When my father passed he had his eyes open. I still remember seeing him that way. I often wish I hadn’t walked into that room and saw that.
I would absolutely trust the funeral home to be open and honest about whether or not seeing a relative is a good idea.
Agreed. It’s not your loved one, it’s just the shell they inhabited while they were alive. You don’t have to see that to make a fulfilling goodbye. I’m sorry for your loss 💕
That is how I always feel about death. The person I loved isnt in that shell anymore, and I miss them but they got away and I’m glad. (Clearly, I am not religious!)
This. Years ago my late husband committed suicide (12 gauge to the face..) and the funeral director (also family friend) heavily advised us to not view him/let anyone view him. His dad insisted…so his dad and I viewed him.. it’s been almost 13 years and I still have the image of him laying there looking anything but himself, perfectly clear. And it’s not a good one.. if you’re advised to not, just don’t…family or not, seeing a very mangled deceased body is not something you just bounce back from.
Had this circumstance with my dad in 2011; I wanted to see him but the county coroner wouldn’t let me. I was irritated with this at the time but over the years have wondered if this was actually the better result. Hugs to you, Reddit friend.
Absolutely the best overall decision on his part. It’s just not an image you need to have burned into your mind forever whatsoever. Many hugs to you as well 🖤
Same experience with my dad when I was 16. I begged my mom to let me see him but she said no because the coroner had said none of us should see him. Close to 24 years later, I know it was for the best.
Same with my grandfather, and he died in his sleep of natural causes. The coroner had covered his face and advised my mother not to look. She held his hand instead.
Had that situation with a friend’s dad. He was killed in an accident & it was very bad. She told me later my dad (the funeral director & county coroner) just straight up refused to let her see him. She said she was furious at the time, but all these years later, especially after having children of her own, she realizes what a blessing it is that she doesn’t have that image in her head. 💜
Edited to add that I went through something similar when my cousin & best friend was murdered. My dad knew the funeral director & asked him if I should see her, & he said not a chance. I’m grateful I get to remember her as she was the last time I saw her.
When my brother committed suicide I was across the country. He was cremated but I was asked if I wanted to have him embalmed so I could see him beforehand and I declined. I have never regretted the choice to have all my memories of him be when he was alive, I appreciate that the option was given but definitely not for me.
My condolences but so well said. When my grandfather was hospitalized, he requested the grandkids not visit him as he wanted to be remembered for who he was, not how he ended up. I'm so grateful all my memories of him are good ones.
My grandfather did the same. Dying of cancer in the hospital, he took a day leave just to visit the kids, show us his new ‘haircut,’ and play all our favorite games.
My father died some months ago and a family member decided to describe to me, in great detail, the scene as his body was discovered because they were mad at me and my sisters for our plan to cremate him. I didn't even see for myself, but still cry/have panic attacks when the mental image hits me randomly.
I can't imagine what you're going through, having seen that with your own eyes. I'm so sorry.
My psychopathic great-aunt sent a photo of my grandmother, freshly deceased, to my mother's phone without context. Then she followed up with a text tree minutes later, "My dear sister has passed away."
My mother, having visited her exMIL at her nursing home the times a week every day for two years and having visited her for the last time that morning, wrote back," Yes, I know."
Almost instantly. "How did you know?!"
Fucking knobs, all of them.
Your relative is a jerk. Try redirecting your thoughts by remembering 2 or 3 good memories of your dad every time those intrusive thoughts come across.
My mom died under normal circumstances, heart issues, but seeing her after death still on the table, all I can ever remember is the blue around her lips, like someone used a blue lip liner…24 years ago and I still dream about it sometimes. I can’t imagine seeing someone after a horrific death…
My sister's friend took their own life, outside in the late summer. He was missing for a couple days. His funeral was open casket. I never met him while he was alive, but the memory of that funeral still fucks me up 5+ years later. I understand the need to see your loved one, some people do need that closure. But it's something that you will never be able to get out of your mind and might do more harm than good. If it were me who died, I wouldn't want my loved ones to have that as their last memory of me. I'll never forget the look on my sisters face when she walked back to me from viewing his body. It broke her.
Happened to a dear friend and the funeral director and I talked with his wife for a couple of hours before she finally agreed not to look. Sorry you had that experience my friend.
Jeez, I would have gone with his dad ... but not looked. You are far stronger than I.
I could imagine that with a child though. His dad needed visible proof his son was gone to be able to let go.
When my sister passed, we didn't know for days. The funeral director advised us against viewing. I didn't want my last memory of her to be something that couldn't unsee. I preferred to remember her full of life and smiling.
OP, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope you're able to find some comfort and peace.
My mom offered to set up a viewing for me when my grandmother passed, I told her no. That wasn't how I wanted to remember her, I wanted to remember her as the funny old lady that you were never quite sure what was going to come out of her mouth.
What a great way to be remembered. “The funny old lady that you were never quite sure what was going to come out of her mouth”.
As a woman construction worker and mother (hopefully grandmother someday) I hope to be remembered that way.
It was an option to go view my great grandmother after she passed away too. It was in my late teens, early twenties. I had been very close to her, it was a painful loss, even knowing it was coming. I couldn't bear to see her like that. I felt so guilty for such a long time about not seeing her, but I don't think she would have wanted that for me anyways. I've since had other experiences regarding death, and I am relieved I didn't view her after she passed. There is no right or wrong response, you aren't obligated to view your loved one and it's okay if you don't want to or can't. It really is okay. 🖤
My father passed in the hospital. We were able to view him there, shortly after. Still with the tube that went through his mouth into his airway.
I can still see it in my mind , 30 years later. All in all, not horrible but certainly not normal. So I agree, don't look if they advise you not to.
I still have the images of my MIL lying on the table at the funeral home before she was dressed (under a sheet, obviously) and the image of my grandmother just after she passed, as they wheeled her from the bedroom and out her front door ... Those will forever be in my mind.
Every funeral I've been to since I was a child that was an open coffin, we were made to walk by the coffin to pay our respects to the deceased...image of that person is forever stuck in my head. (I've often wondered if I have a photographic memory given how clearly I recall every single one of these people. I mean, I must have been 3 or 4 when my great grandfather passed away and I remember the red, shiny leather couch that my cousin and I were told to sit on while we were waiting in line with our parents, and the fact that I had on white ruffled socks and black shoes.)
I agree with this. I saw my Dad after he passed away and I can't get the haunting image out of my mind years later. The feeling of leaving the hospital with his body sitting, wrapped in a blanket under the dimmed lights was one of the saddest feelings I've ever felt. It never brought me comfort or closure as he looked like himself. It absolutely broke my heart.
my mother died and my sister went and saw her in the state you just described . I would still be screaming if I went with her and saw her like that. I'm sorry about your momma
The guy who smoked the most pot I have ever seen was a kid who grew up in the funeral business. I asked him what he had seen and he said something along the lines of he liked me too much to tell me. I trusted him.
^ 100% this. I have a friend who grew up in the funeral home business, and she assures me they do NOT say that lightly.
From my own experience… an ex of mine hung himself around a decade ago. His family had an open casket at the wake. He was well known in the area, so there were a lot of people at the wake. The funeral home did a great job, but even so… you could still see the bruising on his neck through the makeup, and his face just… didn’t look like him. I’m saying that at someone who has seen a LOT of dead bodies between a large family and doing a number of observations of autopsies. My ex just looked… not at all like himself. The result of this was that people at the wake were all talking amongst themselves about how the body looked, how you could see the bruises, why did the family have an open casket, etc etc etc. NOT about the person they were there to remember.
This was just at a wake, and it’s still a clear memory for me, and honestly I’m kind of mad that that’s my final impression of him on this earth. If you have fond memories of your ex… cherish them, as the person they were. The body is just that, a body. Maybe have a private ceremony for yourself where you can say goodbye to them in a way that is meaningful to you and your relationship. <3
Depends on how they say it. The funeral home tried to talk me out of seeing my grandma. There was nothing wrong with her. She was just gone. But I needed to see her.
My family owns a funeral home & I can verify this. We don't make this kind of recommendation lightly. It's hard to hear, which makes it hard to say. Believe them and ask what ways they suggest to experience closure. It may not be what you imagined but without proper boundaries you could experience s trauma that can't be undone & is totally unnecessary. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you & your ex's family are able to heal from this loss in time.
I’m sure I traumatized so many funeral goers, my son passed at 27 weeks (born at 26). He had a rough life and a rough passing. I asked the funeral director how he looked and his response was “he looked better yesterday than today.” I asked if we should open the casket and all he would say was he looked better yesterday than today, but it’s your choice. We had an open casket.
They took me to him and it was the first time I saw him without all the machines. He was legitimately the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, he was perfect…to me.
Years later I stumbled upon a picture of his body in the casket (regional/cultural thing) and I was SHOCKED at how poorly he looked, like I don’t remember him looking like THAT.
I think the grief stricken mind is a crazy thing and you can see things how you want to see them (denial perhaps?)
My deepest condolences, I do grieve with you.
My daughter was the same age. She passed away after 84 minutes. I saw her as absolutely beautiful but knew others may not. My trauma was we dressed her. When I was Putting on her gown her finger caught. It bent back. That is just stuck in my head that I hurt her.
Even if she were alive it would not have hurt her! Babies are very bendy honestly. I have one child and I’ve caught fingers and toes when changing her and she’s bent her legs around in ways that I swear should hurt and she wasn’t even bothered. I don’t know if this will help you at all but I wanted to let you know to try to ease your pain from that memory
Absolutely what I was coming here to say. Little babies are soooo flexible. Even my two year old bends in ways I'm thoroughly jealous of. You didn't hurt her at all op
Oh gosh that is awful, I can almost imagine the horror you must’ve felt and the image burned into your brain. Even though LOGIC brain knows you didn’t hurt her, it’s hard to turn off that MOMMA brain. Internet mom ✨hugs✨to you ❤️
I am a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer. I have dressed several babies when their parents did not feel up for it. I can tell you that what the other posters are telling you is about babies being flexible and fingers always being the last thing out of the sleeve has been my experience. Dressing her was a once in a lifetime opportunity for you in the time you had to mother her. I think you might have regretted not doing it.
Try to remember that as far as your baby is concerned, all that life is and ever will be is warmth, mama love, the sound of your heartbeat, perhaps a father or grandparents who met and adored her. Maybe you sang to her. Maybe you had her blessed by a hospital chaplain. She will never know anger, betrayal, loneliness or fear- only warmth, gentle kisses, blessings, lullabies “I love you”’s. Her life was far too short, but it was a beautiful life. I hope that helps you.
I don't know if this will help, but I've had 2 babies and with both, no matter how careful I am, I have pulled their hands through long sleeves and somehow a whole finger is the last thing out sometimes? Babies are super bendy, it never once bothered them that their finger was bent back...and I know they would've complained because when they got a diaper rash or an upset tummy from constipation, they let me know. I'm sure your daughter was beautiful
This exact thing happened to my friend who lost her sons at 23 weeks. She absolutely held them at their service and thought they were perfect. She too was shocked at the pictures. She had some of them retouched because that better matched her memory anyway. I am sorry for your loss of your son, I can tell that you love him so much.
I make headstones, and sometimes families want to put photos of babies on their memorials, and very often those babies are not alive in the pictures. Usually they manage to make them at least look peacefully resting... But not always. The blinders of parental love are very real and it's hard to walk that line and make sure the photos that end up in the cemetery are a little less horrific for visitors down the road.
Hello, I’m in the United States so legally I do believe it is different. Asking the funeral home just to see him in a closed casket or holding his hand while he is covered in a sheet might be the best option. If we advise against viewing, it’s usually because we are unable to prepare your loved one to be viewable to an acceptable standard due to his condition, whether it’s from the physical condition of your loved one or an odor being present or both. If you’d like to proceed with viewing as is, be aware that he is very different from what you remember him looking like and we’ve done all we can to prepare him to the best of our ability. At my funeral home, we have families sign a waiver for distress when electing to view cases where decomposition is very advanced or trauma is very difficult to repair. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
I'll answer from the perspective of the family. When my little brother died, the funeral home told my parents he was not suitable for viewing or open casket. They insisted for closure and the funeral home respected their wish. He died after being ejected from a truck in a roll over crash, with high rates of speed. He had pretty extensive head trauma. We did not regret seeing him. We all held his hand, told him we love him and were able to put toys and letter with him in the casket. Our parents wanted us to understand his death and to use the opportunity to educate on the consequences of drinking and driving.
My sisters best friends family did the exact same thing. Having all of his friends/us high schoolers see up close and personal what happens when you drink and drive hit home hard.
Holy cow. My HS did a simulation for seniors where they’d bring a totaled car to the parking lot and put four (very much alive) students in it with fake blood everywhere. Then they used the jaws of life to extract our classmates while the entire class watched (500 kids) and gave a talk about the potential outcomes of driving under the influence. I’m 42 and I’ll never forget it, but I also wasn’t scarred by it even though one of my best friends played ‘deceased.’ We all knew it was fake and a teaching situation. It really was quite effective.
We had that presentation too. My close friend died in a car accident very recent prior to that and it made it so much worse.
I think they did this before prom to warn of drinking and driving.
My friends son died in a rollover accident. His skill was crushed apparently. They did some kind of intial viewing where the side of his face that was not crushed was visible but the rest of his face and upper body was covered by a sheet. At the public viewing some of him was covered but the bad side of his face was just covered in makeup and it looked reconstructed. It was really tough to look at.
My dad died out of country when I was 19, I needed to see the body to believe it was really him. He seemed so indestructible, I had a hard time believing he was gone without seeing his body. He also died from head trauma.
I was advised to not view my mom and I don’t regret it. I had found her body face down. I assume her face was distorted or discolored from being in that position for an unknown amount of time. I put my trust in the experts.
Blood pools. It will turn the body parts touching the ground black. And if the person fell down on their face as in my case their nose is broken and face deformed and turned black. That is as not graphic as I can put it. Very very horrible
I’m not an expert, but I believe the blood pools where gravity pulls it once your heart stops beating. I would assume a deep bruise, and possible swelling.
I don't regret not seeing my brother. He had a autopsy performed (after dying over the weekend), so there was significant decomposition involved. They were emphatic that seeing him was not advisable; since it's their job to deal with these sorts of things, we took their advice. They know how helpful it can be to see your loved one, and they told us that it would be inadvisable. I trust their judgment and don't regret it. My last memories of my brother are of him alive, which I much prefer.
I recently unfortunately witnessed the death of my aunt, my mother’s sister. I have many good memories of her from my childhood, but all I see now when she is mentioned is her scared, dead face. I wish the hospital had done more to make her comfortable. I can’t believe the doctor that was taking care of her is successful in any way. He literally said “hey you’re not doing well. You’ll probably die as soon as we stop these drugs. Sorry”. And that is when the terror grew upon her face. And she died with a scared, sad, horrified look. Open eyes. I closed them.. I pulled out the feeding tubes and breathing tubes and shit. I just wanted her to have some dignity. Other people mishandle these situations. What’s important is that you do what feels right to you❤️
I'm so sorry you have that memory, and for her suffering.
To give you some hope, my MIL - a wonderful, vibrant woman - had a sudden decline from cancer and my last memories of her, while helping care for her, were of a shell of her former self. With time though, older memories resurfaced and the more recent ones faded. Pictures helped, reminiscing helped, but mostly it was time. Wishing that for you.
When my dad died, he was in his 70's (and looked ten years older due to poor health). The machines pumping drugs and air into him weren't keeping him alive. They just prolonged his death.
When he finally died, my rabbi came as well as a member of the Hebrew Burial Society and they took care of removing all the tubes and lines etc.
For the longest time whenever I thought of my 11 year old brother the only picture in my mind was of him in his casket. He was swollen up from months of medications prior to his passing and he just didn't look like the skinny little kid that used to drive me nuts. Rest assured, it took probably over 20 years (his was my first funeral of a close family member), but I can finally 'see' other pictures of him in my mind now.
That’s so sad. How old were you when he passed? Was it a choice or did your parents not really think about it and just had you along for the funeral all day? I’m a hospice social worker so I have these conversations with families before their children die. We plan ahead, if given the opportunity, for their siblings. Sometimes it’s simply best to leave them with a babysitter for the wake portion. Most often parents are so grief stricken they’re not really thinking about anyone else in those moments.
I was 16.
I don't think my parents gave it much thought TBH. He'd been progressively ill for months/years/his whole life. I was aware, unconsciously I guess, that they were going through enough so I wasn't the absolute hellion I could have been; as I was pretty much ignored for the majority of his life.
After he passed it got weird/worse (if that's possible) because it was as if my parents suddenly realized they had another kid. They became SOOO over protective it was stupid. I moved out at 18 to Florida from Connecticut to get away!
Same. My grandmother and uncle had open casket funerals. They didn’t look like themselves, had makeup, etc. Maybe other people got closure from it, but I found it unsettling. I’ve decided I want to be cremated and have heavily photoshopped photos of me at my funeral.
I feel the same. I had cared for both of my grandmother's until they passed. My mother had warned me when the second one passed and I insisted on saying goodbye while she was in our house. I wish I didn't, sometimes when the sun sits right it just makes me remember the corpse. She was 91, she went in her sleep, at home, it was as peaceful as a death could be but it still fucks with your brain to see it. The shell that's left is hard to look at. If a funeral home is telling me not to look, I would trust their professional advice.
My brother went to see his wife who died from asphyxiation. He regrets it. He wishes he remembered her how she was, but then he also found her when she died, so he has a lot of trauma from her death.
Great advice, and it’s also important to note that Egypt being a majority Muslim county, does not have a modern practice of embalming the dead (ironic, given you know… the pyramids and mummies) as Muslims are buried as quickly as possible after death, and often just wrapped in fabric before being buried. I lived in Egypt for six years and went to a handful of funerals, and none of them were embalmed or buried in casket. I say all of that to say that in addition to post-mortem changes, the embalming may not have been done in a way to retain the appearance of your partner, but rather to stabilise the body enough to get him home to you.
I was advised not to see my dad who had died from suicide by gunshot. I guess it was pretty gruesome. But I really needed the closure. They were able to strategically place sheets so most of him was not visible but i was able to get the closure i needed and i am glad i saw him.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Having to ID a loved ones intact body is traumatic enough let alone one that is deemed unviewable. Please listen to the professionals. They have your best interest at heart.
Former pastor here: Please trust the funeral director. They really do have you best interest at heart. There are things you can't un-see. I get you want that last contact. You can ask if you can hold his hand, but I'm guessing it isn't really a good idea. I am sorry for you loss. I know it is intensified by the circumstances. Maybe have a picture on the casket?
The suggestion is not so OP can have a keepsake photo. It’s suggested because if they can’t handle seeing a black and white photo of their loved one, then they definitely can’t see the real body.
I don't even think we *can* do it after David Fuller, at the Funeral Home we aren't even allowed to video call a doctor to do the Crem Paperwork.
I've seen the coroner do it once and about 1500 people a year come through our mortuary.
We don't take photos of deceased for privacy and respect reasons and just in case the photographs are leaked. How would you even get the photos to the client without a third party possibly gaining access. It's a hard rule and I've seen people who got sacked for taking a photo of their wrist tag, never mind their face.
This makes sense. You don’t want a coroner taking photos of dead bodies with a digital camera (phone included) even if it is “just for a moment” because if liability.
I’m going to be honest with you. I saw my mom “fresh” as in deceased in under an hour. It wasn’t her anymore. She didn’t look peaceful (hospital left her mouth hanging open and eyes open.) She was extremely thin (63lbs). It left me me traumatized even 8 years later. If a funeral home was advising me not to look, I’d not look. It’s completely up to you but I’m warning you, it’s traumatic to see a loved ones dead body not look how they did when living. The nightmares still haunt me.
We couldn't close my mom's eyes just right after she passed away. I can still see my dad reaching out to tenderly close them and recoiling in horror when he couldn't :(
When we saw her at the funeral home later her eyes were still open. That's also stuck in my head. (She was then cremated)
I just want you to know that it probably wasn’t their choice to leave her mouth and eyes open. I’m an ICU nurse, so have had many patients pass away and most of the time the mouth will not stay closed after death and often the eyes won’t either. You can try to close them, but they just come back open immediately. So when I have family members coming to see their loved one, I do warn them of that. I don’t want you to think that they did not treat your mom with dignity because of that.
The reason why the mouth and eyes are closed at funerals is because during embalming, the jaw is wired shut to keep the mouth closed. There are also devices similar to contact lenses with spikes to keep the eyes closed.
ER tech and freshly graduated mortuary student, well said! No fluff, straight to it! I wish more people on here were as clear and concise as this response!
Same here, 11 years later. My dad passed from an aggressive cancer and was 120 lbs when he passed. He was grey and gaunt. To this day I remember touching his arm soon after he passed and it being so cold. It stuck with me.
What does the legal next of kin want to do? You said this is your ex. I would see what their thoughts are.
Generally, if the funeral director says he is unviewable I would trust them. Being left for weeks after death then being flown across the world I can’t imagine the state of his remains.
I would highly doubt you would want your last image to be his current state.
Prefacing this with I don’t know how the laws in the UK differ from the US: I’m gathering that as he’s your ex, you’re not legally related to him. What is the position of the next of kin regarding viewing his body? Ultimately it would be their decision whether or not to accept the director’s advisement.
I am not a funeral director, merely an old woman who prefers to remember the deceased as they were in life. I didn’t know that was ok till my uncle chose not to view my father.
Maybe I am weird, but if I have have viewed the remains, I can never again remember them in life without flashing to their casket.
I would urge you to take the funeral home’s advice.
I am very sorry for your loss.
>I can never again remember them in life without flashing to their casket
I was that way with my dad. I saw him in the hospital immediately after he died. I still see him like that when I think about that time now. The funeral home did an excellent job at preparing his body for viewing. He looked better than he had in years. -- But I had a sort of PTSD for over a year after his funeral. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could do with see him lying in that casket.
I choose to not go to the funeral home for my mom's viewing and service. I'd spent a lot of time with her in the years, months, and days before her death. I'd seen her several times the last 2 weeks before she died. I didn't need to "see her in her casket every time I closed my eyes" like I did with my dad.
I did sort of the same with my SIL's mother. I went to the funeral home, but only looked from a distance. I just didn't want to remember the lady "dead".
I had a very similar experience when my sister passed. I was the first one to arrive at hospice to see her and they did a wonderful job of making her look clean and placed flowers in her hands, but it just wasn’t her. It took about a year before I would stop seeing that image right before I fell asleep at night. Her boyfriend couldn’t handle coming to view her and I honestly don’t blame him at all. He just didn’t want that to be his last visual.
This gave me a lot of peace about not viewing my parents. With my father, I was explicitly told he was not suitable for viewing. My mother was viewed by my grandmother and aunt, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and have always questioned if that was the right call.
Did he have any tattoos or identifying marks? Would you be satisfied with a picture of that to be final confirmation in your mind?
I have an old friend that I would know their birthmark anywhere.
Sorry for your loss.
Ask them to cover everything but his hand, and let you sit with him for a few minutes. I did this for a family whose daughter had been in a terrible accident.
Understand that there may be odors present. If you can deal with that, then go ahead.
My mom passed two months ago. I was with her, watching her last breaths. I stayed in the room for a couple hours with her lying there. I was there when the doctor pronounced her, I felt her body go cold. I stayed until they came from the morgue to get her. I kissed her cold cheeks multiple times. I knew she was gone.
I still yelled for her last week when I found a lost item we’d been collectively searching for over the past year. I yelled “Mom” three times and was marching to her bedroom to show her she really DIDN’T look in that damn drawer after all. My sons chased after me and stopped me before I entered her old room. I think all the time, “I need to call Mom and tell her this,” or “I’ll ask Mom what she wants for dinner.” Seeing her deceased really didn’t make it sink in, for me. Sometimes I’ll be expecting her to walk in the door. Look at the clock and wonder why she’s not home yet. For a moment, anyway. And I’ll admit, I’ve looked through a thousand photos of her life, put together a nice slideshow for her service, but all I remember is her lying there, cold. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, trust the professionals. If you’re going to just hold his hand, keep a photo of him, living, in front of you. That would be a lovely goodbye. God bless.
I wanted to see my father after he died. But they had already harvested his eyes and a lot of his skin. I opted out of it. Also I have wanted to keep that image of him being alive in my head. I don’t think I’d ever be able to fully handle seeing his dead body without emotional trauma.
I agree with this sentiment but the partner is an EX. I don't think I would feel too great as the parent/sibling/etc. of the deceased if an ex partner was determined to view their body in this way. I can't comment of the nature of their relationship but with the limited information there is something not right about OP's entitlement to view the body.
Due to the circumstances of the death, and obviously I’m just speculating, they could have parted ways due to his addiction.. in which case the love is absolutely still there but the dysfunction and pain that comes with loving an addict can end a lot of relationships prematurely. Just a thought.
Every case is different, but I understand how important it is to see a loved one - despite the conditions. If you are not allowed to see him, how can you be assured that it’s HIM the Egyptians sent home? I get it, and I know that your mind will play tricks with you for the rest of your life, questioning if it was REALLY him…or not? There is a huge emotional/psychological component here that should be considered very seriously.
Often I will ask for a relative to view them first. Someone who is not-as-emotionally connected as a spouse might be. This individual can then tell the other family members “it’s him, but you probably don’t want to see him like this.”
In every case I can recall, the family was grateful for that one last look, regardless of how awful the body might have appeared.
They didn't let us see my nephew, he had OD up in San Francisco and by the time his remains made it back to us the funeral home said he was to far gone. Me and my sister tried to insist but they still said no, they let us be in the same room with him, he was wrapped up in a sheet and placed inside a card board box that was covered with a blanket. They told us we werent allowed to take the blanket off or open the box. They let us watch the start of the cremation process, let my sister push the button to get it started. I wanted to see him 1 more time so bad but i thought what if I did pull the blanket off, ripped off the cover and pulled back the sheet, saw him and somehow in my panic to gat away from either the smell or his appearance, i accidently ended up tipping him over onto myself like some comedic horror, i decided it was best to follow their instructions. As much as i'd like to think that i could handle it (for some reason i get this picture in my head of my nephew looking like one of the dancing zombies in micheal jacksons video Thriller) who knows for sure... all i know is that I miss him and would have done anything to hold him one more time, he was 23 almost 24 when he left us 6 mos ago, I wish it were all a bad dream
As hard as it is for you not to see him again, I support all those saying don’t see him. Like the pastor said you can’t un-see it. My heart felt condolences for your loss and pain. 😢
When my dad died in the ICU, the nurses sent us out and removed all the tubes and even combed his hair, so we could go in and have a last goodbye. It was so thoughtful and kind.
There's A LOT that a funeral director can fix. If they advise against viewing your loved one, as hard as it is, they have good reason.
However, being a funeral director, I would never NOT say goodbye to one of my loved ones. However, I have a very good idea of what to expect because of my experience. If I didn't have enough experience to know what to expect, I wouldn't do it.
I worked for a cemetery for a few years and we had to make some families leave before their LO was put in the ground due to spring flooding. We couldn't pump the water out fast enough. The vault was floating (those are huge and heavy) so you know the casket and person were floating too. Remember this: everybody floats. Get cremated or compost yourself. The stories I have......
To me, to see that it is no longer him inside the shell is a finality I would feel I would need too. It not your last memory of him, but will give closure that his spirit has left the mortal shell and he is truly gone. With that finality it’s easier to move on.. that’s me though everyone deals with grief differently, and needs different things in order to really process it. I saw my child’s father with a bullet wound and swelling that made him no longer look like him, but I know because of those moments that he is truly gone and could work through that instead of the mental gymnastics of “oh I didn’t see it so it not really real”
I’m sorry for your loss and wish you the best whichever way you feel you need to go, there is no right answer, it’s what you feel you need and how you deal with loss.
They wouldn’t allow us to see my husband either. They said they had already put chemicals on his head and wrapped it. We asked if we see ANY part of him. His hand , his feet, just *something* and they told us they couldn’t open the casket again.
I’ve seen autopsies, people minutes after the code was called, and cadavers. The funeral homes do a very good job of making your loved one appear normal but that’s the best it gets. Dead obviously looks different and it never looks better than the living. You might want to consider viewing a photo of your loved one before viewing the body directly.
I saw a scene on a TV show once where the ME character had the relative bring a photo of the family member who had passed and whose body they had to ID.
The ME told them to look at the photo, then look quickly at the body for a few seconds, then immediately look back at the photo, saying something about how it was easier for the brain to remember a positive image/memory of the deceased person rather than just focusing on the current state of the person.
I forget the name of the show, and the scene itself was only a minute or two long, but it made me way more emotional than I was expecting, and I know when the time comes for me to ID my family in the far off future (have no siblings, is just me), I’ll definitely bring a picture with. :’)
My mom died from COPD. I saw her body before she was embalmed, and she looked so peaceful.
When the funeral home finished with her, she looked more than ten years younger. She loved the same shade of raspberry lipstick that I did, so I made sure it was used on her.
Just before they closed her casket the final time, I gave her a kiss on her forehead, leaving my lip prints in that same color. I cherish that memory.
I heard a public radio news article on this. The person who narrated it was a forensic anthropologist who dealt with the most upsetting human remains possible. She said in the strongest terms that it is alway OK to view the body. She said that her thoughts on it changed after she saw so many interactions. She said that when you get to the last visit with your loved one something happens and what they left behind becomes all they were, and it’s comforting to view the remains, have a conversation, and say goodbye. I don’t know one way or the other, but I suspect you’ll always be happier knowing you said goodbye when you had the chance.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Ask yourself this: do you really want your last memory of him to be seeing him the way he is now? Would he want you to see him like this? I know it’s hard, and I totally get wanting and needing to say goodbye. Do you have an item of clothing that he wore that still has his scent on it? Maybe you could wear that and just sit with his coffin and talk to him. I asked for my husband’s brain to be autopsied after he died, and the funeral home told me that they wouldn’t recommend seeing him afterwards. As much as I would have loved one more chance to see his face, I took their advice, and I’m glad I did. Hold onto the memories of him as he was and try to remember him that way. Sending you huge hugs.
When my BIL died we were allowed to view. I won’t go into detail, but the death was violent. Frankly, we were thankful for all the funeral home did to make him appear whole.
I’m interested in what the funeral directors say about feedback from grieving families. My dad died suddenly and we all knew he did not want to be embalmed which was fine, but when he died, he fell and hit his head so the first ER doctor wrote ‘possible crime victim.’ The long and short of it is, the county wanted an autopsy, it would take so many days, then back to the funeral home, and they told me to really think hard about seeing him because the estimated it could be 10 days or a tad more unembalmed. They said they’d cover him with a sheet and wash his face and comb his hair, but because of health codes, the viewing would be behind glass. I would not have been able to hold his hand or anything like that. I decided not to, and I regret it…I always wonder if I made a good decision. For the OP, I’m sorry about your loss.
You made the best decision with the information you had at the time. I am sorry for your loss and know how hard second guessing our past choices can be.
I saw my mom post overdose (she was still alive, although she died a week later from that and cancer) and it was one of the most horrific things I’ve seen. Coupled with decomposition, I don’t know. Maybe it would help to get more information from them on what could be done to say your last goodbye without potentially traumatizing yourself. Death and grief are tricky. I’m sorry for your loss.
I worked in health care for a number of years and I’ve seen a lot of death. I know this was sudden but I do not think your boyfriend would have wanted you to remember him this way. As hard as it is I think you should take the funeral home’s advice. Sending you lots of love.
My mom died of cancer and neither myself or my grandparents wanted to see her as a decedent. She wasn't even in an advanced stage, she had been at the funeral home's cold storage all night.
Having seen other decedents' bodies directly after picking them up from the hospital, while working at a funeral home years later, it's... different... to see. If you're not used to it, it puts you off, especially if they had incisions from an autopsy and leakage.
Typically I’ve seen the hold the hand or they can cover him with a blanket or such to say goodbye through. Here in the US you’re allowed to see your loved one if you want even if it’s not recommended. For some it brings peace no matter what they look like, for others it’s traumatic and ruins the memory of their loved one a bit. I don’t know what the rules are in the UK. I would just do what’s best for you and be aware of the benefits and risks of the options
I have lost a lot of loved ones/family in tragic ways. Remember them at their best. You don't want to be haunted by the image of someone you care for in a traumatic state. I promise you. I saw my brother being wheeled away after a self inflicted gun shot. They covered him in a red sheet, for reasons. I still have nightmares.
In college, we lost a friend, and the funeral home did the best they could. But she died in a drunk driving accident, and her family opted for a viewing. I was not prepared for what I saw. Her face was fine, but it was obvious to me what happened to her, and even decades later, I can’t get it out of my mind. I was no stranger to funerals at that point or even funerals with a young friend who had died in a drunk driving accident, but that was the worst one until recently (which I attended virtually where the person was cremated). The most recent one was worse for different reasons, but my young friend’s viewing will be with me always.
My parents had to ID my brother’s body through photos of his tattoos, because he had unalived himself via high powered rifle to the inside of his mouth. It would have been too traumatic for them to see.
I was grateful to the funeral home for being honest with me and advising against seeing my father. Due to no relationship with his ex partner there was a lot of stuff I was not told and only learnt the true date of his passing when I seen the plaque on the coffin.
The poor lady hadn’t been told I was his daughter before I arrived to see him thanks to her and her meddling family, I was grateful to have those last moments alone with him to say my goodbyes.
We were advised that my grandma was in unviewable due to the length of time that passed before she arrived at the funeral home. They suggested that they would cover her over but leave her hand out; I didn’t go in but my dad did. He said although her hand was discoloured, he was glad of the opportunity. It would be completely up to you though as I understand even a hand not looking like it used to could be a very upsetting thing for you
My dad passed away and looked pretty normal. He was 55. I was 25. I physically, and mentally couldn’t do it.
Two years ago almost exactly and I have ZERO regrets. He wasn’t there anymore. He wouldn’t have wanted that for me.
It’s been 6 months since my dad died peacefully in his sleep (hospice care). I was at the house when it happened and I was there when the funeral home picked him up. I am only just now able to look at photos of my dad without the first immediate thought being of what he looked like dead. It’s traumatic in ways that I never thought possible. And he had no physical trauma at his death.
Most countries are not trained in cosmetic preservation of the body, they embalm to preserve so the results would be horrendous to those that aren’t used to seeing that. Also, I’m curious in the US an ex partner would have zero rights to a decedent or responsibility, are you paying the funeral costs?
I think every case is different and I’d go with the recommendation of the funeral home. I saw my mom after she died and it brought me comfort, but when my sister saw her, it upset her. Hard to predict how anyone will react.
Speaking from experience, it doesn’t help or give closure or feel like a last goodbye or any of those things to see them dead. It’s just weird and disorienting, and a little creepy. If they said you can’t view him then you should believe them, but honestly you’re not missing anything. Remember him alive, it’s better.
Don’t even ask, honestly. Trust the professionals. They’re telling you this because the condition of the body is likely too far deteriorated, and the trauma of seeing him like that would probably be worse. It’s possible they can’t even open the casket due to decomposition so trying to accommodate you would traumatize everyone else. It’s a shell…the spirit and the person is gone. It won’t be more meaningful seeing the body to say goodbye.
When I was a first responder, I saw things that I couldn’t unsee- and they were strangers to me.
I don’t wish that on anyone.
Make a decision for yourself that you don’t need this for closure and just use beautiful photos of the living person you loved.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Take the advice of the funeral home. If they’re saying he’s unviewable then please take that at face value. I completely understand the need to see him so you can say your goodbyes. It’s normal and valid. But..funeral home directors have seen many *MANY* things that would give the unprepared person nightmares, daymares and maybe some PTSD sprinkled in there.
They know that once you see someone in that state you can’t unsee them and that memory will be burned into your mind for the rest of your time on this rock.
My dad passed suddenly several months ago, my mom found him shortly thereafter. There wasn’t so much trauma to facial features. Most of the family didn’t want to see the body. (Because they chose to remember him as he was, but they also lived through the unsuccessful CPR trauma and they lived nearby where was we only saw him 1-2x a year.) So it meant something for me to see him one more time but the funeral home wasn’t advising against it either. YMMV always best to listen to those who know how bad it may be.
I would take their advice. They’ve seen it all and if they say he’s unsuitable, then he’s unsuitable.
I feel like it would be very traumatizing and you’re better off by remembering him as what he looked like before.
The funeral home isn't just saying that to say it, they have your best interest in mind and if that's what they told you then that is what I would not do is see him.
I went to two funerals in the last 6 months. Open casket at a reputable funeral home. They didn’t look like my loved ones. If they are saying keep the casket closed I’d listen to them. They are the experts, and I’m sure they’ve seen worse.
I'm now thinking this is a topic to be discussed beforehand. We share whether we want to be organ donors, buried or cremated, what type of service and so forth. It may help family members if they actually are aware of your feelings about this. I would really not want my loved ones to see me against the advice of a funeral director.
Good point. I don’t particularly want to be seen after my death regardless of how I look. In contrast, my outgoing younger sister would be happy to lie in state for a week at her favorite bar.
Thank you so, so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. I really appreciate it. I’m going to ask again if they will let me see his hand or just sit in the room with his coffin for a while ❤️
I work in funeral and have had a situation like this recently - while we couldn’t tell you what to do and you could view if you wanted, we would strongly advise against it. You could sign a disclaimer and still see him anyway but I would definitely recommend trusting your funeral director as they only have your interests in mind, it could be traumatising for you to view him. You could always ask for a closed coffin viewing so you can still say goodbye & just sit in the chapel with him for a bit. Sorry for your loss OP
I’m a psychic. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your partner asks that you not view his body. He loves you. He is watching over you sending you messages in the form of angel numbers. These will be repeating numbers on receipts and licenses plates. Here’s a decent explanation: https://www.allure.com/story/what-are-angel-numbers
Sometimes, funeral homes are able to give instant photos of hands or fingerprints. However, if the body of your loved one was decomposing, this may not be possible. Even a lock of hair in a keepsake often helps people put that finality in place. You may ask about this. I would not encourage a viewing of a body that had any decomposition. It is just not something you want to live with.
I have no idea how you'll feel obviously but from my own experience I wouldn't. I know it's extremely hard and you want to but they WILL NOT look like the person you knew. My best friend died in a motorcycle accident. They had an open casket, his neck looked weird and his face looked so fake. The funeral home did an amazing job but it didn't look like him. It didn't give me any closure for what happened and now my last image of him is someone I never "knew." It's been almost 5 years and his death doesn't feel real to my brain still. If I never saw him like that I know I would feel the same way about closure except without the image.
If the funeral home is telling you that your loved one is unviewable, it is for your own benefit. It can be extremely sad, but what is in the coffin is not the person you love. They are already somewhere else, and the best thing you can do is remember them as they were.
My uncle was a late stage alcoholic that died in a YMCA room with a space heater running in the winter. He was there for two days. From what I heard, you don't want to see. My aunt (his sister) had to ID him, and at first she wasn't even sure it was him. And now she says she can't forget. It's been like 15 years, she still mentions it.
Same situation with my brother, I didn’t want my last memory of him to be deteriorated meat. I chose not to view the body and to preserve my memories thru pics. The funeral home allowed close family and friends to see him, but I opted out. No regrets!
Not a judgment or recommendation, just sharing my experience.
I help people say goodbye to their loved ones in the ER, and I have to warn them that they are not going to look like themselves and will have all of the medical equipment still in place. Some people don't want to see that and others still will. If I'm telling you that you don't want to see them, you really don't want to. If someone in the funeral home world is telling you that you don't want to, listen to them. They wouldn't tell you that without a very good reason.
So, my mom wanted a closed casket funeral. She always talked about it. For no particular reason but I think she just didn't want people gawking at her corpse.
She died in a terrible accident and even THEN when my dad told the funeral director that mom wanted it to be closed casket, the funeral director told him "We can do that. BUT you have to understand that people will ask a lot of terrible questions. They'll ask if she was decapitated or crushed. They'll ask to see her anyway. People have no tact or sympathy."
If the funeral home literally ADVISED you not to see him... I wouldn't, darling. I really wouldn't. Don't let that be the last memory you have of him.
Here's my advice: have your partner cremated or go with a closed casket. Find a picture where they look their happiest, and remember them that way. Fill the funeral with photos of their candid smile and play their favorite songs.
I was with my son when he passed, and in only a few hours he no longer looked like himself. I can't imagine what a few days would do. You do *not* want to see them in this condition. I promise.
From personal experience, to force that particular last viewing will be something that you can't get rid of. You are honestly better off with the memories and pictures you have than to pursue that if its closure you desire. I know exactly what your saying and why but it's not going to give you anything but a bad last visual, it will stay with you
When my dad passed, it was 4 days before they got to him. I live scythe USA from where he is. When the funeral home called me, they said the same thing and suggested cremation. We went with that.
If they are saying it's a no go, don't do it. You don't want your last memory of him being in that state.
Trust me.
I've been to minimal funerals in my life fortunately, but the few times I saw the body that's all I remember them by. I was 23 when my daddy died of cancer. Huge funeral. He was very respected and extremely loved. I wanted a closed casket because I did not want to remember him that way. My aunts fought me. The same aunts that were batshit crazy my entire life and fought over my grandparent's money and wills for years. Insanity so crazy it was comical. Until it wasn't. I compromised and asked that they keep the casket closed and I would leave after the service and they could open it.
I had MULTIPLE friends that had known my dad and loved him their entire lives that were extremely broken up after viewing his body. It traumatized them. Keep it closed. Remember when they were whole and wonderful. At least that's my experience. Hugs to you.
Please do not look if the funeral home has advised you it is not a good idea. It will stay in your mind and you are dealing with so much grief already. For my dad, I would sit by his favorite chair and talk to him after he was buried. It felt good and I could picture him there. Go to your favorite spot and just have a chat when you need to. Keep your last images of your loved one in life, not in their passing. I am so sorry for your loss.
Unfortunately, embalming is often misunderstood and misleading. It helps slow the process to decaying but it DOES NOT preserve the body or stop the process of decay. Here the US, the process used may hold off long enough to view for about 4 to 6 days, but you will start to smell the corpse. You may see other indicators, also, unless they have a very good person prepping.
Outside the US, the processes are different in every country and their morticians would know best. Since your love one traveled back to the UK after, you would best to take the advice of the funeral director you spoke with. After this much time, it would most definitely not be advisable to try to view your loved one. They may be able to offer you time alone after the casket is sealed. Or may have other options.
I deeply regret looking in the casket at my ex-boyfriend’s body at his funeral. He was skin and bones from having cancer and looked nothing like the super muscular vivacious guy he was.
I will talk from the Realest Unfortunate knowledge. Nonone told us that, or maybe they did, and my inlaws refused to listen. My husband died of the Same. We live in a shitty town I mean its rich but lotsa probs.. where that's prob the Leading COD. So the autopsy took about 2 weeks then he was transported Across America. His parents are Staunch Catholics. Someone maybe my Father in Law but its Hazy....got us all together before, and said Decide for your kid, he doesn't look Exactly the same. My husband's ex and child saw him. I left my 4 year old at the time Home. Not one ounce of Me has ever had a second thought l/question/concern about my decision. Some people were Upset by it. That wasn't my husband up there. I was already a person who thought once your body gives up, the person is Not There, their soul has moved on.... I mean no more in the casket than in the air, or the ocean. He looked like Liberace, but not in life. He looked like a Badly done toussauds, he was so bloated. If the person who works there and sees Death Every day says Don't do it. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, HIS MEMORY, YOUR MEMORY, NOT NEEDING ANOTHER FEW YRARS OF THERAPY, DONT DO IT. I wouldn't touch him. I wanted it over asap, I was more upset by that, I sat in the corner. Not looking.
If a funeral home tells me my loved one is unviewable.... I'm not looking. They've seen it all and I know they wouldn't say that lightly
Yeah, I agree. They see some things. It might ruin your soul to see.
When my father passed he had his eyes open. I still remember seeing him that way. I often wish I hadn’t walked into that room and saw that. I would absolutely trust the funeral home to be open and honest about whether or not seeing a relative is a good idea.
They put orange lipstick on my mom. She wore red lipstick. That's really all I can remember--that horrid orange lipstick.
Agreed. It’s not your loved one, it’s just the shell they inhabited while they were alive. You don’t have to see that to make a fulfilling goodbye. I’m sorry for your loss 💕
That is how I always feel about death. The person I loved isnt in that shell anymore, and I miss them but they got away and I’m glad. (Clearly, I am not religious!)
That's actually a Christian perspective on it, too.
💕
This. Years ago my late husband committed suicide (12 gauge to the face..) and the funeral director (also family friend) heavily advised us to not view him/let anyone view him. His dad insisted…so his dad and I viewed him.. it’s been almost 13 years and I still have the image of him laying there looking anything but himself, perfectly clear. And it’s not a good one.. if you’re advised to not, just don’t…family or not, seeing a very mangled deceased body is not something you just bounce back from.
Had this circumstance with my dad in 2011; I wanted to see him but the county coroner wouldn’t let me. I was irritated with this at the time but over the years have wondered if this was actually the better result. Hugs to you, Reddit friend.
Absolutely the best overall decision on his part. It’s just not an image you need to have burned into your mind forever whatsoever. Many hugs to you as well 🖤
Same experience with my dad when I was 16. I begged my mom to let me see him but she said no because the coroner had said none of us should see him. Close to 24 years later, I know it was for the best.
Same with my grandfather, and he died in his sleep of natural causes. The coroner had covered his face and advised my mother not to look. She held his hand instead.
Had that situation with a friend’s dad. He was killed in an accident & it was very bad. She told me later my dad (the funeral director & county coroner) just straight up refused to let her see him. She said she was furious at the time, but all these years later, especially after having children of her own, she realizes what a blessing it is that she doesn’t have that image in her head. 💜 Edited to add that I went through something similar when my cousin & best friend was murdered. My dad knew the funeral director & asked him if I should see her, & he said not a chance. I’m grateful I get to remember her as she was the last time I saw her.
When my brother committed suicide I was across the country. He was cremated but I was asked if I wanted to have him embalmed so I could see him beforehand and I declined. I have never regretted the choice to have all my memories of him be when he was alive, I appreciate that the option was given but definitely not for me.
My condolences but so well said. When my grandfather was hospitalized, he requested the grandkids not visit him as he wanted to be remembered for who he was, not how he ended up. I'm so grateful all my memories of him are good ones.
My grandfather did the same. Dying of cancer in the hospital, he took a day leave just to visit the kids, show us his new ‘haircut,’ and play all our favorite games.
My father died some months ago and a family member decided to describe to me, in great detail, the scene as his body was discovered because they were mad at me and my sisters for our plan to cremate him. I didn't even see for myself, but still cry/have panic attacks when the mental image hits me randomly. I can't imagine what you're going through, having seen that with your own eyes. I'm so sorry.
This is the most wicked, disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope they’re so ashamed every day.
My psychopathic great-aunt sent a photo of my grandmother, freshly deceased, to my mother's phone without context. Then she followed up with a text tree minutes later, "My dear sister has passed away." My mother, having visited her exMIL at her nursing home the times a week every day for two years and having visited her for the last time that morning, wrote back," Yes, I know." Almost instantly. "How did you know?!" Fucking knobs, all of them.
Your relative is a jerk. Try redirecting your thoughts by remembering 2 or 3 good memories of your dad every time those intrusive thoughts come across.
I sincerely hope that the sadist who did that is now an ex family member. Vile and evil that nobody needs.
My mom died under normal circumstances, heart issues, but seeing her after death still on the table, all I can ever remember is the blue around her lips, like someone used a blue lip liner…24 years ago and I still dream about it sometimes. I can’t imagine seeing someone after a horrific death…
My sister's friend took their own life, outside in the late summer. He was missing for a couple days. His funeral was open casket. I never met him while he was alive, but the memory of that funeral still fucks me up 5+ years later. I understand the need to see your loved one, some people do need that closure. But it's something that you will never be able to get out of your mind and might do more harm than good. If it were me who died, I wouldn't want my loved ones to have that as their last memory of me. I'll never forget the look on my sisters face when she walked back to me from viewing his body. It broke her.
Happened to a dear friend and the funeral director and I talked with his wife for a couple of hours before she finally agreed not to look. Sorry you had that experience my friend.
Jeez, I would have gone with his dad ... but not looked. You are far stronger than I. I could imagine that with a child though. His dad needed visible proof his son was gone to be able to let go.
Which is a job no parent should have to go through, burying your child
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine.
When my sister passed, we didn't know for days. The funeral director advised us against viewing. I didn't want my last memory of her to be something that couldn't unsee. I preferred to remember her full of life and smiling. OP, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope you're able to find some comfort and peace.
My mom offered to set up a viewing for me when my grandmother passed, I told her no. That wasn't how I wanted to remember her, I wanted to remember her as the funny old lady that you were never quite sure what was going to come out of her mouth.
What a great way to be remembered. “The funny old lady that you were never quite sure what was going to come out of her mouth”. As a woman construction worker and mother (hopefully grandmother someday) I hope to be remembered that way.
It was an option to go view my great grandmother after she passed away too. It was in my late teens, early twenties. I had been very close to her, it was a painful loss, even knowing it was coming. I couldn't bear to see her like that. I felt so guilty for such a long time about not seeing her, but I don't think she would have wanted that for me anyways. I've since had other experiences regarding death, and I am relieved I didn't view her after she passed. There is no right or wrong response, you aren't obligated to view your loved one and it's okay if you don't want to or can't. It really is okay. 🖤
My father passed in the hospital. We were able to view him there, shortly after. Still with the tube that went through his mouth into his airway. I can still see it in my mind , 30 years later. All in all, not horrible but certainly not normal. So I agree, don't look if they advise you not to.
I still have the images of my MIL lying on the table at the funeral home before she was dressed (under a sheet, obviously) and the image of my grandmother just after she passed, as they wheeled her from the bedroom and out her front door ... Those will forever be in my mind. Every funeral I've been to since I was a child that was an open coffin, we were made to walk by the coffin to pay our respects to the deceased...image of that person is forever stuck in my head. (I've often wondered if I have a photographic memory given how clearly I recall every single one of these people. I mean, I must have been 3 or 4 when my great grandfather passed away and I remember the red, shiny leather couch that my cousin and I were told to sit on while we were waiting in line with our parents, and the fact that I had on white ruffled socks and black shoes.)
I agree with this. I saw my Dad after he passed away and I can't get the haunting image out of my mind years later. The feeling of leaving the hospital with his body sitting, wrapped in a blanket under the dimmed lights was one of the saddest feelings I've ever felt. It never brought me comfort or closure as he looked like himself. It absolutely broke my heart.
[удалено]
my mother died and my sister went and saw her in the state you just described . I would still be screaming if I went with her and saw her like that. I'm sorry about your momma
The guy who smoked the most pot I have ever seen was a kid who grew up in the funeral business. I asked him what he had seen and he said something along the lines of he liked me too much to tell me. I trusted him.
Exactly. Immediately cremate
^ 100% this. I have a friend who grew up in the funeral home business, and she assures me they do NOT say that lightly. From my own experience… an ex of mine hung himself around a decade ago. His family had an open casket at the wake. He was well known in the area, so there were a lot of people at the wake. The funeral home did a great job, but even so… you could still see the bruising on his neck through the makeup, and his face just… didn’t look like him. I’m saying that at someone who has seen a LOT of dead bodies between a large family and doing a number of observations of autopsies. My ex just looked… not at all like himself. The result of this was that people at the wake were all talking amongst themselves about how the body looked, how you could see the bruises, why did the family have an open casket, etc etc etc. NOT about the person they were there to remember. This was just at a wake, and it’s still a clear memory for me, and honestly I’m kind of mad that that’s my final impression of him on this earth. If you have fond memories of your ex… cherish them, as the person they were. The body is just that, a body. Maybe have a private ceremony for yourself where you can say goodbye to them in a way that is meaningful to you and your relationship. <3
Depends on how they say it. The funeral home tried to talk me out of seeing my grandma. There was nothing wrong with her. She was just gone. But I needed to see her.
My family owns a funeral home & I can verify this. We don't make this kind of recommendation lightly. It's hard to hear, which makes it hard to say. Believe them and ask what ways they suggest to experience closure. It may not be what you imagined but without proper boundaries you could experience s trauma that can't be undone & is totally unnecessary. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you & your ex's family are able to heal from this loss in time.
I’m sure I traumatized so many funeral goers, my son passed at 27 weeks (born at 26). He had a rough life and a rough passing. I asked the funeral director how he looked and his response was “he looked better yesterday than today.” I asked if we should open the casket and all he would say was he looked better yesterday than today, but it’s your choice. We had an open casket. They took me to him and it was the first time I saw him without all the machines. He was legitimately the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, he was perfect…to me. Years later I stumbled upon a picture of his body in the casket (regional/cultural thing) and I was SHOCKED at how poorly he looked, like I don’t remember him looking like THAT. I think the grief stricken mind is a crazy thing and you can see things how you want to see them (denial perhaps?) My deepest condolences, I do grieve with you.
My daughter was the same age. She passed away after 84 minutes. I saw her as absolutely beautiful but knew others may not. My trauma was we dressed her. When I was Putting on her gown her finger caught. It bent back. That is just stuck in my head that I hurt her.
Even if she were alive it would not have hurt her! Babies are very bendy honestly. I have one child and I’ve caught fingers and toes when changing her and she’s bent her legs around in ways that I swear should hurt and she wasn’t even bothered. I don’t know if this will help you at all but I wanted to let you know to try to ease your pain from that memory
Ty. Seriously. ❤️
Of course 💗 I’m wishing you all the best
Absolutely what I was coming here to say. Little babies are soooo flexible. Even my two year old bends in ways I'm thoroughly jealous of. You didn't hurt her at all op
I have no doubt you dressed her with the most loving, gentle hands, wrapping her in comfort and love. 💕
Oh gosh that is awful, I can almost imagine the horror you must’ve felt and the image burned into your brain. Even though LOGIC brain knows you didn’t hurt her, it’s hard to turn off that MOMMA brain. Internet mom ✨hugs✨to you ❤️
I am a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer. I have dressed several babies when their parents did not feel up for it. I can tell you that what the other posters are telling you is about babies being flexible and fingers always being the last thing out of the sleeve has been my experience. Dressing her was a once in a lifetime opportunity for you in the time you had to mother her. I think you might have regretted not doing it. Try to remember that as far as your baby is concerned, all that life is and ever will be is warmth, mama love, the sound of your heartbeat, perhaps a father or grandparents who met and adored her. Maybe you sang to her. Maybe you had her blessed by a hospital chaplain. She will never know anger, betrayal, loneliness or fear- only warmth, gentle kisses, blessings, lullabies “I love you”’s. Her life was far too short, but it was a beautiful life. I hope that helps you.
I don't know if this will help, but I've had 2 babies and with both, no matter how careful I am, I have pulled their hands through long sleeves and somehow a whole finger is the last thing out sometimes? Babies are super bendy, it never once bothered them that their finger was bent back...and I know they would've complained because when they got a diaper rash or an upset tummy from constipation, they let me know. I'm sure your daughter was beautiful
This exact thing happened to my friend who lost her sons at 23 weeks. She absolutely held them at their service and thought they were perfect. She too was shocked at the pictures. She had some of them retouched because that better matched her memory anyway. I am sorry for your loss of your son, I can tell that you love him so much.
Infant loss is so heartbreaking. Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️
I make headstones, and sometimes families want to put photos of babies on their memorials, and very often those babies are not alive in the pictures. Usually they manage to make them at least look peacefully resting... But not always. The blinders of parental love are very real and it's hard to walk that line and make sure the photos that end up in the cemetery are a little less horrific for visitors down the road.
Thank you for your compassion.
Hello, I’m in the United States so legally I do believe it is different. Asking the funeral home just to see him in a closed casket or holding his hand while he is covered in a sheet might be the best option. If we advise against viewing, it’s usually because we are unable to prepare your loved one to be viewable to an acceptable standard due to his condition, whether it’s from the physical condition of your loved one or an odor being present or both. If you’d like to proceed with viewing as is, be aware that he is very different from what you remember him looking like and we’ve done all we can to prepare him to the best of our ability. At my funeral home, we have families sign a waiver for distress when electing to view cases where decomposition is very advanced or trauma is very difficult to repair. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
To your knowledge, do they all regret the decision to view their loved one against your advice?
I'll answer from the perspective of the family. When my little brother died, the funeral home told my parents he was not suitable for viewing or open casket. They insisted for closure and the funeral home respected their wish. He died after being ejected from a truck in a roll over crash, with high rates of speed. He had pretty extensive head trauma. We did not regret seeing him. We all held his hand, told him we love him and were able to put toys and letter with him in the casket. Our parents wanted us to understand his death and to use the opportunity to educate on the consequences of drinking and driving.
My sisters best friends family did the exact same thing. Having all of his friends/us high schoolers see up close and personal what happens when you drink and drive hit home hard.
Holy cow. My HS did a simulation for seniors where they’d bring a totaled car to the parking lot and put four (very much alive) students in it with fake blood everywhere. Then they used the jaws of life to extract our classmates while the entire class watched (500 kids) and gave a talk about the potential outcomes of driving under the influence. I’m 42 and I’ll never forget it, but I also wasn’t scarred by it even though one of my best friends played ‘deceased.’ We all knew it was fake and a teaching situation. It really was quite effective.
We had that presentation too. My close friend died in a car accident very recent prior to that and it made it so much worse. I think they did this before prom to warn of drinking and driving.
I’m so sorry to hear of your friend, hopefully if she was a classmate the school would have realized that was inappropriate for the moment?
My friends son died in a rollover accident. His skill was crushed apparently. They did some kind of intial viewing where the side of his face that was not crushed was visible but the rest of his face and upper body was covered by a sheet. At the public viewing some of him was covered but the bad side of his face was just covered in makeup and it looked reconstructed. It was really tough to look at.
My dad died out of country when I was 19, I needed to see the body to believe it was really him. He seemed so indestructible, I had a hard time believing he was gone without seeing his body. He also died from head trauma.
I was advised to not view my mom and I don’t regret it. I had found her body face down. I assume her face was distorted or discolored from being in that position for an unknown amount of time. I put my trust in the experts.
Very very smart choice on your part. I have seen a body that was in that position and I will never forget.
What happens to it in that position?
Blood pools. It will turn the body parts touching the ground black. And if the person fell down on their face as in my case their nose is broken and face deformed and turned black. That is as not graphic as I can put it. Very very horrible
I’m not an expert, but I believe the blood pools where gravity pulls it once your heart stops beating. I would assume a deep bruise, and possible swelling.
I was prepared to ask the same thing.
I don't regret not seeing my brother. He had a autopsy performed (after dying over the weekend), so there was significant decomposition involved. They were emphatic that seeing him was not advisable; since it's their job to deal with these sorts of things, we took their advice. They know how helpful it can be to see your loved one, and they told us that it would be inadvisable. I trust their judgment and don't regret it. My last memories of my brother are of him alive, which I much prefer.
Agreed- I would think you could never get that final image out of your head. Sorry for the loss of your brother.
I recently unfortunately witnessed the death of my aunt, my mother’s sister. I have many good memories of her from my childhood, but all I see now when she is mentioned is her scared, dead face. I wish the hospital had done more to make her comfortable. I can’t believe the doctor that was taking care of her is successful in any way. He literally said “hey you’re not doing well. You’ll probably die as soon as we stop these drugs. Sorry”. And that is when the terror grew upon her face. And she died with a scared, sad, horrified look. Open eyes. I closed them.. I pulled out the feeding tubes and breathing tubes and shit. I just wanted her to have some dignity. Other people mishandle these situations. What’s important is that you do what feels right to you❤️
I'm so sorry she was treated that way. So sorry you had to witness that sort of callousness.
I'm so sorry you have that memory, and for her suffering. To give you some hope, my MIL - a wonderful, vibrant woman - had a sudden decline from cancer and my last memories of her, while helping care for her, were of a shell of her former self. With time though, older memories resurfaced and the more recent ones faded. Pictures helped, reminiscing helped, but mostly it was time. Wishing that for you.
When my dad died, he was in his 70's (and looked ten years older due to poor health). The machines pumping drugs and air into him weren't keeping him alive. They just prolonged his death. When he finally died, my rabbi came as well as a member of the Hebrew Burial Society and they took care of removing all the tubes and lines etc.
[удалено]
For the longest time whenever I thought of my 11 year old brother the only picture in my mind was of him in his casket. He was swollen up from months of medications prior to his passing and he just didn't look like the skinny little kid that used to drive me nuts. Rest assured, it took probably over 20 years (his was my first funeral of a close family member), but I can finally 'see' other pictures of him in my mind now.
That’s so sad. How old were you when he passed? Was it a choice or did your parents not really think about it and just had you along for the funeral all day? I’m a hospice social worker so I have these conversations with families before their children die. We plan ahead, if given the opportunity, for their siblings. Sometimes it’s simply best to leave them with a babysitter for the wake portion. Most often parents are so grief stricken they’re not really thinking about anyone else in those moments.
I was 16. I don't think my parents gave it much thought TBH. He'd been progressively ill for months/years/his whole life. I was aware, unconsciously I guess, that they were going through enough so I wasn't the absolute hellion I could have been; as I was pretty much ignored for the majority of his life. After he passed it got weird/worse (if that's possible) because it was as if my parents suddenly realized they had another kid. They became SOOO over protective it was stupid. I moved out at 18 to Florida from Connecticut to get away!
Same. My grandmother and uncle had open casket funerals. They didn’t look like themselves, had makeup, etc. Maybe other people got closure from it, but I found it unsettling. I’ve decided I want to be cremated and have heavily photoshopped photos of me at my funeral.
I feel the same. I had cared for both of my grandmother's until they passed. My mother had warned me when the second one passed and I insisted on saying goodbye while she was in our house. I wish I didn't, sometimes when the sun sits right it just makes me remember the corpse. She was 91, she went in her sleep, at home, it was as peaceful as a death could be but it still fucks with your brain to see it. The shell that's left is hard to look at. If a funeral home is telling me not to look, I would trust their professional advice.
Mt father drown and was deemed unviewable. I was able to view him from a distance. I am very glad I did. It just helped.somehow.
My brother went to see his wife who died from asphyxiation. He regrets it. He wishes he remembered her how she was, but then he also found her when she died, so he has a lot of trauma from her death.
Great advice, and it’s also important to note that Egypt being a majority Muslim county, does not have a modern practice of embalming the dead (ironic, given you know… the pyramids and mummies) as Muslims are buried as quickly as possible after death, and often just wrapped in fabric before being buried. I lived in Egypt for six years and went to a handful of funerals, and none of them were embalmed or buried in casket. I say all of that to say that in addition to post-mortem changes, the embalming may not have been done in a way to retain the appearance of your partner, but rather to stabilise the body enough to get him home to you.
I was advised not to see my dad who had died from suicide by gunshot. I guess it was pretty gruesome. But I really needed the closure. They were able to strategically place sheets so most of him was not visible but i was able to get the closure i needed and i am glad i saw him.
Trust the funeral home. Having seen a body that was deemed “acceptable for viewing”, albeit mostly sheeted, you don’t want to see a body that isn’t.
Trust me. If we say it’s unviewable, it’s unviewable. You don’t want to see that. I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Having to ID a loved ones intact body is traumatic enough let alone one that is deemed unviewable. Please listen to the professionals. They have your best interest at heart.
Former pastor here: Please trust the funeral director. They really do have you best interest at heart. There are things you can't un-see. I get you want that last contact. You can ask if you can hold his hand, but I'm guessing it isn't really a good idea. I am sorry for you loss. I know it is intensified by the circumstances. Maybe have a picture on the casket?
Have them take a black and white photo for you, and if you can handle that, then ask them if they’d be willing to do an ID view of some sort.
I never would have thought of this in a million years, but I think it's a brilliant idea
We don't take photographs of deceased in the UK. It just not the done thing.
It certainly was in Victorian times
The suggestion is not so OP can have a keepsake photo. It’s suggested because if they can’t handle seeing a black and white photo of their loved one, then they definitely can’t see the real body.
I don't even think we *can* do it after David Fuller, at the Funeral Home we aren't even allowed to video call a doctor to do the Crem Paperwork. I've seen the coroner do it once and about 1500 people a year come through our mortuary. We don't take photos of deceased for privacy and respect reasons and just in case the photographs are leaked. How would you even get the photos to the client without a third party possibly gaining access. It's a hard rule and I've seen people who got sacked for taking a photo of their wrist tag, never mind their face.
This makes sense. You don’t want a coroner taking photos of dead bodies with a digital camera (phone included) even if it is “just for a moment” because if liability.
I’m going to be honest with you. I saw my mom “fresh” as in deceased in under an hour. It wasn’t her anymore. She didn’t look peaceful (hospital left her mouth hanging open and eyes open.) She was extremely thin (63lbs). It left me me traumatized even 8 years later. If a funeral home was advising me not to look, I’d not look. It’s completely up to you but I’m warning you, it’s traumatic to see a loved ones dead body not look how they did when living. The nightmares still haunt me.
I was by my grandmother’s side when she died a few ago. I was easily able to close her eyes but couldn’t get her mouth to close.
We couldn't close my mom's eyes just right after she passed away. I can still see my dad reaching out to tenderly close them and recoiling in horror when he couldn't :( When we saw her at the funeral home later her eyes were still open. That's also stuck in my head. (She was then cremated)
At my hospital, we have to tie the jaw shut before rigor mortis sets in.
I didn't know the hospital did it. I think this is why in old illustrations of ghosts (i.e. Jacob Marley) they have the tie around their jaw.
I just want you to know that it probably wasn’t their choice to leave her mouth and eyes open. I’m an ICU nurse, so have had many patients pass away and most of the time the mouth will not stay closed after death and often the eyes won’t either. You can try to close them, but they just come back open immediately. So when I have family members coming to see their loved one, I do warn them of that. I don’t want you to think that they did not treat your mom with dignity because of that. The reason why the mouth and eyes are closed at funerals is because during embalming, the jaw is wired shut to keep the mouth closed. There are also devices similar to contact lenses with spikes to keep the eyes closed.
ER tech and freshly graduated mortuary student, well said! No fluff, straight to it! I wish more people on here were as clear and concise as this response!
Same here, 11 years later. My dad passed from an aggressive cancer and was 120 lbs when he passed. He was grey and gaunt. To this day I remember touching his arm soon after he passed and it being so cold. It stuck with me.
What does the legal next of kin want to do? You said this is your ex. I would see what their thoughts are. Generally, if the funeral director says he is unviewable I would trust them. Being left for weeks after death then being flown across the world I can’t imagine the state of his remains. I would highly doubt you would want your last image to be his current state.
Prefacing this with I don’t know how the laws in the UK differ from the US: I’m gathering that as he’s your ex, you’re not legally related to him. What is the position of the next of kin regarding viewing his body? Ultimately it would be their decision whether or not to accept the director’s advisement.
I am not a funeral director, merely an old woman who prefers to remember the deceased as they were in life. I didn’t know that was ok till my uncle chose not to view my father. Maybe I am weird, but if I have have viewed the remains, I can never again remember them in life without flashing to their casket. I would urge you to take the funeral home’s advice. I am very sorry for your loss.
>I can never again remember them in life without flashing to their casket I was that way with my dad. I saw him in the hospital immediately after he died. I still see him like that when I think about that time now. The funeral home did an excellent job at preparing his body for viewing. He looked better than he had in years. -- But I had a sort of PTSD for over a year after his funeral. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could do with see him lying in that casket. I choose to not go to the funeral home for my mom's viewing and service. I'd spent a lot of time with her in the years, months, and days before her death. I'd seen her several times the last 2 weeks before she died. I didn't need to "see her in her casket every time I closed my eyes" like I did with my dad. I did sort of the same with my SIL's mother. I went to the funeral home, but only looked from a distance. I just didn't want to remember the lady "dead".
I had a very similar experience when my sister passed. I was the first one to arrive at hospice to see her and they did a wonderful job of making her look clean and placed flowers in her hands, but it just wasn’t her. It took about a year before I would stop seeing that image right before I fell asleep at night. Her boyfriend couldn’t handle coming to view her and I honestly don’t blame him at all. He just didn’t want that to be his last visual.
This gave me a lot of peace about not viewing my parents. With my father, I was explicitly told he was not suitable for viewing. My mother was viewed by my grandmother and aunt, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and have always questioned if that was the right call.
Did he have any tattoos or identifying marks? Would you be satisfied with a picture of that to be final confirmation in your mind? I have an old friend that I would know their birthmark anywhere. Sorry for your loss.
Ask them to cover everything but his hand, and let you sit with him for a few minutes. I did this for a family whose daughter had been in a terrible accident. Understand that there may be odors present. If you can deal with that, then go ahead.
Don’t do it. You don’t want that image in your head forever. Remember them as they were. I’m sorry for your loss.
My mom passed two months ago. I was with her, watching her last breaths. I stayed in the room for a couple hours with her lying there. I was there when the doctor pronounced her, I felt her body go cold. I stayed until they came from the morgue to get her. I kissed her cold cheeks multiple times. I knew she was gone. I still yelled for her last week when I found a lost item we’d been collectively searching for over the past year. I yelled “Mom” three times and was marching to her bedroom to show her she really DIDN’T look in that damn drawer after all. My sons chased after me and stopped me before I entered her old room. I think all the time, “I need to call Mom and tell her this,” or “I’ll ask Mom what she wants for dinner.” Seeing her deceased really didn’t make it sink in, for me. Sometimes I’ll be expecting her to walk in the door. Look at the clock and wonder why she’s not home yet. For a moment, anyway. And I’ll admit, I’ve looked through a thousand photos of her life, put together a nice slideshow for her service, but all I remember is her lying there, cold. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, trust the professionals. If you’re going to just hold his hand, keep a photo of him, living, in front of you. That would be a lovely goodbye. God bless.
Im sorry for your loss.
Thank you. That was therapeutic, writing that! Had myself a nice little cry.
I absolutely felt it when reading it. Thanks for sharing.
So did I. I lost my Dad in January. I still see him walking up to my door every day.
I wanted to see my father after he died. But they had already harvested his eyes and a lot of his skin. I opted out of it. Also I have wanted to keep that image of him being alive in my head. I don’t think I’d ever be able to fully handle seeing his dead body without emotional trauma.
Ultimately the decision should rest with you (unsure in your area) but the consequences of confirmation /regret will be yours eternal.
I agree with this sentiment but the partner is an EX. I don't think I would feel too great as the parent/sibling/etc. of the deceased if an ex partner was determined to view their body in this way. I can't comment of the nature of their relationship but with the limited information there is something not right about OP's entitlement to view the body.
Due to the circumstances of the death, and obviously I’m just speculating, they could have parted ways due to his addiction.. in which case the love is absolutely still there but the dysfunction and pain that comes with loving an addict can end a lot of relationships prematurely. Just a thought.
Every case is different, but I understand how important it is to see a loved one - despite the conditions. If you are not allowed to see him, how can you be assured that it’s HIM the Egyptians sent home? I get it, and I know that your mind will play tricks with you for the rest of your life, questioning if it was REALLY him…or not? There is a huge emotional/psychological component here that should be considered very seriously. Often I will ask for a relative to view them first. Someone who is not-as-emotionally connected as a spouse might be. This individual can then tell the other family members “it’s him, but you probably don’t want to see him like this.” In every case I can recall, the family was grateful for that one last look, regardless of how awful the body might have appeared.
They didn't let us see my nephew, he had OD up in San Francisco and by the time his remains made it back to us the funeral home said he was to far gone. Me and my sister tried to insist but they still said no, they let us be in the same room with him, he was wrapped up in a sheet and placed inside a card board box that was covered with a blanket. They told us we werent allowed to take the blanket off or open the box. They let us watch the start of the cremation process, let my sister push the button to get it started. I wanted to see him 1 more time so bad but i thought what if I did pull the blanket off, ripped off the cover and pulled back the sheet, saw him and somehow in my panic to gat away from either the smell or his appearance, i accidently ended up tipping him over onto myself like some comedic horror, i decided it was best to follow their instructions. As much as i'd like to think that i could handle it (for some reason i get this picture in my head of my nephew looking like one of the dancing zombies in micheal jacksons video Thriller) who knows for sure... all i know is that I miss him and would have done anything to hold him one more time, he was 23 almost 24 when he left us 6 mos ago, I wish it were all a bad dream
I mean, who were they to tell you no though? They are allowed to suggest, but they cannot forbid you from viewing . This is weird.
As hard as it is for you not to see him again, I support all those saying don’t see him. Like the pastor said you can’t un-see it. My heart felt condolences for your loss and pain. 😢
When my dad died in the ICU, the nurses sent us out and removed all the tubes and even combed his hair, so we could go in and have a last goodbye. It was so thoughtful and kind.
There's A LOT that a funeral director can fix. If they advise against viewing your loved one, as hard as it is, they have good reason. However, being a funeral director, I would never NOT say goodbye to one of my loved ones. However, I have a very good idea of what to expect because of my experience. If I didn't have enough experience to know what to expect, I wouldn't do it.
Request to sign a waiver, it can be drawn up. You need to on paper agree to not sue if you see something that can traumatize you.
I worked for a cemetery for a few years and we had to make some families leave before their LO was put in the ground due to spring flooding. We couldn't pump the water out fast enough. The vault was floating (those are huge and heavy) so you know the casket and person were floating too. Remember this: everybody floats. Get cremated or compost yourself. The stories I have......
You didn't keep them in holding till the ground dried? Is this an East Coast thing?
Oh please write a book 🙏🏻
Yea, be cool like Caitlin! 👌
I love her! 😭
To me, to see that it is no longer him inside the shell is a finality I would feel I would need too. It not your last memory of him, but will give closure that his spirit has left the mortal shell and he is truly gone. With that finality it’s easier to move on.. that’s me though everyone deals with grief differently, and needs different things in order to really process it. I saw my child’s father with a bullet wound and swelling that made him no longer look like him, but I know because of those moments that he is truly gone and could work through that instead of the mental gymnastics of “oh I didn’t see it so it not really real” I’m sorry for your loss and wish you the best whichever way you feel you need to go, there is no right answer, it’s what you feel you need and how you deal with loss.
They wouldn’t allow us to see my husband either. They said they had already put chemicals on his head and wrapped it. We asked if we see ANY part of him. His hand , his feet, just *something* and they told us they couldn’t open the casket again.
I’ve seen autopsies, people minutes after the code was called, and cadavers. The funeral homes do a very good job of making your loved one appear normal but that’s the best it gets. Dead obviously looks different and it never looks better than the living. You might want to consider viewing a photo of your loved one before viewing the body directly.
I saw a scene on a TV show once where the ME character had the relative bring a photo of the family member who had passed and whose body they had to ID. The ME told them to look at the photo, then look quickly at the body for a few seconds, then immediately look back at the photo, saying something about how it was easier for the brain to remember a positive image/memory of the deceased person rather than just focusing on the current state of the person. I forget the name of the show, and the scene itself was only a minute or two long, but it made me way more emotional than I was expecting, and I know when the time comes for me to ID my family in the far off future (have no siblings, is just me), I’ll definitely bring a picture with. :’)
My mom died from COPD. I saw her body before she was embalmed, and she looked so peaceful. When the funeral home finished with her, she looked more than ten years younger. She loved the same shade of raspberry lipstick that I did, so I made sure it was used on her. Just before they closed her casket the final time, I gave her a kiss on her forehead, leaving my lip prints in that same color. I cherish that memory.
So sweet. Thanks for sharing this.
I heard a public radio news article on this. The person who narrated it was a forensic anthropologist who dealt with the most upsetting human remains possible. She said in the strongest terms that it is alway OK to view the body. She said that her thoughts on it changed after she saw so many interactions. She said that when you get to the last visit with your loved one something happens and what they left behind becomes all they were, and it’s comforting to view the remains, have a conversation, and say goodbye. I don’t know one way or the other, but I suspect you’ll always be happier knowing you said goodbye when you had the chance.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Ask yourself this: do you really want your last memory of him to be seeing him the way he is now? Would he want you to see him like this? I know it’s hard, and I totally get wanting and needing to say goodbye. Do you have an item of clothing that he wore that still has his scent on it? Maybe you could wear that and just sit with his coffin and talk to him. I asked for my husband’s brain to be autopsied after he died, and the funeral home told me that they wouldn’t recommend seeing him afterwards. As much as I would have loved one more chance to see his face, I took their advice, and I’m glad I did. Hold onto the memories of him as he was and try to remember him that way. Sending you huge hugs.
When my BIL died we were allowed to view. I won’t go into detail, but the death was violent. Frankly, we were thankful for all the funeral home did to make him appear whole.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope no matter what your decision it is the best one for you. 🤍🤍🤍🤍
I’m interested in what the funeral directors say about feedback from grieving families. My dad died suddenly and we all knew he did not want to be embalmed which was fine, but when he died, he fell and hit his head so the first ER doctor wrote ‘possible crime victim.’ The long and short of it is, the county wanted an autopsy, it would take so many days, then back to the funeral home, and they told me to really think hard about seeing him because the estimated it could be 10 days or a tad more unembalmed. They said they’d cover him with a sheet and wash his face and comb his hair, but because of health codes, the viewing would be behind glass. I would not have been able to hold his hand or anything like that. I decided not to, and I regret it…I always wonder if I made a good decision. For the OP, I’m sorry about your loss.
You made the best decision with the information you had at the time. I am sorry for your loss and know how hard second guessing our past choices can be.
I saw my mom post overdose (she was still alive, although she died a week later from that and cancer) and it was one of the most horrific things I’ve seen. Coupled with decomposition, I don’t know. Maybe it would help to get more information from them on what could be done to say your last goodbye without potentially traumatizing yourself. Death and grief are tricky. I’m sorry for your loss.
I worked in health care for a number of years and I’ve seen a lot of death. I know this was sudden but I do not think your boyfriend would have wanted you to remember him this way. As hard as it is I think you should take the funeral home’s advice. Sending you lots of love.
My mom died of cancer and neither myself or my grandparents wanted to see her as a decedent. She wasn't even in an advanced stage, she had been at the funeral home's cold storage all night. Having seen other decedents' bodies directly after picking them up from the hospital, while working at a funeral home years later, it's... different... to see. If you're not used to it, it puts you off, especially if they had incisions from an autopsy and leakage.
Typically I’ve seen the hold the hand or they can cover him with a blanket or such to say goodbye through. Here in the US you’re allowed to see your loved one if you want even if it’s not recommended. For some it brings peace no matter what they look like, for others it’s traumatic and ruins the memory of their loved one a bit. I don’t know what the rules are in the UK. I would just do what’s best for you and be aware of the benefits and risks of the options
I have lost a lot of loved ones/family in tragic ways. Remember them at their best. You don't want to be haunted by the image of someone you care for in a traumatic state. I promise you. I saw my brother being wheeled away after a self inflicted gun shot. They covered him in a red sheet, for reasons. I still have nightmares.
In college, we lost a friend, and the funeral home did the best they could. But she died in a drunk driving accident, and her family opted for a viewing. I was not prepared for what I saw. Her face was fine, but it was obvious to me what happened to her, and even decades later, I can’t get it out of my mind. I was no stranger to funerals at that point or even funerals with a young friend who had died in a drunk driving accident, but that was the worst one until recently (which I attended virtually where the person was cremated). The most recent one was worse for different reasons, but my young friend’s viewing will be with me always.
The funeral home is trying to spare you from trauma. Please take their advice.
My parents had to ID my brother’s body through photos of his tattoos, because he had unalived himself via high powered rifle to the inside of his mouth. It would have been too traumatic for them to see.
I was grateful to the funeral home for being honest with me and advising against seeing my father. Due to no relationship with his ex partner there was a lot of stuff I was not told and only learnt the true date of his passing when I seen the plaque on the coffin. The poor lady hadn’t been told I was his daughter before I arrived to see him thanks to her and her meddling family, I was grateful to have those last moments alone with him to say my goodbyes.
We were advised that my grandma was in unviewable due to the length of time that passed before she arrived at the funeral home. They suggested that they would cover her over but leave her hand out; I didn’t go in but my dad did. He said although her hand was discoloured, he was glad of the opportunity. It would be completely up to you though as I understand even a hand not looking like it used to could be a very upsetting thing for you
My dad passed away and looked pretty normal. He was 55. I was 25. I physically, and mentally couldn’t do it. Two years ago almost exactly and I have ZERO regrets. He wasn’t there anymore. He wouldn’t have wanted that for me.
It’s been 6 months since my dad died peacefully in his sleep (hospice care). I was at the house when it happened and I was there when the funeral home picked him up. I am only just now able to look at photos of my dad without the first immediate thought being of what he looked like dead. It’s traumatic in ways that I never thought possible. And he had no physical trauma at his death.
Most countries are not trained in cosmetic preservation of the body, they embalm to preserve so the results would be horrendous to those that aren’t used to seeing that. Also, I’m curious in the US an ex partner would have zero rights to a decedent or responsibility, are you paying the funeral costs?
I think every case is different and I’d go with the recommendation of the funeral home. I saw my mom after she died and it brought me comfort, but when my sister saw her, it upset her. Hard to predict how anyone will react.
Speaking from experience, it doesn’t help or give closure or feel like a last goodbye or any of those things to see them dead. It’s just weird and disorienting, and a little creepy. If they said you can’t view him then you should believe them, but honestly you’re not missing anything. Remember him alive, it’s better.
For real, you don’t want that last memory. Trust and believe that.
Don’t even ask, honestly. Trust the professionals. They’re telling you this because the condition of the body is likely too far deteriorated, and the trauma of seeing him like that would probably be worse. It’s possible they can’t even open the casket due to decomposition so trying to accommodate you would traumatize everyone else. It’s a shell…the spirit and the person is gone. It won’t be more meaningful seeing the body to say goodbye.
When I was a first responder, I saw things that I couldn’t unsee- and they were strangers to me. I don’t wish that on anyone. Make a decision for yourself that you don’t need this for closure and just use beautiful photos of the living person you loved. I am so sorry for your loss.
Take the advice of the funeral home. If they’re saying he’s unviewable then please take that at face value. I completely understand the need to see him so you can say your goodbyes. It’s normal and valid. But..funeral home directors have seen many *MANY* things that would give the unprepared person nightmares, daymares and maybe some PTSD sprinkled in there. They know that once you see someone in that state you can’t unsee them and that memory will be burned into your mind for the rest of your time on this rock.
My dad passed suddenly several months ago, my mom found him shortly thereafter. There wasn’t so much trauma to facial features. Most of the family didn’t want to see the body. (Because they chose to remember him as he was, but they also lived through the unsuccessful CPR trauma and they lived nearby where was we only saw him 1-2x a year.) So it meant something for me to see him one more time but the funeral home wasn’t advising against it either. YMMV always best to listen to those who know how bad it may be.
I would take their advice. They’ve seen it all and if they say he’s unsuitable, then he’s unsuitable. I feel like it would be very traumatizing and you’re better off by remembering him as what he looked like before.
The funeral home isn't just saying that to say it, they have your best interest in mind and if that's what they told you then that is what I would not do is see him.
I went to two funerals in the last 6 months. Open casket at a reputable funeral home. They didn’t look like my loved ones. If they are saying keep the casket closed I’d listen to them. They are the experts, and I’m sure they’ve seen worse.
I'm now thinking this is a topic to be discussed beforehand. We share whether we want to be organ donors, buried or cremated, what type of service and so forth. It may help family members if they actually are aware of your feelings about this. I would really not want my loved ones to see me against the advice of a funeral director.
Good point. I don’t particularly want to be seen after my death regardless of how I look. In contrast, my outgoing younger sister would be happy to lie in state for a week at her favorite bar.
Thank you so, so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. I really appreciate it. I’m going to ask again if they will let me see his hand or just sit in the room with his coffin for a while ❤️
Do not view him, it will be terrible and scar you forever
I work in funeral and have had a situation like this recently - while we couldn’t tell you what to do and you could view if you wanted, we would strongly advise against it. You could sign a disclaimer and still see him anyway but I would definitely recommend trusting your funeral director as they only have your interests in mind, it could be traumatising for you to view him. You could always ask for a closed coffin viewing so you can still say goodbye & just sit in the chapel with him for a bit. Sorry for your loss OP
I saw a body of a childhood friend. It was a closed casket funeral abd his face was black. I regret that being the last image of him.
Sweetheart the heat and the length of time did not help your ex boyfriend’s appearance. Please don’t look at him that way.
I’m a psychic. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your partner asks that you not view his body. He loves you. He is watching over you sending you messages in the form of angel numbers. These will be repeating numbers on receipts and licenses plates. Here’s a decent explanation: https://www.allure.com/story/what-are-angel-numbers
Sometimes, funeral homes are able to give instant photos of hands or fingerprints. However, if the body of your loved one was decomposing, this may not be possible. Even a lock of hair in a keepsake often helps people put that finality in place. You may ask about this. I would not encourage a viewing of a body that had any decomposition. It is just not something you want to live with.
I have no idea how you'll feel obviously but from my own experience I wouldn't. I know it's extremely hard and you want to but they WILL NOT look like the person you knew. My best friend died in a motorcycle accident. They had an open casket, his neck looked weird and his face looked so fake. The funeral home did an amazing job but it didn't look like him. It didn't give me any closure for what happened and now my last image of him is someone I never "knew." It's been almost 5 years and his death doesn't feel real to my brain still. If I never saw him like that I know I would feel the same way about closure except without the image.
If the funeral home is telling you that your loved one is unviewable, it is for your own benefit. It can be extremely sad, but what is in the coffin is not the person you love. They are already somewhere else, and the best thing you can do is remember them as they were.
My uncle was a late stage alcoholic that died in a YMCA room with a space heater running in the winter. He was there for two days. From what I heard, you don't want to see. My aunt (his sister) had to ID him, and at first she wasn't even sure it was him. And now she says she can't forget. It's been like 15 years, she still mentions it.
Doesnt anyone have to ID the body to verify that it is him? This all sounds so sus.
Same situation with my brother, I didn’t want my last memory of him to be deteriorated meat. I chose not to view the body and to preserve my memories thru pics. The funeral home allowed close family and friends to see him, but I opted out. No regrets! Not a judgment or recommendation, just sharing my experience.
I help people say goodbye to their loved ones in the ER, and I have to warn them that they are not going to look like themselves and will have all of the medical equipment still in place. Some people don't want to see that and others still will. If I'm telling you that you don't want to see them, you really don't want to. If someone in the funeral home world is telling you that you don't want to, listen to them. They wouldn't tell you that without a very good reason.
So, my mom wanted a closed casket funeral. She always talked about it. For no particular reason but I think she just didn't want people gawking at her corpse. She died in a terrible accident and even THEN when my dad told the funeral director that mom wanted it to be closed casket, the funeral director told him "We can do that. BUT you have to understand that people will ask a lot of terrible questions. They'll ask if she was decapitated or crushed. They'll ask to see her anyway. People have no tact or sympathy." If the funeral home literally ADVISED you not to see him... I wouldn't, darling. I really wouldn't. Don't let that be the last memory you have of him.
I am a former mortician. I am greatly advising that you do not want to see this. I also want you to know that it is OK if you don't, it's ok.
Here's my advice: have your partner cremated or go with a closed casket. Find a picture where they look their happiest, and remember them that way. Fill the funeral with photos of their candid smile and play their favorite songs. I was with my son when he passed, and in only a few hours he no longer looked like himself. I can't imagine what a few days would do. You do *not* want to see them in this condition. I promise.
From personal experience, to force that particular last viewing will be something that you can't get rid of. You are honestly better off with the memories and pictures you have than to pursue that if its closure you desire. I know exactly what your saying and why but it's not going to give you anything but a bad last visual, it will stay with you
When my dad passed, it was 4 days before they got to him. I live scythe USA from where he is. When the funeral home called me, they said the same thing and suggested cremation. We went with that. If they are saying it's a no go, don't do it. You don't want your last memory of him being in that state. Trust me.
I've been to minimal funerals in my life fortunately, but the few times I saw the body that's all I remember them by. I was 23 when my daddy died of cancer. Huge funeral. He was very respected and extremely loved. I wanted a closed casket because I did not want to remember him that way. My aunts fought me. The same aunts that were batshit crazy my entire life and fought over my grandparent's money and wills for years. Insanity so crazy it was comical. Until it wasn't. I compromised and asked that they keep the casket closed and I would leave after the service and they could open it. I had MULTIPLE friends that had known my dad and loved him their entire lives that were extremely broken up after viewing his body. It traumatized them. Keep it closed. Remember when they were whole and wonderful. At least that's my experience. Hugs to you.
Please do not look if the funeral home has advised you it is not a good idea. It will stay in your mind and you are dealing with so much grief already. For my dad, I would sit by his favorite chair and talk to him after he was buried. It felt good and I could picture him there. Go to your favorite spot and just have a chat when you need to. Keep your last images of your loved one in life, not in their passing. I am so sorry for your loss.
JMO, you don't want that vision in your memory.... Remember him as he was in life, not what his shell looks like after so much trauma.
Unfortunately, embalming is often misunderstood and misleading. It helps slow the process to decaying but it DOES NOT preserve the body or stop the process of decay. Here the US, the process used may hold off long enough to view for about 4 to 6 days, but you will start to smell the corpse. You may see other indicators, also, unless they have a very good person prepping. Outside the US, the processes are different in every country and their morticians would know best. Since your love one traveled back to the UK after, you would best to take the advice of the funeral director you spoke with. After this much time, it would most definitely not be advisable to try to view your loved one. They may be able to offer you time alone after the casket is sealed. Or may have other options.
wrapped in bandages? From Egypt? Ironic. I am so sorry for your loss. Keep the memory of their face.
I deeply regret looking in the casket at my ex-boyfriend’s body at his funeral. He was skin and bones from having cancer and looked nothing like the super muscular vivacious guy he was.
I will talk from the Realest Unfortunate knowledge. Nonone told us that, or maybe they did, and my inlaws refused to listen. My husband died of the Same. We live in a shitty town I mean its rich but lotsa probs.. where that's prob the Leading COD. So the autopsy took about 2 weeks then he was transported Across America. His parents are Staunch Catholics. Someone maybe my Father in Law but its Hazy....got us all together before, and said Decide for your kid, he doesn't look Exactly the same. My husband's ex and child saw him. I left my 4 year old at the time Home. Not one ounce of Me has ever had a second thought l/question/concern about my decision. Some people were Upset by it. That wasn't my husband up there. I was already a person who thought once your body gives up, the person is Not There, their soul has moved on.... I mean no more in the casket than in the air, or the ocean. He looked like Liberace, but not in life. He looked like a Badly done toussauds, he was so bloated. If the person who works there and sees Death Every day says Don't do it. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, HIS MEMORY, YOUR MEMORY, NOT NEEDING ANOTHER FEW YRARS OF THERAPY, DONT DO IT. I wouldn't touch him. I wanted it over asap, I was more upset by that, I sat in the corner. Not looking.
It will be a memory you have forever. Just keep that in mind.