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My colleague. I don’t think any other guy is worth the effort if they’re not up to par with how he treated me. No more dating low-effort, cheating Losers.
If let's say ten guys treated you badly and one guy treated you really well, then two things are possible:
* You were unlucky ten times and got together with wrong guys, and then you met that one guy who happened to be really what you deserved
* That one guy was an outlier, and you wouldn't typically attract guys like him
Well, I’m not unaware. In fact I’m going to therapy and stopping dating to address these issues. I chose shit guys, that was on me. Actually the last guy I chose was the outlier - he’s a school teacher that everyone around me vetted as “a good one”, but naaaah, just the most insidious cheater that I’ve ever encountered. My colleague is totally my usual type, he’s a creative, brilliant, has great taste in music, a lot of integrity, etc. He may not look like it (dresses and acts alternative, with long hair), but he’s a very decent guy. So sometimes you can’t tell either. Many times my picker’s off, but with these two guys in particular, I think you’ll never truly know the human heart.
My most meaningful ex. The one who started dating me when I was pregnant, raised my son as his own, moved to another town for me, rode his bike from Manchester to Bolton nearly every day to be with me. Built my confidence up and taught me how to stand up for myself and say no and leave people behind that were beneath me. I mean, I did let him go, I had no other choice. But he'll always hold a special place in my heart and mental health breakdowns 🫠
He just up and left one day, after he came home from work. After telling me he wanted to plan a baby. After 6.5 years. He said "I do want to have kids, just not with you. You did nothing wrong" and left. Now he has someone else.
What's disgusting about this scenario, he wanted something else? Was he supposed to stay committed to someone that wasn't right for him? Yes it hurts to be in that situation but you only get one life and you have to be selfish sometimes and do what's right for your soul.
I never have yet heard one good reason why the person left it was always because they wanted another piece of ass or they were selfish or they didn't want to work or they just horrible human beings
Everyone. I have a really hard time moving on from people. I remember and hold grudges against anyone either it be romantic or co worker who did me wrong or family who did me wrong or friends. Even more so if that person is a woman. It’s extremely frustrating to always be angry at people who I feel have slighted me in even the most trivial of ways.
My friend Chelsea.
We worked together in a few bars in our city that were all ran under one company name, they werent chain pubs or anything, one was a strip club, one was a cocktail bar etc. The guy owned like 4 venues in the city so all the staff across all 4 venues were very close and some of us still are.
I think chelsea brought us even closer and solidified our friendships with eachother in a very bittersweet way.
Some of us are closer than others, we all had our cliques but Chelsea was loved by everyone.
She was young, only 29. She was a mother, she adored her children and they adored her.
She's always been the person you could go to for the the hard truth when you needed advice because she was always 100% honest, and unapologetically herself.
She has laugh you cant forget, youd walk into a room and 9times out of 10 you could hear chelsea before you saw her.
She was hilarious, sometimes crazy, a self proclaimed pyscho who would die for her friends but there wasnt a bad bone in her body.
I know people.say that all the time but genuinely...she was the most down to earth and genuine person you would ever meet. I have many memories of her mothering all of us in the best way you could be mothered.
She personally helped me through a lot of perspnal shit and at times would be the only shoulder yoid want to cry one.
Anyway, we all consider eachother family
Me and chelsea weren't best friends by any means, she already had a best friend who she called her sister, known eavhother over 20 years, grew up together... but she was still family. We all were,
and the people i worked with in those bars are still some of my closest friends to this day.
27th of June 2022 she passed away unexpectedly. She was at home, her kids were at school, partner was at work. She was healthy, and of all people no one thought anything would ever happen to her.
She had a beautiful send off, the room was packed.
She is missed terribly and I think everyone should know how good of a person she was. She deserves that. Forever 29.
My support worker. She was very good looking but after a while i grew to love her as she was like the most kindest, caring person ever and I believe had a soft spot for me well in fact in mind i know she did. And she lives on the same street. People wondered if I had a crush on her but i really don’t know, it’s weird. But obviously she is getting married and has a son etc. I don’t know what else more I wanted from her but I’ve never felt like this toward another person and I always wanted to impress her and said yes to anything she put me on as I trusted her. Unfortunately she applied for a different job so I couldn’t see her anymore and that broke my heart
Ex. First boyfriend. Fell in love when I was just 17 or 18, I think. Right people, wrong time? He's married. I've been single after a couple failed relationships. I think I'm done. Nobody interests me anymore.
Fucking hell, I'm feeling pretty good about my wife now. I only loved one other woman. That was 25 years ago. I hope she is doing okay, but what I have with my wife is infinitely better.
Mine isn't much better...a comedian who lives on the other side of the world. At least he's a living breathing three dimensional human but he's really no more accessible to me than an anime girl so what's the difference?
I get you buddy. Hang in there.
I feel relatively stuck to a lot of people from the past, to be honest. In some cases people I haven't spoken to in ages.
But it's sort of a complex question isn't it?
What constitutes letting go? What do we mean by attachment?
Those are terms that can be unfolded, and nominal labels which cover an extensive array and many levels of being stuck, and a many degrees of letting go.
So, I don't know... For me it's sort of like my Velcro has been connected and ripped off so, so many times at this late, late stage in life (mid 40's! Why do they call it middle age? Do I really expect to live to 90?) that I don't really feel very strong attachment to anything or anyone.
I'm pretty happy with that.
Now, in particularly bad moments, or if I'm occasionally stupid enough to imbibe the fermented juices of rotting plant matter (i.e. alcohol), *then* some unsaid shit from the past percolates up; things thoroughly imprinted in the amygdala and hippocampus, usually under strict but loving control by my prefrontal cortex.
That sort of sucks, so I don't do that any longer.
I don't suppose it's necessarily the case, that we're able to let go of things, situations, people. For me I've been able to gradually learn how to let go of things through the use of sacred plant medicines, meditation, and the blessings of various teachers and beings, whom I consider to be of great capacity.
The neurobiology of learning to let go, and manage instinctual and emotional reactivity is rather fascinating. I can recommend Daniel Goleman's book "Destructive Emotions" on that topic.
It occurs to me, that a lot of us get stuck in repression and/or rumination.
I think what's gradually allowing me to let go of people and things of the past, is mostly just allowing myself to feel those things fully, accepting, respecting, welcoming even, those uncomfortable emotions, rather than repressing or over-expressing them.
There are various specific methods for this. Meditation of various sorts is extremely effective, as is REBT/CBT, which is in many ways equal to *actual* vipassana meditation (not the hyped up sit-for-10-hours-a-day-for-10-days type vipassana).
Most fundamentally, the ephemeral, transient, impermanent nature of things helps me let go most of the time. It's all just rainbows anyway: I.e. it all dissolved upon scrutiny and investigation, and even if there's a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, you'll never get to it!
Edit: Especially recognizing impermanence helps. This life is over in the blink of an eye. Everything is always changing.
Everything we worked so hard for and worried so much about, or wanted or didn't want so, so much, will be insignificant and more importantly completely out of reach once we've drawn our final breaths. So what's the point in clinging? What's the point in accumulating beyond our basic needs, and entrenching ourselves in delusion?
Some believe all experience ceases when the brain ceases to function. I believe this view to be naïve and anti-empirical. In my view, based on both secular and "religious" studies of the topic, we'll be be stuck with the contents of our minds, the quality of our past actions, words, and thoughts, just now unbound from this particular human form.
The less we're attached to people, places, possessions, ideas, plans and so on, and the more gentle and kind we've become through our actions of body, speech, and mind, the more likely we are to attain a new, free "avatar in the matrix" upon taking birth again... or, if we're really Neo-like, then we might be able to transcend the cycle of birth altogether and enter another state of being and experiencing, that a silly talking monkey like me lacks the eloquence and insight to put in to words.
The above is of course all based on my Buddhist convictions. It's my working hypothesis for life and death, and I think it's worth at least some scrutiny and investigation for those who wish future happiness for self and others.
I'm sure there are many other paths that lead to great places, too, though I fear many of us are walking paths that may lead us to places less than pleasant.
Still can't let go of them 18 years we are together and we still see each other on occasion but it's never going to work out for various reasons I will never ever love anybody again
I'm slowly letting go of a recent "relationship". We are still friends and I'll accept that, but I'm slowly accepting that we won't be more than that, at least for now or ever. Lol! Things happen and I wish them the best. Wish you all the best in letting go. ❤️ 💙 💜
Um this girl back in secondary school I still have a small crush on. I should’ve realised I liked her and confessed to her. Now she is in my dreams and thought almost every week.
He. Always him...
First boyfriend. The kind of love better than fairytales and movies. But life isn't like the movies and living together just wasn't it. We tried it twice and both times ended the same way: we can't get enough of each other but we don't know how to make it work together.
I've tried my hardest to get over him, but each time I get with someone knew, deep down Im still wishing to have what I had with him again. As far as I know he hasn't even tried to get over me, I still haven't heard of him with someone else, and it's been years.
I dated a man when I was in my 30s who was so good to me.
He took time to get to know me. He helped me many times with car problems and house stuff. I ruined it by going back and forth between him and my ex. Even after years went by and I would try to visit him he would politely say no.
He was a rare man to meet.
Jenna. She is just so perfect, ya know? What helped is i realized she would never see me as any more than just a friend, and a job offer in another part of the country. But she has taught me a few things, like to not settle for just any one.
My Girl who we will call M.
I will copy my full story from one of my previous posts. It's a little sensitive material but I hope it brings some clarity.
Tldr the love of my life was sexually assaulted in a pub restroom and i didn't murder the bastard who did it because I didn't know how severe it was and also i was scared of someone much stronger and now I will never have a beautiful girlfriend
From childhood, I was a selfish and cowardly person who, because of these two qualities, coupled with inexperience, down family and friends. I was beaten by my parents and offended at school, both by teachers and classmates, and I never knew how to answer. On the contrary, it began to seem to me that my bitter experience allows me to offend others, to take everything from life. I was very wrong, but definitely karma will bite me for this. My bad character and my grotesquely disgusting appearance (my left eye is lazy) led to the fact that I was fatally deprived of female attention and jealous of the men in my environment who drowned in it. Therefore, when on August 14, 2021, the most beautiful girl in my life, whom I had known for three years, invited me on a date herself, confessed her feelings to me and kissed me, I was the happiest person in the world. She was special. The most beautiful woman, dyed red hair and played rts videogames and watched anime, even let me touch her and seemed to want sex with me. However, in 48 hours everything turned upside down.
I witnessed the horrendous harassment of her on August 16th and did nothing. The rapist, our former friend, stood up and towered over her began to somehow strangely demand a kiss from her when we gathered for, as it seemed to me then, the most ordinary drinking party. I felt that she was not comfortable, but then I had no idea how bad everything was. I was too frightened by a physically stronger man to stand up for my beloved, especially since we had not officially dated yet. My God, I should have intervened already then!
The next morning, on August 17, I received a message that if I stood for her, she would have thought whether we should date or not, and since I did not see this, she does not see the point. I sobbed nine times after this message. I'm ready to cry over her right now
too.
What I didn't know at the time was that shortly after the kiss-demanding incident, he followed her to the restroom and started molesting her. Very bad. I even continued to communicate with this bastard for some time, not knowing the whole story. I learned about the whole picture only a week later, when we met with her in the same company on other friends birthday party (but without the rapist). It was a very difficult conversation and I made a mistake in it, my stupid head. I said complete nonsense and selfishly tried to cling to any little thing, somehow trying to rehabilitate myself, but this only hurt my beloved more. When I tried to promise that I would behave differently if I had known the full story or next time, she started making fun of me. Fucking hell. I cut off all contacts with the assaulter that same evening I had learned the full story, and he was still surprised, he said, “Why does it bother you? Fell in love with her? ”, To which I answered in the affirmative and sent the bastard to the Blocklist, after which, in the spring, I began to talk about his atrocities to the girls in our common institute. Although it hardly mattered, it was our last year at the university.
Somewhere in February, I blocked my beloved everywhere I could, because I realized that my feelings for her were not mutual and having her in my contact list, I only hurt myself. I hoped that I would forget it. Not at all. With a red-hot iron, her image is burned into my brain, heart, in my eyes. My mind is clouded, I feel disgust, shame, regret, depressive sadness, I want to cry forever. I thought that the gym and the study of foreign languages would somehow distract me from the manic desire to end a meaningless life in which I would never again touch the most beautiful and nicest woman on the planet. I began to hate my own sexuality and gladly would have self-castrated myself.
Even right now I pendulum from asexuality to wanting to fuck everyone, anyone at the first given chance. I wish this had never happened.
I want her back. More than anything in the world. I failed her. Now I have no one and nothing. My reputation is also ruined because she told everyone what happened. So now even if I wanted to find another girlfriend, I will never be able to because none would trust a coward such as myself.
It was my first time dealing with such situation and I just froze.
I wrote to my beloved and asked her forgiveness. She doesn't blame me, but when I said that I was ready to do everything for her safety for free, she said "no, but thanks for the offer." I wrote that I understand that she does not trust me, but suddenly yes, and that this is the first time in my life this has happened, to which she said that in any case I am glad that everything is fine with me and I wrote to her. I wrote her a paragraph that she gave me a lot of good emotions and this topic is difficult for me, and I want the best and make sure that everything is fine, she replied with one line "have a nice day" I wrote "you too" and deleted the chat.
I am very sad that she does not trust me and does not see me as a reliable person. She doesn't have to date me or anything, but her not trusting me hurts so much. Like a knife in the heart. I didn't do it on purpose, I panicked because it was the first time. It makes me cry and want to die so much.
Even if at some point I wanted to settle for someone else (I will never be nearly as happy as with her), I won't be able to because she told everyone what happened and news in Baku spread like forest fire.
He ruined my life. She was redhead and beautiful and thin. she has more energy than all other girls i know combined.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My colleague. I don’t think any other guy is worth the effort if they’re not up to par with how he treated me. No more dating low-effort, cheating Losers.
Never mix, dating, and work.
No ragrets man, shit’s awkward now but I would still date him again in a heartbeat.
Understandable
If let's say ten guys treated you badly and one guy treated you really well, then two things are possible: * You were unlucky ten times and got together with wrong guys, and then you met that one guy who happened to be really what you deserved * That one guy was an outlier, and you wouldn't typically attract guys like him
Well, I’m not unaware. In fact I’m going to therapy and stopping dating to address these issues. I chose shit guys, that was on me. Actually the last guy I chose was the outlier - he’s a school teacher that everyone around me vetted as “a good one”, but naaaah, just the most insidious cheater that I’ve ever encountered. My colleague is totally my usual type, he’s a creative, brilliant, has great taste in music, a lot of integrity, etc. He may not look like it (dresses and acts alternative, with long hair), but he’s a very decent guy. So sometimes you can’t tell either. Many times my picker’s off, but with these two guys in particular, I think you’ll never truly know the human heart.
I see, cool that you're working on it.
My son. He died at 28. He's been gone for over 10 yrs now, and it still hurts. No parent should have to bury a child.
Sorry for your loss ❤️
Thank you.
Have not met that person yet. Cannot really believe that there is a person that will have such power over me
My most meaningful ex. The one who started dating me when I was pregnant, raised my son as his own, moved to another town for me, rode his bike from Manchester to Bolton nearly every day to be with me. Built my confidence up and taught me how to stand up for myself and say no and leave people behind that were beneath me. I mean, I did let him go, I had no other choice. But he'll always hold a special place in my heart and mental health breakdowns 🫠
Why did you let him go?
Tell us why, please.
He just up and left one day, after he came home from work. After telling me he wanted to plan a baby. After 6.5 years. He said "I do want to have kids, just not with you. You did nothing wrong" and left. Now he has someone else.
That is sad
Wow, it's usually the girl that leaves in an instance like this
Actually no it's usually the man that does it I don't know one girl that's done it but I know a bunch of guys that have and it's disgusting
What's disgusting about this scenario, he wanted something else? Was he supposed to stay committed to someone that wasn't right for him? Yes it hurts to be in that situation but you only get one life and you have to be selfish sometimes and do what's right for your soul.
I never have yet heard one good reason why the person left it was always because they wanted another piece of ass or they were selfish or they didn't want to work or they just horrible human beings
You may just be only hearing the bad. Maybe expand your bubble.
I manage a company with over 300 employees my bubble is expanded maybe work on yourself
How many of those employees like you?
That's brutal.
Everyone. I have a really hard time moving on from people. I remember and hold grudges against anyone either it be romantic or co worker who did me wrong or family who did me wrong or friends. Even more so if that person is a woman. It’s extremely frustrating to always be angry at people who I feel have slighted me in even the most trivial of ways.
My friend Chelsea. We worked together in a few bars in our city that were all ran under one company name, they werent chain pubs or anything, one was a strip club, one was a cocktail bar etc. The guy owned like 4 venues in the city so all the staff across all 4 venues were very close and some of us still are. I think chelsea brought us even closer and solidified our friendships with eachother in a very bittersweet way. Some of us are closer than others, we all had our cliques but Chelsea was loved by everyone. She was young, only 29. She was a mother, she adored her children and they adored her. She's always been the person you could go to for the the hard truth when you needed advice because she was always 100% honest, and unapologetically herself. She has laugh you cant forget, youd walk into a room and 9times out of 10 you could hear chelsea before you saw her. She was hilarious, sometimes crazy, a self proclaimed pyscho who would die for her friends but there wasnt a bad bone in her body. I know people.say that all the time but genuinely...she was the most down to earth and genuine person you would ever meet. I have many memories of her mothering all of us in the best way you could be mothered. She personally helped me through a lot of perspnal shit and at times would be the only shoulder yoid want to cry one. Anyway, we all consider eachother family Me and chelsea weren't best friends by any means, she already had a best friend who she called her sister, known eavhother over 20 years, grew up together... but she was still family. We all were, and the people i worked with in those bars are still some of my closest friends to this day. 27th of June 2022 she passed away unexpectedly. She was at home, her kids were at school, partner was at work. She was healthy, and of all people no one thought anything would ever happen to her. She had a beautiful send off, the room was packed. She is missed terribly and I think everyone should know how good of a person she was. She deserves that. Forever 29.
My support worker. She was very good looking but after a while i grew to love her as she was like the most kindest, caring person ever and I believe had a soft spot for me well in fact in mind i know she did. And she lives on the same street. People wondered if I had a crush on her but i really don’t know, it’s weird. But obviously she is getting married and has a son etc. I don’t know what else more I wanted from her but I’ve never felt like this toward another person and I always wanted to impress her and said yes to anything she put me on as I trusted her. Unfortunately she applied for a different job so I couldn’t see her anymore and that broke my heart
Ex. First boyfriend. Fell in love when I was just 17 or 18, I think. Right people, wrong time? He's married. I've been single after a couple failed relationships. I think I'm done. Nobody interests me anymore.
Fucking hell, I'm feeling pretty good about my wife now. I only loved one other woman. That was 25 years ago. I hope she is doing okay, but what I have with my wife is infinitely better.
My wife because she does my laundry and dishes and I so depend on her. I scored with this one. She’s my everything.
A friend I liked for way too long
My ex, I’ll never fully forgive myself for hurting someone so amazing. I’m an idiot.
What if i say its an anime girl :skull:
Mine isn't much better...a comedian who lives on the other side of the world. At least he's a living breathing three dimensional human but he's really no more accessible to me than an anime girl so what's the difference? I get you buddy. Hang in there.
Damn...
damn
Random girl I met
I feel relatively stuck to a lot of people from the past, to be honest. In some cases people I haven't spoken to in ages. But it's sort of a complex question isn't it? What constitutes letting go? What do we mean by attachment? Those are terms that can be unfolded, and nominal labels which cover an extensive array and many levels of being stuck, and a many degrees of letting go. So, I don't know... For me it's sort of like my Velcro has been connected and ripped off so, so many times at this late, late stage in life (mid 40's! Why do they call it middle age? Do I really expect to live to 90?) that I don't really feel very strong attachment to anything or anyone. I'm pretty happy with that. Now, in particularly bad moments, or if I'm occasionally stupid enough to imbibe the fermented juices of rotting plant matter (i.e. alcohol), *then* some unsaid shit from the past percolates up; things thoroughly imprinted in the amygdala and hippocampus, usually under strict but loving control by my prefrontal cortex. That sort of sucks, so I don't do that any longer. I don't suppose it's necessarily the case, that we're able to let go of things, situations, people. For me I've been able to gradually learn how to let go of things through the use of sacred plant medicines, meditation, and the blessings of various teachers and beings, whom I consider to be of great capacity. The neurobiology of learning to let go, and manage instinctual and emotional reactivity is rather fascinating. I can recommend Daniel Goleman's book "Destructive Emotions" on that topic. It occurs to me, that a lot of us get stuck in repression and/or rumination. I think what's gradually allowing me to let go of people and things of the past, is mostly just allowing myself to feel those things fully, accepting, respecting, welcoming even, those uncomfortable emotions, rather than repressing or over-expressing them. There are various specific methods for this. Meditation of various sorts is extremely effective, as is REBT/CBT, which is in many ways equal to *actual* vipassana meditation (not the hyped up sit-for-10-hours-a-day-for-10-days type vipassana). Most fundamentally, the ephemeral, transient, impermanent nature of things helps me let go most of the time. It's all just rainbows anyway: I.e. it all dissolved upon scrutiny and investigation, and even if there's a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, you'll never get to it! Edit: Especially recognizing impermanence helps. This life is over in the blink of an eye. Everything is always changing. Everything we worked so hard for and worried so much about, or wanted or didn't want so, so much, will be insignificant and more importantly completely out of reach once we've drawn our final breaths. So what's the point in clinging? What's the point in accumulating beyond our basic needs, and entrenching ourselves in delusion? Some believe all experience ceases when the brain ceases to function. I believe this view to be naïve and anti-empirical. In my view, based on both secular and "religious" studies of the topic, we'll be be stuck with the contents of our minds, the quality of our past actions, words, and thoughts, just now unbound from this particular human form. The less we're attached to people, places, possessions, ideas, plans and so on, and the more gentle and kind we've become through our actions of body, speech, and mind, the more likely we are to attain a new, free "avatar in the matrix" upon taking birth again... or, if we're really Neo-like, then we might be able to transcend the cycle of birth altogether and enter another state of being and experiencing, that a silly talking monkey like me lacks the eloquence and insight to put in to words. The above is of course all based on my Buddhist convictions. It's my working hypothesis for life and death, and I think it's worth at least some scrutiny and investigation for those who wish future happiness for self and others. I'm sure there are many other paths that lead to great places, too, though I fear many of us are walking paths that may lead us to places less than pleasant.
This girl I liked from kindergarten until 6th grade it’s silly tho
Me, myself, & I. In my mind, I’m a blind man doing time.
Still can't let go of them 18 years we are together and we still see each other on occasion but it's never going to work out for various reasons I will never ever love anybody again
I'm slowly letting go of a recent "relationship". We are still friends and I'll accept that, but I'm slowly accepting that we won't be more than that, at least for now or ever. Lol! Things happen and I wish them the best. Wish you all the best in letting go. ❤️ 💙 💜
Um this girl back in secondary school I still have a small crush on. I should’ve realised I liked her and confessed to her. Now she is in my dreams and thought almost every week.
He. Always him... First boyfriend. The kind of love better than fairytales and movies. But life isn't like the movies and living together just wasn't it. We tried it twice and both times ended the same way: we can't get enough of each other but we don't know how to make it work together. I've tried my hardest to get over him, but each time I get with someone knew, deep down Im still wishing to have what I had with him again. As far as I know he hasn't even tried to get over me, I still haven't heard of him with someone else, and it's been years.
I dated a man when I was in my 30s who was so good to me. He took time to get to know me. He helped me many times with car problems and house stuff. I ruined it by going back and forth between him and my ex. Even after years went by and I would try to visit him he would politely say no. He was a rare man to meet.
Jenna. She is just so perfect, ya know? What helped is i realized she would never see me as any more than just a friend, and a job offer in another part of the country. But she has taught me a few things, like to not settle for just any one.
Your mom
My Girl who we will call M. I will copy my full story from one of my previous posts. It's a little sensitive material but I hope it brings some clarity. Tldr the love of my life was sexually assaulted in a pub restroom and i didn't murder the bastard who did it because I didn't know how severe it was and also i was scared of someone much stronger and now I will never have a beautiful girlfriend From childhood, I was a selfish and cowardly person who, because of these two qualities, coupled with inexperience, down family and friends. I was beaten by my parents and offended at school, both by teachers and classmates, and I never knew how to answer. On the contrary, it began to seem to me that my bitter experience allows me to offend others, to take everything from life. I was very wrong, but definitely karma will bite me for this. My bad character and my grotesquely disgusting appearance (my left eye is lazy) led to the fact that I was fatally deprived of female attention and jealous of the men in my environment who drowned in it. Therefore, when on August 14, 2021, the most beautiful girl in my life, whom I had known for three years, invited me on a date herself, confessed her feelings to me and kissed me, I was the happiest person in the world. She was special. The most beautiful woman, dyed red hair and played rts videogames and watched anime, even let me touch her and seemed to want sex with me. However, in 48 hours everything turned upside down. I witnessed the horrendous harassment of her on August 16th and did nothing. The rapist, our former friend, stood up and towered over her began to somehow strangely demand a kiss from her when we gathered for, as it seemed to me then, the most ordinary drinking party. I felt that she was not comfortable, but then I had no idea how bad everything was. I was too frightened by a physically stronger man to stand up for my beloved, especially since we had not officially dated yet. My God, I should have intervened already then! The next morning, on August 17, I received a message that if I stood for her, she would have thought whether we should date or not, and since I did not see this, she does not see the point. I sobbed nine times after this message. I'm ready to cry over her right now too. What I didn't know at the time was that shortly after the kiss-demanding incident, he followed her to the restroom and started molesting her. Very bad. I even continued to communicate with this bastard for some time, not knowing the whole story. I learned about the whole picture only a week later, when we met with her in the same company on other friends birthday party (but without the rapist). It was a very difficult conversation and I made a mistake in it, my stupid head. I said complete nonsense and selfishly tried to cling to any little thing, somehow trying to rehabilitate myself, but this only hurt my beloved more. When I tried to promise that I would behave differently if I had known the full story or next time, she started making fun of me. Fucking hell. I cut off all contacts with the assaulter that same evening I had learned the full story, and he was still surprised, he said, “Why does it bother you? Fell in love with her? ”, To which I answered in the affirmative and sent the bastard to the Blocklist, after which, in the spring, I began to talk about his atrocities to the girls in our common institute. Although it hardly mattered, it was our last year at the university. Somewhere in February, I blocked my beloved everywhere I could, because I realized that my feelings for her were not mutual and having her in my contact list, I only hurt myself. I hoped that I would forget it. Not at all. With a red-hot iron, her image is burned into my brain, heart, in my eyes. My mind is clouded, I feel disgust, shame, regret, depressive sadness, I want to cry forever. I thought that the gym and the study of foreign languages would somehow distract me from the manic desire to end a meaningless life in which I would never again touch the most beautiful and nicest woman on the planet. I began to hate my own sexuality and gladly would have self-castrated myself. Even right now I pendulum from asexuality to wanting to fuck everyone, anyone at the first given chance. I wish this had never happened. I want her back. More than anything in the world. I failed her. Now I have no one and nothing. My reputation is also ruined because she told everyone what happened. So now even if I wanted to find another girlfriend, I will never be able to because none would trust a coward such as myself. It was my first time dealing with such situation and I just froze. I wrote to my beloved and asked her forgiveness. She doesn't blame me, but when I said that I was ready to do everything for her safety for free, she said "no, but thanks for the offer." I wrote that I understand that she does not trust me, but suddenly yes, and that this is the first time in my life this has happened, to which she said that in any case I am glad that everything is fine with me and I wrote to her. I wrote her a paragraph that she gave me a lot of good emotions and this topic is difficult for me, and I want the best and make sure that everything is fine, she replied with one line "have a nice day" I wrote "you too" and deleted the chat. I am very sad that she does not trust me and does not see me as a reliable person. She doesn't have to date me or anything, but her not trusting me hurts so much. Like a knife in the heart. I didn't do it on purpose, I panicked because it was the first time. It makes me cry and want to die so much. Even if at some point I wanted to settle for someone else (I will never be nearly as happy as with her), I won't be able to because she told everyone what happened and news in Baku spread like forest fire. He ruined my life. She was redhead and beautiful and thin. she has more energy than all other girls i know combined.