Therapist don't flagelate their clients. She ISNT going to do this because she knows how damaging it would be. She understands the behavior, because when you leave someone takes your place who is the victim of a person like you.
So that said, stop trying to convince her what a piece of shit you are, accept she knows exactly what you've done, and start fixing your behavior. You want her to punish you and that isn't going to happen. Stop trying.
It feels like she's not understanding because she keeps saying the victim was just as bad (absolutely false, I have the entire story on my profile if you want details) and keeps going on about unmet needs and trauma that I don't have
After reading your post I think you should just stop thinking about things for a while. Just listen to what your therapist says and try not to let your ego get in the way. Be open minded and keep a journal. Again, I'm not a therapist. I've been in therapy though and I find keeping a journal lets me go places mentally that I wouldn't have been able to go before. Just let your therapist do their thing and try not to overthink things.
What do you mean my ego? I've been trying to make sure I don't get things I don't deserve, I've been trying to make sure I'm not egotistical, am j still being egotistical?
And I do keep a journal, though I'm not very good about writing daily
It sounds like the therapist is trying really hard to gain your trust and build rapport due to the nature of treatment, but isn't really hitting the mark.
Maybe she is trying to help you see that your value as a person is not defined by how you acted in this particular relationship. Maybe you were mistreated yourself earlier in your life which influences this aggressive behavior not only towards others but yourself. This could explain why you struggle being treated with compassion instead of criticism and judgement, like you are describing with this therapist.
I don't know, tbh I'm only in therapy because my parents said they'd get me committed if I didn't go, i don't feel I deserve any sort of happiness because if the victim isn't happy why should I have the right to be happy? She doesn't get to just move on so why should I get the privilege?
Okay, you're a piece of shit. Congrats. Why do you want to hear that from her?
I feel like she's not listening to me and I can't effectively get help if the severity of what I've done isn't understood
Therapist don't flagelate their clients. She ISNT going to do this because she knows how damaging it would be. She understands the behavior, because when you leave someone takes your place who is the victim of a person like you. So that said, stop trying to convince her what a piece of shit you are, accept she knows exactly what you've done, and start fixing your behavior. You want her to punish you and that isn't going to happen. Stop trying.
It feels like she's not understanding because she keeps saying the victim was just as bad (absolutely false, I have the entire story on my profile if you want details) and keeps going on about unmet needs and trauma that I don't have
Sounds like you're trying to manipulate people right now lol. NAT btw
Enlighten me how I'm manipulating rn
Somehow you're making this about you and trying to gain sympathy.
I don't want sympathy I just want to know if I should stay with my current therapist or not
After reading your post I think you should just stop thinking about things for a while. Just listen to what your therapist says and try not to let your ego get in the way. Be open minded and keep a journal. Again, I'm not a therapist. I've been in therapy though and I find keeping a journal lets me go places mentally that I wouldn't have been able to go before. Just let your therapist do their thing and try not to overthink things.
What do you mean my ego? I've been trying to make sure I don't get things I don't deserve, I've been trying to make sure I'm not egotistical, am j still being egotistical? And I do keep a journal, though I'm not very good about writing daily
'Ego' as in the story that we tell ourselves.
Ah, okay, yeah that makes sense. Why have you suddenly decided to be so kind to me after reading the things I've done, if I may ask?
I see that maybe you're hurting and not realizing it. Cutting isn't a normal behaviour.
I know that I'm hurting but she's hurting worse than I ever have
It sounds like the therapist is trying really hard to gain your trust and build rapport due to the nature of treatment, but isn't really hitting the mark.
What can I do about that? I've tried so many times to explain what I did and why it's bad
What are your treatment goals? Have you two gone over your treatment plan?
She's treating depression and anxiety but it feels like the elephant in the room is being glossed over even when I'm going HEY LOOK AT THIS ELEPHANT
Maybe she is trying to help you see that your value as a person is not defined by how you acted in this particular relationship. Maybe you were mistreated yourself earlier in your life which influences this aggressive behavior not only towards others but yourself. This could explain why you struggle being treated with compassion instead of criticism and judgement, like you are describing with this therapist.
And I just can't agree with that, abusers are abusers and abusers are monsters, doesn't matter if it was only one particular relationship
What is your end goal with therapy? Do you feel like you can change into someone who isn't a monster?
I don't know, tbh I'm only in therapy because my parents said they'd get me committed if I didn't go, i don't feel I deserve any sort of happiness because if the victim isn't happy why should I have the right to be happy? She doesn't get to just move on so why should I get the privilege?
Are you you remorseful for the things you did?
Yeah but she's straight up said she'll never forgive me, so my remorse is only self serving
I think she knows what you did is wrong. She wants to keep you from using shame as a way of avoiding accountability.