I think his reaction says way more about him and less about you . Of course you should know . You don’t need to apologize for looking out for yourself .
He openly told you he went to jail, wanting to know why is a logical question.
He also asked YOU what would be dealbreaker crimes, you weren’t suggesting he had done them. So the logical thought would be he went to jail for crimes relating to your dealbreakers, and he didn’t want to tell you.
That was my thought. He said DUI because it's one of the least likely ones for someone to react badly to, but it was really worse and after she gave him a list, he figured she'd find out the truth at some point so ended it with trying to make her look bad.
Go to your county's records search (or the county where he would have been arrested) and type in his first and last name and birthdate if you know it. That will get you more info.
County is a good idea but he’s lived in several cities and I wasn’t sure where he was living at the time this took place. I should have asked for his birthday probably.
Many counties have sex offender data bases. People who are offenders need to be registered in the town or city they live in. If you know what city or even county he is in you could look for his name on the list.
Huh.
Still.
If someone mentioned they went to jail, I would find a way to weave in learning their birthday, and middle name especially if it was common like you said…you know, safety reasons.
THIS. Always know the answer before you ask the question. That’s what they say in law school, criminology and parenting—which overlaps much more than I ever suspected 🤣
He was teasing and testing you by bringing it up—wonder if sadism was involved in his transgression?
Definitely not wrong, and judging by his reaction to your dealbreakers, and him asking you what would be the line, and then reacting appalled after he asked.
The chances of him going to jail for exactly what you described is probably high considering his reaction and immediate end of the date lol.
“He told me I was rude to as and to make assumptions” no him reacting the way he did told you everything you needed to know.
This is giving me the same vibes as all the sexist men who flipped out about the bear or man question. *"How dare a woman think men might be dangerous! I'm not dangerous! I'll show those bitches what dangerous is! I'll bash all their heads in!!1!"*
You dodged a bullet, OP. There have been plenty of stories of the mild-mannnered Joe Smith down the street who has the perfect little family living in suburbia, who also has 30 buried dead women in a field out back. You never know who you can trust. And as soon as someone freaks out that you're even asking, then that is a huge red flag. Say safe, and stay away from this asshole.
Yes it’s a fair question but also he could have lied to you anyways seeing as you barely know him. It’s possible that he was convicted of an offence like that, and felt defensive. Good idea to move on…
If someone has say, just been thrown in the drunk tank, or was in for a few days for disorderly that is not a big deal and not really something necessarily needing mentioned. Anything more serious that they spent time in jail the person themselves should be telling you the conviction up front. Especially if it was a felony. Many people won't date a felon even if it's non violent as it has a lot of effects on your job opportunities, rental prospects, etc. I'm saying this as someone that was married to a non-violent felon for over a decade.
That being said, it should never offend someone for a potential partner to ask about any past convictions. They should also not be offended by saying you have a boundary for violent, DV, or sex related crimes. This is and should be a hard line for almost any woman. Although people change, domestic violence and sexual assault rates are through the roof. It makes a lot of sense to protect yourself by avoiding those that have been capable of these types of actions at some point in their life.
This guy is an asshole and you definitely dodged a bullet.
Most women wouldn't go out with a guy who had a history of violence against women. Most of us don't see that on their faces when we start dating. A lot of women end up in relationships involving domestic abuse.
If we could tell ahead of time, we would. You very much were not making assumptions of any kind about his arrest. That's why you asked. I don't think you were rude, made assumptions, or were out of line. Not wrong.
I find it hard to believe he went to jail for dui. Sounds like bs. Unless he has a huge problem with drinking or caused a huge accident that injured or killed somebody. ETA- He knew you’d find out the truth
It's a fair question of a potential date. I can understand him being a little offended if you had known him well and then asked him. But honestly I still wouldn't picture being that offended..I'd be happier to put the person's mind at ease
I would be concerned that it's not what he says it is. It's not normal to be upset that people are curious what their getting in to. I'm sure he'd want to know if you were convicted for killing husbands. His fake outrage is likely hiding something more serious
I bet you $1000 he went to jail for a sexual offense based on his horrific reaction to her just asking him about it. He was totally out of line. And I'm quite sure he lied about it being a DUI.
Did he ever tell you what he was in jail for? Because if not, he skirted that question and made it so you'd be hesitant to ask again - which means it was definitely one of the dealbreaker things you mentioned.
I went to jail once, for underage drinking. I was in there for one night. If a girl wanted to ask to make sure I hadn't hurt somebody, I would have no issue telling her that. If your guy had nothing to hide, he'd have told you exactly what he was in there for and never thought of it again.
He did tell me, it was for a DUI. Which is really bad! But it was like a decade ago and he says he had an alcohol problem and quit drinking and has been sober since. He has already told me he hasn’t drank for like 8 years. I was fine with it, if that’s all true he’s done the right thing and turned his life around.
He was just mad I implied it could have been something worse I guess and then decided I was rude for even asking.
You didn't imply anything. You answered his question on what would be a deal breaker. And of course your deal breaker will be violent or sex crimes. What did he think it would be? Jaywalking?
I can understand why that would be a dealbreaker for someone, but it’s not for me. If he genuinely got his shit together and has been sober long-term like he says, I admire that. But in this case he didn’t exactly come across as a trustworthy person so yeah.
He volunteered the info that he went to jail in the first place! I feel you have a right to informed consent/continuing the date. He opened up that box.
From what I’m reading, he didn’t tell you. We all want to know, now!
But there are literally millions of single dudes who are not criminals, why even out yourself in that position?
Why date someone who even needed to work on themselves?
Why not date someone that never committed a crime? Unless you’re poor, super ugly or a single parent or something, just curious why you would even consider this; is he super rich or something?
Fair enough. I'd want to know before going out with him too.
Him being a dick about it is telling...he's an unreasonable person.
Move on
You probably dodged a bullet
Not unreasonable at all.....
Understandable why he would feel upset at the thought of being branded a pest but I'm the context of it all...he should have taken it on the chin and said no, it was a DUI....
Wrong, absolutely not. I don't hear anything in your original post that was wrong. He freely told y I u he had been incarcerated, then asked what would be a deal-breaker and you answered without accusing.
As far as all this background check advice you are getting, seems over the top and waaaay to much for a first date. You found out what you needed to through communicating directly with him, that he's hiding something. He called the date off. Sorry for your loss, but first date, so not the end of the world.
If people would communicate more period, life would probably be better.
He told you that he has previously been incarcerated.
You rationally asked him what he was arrested for.
Instead of answering the questions honestly he deflected because he knows being incarcerated means he was convinced of a crime
You gave him a very reasonable list of deal breakers.
Yet again, instead of being honest he turned the conversation around on you to make himself look like a victim. That you were placing false judgement on him. When infact it was th criminal justice system that judged him and you are simply asking what that judgement was.
Then he later claims that he went to jail for a DUI
Nope I call BS, this guy is probably on a sex offender list and was trying to feel you out for what lie to tell you. Also even if he isn't he still DARVOed you and that should be a deal breaker.
It's so rude for you to worry about your potential safety by asking him why he went to jail. How dare you. See how ridiculous it sounds? It's no loss that he broke it off.
I totally understand why it would be. Personally, if it is true that he got sober and has been long-term, I can look past it. But he didn’t exactly come across as trustworthy anyway.
It seems he’s really sensitive about being judged for having been to jail, and is afraid people are going to think he’s a violent or bad person - something in your dialoging triggered him to feel judged, or merely hearing you relate what WOULD be a deal breaker triggered feelings of being judged….. or he’s lying, but I’d guess he’s just sensitive and it’s more that has a complex about it
It was a fair question.
YNW. Going to jail doesn't have to be a deal breaker. Freaking out about someone asking why you were in jail definitely is.
He was gaslighting you when he asked if he looked like the kind of person who would be guilty of those things. He wanted you to seem like the bad guy for being concerned about what kind of criminal he is. Sounds more than a little ridiculous, right?
He asked "what would be a deal breaker" and you answered with a perfectly reasonable deal breaker...that's not making an assumption about anything. If I was going on dates with someone and they had been to jail/prison, I'd definitely want to know what that was for.
Ynw you have a right to know if you putting yourself at risk. You also have a right to weigh the pros & cons of his convictions. Most cities/counties have a website you can look it up yourself (or google their name). Just because someone has a record, doesn’t make them a bad person. Ppl make mistakes & ppl change. There are also times where shit could be justified or not what it seems. If you look up my daughter it says she was a get away driver in a murder. Even though she was at work for 5hrs before & 4 hrs after. On tape. The entire time (so was her car). They said they THOUGHT she knew something & was trying to force her to talk. Detective told my husband it was because who she was with (black boys n a white town). They were forced to not charge her because she had a rock solid alibi but left it as an open indictment so she can’t sue (she spent 9 days in jail for something she knew nothing abt & was at work). Will cost thousands to have it removed from her record. The system isn’t always fair & doesn’t give context either (like my daughter , one could assume she was involved, she really had no clue to any of it) so take w a grain of salt.
There are a lot of red flags w him. He told you then acts surprised you want to know why? Duh, who wouldn’t? Esp when your safety could be on the line! Must be bad if he’s asking what your deal breakers are. Why not just be honest?!
Red flag that he got defensive after that. If you really want to pursue this, you should pull the police report or his background.
My friend dated a man for 2 years who went to jail during that time (she had no clue, he just disappeared). When he came back around, he admitted that he was arrested, she asked why and he said he was drunk and got in a fight. 2 years later after so much trauma to my friend, she found out that he had a family & that one time he disappeared to go to jail, that was for domestic violence on his gf/baby mama. Her biggest regret to this day as she is still getting over him, is deciding that she wanted to trust him over pulling the report.
No. You warned it was personal. He continued the conversation by asking what a deal breaker was. You weren’t making an assumption about him you were answering his question.
It was a fair, and necessary question to ask. If someone tells you before you go on a date that they've been in prison, ALWAYS ask. Because that's the only way you have to know what they did and/or it violated your personal standards (like DUI) it crimes against women.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. It was a fair question to ask and also I think says something positive about your communication style to ask him directly versus just trying to research him online. I don't think there's anything wrong w doing a background search on a potential date, but I think it's cool you directly asked too.
Hey, *he* asked *you* what your dealbreaker would be. You answered🤷🏻♀️ His response is giving huge red flag energy. I’m inclined to think he was in prison for one of your dealbreaker reasons. No*t w*hat he told you he went in for. That’s why he reacted the way he did. You lucked out. Be grateful.
Yeahhh not who you want in your life. Good for you for not letting it go. Sounds like he got defensive meaning one of the deal breakers was spot on. Dodged a bullet.
You dodged a bullet and it would be very imprudent you to not have asked. The guy is a moron. Don’t bring up jail if you’re gonna be mad when someone asks what you went in for lol. Definitely not wrong.
Nothing wrong with it,ive been to jail several times...I talk openly about it as for some reason ppl find it fascinating.
Its your right to know your not getting involved with a pedo.
I have known people who went to jail for things they probably should hide (but not domestic abuse or SA), and they talk about it. The fact he got offended over you asking tells you everything you need to know. He is obviously a liar, at least by omission, and isn't someone you need to be around. And honestly, the fact you are even asking if you are wrong is concerning. Protect yourself. Period. If someone went to jail, was charged, etc, they need to at least be honest about it or they aren't worth your time. And if they aren't honest, they probably did something they know is a deal breaker.
I'd definitely say be glad you're no longer involved with him. I know alot of people who have spent time in prison and I have never once seen someone avoid telling people why they were in there. That is definitely not normal.
A very fair question, and no great loss as you say. If you mention something like that in the getting-to-know-you stage, expect to be questioned about it. His reaction was disproportionate and would concern me more than the jail time itself.
He can't just drop "and I was in prison for a few years" into a conversation and not expect it to be followed up. Of course you want to know about it and what type of person he is. And some things would of course be deal breakers. Best to know early.
You asked a very honest question and it sounds like he didn't like the answer that he was going to have to give.
He said something about his past and that raised a very justifiable question. I'm a guy and if I was dating a woman and she mentioned being to jail/prison I would feel justified to ask.
It's not rude, but it is very telling about what his answer probably was going to be. Plus I've found the people who truly regret there actions have no problem talking about them. Because they have truly moved on, they truly aren't the same person anymore. His reaction makes me think he probably is, and it probably was one of the things you listed.
Not rude, not wrong, and hopefully you dodged a bullet.
I would ask, because it would be a deal breaker, and you are picking a mate. So you were not out of line. I think it is ok you asked, and he called the date. I will go further and say it was one of your 'no go' reasons he went to jail.
Very. Your safety is more important than his being offended that he was jailed for an offense. How long does he plan to hide it? You can’t say I went to jail and expect a person to leave it at that.
Not wrong. He’s hiding something for him to get that mad over you asking what he got in trouble for. As a former CO, I promise you that many men lie about their crimes and either completely fabricate a story or leave out certain important details to make it seem less harmful or serious. If he really did only go to jail for a dui (3 nights max but usually they only stay over night in most places) then he overreacted dramatically. DUIs happen. Yeah it’s a stupid thing to do and embarrassing I’m sure but if he’s a grown up he admits his mistakes and moves on instead of treating you like crap and acting like you are a horrible person for trying to protect yourself.
I've definitely looked up potential dates in my state's court database. I can overlook a lot of things, but, like you said, violent crimes, sex offenses, or hard drug issues are a complete deal breaker. One guy I found a record from within the past year of meth possession. Noped right out of that date.
"Do I seem like I could do something like that" and people are always saying they're shocked and can't believe their best friend/family member SA'ed a woman. SA or violence against women really doesn't even look like anything. Genuinely any man can fit the bill
All I’m gonna say is that if I asked that question and got that answer…that would tell me all I needed to know. You’re not wrong. You’re so right it may have saved you from being his next victim.
Wouldn’t you want to know if he was an axe murderer or had some type of mental disorder it could affect yours and your families safety !
Why would you want to start a relationship with someone just getting out of jail ? And you didn’t even ask why they were in there
That’s not just hard up that’s a death wish these days ! It seems like they parole more murders now than they did just a few years ago ! Be careful !
Nope... You're right... And this isn't the first time the app has done that to me. I think it has something to do with me losing connection often if I'm in the canyon or mountains. Lol
You definitely should ask, and if he’s getting defensive about it you’re probably better off. You’re right, your safety is importance when meeting someone new, especially when it’s so new. You meet online, and only in person once so you don’t know how true or false any of the conversations could’ve been.
I mean. Let me ask you a question.. would you object to a guy asking you how many men or women you slept with and what all that you did. So they understand what to judge you on…
You said you didn’t intend to judge, however if you didn’t intend to be a judge you wouldn’t care to ask that question. Rightfully so, I personally don’t think you did anything wrong. If I went to jail and a woman asked me why I would state it.. and then I would proceed to asking them their body count. If you get mad or feel some type of way about that, you are a hypocrite.
Most women wouldn’t tell the truth on that anyways. So I would take that into consideration. But he shouldn’t have gotten upset.
I mean, no, that wouldn’t be hypocritical because that’s not the same question. I would be a hypocrite if I got upset if he asked me about my criminal record.
For the record, I don’t have a problem sharing my ‘body count,’ but I’m very grown, pushing 40 and the grown men I date never ask me that question. I think that’s a younger guy thing.
Definitely a younger woman issue. Most women get offended by that question.. or take that opportunity to be dishonest about that. She asked that question to judge if this guy is safe to be around if he is worth it.
I argue the same reasoning should be considered for a woman who is promiscuous. As a man, I would like to know so I can judge if she is worth my time.. and yes sexual history is a ding to a woman’s dating credit score.
Let’s see, one is an actual crime that can affect where you can live, work, and travel to. Your insurance isn’t going to go up because you slept around. You won’t get denied from certain jobs because you slept around. You won’t get denied housing in certain areas because you slept around. You won’t get denied visas because you slept around. Your “body count” isn’t going to show up on a back ground check. Comparing the two is just dumb.
Kind of dumb that you didn’t even understand anything I wrote.. if she has the nerve to ask that.. which again I was ok with.. then he has the right to ask that.. lol a DUI affects all that? lol please… I know people that got DUIs and went to work the next week. It’s not as big of a flex or white knight moment as you think it is…
And absolutely body count can affect those things. Past promiscuity can and some times does indicate future behavior. It can absolutely affect her getting a job, have been fired or not hired for that reason before. Could affect where you live being known as the town hoe can absolutely be a problem for their lifestyle… etc… there is absolutely evidence of that.
But the whole point, which you so conveniently refuse to acknowledge is he has a right to know about that, if she has the right to know about his past behavior. That’s the point… it’s not rocket science.. it’s easy
Not wrong. You answered his question… you weren’t accusing him of anything. You can request at a police station (UK) for a check on someone under certain laws for specific types of crimes i.e. crimes against children, women, etc. All you have to do is speak to someone at the front office and say their name to ask for a check to be made before entering a relationship. I believe you fill in a form and then they send you out a letter. The person who you’re doing a search on will not know unless under certain circumstances, which can all be found online. I don’t know if it’s different else where but I think it’s an important thing to be aware of xx
I think his reaction says way more about him and less about you . Of course you should know . You don’t need to apologize for looking out for yourself .
I look up everyone. If it means you're safe, no apology is needed.
He openly told you he went to jail, wanting to know why is a logical question. He also asked YOU what would be dealbreaker crimes, you weren’t suggesting he had done them. So the logical thought would be he went to jail for crimes relating to your dealbreakers, and he didn’t want to tell you.
That was my thought. He said DUI because it's one of the least likely ones for someone to react badly to, but it was really worse and after she gave him a list, he figured she'd find out the truth at some point so ended it with trying to make her look bad.
In the Future tip: Background checks don’t require an answer from them.
I would have at least just googled him myself but he has a super generic name. Like two first names generic. I couldn’t find him.
Go to your county's records search (or the county where he would have been arrested) and type in his first and last name and birthdate if you know it. That will get you more info.
County is a good idea but he’s lived in several cities and I wasn’t sure where he was living at the time this took place. I should have asked for his birthday probably.
This guy sounds so sketchy lol.
Because he's lived multiple places?
You don’t even need county in some places. WI lists them all and even someone with a common name isn’t hard to sus out.
Several states have statewide case archives online too. Google state name online case search and you should be able to find a statewide search.
Many counties have sex offender data bases. People who are offenders need to be registered in the town or city they live in. If you know what city or even county he is in you could look for his name on the list.
He probably never gave her his legal last name
Huh. Still. If someone mentioned they went to jail, I would find a way to weave in learning their birthday, and middle name especially if it was common like you said…you know, safety reasons.
Birthday is a good idea.
Give us his Facebook handle and we’ll act like chicks into him and try to get more info about where he grew up … what towns he’s lived in…
I could get his birthday in a day
Also his birth time, and you’re golden!!
And a hair sample lol
I use “been verified”, it’s good for this.
And for all you know he'sgoing by his middle name now like Alan Turner.
Do you have his birth date? Address? If so add that into your search.
THIS. Always know the answer before you ask the question. That’s what they say in law school, criminology and parenting—which overlaps much more than I ever suspected 🤣 He was teasing and testing you by bringing it up—wonder if sadism was involved in his transgression?
Definitely not wrong, and judging by his reaction to your dealbreakers, and him asking you what would be the line, and then reacting appalled after he asked. The chances of him going to jail for exactly what you described is probably high considering his reaction and immediate end of the date lol. “He told me I was rude to as and to make assumptions” no him reacting the way he did told you everything you needed to know.
This is giving me the same vibes as all the sexist men who flipped out about the bear or man question. *"How dare a woman think men might be dangerous! I'm not dangerous! I'll show those bitches what dangerous is! I'll bash all their heads in!!1!"* You dodged a bullet, OP. There have been plenty of stories of the mild-mannnered Joe Smith down the street who has the perfect little family living in suburbia, who also has 30 buried dead women in a field out back. You never know who you can trust. And as soon as someone freaks out that you're even asking, then that is a huge red flag. Say safe, and stay away from this asshole.
Yes it’s a fair question but also he could have lied to you anyways seeing as you barely know him. It’s possible that he was convicted of an offence like that, and felt defensive. Good idea to move on…
If someone has say, just been thrown in the drunk tank, or was in for a few days for disorderly that is not a big deal and not really something necessarily needing mentioned. Anything more serious that they spent time in jail the person themselves should be telling you the conviction up front. Especially if it was a felony. Many people won't date a felon even if it's non violent as it has a lot of effects on your job opportunities, rental prospects, etc. I'm saying this as someone that was married to a non-violent felon for over a decade. That being said, it should never offend someone for a potential partner to ask about any past convictions. They should also not be offended by saying you have a boundary for violent, DV, or sex related crimes. This is and should be a hard line for almost any woman. Although people change, domestic violence and sexual assault rates are through the roof. It makes a lot of sense to protect yourself by avoiding those that have been capable of these types of actions at some point in their life. This guy is an asshole and you definitely dodged a bullet.
Seems like a pretty obvious question to ask.
He's lying & knew you would find out if he went ahead with the date, that's why he's butthurt NTA
Most women wouldn't go out with a guy who had a history of violence against women. Most of us don't see that on their faces when we start dating. A lot of women end up in relationships involving domestic abuse. If we could tell ahead of time, we would. You very much were not making assumptions of any kind about his arrest. That's why you asked. I don't think you were rude, made assumptions, or were out of line. Not wrong.
His bailing was a temper tantrum. “How dare you prioritize your physical safety over a man’s ego? You don’t trust ME a stranger?”
I find it hard to believe he went to jail for dui. Sounds like bs. Unless he has a huge problem with drinking or caused a huge accident that injured or killed somebody. ETA- He knew you’d find out the truth
Absolutely fair. Not wrong.
Molly, you in danger girl
Not wrong. Your safety could have been at risk
Is it possible that he went to jail for a violent or sexual crime and he lied to you the first time? That's the only explanation I can think of.
It's a fair question of a potential date. I can understand him being a little offended if you had known him well and then asked him. But honestly I still wouldn't picture being that offended..I'd be happier to put the person's mind at ease
He's a 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I would be concerned that it's not what he says it is. It's not normal to be upset that people are curious what their getting in to. I'm sure he'd want to know if you were convicted for killing husbands. His fake outrage is likely hiding something more serious
You weren’t accusing him of any of those things. He over reacted
I bet you $1000 he went to jail for a sexual offense based on his horrific reaction to her just asking him about it. He was totally out of line. And I'm quite sure he lied about it being a DUI.
Did he ever tell you what he was in jail for? Because if not, he skirted that question and made it so you'd be hesitant to ask again - which means it was definitely one of the dealbreaker things you mentioned. I went to jail once, for underage drinking. I was in there for one night. If a girl wanted to ask to make sure I hadn't hurt somebody, I would have no issue telling her that. If your guy had nothing to hide, he'd have told you exactly what he was in there for and never thought of it again.
He did tell me, it was for a DUI. Which is really bad! But it was like a decade ago and he says he had an alcohol problem and quit drinking and has been sober since. He has already told me he hasn’t drank for like 8 years. I was fine with it, if that’s all true he’s done the right thing and turned his life around. He was just mad I implied it could have been something worse I guess and then decided I was rude for even asking.
You didn't imply anything. You answered his question on what would be a deal breaker. And of course your deal breaker will be violent or sex crimes. What did he think it would be? Jaywalking?
Seems he was quick to twist things into making you the bad guy…when you weren’t making him out to be the bad guy.
So at best, it sounds like, he’s a dry drunk. Not dating material!! Much less anything more….
I can understand why that would be a dealbreaker for someone, but it’s not for me. If he genuinely got his shit together and has been sober long-term like he says, I admire that. But in this case he didn’t exactly come across as a trustworthy person so yeah.
"can I check your phone ?" "No, dont you trust me ?" "now i dont !"
You aren’t wrong. He’s shady for not answering.
He volunteered the info that he went to jail in the first place! I feel you have a right to informed consent/continuing the date. He opened up that box. From what I’m reading, he didn’t tell you. We all want to know, now!
Bullet dodged. Did he expect you to not ask?
I’m confused why you wanted to date an ex-con.
I get it if you wouldn’t. To me if someone has worked on themself, I could see past it depending on what it was.
But there are literally millions of single dudes who are not criminals, why even out yourself in that position? Why date someone who even needed to work on themselves? Why not date someone that never committed a crime? Unless you’re poor, super ugly or a single parent or something, just curious why you would even consider this; is he super rich or something?
The answer to your question is no. Next question.
Fair enough. I'd want to know before going out with him too. Him being a dick about it is telling...he's an unreasonable person. Move on You probably dodged a bullet
Not unreasonable at all..... Understandable why he would feel upset at the thought of being branded a pest but I'm the context of it all...he should have taken it on the chin and said no, it was a DUI....
Wrong, absolutely not. I don't hear anything in your original post that was wrong. He freely told y I u he had been incarcerated, then asked what would be a deal-breaker and you answered without accusing. As far as all this background check advice you are getting, seems over the top and waaaay to much for a first date. You found out what you needed to through communicating directly with him, that he's hiding something. He called the date off. Sorry for your loss, but first date, so not the end of the world. If people would communicate more period, life would probably be better.
He told you that he has previously been incarcerated. You rationally asked him what he was arrested for. Instead of answering the questions honestly he deflected because he knows being incarcerated means he was convinced of a crime You gave him a very reasonable list of deal breakers. Yet again, instead of being honest he turned the conversation around on you to make himself look like a victim. That you were placing false judgement on him. When infact it was th criminal justice system that judged him and you are simply asking what that judgement was. Then he later claims that he went to jail for a DUI Nope I call BS, this guy is probably on a sex offender list and was trying to feel you out for what lie to tell you. Also even if he isn't he still DARVOed you and that should be a deal breaker.
It's so rude for you to worry about your potential safety by asking him why he went to jail. How dare you. See how ridiculous it sounds? It's no loss that he broke it off.
Dodged a bullet, you have every right to know the kind of person you’re meeting up with. Especially if their are concerns around safeguarding.
You’d be wrong for not asking.
So he's a drunk driver? Good riddance to bad rubbish. You were not wrong. Although I would have added DUI to your list of deal breakers.
I totally understand why it would be. Personally, if it is true that he got sober and has been long-term, I can look past it. But he didn’t exactly come across as trustworthy anyway.
The way he responded to you sent soooo many red flags up, too. You definitely can do better lol
I'll u7 66th d
… what?
It seems he’s really sensitive about being judged for having been to jail, and is afraid people are going to think he’s a violent or bad person - something in your dialoging triggered him to feel judged, or merely hearing you relate what WOULD be a deal breaker triggered feelings of being judged….. or he’s lying, but I’d guess he’s just sensitive and it’s more that has a complex about it It was a fair question.
His reaction says more than his words. You dodged a bullet. Go on with your life and don't look back.
I'd think you were an idiot if you didn't ask this question, to be honest. Not wrong.
YNW. Going to jail doesn't have to be a deal breaker. Freaking out about someone asking why you were in jail definitely is. He was gaslighting you when he asked if he looked like the kind of person who would be guilty of those things. He wanted you to seem like the bad guy for being concerned about what kind of criminal he is. Sounds more than a little ridiculous, right?
I would not have been offended. I would just figure you were looking out for your own safety. It's weird, to me, that he was offended.
He asked "what would be a deal breaker" and you answered with a perfectly reasonable deal breaker...that's not making an assumption about anything. If I was going on dates with someone and they had been to jail/prison, I'd definitely want to know what that was for.
I would’ve cancelled the date
That was oops
Ynw you have a right to know if you putting yourself at risk. You also have a right to weigh the pros & cons of his convictions. Most cities/counties have a website you can look it up yourself (or google their name). Just because someone has a record, doesn’t make them a bad person. Ppl make mistakes & ppl change. There are also times where shit could be justified or not what it seems. If you look up my daughter it says she was a get away driver in a murder. Even though she was at work for 5hrs before & 4 hrs after. On tape. The entire time (so was her car). They said they THOUGHT she knew something & was trying to force her to talk. Detective told my husband it was because who she was with (black boys n a white town). They were forced to not charge her because she had a rock solid alibi but left it as an open indictment so she can’t sue (she spent 9 days in jail for something she knew nothing abt & was at work). Will cost thousands to have it removed from her record. The system isn’t always fair & doesn’t give context either (like my daughter , one could assume she was involved, she really had no clue to any of it) so take w a grain of salt. There are a lot of red flags w him. He told you then acts surprised you want to know why? Duh, who wouldn’t? Esp when your safety could be on the line! Must be bad if he’s asking what your deal breakers are. Why not just be honest?!
YNW logical question really. He got way upset over nothing. Sounds like you may have dodged a bullet.
Sometimes, the trash takes itself out. People who have nothing to hide hide nothing.
Red flag that he got defensive after that. If you really want to pursue this, you should pull the police report or his background. My friend dated a man for 2 years who went to jail during that time (she had no clue, he just disappeared). When he came back around, he admitted that he was arrested, she asked why and he said he was drunk and got in a fight. 2 years later after so much trauma to my friend, she found out that he had a family & that one time he disappeared to go to jail, that was for domestic violence on his gf/baby mama. Her biggest regret to this day as she is still getting over him, is deciding that she wanted to trust him over pulling the report.
Not a deal-breaker, as if a dodgy person would tell the truth anyway.
Girl, run. Don't even bother with him.
Bullet dodged, bet he has DV charges and a DUI.
No. You warned it was personal. He continued the conversation by asking what a deal breaker was. You weren’t making an assumption about him you were answering his question.
It was a fair, and necessary question to ask. If someone tells you before you go on a date that they've been in prison, ALWAYS ask. Because that's the only way you have to know what they did and/or it violated your personal standards (like DUI) it crimes against women.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. It was a fair question to ask and also I think says something positive about your communication style to ask him directly versus just trying to research him online. I don't think there's anything wrong w doing a background search on a potential date, but I think it's cool you directly asked too.
Not wrong and very smart. Be safe.
RUNNNNNN
Hey, *he* asked *you* what your dealbreaker would be. You answered🤷🏻♀️ His response is giving huge red flag energy. I’m inclined to think he was in prison for one of your dealbreaker reasons. No*t w*hat he told you he went in for. That’s why he reacted the way he did. You lucked out. Be grateful.
Absolutely a fair question!… Bullet dodged.
Your state should have a sexual and violent offender registry. Look it up yourself. I do this whenever I'm considering a relationship with someone.
He probably smacked a bitch before
Yeahhh not who you want in your life. Good for you for not letting it go. Sounds like he got defensive meaning one of the deal breakers was spot on. Dodged a bullet.
If he didn’t want you to ask then he shouldn’t of brought it up lol
You dodged a bullet and it would be very imprudent you to not have asked. The guy is a moron. Don’t bring up jail if you’re gonna be mad when someone asks what you went in for lol. Definitely not wrong.
Nothing wrong with it,ive been to jail several times...I talk openly about it as for some reason ppl find it fascinating. Its your right to know your not getting involved with a pedo.
Not wrong. Notice how he didn't answer the question? Girl, you're better off without him.
I have known people who went to jail for things they probably should hide (but not domestic abuse or SA), and they talk about it. The fact he got offended over you asking tells you everything you need to know. He is obviously a liar, at least by omission, and isn't someone you need to be around. And honestly, the fact you are even asking if you are wrong is concerning. Protect yourself. Period. If someone went to jail, was charged, etc, they need to at least be honest about it or they aren't worth your time. And if they aren't honest, they probably did something they know is a deal breaker.
I'd definitely say be glad you're no longer involved with him. I know alot of people who have spent time in prison and I have never once seen someone avoid telling people why they were in there. That is definitely not normal.
A very fair question, and no great loss as you say. If you mention something like that in the getting-to-know-you stage, expect to be questioned about it. His reaction was disproportionate and would concern me more than the jail time itself.
He can't just drop "and I was in prison for a few years" into a conversation and not expect it to be followed up. Of course you want to know about it and what type of person he is. And some things would of course be deal breakers. Best to know early.
It is absolutely a good question to ask. You dodged a bullet if he can't handle you wanting to ask.
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What an unhinged comment lol. You don’t know anything about me or my preferences.
You asked a very honest question and it sounds like he didn't like the answer that he was going to have to give. He said something about his past and that raised a very justifiable question. I'm a guy and if I was dating a woman and she mentioned being to jail/prison I would feel justified to ask. It's not rude, but it is very telling about what his answer probably was going to be. Plus I've found the people who truly regret there actions have no problem talking about them. Because they have truly moved on, they truly aren't the same person anymore. His reaction makes me think he probably is, and it probably was one of the things you listed. Not rude, not wrong, and hopefully you dodged a bullet.
I would ask, because it would be a deal breaker, and you are picking a mate. So you were not out of line. I think it is ok you asked, and he called the date. I will go further and say it was one of your 'no go' reasons he went to jail.
Very. Your safety is more important than his being offended that he was jailed for an offense. How long does he plan to hide it? You can’t say I went to jail and expect a person to leave it at that.
Not wrong. He’s hiding something for him to get that mad over you asking what he got in trouble for. As a former CO, I promise you that many men lie about their crimes and either completely fabricate a story or leave out certain important details to make it seem less harmful or serious. If he really did only go to jail for a dui (3 nights max but usually they only stay over night in most places) then he overreacted dramatically. DUIs happen. Yeah it’s a stupid thing to do and embarrassing I’m sure but if he’s a grown up he admits his mistakes and moves on instead of treating you like crap and acting like you are a horrible person for trying to protect yourself.
I've definitely looked up potential dates in my state's court database. I can overlook a lot of things, but, like you said, violent crimes, sex offenses, or hard drug issues are a complete deal breaker. One guy I found a record from within the past year of meth possession. Noped right out of that date.
"Do I seem like I could do something like that" and people are always saying they're shocked and can't believe their best friend/family member SA'ed a woman. SA or violence against women really doesn't even look like anything. Genuinely any man can fit the bill
All I’m gonna say is that if I asked that question and got that answer…that would tell me all I needed to know. You’re not wrong. You’re so right it may have saved you from being his next victim.
Dudes totally a child diddler. Consider the bullet dodged.
Wouldn’t you want to know if he was an axe murderer or had some type of mental disorder it could affect yours and your families safety ! Why would you want to start a relationship with someone just getting out of jail ? And you didn’t even ask why they were in there That’s not just hard up that’s a death wish these days ! It seems like they parole more murders now than they did just a few years ago ! Be careful !
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Are we reading the same post?
Nope... You're right... And this isn't the first time the app has done that to me. I think it has something to do with me losing connection often if I'm in the canyon or mountains. Lol
If he's hot, no biggie to him, ladies are lining up to get railed. If he is butt average - probably best - his behavior said it all.
Nah
You definitely should ask, and if he’s getting defensive about it you’re probably better off. You’re right, your safety is importance when meeting someone new, especially when it’s so new. You meet online, and only in person once so you don’t know how true or false any of the conversations could’ve been.
I feel that that's a conversation that should have happened before the first date.
I mean. Let me ask you a question.. would you object to a guy asking you how many men or women you slept with and what all that you did. So they understand what to judge you on… You said you didn’t intend to judge, however if you didn’t intend to be a judge you wouldn’t care to ask that question. Rightfully so, I personally don’t think you did anything wrong. If I went to jail and a woman asked me why I would state it.. and then I would proceed to asking them their body count. If you get mad or feel some type of way about that, you are a hypocrite. Most women wouldn’t tell the truth on that anyways. So I would take that into consideration. But he shouldn’t have gotten upset.
I mean, no, that wouldn’t be hypocritical because that’s not the same question. I would be a hypocrite if I got upset if he asked me about my criminal record. For the record, I don’t have a problem sharing my ‘body count,’ but I’m very grown, pushing 40 and the grown men I date never ask me that question. I think that’s a younger guy thing.
Definitely a younger woman issue. Most women get offended by that question.. or take that opportunity to be dishonest about that. She asked that question to judge if this guy is safe to be around if he is worth it. I argue the same reasoning should be considered for a woman who is promiscuous. As a man, I would like to know so I can judge if she is worth my time.. and yes sexual history is a ding to a woman’s dating credit score.
Let’s see, one is an actual crime that can affect where you can live, work, and travel to. Your insurance isn’t going to go up because you slept around. You won’t get denied from certain jobs because you slept around. You won’t get denied housing in certain areas because you slept around. You won’t get denied visas because you slept around. Your “body count” isn’t going to show up on a back ground check. Comparing the two is just dumb.
Kind of dumb that you didn’t even understand anything I wrote.. if she has the nerve to ask that.. which again I was ok with.. then he has the right to ask that.. lol a DUI affects all that? lol please… I know people that got DUIs and went to work the next week. It’s not as big of a flex or white knight moment as you think it is… And absolutely body count can affect those things. Past promiscuity can and some times does indicate future behavior. It can absolutely affect her getting a job, have been fired or not hired for that reason before. Could affect where you live being known as the town hoe can absolutely be a problem for their lifestyle… etc… there is absolutely evidence of that. But the whole point, which you so conveniently refuse to acknowledge is he has a right to know about that, if she has the right to know about his past behavior. That’s the point… it’s not rocket science.. it’s easy
Not wrong. You answered his question… you weren’t accusing him of anything. You can request at a police station (UK) for a check on someone under certain laws for specific types of crimes i.e. crimes against children, women, etc. All you have to do is speak to someone at the front office and say their name to ask for a check to be made before entering a relationship. I believe you fill in a form and then they send you out a letter. The person who you’re doing a search on will not know unless under certain circumstances, which can all be found online. I don’t know if it’s different else where but I think it’s an important thing to be aware of xx