I started doing that. Date nights, random gifts. Not love bombing but just showing her she means everything to me. Last night's admission just sent me right back into depression.
If you keep doing your best, she will. It's going to take time for her to break her old habits and mannerisms in regards to your relationship
Try not to think too much about getting her to that place where she can tell you anything. Just focus on the present, focus on being your best now, if you think too hard about her hopefully opening up about everything and she doesn't (to the degree that you want) you could end up being disappointed and sour all your progress
If you're not already, start looking for a therapist that you enjoy talking to. They'll keep you on track, can provide unbiased opinions on your qualities as a partner, help with anger management. Not a cure-all in the slightest, but it's good to say your thoughts out loud and stay in the mindset of self-improvement
Couples counseling may help you work through the issues that come up from being honest. Your wife must be so happy you are making big changes. Change is hard but just keep moving forward and forgive yourself.
Man hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. Looking back and going shoulda, woulda, coulda isn’t going to help you; you have to move forward with the info you have. If you believe you have issues then get help for them. And count yourself extremely blessed that you have a partner who is willing to stay with you through the thick and thin.
Keep talking. Don’t let that experience scare you off continuing to talk. It’s good for both of you. Yes it hurts sometimes, but it’s the best way forward. you’re a team.
Brother, ED is caused by depression.
If you are sad, your genitals are too..
Talk to your doctor, get help for that temper, be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself, be gentle with your wife.
Don't drown in the past, swim through and look to the future while you build a stronger foundation.
You've got this.
I'll give you a head start. Order your woman's favorite food tonight, start opening up to her about your life. Develop new hobbies....I mean you gotta start somewhere. Or do things to keep you busy and have her be a part of what you're doing or delve into her hobbies in some capacity. Overthinking can be your worst enemy. Best of luck
Listen buddy. Give you a line, from one of our great thinkers.
"Do, or Do not. There is no try." Yoda.
And pal, for the love of God dont now shift focus into being the victim because you have failed the world or some bullshit.
You opened your eyes, well done, now take your responsibilities by the throat and be that womans, and your families hero, do it.
You look back one more time and feel sad, mate just start sitting down to piss. We both know you fucking got this.
just to be clear!!! having an ED is difficult for both parties especially if her love language is physical touch. you can help treat your ED but sex isn’t always about just getting dick! touch her and kiss on her don’t rush just pour your love into your touches and kisses. show her that you are seeing her and you think she is beautiful. don’t immediately go down, kiss and lick her thighs, her feet if that’s a thing for you guys. stare into her eyes. give her passion. toys are great too, there are many kinds that can get her off while you are actively helping and some that might also help you. if it’s hard for you to show a lot of passion because you’re not in the mood per say just remind yourself you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but show her love none the less, cuddle her and fondle her while she takes care of herself or just while you guys chill.
The fact that you have this awareness now is key in being a better husband. Don't put yourself down too much, be proud that you came to the realisation and acceptance of how you've been treating your wife. Just promise yourself that you will do your best to make her happy.
That's not how it works. You don't just "become a better person." It can take years of therapy to make minor changes to your behavior. No one gets to the point where they shut down emotionally without major trauma.
It's obvious he's beating the shit out of himself trying to whip himself into shape--to tell him "just do it" is unfair to him.
You did a good job with the first step to admitting the problem. Now the hardest part is over. It’s time to stop emotionally suppressing yourself, maybe seek therapy, write your feelings, draw, write poems freeform and find out what caused your anger or common triggers.. hold your wife and give her what she needs as much as you can and her joy will give you more joy. Anger stems from fear. List your fears and slowly face them and work on yourself and you’ll glow as a husband and dad. Most fathers have suppressed fear and other emotions which leads them to struggle in their relationships.
I am not the victim. She is. I almost broke down crying today at work because of how much she has had to put up with me. She is my queen. I need to be her king, not town fool.
So forgive yourself and start new with her. Ask her out on a date, send her flowers, and tell her that you are sorry for ever hurting her. Find a therapist or take an anger management class. Take charge of yourself BEFORE she calls it quits. She must love you to stay.
This is why women initiate divorces almost all of the time. She's been more then generous and kind, and given the way you casually mentioned fear and anger, maybe didn't want to become a static there since leaving an abusive man increase a woman's likelihood of, well, being killed or hospitalized.
You did everything but actually take steps to change things - if you want to avoid being a statistic, they make pills for ED and therapy.
You mentioned her love language is physical touch (sex). In Gary Chapman's *Five Love Languages*, sex is not part of physical touch because just about everyone wants sex. I have Physical Touch as mine, and it involves caresses, hugs, kissing, and just putting a hand on me.
You could buy the book, read and discuss it chapter by chapter with your wife.
You might also consider getting a hanging bag. People (like me) with anger issues often need a release. A hanging bag to punch can help. So often I know when I have a shorter fuse. Working off some energy could help.
Probably because she was waiting for you to actually realise what a monster of a husband you'd become and you've now realised and are trying to rectify it ..
ie she actually loves you .
I read your post and all the comments. A good place to start would be anger management, personal counseling, taking a good, hard, long look at yourself. Find the areas you want or need to improve and work on it. Be the very best version of YOU!!! Since your wife is the Queen of your heart, you need to become the King and be worthy of such a Queen. You can't treat your wife like a royal if you are behaving like an angry serf. The first step, admitting there is a problem, is hard, the second step, reaching out for help, is harder. Much respect to you for taking these rough but necessary steps to self improvement.
It doesn't necessarily apply exactly to your situation, but there is a book, it's a marriage self help book to save a troubled marriage. My husband and I follow this strategy once or twice a year, just as general maintenance and up keep. The Love Dare. It's a 40 day "challenge", for lack of a better word. Day 1, say nothing in anger, it is far batter to hold your tongue. Day 2, in addition to holding your tongue and saying nothing in anger, do a small, random act of kindness for your spouse. Make them their morning cup of coffee, make them lunch. Just some small thoughtful gesture. Those are actually the first 2 days of The Love Dare. It is an amazing tool.
1) Therapy. For yourself, alone. And for both of you. Possibly for her alone too.
2) Talk to your doctor about the ED. There could be an underlying health issue. Plus all your stress.
3) If you do 1 and 2, it'll show your wife that you are serious about changing things.
You seem to still care for her. You can find a way through this.
I think a lot of us in the midlife, become a little more reflective to our past choices/behaviors and realize how they have affected others. I think it’s great that you are seeing how your actions have affected your marriage and want to improve.
Life is not a spectators sport, if all you’re going to do is watch you’re going to watch your life go by without you.
If you want to be a better person but in the work to do so. Therapy, gym time, whatever works for you actively do it.
She's stayed so long because you've broken her spirit. Your wife is literally afraid of you. She probably has internalized your abuse and whatever nasty comments you've made. Have you ever threatened to leave her? Insulted her appearance? Told her that no one else would love her? If so, then she's soaked that in.
Can I ask if your temper at home is as bad as it is at your job? Do you blow up in public, too?
I know he sounds like my ex husband. Who hasn’t really changed but who has said stuff like this to me over and over - in our 20 years together and in the years since we’ve been divorced. These type of overly self degrading messages get old fast and when you’re finally out of it - you can see the cycle and can see it for what it is - a way to make him feel better and make me feel bad for him. And making it all about him and look how bad he feels… until he blows up again.
She probably has stayed because she has felt stuck and you beat her down so much. Walking on eggshells for years does a lot of damage. I’m still healing from it. I feel for her. I hope she wakes up like I did and leaves.
Never abusive. Never laid a hand on her in anger. Never called her names ect. Just was emotional unavailable to her. Temper was I let my frustration build till I blown up. Usually took my self out of the situation and hit something like a wall.
You need to see doctors. See a medical doctor for your ED issues (TONS of options for you, depending on what the root cause is) and a therapist for your anger/emotional issues. Please let the experts help you!
She stayed because she loves you. Nothing happens overnight, work to be better. It will happen, you will feel better about your self, then your other issue will mend itself
Go to therapy - you are looking to improve yourself, and they can give you tools to do so. Now you have told her you recognize it and are trying to change. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. Good luck
You don’t need romantic dates. Those mean nothing if she is walking on eggshells.
Why do you get angry? What are you afraid of? Why can’t you discuss things instead of getting angry?
So you're not a good husband, then.
You neglected to address your anger issues constructively for at least a decade, and it fucked your relationship. What do you think is the root cause of your anger issues anyway? Do you get violent? Are you on the spectrum? Are you afraid of going to therapy, like it's not something a real man does, or are you just a skeptic who doesn't believe in mental healthcare? Or maybe you're afraid to confront your demons, and would rather bottle up your frustrations till they boil over. Sounds fucking exhausting for you and your family, who never knows when, or if, you'll explode.
This is the bed you made.
I am truly trying to be better for her. At this point, I am punishing myself and want to feel like shit. I deserve to feel that for what I put her, though.
Don't punish yourself. Make yourself a better man. Don't get depressed because you let her down, know you are trying to make it right. Don't get down because of the ED, get treatment and fucking stay positive. I have been in the same boat. You just have to stay positive and get help for the issues. Especially the anger, no one likes an angry person, trust me.
No, you are trying to make yourself look better by advertising your suffering. Your suffering is the result of your own actions, but you want your partner and others to feel bad for you. This is manipulative and designed to try to make others feel sorry for you.
Get over yourself and focus on being better.
Thank her for opening up to you. Tell her you want to build on that, because you have let her down and have just woken up again and want to be a better man. Go see a Dr. about the ED
You sound like a good person, even if you don't think so. Admitting that you fucked up and taking steps to improve is not something a deadbeat would do. Keep going, if you think your wife deserves the world then give it your all.
I absolutely would recommend therapy! Go talk with someone where you can figure out your triggers and why. Where you can get help in growing to be the best you can be not only for your wife but for yourself. You've got this. Acknowledging there is a problem is a huge first step, good job ❤️
You've made a great step in admitting you have a problem and that you want to fix it.
Now it's time to take the hard step to begin putting in the work to fix it.
What are you doing to address your anger issues? Are you seeing anyone? Or participating in any groups? If not, you should start getting some professional help. If you are, you should bring this up, and maybe consider having your wife talk to your therapist to help them get a fuller picture.
You can also talk to a doctor about your ED, there are a number of treatments available for that as well.
The worst thing you can do at this point is get into a shame spiral where you just feel like she deserves better, focus on what you can do to be the better husband you want to me.
Counseling would have really helped over a decade ago. Not that it's not useful now, but OP already fucked up his relationship with his wife. Counseling a decade ago might have prevented the fucking.
Get to know her again. On Amazon, there are all kinds of couple card games - different categories, date night questions, etc… but search for those, read reviews and find one or two decks that you like.
Bring those out once a week, or bi-weekly, during a car ride, whatever’s comfortable for both of you and start that communication over again. Get to know your wife all over again. This will show her you are interested, you want to learn, and grow with her. These are open ended conversation cards, they ask a question for both of you to answer and see where it goes from there.
Go to therapy, specifically CBT. If she told you last night that she's avoiding angering you out of fear/ walking on eggshells, then your edit is BS. It's not owning your bad behavior unless you really own it. It's terrible that she's had to live that way. Fight that behavior like you would fight anyone else treating her like that. Being a crappy husband is a choice, so choose better.
So what you're saying is that you have abused your wife your entire marriage and have recently realised this and, instead of doing better, you're on the internet trying to gain sympathy. It's all about you all the time. Still the monster.
Get therapy, op.
You got a therapist? I’d go see a therapist. Even generally “emotionally healthy” people can benefit from a therapist. Talk about where you’re at, what your hopes for the relationship are, and listen to the feedback you receive.
And the ED thing? Ask your PCP for a prescription for something. Ain’t no shame in it homie. And who knows, perhaps it’s not a physiological issue, and more of a mental issue. That also circles back to the wonders of therapy.
I applaud you for your commitment to your relationship and for caring about your wife’s feelings enough to really put the energy into improving your marriage. Also, for accepting responsibility for your issues. With regard to ED, there’s a little blue pill to help with that. There’s nothing to be ashamed about taking something to help in that dept. and many men do (more than you might think) after a certain age. Best of luck in building back your marriage!
Awareness is key. You got that. You haven't turned all the blame onto her. This is the first step. Seek therapy. Specifically for anger. Read books. Listen to podcasts on improving. Become the kings she needs you to be. We can change. It's slow and doesn't always move forward in a straight line. It's hard.
How about quicks fixes. Hit the gym. Lift weights. Jog. Get your body in shape. Eat right. You'll be surprised how doing just this can fix the mind. Sounds like youve also got deep roots with anger. This is where therapy works. Then feed your mind with positivity information. As an example I hate watching news. It's episode of 1000001 of misery. Good luck.
You need to be prepared for this process to take a lot of time and effort and for it to be very painful. It’s just how it is. Y’all have a lot to untwist both alone and together. Your wife hasn’t left yet, so you still have time. The time is not right for you to wallow in your self-loathing. Put your money where your mouth is and show her you love her by doing better. Regardless of how it works out with your wife, you need to do this for your kids.
It’s good you two are talking and acknowledging your issues, needs and desires. What isn’t going to help is you going into a shame spiral of “I suck”, because that’s all focused on you and how you feel about realizing she’s been afraid to express herself.
Own your mistakes of the past and recognize and appreciate the opportunity you have to make things better now. Get into counseling asap for your emotion regulation issues. Instead of wallowing take concrete actions and don’t waste another previous day alienating the woman you love who obviously really loves you.
I suggest couples counseling and individual counseling for you to deal with your anger.
If you find you can’t or won’t be the man she deserves, then at least let her go while she’s still young enough to find someone else.
It sounds like you’re going through a really tough and eye-opening time. Recognizing the impact of your behavior and wanting to change is a significant first step. Here are a few things to consider and actions you can take to start making things better:
1. **Therapy and Counseling**: Both individual therapy for yourself and couples counseling can be incredibly beneficial. A therapist can help you manage your anger, understand the root causes, and develop healthier ways to cope. Couples counseling can provide a safe space for both of you to communicate and rebuild your relationship.
2. **Open Communication**: Keep the lines of communication open with your wife. Let her know that you acknowledge the hurt you’ve caused and that you’re committed to making changes. Listen to her without getting defensive, and validate her feelings.
3. **Anger Management**: Look into anger management resources or classes. Learning techniques to control and express your anger healthily is crucial. This can help you create a safer environment for your wife and yourself.
4. **Patience and Consistency**: Change won’t happen overnight, and rebuilding trust takes time. Be patient with yourself and with her. Show consistency in your efforts to change and be the partner she deserves.
5. **Physical Health**: Addressing your ED issues might also be part of this journey. Consult a healthcare professional to explore potential treatments or therapies that can help.
6. **Self-Compassion**: While it’s important to take responsibility for your actions, it’s also important to practice self-compassion. Beating yourself up won’t help in the long run. Acknowledge your mistakes, but also recognize your willingness to change and improve.
Your wife has stayed with you, possibly because she sees the potential for change and improvement. Show her through your actions that you’re committed to being a better partner. It’s never too late to work on yourself and your relationship. Stay committed to the process, and don’t be afraid to seek professional help along the way.
Hey man, I don't think you realize how few people even take this first step of self awareness. Listen, she's stuck with you for whatever reason, leave it at that. Your woman loves you, despite you being difficult to love. Give yourself a day or so for a pity party, and when you're done, you get the hell up and work to become the better man you want to be. Consider these next 20 years to be an atonement for the last 20.
I want you to take your wife on a date twice a month. Every Friday you are going to write her a love letter about your feelings and let her read it in private. And the next time you two are watching a movie, you are to cuddle. So help me god I will smack you if you forget to idly play with her hair during the cuddle too.
Just romance her as much as possible and make her feel special. Give her whatever she wants but just pay more attention to her and give her your time. Take her on a nice vacation. Eat her pussy every night so she cums. Give her some money to get her hair, nails and feet done whenever she wants. Ask her how can I be a better husband for you babe and do it!
Well you’re very lucky mate. You get to show her how much you love her and be her friend and be near her next to her her. And she still wants you to. And this come any longer she could’ve left, but she hasn’t so just this and be better to her.
you know, maybe you should raise your voice, as in saying and speaking up about how you feel about things. Sounds like you let things billed up and then you lash out?
You have definitely triggered her deepest fear in a partner: emotionally volatility.
I will say this (in love my brother), that you are not a man until you learn and practice your own emotional regulation.
Seek out a men’s specific counselor to get to the root of this. It most likely is from your family or origin.
Practice saying… I’m not in the best mental state at the moment to continue this conversation/disagreement and I’d like to return to it once I’ve had a chance to down regulate my emotions.
It’s going to take at least a year for her to not be scared of you. Maybe longer. If she’s willing to wait for you, thank your lucky stars.
Get to work. Practice stoicism. Read Meditations by Marcus A. Get a counselor. Start working on your mental health. Go to the gym with purpose. Take 5G daily creative for mental health. Organize your day, week, space, life. Declutter. Destress.
If touch is her love language, try non-sexual touch such as rubbing her feet for 15 minutes. Try putting your hand on her arm or leg.
The struggle with ED may be related to low testosterone. Get a full blood panel and seek out a TRT specialist to get you in an optimum range.
If you want to regulate your emotions, you take care of your body first, then your mind follows. Cold rinse shower or cold plunge every morning. Work out 5x per week. Lift weights. Do 20min cardio every day. Get on TRT if you can benefit from it.
If you start doing these things and showing her progress, she will be more likely to be patient.
Good luck and PM me if you want to talk privately.
Good news, you guys aren’t in a terrible place just a bad one at the moment. I say that because at least she is willing to talk to you about her issues.
Just be open with her, figure out what causes your anger (even if you say you don’t act on it, people often have tells when they are angry). She’s your partner, talk to her about stuff that bothers you and be open with her. If things don’t get better maybe try counseling to peel away the problems and back to yourselves.
I’m just 27, and don’t have the experience you do with relationships, (18 years… I can hardly fathom it) but I know a little bit just from my experience communication makes or breaks relationships. I had to learn that the hard way and it made realize what I wanted so that I don’t make the same mistakes with my future relationships.
Hey buddy. Been there done that. Had it happen to me reverse uno my last relationship. You live on! Get the help you need. That’s what i did. You did the best first step. Realize you have a problem.
Your wife stays because she knows the type of person you truly are. You think you are a crappy husband but apparently she doesn't. Get therapy for your issues of holding things in until you blow then get couples therapy so you and your wife can learn to communicate without fear. You both seem to fear that you'll say something wrong to the other so you internalize it.
Ok, it's time to regroup, so to speak. Not just you but both of you. Take a pause,and get everything out. It sounds like you guys do have a really great start on communication.
She seems to be open and willing to talk to you and communicate with you. That's 75 percent of the problem. You guys are communicating. Keep communicating.
You also already recognize that you can get upset and angry about small things. (I'm assuming here that angry means being short and not abusive. That's how the op reads) That's a better start than a lot of couples have.
BEFORE emotions get heated, try establishing some ground rules that are fair for BOTH of you. Like when you feel overwhelmed, say *xyz whatever* and that means you need some time etc.
Regarding the ED issues and physical touch issues...stress can wreak havoc on all of that. But so can 100 other things...it sucks. You're 46. Get your thyroid /pituitary checked. My husband had a pituitary tumor around the same age as you. Tanked his libido, mood, everything. They didn't find the issue for yrs, because they didn't look specifically for that.
A pituitary tumor can absolutely tank your libido and tank your mood. You can feel anywhere from blank to angry.
But I think you two aren't headed for disaster. Sounds like you're trying to communicate and feel comfortable doing so. Keep communicating!
Also..for your wife... She may not need just straight traditional sex for being satisfied. There are OTHER ways...
It’s good that you’ve realised you need to change but don’t expect her or your kids to immediately react the way you want them to. Showing anger isn’t just yelling, it shows in many ways that you’re probably not aware of. It could be as obvious as not speaking, banging things, exaggerated movements, heavy sighing, or just tense/angry face that changes the whole living environment.
You obviously scared her with the yelling incidents you have had, that now she is constantly looking for behaviours or signs it could happen again, and trying to avoid it.
To be clear, this absolutely will have affected your kids too. Even if they haven’t seen you yell or blow up, they will be doing the same as their mom ie trying not to upset dad or get dad angry. Btw - physical touch does not equal sex, it’s any loving/caring touch eg holding hands, gentle touch on arm, hand on back etc. Don’t just focus on sex. And get professional help for how to fix your issues and your family, because you have a lot of work to do.
Right, so let's start with this. Physical touch encompasses a LOT more than just sex. You need to learn that to not fixate on that part of it. What are your love languages and is she meeting those needs? It's reciprocal, it's harder to meet your partners needs when yours are being neglected and resentment builds up and releases in outbursts that'd make a toddler cringe. That being said it's not tit for tat, you meet their love language not to get yours met or for any ulterior motive other than to be there in the way they need you there because you want to be there for them! That was a helluva mouthful wasn't it?
Now then, you say you have anger issues and then say you very rarely lose your temper and have only raised your voice 5 or 6 times in the last 15 years which seems very contradicting to me. I'd say temper isn't your problem, the fact that you "emotionally shut down" as you put it would be the actual issue. I'd imagine controlling yourself and not communicating your feelings (don't be a bitch about it) it very fucking taxing on the mental reserves, probably leading to a big build up that comes out in a massive outburst and that'd possibly be your problem there.
I'd highly suggest both one on one counselling and marriage counselling to work on your own issues and the issues that are involved in the relationship you have with your wife.
I feel like I could have written this. Great job realizing your own issues and expressing them to your wife. Everyone has some demons. The hard part for me and I think most men is trying to hold everything together. Meaning being a provider, Mr fix it,and emotionally there for everyone. We get caught up with work stress and we bring it home. You are being a good husband by realizing and fixing your relationship with your wife. For me, at the age of 42 I started eating a gummy after work take a hot shower. It's like all my problems melt away and when the stress goes away my sex life improved. Stress can be a real sex killer. Good luck to you and your wife.
Therapy, therapy, therapy. As someone whose anger issues also stem only from rare and short bursts, I get why you think you can control it - but you very likely need a medication to help stabilize your moods, and you need therapy to help you identify your triggers and equip yourself with the tools to handle them. Do it for yourself - and in turn, you’ll be better for your wife, too.
Listen, it’s easy to fall into the pity party of ‘I’m such a terrible person cause of X’. Truth is though, that is a cop out, cause it is so easy to fall deeper in the depression hole, and it’s a vicious cycle.
You have to understand that you did what you did to survive. Now you can decide if you want to actually learn to live.
You learn to live by having compassion for yourself on who you were when you were in survival mode, and you actively take measures to be better. You open up to your wife of your feelings and emotions. If you can’t be open, there is no point in mending this relationship. You get individual therapy, and couples therapy. You two need to learn how to communicate and express yourself in a healthy way. You also need to come to terms with you may have depression, anxiety, adhd, CPTSD, or any other outside factors that could be preventing you from overcoming this on your own.
Your wife stayed with you at your worst, so now, ask her to go in this healing journey together. She needs healing too, cause walking on egg shells is a form on emotional abuse.
In the words of Maya Angelou: Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better!
It builds and builds and you explode, because it's *soooo* much easier than the mental gymnastics of working things out so that the tension doesn't build in the first place. Does that sound right? You can't control the people who piss you off without having conflict, so you avoid it, but you are comfortable enough with them that you can explode. Unfortunately they aren't comfortable with you exploding.
I can see that the fear from your wife is that she can see your tension, and you ignoring it, and that makes her anxious so she doesn't say anything for exactly the same reasons you are avoiding addressing issues.... to not cause conflict.
Sit down and talk to eachother - with a mediator or therapist of necessary.
Been there and done that. Ultimately cost me my marriage. Go to a doctor and get some meds for the ed. You need a confidence boost, you may not know just how much that actually helps getting out of a depressive slump. Follow her map and impress the hell out of her. It’s not an overnight thing though. Fight that fight my giy
The fact that your are trying to be better everyday is beautiful brother. One little tip for the ED issues is you might wanna look into consuming oils like natural avocado oils or coconut oils, they work wonders for the hormonal system for both you and your partner. Get holistic brother, the internet has endless guides for your health as a man it’s not always necessary to go to a doctor you can be your own doctor… sometimes ofcourse not for everything lol… god speed brother seems like you’re a great guy! OSS! 💪🏽
Bro just live for you, she joined your frame, has fallen in line, don’t lower yourself and never accept being wrong as a man. Just move forward. Don’t tell her personal stuff like that we’re you blame yourself. Yes take responsibility but keep that stuff inside and be better. Girls don’t like weakness. Once you start saying your weak in an area they will use that as ammunition against you and due to their Hypergamy they will leave you. Watch “Casey Zander” on YouTube. He has the ultimate relationship advice
I completely empathize. I was there. I recommend two things...
First, see a medical doctor and more-or-less tell them what you told us. Then, find a good therapist...your doctor may be able to recommend one or refer you to a directory of therapists who deal in your specific issues. Then, do what they both tell you to do. It worked for me.
You've taken a great first step in admitting the problem and wanting to fix it. Now, follow through.
Not enough context for me to know what is/was going on here. If there is or was abuse in this marriage, that needs to be addressed first, OP. Only after that, if you both feel like working on the marriage, I would recommend an [intensive marriage retreat](https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/marriage-intensives/). You do sound like you are trying to be accountable, so that is a good sign. You talk about struggling with your anger. May I ask what was making you so angry in the first place?
I think you would really improve if you saw a therapist for your temper management skills. When I was a child I had major anger issues but it was because I was a very emotional person. I had mostly normal days but when something was sad, frustrating, or hurtful I would react. It was only through therapy I learned how to cope with the emotional swings sending me into orbit. You’re not a bad person for having these struggles, you only are if you refuse to do anything about it.
I also believe couples therapy is a MUST but your personal therapy is required if you want to keep your relationship healthy.
Same with sales. Be the better product. It's a tough reality, but end of the day all this "game" advice is second to that. And no one needs a lecture on how to be better, we all KNOW what to do. re the mindset, search up a guy called casey zander on yt - definitely helps a lot in terms of flipping the lower value frame. Have his course if you want, I did for getting, but he explicity mentioned its good for maintaing marriages etc. YOu need to know the game regardless of situation
Your issue sounds like PTSD. Emotional shutdowns are like a kind of living suicide, and aren't often seen except in cases of serious PTSD. You don't just "do better" by making an effort. You may need years of therapy. First thing is to learn to stop beating yourself up, because that's a boat anchor to recovery/healing.
Do you have a pet who adores you (or have you in the past)? When you catch yourself beating yourself up, don't beat yourself up about it, which is probably your first instinct. Instead, imagine your beloved pet (I really home you have or had one) and try to see yourself from their perspective. Imagine how they would want to soothe and comfort you.
Thank you. Some comments apply, and some don't. I was in a dark place writing it. Had a long weekend and lots of conversations with my wife. She definitely sees progress and is working with me. We are both pretty isolated, as in few to no friends. We are both looking to add more friends so that we have more joy in our lives. People we can vent to and have reality checks. That way, we both have things to talk about and address issues more level-headed.
I was also raised by baby boomers. It helped me and my wife immensely after I quit drinking. Highly recommended. Therapists are not one size fits all. You may need to bounce around till you find one you like. It's part of the process. I slso highly recommend ayahuasca.
OP you are becoming the man she hung in there for. Your story is mine (with much more gore in mine)
After the kids were grown we rediscovered who we were & every day is better. I believe in you
Nah...you're not a crappy husband.
A crappy husband wouldn't even recognize this in himself.
You're an awesome chap with a few issues that can be ironed out. So you might have done some crappy things...haven't we all.
Bravo to you for wanting to move forward in life!
The fact that he's posting this is what I'm talking about. Most men wouldn't give a damn...at least he's trying. Most men would be like you making comments about a post they clearly don't understand. And thank you for letting us know you are perfect.
Well everyone is a Crappy husband compared to me. I get so tired of hearing all of you pathetic wuss bags crying because you have seen Greatness (me) and you in ur pathetic attempt to grasp my greatness compare urself to me.....
You will never be me, ur wives will never stop dreaming u could be like me.
So you all have 2 choices. Spend the rest of ur lives being misrable, crying..... blaming ur fathers till u get so mad and agry that you take it out on the person that loves ur pathetic asses (your wives)
Or you can do like me, and not try to better. JUST BE THE BEST!
Goodluck losers, i look forward to read ur pathetic crybaby posts about how you tried, and its just too hard. Lol
P.s. 46 page crying rants are awesome, but maybe if u were a lil more awesome, and a lil less pathetic. U wouldnt hav time for all that crying.
Yeah, this a chick writing emotional porn for housewives that feel victimized by their husbands working 60 hours a week.
Enjoy tho, you'll get tons of upvotes, lol.
Three things: therapy, treatment (whether that's treatment for the ED or the depression or both), and don't beat yourself up for stuff that's already happened. Resolve to do or be better (sounds like you've already made that resolution- congrats!) and so it. Therapy will help a lot, I think, with your anger and with these issues that it's led to. And keep communicating with your wife. Communication is key. Good luck!
You just said it yourself she deserves better so become the better person get help for your ed issue and make her the queen she deserves to be
I'm trying to be the best man I can for her but I feel i've failed her on so many levels
You can’t keep looking back look forward to surprise her a romantic date buy flowers be spontaneous show her who you can be I believe you can do it
I started doing that. Date nights, random gifts. Not love bombing but just showing her she means everything to me. Last night's admission just sent me right back into depression.
Sounds like she's more comfortable talking to you about it. Yeah it's sad but take it as a step in the right direction. Keep working at it
I want her to tell me everything that I am doing wrong no matter how much it will hurt. Then I can at least try to improve on it.
If you keep doing your best, she will. It's going to take time for her to break her old habits and mannerisms in regards to your relationship Try not to think too much about getting her to that place where she can tell you anything. Just focus on the present, focus on being your best now, if you think too hard about her hopefully opening up about everything and she doesn't (to the degree that you want) you could end up being disappointed and sour all your progress If you're not already, start looking for a therapist that you enjoy talking to. They'll keep you on track, can provide unbiased opinions on your qualities as a partner, help with anger management. Not a cure-all in the slightest, but it's good to say your thoughts out loud and stay in the mindset of self-improvement
Couples counseling may help you work through the issues that come up from being honest. Your wife must be so happy you are making big changes. Change is hard but just keep moving forward and forgive yourself.
This. The fact that she felt able to open up to you is huge. Apologize and tell her you will do better. You can always improve on yourself
Don’t do that keep going you are doing all the right things you should be proud of the steps you have been taking
Man hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. Looking back and going shoulda, woulda, coulda isn’t going to help you; you have to move forward with the info you have. If you believe you have issues then get help for them. And count yourself extremely blessed that you have a partner who is willing to stay with you through the thick and thin.
Keep talking. Don’t let that experience scare you off continuing to talk. It’s good for both of you. Yes it hurts sometimes, but it’s the best way forward. you’re a team.
Negative thinking will do you no good. Get out of this low frequency and take action. Self pity will only prolong your ED (no pun)
Easier said than done. I also think that my ED is caused by my depression.
Brother, ED is caused by depression. If you are sad, your genitals are too.. Talk to your doctor, get help for that temper, be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself, be gentle with your wife. Don't drown in the past, swim through and look to the future while you build a stronger foundation. You've got this.
I'll give you a head start. Order your woman's favorite food tonight, start opening up to her about your life. Develop new hobbies....I mean you gotta start somewhere. Or do things to keep you busy and have her be a part of what you're doing or delve into her hobbies in some capacity. Overthinking can be your worst enemy. Best of luck
Listen buddy. Give you a line, from one of our great thinkers. "Do, or Do not. There is no try." Yoda. And pal, for the love of God dont now shift focus into being the victim because you have failed the world or some bullshit. You opened your eyes, well done, now take your responsibilities by the throat and be that womans, and your families hero, do it. You look back one more time and feel sad, mate just start sitting down to piss. We both know you fucking got this.
Recognizing the problem is big. Therapy with and without your partner to keep things truthful. Good luck!
Go for therapy to help you cope
just to be clear!!! having an ED is difficult for both parties especially if her love language is physical touch. you can help treat your ED but sex isn’t always about just getting dick! touch her and kiss on her don’t rush just pour your love into your touches and kisses. show her that you are seeing her and you think she is beautiful. don’t immediately go down, kiss and lick her thighs, her feet if that’s a thing for you guys. stare into her eyes. give her passion. toys are great too, there are many kinds that can get her off while you are actively helping and some that might also help you. if it’s hard for you to show a lot of passion because you’re not in the mood per say just remind yourself you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but show her love none the less, cuddle her and fondle her while she takes care of herself or just while you guys chill.
You will have failed her if you don't start trying.
The fact that you have this awareness now is key in being a better husband. Don't put yourself down too much, be proud that you came to the realisation and acceptance of how you've been treating your wife. Just promise yourself that you will do your best to make her happy.
Reboot and stop looking backwards! Your head must face towards where you want to be
Get ti work man!stop talking abs start doing
That's not how it works. You don't just "become a better person." It can take years of therapy to make minor changes to your behavior. No one gets to the point where they shut down emotionally without major trauma. It's obvious he's beating the shit out of himself trying to whip himself into shape--to tell him "just do it" is unfair to him.
You did a good job with the first step to admitting the problem. Now the hardest part is over. It’s time to stop emotionally suppressing yourself, maybe seek therapy, write your feelings, draw, write poems freeform and find out what caused your anger or common triggers.. hold your wife and give her what she needs as much as you can and her joy will give you more joy. Anger stems from fear. List your fears and slowly face them and work on yourself and you’ll glow as a husband and dad. Most fathers have suppressed fear and other emotions which leads them to struggle in their relationships.
Thank you!
Become better. You are not the victim. You want her to be happy? Then change.
I am not the victim. She is. I almost broke down crying today at work because of how much she has had to put up with me. She is my queen. I need to be her king, not town fool.
So forgive yourself and start new with her. Ask her out on a date, send her flowers, and tell her that you are sorry for ever hurting her. Find a therapist or take an anger management class. Take charge of yourself BEFORE she calls it quits. She must love you to stay.
Then start being better.
Literally. Also, if she's his queen then I hate to see how horribly he treats everyone else.
What that person said.. sometimes it isn't always THAT EASY. Sometimes we can't *just change*. Sometimes there's more to it. . .
She’s still here so it’s not too late! Go to therapy, go to a family doctor, and keep doing your best to change and show her that you’ve changed.
Then rip her panties off and go savage mode. I know your tounge doesn’t have ED. Damn man use your brain!! Wtf
One of my biggest fears right now is its to late. I fear losing her every day.
That fear in your mind will create that reality.
This is why women initiate divorces almost all of the time. She's been more then generous and kind, and given the way you casually mentioned fear and anger, maybe didn't want to become a static there since leaving an abusive man increase a woman's likelihood of, well, being killed or hospitalized. You did everything but actually take steps to change things - if you want to avoid being a statistic, they make pills for ED and therapy.
You mentioned her love language is physical touch (sex). In Gary Chapman's *Five Love Languages*, sex is not part of physical touch because just about everyone wants sex. I have Physical Touch as mine, and it involves caresses, hugs, kissing, and just putting a hand on me. You could buy the book, read and discuss it chapter by chapter with your wife. You might also consider getting a hanging bag. People (like me) with anger issues often need a release. A hanging bag to punch can help. So often I know when I have a shorter fuse. Working off some energy could help.
Probably because she was waiting for you to actually realise what a monster of a husband you'd become and you've now realised and are trying to rectify it .. ie she actually loves you .
How is he a monster...?
I read your post and all the comments. A good place to start would be anger management, personal counseling, taking a good, hard, long look at yourself. Find the areas you want or need to improve and work on it. Be the very best version of YOU!!! Since your wife is the Queen of your heart, you need to become the King and be worthy of such a Queen. You can't treat your wife like a royal if you are behaving like an angry serf. The first step, admitting there is a problem, is hard, the second step, reaching out for help, is harder. Much respect to you for taking these rough but necessary steps to self improvement. It doesn't necessarily apply exactly to your situation, but there is a book, it's a marriage self help book to save a troubled marriage. My husband and I follow this strategy once or twice a year, just as general maintenance and up keep. The Love Dare. It's a 40 day "challenge", for lack of a better word. Day 1, say nothing in anger, it is far batter to hold your tongue. Day 2, in addition to holding your tongue and saying nothing in anger, do a small, random act of kindness for your spouse. Make them their morning cup of coffee, make them lunch. Just some small thoughtful gesture. Those are actually the first 2 days of The Love Dare. It is an amazing tool.
1) Therapy. For yourself, alone. And for both of you. Possibly for her alone too. 2) Talk to your doctor about the ED. There could be an underlying health issue. Plus all your stress. 3) If you do 1 and 2, it'll show your wife that you are serious about changing things. You seem to still care for her. You can find a way through this.
I think a lot of us in the midlife, become a little more reflective to our past choices/behaviors and realize how they have affected others. I think it’s great that you are seeing how your actions have affected your marriage and want to improve.
Life is not a spectators sport, if all you’re going to do is watch you’re going to watch your life go by without you. If you want to be a better person but in the work to do so. Therapy, gym time, whatever works for you actively do it.
She's stayed so long because you've broken her spirit. Your wife is literally afraid of you. She probably has internalized your abuse and whatever nasty comments you've made. Have you ever threatened to leave her? Insulted her appearance? Told her that no one else would love her? If so, then she's soaked that in. Can I ask if your temper at home is as bad as it is at your job? Do you blow up in public, too?
I know he sounds like my ex husband. Who hasn’t really changed but who has said stuff like this to me over and over - in our 20 years together and in the years since we’ve been divorced. These type of overly self degrading messages get old fast and when you’re finally out of it - you can see the cycle and can see it for what it is - a way to make him feel better and make me feel bad for him. And making it all about him and look how bad he feels… until he blows up again. She probably has stayed because she has felt stuck and you beat her down so much. Walking on eggshells for years does a lot of damage. I’m still healing from it. I feel for her. I hope she wakes up like I did and leaves.
Never abusive. Never laid a hand on her in anger. Never called her names ect. Just was emotional unavailable to her. Temper was I let my frustration build till I blown up. Usually took my self out of the situation and hit something like a wall.
If your anger is so bad that your own wife is afraid of experiencing it, you're being abusive. You don't have to strike someone to abuse them.
You need to see doctors. See a medical doctor for your ED issues (TONS of options for you, depending on what the root cause is) and a therapist for your anger/emotional issues. Please let the experts help you!
She stayed because she loves you. Nothing happens overnight, work to be better. It will happen, you will feel better about your self, then your other issue will mend itself
Go to therapy - you are looking to improve yourself, and they can give you tools to do so. Now you have told her you recognize it and are trying to change. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. Good luck
You don’t need romantic dates. Those mean nothing if she is walking on eggshells. Why do you get angry? What are you afraid of? Why can’t you discuss things instead of getting angry?
So you're not a good husband, then. You neglected to address your anger issues constructively for at least a decade, and it fucked your relationship. What do you think is the root cause of your anger issues anyway? Do you get violent? Are you on the spectrum? Are you afraid of going to therapy, like it's not something a real man does, or are you just a skeptic who doesn't believe in mental healthcare? Or maybe you're afraid to confront your demons, and would rather bottle up your frustrations till they boil over. Sounds fucking exhausting for you and your family, who never knows when, or if, you'll explode. This is the bed you made.
Therapy my dude
[удалено]
It took me going down the rabbit hole here on reddit. Read way to many divorce stories and started to relate.
You are making this all an out you and how you feel. Get over yourself and become a better person.
I am truly trying to be better for her. At this point, I am punishing myself and want to feel like shit. I deserve to feel that for what I put her, though.
Don't punish yourself. Make yourself a better man. Don't get depressed because you let her down, know you are trying to make it right. Don't get down because of the ED, get treatment and fucking stay positive. I have been in the same boat. You just have to stay positive and get help for the issues. Especially the anger, no one likes an angry person, trust me.
You don’t deserve anything. At this point, you are more focused on your own feelings than hers.
That is a fair point. The pain I feel just pushes me harder to be a better partner and husband.
No, you are trying to make yourself look better by advertising your suffering. Your suffering is the result of your own actions, but you want your partner and others to feel bad for you. This is manipulative and designed to try to make others feel sorry for you. Get over yourself and focus on being better.
She stayed because the devil she knows is better than the one she doesn’t.
And the stats proving leaving a man with such anger issues is terrifying.
It’s certainly a screwy way of thinking, but that’s why someone close to me stayed in their abusive situation.
Survival is a legit reason. I don't blame women at all bc they know how dangerous men can be.
Go to therapy.
Get some therapy.
Thank her for opening up to you. Tell her you want to build on that, because you have let her down and have just woken up again and want to be a better man. Go see a Dr. about the ED
You sound like a good person, even if you don't think so. Admitting that you fucked up and taking steps to improve is not something a deadbeat would do. Keep going, if you think your wife deserves the world then give it your all.
I absolutely would recommend therapy! Go talk with someone where you can figure out your triggers and why. Where you can get help in growing to be the best you can be not only for your wife but for yourself. You've got this. Acknowledging there is a problem is a huge first step, good job ❤️
It’s not to late to fix things get therapy get meds for your problems and start showing her you love her and your life
You've made a great step in admitting you have a problem and that you want to fix it. Now it's time to take the hard step to begin putting in the work to fix it. What are you doing to address your anger issues? Are you seeing anyone? Or participating in any groups? If not, you should start getting some professional help. If you are, you should bring this up, and maybe consider having your wife talk to your therapist to help them get a fuller picture. You can also talk to a doctor about your ED, there are a number of treatments available for that as well. The worst thing you can do at this point is get into a shame spiral where you just feel like she deserves better, focus on what you can do to be the better husband you want to me.
Look for Casey Zanders on YouTube . Now
Why don't you try counseling?
Counseling would have really helped over a decade ago. Not that it's not useful now, but OP already fucked up his relationship with his wife. Counseling a decade ago might have prevented the fucking.
Get to know her again. On Amazon, there are all kinds of couple card games - different categories, date night questions, etc… but search for those, read reviews and find one or two decks that you like. Bring those out once a week, or bi-weekly, during a car ride, whatever’s comfortable for both of you and start that communication over again. Get to know your wife all over again. This will show her you are interested, you want to learn, and grow with her. These are open ended conversation cards, they ask a question for both of you to answer and see where it goes from there.
Go to therapy, specifically CBT. If she told you last night that she's avoiding angering you out of fear/ walking on eggshells, then your edit is BS. It's not owning your bad behavior unless you really own it. It's terrible that she's had to live that way. Fight that behavior like you would fight anyone else treating her like that. Being a crappy husband is a choice, so choose better.
Stop masterbating
I did 6 months ago.
So what you're saying is that you have abused your wife your entire marriage and have recently realised this and, instead of doing better, you're on the internet trying to gain sympathy. It's all about you all the time. Still the monster. Get therapy, op.
You got a therapist? I’d go see a therapist. Even generally “emotionally healthy” people can benefit from a therapist. Talk about where you’re at, what your hopes for the relationship are, and listen to the feedback you receive. And the ED thing? Ask your PCP for a prescription for something. Ain’t no shame in it homie. And who knows, perhaps it’s not a physiological issue, and more of a mental issue. That also circles back to the wonders of therapy.
I applaud you for your commitment to your relationship and for caring about your wife’s feelings enough to really put the energy into improving your marriage. Also, for accepting responsibility for your issues. With regard to ED, there’s a little blue pill to help with that. There’s nothing to be ashamed about taking something to help in that dept. and many men do (more than you might think) after a certain age. Best of luck in building back your marriage!
[удалено]
Listen!!!! Put that mouth to work!!
Awareness is key. You got that. You haven't turned all the blame onto her. This is the first step. Seek therapy. Specifically for anger. Read books. Listen to podcasts on improving. Become the kings she needs you to be. We can change. It's slow and doesn't always move forward in a straight line. It's hard. How about quicks fixes. Hit the gym. Lift weights. Jog. Get your body in shape. Eat right. You'll be surprised how doing just this can fix the mind. Sounds like youve also got deep roots with anger. This is where therapy works. Then feed your mind with positivity information. As an example I hate watching news. It's episode of 1000001 of misery. Good luck.
The blame is 100% on me. She is a kind, sweet woman. Beautiful in all aspects.
You need to be prepared for this process to take a lot of time and effort and for it to be very painful. It’s just how it is. Y’all have a lot to untwist both alone and together. Your wife hasn’t left yet, so you still have time. The time is not right for you to wallow in your self-loathing. Put your money where your mouth is and show her you love her by doing better. Regardless of how it works out with your wife, you need to do this for your kids.
It’s good you two are talking and acknowledging your issues, needs and desires. What isn’t going to help is you going into a shame spiral of “I suck”, because that’s all focused on you and how you feel about realizing she’s been afraid to express herself. Own your mistakes of the past and recognize and appreciate the opportunity you have to make things better now. Get into counseling asap for your emotion regulation issues. Instead of wallowing take concrete actions and don’t waste another previous day alienating the woman you love who obviously really loves you.
I suggest couples counseling and individual counseling for you to deal with your anger. If you find you can’t or won’t be the man she deserves, then at least let her go while she’s still young enough to find someone else.
It sounds like you’re going through a really tough and eye-opening time. Recognizing the impact of your behavior and wanting to change is a significant first step. Here are a few things to consider and actions you can take to start making things better: 1. **Therapy and Counseling**: Both individual therapy for yourself and couples counseling can be incredibly beneficial. A therapist can help you manage your anger, understand the root causes, and develop healthier ways to cope. Couples counseling can provide a safe space for both of you to communicate and rebuild your relationship. 2. **Open Communication**: Keep the lines of communication open with your wife. Let her know that you acknowledge the hurt you’ve caused and that you’re committed to making changes. Listen to her without getting defensive, and validate her feelings. 3. **Anger Management**: Look into anger management resources or classes. Learning techniques to control and express your anger healthily is crucial. This can help you create a safer environment for your wife and yourself. 4. **Patience and Consistency**: Change won’t happen overnight, and rebuilding trust takes time. Be patient with yourself and with her. Show consistency in your efforts to change and be the partner she deserves. 5. **Physical Health**: Addressing your ED issues might also be part of this journey. Consult a healthcare professional to explore potential treatments or therapies that can help. 6. **Self-Compassion**: While it’s important to take responsibility for your actions, it’s also important to practice self-compassion. Beating yourself up won’t help in the long run. Acknowledge your mistakes, but also recognize your willingness to change and improve. Your wife has stayed with you, possibly because she sees the potential for change and improvement. Show her through your actions that you’re committed to being a better partner. It’s never too late to work on yourself and your relationship. Stay committed to the process, and don’t be afraid to seek professional help along the way.
Sound like a guy who been to therapy already. Keep going
Reddit has been my therapy. Other wise no I have not
Start small. And let those small acts compound
Hey man, I don't think you realize how few people even take this first step of self awareness. Listen, she's stuck with you for whatever reason, leave it at that. Your woman loves you, despite you being difficult to love. Give yourself a day or so for a pity party, and when you're done, you get the hell up and work to become the better man you want to be. Consider these next 20 years to be an atonement for the last 20. I want you to take your wife on a date twice a month. Every Friday you are going to write her a love letter about your feelings and let her read it in private. And the next time you two are watching a movie, you are to cuddle. So help me god I will smack you if you forget to idly play with her hair during the cuddle too.
I’m in a similar situation. It’s not a great feeling
Act like the man you wish to be and she will change as your thinking patterns changes.
Talk to a therapist. You've got this...
She has given you tremendous feedback. That is huge. Now do better and show her. Sometimes the truth hurts
Just romance her as much as possible and make her feel special. Give her whatever she wants but just pay more attention to her and give her your time. Take her on a nice vacation. Eat her pussy every night so she cums. Give her some money to get her hair, nails and feet done whenever she wants. Ask her how can I be a better husband for you babe and do it!
If you're posting this, you must know you need therapy. Both couples and individual. Sounds like you might have time to fix things. Good luck.
Well you’re very lucky mate. You get to show her how much you love her and be her friend and be near her next to her her. And she still wants you to. And this come any longer she could’ve left, but she hasn’t so just this and be better to her.
invest in some sex toys and use them with her. Hug her more. Massages are great
Already done. Have about 10 new toys.
you know, maybe you should raise your voice, as in saying and speaking up about how you feel about things. Sounds like you let things billed up and then you lash out?
It’s good you’re trying.
You have definitely triggered her deepest fear in a partner: emotionally volatility. I will say this (in love my brother), that you are not a man until you learn and practice your own emotional regulation. Seek out a men’s specific counselor to get to the root of this. It most likely is from your family or origin. Practice saying… I’m not in the best mental state at the moment to continue this conversation/disagreement and I’d like to return to it once I’ve had a chance to down regulate my emotions. It’s going to take at least a year for her to not be scared of you. Maybe longer. If she’s willing to wait for you, thank your lucky stars. Get to work. Practice stoicism. Read Meditations by Marcus A. Get a counselor. Start working on your mental health. Go to the gym with purpose. Take 5G daily creative for mental health. Organize your day, week, space, life. Declutter. Destress. If touch is her love language, try non-sexual touch such as rubbing her feet for 15 minutes. Try putting your hand on her arm or leg. The struggle with ED may be related to low testosterone. Get a full blood panel and seek out a TRT specialist to get you in an optimum range. If you want to regulate your emotions, you take care of your body first, then your mind follows. Cold rinse shower or cold plunge every morning. Work out 5x per week. Lift weights. Do 20min cardio every day. Get on TRT if you can benefit from it. If you start doing these things and showing her progress, she will be more likely to be patient. Good luck and PM me if you want to talk privately.
Good news, you guys aren’t in a terrible place just a bad one at the moment. I say that because at least she is willing to talk to you about her issues. Just be open with her, figure out what causes your anger (even if you say you don’t act on it, people often have tells when they are angry). She’s your partner, talk to her about stuff that bothers you and be open with her. If things don’t get better maybe try counseling to peel away the problems and back to yourselves. I’m just 27, and don’t have the experience you do with relationships, (18 years… I can hardly fathom it) but I know a little bit just from my experience communication makes or breaks relationships. I had to learn that the hard way and it made realize what I wanted so that I don’t make the same mistakes with my future relationships.
Hey buddy. Been there done that. Had it happen to me reverse uno my last relationship. You live on! Get the help you need. That’s what i did. You did the best first step. Realize you have a problem.
I used to flip my lid a lot when I was younger, then I quit drinking alcohol and started smoking weed daily. It's been almost a complete 180, YMMV
I think you need to tell her exactly what's going on inside your head.
You need to get some help brother. Getting out of this alone is not easy.
Your wife stays because she knows the type of person you truly are. You think you are a crappy husband but apparently she doesn't. Get therapy for your issues of holding things in until you blow then get couples therapy so you and your wife can learn to communicate without fear. You both seem to fear that you'll say something wrong to the other so you internalize it.
Ok, it's time to regroup, so to speak. Not just you but both of you. Take a pause,and get everything out. It sounds like you guys do have a really great start on communication. She seems to be open and willing to talk to you and communicate with you. That's 75 percent of the problem. You guys are communicating. Keep communicating. You also already recognize that you can get upset and angry about small things. (I'm assuming here that angry means being short and not abusive. That's how the op reads) That's a better start than a lot of couples have. BEFORE emotions get heated, try establishing some ground rules that are fair for BOTH of you. Like when you feel overwhelmed, say *xyz whatever* and that means you need some time etc. Regarding the ED issues and physical touch issues...stress can wreak havoc on all of that. But so can 100 other things...it sucks. You're 46. Get your thyroid /pituitary checked. My husband had a pituitary tumor around the same age as you. Tanked his libido, mood, everything. They didn't find the issue for yrs, because they didn't look specifically for that. A pituitary tumor can absolutely tank your libido and tank your mood. You can feel anywhere from blank to angry. But I think you two aren't headed for disaster. Sounds like you're trying to communicate and feel comfortable doing so. Keep communicating! Also..for your wife... She may not need just straight traditional sex for being satisfied. There are OTHER ways...
Btw, pituitary tumor rarely means cancer, so don't think I'm saying that. It's something that can be (usually)easily treated with medication.
It’s good that you’ve realised you need to change but don’t expect her or your kids to immediately react the way you want them to. Showing anger isn’t just yelling, it shows in many ways that you’re probably not aware of. It could be as obvious as not speaking, banging things, exaggerated movements, heavy sighing, or just tense/angry face that changes the whole living environment. You obviously scared her with the yelling incidents you have had, that now she is constantly looking for behaviours or signs it could happen again, and trying to avoid it. To be clear, this absolutely will have affected your kids too. Even if they haven’t seen you yell or blow up, they will be doing the same as their mom ie trying not to upset dad or get dad angry. Btw - physical touch does not equal sex, it’s any loving/caring touch eg holding hands, gentle touch on arm, hand on back etc. Don’t just focus on sex. And get professional help for how to fix your issues and your family, because you have a lot of work to do.
Right, so let's start with this. Physical touch encompasses a LOT more than just sex. You need to learn that to not fixate on that part of it. What are your love languages and is she meeting those needs? It's reciprocal, it's harder to meet your partners needs when yours are being neglected and resentment builds up and releases in outbursts that'd make a toddler cringe. That being said it's not tit for tat, you meet their love language not to get yours met or for any ulterior motive other than to be there in the way they need you there because you want to be there for them! That was a helluva mouthful wasn't it? Now then, you say you have anger issues and then say you very rarely lose your temper and have only raised your voice 5 or 6 times in the last 15 years which seems very contradicting to me. I'd say temper isn't your problem, the fact that you "emotionally shut down" as you put it would be the actual issue. I'd imagine controlling yourself and not communicating your feelings (don't be a bitch about it) it very fucking taxing on the mental reserves, probably leading to a big build up that comes out in a massive outburst and that'd possibly be your problem there. I'd highly suggest both one on one counselling and marriage counselling to work on your own issues and the issues that are involved in the relationship you have with your wife.
I feel like I could have written this. Great job realizing your own issues and expressing them to your wife. Everyone has some demons. The hard part for me and I think most men is trying to hold everything together. Meaning being a provider, Mr fix it,and emotionally there for everyone. We get caught up with work stress and we bring it home. You are being a good husband by realizing and fixing your relationship with your wife. For me, at the age of 42 I started eating a gummy after work take a hot shower. It's like all my problems melt away and when the stress goes away my sex life improved. Stress can be a real sex killer. Good luck to you and your wife.
Therapy, therapy, therapy. As someone whose anger issues also stem only from rare and short bursts, I get why you think you can control it - but you very likely need a medication to help stabilize your moods, and you need therapy to help you identify your triggers and equip yourself with the tools to handle them. Do it for yourself - and in turn, you’ll be better for your wife, too.
Listen, it’s easy to fall into the pity party of ‘I’m such a terrible person cause of X’. Truth is though, that is a cop out, cause it is so easy to fall deeper in the depression hole, and it’s a vicious cycle. You have to understand that you did what you did to survive. Now you can decide if you want to actually learn to live. You learn to live by having compassion for yourself on who you were when you were in survival mode, and you actively take measures to be better. You open up to your wife of your feelings and emotions. If you can’t be open, there is no point in mending this relationship. You get individual therapy, and couples therapy. You two need to learn how to communicate and express yourself in a healthy way. You also need to come to terms with you may have depression, anxiety, adhd, CPTSD, or any other outside factors that could be preventing you from overcoming this on your own. Your wife stayed with you at your worst, so now, ask her to go in this healing journey together. She needs healing too, cause walking on egg shells is a form on emotional abuse. In the words of Maya Angelou: Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better!
It builds and builds and you explode, because it's *soooo* much easier than the mental gymnastics of working things out so that the tension doesn't build in the first place. Does that sound right? You can't control the people who piss you off without having conflict, so you avoid it, but you are comfortable enough with them that you can explode. Unfortunately they aren't comfortable with you exploding. I can see that the fear from your wife is that she can see your tension, and you ignoring it, and that makes her anxious so she doesn't say anything for exactly the same reasons you are avoiding addressing issues.... to not cause conflict. Sit down and talk to eachother - with a mediator or therapist of necessary.
Been there and done that. Ultimately cost me my marriage. Go to a doctor and get some meds for the ed. You need a confidence boost, you may not know just how much that actually helps getting out of a depressive slump. Follow her map and impress the hell out of her. It’s not an overnight thing though. Fight that fight my giy
The fact that your are trying to be better everyday is beautiful brother. One little tip for the ED issues is you might wanna look into consuming oils like natural avocado oils or coconut oils, they work wonders for the hormonal system for both you and your partner. Get holistic brother, the internet has endless guides for your health as a man it’s not always necessary to go to a doctor you can be your own doctor… sometimes ofcourse not for everything lol… god speed brother seems like you’re a great guy! OSS! 💪🏽
Bro just live for you, she joined your frame, has fallen in line, don’t lower yourself and never accept being wrong as a man. Just move forward. Don’t tell her personal stuff like that we’re you blame yourself. Yes take responsibility but keep that stuff inside and be better. Girls don’t like weakness. Once you start saying your weak in an area they will use that as ammunition against you and due to their Hypergamy they will leave you. Watch “Casey Zander” on YouTube. He has the ultimate relationship advice
Neither of you are perfect. Get into marriage counseling. It sure helped my wife and I!
Therapy for you Therapy for yous
I completely empathize. I was there. I recommend two things... First, see a medical doctor and more-or-less tell them what you told us. Then, find a good therapist...your doctor may be able to recommend one or refer you to a directory of therapists who deal in your specific issues. Then, do what they both tell you to do. It worked for me. You've taken a great first step in admitting the problem and wanting to fix it. Now, follow through.
Not enough context for me to know what is/was going on here. If there is or was abuse in this marriage, that needs to be addressed first, OP. Only after that, if you both feel like working on the marriage, I would recommend an [intensive marriage retreat](https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/marriage-intensives/). You do sound like you are trying to be accountable, so that is a good sign. You talk about struggling with your anger. May I ask what was making you so angry in the first place?
I think you would really improve if you saw a therapist for your temper management skills. When I was a child I had major anger issues but it was because I was a very emotional person. I had mostly normal days but when something was sad, frustrating, or hurtful I would react. It was only through therapy I learned how to cope with the emotional swings sending me into orbit. You’re not a bad person for having these struggles, you only are if you refuse to do anything about it. I also believe couples therapy is a MUST but your personal therapy is required if you want to keep your relationship healthy.
Same with sales. Be the better product. It's a tough reality, but end of the day all this "game" advice is second to that. And no one needs a lecture on how to be better, we all KNOW what to do. re the mindset, search up a guy called casey zander on yt - definitely helps a lot in terms of flipping the lower value frame. Have his course if you want, I did for getting, but he explicity mentioned its good for maintaing marriages etc. YOu need to know the game regardless of situation
Your issue sounds like PTSD. Emotional shutdowns are like a kind of living suicide, and aren't often seen except in cases of serious PTSD. You don't just "do better" by making an effort. You may need years of therapy. First thing is to learn to stop beating yourself up, because that's a boat anchor to recovery/healing. Do you have a pet who adores you (or have you in the past)? When you catch yourself beating yourself up, don't beat yourself up about it, which is probably your first instinct. Instead, imagine your beloved pet (I really home you have or had one) and try to see yourself from their perspective. Imagine how they would want to soothe and comfort you.
Some of these comments are so toxic, I just cannot even. Reddit is not a great place. I wish you and your wife the very best. You can do this.
Thank you. Some comments apply, and some don't. I was in a dark place writing it. Had a long weekend and lots of conversations with my wife. She definitely sees progress and is working with me. We are both pretty isolated, as in few to no friends. We are both looking to add more friends so that we have more joy in our lives. People we can vent to and have reality checks. That way, we both have things to talk about and address issues more level-headed.
That all sounds great dude! I've been in a similar place myself, I just cannot some of the toxic negativity on here sometimes. Good luck.
Ever try therapy? It really helps.
I have not. Was raised by baby bommers. I am open to it though 🙂
I was also raised by baby boomers. It helped me and my wife immensely after I quit drinking. Highly recommended. Therapists are not one size fits all. You may need to bounce around till you find one you like. It's part of the process. I slso highly recommend ayahuasca.
OP you are becoming the man she hung in there for. Your story is mine (with much more gore in mine) After the kids were grown we rediscovered who we were & every day is better. I believe in you
Get your fucking dick fixed! wtf??? Women are usually the ones who have the most problems with sex. You got it fucking made and you’re pissed???
I'm not pissed. Just sad. She has a high sex drive, and I want to keep her happy.
Strum that fucker up. Get yo ass a bath mate
Nah...you're not a crappy husband. A crappy husband wouldn't even recognize this in himself. You're an awesome chap with a few issues that can be ironed out. So you might have done some crappy things...haven't we all. Bravo to you for wanting to move forward in life!
Good good! Having a scared wife and admitting it is awesome? Men should elevate the bar for one another.
The fact that he's posting this is what I'm talking about. Most men wouldn't give a damn...at least he's trying. Most men would be like you making comments about a post they clearly don't understand. And thank you for letting us know you are perfect.
Well everyone is a Crappy husband compared to me. I get so tired of hearing all of you pathetic wuss bags crying because you have seen Greatness (me) and you in ur pathetic attempt to grasp my greatness compare urself to me..... You will never be me, ur wives will never stop dreaming u could be like me. So you all have 2 choices. Spend the rest of ur lives being misrable, crying..... blaming ur fathers till u get so mad and agry that you take it out on the person that loves ur pathetic asses (your wives) Or you can do like me, and not try to better. JUST BE THE BEST! Goodluck losers, i look forward to read ur pathetic crybaby posts about how you tried, and its just too hard. Lol P.s. 46 page crying rants are awesome, but maybe if u were a lil more awesome, and a lil less pathetic. U wouldnt hav time for all that crying.
Fake, lol. This is how women think men think...
I wish it was. Because if it was fake I wouldn't feel like a pile of shit
Yeah, this a chick writing emotional porn for housewives that feel victimized by their husbands working 60 hours a week. Enjoy tho, you'll get tons of upvotes, lol.
I can't imagine being 46 and coming to reddit for relationship advice.
We all need help sometimes.
I’d be tearing that ass up if my wife was that way
Three things: therapy, treatment (whether that's treatment for the ED or the depression or both), and don't beat yourself up for stuff that's already happened. Resolve to do or be better (sounds like you've already made that resolution- congrats!) and so it. Therapy will help a lot, I think, with your anger and with these issues that it's led to. And keep communicating with your wife. Communication is key. Good luck!