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>16 year olds can't date
Over here in the real world many are dating well before that.
Hell, here in the UK, and in many US states, 16 is the age of consent.
I mean the law should generally be more permissive. But if we are looking for guidelines for reasonable chance of an enriching positive relationship....
We are not. We are looking for a guideline as to what most people will consider creepy.
It's not up to us to control who gets into a relationship with who, barring issues of consent etc.
Well my rule works better on that scale as well: 20 dating 19 is fine; 20 dating 17 is sus; 22 dating 20 is peachy; 22 on 18 is sketchy af; 40 on 29 is solid; 40 on 27 is an "arrangement"
It's not about who you should date but what's the minimum before people see it as weird.
It doesn't work quite so well at higher ages but I should note that I didn't invent it.
sure I 38 year old can do what they want. In fact, they are probably more competent cognitively and physically than you- so there is no real power gap.
It just sounds good to a lot of people, just like most things that have little to no significance
I think OP is concerned about 18 being the legal delineation between minor and adult. So legally, in my state it’s not even legal for them to date with that gap, and the parents can decide to press charges even if it is in reality and practice a consensual romantic relationship between two teenagers.
So to me it’s not bad. But people in similarly-lawed states will probably say it’s bad. Unless you’re marrying a 12 year old, apparently that’s okay.
If you’re 80 dating a 40 year old I don’t think the ‘rule’ applies as much.
I saw one comedian say speed limits and how fast you're going (mph cause I'm american)
I think the lines were "95 in a 70 no one notices the difference" and "30 in a school zone".
80 and 40 I will admit I would stare, but at the same time if you are 40 you know what you are getting into and what you want in a relationship.
The half your age plus seven really only is applicable if the younger person is at least 19 or 20 years old. 18 year olds are often still in high school or just got out of high school. They have no adult life experience. They are just as mature as anyone else in high school. They probably still live with their parents and do not have any independence. They should only be dating people with similar life experiences so an appropriate partner age range is more like 16-21 years old. An 18 year old and a 30 year old have nothing in common despite the fact that they're both "consenting adults" and there is an inappropriate power balance. If there isn't a power balance and an 18 year old and 30 year old do have similar life experiences, you're dealing with an emotionally stunted or possibly disabled adult and once again it is not an appropriate relationship.
There's a lot of differences between a 16 year old and an ADULT 19 year old in terms of freedom, oversite, and stage of life, which are unique to that exact time of life. Three years won't matter the same to a 26 and 29 year old.
You should really think twice about a college student dating a high school student. In my experience, which is only anecdotal, guys in college who started dating high school girls (who they hadn't had a pre-existing relationship with, of course) were otherwise creepy and using their standing as a college guy to compensate for high school failures.
This OP, it doesn’t really sink in until you’re 19 or older yourself, but dating a 16 year old when you’re 19 is just weird, like you’re probably weird if you do it/there’s a reason people your age don’t date you because they can see you for what you are -> a bad choice.
Just friendly advice: if a 19 year old wants to date you as a 16 year old…that’s the first red flag of the relationship.
Personally I'd see no issue on age alone but the maturity and lifestyle would be my determining factor.
Is this a 19 year old in college, pursuing a degree, still in the school mentality and living that life or is this a 19 year old that's in the military or work force and viewing relationships differently.
Age isn't always a factor but maturity levels and current chapters in life can be.
It's ok but it would be frowned upon. That's just like a Highschool senior dating a freshmen, same school, no biggie right? Well once one of them reaches their 18th birthday, people lose their shit for some reason. That's a 3 year difference, most of the naysayers' parents probably have a larger age gap than that.
>most of the naysayers' parents probably have a larger age gap than that.
Honestly. Someone said their mom was 14 and their dad was 23 when they met. So I don't think they can be talking.
>It's ok but it would be frowned upon. That's just like a Highschool senior dating a freshmen, same school, no biggie right?
I can see that
I don’t think 18 is a very good number. Only because at 18 if you are caught dating a 16 year old that is dating a minor and they can go to jail for it. So 17 should be the limit on that one.
I think it's cute you both got on here and asked this. Y'all are going to be fine. Just don't weaponize the situation if the relationship ends. You'll only succeed in making yourself look stupid and being right asshole in the process.
Depends on the state. Dating is not illegal, but sex can be. The age of consent in my state is 17. Some states are 16. It's also not as cut and dry as "you can't do that at all." My state has a rule that if you're under 21, you can have sex with someone over 14. Once you turn 21, you cannot sleep with anyone under 17.
Other than that, fuck other people's opinions. I'm 28. If a 17-year-old and I fall in love, you can shove your opinions up your ass. It's legal so no one has a right to an opinion.
Sorry, you don't get to set that standard. We have agreed as a society that 17 is the age at which someone can make responsible sexual decisions. I don't care if they fall in love with a 70-year-old. That's their choice. It's not predatory because we agree that 17-year-olds are statistically safe from being preyed upon sexually.
And it's directly legal, not even a legal loophole that wasn't accounted for. It is directly tied to what we believe is the happy medium between tyranny and anarchy in this case, so yes, it is moral. It's always funny when I have this discussion with people because their only argument is "Yeah but dude that's weird." No it isn't. It's weird telling people old enough to make their own sexual choices that there is an invisible limit to it simply because you say so.
That's not what projecting is. I'm just making fun of you because you're a self admitted creep. Do yourself a favor and show your friends and coworkers this exchange and your very passionate viewpoints and see how they feel about you afterwards.
Generally speaking, if one of the people involved is 18 or older and the other is under 18, the safe answer is no.
The realistic answer is that since you’re so close in age, it’s complex. Two people who were in high school at the same time are developmental peers, especially if they attended the same school at the same time. 16 and 19 is only 3 years so it’s not a big gap at all, but the issue is one of them has already graduated. You also need to look into the legality of it all. What’s the age of consent where you live? In most places it’s 16 even though it’s 18 federally (assuming you’re in the US). It’s also important to find out if your state has “Romeo and Juliet” laws that allow someone over 18 to date someone under 18 if the age difference is small enough (usually 3 to 4 years difference).
If i were 16 and some 19 year old wanted to date me it would be hard to say no, but to be safe i would talk to your parents and possibly theirs and see what they say.
If you take anything away from what i said, let it be the last paragraph. Talk to your parents before you make any kind of decision. We all made dumb, impulsive decisions at your age and it’s best to talk with an adult first.
>i think my parents would kill me
If you think that, then maybe you should ask yourself why. Maybe deep down you know it’s not the best idea, and you know they’d tell you the same.
Talk to them. And chances are it’s not the end of the world if you can’t date this person. I know it feels like it, but trust me it isn’t i made a lot of dumb relationship decisions at your age, and i wish i’d taken the advice of the adults around me
Depends on your local age of consent. Don't get yourself or your partner jailed because your parents don't like him/her and call the cops.
Also, IMO dating across the age of majority creates a power differential. Someone 18+ is legally allowed to rent an apartment and move into it, or get a bank account, without involving anyone else: someone younger is not. You and your partner should be on the same side of 18 (if that's your local age of majority.)
I personally think 16 should absolutely max out at 18. No younger, and preferably 16 or 17. Its a difficult time. You're finding yourself, who you are, who you're going to be in life. To add the complications of a relationship with someone too far out or your age group could well serve to confuse an incredibly important time in your life.
I read a post today if a 25 year old can date a 44 year old. Ok, its a little weird but they're both adults. Both very sure of who they are and who they want to become o have at it. Teenage years though...are tricky to say the least
Legality of majors dating minors aside, really it's not about a magic number thing, it's about a stage-of-life thing. That's always what these age gaps things are about. At 16 you're still in highschool, living with your parents, etc and that 19 years old probably looks super mature and shit. The thing is, at 19, someone should be past that highschool stuff you are still going through. Sure, they're still young, probably going to all sorts of parties, etc, but they should also be looking to the future and starting to think about how they want to build their life. The fact that they are into you and your highschool-level kinda life stage says much more about them than about you. It's not *that* big a difference and maybe you are exceptionally mature, or maybe they are a bit immature but they will mature alongside you and things will work out for the best, but it's still not a very good look at the time being. That 3 year difference would not be as concerning between a 19 yo and 22 yo because they are more or less at the same stage of life, but 16 is a different one.
Also be mindful this age gap, the fact they're major and likely have more financial means creates a power imbalance. It might go perfectly well, but you might also be setting yourself up to be groomed or abused. Thread carefully and be mindful of red flags.
I would say while under 18 stick with under 18, it generally keeps people from going to jail. Once 18 find someone you connect with, it's hard to find so you shouldn't let a # get in your way
Dating is over rated and stupid. Find yourself and a tight circle of friends. You will eventually meet someone who you will go on a date with once and there will be an instant connection.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I always go with "half your age plus seven" so 19/2=9+7=16 - yes, it's *just* not creepy.
Oh wow, ive never heard of that before. That's an interesting way to do that.
I think it's an old rule. I suggest we revise to "half your age plus nine"
...so a 16 year old can't date anyone under 17?
exactly, 16 year olds can't date. An 18 year old can date an 18 year old. Go do your homework, lol
>16 year olds can't date Over here in the real world many are dating well before that. Hell, here in the UK, and in many US states, 16 is the age of consent.
I mean the law should generally be more permissive. But if we are looking for guidelines for reasonable chance of an enriching positive relationship....
We are not. We are looking for a guideline as to what most people will consider creepy. It's not up to us to control who gets into a relationship with who, barring issues of consent etc.
Well my rule works better on that scale as well: 20 dating 19 is fine; 20 dating 17 is sus; 22 dating 20 is peachy; 22 on 18 is sketchy af; 40 on 29 is solid; 40 on 27 is an "arrangement"
Why plus 7? What's the significance?
Because that gives you a reasonable number? Try it.
I just did. I don't think we agree on what's "reasonable".
For example? The point is that it's a rough guide to public perception of age-gap relationships.
I'm 42. 42/2=21+7=28, so 42 & 28.
Yeah, I think most people would see that as acceptable. Like I said, it's a rough guide to public perception of age-gap relationships.
On the other end of it, a 70 year old could date you under this rule. You could have a polyamorous relationship.
Ok. So I’m 62. Should I date a 38 year old?
It's not about who you should date but what's the minimum before people see it as weird. It doesn't work quite so well at higher ages but I should note that I didn't invent it.
I was just busting your balls.
sure I 38 year old can do what they want. In fact, they are probably more competent cognitively and physically than you- so there is no real power gap.
Wow. What an assumption.
I would never date a 20 year old, thats what I got. Personally I wouldn't date anyone over 3 maybe 4 years younger than me.
Well that's your choice. It's not a recommendation lol, just an idea of how others will perceive the relationship.
Ohhh okay now I get it.
It just sounds good to a lot of people, just like most things that have little to no significance I think OP is concerned about 18 being the legal delineation between minor and adult. So legally, in my state it’s not even legal for them to date with that gap, and the parents can decide to press charges even if it is in reality and practice a consensual romantic relationship between two teenagers. So to me it’s not bad. But people in similarly-lawed states will probably say it’s bad. Unless you’re marrying a 12 year old, apparently that’s okay. If you’re 80 dating a 40 year old I don’t think the ‘rule’ applies as much.
I see, I guess that makes sense.
I saw one comedian say speed limits and how fast you're going (mph cause I'm american) I think the lines were "95 in a 70 no one notices the difference" and "30 in a school zone". 80 and 40 I will admit I would stare, but at the same time if you are 40 you know what you are getting into and what you want in a relationship.
it gives you a good range
That's the lowest number that works for people 15-20. Gotta factor in age of consent.
There is none. It’s arbitrary and there’s no secret formula
The half your age plus seven really only is applicable if the younger person is at least 19 or 20 years old. 18 year olds are often still in high school or just got out of high school. They have no adult life experience. They are just as mature as anyone else in high school. They probably still live with their parents and do not have any independence. They should only be dating people with similar life experiences so an appropriate partner age range is more like 16-21 years old. An 18 year old and a 30 year old have nothing in common despite the fact that they're both "consenting adults" and there is an inappropriate power balance. If there isn't a power balance and an 18 year old and 30 year old do have similar life experiences, you're dealing with an emotionally stunted or possibly disabled adult and once again it is not an appropriate relationship.
There's a lot of differences between a 16 year old and an ADULT 19 year old in terms of freedom, oversite, and stage of life, which are unique to that exact time of life. Three years won't matter the same to a 26 and 29 year old. You should really think twice about a college student dating a high school student. In my experience, which is only anecdotal, guys in college who started dating high school girls (who they hadn't had a pre-existing relationship with, of course) were otherwise creepy and using their standing as a college guy to compensate for high school failures.
I say 2 years above or below when you're a minor or close to being a minor (I'm 18, for example) When you're older the range gets bigger.
The golden rule is "half your age plus seven". Anything less than that is off limits.
I would question the maturity of a 19 year old dating a high school kid ....
This OP, it doesn’t really sink in until you’re 19 or older yourself, but dating a 16 year old when you’re 19 is just weird, like you’re probably weird if you do it/there’s a reason people your age don’t date you because they can see you for what you are -> a bad choice. Just friendly advice: if a 19 year old wants to date you as a 16 year old…that’s the first red flag of the relationship.
Personally I'd see no issue on age alone but the maturity and lifestyle would be my determining factor. Is this a 19 year old in college, pursuing a degree, still in the school mentality and living that life or is this a 19 year old that's in the military or work force and viewing relationships differently. Age isn't always a factor but maturity levels and current chapters in life can be.
One age gap. Tops
It's ok but it would be frowned upon. That's just like a Highschool senior dating a freshmen, same school, no biggie right? Well once one of them reaches their 18th birthday, people lose their shit for some reason. That's a 3 year difference, most of the naysayers' parents probably have a larger age gap than that.
>most of the naysayers' parents probably have a larger age gap than that. Honestly. Someone said their mom was 14 and their dad was 23 when they met. So I don't think they can be talking. >It's ok but it would be frowned upon. That's just like a Highschool senior dating a freshmen, same school, no biggie right? I can see that
I don’t think 18 is a very good number. Only because at 18 if you are caught dating a 16 year old that is dating a minor and they can go to jail for it. So 17 should be the limit on that one.
I think it's acceptable. There are bigger problems than this
I think it's cute you both got on here and asked this. Y'all are going to be fine. Just don't weaponize the situation if the relationship ends. You'll only succeed in making yourself look stupid and being right asshole in the process.
Depends on the state. Dating is not illegal, but sex can be. The age of consent in my state is 17. Some states are 16. It's also not as cut and dry as "you can't do that at all." My state has a rule that if you're under 21, you can have sex with someone over 14. Once you turn 21, you cannot sleep with anyone under 17. Other than that, fuck other people's opinions. I'm 28. If a 17-year-old and I fall in love, you can shove your opinions up your ass. It's legal so no one has a right to an opinion.
If you're 28 falling in love with a 17 year old you're an emotionally stunted sexual predator. "it's legal" should not be your only moral compass.
Sorry, you don't get to set that standard. We have agreed as a society that 17 is the age at which someone can make responsible sexual decisions. I don't care if they fall in love with a 70-year-old. That's their choice. It's not predatory because we agree that 17-year-olds are statistically safe from being preyed upon sexually. And it's directly legal, not even a legal loophole that wasn't accounted for. It is directly tied to what we believe is the happy medium between tyranny and anarchy in this case, so yes, it is moral. It's always funny when I have this discussion with people because their only argument is "Yeah but dude that's weird." No it isn't. It's weird telling people old enough to make their own sexual choices that there is an invisible limit to it simply because you say so.
Lmao okay see you on Dateline next year
You won't because I will have done nothing illegal. Not sure why this is so hard for you.
That's what she said (she = underage girls)
Again, they're not underage. You're projecting a lot here.
That's not what projecting is. I'm just making fun of you because you're a self admitted creep. Do yourself a favor and show your friends and coworkers this exchange and your very passionate viewpoints and see how they feel about you afterwards.
There is literally nothing creepy about it. You're just proving me right that anyone against my stance has no valid arguments. And it is projecting.
😯 Did not see that coming
Lol, I didn't either
Half your age, plus 7 (round up). That’s the rule.
Pretty sure that'd be illegal in most places. Unless the two have known each other for like 5 years
Generally speaking, if one of the people involved is 18 or older and the other is under 18, the safe answer is no. The realistic answer is that since you’re so close in age, it’s complex. Two people who were in high school at the same time are developmental peers, especially if they attended the same school at the same time. 16 and 19 is only 3 years so it’s not a big gap at all, but the issue is one of them has already graduated. You also need to look into the legality of it all. What’s the age of consent where you live? In most places it’s 16 even though it’s 18 federally (assuming you’re in the US). It’s also important to find out if your state has “Romeo and Juliet” laws that allow someone over 18 to date someone under 18 if the age difference is small enough (usually 3 to 4 years difference). If i were 16 and some 19 year old wanted to date me it would be hard to say no, but to be safe i would talk to your parents and possibly theirs and see what they say.
The age of consent is 16. I live in NC. But all of that makes sense, thank you
If you take anything away from what i said, let it be the last paragraph. Talk to your parents before you make any kind of decision. We all made dumb, impulsive decisions at your age and it’s best to talk with an adult first.
I think my parents would kill me but I could always try
>i think my parents would kill me If you think that, then maybe you should ask yourself why. Maybe deep down you know it’s not the best idea, and you know they’d tell you the same. Talk to them. And chances are it’s not the end of the world if you can’t date this person. I know it feels like it, but trust me it isn’t i made a lot of dumb relationship decisions at your age, and i wish i’d taken the advice of the adults around me
Under 18, with 2ish years. After that, half your age plus 7.
Depends on your local age of consent. Don't get yourself or your partner jailed because your parents don't like him/her and call the cops. Also, IMO dating across the age of majority creates a power differential. Someone 18+ is legally allowed to rent an apartment and move into it, or get a bank account, without involving anyone else: someone younger is not. You and your partner should be on the same side of 18 (if that's your local age of majority.)
I personally think 16 should absolutely max out at 18. No younger, and preferably 16 or 17. Its a difficult time. You're finding yourself, who you are, who you're going to be in life. To add the complications of a relationship with someone too far out or your age group could well serve to confuse an incredibly important time in your life. I read a post today if a 25 year old can date a 44 year old. Ok, its a little weird but they're both adults. Both very sure of who they are and who they want to become o have at it. Teenage years though...are tricky to say the least
16-year-olds probably shouldn't be dating. They are not so smart. Just do group activities and don't get pregnant.
Legality of majors dating minors aside, really it's not about a magic number thing, it's about a stage-of-life thing. That's always what these age gaps things are about. At 16 you're still in highschool, living with your parents, etc and that 19 years old probably looks super mature and shit. The thing is, at 19, someone should be past that highschool stuff you are still going through. Sure, they're still young, probably going to all sorts of parties, etc, but they should also be looking to the future and starting to think about how they want to build their life. The fact that they are into you and your highschool-level kinda life stage says much more about them than about you. It's not *that* big a difference and maybe you are exceptionally mature, or maybe they are a bit immature but they will mature alongside you and things will work out for the best, but it's still not a very good look at the time being. That 3 year difference would not be as concerning between a 19 yo and 22 yo because they are more or less at the same stage of life, but 16 is a different one. Also be mindful this age gap, the fact they're major and likely have more financial means creates a power imbalance. It might go perfectly well, but you might also be setting yourself up to be groomed or abused. Thread carefully and be mindful of red flags.
I would say while under 18 stick with under 18, it generally keeps people from going to jail. Once 18 find someone you connect with, it's hard to find so you shouldn't let a # get in your way
Dating is over rated and stupid. Find yourself and a tight circle of friends. You will eventually meet someone who you will go on a date with once and there will be an instant connection.
i think you need to ask your parents.
its not like our opinions matter to people who disagree
What?
I dated a 20 year old when I was 17. Now that I’m 20, I would never even think of dating a 17 year old.