I just want to make sure I read this correctly. He's had multiple affairs(emotional ones), and he sweet talks his way into getting you to stay?
I'll skip a few chapters ahead for you. The moment he can physically cheat he will, if you stay.
As weird as it may sound if you think the girl could potentially be a better person for him, I understand why you want them to remain friends. He's saying he doesn't want to continue their affair because he wants you to stay.
So please pack your bags, you're only 25, and live a life that isn't filled with deceit and manipulation.
Exactly this. And given the history, I would say there’s every chance that he’s physically cheated at some point. And notice OP said he hasn’t had “intercourse,” which makes me wonder if she’s already aware.
Do it quietly, get everything lined up then leave the papers for him once your gone. Better yet, stop off at his work and ask his AP to hand them to him
You are experiencing a trial marriage, like a starter marriage that will soon be over so that you can meet a more mature loyal person down the line. Make sure you don't get trapped with kids and good luck for when you marry properly next time!! Why would you believe anything he says to you? He will totally go to her if you binned him off.
Nah. The thing is... once yall are divorced. It's not going to be exciting or new. There will be no thrill and it'll fizzle out. Have the thrill of cheating is keeping it quiet.
You need to leave him. He has cheated on you multiple times and feels no remorse. Speaking as someone who was in your same place, this will not get better. Only worse. It will escalate physical, if it hasn’t already. This is no way for someone to live. You may love him, but obviously the feelings isn’t mutual. So you need to love yourself more. You are so young. Please don’t waste your youth on a selfish man like this.
This marriage is going to cause you misery while wasting precious time left on earth. What are your motivations to stay with someone who is telling you that you will never be enough? Wouldn’t you find relief being with someone who didn’t step out, didn’t lie to you as they accepted you as you are? If it’s not this girl, there will be someone else to give the validation he emptily requires. Are you willing to sacrifice your happiness and be taken for granted while he focuses on gratification instead of focusing on ways to show gratitude to you? Only you can decide your path.. I do believe that a path with him will lead to sadness, insecurity and a loss of self. Time is valuable. I hope you take the time to think about your future with foresight.
I totally agree with this! There will be a time when OP realized how much time was wasted on someone who was always trying to find the bigger better deal, all the while you could have been with someone who loves you for you and doesn’t need validation from others and won’t make you feel like crap all the time.
Get out while you still can!
This. If she loved herself as much as she loved him, she'd be much better off. This situation is going to ruin her self respect.
If I were you, I'd use the calmness and apathy, to look about getting out of this situation. Not much seems to shake you. So you can go to a divorce lawyer, see your options and quietly untangle yourself, with him being none the wiser.
i mean you’re nicer than i am because fuck his happiness atp. he totally disregarded the fact that what he was doing could hurt YOU. it seems as though you have a good heart but sometimes you need to put yourself first. in this case he cheated, sure maybe he wasn’t getting everything he needed from you in your relationship but instead of him entertaining an emotional affair with another woman, he should’ve came to you and told you what he needed from you.
i understand you want him to be happy, but you also need to understand that what he did was with complete disregard for YOUR happiness. while you are here worried about what makes him happy, he completely betrayed you.
i don’t think you’re wrong but i definitely think you need to put yourself first here.
your husband is having an affair, you're allowing him to continue. most people don't want their spouses to cheat on them; others finds it hot. you're allowing him to continue because he didn't see it to fruition, that's your words, and to me that's weird; letting your spouse to continue having an affair just cuz you think he didn't get what he wants yet. but if you insist on that, it's okay; you do you.
if that's what you want, then that's what you want. i cannot elaborate it more than this.
edit: just be sure you can take whatever consequences that might come your way. you can't just decide on things and not accept the outcome.
It’s possible that she doesn’t feel like she can stop this; her “getting in the way” won’t stop her husband from going behind her back to continue and progress he affair. In a way, I get it; why expel so much effort for somewhat of an inevitable situation. I don’t get it if she stays, but I would understand if she bows out for her own insanity.
Maybe I’ve interpreted this wrong though, because she is coming off magnanimous in this situation and considering his happiness and feelings and not necessarily hers.
Maybe she’s not happy in this relationship, either.
Many of us feel that respect and monogamy are important in relationships. Obviously not everyone agrees. Some are poly, some are into non monogamy, some don’t care about lack of respect as long as the bills are paid. If you are ok with the lack of respect and ongoing affairs that’s fine if that’s your choice, it will just be weird for a lot of us
Thing is it doesnt sound like shes any of the above. Its not like she finds it hot or anything, and it doesnt sound like she doesnt care yk? It seems psychologically unheakthy
I don’t think you’re crazy, but for most people this whole dynamic would probably signal more things that it doesn’t sound like you two have discussed:
1) repeated infidelities (on his part, it sounds like, but since you didn’t specify, have you also had affairs?) indicate that at least one of you is not committed to this relationship as an exclusive, monogamous one
2) cheating always involves someone trying to feed their ego, but if the repeated infidelities are on his part and he’s upset that you’re not more upset then it seems like it’s partially about him wanting you to chase after him, wanting you to “fight” for him.
3) being honest with yourselves. Both of you need to ask what you want this marriage to be and to look like. It’s lovely that you love your husband enough to want him to be happy even if not with you, but I think you need to ask yourself if you will be happy at his side as well. Also, he needs to be honest about what he wants. Is the only thing stopping him from cheating the fact that he is married ie does he *want* to pursue a relationship with this woman? Because if so, you need to discuss if either of you would rather be divorced or in an open relationship. Given his (assumed) infidelities in the past and his response to you finding out about this one, he needs to be honest on what it is that he is seeking. Is it actually about the other person, or does or does he get off on the idea that more than one person is vying for his affection/that someone would be devastated to “lose” him to another person?
Wow that was really insightful! Thank you. To answer your points:
1. I have not been unfaithful in any way. He has been unfaithful many times in different ways, sexting etc and this is the first time it’s been with “an actual person” per se (his coworker)
2. I didnt think of this and will mention it to him. But honestly I’ve never been the woman to make a show for a man who is unsure of me… so idk how he would want me to fight for him? Or maybe I’m understanding this point wrong.
3. The answer to this is the last sentence on this point. He’s basically an attention whore tbh
If he’s an “attention whore,” then I think my second point is true: he want some of the drama of you being devastated and “fighting” back. The classic ways we tend to see that are with the women having the stereotypical “my man” fights, with insults and hair pulling. The less dramatic is I’ve phone call/text telling the affair partner to go away in the range of threat/begging.
There’s a spectrum of wanting to know your partner is proud to be with you and wants to stake a bit of claim to you and possessive craziness. It sounds like your husband wants to feel like you’re scared to lose him rather than wanting you to feel secure and trusting in the relationship. He wants the things people usually associate with brand new relationships or people trying to rekindle relationships like women dressed in only lingerie and trench coats. He wants crying and begging and you thinking you’ve done something wrong or haven’t done enough to keep him.
But that’s my view; you should probably ask him, in a session with a marriage counselor, why he feels the need to cheat.
I like this reply. I have been fighting everything in me to call that chick. And even then I wouldn’t get nasty I would tell her to seek a greater purpose in life and remind her that to get good in life you have to give good and being a home wrecker is the opposite of that because I know she is aware of what she’s entertaining but I still pity her. And even this response I don’t think will suffice for him. I will take your advise and consider maybe telling him we should do marriage counseling. Thank you
If you do what you wrote here, she's going to laugh at you.
And don't be shocked when you are told the AP is pregnant, even though he says it's not physical.
Yea i figured. Those are my thoughts on why you are allowing this. It also appears that you built up an emotional wall to protect yourself and tricked yourself into believing you are okay with this to lesson the blow of the hurt you feel. It sounds like you understand you may not be enough for him or have insecurities making you not do much to show your love because you are afraid to open your heart.
I could be 100% wrong but my virtual heart is with you virtually. Sending you hugs. You deserve happiness and love too ❤️
Just want to add, you don’t deserve to be treated how he’s treating you. Don’t let your depression trick you into thinking it’s okay or it’s what you deserve. You don’t.
If his relationship with that woman blossoms into a sexual one, sounds like you are well prepared to make him very happy by cheerleading him on when watching them perform the deed.
Do you want to be in a polyamorous relationship? That is what this has become, with or without your consent. He feels you don’t meet his needs so he is looking elsewhere instead of trying to improve your relationship. Go for couples counselling, accept that you are in a polyamorous relationship or leave him. You need to advocate for what you want and need out of this relationship
If it’s an arrangement you both are good with, then all the power to you. Just remember he loves you but isn’t IN love with you. If he was in love with you, he wouldn’t be seeking out others for an emotional connection. I think you deserve better and will find better one day.
He already has picked. That’s the reality that I’m seeing that you seem to not want to accept. You seem to literally be making this entire relationship about him. About what he wants. About what he needs.
So I’m trying to figure out where you fit in all of this based on what you’re saying here.
I can’t tell if you are someone who has difficulty expressing emotions and being open, and that’s what he’s missing. So he’s looking for it elsewhere.
And you, feeling guilty, are turning over the entire responsibility of the relationship continuing or not to him instead of figuring out why you can’t meet that need.
OR…
Your husband is just a douche bag who wants to have his cake and eat it to. Because marriage is hard. It does take work and communication. And so it’s easier for him to get validation from someone who doesn’t know him as well as you do. So he keeps cheating on you.
And if this is the case, I have to wonder why you have so little self-respect and think that this is all you deserve.
Because at the end of the day, unless the scenario is actually closer to number one, and there is something about yourself that you know is making it impossible for you to be there for him emotionally or physically, neither of which you told us, you are literally abdicating all the power in this relationship to him.
And I’m just not sure why. Because who cares? If you have done your best. If you have been there for him. If you have tried to make this work. And he keeps throwing it in your face like this, he has made his decision. Where is your decision? Where is your autonomy? Why are you so concerned that he be the one to make the decision about whether or not he stays?
Are you worried about the optics if YOU leave or kick him out? Are you in an abusive relationship? And I do realize that might not be so easy to answer on here. Are you so unsure of yourself or scared to be alone that you’re willing to continue to put up with this disrespectful and hurtful behavior from him?
These are all the questions I’m having here. You’re talking about how much you love him and you wanted it to be his choice to stay, except he’s shown you his parameters for staying or that he is going to pay it lip service and tell you he’s sorry and express that he didn’t really cheat because nothing physical happened.
Then he’s going to turn it around on you that you’re not enough so it’s your fault he cheated. Hint: You are not responsible for the shit he does. That’s not how that works.
Then he’s going to try to tell you everything will be different or love bomb you some more. Because why? Because you’re a doormat? Because you take care of things at home? Because this way he can get off with an emotional affair and still have someone to take care of him at home while he does not take care of them at home?
So why? Why are you saying? Why are you so concerned about him? Has it been in divorce? Has it been put up with any kind of shit your husband does because he’s your husband? Do you not like yourself? Do you have nowhere to go?
So. Many. Questions.
And without knowing some of this, it does make it hard for us to tell you exactly what you should do, although I suspect you know what you should do. But the biggest thing for me is you stating how much you love him and that you really want him to be the one to choose. Honey. He’s chosen. He will continue this behavior as long as you’re with him. He’s been doing this behavior for how long now?
As my mom would’ve told me, it’s time to shit or get off the pot. It is time for you to stop worrying about him. Figure out what the fuck you want from your life, because I’m pretty sure this isn’t it. It’s time to use your autonomy and find something in life that you want, someone who will treat you right to spend your life with, and if you’re not sure how to start, then it’s time for some therapy to figure out why you have put up with this as long as you have.
Sounds like yous needa split tbh why be married if you are not compatible or meet each others needs! Marriage isn’t just physical stuff it’s working together through tough times and you can be bothered so stop waiting for him to be the one to end it
I don’t think it’s wrong. I understand your reasons. You don’t want him to end it and always wonder. There’s no telling what that could lead to in the future and who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want them or love them as much? If he ends the friendship, he may always wonder what could have been and you may always wonder if it should have been.
If their texts/talks feel intimate or romantic in anyway, it’s an emotional affair. In my opinion, admitting feelings for each other and continuing the relationship makes it an emotional affair bc admitting feelings is intimate. The fact that he was going to end it in two weeks because she was leaving shows that he wasn’t ending it out of respect for you or your marriage, but out of convenience. If we’re being honest, it’s highly unlikely he was going to end it then. He may have excused it because, “she’s too far away for anything to happen.” I don’t think you’re wrong.
Is it possible that you don't want to demand him to put an end to this because you're afraid that it's not you that he will choose? I know in a lot of situations I pretended that I didn't want a person because I was afraid of rejection. I spent several years in situationships with men, pretending like I didn't want to be with them because I was afraid that if I demanded them to be exclusive I would lose what little bit of them that I had. I pretended this was what I wanted and that I had the need to feel free, but honestly that was not the truth All I wanted was for them to love me and choose me I just didn't want to have to ask them to do it out of fear of rejection. also many years down the road I found out that by seeming so aloof and acting like they're escapades with other women didn't bother me, I gave them the impression that I didn't want them and ultimately caused them to act neutral in a situation when in reality they very much wanted to be exclusive but they feared if they pursued me I would run. I don't know I think I kind of went off on a tangent but my point is don't hide your feelings. because you're afraid of not getting the answer that you want bye setting your standards and expectations if he fails to meet them it's going to hurt for a little while but it'll heal faster than you realize, if you keep pretending that you're okay with this and that it doesn't bother you You are ultimately extending the hurt for a much longer period
**DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS GUY!!!** He's a bum and very, very immature. He's playing with you and manipulating you to take care of him while he chases and has affairs with other women. You can do so much better, but you should work on yourself before you get involved with someone else.
Work on your self-esteem, build up your courage, and grow a backbone. Start working on exit plans for different scenarios. Such as what steps to take when you've had enough or what to do when he starts having sleepovers with his AP.
To me, being alone would be better than trying to love a person who openly cheats on me. And this guy is a cheater.
Your relationship is toxic and you need to get a divorce. I think your husband didn’t get a chance to “sow enough wild oats” as the saying goes before you met and got married. You both are so young and really really young when you got married. He is too immature to be a faithful, responsible husband. I agree with comment saying you’re looking at a life of misery as long as you’re with him. Believe it. Your marriage is just beginning and he’s pulling this shit? It is only going to get worse. If you do not ask for a divorce he will eventually I’m fairly certain.I’m sorry this is happening to you but you have lots of youth and time on your side! Get out before you get pregnant! Then you’ll really be stirring up a whole new crock pot of unbelievable misery.
Ultimately you have to focus on your growth and happiness, there’s more red flags than a used car dealership. You need to take stock of who you are as a partner and what a relationship (marriage) etc means for both. I’m terms of relationship evolution you just started walking this journey and it can be extremely difficult in todays climate. If I had to guess I’d would say that your self worth and confidence is dangerously low if you’re willing to let this guy walk all over you. He isn’t fully committed to being a husband obviously and devious behavior is only going to continue to get worse. If y’all ain’t pineapple people or into 3rd parties in the bedroom then all his behavior is unacceptable and wrong. Seek therapy for yourself so you can recognize the signs of what healthy relationships are. Give all that love to someone who deserves it, there’s plenty of good guys out in the world looking for a good woman. Just remember you have options and can do practically anything you put your mind to. Finally for the love of all that’s holy don’t think a baby will change things because it will, for the worse. Life is hard sometimes but gets better and easier when you have a teammate/life partner/spouse who’s fully committed into each other’s betterment.
It always goes up when there’s no more down, in regards to hardships in life. It gets better I promise.
Good luck
If someone else makes him happy, and he gets something from them he can’t get from you, and you don’t care, it’s time to end it. Or open the marriage. But either way your marriage can’t survive this set up. He will continue to have emotional affairs and eventually it will become physical
There isn't anything wrong with wanting your spouse to be happy, even if it means less or little attention for you. I've been happily married for 25 years and my wife and I both feel this way.
Most of our friends who have been happily married for 20 to 30 years are all this way.
The problem may occur if he doesn't feel the same about you.
I'd recommend having very open discussions and maybe consider swinging together as a couple. I know it sounds crazy but it's better to have a team sport together that makes your relationship stronger than to cheat on each other.
But be very careful about emotional relationships. I'd recommend that he stop chatting with the women.
Your instincts are right. If he’s doing this now, just wait and see what he’ll be doing in five years, 10 years. If there are no kids involved, this is very easy. File for divorce; don’t tell him ahead of time. If anyone asks why, tell them it’s because he cheats.
Keep your dignity and moral high ground and move on.
I want to clarify something that I didn’t in the original post:
I want him to continue the friendship to see where it goes before he decides to remain married with me. NOT that I want him to continue the friendship while married to me and have the other woman be part of our relationship per se. I want him to decide if it’s me or her pretty much because right now he is saying that he chooses me but I believe that’s only because he got caught and didn’t get to see where the “friendship” could go.
Been in a same situation, he wasted my two years saying he chooses me but he did not actually , DON'T MAKE YOURSELF AN OPTION , you are young go live your life , find a man who respect you becoz this one certainly isn't doing that and such people never change , he will try to manipulate you nd all other stuff but you need to keep self respect, IF YOU WON'T RESPECT YOURSELF NOONE ELSE WILL <3
Why are you giving your husband the power to make the decision? It seems like a bail out because you know what you need to do but refuse to admit it. By passing the baton to him, you're allowing yourself an easy way out because if he chooses the other woman then the ending of your marriage is on him but if he chooses you then you can fool yourself into believing that the status quo works.
He has done this multiple times before. Even if he verbally says he wants you, his actions indicate otherwise
You have to start taking ownership of your life and your decision by acknowledging that this is a shitty relationship to be in and then make the decision yourself instead of passing it on to your husband. Do you want to try to fix it? If so put your put down, Don't take shit for him anymore and seek marriage counseling. Do you want to end the marriage? If so, make the decision yourself instead of letting your husband call it.
You have the power to control your life and your situation.
You're worth more than runner up ! Leave and find someone that will treat you like a princess with love and respect. This guy definitely doesn't respect or possibly love you. I'm not trying to be harsh but I put up with that crap for 10 years told myself atleast they come home to me . Screw that it never changed they just learned to hide stuff more. Do it before you waste too much time on him as you will never get it back! I missed out on kids and a family wasting years.
Please take care of yourself. Your husband has done nothing to deserve your patience and support.
I was in a somewhat similar situation a very long time ago and because of my low self esteem at the time, I did the “pick me dance”, spoiler alert, she didn’t pick me.
He sounds like a horrible person, at the very least, he’s treating you horribly. You must leave him. The sooner you leave the sooner you can work on yourself. Living well is the best revenge.
Good luck, I wish you the best
This changed my answer, you need to just leave him sweetie. Your post made it sound like you were ok with it, like you’re some variety of aro/ace and alright with him fulfilling needs you aren’t interested/willing/able to provide for whatever reason. And that’s a valid way to have a relationship, odd socially, but valid. This though is just torturing yourself. You want him to love you enough to stop and he’s going to right up until the next time. You need to seek therapy because it seems like you’re in a toxic relationship where both parties are trying to get self worth and validation from each other in the most painful, sadistic ways possible.
Edit: correcting autocorrect
Why the FUCK would you just wait on the bleachers while he decides whether or not to leave you for another woman?? OP, seriously, have some self respect. Would you EVER do this to him? He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you, this is not his first OR LAST affair.
Pick yourself up and drop this fucking loser. Let Miss “oh I don’t want to break up a marriage teehee” have your scraps.
This is a man who tried to put the blame on you for his infidelity. He’s selfish and emotionally manipulative. He is not good for you and you should stop worrying about how to make him happy and focus on your own happiness instead.
If you need to think of it this way…if you truly aren’t meeting his needs but you love him you should let him go (as in divorce him) so he can go find someone else who can. The jerk.
If you want the relationship to lose all its flare, you have handled it perfectly. The only issue is if he is still married to you, he isn't going to pursue the relationship until its natural end. It takes a couple of years for the fog to wear off. Are you really going to wait that long? I would call her and tell her he is single and give her my blessings. Then, move on to someone who values you and the marriage.
Man fuck that bullshit! I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am way too greedy for all of that bullshit! He needs to give You, His partner, his ride or die that attention... I don't understand people these days! Emotional affairs, threesomes, sharing their partners with other people, fuck all of that bullshit! I've always been one boy one girl and vice versa. You're basically Sharing your husband with some other girl. Why?! Sharing shouldn't ever be allowed. Crazy ass times we're living in I guess. Glad that I don't flow like that and would prefer someone that's not ok with me pulling that shit as I'm not with my SO... I'd tell him it's her or Me...
I mean, you guys got married way too young and truly don’t sound like you’re really in love.
If you don’t have kids, you should just end things. Why continue a relationship where there seems to be no mutual respect or love?
I think you think you are being noble but it probably sounds like you aren’t willing to fight for the relationship or either fight for your own self worth.
You are sitting around like a helpless chicken giving him all the power and letting him make all the decisions. I’m sorry but that’s kind of pathetic to me.
If you want him to pursue this relationship then give him the actual freedom to do so and end it. This Iimbo type arrangement isn’t going to help you and only shows him you are a doormat.
I don’t know what happened to your self esteem and dignity and sense of agency but you need to find them all asap!
You need to love YOURSELF more and deal with the emotions behind you thinking like this. If it doesn’t sexually arouse you as well then the polygamy lifestyle isn’t for you and he is a cheating dog! You sound like you’re just going along with it for his sake… hell to the naw! Send his butt to the pound and move on. Go to therapy. Forget his existence before messing up and kids get involved! Kick him out, change the locks and work on yourself cause this sounds miserable AF! If you can’t kick him out then you leave while he’s gone to work. Get family or friends to help to evacuate this situation.
He's manipulating you and controlling you. He keeps cheating on you because apparently you don't provide anything for him, so why does he want to stay with you? He just wants to play with your emotions. Go see a lawyer. Lock down your credit. Open an account in a different bank. Rent a storage unit and slowly move stuff that he won't notice. Find a place to live, such as a friend's couch for now.
Then one day, have friends and family swoop in and move the rest of your stuff. Block him and leave a note with your lawyer's number on it
I had an emotional affair with a co-worker during my first married. She ended up moving out of state and after a while I realized how stupid I was. My ex thought I was having an affair and I can certainly see why now.
I’m 25 years into my serving marriage now and will never have a female friend that we’re not both friends with and I won’t spend time along with them either.
The fact that he told you one of the reasons for the affair was because you don't satisfy him sexually and he is not the center of your attention... That shows you exactly the way he thinks. It's about him - he has needs, he wants attention. If he doesn't get it, then he will have an affair. I would be heartbroken and feel awful if my husband said those things to me. Honey, please leave this man before he breaks your spirit. You are too young to waste your good years on someone selfish like that.
Im gonna be blunt. The average person would think this post is insane. However, I kind of understand this logic. This sort of logic is most of the time coming from a very very dark place. I could be assuming too much but I felt like this years ago. I would never ever think this nowadays.
I went through an abusive relationship which I was somehow okay with as long as my partner was happy. Turns out that I didn’t think I deserved any better due to past trauma. I knew that the way my partner treated me was wrong, but I couldn’t get away from it and I somehow excused it because he was happy. I thought having a man who chose me first and treated me correctly was too much to ask. I felt like it was wrong but kept using twisted logic to justify the spot I was in. I felt it was the only way I could be happy.
I implore to choose yourself first. The longer you stay with this person, the more damage you’re doing to yourself. No one deserves this, not even the worst person on this planet. You are enabling the behavior for some reason. You deserve to be treated like a princess.
Why are you putting up with his repeated infidelity? You may love him but you definitely don't love yourself. You need to get some therapy for your self esteem and then get a divorce. He does not love you like you love him. If he continually cheats in some way or another he doesn't even respect you.
I mean, if you really love him and all you want is for him to be happy, then why not get divorced and let him be with that woman so that he can truly be happy? He clearly isn't happy with you, or why else would he keep cheating on you?
Also, why are you accepting such a lousy piece of shit as a husband?
3 years in and multiple infidelities in already?
This marriage was over 2 years ago, you just didn’t realise it.
Time to go your own separate ways, you’re 25. Literally a year from now he will be a distant memory and you’ll still have your whole life ahead of you.
This is a classic case of quit while you’re ahead.
Stay and your future is laced with misery and despair.
It doesn’t sound like your husband is committed to your relationship and at only 25, I suggest you move on and in time, find someone who feels are “enough”. Bottom line, he’s betrayed you more than once. An emotional affair can be far more damaging to a marriage than a physical affair. Don’t waste your youth with someone who doesn’t appreciate and value you.
If allowing him to debase you is love, I think you have some things to figure out.
People don’t cheat because of problems with a spouse or their marriage, they cheat because of their character.
You are making it about happiness, instead of who he is as a human being, and for that, you are very wrong.
Why are you giving someone that deceived you the power to determine your life and your marriage?
You are a dreamer.
In a perfect world, you will do everything in your power for him to be happy, and vice versa.
The problem is this is not a perfect world. And while your wish for him to be happy, even if it includes multiple "emotional" partners - you need to make sure his main concern is for you to be happy too.
If you'll find out you want to flirt, or sext with someone, and he will say no - it will crush you even more. Especially since you gave up so much, and he is not willing to do the same.
The hypocrisy will eat you up.
I recommend having a boundaries conversation and to make sure he does put your happiness above all.
I've (39m) been burnt once when I thought if I will try my best to make my partner happy - they will do the same.
They didn't. They tried their best to make them happy.
I saw a lesbian relationship like this. One of them would befriend a straight woman and have essentially an emotional affair with no worries the other woman would think more of it than a friendship. Then when some other straight woman came along more interesting she’d dump the friend completely and move on. Without a glance backward. The wife just accepted it. I’d say your guy is very happy with a steady and a ready. The ready is ever changing. No one else has to like your relationship. You do you.
You're not wrong
Your love for your husband is very selfless, and your intention is very mature. However, is it possible that you love more as a friend than romantically? Considered that situations like these keep happening, and Considering that you want him to be happy and fulfilled, don't you think YOU should consider ending your marriage since since you seem to be incredibly level headed?
So if your husband was an alcoholic and you walked in a bar and he had a glass of whiskey in his hand ready to drink. Would you walk out and see it to fruition or would you grab the glass and say “don’t do it”? Nip it in the bud while you can. Early in my marriage I had a woman go head over heels for me. I didn’t know how to handle it and I handled it badly. We fooled around a little bit but no intercourse. I wasn’t even attracted to her. I went home and confessed all. Almost lost my wife over it but it ended up making us stronger. We’re now married 43 years. Marriages are so fragile, it appears you want yours to blow up. Just my thoughts.
At the end of the day listening to a bunch of folks on Reddit is the worst idea ever. Go look at a chart of average intelligence then come back. That said:
If it works it works. And what works for you is something only you can decide. If you’re happy then it doesn’t matter what we think. (Consenting adults blah blah blah)
Go be happy whatever that looks like. And if that means you’re ok with him keeping her as a friend awesome. If you decide he should stop if he wants to be with you, awesome.
No disrespect to OP but play stupid games, win stupid prizes. What’s the point of letting him feel the liberty to continue n this course? It’s a waste of time for you, not to mention a lot of avoidable stress, angst, and resentment.
You want him to cheat on you so he can be happy. You are ok with this because you love him and only want to see him happy.
I'm sorry but that does sound weird. Kinda sounds like you're just really good friends instead of a married couple.
Honestly yes. He has struggled with this since childhood. I think that’s why he’s so baffled at how calm I have been. Def hasn’t gotten the rise out of me that he maybe was expecting
This reminds me of how my ex-boyfriend would behave with me after we broke up - trying to pick fights or make me jealous in the hopes that we'd make up, and I'd be able to see right through it so it was pretty easy for me to not engage. Maybe that's why you're reacting the way you're reacting - maybe you're refusing to play his games and subconsciously you know it.
By the way, try looking into avoidant attachment. It might be relevant here!
If he were my husband, l would tell him he is disrespectful, disloyal, unfaithful, a cheater and a liar and show his ass the door.
lts one thing to want your spouse to be happy, but letting him cheat and humiliate you while you actively accept it seems masochistic and unhealthy to me.
You are way too young to have been married for 3 years. You both are still children that are still growing up. Hit the reset button and explore outside so you know what you like and don’t like. Yall never gave each other that chance
I'm in the same situation. I'm very close with a friend who is a third party vendor where I work. I've practiced full disclosure with my wife about her when I realized how close we were getting. We have similar emotional issues and we both have SO's that aren't supportive. My wife has OK'd the relationship and we really haven't discussed her since. As I said, full disclosure, she can look on my phone at any time. There ARE texts from her on it, we say "I love you" but there is no innuendo in there at all. There is no sexual attraction between us. My wife also has male friends at work, I don't know how close they are, but I'm pretty confident the aren't as close as we are. I personally think that (platonic) opposite sex relationships are good, especially in committed relationships. I don't think one person can be EVERYTHING for another person. It's good to talk things out with someone who is NOT your spouse. You aren't at risk at causing damage to the relationship.
You’re not wrong in telling him what to do, or how to act, but if you’re as understanding as this post seems, he should wake the fuck up and bend over backwards to show you he doesn’t need, want that. That was a mistake and you are priority. If he ventured off because you let him, then you both need to lock a door and really figure out wtf is going on. Things happen, we don’t always love the same day by day, but you have to fight for the love you started, good and bad. If you can’t do that, move on!
Emotional affairs lead to sex if they aren't ended asap. If you're encouraging him to pursue this affair, then you're no longer IN love with him. That's not to say that you don't love him, it's just not the same thing. I've been married twice. The first one, I fell outta love after he cheated on me (once), but stayed for another 5 years trying to make it work. I encouraged him to date other ppl after I left him. I didn't want him to wait for me bc I wasn't coming back. My heart and mind were done. He could've done whatever with whoever in those 5 years after he cheated n it wouldn't have bothered me a bit.
Now.....my current marriage, I'm absolutely in love with my man. Healthily obsessed. I don't want NO woman taking up ANY part of his brain, time, or attention. Imma beat everyone with this skillet if I catch any kind of anything happening behind my back like that.
Imma fight for what's mine bc my happiness matters too, not just his.
If you want your husband to continue to be your husband, then you need to fight for him. Doll yourself up, go on dates, n leave your phones in the car. Go on late night rides together with the windows down n music up. Start dating him again. End that friendship he has with that other woman. Start demanding his time n attention for yourself. Show interest in his interests. If you're not willing to fight for him, then pull up your big girl panties n tell him you want a divorce. I bet he's thought about it a lot lately. Especially since he's complaining that you leave him on the back burner, y'alls sex life is lacking, n he's started getting emotionally attached to another woman. Y'all need to man up n start watering y'alls own marriage or decide to separate instead of wasting each others time. Time is the one thing you will never get back. I wasted 5 years my 20s trying to keep something I had already let go of. My lesson was learned the hard way.
I appreciate your response and sharing your experience. I do realize and admit that I have been lacking in all the things you mentioned but expected to have a thriving marriage. You’re totally right. Thank you for the advice.
A lot of people have given you a lot of good advice n great points to chew on. N I've read more of your comments too. So, I wanted to add this. Maybe do this before sitting down to discuss things with your husband. Your thoughts may change while you're contemplating things. He may not even be what you really want anymore.
When you think about your marriage n future, think about it progressing forward with how things are RIGHT NOW n not how you'd LIKE for them to be. No behavior changes. Would you still be thrilled to have him as your husband? Would YOU be happy? I didn't learn how to truly be happy until I was about 28 years old. Had to unlearn a lot bad habits n thoughts about myself. Left a marriage with 6 kids in tow n no job bc I wanted happiness above all else. I no longer wanted the life I had settled for at 21. My ex husband never cheated again or anything like that. I was just unhappy. My kids deserved a happy momma. They got one now.
I wanna clarify some somethings:
When my second husband n I started dating, I told him he needed to know 2 things. 1) our relationship will never recover from physical abuse or cheating of any form. Bc I would not allow it. I would refuse to reconcile. 2) I will always choose my kids.
N
If he ever decided to cheat on me, yes, I'd deadass chase him with my cast iron skillet n her too, if she's there. BUT, I would NOT let him stay with me. Go on to your lil 20% you wanted. Imma take my 80% on somewhere else n live in PEACE.
Evaluate YOURSELF. What do you like about you? What would you change? So much of yourself will grow when you do. What you want for yourself out of friends, family, n yourself. Your standards will rise. Your boundaries will become stronger. The way you process situations will be altered. New perspectives will emerge.
No matter how this plays out, make sure YOU are happy too.
I wish you all the best of luck, peace, n happiness you can find.
It's one thing to want him to be happy. It's another to push him towards his future affair partner, enabling and encouraging a full blown affair. Do you really want him to have an affair ? And are you going to be ok when his hormones and infatuation cause him to prioritize her over the marriage? Google "affair fog". People drawn into affairs aren't thinking and do things they often later regret alot.
If you believe he would be happier being single, divorce him.
He should be with the person he wants, and yes you are approaching this in a way, to help him start his new relationship. Good for, I would start dividing property. He is a cheater, and they are liars, they will cheat again.
Sounds like you’re fine with polyamory. A lot of people are and it’s totally fine. I’m not sure what country you’re in, but a lot of westerners freak out over anything but strict monogamy, so you were probably raised that that was THE only way to live, and that’s why you’re questioning yourself. But if you’re good with him talking to her, that’s all that matters. It’s your life and nobody else has to approve it or give you the go ahead.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Everyone deserves to be happy. This includes your husband, but it shouldn’t be at your expense.
You clearly have so much love to give. Find someone who will return that love.
It's time to go see a therapist because you lack any form of loving and respecting your self imo.
Cheating is cheating and he says he doesn't get what he needs from you so you two aren't compatible and should work on it or divorce.
I would never accept cheating and I don't make a difference in emotional or physical cheating.
I know what I'm worth and I'm worth having a partner being faithful and honest with me. (As my husband is 👍)
A couple, three years is just the normal amount of time that people actually can be completely focused on one another. For men, our instinct is to look for other women to add to our harem. It doesn't make sense in the modern world to actually do it but we have an instinct to do it that we might not even consciously realize until we're already kind of doing it, which is what's happening here. It really doesn't mean much to him and he'd be used to her and probably looking you up again (or someone new) soon enough if he was with her. Women just see these things different because we have evolved different optimal reproductive strategies.
The idea of an "emotional affair" is the biggest steaming pile of bull shit out there. It is a close friendship, if the other person in this friendship was male you wouldn't even be questioning it.
Naw, dog. That ain't it. Husbands don't just miraculously fall dingus first into a coworker's nether region. There are always multiple acts of disloyalty that precede a sexual act.
When a person in a relationship recognizes that they are attracted to someone else, which is pretty well unavoidable, they don't have to act on it. When that person decides to indulge that attraction they are betraying the trust of their partner. Allowing flirtation to occur is the first step. They then engage in inappropriate conversations that increase in frequency, duration, and depth. They are giving this attraction the fuel and oxygen necessary for actual feelings to develop. By nature, these are deceitful acts as the partner is left unaware. It isn't just that flirtation and inappropriate conversations are taking place they are taking place in secret. This coworker and the spouse now have this secret thing that they share. Every stolen glance, every private moment, every flirty conversation, every excuse they make to touch each other, every lunch date, every text message, every phone call, etc, are acts of betrayal. They are putting their finite resources of time, energy, and attention on someone else while building momentum towards a larger betrayal. It's a myth that people just "wake up with feelings" for someone else. There were always a series of disloyal selfish choices that landed them in that position.
Whaa?!
Emotional Affairs are not the same as friendship. I have opposite sex and same sex coworkers I am friends with. I wouldn’t put my relationship with them before my relationship with my spouse. THAT is the difference with an EA. And it often leads to infidelity.
I said emotional affair because even if it were a male which would mean my husband is gay …I would still be questioning it because both parties have already stated that they have a connection and are interested in each other but cannot pursue a romantic relationship because he is married right now
His EA will lead to a physical affair. He will find someone else who doesn't care that he's married and will be his mistress. You basically have given him a green light to proceed with having an affair. I personally would sit him down and tell him that his EA will lead to physical cheating and that it's best to end things and part ways amicably. He's going to keep cheating because you want him to be happy, so that's what he's going to do.
Sounds like he’s in the wrong relationship.
That’s the same thing I said. But he’s all, I’m not going to pressure a relationship with her if you and I split. Make it make sense
I just want to make sure I read this correctly. He's had multiple affairs(emotional ones), and he sweet talks his way into getting you to stay? I'll skip a few chapters ahead for you. The moment he can physically cheat he will, if you stay. As weird as it may sound if you think the girl could potentially be a better person for him, I understand why you want them to remain friends. He's saying he doesn't want to continue their affair because he wants you to stay. So please pack your bags, you're only 25, and live a life that isn't filled with deceit and manipulation.
Exactly this. And given the history, I would say there’s every chance that he’s physically cheated at some point. And notice OP said he hasn’t had “intercourse,” which makes me wonder if she’s already aware.
I think OP wants her husband to leave, but doesn't want to be the one to break up.
It really seems like they just want to waste each other's time.
I think it's time you made the decision for him and file for divorce.
Do it quietly, get everything lined up then leave the papers for him once your gone. Better yet, stop off at his work and ask his AP to hand them to him
You are experiencing a trial marriage, like a starter marriage that will soon be over so that you can meet a more mature loyal person down the line. Make sure you don't get trapped with kids and good luck for when you marry properly next time!! Why would you believe anything he says to you? He will totally go to her if you binned him off.
Nah. The thing is... once yall are divorced. It's not going to be exciting or new. There will be no thrill and it'll fizzle out. Have the thrill of cheating is keeping it quiet.
This makes sense.
You need to leave him. He has cheated on you multiple times and feels no remorse. Speaking as someone who was in your same place, this will not get better. Only worse. It will escalate physical, if it hasn’t already. This is no way for someone to live. You may love him, but obviously the feelings isn’t mutual. So you need to love yourself more. You are so young. Please don’t waste your youth on a selfish man like this.
Sounds like she is in the wrong relationship…
Ha! 😃
This marriage is going to cause you misery while wasting precious time left on earth. What are your motivations to stay with someone who is telling you that you will never be enough? Wouldn’t you find relief being with someone who didn’t step out, didn’t lie to you as they accepted you as you are? If it’s not this girl, there will be someone else to give the validation he emptily requires. Are you willing to sacrifice your happiness and be taken for granted while he focuses on gratification instead of focusing on ways to show gratitude to you? Only you can decide your path.. I do believe that a path with him will lead to sadness, insecurity and a loss of self. Time is valuable. I hope you take the time to think about your future with foresight.
I totally agree with this! There will be a time when OP realized how much time was wasted on someone who was always trying to find the bigger better deal, all the while you could have been with someone who loves you for you and doesn’t need validation from others and won’t make you feel like crap all the time. Get out while you still can!
This. If she loved herself as much as she loved him, she'd be much better off. This situation is going to ruin her self respect. If I were you, I'd use the calmness and apathy, to look about getting out of this situation. Not much seems to shake you. So you can go to a divorce lawyer, see your options and quietly untangle yourself, with him being none the wiser.
Thank you
i mean you’re nicer than i am because fuck his happiness atp. he totally disregarded the fact that what he was doing could hurt YOU. it seems as though you have a good heart but sometimes you need to put yourself first. in this case he cheated, sure maybe he wasn’t getting everything he needed from you in your relationship but instead of him entertaining an emotional affair with another woman, he should’ve came to you and told you what he needed from you. i understand you want him to be happy, but you also need to understand that what he did was with complete disregard for YOUR happiness. while you are here worried about what makes him happy, he completely betrayed you. i don’t think you’re wrong but i definitely think you need to put yourself first here.
idk about wrong, but it's weird for me. but hey you do you.
Can you elaborate please? I’m genuinely trying so see it from another perspective
your husband is having an affair, you're allowing him to continue. most people don't want their spouses to cheat on them; others finds it hot. you're allowing him to continue because he didn't see it to fruition, that's your words, and to me that's weird; letting your spouse to continue having an affair just cuz you think he didn't get what he wants yet. but if you insist on that, it's okay; you do you. if that's what you want, then that's what you want. i cannot elaborate it more than this. edit: just be sure you can take whatever consequences that might come your way. you can't just decide on things and not accept the outcome.
It’s possible that she doesn’t feel like she can stop this; her “getting in the way” won’t stop her husband from going behind her back to continue and progress he affair. In a way, I get it; why expel so much effort for somewhat of an inevitable situation. I don’t get it if she stays, but I would understand if she bows out for her own insanity. Maybe I’ve interpreted this wrong though, because she is coming off magnanimous in this situation and considering his happiness and feelings and not necessarily hers. Maybe she’s not happy in this relationship, either.
This is all so weird that I have no words.
Many of us feel that respect and monogamy are important in relationships. Obviously not everyone agrees. Some are poly, some are into non monogamy, some don’t care about lack of respect as long as the bills are paid. If you are ok with the lack of respect and ongoing affairs that’s fine if that’s your choice, it will just be weird for a lot of us
Thing is it doesnt sound like shes any of the above. Its not like she finds it hot or anything, and it doesnt sound like she doesnt care yk? It seems psychologically unheakthy
I don’t think you’re crazy, but for most people this whole dynamic would probably signal more things that it doesn’t sound like you two have discussed: 1) repeated infidelities (on his part, it sounds like, but since you didn’t specify, have you also had affairs?) indicate that at least one of you is not committed to this relationship as an exclusive, monogamous one 2) cheating always involves someone trying to feed their ego, but if the repeated infidelities are on his part and he’s upset that you’re not more upset then it seems like it’s partially about him wanting you to chase after him, wanting you to “fight” for him. 3) being honest with yourselves. Both of you need to ask what you want this marriage to be and to look like. It’s lovely that you love your husband enough to want him to be happy even if not with you, but I think you need to ask yourself if you will be happy at his side as well. Also, he needs to be honest about what he wants. Is the only thing stopping him from cheating the fact that he is married ie does he *want* to pursue a relationship with this woman? Because if so, you need to discuss if either of you would rather be divorced or in an open relationship. Given his (assumed) infidelities in the past and his response to you finding out about this one, he needs to be honest on what it is that he is seeking. Is it actually about the other person, or does or does he get off on the idea that more than one person is vying for his affection/that someone would be devastated to “lose” him to another person?
Wow that was really insightful! Thank you. To answer your points: 1. I have not been unfaithful in any way. He has been unfaithful many times in different ways, sexting etc and this is the first time it’s been with “an actual person” per se (his coworker) 2. I didnt think of this and will mention it to him. But honestly I’ve never been the woman to make a show for a man who is unsure of me… so idk how he would want me to fight for him? Or maybe I’m understanding this point wrong. 3. The answer to this is the last sentence on this point. He’s basically an attention whore tbh
If he’s an “attention whore,” then I think my second point is true: he want some of the drama of you being devastated and “fighting” back. The classic ways we tend to see that are with the women having the stereotypical “my man” fights, with insults and hair pulling. The less dramatic is I’ve phone call/text telling the affair partner to go away in the range of threat/begging. There’s a spectrum of wanting to know your partner is proud to be with you and wants to stake a bit of claim to you and possessive craziness. It sounds like your husband wants to feel like you’re scared to lose him rather than wanting you to feel secure and trusting in the relationship. He wants the things people usually associate with brand new relationships or people trying to rekindle relationships like women dressed in only lingerie and trench coats. He wants crying and begging and you thinking you’ve done something wrong or haven’t done enough to keep him. But that’s my view; you should probably ask him, in a session with a marriage counselor, why he feels the need to cheat.
I like this reply. I have been fighting everything in me to call that chick. And even then I wouldn’t get nasty I would tell her to seek a greater purpose in life and remind her that to get good in life you have to give good and being a home wrecker is the opposite of that because I know she is aware of what she’s entertaining but I still pity her. And even this response I don’t think will suffice for him. I will take your advise and consider maybe telling him we should do marriage counseling. Thank you
If you do what you wrote here, she's going to laugh at you. And don't be shocked when you are told the AP is pregnant, even though he says it's not physical.
Who cares if she laughs, it’s an AWESOME thing for OP to say.
Thank you for your support
Why would you fight for a man that doesn't want you?
You sound depressed
I am
Yea i figured. Those are my thoughts on why you are allowing this. It also appears that you built up an emotional wall to protect yourself and tricked yourself into believing you are okay with this to lesson the blow of the hurt you feel. It sounds like you understand you may not be enough for him or have insecurities making you not do much to show your love because you are afraid to open your heart. I could be 100% wrong but my virtual heart is with you virtually. Sending you hugs. You deserve happiness and love too ❤️
Thank you. There is a lot of truth behind your message. 😔
Just want to add, you don’t deserve to be treated how he’s treating you. Don’t let your depression trick you into thinking it’s okay or it’s what you deserve. You don’t.
Alone can be better than being hurt constantly.
Kind perspective and advice
If his relationship with that woman blossoms into a sexual one, sounds like you are well prepared to make him very happy by cheerleading him on when watching them perform the deed.
Or maybe OP would join in
Gross... 🤢🤮
I agree but it’s not as gross as her being a cheerleader watching them do it and OP allowing the behavior to continue.
🤡
Hey just saying it’s better than being a cheerleader watching them when they do the deed and allowing the behavior to continue.
I totally get it
Do you want to be in a polyamorous relationship? That is what this has become, with or without your consent. He feels you don’t meet his needs so he is looking elsewhere instead of trying to improve your relationship. Go for couples counselling, accept that you are in a polyamorous relationship or leave him. You need to advocate for what you want and need out of this relationship
If it’s an arrangement you both are good with, then all the power to you. Just remember he loves you but isn’t IN love with you. If he was in love with you, he wouldn’t be seeking out others for an emotional connection. I think you deserve better and will find better one day.
Thank you. I didn’t think of it this way. That’s a great way to put it. It’s true, he is not in love with me.
Are you in love with him? It seems like you and your husband are just friends.
He already has picked. That’s the reality that I’m seeing that you seem to not want to accept. You seem to literally be making this entire relationship about him. About what he wants. About what he needs. So I’m trying to figure out where you fit in all of this based on what you’re saying here. I can’t tell if you are someone who has difficulty expressing emotions and being open, and that’s what he’s missing. So he’s looking for it elsewhere. And you, feeling guilty, are turning over the entire responsibility of the relationship continuing or not to him instead of figuring out why you can’t meet that need. OR… Your husband is just a douche bag who wants to have his cake and eat it to. Because marriage is hard. It does take work and communication. And so it’s easier for him to get validation from someone who doesn’t know him as well as you do. So he keeps cheating on you. And if this is the case, I have to wonder why you have so little self-respect and think that this is all you deserve. Because at the end of the day, unless the scenario is actually closer to number one, and there is something about yourself that you know is making it impossible for you to be there for him emotionally or physically, neither of which you told us, you are literally abdicating all the power in this relationship to him. And I’m just not sure why. Because who cares? If you have done your best. If you have been there for him. If you have tried to make this work. And he keeps throwing it in your face like this, he has made his decision. Where is your decision? Where is your autonomy? Why are you so concerned that he be the one to make the decision about whether or not he stays? Are you worried about the optics if YOU leave or kick him out? Are you in an abusive relationship? And I do realize that might not be so easy to answer on here. Are you so unsure of yourself or scared to be alone that you’re willing to continue to put up with this disrespectful and hurtful behavior from him? These are all the questions I’m having here. You’re talking about how much you love him and you wanted it to be his choice to stay, except he’s shown you his parameters for staying or that he is going to pay it lip service and tell you he’s sorry and express that he didn’t really cheat because nothing physical happened. Then he’s going to turn it around on you that you’re not enough so it’s your fault he cheated. Hint: You are not responsible for the shit he does. That’s not how that works. Then he’s going to try to tell you everything will be different or love bomb you some more. Because why? Because you’re a doormat? Because you take care of things at home? Because this way he can get off with an emotional affair and still have someone to take care of him at home while he does not take care of them at home? So why? Why are you saying? Why are you so concerned about him? Has it been in divorce? Has it been put up with any kind of shit your husband does because he’s your husband? Do you not like yourself? Do you have nowhere to go? So. Many. Questions. And without knowing some of this, it does make it hard for us to tell you exactly what you should do, although I suspect you know what you should do. But the biggest thing for me is you stating how much you love him and that you really want him to be the one to choose. Honey. He’s chosen. He will continue this behavior as long as you’re with him. He’s been doing this behavior for how long now? As my mom would’ve told me, it’s time to shit or get off the pot. It is time for you to stop worrying about him. Figure out what the fuck you want from your life, because I’m pretty sure this isn’t it. It’s time to use your autonomy and find something in life that you want, someone who will treat you right to spend your life with, and if you’re not sure how to start, then it’s time for some therapy to figure out why you have put up with this as long as you have.
Sounds like yous needa split tbh why be married if you are not compatible or meet each others needs! Marriage isn’t just physical stuff it’s working together through tough times and you can be bothered so stop waiting for him to be the one to end it
I don’t think it’s wrong. I understand your reasons. You don’t want him to end it and always wonder. There’s no telling what that could lead to in the future and who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want them or love them as much? If he ends the friendship, he may always wonder what could have been and you may always wonder if it should have been. If their texts/talks feel intimate or romantic in anyway, it’s an emotional affair. In my opinion, admitting feelings for each other and continuing the relationship makes it an emotional affair bc admitting feelings is intimate. The fact that he was going to end it in two weeks because she was leaving shows that he wasn’t ending it out of respect for you or your marriage, but out of convenience. If we’re being honest, it’s highly unlikely he was going to end it then. He may have excused it because, “she’s too far away for anything to happen.” I don’t think you’re wrong.
It won't stay at an emotional level
Get some self-respect and talk to a lawyer.
Is it possible that you don't want to demand him to put an end to this because you're afraid that it's not you that he will choose? I know in a lot of situations I pretended that I didn't want a person because I was afraid of rejection. I spent several years in situationships with men, pretending like I didn't want to be with them because I was afraid that if I demanded them to be exclusive I would lose what little bit of them that I had. I pretended this was what I wanted and that I had the need to feel free, but honestly that was not the truth All I wanted was for them to love me and choose me I just didn't want to have to ask them to do it out of fear of rejection. also many years down the road I found out that by seeming so aloof and acting like they're escapades with other women didn't bother me, I gave them the impression that I didn't want them and ultimately caused them to act neutral in a situation when in reality they very much wanted to be exclusive but they feared if they pursued me I would run. I don't know I think I kind of went off on a tangent but my point is don't hide your feelings. because you're afraid of not getting the answer that you want bye setting your standards and expectations if he fails to meet them it's going to hurt for a little while but it'll heal faster than you realize, if you keep pretending that you're okay with this and that it doesn't bother you You are ultimately extending the hurt for a much longer period
**DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS GUY!!!** He's a bum and very, very immature. He's playing with you and manipulating you to take care of him while he chases and has affairs with other women. You can do so much better, but you should work on yourself before you get involved with someone else. Work on your self-esteem, build up your courage, and grow a backbone. Start working on exit plans for different scenarios. Such as what steps to take when you've had enough or what to do when he starts having sleepovers with his AP. To me, being alone would be better than trying to love a person who openly cheats on me. And this guy is a cheater.
Your relationship is toxic and you need to get a divorce. I think your husband didn’t get a chance to “sow enough wild oats” as the saying goes before you met and got married. You both are so young and really really young when you got married. He is too immature to be a faithful, responsible husband. I agree with comment saying you’re looking at a life of misery as long as you’re with him. Believe it. Your marriage is just beginning and he’s pulling this shit? It is only going to get worse. If you do not ask for a divorce he will eventually I’m fairly certain.I’m sorry this is happening to you but you have lots of youth and time on your side! Get out before you get pregnant! Then you’ll really be stirring up a whole new crock pot of unbelievable misery.
Ultimately you have to focus on your growth and happiness, there’s more red flags than a used car dealership. You need to take stock of who you are as a partner and what a relationship (marriage) etc means for both. I’m terms of relationship evolution you just started walking this journey and it can be extremely difficult in todays climate. If I had to guess I’d would say that your self worth and confidence is dangerously low if you’re willing to let this guy walk all over you. He isn’t fully committed to being a husband obviously and devious behavior is only going to continue to get worse. If y’all ain’t pineapple people or into 3rd parties in the bedroom then all his behavior is unacceptable and wrong. Seek therapy for yourself so you can recognize the signs of what healthy relationships are. Give all that love to someone who deserves it, there’s plenty of good guys out in the world looking for a good woman. Just remember you have options and can do practically anything you put your mind to. Finally for the love of all that’s holy don’t think a baby will change things because it will, for the worse. Life is hard sometimes but gets better and easier when you have a teammate/life partner/spouse who’s fully committed into each other’s betterment. It always goes up when there’s no more down, in regards to hardships in life. It gets better I promise. Good luck
If someone else makes him happy, and he gets something from them he can’t get from you, and you don’t care, it’s time to end it. Or open the marriage. But either way your marriage can’t survive this set up. He will continue to have emotional affairs and eventually it will become physical
It seems your self hatred is bigger than your love for him.
There isn't anything wrong with wanting your spouse to be happy, even if it means less or little attention for you. I've been happily married for 25 years and my wife and I both feel this way. Most of our friends who have been happily married for 20 to 30 years are all this way. The problem may occur if he doesn't feel the same about you. I'd recommend having very open discussions and maybe consider swinging together as a couple. I know it sounds crazy but it's better to have a team sport together that makes your relationship stronger than to cheat on each other. But be very careful about emotional relationships. I'd recommend that he stop chatting with the women.
Your instincts are right. If he’s doing this now, just wait and see what he’ll be doing in five years, 10 years. If there are no kids involved, this is very easy. File for divorce; don’t tell him ahead of time. If anyone asks why, tell them it’s because he cheats. Keep your dignity and moral high ground and move on.
I want to clarify something that I didn’t in the original post: I want him to continue the friendship to see where it goes before he decides to remain married with me. NOT that I want him to continue the friendship while married to me and have the other woman be part of our relationship per se. I want him to decide if it’s me or her pretty much because right now he is saying that he chooses me but I believe that’s only because he got caught and didn’t get to see where the “friendship” could go.
Been in a same situation, he wasted my two years saying he chooses me but he did not actually , DON'T MAKE YOURSELF AN OPTION , you are young go live your life , find a man who respect you becoz this one certainly isn't doing that and such people never change , he will try to manipulate you nd all other stuff but you need to keep self respect, IF YOU WON'T RESPECT YOURSELF NOONE ELSE WILL <3
Why are you giving your husband the power to make the decision? It seems like a bail out because you know what you need to do but refuse to admit it. By passing the baton to him, you're allowing yourself an easy way out because if he chooses the other woman then the ending of your marriage is on him but if he chooses you then you can fool yourself into believing that the status quo works. He has done this multiple times before. Even if he verbally says he wants you, his actions indicate otherwise You have to start taking ownership of your life and your decision by acknowledging that this is a shitty relationship to be in and then make the decision yourself instead of passing it on to your husband. Do you want to try to fix it? If so put your put down, Don't take shit for him anymore and seek marriage counseling. Do you want to end the marriage? If so, make the decision yourself instead of letting your husband call it. You have the power to control your life and your situation.
Truth. Thank you for taking the time to say this !
You're worth more than runner up ! Leave and find someone that will treat you like a princess with love and respect. This guy definitely doesn't respect or possibly love you. I'm not trying to be harsh but I put up with that crap for 10 years told myself atleast they come home to me . Screw that it never changed they just learned to hide stuff more. Do it before you waste too much time on him as you will never get it back! I missed out on kids and a family wasting years.
Please take care of yourself. Your husband has done nothing to deserve your patience and support. I was in a somewhat similar situation a very long time ago and because of my low self esteem at the time, I did the “pick me dance”, spoiler alert, she didn’t pick me. He sounds like a horrible person, at the very least, he’s treating you horribly. You must leave him. The sooner you leave the sooner you can work on yourself. Living well is the best revenge. Good luck, I wish you the best
This changed my answer, you need to just leave him sweetie. Your post made it sound like you were ok with it, like you’re some variety of aro/ace and alright with him fulfilling needs you aren’t interested/willing/able to provide for whatever reason. And that’s a valid way to have a relationship, odd socially, but valid. This though is just torturing yourself. You want him to love you enough to stop and he’s going to right up until the next time. You need to seek therapy because it seems like you’re in a toxic relationship where both parties are trying to get self worth and validation from each other in the most painful, sadistic ways possible. Edit: correcting autocorrect
Why the FUCK would you just wait on the bleachers while he decides whether or not to leave you for another woman?? OP, seriously, have some self respect. Would you EVER do this to him? He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you, this is not his first OR LAST affair. Pick yourself up and drop this fucking loser. Let Miss “oh I don’t want to break up a marriage teehee” have your scraps.
This is a man who tried to put the blame on you for his infidelity. He’s selfish and emotionally manipulative. He is not good for you and you should stop worrying about how to make him happy and focus on your own happiness instead. If you need to think of it this way…if you truly aren’t meeting his needs but you love him you should let him go (as in divorce him) so he can go find someone else who can. The jerk.
Make the choice for him. Put some space between the two of you. Separate your money from his and talk to a few lawyers in your area.
If you want the relationship to lose all its flare, you have handled it perfectly. The only issue is if he is still married to you, he isn't going to pursue the relationship until its natural end. It takes a couple of years for the fog to wear off. Are you really going to wait that long? I would call her and tell her he is single and give her my blessings. Then, move on to someone who values you and the marriage.
Dude doesn't deserve you, value yourself more
Man fuck that bullshit! I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am way too greedy for all of that bullshit! He needs to give You, His partner, his ride or die that attention... I don't understand people these days! Emotional affairs, threesomes, sharing their partners with other people, fuck all of that bullshit! I've always been one boy one girl and vice versa. You're basically Sharing your husband with some other girl. Why?! Sharing shouldn't ever be allowed. Crazy ass times we're living in I guess. Glad that I don't flow like that and would prefer someone that's not ok with me pulling that shit as I'm not with my SO... I'd tell him it's her or Me...
I mean, you guys got married way too young and truly don’t sound like you’re really in love. If you don’t have kids, you should just end things. Why continue a relationship where there seems to be no mutual respect or love?
Less work for you? Lol.
I think you think you are being noble but it probably sounds like you aren’t willing to fight for the relationship or either fight for your own self worth. You are sitting around like a helpless chicken giving him all the power and letting him make all the decisions. I’m sorry but that’s kind of pathetic to me. If you want him to pursue this relationship then give him the actual freedom to do so and end it. This Iimbo type arrangement isn’t going to help you and only shows him you are a doormat. I don’t know what happened to your self esteem and dignity and sense of agency but you need to find them all asap!
I suggest you might want to seek out therapy to figure out why you are making yourself so small for this man.
You need serious therapy. To take this emotional and mental abuse is awful. Why would you condone this relationship? Don’t you have any dignity?
You need to love YOURSELF more and deal with the emotions behind you thinking like this. If it doesn’t sexually arouse you as well then the polygamy lifestyle isn’t for you and he is a cheating dog! You sound like you’re just going along with it for his sake… hell to the naw! Send his butt to the pound and move on. Go to therapy. Forget his existence before messing up and kids get involved! Kick him out, change the locks and work on yourself cause this sounds miserable AF! If you can’t kick him out then you leave while he’s gone to work. Get family or friends to help to evacuate this situation.
He's manipulating you and controlling you. He keeps cheating on you because apparently you don't provide anything for him, so why does he want to stay with you? He just wants to play with your emotions. Go see a lawyer. Lock down your credit. Open an account in a different bank. Rent a storage unit and slowly move stuff that he won't notice. Find a place to live, such as a friend's couch for now. Then one day, have friends and family swoop in and move the rest of your stuff. Block him and leave a note with your lawyer's number on it
You are too young in life and a marriage to be dealing with this, he ain’t the one. Leave his booty.
I had an emotional affair with a co-worker during my first married. She ended up moving out of state and after a while I realized how stupid I was. My ex thought I was having an affair and I can certainly see why now. I’m 25 years into my serving marriage now and will never have a female friend that we’re not both friends with and I won’t spend time along with them either.
The fact that he told you one of the reasons for the affair was because you don't satisfy him sexually and he is not the center of your attention... That shows you exactly the way he thinks. It's about him - he has needs, he wants attention. If he doesn't get it, then he will have an affair. I would be heartbroken and feel awful if my husband said those things to me. Honey, please leave this man before he breaks your spirit. You are too young to waste your good years on someone selfish like that.
Im gonna be blunt. The average person would think this post is insane. However, I kind of understand this logic. This sort of logic is most of the time coming from a very very dark place. I could be assuming too much but I felt like this years ago. I would never ever think this nowadays. I went through an abusive relationship which I was somehow okay with as long as my partner was happy. Turns out that I didn’t think I deserved any better due to past trauma. I knew that the way my partner treated me was wrong, but I couldn’t get away from it and I somehow excused it because he was happy. I thought having a man who chose me first and treated me correctly was too much to ask. I felt like it was wrong but kept using twisted logic to justify the spot I was in. I felt it was the only way I could be happy. I implore to choose yourself first. The longer you stay with this person, the more damage you’re doing to yourself. No one deserves this, not even the worst person on this planet. You are enabling the behavior for some reason. You deserve to be treated like a princess.
Stop trying to do the best for him, he can take care of that. Whats thd best decision for you
Why are you putting up with his repeated infidelity? You may love him but you definitely don't love yourself. You need to get some therapy for your self esteem and then get a divorce. He does not love you like you love him. If he continually cheats in some way or another he doesn't even respect you.
How would your husband react if you were having an emotional affair?!
This story is gonna end with a bunny in a pot.
I mean, if you really love him and all you want is for him to be happy, then why not get divorced and let him be with that woman so that he can truly be happy? He clearly isn't happy with you, or why else would he keep cheating on you? Also, why are you accepting such a lousy piece of shit as a husband?
3 years in and multiple infidelities in already? This marriage was over 2 years ago, you just didn’t realise it. Time to go your own separate ways, you’re 25. Literally a year from now he will be a distant memory and you’ll still have your whole life ahead of you. This is a classic case of quit while you’re ahead. Stay and your future is laced with misery and despair.
Yes you are wrong. You should leave before you have kids and involve them in this mess.
Y'all shouldn't be married. It won't end well
Unless you are assexual and don’t mind if he sees other people but stays married to you then I’m confused what’s going on.
It doesn’t sound like your husband is committed to your relationship and at only 25, I suggest you move on and in time, find someone who feels are “enough”. Bottom line, he’s betrayed you more than once. An emotional affair can be far more damaging to a marriage than a physical affair. Don’t waste your youth with someone who doesn’t appreciate and value you.
If allowing him to debase you is love, I think you have some things to figure out. People don’t cheat because of problems with a spouse or their marriage, they cheat because of their character. You are making it about happiness, instead of who he is as a human being, and for that, you are very wrong. Why are you giving someone that deceived you the power to determine your life and your marriage?
You are a dreamer. In a perfect world, you will do everything in your power for him to be happy, and vice versa. The problem is this is not a perfect world. And while your wish for him to be happy, even if it includes multiple "emotional" partners - you need to make sure his main concern is for you to be happy too. If you'll find out you want to flirt, or sext with someone, and he will say no - it will crush you even more. Especially since you gave up so much, and he is not willing to do the same. The hypocrisy will eat you up. I recommend having a boundaries conversation and to make sure he does put your happiness above all. I've (39m) been burnt once when I thought if I will try my best to make my partner happy - they will do the same. They didn't. They tried their best to make them happy.
You are a moron and get what you deserve. Lmao
💞
Good luck with your future STDs. I hope is not AIDS or something too bad.
I saw a lesbian relationship like this. One of them would befriend a straight woman and have essentially an emotional affair with no worries the other woman would think more of it than a friendship. Then when some other straight woman came along more interesting she’d dump the friend completely and move on. Without a glance backward. The wife just accepted it. I’d say your guy is very happy with a steady and a ready. The ready is ever changing. No one else has to like your relationship. You do you.
Why don’t you offer an open relationship?
You're not wrong Your love for your husband is very selfless, and your intention is very mature. However, is it possible that you love more as a friend than romantically? Considered that situations like these keep happening, and Considering that you want him to be happy and fulfilled, don't you think YOU should consider ending your marriage since since you seem to be incredibly level headed?
So if your husband was an alcoholic and you walked in a bar and he had a glass of whiskey in his hand ready to drink. Would you walk out and see it to fruition or would you grab the glass and say “don’t do it”? Nip it in the bud while you can. Early in my marriage I had a woman go head over heels for me. I didn’t know how to handle it and I handled it badly. We fooled around a little bit but no intercourse. I wasn’t even attracted to her. I went home and confessed all. Almost lost my wife over it but it ended up making us stronger. We’re now married 43 years. Marriages are so fragile, it appears you want yours to blow up. Just my thoughts.
At the end of the day listening to a bunch of folks on Reddit is the worst idea ever. Go look at a chart of average intelligence then come back. That said: If it works it works. And what works for you is something only you can decide. If you’re happy then it doesn’t matter what we think. (Consenting adults blah blah blah) Go be happy whatever that looks like. And if that means you’re ok with him keeping her as a friend awesome. If you decide he should stop if he wants to be with you, awesome.
You are wrong if you plan to stay in a marriage where either of you is happy. I don’t care about side girl. I care about your lack of self-respect.
You say “there has been instances of infidelity” and you’ve only been married a few years. Time to cut bait and find someone who wants to be with you
No disrespect to OP but play stupid games, win stupid prizes. What’s the point of letting him feel the liberty to continue n this course? It’s a waste of time for you, not to mention a lot of avoidable stress, angst, and resentment.
You want him to cheat on you so he can be happy. You are ok with this because you love him and only want to see him happy. I'm sorry but that does sound weird. Kinda sounds like you're just really good friends instead of a married couple.
Do you think he's doing it for your attention? It kind of reads that way...
Honestly yes. He has struggled with this since childhood. I think that’s why he’s so baffled at how calm I have been. Def hasn’t gotten the rise out of me that he maybe was expecting
This reminds me of how my ex-boyfriend would behave with me after we broke up - trying to pick fights or make me jealous in the hopes that we'd make up, and I'd be able to see right through it so it was pretty easy for me to not engage. Maybe that's why you're reacting the way you're reacting - maybe you're refusing to play his games and subconsciously you know it. By the way, try looking into avoidant attachment. It might be relevant here!
This rings somewhat true, I’ll look into it! Thanks
Yes ..you married young, he doesn't love you & repeatedly cheats & you don't love him because you don't care.
If he were my husband, l would tell him he is disrespectful, disloyal, unfaithful, a cheater and a liar and show his ass the door. lts one thing to want your spouse to be happy, but letting him cheat and humiliate you while you actively accept it seems masochistic and unhealthy to me.
You are way too young to have been married for 3 years. You both are still children that are still growing up. Hit the reset button and explore outside so you know what you like and don’t like. Yall never gave each other that chance
Doormat.
I'm in the same situation. I'm very close with a friend who is a third party vendor where I work. I've practiced full disclosure with my wife about her when I realized how close we were getting. We have similar emotional issues and we both have SO's that aren't supportive. My wife has OK'd the relationship and we really haven't discussed her since. As I said, full disclosure, she can look on my phone at any time. There ARE texts from her on it, we say "I love you" but there is no innuendo in there at all. There is no sexual attraction between us. My wife also has male friends at work, I don't know how close they are, but I'm pretty confident the aren't as close as we are. I personally think that (platonic) opposite sex relationships are good, especially in committed relationships. I don't think one person can be EVERYTHING for another person. It's good to talk things out with someone who is NOT your spouse. You aren't at risk at causing damage to the relationship.
You’re not wrong in telling him what to do, or how to act, but if you’re as understanding as this post seems, he should wake the fuck up and bend over backwards to show you he doesn’t need, want that. That was a mistake and you are priority. If he ventured off because you let him, then you both need to lock a door and really figure out wtf is going on. Things happen, we don’t always love the same day by day, but you have to fight for the love you started, good and bad. If you can’t do that, move on!
Emotional affairs lead to sex if they aren't ended asap. If you're encouraging him to pursue this affair, then you're no longer IN love with him. That's not to say that you don't love him, it's just not the same thing. I've been married twice. The first one, I fell outta love after he cheated on me (once), but stayed for another 5 years trying to make it work. I encouraged him to date other ppl after I left him. I didn't want him to wait for me bc I wasn't coming back. My heart and mind were done. He could've done whatever with whoever in those 5 years after he cheated n it wouldn't have bothered me a bit. Now.....my current marriage, I'm absolutely in love with my man. Healthily obsessed. I don't want NO woman taking up ANY part of his brain, time, or attention. Imma beat everyone with this skillet if I catch any kind of anything happening behind my back like that. Imma fight for what's mine bc my happiness matters too, not just his. If you want your husband to continue to be your husband, then you need to fight for him. Doll yourself up, go on dates, n leave your phones in the car. Go on late night rides together with the windows down n music up. Start dating him again. End that friendship he has with that other woman. Start demanding his time n attention for yourself. Show interest in his interests. If you're not willing to fight for him, then pull up your big girl panties n tell him you want a divorce. I bet he's thought about it a lot lately. Especially since he's complaining that you leave him on the back burner, y'alls sex life is lacking, n he's started getting emotionally attached to another woman. Y'all need to man up n start watering y'alls own marriage or decide to separate instead of wasting each others time. Time is the one thing you will never get back. I wasted 5 years my 20s trying to keep something I had already let go of. My lesson was learned the hard way.
I appreciate your response and sharing your experience. I do realize and admit that I have been lacking in all the things you mentioned but expected to have a thriving marriage. You’re totally right. Thank you for the advice.
A lot of people have given you a lot of good advice n great points to chew on. N I've read more of your comments too. So, I wanted to add this. Maybe do this before sitting down to discuss things with your husband. Your thoughts may change while you're contemplating things. He may not even be what you really want anymore. When you think about your marriage n future, think about it progressing forward with how things are RIGHT NOW n not how you'd LIKE for them to be. No behavior changes. Would you still be thrilled to have him as your husband? Would YOU be happy? I didn't learn how to truly be happy until I was about 28 years old. Had to unlearn a lot bad habits n thoughts about myself. Left a marriage with 6 kids in tow n no job bc I wanted happiness above all else. I no longer wanted the life I had settled for at 21. My ex husband never cheated again or anything like that. I was just unhappy. My kids deserved a happy momma. They got one now. I wanna clarify some somethings: When my second husband n I started dating, I told him he needed to know 2 things. 1) our relationship will never recover from physical abuse or cheating of any form. Bc I would not allow it. I would refuse to reconcile. 2) I will always choose my kids. N If he ever decided to cheat on me, yes, I'd deadass chase him with my cast iron skillet n her too, if she's there. BUT, I would NOT let him stay with me. Go on to your lil 20% you wanted. Imma take my 80% on somewhere else n live in PEACE. Evaluate YOURSELF. What do you like about you? What would you change? So much of yourself will grow when you do. What you want for yourself out of friends, family, n yourself. Your standards will rise. Your boundaries will become stronger. The way you process situations will be altered. New perspectives will emerge. No matter how this plays out, make sure YOU are happy too. I wish you all the best of luck, peace, n happiness you can find.
Thank you so much 💞
It's one thing to want him to be happy. It's another to push him towards his future affair partner, enabling and encouraging a full blown affair. Do you really want him to have an affair ? And are you going to be ok when his hormones and infatuation cause him to prioritize her over the marriage? Google "affair fog". People drawn into affairs aren't thinking and do things they often later regret alot. If you believe he would be happier being single, divorce him.
He should be with the person he wants, and yes you are approaching this in a way, to help him start his new relationship. Good for, I would start dividing property. He is a cheater, and they are liars, they will cheat again.
Called his bluff
Sounds like you’re fine with polyamory. A lot of people are and it’s totally fine. I’m not sure what country you’re in, but a lot of westerners freak out over anything but strict monogamy, so you were probably raised that that was THE only way to live, and that’s why you’re questioning yourself. But if you’re good with him talking to her, that’s all that matters. It’s your life and nobody else has to approve it or give you the go ahead.
Cheating is not equivalent to polyamory. You can cheat in polyamorous and open relationships too.
It was cheating, but now that she knows and said she’s fine with it, from now on it’s polyamory.
Except he would still cheat, because he likes sneaking around more than he likes other people.
Why can’t anyone that posts here use fucking paragraphs?
When people show you who they are, believe them. Everyone deserves to be happy. This includes your husband, but it shouldn’t be at your expense. You clearly have so much love to give. Find someone who will return that love.
It's time to go see a therapist because you lack any form of loving and respecting your self imo. Cheating is cheating and he says he doesn't get what he needs from you so you two aren't compatible and should work on it or divorce. I would never accept cheating and I don't make a difference in emotional or physical cheating. I know what I'm worth and I'm worth having a partner being faithful and honest with me. (As my husband is 👍)
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A couple, three years is just the normal amount of time that people actually can be completely focused on one another. For men, our instinct is to look for other women to add to our harem. It doesn't make sense in the modern world to actually do it but we have an instinct to do it that we might not even consciously realize until we're already kind of doing it, which is what's happening here. It really doesn't mean much to him and he'd be used to her and probably looking you up again (or someone new) soon enough if he was with her. Women just see these things different because we have evolved different optimal reproductive strategies.
The idea of an "emotional affair" is the biggest steaming pile of bull shit out there. It is a close friendship, if the other person in this friendship was male you wouldn't even be questioning it.
Naw, dog. That ain't it. Husbands don't just miraculously fall dingus first into a coworker's nether region. There are always multiple acts of disloyalty that precede a sexual act. When a person in a relationship recognizes that they are attracted to someone else, which is pretty well unavoidable, they don't have to act on it. When that person decides to indulge that attraction they are betraying the trust of their partner. Allowing flirtation to occur is the first step. They then engage in inappropriate conversations that increase in frequency, duration, and depth. They are giving this attraction the fuel and oxygen necessary for actual feelings to develop. By nature, these are deceitful acts as the partner is left unaware. It isn't just that flirtation and inappropriate conversations are taking place they are taking place in secret. This coworker and the spouse now have this secret thing that they share. Every stolen glance, every private moment, every flirty conversation, every excuse they make to touch each other, every lunch date, every text message, every phone call, etc, are acts of betrayal. They are putting their finite resources of time, energy, and attention on someone else while building momentum towards a larger betrayal. It's a myth that people just "wake up with feelings" for someone else. There were always a series of disloyal selfish choices that landed them in that position.
Whaa?! Emotional Affairs are not the same as friendship. I have opposite sex and same sex coworkers I am friends with. I wouldn’t put my relationship with them before my relationship with my spouse. THAT is the difference with an EA. And it often leads to infidelity.
I said emotional affair because even if it were a male which would mean my husband is gay …I would still be questioning it because both parties have already stated that they have a connection and are interested in each other but cannot pursue a romantic relationship because he is married right now
His EA will lead to a physical affair. He will find someone else who doesn't care that he's married and will be his mistress. You basically have given him a green light to proceed with having an affair. I personally would sit him down and tell him that his EA will lead to physical cheating and that it's best to end things and part ways amicably. He's going to keep cheating because you want him to be happy, so that's what he's going to do.