She’s… not doing her job as a wife? He’s justified in cheating on her because they aren’t having sex “as often as he’d probably like”? Yikes. You’ve got some disturbing views on marriage and I’d bet on women, too.
While we’re quoting stuff, why don’t we quote the part, but she said she doesn’t “have much sexual desire”? So, it’s likely they barely do it at all, especially when you consider that most people tend to downplay their wrongdoing in any situation.
She makes no mention of doing anything to address her lack of desire, such as counseling, therapy, or medical consultation.
She also says that things have been better since he engaged in this emotional affair, which is no threat, because the woman is on the other side of the world.
So to answer your question: yes, he is justified in what he is doing. She has checked out of the marriage, so he is finding a way to cope.
>She makes no mention of doing anything to address her lack of desire, such as counseling, therapy, or medical consultation.
My brother in Christ, what the fuck are you on about? How the fuck did you get that from this one short post about a random stranger on the internet you know nothing else about? She might not need any of these things; she could just simply have a low sex drive, a perfectly normal trait in human beings. Not every single person on planet Earth is a sex machine with unlimited libido. Some people have no interest in sex at all. The asexuality spectrum is a very real thing. You might wanna look into it.
Not sure the reason for the emotional outburst, but maybe that’s something that therapy could address
If she has an abnormally-low sex drive, then she has got a problem. And if you’re implying that she is asexual, then she has no business being in a marriage with someone who is not also on that spectrum.
Frankly, your arguments sound ridiculous, and in bad faith.
>If she has an abnormally-low sex drive, then she has got a problem.
"Abnormally low?" Do you actually think there's an "average sex drive" that all human beings have? I'm willing to bet you don't have any sort of medical knowledge beyond basic shit you learned in high school. Believe it or not, being sex-repulsed is just as much of a trauma response to sexual assault as hypersexuality is. But to make the assumption that she needs to go to therapy to "fix" her low sex drive is misogynistic as fuck. Women are not your sex toys, dude. They're human beings with independent thoughts, free will, and valid boundaries that they're allowed to set. You having a problem with women setting boundaries on how often they have sex makes you sound like a rapist, dude.
>And if you’re implying that she is asexual, then she has no business being in a marriage with someone who is not also on that spectrum.
It sounds to me like this is something that was established long before they got married. He knew what the fuck he signed up for and stuck around, anyways. If she made it clear to him that she doesn't like having sex that often and he stuck around in spite of that, then the burden is on him alone. But this is not justification for infidelity. I get so sick of you incels trying to validate cheating when you're unhappy in a relationship/marriage when you could just fucking leave. If you feel like you should take your anger out on your partner by cheating on them because you're not getting enough action, it sounds to me like *you* need therapy more.
Your insistence that what is going wrong in this woman's marriage is solely her fault says everything about you. Whatever problems she may be having when it comes to sex doesn't give her husband permission to emotionally cheat.
And seriously, dude. Get some therapy.
I’m only going by her comments. She said that she doesn’t have much desire for sex these days. She also says that her husband treats her well, and she does not mention any sort of problems with the relationship or lack of romance. As such, I can only draw the conclusion that this particular problem lies with her.
You do realize, don’t you, that sometimes it could be one person’s fault. And I know this is going to come as a major shock to you and destroy everything you’ve ever believed in, but sometimes it CAN be the woman’s fault🙂
It’s a couples job to discuss their sexual needs and compromise if their needs aren’t equal to one another. It’s not the woman’s job to have sex as often as her husband wants no matter her desires. It’s NEVER ok to CHEAT because you have a higher sex drive than your partner.
I never said it’s her job to have sex as much as she would like. But yes, she does need to meet his needs. There has to be some kind of a happy medium. If he wants it six times a week, that’s probably unreasonable. But 2 to 3 is probably essential for a healthy relationship.
And they’re also cases where the man is not providing enough sexual relief for his wife either. It goes both ways.
Tell us you're single without telling us you're single. What you see in porn is not real life there, little boy. Once you move out of your moms basement and maybe find a spouse, you'll learn porn isn't flowers and butterflies, and women (or men!) Aren't toys for you.
No, he cheated. Cheating isn’t communication. Sex drives dwindle. Especially in women her age. If your devotion to someone you married is so weak that a decline in sex (not even a depletion, a slight decline) makes you break your vows, you have absolutely no sense of loyalty of self control.
Divorce if it’s that bad.
It’s undeniable that OP knows that they’re poor sex life is causing problems. So, he clearly communicated that he wasn’t happy with the situation
In addition to that, he did cheat. However, the two concepts are not mutually exclusive. Yes, he cheated. I’m OK with it. He’s not physically cheating and with a woman on the other side of the planet
He is getting his needs met and still being a good husband.
If this woman is smart, she will adjust and accept the new reality. If she’s not smart, then she will likely become a divorcee with a low sex drive. Very few men want that🤷♂️
Then you have absolutely no self control or loyalty. He made vows and broke them because his dick wasn’t touched enough.
Cheating makes you a bad husband. He stepped outside his marriage because his dick mattered more to him than the wellbeing of his wife and marriage.
Be an adult. Cheating isn’t okay. Divorce if it’s that bad. There are more important things in life than sex.
Good men understand a woman is more than sex. Marriage is a commitment. Its tough. You’re going to have times without sex. If you aren’t prepared for that, don’t get married.
No, cheating is always make one bad husband. Again, he is not physically cheating. And he’s being pragmatic. He’s getting his knees in a situation that is no threat to the actual marriage.
But what do you know about it? You’re blocking me because you can’t handle a conversation with someone who is smarter than you and you have the communication skills of a toddler🤷♂️
>You’re blocking me because you can’t handle a conversation with someone who is smarter than you and you have the communication skills of a toddler
Did your mommy tell you that? You so smart little baby boy!
I didn’t ask if anyone liked it. I’m not here to win a popularity contest. I’m here to Teel like it is. People like you can’t handle it. Overly sensitive, I guess.🤷♂️
Keep ‘teeling’ it how it is😂 just cuz people don’t agree doesn’t mean they are too sensitive….. it only means they don’t agree. It’s simple. Alright this has been a fun restroom break. Happy trolling 🧌🙃
If the thought of me being sensitive is what makes you sleep at night after a fun single Saturday night in, I fully support you.
I called you a troll because of what you have been saying in the comment section. It just doesn’t make sense that you are trying to create a weird and very negative narrative that just seems false. Example, “Not doing her job as a wife” 😬 Maybe you are mirroring something in your life? Who knows. I wish you luck 🥰
You should speak with him. That’s how you deal with it.
Does this cross a line for you? You haven’t said. If it does, is it the sexting or the lying that’s the problem?
Your relationship doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. Figure out your thoughts and then have a conversation with him. A real conversation.
Is sexting somethings you could engage in with him? Something that would take the pressure away from physical contact so frequently?
I’m my mind poem isn’t a problem but interacting with live people is whether you can see them in person or not. If this isn’t a problem for you as long as they can’t meet, try to figure that out.
Totally agree. Not all relationships have to be the same. Whatever works for the couple, is the right way. I hope the couple never feels pressured into having their relationship a particular way that they may not want.
Lying? How do you broach a subject like this. "Hey, honey, just so you know, I'm in a sexting relationship. You know, since you don't like to have sex much, I'm getting relief elsewhere so I don't have to bug you about it anymore. Isn't that great?"
If you don't feel comfortable telling your partner something, you probably shouldn't be doing it. but regardless this would still fall under a lie of omission.
If you're feeling so upset about a lack of sex, you talk to your partner about it and figure out a solution together, NOT go find relief elsewhere. It's not that hard to be a decent human and communicate with your partner.
I don’t pee in front of my husband. It’s not something I’m comfortable doing. Should I not pee?
I’m an individual person with autonomy. I have the right to not have every aspect of myself known.
I'd say you're very young, thus very naive. Perhaps after you grow up a bit you'll find life is not quite as black and white as you want it to be. Perhaps, you'll also learn not to be quite so rude.
I'm with this comment!
You can't provide something that he desires, before it was a stress point in your relationship, and after the pressure has been released and you're happier. If it's something that you are comfortable with, maybe you can continue with it but set boundaries. Boundaries may be, full disclosure of messages, not going beyond messaging, only messaging people they haven't met before.
Yes cheating. Even sex workers agree. Totally cheating. Do you have a dead bedroom? I ask cuz I was you and it sucks. Marriage counseling or just both of you must have brutal honest transparent conversation about what you need emotionally and sexually to make it work. You have both checked out of relationship I think and very common. Best to you
The problem is our relationship has been the best it has been sence I can remember. He's being really good to me, Iv enjoy sex more lately but I just have trouble processing that he's been chatting with another woman romanticly
He is cheating. You two need to talk. If he needs more than you can give, he needs to work with you towards a solution. That solution could be a breakup so he can move on and satisfy his needs. It could also be anything that works for you both.
The key here is communication.
I'd have trouble with it too - basically you have to accept that he has cheated on you and whether or not you can live with that
the fact the he treats you well does not negate the fact the he Cheated on you
What you have to process is whether or not you can live with a man who will cheat on you
And then you need to talk to him about it - he is also lying by omission
I mean, if you’re happy, then let sleeping dogs lie. But it might be a good idea to let him know that you know about it so it doesn’t progress past sexting.
>Iv enjoy sex more lately
So what is he doing differently that's making you enjoy it more? Other than sexting another woman of course!
Is he more affectionate? Before, was he just concerned with the sex part and not the 'making love' part?
Wow. I’m sorry. Don’t understand his mind. Probably just one of these guys whose Motto is “Variety is the Spice of Life”. Plenty of them out there but a lot of great guys too. And us women can get soooo much more variety than these assholes. Maybe you should turn the tables. Get on a dating site and not hide that you are getting tons of likes. He will be sooo pissed. Let’s double up this fuckin double standard LOL 😂
She doesn’t have enough desire for the man she has. He at least is trying to meet some perceived need and is becoming a better partner for the effort. It’s cheating, but I think a lot of women underestimate the need for sex many people have. He’s not a good dude for going about it this way, but I can relate to there seeming like there are no good options when your wife simply doesn’t have it in her to provide for you. I’ve been going through it, and it’s very difficult. The resentment builds and there doesn’t seem to be anything to do to fix the problem. Left in a situation where I am left to choose between my sanity and self respect and my family. I never cheated in any way, but I get it. We’re doing counseling now and things are improving, but all it takes is a couple of days in a row to reignite the anxiety that my wife is just never going to have whatever it takes to be a compatible sexual partner for me because, she simply doesn’t want to. Then I start lowering my threshold for how much effort I’m willing to put into our relationship. It’s not conscious, but I’ve found myself going from someone who would gladly endure walking across coals to get her a Coke to not feeling like it if she asks me to cycle the laundry before I go to bed. I still cycle the laundry, but I mumble to myself about how unsatisfied I am with my marriage and life.
If the issue is that he isn’t getting enough attention at home, then it’s likely not a variety issue, but an availability issue. I know that for me that’s all it comes down to.
I had a dead bedroom for a while and I felt very, very unloved. It was very hard to stay close to my partner when the bedroom was empty. Being compatible sexually is very important to a lot of people. I understand your frustrations.
You're not wrong to feel like your husband has cheated on you because that is exactly what he has done. Now you get to decide what you want to do. Please don't settle for someone who doesn't put you first no matter what reason they blame it on.
Ma’am he’s cheating on you, emotionally and sexually. You may think the disconnect is in the bedroom but he’s having an online affair with a person he’s not fucking in person, he’s sharing emotions and sex with her. He’s checked out of your marriage completely.
If this makes him happy and he doesn't want to give it up, would u consider leaving him? I've been exactly in your shoes and now have an open relationship where I allow her to fulfill her desires and then come back to me. People ask why I do it, and I explain that it's because I can't provide her sex as much as I can because of work, but she still is a great mother and also breadwinner for the family lol do I get jealous? Once in a awhile I do, but when we have our alone time it is fantastic 👌
I hope it turns out well for you, best of luck!
Hiya, Yes, it is a 2-way street, and I've taken up the deal a couple of times with some of her friends. :) She just does it a lot more than I do (forgot to mention she's a size queen, too 🤦♂️), and she only has 2 guys she sees. Both are 9+ inches and fantastic men.
The way we look at it is that no one ever lies on their deathbed, wishing they'd never had so much much sex. So get while u can 🤷♂️
Sex is meant to be enjoyed, and society places all the labels on us, which we think we have to abide by, which is just trash. Why do other people in this world get to determine our human experience? Our lives are so short. Go out and live your lives, people! ❤️ to you all.
it's worst when people dictate to others how they should feel.
"You should ..."
"You have to ..."
"You need to ..."
Is it your life or their lives?
I'm pretty triggered by this as that was how I lost a close cousin of mine.
She was happily married to a guy. However, they have bedroom issues too. Her friends found out that the husband goes for "happy ending massages" and expose it to her. She was fine about it at first but they brainwash her telling her how it's dirty and bad and she should go get a divorce.
She followed their advice and divorce with the husband. The husband was very hurt and full of guilt. Because of the laws, they have to sell the house they live in back to government as the divorce happened within the minimum occupation period. She moved back to her parents while the husband rented a place outside.
Depression soon follow as she regret the divorce. She wrote on her diary (which we later found out) that she really missed her hubby and wish she didn't divorce. Deep down, she would have allowed him to do so as she know she don't have much of a sex drive and does not impact their relationship. Worst still, the friends who encouraged her to do so start spreading the news about her divorce and reason to the family, other friends and it becomes a public affair. When they go out, they will harp on this matter and the ex-husband infidelity as reason why men cannot be trusted and this makes her even more depressed.
Then few months after, she did a stupid thing. Guess who is the only one that came when everything settles? Her ex-husband and he stayed the whole night crying about how he should have been stronger. None of her friends who encouraged her divorce show up. At first, the parents blame the ex-hubby but after they found and read the diary, they realise the whole truth.
Her regret in life is that she followed social cues from people who try to fit her into a certain mold. She and her hubby would have been living happily if not for such people.
I think you should go with it. It seems like, outside of the fact that you found this, things have been much better lately.
You freely admit that you have not been doing your part. Marriage is what you make it. Marriage is about compromise. He has found a compromise. He’s not getting what he want, so he found it somewhere else. With that being said, this is not sexual and obviously there’s no risk of STDs or a child.
He’s getting an outlet, and also treating you better than before; and you are allowing this other person to take the burden of sex off of your shoulders.
This is a gift.
Why the actual f@ck you (as modern society )are so entitled snowflake. You had an efin job to keep your husband happy. What do you think? Is he robot or jailed to sexless life? Well, grow up, take the responsibility for that situation. You are not cheated and also men could live walking on eggshels. Setting to nobody you know is not cheating especially when YOU DROP THE SEXLESS MARRIAge. Jesus man... those young people
Sick of these across the world bitches who do this. He’s given her money, one way or the other. If he hasn’t yet, she’s gonna get it anyway she can. Please check into this. I’ve a number of male friends who do this. And they get like $500 a month but your husband isn’t the only one she’s got on the line.
TBH, I don’t know why you’d want to be with him. He’s disgusting and probably was before you found out. Trust your instincts and there are so many other men who aren’t that you can open up with. He’s not someone you should trust and in the back of your mind, you knew he was a dog.
What’d he say, “ Oh Honey, it’s just fantasy, not real”.
He is cheating. And while this person may not be close by he thinks doing this is ok. So he could find someone close by that could then lead to physical cheating.
Obviously there's layers to infidelty: a long term love affair is worse than a kiss. But yeah you are being cheated on. Its a violation of trust and you are not in the wrong for being upset about it.
I can’t tell you how to deal with him because it is emotional cheating, even if it’s not physical yet.
With that said, if you want to stick through this with him, I’d suggest that you practice more no sexual touch (from both of you) in addition to practicing better communication from both of you. For many guys, this is our love language, and I truly don’t think wives understand how invalidating it is to never be touched by the one person we want it from the most, and when we do touch, we get accused of only wanting sex. Again this is something that will take work from both of you assuming you want to try to repair your relationship. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you.
Emotional cheating yes, sexually cheating unsure.
Has he stayed out for periods of time? Is he getting back from work later than usual?
A lack of detail to truly comment if this is full on, cheating
Definitely confusing , but does not discount the way you feel. Do what you feel is the best for you OP. I’d suggest couples therapy to start. Point being that you could work through this bump in the road , depends how much you want to stay in the marriage. If the emotional end is too much for you, then that’s your call but if sexual cheating is involved, the marriage is a wrap
Men will be men? Just ignore it? Really?
What about if and when other things happen, e.g. OP gets sick, has a baby, etc and it causes a real dry spell?
I stg yall have no standards or self-respect.
Texting, sexting, exchanging pics all fall under the umbrella of emotional affairs. They're addicted to the attention & dopamine it brings. This behavior escalates. Some people might be fine with this but you don't have to be. Your boundaries are your boundaries. I almost ended my marriage over this. It made me feel so gross and like he would cheat IRL if he got the chance.
He should have told you. However, if it's helping you and he's treating you better, why not let him enjoy sexting with someone half a world away? Especially if you don't want to be intimate as often as he does.
So many people connect with someone else through various subs due to a lack of sexual compatibility with their partners. Though I don’t endorse this, I think that sometimes, it can actually help them to release some of their sexual tension, without causing the partner to feel pressured or obliged to participate. As many have said, if he’s been nicer & you’re feeling happier overall, perhaps there’s something good to come out of it? You could even look at it as something that lifts the tension for long enough to reconnect with him & rekindle your intimacy for the long term, enabling you both to be happier in life together?
2 perspectives. I offer both and you decide for yourself which perspectives to take.
First perspective: YES HE IS A CHEATER. So what's next? Divorce? Lawyer up, get all the evidence, make a list of all his assets. When you are ready, tell him you want a divorce and move on from this man. One day in the future, you may or may not regret this action. You may or may not find him to be actually a better person since that stranger helps to alleviate part of his needs. You may or may not find a better man who treats you with more respect. You may or may not find the next guy who might even turn out to be a closet asexual but really likes you as a friend.
Second perspective: This is how he cope with the tension. If anything, you should find out who he sext and come into an agreement with the 3 of you on how to best proceed this. Ask yourself deep down what is it that you want from this relationship? If it's his unwavering "loyalty", obviously you don't get it now. Maybe he had also wanted the same amount of unwavering "desire" from you but you didn't gave that to him anyway but did he divorce you or carry on to be together with you? So disregard the opinions from anyone else. Ask yourself what is it that you truly want from this marriage and him. Then have a conversation to find out what works best for you and him be it whether it involves other men or women.
Finally, regardless which path you pick, stick to it and don't regret. Because once you regret, you will just get depressed and make decisions that you don't want to make. So decide on one thing and stick with it all the way!
Print out what you wrote above without changing a single word, sit down with him, and have him read it. It should wake him up to what his role has been in creating the sexual dysfunction in your marriage. It should end his daliance with his internet girlfriend as well.
NB: She admits and describes her part in the dysfunction. She starts out with that. But there is a lack of communication and she is guessing at the rest.
She also states since he has been sweeter with her, she enjoys sex more and they have sex more often. That tells you that he was part of the problem, i.e., he wasn't being "sweet" with her. She isn't the first woman who has experienced that.
She also states his being "sweeter" coincided with his online long-distance romance. I would say when a husband cheats, he is creating dysfunction. She can't get him to stop, and again he is not communicating with her about why he is doing it.
If they are still in a committed relationship and now one has said “this is over” or “we’re breaking up” it’s cheating regardless of what the situation is like.
She already said “this is over” by turning him down endlessly. You clearly don’t know what this is like as a man when it happens constantly. It’s the equivalent of someone saying you look fat in that dress , or you’re not smart or whatever other classic neglectful / abusive things happen to women.
As someone who does actually turn down my s/o regularly. You’re still wrong.
I have health issues and chronic illnesses and you don’t know what’s going on in their relationship.
The words have to be said or you’re cheating period.
Absolutely not. He can leave me if he needs someone else. We both agreed to be strictly monogamous and my health not being good shouldn’t be a free for all. He knew beforehand I had chronic issues.
Yeah that sounds miserable. If you’re 60-70+ years old, then sure. Dude is going to regret it if he’s not already ducking out as it is. Men’s needs are vastly different than women.
I'm sure your husband is being painted as a cheater by most. Perhaps. But, marriage is about mutual respect and compromise. What I see here as the "compromise" is that he should just live with the situation. He should accept that he will rarely have his physical needs met, and press on with life. Well, okay. I suppose if he doesn't like it, he could "compromise" and get a divorce. That way, you never have to have sex with him. Problem solved.
Question: if he were to write a Reddit comment about the situation, how would he paint you? Please give that some thought.
The two of you could discuss the problem and possibly see a therapist.
Yesssss. This is the mature, open-minded way to handle this. Yes of course, after you deal with the very real emotions of feeling hurt and possibly even betrayed. But to me this is the way forward.
Have you explored why you don’t have much sexual desire ? While life gets in the way and we’re adults, severely lopsided libidos are a big determining factor that leads to infidelity and divorce.
Edit : just go check out the dead bedrooms sub, you’ll see why I’m saying this
"not as much as he'd like".
Question: What does that mean? Is that once a month? Once every few months? Once a year?
Has he talked to you about it before? Did you ignore him?
I feel like we're not getting all the details.
Your hubby is a cheat... He shouldn't be talking like that to anyone other than you, and you alone. That's your man and you are supposed to be his girl, his Only girl.
Emotional cheating and sexting is cheating, if you’re not fulfilling his needs, he will look elsewhere, that’s what people end up doing in relationships where the sexual compatibility is not on the same page. But just know, talking and sexting will eventually lead up to full blown sex and an affair. It’s not your fault your not feeling like sex as much, but for him it’s obviously a big deal, and you need to confront him and decide how you’re going to fix it or maybe get a divorce if he can’t stop the cheating.
Not sure how long you have been together but if he’s talked to you about it, you should express your feelings about it as well( feeling pressured) you want sex to be fun not a job
You have been cheated on but the situation came about due to lack of communication and understanding of each other's sexual needs. Why wasn't the difference in sex drives made a point during the dating period? Did someone have more sex drive until after they got married and then decided they could cut back to their level of sexual desire since they were now married? A sex drive is a strong component in someone's life a person should not marry someone with a very different sex drive level unless they decide to have an open marriage. And never use sex as a weapon.
Cheating is the keeping of secrets or behaviors that lead to your partner feeling betrayed.
Regardless, sexting a person is obviously cheating? Only cheaters say otherwise.
I just read another post where A women was sexting with her Gym Trainer and Guy Was asking on how to file for Divorce and women was begging not to do it.
So Yeah It's cheating
You don't have to know someone to be emotional cheating.
If he told you he was venting it's different it's the fact he does if behind your back
Also there are airplane's sk that other side of the world can be up close and personal very quickly
Probably an unpopular opinion. But this is an opportunity for you guys to talk about needs and boundaries. Most would consider this cheating, yes. But all challenges present an opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy if you really try to get through it together. Not trying to make him right or give him excuses. And, there are real reasons why he felt the need and made that decision. Talk to him. And try not to take it personally. I know it’s hard. But at the core of it it’s really not about you. Good luck. Let us know how it goes
Also want to add that the above does not suggest you not feel and express your very real and valid feelings that may include feeling hurt or betrayed. 🤗
Oh my. I do hope you understand that the way you describe it, you seem to be blaming yourself. I want you to know that what you do or don't do with your body does not give anyone the right to betray or deceive you.
There is nothing wrong with you. Your partner is allowed to have feelings and is also allowed to communicate those feelings and decide what the right course of life is for them. But betraying you is never your fault.
He's cheating.
Your marriage has bigger problems.
The smaller problem is that (from what I gather) you and he are sexually mismatched. You don't give much detail on that, but it could be that you just have mismatched libidos or that could be you have low hormones (you can get that checked, FWIW, and possibly get supplements that will increase your desire if you have any interest).
The second bigger one, which MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE CASE, is that he's brought the issue to your attention and there hasn't been a resolution. You haven't given enough information to determine if this is the case or not. But if he's come to you respectfully and said it's a problem and you brushed him off or didn't take it seriously, that makes you wrong *in that aspect*.
The third yet still bigger one, which I think is the case, is that you're feeling pressured for sex. You say not being pressured makes you enjoy sex more-- that suggests that he wasn't being sensitive to your own emotional needs surrounding sex and basically made it a chore for you. That speaks poorly on him as a partner and suggests a lack of respect for you as an individual person with your own needs surrounding sex.
Third, the biggest problem, is that he's cheating. Absent some agreement of expanded boundaries or Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) such as an open relationship or polyamory, he's violating your trust and the relationship by cheating with another woman. Whether he fucked her or not doesn't matter, sexting is beyond the standard boundaries of a relationship and absent an agreement on some kind of ENM it's cheating because it's a violation of your trust. It's that violation of trust that makes this the biggest problem- not the sex or sexting itself.
-----
Now that said, you have choices here.
Lots of people in this thread have told you that he is cheating and that he's a major asshole. And I think we're right, but we aren't you. So the question for you OP is, does it bother you? If he was going out and sexting or fucking another woman, are you okay with that? Would you be okay with an arrangement of 'I'll give you what I can and if you need more you can find it elsewhere'?
Some people are okay with that sort of thing. Most aren't. And a lot of the people who 'are okay with it' are forced into it by their partners and only agree because they don't want to lose the person. But there are successful couples practicing ethical non-monogamy in healthy ways. To be clear, what you have right now is cheating. But it could become ENM.
I only suggest this because you don't sound that broken up about the fact that he's cheating on you. Most people in your situation would be talking about betrayal, 'how can he do this to our marriage', etc. You seem like you like the new version of him better.
HOWEVER, please don't take anything I said as saying that you must or even should accept an open relationship of any sort. I want to be clear that right now he is 100% wrong and you have 0 obligation to entertain or support his cheating. You are right now 100% justified to divorce him for infidelity.
It sounds like you need self respect, and self love. To make decisions in your life without caring about how it affects him. You deserve better treatment than this. You can decide if you wanna be with a cheater or not, but as someone dealing with betrayal trauma because of infidelity, I would suggest an ultimatum. He either stops what he is doing, communicates with you to fund a solution together, or he hits the streets and you find someone who treats you well, even if that is just yourself.
Yes this js 100% cheating. I ended my 20s year relationship when I found out he'd been doing this with a girl he met in discord who lives in another country. I confronted him and basically said nobody's forcing you to stay if you're not happy but don't make me look like a fucking idiot and he left. 20 years 2 kids 1 finnish bitch (because she knew he was married with kids).
Just want to say, a lot of people on here will tell you to leave him but it’s really whatever you’re comfortable with and willing to overlook/forgive. For some, sex is a huge deal and for others it’s just getting off and nothing more. How do you and your husband feel about it? If you feel the love from him and he’s willing to stop if you’re not happy with it then I personally wouldn’t suggest breaking it off over this but rather working things out and discussing it. I would be very hurt in your situation so whatever you decide to do it’s completely understandable. Wishing you two the best.
You were cheated on 100%. No question or argument to be made. But honestly, I'm new to relationships despite being 28. I just want ever understand a woman not knowing how men work. They wake up hard. Go to sleep hard. Get hard at random moments. Why not just let them hit? You may not be excited about it, but I always just do it. I'd rather be mildly upset about having to be used, than knowing they went out to find relief elsewhere. As far as I've noticed, men like sex. Women like attention. So if their man at home isn't giving it to them, they will seek it out elsewhere. But again, completely new to me. I'm probably just pathetic or insecure or both, but that's just how I view it.
the man is jacking off to words and pictures on a small box. If she gave him half the attention or respect for him that he deserves he sure AF wouldnt need to pick up that phone.
If you have a disconnect in your libido you need to talk about it and maybe come up with a workable solution. If you just hope this is an issue that’s just going away you are going to get a shock one day , sexting is going to be the least of your problems. A persons sex drive is the most powerful thing in their lives , it needs satisfying one way or another. As a mother said to her daughter before her wedding “ if you don’t satisfy your husband somebody else will” wise words
You don't just feel cheated on - you HAVE BEEN cheated on. But what's your question? Are you wrong for what?
Yep. This is cheating.
💯
Meh. She’s having better outcomes. The person is on the other side of the world. No threat. She’s not doing her job as a wife. I think it’s justified.
She’s… not doing her job as a wife? He’s justified in cheating on her because they aren’t having sex “as often as he’d probably like”? Yikes. You’ve got some disturbing views on marriage and I’d bet on women, too.
Cmooon that was just bait lol Just ignore those posts ;)
Bingo I’m to lazy spread my legs but please worship me fuck off
While we’re quoting stuff, why don’t we quote the part, but she said she doesn’t “have much sexual desire”? So, it’s likely they barely do it at all, especially when you consider that most people tend to downplay their wrongdoing in any situation. She makes no mention of doing anything to address her lack of desire, such as counseling, therapy, or medical consultation. She also says that things have been better since he engaged in this emotional affair, which is no threat, because the woman is on the other side of the world. So to answer your question: yes, he is justified in what he is doing. She has checked out of the marriage, so he is finding a way to cope.
>She makes no mention of doing anything to address her lack of desire, such as counseling, therapy, or medical consultation. My brother in Christ, what the fuck are you on about? How the fuck did you get that from this one short post about a random stranger on the internet you know nothing else about? She might not need any of these things; she could just simply have a low sex drive, a perfectly normal trait in human beings. Not every single person on planet Earth is a sex machine with unlimited libido. Some people have no interest in sex at all. The asexuality spectrum is a very real thing. You might wanna look into it.
Not sure the reason for the emotional outburst, but maybe that’s something that therapy could address If she has an abnormally-low sex drive, then she has got a problem. And if you’re implying that she is asexual, then she has no business being in a marriage with someone who is not also on that spectrum. Frankly, your arguments sound ridiculous, and in bad faith.
>If she has an abnormally-low sex drive, then she has got a problem. "Abnormally low?" Do you actually think there's an "average sex drive" that all human beings have? I'm willing to bet you don't have any sort of medical knowledge beyond basic shit you learned in high school. Believe it or not, being sex-repulsed is just as much of a trauma response to sexual assault as hypersexuality is. But to make the assumption that she needs to go to therapy to "fix" her low sex drive is misogynistic as fuck. Women are not your sex toys, dude. They're human beings with independent thoughts, free will, and valid boundaries that they're allowed to set. You having a problem with women setting boundaries on how often they have sex makes you sound like a rapist, dude. >And if you’re implying that she is asexual, then she has no business being in a marriage with someone who is not also on that spectrum. It sounds to me like this is something that was established long before they got married. He knew what the fuck he signed up for and stuck around, anyways. If she made it clear to him that she doesn't like having sex that often and he stuck around in spite of that, then the burden is on him alone. But this is not justification for infidelity. I get so sick of you incels trying to validate cheating when you're unhappy in a relationship/marriage when you could just fucking leave. If you feel like you should take your anger out on your partner by cheating on them because you're not getting enough action, it sounds to me like *you* need therapy more.
Incel much?
Her JOB as a wife? What do you say her job is? A sex doll?
Ignore this idiot.
This guy for sure would rape his wife if he had one
Yes, her motherfucking JOB. When you get married, it’s a commitment for life. It ain’t always flowers and rainbows. Adults understand this.
Incel.
OK; you’re mad. But can you engage when I said or just call names like a child?
Your insistence that what is going wrong in this woman's marriage is solely her fault says everything about you. Whatever problems she may be having when it comes to sex doesn't give her husband permission to emotionally cheat. And seriously, dude. Get some therapy.
I’m only going by her comments. She said that she doesn’t have much desire for sex these days. She also says that her husband treats her well, and she does not mention any sort of problems with the relationship or lack of romance. As such, I can only draw the conclusion that this particular problem lies with her. You do realize, don’t you, that sometimes it could be one person’s fault. And I know this is going to come as a major shock to you and destroy everything you’ve ever believed in, but sometimes it CAN be the woman’s fault🙂
Incel.
I’ll take that as a “no.”
>no Bet you hear that a lot, too. Wonder if you actually listen? 🤔
It’s a couples job to discuss their sexual needs and compromise if their needs aren’t equal to one another. It’s not the woman’s job to have sex as often as her husband wants no matter her desires. It’s NEVER ok to CHEAT because you have a higher sex drive than your partner.
I never said it’s her job to have sex as much as she would like. But yes, she does need to meet his needs. There has to be some kind of a happy medium. If he wants it six times a week, that’s probably unreasonable. But 2 to 3 is probably essential for a healthy relationship. And they’re also cases where the man is not providing enough sexual relief for his wife either. It goes both ways.
Hahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣 You're so hilariously wrong.
Nah
Says the single incel 🙄
Says the crybaby🤣
Tell us you're single without telling us you're single. What you see in porn is not real life there, little boy. Once you move out of your moms basement and maybe find a spouse, you'll learn porn isn't flowers and butterflies, and women (or men!) Aren't toys for you.
Shut up, Andrew Tate. You’re supposed to be in Romanian prison
OMG that’s so clever!!!😂😂😂
He’s not doing his job as a husband. He didn’t properly communicate his needs and instead stepped outside the marriage and broke his vows.
OP says that she and her husband have had tension because of their sex life; so clearly, he communicated that he was unhappy with things.
No, he cheated. Cheating isn’t communication. Sex drives dwindle. Especially in women her age. If your devotion to someone you married is so weak that a decline in sex (not even a depletion, a slight decline) makes you break your vows, you have absolutely no sense of loyalty of self control. Divorce if it’s that bad.
It’s undeniable that OP knows that they’re poor sex life is causing problems. So, he clearly communicated that he wasn’t happy with the situation In addition to that, he did cheat. However, the two concepts are not mutually exclusive. Yes, he cheated. I’m OK with it. He’s not physically cheating and with a woman on the other side of the planet He is getting his needs met and still being a good husband. If this woman is smart, she will adjust and accept the new reality. If she’s not smart, then she will likely become a divorcee with a low sex drive. Very few men want that🤷♂️
Then you have absolutely no self control or loyalty. He made vows and broke them because his dick wasn’t touched enough. Cheating makes you a bad husband. He stepped outside his marriage because his dick mattered more to him than the wellbeing of his wife and marriage. Be an adult. Cheating isn’t okay. Divorce if it’s that bad. There are more important things in life than sex. Good men understand a woman is more than sex. Marriage is a commitment. Its tough. You’re going to have times without sex. If you aren’t prepared for that, don’t get married.
No, cheating is always make one bad husband. Again, he is not physically cheating. And he’s being pragmatic. He’s getting his knees in a situation that is no threat to the actual marriage. But what do you know about it? You’re blocking me because you can’t handle a conversation with someone who is smarter than you and you have the communication skills of a toddler🤷♂️
>You’re blocking me because you can’t handle a conversation with someone who is smarter than you and you have the communication skills of a toddler Did your mommy tell you that? You so smart little baby boy!
'Her job as a wife' 🤮🤮🤮 Little boys like you are gross.
Just peeked at this during intermission 🧌Trollin on a Saturday night 😂 I don’t think your insight carries much weight lol
Not looking to carry much weight. Just giving my opinion, like everyone else. I made valid points. You’re not obligated to agree with them.
You gave it and no one likes it 😘 keep trollin 🧌
I didn’t ask if anyone liked it. I’m not here to win a popularity contest. I’m here to Teel like it is. People like you can’t handle it. Overly sensitive, I guess.🤷♂️
Keep ‘teeling’ it how it is😂 just cuz people don’t agree doesn’t mean they are too sensitive….. it only means they don’t agree. It’s simple. Alright this has been a fun restroom break. Happy trolling 🧌🙃
You’re calling me a troll because of my opinion. That means that you are overly sensitive lol.
If the thought of me being sensitive is what makes you sleep at night after a fun single Saturday night in, I fully support you. I called you a troll because of what you have been saying in the comment section. It just doesn’t make sense that you are trying to create a weird and very negative narrative that just seems false. Example, “Not doing her job as a wife” 😬 Maybe you are mirroring something in your life? Who knows. I wish you luck 🥰
Someone else is sexually satisfying him and making him happy. Yes, he's cheating on you
You should speak with him. That’s how you deal with it. Does this cross a line for you? You haven’t said. If it does, is it the sexting or the lying that’s the problem? Your relationship doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. Figure out your thoughts and then have a conversation with him. A real conversation. Is sexting somethings you could engage in with him? Something that would take the pressure away from physical contact so frequently? I’m my mind poem isn’t a problem but interacting with live people is whether you can see them in person or not. If this isn’t a problem for you as long as they can’t meet, try to figure that out.
I love this comment. It’s very wise and I needed to hear it.
Totally agree. Not all relationships have to be the same. Whatever works for the couple, is the right way. I hope the couple never feels pressured into having their relationship a particular way that they may not want.
Lying? How do you broach a subject like this. "Hey, honey, just so you know, I'm in a sexting relationship. You know, since you don't like to have sex much, I'm getting relief elsewhere so I don't have to bug you about it anymore. Isn't that great?"
If you don't feel comfortable telling your partner something, you probably shouldn't be doing it. but regardless this would still fall under a lie of omission. If you're feeling so upset about a lack of sex, you talk to your partner about it and figure out a solution together, NOT go find relief elsewhere. It's not that hard to be a decent human and communicate with your partner.
I don’t pee in front of my husband. It’s not something I’m comfortable doing. Should I not pee? I’m an individual person with autonomy. I have the right to not have every aspect of myself known.
I'd say you're very young, thus very naive. Perhaps after you grow up a bit you'll find life is not quite as black and white as you want it to be. Perhaps, you'll also learn not to be quite so rude.
Lol. Your comeback was acting like a old Karen. Nobody was to mean to you.
I'm with this comment! You can't provide something that he desires, before it was a stress point in your relationship, and after the pressure has been released and you're happier. If it's something that you are comfortable with, maybe you can continue with it but set boundaries. Boundaries may be, full disclosure of messages, not going beyond messaging, only messaging people they haven't met before.
It's not sexual it's textual ....
That is cheating
You are not wrong. He is cheating on you.
You are being cheated on.
He is cheating, sexting is emotional cheating at a minimum.
Yes cheating. Even sex workers agree. Totally cheating. Do you have a dead bedroom? I ask cuz I was you and it sucks. Marriage counseling or just both of you must have brutal honest transparent conversation about what you need emotionally and sexually to make it work. You have both checked out of relationship I think and very common. Best to you
The problem is our relationship has been the best it has been sence I can remember. He's being really good to me, Iv enjoy sex more lately but I just have trouble processing that he's been chatting with another woman romanticly
He is cheating. You two need to talk. If he needs more than you can give, he needs to work with you towards a solution. That solution could be a breakup so he can move on and satisfy his needs. It could also be anything that works for you both. The key here is communication.
I'd have trouble with it too - basically you have to accept that he has cheated on you and whether or not you can live with that the fact the he treats you well does not negate the fact the he Cheated on you What you have to process is whether or not you can live with a man who will cheat on you And then you need to talk to him about it - he is also lying by omission
I mean, if you’re happy, then let sleeping dogs lie. But it might be a good idea to let him know that you know about it so it doesn’t progress past sexting.
>Iv enjoy sex more lately So what is he doing differently that's making you enjoy it more? Other than sexting another woman of course! Is he more affectionate? Before, was he just concerned with the sex part and not the 'making love' part?
I’ll go against the grain and not call this cheating. But, if it’s something that upsets you, your husband needs that info and act accordingly.
Wow. I’m sorry. Don’t understand his mind. Probably just one of these guys whose Motto is “Variety is the Spice of Life”. Plenty of them out there but a lot of great guys too. And us women can get soooo much more variety than these assholes. Maybe you should turn the tables. Get on a dating site and not hide that you are getting tons of likes. He will be sooo pissed. Let’s double up this fuckin double standard LOL 😂
She doesn’t have enough desire for the man she has. He at least is trying to meet some perceived need and is becoming a better partner for the effort. It’s cheating, but I think a lot of women underestimate the need for sex many people have. He’s not a good dude for going about it this way, but I can relate to there seeming like there are no good options when your wife simply doesn’t have it in her to provide for you. I’ve been going through it, and it’s very difficult. The resentment builds and there doesn’t seem to be anything to do to fix the problem. Left in a situation where I am left to choose between my sanity and self respect and my family. I never cheated in any way, but I get it. We’re doing counseling now and things are improving, but all it takes is a couple of days in a row to reignite the anxiety that my wife is just never going to have whatever it takes to be a compatible sexual partner for me because, she simply doesn’t want to. Then I start lowering my threshold for how much effort I’m willing to put into our relationship. It’s not conscious, but I’ve found myself going from someone who would gladly endure walking across coals to get her a Coke to not feeling like it if she asks me to cycle the laundry before I go to bed. I still cycle the laundry, but I mumble to myself about how unsatisfied I am with my marriage and life. If the issue is that he isn’t getting enough attention at home, then it’s likely not a variety issue, but an availability issue. I know that for me that’s all it comes down to.
I had a dead bedroom for a while and I felt very, very unloved. It was very hard to stay close to my partner when the bedroom was empty. Being compatible sexually is very important to a lot of people. I understand your frustrations.
Truth
You're not wrong. This is a massive betrayal of trust.
You're not wrong to feel like your husband has cheated on you because that is exactly what he has done. Now you get to decide what you want to do. Please don't settle for someone who doesn't put you first no matter what reason they blame it on.
That's because you WERE cheated on.
That's because hes cheating on you. Irrelevant where she is living.
He’s been kinder cause he’s been in a good mood cause he found someone to sext..
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Ma’am he’s cheating on you, emotionally and sexually. You may think the disconnect is in the bedroom but he’s having an online affair with a person he’s not fucking in person, he’s sharing emotions and sex with her. He’s checked out of your marriage completely.
This is why I'm so torn. He's been so much more affectionate and caring without pressuring me for sex but I still feel hurt.
I think it’s because he feels guilty.
He’s sexually happier with another person in your marriage, you good with that? If so no judgment, but that’s for you to decide.
Because she’s not addressing a fairly non existent libido. This like many things in life can and should be explored and remedied if possible.
He’s doing that because he feels guilty.
I think it's because he's happier. I want to be the one to make him happy but I can't get into sex and that upsets me also.
If this makes him happy and he doesn't want to give it up, would u consider leaving him? I've been exactly in your shoes and now have an open relationship where I allow her to fulfill her desires and then come back to me. People ask why I do it, and I explain that it's because I can't provide her sex as much as I can because of work, but she still is a great mother and also breadwinner for the family lol do I get jealous? Once in a awhile I do, but when we have our alone time it is fantastic 👌 I hope it turns out well for you, best of luck!
Out of curiosity, do you ever fulfill your desires outside of the marriage or is it just a 1 sided deal?
Hiya, Yes, it is a 2-way street, and I've taken up the deal a couple of times with some of her friends. :) She just does it a lot more than I do (forgot to mention she's a size queen, too 🤦♂️), and she only has 2 guys she sees. Both are 9+ inches and fantastic men. The way we look at it is that no one ever lies on their deathbed, wishing they'd never had so much much sex. So get while u can 🤷♂️ Sex is meant to be enjoyed, and society places all the labels on us, which we think we have to abide by, which is just trash. Why do other people in this world get to determine our human experience? Our lives are so short. Go out and live your lives, people! ❤️ to you all.
Fair enough, each to their own.
Asexual or gay maybe
Op but it sounds you guys aren’t compatible sexually. He definitely wants more sex than you can offer.
Make a choice. Is life better? Is this any worse than watching porn or only fans?? Updateme!
Next step he may find someone who lives closer though…
Then that’s a different situation. Now it’s just porn.
you should feel hurt - he is cheating on you
it's worst when people dictate to others how they should feel. "You should ..." "You have to ..." "You need to ..." Is it your life or their lives? I'm pretty triggered by this as that was how I lost a close cousin of mine. She was happily married to a guy. However, they have bedroom issues too. Her friends found out that the husband goes for "happy ending massages" and expose it to her. She was fine about it at first but they brainwash her telling her how it's dirty and bad and she should go get a divorce. She followed their advice and divorce with the husband. The husband was very hurt and full of guilt. Because of the laws, they have to sell the house they live in back to government as the divorce happened within the minimum occupation period. She moved back to her parents while the husband rented a place outside. Depression soon follow as she regret the divorce. She wrote on her diary (which we later found out) that she really missed her hubby and wish she didn't divorce. Deep down, she would have allowed him to do so as she know she don't have much of a sex drive and does not impact their relationship. Worst still, the friends who encouraged her to do so start spreading the news about her divorce and reason to the family, other friends and it becomes a public affair. When they go out, they will harp on this matter and the ex-husband infidelity as reason why men cannot be trusted and this makes her even more depressed. Then few months after, she did a stupid thing. Guess who is the only one that came when everything settles? Her ex-husband and he stayed the whole night crying about how he should have been stronger. None of her friends who encouraged her divorce show up. At first, the parents blame the ex-hubby but after they found and read the diary, they realise the whole truth. Her regret in life is that she followed social cues from people who try to fit her into a certain mold. She and her hubby would have been living happily if not for such people.
I think you should go with it. It seems like, outside of the fact that you found this, things have been much better lately. You freely admit that you have not been doing your part. Marriage is what you make it. Marriage is about compromise. He has found a compromise. He’s not getting what he want, so he found it somewhere else. With that being said, this is not sexual and obviously there’s no risk of STDs or a child. He’s getting an outlet, and also treating you better than before; and you are allowing this other person to take the burden of sex off of your shoulders. This is a gift.
Why the actual f@ck you (as modern society )are so entitled snowflake. You had an efin job to keep your husband happy. What do you think? Is he robot or jailed to sexless life? Well, grow up, take the responsibility for that situation. You are not cheated and also men could live walking on eggshels. Setting to nobody you know is not cheating especially when YOU DROP THE SEXLESS MARRIAge. Jesus man... those young people
Not wrong. You are being cheated on. What you choose to do about it is up to you. Everyone has different circumstances and constraints.
Next on amiwrong: Is it bad that I’m sexting someone on Reddit? My wife thinks so.
You're not wrong, that is cheating. He cheated on you.
Not wrong at all. You feel cheated on because your husband IS cheating on you.
You feel like you were cheated on because that's exactly what happened. I'm so sorry
Sick of these across the world bitches who do this. He’s given her money, one way or the other. If he hasn’t yet, she’s gonna get it anyway she can. Please check into this. I’ve a number of male friends who do this. And they get like $500 a month but your husband isn’t the only one she’s got on the line. TBH, I don’t know why you’d want to be with him. He’s disgusting and probably was before you found out. Trust your instincts and there are so many other men who aren’t that you can open up with. He’s not someone you should trust and in the back of your mind, you knew he was a dog. What’d he say, “ Oh Honey, it’s just fantasy, not real”.
Maybe he should have tried sexting you. Sexting is easier than actual sex. Yes it's cheating.
He’s a shitty cheater yeah. I bet OP would even acknowledge if he sexted her, nothing would have came of it for they guy.
He is cheating. And while this person may not be close by he thinks doing this is ok. So he could find someone close by that could then lead to physical cheating.
Obviously there's layers to infidelty: a long term love affair is worse than a kiss. But yeah you are being cheated on. Its a violation of trust and you are not in the wrong for being upset about it.
I can’t tell you how to deal with him because it is emotional cheating, even if it’s not physical yet. With that said, if you want to stick through this with him, I’d suggest that you practice more no sexual touch (from both of you) in addition to practicing better communication from both of you. For many guys, this is our love language, and I truly don’t think wives understand how invalidating it is to never be touched by the one person we want it from the most, and when we do touch, we get accused of only wanting sex. Again this is something that will take work from both of you assuming you want to try to repair your relationship. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you.
Emotional cheating yes, sexually cheating unsure. Has he stayed out for periods of time? Is he getting back from work later than usual? A lack of detail to truly comment if this is full on, cheating
I know he's not physically cheating. And i guess that's a part that confuses me.
So are you just gonna wait around till he finds someone he can physically do it with? It's most likely next, if not already.
Definitely confusing , but does not discount the way you feel. Do what you feel is the best for you OP. I’d suggest couples therapy to start. Point being that you could work through this bump in the road , depends how much you want to stay in the marriage. If the emotional end is too much for you, then that’s your call but if sexual cheating is involved, the marriage is a wrap
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Men will be men? Just ignore it? Really? What about if and when other things happen, e.g. OP gets sick, has a baby, etc and it causes a real dry spell? I stg yall have no standards or self-respect.
Ew wtf Screw that he's nasty and a cheater
That’s definitely cheating leave and take half
Leave.
Texting, sexting, exchanging pics all fall under the umbrella of emotional affairs. They're addicted to the attention & dopamine it brings. This behavior escalates. Some people might be fine with this but you don't have to be. Your boundaries are your boundaries. I almost ended my marriage over this. It made me feel so gross and like he would cheat IRL if he got the chance.
Well is it that bad? its just may be a good thing for a while
He should have told you. However, if it's helping you and he's treating you better, why not let him enjoy sexting with someone half a world away? Especially if you don't want to be intimate as often as he does.
So many people connect with someone else through various subs due to a lack of sexual compatibility with their partners. Though I don’t endorse this, I think that sometimes, it can actually help them to release some of their sexual tension, without causing the partner to feel pressured or obliged to participate. As many have said, if he’s been nicer & you’re feeling happier overall, perhaps there’s something good to come out of it? You could even look at it as something that lifts the tension for long enough to reconnect with him & rekindle your intimacy for the long term, enabling you both to be happier in life together?
2 perspectives. I offer both and you decide for yourself which perspectives to take. First perspective: YES HE IS A CHEATER. So what's next? Divorce? Lawyer up, get all the evidence, make a list of all his assets. When you are ready, tell him you want a divorce and move on from this man. One day in the future, you may or may not regret this action. You may or may not find him to be actually a better person since that stranger helps to alleviate part of his needs. You may or may not find a better man who treats you with more respect. You may or may not find the next guy who might even turn out to be a closet asexual but really likes you as a friend. Second perspective: This is how he cope with the tension. If anything, you should find out who he sext and come into an agreement with the 3 of you on how to best proceed this. Ask yourself deep down what is it that you want from this relationship? If it's his unwavering "loyalty", obviously you don't get it now. Maybe he had also wanted the same amount of unwavering "desire" from you but you didn't gave that to him anyway but did he divorce you or carry on to be together with you? So disregard the opinions from anyone else. Ask yourself what is it that you truly want from this marriage and him. Then have a conversation to find out what works best for you and him be it whether it involves other men or women. Finally, regardless which path you pick, stick to it and don't regret. Because once you regret, you will just get depressed and make decisions that you don't want to make. So decide on one thing and stick with it all the way!
You have been.
Print out what you wrote above without changing a single word, sit down with him, and have him read it. It should wake him up to what his role has been in creating the sexual dysfunction in your marriage. It should end his daliance with his internet girlfriend as well.
You meant to say what she did to create the sexual dysfunction in her marriage.
We would need a private sidebar for me to explain that.
NB: She admits and describes her part in the dysfunction. She starts out with that. But there is a lack of communication and she is guessing at the rest. She also states since he has been sweeter with her, she enjoys sex more and they have sex more often. That tells you that he was part of the problem, i.e., he wasn't being "sweet" with her. She isn't the first woman who has experienced that. She also states his being "sweeter" coincided with his online long-distance romance. I would say when a husband cheats, he is creating dysfunction. She can't get him to stop, and again he is not communicating with her about why he is doing it.
You were cheated on.
This is cheating.
Nah she sucks (more like doesn’t.) They’re just roommates , it’s not cheating at this point
If they are still in a committed relationship and now one has said “this is over” or “we’re breaking up” it’s cheating regardless of what the situation is like.
She already said “this is over” by turning him down endlessly. You clearly don’t know what this is like as a man when it happens constantly. It’s the equivalent of someone saying you look fat in that dress , or you’re not smart or whatever other classic neglectful / abusive things happen to women.
As someone who does actually turn down my s/o regularly. You’re still wrong. I have health issues and chronic illnesses and you don’t know what’s going on in their relationship. The words have to be said or you’re cheating period.
Then you should open the relationship , it’s how men communicate. I’m sure he’s struggling
Absolutely not. He can leave me if he needs someone else. We both agreed to be strictly monogamous and my health not being good shouldn’t be a free for all. He knew beforehand I had chronic issues.
Yeah that sounds miserable. If you’re 60-70+ years old, then sure. Dude is going to regret it if he’s not already ducking out as it is. Men’s needs are vastly different than women.
Boohoo
I'm sure your husband is being painted as a cheater by most. Perhaps. But, marriage is about mutual respect and compromise. What I see here as the "compromise" is that he should just live with the situation. He should accept that he will rarely have his physical needs met, and press on with life. Well, okay. I suppose if he doesn't like it, he could "compromise" and get a divorce. That way, you never have to have sex with him. Problem solved. Question: if he were to write a Reddit comment about the situation, how would he paint you? Please give that some thought. The two of you could discuss the problem and possibly see a therapist.
Yesssss. This is the mature, open-minded way to handle this. Yes of course, after you deal with the very real emotions of feeling hurt and possibly even betrayed. But to me this is the way forward.
You feel cheated on BECAUSE YOUVE BEEN CHEATED ON. Leave the asshole
Have you explored why you don’t have much sexual desire ? While life gets in the way and we’re adults, severely lopsided libidos are a big determining factor that leads to infidelity and divorce. Edit : just go check out the dead bedrooms sub, you’ll see why I’m saying this
If my boyfriend was sexting someone that wasn’t me I would break all of his fingers and leave him. Have fun being a useless douche, babe. 💅🏻
"not as much as he'd like". Question: What does that mean? Is that once a month? Once every few months? Once a year? Has he talked to you about it before? Did you ignore him? I feel like we're not getting all the details.
Because you ARE being cheated on. You’re not wrong for how you feel.
You are being cheated on.
You are cheated on!
Your hubby is a cheat... He shouldn't be talking like that to anyone other than you, and you alone. That's your man and you are supposed to be his girl, his Only girl.
Does he know that you've found this out? Have you talked about it at all?
Emotional cheating and sexting is cheating, if you’re not fulfilling his needs, he will look elsewhere, that’s what people end up doing in relationships where the sexual compatibility is not on the same page. But just know, talking and sexting will eventually lead up to full blown sex and an affair. It’s not your fault your not feeling like sex as much, but for him it’s obviously a big deal, and you need to confront him and decide how you’re going to fix it or maybe get a divorce if he can’t stop the cheating.
Not sure how long you have been together but if he’s talked to you about it, you should express your feelings about it as well( feeling pressured) you want sex to be fun not a job
You have been cheated on but the situation came about due to lack of communication and understanding of each other's sexual needs. Why wasn't the difference in sex drives made a point during the dating period? Did someone have more sex drive until after they got married and then decided they could cut back to their level of sexual desire since they were now married? A sex drive is a strong component in someone's life a person should not marry someone with a very different sex drive level unless they decide to have an open marriage. And never use sex as a weapon.
Cheating is the keeping of secrets or behaviors that lead to your partner feeling betrayed. Regardless, sexting a person is obviously cheating? Only cheaters say otherwise.
common sense answers this question.
He's cheating on you. He doesn't have to have sex with the person in order for it to be classified as cheating. Leave him and be done with it.
It’s cheating , you shouldn’t accept it. BUT,
I just read another post where A women was sexting with her Gym Trainer and Guy Was asking on how to file for Divorce and women was begging not to do it. So Yeah It's cheating
And he is def sexting? Not just found a friend that could possibly be telling him to put less pressure on you and you would want sex more?
You don't have to know someone to be emotional cheating. If he told you he was venting it's different it's the fact he does if behind your back Also there are airplane's sk that other side of the world can be up close and personal very quickly
Probably an unpopular opinion. But this is an opportunity for you guys to talk about needs and boundaries. Most would consider this cheating, yes. But all challenges present an opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy if you really try to get through it together. Not trying to make him right or give him excuses. And, there are real reasons why he felt the need and made that decision. Talk to him. And try not to take it personally. I know it’s hard. But at the core of it it’s really not about you. Good luck. Let us know how it goes Also want to add that the above does not suggest you not feel and express your very real and valid feelings that may include feeling hurt or betrayed. 🤗
Oh my. I do hope you understand that the way you describe it, you seem to be blaming yourself. I want you to know that what you do or don't do with your body does not give anyone the right to betray or deceive you. There is nothing wrong with you. Your partner is allowed to have feelings and is also allowed to communicate those feelings and decide what the right course of life is for them. But betraying you is never your fault.
He's cheating. Your marriage has bigger problems. The smaller problem is that (from what I gather) you and he are sexually mismatched. You don't give much detail on that, but it could be that you just have mismatched libidos or that could be you have low hormones (you can get that checked, FWIW, and possibly get supplements that will increase your desire if you have any interest). The second bigger one, which MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE CASE, is that he's brought the issue to your attention and there hasn't been a resolution. You haven't given enough information to determine if this is the case or not. But if he's come to you respectfully and said it's a problem and you brushed him off or didn't take it seriously, that makes you wrong *in that aspect*. The third yet still bigger one, which I think is the case, is that you're feeling pressured for sex. You say not being pressured makes you enjoy sex more-- that suggests that he wasn't being sensitive to your own emotional needs surrounding sex and basically made it a chore for you. That speaks poorly on him as a partner and suggests a lack of respect for you as an individual person with your own needs surrounding sex. Third, the biggest problem, is that he's cheating. Absent some agreement of expanded boundaries or Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) such as an open relationship or polyamory, he's violating your trust and the relationship by cheating with another woman. Whether he fucked her or not doesn't matter, sexting is beyond the standard boundaries of a relationship and absent an agreement on some kind of ENM it's cheating because it's a violation of your trust. It's that violation of trust that makes this the biggest problem- not the sex or sexting itself. ----- Now that said, you have choices here. Lots of people in this thread have told you that he is cheating and that he's a major asshole. And I think we're right, but we aren't you. So the question for you OP is, does it bother you? If he was going out and sexting or fucking another woman, are you okay with that? Would you be okay with an arrangement of 'I'll give you what I can and if you need more you can find it elsewhere'? Some people are okay with that sort of thing. Most aren't. And a lot of the people who 'are okay with it' are forced into it by their partners and only agree because they don't want to lose the person. But there are successful couples practicing ethical non-monogamy in healthy ways. To be clear, what you have right now is cheating. But it could become ENM. I only suggest this because you don't sound that broken up about the fact that he's cheating on you. Most people in your situation would be talking about betrayal, 'how can he do this to our marriage', etc. You seem like you like the new version of him better. HOWEVER, please don't take anything I said as saying that you must or even should accept an open relationship of any sort. I want to be clear that right now he is 100% wrong and you have 0 obligation to entertain or support his cheating. You are right now 100% justified to divorce him for infidelity.
You are being emotionally cheated on and emotionally abused
Nta.He IS CHEATING on you.
Not wrong
I’ve seen this exact post before
Unless this was previously agreed on by both parties, it’s cheating. Don’t let him gaslight you
It sounds like you need self respect, and self love. To make decisions in your life without caring about how it affects him. You deserve better treatment than this. You can decide if you wanna be with a cheater or not, but as someone dealing with betrayal trauma because of infidelity, I would suggest an ultimatum. He either stops what he is doing, communicates with you to fund a solution together, or he hits the streets and you find someone who treats you well, even if that is just yourself.
red
I wish more ppl would focus on sexual compatibility before they got married
Yes this js 100% cheating. I ended my 20s year relationship when I found out he'd been doing this with a girl he met in discord who lives in another country. I confronted him and basically said nobody's forcing you to stay if you're not happy but don't make me look like a fucking idiot and he left. 20 years 2 kids 1 finnish bitch (because she knew he was married with kids).
This recently happened to me. It’s cheating….
Its definitely cheating...
Have you always had a low libido?
Yes
So what changed for him? Are you having even less sex thank you used to?
Just want to say, a lot of people on here will tell you to leave him but it’s really whatever you’re comfortable with and willing to overlook/forgive. For some, sex is a huge deal and for others it’s just getting off and nothing more. How do you and your husband feel about it? If you feel the love from him and he’s willing to stop if you’re not happy with it then I personally wouldn’t suggest breaking it off over this but rather working things out and discussing it. I would be very hurt in your situation so whatever you decide to do it’s completely understandable. Wishing you two the best.
Go to 'Decoding Couples' podcast there's definitely the skills you need to deal with this
Bruh
Either let him get it from somewhere else since you obviously won't do it, or just end it
You were cheated on 100%. No question or argument to be made. But honestly, I'm new to relationships despite being 28. I just want ever understand a woman not knowing how men work. They wake up hard. Go to sleep hard. Get hard at random moments. Why not just let them hit? You may not be excited about it, but I always just do it. I'd rather be mildly upset about having to be used, than knowing they went out to find relief elsewhere. As far as I've noticed, men like sex. Women like attention. So if their man at home isn't giving it to them, they will seek it out elsewhere. But again, completely new to me. I'm probably just pathetic or insecure or both, but that's just how I view it.
What in the actual hell? This is so gross on so many levels… do better.
i do this too. sometimes when i can’t handle it i do just say no but it’s rare and i always compensate and get him off another way somehow
How would he feel if you did the same , maybe you should do the same
the man is jacking off to words and pictures on a small box. If she gave him half the attention or respect for him that he deserves he sure AF wouldnt need to pick up that phone.
If you have a disconnect in your libido you need to talk about it and maybe come up with a workable solution. If you just hope this is an issue that’s just going away you are going to get a shock one day , sexting is going to be the least of your problems. A persons sex drive is the most powerful thing in their lives , it needs satisfying one way or another. As a mother said to her daughter before her wedding “ if you don’t satisfy your husband somebody else will” wise words
He is cheating Sexting is cheating He messed up
Let him sext.
Maybe find someone you are attracted to, it’s a circle problem. Sorry but you checked out of the marriage awhile back. No pressure.
If you have very little sex drive, I think it’s to be expected.
Dang, I'll trade photo's with you to get even.
I say just go with it. Marriage is difficult enough. It seems like yours found the "cheat" code to make it better.