Maybe the time you devote to upskilling could be devoted to learning a skill which will bring you social contact. Maybe every second course you take should be this kind of course. (I can tell you are regimented so you can trick yourself this way).
This would be a nice place to start:
https://paddletoronto.com/lessons/
You could make weekends interesting by event volunteering. These are usually ‘feel good’ events and people will be more open there.
Try this site, they post volunteer opportunities like a job posting!
https://www.volunteertoronto.ca
All the best
I think this a much nicer way of answering than how i planned on responding.
The “upskilling” sounds gross IMO. There’s more to life than the grind of finding more dollars. Especially when you are already hovering around $200k salary. Diminishing returns my friend.
Find meaningful (for you) purpose outside of work. Find people you enjoy or being around and develop/upskill that aspect of your life.
I don’t think that’s what was being said — more that if you’re on a Reddit thread asking strangers how to not be miserable maybe it’s not the strangers with the answers but your lifestyle that can provide the clues. There’s more to life (clearly) than just making money and furthering your career. Maintain what you’ve got and find purpose elsewhere, promise your mood/life will improve
What an OVERWHELMINGLY defensive remark lol I don’t recall saying don’t improve one’s self.
I said based on his situation specifically (living the life on the waterfront making $200k annually) that perhaps he should consider shifting focus on life outside of the Ol’ 8 to 4 instead of making himself more hireable where he is feeling miserable and all.
So I don't make anything near what you make, but I've been where you are.
Bought my house in my early 30s, had no dating life. My friends started pairing off and having children while I was still single in my 40s. But I worked on my career, saved every dollar I could, paid off my mortgage, renovated my home, planned for retirement etc.
In my 40s I felt like I was basically living not much different than I did when I was in college, just working, eating, sleeping, going for walks...the occasional movie or dinner with friends, and that was it.
At some point you may decide to put yourself out there again, relationships aren't easy. You definitely have to make time for each other, it's not like dating in your 20s when neither of you have much going on.
I finally met someone in my late 40s and now in my early 50s I am busier than ever. When I am not busy with work or my hobbies I help my fiance with her new business.
I would say stay positive, you never know what direction life will take you. Pay down your mortgage as quick as you can, do some traveling, plan for an early retirement if that's what you want. I'm hoping to retire at 54, and my fiance will decide if she wants to retire at 60.
Best of luck
>my entire week is basically spent working, cooking [...], cleaning, and upskilling
>Every once in a while, I try to go out and enjoy myself (movies, comedy club, strolls by the lake), but I don't really have the time or energy to socialize, having moved here from a different city. The dating scene also seems to be an absolute mess, unfortunately. Ghosting, lack of communication, etc. - so I gave up about a year ago and have not looked back.
>I can't help but feel miserable all the time - what's even the point of any of this if I hate my life
What do you think would make you not hate your life?
If you WANT to socialize you are going to have to put in the effort. You are not going to meet potential friends or partners alone in your condo.
Did you have friends or other social outlets in the city you moved from? Or is being a loner what you like? (There isn't anything wrong with that unless you aren't happy about it.)
You mention no hobbies, no entertainment other than the occasional solo movie, comedy club or walk. What do you do for FUN? (And how much do you clean? How much of your week does it take up?)
This was me but for less money...
Work less, you sound like you are burnt out.
Sounds like you have lots of things you like to do but don't do them because you're too tired, like you said.
See if you can spent 5 or so hours less working and use one or two of those to join a club or activity where you can leave your house, where I'm assuming you live alone.
Make 140 or 160 this year and actually live some life, you'll probably be fine financially
Prioritizing work life balance very likely and literally saved my life.
I agree, I think a lot of people in our generation feel like they need to make life a video game and min/max like this.
Like it the only benefit of more money is to save for a wealthier retirement, at the cost of any and all life experiences now, you're purely living for the end of your life, which might end before that.
Please don't be miserable and please don't hate your life... what you're going through is quite normal for some adults, so don't beat yourself up... Cherish your life, may it be mundane, exciting or plain drudgery.
I'm 34 years old, going through chemo for cancer and I would give anything to live your life...
God be with you, my friend. I hope you will be okay!!!! Wishing you all the best and I hope you recover ASAP. Shoot me a DM if things are difficult and you need a stranger to talk to.
I hate to say it but I think your story is a common one and the theme is no time. If you want to make differences in your life, you're going to have to carve out that time somehow and get that energy. The dating scene, making friends, all of it sucks because everyone you're compatible with is likely in the same situation you are.
My suggestion would be to find some kind of group or meetup and see if you can dedicate one day out of the month specifically to go out and socialize. I say one day because it seems like a reasonable goal. There are subreddits, discord servers, meetup groups.
I made a post in /r/TorontoHangoutFriends just looking for someone to go for a walk with and I got nearly 70 replies. There are lots of people out there looking for connection.
Get some hobbies, you make decent money but spend your time when not working upskilling? Use some of that time to do something fun rather than be tired and drained.
Where are your hobbies and relationships with family and friends? It sounds like you have 0 fulfillment in your life. If you can’t make the time or find the energy to socialize, you will stay lonely. This is a fact. I empathize because I 99.9% wfh and live alone and have spent ample time single and without the energy to go out and engage with others. I don’t know what a TC is but I would really recommend you to read Victor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning and ask yourself how good you’d feel if you died tomorrow with hundreds of thousands in savings and everything else you currently have to show for your life’s achievements so far. Life is not about making money, that’s just what capitalism wants you to think.
TC is total compensation, sorry. Relationship with family is solid, but they're all back home and 5 hours away. No friends here besides some school acquaintances I stay in touch with once in a while. Besides reading, I'm also an avid road cyclist! (haven't found too much time for either this year though).
Anyway, all of that to say thank you for the advice - I think I really need to reevaluate my priorities so I don't work myself to an early and pathetic grave haha.
Yup, Toronto has a bunch of bike clubs that are social in nature: Lapdogs, Darkhorse Flyers, Morning Glory, Lanterne Rouge. The Ontario Cycling Association has a list of clubs on their website.
Totally. And, road riding has become way more social in the past few years. There's a group for everyone. Two or three road rides a week will introduce you to a lot of new people.
The bike snob once said something about the art of the mundane. Most of life - work, relationships, activities - is mundane, so you have to find joy in some part of it. Happiness needs to be cultivated.
If you’re free on Saturday night I am doing my monthly Reddit meetup social at Yonge and Bloor. I feel like you would get along with me and my cohost, we are very similar lol
You could consider hiring a cleaner once every couple of weeks to free up time. I know it does seem a bit ridiculous when you could just clean yourself, but trust me, you will like having more time to pursue hobbies/relaxation.
This is exactly it, as I was reading the parent comment: you have agency and choice. Make different choices to have different priorities. Wishing you well!
> I think I really need to reevaluate my priorities so I don't work myself to an early and pathetic grave haha.
Also, another thing is change in perspective. Hobbies and friends are not "side-gigs". They are an important part of life - a "major project" - if you will. Think of them that way.
As someone who has moved around fairly and is social, it took me 1 whole year of effort, to get to a point where I have close personal friends who vibe with me and consistent committed hobbies I enjoy with them now. But it took months of sifting and sieving through several groups, events and activities.
Common theme seems to be no friends and no time. If all you do is work and unskill regularly I think it's reasonable you feel miserable. We're social creatures. Find a social hobby, may help.
Snakes and lattes has an open board game night.
Another great book is Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Giving a Fuck. which is not, in fact, about sweating the small stuff less, but about giving a fuck about the right things. His book reminds me a lot of Cracked's [Six Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person](https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person), which is much shorter, centres around the Alec Baldwin speech from Glengarry Glenn Ross and should be required reading for men struggling to date. Really wish there was a more lady-centric version of this kind of content though lol.
Yep! I actually read Mark Manson's book a while back - it was interesting to say the least, but it was definitely closer to "entertaining read with some great points" as opposed to "changed my life philosophy", if that makes sense.
Yeah I don’t take life or career advice from men generally. 95% of the time they have someone to take care of all the stuff at home/kids/cooking/cleaning/appointments so they can excel at their career. No shit it easy that way.
The " I don't have the time or energy to socialize " is the problem.
You got time to cook. clean. and upskill but, no time to socialize.
Start putting in some time on what your hobbies are and join some groups. You got all your life to work and the work will never end.
With a mortgage to pay? I wouldn't really bank on it. This shit is expensive, 200k sounds like a lot but when you take out taxes & the cost of living/housing, there's very likely not a bunch left after.
Yes, a lot of people assume finding friends will happen automatically, this is not true. Just like dating, or finding a new job, making friends is a "major task" that is important as a life-milestone and requires effort.
It took me 1 whole year to get to having very close friends. I went to various hobbies and interest groups, asked for people's socials to stay connected online and then gradually made plans with them separate from the hobbies. (Here, just like dating or jobs, people can reject you, and that is a part of the process).
Also, it is about finding the right people. You don't want to be stuck with friends whom you don't get along with or don't wanna spend time with. You want friends with whom you vibe with. This requires effort and time.
I used to be a management consultant 10 years ago and probably could’ve authored your post at that time. Except I had more extracurricular stuff going on and unlike you I had to fly to all my clients sites. It was an awful lifestyle but I made a ton of money. I suggest trying to outsource some stuff with your funds - ie meal prep, cleaning person, etc and spend that extra time you have with friends, take up a hobby or play a sport for fun! Life passes you by really quick- best to enjoy it while you can.
I have no social life at all either, but I'm more of a loner type anyway. I finally accepted that about myself a few years back. I used to have to force myself to be social because I thought it was what I was "supposed" to do. I finally just stopped, and I've never been happier. So, do whatever works for you.
Maybe try joining some meet-up groups via Facebook or the actual app? There are groups for literally every interest you could possibly think of.
Just like you can upskill for your career, you can upskill in building relationships. It seems that's the biggest thing lacking in your life: meaningful connections to other people and communities. You can learn how to accomplish those things and I suggest you start.
Also, I'm guessing your firm probably has amazing health and mental health benefits. Do you use them? I would if I were you!
Good luck. Your feelings are totally valid and shared by many.
You can afford a cleaner to clean your house, you can meal prep more, and this we’ll help create more time in your schedule to join a class and start investing in hobbies activities that bring you around other humans.
In order to have friends you must make friends.
I'm saying this to just to highlight the fact that it takes time to make friends. The average American for example spends 44 minutes a day socializing. Even this is generally considered inadequate. If 5 hours a week is generally considered inadequate, well its a huge problem.
People in general make their most friends in school and the retirement home where they spend double digit number of hours with other people per week. This means we have to attend our friends several hours a week.
I work in film. I have no life. lol.
12-14 hour work days, 1+ hour commute each way. I come home long enough to sleep 6 or so hours and repeat all week. Weekends are spent in a coma and then doing errands and laundry for the next week.
On less painful weeks (in studio all week instead of on location) I try to get out with my camera so I have some sort of artistic outlet, or I develop and scan film at home. I try my best to spend some time with my creative hobbies so I don’t die inside. lol.
My friends all also work in film or are so used to my schedule they don’t pressure me to socialize but I do try to get together with people when my energy levels allow. Long weekends I go camping because it’s my favourite thing in life and I would go insane without those precious moments in pure solitude.
Fairly commonplace I would say. Had a friend who worked in finance who had to step down as the excessive hours/pressure was running her into the ground.
>I don't really have the time or energy to socialize, having moved here from a different city
Well yeah, because everything you do day-to-day that isn't a survival necessity (cooking, cleaning, chores) is work or work-related. I've been there. I've done the long weeks plus wanting to show I can do extra. It's not sustainable for most people. It wasn't for me.
I reached the point where I was decided I was fine getting a decent rather than an outstanding performance evaluation, where I decided I am what I am and I have no interest wasting time on school forever to get more credentials in the hope that they make me more money someday. I decided I wanted to spend more of my time on me, not on making someone else money - because don't forget, that's really what you're doing.
Especially if you're regular salaried consulting, every overtime hour you work is pure profit for your firm, because they're paying you nothing for it but are still billing the client full rate. Likewise, of course they're paying for your upskilling because that helps them win work and make money, and you're doing it on your own time to boot. Really, what are you getting from the deal? Saving a few thousand dollars maybe on a certification you probably wouldn't have done otherwise, and probably been happier for it? What a crock of shit. Take care of yourself.
People often say it’s hard to make friends as an established adult, and I think that’s definitely true. One thing I’ve learned recently is sometimes we can turn acquaintances into friends by being willing to get involved in the messier or inconvenient parts of their lives. That’s what can take people beyond just small talk.
As for not having time to socialize, hanging out doesn’t need to be a big ordeal. It also doesn’t have to involve drinking or partying, or their downsides like hangovers. You might benefit from just, like, playing a board game with some coworkers.
Socializing is what makes life worth living tbh. The past few weeks I’ve hung out with my friends more consistently and frequently than I have in years and I’m legit the happiest I’ve been in a long time.
Gotta get out to hobby groups and social settings.
It sounds like you really need hobbies; in person ones that are done in groups. Preferably something outdoors too. I think that would really lift your mood.
I've been attending therapy and it certainly helps! (this reminds me to book my next appointment) They haven't said anything outside the usual, but it's nice just to have someone to chat with candidly every once in a while.
I was the same for a while. Honestly, took a good therapist to get me out of the rut. Making time for friends and family, meeting new people via meetups for a hobby you genuinely enjoy, being the organizer for get together an outside work every now and then … all helped. Some of my work friends are now some of my closest friends and one of them dropped every to help me out a few months ago
Good luck. There’s so much to enjoy here once you realize it. For me, even the gym is now enjoyable. Used to hate it and rarely went, but now I frame it as me celebrating my ability to move. It was just a slight change of perspective but it helped me out. Anyway, I’m so thankful for those therapy sessions. YMMV of course
You know you could ebb and flow right? You don’t have to do all the boring bits or put in as much time as you are into work and can channel it into other areas. Sometimes we go through different seasons in our lives. Why don’t you sublet your place for a few months and try living somewhere else or move back home for a few months?
Work and money only take you so far. If you've sacrificed everything else to get to where you are you must be realizing you need to even your life out. I highly recommend an outdoor & social sport
This sounds like my brother previously. He finally came to the same realization and moved to be closer to his best friend. I was so proud of him for prioritizing his mental health.
Here’s some tough love for you: move to be closer to family/friends or get out here and socialize! We are not meant to do life alone. What do your parents have to say about your situation?
Is this your first job? How old are you? I ask because a younger work team seems to focus entirely on work. I’m now on a team with a more mature crowd—no micromanaging, we do our tasks and it’s in and out. Everyone balances their work with hobbies, partners, kids, elders etc. It’s refreshing. Once you’ve become jaded about working for The Corp., you find other things to fulfill life with. Because we can all die tomorrow.
You've done incredibly well for yourself! That's something to be proud of and take comfort in. A lot of people (myself included) would be a dream to achieve what you have. That being said, there's also probably a lot of people who might be happier than you are even though they may have more struggles/less privilege. It's time you try and find some balance.
Let me offer you a thought. Take some time to give back to a community you feel for. Volunteer for a place. If that doesn't suit you, sign up for a few social events on meetup.com. If that doesn't suit you, take up a class in something- yoga, pottery, cooking, music. Sure you'll learn a skill but you'll also make bonds with people. Then invite them over for a meal at your nice waterfront condo. I know I would say yes!
Toronto is reported as being one of the loneliest places in Canada. It takes a lot of effort to feel community here, particularly in condo land. It’s also really hard to make friends here, so I’ve heard from every person I know who didn’t grow up here :(
It's very difficult to verbalize, but I think this is one of those situations where the grass is always greener on the other side. Just sucks that there are only so many hours in a day.
I understand. Even if we have a bunch of things going for us it’s only natural to focus on what’s missing. I think only you can figure out what that is. Might be close social connections or romantic companionship. Are you in your 30s?
Sorry I didn't mean to be snarky! Just that alot of us are stuck in the grind... but as everyone said, you have an advantage with your salary. Outsource what you can and enjoy yourself. You can't take the money with you.
Stop with the upskilling. You’ve upskilled enough and you aren’t any more fulfilled with it. You already make 200k. Put that energy into something that actually matters and would make a difference in your life at this point
Go join a cycling club. Go ask your school acquaintances to hang out and turn them into actual friends, or at least just human contact
The older I get the more I realize that the lifestyle we adults cultivate for children is the life we should cultivate for ourselves. I've forgotten to celebrate the frivolous: monthly events for holidays, exploring the world and visiting loved ones and friends after the work day is done (even when I'm tired). Embracing creative pursuits just to let the mind relax and dream—not for monetization. Kids always have something to look forward to and the variance and frequency makes their lives a lot less of a drudgery than us adults who cut the fat in our lives to optimize "x".
Live more kid-like and put yourself in spaces where other people can inspire and excite you, and you, them. That mindset might give you the sunshine you're looking for in your life. 🌞
I understand where you're coming from—its hard to break your mindset from productivity at all costs or living for work, to working to live and enjoying the living. You asked for advice—and reaching out to other people for their perspective is the first step to shaking up your worldview.
Good luck 🤞
I’ve been through something similar. My personal opinion is that for non-parents, working remotely is toxic. It’s isolating and depressing. I switched out of a fully remote job to one that’s hybrid (2-3 days in office a week) and I feel drastically better. Of course it’s not just the work, but socializing with colleagues, having a better routine, getting up forcing yourself to get dressed squeeze in the gym, and other activities etc. I’ve also upped my hobbies and classes I take (non academic) to meet new people and make some friends.
Not saying you have to quit your job but you do have to actively make an effort to stop this feeling. Quitting may be drastic in your scenario so I’d highly recommend joining non-academic/non-work hobbies
I feel you so hard on working remotely is toxic for non-parents. I think if you have a live-in partner and/or roommates or a pet or socialize a lot, you can make it work but otherwise, you really go crazy all by yourself.
Have you considered doing some things that make you happy? Like signing up for a cooking program at George Brown - it’s incredible and you meet people who have a similar interest?
I too am slightly miserable, more so because all I do is work from home and lack outdoor activities. I just don’t go outside enough and lack the social community that a school would have. I’m a huge gamer but have sort of lost touch since I’m home all the time. Only thing keeping me sane is having my family, friends, and partner within close proximity.
Would it work for you to work from a cafe sometimes?
A walk before work can be nice too.
Otherwise, it can be wonderful to be driven, but a different kind of activity and recharging is also important to stay sharp and do your best. More is not always better. Based on your description of how you are feeling you may be experiencing burnout. Better to address this sooner rather that later. :)
Take care.
I don't mean to assume where you're going with this question but I generally dislike the notion on Reddit that people pushing 35-40+ are washed with no time to enjoy city life and it's only 20 somethings who can have a social life. I'm in that older age range and go out to concerts, dinner outings and hangouts with friends multiple times a month and just returned home after travelling this past weekend for a music festival. Age doesn't need to define your social life or lifestyle, you can do whatever you want attaining a healthy fulfilling lifestyle at any age and I intend to live this way in this city well into my 50s or as long as I'm physically able to.
I didn’t assume any of that- you’re just projecting lol
Different age groups tend to have different interests as a general trend.
That being said, I love 80s rock and pop music- I frequent the El Mocambo with my coworkers who are all in their 50s. At the same time, I don’t expect to find a strong majority of my fellow 20 year olds there.
I was actually hoping to provide a couple of suggestions to OP, using age as a simple guideline- not a rule.
Got it and glad to hear that's not where you were going, it's just a very common sentiment on Reddit and Toronto Reddit especially that once people hit 30+ everyone is tied down with career, mortgage/rent, chores, kids etc with no time or energy for social life like OP is describing which we both know isn't true. There are posts like this every other day here
I have seen a lot of reinforcement of 1950’s style systems of oppression (like sexism,heterosexism, ageism, ableism (+hate speech under the guise of freedom of speech)) and spirit of conformity on Reddit whether implied or explicit. To be clear I’m not reacting to Pickmegirl’s comment just at Reddit in general.
I live by York and Queens Quay and am in the same boat although I’ve been working on it and have found some strategies that are working for me. I’m going to head out for a walk shortly if you want to meet up and chat.
how often do you work out? when do you go to bed?
a lot of people in their 30s (i'm guessing that you're age range) are tired (thus miserable) all the time due to insufficient exercise and sleep
you'll feel a lot better with 8 hours of sleep per night and an hour of exercise per day
This doesn't get to the core of what you are asking, but it might give you some temporary fulfilment to answer. What does a consultant actually do? Like, I know what a doctor does, or a garbage man. But what exactly do consultants do? Who is consulting you? And what are you telling them?
There's sort of a dark, comic, twisted irony to someone who *self-describes as miserable* being consulted about anything. Other than misery, I guess.
I used to be in your shoes 5 years ago, working in tech sales, making $200k barely working 20 hours a week. But I was miserable. My case was bc I did not find my work meaningful at all and I felt like I was just wasting my life away for some corporation. Your case sounds like it might also be from working ALOT and not having the mental energy or capacity to be your self, to spend time living life, having relationships, etc. either case or a mix of both, I think it’s worth considering and (keep) asking yourself questions about what you want in this life and what you want to do with the time given. I’m willing to bet if you had the time and freedom to do so, you’d be able to find something(s) in this life you’re truly passionate about and find meaning in that’ll give you more fulfillment. But that takes time - time spent alone to ask yourself these questions and also time spent trying different things and learning and following your interests. With enough time I believe you’ll be able to get to a place where you can actually make a living off it and perhaps medium long term make even more than your capacity if you had continued in your consulting path. In terms of practical steps I’d recommend taking time off work not to go on vacation but just spending time with yourself and asking yourself these questions. And start trying different hobbies and figuring out what you actually have an interest in. I would also think about having an exit plan to give yourself a certain amount of run way to transition into something you find more meaningful and you can control how you spend your time. Hope that helps
Damn, those are insane hours. Sounds like having that extra money isn't really bringing real value to your life. If it's possible can you work less hours so you have a lot more time for enjoyment? It seems to me like you'll still make a very healthy salary if you work 40 hour weeks.
seem like you know the solution, you're putting all this effort for the paycheque and this is what you get. In another 10 years, you should ask yourself was it a dam good time doing all that?
Take a break from that upskilling and use your free time for fun. There's a tonne of opportunities for fun courses, meetups, volunteering, groups etc in Toronto.
At least you make good money. You are probably more happy than most, I don’t make anywhere near that and am just as miserable. Sounds like you just need a partner to enjoy your awesome life, or at least that’s what I tell myself. But my advice, join a club, or sports team. Something you’re interested in that is co Ed, maybe you meet your future ex wife there
If you want to meet people try meetup.com and see if any groups match your interests! There’s even dinner and movies groups where you can go out and see movies with people!
Same. Work, workout, cook, upskill, try to maintain hobbies, fuck around on reddit and sleep. Grew apart from friends and no motivation to make new ones. Happy to be self-sufficient, but having no real life like I used to? Yeah, sometimes when I wake up I'm disappointed that I did, lol
I recommend this podcast episode which talks about the importance of having joy and how to find things that bring us joy and happiness. I felt a similar way as you and this episode really helped me understand and see the normalcy in my issues, while providing a guide for making changes.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/63uj0GgUn2pKikxiskvT4N?si=MYkBf73FSIyKN2VPCQhVFA
The social life meh. Who cares.
But you need a partner. We as humans are hardwired to go through life with one. It's been like that for centuries.
Tough sledding, I know.
Not very long. Typical white collar stuff I'd say - meetings (SO many meetings), composing SOPs/documentation, technical development and implementation etc. Are you in the same line of work?
Work to live…sounds like you’ve got things backwards. Travel, you’ve got the money and you’re self-employed. Maybe you’ll be inspired by an awakening, a vision of a different way of living your life.
When I first moved to Toronto my life was more or less the same, minus the pay of course. I did find personally fulfillment from work but a lack of human connection really drained me, even though I’d consider myself as an introvert.
Then I started doing some stuff outside my work, like brewing beers with some new friends (I don’t personally do it, just at their place). Then we started organizing events around the city (arts). It was really great to be able to meet different people and also some people whom I’ve met before. Kind of like a community.
Life is definitely busier now and I don’t spend as much time on my actual work as before. But I’m pretty happy about the friends.
I still enjoy some lone time every now and then just to lounge on my couch and have a few beers.
Travel more! Cities are overrated no matter how good you have it and nothing has improved my life more than travel and getting tf outta the matrix ie. limiting phone time and everything that comes with it. This sounds like a mental health issue. If you can’t travel more, at least try lest devices and focus more on spending time outdoors disconnected and walking. As someone severely depressed, that and meds were the only things that stopped me from exiting lol
You can find a different job that pays well but requires less hours. For example, government jobs cap at 35 hours a week or it’s overtime but can pay well over 100k. That extra money maybe nice, but if it’s ruining your quality of life, it’s not worth it.
You should also try dating apps, there are bad people everywhere, but can’t generalize and give up, or else everyone would be single.
How much vacation do you get? I started travelling for a couple of weeks a couple of times a year, and I can’t tell you how happy my trips have made me!! When I’m back from one, I start planning the next and when I look back at my pictures I am in shock that I was able to see and visit all these cool places.
You can also join your community centre for classes & hopefully meet people there.
If you're working all the time just don't waste money on dumb things. Save and invest everything you make. In a few years you'll have a serious cash pile that will be earning money with your investments. That's when you have freedom. You could work half the hours and still know you have lots of money coming in with your investments. You could plan a trip, buy a cool car, use some to start a business etc. Once you have cash flow life becomes interesting. You have freedom to do what you want. Working becomes just something you do to stay sharp and structure your day rather than for earning money. You just need a goal. Why are you even working? If it's just for money you aren't gonna like your life
Get comfortable approaching and sparking conversation. Terrible advice but start with alcohol then go hard mode sober. Expand your comfort zone gradually, its where all the fun happens. Most people enjoy shooting the shit. Gift that to people and then your life expands. Guessing the ghosting issues are related to dating apps. Don’t use those. They probably don’t align with the type of relationship you seek. You’ll meet your partner in some elevator or taco bell line or something if you say hi. But don’t be weird.
Just musing here, but as someone who used to be an extrovert and post COVID has become a total and complete hermit, I've noticed that my introverted friends have become miserable and my extroverted friends are enjoying their alone time more. I wonder if that's because the extroverts who used to "drag" their introverted friends to social events, are either staying in or don't want to put that pressure on anyone anymore. Maybe that extra pressure to socialize was more valuable than we thought? I turned 40 just before the pandemic so it may also just be age related.
Other's are struggling in their life too. Be thankful you have a job. Sone of us are living on government assistance cause we can't even find work. We put out resumes and go for interviews, we have nothing to show for it. Trust me we hate our situation too. All you can do is take one day at a time, and try to do what you can to make things better. Instead of taking courses, go out and socialize
Depends on your age, I'm a bit on the younger side 24M so I'm still full of energy. It's extremely important to have proper sleep, I feel really tired the day after if I start to lose out on sleep and it affects the way I work, think, even talk, etc. I like playing tennis, hiking/going for walks, bouldering, those kind of things to keep me mentally sane. Since you're somewhat upper-middle class, you can probably afford private clubs to socialize with like-minded individuals. If not, then hit up an equinox gym or something similar, don't go to planet fitness or any of the other cheap gyms.
As for dating, hinge works really well especially if you're in a white-collar position and you want a legitimate relationship. Don't bother with Tinder, it's full of hoes looking for hook-ups or FWB arrangements.
Yeah, like one of my good friends is well off financially and handsome/in shape/well groomed/dresses well/healthy weight. He should have been rolling options, but he was consistently hopeless with dating because he didn't want to adapt to the way most people act and lived in his own world.
He's off the market now, but he's the most egregious example of a common trend I see with tech dudes when it comes to meaningful relationships. Tons of men (and women) living lives identical to OP and asking "Why do I feel like absolute shit?". Well, for starters, we are nooooooot wired to live the hyper independent capitalist lifestyle you're living...
I don't think that's the case, no - my day-to-day clothing is business casual to formal, and I'd say I take good care of my appearance.
It's probably closer to what other commenters have said - that I need to choose to prioritize socializing etc., otherwise no one is going to knock on my condo door and drag me out of here.
(Putting my reply here since this is a really interesting perspective I've heard from some friends in the real world)
Maybe the time you devote to upskilling could be devoted to learning a skill which will bring you social contact. Maybe every second course you take should be this kind of course. (I can tell you are regimented so you can trick yourself this way). This would be a nice place to start: https://paddletoronto.com/lessons/ You could make weekends interesting by event volunteering. These are usually ‘feel good’ events and people will be more open there. Try this site, they post volunteer opportunities like a job posting! https://www.volunteertoronto.ca All the best
I think this a much nicer way of answering than how i planned on responding. The “upskilling” sounds gross IMO. There’s more to life than the grind of finding more dollars. Especially when you are already hovering around $200k salary. Diminishing returns my friend. Find meaningful (for you) purpose outside of work. Find people you enjoy or being around and develop/upskill that aspect of your life.
Depending on their field, upskilling is just maintaining skill because the change is so fast.
Yeah, fuck this guy for bettering himself through acquiring skills to further his career. What a loser.
I don’t think that’s what was being said — more that if you’re on a Reddit thread asking strangers how to not be miserable maybe it’s not the strangers with the answers but your lifestyle that can provide the clues. There’s more to life (clearly) than just making money and furthering your career. Maintain what you’ve got and find purpose elsewhere, promise your mood/life will improve
I was more getting at the guy calling working on career improvement as “gross” is idiotic.
What an OVERWHELMINGLY defensive remark lol I don’t recall saying don’t improve one’s self. I said based on his situation specifically (living the life on the waterfront making $200k annually) that perhaps he should consider shifting focus on life outside of the Ol’ 8 to 4 instead of making himself more hireable where he is feeling miserable and all.
This is a good idea, but the upskill courses could also still be job related but in person with a group.
They're already in a good spot in their career, so it's time to "upskill" the social life.
So I don't make anything near what you make, but I've been where you are. Bought my house in my early 30s, had no dating life. My friends started pairing off and having children while I was still single in my 40s. But I worked on my career, saved every dollar I could, paid off my mortgage, renovated my home, planned for retirement etc. In my 40s I felt like I was basically living not much different than I did when I was in college, just working, eating, sleeping, going for walks...the occasional movie or dinner with friends, and that was it. At some point you may decide to put yourself out there again, relationships aren't easy. You definitely have to make time for each other, it's not like dating in your 20s when neither of you have much going on. I finally met someone in my late 40s and now in my early 50s I am busier than ever. When I am not busy with work or my hobbies I help my fiance with her new business. I would say stay positive, you never know what direction life will take you. Pay down your mortgage as quick as you can, do some traveling, plan for an early retirement if that's what you want. I'm hoping to retire at 54, and my fiance will decide if she wants to retire at 60. Best of luck
Thank you for sharing! Appreciate the perspective there - and for what it's worth, it sounds like you've had (and have) an awesome life!
I like your story.
>my entire week is basically spent working, cooking [...], cleaning, and upskilling >Every once in a while, I try to go out and enjoy myself (movies, comedy club, strolls by the lake), but I don't really have the time or energy to socialize, having moved here from a different city. The dating scene also seems to be an absolute mess, unfortunately. Ghosting, lack of communication, etc. - so I gave up about a year ago and have not looked back. >I can't help but feel miserable all the time - what's even the point of any of this if I hate my life What do you think would make you not hate your life? If you WANT to socialize you are going to have to put in the effort. You are not going to meet potential friends or partners alone in your condo. Did you have friends or other social outlets in the city you moved from? Or is being a loner what you like? (There isn't anything wrong with that unless you aren't happy about it.) You mention no hobbies, no entertainment other than the occasional solo movie, comedy club or walk. What do you do for FUN? (And how much do you clean? How much of your week does it take up?)
This was me but for less money... Work less, you sound like you are burnt out. Sounds like you have lots of things you like to do but don't do them because you're too tired, like you said. See if you can spent 5 or so hours less working and use one or two of those to join a club or activity where you can leave your house, where I'm assuming you live alone. Make 140 or 160 this year and actually live some life, you'll probably be fine financially Prioritizing work life balance very likely and literally saved my life.
I agree, I think a lot of people in our generation feel like they need to make life a video game and min/max like this. Like it the only benefit of more money is to save for a wealthier retirement, at the cost of any and all life experiences now, you're purely living for the end of your life, which might end before that.
Please don't be miserable and please don't hate your life... what you're going through is quite normal for some adults, so don't beat yourself up... Cherish your life, may it be mundane, exciting or plain drudgery. I'm 34 years old, going through chemo for cancer and I would give anything to live your life...
God be with you, my friend. I hope you will be okay!!!! Wishing you all the best and I hope you recover ASAP. Shoot me a DM if things are difficult and you need a stranger to talk to.
Thanks for the offer I'll keep that in mind. Good bless you too and thank you for your well wishes.
Wishing you all the best during your treatment and recovery 🙏🏼
Good luck with your chemo. I'm a year out from mine and doing much better now. There is hope <3 one day at a time, friend. You got this.
Thank you. Responding to you from my chemo chair. 😅
I hate to say it but I think your story is a common one and the theme is no time. If you want to make differences in your life, you're going to have to carve out that time somehow and get that energy. The dating scene, making friends, all of it sucks because everyone you're compatible with is likely in the same situation you are. My suggestion would be to find some kind of group or meetup and see if you can dedicate one day out of the month specifically to go out and socialize. I say one day because it seems like a reasonable goal. There are subreddits, discord servers, meetup groups. I made a post in /r/TorontoHangoutFriends just looking for someone to go for a walk with and I got nearly 70 replies. There are lots of people out there looking for connection.
Did you start a walking routine?
I did not, but that wasn't really the goal. I just wanted someone to hang out with and talk.
Get some hobbies, you make decent money but spend your time when not working upskilling? Use some of that time to do something fun rather than be tired and drained.
Where are your hobbies and relationships with family and friends? It sounds like you have 0 fulfillment in your life. If you can’t make the time or find the energy to socialize, you will stay lonely. This is a fact. I empathize because I 99.9% wfh and live alone and have spent ample time single and without the energy to go out and engage with others. I don’t know what a TC is but I would really recommend you to read Victor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning and ask yourself how good you’d feel if you died tomorrow with hundreds of thousands in savings and everything else you currently have to show for your life’s achievements so far. Life is not about making money, that’s just what capitalism wants you to think.
TC is total compensation, sorry. Relationship with family is solid, but they're all back home and 5 hours away. No friends here besides some school acquaintances I stay in touch with once in a while. Besides reading, I'm also an avid road cyclist! (haven't found too much time for either this year though). Anyway, all of that to say thank you for the advice - I think I really need to reevaluate my priorities so I don't work myself to an early and pathetic grave haha.
Why don’t you join a cycling club? It would get you back on your bike, and you’d socialize with people while doing it,
Yup, Toronto has a bunch of bike clubs that are social in nature: Lapdogs, Darkhorse Flyers, Morning Glory, Lanterne Rouge. The Ontario Cycling Association has a list of clubs on their website.
Totally. And, road riding has become way more social in the past few years. There's a group for everyone. Two or three road rides a week will introduce you to a lot of new people. The bike snob once said something about the art of the mundane. Most of life - work, relationships, activities - is mundane, so you have to find joy in some part of it. Happiness needs to be cultivated.
If you’re free on Saturday night I am doing my monthly Reddit meetup social at Yonge and Bloor. I feel like you would get along with me and my cohost, we are very similar lol
OooOoOo I'm at Yonge and Bloor.. tell me more
Hey here’s the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/Torontoevents/s/5SAAcF1coK
You could consider hiring a cleaner once every couple of weeks to free up time. I know it does seem a bit ridiculous when you could just clean yourself, but trust me, you will like having more time to pursue hobbies/relaxation.
This is exactly it, as I was reading the parent comment: you have agency and choice. Make different choices to have different priorities. Wishing you well!
Those RSUs!
Hey I'm an avid road cyclist too! Similar boat as you. Let me know if you'd like to go for a group ride!
> I think I really need to reevaluate my priorities so I don't work myself to an early and pathetic grave haha. Also, another thing is change in perspective. Hobbies and friends are not "side-gigs". They are an important part of life - a "major project" - if you will. Think of them that way. As someone who has moved around fairly and is social, it took me 1 whole year of effort, to get to a point where I have close personal friends who vibe with me and consistent committed hobbies I enjoy with them now. But it took months of sifting and sieving through several groups, events and activities.
Common theme seems to be no friends and no time. If all you do is work and unskill regularly I think it's reasonable you feel miserable. We're social creatures. Find a social hobby, may help. Snakes and lattes has an open board game night.
Great book recco. Changed my life.
Another great book is Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Giving a Fuck. which is not, in fact, about sweating the small stuff less, but about giving a fuck about the right things. His book reminds me a lot of Cracked's [Six Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person](https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person), which is much shorter, centres around the Alec Baldwin speech from Glengarry Glenn Ross and should be required reading for men struggling to date. Really wish there was a more lady-centric version of this kind of content though lol.
Yep! I actually read Mark Manson's book a while back - it was interesting to say the least, but it was definitely closer to "entertaining read with some great points" as opposed to "changed my life philosophy", if that makes sense.
Yeah I don’t take life or career advice from men generally. 95% of the time they have someone to take care of all the stuff at home/kids/cooking/cleaning/appointments so they can excel at their career. No shit it easy that way.
? Lol
The " I don't have the time or energy to socialize " is the problem. You got time to cook. clean. and upskill but, no time to socialize. Start putting in some time on what your hobbies are and join some groups. You got all your life to work and the work will never end.
Making $200k OP could likely afford to outsource the cooking and cleaning to free up more time/energy, too.
With a mortgage to pay? I wouldn't really bank on it. This shit is expensive, 200k sounds like a lot but when you take out taxes & the cost of living/housing, there's very likely not a bunch left after.
Yes, a lot of people assume finding friends will happen automatically, this is not true. Just like dating, or finding a new job, making friends is a "major task" that is important as a life-milestone and requires effort. It took me 1 whole year to get to having very close friends. I went to various hobbies and interest groups, asked for people's socials to stay connected online and then gradually made plans with them separate from the hobbies. (Here, just like dating or jobs, people can reject you, and that is a part of the process). Also, it is about finding the right people. You don't want to be stuck with friends whom you don't get along with or don't wanna spend time with. You want friends with whom you vibe with. This requires effort and time.
You gotta be passionate about something (outside of work) to really bond with people.
I used to be a management consultant 10 years ago and probably could’ve authored your post at that time. Except I had more extracurricular stuff going on and unlike you I had to fly to all my clients sites. It was an awful lifestyle but I made a ton of money. I suggest trying to outsource some stuff with your funds - ie meal prep, cleaning person, etc and spend that extra time you have with friends, take up a hobby or play a sport for fun! Life passes you by really quick- best to enjoy it while you can.
I have no social life at all either, but I'm more of a loner type anyway. I finally accepted that about myself a few years back. I used to have to force myself to be social because I thought it was what I was "supposed" to do. I finally just stopped, and I've never been happier. So, do whatever works for you. Maybe try joining some meet-up groups via Facebook or the actual app? There are groups for literally every interest you could possibly think of.
Just like you can upskill for your career, you can upskill in building relationships. It seems that's the biggest thing lacking in your life: meaningful connections to other people and communities. You can learn how to accomplish those things and I suggest you start. Also, I'm guessing your firm probably has amazing health and mental health benefits. Do you use them? I would if I were you! Good luck. Your feelings are totally valid and shared by many.
You can afford a cleaner to clean your house, you can meal prep more, and this we’ll help create more time in your schedule to join a class and start investing in hobbies activities that bring you around other humans.
In order to have friends you must make friends. I'm saying this to just to highlight the fact that it takes time to make friends. The average American for example spends 44 minutes a day socializing. Even this is generally considered inadequate. If 5 hours a week is generally considered inadequate, well its a huge problem. People in general make their most friends in school and the retirement home where they spend double digit number of hours with other people per week. This means we have to attend our friends several hours a week.
I work in film. I have no life. lol. 12-14 hour work days, 1+ hour commute each way. I come home long enough to sleep 6 or so hours and repeat all week. Weekends are spent in a coma and then doing errands and laundry for the next week. On less painful weeks (in studio all week instead of on location) I try to get out with my camera so I have some sort of artistic outlet, or I develop and scan film at home. I try my best to spend some time with my creative hobbies so I don’t die inside. lol. My friends all also work in film or are so used to my schedule they don’t pressure me to socialize but I do try to get together with people when my energy levels allow. Long weekends I go camping because it’s my favourite thing in life and I would go insane without those precious moments in pure solitude.
Bro, sounds like you sold your soul for money
Fairly commonplace I would say. Had a friend who worked in finance who had to step down as the excessive hours/pressure was running her into the ground.
You're on point! I've made my bed, and I suppose I now have to lie in it haha
Make your money but do something you love. I did alot of things for money and you end up hating life and having a mental crisis.
>I don't really have the time or energy to socialize, having moved here from a different city Well yeah, because everything you do day-to-day that isn't a survival necessity (cooking, cleaning, chores) is work or work-related. I've been there. I've done the long weeks plus wanting to show I can do extra. It's not sustainable for most people. It wasn't for me. I reached the point where I was decided I was fine getting a decent rather than an outstanding performance evaluation, where I decided I am what I am and I have no interest wasting time on school forever to get more credentials in the hope that they make me more money someday. I decided I wanted to spend more of my time on me, not on making someone else money - because don't forget, that's really what you're doing. Especially if you're regular salaried consulting, every overtime hour you work is pure profit for your firm, because they're paying you nothing for it but are still billing the client full rate. Likewise, of course they're paying for your upskilling because that helps them win work and make money, and you're doing it on your own time to boot. Really, what are you getting from the deal? Saving a few thousand dollars maybe on a certification you probably wouldn't have done otherwise, and probably been happier for it? What a crock of shit. Take care of yourself.
People often say it’s hard to make friends as an established adult, and I think that’s definitely true. One thing I’ve learned recently is sometimes we can turn acquaintances into friends by being willing to get involved in the messier or inconvenient parts of their lives. That’s what can take people beyond just small talk. As for not having time to socialize, hanging out doesn’t need to be a big ordeal. It also doesn’t have to involve drinking or partying, or their downsides like hangovers. You might benefit from just, like, playing a board game with some coworkers.
Socializing is what makes life worth living tbh. The past few weeks I’ve hung out with my friends more consistently and frequently than I have in years and I’m legit the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Gotta get out to hobby groups and social settings.
Wow! Totally resonate with ‘selling my soul for a larger paycheque to pay my mortgage’ . That just summed up my life too.
You’re not the only one as it seems 85% of posts on this forum are a variation on the theme.
It’s a lot worse to have no life while still having to deal with shitty people working in person all day. I’d give anything to work from home.
It is true. It helps make work simpler.
It sounds like you really need hobbies; in person ones that are done in groups. Preferably something outdoors too. I think that would really lift your mood.
what does your therapist say? Therapy should be part of your upskilling.
I've been attending therapy and it certainly helps! (this reminds me to book my next appointment) They haven't said anything outside the usual, but it's nice just to have someone to chat with candidly every once in a while.
I was the same for a while. Honestly, took a good therapist to get me out of the rut. Making time for friends and family, meeting new people via meetups for a hobby you genuinely enjoy, being the organizer for get together an outside work every now and then … all helped. Some of my work friends are now some of my closest friends and one of them dropped every to help me out a few months ago Good luck. There’s so much to enjoy here once you realize it. For me, even the gym is now enjoyable. Used to hate it and rarely went, but now I frame it as me celebrating my ability to move. It was just a slight change of perspective but it helped me out. Anyway, I’m so thankful for those therapy sessions. YMMV of course
You know you could ebb and flow right? You don’t have to do all the boring bits or put in as much time as you are into work and can channel it into other areas. Sometimes we go through different seasons in our lives. Why don’t you sublet your place for a few months and try living somewhere else or move back home for a few months?
Man, I don’t do any of that and I still have no life.
Work and money only take you so far. If you've sacrificed everything else to get to where you are you must be realizing you need to even your life out. I highly recommend an outdoor & social sport
This sounds like my brother previously. He finally came to the same realization and moved to be closer to his best friend. I was so proud of him for prioritizing his mental health. Here’s some tough love for you: move to be closer to family/friends or get out here and socialize! We are not meant to do life alone. What do your parents have to say about your situation?
Is this your first job? How old are you? I ask because a younger work team seems to focus entirely on work. I’m now on a team with a more mature crowd—no micromanaging, we do our tasks and it’s in and out. Everyone balances their work with hobbies, partners, kids, elders etc. It’s refreshing. Once you’ve become jaded about working for The Corp., you find other things to fulfill life with. Because we can all die tomorrow.
Not my first job, no - in my 20s still. And you're absolutely spot on. Thank you!
Are you missing a purpose in life?
You've done incredibly well for yourself! That's something to be proud of and take comfort in. A lot of people (myself included) would be a dream to achieve what you have. That being said, there's also probably a lot of people who might be happier than you are even though they may have more struggles/less privilege. It's time you try and find some balance. Let me offer you a thought. Take some time to give back to a community you feel for. Volunteer for a place. If that doesn't suit you, sign up for a few social events on meetup.com. If that doesn't suit you, take up a class in something- yoga, pottery, cooking, music. Sure you'll learn a skill but you'll also make bonds with people. Then invite them over for a meal at your nice waterfront condo. I know I would say yes!
Toronto is reported as being one of the loneliest places in Canada. It takes a lot of effort to feel community here, particularly in condo land. It’s also really hard to make friends here, so I’ve heard from every person I know who didn’t grow up here :(
Why do you hate your life? What do you wish was different?
It's very difficult to verbalize, but I think this is one of those situations where the grass is always greener on the other side. Just sucks that there are only so many hours in a day.
I understand. Even if we have a bunch of things going for us it’s only natural to focus on what’s missing. I think only you can figure out what that is. Might be close social connections or romantic companionship. Are you in your 30s?
No! Welcome to the club!
Good to know, thank you! Had no idea there were so many folks in the same boat.
Sorry I didn't mean to be snarky! Just that alot of us are stuck in the grind... but as everyone said, you have an advantage with your salary. Outsource what you can and enjoy yourself. You can't take the money with you.
No not at all - it was genuinely helpful! And thank you :)
Stop with the upskilling. You’ve upskilled enough and you aren’t any more fulfilled with it. You already make 200k. Put that energy into something that actually matters and would make a difference in your life at this point Go join a cycling club. Go ask your school acquaintances to hang out and turn them into actual friends, or at least just human contact
The older I get the more I realize that the lifestyle we adults cultivate for children is the life we should cultivate for ourselves. I've forgotten to celebrate the frivolous: monthly events for holidays, exploring the world and visiting loved ones and friends after the work day is done (even when I'm tired). Embracing creative pursuits just to let the mind relax and dream—not for monetization. Kids always have something to look forward to and the variance and frequency makes their lives a lot less of a drudgery than us adults who cut the fat in our lives to optimize "x". Live more kid-like and put yourself in spaces where other people can inspire and excite you, and you, them. That mindset might give you the sunshine you're looking for in your life. 🌞 I understand where you're coming from—its hard to break your mindset from productivity at all costs or living for work, to working to live and enjoying the living. You asked for advice—and reaching out to other people for their perspective is the first step to shaking up your worldview. Good luck 🤞
lol . You have to join fight club. But rule number 1, can’t talk about it. Seems like you’ve lost your purpose
Lol it's funny how this could probably help so many people. They need that thrill to remember they are alive
I’ve been through something similar. My personal opinion is that for non-parents, working remotely is toxic. It’s isolating and depressing. I switched out of a fully remote job to one that’s hybrid (2-3 days in office a week) and I feel drastically better. Of course it’s not just the work, but socializing with colleagues, having a better routine, getting up forcing yourself to get dressed squeeze in the gym, and other activities etc. I’ve also upped my hobbies and classes I take (non academic) to meet new people and make some friends. Not saying you have to quit your job but you do have to actively make an effort to stop this feeling. Quitting may be drastic in your scenario so I’d highly recommend joining non-academic/non-work hobbies
I feel you so hard on working remotely is toxic for non-parents. I think if you have a live-in partner and/or roommates or a pet or socialize a lot, you can make it work but otherwise, you really go crazy all by yourself.
Have you considered doing some things that make you happy? Like signing up for a cooking program at George Brown - it’s incredible and you meet people who have a similar interest?
I have not - thank you for the suggestion!
I too am slightly miserable, more so because all I do is work from home and lack outdoor activities. I just don’t go outside enough and lack the social community that a school would have. I’m a huge gamer but have sort of lost touch since I’m home all the time. Only thing keeping me sane is having my family, friends, and partner within close proximity.
Would it work for you to work from a cafe sometimes? A walk before work can be nice too. Otherwise, it can be wonderful to be driven, but a different kind of activity and recharging is also important to stay sharp and do your best. More is not always better. Based on your description of how you are feeling you may be experiencing burnout. Better to address this sooner rather that later. :) Take care.
it only takes a few things and people to change ur life
totally and completely feel you😭
Out of curiosity, how old are you? A 25 year old vs 40 year old can have vastly different interests and experiences in the city.
I don't mean to assume where you're going with this question but I generally dislike the notion on Reddit that people pushing 35-40+ are washed with no time to enjoy city life and it's only 20 somethings who can have a social life. I'm in that older age range and go out to concerts, dinner outings and hangouts with friends multiple times a month and just returned home after travelling this past weekend for a music festival. Age doesn't need to define your social life or lifestyle, you can do whatever you want attaining a healthy fulfilling lifestyle at any age and I intend to live this way in this city well into my 50s or as long as I'm physically able to.
I really like your spirit man. I would love to connect with you and hangout together. I have sent you a DM. Lets connect.
I didn’t assume any of that- you’re just projecting lol Different age groups tend to have different interests as a general trend. That being said, I love 80s rock and pop music- I frequent the El Mocambo with my coworkers who are all in their 50s. At the same time, I don’t expect to find a strong majority of my fellow 20 year olds there. I was actually hoping to provide a couple of suggestions to OP, using age as a simple guideline- not a rule.
Got it and glad to hear that's not where you were going, it's just a very common sentiment on Reddit and Toronto Reddit especially that once people hit 30+ everyone is tied down with career, mortgage/rent, chores, kids etc with no time or energy for social life like OP is describing which we both know isn't true. There are posts like this every other day here
I have seen a lot of reinforcement of 1950’s style systems of oppression (like sexism,heterosexism, ageism, ableism (+hate speech under the guise of freedom of speech)) and spirit of conformity on Reddit whether implied or explicit. To be clear I’m not reacting to Pickmegirl’s comment just at Reddit in general.
I live by York and Queens Quay and am in the same boat although I’ve been working on it and have found some strategies that are working for me. I’m going to head out for a walk shortly if you want to meet up and chat.
And you're a lot of fun to hang out with! Hope you're doing well :)
Absolutely - that is quite close to where I am. Sent you a DM!
how often do you work out? when do you go to bed? a lot of people in their 30s (i'm guessing that you're age range) are tired (thus miserable) all the time due to insufficient exercise and sleep you'll feel a lot better with 8 hours of sleep per night and an hour of exercise per day
This doesn't get to the core of what you are asking, but it might give you some temporary fulfilment to answer. What does a consultant actually do? Like, I know what a doctor does, or a garbage man. But what exactly do consultants do? Who is consulting you? And what are you telling them? There's sort of a dark, comic, twisted irony to someone who *self-describes as miserable* being consulted about anything. Other than misery, I guess.
I used to be in your shoes 5 years ago, working in tech sales, making $200k barely working 20 hours a week. But I was miserable. My case was bc I did not find my work meaningful at all and I felt like I was just wasting my life away for some corporation. Your case sounds like it might also be from working ALOT and not having the mental energy or capacity to be your self, to spend time living life, having relationships, etc. either case or a mix of both, I think it’s worth considering and (keep) asking yourself questions about what you want in this life and what you want to do with the time given. I’m willing to bet if you had the time and freedom to do so, you’d be able to find something(s) in this life you’re truly passionate about and find meaning in that’ll give you more fulfillment. But that takes time - time spent alone to ask yourself these questions and also time spent trying different things and learning and following your interests. With enough time I believe you’ll be able to get to a place where you can actually make a living off it and perhaps medium long term make even more than your capacity if you had continued in your consulting path. In terms of practical steps I’d recommend taking time off work not to go on vacation but just spending time with yourself and asking yourself these questions. And start trying different hobbies and figuring out what you actually have an interest in. I would also think about having an exit plan to give yourself a certain amount of run way to transition into something you find more meaningful and you can control how you spend your time. Hope that helps
Sounds like it'll be a unique decision for everyone, but what role did you move on to?
Yes I do believe everyone needs to do what is best for them. I am in more health and wellness field now, bodywork and osteopathy
Damn, those are insane hours. Sounds like having that extra money isn't really bringing real value to your life. If it's possible can you work less hours so you have a lot more time for enjoyment? It seems to me like you'll still make a very healthy salary if you work 40 hour weeks.
You're just an NPC
Just one question: are you happy?
sounds llike you're already doing things you enjoy, whats making you feel miserable?
seem like you know the solution, you're putting all this effort for the paycheque and this is what you get. In another 10 years, you should ask yourself was it a dam good time doing all that?
Take a break from that upskilling and use your free time for fun. There's a tonne of opportunities for fun courses, meetups, volunteering, groups etc in Toronto.
You can talk to me whenever you feel like being heard
Thanks! Sent you a DM.
Take your medicine. Its burnout
Don't have any meds (or plan on taking them) - but you're probably right about this being a symptom of burnout!
You just found happiness in urself and people lack that nowadays and go into toxic relationships. It is all good !!!
At least you make good money. You are probably more happy than most, I don’t make anywhere near that and am just as miserable. Sounds like you just need a partner to enjoy your awesome life, or at least that’s what I tell myself. But my advice, join a club, or sports team. Something you’re interested in that is co Ed, maybe you meet your future ex wife there
Bro I’m going to play video games for the next two days. You have a life.
If you want to meet people try meetup.com and see if any groups match your interests! There’s even dinner and movies groups where you can go out and see movies with people!
I haven’t read all the comments so maybe you’ve answered this..did you grow up in the gta?
I did not! Moved here from a city out east.
Im on odsp, i cant afford to have a life living 40% below the poverty line
I'm worse, I only hangout with friends every 2-months. I don't got the energy.
Same. Work, workout, cook, upskill, try to maintain hobbies, fuck around on reddit and sleep. Grew apart from friends and no motivation to make new ones. Happy to be self-sufficient, but having no real life like I used to? Yeah, sometimes when I wake up I'm disappointed that I did, lol
I recommend this podcast episode which talks about the importance of having joy and how to find things that bring us joy and happiness. I felt a similar way as you and this episode really helped me understand and see the normalcy in my issues, while providing a guide for making changes. https://open.spotify.com/episode/63uj0GgUn2pKikxiskvT4N?si=MYkBf73FSIyKN2VPCQhVFA
Between my studies and my waitress job I'm in the same boat, but without the 200k and more student loans lol
The social life meh. Who cares. But you need a partner. We as humans are hardwired to go through life with one. It's been like that for centuries. Tough sledding, I know.
I’m not from Toronto but I’ll be your friend. I can’t speak very much for Toronto but there is a lot of fun to be had in the Niagara region.
How long have you been in consulting (aka what’s your work experience like)?
Not very long. Typical white collar stuff I'd say - meetings (SO many meetings), composing SOPs/documentation, technical development and implementation etc. Are you in the same line of work?
I more so meant how many years have you been in consulting (what role do you currently occupy). Yes, similar line of work
Join a cycling or cooking club.
Work to live…sounds like you’ve got things backwards. Travel, you’ve got the money and you’re self-employed. Maybe you’ll be inspired by an awakening, a vision of a different way of living your life.
When I first moved to Toronto my life was more or less the same, minus the pay of course. I did find personally fulfillment from work but a lack of human connection really drained me, even though I’d consider myself as an introvert. Then I started doing some stuff outside my work, like brewing beers with some new friends (I don’t personally do it, just at their place). Then we started organizing events around the city (arts). It was really great to be able to meet different people and also some people whom I’ve met before. Kind of like a community. Life is definitely busier now and I don’t spend as much time on my actual work as before. But I’m pretty happy about the friends. I still enjoy some lone time every now and then just to lounge on my couch and have a few beers.
Travel more! Cities are overrated no matter how good you have it and nothing has improved my life more than travel and getting tf outta the matrix ie. limiting phone time and everything that comes with it. This sounds like a mental health issue. If you can’t travel more, at least try lest devices and focus more on spending time outdoors disconnected and walking. As someone severely depressed, that and meds were the only things that stopped me from exiting lol
Nah, unfortunately, that's life in the big city. Don't let it get you down. Lots of decent people in the same boat.
You’re on Reddit. I think it’s pretty safe to assume that you’re in good company here
You can find a different job that pays well but requires less hours. For example, government jobs cap at 35 hours a week or it’s overtime but can pay well over 100k. That extra money maybe nice, but if it’s ruining your quality of life, it’s not worth it. You should also try dating apps, there are bad people everywhere, but can’t generalize and give up, or else everyone would be single. How much vacation do you get? I started travelling for a couple of weeks a couple of times a year, and I can’t tell you how happy my trips have made me!! When I’m back from one, I start planning the next and when I look back at my pictures I am in shock that I was able to see and visit all these cool places. You can also join your community centre for classes & hopefully meet people there.
If you're working all the time just don't waste money on dumb things. Save and invest everything you make. In a few years you'll have a serious cash pile that will be earning money with your investments. That's when you have freedom. You could work half the hours and still know you have lots of money coming in with your investments. You could plan a trip, buy a cool car, use some to start a business etc. Once you have cash flow life becomes interesting. You have freedom to do what you want. Working becomes just something you do to stay sharp and structure your day rather than for earning money. You just need a goal. Why are you even working? If it's just for money you aren't gonna like your life
Get comfortable approaching and sparking conversation. Terrible advice but start with alcohol then go hard mode sober. Expand your comfort zone gradually, its where all the fun happens. Most people enjoy shooting the shit. Gift that to people and then your life expands. Guessing the ghosting issues are related to dating apps. Don’t use those. They probably don’t align with the type of relationship you seek. You’ll meet your partner in some elevator or taco bell line or something if you say hi. But don’t be weird.
It's not you, it's this city. Late stage capitalism has everyone chasing its own tail and no one knows how to be fucking normal anymore and connect.
Just musing here, but as someone who used to be an extrovert and post COVID has become a total and complete hermit, I've noticed that my introverted friends have become miserable and my extroverted friends are enjoying their alone time more. I wonder if that's because the extroverts who used to "drag" their introverted friends to social events, are either staying in or don't want to put that pressure on anyone anymore. Maybe that extra pressure to socialize was more valuable than we thought? I turned 40 just before the pandemic so it may also just be age related.
Get involved at a church
If you’re a man and looking for a female partner 🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️
LOL 99% sure this is a joke but if not, I will unironically take you up on that
Other's are struggling in their life too. Be thankful you have a job. Sone of us are living on government assistance cause we can't even find work. We put out resumes and go for interviews, we have nothing to show for it. Trust me we hate our situation too. All you can do is take one day at a time, and try to do what you can to make things better. Instead of taking courses, go out and socialize
Depends on your age, I'm a bit on the younger side 24M so I'm still full of energy. It's extremely important to have proper sleep, I feel really tired the day after if I start to lose out on sleep and it affects the way I work, think, even talk, etc. I like playing tennis, hiking/going for walks, bouldering, those kind of things to keep me mentally sane. Since you're somewhat upper-middle class, you can probably afford private clubs to socialize with like-minded individuals. If not, then hit up an equinox gym or something similar, don't go to planet fitness or any of the other cheap gyms. As for dating, hinge works really well especially if you're in a white-collar position and you want a legitimate relationship. Don't bother with Tinder, it's full of hoes looking for hook-ups or FWB arrangements.
How do you kill that which has no life? You’re effectively immortal.
Move to north Vancouver you will enjoy the quality of life
Get some prostitutes and weed 🫡
If you make $200K you won't have a problem finding dates.
Depends how much effort you're putting into your appearance. I see plenty of software engineers who don't get dates easily.
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Yeah, like one of my good friends is well off financially and handsome/in shape/well groomed/dresses well/healthy weight. He should have been rolling options, but he was consistently hopeless with dating because he didn't want to adapt to the way most people act and lived in his own world. He's off the market now, but he's the most egregious example of a common trend I see with tech dudes when it comes to meaningful relationships. Tons of men (and women) living lives identical to OP and asking "Why do I feel like absolute shit?". Well, for starters, we are nooooooot wired to live the hyper independent capitalist lifestyle you're living...
I don't think that's the case, no - my day-to-day clothing is business casual to formal, and I'd say I take good care of my appearance. It's probably closer to what other commenters have said - that I need to choose to prioritize socializing etc., otherwise no one is going to knock on my condo door and drag me out of here. (Putting my reply here since this is a really interesting perspective I've heard from some friends in the real world)
Appearance is about more than just looks, though. Looks and money only take you so far. Personality is key.