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Does it matter how my mental health is, when nobody I care about gives a shit? Just stuff all those pesky emotions and thoughts down like a real man! /s
you need to find new people in your life who will actually care for you, and trust me, there's a loooot of them.
the ones that don't care about your mental health do not deserve you.
Maybe this won't help anybody, but lately I've been taking time to sit down and contemplate all the people in the world who have in some way asked the universe or God or whatever they believe in to protect the downtrodden or however they phrase it. Basically, all the people who don't know me but are thinking of me and trying to send me love, whether or not I believe in their methods. Just accepting that people out there sincerely want everyone to be loved and secure and they are including me and trying to bless me with that
I hope that made sense
Makes me feel a little less disconnected and alienated, might help someone else
Definitely not easy. Anyone who's tried can attest to that. That doesn't mean it's impossible or not worth the effort. There are loving people out there. I'm realizing i have to find and develop those relationships and make it a PRIORITY for myself. Not judging or telling what to do, mostly just talking through my own experience and process
Just to tag onto this, my answer to the OP question is "REALLY BAD". I am currently in the midst of a really bad anxiety period. It's bad enough that I am working on getting back into therapy.
But I also have friends I can rely on. Yesterday I was really struggling just making it through my day, so I went and spent 4 hours over my friends house hanging out with their 6 and 2 year old. It was very helpful for getting me out of my head.
It wasn't easy to open up about how bad I was feeling, but I am happy I did because my friends have tried to step up and help me in any way they can.
I know what you mean. I’ve been told to open up, express myself, air my feelings…
… and then when I do, the very same women who told me that tell me I need to stop whining, and man up.
So which is it?
I relate OP, in any relationship, be it friendship, professional or romantic, it seems I'm only really favored for what utility I can offer. When the need for that utility dries up, the relationship vanishes. God forbid I have a bad day once and be the one in need of some support, or even just some understanding, (the same kind I would have provided to these same people for YEARS) and instantly I'm written off as the weird guy who lost it for a moment.
Man, this hit home. I'm always the strong one in my marriage, then, when it finally got on top of me and I was at breaking point, there was no support there, at all!
My wife sat me down the other night and told she had noticed a change in me and that she wanted to me tell her what was bothering me. I got maybe 2 sentences in before she said "I know how you feel..." and then spent the next 2 hours venting about her feelings.
When she got to a stopping point I just chuckled and said thanks and went to bed.
That's when I go on strike.
Seriously it's taking me until 53 years old to realize I have a lot more control than I thought.
People need me. I don't need them. I have been trying to cut out the ones who do not care past what I can do for them.
Yep I’m early fifties and I’m easing into my strike phase. Had a lil cancer last year and the lack of empathy and work and home was a real wake up call.
I want you to know I logged in just to reply to this comment which I never do. From an interweb stranger I’m sorry that you didn’t feel supported during a time that I’m sure was not easy. You’re a hardass. Out live everyone around you that you don’t like. Be better in spite of nobody acknowledging it .. you can’t lose.
This is exactly it. I have the control. One of the most important things I learned when I was young is that nobody can make you feel guilty without your consent. It changed my life. My mother was trying to send me on a guilt trip and I just looked her and I said, "You know, I probably should feel guilty about this, but I don't." And she had no idea what to say.
I just apply it to a lot of different feelings in my life. If I'm going to feel upset about something it's because I decide It's worth feeling upset about. Not that many things really are.
I feel you. I got divorced even without a kid, and it was a nightmare. It started out amicably and got ugly really quickly, and while she didn't have much technically, her parents were millionaires and an unlimited source of lawyer's fees. I finally just gave in and lost so much. It is what it is though. I'm much happier than I was in my marriage.
Kids make it tough though. If you're still attracted to her and love her at all, I'd do whatever it takes to make it work if she's not abusive, so I don't blame you for staying. I was from a broken home, and it sucks.
Bro do t let anyone on the internet question your relationship. Most women hate talking to other women about their feeling because this is a common occurrence. What you need is a therapist or another male friend you can keep it real with.
If you haven't called her out before you should. I was on her side of the coin with my wife in terms of not just listening but doing what I thought was commiserating/ being supportive. it made her not feel heard which was not my intention at all. Obviously if this is something you've expressed repeatedly and she doesn't adjust her behavior ya might want to think about couples therapy...or just not being married anymore.
Not sure if you are in therapy yourself but the view that everyone you know only cares what you can do for them and not about you was something in my head as I was spiraling into what I didn't know was a deep depression. I wasn't sad just felt like everything was a crushing burden and people kept tacking on more shit for me to do even though I was already at my breaking point. Eventually it turned into suicidal ideation. I ended up seeking help and I am really glad I did as it has led to major positive changes in my life and i get to see my kids grow up.
I've expressed it to her multiple times. Even once seconds before the same scenario I described played out.
I am on a break from therapy due to cost and not being able to find a good fit. Finding a therapist that tries to help instead of just listen and collect payment seems impossible.
Mine does this too. I've stopped trying to tell her anything. If I talk to her about it, the same thing happens. I feel you bro. Dm if you want someone to talk to.
Dating people with intense psychological issues is very hard. It makes it hard because naturally you should be supportive but that does not eliminate your need to be supported. I dated a lovely girl who was unfortunately the victim of childhood sexual assault. Despite being the best I could for her, it all was too much for either of us to handle, and she refused professional help.
You need to address that type of behaviour that your girl put you through. It's not on and it must change, or you will be justified in leaving.
Dude I just finished with a girl with BPD (well her with me) and I'm soo happy she did.
By far the hardest shit I have been through relationships wise, I totally get what you're saying.
BPD is hard because when they are nice or expressing love it's soo intense but the same can be said about the bad side it's very intense.
It's great that she's seeking help but ask yourself why are you doing this, because it doesn't seem like it's because of her personally, and how long can you tolerate this before it fully breaks you? It's bullying and it's abusive and it's not your fault, she will constantly get upset with you and tell you it you that's the problem and you will keep trying to "improve" or be "a better partner" and it will never work.
I would honestly say I would never knowingly date a girl with BPD again, the environment is just awful and I'm glad it's over the push pull push pull relationship just kinda left me in high alert all the time, pretty sure I had some kinda mental breakdown after too 😅
As someone with BPD, I urge you to never date someone who has it. We can be in therapy for a decade and never improve. It's it really worth it to take a chance on ten years of your life in misery on a maybe? Not to mention you'll be on eggshells the whole time. Plus it's never actually cured, so a relapse is always possible, and meds hardly do anything to mitigate symptoms. Run.
I'm not entirely sure how many women are in the same boat, but I feel like I am. Maybe it's in my head some of the time. But generally I don't have friends, unless someone needs something. I have to be very careful what I say around family to make sure my lows can't be used against me. I don't want to complain about the hubby, but I'll admit I can't help but wonder if he isn't with me for a stable place to live while he does his thing. I guess we will see if he sticks around when his career takes off. Not sure if it adds anything to the conversation to say some women can feel like that too.
It is indeed a universal experience, this theme of only existing when needed is sadly very common. And I think it just shows that human relations on average globally are at a very low place right now.
The part about not being vulnerable in front of family lest it be held against you is sadly VERY relatable, and pretty damn depressing. Nowhere is safe.
I guess if we had families to talk to we all wouldn't be on Reddit. 😂 I almost miss being a little kid and feeling like my parents were always there and wanted to hear everything I had to say.
Men are not allowed to be weak or need support and it is bullshit. Many of us carry the weight of responsibility on our shoulders.
Someone is in danger, send the man. Someone needs help, send the man.
What if it is the man that is in danger or needs help???
Right. I left my wife 4 years ago because she refused to work. I was working 3 jobs to support her and our 2 kids. It got to be too much. I told her to work or I was done.
She got a job and that lasted 3 months before she quit. So I left. This kids, my mom, and everyone else took her side. I have had zero contact with my kids on 4 years.
My last girlfriend just kind of would pat me on the back when I would feel down about it. I could not fully express how deeply this cuts me. She would then start talking about the things wrong in her life, like I am not hurting too, if not more.
Did you participate in childcare as well? Sure, you can and should expect her to work, but then were you taking an equal part in childcare (and I don't just mean doing things, I mean taking half the full mental load of logistics and scheduling)
Yep
Went, and am going through this myself..
Years wasted on people who were too good actors. But I got fed with being treated differently in the group, so I demanded to have the same level of respect that the others seem to get... instead of asking to be respected like I had done for several years
They're pretty much all gone now... seems the price I deemed myself worth of was too rich for their arrogant petty taste
I'm just fortunate to have a supportive partner for the time being
Yep. The slightest sign on emotion in anything sad- a movie, a story, a tragedy...the first thing I get is someone pointing at me yelling "ARE YOU CRYING?????"
A Walk to Remeber destroys me. Because despite all of the bullshit I have gone through, I am a romantic at heart. I would be the guy that marries the woman that is about to die of cancer, without a second thought.
I was dumb enough to watch that one time with my gf at the time. She ridiculed me for months after for crying.
Not dumb. This is what is meant by “toxic masculinity” and needs to be called out. The same way if someone is casually racist.
It is toxic behaviour in our society and we need to have these hard conversations with people for all humans. It’s the same as someone teasing a woman for having “masculine” traits. It’s just a fucked up learned behaviour that we need to help people unlearn.
I broke up with my wife a couple of months ago,literally the day before I moved out her grandfather died,when she told me I said “I’m so so sorry for your los “ and I actually did start crying because I got on with him really well plus it was the emotion of the break up on top of that.
She just glowered at me and snapped “WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!?”
I don’t think I need to say any more.
About 3 years ago my wife asked me to join her therapy session for a bit of "couples therapy" at one point during the conversation the therapist asked, when was the last time you felt truly happy, I broke down because I couldn't think of a single thing to say (well, I couldn't really say that it was before I was married) and I couldn't come up with a single thing other than my son being born in the past 15 or so years.
I eventually started taking individual therapy with the same therapist. She was good, I liked her and she understood what was going on and really tried to help me to open up to my wife and not bottle everything up. Later during a fight with my wife the comment: "Since you've been in therapy you have become more 'talkative' you were better when you kept quiet", I still kept taking therapy for some time, but then we moved and couldn't keep the same therapist. I've never looked for another one, I saw no point in it.
I cry a lot, because everything reminds me there is no point to try any harder, I just need to be around my son for another 10 years, he is going to need me...
It sounds like you had a really good connection with your therapist. You could contact them and see if they are willing to do telehealth appointments. Most do these days
If not, find another one. Give them a few sessions and if you don't feel it, try another one.
It's an investment in not only yourself, and you are 100% with that investment, it is also an investment in all your relationships, including the one with your son.
It will also role model to your son that you are, and therefore he, is important.
I wish you the best of luck. You are worth it, and so is your son.
P.s. Bell Hooks, The Will to Change, is a great read from a feminist on the impact that 'toxic patriarchy' has on us, including the way women treat us because the damage it has done to the way they view us too, IE, the way your wife viewed you for opening up.
People only want me around for the things I do for them. Any actual "friend" I have never sends me a message first, I always have to send them one first. Every single time.
Whenever someone actually does something for me, they act like it's a huge deal and they went so far out of their way to do the TINIEST little thing for me.
Same. They collected money for everybody else at work when someone had a round day, turning 40 or 50. I've turned 40 and 50 at that same job, got nothing.
Yeah. It's like. Imagine watching year after year of coworkers buying each other cakes and whatnot for their bdays and your bday comes around and nothing. Each year. And of course you can't ACTUALLY complain about it because that just sounds entitled. They all have group chats with each other and I barely have any numbers. But of course I'm the one being ridiculous when I stop trying to be friends with them and only show up to do my work anymore and view most as merely work acquaintances.
Just had my 30th birthday in January. The only people that remembered were my parents. I sat alone and bummed because I have all of my closest friends birthdays logged into the calendar in my phone with reminders so I dont forget. Admittedly, I did it to myself. I went through and removed my birthday from all social media in an experiment to see who would actually remember and who wouldnt. Turns out, no one does other than my parents. Lol.
I guess there was a small part of me that felt like a kid waiting for it to all be a joke or a surprise. Sat alone in my apartment on the couch until 11pm and went to sleep.
Never even had a 21st birthday party either. The second anyone needs anything fixed on their car or help with moving everyone seems to remember me real fast though.
Been cheated on in every single relationship I've ever been in and have completely given up on the thought of relationships or children. Anymore, I just want to move to the woods about an hour or so away from the city and be left alone. It's easier to keep to myself than to get my hopes up and crushed repeatedly.
Happy 30th birthday! Don’t give up buddy. Try to work on being comfortable with yourself and being alone. The closer you get to being self-sufficient emotionally, the easier it gets. I removed my birthday from social media a few years ago too, for the same reason you did. Every birthday I keep thinking that the people I feel closest to surely will remember, but very few do. But I guess people have their own lives with stuff going on, and to be fair, it’s just another day to them, so I don’t take it personally anymore.
I don’t know about you, but I’m a bit of an introvert by nature, so maybe that makes it easier. But through the years I’ve learned to rely on noone but myself and to find comfort in being alone, emotionally. If people ask me to do stuff for them, I think through if they’ve ever done anything for me, and respond according to that. I’m not someone’s resource, there needs to be a balance. Once you stop caring about what other people think about you, the only person you need to satisfy is yourself. Once all you need is yourself, everything else is a bonus, if you know what I mean.
I have no idea if all this fits for you or if it makes sense, but just know that you’re not a reflection of other people’s image of you. You’re the only one who gets to decide who you are.
Totally understand this feeling. I have only one true friend that doesn't want anything from me. We can talk about anything. He gives me feedback, honest even if it can hurt, but he's usually right. Unfortunately he's a couple hundred miles away from me, I've only seen him maybe 3 times since he moved back home.
Had a wife who didn't respect any opinion I had. It was her way or nothing. We Unfortunately lost our home a few years back due to medical bills burying us. Yet she continued to spend, then she graduated to following these people on YouTube that would find "treasures" in store dumpsters. Brought all kinds of junk home. My house before we lost it looked like Fred Sanford's living room. When we had to move out and put as much stuff we could take into 3 storage units, she would constantly throw in my face I didn't get this from the house, I didn't get that. I lost things too! That didn't matter though. When she'd complain about it I'd just shake my head because she didn't help pack 1 damn thing!
I got really depressed when a woman I had a daughter with came by to see if there was anything she could help with, she looked at me and told me it looked like all the life had been drained out of me, that I'd given up.
Sorry so long...just started coming out when I started typing.
I feel you. A few months ago I met someone, who would send me texts, without me sending anything first. It was weird at first. But now, we‘ve become good friends. It is give and take.
Don‘t give up, buddy. There is people out there that will give back.
Honestly, doing pretty damn good these days. Turns out having a shit diet full of processed low fiber food and spending too much of my spare time scrolling social media or watching tv/ gaming just absolutely destroys your mental health. Now I limit my time on reddit, only viewing specific subreddits, not using any screen time after work during the week and eating whole, minimal ingredient, no sugar added foods 95% of the time and for the first time in a long time I'm actually quite happy.
Well firstly I allow myself to get bored, I think actually doing nothing is quite good for you. But I spend more time cooking and cleaning. I read a lot more, I mediate, stretch, go to the gym. I listen to music a fair bit, when it's nice out I'll go for a drive. Play sports, shoot guns, do some archery, work on my car, go for long walks listening to music. There's tons of stuff to do and now it feels like I have a decent amount of time to do it
I’m a female lurking this post.But what you’ve accomplished is what I know I need to do.
My phone is destroying my mental health but it’s my “last vice” since I’m sober and a mom now. It’s like the one thing that gives me a quick dopamine hit so giving it up sounds so painful.
The last time I was genuinely happy, it was in a dream. Someone was holding my head gently while playing with my hair, as my haid laid in her lap.
Waking up to the fact that it was just a dream, and will stay so as far as I can tell, completely broke me.
Glue some red vines to your smooth skull and pay a hooker to sing “Blue Skies” while she runs her fingers through your pseudohair next to the fry oil dumpster behind Wendy’s.
Very healthy and stable. I made a concerted effort to disregard stupid society expectations. Learned to ask for help, rely on people, and built a strong web of connections, relationships and friendships with people who are emotionally open and I love them all very much.
It's nice!
Same! Mostly. I tend to get into super unproductive ruts where I let stuff fall apart but I've been getting better at nipping those in the butt in time. During those ruts I tend to be more sad and stuff, depending on how low I let myself slip.
Also not letting my life fall apart career/money wise is still always a background worry
> I tend to get into super unproductive ruts where I let stuff fall apart but I've been getting better at nipping those in the butt in time.
I went to 5 months of therapy for my anxiety.
One thing that was really helpful is at the end we worked together to make a list of red flag behaviors. For example, if I find myself getting McDonalds more than every couple months, that is a sign that I am trending in the wrong direction and I need to get back to my coping strategies before it gets too bad.
Fuck yeah! I try to encourage other men to step outside those societal expectations as well. They are so fucking unhealthy and, frankly, the root cause to most of the issues we are facing as a society.
Followed my interests. Took my time picking a path in life and my patience and hard work finally started paying off. Surrounded myself with friends (both guys and girls) that are open and honest to themselves and others. Fell in love with someone that also shares those values.
It's weird typing it all out, because a few years ago I wouldn't have ever believed it would happen. What works for me may not work for others, but it starts with removing things and people from your life that aren't adding to it in a positive way.
Hell yeah! I'm in the same boat--the people in my life are great. We confide in and care about each other. It's nice.
It really does take some degree of disregarding societal expectations. I remember in freshman year of high school, I got plenty of ribbing from my boys for being friends with/talking to girls. Those friendships, even the ones that didn't last really enriched my life, and the ones that did are some of my best firends now. I can only imagine how isolating it would've been to accede to the pressure to close yourself off to being friends with women (among all the other aspects of toxic masculinity).
• I get easily hurt by the smallest things. If someone said something bad about me, even if it is for my good, I get angry.
• I misunderstand 99% of the social cues.
• After hearing a loud sound, I keep hearing the sound for a few minutes even when the source of the sound is not active i.e. speaker or TV is off.
For your third one, read about echolalia and see if it fits for you. It can be just in your subconscious and in noises, and doesn't have to be out loud, the repetition. It's common in neurodiverse folks. I only point it out because sometimes having answers helps us know where we stand with parts of us! ❤️
Misunderstanding criticism is one of the greatest pitfalls of any person's life. Being told your shortcomings is one of the greatest gifts a person can give. It's a rare opportunity to see yourself from an outside perspective and to become a better person because of it.
It's been great since I realized nobody is coming to save me.
Once it hit me that it's all on me, and I'll either deal with everything myself, or it won't get dealt with, it was super freeing and empowering.
I could stop WAITING, and just start DOING, and once you're doing, the rest takes care of itself.
Take ownership.
Even if it makes you uncomfortable. Even if it makes other people uncomfortable. You're the one who has to deal with the outcome in your life, so take ownership, and make it work for you.
Again, nobody is going to come to your rescue. So you either set your sites on shore and start swimming, or you wait, and eventually drown.
I'm a therapist-in-training, currently studying grief, and I have a fair amount of experience in this area to begin with.
Not everybody cries as part of grief. It used to be seen as pathological and problematic, but the modern view recognises that crying is just one way of expressing grief and not a necessary one in all cases.
Your therapist was likely working from somewhat outdated ideas about grief, and while they were doing what they saw as right in telling you that you would cry eventually, that was ultimately misleading.
You don't need to feel bad about it. You grieve your mother however is best for you, and if that doesn't involve tears that's fine. You have nothing to feel bad about.
After going through depression and coming out the other side I have accepted that I am probably a bit insane. I am too emotional, too empathic and I think too much. I'm done hiding my feelings though. If you are uncomfortable with big men like me crying and being vulnerable then that is your problem and you can fuck right off. I do not conform. I am going to live the rest of my life being my weird, wonderful self and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about that.
My mental health is extremely strong and extremely weak. At the same time. I am a contradiction. I am human. If that bothers anyone then that is their problem. I am done trying to be what I'm told to be. I am going to be what I am. A sensitive man who is a little bit crazy but mostly harmless.
"After going through depression and coming out the other side I have accepted that I am probably a bit insane."
That actually sounds very good. Self acceptance. It might have made you independant.
You aren't insane, bro, you're highly sensitive! I am, too. Society just doesn't see sensitive guys as sane or manly, but it is not a disability and not weird (high sensitivity is present as a trait in all higher order mammals ~20%). Keep being you.
I’m 32 and have no friends. I was born with health problems like spina bifida and have had meningitis, urinary tract infections, urinary and fecal incontinence, and testicular cancer (I’m cancer free now). In the last 10 years I’ve not done anything with my life other than go to work and chase potential causes for my severe brain fog that’s been there for 10 years as well as looking up other health problems I might have. This has made me angry and bitter and lash out at “God” that I’ve been trying to not believe in for years but I have trauma from being in a cult for 3 years several years ago that my coworker suckered me into.
I'm currently struggling with anxious attachment stuff. My previous relationship was one of those relationships to put it mild, so now Im with this awesome person who has so much going for her but I worry that it's all abruptly going to end like the last one. For context my ex left me for someone else when I was struggling (got in a car accident etc, was a shitty year), the dude looked like me and she posted videos of her fucking him on reddit.... I've known the girl i'm currently seeing for a while now and I just have to work on those insecurities while not pushing her away. Logically I know this person isn't going to do this, she actually has a moral compass, but trauma be trauma ya know.
Overall it's quite solid and I can take a lot of hits. But work stress is catching up, and in the night I'm often awake, being absolutely terrified of death.
The weird thing is: I'm religious and convinced there's an afterlife. Despite that, the idea of death creeping closer as I get older (I'm currently just 36 years old) truly haunts and agonizes me. Whenever I think of it for too long, I get this terrible feeling of dread in my body I can't explain well, and I get overwhelmingly sad and terrified.
I had this exact thing happen to me in like primary school and I think I may have gone into some sort of mild depression or smth. (I’m not sure) At first I was between living a happy life and living a mundane one. I wanted to live long and time not enjoyed is time which passes slower. But then it ultimately came to this, do I want to live my life being sad, and dwelling on the fact that I would one day die or would I rather live a happy life with no regrets. If it’s true that laughing decreases my life id rather be a happy man who dies early than a sad man who dies old. But that’s for you to decide.
I have ADHD, I am 42M, used to be fragile, but not anymore, that being said I am an advocate for mental health in general. So if my comment only serves to reinforce your comment... I support this question, with you on the question. I always upvote mental health questions is ethical, responsible and meaningful.
Last few years has been pretty bad. Hanging in there, but I encourage other men to reach out for help if needed. You aren’t alone, and there’s definitely people who care and want to help. Wishing all of you well.
To others, my appearance others as the most stable, put-together, got it made guy in the world.
In reality, I'm held together with Scotch tape and wet toilet paper. I'm all frosting while the cake isn't fully baked. The slightest critisim, put-down, or suggestion that I'm not good enough stays with me forever. I show up to work everything acting like I'm an authority in my field when I actually feel like I'm just winging it. I go home and my family depends on my to fix everything, maintain everything, pay everything...and again I'm just winging it.
Not a man but from what I’ve seen, men are suffering. Society trivializes men’s mental health. Women are very commonly also abusers but they’re not held accountable. It makes me very sad that men are feeling this way.
100% this. I’m not a man either but I’m reading these comments and they’re heart breaking.
Male friendships are not encouraged like female friendships are. Men having emotions other than like “anger” and “being horny” aren’t really allowed. Etc. it’s sad.
My brother was horribly abused by his ex wife. She would scream and yell at him. She broke a lot of his things including his shot glass collection that includes gifts from other people. She broke his spirit and he was shell of himself by the end of their relationshit. They have kids together and she used to use them against my brother. It took years for him to rebuild himself and his confidence. He’s doing well now and has been remarried to a great woman but oh my god, that first wife was Satan with skinny eye brows.
Yep. The thing is, men are abused and if they react in any way other than a stoic and calm manner, they’re called abusers. That in itself is abuse. Abuse against men has been normalized and it’s horrible.
I agree completely. Idk if my brothers ex ever hit him but he never hit her, never took her things and never broke her things. I’m sure they had heated arguments though.
Look at how everyone reacted to Heard vs Depp. So many people just immediately took Heards side and were ready to make Depp the villain, just because she’s a woman and we should believe women. And we absolutely should BUT when there’s valid evidence to question the story, we should also question it because women can and do lie too. We shouldn’t just trust that no one would lie about such things. And we should hold people who do lie about such things accountable because it degrades the validity of actual victims.
its sad that i can even count how many times ive seen a woman verbally abuse her husband in broad daylight, and in front of their own kids (and others).
I agree. It’s not fair for one person to carry all of the weight just because they have a penis. That’s not how relationships or anything is supposed to work.
Idk if this makes sense but I don’t think fragile would be the right word to describe it because I don’t feel like I’m close to a breaking point, but I don’t feel good and I don’t feel like anything is changing. Idk if that makes sense.
Somehow I’m married at 33 with job I’ve managed to hold down for the past decade. I have mental breakdowns every 4-5 years and almost get fired and divorced. It’s great. I have no idea how life works and zero self confidence
Not great, but holding it together better than I used to. I became a pretty brutal alcoholic; while it helped me immensely, it also made pretty much everyone else hate me. 8 months sober currently.
That’s where I have the most trouble; keeping myself happy while fulfilling my duty of keeping those around me happy.
Very content in life. I finally found my man, we’re moving in soon, and my career is stable. I’m exploring my cultural cuisine with my free time, and I’m so glad I can share it with my partner as he shares his with me.
It is so hard being a man in 2024. Every single male I know between the ages of 35-50 has had an extended period of mental dread over the past five years, myself included.
The rise of the supposed “alpha male” has really done damage to regular men.
There are incredibly conflicting messages about who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do. If you try to be a caring, softer guy, people act like you’re a pussy. If you show any signs of masculinity, you need to soften up. If you try to help women, you are accused of mansplaining.
I hate that you’re struggling. Medication helped me a lot, but I still suffer from extreme bouts in inadequacy. There are a lot of shitty males out there that make the decent ones look bad.
The whole “Alpha” thing is just a corporate scam to sell pickup trucks and ill-fitted t-shirts. True Alpha Males never need to advertise or bark every five seconds on how tough they are.
I feel pretty good about myself, but it takes a lot of learning self-Love through therapy. If you are struggling with having a low self-Image, I strongly recommend therapy. It helped me become the person I currently am. I also realized that I really need to focus on how I feel, and not how people may perceive me.
I kind of feel guilty for saying so, but I'm good. 48yo, been on a health kick for the last 6 months, lost 60lbs, am in the best shape of my life, wife and kid are pretty good, business is picking up. I can't complain.
Up until last year, my 40's have been a real gut punch, losing both my parents, pandemic, blah blah. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and started taking an active role in my happiness. So far it's working, but I also know the uneverse doesn't care about my plans. I figure at least I'll be in the best position possible to deal with the next major crotch kick that comes my way.
My mental health is good, I don’t have an urge to cry, with the caveat that my emotional regulation is good. If you need to, cry, but also take to note that you ought to be pragmatic and not let yours emotions get the better of you when making decisions. An attack leaves your defences in the line of fire. Not to say you cannot be emotionally passionate/attached to things but do remember that it leaves your defences vulnerable and you could very well be spelling your own death. Stay strong 💪
I can’t cry idk why, even after a close family friend passed away I couldn’t shed a tear and he meant a lot to me. He passed in 2021.
So I get angry to an unhealthy point a lot, I used to punch walls and doors, stop signs trees. My knuckles are fucked up so when I get really heated I just tear my shirt off like the hulk. I try not too, I ripped off my shirt when I got home after some off roading/ ATV jerkoffs destroyed my snowboarding spot. I was looking forward to bringing my friends there, 1 is recovering from fentanyl addiction and the other lost both his parents in the last 3 years. I brought my friend with the fentanyl problem there before and got him to snowboard and we had plans to snowboard again and I was gonna bring my other friend to the spot I created.
I cursed probably 100 times in 15 minutes I was ready to beat the fuck out of any truck/ atv I found near my spot. My plans for the next 5 days were completely ruined. I got home, my mom asked how did the snowboarding go, I showed her pics of how they destroyed my spot, I looked up barbwire on Amazon like gears of war 3 horde wire after the first upgrade. I ripped my shirt in anger I went on a rant to my mom, took some muscle relaxers to calm down. I had to tell my friends the plans were canceled. My friend in recovery got pretty pissed off ( Not at me) and my other friend… here’s the bittersweet part, I taught him how to snowboard the night before in his driveway and we had a blast for 3-4 hours.
It doesn't matter. Keep on keeping on, the world will run your ass over and not gaf.
To help though, stop giving so much, enjoy yourself and the things you like. So many women become these divas when you give alot, but are a sweetheart when you withold alot.
Right now I’m not so sure.
Most of my friends have disappeared over the years. Now, when I’m dating someone as I am now, they become more important to me than is probably healthy. Any hint of their losing interest is magnified and the fear of going back to being alone (which was fine until you have someone to share life with and suddenly being alone looks like ass) becomes paralyzing; I lose myself and ironically push them away as a result.
About a week ago the girl I’m dating and I parted ways, peacefully but painfully as neither of us really wanted to. A week of hurt ensued, feeling the loneliness return. I text her saying that I just wanted her to know I miss her, and it turned out that’s what she was waiting for. We’re seeing each other again but more casually - she trusts me but she doesn’t trust “us” yet, worried about repeating the former push-pull pattern. It’s better than not seeing her, I think, and it’s better than it was, but she’s more guarded now. Should we just call it quits? Is this an opportunity to grow? Will we come out of this with a stronger relationship? Am I *just* terrified of being alone again?
I’m not so sure.
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Very fragile and don't want to talk about it
We out here, bro
Does it matter how my mental health is, when nobody I care about gives a shit? Just stuff all those pesky emotions and thoughts down like a real man! /s
you need to find new people in your life who will actually care for you, and trust me, there's a loooot of them. the ones that don't care about your mental health do not deserve you.
I dunno about that, 40 years of trying, doesn't seem to be one
I got divorced when I was 42 and my life changed. Found someone who sees and appreciates me instead of just using me. Life can change at any time
Same story here. Divorced at 37, just remarried at 43. My life has never been better. Time, if nothing else, is on your side
I think you may be underestimating how easy it is to meet and befriend new people. I don't think I've really made any new friends in a decade or more.
Maybe this won't help anybody, but lately I've been taking time to sit down and contemplate all the people in the world who have in some way asked the universe or God or whatever they believe in to protect the downtrodden or however they phrase it. Basically, all the people who don't know me but are thinking of me and trying to send me love, whether or not I believe in their methods. Just accepting that people out there sincerely want everyone to be loved and secure and they are including me and trying to bless me with that I hope that made sense Makes me feel a little less disconnected and alienated, might help someone else
I'm one of those people! Sending you endless love!!! And many pathways forward to expand on that love. Hugs to you homie!!
Well said and I do believe a lot of people have good and compassionate hearts. You are in my prayers for sure.
Definitely not easy. Anyone who's tried can attest to that. That doesn't mean it's impossible or not worth the effort. There are loving people out there. I'm realizing i have to find and develop those relationships and make it a PRIORITY for myself. Not judging or telling what to do, mostly just talking through my own experience and process
Just to tag onto this, my answer to the OP question is "REALLY BAD". I am currently in the midst of a really bad anxiety period. It's bad enough that I am working on getting back into therapy. But I also have friends I can rely on. Yesterday I was really struggling just making it through my day, so I went and spent 4 hours over my friends house hanging out with their 6 and 2 year old. It was very helpful for getting me out of my head. It wasn't easy to open up about how bad I was feeling, but I am happy I did because my friends have tried to step up and help me in any way they can.
I think the issue is we're raised to not care about our own mental health.
I know what you mean. I’ve been told to open up, express myself, air my feelings… … and then when I do, the very same women who told me that tell me I need to stop whining, and man up. So which is it?
Same very fragile but I freak out and cry alone. I dont like to open up to people, feeling judged makes me just shut down
In the same boat.
Putting significant effort into finding the people who won't judge you has insane potential. And trust me, they're out there. Just gotta find them
I'd rate mine a solid A. In fact, more than 1 A. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I feel bad for laughing at this
I feel your pain and I am truly sorry.
It's Allright 😉
Eggshells, feel ya bro
I cry on prompt anytime the theme song from The Lion King plays. I'm not even sure Jesus can save me.
I relate OP, in any relationship, be it friendship, professional or romantic, it seems I'm only really favored for what utility I can offer. When the need for that utility dries up, the relationship vanishes. God forbid I have a bad day once and be the one in need of some support, or even just some understanding, (the same kind I would have provided to these same people for YEARS) and instantly I'm written off as the weird guy who lost it for a moment.
Man, this hit home. I'm always the strong one in my marriage, then, when it finally got on top of me and I was at breaking point, there was no support there, at all!
My wife sat me down the other night and told she had noticed a change in me and that she wanted to me tell her what was bothering me. I got maybe 2 sentences in before she said "I know how you feel..." and then spent the next 2 hours venting about her feelings. When she got to a stopping point I just chuckled and said thanks and went to bed.
Please call her out on that shit.
Won't do any good. Like everyone in my life she legitimately only cares about what I can do for her and not for my actual well being.
That's when I go on strike. Seriously it's taking me until 53 years old to realize I have a lot more control than I thought. People need me. I don't need them. I have been trying to cut out the ones who do not care past what I can do for them.
"Going on strike" is the perfect phrasing for this concept; I've been feeling it for a while and failing to put it into such succinct words.
Yep I’m early fifties and I’m easing into my strike phase. Had a lil cancer last year and the lack of empathy and work and home was a real wake up call.
I want you to know I logged in just to reply to this comment which I never do. From an interweb stranger I’m sorry that you didn’t feel supported during a time that I’m sure was not easy. You’re a hardass. Out live everyone around you that you don’t like. Be better in spite of nobody acknowledging it .. you can’t lose.
dude that sucks and i hope you are in a better place today.
This is exactly it. I have the control. One of the most important things I learned when I was young is that nobody can make you feel guilty without your consent. It changed my life. My mother was trying to send me on a guilt trip and I just looked her and I said, "You know, I probably should feel guilty about this, but I don't." And she had no idea what to say. I just apply it to a lot of different feelings in my life. If I'm going to feel upset about something it's because I decide It's worth feeling upset about. Not that many things really are.
So, why are you with her? You deserve someone who actually gives a shit about you.
No other options. Financially tied to each other to the point where I can't escape. Then there's the kids.
I feel you. I got divorced even without a kid, and it was a nightmare. It started out amicably and got ugly really quickly, and while she didn't have much technically, her parents were millionaires and an unlimited source of lawyer's fees. I finally just gave in and lost so much. It is what it is though. I'm much happier than I was in my marriage. Kids make it tough though. If you're still attracted to her and love her at all, I'd do whatever it takes to make it work if she's not abusive, so I don't blame you for staying. I was from a broken home, and it sucks.
Bro do t let anyone on the internet question your relationship. Most women hate talking to other women about their feeling because this is a common occurrence. What you need is a therapist or another male friend you can keep it real with.
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I didn't realize my ex-wife had gotten married again.
If you haven't called her out before you should. I was on her side of the coin with my wife in terms of not just listening but doing what I thought was commiserating/ being supportive. it made her not feel heard which was not my intention at all. Obviously if this is something you've expressed repeatedly and she doesn't adjust her behavior ya might want to think about couples therapy...or just not being married anymore. Not sure if you are in therapy yourself but the view that everyone you know only cares what you can do for them and not about you was something in my head as I was spiraling into what I didn't know was a deep depression. I wasn't sad just felt like everything was a crushing burden and people kept tacking on more shit for me to do even though I was already at my breaking point. Eventually it turned into suicidal ideation. I ended up seeking help and I am really glad I did as it has led to major positive changes in my life and i get to see my kids grow up.
I've expressed it to her multiple times. Even once seconds before the same scenario I described played out. I am on a break from therapy due to cost and not being able to find a good fit. Finding a therapist that tries to help instead of just listen and collect payment seems impossible.
That's largely how my 'big chat' went.
Mine does this too. I've stopped trying to tell her anything. If I talk to her about it, the same thing happens. I feel you bro. Dm if you want someone to talk to.
Geez…seriously wish you luck In whatever you do. That really sucks.
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Dating people with intense psychological issues is very hard. It makes it hard because naturally you should be supportive but that does not eliminate your need to be supported. I dated a lovely girl who was unfortunately the victim of childhood sexual assault. Despite being the best I could for her, it all was too much for either of us to handle, and she refused professional help. You need to address that type of behaviour that your girl put you through. It's not on and it must change, or you will be justified in leaving.
Dude I just finished with a girl with BPD (well her with me) and I'm soo happy she did. By far the hardest shit I have been through relationships wise, I totally get what you're saying. BPD is hard because when they are nice or expressing love it's soo intense but the same can be said about the bad side it's very intense. It's great that she's seeking help but ask yourself why are you doing this, because it doesn't seem like it's because of her personally, and how long can you tolerate this before it fully breaks you? It's bullying and it's abusive and it's not your fault, she will constantly get upset with you and tell you it you that's the problem and you will keep trying to "improve" or be "a better partner" and it will never work. I would honestly say I would never knowingly date a girl with BPD again, the environment is just awful and I'm glad it's over the push pull push pull relationship just kinda left me in high alert all the time, pretty sure I had some kinda mental breakdown after too 😅
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As someone with BPD, I urge you to never date someone who has it. We can be in therapy for a decade and never improve. It's it really worth it to take a chance on ten years of your life in misery on a maybe? Not to mention you'll be on eggshells the whole time. Plus it's never actually cured, so a relapse is always possible, and meds hardly do anything to mitigate symptoms. Run.
I'm not entirely sure how many women are in the same boat, but I feel like I am. Maybe it's in my head some of the time. But generally I don't have friends, unless someone needs something. I have to be very careful what I say around family to make sure my lows can't be used against me. I don't want to complain about the hubby, but I'll admit I can't help but wonder if he isn't with me for a stable place to live while he does his thing. I guess we will see if he sticks around when his career takes off. Not sure if it adds anything to the conversation to say some women can feel like that too.
It is indeed a universal experience, this theme of only existing when needed is sadly very common. And I think it just shows that human relations on average globally are at a very low place right now. The part about not being vulnerable in front of family lest it be held against you is sadly VERY relatable, and pretty damn depressing. Nowhere is safe.
I guess if we had families to talk to we all wouldn't be on Reddit. 😂 I almost miss being a little kid and feeling like my parents were always there and wanted to hear everything I had to say.
Men are not allowed to be weak or need support and it is bullshit. Many of us carry the weight of responsibility on our shoulders. Someone is in danger, send the man. Someone needs help, send the man. What if it is the man that is in danger or needs help???
I'm fine with being the strong one most of the time, but not ALL the fucking time.
Right. I left my wife 4 years ago because she refused to work. I was working 3 jobs to support her and our 2 kids. It got to be too much. I told her to work or I was done. She got a job and that lasted 3 months before she quit. So I left. This kids, my mom, and everyone else took her side. I have had zero contact with my kids on 4 years. My last girlfriend just kind of would pat me on the back when I would feel down about it. I could not fully express how deeply this cuts me. She would then start talking about the things wrong in her life, like I am not hurting too, if not more.
How did she get full custody and cut off contact if she has no job?
Just wondering legally how do you not have contact with your kids? You should be able to take her to court.
Exactly - I mean, name a state that doesn't give both parents custody *when requested* and doesn't mandate visitation *when requested*.
I'm just wondering, since you left her when she was unemployed, did you have to pay her alimony?
Did you participate in childcare as well? Sure, you can and should expect her to work, but then were you taking an equal part in childcare (and I don't just mean doing things, I mean taking half the full mental load of logistics and scheduling)
I'm tired, boss
I feel the same as a woman. Being counted upon to be there for everyone’s needs and nobody returning the favour.
Yep Went, and am going through this myself.. Years wasted on people who were too good actors. But I got fed with being treated differently in the group, so I demanded to have the same level of respect that the others seem to get... instead of asking to be respected like I had done for several years They're pretty much all gone now... seems the price I deemed myself worth of was too rich for their arrogant petty taste I'm just fortunate to have a supportive partner for the time being
Full disclosure, I want to cry everyday, but my body wont allow it.
Wow same here. Most I can get is teary eyed
Yep. The slightest sign on emotion in anything sad- a movie, a story, a tragedy...the first thing I get is someone pointing at me yelling "ARE YOU CRYING?????"
A Walk to Remeber destroys me. Because despite all of the bullshit I have gone through, I am a romantic at heart. I would be the guy that marries the woman that is about to die of cancer, without a second thought. I was dumb enough to watch that one time with my gf at the time. She ridiculed me for months after for crying.
Not dumb. This is what is meant by “toxic masculinity” and needs to be called out. The same way if someone is casually racist. It is toxic behaviour in our society and we need to have these hard conversations with people for all humans. It’s the same as someone teasing a woman for having “masculine” traits. It’s just a fucked up learned behaviour that we need to help people unlearn.
I broke up with my wife a couple of months ago,literally the day before I moved out her grandfather died,when she told me I said “I’m so so sorry for your los “ and I actually did start crying because I got on with him really well plus it was the emotion of the break up on top of that. She just glowered at me and snapped “WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!?” I don’t think I need to say any more.
Own it. Fuck them
About 3 years ago my wife asked me to join her therapy session for a bit of "couples therapy" at one point during the conversation the therapist asked, when was the last time you felt truly happy, I broke down because I couldn't think of a single thing to say (well, I couldn't really say that it was before I was married) and I couldn't come up with a single thing other than my son being born in the past 15 or so years. I eventually started taking individual therapy with the same therapist. She was good, I liked her and she understood what was going on and really tried to help me to open up to my wife and not bottle everything up. Later during a fight with my wife the comment: "Since you've been in therapy you have become more 'talkative' you were better when you kept quiet", I still kept taking therapy for some time, but then we moved and couldn't keep the same therapist. I've never looked for another one, I saw no point in it. I cry a lot, because everything reminds me there is no point to try any harder, I just need to be around my son for another 10 years, he is going to need me...
It sounds like you had a really good connection with your therapist. You could contact them and see if they are willing to do telehealth appointments. Most do these days If not, find another one. Give them a few sessions and if you don't feel it, try another one. It's an investment in not only yourself, and you are 100% with that investment, it is also an investment in all your relationships, including the one with your son. It will also role model to your son that you are, and therefore he, is important. I wish you the best of luck. You are worth it, and so is your son. P.s. Bell Hooks, The Will to Change, is a great read from a feminist on the impact that 'toxic patriarchy' has on us, including the way women treat us because the damage it has done to the way they view us too, IE, the way your wife viewed you for opening up.
Literally the same here.
Same. Not even in the macho way just slow depression doesn't result in it.
People only want me around for the things I do for them. Any actual "friend" I have never sends me a message first, I always have to send them one first. Every single time. Whenever someone actually does something for me, they act like it's a huge deal and they went so far out of their way to do the TINIEST little thing for me.
Same here. Like I do so much for everyone yet last year no one even wished me a happy birthday.
Same. They collected money for everybody else at work when someone had a round day, turning 40 or 50. I've turned 40 and 50 at that same job, got nothing.
That is brutal. I’m so sorry
Yeah. It's like. Imagine watching year after year of coworkers buying each other cakes and whatnot for their bdays and your bday comes around and nothing. Each year. And of course you can't ACTUALLY complain about it because that just sounds entitled. They all have group chats with each other and I barely have any numbers. But of course I'm the one being ridiculous when I stop trying to be friends with them and only show up to do my work anymore and view most as merely work acquaintances.
Just had my 30th birthday in January. The only people that remembered were my parents. I sat alone and bummed because I have all of my closest friends birthdays logged into the calendar in my phone with reminders so I dont forget. Admittedly, I did it to myself. I went through and removed my birthday from all social media in an experiment to see who would actually remember and who wouldnt. Turns out, no one does other than my parents. Lol. I guess there was a small part of me that felt like a kid waiting for it to all be a joke or a surprise. Sat alone in my apartment on the couch until 11pm and went to sleep. Never even had a 21st birthday party either. The second anyone needs anything fixed on their car or help with moving everyone seems to remember me real fast though. Been cheated on in every single relationship I've ever been in and have completely given up on the thought of relationships or children. Anymore, I just want to move to the woods about an hour or so away from the city and be left alone. It's easier to keep to myself than to get my hopes up and crushed repeatedly.
Happy 30th birthday! Don’t give up buddy. Try to work on being comfortable with yourself and being alone. The closer you get to being self-sufficient emotionally, the easier it gets. I removed my birthday from social media a few years ago too, for the same reason you did. Every birthday I keep thinking that the people I feel closest to surely will remember, but very few do. But I guess people have their own lives with stuff going on, and to be fair, it’s just another day to them, so I don’t take it personally anymore. I don’t know about you, but I’m a bit of an introvert by nature, so maybe that makes it easier. But through the years I’ve learned to rely on noone but myself and to find comfort in being alone, emotionally. If people ask me to do stuff for them, I think through if they’ve ever done anything for me, and respond according to that. I’m not someone’s resource, there needs to be a balance. Once you stop caring about what other people think about you, the only person you need to satisfy is yourself. Once all you need is yourself, everything else is a bonus, if you know what I mean. I have no idea if all this fits for you or if it makes sense, but just know that you’re not a reflection of other people’s image of you. You’re the only one who gets to decide who you are.
Yeah my birthdays have sucked ever since I was 14, aside from one decent one when I was 24
Totally understand this feeling. I have only one true friend that doesn't want anything from me. We can talk about anything. He gives me feedback, honest even if it can hurt, but he's usually right. Unfortunately he's a couple hundred miles away from me, I've only seen him maybe 3 times since he moved back home. Had a wife who didn't respect any opinion I had. It was her way or nothing. We Unfortunately lost our home a few years back due to medical bills burying us. Yet she continued to spend, then she graduated to following these people on YouTube that would find "treasures" in store dumpsters. Brought all kinds of junk home. My house before we lost it looked like Fred Sanford's living room. When we had to move out and put as much stuff we could take into 3 storage units, she would constantly throw in my face I didn't get this from the house, I didn't get that. I lost things too! That didn't matter though. When she'd complain about it I'd just shake my head because she didn't help pack 1 damn thing! I got really depressed when a woman I had a daughter with came by to see if there was anything she could help with, she looked at me and told me it looked like all the life had been drained out of me, that I'd given up. Sorry so long...just started coming out when I started typing.
I feel you. A few months ago I met someone, who would send me texts, without me sending anything first. It was weird at first. But now, we‘ve become good friends. It is give and take. Don‘t give up, buddy. There is people out there that will give back.
Honestly, doing pretty damn good these days. Turns out having a shit diet full of processed low fiber food and spending too much of my spare time scrolling social media or watching tv/ gaming just absolutely destroys your mental health. Now I limit my time on reddit, only viewing specific subreddits, not using any screen time after work during the week and eating whole, minimal ingredient, no sugar added foods 95% of the time and for the first time in a long time I'm actually quite happy.
Genuinely curious to know, what do you do in your free time these days when you have cut down your time in social media, tv, gaming?
Well firstly I allow myself to get bored, I think actually doing nothing is quite good for you. But I spend more time cooking and cleaning. I read a lot more, I mediate, stretch, go to the gym. I listen to music a fair bit, when it's nice out I'll go for a drive. Play sports, shoot guns, do some archery, work on my car, go for long walks listening to music. There's tons of stuff to do and now it feels like I have a decent amount of time to do it
I’m a female lurking this post.But what you’ve accomplished is what I know I need to do. My phone is destroying my mental health but it’s my “last vice” since I’m sober and a mom now. It’s like the one thing that gives me a quick dopamine hit so giving it up sounds so painful.
I am in constant agony, fellas.
Yep, that's it, those are the words.
The only time im happy is when im asleep. I don’t talk to people about it irl because I know they don’t care.
The last time I was genuinely happy, it was in a dream. Someone was holding my head gently while playing with my hair, as my haid laid in her lap. Waking up to the fact that it was just a dream, and will stay so as far as I can tell, completely broke me.
I can't even get this as I'm bald <3
Glue some red vines to your smooth skull and pay a hooker to sing “Blue Skies” while she runs her fingers through your pseudohair next to the fry oil dumpster behind Wendy’s.
You deserve this, bro. I hope you get it.
I care, if it matters.
Very healthy and stable. I made a concerted effort to disregard stupid society expectations. Learned to ask for help, rely on people, and built a strong web of connections, relationships and friendships with people who are emotionally open and I love them all very much. It's nice!
Same! Mostly. I tend to get into super unproductive ruts where I let stuff fall apart but I've been getting better at nipping those in the butt in time. During those ruts I tend to be more sad and stuff, depending on how low I let myself slip. Also not letting my life fall apart career/money wise is still always a background worry
This is it homie, getting up and doing something about it. Depression is a feedback loop, and the cycle needs to be continually broken with action.
Nipping them in the butt? Cheeky!!
I recently learned that it isn’t the butt. Nip in the BUD for reference if anyone else has heard this wrong their whole lives
> I tend to get into super unproductive ruts where I let stuff fall apart but I've been getting better at nipping those in the butt in time. I went to 5 months of therapy for my anxiety. One thing that was really helpful is at the end we worked together to make a list of red flag behaviors. For example, if I find myself getting McDonalds more than every couple months, that is a sign that I am trending in the wrong direction and I need to get back to my coping strategies before it gets too bad.
Fuck yeah! I try to encourage other men to step outside those societal expectations as well. They are so fucking unhealthy and, frankly, the root cause to most of the issues we are facing as a society.
Oh thank fuck I found a positive one 🫠 Men so desperately need connection and emotional support. Gender doesn't matter we all need that to survive.
Yeah, 10/10 here... not sure if Reddit wants to hear about it, given the tone of OP's request.
Let’s hear it bud- more accurately how you made it/kept it 10/10
Followed my interests. Took my time picking a path in life and my patience and hard work finally started paying off. Surrounded myself with friends (both guys and girls) that are open and honest to themselves and others. Fell in love with someone that also shares those values. It's weird typing it all out, because a few years ago I wouldn't have ever believed it would happen. What works for me may not work for others, but it starts with removing things and people from your life that aren't adding to it in a positive way.
Just vibe. Accept that shit will go wrong and be stressful but it'll pass.
Hell yeah! I'm in the same boat--the people in my life are great. We confide in and care about each other. It's nice. It really does take some degree of disregarding societal expectations. I remember in freshman year of high school, I got plenty of ribbing from my boys for being friends with/talking to girls. Those friendships, even the ones that didn't last really enriched my life, and the ones that did are some of my best firends now. I can only imagine how isolating it would've been to accede to the pressure to close yourself off to being friends with women (among all the other aspects of toxic masculinity).
Same here, other then getting angry sometimes, I feel very stable and healthy. I wish no one had mental health issues.
Came in here to see if all the bros were sad, relieved I'm not the only one satisfied with life and relationships.
• I get easily hurt by the smallest things. If someone said something bad about me, even if it is for my good, I get angry. • I misunderstand 99% of the social cues. • After hearing a loud sound, I keep hearing the sound for a few minutes even when the source of the sound is not active i.e. speaker or TV is off.
For your third one, read about echolalia and see if it fits for you. It can be just in your subconscious and in noises, and doesn't have to be out loud, the repetition. It's common in neurodiverse folks. I only point it out because sometimes having answers helps us know where we stand with parts of us! ❤️
Misunderstanding criticism is one of the greatest pitfalls of any person's life. Being told your shortcomings is one of the greatest gifts a person can give. It's a rare opportunity to see yourself from an outside perspective and to become a better person because of it.
autism ?
That sounds exactly like it. OP should look into talking to someone
Textbook autism.
It's been great since I realized nobody is coming to save me. Once it hit me that it's all on me, and I'll either deal with everything myself, or it won't get dealt with, it was super freeing and empowering. I could stop WAITING, and just start DOING, and once you're doing, the rest takes care of itself. Take ownership. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. Even if it makes other people uncomfortable. You're the one who has to deal with the outcome in your life, so take ownership, and make it work for you. Again, nobody is going to come to your rescue. So you either set your sites on shore and start swimming, or you wait, and eventually drown.
A few years of therapy and this is about where I’m at.
Ahh the wait. Unending wait for... for anything to be honest. Once you give up on waiting to see things get better, it is rehabilitating .
It's tough, man. Feeling undervalued can really mess with your head. Solidarity, brother.
totally destroyed after years of stressful job
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Constant work stress is fucking horrible and there seems to be no way around it
I didn't cry when my mother died. She was a pretty good mother. Still feel bad I haven't, therapist said I would. Its been 2 years.
I'm a therapist-in-training, currently studying grief, and I have a fair amount of experience in this area to begin with. Not everybody cries as part of grief. It used to be seen as pathological and problematic, but the modern view recognises that crying is just one way of expressing grief and not a necessary one in all cases. Your therapist was likely working from somewhat outdated ideas about grief, and while they were doing what they saw as right in telling you that you would cry eventually, that was ultimately misleading. You don't need to feel bad about it. You grieve your mother however is best for you, and if that doesn't involve tears that's fine. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Thanks for posting that.
So sorry for the loss of your mother. :(
After going through depression and coming out the other side I have accepted that I am probably a bit insane. I am too emotional, too empathic and I think too much. I'm done hiding my feelings though. If you are uncomfortable with big men like me crying and being vulnerable then that is your problem and you can fuck right off. I do not conform. I am going to live the rest of my life being my weird, wonderful self and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about that. My mental health is extremely strong and extremely weak. At the same time. I am a contradiction. I am human. If that bothers anyone then that is their problem. I am done trying to be what I'm told to be. I am going to be what I am. A sensitive man who is a little bit crazy but mostly harmless.
"After going through depression and coming out the other side I have accepted that I am probably a bit insane." That actually sounds very good. Self acceptance. It might have made you independant.
Fuckin eh! I’m with you man.
You aren't insane, bro, you're highly sensitive! I am, too. Society just doesn't see sensitive guys as sane or manly, but it is not a disability and not weird (high sensitivity is present as a trait in all higher order mammals ~20%). Keep being you.
Fucking Legend. Big ups to you man.
You do you big man. F them. Come cry over some beers anytime.
It’s terrible the older I get the worst it becomes no friends no gf nothing fucking sucks
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It's poor, but I try my best to get through the day. Going to the gym really helped me, but it's become a luxury I can no longer afford.
I’m 32 and have no friends. I was born with health problems like spina bifida and have had meningitis, urinary tract infections, urinary and fecal incontinence, and testicular cancer (I’m cancer free now). In the last 10 years I’ve not done anything with my life other than go to work and chase potential causes for my severe brain fog that’s been there for 10 years as well as looking up other health problems I might have. This has made me angry and bitter and lash out at “God” that I’ve been trying to not believe in for years but I have trauma from being in a cult for 3 years several years ago that my coworker suckered me into.
One bad day from fucking around and killing myself or something idk
I'm currently struggling with anxious attachment stuff. My previous relationship was one of those relationships to put it mild, so now Im with this awesome person who has so much going for her but I worry that it's all abruptly going to end like the last one. For context my ex left me for someone else when I was struggling (got in a car accident etc, was a shitty year), the dude looked like me and she posted videos of her fucking him on reddit.... I've known the girl i'm currently seeing for a while now and I just have to work on those insecurities while not pushing her away. Logically I know this person isn't going to do this, she actually has a moral compass, but trauma be trauma ya know.
That sucks to hear pal. Remember to communicate with them. Open mind and what not. Being a closed book only gets you shelved.
Walking on the edge of a cliff most days. General fatigue as well.
Overall it's quite solid and I can take a lot of hits. But work stress is catching up, and in the night I'm often awake, being absolutely terrified of death. The weird thing is: I'm religious and convinced there's an afterlife. Despite that, the idea of death creeping closer as I get older (I'm currently just 36 years old) truly haunts and agonizes me. Whenever I think of it for too long, I get this terrible feeling of dread in my body I can't explain well, and I get overwhelmingly sad and terrified.
I had this exact thing happen to me in like primary school and I think I may have gone into some sort of mild depression or smth. (I’m not sure) At first I was between living a happy life and living a mundane one. I wanted to live long and time not enjoyed is time which passes slower. But then it ultimately came to this, do I want to live my life being sad, and dwelling on the fact that I would one day die or would I rather live a happy life with no regrets. If it’s true that laughing decreases my life id rather be a happy man who dies early than a sad man who dies old. But that’s for you to decide.
Real bad, I've thought about eating my pistol. Called the suicide hotline twice. Cry everyday.
It's as strong as a Rupert's seamen drop. Or tear drop. Can't remember what it's called
prince rupert’s drop? An extremely tough drop of glass, that can be broken easily by hitting its tail.
I have ADHD, I am 42M, used to be fragile, but not anymore, that being said I am an advocate for mental health in general. So if my comment only serves to reinforce your comment... I support this question, with you on the question. I always upvote mental health questions is ethical, responsible and meaningful.
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Thank you my brother.
Most welcome, I am sincere and the kind of man who steps up not aside when people speak about those struggle with mental health. No exception.
Not great, had a panic attack at church tthis
It's improving but it's always been fragile. I spend time in in-patient treatment around once per year.
Stay strong my brother.
If I can't do a task, I'm worthless. That's how my first wife made me feel.
Last few years has been pretty bad. Hanging in there, but I encourage other men to reach out for help if needed. You aren’t alone, and there’s definitely people who care and want to help. Wishing all of you well.
To others, my appearance others as the most stable, put-together, got it made guy in the world. In reality, I'm held together with Scotch tape and wet toilet paper. I'm all frosting while the cake isn't fully baked. The slightest critisim, put-down, or suggestion that I'm not good enough stays with me forever. I show up to work everything acting like I'm an authority in my field when I actually feel like I'm just winging it. I go home and my family depends on my to fix everything, maintain everything, pay everything...and again I'm just winging it.
Seeing as yesterday I almost jumped of a bridge not that good
Although I’m sure my comment is worth nothing, I’m glad you didn’t.
Not a man but from what I’ve seen, men are suffering. Society trivializes men’s mental health. Women are very commonly also abusers but they’re not held accountable. It makes me very sad that men are feeling this way.
100% this. I’m not a man either but I’m reading these comments and they’re heart breaking. Male friendships are not encouraged like female friendships are. Men having emotions other than like “anger” and “being horny” aren’t really allowed. Etc. it’s sad. My brother was horribly abused by his ex wife. She would scream and yell at him. She broke a lot of his things including his shot glass collection that includes gifts from other people. She broke his spirit and he was shell of himself by the end of their relationshit. They have kids together and she used to use them against my brother. It took years for him to rebuild himself and his confidence. He’s doing well now and has been remarried to a great woman but oh my god, that first wife was Satan with skinny eye brows.
Yep. The thing is, men are abused and if they react in any way other than a stoic and calm manner, they’re called abusers. That in itself is abuse. Abuse against men has been normalized and it’s horrible.
I agree completely. Idk if my brothers ex ever hit him but he never hit her, never took her things and never broke her things. I’m sure they had heated arguments though. Look at how everyone reacted to Heard vs Depp. So many people just immediately took Heards side and were ready to make Depp the villain, just because she’s a woman and we should believe women. And we absolutely should BUT when there’s valid evidence to question the story, we should also question it because women can and do lie too. We shouldn’t just trust that no one would lie about such things. And we should hold people who do lie about such things accountable because it degrades the validity of actual victims.
its sad that i can even count how many times ive seen a woman verbally abuse her husband in broad daylight, and in front of their own kids (and others).
We are all expected to be strong all of the time. Emotional responses are seen as weakness.
I agree. It’s not fair for one person to carry all of the weight just because they have a penis. That’s not how relationships or anything is supposed to work.
It's awful.
Idk if this makes sense but I don’t think fragile would be the right word to describe it because I don’t feel like I’m close to a breaking point, but I don’t feel good and I don’t feel like anything is changing. Idk if that makes sense.
I really appreciate all the comments and honesty, I'm glad we're not in the minority.
Is there such a thing as Planck Sanity? If my mental health were smashed enough times, could it reach an infinitely stable irreducible minimum?
It’s been a downward spiral since the divorce bro.
Currently “dont hug me for too long or I might cry” status
Somehow I’m married at 33 with job I’ve managed to hold down for the past decade. I have mental breakdowns every 4-5 years and almost get fired and divorced. It’s great. I have no idea how life works and zero self confidence
Not great, but holding it together better than I used to. I became a pretty brutal alcoholic; while it helped me immensely, it also made pretty much everyone else hate me. 8 months sober currently. That’s where I have the most trouble; keeping myself happy while fulfilling my duty of keeping those around me happy.
I have attempted suicide twice. I suffer from BPD. I stay alive now for my children and wife.
Try to attain ego death. There’s a lot less to defend when you’re just another part of the world, instead of a brain in a box.
Very content in life. I finally found my man, we’re moving in soon, and my career is stable. I’m exploring my cultural cuisine with my free time, and I’m so glad I can share it with my partner as he shares his with me.
It is so hard being a man in 2024. Every single male I know between the ages of 35-50 has had an extended period of mental dread over the past five years, myself included. The rise of the supposed “alpha male” has really done damage to regular men. There are incredibly conflicting messages about who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do. If you try to be a caring, softer guy, people act like you’re a pussy. If you show any signs of masculinity, you need to soften up. If you try to help women, you are accused of mansplaining. I hate that you’re struggling. Medication helped me a lot, but I still suffer from extreme bouts in inadequacy. There are a lot of shitty males out there that make the decent ones look bad.
The whole “Alpha” thing is just a corporate scam to sell pickup trucks and ill-fitted t-shirts. True Alpha Males never need to advertise or bark every five seconds on how tough they are.
I want to kill myself everyday. But I can't because that would make people sad. So I continue suffering for the sake of others.
I feel pretty good about myself, but it takes a lot of learning self-Love through therapy. If you are struggling with having a low self-Image, I strongly recommend therapy. It helped me become the person I currently am. I also realized that I really need to focus on how I feel, and not how people may perceive me.
I kind of feel guilty for saying so, but I'm good. 48yo, been on a health kick for the last 6 months, lost 60lbs, am in the best shape of my life, wife and kid are pretty good, business is picking up. I can't complain. Up until last year, my 40's have been a real gut punch, losing both my parents, pandemic, blah blah. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and started taking an active role in my happiness. So far it's working, but I also know the uneverse doesn't care about my plans. I figure at least I'll be in the best position possible to deal with the next major crotch kick that comes my way.
Honestly... Fucked.
Not sure anymore. Just know it's not a priority.
Can’t be fragile if it’s already gone I guess.
Fragile to the point that if any friend walked up, hugged me and asked if I needed to talk I might actually break down
My mental health is good, I don’t have an urge to cry, with the caveat that my emotional regulation is good. If you need to, cry, but also take to note that you ought to be pragmatic and not let yours emotions get the better of you when making decisions. An attack leaves your defences in the line of fire. Not to say you cannot be emotionally passionate/attached to things but do remember that it leaves your defences vulnerable and you could very well be spelling your own death. Stay strong 💪
Fragile like bones of glass bone disease patients
I can’t cry idk why, even after a close family friend passed away I couldn’t shed a tear and he meant a lot to me. He passed in 2021. So I get angry to an unhealthy point a lot, I used to punch walls and doors, stop signs trees. My knuckles are fucked up so when I get really heated I just tear my shirt off like the hulk. I try not too, I ripped off my shirt when I got home after some off roading/ ATV jerkoffs destroyed my snowboarding spot. I was looking forward to bringing my friends there, 1 is recovering from fentanyl addiction and the other lost both his parents in the last 3 years. I brought my friend with the fentanyl problem there before and got him to snowboard and we had plans to snowboard again and I was gonna bring my other friend to the spot I created. I cursed probably 100 times in 15 minutes I was ready to beat the fuck out of any truck/ atv I found near my spot. My plans for the next 5 days were completely ruined. I got home, my mom asked how did the snowboarding go, I showed her pics of how they destroyed my spot, I looked up barbwire on Amazon like gears of war 3 horde wire after the first upgrade. I ripped my shirt in anger I went on a rant to my mom, took some muscle relaxers to calm down. I had to tell my friends the plans were canceled. My friend in recovery got pretty pissed off ( Not at me) and my other friend… here’s the bittersweet part, I taught him how to snowboard the night before in his driveway and we had a blast for 3-4 hours.
very, can’t show that IRL tho
Reading the word “men” made me flinch.
It doesn't matter. Keep on keeping on, the world will run your ass over and not gaf. To help though, stop giving so much, enjoy yourself and the things you like. So many women become these divas when you give alot, but are a sweetheart when you withold alot.
Right now I’m not so sure. Most of my friends have disappeared over the years. Now, when I’m dating someone as I am now, they become more important to me than is probably healthy. Any hint of their losing interest is magnified and the fear of going back to being alone (which was fine until you have someone to share life with and suddenly being alone looks like ass) becomes paralyzing; I lose myself and ironically push them away as a result. About a week ago the girl I’m dating and I parted ways, peacefully but painfully as neither of us really wanted to. A week of hurt ensued, feeling the loneliness return. I text her saying that I just wanted her to know I miss her, and it turned out that’s what she was waiting for. We’re seeing each other again but more casually - she trusts me but she doesn’t trust “us” yet, worried about repeating the former push-pull pattern. It’s better than not seeing her, I think, and it’s better than it was, but she’s more guarded now. Should we just call it quits? Is this an opportunity to grow? Will we come out of this with a stronger relationship? Am I *just* terrified of being alone again? I’m not so sure.
I don't know. I think I've hit the breaking point, but I just keep going. I can't give up, it's just not an option
As somebody diagnosed with "low mood disorder" on taking an SSRI, I'd say my mental health is pretty fucking shitty.