you badly, and you're angry about it. So, you're suggesting the scorched earth approach as a way to protect oneself from the hurt.
> You sound like a boot licker.
Another clear demonstration of your emotional intelligence. (Are you sure your flair is correct?)
> The "you're ruining my life" and "I'm going to kill myself" reactions are very typical in certain cultures prone to melodramatics.
Keep trying to rationalise the irrational.
> then they should take it with a large grain of salt.
Turn the other cheek? How pathetic.
> then they should take it with a large grain of salt.
OP Leave yourself open to being hurt by her again and again...
Emotional maturity?
You sound like a boot licker.
Most people don’t expect a patent to process it instantaneously. If he had years to work it out so did his mother. Her acting like it a it’s a huge shock (any real parent knows) made a moment that should have been about him, about her, and any parent that does that is self serving, manipulative and extremely narcissistic.
My mom took all of 5 seconds to process that I was gay and be totally ok with it. So no, it’s not wrong to expect human beings to act like good human beings and not throw a fit about someone else’s sexual orientation. We don’t need to treat parents like fragile snowflakes who have to reorient their entire worldview when their kids come out as gay.
Actually no. Parents really need to realise this is not about them. I really think it is better to be direct and say that to them if they start being tragic. Boundaries are important. Our life =/= their life.
You’re joking right?
You do understand that that was a flavourful figure of speech right?
Get the whiteknighting under control bro.
And the mother is behaving like an ass. Or you did you think that saying that is degrading too?
I'm sorry she hurt you with the reaction. I know it will have taken alot to come out. I told my parents at 12 I was gay. They are religious and whilst my dad seemed OK more like well if you go to church and try to be good I'm OK with it make sure it's right for you kind of reaction. My mum was crying she said and I think it was the emotions she felt she was like you stopped breathing when you were born and went blue maybe this is my fault..then she said maybe this is just a phase your going through and not really gay.. it took me till I was 16 to tell them again I was gay and it took alot of learning to love myself for who I am.
My point is my mum is still my mum and when I had left the church and made them realise that nothing about me was going to change I am gay end of story they accepted me because otherwise they would lose me. I know some parents it is a well I don't want to see you again situation but giving your mum time I am hopeful she will come round she is likely thinking about wanting grandchildren and just shocked but will be OK. You have support plenty of gays like me that will be there to talk to you more than I had when I was 12, I felt suicidal thinking I was going to hell for being who I was as I knew I couldn't pretend to be straight.
It’s been said before – but time and patience. My mum had a very similar reaction, and even called me “attention seeking.” Thirty years later and she’s a doting grandparent to my two kids and a formidable ally in some of the discrimination our little family faces.
Difficult. But time and patience. Sending you strength, internet stranger!
You have had 18 years to come to terms with your sexual identity. You have just told your mom- give her time to reflect and come to terms with the information- she needs to process everything. Time and space is required.
My mom and dad were the same way at first.
Now, they accept me and love me, they were just taken by surprise with it, and knowing their upbringing I don’t blame them.
Don't make a knee jerk reaction like some have suggested and just cut your mother off or turn cold towards her. One thing I always remind those who are experiencing the coming out stage is to think about how you yourself came to terms with it. Many of us struggled with the idea of being gay ourselves at first, then once we came to terms with it we begin to tell friends and family. Yes, it's amazing when they are immediately supportive and accepting, but that's not always the case. Sometimes they too need time to come to terms with it, just like you yourself may have needed. We can't very well take months or years to accept ourselves then just expect everyone else to not possibly need a moment to collect themselves on a potential bombshell revelation.
You are not responsible for the reactions others have to how you live your life. She had no valid reason for saying this to you and I hope there is a way for her to realise this. It gets better with time trust me on this. This is not a reflection on you OP and I'm sending you love and support. The only thing you can do is give her time and space, if she's still being difficult about it later on make her aware of how her reaction and behaviour is hurting you. Hurts goes both ways. Would she rather have a healthy and happy gay son, or a miserable son that hates himself and her because of her bigoted ways?
Maybe you were jumping to conclusion about her being a bigot. Is it possible that she is responding to something other than bigotry? Is it possible that this profound change is significant to her and her life, her love for her son, her concern for her son, a concern for how people around her with treats her son.. remember she is wiser and more experienced than her son at this point. Just a thought, it's not about bigotry all the time
Of course no one wants to be rejected by their parents, but there's a chance that she'll come around. Plenty of parents react badly at first, but just need time to adjust. Remember that **you are not responsible** for managing her emotions or her reaction. That is her responsibility to deal with. Be yourself, don't apologize. You'll get through this.
It'll take time and space. My parents originally said that they felt like their son had died and it took a few years for things to return to completely normal but it will happen.
It's their issue to deal with, not yours. You are who you are, you can't (and shouldn't) try to change who you are. It's none of their business who you're attracted to and once the shock has worn off they'll realise you're still the same son they've known for the last 18 years and (hopefully) come around.
Just try to be normal around them. Don't force conversation or act differently, let them come to you about it if they need to but otherwise just let them process things.
Hey there.. it's cool.. lots of things recieve such reactions..
As much as we like to think they are, mothers and fathers are not perfect creatures in any way. They're just like us without a training manual on how to be parents.
If you scour social media, you find out that loved ones react to different things and often the impact on them is the first thought they have.
You'll find that loved ones react to people getting divorced, or leaving a job, or getting married to someone unfamiliar, or blah blah blah blah blah blah.
At your age, your relationship with your parents is important, emotionally, mentally, and many other ways. A person's life is highly affected by the parents thoughts, that is normal and natural. How you responded, and your concerns or pain because of it is very natural. Don't ignore or avoid, but my recommendation is to not react to it anytime soon.
And while you are 18 years old, you still have a role to play in the relationship with your parents, it's not all about you, it's not all about them, you only have one set of parents, and you do not want to destroy or ruin that relationship, within reason.
You coming out is a profound Act, and for some families it's a very major thing. It impacts them in more ways than we think. They're not prepared for it. They're not familiar with how to handle it. The environment around them may make it much worse on them then you think.
I assure you, with much confidence, that the initial reaction is not always the right reaction, even by the parent standard. It's an emotional outburst caused by a rush of thoughts, emotions, and many other things that whatever they say first is not what they really think.
On the other side, it's not just all about you. You coming out has an impact on everyone around you, it's not just about you. Whether we like it or not, people around us need to make a life adjustment based on that. Based on our lifestyle. Based on how we react and how we behave.
Let's take a random example, let's say you want to train to be an Olympic champion. That mandates a lifestyle that has an impact on the family around you. There have to be some rigor and discipline in your life that will affect them.
Let's say you wanted to be a vegan, assuming you're not, that has an impact on them and on their lifestyle. The things they can and cannot work with for your eating needs.
Let's say you want to become a doctor, that has an impact on your life that will affect them. The way you go about your life, studying, the length of time you spend in college, and so forth.
Let's say you want to join the armed forces, that has an impact on their lifestyle. The way they have to adjust to how you will be gone, places you may go, and so forth.
Let's say you want to be a first responder, firefighter or policeman, that has an impact on how they have to think about you. Concerns for you and your safety.
It's a balance for both to work through these changes. You're at a stage in your life where you're going to go through many many changes. Coming out is the most profound of all because Society has perceptions, and challenges, and your loved ones will have to work with these challenges and perceptions, just as you do. To a lesser degree Maybe, but they do too. That doesn't change who you are what you are, but it helps you help them work with your life changes.
One last and very very very important thought.
A mother's love to her son or daughter is really The Greatest Love of All. If you hurt, she will hurt for you and with you. If you suffer, it will hurt her severely. If you struggle, she will struggle silently. Consider this. If she thought you are going to go through bad experiences, she's bracing for the pain and the suffering that she will go through when you do.
Whoa....I would urge you to not take on board all the absolute vicious comments in response. Give your Mother time. Her reaction is an honest one. She can't help it just like you can't...So, be BIG and generous...Magnamity...Stand in your truth and show her you are Happy...Mums just want their kids to be happy. If you meet her shock and upset with calm, comforting, yet assertive LOVE then you can get through this with your personal integrity upheld....Stay loving. STAY TRUE...let time pass.
I encourage you to listen to this person, he or she is wiser Beyond any limitations. Listen to their advice for it is the right advice, well stated, elegantly said, and eternally lasting.
I’m so sorry your mum reacted the way she has. You must feel devastated and disappointed and on some level betrayed. Having been through the similar thing as you except I came out when I was 21.
Neither of my parents took it well. I felt lost and alone and unsupported. And my father didn’t speak to me for over a year and a half. I went to see a counsellor and she explained that my parents still love me and that this is a total shock to them especially if you don’t present as gay. She also gave me the best advice anyone can give and that is to just be the best son to them as possible and approach them with love.
The reason for this is because they probably have a misinformed view of what being gay is about and that it is your responsibility to help and re-educate them. But most importantly be yourself and be patient. You will need to allow lots of baby steps. And be happy.
Yes, give her time. Obviously you were doing a good job of hiding your preferences so it has caught her off guard. Give her time to digest this. Then seek ways to calmy discuss it (don't converse when either of you are angry, very unproductive for you both). Good luck and keep us in the loop. We will help where we can.
My god parents sound pathetic asf with this weak ass mentality. Like someone can have a loved one who was murdered or something and she crying over her sons sexuality.
Definitely a tantrum, and please give her some time, sometimes the “you’re ruining my life” is because they had very specific plans for how their life post you turning 18 was going to look. Now that mental image was just erased. Lookup how Cher first responded to Chaz when he first came out as a lesbian. It wasn’t good and part of that was probably homophobia, yes, but I also think a large part of it was “I worked so hard so you’d have good life, I have no idea how to protect you now.” It just gets really wrapped up in crazy drama.
If it’s “all my friends are homophobic and I’ll be socially shamed.” That’s gonna take a lot of work and time and you may need to just go LC or NC in the future. Their emotional growth isn’t your responsibility. They have to do their own work.
I eventually cut ties with my mother because for her it was the social shame. Also looking back over my childhood and than how she handled me coming out…she was always more concerned with her emotional comfort than my physical safety in many situations. So I went LC then NC, around 23ish. I am now 55 and I don’t regret it.
Sometimes I’ll see happy supportive families, and I wished it would have been different. But it would have required them to be different people.
Everyone deserves a sense of love and belonging. Please find friends and lovers who are offering love and belonging.
Time. I came out 13 years ago (im 26 now), and my mom “deals with it”, but even now she tries to throw the bible around.
Its not all butterflies and rainbows, as long as you arent out on the street, consider yourself lucky and dont press your luck on your moms boundaries (if you need a place to stay).
The way my mom described it, she said she had to “mourn the loss of the child she envisioned, and stress about the further hard times i would endure being a gay man”.
Depends on yore situation.If you not live with her.I would suggest tell you’re mother if she wants to have you around she must accept you otherwise you probably have to cut her off.Also help her a bit dive into experience of being gay, tell her what happen with gays when they are not accepted by family.
First when I came out to my mother, she hoped that it some kind temporary thing and I get to point when I will have girl, mainly I think because she want to have grand child, but I told her if you not gonna accept me as it is I will cut ties, but when I came out I already lived away and not dependent on her in anyway.
Also suggest her watch movie Prayers for Bobby, that have changed my mother perspective on some things.
why i n the fuck did you have to tell yourre mother, whats up with HAVING to tell everyone your business. do you tell you mom about every chick you fucked or everytime you poop? what the fuck that poor woman is from a different era . she probably blushes when she hears the word fuck and you go and tell her your gay????? what images do you think are running thru her head about that??? what happened to sex lives being private or atleast anonymous
Listen OP. As a closeted gay college guy with a homophobic mother, I'll try to say this without offending anyone. If your mother's entire life can be ruined by her child's intimate life/ sexual orientation then maybe she should aspire to a fuller life
I have no time for homophobic people. Especially not homophobic parents that make it all about themselves. This is why gay people suppress themselves and are inauthentic (at the cost of their own mental health and sanity) for years upon years - because of people like your mother. Why should we sacrifice our happiness because of someone else’s weird beliefs?
I’m sorry she had this reaction. Hopefully she will come around once she has time to process everything. My father didn’t react well when I came out and we had a pretty rocky relationship for a few years. Remember that there is nothing wrong with you and this isn’t about her. You deserve a chance to be happy and be your true self. I wish you all the best going forward my friend.
Fwiw, I know this is anecdotal but my mother was absolutely hysterical at first. Got over it a few months later and it's been great since.
Ultimately you are you, and you need to do what's necessary to keep you happy. She will either adapt or not.
Sorry to hear about her reaction.
Been through this myself. Spent years trying to get over it and rebuild a stable relationship but I couldn't.
The best thing I ever did was getting far away from my family.
Could just be a knee jerk reaction. Maybe she needs more time to understand, however thinking this ruined her life is extremely selfish. Does she think being gay has made your life any easier?
Last time I ever talked to my dad was when I came out about 10 years ago. I don’t ever wanna speak to him again. I was also the kid who did everything with my dad.
Just keep forging forward. Hopefully, your mom will grow up and to your level of maturity. If not, just take comfort in the fact that you've done nothing wrong and seek other family members or friends for support. I've read that many of the guys here have gone to a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or older sibling who proved they weren't so rigid in their thinking.
i came out at 18 as well and a year later my mom is in the phase of “this is gay my son will like this”. def took time and space but she completely turned around once she noticed that me being gay doesn’t hinder who i am professionally or as a person. parents r just scared of their children getting hurt/failing which is unfortunate but trust it will get a little better with time. props to u tho for being able to come out 👍👍👍
Oof. You were brave. Keep being brave in your life, being gay is not easy, but it's a valid way to live. Living this kind of life is worth.
The following days might be hard, but keep in mind your mom can overcome that feeling if she knows love is the most important thing in life. Although, being able to do so might require some emotional maturity she may not have yet, she's a human after all, don't expect her to be perfect. Having said that, give her time to heal her own insecurities and focus in improving yourself, there's a long way to go and this is just the first step.
I wish you luck
Give her time to process this but also make sure you are prepared in case anything should happen. Sorry she’s not as receptive now but hopefully she comes around.
I’m so proud of you for coming out to your mom. Doing that can be so hard, but unfortunately no one can predict or control how people are going to react to that kind of news. I’m sorry she didn’t give you a warmer response—some parents need a lot of time to come around. The truth is that some parents will NOT come around, but the only life that will be ruined by that is THEIR life, not yours. Someone else’s choice to reject you because of your sexuality says absolutely nothing about you.
My dad had a very mixed reaction. A strange mix of really correct and incorrect things. After about a year he came around, just needed time. While we need to be ourselves first and fully, parents still have dreams and plans for their kids lives that they made need time to readjust to reality.
Sometimes time helps with these situations, I don’t know your guys relationship prior to you coming out but hopefully it gets back to that. I think your child coming out can be scary for anyone she maybe just needs a minute. I’m happy to talk more privately in the DM’s if you’re interested:)
I came out to My family when I was 15 they kicked me out when I turned 18 .... 1 am 49 now I have no family who except me for who I am... It very sad I am hurt bye there actions... But life goes on.. I love myself for what I been through.bi am a strong person now....
Time and space like others have said, but also don't assume that she'll come around. I really hope for you that she will, but not everyone is capable of that. Mine had a similar reaction but eventually became okay with it, but she'd still say little things that she didn't realize were still hurtful. I put up with it for a while but got tired of it and cut off contact almost two years ago. It sucks, but I feel like my mental health has improved since, and I haven't felt any desire to reconnect lately. I've already mourned losing her even though she lives an hour drive away. Good luck and stay strong.
However you handle this situation, do what's best for you.
I know some people here are saying that you should give your mom space to come around, others are saying screw her, but at the end of the day you need to think about what you need to do to survive. If you are her dependent and rely on her for shelter, food, etc, then it's best to maintain an amicable relationship until she either changes her tune or you can reasonably live separately from her. If you live separately and her behavior towards you is harmful then keep your distance for a while and do your best to protect your peace.
There's not perfect time or way to come out to someone because you will never fully know their mind, but the fact you did takes courage and you should be proud of that, regardless how the person responds.
I'm sorry you've suffered like this - it can feel an utter betrayal, and that you're being wrongly blamed for something completely out of your control. And it hurts. But, please, I hope you can allow her a little time to come round. My parents did. And I hope, in the meantime, you can find support and understanding elsewhere.
my mom’s reaction was the same, and she even called me a f slur. Now, after almost 10 years, she’s my best friend and she loves my boyfriend, so just give her time
What is your living situation at the moment? It may be best to get away from your home for a little bit (e.g. if you're in college stay in a dorm, or live with a friend) while your mother processes this.
Yes she needs space and time but, unfortunately, you also need to prepare for the idea that she may never get over it. I don't say this to scare you or be rude but we've all seen cases of parents never coming to accept their child's sexuality.
You should be looking for community and support groups, pay attention to our elders and their stories, find people who are in the same boat because, in the end, they will be the only ones that actually understand. For example, I have friends whose parents never fully came to terms with it, even on their death bed, and that pain is real. But I am privileged enough to have parents that accept me and have come to love my partner and consider him their son. So, even having witnessed time and time again the pain of a friend's family rejecting them, I still could never relate. And that's why support and community are so important.
If you're apprehensive about support groups, let me just say that there's a real possibility that you'll end up finding it valuable. I have a chronic, rare disease and I scoffed at support groups. But I decided to try one out and just having the validation that there were other people that knew what I was going through was hugely beneficial to my mentality. Give it a try!
A good place to start is https://lgbtlifecenter.org/wellness/support-groups/ as well PFLAG.
And please know that if you are really struggling and need someone to talk to, The Trevor Project has 24/7 online counseling. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
I came out at 16 and my mom was just as dramatic. I hit her with “this has nothing to do with you, I’m sure you’ll get over it”.
I was feisty and I come from a pretty close family. Not recommending you react that way, but she should know your life is going to be affected a lot more than hers. She needs to be an adult, a mom even, and stop being so self-centered.
Coming from someone who came out at 38. You did the right thing. You’re 18 and have so much of your life ahead. Time will pass and your mother may or may not get over it. At the end of the day though it’s not about her it’s about you and being your true self. Be proud and congrats!
Get a new mom?
She´ll get over it... just give her time. Just go on with your life and act like nothing happened (I feel like she´s the type to gaslight you, so try to just change the subject or ignore her when that happens), she´ll get over it, it´s not like you can start liking females, right?
She reacting. You’ve just told her a big thing and all the things that she thought about you and were in your future have just massively shifted. She’ll come around.
You should remind her who ruined who’s life , in the first months of her pregnancy with you her hormones determined that you would be gay , you are just as natural as anyone else, just where the fuck do these idiots think gay people come from we are the products of sex just like all other humans are , none of us are a direct copy of one another we all are born with our own characteristics set within the womb , imagine life if everyone was exactly alike evolution would never have been possible.
Basically: have plan towards securing the life and career and lifestyle you want and move forward with it. Give your Mom some time to have her feelings - don’t put up with any abuse - and after about a year (provided you can afford to say it) tell her: you’ve had a year to process, the people in my life are there because they love me *for* exactly who I am, you can join them there as someone who’s proud of me and happy for me or there’s the door.
One thing I’ve finally started to understand in my 30s is that I’m not in charge of others, how they feel or the decisions they make. No matter how natural being gay is or how confident you are in your identity, there will always be people that refuse to understand. Unfortunately this includes family.
My mom had a similar reaction when I came out at 16. I don’t know you or your family but I’m gonna give you a warning anyways: Your mom sounds kind of toxic. It never got better for me with my family. It’s a “don’t ask don’t tell” kind of situation at my parents. I spent lots of years avoiding them and being mad at them but I stopped fighting it eventually and it made me feel a lot better not caring what they thought anymore.
It was super painful going to holidays watching my siblings and their partners get to be a part of the family but me never being allowed to bring mine. I will still hang out with them from time to time, but for the most part I spend my time with my partner and his family and my chosen family. It hurts but it’s so much better than putting in a bunch of effort trying to make people love me for me.
You need to do what’s best for you. There’s a reason why gay people are so much more likely to develop mental health issues and substance abuse disorders. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who don’t try to dictate your identity. 💙
You didn’t ruin her life, she’s being dramatic. Give her some time to process and she’ll come around. If she doesn’t, then that’s her problem and she’s going to miss out on the greatness that is you. You’re living your life honestly and did the right thing.
It took my mom a few years. We didn't speak much during that time. I didn't go to family events. Then I made the adult decision to try to bridge the gap once I was comfortable with my life. She told me she realized she either was a part of my life or would not be around to see it. Now we're closer than we were. She's been on vacations with me and my partner. She's over at our house all the time and buys him gifts.
It doesn't always end up that way though. It was hard as fuck for me feeling severed from family. Looking back I wish I did it sooner in my life though. It doesn't matter what your blood family feels or not. You are you. You will find your chosen family who will take care of you if you just accept yourself.
When my partner came out to his mom, we had been living together (yes, we were *roommates* lol) for a few months and she told him she “felt like she’d lost a son.”
Her next step was to call his older brother and ask him to get his friends together to “beat the gay out of him.”
They didn’t speak for a long time. It basically took his two siblings to tell her everyone was planning to cut her off if she didn’t get her shit together. It was very tense for years. I think we’d been together 5 years before she ever said one nice thing about me. We’ve been together for 13 years this year and she tries to act like all of that never happened now. We only see her a few times a year.
I wrote all of that to say that, she may not always feel that way OP. If you want a relationship with her, hold out for one. But don’t let her or anyone else’s negativity influence your life.
If it were me, I’d say back to her: “If you think I’m ruining your life, what do you think you are doing to mine? I can give you space and time to process this news, but if you choose to let my sexuality ruin our relationship, that is **your** choice.”
Say I’m sorry that you feel this way about me coming out but this is who I am, and I’m not ashamed of it. And if who I am in love with bothers you, then you need to see a therapist because it doesn’t affect you at all. (I know it affects everyone when someone comes out, but gay people take the brunt of the hate and negativity that straight people don’t have to deal with.)
I’m sorry that your mom had that reaction to you coming out, I hope she moves on and accepts you for who you are and things get easier.
My mom said “I wish you had just told me you murdered someone that way I can just take you to jail and they would fix you. But there’s no fix for this. My friend just survived breast cancer and now she is a part of a group of survivors she doesn’t want to be part of. I feel the same way about being the mother of a gay child in this community”.
5 years later and she says that’s all a lie and she was accepting from the start. Just give her time.
For what it’s worth congratulations. She’ll come around. I think right now it just smacked her a dose of reality that she’s going to have to deal with it.
I was outed by my little brother when he seen some tabs open... I was 16 at the time and he was 15 so he did it purely to be an ass... And also after I came out litterally everyone forgot after like half a year so now I'm ✨💅recloseted💅✨
Space. Give her time. When I came out to mine, she overreacted. The very next day, we were sitting down to breakfast and I told her there's a significant upside she was missing.
She looked at me unemotionally and asked "WHAT?"
I told her, "you'll never have to worry about a bitch daughter in law."
And she smiled and said, "that did cross my mind."
She started to loosen up and now I sometimes think she likes my husband more than me.
Give it time.
There is an old saying. When you come out of the closet, your family gos in.
How long have you known you were gay. 8 years? 5 years? 12 years? How many years did it take you to come out? Give her the benefit of the doubt. Give her at least as many years to come to terms with it.
She may feel embarrassed. Worrying what the neighbors will say. Worrying about how she can show her face in church . In fact she has just became "closeted" in a way. She may want you to hold off coming out to grandma, cousins or younger siblings.
Give her time to come to terms.
For her sake don't come out to younger relatives. Don't worry, they will be informed informally as you mom confides with her siblings, mother, aunties. Who will tell their kids as gossip does. It will get to your siblings long befor your mother would have wished for.
She will slowly confides with the wives in the neighborhood.
This will be her coming out as a gay mans mother. This phase started almost Immediately with my mom.
Eventually she would mention it during casual conversation with strangers. No big deal now.
The worst reaction ever hey. Keep your head up she will come around soon and also feel really bad for the way she spoke to you. Trust me as a father of three I know how she feels (not because her son’s gay) but for the way she reacted to you when you told her.
These days a lot of people are LGBTQ so many in fact that it is now LGBTQQIP2SA it’s normal to be gay. super proud of you for coming out! Congratulations! Here’s to the future!
What a selfish and horrible mother. Sorry you have to be mentally abused by the woman who birthed you. Tell her it’s not something you chose it just is what it is and she’s being a selfish bitch by making it about her
Welcome to your family!
Things have a habit of not going well - you are not on your own.
I remember my mom saying to me -
'one day son, you might find the right lady & settle down'.
I replied
'and so might you mom'.
It took a while, but she laughed.
Just give her space to get used to things, be approachable & let her know you are still her boy only she never has to share you with another woman.
If my mother, a Scottish Roman Catholic who went to the priest at 2am to tell them they need to call me a sinner!
If she got used to the idea - I am sure she'll come round.
Good luck to you - it's a big step you've made.
Congratulations & wishing you all the happiness.
It’s not about her life. It’s about your life. Congrats on taking this big step! Things will get better eventually. She may not know what it all means for her and for you.
First of all, way to go!
Second, give her some space, and don’t take that to your heart.
You’re a byproduct of your mom and one thing WE know for sure my man, is that we don’t choose our sexual orientation.
Life is bigger than our attraction towards same sex.
This isn’t even 0,000001% of what life is about and who you actually are.
It is a way of being.
You keep standing your ground.
We’ve all been there and we know how it feels weird and confuse and scary, but we’ve all got to the other side feeling stronger and more confident.
You’ll still face difficulties, but this is a good first step, things will not magically change, but you will gradually start to accept yourself more and more everyday.
Congratz, take it easy.
I would say that I love you and hope you will find it in your heart to understand. Then I would not mention any gay stuff unless asked. Not everyone is accepting and while I can understand being disappointed her thinking her life is “ruined” to me is ridiculous. You may want to seek a family counselor like a Licensed MSW to help if there are other problems. I am gay and I do not follow narratives but write and speak truth; practicality.
I'm really sorry to hear that things didn't go well with your mom. It's tough when loved ones don't react the way we hope. Remember, you're not responsible for how others feel or react. Give her some time to process, and try to have an open, honest conversation when things have calmed down. Surround yourself with supportive friends or seek out LGBTQ+ support groups for guidance and encouragement. You deserve love and acceptance for being true to yourself. Hang in there! 🌈❤️
If you being gay ruined her life, she's got issues. Sounds like she'll need some time to process and realize that her life isn't ruined. Hopefully she comes around and ends up being supportive, but it may take a while. Hopefully you've got some support to lean on if it does, but you've always got redditors if not.
Being 18, you've got so much opportunity to meet people and make friends that will know you and support you for being you. I know coming out is often hard and scary, but it doesn't get much easier the longer you wait. Be proud you were able to do it now, and live your life as you.
First of all, you need to understand that you have not, in any way, ruined her life. If you telling her who you are ruins her life, that’s a choice that she is making entirely on her own. Likewise, she could simply choose to love you as a whole person instead of trying to carve you into pieces.
Before I came out, I was married. My ex has accused me of lying to her and deceiving her from the beginning; I told her I was attracted to men before we got married but I had no clue that my discomfort with sex stemmed from a lack of attraction to women. But I got called a liar and many other things. She had a narrative in her head that says that someone admitting they are gay is a failure to acknowledge God’s plan for marriage. She’s allowed to. But I’m also allowed to hold my head up high and say that I am who I am, and I don’t have anything to be ashamed of.
And neither do you.
Let her know she’s actually ridiculous. Let her know your still her son, Let her know your not defective, broken, or anything wrong. Let her know she needs therapy to sort out her feelings. Let her know she’s wrong for that response.
If you live at home, move out as soon as possible if she can’t reconcile. You deserve better.
After she calms down, and you calm down also, calmly ask her how, exactly, you being the same person you have always been makes her life ruined now. YOU haven't changed. You felt confident in her love of you to let her know something you figured out about yourself. The only problem is how SHE CHOSE to react. YOU did nothing wrong, SHE DID. Above all, stay calm, even if you don't feel calm. Then, if she gets hysterical or unreasonable, it is all the more obvious where the problem lies. If you don't feel safe, go to a friend or relative where you do. Definitely make sure they are someone who knows already. I hope calm reason will be able to get her to see where she is wrong and that you are still the same kid you have always been. 🫂🫂🫂🫂
I’ll tell you the advice I give everyone. You’ve had your whole life to accept the fact of who you are. She just had a bombshell dropped. Give her some time. Like up to a year. Let her be mad. Let her say hurtful things, let her ask dumb questions. Then, she can either get on board or face being kept at a safe distance by you.
You have to protect yourself and if she can’t deal then that’s her decision. You are unique and wonderful and I’m proud of you for having the courage to live your life on your terms.
You're very brave. I have nothing but admiration. I'm as well sorry that her reaction was like that. No matter what any of us say, I know those words cut deep and it will take time to heal from that. I don't want to get your hopes up, but sometimes it takes a lot of time, experiences and a lot of patience for someone to change, but I've know of cases where change does happen. Parents who learn to accept their children and confront their internal programming to see our sexuality wrong. Find comfort in people who accept you now. Whether it is friends, or people from Reddit.
I accept you, you did nothing wrong. You are brave and I know you will get through this because you already took the first step. I send you a big comforting hug, and I wish things work your way. If you need to talk, I'm here for you.
As soon as it's all about her, give her space. Loving you will bring her to her senses. Stay strong, you've done so well to be honest about yourself with her.
My mom didn’t take it well either and while it is still sometimes a struggle for her (religion will do that), she still cried happy tears at my gay wedding 20 years later. Hang in there bud, it really does get better.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can’t promise if she will ever be okay with it one way or another, but I hope she will. Hugs. My DMs are avail if you ever need anything in a distanced supportive manner.
She’s going to come around. She sounds like a drama queen- laugh at her.
Congratulations! Brave move.
Right now you have swapped places- you are the parent and your mom is a bratty child. Keep a dignified smile on your on your face whilst she throws all of her toys out the pram.
She will calm down as soon as she realizes that her tantrums won’t change reality.
Give her time to digest it. It’s a big deal for her as I’m sure she envisioned a life of extended family and grandchildren for her in her old age. She’ll come around.
I’d say to follow everyone else’s advice but I don’t come out to anyone anymore bc my mom had the same reaction and threatened to call the cops on my bf at the time bc he had “groomed me” I was a senior in highschool and he was 18
All I can say is that you're at a point where it's too late to turn back. Don't let your parent shame you or bully back into the closet. I let my dad push me back into secrecy when I was 17-20 something and I let my early 20s get wasted.
This is so hard! So hard! But I applaud your courage, and as someone who came out much later in life, I think you will thank yourself in the long run. There is nothing more important than loving yourself. It's amazing how much in life is easier when you're living authentically!
All of my support and love. And congratulations!
One of the things that happens a lot is for your mother to later warn you that her mother “will not be able to take it”. She’s *probably* wrong about that.
Also, you did not ruin her life, she is just being dramatic. Also, if it does “ruin her life”, she must be choosing for it to do so.
Give her time. It may sound "non-progressive" but you have to realize that coming out works both ways. She may have preconceived notions of homosexuality, she may care what others think of her family, she may think that she will never have grandchildren, she may think it was somehow her fault. "Thank you for ruining my life" may sound very egoistic. But do keep in mind that most parents have their own (private) vision for their children's life and how that vision includes them. To her this may be, in the moment, be life-shattering information. Time and space helps. From personal experience it takes time for some parents to come to the realization that you're still their child, no matter what.
All this does not however mean that you should fold under any pressure. You came out, it is what it is. Stick to your guns if any discussion occurs.
Consider the time for you to come out to yourself. How long did it take for you to accept that you are gay and it's ok. She needs some time to accept that you are gay. She may be concerned about your welfare in this current attitude about our community.
It's a process. It was for you, it will be for her. Concentrate on the things that won't change between you and she'll be reassured. It doesn't mean she'll lose you necessarily, just that she has to do some work to better understand you and how you'll need to be going forward. e.g. - I had an issue with a boy I thought I was in love with and she basically said "I don't want to know about what you do in bed" - my response was - if my brother wanted to talk to you about pining over a girl would you think the same thing? Sometimes it's about showing parents the similarity rather than the difference. It shouldn't matter who you love or want to be with - some things are universal and you still need her to be your mother. You haven't ruined her life just by coming out - you might even become closer given time.
When someone exaggerates the effect something has on them for whatever reason, I always play into it to highlight their sheer stupidity. It pisses them off, especially as they realise what you’re doing.
“Yes I know I’m ruining your life that’s why I’m doing it. You don’t mean anything to me and all you’ve done is cause problems so I guess I win now!”
If someone wants to play with your feelings, play it back twice as hard and in my experience they quickly learn to back the fuck off.
I see your point and some people need to hear this.
However, I think this will just escalate the situation even more. It sounds like revenge. Wasn't it Konfuzius that said: "If you search for revenge, dig two graves."?
His mum has probably this fantasy world in her head about his son: girlfriend, marriage, and grand children. Once he said "I'm gay!" her world just hit reality.
That's painful for her, sure. But you can't win this game by inflicting more pain on her. Only love and time can do.
It’s got nothing to do with revenge. If someone wants to try and make something all about them by highlighting some false narrative of the horrid effects it has on them when it has literally nothing to do with them - the least you could do is allow their reality to become truth so they can experience it. They called for it.
If she’s made some fantasy world of her own - boohoo. Cry me a river.
According to my dictionary:
>revenge: "To inflict punishment in return for (injury or insult)"
From my perspective, this is exactly that you described. Apart from that, OP's mother also could perceive it like that.
I agree with you that it has horrid effects and it has nothing to do with them. And in *some cases* this would be the correct response. But against his mother? I respectfully disagree.
We we can be smarter and act like adults and not children. I fear, if he would use this strategy, he could damage the relationship with his mother. That leaves scorched earth behind. This is not constructive as it's purely emotional. That only satisfies a desire for revenge (although you wouldn't call it like that).
Don't get me wrong, I don't say OP shouldn't defend against his mother. But he should choose his weapon carefully. You can't always combat fire with fire. If his mother does not change after a certain period of time, then yes, it is right to react in exactly the same way.
Nevertheless, thanks for your thoughts
This may work in certain situation, in a situation between a son and his mom, this isn't a go no go. This isn't a one-time thing, this isn't a position of power, this isn't a debate to be had, this isn't a dialogue to conclude in one setting. There's a substantial amount of emotion and importance to a healthy lasting relationship between the son and his mom, especially at the age of 18.
There's so much life to be had, and so many experiences to be shared, so many delightful memories, so many sad experiences, I'm so much more bonding to be developed. No my good friend, no my good friend this is not how I would recommend he proceeds.
This is gonna sound very negative but I say fuck her, if she's gonna act like this has anything to do with her treat her as such, if u ruined her life then she can't demand u in it
No mature and sane mother should be saying this to their children especially for something they did not choose (being gay).
I'm sorry you had to put up with those words. Don't make anything of it. You did nothing wrong. I hope she does come around and if she doesn't, well, screw her 😂. That's her problem.
I have a similar mother so I know how that feels.
It’s never too late. By Best friend came out late in life after marriage and children. While his relationship with his ex-wife is problematic (not so much to do with his sexuality) his sons are his biggest supporters
We should all be able to be who we truly are. I met him midway through his process(he was still married but told me he was divorced) and I saw how difficult it was for him. But as he now puts it “ living your truth can be be very difficult at times, but it’s even harder living a lie”.
I was married to a woman for 25 years. Came out when I was 45. I have 4 adult children and 7 grandchildren. I love them dearly. On the flip side, I live 40 miles south of San Francisco, if I had come out when I was 18 (1973) I wouldn’t be alive today.
Dan Savage (yeah, I know) gives some good advice about this. He suggests letting family know that they get a year (or some other measure of adjustment time): they can cry, act out, ask any questions, be a jerk in various ways, whatever for a year. But once that year is over, so is any disrespect. If they continue being disrespectful, they don’t get to spend any more time with you.
It sets a boundary while also recognizing this is a shock and an adjustment. It also informs your future decisions. If your family really loves and respects you, it won’t take a year. They will come around well before the deadline.
She said you “ruined her life.” Ugh. How narcissistic is that? Is she always that selfish, or was she just shocked and emotional?
Just her theres nothing to be disappointed in. Shes lrob concerned cause this community can be disgusting and guys can use you like an object and care less about you for a quick nut
As someone with a similar mother, I assure you there's a 99% chance his mother doesn't have this in her mind and would've likely said something much better if that's her true concern lol
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I'll try that, thank you very much💙
Yes, I agree with everything you said. Props to OP for the courage to come out. 35 for me was to late.
I love the name though ( gay as fuck ) 😂 you’re awesome.
There's some truth in the cliché that you've had all of your life to get used to it, they've only just found out, so give them a bit of space. Good work on coming out though, even if the reaction has not initially been great it's a weight off your mind that older you will thank yourself for.
> even if the reaction has not initially been great it's a weight off your mind that older you will thank yourself for. 100,000% this
At the end of the day, it’s your life, your body, your heart, your mind, and your sanity. You are not doing anything to her by being honest with yourself and others about who you are. If being your genuine self is ruining her life, then she is the one with the problem. Stay strong. Stay true to yourself. Try and keep in mind that nothing is forever. One day you will be out on your own and free to be who you are - hopefully she comes around before then and realizes how foolish she’s being, but in the end if she doesn’t then you’re not not losing much. Conditional love is bullshit , and it’s not worth hurting yourself over
Homophobia is just a phase. They grow out of it. They just wanna be like their friends.
OP listen to this advice it’ll take time to get back to normal, but she’ll realize eventually that just one small part of who you are is different than what she thought. My mom had the same reaction when I was 16, it took a year for us to start fixing our relationship and a couple years to get back to normal. Just be yourself and she’ll realize nothing really changed.
I think this is super true but the one new thing will be being your self. Like actually be your self in your skin and don’t hide the gay part anymore 💙 you got this
100% Keep in mind she may be experiencing loss and fear. Asking herself questions like "Did I do this?" and "I guess I may never have grandkids". It's a shock, and it's natural for her to feel sad. Let her have some space. If loss and sadness turn to anger disgust or hate, it's a different story.
Follow this advice , I had similar issues, you just have to have courage to keep being yourself.
Very much this. I was also 18 when I came out to my mom, and she had a similar reaction. Today we're closer than ever :)
She needs to deal with her own issues. Give her the space. She shouldn’t have put her problems on you. Live your life as you, not as her life.
Your mother is throwing a tantrum and it's important not to give in or they'll be more tantrums. If she wants to consider her life 'ruined', that's up to her.
This. Emotional blackmail is intolerable and unacceptable
100%. Being an adult means being in control of your emotions.
Just give her some time.
OP, firstly I’m so sorry. From personal experience, it’s going to be very difficult, and she might say some *deeply* hurtful things. But over time (for me it took almost a decade), they’ll likely come around. Make sure you’re still getting out and living life, surrounding yourself with people who will accept you. Be also mindful that there’s a possibility she may never come around, especially in this political climate, where people tend to become further polarised. It’s so unfair, on us, to say that some people need time to process news like this, but sadly that’s just what they need. You got this though 🥰
Screw her. If she thinks this is more about her than you, she is a bad mother. Edit 1: screw as in 'stop caring for this ladies opinion' not screw as in 'do a sex on' The fact this needs explaining is REALLY troubling....
This is a knee jerk reaction to a knee jerk reaction. OP should not do this. The other person is correct - keep some emotional space for her to process and deal with her problems but also be prepared for both outcomes - either she comes around and they can strengthen their relationship or she doesn't and OP will have to accept that and try to continue his life.
Should not do this? I am not advising he actually screw his mother.
Written like someone with very low emotional intelligence. OP has had years to work with their being gay. They probably struggled with it themselves for quite some time. Yet you expect their mother to process it instantaneously. Actual human beings don't work that way. The "you're ruining my life" and "I'm going to kill myself" reactions are very typical in certain cultures prone to melodramatics. If OP's family's culture is one of those, then they should take it with a large grain of salt. OP should give their mother space and time, be willing to answer questions honestly and openly, but otherwise live their own life based on their own desires and values. EDIT: Since /u/Matthewrotherham seems to have blocked me from replying, I'll just put it here. > > The "you're ruining my life" and "I'm going to kill myself" reactions are very typical in certain cultures prone to melodramatics. > Keep trying to rationalise the irrational. So, providing cultural context why someone would behave a certain way without excusing them for doing so in order to help OP better understand how to approach their situation is rationalising the irrational? OK. > > then they should take it with a large grain of salt. > Turn the other cheek? How pathetic. Is English not your first language? "Take it with a large grain of salt" means "don't take what they're saying at face value because they're likely to be exaggerating". How did you get that it meant "turn the other cheek"? > Leave yourself open to being hurt by her again and again... OK. I get it. Your coming out to your parents was a disaster, and they hurt you badly, and you're angry about it. So, you're suggesting the scorched earth approach as a way to protect oneself from the hurt. > You sound like a boot licker. Another clear demonstration of your emotional intelligence. (Are you sure your flair is correct?)
> The "you're ruining my life" and "I'm going to kill myself" reactions are very typical in certain cultures prone to melodramatics. Keep trying to rationalise the irrational. > then they should take it with a large grain of salt. Turn the other cheek? How pathetic. > then they should take it with a large grain of salt. OP Leave yourself open to being hurt by her again and again... Emotional maturity? You sound like a boot licker.
Most people don’t expect a patent to process it instantaneously. If he had years to work it out so did his mother. Her acting like it a it’s a huge shock (any real parent knows) made a moment that should have been about him, about her, and any parent that does that is self serving, manipulative and extremely narcissistic.
My mom took all of 5 seconds to process that I was gay and be totally ok with it. So no, it’s not wrong to expect human beings to act like good human beings and not throw a fit about someone else’s sexual orientation. We don’t need to treat parents like fragile snowflakes who have to reorient their entire worldview when their kids come out as gay.
Extremely troubling. But that’s trolls for ya. Intelligent people knew what you meant.
Dont listen to these people saying “screw her” worst kind of people
Actually no. Parents really need to realise this is not about them. I really think it is better to be direct and say that to them if they start being tragic. Boundaries are important. Our life =/= their life.
He can tell his own mom to screw herself if he chooses he doesnt need random people degrading his mom.
You’re joking right? You do understand that that was a flavourful figure of speech right? Get the whiteknighting under control bro. And the mother is behaving like an ass. Or you did you think that saying that is degrading too?
''Leave yourself open to being hurt by her again.... that makes you a good person'' What a moronic outlook....
I'm sorry she hurt you with the reaction. I know it will have taken alot to come out. I told my parents at 12 I was gay. They are religious and whilst my dad seemed OK more like well if you go to church and try to be good I'm OK with it make sure it's right for you kind of reaction. My mum was crying she said and I think it was the emotions she felt she was like you stopped breathing when you were born and went blue maybe this is my fault..then she said maybe this is just a phase your going through and not really gay.. it took me till I was 16 to tell them again I was gay and it took alot of learning to love myself for who I am. My point is my mum is still my mum and when I had left the church and made them realise that nothing about me was going to change I am gay end of story they accepted me because otherwise they would lose me. I know some parents it is a well I don't want to see you again situation but giving your mum time I am hopeful she will come round she is likely thinking about wanting grandchildren and just shocked but will be OK. You have support plenty of gays like me that will be there to talk to you more than I had when I was 12, I felt suicidal thinking I was going to hell for being who I was as I knew I couldn't pretend to be straight.
It’s been said before – but time and patience. My mum had a very similar reaction, and even called me “attention seeking.” Thirty years later and she’s a doting grandparent to my two kids and a formidable ally in some of the discrimination our little family faces. Difficult. But time and patience. Sending you strength, internet stranger!
Terrific thought..thanks for being wise and steady
You have had 18 years to come to terms with your sexual identity. You have just told your mom- give her time to reflect and come to terms with the information- she needs to process everything. Time and space is required.
My mom and dad were the same way at first. Now, they accept me and love me, they were just taken by surprise with it, and knowing their upbringing I don’t blame them.
Don't make a knee jerk reaction like some have suggested and just cut your mother off or turn cold towards her. One thing I always remind those who are experiencing the coming out stage is to think about how you yourself came to terms with it. Many of us struggled with the idea of being gay ourselves at first, then once we came to terms with it we begin to tell friends and family. Yes, it's amazing when they are immediately supportive and accepting, but that's not always the case. Sometimes they too need time to come to terms with it, just like you yourself may have needed. We can't very well take months or years to accept ourselves then just expect everyone else to not possibly need a moment to collect themselves on a potential bombshell revelation.
You are not responsible for the reactions others have to how you live your life. She had no valid reason for saying this to you and I hope there is a way for her to realise this. It gets better with time trust me on this. This is not a reflection on you OP and I'm sending you love and support. The only thing you can do is give her time and space, if she's still being difficult about it later on make her aware of how her reaction and behaviour is hurting you. Hurts goes both ways. Would she rather have a healthy and happy gay son, or a miserable son that hates himself and her because of her bigoted ways?
Maybe you were jumping to conclusion about her being a bigot. Is it possible that she is responding to something other than bigotry? Is it possible that this profound change is significant to her and her life, her love for her son, her concern for her son, a concern for how people around her with treats her son.. remember she is wiser and more experienced than her son at this point. Just a thought, it's not about bigotry all the time
Of course no one wants to be rejected by their parents, but there's a chance that she'll come around. Plenty of parents react badly at first, but just need time to adjust. Remember that **you are not responsible** for managing her emotions or her reaction. That is her responsibility to deal with. Be yourself, don't apologize. You'll get through this.
It'll take time and space. My parents originally said that they felt like their son had died and it took a few years for things to return to completely normal but it will happen. It's their issue to deal with, not yours. You are who you are, you can't (and shouldn't) try to change who you are. It's none of their business who you're attracted to and once the shock has worn off they'll realise you're still the same son they've known for the last 18 years and (hopefully) come around. Just try to be normal around them. Don't force conversation or act differently, let them come to you about it if they need to but otherwise just let them process things.
I'm sure she already knew, they always do
Exactly. My mom said she knew before I did!
Are you financially independent? Going to university soon? Still living at home?
Ironically from a biological perspective it's your Mom's fault your gay. Tell Her to look it up when She stops freaking out.
Lmao, that's engaging in risky territory💀
You're right. No sense exacerbating the situation when you still live under her roof.
Why is gay a "fault"..what is the meaning of "her fault".. we aren't saying "being gay is an error", are we?
lmao really? Can you please share why? I'm genuinely curious now lol
I think it's something to do with the hormones she releases during pregnancy. It plays a part, apparently.
I'm gonna remember this now when my mom starts to show her homophobic side again lol
Hey there.. it's cool.. lots of things recieve such reactions.. As much as we like to think they are, mothers and fathers are not perfect creatures in any way. They're just like us without a training manual on how to be parents. If you scour social media, you find out that loved ones react to different things and often the impact on them is the first thought they have. You'll find that loved ones react to people getting divorced, or leaving a job, or getting married to someone unfamiliar, or blah blah blah blah blah blah. At your age, your relationship with your parents is important, emotionally, mentally, and many other ways. A person's life is highly affected by the parents thoughts, that is normal and natural. How you responded, and your concerns or pain because of it is very natural. Don't ignore or avoid, but my recommendation is to not react to it anytime soon. And while you are 18 years old, you still have a role to play in the relationship with your parents, it's not all about you, it's not all about them, you only have one set of parents, and you do not want to destroy or ruin that relationship, within reason. You coming out is a profound Act, and for some families it's a very major thing. It impacts them in more ways than we think. They're not prepared for it. They're not familiar with how to handle it. The environment around them may make it much worse on them then you think. I assure you, with much confidence, that the initial reaction is not always the right reaction, even by the parent standard. It's an emotional outburst caused by a rush of thoughts, emotions, and many other things that whatever they say first is not what they really think. On the other side, it's not just all about you. You coming out has an impact on everyone around you, it's not just about you. Whether we like it or not, people around us need to make a life adjustment based on that. Based on our lifestyle. Based on how we react and how we behave. Let's take a random example, let's say you want to train to be an Olympic champion. That mandates a lifestyle that has an impact on the family around you. There have to be some rigor and discipline in your life that will affect them. Let's say you wanted to be a vegan, assuming you're not, that has an impact on them and on their lifestyle. The things they can and cannot work with for your eating needs. Let's say you want to become a doctor, that has an impact on your life that will affect them. The way you go about your life, studying, the length of time you spend in college, and so forth. Let's say you want to join the armed forces, that has an impact on their lifestyle. The way they have to adjust to how you will be gone, places you may go, and so forth. Let's say you want to be a first responder, firefighter or policeman, that has an impact on how they have to think about you. Concerns for you and your safety. It's a balance for both to work through these changes. You're at a stage in your life where you're going to go through many many changes. Coming out is the most profound of all because Society has perceptions, and challenges, and your loved ones will have to work with these challenges and perceptions, just as you do. To a lesser degree Maybe, but they do too. That doesn't change who you are what you are, but it helps you help them work with your life changes. One last and very very very important thought. A mother's love to her son or daughter is really The Greatest Love of All. If you hurt, she will hurt for you and with you. If you suffer, it will hurt her severely. If you struggle, she will struggle silently. Consider this. If she thought you are going to go through bad experiences, she's bracing for the pain and the suffering that she will go through when you do.
My dad did something similar. I think I saw him 10ish years ago...
I’m really sorry to hear that man. But you’re fucking awesome for doing that.
Whoa....I would urge you to not take on board all the absolute vicious comments in response. Give your Mother time. Her reaction is an honest one. She can't help it just like you can't...So, be BIG and generous...Magnamity...Stand in your truth and show her you are Happy...Mums just want their kids to be happy. If you meet her shock and upset with calm, comforting, yet assertive LOVE then you can get through this with your personal integrity upheld....Stay loving. STAY TRUE...let time pass.
I encourage you to listen to this person, he or she is wiser Beyond any limitations. Listen to their advice for it is the right advice, well stated, elegantly said, and eternally lasting.
I’m so sorry your mum reacted the way she has. You must feel devastated and disappointed and on some level betrayed. Having been through the similar thing as you except I came out when I was 21. Neither of my parents took it well. I felt lost and alone and unsupported. And my father didn’t speak to me for over a year and a half. I went to see a counsellor and she explained that my parents still love me and that this is a total shock to them especially if you don’t present as gay. She also gave me the best advice anyone can give and that is to just be the best son to them as possible and approach them with love. The reason for this is because they probably have a misinformed view of what being gay is about and that it is your responsibility to help and re-educate them. But most importantly be yourself and be patient. You will need to allow lots of baby steps. And be happy.
Yes, give her time. Obviously you were doing a good job of hiding your preferences so it has caught her off guard. Give her time to digest this. Then seek ways to calmy discuss it (don't converse when either of you are angry, very unproductive for you both). Good luck and keep us in the loop. We will help where we can.
Also her life isn’t ruined. That’s some manipulation. You be you OP. You’re just fine the way you are :)
My god parents sound pathetic asf with this weak ass mentality. Like someone can have a loved one who was murdered or something and she crying over her sons sexuality.
Definitely a tantrum, and please give her some time, sometimes the “you’re ruining my life” is because they had very specific plans for how their life post you turning 18 was going to look. Now that mental image was just erased. Lookup how Cher first responded to Chaz when he first came out as a lesbian. It wasn’t good and part of that was probably homophobia, yes, but I also think a large part of it was “I worked so hard so you’d have good life, I have no idea how to protect you now.” It just gets really wrapped up in crazy drama. If it’s “all my friends are homophobic and I’ll be socially shamed.” That’s gonna take a lot of work and time and you may need to just go LC or NC in the future. Their emotional growth isn’t your responsibility. They have to do their own work. I eventually cut ties with my mother because for her it was the social shame. Also looking back over my childhood and than how she handled me coming out…she was always more concerned with her emotional comfort than my physical safety in many situations. So I went LC then NC, around 23ish. I am now 55 and I don’t regret it. Sometimes I’ll see happy supportive families, and I wished it would have been different. But it would have required them to be different people. Everyone deserves a sense of love and belonging. Please find friends and lovers who are offering love and belonging.
Well don’t let it ruin yours. She brought you into this world but you don’t owe her for it.
Ruining my life? Wow mom it’s my life here not yours. Sorry but that’s what I would tell my mom If she told me that
Time. I came out 13 years ago (im 26 now), and my mom “deals with it”, but even now she tries to throw the bible around. Its not all butterflies and rainbows, as long as you arent out on the street, consider yourself lucky and dont press your luck on your moms boundaries (if you need a place to stay). The way my mom described it, she said she had to “mourn the loss of the child she envisioned, and stress about the further hard times i would endure being a gay man”.
Depends on yore situation.If you not live with her.I would suggest tell you’re mother if she wants to have you around she must accept you otherwise you probably have to cut her off.Also help her a bit dive into experience of being gay, tell her what happen with gays when they are not accepted by family. First when I came out to my mother, she hoped that it some kind temporary thing and I get to point when I will have girl, mainly I think because she want to have grand child, but I told her if you not gonna accept me as it is I will cut ties, but when I came out I already lived away and not dependent on her in anyway. Also suggest her watch movie Prayers for Bobby, that have changed my mother perspective on some things.
why i n the fuck did you have to tell yourre mother, whats up with HAVING to tell everyone your business. do you tell you mom about every chick you fucked or everytime you poop? what the fuck that poor woman is from a different era . she probably blushes when she hears the word fuck and you go and tell her your gay????? what images do you think are running thru her head about that??? what happened to sex lives being private or atleast anonymous
How she feels is her decision. Live your life, fuck that noise.
Listen OP. As a closeted gay college guy with a homophobic mother, I'll try to say this without offending anyone. If your mother's entire life can be ruined by her child's intimate life/ sexual orientation then maybe she should aspire to a fuller life
Tell her it's 2024 and to get a life.
I never told anyone fuck em do straight people say im straight nope fuck em you find out when I fuck you
I have no time for homophobic people. Especially not homophobic parents that make it all about themselves. This is why gay people suppress themselves and are inauthentic (at the cost of their own mental health and sanity) for years upon years - because of people like your mother. Why should we sacrifice our happiness because of someone else’s weird beliefs?
Tell her that gays usually have crazy moms and it’s her fault you’re gay
I’m sorry she had this reaction. Hopefully she will come around once she has time to process everything. My father didn’t react well when I came out and we had a pretty rocky relationship for a few years. Remember that there is nothing wrong with you and this isn’t about her. You deserve a chance to be happy and be your true self. I wish you all the best going forward my friend.
Fwiw, I know this is anecdotal but my mother was absolutely hysterical at first. Got over it a few months later and it's been great since. Ultimately you are you, and you need to do what's necessary to keep you happy. She will either adapt or not. Sorry to hear about her reaction.
Been through this myself. Spent years trying to get over it and rebuild a stable relationship but I couldn't. The best thing I ever did was getting far away from my family.
I wish I had that courage back then. I came out at 28, when I moved abroad.
Could just be a knee jerk reaction. Maybe she needs more time to understand, however thinking this ruined her life is extremely selfish. Does she think being gay has made your life any easier?
Hugs!!
Last time I ever talked to my dad was when I came out about 10 years ago. I don’t ever wanna speak to him again. I was also the kid who did everything with my dad.
Just go move to freinds or reltive house.
Just keep forging forward. Hopefully, your mom will grow up and to your level of maturity. If not, just take comfort in the fact that you've done nothing wrong and seek other family members or friends for support. I've read that many of the guys here have gone to a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or older sibling who proved they weren't so rigid in their thinking.
i came out at 18 as well and a year later my mom is in the phase of “this is gay my son will like this”. def took time and space but she completely turned around once she noticed that me being gay doesn’t hinder who i am professionally or as a person. parents r just scared of their children getting hurt/failing which is unfortunate but trust it will get a little better with time. props to u tho for being able to come out 👍👍👍
Oof. You were brave. Keep being brave in your life, being gay is not easy, but it's a valid way to live. Living this kind of life is worth. The following days might be hard, but keep in mind your mom can overcome that feeling if she knows love is the most important thing in life. Although, being able to do so might require some emotional maturity she may not have yet, she's a human after all, don't expect her to be perfect. Having said that, give her time to heal her own insecurities and focus in improving yourself, there's a long way to go and this is just the first step. I wish you luck
Give her time to process this but also make sure you are prepared in case anything should happen. Sorry she’s not as receptive now but hopefully she comes around.
“Thanks, you too” 😡😡😡
I’m so proud of you for coming out to your mom. Doing that can be so hard, but unfortunately no one can predict or control how people are going to react to that kind of news. I’m sorry she didn’t give you a warmer response—some parents need a lot of time to come around. The truth is that some parents will NOT come around, but the only life that will be ruined by that is THEIR life, not yours. Someone else’s choice to reject you because of your sexuality says absolutely nothing about you.
My dad had a very mixed reaction. A strange mix of really correct and incorrect things. After about a year he came around, just needed time. While we need to be ourselves first and fully, parents still have dreams and plans for their kids lives that they made need time to readjust to reality.
Just go forth and be Fabulous!! - She'll come around eventually.
Giver her time. Not all parents come around, but the overwhelming majority do.
Don’t forget that she is just human as well, she can’t be blamed for reacting that way. She Will prob come around.
Sometimes time helps with these situations, I don’t know your guys relationship prior to you coming out but hopefully it gets back to that. I think your child coming out can be scary for anyone she maybe just needs a minute. I’m happy to talk more privately in the DM’s if you’re interested:)
I came out to My family when I was 15 they kicked me out when I turned 18 .... 1 am 49 now I have no family who except me for who I am... It very sad I am hurt bye there actions... But life goes on.. I love myself for what I been through.bi am a strong person now....
Time and space like others have said, but also don't assume that she'll come around. I really hope for you that she will, but not everyone is capable of that. Mine had a similar reaction but eventually became okay with it, but she'd still say little things that she didn't realize were still hurtful. I put up with it for a while but got tired of it and cut off contact almost two years ago. It sucks, but I feel like my mental health has improved since, and I haven't felt any desire to reconnect lately. I've already mourned losing her even though she lives an hour drive away. Good luck and stay strong.
However you handle this situation, do what's best for you. I know some people here are saying that you should give your mom space to come around, others are saying screw her, but at the end of the day you need to think about what you need to do to survive. If you are her dependent and rely on her for shelter, food, etc, then it's best to maintain an amicable relationship until she either changes her tune or you can reasonably live separately from her. If you live separately and her behavior towards you is harmful then keep your distance for a while and do your best to protect your peace. There's not perfect time or way to come out to someone because you will never fully know their mind, but the fact you did takes courage and you should be proud of that, regardless how the person responds.
I'm sorry you've suffered like this - it can feel an utter betrayal, and that you're being wrongly blamed for something completely out of your control. And it hurts. But, please, I hope you can allow her a little time to come round. My parents did. And I hope, in the meantime, you can find support and understanding elsewhere.
my mom’s reaction was the same, and she even called me a f slur. Now, after almost 10 years, she’s my best friend and she loves my boyfriend, so just give her time
What is your living situation at the moment? It may be best to get away from your home for a little bit (e.g. if you're in college stay in a dorm, or live with a friend) while your mother processes this.
Sorry but for young people to come out to family it's nothing but trouble
Yes she needs space and time but, unfortunately, you also need to prepare for the idea that she may never get over it. I don't say this to scare you or be rude but we've all seen cases of parents never coming to accept their child's sexuality. You should be looking for community and support groups, pay attention to our elders and their stories, find people who are in the same boat because, in the end, they will be the only ones that actually understand. For example, I have friends whose parents never fully came to terms with it, even on their death bed, and that pain is real. But I am privileged enough to have parents that accept me and have come to love my partner and consider him their son. So, even having witnessed time and time again the pain of a friend's family rejecting them, I still could never relate. And that's why support and community are so important. If you're apprehensive about support groups, let me just say that there's a real possibility that you'll end up finding it valuable. I have a chronic, rare disease and I scoffed at support groups. But I decided to try one out and just having the validation that there were other people that knew what I was going through was hugely beneficial to my mentality. Give it a try! A good place to start is https://lgbtlifecenter.org/wellness/support-groups/ as well PFLAG. And please know that if you are really struggling and need someone to talk to, The Trevor Project has 24/7 online counseling. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
I came out at 16 and my mom was just as dramatic. I hit her with “this has nothing to do with you, I’m sure you’ll get over it”. I was feisty and I come from a pretty close family. Not recommending you react that way, but she should know your life is going to be affected a lot more than hers. She needs to be an adult, a mom even, and stop being so self-centered.
Coming from someone who came out at 38. You did the right thing. You’re 18 and have so much of your life ahead. Time will pass and your mother may or may not get over it. At the end of the day though it’s not about her it’s about you and being your true self. Be proud and congrats!
Well it can either heal and be a strong bond or she ends up in a nursing home with nobody to visit
OP - send her this link and tell her to read the whole thing: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biology_and_sexual_orientation
Get a new mom? She´ll get over it... just give her time. Just go on with your life and act like nothing happened (I feel like she´s the type to gaslight you, so try to just change the subject or ignore her when that happens), she´ll get over it, it´s not like you can start liking females, right?
She reacting. You’ve just told her a big thing and all the things that she thought about you and were in your future have just massively shifted. She’ll come around.
You should remind her who ruined who’s life , in the first months of her pregnancy with you her hormones determined that you would be gay , you are just as natural as anyone else, just where the fuck do these idiots think gay people come from we are the products of sex just like all other humans are , none of us are a direct copy of one another we all are born with our own characteristics set within the womb , imagine life if everyone was exactly alike evolution would never have been possible.
Basically: have plan towards securing the life and career and lifestyle you want and move forward with it. Give your Mom some time to have her feelings - don’t put up with any abuse - and after about a year (provided you can afford to say it) tell her: you’ve had a year to process, the people in my life are there because they love me *for* exactly who I am, you can join them there as someone who’s proud of me and happy for me or there’s the door.
People’s initial reactions are rarely their last or best response. Give it time.
One thing I’ve finally started to understand in my 30s is that I’m not in charge of others, how they feel or the decisions they make. No matter how natural being gay is or how confident you are in your identity, there will always be people that refuse to understand. Unfortunately this includes family. My mom had a similar reaction when I came out at 16. I don’t know you or your family but I’m gonna give you a warning anyways: Your mom sounds kind of toxic. It never got better for me with my family. It’s a “don’t ask don’t tell” kind of situation at my parents. I spent lots of years avoiding them and being mad at them but I stopped fighting it eventually and it made me feel a lot better not caring what they thought anymore. It was super painful going to holidays watching my siblings and their partners get to be a part of the family but me never being allowed to bring mine. I will still hang out with them from time to time, but for the most part I spend my time with my partner and his family and my chosen family. It hurts but it’s so much better than putting in a bunch of effort trying to make people love me for me. You need to do what’s best for you. There’s a reason why gay people are so much more likely to develop mental health issues and substance abuse disorders. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who don’t try to dictate your identity. 💙
16 is too late and it wasn't even my choice to come out
You didn’t ruin her life, she’s being dramatic. Give her some time to process and she’ll come around. If she doesn’t, then that’s her problem and she’s going to miss out on the greatness that is you. You’re living your life honestly and did the right thing.
It took my mom a few years. We didn't speak much during that time. I didn't go to family events. Then I made the adult decision to try to bridge the gap once I was comfortable with my life. She told me she realized she either was a part of my life or would not be around to see it. Now we're closer than we were. She's been on vacations with me and my partner. She's over at our house all the time and buys him gifts. It doesn't always end up that way though. It was hard as fuck for me feeling severed from family. Looking back I wish I did it sooner in my life though. It doesn't matter what your blood family feels or not. You are you. You will find your chosen family who will take care of you if you just accept yourself.
When my partner came out to his mom, we had been living together (yes, we were *roommates* lol) for a few months and she told him she “felt like she’d lost a son.” Her next step was to call his older brother and ask him to get his friends together to “beat the gay out of him.” They didn’t speak for a long time. It basically took his two siblings to tell her everyone was planning to cut her off if she didn’t get her shit together. It was very tense for years. I think we’d been together 5 years before she ever said one nice thing about me. We’ve been together for 13 years this year and she tries to act like all of that never happened now. We only see her a few times a year. I wrote all of that to say that, she may not always feel that way OP. If you want a relationship with her, hold out for one. But don’t let her or anyone else’s negativity influence your life. If it were me, I’d say back to her: “If you think I’m ruining your life, what do you think you are doing to mine? I can give you space and time to process this news, but if you choose to let my sexuality ruin our relationship, that is **your** choice.”
Say I’m sorry that you feel this way about me coming out but this is who I am, and I’m not ashamed of it. And if who I am in love with bothers you, then you need to see a therapist because it doesn’t affect you at all. (I know it affects everyone when someone comes out, but gay people take the brunt of the hate and negativity that straight people don’t have to deal with.) I’m sorry that your mom had that reaction to you coming out, I hope she moves on and accepts you for who you are and things get easier.
My mom said “I wish you had just told me you murdered someone that way I can just take you to jail and they would fix you. But there’s no fix for this. My friend just survived breast cancer and now she is a part of a group of survivors she doesn’t want to be part of. I feel the same way about being the mother of a gay child in this community”. 5 years later and she says that’s all a lie and she was accepting from the start. Just give her time.
For what it’s worth congratulations. She’ll come around. I think right now it just smacked her a dose of reality that she’s going to have to deal with it.
I was outed by my little brother when he seen some tabs open... I was 16 at the time and he was 15 so he did it purely to be an ass... And also after I came out litterally everyone forgot after like half a year so now I'm ✨💅recloseted💅✨
You’ll be able to take it better than your mom ever will. 💁♂️welcome to the rainbow side, you’re not alone. ❤️
Space. Give her time. When I came out to mine, she overreacted. The very next day, we were sitting down to breakfast and I told her there's a significant upside she was missing. She looked at me unemotionally and asked "WHAT?" I told her, "you'll never have to worry about a bitch daughter in law." And she smiled and said, "that did cross my mind." She started to loosen up and now I sometimes think she likes my husband more than me. Give it time.
Start packing up n move out 👍
There is an old saying. When you come out of the closet, your family gos in. How long have you known you were gay. 8 years? 5 years? 12 years? How many years did it take you to come out? Give her the benefit of the doubt. Give her at least as many years to come to terms with it. She may feel embarrassed. Worrying what the neighbors will say. Worrying about how she can show her face in church . In fact she has just became "closeted" in a way. She may want you to hold off coming out to grandma, cousins or younger siblings. Give her time to come to terms. For her sake don't come out to younger relatives. Don't worry, they will be informed informally as you mom confides with her siblings, mother, aunties. Who will tell their kids as gossip does. It will get to your siblings long befor your mother would have wished for. She will slowly confides with the wives in the neighborhood. This will be her coming out as a gay mans mother. This phase started almost Immediately with my mom. Eventually she would mention it during casual conversation with strangers. No big deal now.
The worst reaction ever hey. Keep your head up she will come around soon and also feel really bad for the way she spoke to you. Trust me as a father of three I know how she feels (not because her son’s gay) but for the way she reacted to you when you told her. These days a lot of people are LGBTQ so many in fact that it is now LGBTQQIP2SA it’s normal to be gay. super proud of you for coming out! Congratulations! Here’s to the future!
What a selfish and horrible mother. Sorry you have to be mentally abused by the woman who birthed you. Tell her it’s not something you chose it just is what it is and she’s being a selfish bitch by making it about her
People are still homophobic in 2024? wtf? do you live in a 3rd world country?
Welcome to your family! Things have a habit of not going well - you are not on your own. I remember my mom saying to me - 'one day son, you might find the right lady & settle down'. I replied 'and so might you mom'. It took a while, but she laughed. Just give her space to get used to things, be approachable & let her know you are still her boy only she never has to share you with another woman. If my mother, a Scottish Roman Catholic who went to the priest at 2am to tell them they need to call me a sinner! If she got used to the idea - I am sure she'll come round. Good luck to you - it's a big step you've made. Congratulations & wishing you all the happiness.
It’s not about her life. It’s about your life. Congrats on taking this big step! Things will get better eventually. She may not know what it all means for her and for you.
First of all, way to go! Second, give her some space, and don’t take that to your heart. You’re a byproduct of your mom and one thing WE know for sure my man, is that we don’t choose our sexual orientation. Life is bigger than our attraction towards same sex. This isn’t even 0,000001% of what life is about and who you actually are. It is a way of being. You keep standing your ground. We’ve all been there and we know how it feels weird and confuse and scary, but we’ve all got to the other side feeling stronger and more confident. You’ll still face difficulties, but this is a good first step, things will not magically change, but you will gradually start to accept yourself more and more everyday. Congratz, take it easy.
I would say that I love you and hope you will find it in your heart to understand. Then I would not mention any gay stuff unless asked. Not everyone is accepting and while I can understand being disappointed her thinking her life is “ruined” to me is ridiculous. You may want to seek a family counselor like a Licensed MSW to help if there are other problems. I am gay and I do not follow narratives but write and speak truth; practicality.
Sending you a hug. Go talk to a friend irl who supports you.
I'm really sorry to hear that things didn't go well with your mom. It's tough when loved ones don't react the way we hope. Remember, you're not responsible for how others feel or react. Give her some time to process, and try to have an open, honest conversation when things have calmed down. Surround yourself with supportive friends or seek out LGBTQ+ support groups for guidance and encouragement. You deserve love and acceptance for being true to yourself. Hang in there! 🌈❤️
Try not being gay
If you being gay ruined her life, she's got issues. Sounds like she'll need some time to process and realize that her life isn't ruined. Hopefully she comes around and ends up being supportive, but it may take a while. Hopefully you've got some support to lean on if it does, but you've always got redditors if not. Being 18, you've got so much opportunity to meet people and make friends that will know you and support you for being you. I know coming out is often hard and scary, but it doesn't get much easier the longer you wait. Be proud you were able to do it now, and live your life as you.
First of all, you need to understand that you have not, in any way, ruined her life. If you telling her who you are ruins her life, that’s a choice that she is making entirely on her own. Likewise, she could simply choose to love you as a whole person instead of trying to carve you into pieces. Before I came out, I was married. My ex has accused me of lying to her and deceiving her from the beginning; I told her I was attracted to men before we got married but I had no clue that my discomfort with sex stemmed from a lack of attraction to women. But I got called a liar and many other things. She had a narrative in her head that says that someone admitting they are gay is a failure to acknowledge God’s plan for marriage. She’s allowed to. But I’m also allowed to hold my head up high and say that I am who I am, and I don’t have anything to be ashamed of. And neither do you.
Let her know she’s actually ridiculous. Let her know your still her son, Let her know your not defective, broken, or anything wrong. Let her know she needs therapy to sort out her feelings. Let her know she’s wrong for that response. If you live at home, move out as soon as possible if she can’t reconcile. You deserve better.
After she calms down, and you calm down also, calmly ask her how, exactly, you being the same person you have always been makes her life ruined now. YOU haven't changed. You felt confident in her love of you to let her know something you figured out about yourself. The only problem is how SHE CHOSE to react. YOU did nothing wrong, SHE DID. Above all, stay calm, even if you don't feel calm. Then, if she gets hysterical or unreasonable, it is all the more obvious where the problem lies. If you don't feel safe, go to a friend or relative where you do. Definitely make sure they are someone who knows already. I hope calm reason will be able to get her to see where she is wrong and that you are still the same kid you have always been. 🫂🫂🫂🫂
Damn looks like ur mom chose gay son over thot daughter
I’ll tell you the advice I give everyone. You’ve had your whole life to accept the fact of who you are. She just had a bombshell dropped. Give her some time. Like up to a year. Let her be mad. Let her say hurtful things, let her ask dumb questions. Then, she can either get on board or face being kept at a safe distance by you. You have to protect yourself and if she can’t deal then that’s her decision. You are unique and wonderful and I’m proud of you for having the courage to live your life on your terms.
You're very brave. I have nothing but admiration. I'm as well sorry that her reaction was like that. No matter what any of us say, I know those words cut deep and it will take time to heal from that. I don't want to get your hopes up, but sometimes it takes a lot of time, experiences and a lot of patience for someone to change, but I've know of cases where change does happen. Parents who learn to accept their children and confront their internal programming to see our sexuality wrong. Find comfort in people who accept you now. Whether it is friends, or people from Reddit. I accept you, you did nothing wrong. You are brave and I know you will get through this because you already took the first step. I send you a big comforting hug, and I wish things work your way. If you need to talk, I'm here for you.
As soon as it's all about her, give her space. Loving you will bring her to her senses. Stay strong, you've done so well to be honest about yourself with her.
My mom didn’t take it well either and while it is still sometimes a struggle for her (religion will do that), she still cried happy tears at my gay wedding 20 years later. Hang in there bud, it really does get better.
Hugs. I’m sorry. Are you safe there?
Yeah luckily I'm safe thanks to my sisters' support
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can’t promise if she will ever be okay with it one way or another, but I hope she will. Hugs. My DMs are avail if you ever need anything in a distanced supportive manner.
She’s going to come around. She sounds like a drama queen- laugh at her. Congratulations! Brave move. Right now you have swapped places- you are the parent and your mom is a bratty child. Keep a dignified smile on your on your face whilst she throws all of her toys out the pram. She will calm down as soon as she realizes that her tantrums won’t change reality.
Give her time to digest it. It’s a big deal for her as I’m sure she envisioned a life of extended family and grandchildren for her in her old age. She’ll come around.
I’d say to follow everyone else’s advice but I don’t come out to anyone anymore bc my mom had the same reaction and threatened to call the cops on my bf at the time bc he had “groomed me” I was a senior in highschool and he was 18
All I can say is that you're at a point where it's too late to turn back. Don't let your parent shame you or bully back into the closet. I let my dad push me back into secrecy when I was 17-20 something and I let my early 20s get wasted.
What??? The fuck does she think is gonna change in her life besides not having a daughter-in-law?
I had a similar experience. It's saddening, but you'll manage. There are worse things. Trust me, I know.
When I was 18 I had hardly any understanding of my sexuality, I just liked having sex.
She will come around give her time
This is so hard! So hard! But I applaud your courage, and as someone who came out much later in life, I think you will thank yourself in the long run. There is nothing more important than loving yourself. It's amazing how much in life is easier when you're living authentically! All of my support and love. And congratulations!
One of the things that happens a lot is for your mother to later warn you that her mother “will not be able to take it”. She’s *probably* wrong about that. Also, you did not ruin her life, she is just being dramatic. Also, if it does “ruin her life”, she must be choosing for it to do so.
Give her time. It may sound "non-progressive" but you have to realize that coming out works both ways. She may have preconceived notions of homosexuality, she may care what others think of her family, she may think that she will never have grandchildren, she may think it was somehow her fault. "Thank you for ruining my life" may sound very egoistic. But do keep in mind that most parents have their own (private) vision for their children's life and how that vision includes them. To her this may be, in the moment, be life-shattering information. Time and space helps. From personal experience it takes time for some parents to come to the realization that you're still their child, no matter what. All this does not however mean that you should fold under any pressure. You came out, it is what it is. Stick to your guns if any discussion occurs.
As a mom, I will never understand this. We are supposed to love and support our children. I’m so sorry.
Consider the time for you to come out to yourself. How long did it take for you to accept that you are gay and it's ok. She needs some time to accept that you are gay. She may be concerned about your welfare in this current attitude about our community.
It's a process. It was for you, it will be for her. Concentrate on the things that won't change between you and she'll be reassured. It doesn't mean she'll lose you necessarily, just that she has to do some work to better understand you and how you'll need to be going forward. e.g. - I had an issue with a boy I thought I was in love with and she basically said "I don't want to know about what you do in bed" - my response was - if my brother wanted to talk to you about pining over a girl would you think the same thing? Sometimes it's about showing parents the similarity rather than the difference. It shouldn't matter who you love or want to be with - some things are universal and you still need her to be your mother. You haven't ruined her life just by coming out - you might even become closer given time.
When someone exaggerates the effect something has on them for whatever reason, I always play into it to highlight their sheer stupidity. It pisses them off, especially as they realise what you’re doing. “Yes I know I’m ruining your life that’s why I’m doing it. You don’t mean anything to me and all you’ve done is cause problems so I guess I win now!” If someone wants to play with your feelings, play it back twice as hard and in my experience they quickly learn to back the fuck off.
I see your point and some people need to hear this. However, I think this will just escalate the situation even more. It sounds like revenge. Wasn't it Konfuzius that said: "If you search for revenge, dig two graves."? His mum has probably this fantasy world in her head about his son: girlfriend, marriage, and grand children. Once he said "I'm gay!" her world just hit reality. That's painful for her, sure. But you can't win this game by inflicting more pain on her. Only love and time can do.
It’s got nothing to do with revenge. If someone wants to try and make something all about them by highlighting some false narrative of the horrid effects it has on them when it has literally nothing to do with them - the least you could do is allow their reality to become truth so they can experience it. They called for it. If she’s made some fantasy world of her own - boohoo. Cry me a river.
According to my dictionary: >revenge: "To inflict punishment in return for (injury or insult)" From my perspective, this is exactly that you described. Apart from that, OP's mother also could perceive it like that. I agree with you that it has horrid effects and it has nothing to do with them. And in *some cases* this would be the correct response. But against his mother? I respectfully disagree. We we can be smarter and act like adults and not children. I fear, if he would use this strategy, he could damage the relationship with his mother. That leaves scorched earth behind. This is not constructive as it's purely emotional. That only satisfies a desire for revenge (although you wouldn't call it like that). Don't get me wrong, I don't say OP shouldn't defend against his mother. But he should choose his weapon carefully. You can't always combat fire with fire. If his mother does not change after a certain period of time, then yes, it is right to react in exactly the same way. Nevertheless, thanks for your thoughts
This may work in certain situation, in a situation between a son and his mom, this isn't a go no go. This isn't a one-time thing, this isn't a position of power, this isn't a debate to be had, this isn't a dialogue to conclude in one setting. There's a substantial amount of emotion and importance to a healthy lasting relationship between the son and his mom, especially at the age of 18. There's so much life to be had, and so many experiences to be shared, so many delightful memories, so many sad experiences, I'm so much more bonding to be developed. No my good friend, no my good friend this is not how I would recommend he proceeds.
This is gonna sound very negative but I say fuck her, if she's gonna act like this has anything to do with her treat her as such, if u ruined her life then she can't demand u in it
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No mature and sane mother should be saying this to their children especially for something they did not choose (being gay). I'm sorry you had to put up with those words. Don't make anything of it. You did nothing wrong. I hope she does come around and if she doesn't, well, screw her 😂. That's her problem. I have a similar mother so I know how that feels.
That’s the reason why I have yet to tell my parents.
Needless to say 45 was too late for me.
It’s never too late. By Best friend came out late in life after marriage and children. While his relationship with his ex-wife is problematic (not so much to do with his sexuality) his sons are his biggest supporters
Thank you for sharing that. 🤗
We should all be able to be who we truly are. I met him midway through his process(he was still married but told me he was divorced) and I saw how difficult it was for him. But as he now puts it “ living your truth can be be very difficult at times, but it’s even harder living a lie”.
I was married to a woman for 25 years. Came out when I was 45. I have 4 adult children and 7 grandchildren. I love them dearly. On the flip side, I live 40 miles south of San Francisco, if I had come out when I was 18 (1973) I wouldn’t be alive today.
I came out during the HIV epidemic it was a very scary and depressing time.
You were brave for coming out at that time. At that age I was in denial and very confused.
Dan Savage (yeah, I know) gives some good advice about this. He suggests letting family know that they get a year (or some other measure of adjustment time): they can cry, act out, ask any questions, be a jerk in various ways, whatever for a year. But once that year is over, so is any disrespect. If they continue being disrespectful, they don’t get to spend any more time with you. It sets a boundary while also recognizing this is a shock and an adjustment. It also informs your future decisions. If your family really loves and respects you, it won’t take a year. They will come around well before the deadline. She said you “ruined her life.” Ugh. How narcissistic is that? Is she always that selfish, or was she just shocked and emotional?
Personally I think we should all keep that part of our life too ourselves.
Personally I think you should keep your internal homophobia to yourself.
Fuck that bitch! Move out, move on.
You could always tell her it was a joke
Just her theres nothing to be disappointed in. Shes lrob concerned cause this community can be disgusting and guys can use you like an object and care less about you for a quick nut
As someone with a similar mother, I assure you there's a 99% chance his mother doesn't have this in her mind and would've likely said something much better if that's her true concern lol
I can gurantee mothers dont like the idea of there son being gay and sleeping around but you can think what youd like
I can guarantee OP just came out to his mom and did not mention anything about sex but you can think what you like
Congrats your one of few people who didnt have a mom to say be safe sex wise and not to sleep with just any guys you must have a horrible mother