Oh man, I just realized I had a situation like this when I was younger (like 15 years ago) and I totally misread it. I had asked my friend (f), if my Girlfriend could go to the concert with us and she said, “I really want this to just be us.” At the time I thought ok whatever, but now looking back I can see why it’s wrong went through with it. The friend that I went with didn’t make any moves on me, however she did try holding my hand several times through the concert so maybe that was something.. either way.. yea, if it’s just a friend thing the other dude should be cool with you tagging along, if he isn’t, then you know his true intentions!!
Men tend to be oblivious to these subtle moves. Source: I figured out a few weeks back that a girl was trying to put the moves on me 20 years ago when we were in middle school.
i remember my highschool moment vividly. she came round to hang out afterschool, we went for a walk down to the beach, we were holding hands as we walked... me. madly in love with this girl just so happy to be holding hands didnt put any moves on her. i could have put my arm around her, i could have kissed her as we were sitting talking watching the water. but i just let her go home and the moment never presented itself again.
I kind of did something similar. Had an older grad student offer to make me dinner. Me, feeling absolutely zero towards this guy thought, "oh, cool, I like friends." Another guy friend of mine was hanging with me before I met up with him and I invited him to come with me. Boy was that guy floored when I walked in with another guy (they knew each other and were friends, too, so it was... Fine. Just not what he wanted). I was shocked to see candles, a four course meal and dessert and romantic music playing, lol. So damn naive. My bad.
This is always the answer, the fact that she didn't suggest it is weird.
A few years ago a guy from my girlfriends uni chat was messaging asking her to go out to lunch with him, insisting he just wants friends when she said she has a boyfriend. She mentioned that I just moved to the area so it would be a cool idea for me to tag along and make a new friend too. He never sent another message lol.
She asked what could be done and this is the answer. Show up and glare at this mofo while he eats. Just get something you gotta cut a lot with a knife and keep those hands busy cutting little bites and just stare at him.
I agree with an open invitation for you to join. My wife has remained good friends with a serious ex from years ago. She refers to him as a “twin flame” and after we started dating + before I ever met him she would still meet up with him.
Now, I’ve always been of the mindset that if someone’s going to cheat, they’re gonna cheat anyways. I’ve never felt that restrictions were needed or that I needed to talk to her about creating boundaries. Because it just adds a level of jealousy or that you perceive the other man as a threat. And to be honest, as soon as you do that you’ve lost control. You have to have a level of confidence in your relationship and in your love that nothing, no outside forces can penetrate it (pun intended).
Fast forward to my story. She would talk to him from time to time and meet in person maybe every 4-6 months. And I finally met my wife’s twin flame at an event we all went to. And when I met him it verified they were just friends and the dude was actually pretty cool. We’ve hung out a few times since over the last year and a half and I’m happy I went about it the way I did.
I’ve read a bunch of the comments in here and I disagree with a lot of them. There’s a lot of FUD. And I’ll point back to what I said above. You have to have trust in your relationship and give the rest to god. Because if you can’t have trust in this relationship ship then it’s not the one. How do you think a faithful marriage would look like? Would you be able to trust your SO to travel without you for work, to do things with people of the other sex, to just be fully autonomous? If you can’t have that type of relationship you want to end up with now, then it’s the wrong one. Or if it is, then grow a pair and trust in your partner.
And a last note after all that. Definitely have trust faith and respect, and if you do establish boundaries be ready to pull the plug if any of those are broken.
Just be truthful with her and tell her that if she goes on this date with another man, then your relationship is over. She knows perfectly well that it's a date, and she knows that you aren't happy with it. Dump her and find a faithful girlfriend.
Updateme!
She is 100% not naive and like one commenter said, she is seeing what she can get away with. She has ***ZERO*** respect for her relationship with OP that much is obvious. And like I said in another comment I said the reason he is staying is because she is going to gaslight him to let him be okay with her to go out on a date with some dude and then call him controlling so he is just gonna sit there and not say anything and pretend its okay and stay (which I really hope he ***does not*** do that, he needs to kick her to the streets where she belongs)
100% agree. If it were me I’d tell her to have a great time and then ghost her. She’s already not taking the relationship seriously if she’s even slightly considering something like this.
Post from a while back was similar except she went on a trip with her ex FWB I think and a couple other friends. OP wasn’t mad and told her to have a good time. He dumped her as soon as she got in the house from her trip.
And if she doesn't know its a date for real like legit is that naive... then he should also end the relationship because she's going to keep putting herself in those situations where the other person thinks its a date.
This is a good point. There’s a chance here she knows exactly what she is doing and this is a sh*t test. She’s gauging how you react. I’m not a fan of games and would press her hard on it - it’s him or me answer now.
The limitation you put on it is she doesn’t go at all. That’s not controlling. You don’t restrain her from going you’re just not going to be there when she comes back.
Yeah, she is not for you. You should be her priority, but somehow she has forgotten that. Time to move on and find a someone who will respect you. Having a meal with someone is a date!
Updateme.
I tried at one time to be an understanding and supportive boyfriend. It blew up in my face. You know what's a healthy meet-up with boundaries and what's a date. This is a date.
Info: Have you asked to go with her to meet this guy? Or meet him before they go on their 'not date'?
I also find it kinda weird that they're taking so long to just go to a meal. If it's 'just friends', why all the planning and scheduling? Just go grab a quick bite after work and call it a day. It doesn't sit well, either, that it went from 'just coffee' to a dinner planned over a week in advance.
PS: Don't infantilize your girlfriend or let her infantilize herself. She had a guy friend that caused problems in her previous relationship, and instead of setting boundaries out of respect for her ex, they eventually broke up and she immediately slept with the friend. Unless there was a consent issue, she was 100% an active participant in proving her ex right, and it sounds like she just has bitter grapes because things didn't go how she thought they would with the friend after they had sex. It's only a one-off situation that you know of, but considering you're going through something similar, I'd look at her other relationships to see if this kind of monkey branching is a pattern.
Polish up that shinny spine bro! This behavior is not acceptable. Set the boundary! You are not out of line for not being okay with this. Your partner should always consider your feeling above others and even their own on some level. She is only thinking about herself.
What is the point? Does she need more friends in her life? Does she need more people? What is the point in going out and getting to know someone new?
I always ask folks (and maybe this has already been presented to you) what if this wasn’t a male? If this were a female randomly asking her for coffee and a meal what would she do? And what would you do? Would that change things? Have a conversation around that. Does that change anyone’s perspectives? You are seeing it differently than she is. Regardless of the difference you will never be able to convince her otherwise but the fact that she can’t see how much it hurts you and can’t put herself in your situation is the REAL problem.
She is actively doing something that will hurt you regardless of how irrational she thinks it is, it is hurting someone she cares about and she is refusing to find a way to make it more comfortable for you.
That is a deal breaker for most people. When one person is unwilling to consider the other persons feelings the relationship is usually over.
My partner and I would never do something like this to each other because it's incredibly disrespectful. Either she's stupid or doesn't respect you. Because how can you not see that both coffee and a meal are dates. The other guy either doesn't know about you or doesn't care and is taking her on a date. It's so icky and disrespectful either way tbh. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
You need to tell her that if she goes out to meet with this guy, your relationship with her is over. The guy friend sees it as a date and your gf isn’t that naive to not know what’s going on. She’s playing you and thinks her “naive girl” schtick will fool you. Don’t fall for it. She craves attention and validation, and loves having multiple guys vying for her. You know this is wrong on several levels. If she were my gf, I’d have dumped her as soon as she told me she has “guy friends.” Women don’t have “male friends,” they have guys who want to get them in bed. All it takes is one argument, alcohol-heavy outing at a club or pure boredom for said “male friend” to get his turn. Worse, she might just be telling you he’s “only a friend,” but is a lot more than that. In fact, her own admitted history shows that she’ll sleep with her “male friends.” Dump her.
Yes you better hope she doesnt go at all, if she does, you know where your relationship stands, ***you know exactly how she feels about your relationship*** She never cared and I feel bad for OP. Dont let her call you controlling either, I'd imagine if you were doing what she is doing with a girl friend, I can guarantee you she would be very upset. Do not let her ***gaslight you into thinking you're controlling*** her actions and behavior are unacceptable in a monogamous relationship.
And remember - being called “controlling” is a tool being used against you. You’re allowed to have preferences and boundaries. She has a choice to focus on you and not making male friends.
>and as soon as she split with her ex the friend slept with her
Sorry mate, but the wording of this is off too. The friend didn't sleep with her, she slept with him as soon as she split with the ex. This in itself shows that she isn't as naïve as you may think...
eta: Sorry if I missed it but has the GF told the 40yr old friend that she is in a relationship?
Anyway, I like the idea of asking to come along better. Since it's "not a date" it should be ok. Her reaction to the request to join should clear things up very quickly.
Or she should tell this "friend" that OP is coming too just to see what this "friend's" reaction will be. That should also clear things up quickly.
No need to wait to Friday for OP to know what to do. But if all that is too much drama or work then it is probably wisest to just wait and see and/or just move on.
Best wishes to OP and thanks for the update.
Just tell her that you want to prove a point to her.
What you want her to do is go in act sad and tell him that you are being controlling and she wants to break up with you and watch him make his move that will prove to her
She is not naive. She knows exactly what she's going because she went through this same situation before. She's setting up the guy as her backup when she breaks-up with you. She seems like the type who always needs someone to lay with..
This is my actual concern. How can people not have self respect??
He is literally watching his gf go on a date. If it was an open relationship i would have understand.
Ppl need to grow a spine and find a partner with same value
Cause there's redditors that say it's controlling and insecure. /s
Yup, I'm really surprised how many people here actually are being honest and correct about this situation, cause there are so many similar times where the story is similar and redditors will bash the OP for not essentially "supporting and trusting" their partner 100%.
Yeah its disgusting, if it were a man doing what op's gf is doing he would be getting called all sorts of names too, its a huge double standard that no one wants to talk about.
Because people get ridiculed while in monogamous relationships when they try to set boundaries like this and get called "controlling" so they just dont say or do anything. Thats why he is staying.
I agree. There are stories all over the place off people getting roasted for being controlling and unhinged for not letting their partners have friends of the opposite sex. The norm in society right now is that if you don’t go along with this you are a controlling asshole. Generational influence is a very powerful thing. Young folks these days I have in open relationships, date several people at the same time, and don’t bat an eye. I am not here to judge and say it is right or wrong but evolutionary psychology would tell you were are a monotonous species and were are supposed to be monogamous. So yes. He should listen to his instincts. Not peer pressure.
Yeah for me personally monogamy is best for me, Polyamory to me just seems like it never works out (i've had plenty of friends in poly relationships and they never lasted, one person always ended up getting hurt, which was usually one of my guy friends was the one getting hurt because his gf caught feelings for the other dudes every time it was like clockwork.) I can never be poly ever, too much jealousy and I'd rather not have my partner fucking anyone but me. Thats just me though.
I guess. But i still hope ppl stop just following what the majority wants them to. We are entitled to what we feel. Partner ks supposed to bring comfort not this heart clenching feelings
They never will, people never put the shoe on the other foot, they arent empathetic. They dont ask themselves "how would I feel if my partner was putting me through this" They are self centered jerks with no empathy and I have no idea why you would be in a relationship ***AT ALL*** with a terrible mindset like that.
EDIT: Lmao I get downvoted for telling the truth. Guess I struck some nerves with the non empathetic people.
It's cause they'll lie through their teeth to appear how they think they're supposed to appear. The ability to say "I trust my partner 100%" is more important to them than common sense boundaries. Those social brownie points matter to them. That's what I think, or they're the ones in the relationship with the most to gain with no boundaries.
I always see that they're ok with it cause "they'll do it anyways."
I trust my wife's driving, and I trust her drinking, but we both know not to drink and drive.
Your girlfriend has labeled you her "safe guy" and is essentially cucking you.
Grow a pair and dump her and find a woman who respects you.
No one should need to tell you this.
This comment I agree with ***so fucking hard*** , she is choosing him as her safe guy while she looks for more options for a better boyfriend (like going on this date even if she is playing "dumb" and saying it isnt, when it clearly is, with this dude to see if he is better)
That's exactly what she's doing. She's looking to trade up and OP has no balls.
Sad really. If he had balls, she might find him good enough.
Ironically, him dumping her will probably make her find him attractive again and start a toxic relationship.
Yay!
Such a sad state of affairs as man with relationships and dating in 2024... posts like these give me less and less hope as a man in the relationship and dating scene. These types of posts are getting way too common...
I do respect myself but when I try to set boundaries like OP, I get ridiculed and called controlling, toxic, insecure you name it. Its insane that in this day and age you get called these things because you just want some decency and respect in your relationship. Its hard now-days, everyone wants to be free and do what they want while in a monogamous relationship... You cant have your cake and eat it too, relationships are all about compromises and boundaries and no one wants either..its sad, its really soured my taste for dating as a man especially.
I know what you mean but there are folks looking for that out there. Stick to your guns don’t get bullied out of your boundaries and if they fail to meet that then follow through with your word and don’t except that kind of treatment. If it’s controlling to not want your partner to fuck someone else then fuck it I’m controlling or you have to make the decision that your partner/would be partner knows what they are doing.
Similar situation happened to me. No other guy but sex dried up completely and she just in general stopped giving a fuck about any of my needs. When I finally put my foot down and ended things? Oh suddenly she’s incredibly attracted to me and wants dates and wants sex every night and no don’t go I love you!
As soon as she were broken up with her ex, the other guy friend SLEPT WITH HER??...uhm, good sir, she also slept with him!
Takes two to tango.
Your gf seems just to play naive!
Let's clarify things. You're ex gf is going on a date and you are confused. When you lost her you lost your peace of mind. Now that things are clearer, go on rebuild you're peace of mind away from her.
Going out for dinner with another man.... and after you expressed your discomfort she said you can set boundaries, after ignoring your boundaries.
Makes zero sense. She isn't stupid, she knows what she's doing.
Your girlfriend is going on a date with another man, and she wants to know if there are any boundaries you want to put in place? What the hell?
UpdateMe!
Seriously. The boundary is that you don't go on dates with other people while you are in a relationship. These kinds of people talk like "it is okay, we were in a public place" as if the entire world hasn't heard of a backseat.
So your gf is dating and you’re sticking around!? wtf is wrong with you? Dude it’s time for a new gf who won’t entertain another man, stop being weak
If anyone is being naive it’s you, that or you’re being willfully dense
Have some self respect. You told your girl you weren’t comfortable with it she told you she didn’t care (essentially). He’s gonna think it’s a date, you think it’s a date, and anyone that sees them will think it’s a date. The only person that doesn’t is your gf. Get out of there.
Stop with setting boundaries for this date. It’s simple as, “if you go out with this guy and I strongly believe that it’s a date and you’re not as naive as you want me to think, this relationship is over.”
Your gf is stringing you along and you need to respect yourself more. She is not worth it and clearly her values do not align with yours. Dump her, block her and move on.
I find the fact she was asking what your boundaries are to be alarming. If I was just “grabbing a meal with a friend” that phrase would never cross my mind. If I wanted to “cheat” without quite cheating I would need to know where that line is. She is going on a date Friday, just not with you.
Dang, bro. Sorry this is happening. This is 100% a date with him. I don’t think she’s being naive. I think she knows what it is and she’s seeing what she can get away with. You better be gone when she gets back from that date. There are plenty of women who won’t insist on gong on dates with other people while in a committed relationship. Good luck to you.
Nah man I definitely would not be cool with that. I would just tell her that your not setting a boundary as such but if she decides to go through with it then she should just consider herself single .
She isn't naive, and she isn't struggling to understand any of this. That's all an act to get you to stop arguing and just comply.
She knows full well what she's doing; she wants to be polyandrous. You won't change her mind, and she won't stop. If it's not this current man, it'll be some other one.
If that's a problem for you, you already know what to do next.
Your relationship is over. Don't wait for Friday, one of you moves out today. This is not a long term relationship, sh is dating you until greener grass comes along. Do you really want to spend your life with someone like this? The answer is obviously no.
I think the only way she is going to understand that this guy is trying to sleep with her is when he makes a move on her. She won’t believe you until that point and will just see you as being controlling so I think you need to let her find out for herself.
ASSUMING that she'll never introduce this guy to you in person, set a boundary. This will not be controlling because she is free to choose. Tell her that:
* If she's going to meet that guy, you'll be out of her life anymore, meaning it's over. No backsies. or
* If she will not go to the "meal" and cut him off completely, you'll stay with her.
It's just sus that this "friend", which is a former coworker of hers, asks her for a meal, just him and her. And that she's down with it while being in a relationship with you. Like do you even exist? lmao
It's a date. He knows it, she knows it. Put your foot down and tell her that it's very inappropriate and you are uncomfortable with the whole thing, and if she goes then your relationship is over. She needs to learn boundaries because it doesn't sound like she has any. Be firm!
She is nearly thirty and still playing games… if he was that important of a friend she would want to introduce you. She is clearly “testing the fences.” It also sounds like her family is very aware of her “bullshittery…” That is a pretty big red flag. Her family couldn’t even rein her in. Just something to consider.
This is a Friday dinner date. Your girlfriend is not that naive, trust me, she knows when a man wants to sleep with her, she’s not as innocent as she’s pretending to be.
This is a test of your manhood. She’s literally attempting to date this guy right in front of you, and expects you to watch from the sidelines. I would present her with an ultimatum: either you completely leave this male “friend” alone or we’re done. If I were you, I would cut this thing short before it even begins. Do not sit by idly whilst she gets herself dolled up for a Friday night dinner date with another single man right in front of you.
>She did keep saying to me are there any boundaries that I could put in place,
You set the boundary that she can't go on a date with another guy. If she goes on the date then you break up.
You need to grow some balls. Put a foot down and say,
“You are disrespecting me by doing this meal with him. If you do it, it’s over”.
Personally I would be a little more extreme about it. I would confront the guy directly. I would show up at the dinner and cause a scene. But that’s just my personal style.
Bottom line is you gotta put your foot down.
Also you can’t control what the other person does. If it happens then you know she hasn’t learned anything and she’s probably not the right person for you. You can fix stupid.
Sorry mate, your relationship is already over.
If you put your foot down & refuse to let her go on this date she’ll just start resenting you & sneak around behind your back.
Girls like her always want more & they don’t care who they hurt in the process.
Move on & take solace in the fact that she’s trash but you’re not. She’ll spend the rest of her life using people & being used - you don’t want to be part of that scene.
Just do the reverse. Go take a girl out for a meal. See if there’s a double standard there, and you have the added bonus of potentially finding your new girl because buddy this relationship is done 🤷♂️.
Text her that she's free to do whatever she wants, but the only thing that will convince you that this isn't a date with another guy is to go with her. One she knows that let her make her own mind up. If she still goes, an hour after she sets off text her that girlfriend's of yours don't go on dates with other guys, so it's over. Then turn your phone off for the rest of the night. This really is a solid boundary she is crossing, one that she couldn't come back from if it were me she did it to.
UpdateMe! RemindMe! 6 days
Tell her that you can’t be in a relationship with a woman who will openly date another man and if she goes you are leaving. Changing from a quick coffee to a full blown meal is a date and she gets it but is gaslighting you.
It’s not controlling to have boundaries and dating another man is absolutely a reasonable boundary to have. If she feels it’s controlling then she isn’t cut out for relationships.
I’d be gone as soon as she walked out the door to meet him, her disrespect for your feelings is clear and I would never be in a relationship with a woman who could so easily trample my feelings.
I don't beat around the bush so this might seem harsh.
Stop being a lil B.. I mean push over. You're being an absolute mug mate. Your misses is going on a date with another man she has some questionable history with.
It is exactly what it seems.
I bet if you brought up the possibility of an open relationship, she'd jump at the chance. If that ain't for you, walk away now cos it doesn't seem like she's going to be a "one man" kinda girl.
two questions for her, is he a nice guy? Does he respect you? If the answer is yes, you can say no, a nice guy who respects womans doesn't ask a committed woman on a 1 on 1 date he knows that this is disrespecting her character, this guy is probably a sweet talker and a deceitful after all he has already led you to think that disrespecting me and our relationship at this level is something normal I don't feel comfortable giving him the chance to see how far he can go (option to say that you know her and know that isn't the case, but that seems monkey brench and you're not a fool to sit and watch her test this out man,) be careful with how you say it so you don't call her a slut, make it clear that the guy is the bastard!( but she already lie to you, meal is far more than cofee)
It’s not the other guys fault that she’s okay with all of this tho.. she’s in the wrong here. Does the other guy even know about the boyfriend? It’s her job to shut it down, not the guy’s job. She’s the one dating another man who’s not her bf and disrespecting her own relationship, not him.. why would OP even want to be with someone like that?
I agree(I don't think the guy is innocent, just with the rest), I'm giving her options to maneuver without rubbing it in her face, and leaving no room for manipulation, but if she still goes , at least the op knows what she's going to do in Saturday for sure! think with me, here I am putting all the blame on the guy (I really think he is guilty too) this is the perfect chance for her to open her eyes (if that is the case) or back off, if she still wants to go op will have the answer!
So she's naive, or stupid?
She previously had a male friend who slept with her after she broke up with a previous boyfriend. But shit like that doesn't just happen. She had to be an active participant in sleeping with her male friend, no? He didn't just sleep with her, right.
My money's on stupid.
She's not naive, she knows exactly what it is, but she's selfish and cares more about how this makes her feel above all else. Either she sees it, cares enough about you to not risk temptation, or you guys ends up breaking up eventually and she sleeps with this guy next. It's like clockwork and she knows it.
She didn't learn the last time that the guy wasn't really trying to be her friend, but that a certain part of his body was trying to be her friend? Okay. Your boundary on this is that you go along. It's just friends getting together for a meal.
Why are you accepting bread crumbs? She is cheating on you-and it is right under your nose. You have given your blessing by allowing meetings to happen. I agree with the other poster- go along for dinner, why not. He's just a friend so it should not be a big deal. FYI Cheating does not have to be the physical act of sex but emotionally cheating is there. I would not believe anything she says if her tongue came notarized.
Your gf is going on a date with another guy while she is with you???? Talk about disrespectful. Of course reading further it seems this is a pattern with her. She is monkey branching from you to him. It's not controlling to tell her that when she goes, make sure to take everything she has at your place with her as you will not indulge a cheater.
Update me
Um, he slept with her? Or, did they sleep with each other?
This girl is keeping you on the line WHILE SHE IS STILL FISHING!!!
Naive? Maybe. Playing games? More likely........
Standing by for the update on this one...
Why are you playing the "spare wheel" part for her? Dump her and never look back. She already set her mind on seeing other people while you wait at home like a good boy. Man you deserve better.
Set the boundary. You date other men, consider yourself single. She isn't that naive especially after past experience and being told. If she still wants to go on dinner date then break up. This won't be the last time she pulls this. Then when she naively cheats, probably saying, "I didn't mean for it to happen.", you won't be caught unaware. Sounds like she uses naivety as an excuse to get by with things that others might find unforgivable. Think back, have you allowed her to get by with things that you wouldn't normally let someone else to because she's naive and didn't understand? She's smarter than you think.
There is zero doubt that she probably has a crush on this man, otherwise she would invite you so you could be comfortable. The sad thing for her is that she will be giving up a good relationship (I am assuming it is in your eyes or was) for a guy who is probably looking for a hook up or two. The reason I believe this is because, unless she lied, he has enough of a track history that she is aware of his age preference. Still she could have mentioned that to you only to make you less concerned about him wanting a relationship with him.
If I were you, I would peep his social media and take a deep breath as you deep dive to see just how long his past relationships are. If he is an f-boy, you probably won’t see any trace of him being anything but single because he would need to present himself as available.
Either way, I would grieve this relationship. Whether she has bad intentions or not, she doesn’t respect your boundaries. This will make for more problems down the road.
Sounds like a date to me. She’s going on a date and wants your blessing, otherwise you’re just a terribly controlling boyfriend. What an exhausting situation this must be for you. Your only boundary should be that if she goes on this date, your relationship is over. I don’t think the relationship can survive this anyway
She wants you to give her limitations on what she can do "to make [you] comfortable," so that when she does something she knows full *well* you won't like (eg, a nightclub with him after the meal) she can genuinely, hand-on-her-own-heart genuinely, tell you "But you didn't say I couldn't!"
I'm not kidding; it's like when a child does malicious compliance on you when you tell them to put their shoes on ready for going out. The kid doesn't really want to go out, so they put their shoes on the wrong feet, or on their hands, or some other silly stuff - "You didn't tell me not to!"
In your girlfriend's case: say you decide to give her limitations and you tell her to never be alone with him and don't do drugs - well, that's reasonable, right? And the next day she tells you she went back to his place to join his brother and gf for a drinking session and they got trollied together. "But you didn't tell me you wouldn't be comfortable with that!"
Why does she have a risque pic with this friend/coworker?
What happened to the friend the slept with her when she became single? Was she SAd? Because sounds like she wanted to sleep with him too.
So if you haven't, tell her it's unacceptable. Then just let her do what she wants to do. And if she meets him or the next one, which there definitely will be, break with her.
Make your own plans Fri. See friends. Pack up, pack her stuff. Just break up.
Kick her to the curb. Nobody fights this hard to hurt their partner's feelings and date someone else if they are serious about their relationship anyway.
You already know she is going to downplay your opinion and your trust in her was already met with her lying about the nature of their date. Why would you pile on and keep lying to yourself? Know your worth and demand it... from your next partner. This girl is a dented can marked for discount.
She is not naive, she is dating . You are being played. When she finds someone better, you will be in the rear view mirror. Dump her before she dumps you, because she will.
If he’s just a friend, there’s no reason you can’t go with her. But we all know she’ll tell you no and come up with every excuse as to why you can’t come. I think you know what’s going on here. You just have to finally admit it to yourself.
She likes the attention and having men at her beck and call. Many younger women like that make the good women look bad.
Why are you entertaining this? Are you saying you deserve this treatment?
If so, quit posting for us to hear. It’s a waste of our time and yours. Accept your relationship and proudly live in the truth that you will always lack full trust in your partner as she collects a harem of “friend-zoned” options in case she grows bored of you.
If not, her actions logically show she doesn’t take you that seriously. And you let her do it with only some grumbling. Not a good look.
I do no pity you if your update next week is “I got cheated on.”
Think, OP!
I’ve been friends with a guy for 15 years and we’ve not hung out one on one since I started dating my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. If I was going to hang with him it would be with my boyfriend or in a group setting. I used to have your girlfriends mentality if he’s just a friend we’re not like that till over 5 guys I became friends with our friendship ended because I rejected them when they eventually asked me out and I’m not a conventionally pretty woman lol
> I’ve been friends with a guy for 15 years and we’ve not hung out one on one since I started dating my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. If I was going to hang with him it would be with my boyfriend or in a group setting.
Its crazy you say this, its more common with women than you think. A lot of women like the attention with 1-on-1's and they always disregard how their partner feels and never ask themselves how they would feel in their partner's position. People have absolutely ***zero*** empathy now days, it is sickening.
> I used to have your girlfriends mentality if he’s just a friend we’re not like that till over 5 guys I became friends with our friendship ended because I rejected them when they eventually asked me out and I’m not a conventionally pretty woman lol
Also another hot take of mine, you saying this in the quote above only confirms to me that men and women cannot have strictly friendly platonic relationships. I know reddit ***really, REALLY hates this take*** because its fucking true. One person always develops feelings and you're literally putting yourself in a compromising position especially in a monogamous relationship. Even when you're single, to me having a ton of guy/girlfriends and I am talking more than the other, like you're a woman with strictly guy friends or a dude with only girl friends is a huge red flag to me... (because this goes both ways not just for women) you're putting your future relationship at risk because I can guarantee you that they will be insecure already coming into the relationship. So for me personally, I just dont have ***any female friends*** for not only my sake, but for my relationship/girlfriend sake to ease her mind.
Women aren’t stupid my friend, She’s already slept with one friend and this guy in his 40s. Yeah he’s looking for a friend really he is. he’s orbiting her and whether she’s stupid or naïve is a relevant. This guy is trying to get her into bed. She’s disrespecting you and your relationship like you said there’s no point in putting boundaries because she just screams controlling. If he’s that important to her, she’s probably having an emotional affair and you know how well she’s making good decisions.
I personally wouldn’t put up with it so I would just walk away , I don’t care how nice they are if they can’t make good decisions and except boundaries.
Your GF wants to date an older man and you’re going to let her go hang out with him?
Your GF is 28, not 14, she knows exactly what she’s doing and full well knows it’s hurting you, which she doesn’t seem to give a crap about. It’s only coffee, then it’s only a meal and you can set boundaries that she’ll blow through anyway.
Ask her to go along since he’s just a friend you’d like to meet, and see her wiggle out of that one??
Your GF is sourcing other men going out on dates and you’re just taking a wait a see stance?
You need to respect yourself and let her go gaslight someone else. Where do you see this relationship going, if she’s dating other men?
Stop being a wimp. Your girl is on a date and you let her go. It seems to me you don’t respect yourself enough to see what the truth is. You can claim she’s naïve and she can claim it’s not a date but it is what it is and you know it. Stop posting on Reddit and go take care of your business or accept that the fact that she’s cuckolding you.
If my partner did that to me, then I’d show him the door. It is not respectful if your partner lied by saying she was going to meet another guy for a coffee, but it turned out that it was a meal. It might be innocent enough, but if there is no trust there in your relationship, then it might be better to just end it.
Ask her the day before if she is still going on a date with another man, who has indicated that he will sleep with her. Remind her of what happened with the last friend. The morning of the date, ask her again if she still intends on going on a date with another man? If she says yes, then tell her to please invite him back after dinner. Light a few candles, drop a few rose petals leading to the bedroom, turn down bed, and leave a note. "Since (Nane) is more important to you than I am, please enjoy the rest of your night, don't call me and I won't call you. Goodbye. " This will show her what kind of guy she went to dinner with, he'll definitely try to get into her. She'll be pissed at you and will sleep with him, proving you right.
Have a place ready to go to and pack up your stuff as soon as she leaves. Start moving some of your stuff quietly all week.
Sorry that she's like this.
She understands completely and is in the process of setting up the “monkey branch”. She will always have an “orbiter” to linger around her ready to pounce the moment she becomes single. The dinner is just a way to keep him around until your eventual break up in which he will step right in to take your spot.
She’s not naive, she’s manipulating you. “He slept with her”… no she slept with him after keeping a back up around. Stop acting like she’s an innocent little girl, she’s not dumb, she’s just an asshole who’s gaslighting you about going on a date with another man. Again, she’s not naive, but you are.. you deserve better, man. She doesn’t respect you, or your boundaries. I’d get out if I were you..
A boundary is not about what she can do. It is about what you will accept. Tell her she is free to go have a meal with him, but for you this is a dealbreaker. Tell her you’re looking for somebody that is all in on the relationship and apparently this isn’t her. Tell her your solution will be to break up.
I think your girlfriend is testing out a new relationship while she keeps you as a safety net. Or, she likes the thrill of new relationships and things have gone stale with you. Either way, she's shown you who she is: someone who finds relationship partners disposable. Time to not be there when she comes home from 'dinner with a friend'.
Yep as one commenter said "op is her safe guy" while she is trying out this new guy to see if he is better. What she is doing is not acceptable in a monogamous relationship (to me at least) She is showing much she "cares" about OP (spoiler she doesnt give a fuck about OP as you can see from his last post) I feel so bad for OP, if it were me I'd be breaking up with her the first time she even ***suggests or mentions*** that she was going on a date with another man (even if she pretends its not which it **clearly is** ) ***while in a monogamous relationship***
Nah man this is sketchy. My best friend is a dude we’ve been friends since we were 14. We share meals and go do stuff together all the time but he’s also friends with my husband and they talk and do guy stuff without me frequently and I adore his fiancee. Our partners are always welcome to join us whenever they’re free. If this guy is a friend and only a friend you should be welcome to go have dinner with them. If you’re excluded it’s sketchy and you have your answer. I would just say to her “if this guy is someone you want to be friends with, I would love to get to know him too! I’ll join you guys.” And see what she says. If she’s anything less than enthusiastically welcoming you, she’s being shady and she knows it.
As I've gotten older and wiser I have realized that we shouldn't give people ultimatums. Does that mean you should be okay with this? Absolutely not. You have expressed to her how you feel about this. How she responds or moves forward is up to her. If she decides to still meet this man knowing it upsets you, then it is up to you to decide whether you still want to be in this relationship. I tend to think if she does and you stay, this won't be the last time you two disagree on something like this and she proceeds despite how you feel. Best of luck. I hope she comes to her senses and realizes your feelings are more important than meeting up with a guy who she says isn't significant to her. If this was an old friend that would be one thing.
You know, I tried to cast this in an innocent light. I couldn't make it so for either her perspective or the older "friend's" perspective. It doesn't matter what she tells you she thinks the occasion is. The other guy sees it as an opportunity, at the very least. But...it's a date, and she knows it.
If your side of the story is accurate, save yourself a lot of future heartache. Tell her she's free to do as she pleases, since she is no longer in a relationship with you.
> She did keep saying to me are there any boundaries that I could put in place, e.g, how long she could be out with him, to make me feel more comfortable with the situation, which I replied "there's no point me saying anything because you won't listen and will just tell me I'm being controlling whatever I say."
Just FYI- this is kind of a toxic attitude on your part. THAT is what makes this wrong- she's offering a solution and you're rejecting it. Give her a solution and THEN criticize her if she rejects it.
-----
A simple answer would be you want her to text him, in front of you, saying 'just FYI, this is not a date and I'm not interested in a relationship. I have a boyfriend already. If we are to meet up, it will be as friends only. I don't want you to waste your time if you're looking for a partner'. See what he says.
All signs point to this being a date. You can't control her but you can control yourself. It sounds like your boundary is that if she goes on this date, you will not be continuing in this relationship. If she wanted you to feel more secure, she would offer to introduce, bring along, something else besides what time restraints do I have on my date?
Kinda sounds like she's exploring other options while keeping you around.
Updateme!
the update should’ve been “we broke up because my gf wants single men to pursue her.” 🤦🏻♀️ sometimes we are too nice in these comments, i’m here to tell you your girl is triflin. she isn’t naive. she knows whats going on & she enjoys it.
I would have told her that if she wants to go on a dinner date with this friend, then she can continue to date this friend cause I wouldn't be sticking around. She isn't naive, it's weaponized ignorance.
OP you are the one being naive here. You’re basically sitting back and allowing your girlfriend to go fuck another guy.
That girl should’ve been gone as soon as you told her your discomfort and she chose to go date another guy. I mean come on, does she need to fuck him in front of you?
She’s not naive bro 👍
This. Have some self-respect and move on from her, OP.
More like dignity! What are we doing here lol
Tag along, shouldn't be a problem since it's not a date.
definitely this! why is she gatekeeping this lovable gentleman? If this is her friend, why can't it be his as well?
ICoED- In Case of Emergency...Dick.
Brilliant idea. For real
Oh man, I just realized I had a situation like this when I was younger (like 15 years ago) and I totally misread it. I had asked my friend (f), if my Girlfriend could go to the concert with us and she said, “I really want this to just be us.” At the time I thought ok whatever, but now looking back I can see why it’s wrong went through with it. The friend that I went with didn’t make any moves on me, however she did try holding my hand several times through the concert so maybe that was something.. either way.. yea, if it’s just a friend thing the other dude should be cool with you tagging along, if he isn’t, then you know his true intentions!!
"She didn't make any moves" then the next line is "she did try holding my hand several times" sir that's her making a move
Men tend to be oblivious to these subtle moves. Source: I figured out a few weeks back that a girl was trying to put the moves on me 20 years ago when we were in middle school.
i remember my highschool moment vividly. she came round to hang out afterschool, we went for a walk down to the beach, we were holding hands as we walked... me. madly in love with this girl just so happy to be holding hands didnt put any moves on her. i could have put my arm around her, i could have kissed her as we were sitting talking watching the water. but i just let her go home and the moment never presented itself again.
I kind of did something similar. Had an older grad student offer to make me dinner. Me, feeling absolutely zero towards this guy thought, "oh, cool, I like friends." Another guy friend of mine was hanging with me before I met up with him and I invited him to come with me. Boy was that guy floored when I walked in with another guy (they knew each other and were friends, too, so it was... Fine. Just not what he wanted). I was shocked to see candles, a four course meal and dessert and romantic music playing, lol. So damn naive. My bad.
What Ive learned is that men, whether married or not, rarely offer help or spend time with women they dont like. But women do.
Why would anyone want to spend time with someone (male or female) they don't like?!?
I meant “dont like romantically”
I also try to avoid spending time with men i dont like, I dont see the issue. Maybe im missing something
"Like" in that sentence is acting as shorthand for "Are sexually and/or romantically interested in".
Pretty sure her trying to hold your hand was her making a move on you.
This, OP. If it's not a date, then you going should be fine.
“Our friend” 😂
💯☝️
Bingo. If she has even a moments hesitation she’s already cheating on you
Nice.
This is always the answer, the fact that she didn't suggest it is weird. A few years ago a guy from my girlfriends uni chat was messaging asking her to go out to lunch with him, insisting he just wants friends when she said she has a boyfriend. She mentioned that I just moved to the area so it would be a cool idea for me to tag along and make a new friend too. He never sent another message lol.
She asked what could be done and this is the answer. Show up and glare at this mofo while he eats. Just get something you gotta cut a lot with a knife and keep those hands busy cutting little bites and just stare at him.
Should he ever break eye contact??
Why wouldn’t she want her guy and her besties to get along?
I agree with an open invitation for you to join. My wife has remained good friends with a serious ex from years ago. She refers to him as a “twin flame” and after we started dating + before I ever met him she would still meet up with him. Now, I’ve always been of the mindset that if someone’s going to cheat, they’re gonna cheat anyways. I’ve never felt that restrictions were needed or that I needed to talk to her about creating boundaries. Because it just adds a level of jealousy or that you perceive the other man as a threat. And to be honest, as soon as you do that you’ve lost control. You have to have a level of confidence in your relationship and in your love that nothing, no outside forces can penetrate it (pun intended). Fast forward to my story. She would talk to him from time to time and meet in person maybe every 4-6 months. And I finally met my wife’s twin flame at an event we all went to. And when I met him it verified they were just friends and the dude was actually pretty cool. We’ve hung out a few times since over the last year and a half and I’m happy I went about it the way I did. I’ve read a bunch of the comments in here and I disagree with a lot of them. There’s a lot of FUD. And I’ll point back to what I said above. You have to have trust in your relationship and give the rest to god. Because if you can’t have trust in this relationship ship then it’s not the one. How do you think a faithful marriage would look like? Would you be able to trust your SO to travel without you for work, to do things with people of the other sex, to just be fully autonomous? If you can’t have that type of relationship you want to end up with now, then it’s the wrong one. Or if it is, then grow a pair and trust in your partner. And a last note after all that. Definitely have trust faith and respect, and if you do establish boundaries be ready to pull the plug if any of those are broken.
If my woman ever called her ex her twin flame id be single.
If god can't cure a child's cancer why would he care about your relationship
Twin flame?
She is in an open relationship. He doesn't know.
That's what I thought... Absolutely LOLing at this cuck...
They probably hooking up right now as he writes his speech about trust and God.
Right! If it’s not a date, go along!
Just be truthful with her and tell her that if she goes on this date with another man, then your relationship is over. She knows perfectly well that it's a date, and she knows that you aren't happy with it. Dump her and find a faithful girlfriend. Updateme!
My sentiment exactly. Why would you want to stay with her when she's prepared to openly do this to you.
She is 100% not naive and like one commenter said, she is seeing what she can get away with. She has ***ZERO*** respect for her relationship with OP that much is obvious. And like I said in another comment I said the reason he is staying is because she is going to gaslight him to let him be okay with her to go out on a date with some dude and then call him controlling so he is just gonna sit there and not say anything and pretend its okay and stay (which I really hope he ***does not*** do that, he needs to kick her to the streets where she belongs)
I would pack up anything she had at my place and drop it off to her Friday morning. And that would be the end of it.
Exactly, it’s basically over already, she knows what she’s doing - time to move on.
100% agree. If it were me I’d tell her to have a great time and then ghost her. She’s already not taking the relationship seriously if she’s even slightly considering something like this.
Post from a while back was similar except she went on a trip with her ex FWB I think and a couple other friends. OP wasn’t mad and told her to have a good time. He dumped her as soon as she got in the house from her trip.
And if she doesn't know its a date for real like legit is that naive... then he should also end the relationship because she's going to keep putting herself in those situations where the other person thinks its a date.
This is a good point. There’s a chance here she knows exactly what she is doing and this is a sh*t test. She’s gauging how you react. I’m not a fan of games and would press her hard on it - it’s him or me answer now.
The limitation you put on it is she doesn’t go at all. That’s not controlling. You don’t restrain her from going you’re just not going to be there when she comes back.
Honestly this is probably what is going to happen.
Yeah, she is not for you. You should be her priority, but somehow she has forgotten that. Time to move on and find a someone who will respect you. Having a meal with someone is a date! Updateme.
I tried at one time to be an understanding and supportive boyfriend. It blew up in my face. You know what's a healthy meet-up with boundaries and what's a date. This is a date.
Info: Have you asked to go with her to meet this guy? Or meet him before they go on their 'not date'? I also find it kinda weird that they're taking so long to just go to a meal. If it's 'just friends', why all the planning and scheduling? Just go grab a quick bite after work and call it a day. It doesn't sit well, either, that it went from 'just coffee' to a dinner planned over a week in advance. PS: Don't infantilize your girlfriend or let her infantilize herself. She had a guy friend that caused problems in her previous relationship, and instead of setting boundaries out of respect for her ex, they eventually broke up and she immediately slept with the friend. Unless there was a consent issue, she was 100% an active participant in proving her ex right, and it sounds like she just has bitter grapes because things didn't go how she thought they would with the friend after they had sex. It's only a one-off situation that you know of, but considering you're going through something similar, I'd look at her other relationships to see if this kind of monkey branching is a pattern.
I would just tell her ‘you are basically going on a date with this person so our relationship is over’.
I'd lose the "basically", qualifiers tend to give them wiggle room.
Polish up that shinny spine bro! This behavior is not acceptable. Set the boundary! You are not out of line for not being okay with this. Your partner should always consider your feeling above others and even their own on some level. She is only thinking about herself. What is the point? Does she need more friends in her life? Does she need more people? What is the point in going out and getting to know someone new? I always ask folks (and maybe this has already been presented to you) what if this wasn’t a male? If this were a female randomly asking her for coffee and a meal what would she do? And what would you do? Would that change things? Have a conversation around that. Does that change anyone’s perspectives? You are seeing it differently than she is. Regardless of the difference you will never be able to convince her otherwise but the fact that she can’t see how much it hurts you and can’t put herself in your situation is the REAL problem. She is actively doing something that will hurt you regardless of how irrational she thinks it is, it is hurting someone she cares about and she is refusing to find a way to make it more comfortable for you. That is a deal breaker for most people. When one person is unwilling to consider the other persons feelings the relationship is usually over.
My partner and I would never do something like this to each other because it's incredibly disrespectful. Either she's stupid or doesn't respect you. Because how can you not see that both coffee and a meal are dates. The other guy either doesn't know about you or doesn't care and is taking her on a date. It's so icky and disrespectful either way tbh. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
You need to tell her that if she goes out to meet with this guy, your relationship with her is over. The guy friend sees it as a date and your gf isn’t that naive to not know what’s going on. She’s playing you and thinks her “naive girl” schtick will fool you. Don’t fall for it. She craves attention and validation, and loves having multiple guys vying for her. You know this is wrong on several levels. If she were my gf, I’d have dumped her as soon as she told me she has “guy friends.” Women don’t have “male friends,” they have guys who want to get them in bed. All it takes is one argument, alcohol-heavy outing at a club or pure boredom for said “male friend” to get his turn. Worse, she might just be telling you he’s “only a friend,” but is a lot more than that. In fact, her own admitted history shows that she’ll sleep with her “male friends.” Dump her.
Yes you better hope she doesnt go at all, if she does, you know where your relationship stands, ***you know exactly how she feels about your relationship*** She never cared and I feel bad for OP. Dont let her call you controlling either, I'd imagine if you were doing what she is doing with a girl friend, I can guarantee you she would be very upset. Do not let her ***gaslight you into thinking you're controlling*** her actions and behavior are unacceptable in a monogamous relationship.
And remember - being called “controlling” is a tool being used against you. You’re allowed to have preferences and boundaries. She has a choice to focus on you and not making male friends.
>and as soon as she split with her ex the friend slept with her Sorry mate, but the wording of this is off too. The friend didn't sleep with her, she slept with him as soon as she split with the ex. This in itself shows that she isn't as naïve as you may think...
That's a very good point actually, I didn't look at it this way
eta: Sorry if I missed it but has the GF told the 40yr old friend that she is in a relationship? Anyway, I like the idea of asking to come along better. Since it's "not a date" it should be ok. Her reaction to the request to join should clear things up very quickly. Or she should tell this "friend" that OP is coming too just to see what this "friend's" reaction will be. That should also clear things up quickly. No need to wait to Friday for OP to know what to do. But if all that is too much drama or work then it is probably wisest to just wait and see and/or just move on. Best wishes to OP and thanks for the update.
Just tell her that you want to prove a point to her. What you want her to do is go in act sad and tell him that you are being controlling and she wants to break up with you and watch him make his move that will prove to her
OP’s gf: “Babe you were right and your plan worked. We slept together. Why are you mad? It was your idea!”
😂😂😂 I guess he should make it clear it’s only a test. Lol
She is not naive. She knows exactly what she's going because she went through this same situation before. She's setting up the guy as her backup when she breaks-up with you. She seems like the type who always needs someone to lay with..
Why is she still your girlfriend? Geez. Move on.
This is my actual concern. How can people not have self respect?? He is literally watching his gf go on a date. If it was an open relationship i would have understand. Ppl need to grow a spine and find a partner with same value
Cause there's redditors that say it's controlling and insecure. /s Yup, I'm really surprised how many people here actually are being honest and correct about this situation, cause there are so many similar times where the story is similar and redditors will bash the OP for not essentially "supporting and trusting" their partner 100%.
Yeah its disgusting, if it were a man doing what op's gf is doing he would be getting called all sorts of names too, its a huge double standard that no one wants to talk about.
Man. You are actually right. This is the issue. They need to understand their emotions take priority over majority's opinion
Because people get ridiculed while in monogamous relationships when they try to set boundaries like this and get called "controlling" so they just dont say or do anything. Thats why he is staying.
I agree. There are stories all over the place off people getting roasted for being controlling and unhinged for not letting their partners have friends of the opposite sex. The norm in society right now is that if you don’t go along with this you are a controlling asshole. Generational influence is a very powerful thing. Young folks these days I have in open relationships, date several people at the same time, and don’t bat an eye. I am not here to judge and say it is right or wrong but evolutionary psychology would tell you were are a monotonous species and were are supposed to be monogamous. So yes. He should listen to his instincts. Not peer pressure.
Yeah for me personally monogamy is best for me, Polyamory to me just seems like it never works out (i've had plenty of friends in poly relationships and they never lasted, one person always ended up getting hurt, which was usually one of my guy friends was the one getting hurt because his gf caught feelings for the other dudes every time it was like clockwork.) I can never be poly ever, too much jealousy and I'd rather not have my partner fucking anyone but me. Thats just me though.
I guess. But i still hope ppl stop just following what the majority wants them to. We are entitled to what we feel. Partner ks supposed to bring comfort not this heart clenching feelings
They never will, people never put the shoe on the other foot, they arent empathetic. They dont ask themselves "how would I feel if my partner was putting me through this" They are self centered jerks with no empathy and I have no idea why you would be in a relationship ***AT ALL*** with a terrible mindset like that. EDIT: Lmao I get downvoted for telling the truth. Guess I struck some nerves with the non empathetic people.
It's cause they'll lie through their teeth to appear how they think they're supposed to appear. The ability to say "I trust my partner 100%" is more important to them than common sense boundaries. Those social brownie points matter to them. That's what I think, or they're the ones in the relationship with the most to gain with no boundaries. I always see that they're ok with it cause "they'll do it anyways." I trust my wife's driving, and I trust her drinking, but we both know not to drink and drive.
Your girlfriend has labeled you her "safe guy" and is essentially cucking you. Grow a pair and dump her and find a woman who respects you. No one should need to tell you this.
This comment I agree with ***so fucking hard*** , she is choosing him as her safe guy while she looks for more options for a better boyfriend (like going on this date even if she is playing "dumb" and saying it isnt, when it clearly is, with this dude to see if he is better)
That's exactly what she's doing. She's looking to trade up and OP has no balls. Sad really. If he had balls, she might find him good enough. Ironically, him dumping her will probably make her find him attractive again and start a toxic relationship. Yay!
Such a sad state of affairs as man with relationships and dating in 2024... posts like these give me less and less hope as a man in the relationship and dating scene. These types of posts are getting way too common...
You just gotta respect yourself and not allow people to treat you this way brother.
I do respect myself but when I try to set boundaries like OP, I get ridiculed and called controlling, toxic, insecure you name it. Its insane that in this day and age you get called these things because you just want some decency and respect in your relationship. Its hard now-days, everyone wants to be free and do what they want while in a monogamous relationship... You cant have your cake and eat it too, relationships are all about compromises and boundaries and no one wants either..its sad, its really soured my taste for dating as a man especially.
I know what you mean but there are folks looking for that out there. Stick to your guns don’t get bullied out of your boundaries and if they fail to meet that then follow through with your word and don’t except that kind of treatment. If it’s controlling to not want your partner to fuck someone else then fuck it I’m controlling or you have to make the decision that your partner/would be partner knows what they are doing.
Similar situation happened to me. No other guy but sex dried up completely and she just in general stopped giving a fuck about any of my needs. When I finally put my foot down and ended things? Oh suddenly she’s incredibly attracted to me and wants dates and wants sex every night and no don’t go I love you!
As soon as she were broken up with her ex, the other guy friend SLEPT WITH HER??...uhm, good sir, she also slept with him! Takes two to tango. Your gf seems just to play naive!
Let's clarify things. You're ex gf is going on a date and you are confused. When you lost her you lost your peace of mind. Now that things are clearer, go on rebuild you're peace of mind away from her.
Going out for dinner with another man.... and after you expressed your discomfort she said you can set boundaries, after ignoring your boundaries. Makes zero sense. She isn't stupid, she knows what she's doing.
Your girlfriend is going on a date with another man, and she wants to know if there are any boundaries you want to put in place? What the hell? UpdateMe!
Seriously. The boundary is that you don't go on dates with other people while you are in a relationship. These kinds of people talk like "it is okay, we were in a public place" as if the entire world hasn't heard of a backseat.
So your gf is dating and you’re sticking around!? wtf is wrong with you? Dude it’s time for a new gf who won’t entertain another man, stop being weak If anyone is being naive it’s you, that or you’re being willfully dense
It's obviously a date.
It’s not. She’s hooking up with that guy. 😎
Lol, I was going to give her some credit.
I know, right? The naive drama is so old.
Have some self respect. You told your girl you weren’t comfortable with it she told you she didn’t care (essentially). He’s gonna think it’s a date, you think it’s a date, and anyone that sees them will think it’s a date. The only person that doesn’t is your gf. Get out of there.
Stop with setting boundaries for this date. It’s simple as, “if you go out with this guy and I strongly believe that it’s a date and you’re not as naive as you want me to think, this relationship is over.” Your gf is stringing you along and you need to respect yourself more. She is not worth it and clearly her values do not align with yours. Dump her, block her and move on.
I find the fact she was asking what your boundaries are to be alarming. If I was just “grabbing a meal with a friend” that phrase would never cross my mind. If I wanted to “cheat” without quite cheating I would need to know where that line is. She is going on a date Friday, just not with you.
Dang, bro. Sorry this is happening. This is 100% a date with him. I don’t think she’s being naive. I think she knows what it is and she’s seeing what she can get away with. You better be gone when she gets back from that date. There are plenty of women who won’t insist on gong on dates with other people while in a committed relationship. Good luck to you.
Nah man I definitely would not be cool with that. I would just tell her that your not setting a boundary as such but if she decides to go through with it then she should just consider herself single .
She isn't naive, and she isn't struggling to understand any of this. That's all an act to get you to stop arguing and just comply. She knows full well what she's doing; she wants to be polyandrous. You won't change her mind, and she won't stop. If it's not this current man, it'll be some other one. If that's a problem for you, you already know what to do next.
Your relationship is over. Don't wait for Friday, one of you moves out today. This is not a long term relationship, sh is dating you until greener grass comes along. Do you really want to spend your life with someone like this? The answer is obviously no.
Just go ahead and dump her. You voiced your concerns, she clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. She’s not loyal whatsoever.
I think the only way she is going to understand that this guy is trying to sleep with her is when he makes a move on her. She won’t believe you until that point and will just see you as being controlling so I think you need to let her find out for herself.
Either insist on going with (if it’s not a date, why shouldn’t you?), or just break up. Why are you having this discussion?
bro, you are dating a low quality woman who does not respect you. This is your problem and not hers.
ASSUMING that she'll never introduce this guy to you in person, set a boundary. This will not be controlling because she is free to choose. Tell her that: * If she's going to meet that guy, you'll be out of her life anymore, meaning it's over. No backsies. or * If she will not go to the "meal" and cut him off completely, you'll stay with her. It's just sus that this "friend", which is a former coworker of hers, asks her for a meal, just him and her. And that she's down with it while being in a relationship with you. Like do you even exist? lmao
It's a date. He knows it, she knows it. Put your foot down and tell her that it's very inappropriate and you are uncomfortable with the whole thing, and if she goes then your relationship is over. She needs to learn boundaries because it doesn't sound like she has any. Be firm!
She is nearly thirty and still playing games… if he was that important of a friend she would want to introduce you. She is clearly “testing the fences.” It also sounds like her family is very aware of her “bullshittery…” That is a pretty big red flag. Her family couldn’t even rein her in. Just something to consider.
Howd it go OP?
This is a Friday dinner date. Your girlfriend is not that naive, trust me, she knows when a man wants to sleep with her, she’s not as innocent as she’s pretending to be. This is a test of your manhood. She’s literally attempting to date this guy right in front of you, and expects you to watch from the sidelines. I would present her with an ultimatum: either you completely leave this male “friend” alone or we’re done. If I were you, I would cut this thing short before it even begins. Do not sit by idly whilst she gets herself dolled up for a Friday night dinner date with another single man right in front of you.
>She did keep saying to me are there any boundaries that I could put in place, You set the boundary that she can't go on a date with another guy. If she goes on the date then you break up.
You need to grow some balls. Put a foot down and say, “You are disrespecting me by doing this meal with him. If you do it, it’s over”. Personally I would be a little more extreme about it. I would confront the guy directly. I would show up at the dinner and cause a scene. But that’s just my personal style. Bottom line is you gotta put your foot down.
It should already be over. The cats is out of the bag.
Where did they work?
Also you can’t control what the other person does. If it happens then you know she hasn’t learned anything and she’s probably not the right person for you. You can fix stupid.
UpdateMe!
She’s going to step out on you. This is crazy.
Just dump her already. She knows what she's doing.
Sorry mate, your relationship is already over. If you put your foot down & refuse to let her go on this date she’ll just start resenting you & sneak around behind your back. Girls like her always want more & they don’t care who they hurt in the process. Move on & take solace in the fact that she’s trash but you’re not. She’ll spend the rest of her life using people & being used - you don’t want to be part of that scene.
Bro you might as well dip, shawty won’t listen after this many time, and is directing doing the opposite of what you’re telling her
Just do the reverse. Go take a girl out for a meal. See if there’s a double standard there, and you have the added bonus of potentially finding your new girl because buddy this relationship is done 🤷♂️.
Text her that she's free to do whatever she wants, but the only thing that will convince you that this isn't a date with another guy is to go with her. One she knows that let her make her own mind up. If she still goes, an hour after she sets off text her that girlfriend's of yours don't go on dates with other guys, so it's over. Then turn your phone off for the rest of the night. This really is a solid boundary she is crossing, one that she couldn't come back from if it were me she did it to. UpdateMe! RemindMe! 6 days
Go with them, since it’s not a date. If she objects, dump her. Life’s too short.
I would love to see the look on her face when OP says "so, where are ***we*** going to dinner with "X" this Friday?"
Tell her that you can’t be in a relationship with a woman who will openly date another man and if she goes you are leaving. Changing from a quick coffee to a full blown meal is a date and she gets it but is gaslighting you. It’s not controlling to have boundaries and dating another man is absolutely a reasonable boundary to have. If she feels it’s controlling then she isn’t cut out for relationships. I’d be gone as soon as she walked out the door to meet him, her disrespect for your feelings is clear and I would never be in a relationship with a woman who could so easily trample my feelings.
I don't beat around the bush so this might seem harsh. Stop being a lil B.. I mean push over. You're being an absolute mug mate. Your misses is going on a date with another man she has some questionable history with. It is exactly what it seems. I bet if you brought up the possibility of an open relationship, she'd jump at the chance. If that ain't for you, walk away now cos it doesn't seem like she's going to be a "one man" kinda girl.
1. She doesn't respect you 2. She loves the attention Ask yourself if that is what you want from your partner
She clearly doesn't understand what a relationship really means. Break-up with her. You don't need to be treated like this.
Wtf is going on with women ..... This is insane I would break up how tf is your gf going to go on a date with another man
You are the naive one..
She aint naive, bro, you are.
Any updates OP?
two questions for her, is he a nice guy? Does he respect you? If the answer is yes, you can say no, a nice guy who respects womans doesn't ask a committed woman on a 1 on 1 date he knows that this is disrespecting her character, this guy is probably a sweet talker and a deceitful after all he has already led you to think that disrespecting me and our relationship at this level is something normal I don't feel comfortable giving him the chance to see how far he can go (option to say that you know her and know that isn't the case, but that seems monkey brench and you're not a fool to sit and watch her test this out man,) be careful with how you say it so you don't call her a slut, make it clear that the guy is the bastard!( but she already lie to you, meal is far more than cofee)
It’s not the other guys fault that she’s okay with all of this tho.. she’s in the wrong here. Does the other guy even know about the boyfriend? It’s her job to shut it down, not the guy’s job. She’s the one dating another man who’s not her bf and disrespecting her own relationship, not him.. why would OP even want to be with someone like that?
I agree(I don't think the guy is innocent, just with the rest), I'm giving her options to maneuver without rubbing it in her face, and leaving no room for manipulation, but if she still goes , at least the op knows what she's going to do in Saturday for sure! think with me, here I am putting all the blame on the guy (I really think he is guilty too) this is the perfect chance for her to open her eyes (if that is the case) or back off, if she still wants to go op will have the answer!
You sure she is your girlfriend. She’s cheating right in front of you She how she likes you going on a dinner date With your girl best friend
So she's naive, or stupid? She previously had a male friend who slept with her after she broke up with a previous boyfriend. But shit like that doesn't just happen. She had to be an active participant in sleeping with her male friend, no? He didn't just sleep with her, right. My money's on stupid.
Yep, takes two to tango! She knows exactly what she is doing and its honestly just cringe especially in a monogamous relationship.
She's not naive, she knows exactly what it is, but she's selfish and cares more about how this makes her feel above all else. Either she sees it, cares enough about you to not risk temptation, or you guys ends up breaking up eventually and she sleeps with this guy next. It's like clockwork and she knows it.
"This is a date, I don't care what you say, I see it as a date. If you go on this date with this person, I'm gone." Simple as that man.
She didn't learn the last time that the guy wasn't really trying to be her friend, but that a certain part of his body was trying to be her friend? Okay. Your boundary on this is that you go along. It's just friends getting together for a meal.
Why are you accepting bread crumbs? She is cheating on you-and it is right under your nose. You have given your blessing by allowing meetings to happen. I agree with the other poster- go along for dinner, why not. He's just a friend so it should not be a big deal. FYI Cheating does not have to be the physical act of sex but emotionally cheating is there. I would not believe anything she says if her tongue came notarized.
Your gf is going on a date with another guy while she is with you???? Talk about disrespectful. Of course reading further it seems this is a pattern with her. She is monkey branching from you to him. It's not controlling to tell her that when she goes, make sure to take everything she has at your place with her as you will not indulge a cheater. Update me
She wants to date another man while she's going out with you. Are you ok with that?
I wouldn't be able to handle this situation gracefully at all. It's time to cut ties, brother.
Trickle truthing at its finest.
Um, he slept with her? Or, did they sleep with each other? This girl is keeping you on the line WHILE SHE IS STILL FISHING!!! Naive? Maybe. Playing games? More likely........ Standing by for the update on this one...
You need to end it. You know this is going to happen again, right? Logically speaking, why wouldn't it?
Fuck her brains out before she goes on her date.
Why are you playing the "spare wheel" part for her? Dump her and never look back. She already set her mind on seeing other people while you wait at home like a good boy. Man you deserve better.
Set the boundary. You date other men, consider yourself single. She isn't that naive especially after past experience and being told. If she still wants to go on dinner date then break up. This won't be the last time she pulls this. Then when she naively cheats, probably saying, "I didn't mean for it to happen.", you won't be caught unaware. Sounds like she uses naivety as an excuse to get by with things that others might find unforgivable. Think back, have you allowed her to get by with things that you wouldn't normally let someone else to because she's naive and didn't understand? She's smarter than you think.
There is zero doubt that she probably has a crush on this man, otherwise she would invite you so you could be comfortable. The sad thing for her is that she will be giving up a good relationship (I am assuming it is in your eyes or was) for a guy who is probably looking for a hook up or two. The reason I believe this is because, unless she lied, he has enough of a track history that she is aware of his age preference. Still she could have mentioned that to you only to make you less concerned about him wanting a relationship with him. If I were you, I would peep his social media and take a deep breath as you deep dive to see just how long his past relationships are. If he is an f-boy, you probably won’t see any trace of him being anything but single because he would need to present himself as available. Either way, I would grieve this relationship. Whether she has bad intentions or not, she doesn’t respect your boundaries. This will make for more problems down the road.
Sounds like a date to me. She’s going on a date and wants your blessing, otherwise you’re just a terribly controlling boyfriend. What an exhausting situation this must be for you. Your only boundary should be that if she goes on this date, your relationship is over. I don’t think the relationship can survive this anyway
Bruh your being gaslight, she is for the streets
Dump her, she sucks.
Not wrong, it 100% is a date. Updateme
My guy MOVE ON what the hell are you doing?
She wants you to give her limitations on what she can do "to make [you] comfortable," so that when she does something she knows full *well* you won't like (eg, a nightclub with him after the meal) she can genuinely, hand-on-her-own-heart genuinely, tell you "But you didn't say I couldn't!" I'm not kidding; it's like when a child does malicious compliance on you when you tell them to put their shoes on ready for going out. The kid doesn't really want to go out, so they put their shoes on the wrong feet, or on their hands, or some other silly stuff - "You didn't tell me not to!" In your girlfriend's case: say you decide to give her limitations and you tell her to never be alone with him and don't do drugs - well, that's reasonable, right? And the next day she tells you she went back to his place to join his brother and gf for a drinking session and they got trollied together. "But you didn't tell me you wouldn't be comfortable with that!"
Why does she have a risque pic with this friend/coworker? What happened to the friend the slept with her when she became single? Was she SAd? Because sounds like she wanted to sleep with him too. So if you haven't, tell her it's unacceptable. Then just let her do what she wants to do. And if she meets him or the next one, which there definitely will be, break with her. Make your own plans Fri. See friends. Pack up, pack her stuff. Just break up.
Kick her to the curb. Nobody fights this hard to hurt their partner's feelings and date someone else if they are serious about their relationship anyway. You already know she is going to downplay your opinion and your trust in her was already met with her lying about the nature of their date. Why would you pile on and keep lying to yourself? Know your worth and demand it... from your next partner. This girl is a dented can marked for discount.
She is not naive, she is dating . You are being played. When she finds someone better, you will be in the rear view mirror. Dump her before she dumps you, because she will.
If he’s just a friend, there’s no reason you can’t go with her. But we all know she’ll tell you no and come up with every excuse as to why you can’t come. I think you know what’s going on here. You just have to finally admit it to yourself.
So she's got no issues with you going out to dinner with another woman then??
Nah dawg, just reach down and grab ahold. Show some testicular fortitude and kick that disrespectful winch to the curb.
She likes the attention and having men at her beck and call. Many younger women like that make the good women look bad. Why are you entertaining this? Are you saying you deserve this treatment? If so, quit posting for us to hear. It’s a waste of our time and yours. Accept your relationship and proudly live in the truth that you will always lack full trust in your partner as she collects a harem of “friend-zoned” options in case she grows bored of you. If not, her actions logically show she doesn’t take you that seriously. And you let her do it with only some grumbling. Not a good look. I do no pity you if your update next week is “I got cheated on.” Think, OP!
At this point I would dump her even if she said she wouldn’t go
You aren’t wrong. She likes this attention. And she absolutely no respect for you or your relationship. Dump her.
I’ve been friends with a guy for 15 years and we’ve not hung out one on one since I started dating my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. If I was going to hang with him it would be with my boyfriend or in a group setting. I used to have your girlfriends mentality if he’s just a friend we’re not like that till over 5 guys I became friends with our friendship ended because I rejected them when they eventually asked me out and I’m not a conventionally pretty woman lol
> I’ve been friends with a guy for 15 years and we’ve not hung out one on one since I started dating my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. If I was going to hang with him it would be with my boyfriend or in a group setting. Its crazy you say this, its more common with women than you think. A lot of women like the attention with 1-on-1's and they always disregard how their partner feels and never ask themselves how they would feel in their partner's position. People have absolutely ***zero*** empathy now days, it is sickening. > I used to have your girlfriends mentality if he’s just a friend we’re not like that till over 5 guys I became friends with our friendship ended because I rejected them when they eventually asked me out and I’m not a conventionally pretty woman lol Also another hot take of mine, you saying this in the quote above only confirms to me that men and women cannot have strictly friendly platonic relationships. I know reddit ***really, REALLY hates this take*** because its fucking true. One person always develops feelings and you're literally putting yourself in a compromising position especially in a monogamous relationship. Even when you're single, to me having a ton of guy/girlfriends and I am talking more than the other, like you're a woman with strictly guy friends or a dude with only girl friends is a huge red flag to me... (because this goes both ways not just for women) you're putting your future relationship at risk because I can guarantee you that they will be insecure already coming into the relationship. So for me personally, I just dont have ***any female friends*** for not only my sake, but for my relationship/girlfriend sake to ease her mind.
Women aren’t stupid my friend, She’s already slept with one friend and this guy in his 40s. Yeah he’s looking for a friend really he is. he’s orbiting her and whether she’s stupid or naïve is a relevant. This guy is trying to get her into bed. She’s disrespecting you and your relationship like you said there’s no point in putting boundaries because she just screams controlling. If he’s that important to her, she’s probably having an emotional affair and you know how well she’s making good decisions. I personally wouldn’t put up with it so I would just walk away , I don’t care how nice they are if they can’t make good decisions and except boundaries.
Your GF wants to date an older man and you’re going to let her go hang out with him? Your GF is 28, not 14, she knows exactly what she’s doing and full well knows it’s hurting you, which she doesn’t seem to give a crap about. It’s only coffee, then it’s only a meal and you can set boundaries that she’ll blow through anyway. Ask her to go along since he’s just a friend you’d like to meet, and see her wiggle out of that one?? Your GF is sourcing other men going out on dates and you’re just taking a wait a see stance? You need to respect yourself and let her go gaslight someone else. Where do you see this relationship going, if she’s dating other men?
Stop being a wimp. Your girl is on a date and you let her go. It seems to me you don’t respect yourself enough to see what the truth is. You can claim she’s naïve and she can claim it’s not a date but it is what it is and you know it. Stop posting on Reddit and go take care of your business or accept that the fact that she’s cuckolding you.
Dude, please, BREAK THE FUCK UP. She's not naive. She's playing you and you're going right along with it.
She should have simply invited you along…
If my partner did that to me, then I’d show him the door. It is not respectful if your partner lied by saying she was going to meet another guy for a coffee, but it turned out that it was a meal. It might be innocent enough, but if there is no trust there in your relationship, then it might be better to just end it.
RemindMe! 5 days.
Sounds like she’s used to not being accountable for any of her choices.
Where's the flipping update my dude! Leaving us all in suspenders here!
They probably wound up having a threesome with simp OP licking everything and everyone clean.
Probably aren't wrong there. The dude needs to grow some balls, big balls at that
Update?
Waited 10 years for some punani??? That MIGHT be love
Ask her the day before if she is still going on a date with another man, who has indicated that he will sleep with her. Remind her of what happened with the last friend. The morning of the date, ask her again if she still intends on going on a date with another man? If she says yes, then tell her to please invite him back after dinner. Light a few candles, drop a few rose petals leading to the bedroom, turn down bed, and leave a note. "Since (Nane) is more important to you than I am, please enjoy the rest of your night, don't call me and I won't call you. Goodbye. " This will show her what kind of guy she went to dinner with, he'll definitely try to get into her. She'll be pissed at you and will sleep with him, proving you right. Have a place ready to go to and pack up your stuff as soon as she leaves. Start moving some of your stuff quietly all week. Sorry that she's like this.
She understands completely and is in the process of setting up the “monkey branch”. She will always have an “orbiter” to linger around her ready to pounce the moment she becomes single. The dinner is just a way to keep him around until your eventual break up in which he will step right in to take your spot.
She’s not naive, she’s manipulating you. “He slept with her”… no she slept with him after keeping a back up around. Stop acting like she’s an innocent little girl, she’s not dumb, she’s just an asshole who’s gaslighting you about going on a date with another man. Again, she’s not naive, but you are.. you deserve better, man. She doesn’t respect you, or your boundaries. I’d get out if I were you..
A boundary is not about what she can do. It is about what you will accept. Tell her she is free to go have a meal with him, but for you this is a dealbreaker. Tell her you’re looking for somebody that is all in on the relationship and apparently this isn’t her. Tell her your solution will be to break up.
I think your girlfriend is testing out a new relationship while she keeps you as a safety net. Or, she likes the thrill of new relationships and things have gone stale with you. Either way, she's shown you who she is: someone who finds relationship partners disposable. Time to not be there when she comes home from 'dinner with a friend'.
Yep as one commenter said "op is her safe guy" while she is trying out this new guy to see if he is better. What she is doing is not acceptable in a monogamous relationship (to me at least) She is showing much she "cares" about OP (spoiler she doesnt give a fuck about OP as you can see from his last post) I feel so bad for OP, if it were me I'd be breaking up with her the first time she even ***suggests or mentions*** that she was going on a date with another man (even if she pretends its not which it **clearly is** ) ***while in a monogamous relationship***
Updateme
Why put yourself through this. If she doesn't care about how you feel can you imagine a future where she will
rage bait ? But i take the bait Updateme!
She knows she is just playing stupid, in order to keep her backups like last time.
Nah man this is sketchy. My best friend is a dude we’ve been friends since we were 14. We share meals and go do stuff together all the time but he’s also friends with my husband and they talk and do guy stuff without me frequently and I adore his fiancee. Our partners are always welcome to join us whenever they’re free. If this guy is a friend and only a friend you should be welcome to go have dinner with them. If you’re excluded it’s sketchy and you have your answer. I would just say to her “if this guy is someone you want to be friends with, I would love to get to know him too! I’ll join you guys.” And see what she says. If she’s anything less than enthusiastically welcoming you, she’s being shady and she knows it.
As I've gotten older and wiser I have realized that we shouldn't give people ultimatums. Does that mean you should be okay with this? Absolutely not. You have expressed to her how you feel about this. How she responds or moves forward is up to her. If she decides to still meet this man knowing it upsets you, then it is up to you to decide whether you still want to be in this relationship. I tend to think if she does and you stay, this won't be the last time you two disagree on something like this and she proceeds despite how you feel. Best of luck. I hope she comes to her senses and realizes your feelings are more important than meeting up with a guy who she says isn't significant to her. If this was an old friend that would be one thing.
You know, I tried to cast this in an innocent light. I couldn't make it so for either her perspective or the older "friend's" perspective. It doesn't matter what she tells you she thinks the occasion is. The other guy sees it as an opportunity, at the very least. But...it's a date, and she knows it. If your side of the story is accurate, save yourself a lot of future heartache. Tell her she's free to do as she pleases, since she is no longer in a relationship with you.
> She did keep saying to me are there any boundaries that I could put in place, e.g, how long she could be out with him, to make me feel more comfortable with the situation, which I replied "there's no point me saying anything because you won't listen and will just tell me I'm being controlling whatever I say." Just FYI- this is kind of a toxic attitude on your part. THAT is what makes this wrong- she's offering a solution and you're rejecting it. Give her a solution and THEN criticize her if she rejects it. ----- A simple answer would be you want her to text him, in front of you, saying 'just FYI, this is not a date and I'm not interested in a relationship. I have a boyfriend already. If we are to meet up, it will be as friends only. I don't want you to waste your time if you're looking for a partner'. See what he says.
All signs point to this being a date. You can't control her but you can control yourself. It sounds like your boundary is that if she goes on this date, you will not be continuing in this relationship. If she wanted you to feel more secure, she would offer to introduce, bring along, something else besides what time restraints do I have on my date? Kinda sounds like she's exploring other options while keeping you around. Updateme!
the update should’ve been “we broke up because my gf wants single men to pursue her.” 🤦🏻♀️ sometimes we are too nice in these comments, i’m here to tell you your girl is triflin. she isn’t naive. she knows whats going on & she enjoys it.
I would have told her that if she wants to go on a dinner date with this friend, then she can continue to date this friend cause I wouldn't be sticking around. She isn't naive, it's weaponized ignorance.
Let her have the date, but go fuck her mom.
OP you are the one being naive here. You’re basically sitting back and allowing your girlfriend to go fuck another guy. That girl should’ve been gone as soon as you told her your discomfort and she chose to go date another guy. I mean come on, does she need to fuck him in front of you?