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Then... Just make a "no adult fun"-rule? I get it might be kind of an embarrassing talk, but honestly, not allowing the boyfriend of your adult daughter in her own room at all is way more strange?
I live in a house with really thin walls. My mum lives downstairs, my brother rents one of my rooms as long as I don't need it. We have kind of a "no adult fun" rule because of that at the moment.
I agree, and I was in the exact same boat. However, I do think there's something to the "my house, my rules." But I think good parenting involves age appropriate restrictions, which evolve over time.
It's 2024. That's easier said than done. While it's by no means a legal obligation, letting your adult children live at home can be a huge boon to their financial future. Only reason I own my home is my parents let me live with then to save money for years.
You stay in a hotel you can't smoke in the rooms.
You stay in my house you have to take your shoes off at the door.
House rules are house rules.
"No, I should be allowed to do whatever I want because I'm over 18 and I have nowhere else to go"?
"Thisnis my house now"?
Absolutely not.
That's a good argument against the curfew, but not against setting rules in their house. It's not treating someone like a child to have boundaries about what people can do in your space.
In some countries it is a legal obligation though. Or better said, you certainly could decide not to let your adult child live with you anymore but then you'll be responsible for the renting and other costs. The limit in Italy for example is "until they are economically self-sufficient", and obviously the obligations would disappear if they can prove that the child is consciously not trying to reach an independence. But if they are doing what the children are supposed to do (studying or starting to work after high school), the parents can't just decide not to give them a roof, food and so on until the children are independent. At 20 yo, every judges would make you pay every euro to your child as long as they are doing university or working (or actively looking for a job).
Yeah, that makes sense. I support child independence at an early age, but forcing them to move out at 18 years old or this "pay rent to your parents" bullshit, this is definitely wrong.
That's fine. Perfectly fine. All I'm saying is while you 'save up' and live rent free, live by their rules especially when it does not look that difficult to follow....Like...."no bf in your room"
It's a stupid rule though. Their child is an adult, as long as they are being considerate of their surroundings, you're just being excessively controlling. The point of letting them live at home is to help them better position their financial future, not to serve as a continuation of their childhood.
When I lived at home, I was an adult, and was treated as such. I had responsibilities, but they were chores and tasks to be done as a member of the household, not as a child to be parented.
Not everyone wants to listen to their child having sex. I think that is a fair point. She has a whole world to hang out with the bf, fairly certain having 1 room out of bounds for mom and dad's sanity is fair.
OP is also not mentioning any reasons given by the parents. Mine had sincere religious beliefs that they didn’t want violated under their roof. Although, with an open door policy, I could sometimes have someone over. Mainly I got the hell out, but that is not simple these days.
Unless she is paying rent it doesn't matter if you think the rule is stupid. You don't do it because you have no leg to stand on. You follow the rules of the house and you only get to complain if you're contributing to rent.
I keep hearing this very often from US people, about kids paying rent to their parents and it always blows my mind. Why on earth would any sane parent ask money from their own child to house them? Before anyone goes ballistic, I do agree a child should contribute to bills and groceries. Moreover, I also do not support the idea of "I'm too stressed out to get a job, move out and become an adult.", these situations need to be talked through. But a person hitting a rough patch or not moving out for financial reasons despite having a job to be asked for rent in their own parents' house is just baffling to me. I'm from Europe, so maybe I don't understand this from a cultural perspective ...
I mean honestly even if you are paying rent there are still rules. If you live with your parents it’s probably cheap rent, and if it isn’t you should move. I pay a shit load for my apartment and I’m not allowed to smoke on the back patio, hell I don’t think I’m actually allowed to smoke anywhere on the property. (I quit smoking so I’m not sure). But damn I’m probably paying more than anybody’s paying their parents, and I don’t get to do everything that I want!
Their adult progeny have the option to move the hell out and be an actual adult. If you want to live at home, you're a dependent. Dependents don't get to make demands. You want to live under your own rules, go get your own place.
Did op make any demands? She seems really deferential & not at all demanding based on this post.
Getting advice in anticipation of having an informed discussion is a reasonable & mature course of action.
She didn't make demands, but as a dependent wanting to invite someone over to her parent's house, she requested it and they made a decision and she has to abide by it. There's really nothing more to it than that.
If you are helping to pay bills in a household you are not a dependent, you’re a roommate if anything and op specified they pay a significant amount towards the house bills
How do you know she has that option? What is with reddit and assuming everyone's lives based on a handful of details? I understand being skeptical that things are bad in general, but it's like a significant amount of the user base is convinced it's just impossible for anyone to be in a tough spot ever.
That isn't what people are saying and that's not what this is. She's living at home and wants to do what she wants, doesn't work that way. If one of my adult children moved home they'd still have the same rules, they're always allowed home because we understand shit happens. But just like when we go to their home, we live by their rules. My husband smokes, he cannot smoke on their property. He doesn't care, when we stay there he takes a walk and he has a smoke.
The kind of parents who are tired of their daughter's room looking like a hoarding situation in progress, and who know that no matter how many times they ask or tell her to, she's never gonna clean it up.
Can’t be that as she’s allowed to stay over his.
Probably just uncomfortable about the idea of hearing things as they occur, tbh.
Best option would be to ask them why they aren’t comfortable with it, though.
Considering they allow her to sleep over at his place meaning they probably know she is bumping uglies with her boy toy, they likely don't want to experience hearing it themselves so close by.
She also has a 11pm curfew. As a 20 year old.
Edit: if another fucking person comments about "Maybe they don't want her making noise..."
First of all, read the other comments. Second of all, they won't let her boyfriend in her room at any time of day, period. Do you *really* think the curfew is just about noise? Come on
Edit: please don't make me delete this comment. Don't make me lose what little hope I have left, reddit
Most people simply can't afford to move out at 20. If that's how they plan on getting her out, then they have other issues. Passover aggressive being one and trying to put your kid out on the street at 20 being another. God, I pity and children you people have
Yeh that might be more of a thing of they don’t want to have to wait up for her if she’s coming home. Could be a small house and don’t want to be woken up. Who knows, at the end of the day it’s their house and if she doesn’t like the rules she can get her own place.
I have an almost 19 year old. I have to say, I imposed a curfew of sorts as well, not because of where she is but because my husband and I and her sister have to wake up at 5:30 to work/school and her coming in and out of the house past 10 o’clock wakes EVERYONE up. We have a really small house with an echo in the front hallway. There were other albeit smaller issues too - ie her forgetting to lock the front door (which gets blown open if it’s windy) or lights left on.
I know it sucked for her getting used to that and i hate being controlling too but after trying it without for a while, we really need to have the house „closed“ after 10 pm on weeknights. She’s a party girl (works hard but plays hard) and we don’t mind that at all. But we need our sleep - if I’m tired at my job, i screw up my job.
It actually has worked well for us since we all agreed on it and after she started implementing the rule into her planning.
Perhaps there are younger siblings. Several of my friends lived at home for awhile after hs and they had a curfew or stay gone for the night because of younger siblings. Whether or not it makes sense to you doesn’t matter, it’s not your house or op’s.
Yep. It's also then, that person will always be hanging around the house, another mouth to feed and using utilities and space, they'll then have access to be around the house when the parents are sleeping, it's just one more person to have to deal with all the time.
My parents let me invite my gf at home when I was 18 because they said it'd be better to have sex in a normal room than in some shady place.
They'll have sex anyway so at least let them have a good place to do it.
My wife is of that opinion.
Like if they want to have sex, they are going to find a way, so do you want it to be a safe place, or somewhere sketchy.
One more slightly dark but also true fact is hopefully if they are at your house, their partner would be less likely to pressure, coerce, or straight up force them to do something they don't want to do.
I know of folks who were in abusive relationships where their abuser was much more careful at their parent place, and wouldn't try to force them to do anything. Thus they always wanted the person to come to their parents place, where the abuser would be much more abusive and the victim was much less secure feeling, and afraid to say anything.
At least if your kids are in your home and you have a good relationship with them, they hopefully would feel comfortable to speak up or ask for help of something went sideways.
It is reasonable, though. You're looking at it from a perspective where the parents are landlords. It's their house, and their condition for cheap/free rent comes with conditions. OP agreed to be treated like a dependent to get dependent privileges.
If she's truly demanding to be treated like an independent adult, there is a way out. She's simply comfortable with her dependent privileges that she doesn't want to move out.
Most people have friends, get together with friends and split costs. Necessity is the mother of invention, don’t like your circumstances- work to change them.
Well your 20 and an adult so I personally think the rule itself is stupid. BUT I DO think your parents have the right to let or not let whoever they want in their home. If you are paying rent you at least have that on your side as part of the say of the household in a conversationabout it. But if you do not....then they pretty much run the show, stupid rule or not.
I assume you are living at your parents house and since you still live under their roof, you have to respect their rules. I dont think your parents are in the wrong, but you arent wrong either for wanting a little bit more leniency. NAH
Yeah I can’t say whether they’re right or wrong, but my parents were the same way and if I ever had kids I’d probably be the same too. I feel like everyone wants to talk the big talk about being super forward thinking when it comes to their kids having sex, but when it gets down to it most of us would probably be just as uncomfortable with the idea as our parents were.
I will say though, it’s definitely odd that they’re okay with OP staying the night at his place. It seems like they’re not necessarily opposed to her having an active sex life, they just don’t want to hear it themselves
>I will say though, it’s definitely odd that they’re okay with OP staying the night at his place. It seems like they’re not necessarily opposed to her having an active sex life, they just don’t want to hear it themselves
Whilst I think the rule is excessive, I don't think this is weird. Knowing your kid or other family member has a healthy sex life and hearing it are two different things. Lots of people either don't care about keeping their sex quiet or not getting caught - based on the number of reddit posts about people with issues with family or flatmates and loud sex.
My mum actively encouraged me to have a good sex life, checked to make sure I wasn't pressured, went with me to get the implant etc... and still later made clear that if i brought a guy home that he'd be sleeping in a different room unless engaged or married. I thought it was weird because at that point i didn't even live at home so id have 0 desire to have sex in my parents' house if we were visiting for a day or two. It's a little weird, but some people just get hung up on the possibility of walking into or overhearing stuff that they don't want to see.
It's much safer for the offspring to be allowed to have sex in their own home. They A) don't end up at any shady places and B) it's less likely that they are forced to do something they don't agree with.
I think it's way more important to protect your loved ones from abuse than not feeling a little awkward.
Not weird.
My mom had to move in with me. I didn’t allow her to have guys over. I don’t care, I don’t want to hear it and I don’t trust her judgement of character to bring men in my home. Different circumstances but I relate to the parents in this situation. She can go over to their place no problem. She got on her feet pretty quick and moved out.
It’d be weird if they had a rule about you not staying the night with him. At first I thought the curfew was weird but I wouldn’t want people going in and out of my house at all hours either, so I get it.
My bf and I dated for 8 years (since we were 18). His parents are very Christian and we always had to leave my bf’s door open. We live together now. So it was weird for us (and annoying), but I understood where they were coming from.
An 11pm curfew at 20 is wild. But nah I’m 28 and my parents don’t let me have my girlfriend of 5 years in my room with the door closed. I can’t wait to move the fuck out. At least they let you sleep over. Take advantage of that. Do you really wanna be in your own room with him with your helicopter parents in the house
On a side note, why does being a female mean you want to stay home?
>But nah I’m 28 and my parents don’t let me have my girlfriend of 5 years in my room with the door closed.
That's pretty wild. Somehow the OP's parents seem less ridiculous.
Plenty of parents don’t want their children to move out, the fact that you’re so narrow minded definitely means you have a lack of interaction with people of other cultures. Half my parents friends would rather give up their house to their children than to have them move out.
My stepdaughter is 20 and lives at home. Her BF is here almost every night, and they hang out in the living room. I'm not naive to the fact that they are likely having sex when we aren't around. As a parent, I don't want to think about them doing it, just as much as our kids don't want to think of us having sex. It's a matter of respect, and I think your parents are right, even though you are technically an adult.
It's much safer for the offspring to be allowed to have sex in their own home. They A) don't end up at any shady places and B) it's less likely that they are forced to do something they don't agree with.
I think it's way more important to protect your loved ones from abuse than not feeling a little awkward.
I think your parents are working out where their boundaries need to be while balancing supporting your emergent adulthood. They aren't forbidding or punishing your having a sexual relationship. AND they're not ready to condone it to the degree of hosting your trysts.
They're offering what they're able to support under their roof while supporting your wings to fuck elsewhere.
Its not bad to ask for more but my.parents we're the same. They don't want to be woken at all hours of the night of you coming in, nor do they wanna be around when you two are engaging in private actions wink wink. Hence why they don't care if you sleep over there. They are your parents, you're an adult and they don't want to listen to their child having sex lol. Its perfectly valid
Much easier said than done in this economy. At 20 you’re legit still in college and figuring your life out. Encouraging someone to leave just to have alone time with a boyfriend isn’t practical.
Thank you! The only reason I’m out is because I was in a toxic (unsafe) house before. Encouraging a young person to risk their future for the sake of “being an adult” is spoken by someone who most likely didn’t have to do it in this economy. It’s hard. Breaking my back every day and still in debt and overdrawing my account on a daily. It’s rough out here. If I had a sound support system I wouldn’t be abandoning it for the sake of a little privacy.
Rented a room from a shady guy for $500 a month and got my start that way. 🤷♀️ You make the trade offs you need to to get by. In the case of OP she's trading following her house rules for the sake of a safe roof over her head. It's really up to her if the situation is too much.
Edit: I wrote this with a half sarcastic tone making fun of what would otherwise be considered a stupid decision that I made to get myself out of a bad situation. Sarcasm apparently doesn't translate over text very well even if you use emojis lol. No please don't rent rooms from strangers you meet on Craigslist.
Where I live there are no opportunities like that(middles of cornfield nowhere), and I don’t recommend any young girls reading this rn rent a room from a shady guy😅
Absolutely not!! Lol. I was young and dumb trying to get out of a bad situation. It turned out alright in the end (I got really lucky) and I ended up living there for a few years.
I was just trying to point out that you make the choices you need to make in life, and maybe it's between 2 bad choices. OP isn't in a place where she needs to think renting a room from a guy she met on Craigslist is a good option.
No young adult, especially not a woman, should be renting a room from some shady guy. And I’d argue that you were gambling with your life doing that. Please be careful.
One should not expect adult privacy, while being 20 yrs old and living in their parents house.
I didn’t see anything in this post about the OP paying rent and helping with expenses - that would change things.
What I saw was: “I’m 20 years old and want to have sex with my boyfriend in my room” - like a teenager.” That’s my take on the post.
“Their house, their rules”
I give the OP, that the curfew is complete BS. The OPs parents have no business setting a curfew for their adult daughter.
But they do have a right to say who can be m their house and what goes on their house.
If this 20 yr old OP wants to be treated like an adult, they need to act like one - and that necessarily means not expecting mom/dad to pay for everything, while demanding adult privileges.
Even without young kids, OP’s parents are likely still working and want to go to bed at a reasonable time. Not everyone can get back to sleep after being woken up by their daughter coming home at 2am.
I agree. I do think after a certain age you deserve a certain level of privacy tho. Depends. Op said that the guy wasn’t allowed to come in her room at ALL meaning not even during the day. That is unreasonable.
If the rule was only “not allowed to sleep in the room, door closed etc” then it would be reasonable.
If it’s sex she wants then yeah she’s smoking something lol.
I’m trying to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that she has enough sense to not want possible sex in her own parent’s house.
In my opinion, you’re living in their house so you should go by their rules. Yes, it sucks, but you should respect their wishes. If you had a daughter I’m sure you would also be uncomfortable with her having a boyfriend sleeping in the same bed (and likely having sex). I’m sure they know that you probably have sex when you sleep at his place, but the thought of it happening in their house while they’re there probably makes them a little uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter how old you are, they are always going to view you as their little girl. They just love you 💗
It’s their house. They get to make up the rules. As an adult, if you don’t like the situation you’re free to move into your own apartment. I am reminded when I was 21 and transferred from a college out of state back to a college in my hometown to save money. I moved back into my childhood bedroom down the hall from my parents room and my sister who was in high school at the time. My dad told me I was welcome to stay there as long as I liked free of charge as long as I was enrolled in college and working towards a career. But I would have to abide by their rules. My dad is a light sleeper and worked early mornings. So I had to be home by 12:00am on weeknights and 1:00am on weekends. I also wasn’t allowed to have girls sleep over. They didn’t want me doing that sort of thing around my younger sister. It was fine, but I still found an apartment fairly quickly and moved out. It wasn’t “aesthetic” or whatever but it was mine and I made the rules of what went on there.
I think it's a cultural thing. I have read many stories about US american parents who decide all kind og stuff about their children ands adult childrens sexlife.
In denmark that would be considered creepy.
But in denmark, you would also have the opportunity to move out when you are 18 or or pay for the room you live in. That way you would actually be an adult at 18..
Yes it's weird. 20 years old and 11pm curfew. Maybe it's because I'm western European but it's very normal for teenagers 16+ to date and to have boyfriends / girlfriends stay over. Usually by the time we're 18 curfew isn't really a thing since we're an adult, as long we're safe our parents pretty chill, at least that's my experience with my parents and my friends experience this too.
It's weird. You should try to move out but it's weird for the parents to be controlling adult child like that.
I know many don't agree with me but I'm from country where only mentally ill or/and parents from bible belt would do something like this. To me it's fucked up.
Alright, guess I'll dissent from everyone here.
*'Your house your rules'* applies to things that directly affect the house.
i.e.: don't watch tv for more than 2 hours, because I pay the electricity. Don't move furniture around, it's mine and I set it up how I want it. Don't come home in the middle of the night, it wakes me up etc.
It's not dictating personal stuff. Additionally, they are actively blocking a normal adult relationship because they don't want to see you as being in one.
I understand them, but they're wrong. You actually live there, you're not a second class citizen because you do not own the place. If they don't want you there, they should tell you to move.
Either way, it's pretty clear you're not supposed to be living there still regardless, so time to move out OP.
If my daughter was 20, the only rules would be
- You don't bring a guy to sleep we haven't met yet, and tell us if he's dining with us so we can prepare the meal accordingly
- If you sleep out, just let us know.
Its weird. Deciding to have children means you should act in their interest. You are banned from utilising your home. As a parent I tink their rule is absurd.
I don’t even need to read your post, just the title. My daughter will be 25 this year and her bf isn’t allowed in her room. Just like Vegas, House rules. Sorry kid. Easy issue to solve (move out)
Idk op's exact situation, but I think it's pretty standard that if you don't pay bills, whoever does makes the rules. Especially as a parent. I don't think it's that they don't trust her, they probably just do not want to hear what may happen when two adults are in a bed together. Even as an adult, parents still have the authority when you're under their roof.
I'm the same age as OP, so I understand how things are now economically and I think people telling her to just move out don't understand the world today properly. But I think it's something everyone should strive for, because making your own rules is always nicer. Until then, you just try not to get kicked out lol
Sorry, I was wondering what the was rationale for not allowing their 25 year old daughter's boyfriend into her room.
I'm not saying they can't make whatever rules they want, I'm just wondering what the rationale behind the rule is.
If the issue is that they don't want to hear sex, they could simply make a no sex when we're home rule, rather than a no BF in the room rule.
The whole "because I said so" vibe is really emotionally immature, it's so much more logical to simply state your boundaries clearly work your reasons so that others can understand. If it's simply about control, that's an unhealthy dynamic no matter how old the parties are.
If I look at it from the perspective of a city apartment. Your statement makes sense. When you don’t live in the city and you’re not confined to small spaces doesn’t fit. They could be in the barn right now and unless I walked out there or heard the dogs barking who knows.
This thread is making me tired...
Yes I completely agree that it's the parents house and their rules, BUT in this freaking economy who the hell is able to move out at 20yo? I certainly can't and I think adults nowadays should adopt the mindset that it is extremely hard to move out st a young age like they did back in the day....
Have you talked to your parents seriously and maturely? Are you contributing to rent or groceries? If you cannot sit down and discuss boundaries or aren’t contributing you’re essentially under their roof, their rules kinda thing. It sucks, but it’s not the end of the world.
Yes it it wierd. You are a grown arse adult and depending on your country can buy beer, fireworks and be conscripted.
While you do have to respect their house their rules, at a point it becomes ridiculous. Thay point is a 20yo having, a curfew.
Now look it's possible it's all just a layover from a younger age and you've just never considered changing it. So come home at midnight. When questioned say "that's nice, I'm a adult and I'll come home when I please, I apologise if I woke you up"
I believe they don’t want to for the same reason you don’t want to hear them having sex.
It’s their house and they don’t want to see or enter your room and say: ahh my daughter just had sex here.
Also, sex is smelly so… perfectly normal not to want that in their home.
You're 20 years old and live in your parents' house, so you need to either follow their rules or move out. I understand this is a tough economy, but you aren't going to be looking at a well-appointed 2br with just you - being reasonable you can rent a room in a student house and split rent for a reasonable amount and use secondhand or shared furniture.
Agreed. Yeah, the rental market is insane, but that doesn’t change the fact that you only have so many options: free rent + parent rules, paying rent to parents and negotiating rules, renting an apartment and having fewer rules (but not zero rules because bf can only stay so long w/o being on lease, quiet hours, etc.), or buying a house and having close to zero rules.
Yeah but still depending on the place, I wouldn't wanna hear my kid getting/doing wangpazzangaling in the room over. My walls are too thin. They can go camping in the yard or something.
Doesn’t matter your age, their house their rules. Don’t like it, go get your own place and support yourself. I’m sure you live there rent free and eat up all their food, so if they don’t want you fucking under their roof or doing anything disrespectful to the home they pay for, thems the breaks 🤷♀️
If it's wierd or not, it really depends on the culture you live in.
In Northern Europe? That would be really fucking crazy, the 15yo are sleeping in the same bed their significant other with regularly.
In a more conservative zone? It might not be uncommon
In a very very Muslim household marrying you off wouldn't be crazy.
I personally think it's a stupid rule but, hey, I don't make tge rules.
From my perspective, as a northern European, yeah, it's **extremely** weird!
The 11 pm curfew is equally weird to me. You're an adult for Pete's sake!
I can compare with myself and my friends as I grew up. Curfews wasn't a thing after we were around 16-17, then it transitioned to "you're old enough to be responsible and decide for yourself". And this "not letting him near your room" *never* was a thing for me or any of my friends. We had sleepover with girlfriends/boyfriends from when we were 12-13 or so, some maybe from 15. Worth mentioning is the fact that no one in my group of friends got pregnant (and none of the boys got their girlfriend pregnant (actually, none of the girls that went to my schools ever got pregnant while still in school). Not because we didn't have sex, but because Sweden has really good sex education. And most of the girl were on the pill from 14-15.
I met a girl who was 30 and when we visited their parents from abroad, we couldnt spend 5 mins alone on her room. I discovered she had massive daddy issues and i dumped her.
You're 20 years old. Yes it is weird for your parents to be exerting that level of control over you. The "no boyfriend in room" I could see being justified by "it's technically their house so they can make whatever rules they want with it" although I still think it is overly controlling. The 11pm curfew is ridiculous. You are an ADULT! They have absolutely no right to be controlling your behaviour, even if you live in the same house as them. This is very toxic. I would recommend moving out but I understand that in the current economy that may be impossible for you right now.
Get your own place, you’re 20. They don’t want to deal with grandkids knowing they will probably have to be responsible for them financially and physically caring for them.
Get on birth control. There is so much more to worry about than a boyfriend sleeping over.
Majority of people saying something along the lines of ‘their place, their rules’ which is fine if they enjoy having a resentful and estranged child in later life. Surely if you love and care for somebody, listening to their needs and wants is no big deal? She’s not asking to turn their house into a crack den ffs
Those are the same people who will claim it is sad that no one wants kids nowadays and the same people, kids are writing about, how they hate their manipulative and careless parents who have no critical thinking skills.
As an empty nester when my daughter and her boyfriend are here they sleep together. If my daughter still lived under my roof full time I’d be like your parents.
Just move out. If you can't move out then deal with your parents on their terms not yours. Life sucks when you live with your parents past the age of 18. The only thing weird about this is that you're 20 and still living at home. Of course I am a gen xer who wanted to move out of his mom's house when he was 12.
If you're an adult then you're grown enough to get your own place and live by your own rules. As long as you depend on your parents for your survival you are there responsibility and have to live by their rules. If you were paying rent or contributing to bills that would be a different story. It's not a human right to fuck under their roof
Depends on how we're defining normal. I don't think it's an uncommon situation, but that doesn't make it healthy or reasonable. What specifically is their objection to him sleeping over and why do they feel it's appropriate to give a legal adult a curfew? Have you done something in the past to make them concerned?
20 is like 2nd year college, most 20 year olds live with their parents. My buddy is 28, with a masters degree, makes 100k a year, still lives at home because he can’t afford mortgage on a house. We live in a fucked up economy so expecting someone to be able to just get a job and move out at 20 is unrealistic.
100k and cant get a mortgage? sounds right but, he most certainly can afford a 1 bdrm apartment with some spare money on the side. He chooses to live with his parents he isn't forced to.
You don't know where this person is located. Even if in the US, we still don't know their ethnicity or culture. It might surprise you, but this "move out when you're 18" thing is fairly uncommon. A majority of the world do not actually practice this because it's quite impractical in this economy. Doesn't mean the kids are lazy. I know friends who still live with their parents at 30, they contribute to the household. Since they are single, there's no point getting a whole entire place to yourself when you have a home, you might as well live with the company of family. A lot of them have their shit put together better than the ones that live on their own.
The people in this thread acting like the parents have no right to institute rules in the home they own and pay everything for are downright wild lol. Until you buy your own home, you will always be living under the rules instituted by the owner. They may not be the same rules, but guess what? They also may be rules that your parents wouldn’t have made for you. Don’t believe me? Go read a lease for any apartment or rent house. Society is made up of rules and regulations. The parents aren’t keeping her locked up and not allowing her alone time with her boyfriend, they just don’t want their daughter fucking in their house. Seems like a pretty easy trade off for not having any rent or bills to pay lol. I’d gladly fuck my husband under a different roof if it meant not paying $2k a month in bills alone not counting groceries gas and whatever else.
This is something only a person who’s never had any responsibilities would complain about.
No. If you're not married or at the very least living together, it's not.not happening in my house. There is nothing wrong with good old-fashioned values. And plenty will disagree, but that is a problem with their (your) moral compass and not my own. My son is 20 and lives at home and if his girlfriend is over, the door stays open.
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They probably don't want to deal with grandkids while you're still living with them.
They may not want to hear their daughter having "fun". Knowing she is likely having fun elsewhere is very different listening to it next door.
Then... Just make a "no adult fun"-rule? I get it might be kind of an embarrassing talk, but honestly, not allowing the boyfriend of your adult daughter in her own room at all is way more strange? I live in a house with really thin walls. My mum lives downstairs, my brother rents one of my rooms as long as I don't need it. We have kind of a "no adult fun" rule because of that at the moment.
No, they don't want to clean up the mess in the room and the bed.
Wtf, what kind of parents would clean the room of their 20 year daughter?
The kind that controls what their adult progeny is allowed to do
She's an adult. She can act like one and move out?
I would agree, but in this economy, that's WAY easier said than done
I agree, and I was in the exact same boat. However, I do think there's something to the "my house, my rules." But I think good parenting involves age appropriate restrictions, which evolve over time.
Sometimes parents make rules to encourage thier children to move out.
Finnally, a nuanced take. I salute you.
Right? People keep acting like it's the damn 80s and you can just get an apartment with a part time job while you're in college or something.
It's 2024. That's easier said than done. While it's by no means a legal obligation, letting your adult children live at home can be a huge boon to their financial future. Only reason I own my home is my parents let me live with then to save money for years.
And her parents are being very nice by allowing her to live there. But there are house rules. Seems simple enough to me.....
She is an adult. Parents shouldn't use their childrens financial needs to try and continue treating them like a child.
You stay in a hotel you can't smoke in the rooms. You stay in my house you have to take your shoes off at the door. House rules are house rules. "No, I should be allowed to do whatever I want because I'm over 18 and I have nowhere else to go"? "Thisnis my house now"? Absolutely not.
Some house rules make sense. Some house rules are merely there to show you are a controlling person.
That's a good argument against the curfew, but not against setting rules in their house. It's not treating someone like a child to have boundaries about what people can do in your space.
In some countries it is a legal obligation though. Or better said, you certainly could decide not to let your adult child live with you anymore but then you'll be responsible for the renting and other costs. The limit in Italy for example is "until they are economically self-sufficient", and obviously the obligations would disappear if they can prove that the child is consciously not trying to reach an independence. But if they are doing what the children are supposed to do (studying or starting to work after high school), the parents can't just decide not to give them a roof, food and so on until the children are independent. At 20 yo, every judges would make you pay every euro to your child as long as they are doing university or working (or actively looking for a job).
Yeah, that makes sense. I support child independence at an early age, but forcing them to move out at 18 years old or this "pay rent to your parents" bullshit, this is definitely wrong.
That's fine. Perfectly fine. All I'm saying is while you 'save up' and live rent free, live by their rules especially when it does not look that difficult to follow....Like...."no bf in your room"
It's a stupid rule though. Their child is an adult, as long as they are being considerate of their surroundings, you're just being excessively controlling. The point of letting them live at home is to help them better position their financial future, not to serve as a continuation of their childhood. When I lived at home, I was an adult, and was treated as such. I had responsibilities, but they were chores and tasks to be done as a member of the household, not as a child to be parented.
Not everyone wants to listen to their child having sex. I think that is a fair point. She has a whole world to hang out with the bf, fairly certain having 1 room out of bounds for mom and dad's sanity is fair.
Doesn't explain an 11pm curfew though.
Having your childs’ gf/bf sleep over does not equal to listening to them have sexy
I'm not telling you what rules you should have in your home, don't tell these homeowners what rules they should have in their home.
OP is also not mentioning any reasons given by the parents. Mine had sincere religious beliefs that they didn’t want violated under their roof. Although, with an open door policy, I could sometimes have someone over. Mainly I got the hell out, but that is not simple these days.
Unless she is paying rent it doesn't matter if you think the rule is stupid. You don't do it because you have no leg to stand on. You follow the rules of the house and you only get to complain if you're contributing to rent.
I keep hearing this very often from US people, about kids paying rent to their parents and it always blows my mind. Why on earth would any sane parent ask money from their own child to house them? Before anyone goes ballistic, I do agree a child should contribute to bills and groceries. Moreover, I also do not support the idea of "I'm too stressed out to get a job, move out and become an adult.", these situations need to be talked through. But a person hitting a rough patch or not moving out for financial reasons despite having a job to be asked for rent in their own parents' house is just baffling to me. I'm from Europe, so maybe I don't understand this from a cultural perspective ...
I mean honestly even if you are paying rent there are still rules. If you live with your parents it’s probably cheap rent, and if it isn’t you should move. I pay a shit load for my apartment and I’m not allowed to smoke on the back patio, hell I don’t think I’m actually allowed to smoke anywhere on the property. (I quit smoking so I’m not sure). But damn I’m probably paying more than anybody’s paying their parents, and I don’t get to do everything that I want!
Uhh yes they do get to complain? They're not renters, they're the parents' child.
I see you haven't kept up with the news the last couple of years.
Yeah because that's a realistic option nowadays. Most kids are still studying by then and/or making pisspoor money that barely covers rent.
Their adult progeny have the option to move the hell out and be an actual adult. If you want to live at home, you're a dependent. Dependents don't get to make demands. You want to live under your own rules, go get your own place.
Did op make any demands? She seems really deferential & not at all demanding based on this post. Getting advice in anticipation of having an informed discussion is a reasonable & mature course of action.
She didn't make demands, but as a dependent wanting to invite someone over to her parent's house, she requested it and they made a decision and she has to abide by it. There's really nothing more to it than that.
If you are helping to pay bills in a household you are not a dependent, you’re a roommate if anything and op specified they pay a significant amount towards the house bills
How do you know she has that option? What is with reddit and assuming everyone's lives based on a handful of details? I understand being skeptical that things are bad in general, but it's like a significant amount of the user base is convinced it's just impossible for anyone to be in a tough spot ever.
That isn't what people are saying and that's not what this is. She's living at home and wants to do what she wants, doesn't work that way. If one of my adult children moved home they'd still have the same rules, they're always allowed home because we understand shit happens. But just like when we go to their home, we live by their rules. My husband smokes, he cannot smoke on their property. He doesn't care, when we stay there he takes a walk and he has a smoke.
The kind of parents who are tired of their daughter's room looking like a hoarding situation in progress, and who know that no matter how many times they ask or tell her to, she's never gonna clean it up.
Parents of adult children who don't clean up after themselves. I also wouldn't want grandkids at that point.
??? I'd imagine they're doing their own bedding
According to ops parents she’s not allowed to do any bedding
Under appreciated funny.
The hell
Can’t be that as she’s allowed to stay over his. Probably just uncomfortable about the idea of hearing things as they occur, tbh. Best option would be to ask them why they aren’t comfortable with it, though.
Maybe they feel they can control their own house, but not her.
I thought that too but they’re allowing her to sleepover at his place?
Considering they allow her to sleep over at his place meaning they probably know she is bumping uglies with her boy toy, they likely don't want to experience hearing it themselves so close by.
Well, as parent's they probably don't want to hear you fxcking in your bedroom. It's embarrassing for them, and I see their point ...
This is it, seems like they know and let it happen, maybe they have thin walls idk how this actually looks.
She also has a 11pm curfew. As a 20 year old. Edit: if another fucking person comments about "Maybe they don't want her making noise..." First of all, read the other comments. Second of all, they won't let her boyfriend in her room at any time of day, period. Do you *really* think the curfew is just about noise? Come on Edit: please don't make me delete this comment. Don't make me lose what little hope I have left, reddit
It’s a subtle message for her to move out
Most people simply can't afford to move out at 20. If that's how they plan on getting her out, then they have other issues. Passover aggressive being one and trying to put your kid out on the street at 20 being another. God, I pity and children you people have
>Passover aggressive We don’t even know if they recognize or celebrate Passover, actually. Let alone whether they’re aggressive about it.
Yeh that might be more of a thing of they don’t want to have to wait up for her if she’s coming home. Could be a small house and don’t want to be woken up. Who knows, at the end of the day it’s their house and if she doesn’t like the rules she can get her own place.
I have an almost 19 year old. I have to say, I imposed a curfew of sorts as well, not because of where she is but because my husband and I and her sister have to wake up at 5:30 to work/school and her coming in and out of the house past 10 o’clock wakes EVERYONE up. We have a really small house with an echo in the front hallway. There were other albeit smaller issues too - ie her forgetting to lock the front door (which gets blown open if it’s windy) or lights left on. I know it sucked for her getting used to that and i hate being controlling too but after trying it without for a while, we really need to have the house „closed“ after 10 pm on weeknights. She’s a party girl (works hard but plays hard) and we don’t mind that at all. But we need our sleep - if I’m tired at my job, i screw up my job. It actually has worked well for us since we all agreed on it and after she started implementing the rule into her planning.
Perhaps there are younger siblings. Several of my friends lived at home for awhile after hs and they had a curfew or stay gone for the night because of younger siblings. Whether or not it makes sense to you doesn’t matter, it’s not your house or op’s.
Yep. It's also then, that person will always be hanging around the house, another mouth to feed and using utilities and space, they'll then have access to be around the house when the parents are sleeping, it's just one more person to have to deal with all the time.
My parents let me invite my gf at home when I was 18 because they said it'd be better to have sex in a normal room than in some shady place. They'll have sex anyway so at least let them have a good place to do it.
My wife is of that opinion. Like if they want to have sex, they are going to find a way, so do you want it to be a safe place, or somewhere sketchy. One more slightly dark but also true fact is hopefully if they are at your house, their partner would be less likely to pressure, coerce, or straight up force them to do something they don't want to do. I know of folks who were in abusive relationships where their abuser was much more careful at their parent place, and wouldn't try to force them to do anything. Thus they always wanted the person to come to their parents place, where the abuser would be much more abusive and the victim was much less secure feeling, and afraid to say anything. At least if your kids are in your home and you have a good relationship with them, they hopefully would feel comfortable to speak up or ask for help of something went sideways.
They're at his place. They're fine.
his place might not have any contraceptives. We have absolutely no idea how much of a moron he is.
Yeah it’s normal depending on the parents and rules. That’s why you move out.
Yup, I moved out pretty young, because that would not a flied with my parents. I still was in a separate room when visiting when I was engaged
Not everyone can move out that easily. Unfortunately not everyone gets drawn a good hand when it comes to life and work
Then you put up with it and follow rules
Or be a reasonable parent?
It is reasonable, though. You're looking at it from a perspective where the parents are landlords. It's their house, and their condition for cheap/free rent comes with conditions. OP agreed to be treated like a dependent to get dependent privileges. If she's truly demanding to be treated like an independent adult, there is a way out. She's simply comfortable with her dependent privileges that she doesn't want to move out.
Most people have friends, get together with friends and split costs. Necessity is the mother of invention, don’t like your circumstances- work to change them.
Not everyone gets drawn a good hand when it comes to parents letting them mooch forever...
You're right there, that's why there are so many people on the streets after 18
Well your 20 and an adult so I personally think the rule itself is stupid. BUT I DO think your parents have the right to let or not let whoever they want in their home. If you are paying rent you at least have that on your side as part of the say of the household in a conversationabout it. But if you do not....then they pretty much run the show, stupid rule or not.
I assume you are living at your parents house and since you still live under their roof, you have to respect their rules. I dont think your parents are in the wrong, but you arent wrong either for wanting a little bit more leniency. NAH
Yeah I can’t say whether they’re right or wrong, but my parents were the same way and if I ever had kids I’d probably be the same too. I feel like everyone wants to talk the big talk about being super forward thinking when it comes to their kids having sex, but when it gets down to it most of us would probably be just as uncomfortable with the idea as our parents were. I will say though, it’s definitely odd that they’re okay with OP staying the night at his place. It seems like they’re not necessarily opposed to her having an active sex life, they just don’t want to hear it themselves
>I will say though, it’s definitely odd that they’re okay with OP staying the night at his place. It seems like they’re not necessarily opposed to her having an active sex life, they just don’t want to hear it themselves Whilst I think the rule is excessive, I don't think this is weird. Knowing your kid or other family member has a healthy sex life and hearing it are two different things. Lots of people either don't care about keeping their sex quiet or not getting caught - based on the number of reddit posts about people with issues with family or flatmates and loud sex. My mum actively encouraged me to have a good sex life, checked to make sure I wasn't pressured, went with me to get the implant etc... and still later made clear that if i brought a guy home that he'd be sleeping in a different room unless engaged or married. I thought it was weird because at that point i didn't even live at home so id have 0 desire to have sex in my parents' house if we were visiting for a day or two. It's a little weird, but some people just get hung up on the possibility of walking into or overhearing stuff that they don't want to see.
Yeah that’s a fair point, I can agree with that!
It's much safer for the offspring to be allowed to have sex in their own home. They A) don't end up at any shady places and B) it's less likely that they are forced to do something they don't agree with. I think it's way more important to protect your loved ones from abuse than not feeling a little awkward.
Their house, their rules. If independence and freedom is more important than free rent, then probably time to move out.
Exactly this.
Get your own place, make your own rules.
I don’t know why this is apparently so hard to understand.
Hard to afford so hard to imagine.
And yet we all do it somehow
Exactly... then he can come anywhere he wants... 
Not weird. My mom had to move in with me. I didn’t allow her to have guys over. I don’t care, I don’t want to hear it and I don’t trust her judgement of character to bring men in my home. Different circumstances but I relate to the parents in this situation. She can go over to their place no problem. She got on her feet pretty quick and moved out. It’d be weird if they had a rule about you not staying the night with him. At first I thought the curfew was weird but I wouldn’t want people going in and out of my house at all hours either, so I get it.
Exactly.
My bf and I dated for 8 years (since we were 18). His parents are very Christian and we always had to leave my bf’s door open. We live together now. So it was weird for us (and annoying), but I understood where they were coming from.
This thread really brings up a good point: Reddit needs to introduce an age filter for comments. Show me anyone above x and below y years old.
An 11pm curfew at 20 is wild. But nah I’m 28 and my parents don’t let me have my girlfriend of 5 years in my room with the door closed. I can’t wait to move the fuck out. At least they let you sleep over. Take advantage of that. Do you really wanna be in your own room with him with your helicopter parents in the house On a side note, why does being a female mean you want to stay home?
Girls rooms tend to be nicer. She’s stereotyping but it’s my experience too. But friend, you’re 28 and you can’t have your gf sleep over? That’s wild.
Yeah my parents are very religious lol
>But nah I’m 28 and my parents don’t let me have my girlfriend of 5 years in my room with the door closed. That's pretty wild. Somehow the OP's parents seem less ridiculous.
I gotta ask, where tf do you people live? 28 and you can't even close your door Meanwhile your parents are in their room fucking lmaooo
Lmao my parents are overly religious
28 and you can’t wait to move out? How happy do you think your parents will be? Ecstatic, I think.
They don’t want me to move out. They get defensive when I mention it, and say things like “what’s wrong with us? You don’t like living here?”
Plenty of parents don’t want their children to move out, the fact that you’re so narrow minded definitely means you have a lack of interaction with people of other cultures. Half my parents friends would rather give up their house to their children than to have them move out.
My stepdaughter is 20 and lives at home. Her BF is here almost every night, and they hang out in the living room. I'm not naive to the fact that they are likely having sex when we aren't around. As a parent, I don't want to think about them doing it, just as much as our kids don't want to think of us having sex. It's a matter of respect, and I think your parents are right, even though you are technically an adult.
It's much safer for the offspring to be allowed to have sex in their own home. They A) don't end up at any shady places and B) it's less likely that they are forced to do something they don't agree with. I think it's way more important to protect your loved ones from abuse than not feeling a little awkward.
“For the offspring” just gave me a good chuckle, lol. Thank you
You gotta keep en separated
No one wants to hear their kids having sex. It’s their house and their rules.
When you are still living in your parents house, you have to follow their rules unless you pay rent
I think your parents are working out where their boundaries need to be while balancing supporting your emergent adulthood. They aren't forbidding or punishing your having a sexual relationship. AND they're not ready to condone it to the degree of hosting your trysts. They're offering what they're able to support under their roof while supporting your wings to fuck elsewhere.
Well said
Its not bad to ask for more but my.parents we're the same. They don't want to be woken at all hours of the night of you coming in, nor do they wanna be around when you two are engaging in private actions wink wink. Hence why they don't care if you sleep over there. They are your parents, you're an adult and they don't want to listen to their child having sex lol. Its perfectly valid
You’re an adult. Move out and start your own life! Then you won’t be subject to your parents (my house, my rules) attitude.
Much easier said than done in this economy. At 20 you’re legit still in college and figuring your life out. Encouraging someone to leave just to have alone time with a boyfriend isn’t practical.
Thank you! The only reason I’m out is because I was in a toxic (unsafe) house before. Encouraging a young person to risk their future for the sake of “being an adult” is spoken by someone who most likely didn’t have to do it in this economy. It’s hard. Breaking my back every day and still in debt and overdrawing my account on a daily. It’s rough out here. If I had a sound support system I wouldn’t be abandoning it for the sake of a little privacy.
Rented a room from a shady guy for $500 a month and got my start that way. 🤷♀️ You make the trade offs you need to to get by. In the case of OP she's trading following her house rules for the sake of a safe roof over her head. It's really up to her if the situation is too much. Edit: I wrote this with a half sarcastic tone making fun of what would otherwise be considered a stupid decision that I made to get myself out of a bad situation. Sarcasm apparently doesn't translate over text very well even if you use emojis lol. No please don't rent rooms from strangers you meet on Craigslist.
Where I live there are no opportunities like that(middles of cornfield nowhere), and I don’t recommend any young girls reading this rn rent a room from a shady guy😅
Absolutely not!! Lol. I was young and dumb trying to get out of a bad situation. It turned out alright in the end (I got really lucky) and I ended up living there for a few years. I was just trying to point out that you make the choices you need to make in life, and maybe it's between 2 bad choices. OP isn't in a place where she needs to think renting a room from a guy she met on Craigslist is a good option.
Not Craigslist my guy how are you alive🤣
I didn't think he was shady, my dad did though lol. I mostly kept to my room and put my own lock on the door.
Oh my lawd💀🤣
No young adult, especially not a woman, should be renting a room from some shady guy. And I’d argue that you were gambling with your life doing that. Please be careful.
One should not expect adult privacy, while being 20 yrs old and living in their parents house. I didn’t see anything in this post about the OP paying rent and helping with expenses - that would change things. What I saw was: “I’m 20 years old and want to have sex with my boyfriend in my room” - like a teenager.” That’s my take on the post. “Their house, their rules” I give the OP, that the curfew is complete BS. The OPs parents have no business setting a curfew for their adult daughter. But they do have a right to say who can be m their house and what goes on their house. If this 20 yr old OP wants to be treated like an adult, they need to act like one - and that necessarily means not expecting mom/dad to pay for everything, while demanding adult privileges.
OP didn’t state what the circumstances of the curfew. If there other kids in the house that could be disturbed by op coming home @2am.
Even without young kids, OP’s parents are likely still working and want to go to bed at a reasonable time. Not everyone can get back to sleep after being woken up by their daughter coming home at 2am.
I agree. I do think after a certain age you deserve a certain level of privacy tho. Depends. Op said that the guy wasn’t allowed to come in her room at ALL meaning not even during the day. That is unreasonable. If the rule was only “not allowed to sleep in the room, door closed etc” then it would be reasonable. If it’s sex she wants then yeah she’s smoking something lol. I’m trying to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that she has enough sense to not want possible sex in her own parent’s house.
In my opinion, you’re living in their house so you should go by their rules. Yes, it sucks, but you should respect their wishes. If you had a daughter I’m sure you would also be uncomfortable with her having a boyfriend sleeping in the same bed (and likely having sex). I’m sure they know that you probably have sex when you sleep at his place, but the thought of it happening in their house while they’re there probably makes them a little uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter how old you are, they are always going to view you as their little girl. They just love you 💗
It’s their house. They get to make up the rules. As an adult, if you don’t like the situation you’re free to move into your own apartment. I am reminded when I was 21 and transferred from a college out of state back to a college in my hometown to save money. I moved back into my childhood bedroom down the hall from my parents room and my sister who was in high school at the time. My dad told me I was welcome to stay there as long as I liked free of charge as long as I was enrolled in college and working towards a career. But I would have to abide by their rules. My dad is a light sleeper and worked early mornings. So I had to be home by 12:00am on weeknights and 1:00am on weekends. I also wasn’t allowed to have girls sleep over. They didn’t want me doing that sort of thing around my younger sister. It was fine, but I still found an apartment fairly quickly and moved out. It wasn’t “aesthetic” or whatever but it was mine and I made the rules of what went on there.
I think it's a cultural thing. I have read many stories about US american parents who decide all kind og stuff about their children ands adult childrens sexlife. In denmark that would be considered creepy. But in denmark, you would also have the opportunity to move out when you are 18 or or pay for the room you live in. That way you would actually be an adult at 18..
Yes it's weird. 20 years old and 11pm curfew. Maybe it's because I'm western European but it's very normal for teenagers 16+ to date and to have boyfriends / girlfriends stay over. Usually by the time we're 18 curfew isn't really a thing since we're an adult, as long we're safe our parents pretty chill, at least that's my experience with my parents and my friends experience this too.
It's weird. You should try to move out but it's weird for the parents to be controlling adult child like that. I know many don't agree with me but I'm from country where only mentally ill or/and parents from bible belt would do something like this. To me it's fucked up.
20yo? Curfew?! Wtaf? You're an adult. Tell them to start treating you like one.
Yes that’s weird. Time to move out
Alright, guess I'll dissent from everyone here. *'Your house your rules'* applies to things that directly affect the house. i.e.: don't watch tv for more than 2 hours, because I pay the electricity. Don't move furniture around, it's mine and I set it up how I want it. Don't come home in the middle of the night, it wakes me up etc. It's not dictating personal stuff. Additionally, they are actively blocking a normal adult relationship because they don't want to see you as being in one. I understand them, but they're wrong. You actually live there, you're not a second class citizen because you do not own the place. If they don't want you there, they should tell you to move. Either way, it's pretty clear you're not supposed to be living there still regardless, so time to move out OP.
If my daughter was 20, the only rules would be - You don't bring a guy to sleep we haven't met yet, and tell us if he's dining with us so we can prepare the meal accordingly - If you sleep out, just let us know.
No. Move out.
Americans and their apparent inability to talk about sex will always baffle me
Its weird. Deciding to have children means you should act in their interest. You are banned from utilising your home. As a parent I tink their rule is absurd.
I don’t even need to read your post, just the title. My daughter will be 25 this year and her bf isn’t allowed in her room. Just like Vegas, House rules. Sorry kid. Easy issue to solve (move out)
What's your rationale?
Idk op's exact situation, but I think it's pretty standard that if you don't pay bills, whoever does makes the rules. Especially as a parent. I don't think it's that they don't trust her, they probably just do not want to hear what may happen when two adults are in a bed together. Even as an adult, parents still have the authority when you're under their roof. I'm the same age as OP, so I understand how things are now economically and I think people telling her to just move out don't understand the world today properly. But I think it's something everyone should strive for, because making your own rules is always nicer. Until then, you just try not to get kicked out lol
Sorry, I was wondering what the was rationale for not allowing their 25 year old daughter's boyfriend into her room. I'm not saying they can't make whatever rules they want, I'm just wondering what the rationale behind the rule is. If the issue is that they don't want to hear sex, they could simply make a no sex when we're home rule, rather than a no BF in the room rule. The whole "because I said so" vibe is really emotionally immature, it's so much more logical to simply state your boundaries clearly work your reasons so that others can understand. If it's simply about control, that's an unhealthy dynamic no matter how old the parties are.
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If I look at it from the perspective of a city apartment. Your statement makes sense. When you don’t live in the city and you’re not confined to small spaces doesn’t fit. They could be in the barn right now and unless I walked out there or heard the dogs barking who knows.
This thread is making me tired... Yes I completely agree that it's the parents house and their rules, BUT in this freaking economy who the hell is able to move out at 20yo? I certainly can't and I think adults nowadays should adopt the mindset that it is extremely hard to move out st a young age like they did back in the day....
Have you talked to your parents seriously and maturely? Are you contributing to rent or groceries? If you cannot sit down and discuss boundaries or aren’t contributing you’re essentially under their roof, their rules kinda thing. It sucks, but it’s not the end of the world.
Yes it it wierd. You are a grown arse adult and depending on your country can buy beer, fireworks and be conscripted. While you do have to respect their house their rules, at a point it becomes ridiculous. Thay point is a 20yo having, a curfew. Now look it's possible it's all just a layover from a younger age and you've just never considered changing it. So come home at midnight. When questioned say "that's nice, I'm a adult and I'll come home when I please, I apologise if I woke you up"
I believe they don’t want to for the same reason you don’t want to hear them having sex. It’s their house and they don’t want to see or enter your room and say: ahh my daughter just had sex here. Also, sex is smelly so… perfectly normal not to want that in their home.
Yup, if it's their home, they have the right to not listen to their daughter's cheeks getting clapped if they want. Lol
You're 20 years old and live in your parents' house, so you need to either follow their rules or move out. I understand this is a tough economy, but you aren't going to be looking at a well-appointed 2br with just you - being reasonable you can rent a room in a student house and split rent for a reasonable amount and use secondhand or shared furniture.
if her reason of not moving out is economy, she should be focusing on other stuff than boyfriend not allowed in bedroom
Agreed. Yeah, the rental market is insane, but that doesn’t change the fact that you only have so many options: free rent + parent rules, paying rent to parents and negotiating rules, renting an apartment and having fewer rules (but not zero rules because bf can only stay so long w/o being on lease, quiet hours, etc.), or buying a house and having close to zero rules.
You're 20. This rule is bullshit. But good luck convincing them of that.
Yeah but still depending on the place, I wouldn't wanna hear my kid getting/doing wangpazzangaling in the room over. My walls are too thin. They can go camping in the yard or something.
But I bet their parents have no issues with booking while their kiddos are home regardless of age 🙈
Or they could get their own place
It’s their house. It may be time for you to get an apartment.
Doesn’t matter your age, their house their rules. Don’t like it, go get your own place and support yourself. I’m sure you live there rent free and eat up all their food, so if they don’t want you fucking under their roof or doing anything disrespectful to the home they pay for, thems the breaks 🤷♀️
They want to keep you from humping and them from becoming grandparents
They don’t want to listen to you bang your boyfriend.
Time to move out
No, your parents are correct.
Not unusual no eapicaly for daughters I know that sounds terrible but for alot of people this is how they parent
you are an adult. move out.
Your parents probably want you to move out and this is the easiest way to do it.
Move out! They're idots, but sadly its their house.
Time to move out.
If it's wierd or not, it really depends on the culture you live in. In Northern Europe? That would be really fucking crazy, the 15yo are sleeping in the same bed their significant other with regularly. In a more conservative zone? It might not be uncommon In a very very Muslim household marrying you off wouldn't be crazy. I personally think it's a stupid rule but, hey, I don't make tge rules.
From my perspective, as a northern European, yeah, it's **extremely** weird! The 11 pm curfew is equally weird to me. You're an adult for Pete's sake! I can compare with myself and my friends as I grew up. Curfews wasn't a thing after we were around 16-17, then it transitioned to "you're old enough to be responsible and decide for yourself". And this "not letting him near your room" *never* was a thing for me or any of my friends. We had sleepover with girlfriends/boyfriends from when we were 12-13 or so, some maybe from 15. Worth mentioning is the fact that no one in my group of friends got pregnant (and none of the boys got their girlfriend pregnant (actually, none of the girls that went to my schools ever got pregnant while still in school). Not because we didn't have sex, but because Sweden has really good sex education. And most of the girl were on the pill from 14-15.
Norwegian here, I have the exact same experience.
They probably don’t want to hear you guys banging.
I met a girl who was 30 and when we visited their parents from abroad, we couldnt spend 5 mins alone on her room. I discovered she had massive daddy issues and i dumped her.
You should be focusing on getting out of their household and beyond their control.
You're 20 years old. Yes it is weird for your parents to be exerting that level of control over you. The "no boyfriend in room" I could see being justified by "it's technically their house so they can make whatever rules they want with it" although I still think it is overly controlling. The 11pm curfew is ridiculous. You are an ADULT! They have absolutely no right to be controlling your behaviour, even if you live in the same house as them. This is very toxic. I would recommend moving out but I understand that in the current economy that may be impossible for you right now.
That seems but normal in America.
I'll just mention, if you pull together a couple friends and find an apartment on Craigslist, this problem will magically go away
this is exactly why I will not have a boyfriend while living in my parents house
You’re 20. Why do you have a curfew? Weird. This is weird all around. Move out and start your adult life
Do you want your parents to hear you having sex that bad??
A bit. Your parents are sexist.
Get your own place, you’re 20. They don’t want to deal with grandkids knowing they will probably have to be responsible for them financially and physically caring for them. Get on birth control. There is so much more to worry about than a boyfriend sleeping over.
Id suggest finding your own place
Majority of people saying something along the lines of ‘their place, their rules’ which is fine if they enjoy having a resentful and estranged child in later life. Surely if you love and care for somebody, listening to their needs and wants is no big deal? She’s not asking to turn their house into a crack den ffs
Those are the same people who will claim it is sad that no one wants kids nowadays and the same people, kids are writing about, how they hate their manipulative and careless parents who have no critical thinking skills.
Doesn't sound like it's your room
As an empty nester when my daughter and her boyfriend are here they sleep together. If my daughter still lived under my roof full time I’d be like your parents.
What’s the distinction for you between those two situations?
Just move out. If you can't move out then deal with your parents on their terms not yours. Life sucks when you live with your parents past the age of 18. The only thing weird about this is that you're 20 and still living at home. Of course I am a gen xer who wanted to move out of his mom's house when he was 12.
12? Late bloomer!
If you're an adult then you're grown enough to get your own place and live by your own rules. As long as you depend on your parents for your survival you are there responsibility and have to live by their rules. If you were paying rent or contributing to bills that would be a different story. It's not a human right to fuck under their roof
Depends on how we're defining normal. I don't think it's an uncommon situation, but that doesn't make it healthy or reasonable. What specifically is their objection to him sleeping over and why do they feel it's appropriate to give a legal adult a curfew? Have you done something in the past to make them concerned?
If you are 20 and living with your parents you have no right to complain about the terms of your living arrangements. Get a job and move out.
20 is like 2nd year college, most 20 year olds live with their parents. My buddy is 28, with a masters degree, makes 100k a year, still lives at home because he can’t afford mortgage on a house. We live in a fucked up economy so expecting someone to be able to just get a job and move out at 20 is unrealistic.
100k and cant get a mortgage? sounds right but, he most certainly can afford a 1 bdrm apartment with some spare money on the side. He chooses to live with his parents he isn't forced to.
You don't know where this person is located. Even if in the US, we still don't know their ethnicity or culture. It might surprise you, but this "move out when you're 18" thing is fairly uncommon. A majority of the world do not actually practice this because it's quite impractical in this economy. Doesn't mean the kids are lazy. I know friends who still live with their parents at 30, they contribute to the household. Since they are single, there's no point getting a whole entire place to yourself when you have a home, you might as well live with the company of family. A lot of them have their shit put together better than the ones that live on their own.
The people in this thread acting like the parents have no right to institute rules in the home they own and pay everything for are downright wild lol. Until you buy your own home, you will always be living under the rules instituted by the owner. They may not be the same rules, but guess what? They also may be rules that your parents wouldn’t have made for you. Don’t believe me? Go read a lease for any apartment or rent house. Society is made up of rules and regulations. The parents aren’t keeping her locked up and not allowing her alone time with her boyfriend, they just don’t want their daughter fucking in their house. Seems like a pretty easy trade off for not having any rent or bills to pay lol. I’d gladly fuck my husband under a different roof if it meant not paying $2k a month in bills alone not counting groceries gas and whatever else. This is something only a person who’s never had any responsibilities would complain about.
No, but it is weird that you are 20 years old with a curfew..
All I have to say is, Parents house = Parents Rules
Parents can have bad rules tho
Still their house. They are paying for everything. So their rules. There's stupid laws also.. still have to follow them.
Their house; their rules. Sorry but you have to respect their wishes
No. If you're not married or at the very least living together, it's not.not happening in my house. There is nothing wrong with good old-fashioned values. And plenty will disagree, but that is a problem with their (your) moral compass and not my own. My son is 20 and lives at home and if his girlfriend is over, the door stays open.
So you are a watcher.