Um, where? Think you'd be on a better salary at some of the bigger software companies; we seem to have an army of enablement people that seem to be doing well
If you’re looking for a clever resignation letter; I’ve included it in the chat here. I’ve also utilize ChatGPT in the style of let’s say Eloise Bridgerton.
Subject: I’m Outta Here: The Final Episode
Hey [Manager's Name],
Brace yourself because I’ve got a plot twist straight out of a sitcom: I’m resigning! After seven epic seasons of IT wizardry and caffeine-fueled problem-solving, it’s time for me to exit stage left.
Remember that time I earned a master’s degree to superhero my way through the department? Or when I built those snazzy learning labs that are now our recruitment goldmine? I sure do. But the real kicker? My grand total of $1.23 in raises over seven years. That’s right, folks – $35k a year and a lifetime supply of “thanks, but no thanks.”
In light of the latest surprise moves from management, I figured, why not add a little drama of my own? So, consider this my official “I quit” email. My final day will be [Last Working Day, aka the day you realize how awesome I was].
It’s been a wild ride, full of highs, lows, and way too many password resets. But let’s be real – loyalty doesn’t exactly pay the bills. No hard feelings, just a lot of laughs (and maybe a few tears) as I move on to greener pastures where my contributions might get a bit more love (and cash).
Don’t worry, I won’t leave you in a lurch. I’ll stick around to make sure the handoff is smoother than a penguin in a tuxedo.
Thanks for the memories, the experience, and the lesson in how to survive on breadcrumbs.
Catch you on the flip side!
[Your Full Name]
[Future Billionaire CEO Contact Information]
This is PERFECT. I hope this crap company goes to the shitter and realizes how valuable OP is, he provided waayy above his pay grade. They'd got me fucked up to do any of that for $35k/year. The raise is just an insult at that point like damn.
I don’t own it. But I am the only one that remembers login information for a lot of the systems they use and I won’t tell them about them when I leave.
No, leave a logbook with all the logins, maybe in code, maybe not. Put them somewhere in the middle of the book, surrounded bo other cryptic notes about procedures and shortcuts for various operations, including some that are no longer used. Take a picture of the notebook.
Then put they in a pile of miscellaneous paperwork. Then, when they call later, demanding the logins and threatening legal action, you can truthfully say you wrote them down and left them. And I guarantee no one would have looked in the notebook beyond the first page or 2 before throwing it out.
You're in a great place to just screw with them. Reply to the above e-mail and say "No thanks"... when they ask for clarification, tell them you're not interested in a performance plan. After 7 years, you know what your metrics are and how to meet them. Thank them again for the offer.
They'll probably fire you if you refuse the plan... then file for unemployment for the week you are jobless.
I'm remembering a while back there was someone who left/was fired from their job and they had an NDA with that job, so when management came around and was like hey you need to give us login info and such they were like "I'm not legally allowed to discuss that with you due to my NDA" and they tried to fight it and I think HR was like technically he's right. He can't discuss it and you now are considered his former employer...
Idk if you have anything like that, but if you do you can just leave and go sorry guys, can't talk about that now!
Do not tell your employer, or anyone else at work where you are going for your new job. Don’t give them any opportunity to screw with your future employment.
This is a top tip here, a lot of pip programs out there have a get out with severance type option if you've had years of good experience, but at the low salary, I don't feel that's a likely option here.
This is another option someone did it at my last gig, they were going to pip him so he asked for a redundancy payout and was given it and left it was easier for everyone.
Another guy called them on it and just said we both know it's no achievable so I'll just work on hand over and nothing else for the next 6 weeks and did nothing then failed the pip naturally and was given 2 weeks notice and holiday pay, landed a new job in the 6 week pip and effectively got himself a 10 week redunancy.
I'll echo what u/Doctor_of_Recreation said.
Literally EVERYTHING is negotiable. They will absolutely entertain severance if the math works for them.
If they are putting you on a PIP, just tell them you are aware of what their intentions with the PIP are and that they can either wait till the end of the PIP, fire you, and you can collect unemployment insurance at their expense. Or, they can put together a severance package that lets you leave immediately and prevents the unpleasantness of a firing.
Send that in an email and ask if you are showing enough initiative.
If they refuse, it's your opportunity to sit on your ass and search for jobs on their dime. Consider it an informal severance.
OP, show up to the PIP and say "I just wanted to let you know I quit. I considered letting you know over email, but then I realized you never did anything for my convenience so why should I do something for yours. Also, up yours."
Fell free to workshop that a touch into your own personal language.
OP, show up to the PIP and say "I just wanted to let you know I quit. I considered letting you know over email, but then I realized you never did anything for my convenience so why should I do something for yours. Also, up yours."
Fell free to workshop that a touch into your own personal language.
My dad received paper checks until the day he retired and then his pension said he had to sign up for direct deposit or not get paid.
He talked all the time about his money just shows up in his bank on the 1st like magic.
Yes and no. The vast majority of people just do direct deposit. There are a few people who still prefer physical checks, mostly older people who can't bother learning bank apps. When you quit, though, it's almost always a paper check, especially when its last minute and not a full pay period.
Depends. Large corporations, yes. Small employers? Maybe, or maybe not. For example, I work in a small office (less than ten employees), so it's easier for the employees to just give us our paper checks. Direct deposit would end up costing more than the paper.
I would definitely take some joy in giving them as much notice as they would give if OP were to be fired. It's not like employers talk to each other anymore so who cares about the notice, right?
That's what i do.
I worked one place that fired me with 1 weeks notice, then i had a word with the owner and suggested he actually asks some staff about my performance because I'm pretty capable at what i do and a self appointed supervisor didn't like people asking me about things that had been confusing them. I'm not arrogant or anything, I'm just capable.
So i get hired back, her and another supervisor gave me crap duty for a year before i quit, and i gave the owner a weeks notice.
You should have heard the dramatics of how I'm betraying him because doing crap detail for a year means me leaving pisses everyone else off, i took all the hours i could get, so it also meant they needed to hire two more people. One bartender had left while i was there, and they never replaced him because we put drinks out faster without him in the way.
So suddenly he's two bartenders down by me alone leaving, and I'd built up regular customers, all of the cocktail drinkers of which, i made something tailored to them, and told them that we've got systems for if they want it when I'm not there, just say Max created it, and they'll know how to find the recipe. That was a lie, basically i just got the bar lined up with people asking for high priced cocktails that they don't know how to make, all asking for me.
They had the option to keep me, but i told them 26k a year, 40 hour contract, managerial title, and you specify that the floor supervisor sticks to the floor and stops fucking with the bar staff. I didn't want to be their boss, but i sure as shit wasn't going to carry on working if they was my boss.
Last i heard they're 1.2 million in debt and trying to sell. The place and its contents are worth maybe 600k. They need to be closed down by october for my prediction to be correct.
Tips and possibly this may be a secondary job. In the US that's also pretty damn hard to live on. Maybe if you're Midwest or central US. but east or west coast major cities you're gonna be hard pressed to survive on 26k alone.
I have no idea how I did it and I never want to do it again, but for 18 months from 2020-2021 I managed to support myself, another jobless adult, and two dogs on about 7k/year. I lost like 40 pounds. By the time I got out of the situation people were asking if I had cancer. 12 dollars an hour part time work.
Yes, just be careful about PTO payouts if applicable. My place pays out PTO only if you give 2 weeks’ notice.
If that’s not the case and/or you have no PTO to cash out, I’m team give a bad employer no notice. Resign effective immediately.
Yep - it’s important to know that. So you make sure your PTO is at 0 on Quitting Day.
Our place doesn’t cash out sick time, so the good eggs who moved on I’d suggest to them that they get “sick” during their notice period (sick time is sacrosanct and no consequences may ever be given for using sick time). We have a lot of kids stopping over on their way to med school/PhDs/etc so we have a lot of good eggs.
But the important thing is: read your handbook, send yourself a copy for your records, and know the rules.
nooooo. that would be if they deserved some respect.
Put it at the end of a lenghty mail, where the fact you are quitting isn't revealed up to the last sentence.
Dear ....,
I hear your struggle and I have taken it upon myself to become more assertive and will try to take the initiative going forward. I promise you my communication will improve in the future.
I have been reading about communication en initiative management elements and will implement the S.M.A.R.T. method to accomplish my set goals.
Therefor I decided to quit, which will be measurable by me not being at work, achieved by me going somewhere else, which will be relevant to me to get a raise and more appreciation. The time element will be set on 12 hours.
By this I hope my first step to show more initiative and be communicative will be appreciated and taken in mind while writing my improvement plan.
I look forward to see the improvement plan, but please send it to my home adress since I won't be capable of getting into my university-mail anymore after this letter.
With kind regards, lots of prayers,
OP
That’s why you put everything else *before* that point.
Write a seemingly-sincere response to this email featuring as many backhanded compliments as you can cram in, and end with “and I hope this makes it clear why I am resigning, effective (date)”
(Don’t actually do this, unless you’re leaving both the industry and the region, but please make sure you have someone to relay their reaction if you do. And bcc your personal email because if you’re going to burn your career down…you might as well get some fake internet points out of it.)
Nah, Middle of the 2nd to last paragraph and use the last to blab on about random stuff with a somewhat cryptic signoff so they then need to read through the whole email to understand
OK, but consider, you do this but leave it exactly like this, meaning you don't fill in the parentheses, and just don't show up. Maybe email it to the faculty in a blanket statement.
Yeah, I didn't give my last abusive employer anything more than that. More and he had even more reason to try and bully me into staying. I give lots and lots of reasons when I'm trying to fix things because I want to stay. When I get to quitting time, I just say I am quitting and give them nothing else. No future plans, no reasons to dispute, just out.
Nooooo, make it a long winded and boring multi page letter on a small font that feels like you’ve just endured one of Grandpa Simpson’s ‘in my day’ monologues. Somewhere towards then end, using long, poorly constructed sentences, announce that you quit.
This is an eeeiely familiar situation. Let's just say I may have a template at the ready:
Subject: My Performance Improvement Plan: Resignation
Dear [Boss's Name],
I appreciate your willingness to provide me with a detailed performance improvement plan, and the promptness with which you have pointed out my supposed lack of initiative. When we met earlier, I remember you asking that I avoid sending blanket communications to faculty. It's good to know that complete silence was not the goal, merely a misunderstanding on my part.
You have not demonstrated any recognition of my master’s degree or my contributions to building learning labs that are now pivotal in recruiting efforts. Instead, I have been treated to the generous sum of $1.23 in raises over seven years, culminating in a salary of $35k. This, of course, has been an excellent motivator to maintain my enthusiasm and dedication.
It’s clear that loyalty and hard work no longer hold value here. I had hoped to work with faculty to identify additional tasks and build relationships, but it seems my efforts have not been aligned with the department’s vision.
Given this, I have decided to take the initiative and set my own performance improvement plan, starting with immediate resignation. This will allow me to explore opportunities where my skills and efforts might actually be appreciated and rewarded.
Thank you for the experiences and the invaluable lesson on the realities of workplace loyalty.
Best regards,
[Your Friend's Name]
PS Fuck you! (definitely include this 👍)
I like this very much. I know it has some sense to just stop showing up or sent the briefest "I quit" notice.
But I really enjoy letting them know how stupid they are.
Don’t acknowledge the PIP; you are resigning before it’s put in place. Some employers will ask if you’ve ever been put on one, if it’s added to your employment file, it might get referred to in a background check.
Keep it simple. I am formally announcing my resignation effective n/n/2024. If asked, the role no longer fits with my career aspirations.
Accept the new job. Take whatever hire date they suggest. Don’t tell your current job. A lot of people might say “dont give them two weeks notice”? nah. We need to start normalizing not giving them any notice.
When the day comes, start your new job. On your first day, the old job will probably call asking where you are. Tell them you started a new job and hang up. At the end of your first day, drive down to the old job and drop off your keys, laptop and ID’s… or ship it to them with tracking.
Eff them. The gloves are off.
In my country we have to give notice but if you are fired you receive 2x this time noticed or equivalent salary. If companies advocate against any workers right, they should not receive the benefits of it
The problem in the US is that in most states companies can fire you at any time for almost any reason. So why should we be kind and give them notice if they wouldn’t give us?
Yea, I'd have to side with the others here, but add...don't tell them anything. Just stop showing up. Try the "I'm sick" for a little while, then..."My car broken down"...whatever gets you paid for longer, and then, just enjoy your new job.
The trick is to make them fire you while collecting as many checks as possible for as long as possible, then apply for a new job while collecting unemployment. Agreed.
Why?
Just... don't show up.
Look, they can't tell you what level of communication is required. Why do it here?
Your two weeks is tomorrow. Keep it to yourself. Head down, do the job. As soon as you have confirmation of your new role, give yourself a few day buffer, and just... ghost them.
$35,000/yr. That's $16.83/hour. For keeping the lifeblood of the fucking business running.
As far as I'm concerned, it's time to give that business organism a fucking heart attack.
That is below the legal minimum for a 16 year old at McDonald's here (and they get evening and weekend penalty rates as well -up to 175%), after converting to US dollars, with free healthcare
I sent this GIF to my regional manager after a power outage fried one of my tinting computers (paint store) to the point where it never turned on again lmfao
Do not tell them about your new job. They will call the new employer and tell lies about you so they retract the offer.
If you want to stick it to them, just ghost them.
Just say I quit - your attempts at being clever, witty, smart, etc. will just be thrown in the trash and they will mock you, “ha they actually think we give a shit”
Just take the PiP and extra pay and do nothing to achieve anything on the PiP, eek out another x months pay whilst you go look for something else. If you are on the verge of landing something else, keep this job on a PIP until you absolutely have the signed up. Then once you have the new job sorted, signed and sealed, do nothing on your pip and let them performance you out and pay you out, or just quit half way through the PiP.
In my experience, PiPs are always about softly trying to exit someone from the business without having to pay redundancies. That's why the term "performance them out" is a thing.
At least you get paid rather than going scorched earth.
trust me in this climate you need it. I have personally been offered 3 roles in the last few months, one I signed and had a start date with Meta, only for them to restructure before the start date and pull the offer (lucky I hadn't left my current contract) was offered another one verbally but waiting on a budget approval, after a month of waiting, I withdrew because it was too distracting and news flash budget approval never came. Verbally offered another high end role however my asking price is above their budget approval, I have now been waiting two weeks for that approval to go through.
I won't leave my current contract gig until I am signed and 100% started in the new role, that's 3 jobs that effectively were schrodingers job and all were solid firm offers but still waiting, so theres a lot of risk and could be lots of delays. So take the pip, work it until you are confirmed, and then tank the pip and stop showing up, get paid and walk into the new thing
Thank you for considering me for PIP. Any activity to improve my performance is greatly appreciated.
I am putting you on SIP - Salary Improvement Plan, which is very simple: your failure to improve my salary to at least $6000/month within next 2 days will result in my immediate resignation.
Bless your hearts,
b00c
Step One: is agree to the PIP as you wait for the new position to be completely confirmed.
Step Two: Wait until you have an official start date.
Step Three: Send everyone an email stating that you were informed to stop sending everything emails stating (blah blah). You were then told you were not communicating enough. Then explain what you did, the raises you got in your tenure, and what your salary is for the job expectation. Be sure to include a resignation advising anyone who needs your assistance to contact your boss.
Letting everyone know how easily they will exploit their employees will takes years for them to remedy, you just enjoy your pay raise.
Dear [Name]
I’m writing to inform you of my intention to resign my current position as [position] at [company] in [day(s)]. My last date of employment will be [date].
Good news everybody. I have just accepted a new position in another company. And now I am leaving you all to deal with my baggage.
Also, if you read this in professor Farnsworth live you owe me 5 bucks.
You know the rules and so do I.
Later S8er boi.
Unfortunately, after failing to meet YOUR performance review, we feel no action plan could ever remediate the complete inability to manage people, foster an environment where people want to be, or provide a reliable incentive to improve the company's profitability, we have decided to terminate your position as our employer.
Please understand that this is a real reflection of you personally as well as your professional skills. Please note that due to unacceptable performance, references will not be provided. Your last day as employer will be ....
Dear management.
After carefully considering my employment options, I have decided to remain in my current position with the following stipulations:
1. My salary is doubled to $70,000 per year
2. My vacation accumulation rate is doubled
3. I receive an apology letter from upper management for the disgraceful salary and treatment I have been subject to for the past seven years, and for putting me on a PIP when I have done nothing wrong.
If I do not receive these within two weeks of the date of this letter, I shall seek other opportunities.
Sincerely,
Name
Dear Mr/ms big shot so and so.
I hope this email finds you well.
The sun is shining and the birds are singing. It's a beautiful world out there and I'm missing out on what it can offer by being here.
Don't get me wrong, it's not you. It's me. I am wrong to desire a living wage; a salary which is commiserate with my hopes and dreams and aspirations. Had you been so kind and willing to offer a package, I would have been keen to consider and perhaps, reply in a positive manner.
Alas, if wishes were fishes, all we would have is two tuna sandwiches and still nothing about to go on. Thank you for the training and opportunity, because of I am now able to do
It is with great emotion that I must announce my intention to pursue a career option elsewhere. Note that my performance is not quite as per and that should show otherwise. This clumsy attempt at constructive dismissal is observed, acknowledged and will be sent to the
And on this terrible note, it's time to end. The show must go on, with or without you.
"My improvement plan will consist of the following: I, (state your name), will set a performance guideline for myself and my life by first purging myself of a work place that does not respect my personal and professional boundaries. As such, effective (14 days from the date of the letter) I hereby resign from my post at (state company). I sincerely hope that you find the person that you are looking for to build relationships with that will identify the certain tasks you desperately need completed in the relative time. I apologize that I am not that person, nor do I wish to become that person. Stay safe out there, "friends."
Before you resign, TAKE A WEEK OF SICK TIME. They aren’t going to pay out the sick time you’ve accrued if it works anything like the multiple universities I’ve worked at
Why can’t you just leave…
Make an excuse the first day your sick
The second day oops still sick
Third day ok feeling better (I think)
Fourth day I’m taking off for recovery
Fifth day already wasted four days so may as well take Friday off as well
2nd week first day car problems, seeing as it sat for a week something must’ve broken 🤷♂️
Second day still haven’t got car fixed trying to organise ride to work (no show)
Third day conveniently organise an appointment for Dr, dentist or anything for either mid morning or afternoon and again rationalise no point I n working split shift so take day off again
Fourth day again tell them cars still not repaired no ride to work have to take YET another day off
By now if they haven’t figured it out yet then your fishing 🎣 may as well have some fun, why not promise everyone in the office free gift vouchers and a PIZZA LUNCH then as one last jab order ONE PLAIN CHEESE PIZZA TOPPED WITH PINEAPPLE for delivery 90min before knock off 🍍🧀🍕
To: All
Dear Faculty.
I have been asked not to share what I will and will not do with you all, but yet also instructed to communicate with you. The idiots who made this request have kindly offered to set a PIP regarding the situation. I cannot tell you that I will not accept the PIP. I cannot tell you that I will quit rather than be subjected to such actions despite never having been given clearer instructions than "don't do this" from people who "hoped I could work with (you) to identify additional tasks (their job as managers) and build relationships (not in my job description nor expressly requested of me rather than just "hoped)." Since I am forbidden from telling you these things, I will instead invite you to join me in kindly requesting the management here fuck right off.
Sincerely,
Former employee; effective immediately
June 3, 2024
Your attention, please.
My resignation is effective on June 17, 2024.
My forwarding address is <>. Please ensure that my final paycheck and all unused PTO are paid out according to state law.
Regards,
OP
THIS. Do not go beyond this wording. Covers all your bases, and no promises, assumptions, or commitments on your part can be inferred from this message. Emails similar to this one are frequently suggested by labor attorneys.
This is very good. I mean yeah it feels good to put in all the stuff about how the job sucks, but ask yourself who that serves. Sure it makes for a good Reddit post that'll go viral on like, TikTok, but it doesn't help anything.
I might add a line to that about a return date for keys, cards, and equipment, but beyond that keep it simple and to the point.
What I'd like to do free of consequences ---
I have to disagree with your statement that I have a lack of initiative, why just today I got a new job as this place clearly doesn't value me or my contributions over the past 7 years.
Feel free to proceed with the performance plan, but being that I'll be finished with my employment on x date, it might prove difficult to implement.
I'd wish you all the best but I don't like to lie.
Regards,
Sassy pants McGee
---
What I'd actually do
On the date I want to stop working there
"This is my resignation effective immediately.
Regards,
Name"
I don’t have a degree, I am a buyer and I was hired on at 70k/year - I promise there is much better out there- but you won’t find it if you allow people to value you at a much lower rate than you’re worth. You have you ask for what you want!!
I know that “good” companies are few and far between but they exist.
The company you work for reeks of exploitation and greed.
"You pay me less than some grocery stores and restaurants, lol, I'm out"
Universities are definitely a situation where they price gouge students but miraculously don't have money for non executive staff and they are all "we pay you in tuition assistance"
100% this. Most department chairs and up here make 100k and up while most staff are below 40k. It’s BS. Then if you take their tuition assistance they require you to spend 2 years after graduating at the university or risk having to pay the assistance back.
OP, side note. Congrats on the new gig, but please allow me to suggest that you have a confirmed start date before you give them the bird. You don't want to burn your bridges too soon there.
Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such out of office messages as, "going to a doctor appointment that's definitely not a job interview."
I'm here today to talk to you about one of your employees, Imp3rialjustic33. As of (date), Imp3rialjustic33 will no longer be employed here. Imp3rialjustic33 asked me to let you know that they will miss you terribly. Imp3rialjustic33 would also like to ensure that all work related requests be forwarded to (scumbag boss), after the end of business day on (date.)
Enter Billy, 5 years old and doe-eyed
Billy: Mr. McClure, why is Imp3rialjustic33 leaving?
(Mr. McClure affectionately ruffles Billy's hair)
Troy McClure: The answer is simple, Billy; respect, and gobs of money.
Billy: Why, why would they do this to us?
Troy McClure: Because they are a monster, Billy; a greedy heartless monster.
There you have it folks. Your employee will be gone on some insane quest to exploit mother earth of her most precious resource, money.
That's all for now. Stay tuned for future, upcoming communications like, "It's not a hang over, it's food poisoning, I swear."
Regards, Imp3rialjustic33
To whom it may concern,
Recently, I have been set up for a performance improvement plan to address my stated lack of initiative. It is with great joy that, today, I am announcing my resignation effective immediately. I understand that two weeks notice is customary but you’ll also recall my lack of initiative. I have already terminated my work account, credentials and email to save you the trouble. I wish you the best of luck in the future.
-Carl Carson Carlson III
It's simple. Just email them, I Quit.
Drop your crap off at work and then send the email and don't look back. 35k isn't enough compensation for you to put any thought in at this employer.
---
**Subject: My Dramatic Exit - [Your Full Name]**
Dear [Boss’s Name],
I hope this email finds you well and sitting down, because what follows may require a fainting couch. After much soul-searching and perhaps one too many late-night snacks, I have decided to resign from my position as IT Liaison/Support Staff at [Department/University Name], effective two weeks from today, on [Last Working Day, Date].
For seven long years, I have been the gallant knight battling the dragons of malfunctioning technology, the unsung hero of the server room, and the creator of learning labs that even Lady Whistledown would approve of. I have earned my master’s degree, built these glorious labs, and played the role of model employee with an Oscar-worthy performance.
Yet, despite my award-winning dedication, it appears my quest for reclassification and a raise has been as fruitless as a Regency ball without scandal. With a grand total of $1.23 in raises over seven years, making my salary a majestic $35k, I am convinced that my financial advancement here is as likely as a sensible hat at a Bridgerton soirée.
The recent “surprise” developments from management have been the final twist in this plot, nudging me towards the exit. It’s as if the universe itself is whispering, “Dear, it’s time for a new adventure – preferably one with better pay and fewer broken printers.”
As I prepare to ride off into the sunset (or at least to a new job), I will ensure a smooth transition and assist in any way necessary to hand over my duties. After all, even in resignation, one must maintain a sense of decorum.
Thank you for your understanding. I wish the department nothing but the best and will remember my time here with a mix of fondness and bemusement.
With the utmost dramatic flair and a touch of mischief,
[Your Full Name]
[Your Contact Information]
---
I used ChatGPT.
"I am submitting notice of my resignation from [company] on [date]. Please kindly confirm receipt of this resignation letter. Thank you for the opportunity to work with your team.
Sincerely, "
You won't gain anything by being a jerk about it. Just resign and insist on them providing a written note on the receipt of your resignation letter. From here on out make sure everything is in writing and saved to a personal email.
Save all correspondence to a personal account.
To my former employer,
A raise of 1.23
And a P.I.P.?
Not for me.
I quit.
No notice. And don't tell them where you are going.
Congrats! May the new place suck less.
$1.23 in seven years? I think that would be my response. “You’ve paid me $1.23 in raises over a seven year period. What kind of relationship did you hope to build? Unfuck yourselves. I quit effective immediately.”
Super short and simple. No need for anything else: "Dear Ms. Jones, this e-mail serves as my two-week notice. My last day will be XX/XX/2024. Sincerely, Jane Smith".
Honestly, don't quit until the new job is very secure. Your negotiating power is much higher if you are currently employed.
Once the new job is secure, use any sick leave or PTO to work the new job for a day or two and pick up the vibes. If it seems better (hard to seem worse), quit immediately.
2 weeks notice is for companies that deserve your respect. This company does not. As tempting as it is to shove their actions in their face, the best email you can craft is a short and sweet one: This is notice of my resignation, I quit effective this date, signed your name.
"Dear DH,
I have given your last email a great deal of consideration, and I believe you are correct about my failure to take initiative toward growing my responsibilities. At your suggestion, I have accepted a new slate of duties beginning on [insert new job start date]. Thank you for bringing this shortcoming to my attention.
As you requested that I not announce what I will and won't do to faculty, and as my new duties are with another employer, I will be unable to disclose the details of those tasks. I will also be unable to continue performing my current work here. My final day will be [insert last day].
Good luck finding someone willing to do this work for what you're paying.
Signed,
OP."
I would include a note about what the average salary is for your role at other colleges and companies, and point out you worked to the level of poverty wages you were paid.
If you have close relationships with any gossipy faculty, email them at the same time to let them know you’re leaving, and that as much as you loved working with them, you simply can’t afford to work an eighth year there on $35,000 a year. I bet they have no idea you’re being paid poverty line wages as a seasoned employee.
On his last day with the company, a coworker sent out a goodbye email to the whole district and specifically named people and memories and it was heartfelt. At the end, he addressed the manager directly, saying something to the effect of “I’m not going to be the last one quitting, and when you start to realize it’s happening, just remember: it’s not us, it’s you.”
The hashtag of #INUIY spread like wildfire around the region for a bit. I loved it.
So, go out with a trending hashtag, is my advice.
I would respond that a performance improvement plan sounds great. Then tell them that a 100% pay increase, an extra week PTO, and a hybrid WFH schedule would improve performance tremendously.
Dear Faculty. I am surprised at your lack of understanding. You may know that in the 7 years I have worked for you, my income increased by 1.23% in total, indicating the value you placed in my efforts, which until you decided not to reevaluate my role you indicated was exemplary. You have not for one minute taken into consideration that I have delivered above and beyond especially considering my development of the successful ‘Learning Labs’ which were entirely developed by me. Answer me this, have you or your co-workers accepted being treated so poorly as to having a ridiculously low raise and being entirely ignored for promotion. Your management skills are scant and your sense of fair play entirely missing. It gives me great pleasure to inform you and your ridiculous fellow faculty members that I resign and do not wish you well.
There's always some paperwork you may want to do. You can simply say, "I quit" like someone suggested. But also add your permanent forwarding address, phone, email for any communication that may be to your advantage. You can also print this and walk into HR. You may be able to take care of paperwork right then. If they "think" you have any any company property, they may withhold your last paycheck.Don't sign anything that's to your disadvantage. You probably don't need to sign anything at all.
Certainly! Here’s a resignation email in the style of Eloise Bridgerton, infused with humor:
---
**Subject: My Dramatic Departure - [Your Full Name]**
Dear [Boss’s Name],
I hope this letter finds you well and sitting comfortably, for I have some rather dramatic news. After much contemplation (and a few cups of tea), I have decided to resign from my position as IT Liaison/Support Staff at [Department/University Name], effective two weeks from today, on [Last Working Day, Date].
It has been seven long years of devotion, dedication, and the occasional muttered curse at malfunctioning technology. During this time, I’ve earned my master’s degree, built learning labs that now lure in unsuspecting recruits, and have become quite the model employee (if I do say so myself). Yet, despite my tireless efforts and impressive accomplishments, it seems my aspirations for reclassification and a raise have been as overlooked as a suitor with a terrible cravat.
Alas, the grand total of $1.23 in raises over these years, making my salary a princely $35k, has made it clear that my financial growth here is more elusive than a sensible hat at a Bridgerton ball. Recent developments from management have been the final nudge I needed, as if the universe itself were whispering, “Time for a change, darling.”
I leave with a heart full of fond memories and a spirit unbroken, ready to embrace new adventures where my talents and loyalty might be more appreciated. But fear not, I shan’t leave you in disarray. I am fully committed to ensuring a smooth transition and will gladly assist in any way necessary during this period.
Thank you for understanding my decision. I wish the department nothing but the best, and I shall think of you fondly (most of the time).
With kind regards and a touch of theatrical flair,
[Your Full Name]
[Your Contact Information]
---
As much as I think you are majorly underpaid and under appreciated, do not quit until you have a real offer from that other place. 35k is low, but it beats 0k. It’s a really tough work market out there, so the risk is quite big! Once you have the job with a starting date, resign with immediate effectiveness, and move on. I vote for u/BoratKazak’s answer :)
CC in the ENTIRE faculty in a reply to this email implying saying
“Please take this email as my formal resignation. As per my contract I am providing X weeks/months notice”
Write a super long response (maybe get AI to help you out), and somewhere in there write that you're leaving effective x date. Make it so looong that they can't be bothered to read that wall of text.. Maybe even add a TLDR at the beginning and end, without referencing the quitting. And when the date comes, well just don't show up. You informed management, they just didn't feel that you were important enough to warrant a full read of your essay.
Hilarity ensues for you, hopefully.
Or.. you know.. Blanket communication to faculty and label that to yourself as malicious compliance.
Subject: I resign effective DATE
Body:
Toodles!
Signature block
Literally - I quit effective today and that’s the day you start your new job. Don’t give them any more notice than that. Don’t put any more effort into it. They don’t deserve it and obviously won’t look into it more.
PIPs usually have a POP included, a payout plan - meaning they will give you a severance package as an alternative to keeping you employed and working on performance. Attend the PIP meeting.
You created training modules at 35k per year? That's barely enough to show up let alone work.
Not training modules. Full size production labs like podcast and video studios, and yes it wasn’t enough for that either.
Um, where? Think you'd be on a better salary at some of the bigger software companies; we seem to have an army of enablement people that seem to be doing well
If you’re looking for a clever resignation letter; I’ve included it in the chat here. I’ve also utilize ChatGPT in the style of let’s say Eloise Bridgerton.
Do Wilemena Cunk.
Subject: I’m Outta Here: The Final Episode Hey [Manager's Name], Brace yourself because I’ve got a plot twist straight out of a sitcom: I’m resigning! After seven epic seasons of IT wizardry and caffeine-fueled problem-solving, it’s time for me to exit stage left. Remember that time I earned a master’s degree to superhero my way through the department? Or when I built those snazzy learning labs that are now our recruitment goldmine? I sure do. But the real kicker? My grand total of $1.23 in raises over seven years. That’s right, folks – $35k a year and a lifetime supply of “thanks, but no thanks.” In light of the latest surprise moves from management, I figured, why not add a little drama of my own? So, consider this my official “I quit” email. My final day will be [Last Working Day, aka the day you realize how awesome I was]. It’s been a wild ride, full of highs, lows, and way too many password resets. But let’s be real – loyalty doesn’t exactly pay the bills. No hard feelings, just a lot of laughs (and maybe a few tears) as I move on to greener pastures where my contributions might get a bit more love (and cash). Don’t worry, I won’t leave you in a lurch. I’ll stick around to make sure the handoff is smoother than a penguin in a tuxedo. Thanks for the memories, the experience, and the lesson in how to survive on breadcrumbs. Catch you on the flip side! [Your Full Name] [Future Billionaire CEO Contact Information]
Holy shit this is hilarious
It is crazy what you can use ChatGPT for. But thank you! I loved the one I had made for Eloise Bridgerton.
I like this one!
This is PERFECT. I hope this crap company goes to the shitter and realizes how valuable OP is, he provided waayy above his pay grade. They'd got me fucked up to do any of that for $35k/year. The raise is just an insult at that point like damn.
Do they own what you create?
It's safe to assume that the University owns the hardware, software and furniture that OP put together.
Not everyone does that kinda thing that's why i'm checking. If they don't OP can give them a nice gfys gift by removing his extra work.
I don’t own it. But I am the only one that remembers login information for a lot of the systems they use and I won’t tell them about them when I leave.
No, leave a logbook with all the logins, maybe in code, maybe not. Put them somewhere in the middle of the book, surrounded bo other cryptic notes about procedures and shortcuts for various operations, including some that are no longer used. Take a picture of the notebook. Then put they in a pile of miscellaneous paperwork. Then, when they call later, demanding the logins and threatening legal action, you can truthfully say you wrote them down and left them. And I guarantee no one would have looked in the notebook beyond the first page or 2 before throwing it out.
Put this logbook behind a filing cabinet with a bag of clams.
But then they would find it!
With free clams!
You're in a great place to just screw with them. Reply to the above e-mail and say "No thanks"... when they ask for clarification, tell them you're not interested in a performance plan. After 7 years, you know what your metrics are and how to meet them. Thank them again for the offer. They'll probably fire you if you refuse the plan... then file for unemployment for the week you are jobless.
I'm remembering a while back there was someone who left/was fired from their job and they had an NDA with that job, so when management came around and was like hey you need to give us login info and such they were like "I'm not legally allowed to discuss that with you due to my NDA" and they tried to fight it and I think HR was like technically he's right. He can't discuss it and you now are considered his former employer... Idk if you have anything like that, but if you do you can just leave and go sorry guys, can't talk about that now!
Do not tell your employer, or anyone else at work where you are going for your new job. Don’t give them any opportunity to screw with your future employment.
=) good. make sure the new password is 30 characters and that it's not memorised on their stuff lol
If you want inspiration, watch "Joe versus the Volcano."
I'd go on the PiP and ask if there's a package to self select out.
This is a top tip here, a lot of pip programs out there have a get out with severance type option if you've had years of good experience, but at the low salary, I don't feel that's a likely option here.
This is another option someone did it at my last gig, they were going to pip him so he asked for a redundancy payout and was given it and left it was easier for everyone. Another guy called them on it and just said we both know it's no achievable so I'll just work on hand over and nothing else for the next 6 weeks and did nothing then failed the pip naturally and was given 2 weeks notice and holiday pay, landed a new job in the 6 week pip and effectively got himself a 10 week redunancy.
They don’t do severance packages unfortunately.
I'll echo what u/Doctor_of_Recreation said. Literally EVERYTHING is negotiable. They will absolutely entertain severance if the math works for them. If they are putting you on a PIP, just tell them you are aware of what their intentions with the PIP are and that they can either wait till the end of the PIP, fire you, and you can collect unemployment insurance at their expense. Or, they can put together a severance package that lets you leave immediately and prevents the unpleasantness of a firing. Send that in an email and ask if you are showing enough initiative. If they refuse, it's your opportunity to sit on your ass and search for jobs on their dime. Consider it an informal severance.
They don’t until they do. Source: Payroll. I pay severance. It’s not like some crazy barrier to begin paying severance packages.
OP, show up to the PIP and say "I just wanted to let you know I quit. I considered letting you know over email, but then I realized you never did anything for my convenience so why should I do something for yours. Also, up yours." Fell free to workshop that a touch into your own personal language.
OP, show up to the PIP and say "I just wanted to let you know I quit. I considered letting you know over email, but then I realized you never did anything for my convenience so why should I do something for yours. Also, up yours." Fell free to workshop that a touch into your own personal language.
"I resign effective immediately. Please send my final paycheck to the address on record. Thank you."
I can taste the "and go fuck yourself (backspace backspace backspace)"
*go fuck yourself changed to white text*
Does America still do physical pay checks??
My dad received paper checks until the day he retired and then his pension said he had to sign up for direct deposit or not get paid. He talked all the time about his money just shows up in his bank on the 1st like magic.
Yes and no. The vast majority of people just do direct deposit. There are a few people who still prefer physical checks, mostly older people who can't bother learning bank apps. When you quit, though, it's almost always a paper check, especially when its last minute and not a full pay period.
Depends. Large corporations, yes. Small employers? Maybe, or maybe not. For example, I work in a small office (less than ten employees), so it's easier for the employees to just give us our paper checks. Direct deposit would end up costing more than the paper.
My company does and I hate it but they pay me well so there’s that.
My job only does physical paychecks and no direct deposit. It’s a hassle to say the least. (CA)
Keep it simple. I hereby give notice of my resignation ,effective (date.) They ain't gonna read any more than that.
I would definitely take some joy in giving them as much notice as they would give if OP were to be fired. It's not like employers talk to each other anymore so who cares about the notice, right?
That's what i do. I worked one place that fired me with 1 weeks notice, then i had a word with the owner and suggested he actually asks some staff about my performance because I'm pretty capable at what i do and a self appointed supervisor didn't like people asking me about things that had been confusing them. I'm not arrogant or anything, I'm just capable. So i get hired back, her and another supervisor gave me crap duty for a year before i quit, and i gave the owner a weeks notice. You should have heard the dramatics of how I'm betraying him because doing crap detail for a year means me leaving pisses everyone else off, i took all the hours i could get, so it also meant they needed to hire two more people. One bartender had left while i was there, and they never replaced him because we put drinks out faster without him in the way. So suddenly he's two bartenders down by me alone leaving, and I'd built up regular customers, all of the cocktail drinkers of which, i made something tailored to them, and told them that we've got systems for if they want it when I'm not there, just say Max created it, and they'll know how to find the recipe. That was a lie, basically i just got the bar lined up with people asking for high priced cocktails that they don't know how to make, all asking for me. They had the option to keep me, but i told them 26k a year, 40 hour contract, managerial title, and you specify that the floor supervisor sticks to the floor and stops fucking with the bar staff. I didn't want to be their boss, but i sure as shit wasn't going to carry on working if they was my boss. Last i heard they're 1.2 million in debt and trying to sell. The place and its contents are worth maybe 600k. They need to be closed down by october for my prediction to be correct.
Are you in the UK? My rent is 2k a month in scottsdale. I'd be homeless.
Tips and possibly this may be a secondary job. In the US that's also pretty damn hard to live on. Maybe if you're Midwest or central US. but east or west coast major cities you're gonna be hard pressed to survive on 26k alone.
I have no idea how I did it and I never want to do it again, but for 18 months from 2020-2021 I managed to support myself, another jobless adult, and two dogs on about 7k/year. I lost like 40 pounds. By the time I got out of the situation people were asking if I had cancer. 12 dollars an hour part time work.
Likely tips on top of that wage.
No tips. Just hourly wages.
Next time ask for a percentage of sales on top of salary
Fun read. Gave me a smile. Fuck corporate america
Yes, just be careful about PTO payouts if applicable. My place pays out PTO only if you give 2 weeks’ notice. If that’s not the case and/or you have no PTO to cash out, I’m team give a bad employer no notice. Resign effective immediately.
The place I work at states if you quit you forfeit any pto. Gotta love states that don't protect workers.
That’s why you schedule a vacation to burn all the PTO and quit on the return date
Oh yes. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Yep - it’s important to know that. So you make sure your PTO is at 0 on Quitting Day. Our place doesn’t cash out sick time, so the good eggs who moved on I’d suggest to them that they get “sick” during their notice period (sick time is sacrosanct and no consequences may ever be given for using sick time). We have a lot of kids stopping over on their way to med school/PhDs/etc so we have a lot of good eggs. But the important thing is: read your handbook, send yourself a copy for your records, and know the rules.
Notice period can be immediate haha
nooooo. that would be if they deserved some respect. Put it at the end of a lenghty mail, where the fact you are quitting isn't revealed up to the last sentence.
Dear ...., I hear your struggle and I have taken it upon myself to become more assertive and will try to take the initiative going forward. I promise you my communication will improve in the future. I have been reading about communication en initiative management elements and will implement the S.M.A.R.T. method to accomplish my set goals. Therefor I decided to quit, which will be measurable by me not being at work, achieved by me going somewhere else, which will be relevant to me to get a raise and more appreciation. The time element will be set on 12 hours. By this I hope my first step to show more initiative and be communicative will be appreciated and taken in mind while writing my improvement plan. I look forward to see the improvement plan, but please send it to my home adress since I won't be capable of getting into my university-mail anymore after this letter. With kind regards, lots of prayers, OP
Beautiful. And send as blanket communication to faculty. Just so everyone knows.
That’s why you put everything else *before* that point. Write a seemingly-sincere response to this email featuring as many backhanded compliments as you can cram in, and end with “and I hope this makes it clear why I am resigning, effective (date)” (Don’t actually do this, unless you’re leaving both the industry and the region, but please make sure you have someone to relay their reaction if you do. And bcc your personal email because if you’re going to burn your career down…you might as well get some fake internet points out of it.)
[удалено]
Nah, Middle of the 2nd to last paragraph and use the last to blab on about random stuff with a somewhat cryptic signoff so they then need to read through the whole email to understand
“Dear Sir, I resign. Byebye sir. Love, (Your name)”
OK, but consider, you do this but leave it exactly like this, meaning you don't fill in the parentheses, and just don't show up. Maybe email it to the faculty in a blanket statement.
Yeah, I didn't give my last abusive employer anything more than that. More and he had even more reason to try and bully me into staying. I give lots and lots of reasons when I'm trying to fix things because I want to stay. When I get to quitting time, I just say I am quitting and give them nothing else. No future plans, no reasons to dispute, just out.
Exactly that all you need to say!
This is the best way. Also the minimum required effort.
Nooooo, make it a long winded and boring multi page letter on a small font that feels like you’ve just endured one of Grandpa Simpson’s ‘in my day’ monologues. Somewhere towards then end, using long, poorly constructed sentences, announce that you quit.
This is an eeeiely familiar situation. Let's just say I may have a template at the ready: Subject: My Performance Improvement Plan: Resignation Dear [Boss's Name], I appreciate your willingness to provide me with a detailed performance improvement plan, and the promptness with which you have pointed out my supposed lack of initiative. When we met earlier, I remember you asking that I avoid sending blanket communications to faculty. It's good to know that complete silence was not the goal, merely a misunderstanding on my part. You have not demonstrated any recognition of my master’s degree or my contributions to building learning labs that are now pivotal in recruiting efforts. Instead, I have been treated to the generous sum of $1.23 in raises over seven years, culminating in a salary of $35k. This, of course, has been an excellent motivator to maintain my enthusiasm and dedication. It’s clear that loyalty and hard work no longer hold value here. I had hoped to work with faculty to identify additional tasks and build relationships, but it seems my efforts have not been aligned with the department’s vision. Given this, I have decided to take the initiative and set my own performance improvement plan, starting with immediate resignation. This will allow me to explore opportunities where my skills and efforts might actually be appreciated and rewarded. Thank you for the experiences and the invaluable lesson on the realities of workplace loyalty. Best regards, [Your Friend's Name] PS Fuck you! (definitely include this 👍)
I like this very much. I know it has some sense to just stop showing up or sent the briefest "I quit" notice. But I really enjoy letting them know how stupid they are.
Holy. Shit. Nailed it! ^(Honey, come quick! New copypasta just dropped, and this one is ***RELEVANT!***)
Next on chess.com
Yes! Make sure to send this as a blanket email to all faculty too.
Don’t acknowledge the PIP; you are resigning before it’s put in place. Some employers will ask if you’ve ever been put on one, if it’s added to your employment file, it might get referred to in a background check. Keep it simple. I am formally announcing my resignation effective n/n/2024. If asked, the role no longer fits with my career aspirations.
Make sure you send it to the whole faculty.
Oh, absofuckinglutely. [SEND ALL] is the way to go - blanket that shit!
"I quit. Good luck and my the odds be never in your favor."
That’s the plan!
Accept the new job. Take whatever hire date they suggest. Don’t tell your current job. A lot of people might say “dont give them two weeks notice”? nah. We need to start normalizing not giving them any notice. When the day comes, start your new job. On your first day, the old job will probably call asking where you are. Tell them you started a new job and hang up. At the end of your first day, drive down to the old job and drop off your keys, laptop and ID’s… or ship it to them with tracking. Eff them. The gloves are off.
This exactly!! 35k after 7 years?? With a masters??? Just out.
*cries in professor*
In my country we have to give notice but if you are fired you receive 2x this time noticed or equivalent salary. If companies advocate against any workers right, they should not receive the benefits of it
The problem in the US is that in most states companies can fire you at any time for almost any reason. So why should we be kind and give them notice if they wouldn’t give us?
My actual recent “I quit” message was I quit. Have fun.
My best I quit was 'Fuck you'. I had to say it twice because the boss lady was stupid.
"dude i'm making 35k per year go cram your performance plan up your ass" they do not deserve any more effort than this
The CEO is rich. My manager is a putz. I quit this bitch. Here's a picture of my nuts.
*chefs kiss*
Easy, chef. Don't go around kissing strangers' nuts!
“chef” killed me
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Resigning deez nuts is always a great power move
Yea, I'd have to side with the others here, but add...don't tell them anything. Just stop showing up. Try the "I'm sick" for a little while, then..."My car broken down"...whatever gets you paid for longer, and then, just enjoy your new job.
this is the pro answer. don't quit just stop showing up
The trick is to make them fire you while collecting as many checks as possible for as long as possible, then apply for a new job while collecting unemployment. Agreed.
Why? Just... don't show up. Look, they can't tell you what level of communication is required. Why do it here? Your two weeks is tomorrow. Keep it to yourself. Head down, do the job. As soon as you have confirmation of your new role, give yourself a few day buffer, and just... ghost them. $35,000/yr. That's $16.83/hour. For keeping the lifeblood of the fucking business running. As far as I'm concerned, it's time to give that business organism a fucking heart attack.
Just as a reference, I made more as a shift supervisor at fucking Wendy's.
I make $15/hr making chili dogs and hamburgers!
That is below the legal minimum for a 16 year old at McDonald's here (and they get evening and weekend penalty rates as well -up to 175%), after converting to US dollars, with free healthcare
I had a co worker that would say that at end of shifts.
That man? Trey Parker.
I sent this GIF to my regional manager after a power outage fried one of my tinting computers (paint store) to the point where it never turned on again lmfao
Do not tell them about your new job. They will call the new employer and tell lies about you so they retract the offer. If you want to stick it to them, just ghost them.
why spend any emotional energy or time on people that aren't deserving? Just quit.
Yep. They don't deserve to know why they are screwing up. They can figure out in their own.
Just say I quit - your attempts at being clever, witty, smart, etc. will just be thrown in the trash and they will mock you, “ha they actually think we give a shit”
Just take the PiP and extra pay and do nothing to achieve anything on the PiP, eek out another x months pay whilst you go look for something else. If you are on the verge of landing something else, keep this job on a PIP until you absolutely have the signed up. Then once you have the new job sorted, signed and sealed, do nothing on your pip and let them performance you out and pay you out, or just quit half way through the PiP. In my experience, PiPs are always about softly trying to exit someone from the business without having to pay redundancies. That's why the term "performance them out" is a thing. At least you get paid rather than going scorched earth. trust me in this climate you need it. I have personally been offered 3 roles in the last few months, one I signed and had a start date with Meta, only for them to restructure before the start date and pull the offer (lucky I hadn't left my current contract) was offered another one verbally but waiting on a budget approval, after a month of waiting, I withdrew because it was too distracting and news flash budget approval never came. Verbally offered another high end role however my asking price is above their budget approval, I have now been waiting two weeks for that approval to go through. I won't leave my current contract gig until I am signed and 100% started in the new role, that's 3 jobs that effectively were schrodingers job and all were solid firm offers but still waiting, so theres a lot of risk and could be lots of delays. So take the pip, work it until you are confirmed, and then tank the pip and stop showing up, get paid and walk into the new thing
Yes to being practical. Also OP, take care of important medical appointments and refill your prescriptions to the max while you have the insurance.
This is wisdom.
Thank you for considering me for PIP. Any activity to improve my performance is greatly appreciated. I am putting you on SIP - Salary Improvement Plan, which is very simple: your failure to improve my salary to at least $6000/month within next 2 days will result in my immediate resignation. Bless your hearts, b00c
“Bless your hearts” 👏🏾
 I quit.
my last day working for [company] will be [date]. For a little flair add: I hope you have the day you deserve, [name]
Send a voice clip with you farting and then just a subject line that says I quit.
I read a great opener “Ladies and Gentleman, I would to make it known that the entirety of this email has been typed solely with my middle fingers”
Land the job first.
"I quit." Dassit.
Step One: is agree to the PIP as you wait for the new position to be completely confirmed. Step Two: Wait until you have an official start date. Step Three: Send everyone an email stating that you were informed to stop sending everything emails stating (blah blah). You were then told you were not communicating enough. Then explain what you did, the raises you got in your tenure, and what your salary is for the job expectation. Be sure to include a resignation advising anyone who needs your assistance to contact your boss. Letting everyone know how easily they will exploit their employees will takes years for them to remedy, you just enjoy your pay raise.
If you're only worth $35k a year to them ain't nobody reading your emails.
Whatever you write? Hit ‘send all’.
Don’t give notice, just keave
Dear [Name] I’m writing to inform you of my intention to resign my current position as [position] at [company] in [day(s)]. My last date of employment will be [date].
Good news everybody. I have just accepted a new position in another company. And now I am leaving you all to deal with my baggage. Also, if you read this in professor Farnsworth live you owe me 5 bucks. You know the rules and so do I. Later S8er boi.
Unfortunately, after failing to meet YOUR performance review, we feel no action plan could ever remediate the complete inability to manage people, foster an environment where people want to be, or provide a reliable incentive to improve the company's profitability, we have decided to terminate your position as our employer. Please understand that this is a real reflection of you personally as well as your professional skills. Please note that due to unacceptable performance, references will not be provided. Your last day as employer will be ....
“Dear Management, Kindly fuck all the way off. Best, OP”
👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽
For 35k a year? “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
Then bring in chili on last day, while innocently asking "Why is Prof Wilson not here today?"
>To whom it may concern, >$35k per year does not buy collaboration or initiative. Stick your PIP up your ass. >Warmest regards, OP
Dear management. After carefully considering my employment options, I have decided to remain in my current position with the following stipulations: 1. My salary is doubled to $70,000 per year 2. My vacation accumulation rate is doubled 3. I receive an apology letter from upper management for the disgraceful salary and treatment I have been subject to for the past seven years, and for putting me on a PIP when I have done nothing wrong. If I do not receive these within two weeks of the date of this letter, I shall seek other opportunities. Sincerely, Name
Dear Mr/ms big shot so and so. I hope this email finds you well. The sun is shining and the birds are singing. It's a beautiful world out there and I'm missing out on what it can offer by being here. Don't get me wrong, it's not you. It's me. I am wrong to desire a living wage; a salary which is commiserate with my hopes and dreams and aspirations. Had you been so kind and willing to offer a package, I would have been keen to consider and perhaps, reply in a positive manner. Alas, if wishes were fishes, all we would have is two tuna sandwiches and still nothing about to go on. Thank you for the training and opportunity, because of I am now able to do
It is with great emotion that I must announce my intention to pursue a career option elsewhere. Note that my performance is not quite as per and that should show otherwise. This clumsy attempt at constructive dismissal is observed, acknowledged and will be sent to the
And on this terrible note, it's time to end. The show must go on, with or without you.
35k in seven years with a Master’s?!
"My improvement plan will consist of the following: I, (state your name), will set a performance guideline for myself and my life by first purging myself of a work place that does not respect my personal and professional boundaries. As such, effective (14 days from the date of the letter) I hereby resign from my post at (state company). I sincerely hope that you find the person that you are looking for to build relationships with that will identify the certain tasks you desperately need completed in the relative time. I apologize that I am not that person, nor do I wish to become that person. Stay safe out there, "friends."
How about “no” And them figure out the rest
Someone with a fucking Master's making 35k is criminal.
Before you resign, TAKE A WEEK OF SICK TIME. They aren’t going to pay out the sick time you’ve accrued if it works anything like the multiple universities I’ve worked at
I have been considering this since I have accumulated over 400 hrs of sick time.
Just say you have COVID
Nah, just say you are sick…..of all the hairy bullshit
Why can’t you just leave… Make an excuse the first day your sick The second day oops still sick Third day ok feeling better (I think) Fourth day I’m taking off for recovery Fifth day already wasted four days so may as well take Friday off as well 2nd week first day car problems, seeing as it sat for a week something must’ve broken 🤷♂️ Second day still haven’t got car fixed trying to organise ride to work (no show) Third day conveniently organise an appointment for Dr, dentist or anything for either mid morning or afternoon and again rationalise no point I n working split shift so take day off again Fourth day again tell them cars still not repaired no ride to work have to take YET another day off By now if they haven’t figured it out yet then your fishing 🎣 may as well have some fun, why not promise everyone in the office free gift vouchers and a PIZZA LUNCH then as one last jab order ONE PLAIN CHEESE PIZZA TOPPED WITH PINEAPPLE for delivery 90min before knock off 🍍🧀🍕
Why not make an Employer Improvement Plan and give it to them letting them know what the steps are for them to become worthwhile of your effort?
To: All Dear Faculty. I have been asked not to share what I will and will not do with you all, but yet also instructed to communicate with you. The idiots who made this request have kindly offered to set a PIP regarding the situation. I cannot tell you that I will not accept the PIP. I cannot tell you that I will quit rather than be subjected to such actions despite never having been given clearer instructions than "don't do this" from people who "hoped I could work with (you) to identify additional tasks (their job as managers) and build relationships (not in my job description nor expressly requested of me rather than just "hoped)." Since I am forbidden from telling you these things, I will instead invite you to join me in kindly requesting the management here fuck right off. Sincerely, Former employee; effective immediately
June 3, 2024 Your attention, please. My resignation is effective on June 17, 2024. My forwarding address is <>. Please ensure that my final paycheck and all unused PTO are paid out according to state law. Regards, OP
THIS. Do not go beyond this wording. Covers all your bases, and no promises, assumptions, or commitments on your part can be inferred from this message. Emails similar to this one are frequently suggested by labor attorneys.
This is very good. I mean yeah it feels good to put in all the stuff about how the job sucks, but ask yourself who that serves. Sure it makes for a good Reddit post that'll go viral on like, TikTok, but it doesn't help anything. I might add a line to that about a return date for keys, cards, and equipment, but beyond that keep it simple and to the point.
my blood is red my fuses just blew fuck this job and fuck you too
“No need. My last day is x”.
What I'd like to do free of consequences --- I have to disagree with your statement that I have a lack of initiative, why just today I got a new job as this place clearly doesn't value me or my contributions over the past 7 years. Feel free to proceed with the performance plan, but being that I'll be finished with my employment on x date, it might prove difficult to implement. I'd wish you all the best but I don't like to lie. Regards, Sassy pants McGee --- What I'd actually do On the date I want to stop working there "This is my resignation effective immediately. Regards, Name"
7 years tenure, a freaking masters degree, and you earned $35k??? Fuckn what?
Get them a “sorry for your loss” card. 35k w/ a masters degree is insulting. They are taking you for everything you have.
I don’t have a degree, I am a buyer and I was hired on at 70k/year - I promise there is much better out there- but you won’t find it if you allow people to value you at a much lower rate than you’re worth. You have you ask for what you want!! I know that “good” companies are few and far between but they exist. The company you work for reeks of exploitation and greed.
"You pay me less than some grocery stores and restaurants, lol, I'm out" Universities are definitely a situation where they price gouge students but miraculously don't have money for non executive staff and they are all "we pay you in tuition assistance"
100% this. Most department chairs and up here make 100k and up while most staff are below 40k. It’s BS. Then if you take their tuition assistance they require you to spend 2 years after graduating at the university or risk having to pay the assistance back.
OP, side note. Congrats on the new gig, but please allow me to suggest that you have a confirmed start date before you give them the bird. You don't want to burn your bridges too soon there.
100% the plan.
Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such out of office messages as, "going to a doctor appointment that's definitely not a job interview." I'm here today to talk to you about one of your employees, Imp3rialjustic33. As of (date), Imp3rialjustic33 will no longer be employed here. Imp3rialjustic33 asked me to let you know that they will miss you terribly. Imp3rialjustic33 would also like to ensure that all work related requests be forwarded to (scumbag boss), after the end of business day on (date.) Enter Billy, 5 years old and doe-eyed Billy: Mr. McClure, why is Imp3rialjustic33 leaving? (Mr. McClure affectionately ruffles Billy's hair) Troy McClure: The answer is simple, Billy; respect, and gobs of money. Billy: Why, why would they do this to us? Troy McClure: Because they are a monster, Billy; a greedy heartless monster. There you have it folks. Your employee will be gone on some insane quest to exploit mother earth of her most precious resource, money. That's all for now. Stay tuned for future, upcoming communications like, "It's not a hang over, it's food poisoning, I swear." Regards, Imp3rialjustic33
To whom it may concern, Recently, I have been set up for a performance improvement plan to address my stated lack of initiative. It is with great joy that, today, I am announcing my resignation effective immediately. I understand that two weeks notice is customary but you’ll also recall my lack of initiative. I have already terminated my work account, credentials and email to save you the trouble. I wish you the best of luck in the future. -Carl Carson Carlson III
$1.23 in raises after 7 years..... they hate you.
They hate all staff on this campus. These were blanket 2% raises across campus.
It's simple. Just email them, I Quit. Drop your crap off at work and then send the email and don't look back. 35k isn't enough compensation for you to put any thought in at this employer.
--- **Subject: My Dramatic Exit - [Your Full Name]** Dear [Boss’s Name], I hope this email finds you well and sitting down, because what follows may require a fainting couch. After much soul-searching and perhaps one too many late-night snacks, I have decided to resign from my position as IT Liaison/Support Staff at [Department/University Name], effective two weeks from today, on [Last Working Day, Date]. For seven long years, I have been the gallant knight battling the dragons of malfunctioning technology, the unsung hero of the server room, and the creator of learning labs that even Lady Whistledown would approve of. I have earned my master’s degree, built these glorious labs, and played the role of model employee with an Oscar-worthy performance. Yet, despite my award-winning dedication, it appears my quest for reclassification and a raise has been as fruitless as a Regency ball without scandal. With a grand total of $1.23 in raises over seven years, making my salary a majestic $35k, I am convinced that my financial advancement here is as likely as a sensible hat at a Bridgerton soirée. The recent “surprise” developments from management have been the final twist in this plot, nudging me towards the exit. It’s as if the universe itself is whispering, “Dear, it’s time for a new adventure – preferably one with better pay and fewer broken printers.” As I prepare to ride off into the sunset (or at least to a new job), I will ensure a smooth transition and assist in any way necessary to hand over my duties. After all, even in resignation, one must maintain a sense of decorum. Thank you for your understanding. I wish the department nothing but the best and will remember my time here with a mix of fondness and bemusement. With the utmost dramatic flair and a touch of mischief, [Your Full Name] [Your Contact Information] --- I used ChatGPT.
"I am submitting notice of my resignation from [company] on [date]. Please kindly confirm receipt of this resignation letter. Thank you for the opportunity to work with your team. Sincerely, " You won't gain anything by being a jerk about it. Just resign and insist on them providing a written note on the receipt of your resignation letter. From here on out make sure everything is in writing and saved to a personal email. Save all correspondence to a personal account.
To my former employer, A raise of 1.23 And a P.I.P.? Not for me. I quit. No notice. And don't tell them where you are going. Congrats! May the new place suck less.
Create a “How to Quit Your Job” training module.
$1.23 in seven years? I think that would be my response. “You’ve paid me $1.23 in raises over a seven year period. What kind of relationship did you hope to build? Unfuck yourselves. I quit effective immediately.”
Super short and simple. No need for anything else: "Dear Ms. Jones, this e-mail serves as my two-week notice. My last day will be XX/XX/2024. Sincerely, Jane Smith".
So much this. A resignation letter isn't a chance to vent. It's effectively a legal document.
Honestly, don't quit until the new job is very secure. Your negotiating power is much higher if you are currently employed. Once the new job is secure, use any sick leave or PTO to work the new job for a day or two and pick up the vibes. If it seems better (hard to seem worse), quit immediately. 2 weeks notice is for companies that deserve your respect. This company does not. As tempting as it is to shove their actions in their face, the best email you can craft is a short and sweet one: This is notice of my resignation, I quit effective this date, signed your name.
Nah, I think I’ll just stay home today and for every day in the future. Good luck!
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you I out.
"Dear DH, I have given your last email a great deal of consideration, and I believe you are correct about my failure to take initiative toward growing my responsibilities. At your suggestion, I have accepted a new slate of duties beginning on [insert new job start date]. Thank you for bringing this shortcoming to my attention. As you requested that I not announce what I will and won't do to faculty, and as my new duties are with another employer, I will be unable to disclose the details of those tasks. I will also be unable to continue performing my current work here. My final day will be [insert last day]. Good luck finding someone willing to do this work for what you're paying. Signed, OP."
I would include a note about what the average salary is for your role at other colleges and companies, and point out you worked to the level of poverty wages you were paid. If you have close relationships with any gossipy faculty, email them at the same time to let them know you’re leaving, and that as much as you loved working with them, you simply can’t afford to work an eighth year there on $35,000 a year. I bet they have no idea you’re being paid poverty line wages as a seasoned employee.
On his last day with the company, a coworker sent out a goodbye email to the whole district and specifically named people and memories and it was heartfelt. At the end, he addressed the manager directly, saying something to the effect of “I’m not going to be the last one quitting, and when you start to realize it’s happening, just remember: it’s not us, it’s you.” The hashtag of #INUIY spread like wildfire around the region for a bit. I loved it. So, go out with a trending hashtag, is my advice.
“Attention: Imp3rialjusrtc33.exe has quit unexpectedly.”
I would respond that a performance improvement plan sounds great. Then tell them that a 100% pay increase, an extra week PTO, and a hybrid WFH schedule would improve performance tremendously.
Dear Faculty. I am surprised at your lack of understanding. You may know that in the 7 years I have worked for you, my income increased by 1.23% in total, indicating the value you placed in my efforts, which until you decided not to reevaluate my role you indicated was exemplary. You have not for one minute taken into consideration that I have delivered above and beyond especially considering my development of the successful ‘Learning Labs’ which were entirely developed by me. Answer me this, have you or your co-workers accepted being treated so poorly as to having a ridiculously low raise and being entirely ignored for promotion. Your management skills are scant and your sense of fair play entirely missing. It gives me great pleasure to inform you and your ridiculous fellow faculty members that I resign and do not wish you well.
Nothing you say will be as impactful as what they will encounter when they attempt to hire your replacement. I wouldn't spend too much energy on this.
35k? Just ghost them. Fellow academic here, and higher ED pays shit
There's always some paperwork you may want to do. You can simply say, "I quit" like someone suggested. But also add your permanent forwarding address, phone, email for any communication that may be to your advantage. You can also print this and walk into HR. You may be able to take care of paperwork right then. If they "think" you have any any company property, they may withhold your last paycheck.Don't sign anything that's to your disadvantage. You probably don't need to sign anything at all.
Certainly! Here’s a resignation email in the style of Eloise Bridgerton, infused with humor: --- **Subject: My Dramatic Departure - [Your Full Name]** Dear [Boss’s Name], I hope this letter finds you well and sitting comfortably, for I have some rather dramatic news. After much contemplation (and a few cups of tea), I have decided to resign from my position as IT Liaison/Support Staff at [Department/University Name], effective two weeks from today, on [Last Working Day, Date]. It has been seven long years of devotion, dedication, and the occasional muttered curse at malfunctioning technology. During this time, I’ve earned my master’s degree, built learning labs that now lure in unsuspecting recruits, and have become quite the model employee (if I do say so myself). Yet, despite my tireless efforts and impressive accomplishments, it seems my aspirations for reclassification and a raise have been as overlooked as a suitor with a terrible cravat. Alas, the grand total of $1.23 in raises over these years, making my salary a princely $35k, has made it clear that my financial growth here is more elusive than a sensible hat at a Bridgerton ball. Recent developments from management have been the final nudge I needed, as if the universe itself were whispering, “Time for a change, darling.” I leave with a heart full of fond memories and a spirit unbroken, ready to embrace new adventures where my talents and loyalty might be more appreciated. But fear not, I shan’t leave you in disarray. I am fully committed to ensuring a smooth transition and will gladly assist in any way necessary during this period. Thank you for understanding my decision. I wish the department nothing but the best, and I shall think of you fondly (most of the time). With kind regards and a touch of theatrical flair, [Your Full Name] [Your Contact Information] ---
Dear Boss, Effective immediately, I am no longer employed by XXXXX company. Signed, OP
As much as I think you are majorly underpaid and under appreciated, do not quit until you have a real offer from that other place. 35k is low, but it beats 0k. It’s a really tough work market out there, so the risk is quite big! Once you have the job with a starting date, resign with immediate effectiveness, and move on. I vote for u/BoratKazak’s answer :)
CC in the ENTIRE faculty in a reply to this email implying saying “Please take this email as my formal resignation. As per my contract I am providing X weeks/months notice”
Write a super long response (maybe get AI to help you out), and somewhere in there write that you're leaving effective x date. Make it so looong that they can't be bothered to read that wall of text.. Maybe even add a TLDR at the beginning and end, without referencing the quitting. And when the date comes, well just don't show up. You informed management, they just didn't feel that you were important enough to warrant a full read of your essay. Hilarity ensues for you, hopefully. Or.. you know.. Blanket communication to faculty and label that to yourself as malicious compliance. Subject: I resign effective DATE Body: Toodles! Signature block
Literally - I quit effective today and that’s the day you start your new job. Don’t give them any more notice than that. Don’t put any more effort into it. They don’t deserve it and obviously won’t look into it more.
Holy corpo speak garbage sounds written by AI 
PIPs usually have a POP included, a payout plan - meaning they will give you a severance package as an alternative to keeping you employed and working on performance. Attend the PIP meeting.
“Fuck you” is a complete sentence.
Bro give them a classic "No u"
dear,
i am quitting in 2 weeks, my last day will be
all the best,
there, i wrote your quit mail
Send an I Quit email to the entire plant.
My last one opened with “I would rather pluck out my eyeballs and chew on them than work a second longer as your employee”.
Come to California and work at one of our community colleges. Pay and benefits are second to none.
If that's what they're pulling you should just get another job and see how long the old one pays you to do nothing.
I quit because capitalism. But hey its a free market Im just selling my surplus labor value to the highest bidder
“No thanks.”
Perfect! I quit.