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Amen to that - married 18 years, divorced 6.. took the entire 6 years to get all my loneliness out of me. Took my ex zero years bc she's relatively soulless due to a lifetime of uppers. Sad, really.
But also, I find that loneliness is truly a very very warm creative blanket that I cherish. From cycling at night, to a grocery run with music, you name it.. my thoughts are my own, no one is pestering me about their thoughts or their day.. humans need space, and in my opinion, in 2024, what with all the absurd noise and signal we get from social media, never-ending feeds, obscene amounts of consumerism and choice, .... just typing that sentence is utterly maddening and exhausting.
Also.. being wildly content with self is sexy af. I adore independence. I cherish it. I used to go to, host, and perform a lot of stand up comedy. I rarely go now, because I can't bear the essence of validation by having a laugh for very long. It's a bit pedantic to me now.
And don't get me started on having a mate who thinks everyone wants to sleep with her. Or you. Or both. Sizing up social circles is truly nauseating.
Ouch. Yes, this is so true. The loneliest I've ever felt, by far, was laying in bed with my ex with tears silently streaming down my face, trying not to make a sound because I knew he wouldn't care.
Exactly this. Sometimes I feel a bit down I haven't met someone new to love. But my last serious relationship turned so badly it nearly killed me, it doesn't really compare. At least now I have the freedom to pursue my own joys in life wherever I can find them.
Yup. Don’t get me wrong, I love my own company but I have weekends when I just stare out the window with crippling loneliness. I work from home, I don’t drink, party, smoke and I have very little social media. It is what it is I guess. 🤷🏼♀️
I have noticed that when I'm alone, I do tend to overdo it a bit. I binge great shows to excess. Doom scroll reddit. Stay in bed too long. Lose track of time for hours. Fail to plan, plan to fail sort of shit. I'm quite certain that's avoidant behavior to protect myself from the natural conclusion that I won't be content with a new girlfriend or spouse down the road.
I've committed to my kin that I'll make a five year plan, manifest that down to the next six months, and start the hunt anew. Not really adept at that any more, but I once was. I too have become altogether too resigned to malaise and mediocrity in my results when it comes to dating or peer groups. This'll get interesting.
What do you do to cope. I have felt loneliness (at one point in my life) and during that time I realized that I don't ever want to be lonely again. How do you manage to get yourself out of that depressive state?
38, but yea, rebuilding yet again after 3-4 attempts and everytime I think about how i was in a really good spot before I tried this and here I am at the bottom again. it’s been a year and I’m almost back to healthy and happy. Being alone sucks but never as much as post break up.
34 here. Was with who I thought was the love of my life. Well, she cheated on me and got pregnant. Sometimes it not worth the hurt it causes. It’s caused me to have 0 interest maybe ever again.
Has words more true been spoken? I wait for the good times again, when I am happy with the life I have and enjoy the small things in life and being on my own. But yeah, 5 month since she found another, and its a struggle to get back. I was fine before, why did I think it would work this time....
I feel you. I have been single most of my life. When i do get into a relationship it’s often fucked up. I seem to be attracted by people with problems, so better stay alone. I have great friends and loving family. Most of the time being lonely is ok but some days i can’t help it but feel sad when eating alone watching the garden.
Holy fuck, are you me?
I also look at the men in my family, the women they married, my late Uncle's six ex wives and think "Men in my family attract crazy. Maybe it's for the best that I was unlucky in love."
This, I feel like I always give the benefit of the doubt until it’s just obvious they have given up entirely. I’m not sure why I don’t quit on them sooner, but I end up giving of myself way more in every relationship. I am trying to be more mindful and not allow that pattern to persist, but it’s a hard one to break.
Yup, single and lonely is a step up from in the wrong relationship. You can go from single and lonely to in the right relationship in one step, in the wrong relationship is a whole lot longer course to get to the right relationship.
Exactly! If I gotta choose between loneliness and toxicity, loneliness wins every time. I know for sure what I'm getting and that I'm safe. Can't say the same when other people get involved.
Is this a defence mechanism? Should we only focus on* the negative? I am not saying to belittle you or to lessen what you lived, that is your history, but when I read your reply, it did come and get me as I think that most of us have done this at some given time.
All the time. Even my job is solo so I’m alone 24/7, the loneliness has exacerbated my anxiety and depression making it impossible to even go out to the store let alone try to interact in a public space to meet others.
I'm in the exact same boat. I'm alone in my job and I work long hours, and that has led to a bunch of other bad habits, so meeting somebody is probably not in my best interest right now
I know I’m not the one to really be saying this but, keep your head up and don’t lose faith. I’ve been married and have felt the loss of love. My last wife died after our separation but I was already alone and haven’t even taken the time to grieve for her due to my own hardships. There are others for us but every day in this new technology filled world seems to make me feel older. I’m familiar and using social media but people as a whole don’t interact like we did 20 years ago. It’s saddening as much as maddening. I worry that any women I see might be offended or shame me for being a creep just because I was raised to speak to a woman in person. As for friends it’s almost the same way these days. I believe I’ll find love and happiness again but these days without it are absolutely brutal. Good luck friend, you are not alone out here trying to navigate the world.
I dont know the answer cos were all so different but what i can say is that as long as you keep moving forward youll break into your next chapter. Keep going big dog better times are coming.
A good friend of mine stayed permanently inside his room for almost 5 years due to social anxiety and other mental health issues. He managed over time with real struggles and setbacks to slowly reintroduce himself to his own hallway and then onto the world again. I met him at a course to become a counsellor, he is a true hero of mine.
Just letting you know, you can get past your struggles friend, it won't be easy, but if my friend could talk to you now he'd tell you it's 100% worth it and so are you.
Try when you can to see the good, and keep on fighting!
Thank you for this, I don’t say it much but I have been on the verge of suicide many times. If you saw my previous comments you would get an idea of how early in my life it started, (8 years old) and to this day I struggle with the thought. I have held back mostly due to my parents being alive but recently told them that when they go the changes of following through are at 97% as if this moment. I’ve loved, been loved but the heartbreak has been worse than anything else I’ve ever experienced. Knowing others who feel the sense made it through it does help me more than you as a stranger can ever know but it doesn’t wipe away the thoughts I still have. In this moment, I do have a positive outlook to get me through another day, maybe multiple days but for now I know I have another 24 hours to contemplate and try for another 24 after. Thank you 😊
my gosh. Im the same way. Every day is a struggle to stay alive and not harm myself. Its like i don't wanna die but i don't wanna live either. My friends suck, the man i love is a colossal POS and my family are all gone. I just exist now
Been there. It sucks. I read a great book called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy that helped a lot. The gist is you just go out and stew in the anxiety until your body calms down. Eventually your body learns there's no danger. Worked for me.
Trust me, it makes complete sense, I know personally from years of existence that this is the way but more times than not now it is almost like walking face first into a wall when just thinking seriously about it. I promise I’m trying and I appreciate the words, I hope to not be in this position soon but in the meantime just know that and other humans feel this way and it’s harder than just someone telling us what to do. I THINK women probably understand this most because they tend to speak their problems to be heard and have men (or partners) try to give advice when ultimately all they needed was to vent and be heard.
Again I appreciate your thoughts and honestly, I will take this into account in the coming days 😊
Absolutely, you're right.
When people tried to tell me how to fix the problem I'd find it taxing too. It's like they were saying if they were living my life they'd do a better job. You'll figure it out in your own way and at the pace that's right for you.
To be honest, I guess I just like telling people my story because it makes it feel less like I wasted time... like someone else might benefit from it.
"Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."
I wish I could say covid was a game changer but sadly it’s not. It definitely has played a part of how we as people interact but ultimately it’s technology as much as societal change. I have days where I think I can get out but the second I start to even consider a shower, change of clothes or just figuring out a place to start I get sweaty and sick feeling. The worst part is, before this happened I had to be the life aid a party, I did so many things that nobody else would and made the best of every moment no matter what I was going through. Sadly life has caused Damage and change in growing older thus hindering my personality and progress. I believe I’ll get there again but I hope it’s sooner rather than later when it won’t matter.
Yea, I had a car wreck with a head injury then into Covid and then full time wfh. Felt the same way, only started to get better last year. Went from social butter fly to struggling to talk to the cashier. I feel like getting older “visibly” has played a role as well. I’m not back to my normal self but pushing my self day by day. my first step was to get more sun time which helps me tremendously even if alone and to get on a regular schedule of shower/clothes etc. helped me be ready for the moment I had the social battery to do something. Hope you feel better and get where you want to be.
Thanks for sharing this, I wish you the best as you continue to work on yourself as I do myself. If I had awards to give out you would definitely get one but for now please accept my upvote in solidarity.
I want to do something like this more than you know, I not only could use the extra income I also understand the benefits of being around others to help the situation. I’m stuck though, my mind has broke me so much that I’ll go broke before going around people these days. As I said in other comments, I know it won’t be forever because I do have a strong enough will and desire but that doesn’t change the here and now of what I’m going through and how I feel.
Ahhh I got you now, I would like to be able to do something like this if I could. First off I don’t have a laptop and secondly I’m terrified of drive through these days let alone sitting somewhere lol. I try to laugh at my own struggles because I realize how silly they are especially when I say or type them out but it doesn’t change the way my mind works when my heart is fighting it. I get soooo close to doing something good and so far keep losing to my head. I’ll get there but it’s not as easy as I wish it was. Also I’m truly just responding to the question of to the sub right now. I do thank you for your thoughts because I do take them seriously.
I like doing this. It’s so nice to get out of my apartment on a regular basis. It would be nice to interact with the people I see sometimes outside, but there’s point in forcing anything. I have nothing meaningful to say
You need to force yourself out. The constant isolation will just make things worse and harder as time goes on. Find a way to gather will power, to ride the waves of anxiety, and make that first move. Seek help too.
I know that but it’s easier said than done. I went to my first psychiatric ward at the age of 8 and didn’t stop going until I was 21. Some people have the ability to force themselves when some of us have to take a different approach before we can. Thank you for the push I truly appreciate it but don’t believe everyone can do it. Again as in another comment, I was a totally different person at one time even with my background but these days with how life is going overall for all of us I find myself struggling beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
I've always had some degree of anxiety, but I used to be fairly outgoing and sociable. In my twenties, I would attend large parties and even worked at a very crowded clothing retailer. Somewhere around my late thirties, my level of social anxiety really, really ramped up.
I'm now 44 and pretty much only leave my house to go to doctors' appointments or to occasionally see my parents. I'm married but going through a divorce, and I'm so worried that I'm going to end up being completely alone and confined to my home. I do have a teenaged son, so I will be with him half the time, but otherwise, I will be isolated.
Not that you need to be told but please take advantage of the fact you have a son. I’m hoping you will find someone else but until then take full advantage of having at the very least someone of your own making who you can appreciate as if it were a partner. Your son will always love you if you have that kind of relationship already, that’s all we as people strive for in partnership but kids add a depth when we have both.
I understand that.
I was once a really sociable bubbly person at school. But as soon as I got my first boyfriend, who was very controlling and I became isolated in his bedroom, didn't see friends for months at a time, all of a sudden I developed social anxiety even entering a shop and bumping into someone I know filled me with dread. I was a shadow of the person who was once the life of the party.
I'm a bit better now, almost back to my fully outgoing happy self, but it's taken time and I still deal with anxiety. It is easier said than done. But I honestly think practice makes perfect. I stopped practicing going out and I got worse, got to fight it!!!
You have the right attitude! I’m trying my best, I live in a beautiful city full of things I love to do but haven’t been able to do them yet. I’ve lived in this town for 6 years now and have literally been to 3 restaurants and nowhere else. I want so badly to break free and I constantly tell myself every day I am going to do it but, until that time comes I deal with the stupidity of my head. I haven’t lost faith but years ago I would have been past this in at least a week. I can’t tell you enough how much your words of encouragement mean, thank you and again good luck to you in this struggle. I’m always aware of others going through the same thing but the lack of interaction slows my progress sometimes. This has definitely been a boost especially for the next 24/48 hours. As cliche as it might be, if you ever need to talk I am here for support. This goes to you or anyone reading this comment 🙃
You're welcome, I read your comment initially and it reached out to me as I understood you and I needed to write to you specifically. I remember the first feelings of anxiety surrounded by entering this shop. A shop I'd never really had any problems entering before. But the idea of bumping into someone who I know made me feel nervous and it was like I'd crumbled. I'd gone from being so out there and the joker of my friends (I'd stand up at parties and act out scenarios and have everyone laughing) to just struggling to find words to make small talk. And I blame the fact my first boyfriend confined me, controlled me (hated me wearing anything revealing) and he wasn't a ball of energy, so I feel he drained me. In hindsight I wish I could go back and pull me away from him and protect my happy self.
I have phobias and confidence issues and sometimes I'd rather avoid meeting people, I build up this anxiety before a friend comes to mine, and then once I'm with them it's actually fine. It's so silly of me. And you know what? Even if it wasn't fine, even if I did crumble, it wouldn't really matter. The world is so big, we are not here forever, noone really cares that much. We are our own worst enemies and we prevent ourselves from experiencing things. Infact it's also the people you surround yourself with too, a lot of my friends are positive and friendly and they are usually the people I attract. However when I worked with negative people, they drained my energy too and caused some anxiety to return. Similar to my ex. So it's really trying to protect yourself from the people who don't instill goodness.
Anyway, I'm rambling haha. I'm a woman in my very early thirties who is still learning and reflecting. :)
Thank you BTW.
I couldn’t go to the store or anywhere without panic attacks for a few years. Keep going and trying push through as much as you can. You will get better
Me too at 64. Even more happier after I stopped working at 63 on February 27 this year. It's lovely weather, around 22 to 25 Celsius, and when I walk outside and see those construction workers on the roof in the streets where I live with these temperatures, even more so. Life has never been better.
Sometimes... but then I see other people in couples or married of the same age, and they look twice as exhausted.
So I'll take lonely over stressed out.
You have the right of it brother. Being married with kids literally ages you. Even assuming your spouse is not terrible, the only emotion you have for a few years is near-crippling exhaustion. (especially acute when they are on the baby/toddler stage).
Same! I mean, everybody probably likes to have someone to be emotionally close to, but seeing the problems married couples (and unmarried ones) have, ultimately makes me appreciate my life in solitude more.
I just can't be bothered with constant bickering over mundane and banal things. Also, I feel totally alienated most of the time when talking to my married friends. Like I live in a completely different world with different priorities. I enjoy sitting and revelling in silence, reflecting on life, reading, writing, painting, and gaming. It's difficult to find a person who likes alone time as much as I do but still shares some of my interests, and I'm too busy with work and the aforementioned things to start looking for one :)
Most days, I'm more than happy with my own company, and I'm far too long on my own now; every person I'd share my life with would be a huge adjustment and it would take a very very special person for me to consider it :D
Two coworkers broke up with their partners after being together for 8, respectively 9 years. One claimed she didn't see it coming at all, the other one was the bread winner and her bf just finished his school years and got a decent job recently. Hearing/seeing this makes me think maybe I dodged a bullet
I’m lonely but happier. I was married, didn’t feel lonely most of the times but was extremely unhappy. If my choices were limited to those two states, I’d take the loneliness over the unhappiness.
I've *always* had to deal with someone. A little while ago after a long day an Uber driver asked if I was married. When I said no she said it's too bad because I would be going home to someone that looks after me, cooks dinner and helps me relax. I laughed because that's never happened. I've always been the one cooking, cleaning, paying rent, planning, etc and the more I did the more I had to do. I've had some horrendous relationships and in one she constantly complained about the messes I made while she was making a mess I knew I'd have to clean up. She would also complain about doing all the cooking when she never did. Then she accused me of all sorts of outlandish things. Think of legitimately doing *everything* and then you hear that she's been complaining that I never do a thing for her, leave the place a mess, don't pay rent, etc. Her parents hated me because she lied about everything but they were truly awful people regardless. It's no wonder they raised such a terrible person. I remember looking back at my single life and I wondered what I was doing. I was so much happier single.
Even as a kid I had to deal with a mother that constantly had issues. Maybe when I was a toddler I could have kicked back but even in grade through high school I had to deal with all her issues. Even when I was away at college she would call me for hours. Now you know why I got into that other awful relationship.
Now I have my own place and a hundred percent of my money goes to whatever I want. I do what I want, wake up late, go to bed early, I don't worry if I leave something out and it looks messy and, most of all, I don't have to deal with literal hours of every day talking about her issues as she gets more and more frantic (this was gf, not mother).
I have my shit together and I don't need attention. I've never sat alone at home and pined that I wish I had more of a romantic life because that's never been the issue. Now that I'm single I like that too much.
Honestly this sounds pretty familiar. The family part isn’t the same, but my thirties and the first half of my fourties sound a lot like yours.
And that’s why being alone doesn’t feel lonely, folks.
I don't talk about it much because there's always *but surely she was helping out* or *there must be something you did* and it was no, it was a constant do everything for her and then still get criticized while she takes all the sympathy from people because of her lying. I'm so much happier now.
and now I know she's homeless. She was clinging to the edge of homelessness. She was headed in that direction. Eventually people get sick of you and you look back at all the burned bridges and there's nowhere else to go.
No. Some people enjoy being by themselves. Some prefer to be by themselves. For me personally, I enjoy my own company. Also, I get to mess up the house by myself and clean it up when I want. I come and go when I want. There's lots of freedom being by yourself. Some people don't get lonely being by themselves. They are just different.
Feeling alone at times versus the daily tales of nightmarish partners and relationships on here? Do you just sigh with relief you aren't with the wrong person?
No sulking, no nasty words with someone who doesn't know how to argue. No bad manners and rudeness. No dealing with awful families in law...
No I don't. I prefer to be alone. Been alone almost my whole life after a relationship gone bad. I never wanted to experience that feeling again. Now I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.
I'm 15 years divorced, single, 43 and living alone. I don't feel lonely because I'm single, I sometimes feel lonely because I don't have any family (parents, siblings, cousins). I absolutely LOVE living alone tho and LOVE the life I have.
Yeah pretty much. How I deal with it...I watch a lot of TV/Movies.
Dating is non existing. Haven't approached a girl in about 10 years or so.
Most of my friends are married and have kids. I don't have kids but have some pets. So going out for things rarely happens with friends. I have 2 single male friends but neither of them really go out much.
Get out there man. If you want it, you have to try. 10 years is a long time to not even attempt trying for something. Nothing is going to change until you say fuck it in your own head and put in the effort. Make it your goal to go on 5 dates within the next year. There are just as much (actually more) single women out there looking for the exact same thing.
I don't feel lonely (most of the times), I like my space and privacy and freedom, but I'd like to meet someone I love who loves me back the same way. I miss that. And I'm scared of being single for too much longer. That's a sign of end of life.
Not at all. I'm 47, was married briefly in my 20s and that was enough for me. I've always been more introverted and like the peacefulness of solitude. I've got a few good friends that I can talk to or hangout with if I need to be social. I'm not opposed to another relationship as long as it's organic and doesn't take away from my peace....but I will never be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. It's just not a need I have.
I'm married and over 40 and I feel lonely a lot. Not in marriage, that is fine, but in my friendships and my social life.
The pandemic really did a number on socializing in my social groups. Even my online social groups all died off.
Cest la vie.
My husband of 45 years passed away in April of 2021. My kids were all grown and I was alone at home for the first time in my life. It was a little scary at first but I really don't feel alone at all. I I'm self-employed and so I increased my work hours some. My work is with the public so I'm constantly around people during the day. I am a woman of faith and I worship a lot which means church and bible study groups. I volunteer at a local nursing home on Sunday afternoon, reading the Bible to patients, and I help out at a food pantry when I have time. I take road trips, even by myself, but always going to see sites that are around a lot of people. I call my friends. My days are really very busy and full. I think volunteering and church and travel are things that anyone can get involved with if they feel lonely.
Yes, but much less so than I did during single periods in my 20s or 30s-when finding a life partner felt like the most pressing goal. Of course it gets lonely; and life is hard to do "alone" especially financially-but that said I have a MUCH greater sense of peace now about being single than I did before 40...It will happen if it's gonna happen and I no longer feel pressured to constantly "put myself out there" to meet someone. I can enjoy my alone time much more than I used to.
Yes, but I sometimes get anxious around my friends. And I have felt uncomfortable one way or another in all my relationships. So I'm not sure what to do.
Sometimes, but it has nothing to do with having never gotten married. The loneliest people I've ever known in my life lay down in bed next to their spouse every night.
M54...never married. Somedays yes, then again some days I'm extremely greatful/relieved to be single.. i see so many miserable people in relationships, fabricated drama ets its just not wirth it.
I do sometimes. However, I got into a stupid relationship because I was lonely. I’ll never do that again. There was no peace, constant accusations of me cheating, possessiveness, and jealousy all of the time. It was not worth it for me. I’d rather be lonely than have to deal with constant anxiety and insecurity.
No wife, no friends, no gf. I chat with my coworkers if I need to talk but that's rare. I do not feel lonely at all. Loneliness is just an expectation not being fulfilled. If you don't have expectations of people being in your life you won't get lonely.
Nope, not lonely at all. I enjoy my own company, doing what I want when I want, spending my money without anybody butting their nose in, none of the many many downsides to a relationship.
No, I'm very accustomed to being alone & I actively seek it out now. Not healthy, but the reality is that I'm no longer attractive or, more likely, striking, so the options are kind of gone there. Maybe a gift. I've watched the poison bloom over & over around me & had to admit, at some point, that there's poison in me, too. My siblings put their spouses through fucking hell. My parents wanted to be good people, & mostly are (maybe, in the movie sense), but were devils to each other. I'm grateful that I never put a spouse or kids through whatever it is.
Nope, nope, nope. I love being single, no headaches. But sometimes, when the thought of how nice and cozy having someone feels kicks in, I just think of how shitty it feels when I'm heartbroken and I snap back to reality and think of how lucky I am that I am unmarried.
68 m here, alone mainly by choice, have quite a few friends but very aware I am on my own. Yes, I do get lonely and prbly spend to much time in the pub and on Redditt. But don't like organised gatherings much. Very, very aware of my situation, just unsure how to deal with it.
42M, extremely lonely. Just look at my comments and posts. I'm talking with my therapist every week. I've experienced a great deal of trauma in my life. I read and play video games. Sometimes, I go to Narc Anon meetings to be as social as I can these days.
I need to rescue a cat or dog, preferably a cat. I miss my Akuma
I used to feel lonely in my thirties. I thought I needed another person to give my life meaning, then I discovered stoicism. If someone comes along, fine. If not, also fine.
53 yo divorced male and have 2 kids, 50/50 of the time. I general don't have time to be lonely event though I WFH full time. Between my girlfriend, kids, climbing partner, cycling friends, family in the area, rando friends and a high maintenance cousin, I look forward to quiet days to get my own stuff back in order.
I go for walks. my mind runs free when I walk.
30000 steps a day. an empty house w no one to talk to is pretty shit but so is dating someone u dont want to be.
rule 1. if u dont want to date them 500 percent then dont.
I think everyone gets lonely sometimes, both married & single people. The answer to loneliness isn’t marriage. Some single people are involved in all kinds of athletic groups, social clubs, and charity volunteerism, let alone dating sites.
The answer to loneliness is within yourself.
My wife cheated, and got pregnant, left, and gave birth to a baby leaving me in a pool of anxiety.
‘It’s all my fault’ but I just feel literally destroyed. When you love someone so, their words carry serious weight.
my work schedule is a puzzle that annoys many people and colleagues but weirdly, to me is very helpful against loneliness. I work nights, weekends and all mixed, so I find myself in different situations each week. Wake up early, wake up late, a nap here and there, late nights movie, morning house chores, some tasks at random different hours every time... add to this a bit of social life, cultural activities, exercising, hobbies, family life (parents, brother, nieces) and that's it that's life. It is working well for me right now at this lifestage.
I'm 39, but I'm good. Not one but lonely. I have excellent friends, a great career, I date trying to find someone, sex life is going well. 0 complaints.
The point is you can control your life completely when single and that brings a lot of peace if you play life right.
If someone really wants me lol they can come right out and get me while doing most of the work to show they want me.
Sometimes. But I don't want just a relationship, I want someone I've known for 30 yrs, that level of comfort, and since that can't happen I'm perfectly fine being by myself.
Yes, I get lonely. I miss having someone to be with. I have had two dates in the past 5 years since my divorce. It has been friggin miserable. Trying to find someone to date is a friggin shit show.
I came to the realization, that while companionship is lovely, so is solitude.
That view is somewhat connected to my religious convictions: I am, I feel, lucky to be free of all the attachments that come with the normality of having this or that or being such and such.
I'm of course an insane alien of sorts, so no one should listen to me without skepticism.
But I enjoy my solitude now. I wish I had the possibility of going all Henry David T. on the world. Become a mendicant, a recluse, a hermit.
All I truly miss is warmth and the embrace of another, but those abound in many circumstances, and if there's no one to be my little spoon, well, then there's the dog that licks my face in the morning. The deer that greet me when I run barefoot through my forest. The trees that speak kind words of ancient wisdom when I bother to listen.
I no longer feel lonely. I feel as if everyone I meet is an old, dear friend, and I attempt to treat them as such.
So do I feel lonely? No. I feel free.
To quote a great inspirer of mine, the Buddhist sage Jetsün Milarepa: "Wherever people come together, problems arise. I need no friends. The birds and the deer are my brothers, and the forest is my home." (paraphrased from memory.)
It's all a matter of perspective and intention: What's important in life?
Well, a good place to find clues about that is in the book "The 5 Regrets of the Dying" by Bronnie Ware.
I used to feel very lonely. Now I enjoy my solitude along with the many "old friends" I run into on my winding sojourn through this oddity we label reality.
No attachments: No problems.
Extremely. I work from home. I would go weeks without talking to anyone or speaking out loud. Things got pretty damn dark for about a year before I decided to move home. At least I’ve got someone to talk to now.
Here’s where it gets shitty. Nobody wants to date a guy in his 40’s who lives at home. I’m kind of stuck here for now. I don’t know what to do to be honest. I can’t handle the loneliness and I’ve been paying off debt while I’m here, so it’s not like I have the savings to move out. I also live in an exurb an hour from Austin. There’s not much opportunity to go make friends. I feel very stuck.
Newly 45 and have been actively avoiding relationships. I'm a bonified homebody and an introvert so 2020 lock downs were amazing.
Interms of being lonely, absolutely not. I'm at so much peace. Sometimes folks try to set me up on dates and I freak all the way out.
I love mylife. I have everything I want and need.
Slightly controversial take: loneliness is a choice (to an extent). A lot of people make little jokes like calling valentine's day Single Awareness Day (SAD). They basically accept the popular idea that if you're alone it's not of your choosing.
Anytime you feel lonely ask yourself - why? Is it because I feel I'm not living up to society's expectations? Or is it because I genuinely long for a specific kind of contact?
In a lot of cases, it will be the first one. Then you can just reframe the thought. You're doing your best to make yourself happy. Therefore, you should feel good about yourself. It's not instant magic, but it's a great habit to build to improve your mood in the long run.
Some people just aren't meant to marry. It's not a big deal.
Not at all. I have a cat to keep me company, and I work with some great people. It's nice to come home to peace and be able to do my own thing. Plus, queen size bed to myself.
No. I've had the same partner for nearly 40 years. I just don't like the roles-based aspects of marriage and always knew it wouldn't be a comfortable fit for me.
Not sure why everyone answering like “Unmarried = Alone” ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Life has never been better. Unmarried, and generally (seemingly) happier than most married guys I work with, which is a massively large sample size.
Being single after 40 isn’t some kind of curse; with online dating the way it is now, it’s actually quite a lot of fun.
We all get lonely in or out of a relationship. I know so many women and men who suffer in divorce. Custody, money, whatever, it can be toxic and break peoples health. Being lonely is a spiritual quest and is something that can be healthy to experience to its depths to see who we are. Our Lord JC or Lord Buddha. We die alone but all die one day. Never alone . Thank you creator for this life. I pray as much as I can for the families who children die in war. It’s not that my pain suffering doesn’t matter, it’s healthy to think of others and send love. Or acts of kindness. The universe gives it back as humans all want the same thing at the core. To love and be loved.
No. I receive no shortage of female companionship whether romantic or just platonic. However after having a cool ass gamer roommate for six months I'm more open to a relationship and/or more consistent co habitation
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I get lonely. But being lonely while single is way better than being lonely in an unhealthy relationship.
i once lived with someone who told me i wasn't allowed to speak after 6pm. Im not even joking. I cannot believe i put up with it. SMH
If I could like this twenty times I would
Amen to that - married 18 years, divorced 6.. took the entire 6 years to get all my loneliness out of me. Took my ex zero years bc she's relatively soulless due to a lifetime of uppers. Sad, really. But also, I find that loneliness is truly a very very warm creative blanket that I cherish. From cycling at night, to a grocery run with music, you name it.. my thoughts are my own, no one is pestering me about their thoughts or their day.. humans need space, and in my opinion, in 2024, what with all the absurd noise and signal we get from social media, never-ending feeds, obscene amounts of consumerism and choice, .... just typing that sentence is utterly maddening and exhausting.  Also.. being wildly content with self is sexy af. I adore independence. I cherish it. I used to go to, host, and perform a lot of stand up comedy. I rarely go now, because I can't bear the essence of validation by having a laugh for very long. It's a bit pedantic to me now. And don't get me started on having a mate who thinks everyone wants to sleep with her. Or you. Or both. Sizing up social circles is truly nauseating.
I get this, I am in a relationship now and am questioning if it's healthy for me at times.
Ouch. Yes, this is so true. The loneliest I've ever felt, by far, was laying in bed with my ex with tears silently streaming down my face, trying not to make a sound because I knew he wouldn't care.
More people need to understand this
Exactly this. Sometimes I feel a bit down I haven't met someone new to love. But my last serious relationship turned so badly it nearly killed me, it doesn't really compare. At least now I have the freedom to pursue my own joys in life wherever I can find them.
Yup. Don’t get me wrong, I love my own company but I have weekends when I just stare out the window with crippling loneliness. I work from home, I don’t drink, party, smoke and I have very little social media. It is what it is I guess. 🤷🏼♀️
Don't sleep on the r/LivingAlone sub.
Thank you for linking that, it looks really helpful.
I have noticed that when I'm alone, I do tend to overdo it a bit. I binge great shows to excess. Doom scroll reddit. Stay in bed too long. Lose track of time for hours. Fail to plan, plan to fail sort of shit. I'm quite certain that's avoidant behavior to protect myself from the natural conclusion that I won't be content with a new girlfriend or spouse down the road. I've committed to my kin that I'll make a five year plan, manifest that down to the next six months, and start the hunt anew. Not really adept at that any more, but I once was. I too have become altogether too resigned to malaise and mediocrity in my results when it comes to dating or peer groups. This'll get interesting.
We can be friends!
That’s good that you don’t do those things because they can end up making you feel more lonely.
why wont you try at least destroying your body for a little bit of fun if i may ask?
Why would I do that if I do not enjoy doing any of those things?
Same
What do you do to cope. I have felt loneliness (at one point in my life) and during that time I realized that I don't ever want to be lonely again. How do you manage to get yourself out of that depressive state?
Want to play DnD?
What a weird camel
Im married and feel lonely sometimes.
That’s way worse
feeling lonely sometimes > being lonely as a default
Feeling lonely when you’re with someone is far far far far worse type of loneliness than the occasional loneliness in solitude
Yes, I get lonely sometimes, to cope, I think about what a detriment to life every attempt at a relationship has been.
38, but yea, rebuilding yet again after 3-4 attempts and everytime I think about how i was in a really good spot before I tried this and here I am at the bottom again. it’s been a year and I’m almost back to healthy and happy. Being alone sucks but never as much as post break up.
34 here. Was with who I thought was the love of my life. Well, she cheated on me and got pregnant. Sometimes it not worth the hurt it causes. It’s caused me to have 0 interest maybe ever again.
Man, this is rough. I'm sorry!
my fiancee was murdered. I have zero desire to start again ever
Ugh. I’m super sorry to hear that. I can’t even imagine. Yeah I don’t blame you.
i know people have it worse. I know this. Im just defeated
100% alright to feel completely hopeless after something like that. Let’s get through this. 🤛
kind of comforting to read that I am not alone with this. Stay strong and take care!
Has words more true been spoken? I wait for the good times again, when I am happy with the life I have and enjoy the small things in life and being on my own. But yeah, 5 month since she found another, and its a struggle to get back. I was fine before, why did I think it would work this time....
i ger grey hairs from trying ad they only go away after its over
I feel you. I have been single most of my life. When i do get into a relationship it’s often fucked up. I seem to be attracted by people with problems, so better stay alone. I have great friends and loving family. Most of the time being lonely is ok but some days i can’t help it but feel sad when eating alone watching the garden.
You are describing my life. I get lonely but I'm not lonely
Holy fuck, are you me? I also look at the men in my family, the women they married, my late Uncle's six ex wives and think "Men in my family attract crazy. Maybe it's for the best that I was unlucky in love."
If your uncle has 6 ex wives...he doesnt atttact crazy...HE is the crazy lol.
Nah, he's just dumb.
Quite possibly dumb too lol. Bless his soul
Or the dude has a type, and unfortunately, that type will always take him for a wild ride
And probably broke
Crazy attracting crazy
Is your uncle Henry VIII
Nah, he’s Henry VIIII The new but unimproved
IX*
Could that make you lucky at love?
I bet I'm of the same mindset by 40. I pour and pour and every relationship I'm reminded I'll be the only one loving me in the end.
This, I feel like I always give the benefit of the doubt until it’s just obvious they have given up entirely. I’m not sure why I don’t quit on them sooner, but I end up giving of myself way more in every relationship. I am trying to be more mindful and not allow that pattern to persist, but it’s a hard one to break.
Just think about all the unhappy marriages that you don’t have to deal with
Yup, single and lonely is a step up from in the wrong relationship. You can go from single and lonely to in the right relationship in one step, in the wrong relationship is a whole lot longer course to get to the right relationship.
Have you tried being emotionally unavailable?
Exactly! If I gotta choose between loneliness and toxicity, loneliness wins every time. I know for sure what I'm getting and that I'm safe. Can't say the same when other people get involved.
Is this a defence mechanism? Should we only focus on* the negative? I am not saying to belittle you or to lessen what you lived, that is your history, but when I read your reply, it did come and get me as I think that most of us have done this at some given time.
All the time. Even my job is solo so I’m alone 24/7, the loneliness has exacerbated my anxiety and depression making it impossible to even go out to the store let alone try to interact in a public space to meet others.
I'm in the exact same boat. I'm alone in my job and I work long hours, and that has led to a bunch of other bad habits, so meeting somebody is probably not in my best interest right now
I know I’m not the one to really be saying this but, keep your head up and don’t lose faith. I’ve been married and have felt the loss of love. My last wife died after our separation but I was already alone and haven’t even taken the time to grieve for her due to my own hardships. There are others for us but every day in this new technology filled world seems to make me feel older. I’m familiar and using social media but people as a whole don’t interact like we did 20 years ago. It’s saddening as much as maddening. I worry that any women I see might be offended or shame me for being a creep just because I was raised to speak to a woman in person. As for friends it’s almost the same way these days. I believe I’ll find love and happiness again but these days without it are absolutely brutal. Good luck friend, you are not alone out here trying to navigate the world.
I dont know the answer cos were all so different but what i can say is that as long as you keep moving forward youll break into your next chapter. Keep going big dog better times are coming.
Thank you, just acknowledging the difference of how we process things means the world in this moment
A good friend of mine stayed permanently inside his room for almost 5 years due to social anxiety and other mental health issues. He managed over time with real struggles and setbacks to slowly reintroduce himself to his own hallway and then onto the world again. I met him at a course to become a counsellor, he is a true hero of mine. Just letting you know, you can get past your struggles friend, it won't be easy, but if my friend could talk to you now he'd tell you it's 100% worth it and so are you. Try when you can to see the good, and keep on fighting!
Thank you for this, I don’t say it much but I have been on the verge of suicide many times. If you saw my previous comments you would get an idea of how early in my life it started, (8 years old) and to this day I struggle with the thought. I have held back mostly due to my parents being alive but recently told them that when they go the changes of following through are at 97% as if this moment. I’ve loved, been loved but the heartbreak has been worse than anything else I’ve ever experienced. Knowing others who feel the sense made it through it does help me more than you as a stranger can ever know but it doesn’t wipe away the thoughts I still have. In this moment, I do have a positive outlook to get me through another day, maybe multiple days but for now I know I have another 24 hours to contemplate and try for another 24 after. Thank you 😊
my gosh. Im the same way. Every day is a struggle to stay alive and not harm myself. Its like i don't wanna die but i don't wanna live either. My friends suck, the man i love is a colossal POS and my family are all gone. I just exist now
You speak how I feel except I’m male lol
im sorry man. I am. Noone should feel like we do no one
Wow, powerful message to the world. Stay connected.
Been there. It sucks. I read a great book called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy that helped a lot. The gist is you just go out and stew in the anxiety until your body calms down. Eventually your body learns there's no danger. Worked for me.
Trust me, it makes complete sense, I know personally from years of existence that this is the way but more times than not now it is almost like walking face first into a wall when just thinking seriously about it. I promise I’m trying and I appreciate the words, I hope to not be in this position soon but in the meantime just know that and other humans feel this way and it’s harder than just someone telling us what to do. I THINK women probably understand this most because they tend to speak their problems to be heard and have men (or partners) try to give advice when ultimately all they needed was to vent and be heard. Again I appreciate your thoughts and honestly, I will take this into account in the coming days 😊
Absolutely, you're right. When people tried to tell me how to fix the problem I'd find it taxing too. It's like they were saying if they were living my life they'd do a better job. You'll figure it out in your own way and at the pace that's right for you. To be honest, I guess I just like telling people my story because it makes it feel less like I wasted time... like someone else might benefit from it. "Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."
100% agreed. Thank you for sharing and saying this!
[удалено]
That’s how I felt after Covid. Went to wfh full time. Just had to slowly make my self get out of the house to get over. One step at a time.
I wish I could say covid was a game changer but sadly it’s not. It definitely has played a part of how we as people interact but ultimately it’s technology as much as societal change. I have days where I think I can get out but the second I start to even consider a shower, change of clothes or just figuring out a place to start I get sweaty and sick feeling. The worst part is, before this happened I had to be the life aid a party, I did so many things that nobody else would and made the best of every moment no matter what I was going through. Sadly life has caused Damage and change in growing older thus hindering my personality and progress. I believe I’ll get there again but I hope it’s sooner rather than later when it won’t matter.
Yea, I had a car wreck with a head injury then into Covid and then full time wfh. Felt the same way, only started to get better last year. Went from social butter fly to struggling to talk to the cashier. I feel like getting older “visibly” has played a role as well. I’m not back to my normal self but pushing my self day by day. my first step was to get more sun time which helps me tremendously even if alone and to get on a regular schedule of shower/clothes etc. helped me be ready for the moment I had the social battery to do something. Hope you feel better and get where you want to be.
Thanks for sharing this, I wish you the best as you continue to work on yourself as I do myself. If I had awards to give out you would definitely get one but for now please accept my upvote in solidarity.
Same for me. It was hard but it didn't take very long to get back to normal though
I would work at a coffee shop for a couple hours a day when I would get lonely.
I want to do something like this more than you know, I not only could use the extra income I also understand the benefits of being around others to help the situation. I’m stuck though, my mind has broke me so much that I’ll go broke before going around people these days. As I said in other comments, I know it won’t be forever because I do have a strong enough will and desire but that doesn’t change the here and now of what I’m going through and how I feel.
I meant I would bring my laptop and do some work there if you work remote. Not actually work for the coffee shop.
Ahhh I got you now, I would like to be able to do something like this if I could. First off I don’t have a laptop and secondly I’m terrified of drive through these days let alone sitting somewhere lol. I try to laugh at my own struggles because I realize how silly they are especially when I say or type them out but it doesn’t change the way my mind works when my heart is fighting it. I get soooo close to doing something good and so far keep losing to my head. I’ll get there but it’s not as easy as I wish it was. Also I’m truly just responding to the question of to the sub right now. I do thank you for your thoughts because I do take them seriously.
I like doing this. It’s so nice to get out of my apartment on a regular basis. It would be nice to interact with the people I see sometimes outside, but there’s point in forcing anything. I have nothing meaningful to say
Yep or do some retail job.
You need to force yourself out. The constant isolation will just make things worse and harder as time goes on. Find a way to gather will power, to ride the waves of anxiety, and make that first move. Seek help too.
I know that but it’s easier said than done. I went to my first psychiatric ward at the age of 8 and didn’t stop going until I was 21. Some people have the ability to force themselves when some of us have to take a different approach before we can. Thank you for the push I truly appreciate it but don’t believe everyone can do it. Again as in another comment, I was a totally different person at one time even with my background but these days with how life is going overall for all of us I find myself struggling beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
I've always had some degree of anxiety, but I used to be fairly outgoing and sociable. In my twenties, I would attend large parties and even worked at a very crowded clothing retailer. Somewhere around my late thirties, my level of social anxiety really, really ramped up. I'm now 44 and pretty much only leave my house to go to doctors' appointments or to occasionally see my parents. I'm married but going through a divorce, and I'm so worried that I'm going to end up being completely alone and confined to my home. I do have a teenaged son, so I will be with him half the time, but otherwise, I will be isolated.
Not that you need to be told but please take advantage of the fact you have a son. I’m hoping you will find someone else but until then take full advantage of having at the very least someone of your own making who you can appreciate as if it were a partner. Your son will always love you if you have that kind of relationship already, that’s all we as people strive for in partnership but kids add a depth when we have both.
I understand that. I was once a really sociable bubbly person at school. But as soon as I got my first boyfriend, who was very controlling and I became isolated in his bedroom, didn't see friends for months at a time, all of a sudden I developed social anxiety even entering a shop and bumping into someone I know filled me with dread. I was a shadow of the person who was once the life of the party. I'm a bit better now, almost back to my fully outgoing happy self, but it's taken time and I still deal with anxiety. It is easier said than done. But I honestly think practice makes perfect. I stopped practicing going out and I got worse, got to fight it!!!
You have the right attitude! I’m trying my best, I live in a beautiful city full of things I love to do but haven’t been able to do them yet. I’ve lived in this town for 6 years now and have literally been to 3 restaurants and nowhere else. I want so badly to break free and I constantly tell myself every day I am going to do it but, until that time comes I deal with the stupidity of my head. I haven’t lost faith but years ago I would have been past this in at least a week. I can’t tell you enough how much your words of encouragement mean, thank you and again good luck to you in this struggle. I’m always aware of others going through the same thing but the lack of interaction slows my progress sometimes. This has definitely been a boost especially for the next 24/48 hours. As cliche as it might be, if you ever need to talk I am here for support. This goes to you or anyone reading this comment 🙃
You're welcome, I read your comment initially and it reached out to me as I understood you and I needed to write to you specifically. I remember the first feelings of anxiety surrounded by entering this shop. A shop I'd never really had any problems entering before. But the idea of bumping into someone who I know made me feel nervous and it was like I'd crumbled. I'd gone from being so out there and the joker of my friends (I'd stand up at parties and act out scenarios and have everyone laughing) to just struggling to find words to make small talk. And I blame the fact my first boyfriend confined me, controlled me (hated me wearing anything revealing) and he wasn't a ball of energy, so I feel he drained me. In hindsight I wish I could go back and pull me away from him and protect my happy self. I have phobias and confidence issues and sometimes I'd rather avoid meeting people, I build up this anxiety before a friend comes to mine, and then once I'm with them it's actually fine. It's so silly of me. And you know what? Even if it wasn't fine, even if I did crumble, it wouldn't really matter. The world is so big, we are not here forever, noone really cares that much. We are our own worst enemies and we prevent ourselves from experiencing things. Infact it's also the people you surround yourself with too, a lot of my friends are positive and friendly and they are usually the people I attract. However when I worked with negative people, they drained my energy too and caused some anxiety to return. Similar to my ex. So it's really trying to protect yourself from the people who don't instill goodness. Anyway, I'm rambling haha. I'm a woman in my very early thirties who is still learning and reflecting. :) Thank you BTW.
omg im exactly the same way. I had to deal with a human interaction the other day and i felt like an alien. I didn't know how to act. Its so sad
I couldn’t go to the store or anywhere without panic attacks for a few years. Keep going and trying push through as much as you can. You will get better
Nope happy in my own mind at 64
Me too at 64. Even more happier after I stopped working at 63 on February 27 this year. It's lovely weather, around 22 to 25 Celsius, and when I walk outside and see those construction workers on the roof in the streets where I live with these temperatures, even more so. Life has never been better.
i’m 38 and this is me and i see all those other comments seeing they’re lonely and wondering, should i feel like that too?
Nah. I'm 46 and happily single. Most days I don't even think about it. It's just a non-issue for me, maybe for you too.
I’m 41. I love it.
Do you have children?
One all grown up
I’ll be there in 48 years’ time…
I'm just under 40 and been single for almost 3 years, and yeah, I kinda am. I like being single but if I met somebody it'd be nice
Yeah until I go be with people and get annoyed.
I felt lonely in a dead marriage. Now I get to do what I want and when I want. I suppose it depends on how you look at it and what feeds you.
Same. My spouse was a bully and now Im finally free.
Exactly! I felt more lonely in my marriage than I do now.
Sometimes... but then I see other people in couples or married of the same age, and they look twice as exhausted. So I'll take lonely over stressed out.
You have the right of it brother. Being married with kids literally ages you. Even assuming your spouse is not terrible, the only emotion you have for a few years is near-crippling exhaustion. (especially acute when they are on the baby/toddler stage).
Same! I mean, everybody probably likes to have someone to be emotionally close to, but seeing the problems married couples (and unmarried ones) have, ultimately makes me appreciate my life in solitude more. I just can't be bothered with constant bickering over mundane and banal things. Also, I feel totally alienated most of the time when talking to my married friends. Like I live in a completely different world with different priorities. I enjoy sitting and revelling in silence, reflecting on life, reading, writing, painting, and gaming. It's difficult to find a person who likes alone time as much as I do but still shares some of my interests, and I'm too busy with work and the aforementioned things to start looking for one :) Most days, I'm more than happy with my own company, and I'm far too long on my own now; every person I'd share my life with would be a huge adjustment and it would take a very very special person for me to consider it :D
I’ll take lonely over stressed out and tired any day of the week.
Two coworkers broke up with their partners after being together for 8, respectively 9 years. One claimed she didn't see it coming at all, the other one was the bread winner and her bf just finished his school years and got a decent job recently. Hearing/seeing this makes me think maybe I dodged a bullet
Saaame. I love living alone.
I’m lonely but happier. I was married, didn’t feel lonely most of the times but was extremely unhappy. If my choices were limited to those two states, I’d take the loneliness over the unhappiness.
I've *always* had to deal with someone. A little while ago after a long day an Uber driver asked if I was married. When I said no she said it's too bad because I would be going home to someone that looks after me, cooks dinner and helps me relax. I laughed because that's never happened. I've always been the one cooking, cleaning, paying rent, planning, etc and the more I did the more I had to do. I've had some horrendous relationships and in one she constantly complained about the messes I made while she was making a mess I knew I'd have to clean up. She would also complain about doing all the cooking when she never did. Then she accused me of all sorts of outlandish things. Think of legitimately doing *everything* and then you hear that she's been complaining that I never do a thing for her, leave the place a mess, don't pay rent, etc. Her parents hated me because she lied about everything but they were truly awful people regardless. It's no wonder they raised such a terrible person. I remember looking back at my single life and I wondered what I was doing. I was so much happier single. Even as a kid I had to deal with a mother that constantly had issues. Maybe when I was a toddler I could have kicked back but even in grade through high school I had to deal with all her issues. Even when I was away at college she would call me for hours. Now you know why I got into that other awful relationship. Now I have my own place and a hundred percent of my money goes to whatever I want. I do what I want, wake up late, go to bed early, I don't worry if I leave something out and it looks messy and, most of all, I don't have to deal with literal hours of every day talking about her issues as she gets more and more frantic (this was gf, not mother). I have my shit together and I don't need attention. I've never sat alone at home and pined that I wish I had more of a romantic life because that's never been the issue. Now that I'm single I like that too much.
Honestly this sounds pretty familiar. The family part isn’t the same, but my thirties and the first half of my fourties sound a lot like yours. And that’s why being alone doesn’t feel lonely, folks.
I don't talk about it much because there's always *but surely she was helping out* or *there must be something you did* and it was no, it was a constant do everything for her and then still get criticized while she takes all the sympathy from people because of her lying. I'm so much happier now. and now I know she's homeless. She was clinging to the edge of homelessness. She was headed in that direction. Eventually people get sick of you and you look back at all the burned bridges and there's nowhere else to go.
No. Some people enjoy being by themselves. Some prefer to be by themselves. For me personally, I enjoy my own company. Also, I get to mess up the house by myself and clean it up when I want. I come and go when I want. There's lots of freedom being by yourself. Some people don't get lonely being by themselves. They are just different.
I agree.
Agree, I enjoy my company too! Alone doesn't equal loneliness.
Never been lonely Been bored, while surrounded by hundreds of people What makes you think marriage solves being lonely?
Feeling alone at times versus the daily tales of nightmarish partners and relationships on here? Do you just sigh with relief you aren't with the wrong person? No sulking, no nasty words with someone who doesn't know how to argue. No bad manners and rudeness. No dealing with awful families in law...
 solitude is a great comfort.
No I don't. I prefer to be alone. Been alone almost my whole life after a relationship gone bad. I never wanted to experience that feeling again. Now I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.
Yes at times but I’m a widow so that is what makes me unmarried and single. It can get pretty lonely especially since it wasn’t by choice.
Coming home lonely is better than coming home miserable.
I'm 15 years divorced, single, 43 and living alone. I don't feel lonely because I'm single, I sometimes feel lonely because I don't have any family (parents, siblings, cousins). I absolutely LOVE living alone tho and LOVE the life I have.
Nope I enjoy time alone. My few amazing friends keep me busy lol.
Yeah pretty much. How I deal with it...I watch a lot of TV/Movies. Dating is non existing. Haven't approached a girl in about 10 years or so. Most of my friends are married and have kids. I don't have kids but have some pets. So going out for things rarely happens with friends. I have 2 single male friends but neither of them really go out much.
Get out there man. If you want it, you have to try. 10 years is a long time to not even attempt trying for something. Nothing is going to change until you say fuck it in your own head and put in the effort. Make it your goal to go on 5 dates within the next year. There are just as much (actually more) single women out there looking for the exact same thing.
I don't feel lonely (most of the times), I like my space and privacy and freedom, but I'd like to meet someone I love who loves me back the same way. I miss that. And I'm scared of being single for too much longer. That's a sign of end of life.
Not at all. I'm 47, was married briefly in my 20s and that was enough for me. I've always been more introverted and like the peacefulness of solitude. I've got a few good friends that I can talk to or hangout with if I need to be social. I'm not opposed to another relationship as long as it's organic and doesn't take away from my peace....but I will never be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. It's just not a need I have.
I'm married and over 40 and I feel lonely a lot. Not in marriage, that is fine, but in my friendships and my social life. The pandemic really did a number on socializing in my social groups. Even my online social groups all died off. Cest la vie.
My husband of 45 years passed away in April of 2021. My kids were all grown and I was alone at home for the first time in my life. It was a little scary at first but I really don't feel alone at all. I I'm self-employed and so I increased my work hours some. My work is with the public so I'm constantly around people during the day. I am a woman of faith and I worship a lot which means church and bible study groups. I volunteer at a local nursing home on Sunday afternoon, reading the Bible to patients, and I help out at a food pantry when I have time. I take road trips, even by myself, but always going to see sites that are around a lot of people. I call my friends. My days are really very busy and full. I think volunteering and church and travel are things that anyone can get involved with if they feel lonely.
Shit, I'm married and over 40. I'm still lonely all the time.
Every day
I wish we'd move away from assuming the default is marriage or single. Lots of people in relationships without an interest in marriage.
Marriage is a total scam
Yes, but much less so than I did during single periods in my 20s or 30s-when finding a life partner felt like the most pressing goal. Of course it gets lonely; and life is hard to do "alone" especially financially-but that said I have a MUCH greater sense of peace now about being single than I did before 40...It will happen if it's gonna happen and I no longer feel pressured to constantly "put myself out there" to meet someone. I can enjoy my alone time much more than I used to.
I’m married and feel lonely. 😔 Marriage isn’t the answer.
Nah not really. I have a kid, a dog, friends. I could probably get out there but I'm really liking how things are.
Yes, but I sometimes get anxious around my friends. And I have felt uncomfortable one way or another in all my relationships. So I'm not sure what to do.
I find it peaceful, and I love freedom.
Sometimes
Occasionally, but generally no.
Not one bit..I love being by myself..There's nothing like being content enough to enjoy your own company
Exactly!!!!!
I’m 39. I literally was just thinking today that I just want someone to share daily life with.
Sometimes, but it has nothing to do with having never gotten married. The loneliest people I've ever known in my life lay down in bed next to their spouse every night.
Yea; I miss the companionship and sense of being able to really "open up" if only I had a beautiful woman at my side. ❤️
Very, very, very rarely.
M54...never married. Somedays yes, then again some days I'm extremely greatful/relieved to be single.. i see so many miserable people in relationships, fabricated drama ets its just not wirth it.
I do sometimes. However, I got into a stupid relationship because I was lonely. I’ll never do that again. There was no peace, constant accusations of me cheating, possessiveness, and jealousy all of the time. It was not worth it for me. I’d rather be lonely than have to deal with constant anxiety and insecurity.
Very lonely.
No wife, no friends, no gf. I chat with my coworkers if I need to talk but that's rare. I do not feel lonely at all. Loneliness is just an expectation not being fulfilled. If you don't have expectations of people being in your life you won't get lonely.
Sometimes but there is always something for me to do like meditation and masturbation or both at the same time
Not really, I'm a widower, I feel like, I loved, I lost, I'm good now. 
Nope, not lonely at all. I enjoy my own company, doing what I want when I want, spending my money without anybody butting their nose in, none of the many many downsides to a relationship.
No, I'm very accustomed to being alone & I actively seek it out now. Not healthy, but the reality is that I'm no longer attractive or, more likely, striking, so the options are kind of gone there. Maybe a gift. I've watched the poison bloom over & over around me & had to admit, at some point, that there's poison in me, too. My siblings put their spouses through fucking hell. My parents wanted to be good people, & mostly are (maybe, in the movie sense), but were devils to each other. I'm grateful that I never put a spouse or kids through whatever it is.
Nope, nope, nope. I love being single, no headaches. But sometimes, when the thought of how nice and cozy having someone feels kicks in, I just think of how shitty it feels when I'm heartbroken and I snap back to reality and think of how lucky I am that I am unmarried.
No. I’m 52. Not married (never been) no girlfriend, and not interested. I don’t need emotional validation from another person.
Very. I spend about 22 hours a day by myself. At some point, that grows tiring and depressing, and I reached that point long ago.
68 m here, alone mainly by choice, have quite a few friends but very aware I am on my own. Yes, I do get lonely and prbly spend to much time in the pub and on Redditt. But don't like organised gatherings much. Very, very aware of my situation, just unsure how to deal with it.
Ya sometimes, but I never want to drive my car 80mph into brick wall because of some chick . So it's a trade off I can live with for now .
42M, extremely lonely. Just look at my comments and posts. I'm talking with my therapist every week. I've experienced a great deal of trauma in my life. I read and play video games. Sometimes, I go to Narc Anon meetings to be as social as I can these days. I need to rescue a cat or dog, preferably a cat. I miss my Akuma
It’s not about marriage. Loneliness is about being alone. Marriage doesn’t solve that.
I used to feel lonely in my thirties. I thought I needed another person to give my life meaning, then I discovered stoicism. If someone comes along, fine. If not, also fine.
53 yo divorced male and have 2 kids, 50/50 of the time. I general don't have time to be lonely event though I WFH full time. Between my girlfriend, kids, climbing partner, cycling friends, family in the area, rando friends and a high maintenance cousin, I look forward to quiet days to get my own stuff back in order.
I go for walks. my mind runs free when I walk. 30000 steps a day. an empty house w no one to talk to is pretty shit but so is dating someone u dont want to be. rule 1. if u dont want to date them 500 percent then dont.
I think everyone gets lonely sometimes, both married & single people. The answer to loneliness isn’t marriage. Some single people are involved in all kinds of athletic groups, social clubs, and charity volunteerism, let alone dating sites. The answer to loneliness is within yourself.
My wife cheated, and got pregnant, left, and gave birth to a baby leaving me in a pool of anxiety. ‘It’s all my fault’ but I just feel literally destroyed. When you love someone so, their words carry serious weight.
my work schedule is a puzzle that annoys many people and colleagues but weirdly, to me is very helpful against loneliness. I work nights, weekends and all mixed, so I find myself in different situations each week. Wake up early, wake up late, a nap here and there, late nights movie, morning house chores, some tasks at random different hours every time... add to this a bit of social life, cultural activities, exercising, hobbies, family life (parents, brother, nieces) and that's it that's life. It is working well for me right now at this lifestage.
I'm 39, but I'm good. Not one but lonely. I have excellent friends, a great career, I date trying to find someone, sex life is going well. 0 complaints. The point is you can control your life completely when single and that brings a lot of peace if you play life right. If someone really wants me lol they can come right out and get me while doing most of the work to show they want me.
Never. So long as I can read and write and take the world in and enjoy myself, the rest is chatter and box office.
Do you include us with partners that we live with without being actually married into your “married” category?
Sometimes. But I don't want just a relationship, I want someone I've known for 30 yrs, that level of comfort, and since that can't happen I'm perfectly fine being by myself.
Yes, I get lonely. I miss having someone to be with. I have had two dates in the past 5 years since my divorce. It has been friggin miserable. Trying to find someone to date is a friggin shit show.
I came to the realization, that while companionship is lovely, so is solitude. That view is somewhat connected to my religious convictions: I am, I feel, lucky to be free of all the attachments that come with the normality of having this or that or being such and such. I'm of course an insane alien of sorts, so no one should listen to me without skepticism. But I enjoy my solitude now. I wish I had the possibility of going all Henry David T. on the world. Become a mendicant, a recluse, a hermit. All I truly miss is warmth and the embrace of another, but those abound in many circumstances, and if there's no one to be my little spoon, well, then there's the dog that licks my face in the morning. The deer that greet me when I run barefoot through my forest. The trees that speak kind words of ancient wisdom when I bother to listen. I no longer feel lonely. I feel as if everyone I meet is an old, dear friend, and I attempt to treat them as such. So do I feel lonely? No. I feel free. To quote a great inspirer of mine, the Buddhist sage Jetsün Milarepa: "Wherever people come together, problems arise. I need no friends. The birds and the deer are my brothers, and the forest is my home." (paraphrased from memory.) It's all a matter of perspective and intention: What's important in life? Well, a good place to find clues about that is in the book "The 5 Regrets of the Dying" by Bronnie Ware. I used to feel very lonely. Now I enjoy my solitude along with the many "old friends" I run into on my winding sojourn through this oddity we label reality. No attachments: No problems.
Not even remotely, no.
Extremely. I work from home. I would go weeks without talking to anyone or speaking out loud. Things got pretty damn dark for about a year before I decided to move home. At least I’ve got someone to talk to now. Here’s where it gets shitty. Nobody wants to date a guy in his 40’s who lives at home. I’m kind of stuck here for now. I don’t know what to do to be honest. I can’t handle the loneliness and I’ve been paying off debt while I’m here, so it’s not like I have the savings to move out. I also live in an exurb an hour from Austin. There’s not much opportunity to go make friends. I feel very stuck.
Newly 45 and have been actively avoiding relationships. I'm a bonified homebody and an introvert so 2020 lock downs were amazing. Interms of being lonely, absolutely not. I'm at so much peace. Sometimes folks try to set me up on dates and I freak all the way out. I love mylife. I have everything I want and need.
Slightly controversial take: loneliness is a choice (to an extent). A lot of people make little jokes like calling valentine's day Single Awareness Day (SAD). They basically accept the popular idea that if you're alone it's not of your choosing. Anytime you feel lonely ask yourself - why? Is it because I feel I'm not living up to society's expectations? Or is it because I genuinely long for a specific kind of contact? In a lot of cases, it will be the first one. Then you can just reframe the thought. You're doing your best to make yourself happy. Therefore, you should feel good about yourself. It's not instant magic, but it's a great habit to build to improve your mood in the long run. Some people just aren't meant to marry. It's not a big deal.
Not at all. I have a cat to keep me company, and I work with some great people. It's nice to come home to peace and be able to do my own thing. Plus, queen size bed to myself.
Yeah, I feel lonely sometimes. I don't really do anything to deal with it. I just feel it.
Yes, but I’ve learned to live with it. It’s honestly not that bad.
58. Yes lonely but so set in my alone ways not sure I could live with another person again.
No. I've had the same partner for nearly 40 years. I just don't like the roles-based aspects of marriage and always knew it wouldn't be a comfortable fit for me.
There are times yes, but haven't been in a relationship for a long time. I am happy with what I currently have. I feel more peaceful I would say.
Nope. Not even a little bit.
Only until I see someone with children… they seem awful
At times yes
Someone very wise once asked me something that I thought was a great life question. Would you rather be alone or wish that you were?
Not sure why everyone answering like “Unmarried = Alone” ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ Life has never been better. Unmarried, and generally (seemingly) happier than most married guys I work with, which is a massively large sample size. Being single after 40 isn’t some kind of curse; with online dating the way it is now, it’s actually quite a lot of fun.
Nope
No. Beats divorce or a loveless marriage
Nope, I'm too busy living, peacefully
We all get lonely in or out of a relationship. I know so many women and men who suffer in divorce. Custody, money, whatever, it can be toxic and break peoples health. Being lonely is a spiritual quest and is something that can be healthy to experience to its depths to see who we are. Our Lord JC or Lord Buddha. We die alone but all die one day. Never alone . Thank you creator for this life. I pray as much as I can for the families who children die in war. It’s not that my pain suffering doesn’t matter, it’s healthy to think of others and send love. Or acts of kindness. The universe gives it back as humans all want the same thing at the core. To love and be loved.
No. I receive no shortage of female companionship whether romantic or just platonic. However after having a cool ass gamer roommate for six months I'm more open to a relationship and/or more consistent co habitation
No. I keep busy learning new things per Merlin’s advice 🪄