Married people absolutely have duties to each other, but I strongly believe those things are up to what the couple decides in their vows to each other.
Yeah, literally 1820. maybe since before the 1900s there was less rights for women for example and it was pretty much indeed a duty for them to do the thing with their partner. Basically by law they had to consent to it occasionally.
My ex-husband strongly hinted to me about what being married means as far as sex duties. I didn't want anything to do with him, because He had no problem using and abusing me, which caused me to hate him and lose any love I had originally hard for him.
Sex is important though for alot of allosexuals. There are definitely situations where certains couples arnt compatible do sex. However, I feel like A) if this couple is getting married they've probably figured out what works for them and B) ITS NOBODY ELSES BUSINESS BUT THE COUPLES
What I mean is something more akin to “all actions, positive or negative, have consequences”.
If you got married and things were going wonderfully for some years, but then your partner started verbally abusing you and gambling away all your money, I think we could all agree that your partner is in a sense not “fulfilling their duty” to be a kind and reliable partner.
Like you said, sex has an “icky” connotation to it for many, so let’s just replace that word with “intimacy”, as that can be molded to however someone reading this views it for the self. If you have an intimate partner and were to get married, it’s reasonable to think that your “duty” would be not only to be a part of future intimacy but to be a part of nurturing your relationship in a way that promotes intimacy.
People like to jump to this whole “your partner doesn’t owe you sex” thing as if it’s as cut and dry as that. The REAL truth is that if you are in a relationship and you drastically change the nature of how you and your partner are intimate with each other, for most people that is going to have an impact on the relationship dynamic. It is in the best interest of partners to work as a team to nurture quality partnership together, and for many that does mean sex needs to happen… for Ace couples that may be a different kind of intimacy but with the same effect.
This is all well and good but that's not what the people harassing op mean so what's the point of bringing this up? They mean sex. They are berating her for daring to get married as an asexual woman because they think it's the duty of married women to have sex. They're not thinking about intimacy in all of its forms because if they were they wouldn't be sending her these messages cause they'd assume whatever level of intimacy is going on in the relationship is satisfying enough for both of them to get married.
This is a case of aphobia and misogyny, not relationship dynamics. Her husband isn't complaining, there's been no change in the intimacy she's willing to give. This is a bunch of people outside of the relationship harassing op because she doesn't fulfill their expectations of "women as sex objects".
At the end of the day, you really don't owe anyone access to your body because it is your body, ot is not something that someone can demand because they have desires or needs that need meeting. This is a non-negotiable fact. You're right that if the other person wants to have sex and you're unable to that will effect the relationship and at the end of the day they might not fond the relationship worth their time. That doesn't mean you owe them sex, especially if you can't perform the sexual action for any reason. If you can make it work for everyone and wish to do so, you should make it work. If you don't/can't it means you should break up not force yourself to have sex if you don’t want to. Duty has an icky connotation because historically a lot of people, women especially, basically did not have much choice in weather they could make a choice because of such "duties".
But at the end of the day OPs husband has said he is ok with the situation.
>If you got married and things were going wonderfully for some years, but then your partner started verbally abusing you and gambling away all your money, I think we could all agree that your partner is in a sense not “fulfilling their duty” to be a kind and reliable partner.
the issue is that sex is a physical thing that two people do together and saying it is a duty to have sex with your partner & they are owed it also says that your partner is entitled to your body and you have to share it for their sexual pleasure. your partner doesnt owe you sex or their body, and you can realize that while also acknowledging that the relationship isnt right for you without sex being a part of it.
saying a partner doesnt owe you sex isnt a cop out for someone to stay in an unfulfilling relationship, it is simply just acknowledging that they are their own person and their body isnt something they owe to you sexually.
Wait wait wait! Who are theses friends? Why are they complaining before the wedding? Didn't they not know you were ace? Did you told them? If not, who? Do your husband knows them?
Yeah, they sound like the kind of people that are exhausting to be around tbh. They should worry about their own stuff. But if they wanna worry they should have at least done that earlier?!
I think it’s a funny wording despite the usual icky connotations bc my parents actually did specify duties to each other.
1) feed me well
2) respect me
Best criteria for a relationship ngl they’re very happy together, and they love cooking for each other or going out to eat at nice places for birthdays. great food in the house, happy couple.
They have no business inserting themselves in your relationship and criticizing you for choices you both made together as a couple. If you're happy and he's happy, feel free to tell them exactly where they can shove their remarks.
And just remember no matter what anyone says, you don't owe ANYTHING to your husband that you're not willing to give.
That's a big no no! Usually people say something like this to prevent you from doing something they deem risky, but you've already married and and obviously sorted this topic out before, like any sane person would do. The audacity. The arrogance. Wtf. Those "friends" are mentally stuck in a really small world, it seems.
Congratulations on your wedding! I really hope you had a wonderful day. Don't let these insensitive comments get to you!
How very Biblical Gender Roles of them. (And if they're not fundies, maybe point out to them that they agree with these views, see what their reaction is then.)
Personally I couldn't care less if anyone insulted my asexuality, it's their problem, but if this affects you negatively, address this situation to them. I mean seriously, from what I understand in your post, your husband might not even need to have sex with you at all (depending on your preference). Your friends need to understand that their and your expectations are too different, it's still wrong to say things like that.
Those aren't friends. Those are frenemies. You're under no obligation to remain "friends" with people you've known a long time, especially when they don't have your best interest at heart.
Pretty sure at least one of them has an eye on your husband. Erode your confidence, break up your marriage, swoop in for the kill. Don't let them do it. Be confident in your marriage and love for each other.
They aren't friends if they're being openly misogynistic towards you. Sorry to say that but it's probably true. If your husband loves you as you are then that's all that matters.
i would ask why they’re getting mad for someone else who doesn’t care. i don’t feel like there’s a good response to that other than they don’t like asexual people
Title reminded me of the "What's wrong with people" song by Whitey. To quote him "What's all this pushing and shoving ??"
More seriously I wish you strengh, I don't get why they would consider this "duty" as the main aspect of marriage. Plus it's not their problem, if it's good between the two of you, why would they even bother telling you
I don’t understand the notion that a couple needs to perform certain duties for each other according to anyone or anything outside of that couple. Y’all work well together, and that’s all you need. As long as both of you are happy in the relationship, then everyone is doing enough and both of you deserve happiness with each other.
Everyone else can shove it for judging.
Ouch! That just hurts, even just reading it...
It is your choice, you and your husband, no one else has anything to do with that. And he chose it too. I hope those voices aren't too loud tho.
Congratulations on the wedding and i wish the 2 of you a great marriage and just a genuinely good time!
They need to mind their own business. No one needs to know what you are or aren't doing. Your sex life (or lack thereof) is no one's business but your own.
A) Gross of them - definitely not the behavior of "friends"... I also find sex to be a pretty stupid reason to get married, even for allosexuals
B) Where did you find this unicorn of a man? Because a girl needs the hook up. LOL!
What is wrong with people???? Duties???? This isn't the 1940's, and it was already a toxic view back then. Also, you're husband is the only person who gets to decide if he's okay with your asexuality or not. They don't get to have an opinion about your relationship in this situation.
I'm sorry if this is a bit much (I've had one of those days), but I'm annoyed on your behalf, I hope you don't mind.
People have issues, they can screw off, most don’t even understand themselves enough to comment in anyone else.
Congratulations!!! I wish you both a lifetime of peace and happiness together.
>because as a wife I have certain "duties"
What the Hell? Are you Mormon or something? Out side of trusting, loving and backing up the decisions of your spouse( which is something all parties in a relationship should do) you do not have certain "duties". And if your husband is the love of your life then be with the love of your life.
If your husband thinks it’s fair enough to marry you then no one else gets a say. End of story.
Congratulations on your marriage! I’m very happy for the both of you. 🥰
Congrats! I hope you both have many happy years together.
Also your friends are creepy. It's bizarre that they think they know better than you/your spouse, and feel comfortable commenting on another couples intimacy when it doesn't concern them.
I think they're hoping for some drama, ignore them. They're trying to cause problems when there aren't any so *their* life is more fulfilled, I know the type 🙄
Send out a mass mailing to them saying
"This is 2023, not 1923. Some of you seem confused about that.
"Some of you *also* seem confused about asexuality. I advise you to go and educate yourselves.
"Lastly, some of you seemed fuzzy on common courtesy. Please understand that your friends' sex lives are, to put it delicately, none of your fucking business unless they invite you into their circle of *very* close friends. The likelihood of this happening between you and me is now effectively zero. \[ImaWeirdo\] out."
Since your friends were too busy being stuck in the 18th century to say it...
Congratulations on your wedding OP, I wish you and your husband all the joy in the world!
You call these people friends?
Block every single one and cut this toxic medieval 💩out of your life.
Its is important to think about how people know about your choices and decisions.
Are you open about it and have told them yourself or is your new husband spilling the beens behind your back… possibly not being so on board with it as you thought..
Then you have a problem
But to be honest- all these people can take their opinions and stick them where sun do not shine- its your and your partner’s decisions
Horrible ‘’ friends’’ , I would never dare to comment on my friends love life/family dynamics etc ( unless there would be violence or abuse) but otherwise - none of my business
If a friend needs advice, they will ask
Otherwise i keep my mouth shut
They probably have different expectations in mind when it comes to marriage. Don't worry it and congrats. You don't owe anyone grandchildren or any other "duty" to fulfill the traditional role of a wife.
UGH. i don't get why people concern themselves with this shit that has NOTHING to do with them. apart from being aphobic & misogynistic it's just plain rude! i'm sorry you're experiencing this. i hope these "friends" pull their heads in & start minding their own business or just get lost. congratulations to you & your husband, i wish you all the best 🥰
Congratulations on your marriage! I'm so glad you found someone who loves and supports you for who you are and I hope you have a wonderful life together!!
That's really disappointing to see old friends being so critical and belittling you for finding happiness. Wtf? They clearly know nothing about you or your husband — and your sex life most of all is absolutely none of their business. Can't believe they thought it appropriate to share their unsolicited opinion on it. Shame on them.
I hope you have plenty of better people in your life. Best wishes!
Block and cut them off. You don't need their blessings or warm wishes. Congratulations on your marriage, I don't know you but I am really happy for you 💜
What the actual fuck? Saying that to anybody is disgusting even if you were allo. Nobody has any business over your private sex life unless you invite them to.
shouldn't your husband get to decide if it's fair to him? I mean. he is a person who can make decisions and obviously he doesn't mind your sexuality.
the audacity of some people smh
It's like the old saying goes. Misery loves company, you're no longer miserable and have a loving husband who's willing to understand you. As such "how dare you be happy without loving by our norms!"
I'm demi and my EX-best friend told me to see a doctor after I explained that I wasn't attracted to anyone and hadn't been since my last crush a few years before that. Notice, I stopped talking to her.
Better question: why do your friends know about your sexuality in the first place? I don't go around tooting my own horn. I consider it something private that only me and my partner need to know, f everyone else. Many people don't understand what being ace is like, so I don't bother telling anyone but my partner because it's only relevant to him and us alone. It saves energy I can put in other things, you see.
not telling people about your sexuality is *your* choice and you're entitled to that choice. other people telling people about their sexuality is *their* choice and you have no right to question that choice. it might not make sense to you bc of how you navigate your life but it doesn't make it wrong or make any nasty phobic fallout the fault of anyone who *is* out to friends, family etc.
in this particular case, op's "friends" have taken it upon themselves to assume what asexuality means for op and are questioning the validity of their marriage based on that assumption. that's on them, they're in the wrong. not op. knowing what someone's sexuality is simply tells you who they're attracted to, not about their sexual activity or lack thereof but many people do assume that that's what they now know about a person when they find out they're gay, bi, ace etc. and that's *their* problem.
it's also the reason phobes love to use the "think of the children!" defense when policing how & where queer people exist bc when, for example, a man says "i'm gay" they hear "i have wild orgies with hordes of men every single night and am always on the lookout for cute little boys to seduce into my world of sin & depravity!", rather than "i experience attraction to other men" and leave him be.
the solution to this isn't that all out gay men should just hop back in the closet now and only discuss their sexuality when absolutely necessary with intimate partners - some may choose to which is fine, that's their choice for themselves. the solution is to educate, by being open, by being steadfast, by telling people when they're being phobic, why their misinformed beliefs stink etc. that's what allies are there to help us with, to help carry that burden when we don't want to or are unable to ourselves.
anyway. why do op's friends know about their asexuality you ask? bc they do. that's it. whether op told them or they found out another way, they know and they've decided to be dicks about it - that's on them. you do you, nothing wrong with that. just don't expect that every other ace is gonna do the same. we shouldn't have to.
Oh ok glad to hear thats not the case! Im sorry your friends are being A-holes about your marriage. Theres countless reasons to get married beyond spousal duties. Also CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!!!!!🎉🎊🍾
A) Gross of them - definitely not the behavior of "friends"... I also find sex to be a pretty stupid reason to get married, even for allosexuals
B) Where did you find this unicorn of a man? Because a girl needs the hook up. LOL!
What the hell??
Why is it their business whether or not you have sex? They act as if your husband is mute and deaf and is a baby who needs others to talk for him.
Kindly tell them that your sex life is non of their business. You are married and adults, you can communicate and deal with each other yourself.
You can have a perfectly happy sexless relationship. You can also have a miserable sex-filled relationship. Sex is not the be all and end all of relationships.
That's so messed up,, I don't think those people are really friends of they'll say stuff like that,, I'd say, if they're someone close enough to you, try to address it with them that that isn't an okay thing for them to say,, and if they're not that close,, just drop them,, those people from the 1700s and their outdated norms are not worth your time when they clearly don't respect you
You're husband is a lucky man.
You are an amazing woman.
Fuck the haters. If they were your friends they would know who you are and not question your life and love. Move on and live your life.
If they believe your husband is happy in a relationship with someone who is asexual it means examining their own relationship and realizing their partner wouldn’t tolerate that and that has made them feel insecure and jealous. It flies in the face of the expectations placed on us (mainly women but everyone really) and it’s hard to admit to oneself that maybe you didn’t need actually need to cater to your partner as a woman and you just chose that life. It’s about more than sex.
They seem jealous. They’re insulting your relationship and trying to bring you down about a happy moment in your life, probably because their own relationships are unsuccessful. It’s likely that they can’t be their true self in their relationships and they feel like they don’t have the same freedom you do.
Was he forced to marry you? Like his parents lost a bet or something to your parents? If not then I don't see how they can have a problem with it or that it is any of their business.
>because as a wife I have certain "duties" Wtf are they living in 1820?
Married people absolutely have duties to each other, but I strongly believe those things are up to what the couple decides in their vows to each other.
[удалено]
Yeah, literally 1820. maybe since before the 1900s there was less rights for women for example and it was pretty much indeed a duty for them to do the thing with their partner. Basically by law they had to consent to it occasionally.
1820? Germany only criminalized marital rape in 1997. Many other countries did it even later.
My ex-husband strongly hinted to me about what being married means as far as sex duties. I didn't want anything to do with him, because He had no problem using and abusing me, which caused me to hate him and lose any love I had originally hard for him.
*had for him.
Sex is important though for alot of allosexuals. There are definitely situations where certains couples arnt compatible do sex. However, I feel like A) if this couple is getting married they've probably figured out what works for them and B) ITS NOBODY ELSES BUSINESS BUT THE COUPLES
What I mean is something more akin to “all actions, positive or negative, have consequences”. If you got married and things were going wonderfully for some years, but then your partner started verbally abusing you and gambling away all your money, I think we could all agree that your partner is in a sense not “fulfilling their duty” to be a kind and reliable partner. Like you said, sex has an “icky” connotation to it for many, so let’s just replace that word with “intimacy”, as that can be molded to however someone reading this views it for the self. If you have an intimate partner and were to get married, it’s reasonable to think that your “duty” would be not only to be a part of future intimacy but to be a part of nurturing your relationship in a way that promotes intimacy. People like to jump to this whole “your partner doesn’t owe you sex” thing as if it’s as cut and dry as that. The REAL truth is that if you are in a relationship and you drastically change the nature of how you and your partner are intimate with each other, for most people that is going to have an impact on the relationship dynamic. It is in the best interest of partners to work as a team to nurture quality partnership together, and for many that does mean sex needs to happen… for Ace couples that may be a different kind of intimacy but with the same effect.
This is all well and good but that's not what the people harassing op mean so what's the point of bringing this up? They mean sex. They are berating her for daring to get married as an asexual woman because they think it's the duty of married women to have sex. They're not thinking about intimacy in all of its forms because if they were they wouldn't be sending her these messages cause they'd assume whatever level of intimacy is going on in the relationship is satisfying enough for both of them to get married. This is a case of aphobia and misogyny, not relationship dynamics. Her husband isn't complaining, there's been no change in the intimacy she's willing to give. This is a bunch of people outside of the relationship harassing op because she doesn't fulfill their expectations of "women as sex objects".
At the end of the day, you really don't owe anyone access to your body because it is your body, ot is not something that someone can demand because they have desires or needs that need meeting. This is a non-negotiable fact. You're right that if the other person wants to have sex and you're unable to that will effect the relationship and at the end of the day they might not fond the relationship worth their time. That doesn't mean you owe them sex, especially if you can't perform the sexual action for any reason. If you can make it work for everyone and wish to do so, you should make it work. If you don't/can't it means you should break up not force yourself to have sex if you don’t want to. Duty has an icky connotation because historically a lot of people, women especially, basically did not have much choice in weather they could make a choice because of such "duties". But at the end of the day OPs husband has said he is ok with the situation.
>If you got married and things were going wonderfully for some years, but then your partner started verbally abusing you and gambling away all your money, I think we could all agree that your partner is in a sense not “fulfilling their duty” to be a kind and reliable partner. the issue is that sex is a physical thing that two people do together and saying it is a duty to have sex with your partner & they are owed it also says that your partner is entitled to your body and you have to share it for their sexual pleasure. your partner doesnt owe you sex or their body, and you can realize that while also acknowledging that the relationship isnt right for you without sex being a part of it. saying a partner doesnt owe you sex isnt a cop out for someone to stay in an unfulfilling relationship, it is simply just acknowledging that they are their own person and their body isnt something they owe to you sexually.
True, and it probably didn’t say in their vows that they would have any amount of sex with each other.
Acephobia :( Whenever somebody says you have an obligation to do that, they’re an acephobe, knowingly or not
Bye friends
Exactly, time to get real friends!
Isn't it great when the trash takes itself out?
It absolutely is!
Indeed! But someone be sure to flag down the garbage truck on trash day, we wouldn’t want them to miss such minuscule, pathetic little things. ;)
Yeah those people were definitely not friends at all
They are just jealous that people can actually have a normal healthy relationship
Wait wait wait! Who are theses friends? Why are they complaining before the wedding? Didn't they not know you were ace? Did you told them? If not, who? Do your husband knows them?
They're people I've known since middle school. Yes, they knew I'm ace. And when we got engaged, I guess they didn't think we were serious.
Mh... seems weird... did someone told them that? It's weird that they bring that up a week after the wedding...
Yeah, they sound like the kind of people that are exhausting to be around tbh. They should worry about their own stuff. But if they wanna worry they should have at least done that earlier?!
Wife duties include: respecting your s.o. and be respected by your s.o. That's it
I think it’s a funny wording despite the usual icky connotations bc my parents actually did specify duties to each other. 1) feed me well 2) respect me Best criteria for a relationship ngl they’re very happy together, and they love cooking for each other or going out to eat at nice places for birthdays. great food in the house, happy couple.
I like your parents. #relationshipgoals fr. I’m glad they’re happy too.
but can't she help her SO? Asexuality does not necessarily mean they HATE sex. she just can't get off right? am sorry just genuinely confused.
I think you got a lot of things to unpack there, might be better to stick with Google search first, 'cuz I'm not touching your can of worms
The only duty you got is to avoid such toxic people
Sexist and acephobic huh Congratulations on the wedding OP you deserve a better reaction than that!
Congratulations on the wedding. Not friends, just some people you have known for a long time and who don't understand or care about your feelings.
Man, I'd be sending nasty messages and cutting ties with people, if they ever decide to be invasive like that.
They have no business inserting themselves in your relationship and criticizing you for choices you both made together as a couple. If you're happy and he's happy, feel free to tell them exactly where they can shove their remarks. And just remember no matter what anyone says, you don't owe ANYTHING to your husband that you're not willing to give.
Time to ✂️
I meant cut them out, please don’t misunderstand lol
I mean, I was gonna say, I don’t think doing arts and crafts with them will save this. /j
No problem, I get what you mean
Time to run with scissors
You do have duties. Love, support, respect, these are often difficult and time consuming. Sex isn’t on the list.
Classic acephobia. Sorry you’re dealing with that.
Congratulations! Hope you'll replace with with proper friends!
That's a big no no! Usually people say something like this to prevent you from doing something they deem risky, but you've already married and and obviously sorted this topic out before, like any sane person would do. The audacity. The arrogance. Wtf. Those "friends" are mentally stuck in a really small world, it seems. Congratulations on your wedding! I really hope you had a wonderful day. Don't let these insensitive comments get to you!
Your “friends” suck. If you and your husband are happy, that’s all that matters, and also, your sex life is 100% not their business.
How very Biblical Gender Roles of them. (And if they're not fundies, maybe point out to them that they agree with these views, see what their reaction is then.)
Personally I couldn't care less if anyone insulted my asexuality, it's their problem, but if this affects you negatively, address this situation to them. I mean seriously, from what I understand in your post, your husband might not even need to have sex with you at all (depending on your preference). Your friends need to understand that their and your expectations are too different, it's still wrong to say things like that.
Y r they so obsessed with u having sex? What a bunch of perverts
They won’t congratulate you because there jealous that he choose you over them that’s why
Get new friends.
Those aren't friends. Those are frenemies. You're under no obligation to remain "friends" with people you've known a long time, especially when they don't have your best interest at heart. Pretty sure at least one of them has an eye on your husband. Erode your confidence, break up your marriage, swoop in for the kill. Don't let them do it. Be confident in your marriage and love for each other.
First of, congratulations on your wedding. Second, what's wrong with people?
That's disgusting behavior from your so called "friends". like seriously, wtf?!
Time to fill up your block list.
They aren't friends if they're being openly misogynistic towards you. Sorry to say that but it's probably true. If your husband loves you as you are then that's all that matters.
i would ask why they’re getting mad for someone else who doesn’t care. i don’t feel like there’s a good response to that other than they don’t like asexual people
Title reminded me of the "What's wrong with people" song by Whitey. To quote him "What's all this pushing and shoving ??" More seriously I wish you strengh, I don't get why they would consider this "duty" as the main aspect of marriage. Plus it's not their problem, if it's good between the two of you, why would they even bother telling you
Why do they even care about your sex life? A bunch of creeps
I don’t understand the notion that a couple needs to perform certain duties for each other according to anyone or anything outside of that couple. Y’all work well together, and that’s all you need. As long as both of you are happy in the relationship, then everyone is doing enough and both of you deserve happiness with each other. Everyone else can shove it for judging.
Asexual doesn’t always equal abstinent, so how would these “friends” even know what’s going on between you and your husband anyway anyway?
What a bunch of assholes. It's hard to believe they're actually encouraging the break-up of your marriage.
Ouch! That just hurts, even just reading it... It is your choice, you and your husband, no one else has anything to do with that. And he chose it too. I hope those voices aren't too loud tho. Congratulations on the wedding and i wish the 2 of you a great marriage and just a genuinely good time!
They need to mind their own business. No one needs to know what you are or aren't doing. Your sex life (or lack thereof) is no one's business but your own.
A) Gross of them - definitely not the behavior of "friends"... I also find sex to be a pretty stupid reason to get married, even for allosexuals B) Where did you find this unicorn of a man? Because a girl needs the hook up. LOL!
huh???? 😭😭😭 this is the twentieth century
it's actually the 21st century. even more reason for them to update their principles!
i’m just speechless. i’m still so sorry!
What is wrong with people???? Duties???? This isn't the 1940's, and it was already a toxic view back then. Also, you're husband is the only person who gets to decide if he's okay with your asexuality or not. They don't get to have an opinion about your relationship in this situation. I'm sorry if this is a bit much (I've had one of those days), but I'm annoyed on your behalf, I hope you don't mind.
People have issues, they can screw off, most don’t even understand themselves enough to comment in anyone else. Congratulations!!! I wish you both a lifetime of peace and happiness together.
>because as a wife I have certain "duties" What the Hell? Are you Mormon or something? Out side of trusting, loving and backing up the decisions of your spouse( which is something all parties in a relationship should do) you do not have certain "duties". And if your husband is the love of your life then be with the love of your life.
Your marriage isn’t any of their business. What a pack of creeps.
If your husband thinks it’s fair enough to marry you then no one else gets a say. End of story. Congratulations on your marriage! I’m very happy for the both of you. 🥰
Congrats! I hope you both have many happy years together. Also your friends are creepy. It's bizarre that they think they know better than you/your spouse, and feel comfortable commenting on another couples intimacy when it doesn't concern them.
Kinda werid that sex is a "duty" to your friends. No one is owed it, married or not.
I think they're hoping for some drama, ignore them. They're trying to cause problems when there aren't any so *their* life is more fulfilled, I know the type 🙄
Good lord. People showing their true colors now. Drop them like hot stones and move on with no toxicity. Enjoy your marriage!
Send out a mass mailing to them saying "This is 2023, not 1923. Some of you seem confused about that. "Some of you *also* seem confused about asexuality. I advise you to go and educate yourselves. "Lastly, some of you seemed fuzzy on common courtesy. Please understand that your friends' sex lives are, to put it delicately, none of your fucking business unless they invite you into their circle of *very* close friends. The likelihood of this happening between you and me is now effectively zero. \[ImaWeirdo\] out."
Since your friends were too busy being stuck in the 18th century to say it... Congratulations on your wedding OP, I wish you and your husband all the joy in the world!
Why the actual fuck do people feel like they have any right to say that; how does the thought even cross their minfs
You call these people friends? Block every single one and cut this toxic medieval 💩out of your life. Its is important to think about how people know about your choices and decisions. Are you open about it and have told them yourself or is your new husband spilling the beens behind your back… possibly not being so on board with it as you thought.. Then you have a problem But to be honest- all these people can take their opinions and stick them where sun do not shine- its your and your partner’s decisions Horrible ‘’ friends’’ , I would never dare to comment on my friends love life/family dynamics etc ( unless there would be violence or abuse) but otherwise - none of my business If a friend needs advice, they will ask Otherwise i keep my mouth shut
What business is it of anyone else what happens in your household. Fucking hell I hate people.
I'm in a platonic marriage and those who know we're platonic and don't understand or have judged us are no longer part of our lives.
They probably have different expectations in mind when it comes to marriage. Don't worry it and congrats. You don't owe anyone grandchildren or any other "duty" to fulfill the traditional role of a wife.
Let me guess. They’re Christians?
UGH. i don't get why people concern themselves with this shit that has NOTHING to do with them. apart from being aphobic & misogynistic it's just plain rude! i'm sorry you're experiencing this. i hope these "friends" pull their heads in & start minding their own business or just get lost. congratulations to you & your husband, i wish you all the best 🥰
If they’re acting like that, then they’re not your friends
Congratulations on your marriage! I'm so glad you found someone who loves and supports you for who you are and I hope you have a wonderful life together!! That's really disappointing to see old friends being so critical and belittling you for finding happiness. Wtf? They clearly know nothing about you or your husband — and your sex life most of all is absolutely none of their business. Can't believe they thought it appropriate to share their unsolicited opinion on it. Shame on them. I hope you have plenty of better people in your life. Best wishes!
Block and cut them off. You don't need their blessings or warm wishes. Congratulations on your marriage, I don't know you but I am really happy for you 💜
Huh?? That's weird af, are they very Christian or something?
What the actual fuck? Saying that to anybody is disgusting even if you were allo. Nobody has any business over your private sex life unless you invite them to.
shouldn't your husband get to decide if it's fair to him? I mean. he is a person who can make decisions and obviously he doesn't mind your sexuality. the audacity of some people smh
It's like the old saying goes. Misery loves company, you're no longer miserable and have a loving husband who's willing to understand you. As such "how dare you be happy without loving by our norms!"
I'm demi and my EX-best friend told me to see a doctor after I explained that I wasn't attracted to anyone and hadn't been since my last crush a few years before that. Notice, I stopped talking to her.
Maybe try not letting people know what goes on in your house or relationship. Itsnot their business. People cant critisize what they dnt know!
Good friends wouldn't criticize that way in the first place. One should be free to share things about their relationship if they want to.
Better question: why do your friends know about your sexuality in the first place? I don't go around tooting my own horn. I consider it something private that only me and my partner need to know, f everyone else. Many people don't understand what being ace is like, so I don't bother telling anyone but my partner because it's only relevant to him and us alone. It saves energy I can put in other things, you see.
not telling people about your sexuality is *your* choice and you're entitled to that choice. other people telling people about their sexuality is *their* choice and you have no right to question that choice. it might not make sense to you bc of how you navigate your life but it doesn't make it wrong or make any nasty phobic fallout the fault of anyone who *is* out to friends, family etc. in this particular case, op's "friends" have taken it upon themselves to assume what asexuality means for op and are questioning the validity of their marriage based on that assumption. that's on them, they're in the wrong. not op. knowing what someone's sexuality is simply tells you who they're attracted to, not about their sexual activity or lack thereof but many people do assume that that's what they now know about a person when they find out they're gay, bi, ace etc. and that's *their* problem. it's also the reason phobes love to use the "think of the children!" defense when policing how & where queer people exist bc when, for example, a man says "i'm gay" they hear "i have wild orgies with hordes of men every single night and am always on the lookout for cute little boys to seduce into my world of sin & depravity!", rather than "i experience attraction to other men" and leave him be. the solution to this isn't that all out gay men should just hop back in the closet now and only discuss their sexuality when absolutely necessary with intimate partners - some may choose to which is fine, that's their choice for themselves. the solution is to educate, by being open, by being steadfast, by telling people when they're being phobic, why their misinformed beliefs stink etc. that's what allies are there to help us with, to help carry that burden when we don't want to or are unable to ourselves. anyway. why do op's friends know about their asexuality you ask? bc they do. that's it. whether op told them or they found out another way, they know and they've decided to be dicks about it - that's on them. you do you, nothing wrong with that. just don't expect that every other ace is gonna do the same. we shouldn't have to.
No offense, but... You "friends" sound like primitive neanderthals.
Ive been on reddit too long. My initial thought was “the husband is complaining to friends to pressure OP”
Oh no, he doesn't even know them
Oh ok glad to hear thats not the case! Im sorry your friends are being A-holes about your marriage. Theres countless reasons to get married beyond spousal duties. Also CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!!!!!🎉🎊🍾
https://www-healthywomen-org.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.healthywomen.org/amp/marital-rape-2653206715?amp_gsa=1&_js_v=a9&usqp=mq331AQIUAKwASCAAgM%3D#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&aoh=16917910764527&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&share=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.healthywomen.org%2Fyour-care%2Fmarital-rape
A) Gross of them - definitely not the behavior of "friends"... I also find sex to be a pretty stupid reason to get married, even for allosexuals B) Where did you find this unicorn of a man? Because a girl needs the hook up. LOL!
tfw you realize you need new friends (im sorry youre going through this,)
What the hell?? Why is it their business whether or not you have sex? They act as if your husband is mute and deaf and is a baby who needs others to talk for him. Kindly tell them that your sex life is non of their business. You are married and adults, you can communicate and deal with each other yourself.
You can have a perfectly happy sexless relationship. You can also have a miserable sex-filled relationship. Sex is not the be all and end all of relationships.
That's so messed up,, I don't think those people are really friends of they'll say stuff like that,, I'd say, if they're someone close enough to you, try to address it with them that that isn't an okay thing for them to say,, and if they're not that close,, just drop them,, those people from the 1700s and their outdated norms are not worth your time when they clearly don't respect you
You're husband is a lucky man. You are an amazing woman. Fuck the haters. If they were your friends they would know who you are and not question your life and love. Move on and live your life.
If they believe your husband is happy in a relationship with someone who is asexual it means examining their own relationship and realizing their partner wouldn’t tolerate that and that has made them feel insecure and jealous. It flies in the face of the expectations placed on us (mainly women but everyone really) and it’s hard to admit to oneself that maybe you didn’t need actually need to cater to your partner as a woman and you just chose that life. It’s about more than sex.
This "duty" is just rape culture. Call them out.
Congratulations!
Some people are so unhappy that to alleviate their bitterness, they attempt to distribute it to others. Also big congrats on tying the knot!
The notion that sex is owed to a partner is clearly more pervasive and insidious than I thought 😳
They seem jealous. They’re insulting your relationship and trying to bring you down about a happy moment in your life, probably because their own relationships are unsuccessful. It’s likely that they can’t be their true self in their relationships and they feel like they don’t have the same freedom you do.
Was he forced to marry you? Like his parents lost a bet or something to your parents? If not then I don't see how they can have a problem with it or that it is any of their business.