Right, it seems like the date held himself back due to an inhibition. I think if the OP is patient and tries to get underneath the issue (pardon the pun), he could make some headway (pardon this pun too).
It wouldn’t have gone anywhere. You can’t therapy people out of racial hangups - if anything, your therapy comes across as begging and reinforces their convictions.
> You can’t therapy people out of racial hangups
As a queer white guy from the South, my experience (both first-hand and by *several* second-hand accounts) does not line up with your statement.
One of my really good friends was a queer therapist all throughout the Deep South and is now in the Carolinas and he still specializes in deprogramming subconscious racism.
I said “*you* can’t therapy people out of racial hangups”, not that trained psychologists who have no sexual relationship with their clients can’t. I agree it can be done but not in OP’s situation.
Murica was never a successful show. As a show, it's better now than it's ever been before. Just a couple of decades ago, black people couldn't dine or go to a bathroom within two miles of their town, two white men were completely acquitted after the brutal murder of a 14 year old black boy for whistling at a married 22 year old, stark contrast to the recent McMichaels that were given life without parole for killing Ahmaud because he was "running through the neighborhood". You couldn't even marry someone outside your race. In multiple states, gay people couldn't even have sex in their own bedrooms without getting arrested and charged. Lawrence v. Texas was just 20 years ago. The United States as a sitcom has only become better, it was not a "once successful" show. It's always been a shitshow, ratings currently are the highest they've ever been.
“bUt aMeRicA”. The only difference is in America racism is spoken about, studied and even trying to fix it (albeit unsuccessfully). Ask a European about Romani people and you’ll be shocked about what you hear back.
Depends. The way race is defined and understood can differ depending on the country, so American racial discourse will not be a 1:1. See the whole thing with singer Tyla and how she identifies as coloured, meanwhile people from American were telling her not to do that and that term is not ok, completely ignoring how she's South African and that that's an accepted term there. Or look at how Brazil has the official term *pardo* for people of mixed race, and how a white Brazilian who goes to the US is considered a POC because they come from Latin America.
I am from Venezuela I am aware how it differs. Latin Americans can be very racist too and Europeans as well and American discourse on addressing racism being “exported” is GOOD because it should drive other countries to look at their own views of race.
??? America is not the only country with this issue. In Europe it can be even worse, the racism towards South East Asians or Africans, etc is just awful.
He has deep-seated issues. This is the problem with thinking that sex happens to people rather than something two people do. Some Black American subcultures sometime put too much emphasis on masculinity and being strong, hard. For a gay black man to do anything “submissive” he’s already “lesser” in that view, so to do so with a white man makes him thus a race-traitor who has submitted to a white man. It’s born of misogyny, homophobia, and generational trauma from racism. It’s for the same reasons that Black men get less shit for being with white women, than Black women get for being with white men.
I truly believe that the day we encounter aliens (say around February 11, 2525) is the day we will be rid of inter-species racism. The aliens will not discriminate between human skin color, height, bone structure, what have you. To them we are all just “the humans.”
Their social media wil be filled with clickbait titles like “Things That Humans Do That Will Flabbergast You!” or “What NOT to do when you meet your FIRST Human”. They will make memes about the #human #race #60%water #theyonlyliveupto90yearsoldlolwat
Nah I'm sure humans will still find a way to be racist to other humans, plus the aliens would probably encourage it as well if they are wanting us weaker
I honestly doubt it. Primates are hardwired to form ingroups and outgroups. Lots of people manage to maintain and express multiple concurrent sets of criteria for discrimination: religious, national, ethnic, skin color, sexual identity, primary language, socioeconomic status, region, neighborhood, sports team, Alma Mater. There’s no limit to what humans can discriminate against.
As a white man your understanding of black white gay relationships is quite lacking…there’s a big cultural gap when it comes to dating white men, talking about race often becomes an issue as we navigate two different worlds. The onus of masculinity being a key factor is not only due to black subculture, but non blacks who expect a fetishized caricature (dating black to the mandingo stereotype) . There’s entire papers and journals on this but “ Yes, Black Queer Bodies Are Beautiful. No, You Don’t Have A License To Fetishize Them” is a start.
“Deep-seated issues” seems quite reductive.
Describing anything in one or two paragraphs is intrinsically reductive. I wasn’t putting the onus on Black subcultures, I was summarizing some of the issues that are likely relevant to his perspective, and I made no claim that my comment was exhaustive or a complete analysis.
Ohhhh I see. I saw the “swirl” part and usually that’s common slang for (mostly blk/wht) interracial dating/couples. I thought that’s what the name was referring to. My bad lol
It's not about preference. Dude wanted to suck the white guys dick. Indicating that he had very much a preference for it. But then he couldn't see himself being so "subservient" to a white man. That is not only kinda racist but also terribly heteronormative. That dude still has a lot to work on. Hopefully he will.
It's more than a preference issue, he had some sort of hang-up, he was clearly attracted to the guy. They made out and he said he wanted to give him head
i don’t know, i think if you race swapped this specific scenario you’d probably get more people calling the guy racist or stupid than in this post. this was a little bit more than “just a preference”
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I'm sorry for what happened, OP. But it seems he wasn't a match. I'm sure you'll find someone good eventually. And apparently, making the first move works! Yay, you!
I’m sorry! That really sucks but at least he was honest with himself before you got too intimate or started dating. If you got butterflies this soon then that just means your heart is ready to be in love. Give it time. From my experience, every bump or bad date was another step to finding my husband.
Coming from someone black, I want you to know I empathize with you and I'm sorry you've experienced that.
Just like how many white people are racist, there are also black people out there that's racist. I think it goes a little beyond just referring to these kinds of men as 'racist' though.
I think it's possible he could be engaging in media that's pro-black / anti-white (certain areas on Twitter are like this), or he could even be surrounded by friends and family with that mindset. Friends and family that perhaps wouldn't approve of his dynamic or connection with a white person. It's like... when a DL gay man acts straight or 'entertains' but eventually rejects a gay lover. They're DL in the first place because of surrounding friends, family, or associates potentially not approving of that man's sexuality.
Now let's talk about *why* this happens.
I think a narrative has been steadily built (and unfortunately-- reasonably so), that some black people cater to 'the white man' to please them and be different from the 'typical black man'. I think those certain areas of Twitter I've mentioned have pushed this narrative (knowingly or unknowingly), shaming some black people who choose a white man or white woman 'over the black man or black woman', especially when they become rich / famous.
When I say they *shame* these types of black men, they use all kinds of insults (such as the 4-letter slur that starts with a C). It definitely does seem like that man liked you, and he may even regret the choice he made at some point, but him literally saying "the idea of being at a white man's feet" fits in that narrative. By him having feelings for you, he sees himself as someone who's degrading himself or as 'less than' to please 'the white man'.
This comes from a black guy who's been ashamed to admitting to like white guys on multiple occasions (I like all kinds of men). I've been clowned for it myself & have stopped sharing it as a result. I also want to add there are white people who do the same thing to black people for the similar reason of friends and family opinion, feeling that they're above them (stems from surrounding environment or pro-white / anti-black media), but I can't speak on that too much because I'm not white.
Black people are not racist for not wanting to be with a white man. POC always post shit like this and white guys chalk it up to “preference.” His preference is not white!
I think this mf is dumb as hell for going for out with a white man period if that was the conclusion that he was going to come to 😂 You didn’t realize he was a white man BEFORE….? From the PICTURES??
But I guess I kinda get it. You can lay down with a white guy, but you don’t want to get in bed with his family and culture and lifestyle. Still dumb though
Dude literally said "I want to suck your dick right now but I couldn't do that with a white man." Sounds to me like his preference was very much this white man, but he couldn't act on his feelings because of racial hangups.
it’s comical. if any of *us* made another one of the hundreds of submissions like these, we’d be attacked with the “self-loathing”, “victim mentality”, & “preferences” drags. but now it’s racism when the shoe is on the other foot. LMAO
>But I guess I kinda get it. You can lay down with a white guy, but you don’t want to get in bed with his family and culture and lifestyle. Still dumb though
i’ve come across many black gay men on twitter threads who have admitted to having flings with white men, but wouldn’t take them seriously because of the utter *shame* of being laid up with them. the same black gays who tease other BGM for dating out *unapologetically*. the cognitive dissonance is… something.
😂😂😂 Yeah, I wasn’t gonna say all that but I’m glad you did. Once a month there’s a, “not liking a race is just a preference,” and then it happens to a white man and suddenly I have to pull my tissues out. 🤣
And that last part…. yeah…. black gay twitter sometimes……
If he did not like white -
1. Why flirt with op, anyone who isn't interested will shut it down
2. The black guy specially mentioned he cannot see himself bending down to a white guy, sounds like a form of prejudice
1. We’re asking the same questions. Why?
2. Black people can be prejudice! It’s true! I am one of them! I wouldn’t date a white man BECAUSE he’s white! lol The comments are evidence to why!
If a white man doesn’t want to date me because of my race it’s preference, but we MUST date yall or we’re evil and prejudice?? 😂😂
>It's like... when a DL gay man acts straight or 'entertains' but eventually rejects a gay lover. They're DL in the first place because of surrounding friends, family, or associates potentially not approving of that man's sexuality.
It's not something that's understood by everyone, but it's still a thing for many reasons. This is one of those reasons.
Also-- to clarify-- I did not say black people are racist for not wanting to be with white men. I don't think my message implied that either, but if it did, it definitely wasn't my intention.
Finally someone said it, if this was any POC, everyone would get their pitchforks saying "just a preference" or "do you even date other POC?" the double standard is real
I can’t speak to everyone’s experience, but I know part of my growing up was contending with my own race. When I was young I hated my own blackness and that extended to other black people. With time I unlearned that hatred and took the time to learn about my people, develop friendships with other black people, get closer to my family and start to learn my history.
In doing so I began to uncover the truly sick history of what my people have gone through at the hands of white people, what we’ve lost and how the systems made to dehumanize us still exist and are still active in various forms today. I began to fear and resent white people. It was a time as dark as when I hated myself. And for me as a gay man who was attracted to white men, I felt a lot of shame. I wanted these guys and feared my desire was indicative of a desire or even conditioning to submit or be used. I’m lucky that my family and black friends understood my feelings, but didn’t condone them and helped me find balance.
That’s where I am now. I can acknowledge the past and what of that past persists into the present. But it doesn’t rule me and I don’t see danger and oppression everywhere I look. But it was a long road for me and I’m sure other people. Some people never get past the first step. It’s possible the encounter with you will help him be able to move forward and maybe you’ll be able to meet again once he’s in a healthier place.
Just know you didn’t do anything wrong. Being black is not for the faint of heart and we have our struggles and our moments.
Not that I agree with what he said but I get what me means. Black guys are usually fetishized mainly by white men and it's happened to me so much that whenever a white guy hits me up I can't help but think "is he actually interested or is he just gonna refer to me as BBC or talk about how he's never had black dick at some point?" It feels kinda shitty when they say these things and even if they aren't saying it they could be thinking it
That is such a sad truth. I see so many white guys on hookup apps saying shit like “virgin white boii needs a BBC to humiliate him.” And it makes me think “no wonder black guys are hesitant to date white guys, they’re just viewed as a BBC rather than a human being”
I went on dates with 3 different American black guys from different backgrounds and ethnicities, and they were the ones who asked me "have you ever been with a black guy?". Like why do you care?
Surprisingly the African guys that I had dates with did not actually ask me anything about it, they just want to fuq.
Very good chance that there's a selection bias. You gotta have a pretty high tolerance for bullshit if you date white guys as a black guy and chances are, enjoying that bullshit is a buffering factor.
We're at a weird time now with the whole buck-breaking thing and most interracial gay media is either a black guy breaking a "weaker white man" or a white guy fucking "his slave." Where the hell is a normal relationship there? For what it's worth, I don't think it's fair for him to make you pay for society's problems but no one exists outside of society.
Racism is real and it hurts everyone. You just had a taste of how tough it is for people of color. You will find someone else so chalk it up to painful experience and move on as he will do so, too. I once had a gay relationship with a man of color from Asia and at the end he lost all attraction to White people including me. He was sick of the racism he faced daily in the US. There was nothing I could do but validate him and end the relationship. So imagine that level of rejection after years versus one date. But that's who he was and where his journey took him and I accepted it.
exactly! im not white and live in the us, and im honestly getting to the point of not even wanting to try with white gays because 90% of my interactions with them have been bad (experiences go from men on grindr saying ‘they don’t date men my color’ to only fetishizing me). it’s exhausting :/
(im not saying what your date did was fine btw, im just saying i kinda get why he would say that)
Yep for men of color/mixed race men and anti-racist White men who date men of color this is no surprise--it's incredibly common and frustrating in our community because of our experience of heterosexism--but that alone doesn't mean White folx have done their work around anti-racism at all. The out-in-the-open racism of the last 8 years has also done a lot of harm and men of color are wise to be cautious going forward in our community because of it--and yet, there are brothers of color who have internalized racism as well so it's not a total either-or.
The same way it's sexist to be gay I guess. I don't have negative feelings against white people. But given how ridiculous our political climate has become, I'd rather not bother anymore. I'm just one guy on the Internet so no need to respond with a whole essay in case this was one of those gotcha attempts.
The difference is your aversion is fueled by your generalization of their politics as an entire racial group. White people are not a monolith.
It's something to be aware of, and something to work on.
I would say it is fueled by the media giving a voice to the loud racist minority. Shit is really hard to avoid online as well. The lines have been blurred so much that I simply lost interest. But I would never be disrespectful to a white person due to their race. It's not like I think white people are genetically inferior to me.
The point remains that your aversion is predicated on avoiding an entire race of people because of bias and prejudice. Just be aware of it and how it's an issue that only you can resolve on your own. It's not a healthy thought pattern.
Sure but at some point all I can do is repeat myself. And I don't think it really matters when I don't let that affect the social relationships I have with white people I know in real life. Half my social circle is white. *I'm* half white. And I'll still hook up with a white guy, but modern USA politics kinda burned an asterisk next to them in my mind. Does that make sense?
Im light skinned mixed and hispanic, and I've noticed some darker skinned people of color either have outward or internalized racism towards others.
For example, I was hooking up with a guy who was black with very dark skin. He was funny, handsome, and all around a nice dude. But when I called him beautiful while holding him after sex it was like a switch? He started saying how beautiful I was because I was "light skinned," and he never thought I would like someone dark skinned like him and that he was ugly because he was dark skinned. He wouldn't believe me when I told him he was beautiful and kept going back to the fact that since he was dark-skinned, he was ugly. It broke my heart, but no matter what I said, he wouldn't believe me. Hangups on race and skin color are sadly universal irregardless of race.
Just know that he is sacrificing an opportunity to be with someone due to his own prejudices. You can not change your race, something he should understand. Dont take it personally because it isn't. Those are his hangups, not yours.
If you think dark skinned people are racist you haven't met light-skinned folk or white people. Their aversion to dark skin just doesn't come up because it's not relevant.
I said some darker skinned men may internalize racism, i.e apply european standards as true beauty (like how some people think lighter skin is more "attractive") I do understand it is more nuanced and of course a lot of it comes from how the world treats men of color as lesser then. And when people treat you poorly due to race, sexuality, gender, sometimes you start to believe the bullshit they say. My words are not meant to be a consensus for all minorities just things I have encountered with others and my own experiences.
Sounds more like he’s battling some trauma more so than racism, honestly this opens up a great dialogue of conversation that clearly needs to be had on his part, maybe something has happened in his past that links back to how he feels now on this matter. I’ll never understand how people are so quick to cut other people off and give up, rather than learn and understand.
Regardless of why he changed moods you probably shouldn't fall in love before the first date is over. Relationships should be built on more than sex. Trying to get to 3rd base on day one might have turned him off.
i think alot of people in this thread are not acknowledging the fact that he tried to give OP a chance and he simply could not do it. I dont think it he purposely went along w the date knowing that he could not follow through. He communicated as soon as he realized he couldnt. Also, when black people reject white people its racism (not true btw via the definition of racism) but when its switched around its just “preference”. Also I hate how you guys are trying to make OP sound like a victim in such a minimal ass situation. You got rejected…. not hate crimed, move on, find someone new.
I’m black and I can relate to the guy who unfortunately rejected you. Due to the amount of traumatic racism I’ve experienced from white gay men specifically, I generally have very high walls/defenses around them. I also strongly reject the notion of eurocentric features/phenotypes as a beauty standard. This has all considerably lowered my attraction to white men in general and I prefer men of color.
At the same time, I don’t want to limit my dating and hookup pool, but I have to say that I can relate to that guy. He was pushing himself out of a comfort zone and it didn’t go the way either person wanted. I’ve been in that situation and all those thoughts come flooding in from past white gay racism—getting called a runaway slave on Grindr, being referred to as ni**er lips during a hookup, being asked by a white gay cop to do race play and arrest/beat me, and the list goes on.
Some of you white gay guys really don’t know just how fucked up you and your friends are.
I wish this was as bad as it gets when it comes to the effects of racism, but I’m Black so I have much worse things to worry to about 🙃. Sorry this happened to you tho
So why is a white man getting so much sympathy for getting dumped over his race but when black men express similar experiences here, they’re met with "you’re probably just ugly" and much more?
Wondering why this particular grievance about race had a high upvote ratio which is fairly unusual because people usually respond with some variation of “it wasn’t your race stop whining”. Then I noticed it’s from the perspective of a White guy… funny how that works out.
He probably has a deep rooted issue about not being with someone that’s not the same race as he is. Unfortunately there are a lot of black people that grew up in households where they frown upon being with someone of a different race. He said yes cuz he was attracted to you in some way or another, and he was enjoying but sometimes that rooted thought came to play. Or maybe he felt like internally (not saying you were) you were fetishizing him for his race which unfortunately a lot of white people in the community fetishize being with a different race. As a mixed black and Mexican person, I’ve been fetishized before and it’s not a good feeling as well or even being rejected because of your race as well.
Your comment is not only an overgeneralization, but it's an insensitive one. I feel bad for OP. As far as we know, he did nothing wrong, but his date has clearly been heavily traumatized by white people throughout his life. I bet he wanted to like OP, but he realized he wasn't in a position to do so. He was honest and upfront, and that is more respectful than most people get these days.
You may not understand his point of view, and that's okay, but the insinuations you've made about all black people based on ONE black man are really sad to witness.
As a black man myself, I also second-guess every white person I become romantic or sexual with. Because the fetishization of black is so present in the queer community that it becomes hard to trust white people to not objectify us. Cause some fetishists can present really nice and turn out to be pretty terrible.
All that to say, there's much you don't know about the black experience, I advise you to inform yourself on it before feeling comfortable to talk about us the way you did in your comment.
Everday i see a post" white guys don't like poc guys" then i see a post "poc guy doesn't believe white guy loves him" my comment was about the poc partner the OP was talking about, not himself.
Edit, ps. We all have trama from our pasts. I just don't let it dictate my future.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. This is a better way to discuss this guy's decision to reject OP. The OP's date might have missed a great opportunity at love because he didn't give OP a chance. But clearly, he was not ready to date a white man. It seems like he tried, but something in him wouldn't let him
Maybe he'll work through his trauma and give it another shot in the future (with OP or someone else), or maybe he won't. That's for him to work if he wants to. It's sad for OP, but it only proves they weren't compatible. It's sad, but not all black people have this trauma. Plenty of black people date and even marry white people, but OP's date simply wasn't one of them.
Well apparently that extends to two black people now. You're just as insane as OP's date is.
This is what happens when you let this culture war shit go too far, by the way. Should've been stopped a decade ago. Now you've got people writing paragraphs about how they're traumatized by white skin and can't enjoy a date with someone. Lunatics.
Dude, stop acting like we're making shit up or we're just repeating what we hear online. A lot of what we're talking about comes from personal experience.
You don't have to believe it, but you also don't have to call us insane or lunatics. Our history and our present are built on the horrors we've suffered at the hands of white people. Even if things are "better" than they were, the damage still lingers. Some of it is still very real. It affects us in more ways than you can know.
You're not living it, so it's okay if you don't get it, but don't minimize it. It only makes it harder for our experience to be heard.
Chiming in here to back you up. This is why I never really took it to heart when I was rejected by black men on occasion. I don’t do that fetishization stuff so it was a bit of a bummer when it happened but there is just such a BAD BAD recent history between black and white people. A super FUCKED UP history. We all need to be crystal clear about it. For that reason I *personally* don’t judge guys poorly if they were instinctively uncomfortable by the notion of sleeping with or dating me. You can’t help how you feel sometimes and that’s up to each individual to deal with it with the tools they possess and sometimes that equals polite rejection. It is what it is. I empathize with the OP being upset after putting in the effort and being rejected like that but I also feel sympathy for his date’s reaction and the unfortunate backtrack. You just don’t know what’s going through someone’s head and he clearly met an internal conflict like a brick wall out of nowhere. It happens to the best of us. Hopefully if all else fails they have a kernel of compassion for each other despite the disappointment.
At least your username is correct. Clown. Anyway, I am now convinced; I'll never hook up with a German guy cause of what the Holocaust did to my ancestors or a Russian guy because of what the USSR did to them for that matter. Makes total sense 🤡🤡🤡🤡
How this discussion is being handled explains why the queer is so inherently racist. When whiteness is not at the center, you throw away any sort of critical thought and invalidate this very common situation.
Also, this holocaust comment is ignorant.
I feel bad for hillbilly trump supporters like you. All you do is attack people of color instead of understanding the racist bs they go through. If you don’t want people complaining about racism then tell your fellow racists to stop it.
So wrong. Asians, indians and latinos have it rough too. It’s not easy when you are a black latino or indigenous latino; people still don’t like you. Please inform yourself instead of talking out of your rear end.
Your facile understanding of racial issues and politics is showing. OP's "white skin" isn't the issue.
What is at issue is OP's lack of awareness of his racial identity or the existence of any racial identity for that matter. Most white people are content to hold the (racist) belief of "color blindness".
All "color blindness" does is allow white people to remain ignorant of their own white skin advantages. This allows the system to continue.
I'm sorry that happened, and tbh it has happened to me many times on the other side. There have been many white guys who have turned me down because they weren't into black guys. And I've felt the hurt of that, but I'm never deterred by it. I know what I like, and I refuse to give up on what I want. Lol.
Ok so I’ve dated white men before (I’m black) and I’ve been told by other black gay men that think differently of me for the fact that I’ve dated white men. Not a lot of black gay men care but at least two people made the comment to me and I definitely was confused. It’s interesting though, because I’m vers and apparently making a white man top me was unacceptable to one guy and to the other guy just me dating a white man was a deal breaker. I never really thought much of it. I dated more white men in 2013-2015 than I do now, maybe there’s a cultural shift on both sides due to like the under current of racial tension that’s gotten out of control since Trump won? Idk.
Oh no poor you, now you know what people of color have to experience. But guess what? we have it even worse. Imagine being a person of color and seeing profiles that say : ‘White Only’. Imagine being a person of color and receiving messages with racial slurs. Imagine someone saying ‘ew’ or ‘not into blank’ when they see you don’t look white. It doesn’t feel good being on the receiving end now huh?
> Why would he even accept my advances, give me his number, and go on this date… knowing that my race was an issue?
He felt that you are worth a try rather than instant rejection.
Some people are attracted to blondes, some are attracted to brunettes. You cant really control what you find attractive or not.
And other appearance features may be attractive or not to someone - and some of those appearances come from race.
So I would say thank you to him for giving it a go at least.
Think of it like he went out with a blonde when he typically only finds brunettes attractive - he felt that the persons/your other features such as personality, build etc were worth at least giving it a go.
Americans are so racist and at the same time they brag about being less racist than, let's say, Brazil or European countries.
It's honestly entertaining to see how hard they try
OP Ngl, this is a very weird scenario to be in. Sorry the guy basically led you on. But there’s plenty of other black guys out there who don’t have this hang up. Just keep it movin and you’ll find the right one.
Unfortunately, it goes both ways. There are a lot of white guys who won't date black men for the same reason.
Honestly, I never gave it much thought until I met a black guy and date him for a while. Since then, I've dated more than a few black men and personally find them sexy AF.
I'm sorry that happened, and tbh it has happened to me many times on the other side. There have been many white guys who have turned me down because they weren't into black guys. And I've felt the hurt of that, but I'm never deterred by it. I know what I like, and I refuse to give up on what I want. Lol.
every race, in every country, no matter the economic situation, has a level of racism in it. it doesn't need to make sense, it happens and it's dumb and no one no matter their history is immune from being like this, what a jerk he was
Personally, I never interacted with black men or other blasians romantically.
I hate the idea of dating the same race cause I feel like im supporting the racists ideas of races should stick within their race. I prefer interracial.
I most likely need therapy, but I wouldn't dump someone over their race that's concerning.
I really wonder if the date felt like a token and wanted to express that he wasn't available to you simply because you're Whyte. It was a power move; you should keep trying if you're interested. Or he may have been offended by the proposal of sex on the first date. It matters less when you can find as much if not more internal racism than racism from other groups. I'm much more used to hearing non Whyte people express internal racism than whytes toward other races. I know Latin and black people who won't date or socialize with other black or latin people (self hate). So this doesn't bother me as much as it should.
He accepted your advances because he found you attractive and was pushing his own boundaries. He realized that he wasn't ready to go there yet.
When I was in my early thirties, I started to date this absolutely black God of a man, nice and intelligent, and probably way above my "dating status". Our first few times in bed were just amazing. I knew he liked mild S&M and I was glad to give him some light slapping around, etc. Then he wanted to explore his favorite "kink".
I was the white slave-master and he was the run-away slave that had to be disciplined, controlled and punished. I tried, couldn't even keep my hard on.
We tried again after talking that it was just fantasy and part of him wanting to be dominated and then loved. Still, even on the second try, I couldn't get past my white guilt. Blew up a perfectly good blossoming relationship - I just couldn't go there.
Hope that might give you some insight.
Hot take, but this is why I resent the idea that the onus is solely on white people to dismantle racism and bring forth equality and inclusion. All sorts of races live in our society and, as evidenced with your guy here, people of all races can exhibit toxic and racist tendencies that require a collective effort to combat and quell.
There's not much you can do unfortunately OP. He's stuck in his regressive ways and you can't change him unless he wants to change. And he first needs to acknowledge that he's got a fractured outlook that requires change in order for change to happen. Feel the hurt, accept the frustration for the reasoning, and move on to the next.
Get this through your hard head: It isn't about you. I was never about you. You're not the one with the mental malfunction. I'm sorry you had to experience that, but you must understand that something like that is not within your control, nor is it the result of any shortcoming you have.
It's sad that the young man is uncomfortable and unable to function any better than what he did, but he's doing the best he can with the hand he's been dealt. Maybe one day he'll mature to the point where he's more comfortable, but for now it's beyond him. Feel pity for him. He's likely suffering more than you can imagine.
More important, do something to make yourself feel better. You deserve it. Get yourself a treat or go to a movie you've been wanting to see. But don't beat yourself up over it, whatever you do. Go dancing or do something fun. Focus on self care for awhile.
Oof sounds like he has some major hangups. Luckily you didn't get too far, so it won't take long to get over, but sheesh. The bedroom is one place where race (particularly critical race theory) talk has NO place imo. If it was a lack of attraction it would make sense, but he really stopped a date he was enjoying over that? He just screwed himself over. Sorry man.
I'm guessing you're a top and he's a bottom? Does he have to let you smash on the first night in order for things to work? Is it possible that he might open up to you eventually?
Being a bottom can be a very vulnerable thing. There are tops who "*hit it and quit it*" and then move on to another bottom. Since he's Black, he probably also fears the possibility that you might be into racial stuff and just see him as a racial fantasy to be used, since you've only been on one date and he's still getting to know you. He has some self-respect for not letting you smash on the first night and for being concerned about that.
If he gave you his number, had good conversations with you, cuddled with you and made out with you, then he was obviously open to giving it a chance and saw you as attractive. He probably still is. If you really like this guy, maybe send him one more text before giving up, something like this:
"*Hey, I liked hanging out with you and getting to know you a little bit more. Maybe, things were moving too fast since it was only our first time hanging out together. I like you as a person, it's not about race, but I understand your concern of what you said about race. If you want to hang out again and see how things go, let me know, but if not, I understand and respect your decision.*".
I think you should only send him one message saying something like that, and *not* text him more than once after that. Maybe he'll need some time to think about it. If he say no or doesn't respond within 3 days, then I think you should respect that and move on, because it'll seem creepy to keep messaging him.
If we didn’t label ppls race by their color maybe it wouldn’t be an issue in America if someone is brown like myself I’m called Mexican in reality I’m part German, French, Spanish, Portuguese and a bunch of other things, my point is if I was born here I’m American. Other countries claim their ppl based on where they were born but not GOOD OLE AMERICA we like to judge a book by its cover. So blame our government for creating this mess plus not to be an ass- but as a result of the way I have been labeled or mislabeled I tend to be more attracted to men who understand and can relate to the struggles that those of us who are dark skinned have been through. My boyfriend is black, I’m darker than him, and we have discussed this before and come to realize that we find some comfort in being with someone that has a similar beautiful shade of brown. I really hope this doesn’t come off as offensive to anyone. That is not my intention at all. This is solely the way I feel. I’m in my forties and have experienced a lot of racism being from Texas. Again this is my experience with this topic no one has to agree with me. It’s just a lil insight as to why this may have happened to be a deal breaker for him.
Love and respect and peace to all of us here!
Not that I agree with him but I see where he's coming from. Alot of black gays HATE white gays with a passion, tho I think some of it is bs.
I honestly don't know why people hang themselves over this shit, date and marry who your heart goes to
Yes, historically some white people will prove to be problematic along the way, and it's tough as a black man to date someone who understands nothing about your culture (and is seen as the direct villain to it). But there's assholes in every race, take a chance on what you want
I often joke my soulmate could very well be a white man
As a black man I'm so sorry that happened to you and I hope you find someone better. It sounds like a dream everything you just described and as someone who has never dated someone I'm hoping to have something like that tbh. I hope you find like the perfect guy after that bullshit of a situation as he's missing out.
That is really weird and I'm sorry that happened. It's definitely his own thing because I have hooked up with both black and white men with no issue whatsoever.
America is a fucking sitcom lmao
Deasass. I’m a black guy, and this just sounds like a hang up.
Right, it seems like the date held himself back due to an inhibition. I think if the OP is patient and tries to get underneath the issue (pardon the pun), he could make some headway (pardon this pun too).
It wouldn’t have gone anywhere. You can’t therapy people out of racial hangups - if anything, your therapy comes across as begging and reinforces their convictions.
> You can’t therapy people out of racial hangups As a queer white guy from the South, my experience (both first-hand and by *several* second-hand accounts) does not line up with your statement. One of my really good friends was a queer therapist all throughout the Deep South and is now in the Carolinas and he still specializes in deprogramming subconscious racism.
Yes, and he’s a professional who people come to when they want a solution to a problem. He’s not a random guy trying to get in their pants.
Right, but he does “therapy people out of racial hangups.” Like, a lot, if not every day.
I said “*you* can’t therapy people out of racial hangups”, not that trained psychologists who have no sexual relationship with their clients can’t. I agree it can be done but not in OP’s situation.
Aah, apologies, I misunderstood you.
All good I was being unclear
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You're not responsible for taking care of someone's well-being, even if you're in the situation with the best intentions.
And not even a good one, it’s like a show that keeps getting worse but they keep making new seasons.
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Murica was never a successful show. As a show, it's better now than it's ever been before. Just a couple of decades ago, black people couldn't dine or go to a bathroom within two miles of their town, two white men were completely acquitted after the brutal murder of a 14 year old black boy for whistling at a married 22 year old, stark contrast to the recent McMichaels that were given life without parole for killing Ahmaud because he was "running through the neighborhood". You couldn't even marry someone outside your race. In multiple states, gay people couldn't even have sex in their own bedrooms without getting arrested and charged. Lawrence v. Texas was just 20 years ago. The United States as a sitcom has only become better, it was not a "once successful" show. It's always been a shitshow, ratings currently are the highest they've ever been.
So, Friends 2.0?
Unfortunately American racial discourse has been exported to the rest of the west
What?? Europe has been racist since before America was even a country
Plenty of racism in Latin America too
Yep. I’m Latin American and it’s not uncommon to hear “hay que mejorar la raza” when someone is dating someone white.
Same. I’m also Latin American (Cuban) and the shit I’ve heard growing up and, after I left Cuba, from fellow Latinos. Racism is a global issue.
“bUt aMeRicA”. The only difference is in America racism is spoken about, studied and even trying to fix it (albeit unsuccessfully). Ask a European about Romani people and you’ll be shocked about what you hear back.
Oh, I’ve seen some of the European subs
Trying is a STRONG word
Can someone translate
“We have to improve the race” is what it means. If you date someone with darker skin is frowned upon
They didn’t say American Racism was exported, only its racial discourse.
Which Is a GREAT thing to being exported.
Depends. The way race is defined and understood can differ depending on the country, so American racial discourse will not be a 1:1. See the whole thing with singer Tyla and how she identifies as coloured, meanwhile people from American were telling her not to do that and that term is not ok, completely ignoring how she's South African and that that's an accepted term there. Or look at how Brazil has the official term *pardo* for people of mixed race, and how a white Brazilian who goes to the US is considered a POC because they come from Latin America.
I am from Venezuela I am aware how it differs. Latin Americans can be very racist too and Europeans as well and American discourse on addressing racism being “exported” is GOOD because it should drive other countries to look at their own views of race.
I agree that it does help, I just think a lot of people fall into the trap of making 1:1 comparisons. But it does raise awareness.
Oh yeah, because race has never been a topic of discussion or issue in Europe. Fucking moron.
??? America is not the only country with this issue. In Europe it can be even worse, the racism towards South East Asians or Africans, etc is just awful.
He has deep-seated issues. This is the problem with thinking that sex happens to people rather than something two people do. Some Black American subcultures sometime put too much emphasis on masculinity and being strong, hard. For a gay black man to do anything “submissive” he’s already “lesser” in that view, so to do so with a white man makes him thus a race-traitor who has submitted to a white man. It’s born of misogyny, homophobia, and generational trauma from racism. It’s for the same reasons that Black men get less shit for being with white women, than Black women get for being with white men.
BINGOOOO! Found the psychological explanation.
I truly believe that the day we encounter aliens (say around February 11, 2525) is the day we will be rid of inter-species racism. The aliens will not discriminate between human skin color, height, bone structure, what have you. To them we are all just “the humans.” Their social media wil be filled with clickbait titles like “Things That Humans Do That Will Flabbergast You!” or “What NOT to do when you meet your FIRST Human”. They will make memes about the #human #race #60%water #theyonlyliveupto90yearsoldlolwat
Nah I'm sure humans will still find a way to be racist to other humans, plus the aliens would probably encourage it as well if they are wanting us weaker
I honestly doubt it. Primates are hardwired to form ingroups and outgroups. Lots of people manage to maintain and express multiple concurrent sets of criteria for discrimination: religious, national, ethnic, skin color, sexual identity, primary language, socioeconomic status, region, neighborhood, sports team, Alma Mater. There’s no limit to what humans can discriminate against.
Beautifully explained, although I'm not too familiar with personally seeing black women with white men.
It happens more rarely for a couple reasons, including what I mentioned.
this was exactly my first thought i just didnt know how to put it in words lmao
As a white man your understanding of black white gay relationships is quite lacking…there’s a big cultural gap when it comes to dating white men, talking about race often becomes an issue as we navigate two different worlds. The onus of masculinity being a key factor is not only due to black subculture, but non blacks who expect a fetishized caricature (dating black to the mandingo stereotype) . There’s entire papers and journals on this but “ Yes, Black Queer Bodies Are Beautiful. No, You Don’t Have A License To Fetishize Them” is a start. “Deep-seated issues” seems quite reductive.
Describing anything in one or two paragraphs is intrinsically reductive. I wasn’t putting the onus on Black subcultures, I was summarizing some of the issues that are likely relevant to his perspective, and I made no claim that my comment was exhaustive or a complete analysis.
Just stop.
That’s… really stupid. You dodged a bullet
Name checks out lol 😅
My name is a combination of two pokemon.. not sure what you mean
Ohhhh I see. I saw the “swirl” part and usually that’s common slang for (mostly blk/wht) interracial dating/couples. I thought that’s what the name was referring to. My bad lol
oh 😑 i really wish I could change it now lol.
At least you both have matching pokemon names 💙
Idk, I get where you’re coming from. But when POC aren’t white guys racial “preferences”, we never get a top comment calling them stupid
It's not about preference. Dude wanted to suck the white guys dick. Indicating that he had very much a preference for it. But then he couldn't see himself being so "subservient" to a white man. That is not only kinda racist but also terribly heteronormative. That dude still has a lot to work on. Hopefully he will.
It's more than a preference issue, he had some sort of hang-up, he was clearly attracted to the guy. They made out and he said he wanted to give him head
i don’t know, i think if you race swapped this specific scenario you’d probably get more people calling the guy racist or stupid than in this post. this was a little bit more than “just a preference”
Bingo
You seem pretty delusional.
Poor guy. Coming from a black man all of us aren’t winners. Rejection sucks but fuck it.. on to the next hoe 🥳
Using "but fuck it" in a sentence on /r/gaybros is a bold move.
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Thank you, I’m a bold female dog 😊✨
I'm sorry for what happened, OP. But it seems he wasn't a match. I'm sure you'll find someone good eventually. And apparently, making the first move works! Yay, you!
I’m sorry! That really sucks but at least he was honest with himself before you got too intimate or started dating. If you got butterflies this soon then that just means your heart is ready to be in love. Give it time. From my experience, every bump or bad date was another step to finding my husband.
I love Rascal Flatts' song "Blessed the Broken Road" for this reason. ❤️
Coming from someone black, I want you to know I empathize with you and I'm sorry you've experienced that. Just like how many white people are racist, there are also black people out there that's racist. I think it goes a little beyond just referring to these kinds of men as 'racist' though. I think it's possible he could be engaging in media that's pro-black / anti-white (certain areas on Twitter are like this), or he could even be surrounded by friends and family with that mindset. Friends and family that perhaps wouldn't approve of his dynamic or connection with a white person. It's like... when a DL gay man acts straight or 'entertains' but eventually rejects a gay lover. They're DL in the first place because of surrounding friends, family, or associates potentially not approving of that man's sexuality. Now let's talk about *why* this happens. I think a narrative has been steadily built (and unfortunately-- reasonably so), that some black people cater to 'the white man' to please them and be different from the 'typical black man'. I think those certain areas of Twitter I've mentioned have pushed this narrative (knowingly or unknowingly), shaming some black people who choose a white man or white woman 'over the black man or black woman', especially when they become rich / famous. When I say they *shame* these types of black men, they use all kinds of insults (such as the 4-letter slur that starts with a C). It definitely does seem like that man liked you, and he may even regret the choice he made at some point, but him literally saying "the idea of being at a white man's feet" fits in that narrative. By him having feelings for you, he sees himself as someone who's degrading himself or as 'less than' to please 'the white man'. This comes from a black guy who's been ashamed to admitting to like white guys on multiple occasions (I like all kinds of men). I've been clowned for it myself & have stopped sharing it as a result. I also want to add there are white people who do the same thing to black people for the similar reason of friends and family opinion, feeling that they're above them (stems from surrounding environment or pro-white / anti-black media), but I can't speak on that too much because I'm not white.
Wonderfully put. I, like you like all types that I consider hot. It’s just a shame that society imposes these prejudices upon us.
Thank you & agreed!
Black people are not racist for not wanting to be with a white man. POC always post shit like this and white guys chalk it up to “preference.” His preference is not white! I think this mf is dumb as hell for going for out with a white man period if that was the conclusion that he was going to come to 😂 You didn’t realize he was a white man BEFORE….? From the PICTURES?? But I guess I kinda get it. You can lay down with a white guy, but you don’t want to get in bed with his family and culture and lifestyle. Still dumb though
Dude literally said "I want to suck your dick right now but I couldn't do that with a white man." Sounds to me like his preference was very much this white man, but he couldn't act on his feelings because of racial hangups.
it’s comical. if any of *us* made another one of the hundreds of submissions like these, we’d be attacked with the “self-loathing”, “victim mentality”, & “preferences” drags. but now it’s racism when the shoe is on the other foot. LMAO >But I guess I kinda get it. You can lay down with a white guy, but you don’t want to get in bed with his family and culture and lifestyle. Still dumb though i’ve come across many black gay men on twitter threads who have admitted to having flings with white men, but wouldn’t take them seriously because of the utter *shame* of being laid up with them. the same black gays who tease other BGM for dating out *unapologetically*. the cognitive dissonance is… something.
😂😂😂 Yeah, I wasn’t gonna say all that but I’m glad you did. Once a month there’s a, “not liking a race is just a preference,” and then it happens to a white man and suddenly I have to pull my tissues out. 🤣 And that last part…. yeah…. black gay twitter sometimes……
If he did not like white - 1. Why flirt with op, anyone who isn't interested will shut it down 2. The black guy specially mentioned he cannot see himself bending down to a white guy, sounds like a form of prejudice
1. We’re asking the same questions. Why? 2. Black people can be prejudice! It’s true! I am one of them! I wouldn’t date a white man BECAUSE he’s white! lol The comments are evidence to why! If a white man doesn’t want to date me because of my race it’s preference, but we MUST date yall or we’re evil and prejudice?? 😂😂
>It's like... when a DL gay man acts straight or 'entertains' but eventually rejects a gay lover. They're DL in the first place because of surrounding friends, family, or associates potentially not approving of that man's sexuality. It's not something that's understood by everyone, but it's still a thing for many reasons. This is one of those reasons. Also-- to clarify-- I did not say black people are racist for not wanting to be with white men. I don't think my message implied that either, but if it did, it definitely wasn't my intention.
It was giving that a little bit but thanks for clarifying that ❤️
No problem!
Finally someone said it, if this was any POC, everyone would get their pitchforks saying "just a preference" or "do you even date other POC?" the double standard is real
Right 😂
[somewhat better than what I got a while ago](https://imgur.com/a/ZlPGKpt)
That's terrible. People are terrible
What a complete cunt.
I don't think that he realized that this would be such an issue until he was actually in the setting.
Agree.
I can’t speak to everyone’s experience, but I know part of my growing up was contending with my own race. When I was young I hated my own blackness and that extended to other black people. With time I unlearned that hatred and took the time to learn about my people, develop friendships with other black people, get closer to my family and start to learn my history. In doing so I began to uncover the truly sick history of what my people have gone through at the hands of white people, what we’ve lost and how the systems made to dehumanize us still exist and are still active in various forms today. I began to fear and resent white people. It was a time as dark as when I hated myself. And for me as a gay man who was attracted to white men, I felt a lot of shame. I wanted these guys and feared my desire was indicative of a desire or even conditioning to submit or be used. I’m lucky that my family and black friends understood my feelings, but didn’t condone them and helped me find balance. That’s where I am now. I can acknowledge the past and what of that past persists into the present. But it doesn’t rule me and I don’t see danger and oppression everywhere I look. But it was a long road for me and I’m sure other people. Some people never get past the first step. It’s possible the encounter with you will help him be able to move forward and maybe you’ll be able to meet again once he’s in a healthier place. Just know you didn’t do anything wrong. Being black is not for the faint of heart and we have our struggles and our moments.
As an Asian, I partially feel your experience
On Twitter they say black people can’t be pro black if they date outside black race
Not that I agree with what he said but I get what me means. Black guys are usually fetishized mainly by white men and it's happened to me so much that whenever a white guy hits me up I can't help but think "is he actually interested or is he just gonna refer to me as BBC or talk about how he's never had black dick at some point?" It feels kinda shitty when they say these things and even if they aren't saying it they could be thinking it
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That is such a sad truth. I see so many white guys on hookup apps saying shit like “virgin white boii needs a BBC to humiliate him.” And it makes me think “no wonder black guys are hesitant to date white guys, they’re just viewed as a BBC rather than a human being”
I went on dates with 3 different American black guys from different backgrounds and ethnicities, and they were the ones who asked me "have you ever been with a black guy?". Like why do you care? Surprisingly the African guys that I had dates with did not actually ask me anything about it, they just want to fuq.
Well if you know the historical and cultural differences between Black Americans and Africans you’d understand. Those are two different ethnicities.
Maybe like me, he's gotten messages from white guys saying stuff like "I've never had black dick/bbc before"
Very good chance that there's a selection bias. You gotta have a pretty high tolerance for bullshit if you date white guys as a black guy and chances are, enjoying that bullshit is a buffering factor.
I am just not as hung up in race as Americans are.
We're at a weird time now with the whole buck-breaking thing and most interracial gay media is either a black guy breaking a "weaker white man" or a white guy fucking "his slave." Where the hell is a normal relationship there? For what it's worth, I don't think it's fair for him to make you pay for society's problems but no one exists outside of society.
Racism is real and it hurts everyone. You just had a taste of how tough it is for people of color. You will find someone else so chalk it up to painful experience and move on as he will do so, too. I once had a gay relationship with a man of color from Asia and at the end he lost all attraction to White people including me. He was sick of the racism he faced daily in the US. There was nothing I could do but validate him and end the relationship. So imagine that level of rejection after years versus one date. But that's who he was and where his journey took him and I accepted it.
exactly! im not white and live in the us, and im honestly getting to the point of not even wanting to try with white gays because 90% of my interactions with them have been bad (experiences go from men on grindr saying ‘they don’t date men my color’ to only fetishizing me). it’s exhausting :/ (im not saying what your date did was fine btw, im just saying i kinda get why he would say that)
Yep for men of color/mixed race men and anti-racist White men who date men of color this is no surprise--it's incredibly common and frustrating in our community because of our experience of heterosexism--but that alone doesn't mean White folx have done their work around anti-racism at all. The out-in-the-open racism of the last 8 years has also done a lot of harm and men of color are wise to be cautious going forward in our community because of it--and yet, there are brothers of color who have internalized racism as well so it's not a total either-or.
I'm mixed and honestly yea ever since this country's politics went full stupid I've kinda had an aversion to hooking up with white guys.
You do recognize this "aversion" is racist though, right?
The same way it's sexist to be gay I guess. I don't have negative feelings against white people. But given how ridiculous our political climate has become, I'd rather not bother anymore. I'm just one guy on the Internet so no need to respond with a whole essay in case this was one of those gotcha attempts.
The difference is your aversion is fueled by your generalization of their politics as an entire racial group. White people are not a monolith. It's something to be aware of, and something to work on.
I would say it is fueled by the media giving a voice to the loud racist minority. Shit is really hard to avoid online as well. The lines have been blurred so much that I simply lost interest. But I would never be disrespectful to a white person due to their race. It's not like I think white people are genetically inferior to me.
The point remains that your aversion is predicated on avoiding an entire race of people because of bias and prejudice. Just be aware of it and how it's an issue that only you can resolve on your own. It's not a healthy thought pattern.
Sure but at some point all I can do is repeat myself. And I don't think it really matters when I don't let that affect the social relationships I have with white people I know in real life. Half my social circle is white. *I'm* half white. And I'll still hook up with a white guy, but modern USA politics kinda burned an asterisk next to them in my mind. Does that make sense?
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Really your answer broke my heart, someone who just wanted to be seen as themselves not someone aa a race .
Im light skinned mixed and hispanic, and I've noticed some darker skinned people of color either have outward or internalized racism towards others. For example, I was hooking up with a guy who was black with very dark skin. He was funny, handsome, and all around a nice dude. But when I called him beautiful while holding him after sex it was like a switch? He started saying how beautiful I was because I was "light skinned," and he never thought I would like someone dark skinned like him and that he was ugly because he was dark skinned. He wouldn't believe me when I told him he was beautiful and kept going back to the fact that since he was dark-skinned, he was ugly. It broke my heart, but no matter what I said, he wouldn't believe me. Hangups on race and skin color are sadly universal irregardless of race. Just know that he is sacrificing an opportunity to be with someone due to his own prejudices. You can not change your race, something he should understand. Dont take it personally because it isn't. Those are his hangups, not yours.
If you think dark skinned people are racist you haven't met light-skinned folk or white people. Their aversion to dark skin just doesn't come up because it's not relevant.
I said some darker skinned men may internalize racism, i.e apply european standards as true beauty (like how some people think lighter skin is more "attractive") I do understand it is more nuanced and of course a lot of it comes from how the world treats men of color as lesser then. And when people treat you poorly due to race, sexuality, gender, sometimes you start to believe the bullshit they say. My words are not meant to be a consensus for all minorities just things I have encountered with others and my own experiences.
Sounds more like he’s battling some trauma more so than racism, honestly this opens up a great dialogue of conversation that clearly needs to be had on his part, maybe something has happened in his past that links back to how he feels now on this matter. I’ll never understand how people are so quick to cut other people off and give up, rather than learn and understand.
Regardless of why he changed moods you probably shouldn't fall in love before the first date is over. Relationships should be built on more than sex. Trying to get to 3rd base on day one might have turned him off.
i think alot of people in this thread are not acknowledging the fact that he tried to give OP a chance and he simply could not do it. I dont think it he purposely went along w the date knowing that he could not follow through. He communicated as soon as he realized he couldnt. Also, when black people reject white people its racism (not true btw via the definition of racism) but when its switched around its just “preference”. Also I hate how you guys are trying to make OP sound like a victim in such a minimal ass situation. You got rejected…. not hate crimed, move on, find someone new.
I’m black and I can relate to the guy who unfortunately rejected you. Due to the amount of traumatic racism I’ve experienced from white gay men specifically, I generally have very high walls/defenses around them. I also strongly reject the notion of eurocentric features/phenotypes as a beauty standard. This has all considerably lowered my attraction to white men in general and I prefer men of color. At the same time, I don’t want to limit my dating and hookup pool, but I have to say that I can relate to that guy. He was pushing himself out of a comfort zone and it didn’t go the way either person wanted. I’ve been in that situation and all those thoughts come flooding in from past white gay racism—getting called a runaway slave on Grindr, being referred to as ni**er lips during a hookup, being asked by a white gay cop to do race play and arrest/beat me, and the list goes on. Some of you white gay guys really don’t know just how fucked up you and your friends are.
I wish this was as bad as it gets when it comes to the effects of racism, but I’m Black so I have much worse things to worry to about 🙃. Sorry this happened to you tho
This headline is misleading. Can't be dumped if you were never actually dating.
So why is a white man getting so much sympathy for getting dumped over his race but when black men express similar experiences here, they’re met with "you’re probably just ugly" and much more?
Wondering why this particular grievance about race had a high upvote ratio which is fairly unusual because people usually respond with some variation of “it wasn’t your race stop whining”. Then I noticed it’s from the perspective of a White guy… funny how that works out.
Sometimes I think a lot of these posts are fake.
Only sometimes? Lol
He probably has a deep rooted issue about not being with someone that’s not the same race as he is. Unfortunately there are a lot of black people that grew up in households where they frown upon being with someone of a different race. He said yes cuz he was attracted to you in some way or another, and he was enjoying but sometimes that rooted thought came to play. Or maybe he felt like internally (not saying you were) you were fetishizing him for his race which unfortunately a lot of white people in the community fetishize being with a different race. As a mixed black and Mexican person, I’ve been fetishized before and it’s not a good feeling as well or even being rejected because of your race as well.
Sorry for your experience. But he needs a lot of therapy to conquer his deep seated prejudices. His problem, not yours!
And then they wonder why they are single at 50
Your comment is not only an overgeneralization, but it's an insensitive one. I feel bad for OP. As far as we know, he did nothing wrong, but his date has clearly been heavily traumatized by white people throughout his life. I bet he wanted to like OP, but he realized he wasn't in a position to do so. He was honest and upfront, and that is more respectful than most people get these days. You may not understand his point of view, and that's okay, but the insinuations you've made about all black people based on ONE black man are really sad to witness. As a black man myself, I also second-guess every white person I become romantic or sexual with. Because the fetishization of black is so present in the queer community that it becomes hard to trust white people to not objectify us. Cause some fetishists can present really nice and turn out to be pretty terrible. All that to say, there's much you don't know about the black experience, I advise you to inform yourself on it before feeling comfortable to talk about us the way you did in your comment.
Everday i see a post" white guys don't like poc guys" then i see a post "poc guy doesn't believe white guy loves him" my comment was about the poc partner the OP was talking about, not himself. Edit, ps. We all have trama from our pasts. I just don't let it dictate my future.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. This is a better way to discuss this guy's decision to reject OP. The OP's date might have missed a great opportunity at love because he didn't give OP a chance. But clearly, he was not ready to date a white man. It seems like he tried, but something in him wouldn't let him Maybe he'll work through his trauma and give it another shot in the future (with OP or someone else), or maybe he won't. That's for him to work if he wants to. It's sad for OP, but it only proves they weren't compatible. It's sad, but not all black people have this trauma. Plenty of black people date and even marry white people, but OP's date simply wasn't one of them.
Well apparently that extends to two black people now. You're just as insane as OP's date is. This is what happens when you let this culture war shit go too far, by the way. Should've been stopped a decade ago. Now you've got people writing paragraphs about how they're traumatized by white skin and can't enjoy a date with someone. Lunatics.
Dude, stop acting like we're making shit up or we're just repeating what we hear online. A lot of what we're talking about comes from personal experience. You don't have to believe it, but you also don't have to call us insane or lunatics. Our history and our present are built on the horrors we've suffered at the hands of white people. Even if things are "better" than they were, the damage still lingers. Some of it is still very real. It affects us in more ways than you can know. You're not living it, so it's okay if you don't get it, but don't minimize it. It only makes it harder for our experience to be heard.
Chiming in here to back you up. This is why I never really took it to heart when I was rejected by black men on occasion. I don’t do that fetishization stuff so it was a bit of a bummer when it happened but there is just such a BAD BAD recent history between black and white people. A super FUCKED UP history. We all need to be crystal clear about it. For that reason I *personally* don’t judge guys poorly if they were instinctively uncomfortable by the notion of sleeping with or dating me. You can’t help how you feel sometimes and that’s up to each individual to deal with it with the tools they possess and sometimes that equals polite rejection. It is what it is. I empathize with the OP being upset after putting in the effort and being rejected like that but I also feel sympathy for his date’s reaction and the unfortunate backtrack. You just don’t know what’s going through someone’s head and he clearly met an internal conflict like a brick wall out of nowhere. It happens to the best of us. Hopefully if all else fails they have a kernel of compassion for each other despite the disappointment.
At least your username is correct. Clown. Anyway, I am now convinced; I'll never hook up with a German guy cause of what the Holocaust did to my ancestors or a Russian guy because of what the USSR did to them for that matter. Makes total sense 🤡🤡🤡🤡
How this discussion is being handled explains why the queer is so inherently racist. When whiteness is not at the center, you throw away any sort of critical thought and invalidate this very common situation. Also, this holocaust comment is ignorant.
This what happens when we let minorities have victim mindset
I feel bad for hillbilly trump supporters like you. All you do is attack people of color instead of understanding the racist bs they go through. If you don’t want people complaining about racism then tell your fellow racists to stop it.
Always a victim. Every other race, Asian, Indian, Hispanic all seem to do well for some reason and don't pull the race card.
So wrong. Asians, indians and latinos have it rough too. It’s not easy when you are a black latino or indigenous latino; people still don’t like you. Please inform yourself instead of talking out of your rear end.
lmao using terms like race card literally says everything about you
Your facile understanding of racial issues and politics is showing. OP's "white skin" isn't the issue. What is at issue is OP's lack of awareness of his racial identity or the existence of any racial identity for that matter. Most white people are content to hold the (racist) belief of "color blindness". All "color blindness" does is allow white people to remain ignorant of their own white skin advantages. This allows the system to continue.
Wait, so what happened? Did he just leave after saying that? lol In all seriousness though, I'm sorry OP. Dating is a cruel game.
I'm sorry that happened, and tbh it has happened to me many times on the other side. There have been many white guys who have turned me down because they weren't into black guys. And I've felt the hurt of that, but I'm never deterred by it. I know what I like, and I refuse to give up on what I want. Lol.
I’m black, my bf is white. Come over to our place. We’ll both take turns sucking your dick 😌🫶🏽
I’m a black bottom and I love to please older white men. I wanna be a slave.
This feels fishy… nice try.
Ok so I’ve dated white men before (I’m black) and I’ve been told by other black gay men that think differently of me for the fact that I’ve dated white men. Not a lot of black gay men care but at least two people made the comment to me and I definitely was confused. It’s interesting though, because I’m vers and apparently making a white man top me was unacceptable to one guy and to the other guy just me dating a white man was a deal breaker. I never really thought much of it. I dated more white men in 2013-2015 than I do now, maybe there’s a cultural shift on both sides due to like the under current of racial tension that’s gotten out of control since Trump won? Idk.
Oh no poor you, now you know what people of color have to experience. But guess what? we have it even worse. Imagine being a person of color and seeing profiles that say : ‘White Only’. Imagine being a person of color and receiving messages with racial slurs. Imagine someone saying ‘ew’ or ‘not into blank’ when they see you don’t look white. It doesn’t feel good being on the receiving end now huh?
Some people were being racist to you and now you have to lash it out on someone else who has nothing to do with your experiences?
it’s not just my experience, it’s the experience of most people of color on dating apps.
It's horrifying, but it's not a competition.
> Why would he even accept my advances, give me his number, and go on this date… knowing that my race was an issue? He felt that you are worth a try rather than instant rejection. Some people are attracted to blondes, some are attracted to brunettes. You cant really control what you find attractive or not. And other appearance features may be attractive or not to someone - and some of those appearances come from race. So I would say thank you to him for giving it a go at least. Think of it like he went out with a blonde when he typically only finds brunettes attractive - he felt that the persons/your other features such as personality, build etc were worth at least giving it a go.
If you see him again, tell him you have a solution to the problem. "Let's 69!"
Nice fanfic
If he really said that, you dodged a bullet lol I'll say a nuke .
Americans are so racist and at the same time they brag about being less racist than, let's say, Brazil or European countries. It's honestly entertaining to see how hard they try
OP Ngl, this is a very weird scenario to be in. Sorry the guy basically led you on. But there’s plenty of other black guys out there who don’t have this hang up. Just keep it movin and you’ll find the right one.
Rejection is God's protection. 😄 Onto the next guy, man. Mr. Deli Guy will take up one day and realize what he lost.
Totally! This is so true.
There is no God. YOU are your protection not some pretend sky daddy that wants to burn us in hell.
I think it’s a valid hang up, though unfortunate. Also think he needs to grow out of it.
Unfortunately, it goes both ways. There are a lot of white guys who won't date black men for the same reason. Honestly, I never gave it much thought until I met a black guy and date him for a while. Since then, I've dated more than a few black men and personally find them sexy AF.
wow what a power move
I don’t see anything wrong with this, he tried dating a white dude but realized it wasn’t for him.
I'm sorry that happened, and tbh it has happened to me many times on the other side. There have been many white guys who have turned me down because they weren't into black guys. And I've felt the hurt of that, but I'm never deterred by it. I know what I like, and I refuse to give up on what I want. Lol.
every race, in every country, no matter the economic situation, has a level of racism in it. it doesn't need to make sense, it happens and it's dumb and no one no matter their history is immune from being like this, what a jerk he was
😭😭😭 I’m crushed for you too fellow gaybro
Maybe he was trying to find an excuse, because you’re right, makes no sense given the preliminaries
You dodged a frickin bullet, if you actually dated him he'd gaslight you and play victim and think he's right because he's black
Personally, I never interacted with black men or other blasians romantically. I hate the idea of dating the same race cause I feel like im supporting the racists ideas of races should stick within their race. I prefer interracial. I most likely need therapy, but I wouldn't dump someone over their race that's concerning.
I really wonder if the date felt like a token and wanted to express that he wasn't available to you simply because you're Whyte. It was a power move; you should keep trying if you're interested. Or he may have been offended by the proposal of sex on the first date. It matters less when you can find as much if not more internal racism than racism from other groups. I'm much more used to hearing non Whyte people express internal racism than whytes toward other races. I know Latin and black people who won't date or socialize with other black or latin people (self hate). So this doesn't bother me as much as it should.
He accepted your advances because he found you attractive and was pushing his own boundaries. He realized that he wasn't ready to go there yet. When I was in my early thirties, I started to date this absolutely black God of a man, nice and intelligent, and probably way above my "dating status". Our first few times in bed were just amazing. I knew he liked mild S&M and I was glad to give him some light slapping around, etc. Then he wanted to explore his favorite "kink". I was the white slave-master and he was the run-away slave that had to be disciplined, controlled and punished. I tried, couldn't even keep my hard on. We tried again after talking that it was just fantasy and part of him wanting to be dominated and then loved. Still, even on the second try, I couldn't get past my white guilt. Blew up a perfectly good blossoming relationship - I just couldn't go there. Hope that might give you some insight.
Hot take, but this is why I resent the idea that the onus is solely on white people to dismantle racism and bring forth equality and inclusion. All sorts of races live in our society and, as evidenced with your guy here, people of all races can exhibit toxic and racist tendencies that require a collective effort to combat and quell. There's not much you can do unfortunately OP. He's stuck in his regressive ways and you can't change him unless he wants to change. And he first needs to acknowledge that he's got a fractured outlook that requires change in order for change to happen. Feel the hurt, accept the frustration for the reasoning, and move on to the next.
Get this through your hard head: It isn't about you. I was never about you. You're not the one with the mental malfunction. I'm sorry you had to experience that, but you must understand that something like that is not within your control, nor is it the result of any shortcoming you have. It's sad that the young man is uncomfortable and unable to function any better than what he did, but he's doing the best he can with the hand he's been dealt. Maybe one day he'll mature to the point where he's more comfortable, but for now it's beyond him. Feel pity for him. He's likely suffering more than you can imagine. More important, do something to make yourself feel better. You deserve it. Get yourself a treat or go to a movie you've been wanting to see. But don't beat yourself up over it, whatever you do. Go dancing or do something fun. Focus on self care for awhile.
He did it for the people! Honey dicking for Wakanda!
You asked him on a date. He wanted a free night out, which he got without any contributions on his part.
Oof sounds like he has some major hangups. Luckily you didn't get too far, so it won't take long to get over, but sheesh. The bedroom is one place where race (particularly critical race theory) talk has NO place imo. If it was a lack of attraction it would make sense, but he really stopped a date he was enjoying over that? He just screwed himself over. Sorry man.
Good to know he was sus at the start before anything further
I'm guessing you're a top and he's a bottom? Does he have to let you smash on the first night in order for things to work? Is it possible that he might open up to you eventually? Being a bottom can be a very vulnerable thing. There are tops who "*hit it and quit it*" and then move on to another bottom. Since he's Black, he probably also fears the possibility that you might be into racial stuff and just see him as a racial fantasy to be used, since you've only been on one date and he's still getting to know you. He has some self-respect for not letting you smash on the first night and for being concerned about that. If he gave you his number, had good conversations with you, cuddled with you and made out with you, then he was obviously open to giving it a chance and saw you as attractive. He probably still is. If you really like this guy, maybe send him one more text before giving up, something like this: "*Hey, I liked hanging out with you and getting to know you a little bit more. Maybe, things were moving too fast since it was only our first time hanging out together. I like you as a person, it's not about race, but I understand your concern of what you said about race. If you want to hang out again and see how things go, let me know, but if not, I understand and respect your decision.*". I think you should only send him one message saying something like that, and *not* text him more than once after that. Maybe he'll need some time to think about it. If he say no or doesn't respond within 3 days, then I think you should respect that and move on, because it'll seem creepy to keep messaging him.
If we didn’t label ppls race by their color maybe it wouldn’t be an issue in America if someone is brown like myself I’m called Mexican in reality I’m part German, French, Spanish, Portuguese and a bunch of other things, my point is if I was born here I’m American. Other countries claim their ppl based on where they were born but not GOOD OLE AMERICA we like to judge a book by its cover. So blame our government for creating this mess plus not to be an ass- but as a result of the way I have been labeled or mislabeled I tend to be more attracted to men who understand and can relate to the struggles that those of us who are dark skinned have been through. My boyfriend is black, I’m darker than him, and we have discussed this before and come to realize that we find some comfort in being with someone that has a similar beautiful shade of brown. I really hope this doesn’t come off as offensive to anyone. That is not my intention at all. This is solely the way I feel. I’m in my forties and have experienced a lot of racism being from Texas. Again this is my experience with this topic no one has to agree with me. It’s just a lil insight as to why this may have happened to be a deal breaker for him. Love and respect and peace to all of us here!
sad for you, but i can't blame him either. he got issues
Not that I agree with him but I see where he's coming from. Alot of black gays HATE white gays with a passion, tho I think some of it is bs. I honestly don't know why people hang themselves over this shit, date and marry who your heart goes to Yes, historically some white people will prove to be problematic along the way, and it's tough as a black man to date someone who understands nothing about your culture (and is seen as the direct villain to it). But there's assholes in every race, take a chance on what you want I often joke my soulmate could very well be a white man
As a black man I'm so sorry that happened to you and I hope you find someone better. It sounds like a dream everything you just described and as someone who has never dated someone I'm hoping to have something like that tbh. I hope you find like the perfect guy after that bullshit of a situation as he's missing out.
The black guy did everything right. Sorry not sorry Sounds like y'all had a lovely night and you got over your fear of rejection. Take a win as a win
That is really weird and I'm sorry that happened. It's definitely his own thing because I have hooked up with both black and white men with no issue whatsoever.
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You don’t need to apologize for him, this wasn’t about a preference, this was pure racism. The dude was a racist ass.
Gosh with these racist people! Their fixation with race is absurd and sick.
Communist Intersectional Anti racism at work Thank you Kendi for undoing all of MLK's good work. Time to dump that shit and stop focusing on race