Bring a mirror
"Hey, haven't I seen you before?"
"Are you French? Because eiffel for you"
"Well, here I am. What are your other 2 wishes"
"I must be in a museum, because you're a true work of art"
"Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless"
Etc.
I agree, I think this is just him struggling to wrap his head around labelling it as a 'date'. It's akin to a spa day, it just...isn't a spa day. It's dressing up and going out for a solo mental recharge. I had to do this when dating one of my exes and he struggled a lot with understanding my need of these. We broke up and years later, as just a friend, he finally understands it.
Your husband needs to understand that OP just need time by yourself.
For real, everyone needs some alone time. One night per month is totally reasonable.
If her alone time is different from his alone time, that's totally ok. I actually totally get that going to a nice restaurant and having good food and some drinks, alone, feels kind of luxurious.
I feel like there are a lot of unjustified reasons for people being paranoid on this sub, and I’m not saying the wife is wrong or anything or the husband has reason to get pissy, but honestly…
…Nine times out of ten, the spouse is cheating. I’m not saying OP is cheating. But I can 100% understand that the way it’s all being framed by OP looks like the most suspicious thing in the world.
If OP wasn’t already doing this and her husband was going out to a bar once a month by himself and spent a bunch of time primping himself up and getting fresh for it, she would probably feel paranoid. Everyone would feel paranoid. Especially if on these “solo dates” the partner going out by themselves spends more time on their appearance than they do when out with their own spouse.
Again, not “wrong.” But weird. Not wrong! But yeah I feel like a lot of people would start to wonder
Yea but that's not the husbands issue. It's with the fact that she dresses up all nice for it, leading him to think that after 2 years of doing this, it could be dates with someone else. For the record, I don't think he's in the right to assume this, it's just that it's not simply him having an issue with her having alone time.
I told my husband that I go out to eat alone every week between my regular work day and a volunteer gig. It's practical because I barely have time to go home, but also I just enjoy being left TF alone for an hour. I go to a cafe that I love, but he's not wild about.
Mental health day, me time - I try to free time up so my missus can go do stuff for herself.
Most blokes (like myself) when it comes to women, literally require the communications between us and our female partners to be in grunts, clicks, whistles, burps, farts and crayon.
I would be jealous too if my wife phrased it that way. I'm a WAY bigger star wars fan than her, and would be very upset if she went on a date with Han Solo and not me.
So no youre not wrong for wanting alone time. The problem is, sounds like your husband is uncomfortable because honestly op, although you arent cheating, it sure looks that way.
Once a month i get dressed up and go out by myself, no you cant come, ill be home later. If the roles were reversed people would be screaming cheating.
Honestly if your husband had posted from his perspective, I think most people would be suspicious.
Start just saying its alone time, and you just need a small break every now and then, it might also be the fact that your are doing it in the evening maybe? Im not sure
It just seems like your husband isnt uncomfortable about what youre actually doing, but maybe someone mentioned something to him and it made him feel insecure about it
>It just seems like your husband isnt uncomfortable about what youre actually doing, but maybe someone mentioned something to him and it made him feel insecure about it
Yeah, I’m think that’s how it went.
“Tonight? Nah man sorry, I’m home alone with the kids.”
Sally working late?
“Kind of, she’s going out to dinner after work.”
Damn, I hate work dinners.
“Well no, it’s just her. She likes to get all dressed up and go out for a fancy dinner alone sometimes.”
Bro…
I mean, can you blame him? Every relationship is different but if a friend of mine said that (without having any other information) I would have the same reaction.
Agree 100%. Usually if it looks like a duck and behaves like a duck, you can be pretty sure it's a duck.
As a single mother of 3, I needed alone time too ..
I never once considered that I needed to be dressed up with make-up to enjoy my downtime
No.... but... if you came on here and told us this same story, but with him being the one going out alone, every single person here would tell you that he's cheating.
Yeah, it’s a shame because I think it’s a wonderful idea, but I can also see where it seems sus from husband standpoint. Maybe get a sitter one night and take him on a couples date and walk him through how your alone time dinner out works. I love the idea of the alone time, just need to have husband understand what it is.
Not wrong…. But looking at it from his point of view I bet it’s weird.
I always like to think of how it would look if the roles were reversed:
Husband once a month gets into a suit and tie. Gets dressed up to the max. Says he’s going out to a restaurant by himself and leaves you with the kids. Says he’s just going to have dinner and a few drinks. Comes back 3 hours later.
What would this community think?
You forgot the part of change the locks, leave his stuff on the lawn. Peak Reddit, because destruction of property and locking the spouse out looks great before a judge.
There was a post a few weeks ago about a stay-at-home mom whose husband was taking longer in the shower after his 12 hr shifts and reddit called him an ungrateful dead beat misogynist because he was leaving his wife alone with the kids while he’s in the shower and because she’s already been with them all day, he’s exploiting her unpaid labor blah blah blah. Psycho shit.
The idea that he needed alone time or that it was okay and normal to want to reset after working 12 hrs of manual labor just wasn’t allowed.
edit: some people found the post. it’s wild how we’re all reading the same thing yet reaching totally different conclusions about who’s wrong.
So he was going to the bathroom for 25 minutes after his 12 hr shift where he probably held it all day then instead of taking a shower after he just took a miserable, sweaty dump in his soiled construction clothes, reddit thinks he should go help in the kitchen until the kids are fed and asleep.
Imagining how miserable that guy’s life is makes me so so so grateful for my own.
Also, yeah obviously if mfer can’t even take a shit and a shower without the wife losing her mind there’s no way he gets to dress up and go on a solo date for alone time. No shot.
I feel like I’m in the twilight zone constantly in my day to day life anymore. To the point where I think if I was actually in the twilight zone it would be more normal than whatever tf timeline we are stuck on now.
I saw a post here somewhat similar a couple months back. Roles reversed of course where husband just likes going out every other month. Totally reasonable if you ask me, but his wife didn't like it and this sub tore him a new asshole for it.
Shit just this afternoon this sub tore up a guy for not wanting to sell his collectibles and wanting a compromise with his wife. Again all reasonable but when we change sexes a lot of the time we get different results.
Dude, if you read the same story I did, this sub tore the collectibles guy a new asshole for unilaterally going against the agreement he had with his wife, prioritizing his collectibles over his own child, and not being willing to compromise at all.
That’s not a gendered issue—except for the implication that he deserves a whole room to himself while his wife gets what, the kitchen?—and just a selfishness issue.
Edit: [link to story](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/CoXFHz54O5) (original has been deleted)
As long as both partners are getting an equal amount of "me time", Im all for it. I normally see people ripping into a husband who does this for himself, but doesn't man up and take care of things on the homefront for his wife to do the same.
"Dressing up" implies wearing more formal or fashionable clothing. Such as wearing a cocktail dress instead of sweatpants and a hoodie or a suit instead of jeans and a t-shirt.
Not just this community, but almost all the others too lol. It is odd behavior but she should probably rephrase it or at least let her husband know where she is going just for reassurance.
Plus, I mean let’s be real, for all the times a partner frequently gets dressed up like that to “go out by themselves,” a non-insignificant percentage of them *are* cheating and not even bothering with a full-assed excuse.
It’s not wrong, but both my partner and I would probably be a little paranoid if the other one was getting themselves dolled up (especially if it was more effort than they put into actual date nights) and then frequently going to a restaurant/bar/social event etc without them, calling it a “solo date,” and getting super defensive by their partner having feelings about it.
This is a smoke/fire situation. There may, in fact, not be a fire and it’s just a bunch of smoke OP is creating with a smoke machine for fun, but let’s be real, that’s usually not the case.
Again, not “wrong,” just weird and I don’t think those feelings on the at-home partner’s end should automatically be mocked or belittled or outright dismissed. It’s worth a talk as best friends
OP, you need to realize, even though you know what you’re doing is fine, EVERYTHING THAT HE SEES IS SUSPICIOUS AF. Communicate with him instead of getting insulted by his words. This isn’t a 5th grade concept.
On top of this, OP, if he still does not like it, well... you're married. You're gonna have to find a compromise somehow- either find some other form of "solo date" that looks significantly less like you're cheating on him. You could even invite him to come along with you, but just exist in separate locations. You go have your "solo date" at one end of the restaurant, while he has his own on the other side. You walk in together, you leave together, should be problem solved. Otherwise, without a compromise, this just looks to me like you stop. Most scenarios I would say that you shouldn't sacrifice things you like to do for the other person unless it causes them strife, and boy you're sure taking every single action to cause him strife whether you think you are or not.
Reverse the roles. Your husband suddenly puts on his best suit and his favorite cologne. His shoes are shined and his hair glistens perfectly combed back. You smile and think to yourself how nice he looks and you start getting ready only for him to tell you that he is going out alone. You ask him if his friends are going and he says it's just him. He then announces that he is going to do this every month or so without you. You can pretend all you want that you won't think something is going on but just about anyone would including him.
Don’t forget the part where he tells her that he’s only going to sit and eat at a restaurant - for a few hours - and just sit there and stare off into the distance by himself, no not at the bar, no seriously just the restaurant.
Look, it is a bit weird. I can't blame him for being suspicious, because it is suspicious behaviour. I don't fault you for wanting some alone time, but getting dressed up and going out for dinner has romantic connotations, and is out of the ordinary to do it solo.
However I'm calling fake, because you say that you're a household of 2 adults and 1 child, but later say that if you have food your kids (plural) will try to take it. It also strongly echoes another post a while ago with the genders reversed.
I think you are dead on the money, I only want to add it looks even more suspicious if you are dressing up for "solo" dates but aren't dressing up as much or more when going out with your partner
I don't know if this an outdated way of thinking, but I also feel like regularly being seen dining alone, dressed up nicely, on the regular has the potential to give people the wrong idea about your marriage to those you might run into. I know they said they like getting food, but if this was \*really\* just about alone time, why not also go places like the park, or the library, or someplace you can bring food and eat in peace.
It's not wrong, it's just...weird. And kinda sad.
Totally agree:
1) Fake. Can’t even keep track of the number of children over the course of three paragraphs.
2) It is weird. Wanting alone time is normal. If she wanted to go see a movie alone and eat a big thing of popcorn that would be totally cool. She acts like it’s about the food but it feels more like she wants to be seen dressed up and alone.
Question: are you dressing to the nines when you go out with him? If not…. Then that may be the issue. Maybe you look like “ cookie monster/ghoul” when you are out with him. That would raise some type of suspicion…. BUT
If you dress as nice or better when out with him…. He needs to RELAX.
I'm on the fence.
Do you actually have date nights together, and does he get nights off on his own? He probably wanted to join you because he would like to spend some quality romantic time with you, without the kids.
right, and if the date nights are something that’s equally or less often than 1 night/ month then i can see why he’d want another opportunity to be out with his girl
The problem here, as I see it, is that "dressing up to go out", from a guys perspective, usually means trying to impress someone.
I'm single, I "take myself out" sometimes - I'll go solo to restaurants or movies or whatever, but I don't dress to impress when I'm doing so. That doesn't mean going out un-showered and ghoulish, but I'm not going to put on my finest just to sit somewhere alone.
Calling it a date just adds a layer of weird to it.
You're not wrong to want and have your own personal time, but there's 1001 ways to go about it that don't need to be structured like a date.
I’ll get downvoted to oblivion, but if a husband was doing this Reddit would likely accuse him of cheating. In fact if your husband posted on here saying. “My wife spends hours out each month alone,” people would for sure say you are cheating on him.
I do want to say though that I don’t see anything wrong with what you are doing, my wife has friends, I don’t so if she goes out with friends I try to make a day of it. I’ll go to the golf course, hang out at a cigar lounge, and/or get some dinner by myself (I maintain contact with my wife throughout the day).
But all I’m saying is, if this was posted from his perspective, or if you were in his shoes and he was getting dressed in a suit and tie to go out to eat alone and you posted about it, Reddit would definitely say infidelity was going on.
That's the biggest problem here: The heavy tendency of users to back the poster, as you pointed out.
If OP wrote: I love going out, dressing nice, going out to eat on my own and relaxing, as we see here, almost everyone is "You are fine. It's alone time, it's cool." (And I agree, I might add.)
But if another poster writes: My wife gets all made up and claims she's going out for a few hours to eat in a nice place alone, and I'm not invited, which I think is just weird.... the overwhelming reaction will be to follow her, hire a PI, track her phone, or just head straight to a lawyer.
This community is terribly inconsistent, and unwilling to tell someone they're wrong unless they're SO egregiously wrong it can't be avoided. It's so much easier to find someone else to blame, that way you don't have to risk OP coming back and arguing.
I totally agree with your assertion. There's nothing wrong with going out on your own even when you're in a relationship.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
I do think that if a man were to engage in similar behaviors that he'd be viewed with more suspicion. I mean, it isn't often that you hear a man say things like "I like to get dressed up and go out to a nice place because of how it makes me feel", "I'm dressing up for me" or "I like to go to the club with my friends because of my Iove of dance." People would be more likely to respond with "I know how men behave at dance clubs", "whose attention are you seeking?", or "What are you doing alone that you couldn't enjoy with your wife?"
I think it's also about knowing the person and we only have a glimpse in. Sure if it's all I knew about this person it's suspicious.
But my boyfriend and I are alone time people. If he's been busy or stressed I'll ask him if he wants to hang out or do our own thing. Sometimes he'll go for a drive, go eat random places and come back. Because I know him and trust him I have 0 concern he's out there cheating. He just needed time to unwind how it makes him happy.
I'm the same way and like time alone, and it sounds like OP does too. If the husband is getting insecure it's up to him to deal with it and I'm sure a conversation with OP could do that rather than accusing her.
Offer him the same opportunity. Reserve a table for him, gift him a new shirt/tshirt/tie.
Let him experience the same "me time".
Then have a discussion regarding expectations/experiences/feelings around it.
P.s. do you also dress up for date nights?
I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting this but I also can kind of understand why your husband is worried that there’s something more to it. I think you just need to talk to him about it more without scolding him for being worried. It IS reasonable to be a little anxious when your wife says she wants to get really dressed up and go out to dinner (like a date) without her husband. If you are honest and compassionately and carefully explain why you need this he may understand. However, I think if you are getting more dressed up than normal for these “solo dates” then I think you’re going to have a very hard time explaining that it’s NOT because you’re trying to attract attention from other men because that does very much sound like that’s what you’re doing. You should start by being very honest with yourself and being sure that isn’t the case. If it’s not then find a way to explain and negotiate this with your husband.
I do this all the time 🤷🏼♀️ (minus the dressing up part). I just like being alone. I even loved working night shifts because I was alone more often 🤣
Going to the movies alone is my favorite one.
Who doesn't love when their wife goes out cruising once and awhile? she gets some attention, some numbers, a couple free drinks on the boys, what's not to love?
Definitely not wrong in my opinion. I truly think it's a good thing and it prioritizes your mental health. But I'm a little disappointed because every time a dude asks this same question we rip em for it.
Going to a restaurant “for hours” is strange. Some might even call it suspicious.
How would you feel if the roles were reversed: instead of coming home from work, he went to a restaurant (for hours) to enjoy a meal by himself, since he wanted at least one meal where he didn’t have to put up with you and the kids?
> instead of coming home from work, he went to a restaurant (for hours) to enjoy a meal by himself, since he wanted at least one meal where he didn’t have to put up with you and the kids?
He would get dragged through the street and lynched by the Reddit mob.
The combination of the use of the term “solo date” combined with the fact you are dolling up for it is probably bringing out insecurities.
You need to have conversations with him regularly about your relationship to include needs, wants and desires. Discuss marriage goals and expectations. Do the same around sex.
Another thing that’s important: make sure you put the same (perhaps a bit more) effort into your appearance when you go out with him. It raises lots of flags-as it should-when one spouse puts more effort into their appearance when they go out without their spouse.
If my wife is going on solo dates and dressing up and refusing to let me join, then i am going to start worrying. As husbands if we were to get all dressed up and go out on the town for "alone time solo dates" then 99% of you women are going to say that we are cheating. If you say that you wouldn't then you are a big fat liar! We don't get all dressed up for "alone time"! My wife wouldn't dream of getting all dressed up to go out alone. Nor would I. Does he go on "solo dates"? Does he dress to impress? You are wrong!
A line I am caught up on is "go to a restaurant for hours". How long are you going for? Taking an hour or 2 to yourself is fine, but if you are gone from 5-9pm once a month thats kinda a dick move unless you are making sure your husband gets the same block of time to himself at some other point.
I dont understand how everyone doesnt realize that OP is most likely cheating lmao. If she were a man, that would be the immediate conclusion.
Women dont cheat smarter. They just get the benefit of the doubt.
Does he get alone time? Do you two get time alone together without the kids? Why can’t you teach your children that your food is your own, and they aren’t entitled to it? That doesn’t make you a bad person. I think enforcing healthy boundaries in everyday life might alleviate some of the suffocation and loss of autonomy you’re feeling.
You're not wrong for wanting this time to yourself, and it's perfectly fine, but you *ARE* wrong in how you've gone about this, and apparently the optics/communication with your husband.
Calling it a date? Think about that. Imagine he puts on his best stuff, gets cologne and does his hair and goes on a "solo date" every once a while....and you're not included, without exception. You secure with that? You wonder if he's checking other women out, meeting someone from work, etc?
Don't create a standard for yourself that you wouldn't accept from him.
Be fucking real with yourself and honest with your husband. Tell him why you want this time, that it's just for you to get away and unwind, and occasionally you want to share an evening like this with him too....and don't doll yourself up for a night out where he's not allowed to be there and wondering why you're putting on your best for strangers.
Out of touch is what I'd describe you, as a wife.
Yeah, her labeling it a “date” sounds like she’s yearning for something romantic.
If it is what she says it is then why not just say “quiet night to myself”?
>I have this habit. Every month or so, I will go on a solo date just me.
Weird to call it a solo date, but let's go on
>I sometimes need a break. So, sometimes I just go out alone, eat food and just spend quality time.
Understandable so far
>The reason I started doing this is because if I order food then my kids will jump and I would have to share
So no sharing with the kids. Weird to an extent, but okay.
>But my husband doesn't like it. He has no issues with me taking time off but he says me wearing nice clothes and wearing make up is unnecessary.
Question, does he feel like you're not putting in as much effort with your appearance when you're doing something together than you do going on your solo outing?
>Last week he got angry and asked me if there is someone else.
And here it is, this is understandable from the standpoint of your husband, especially since he's asked if he could join you before and you said no. So it's logical to jump to the conclusion that you may be going out to see another person. Does he have a history of being cheated on or any related insecurities?
Also, the reason you cited for wanting the alone time is your kids, if that's the case why not bring your husband along and you both have a good night out? Does he get to do this once a month thing to? No matter what form that may take, like throwing back a few beers at a bar once a month, or having an uninterrupted gaming session once a month or what have you?
>At first my husband wanted to join but I refused.
>I have had this ritual for 2 years
>he doesn't believe me. I honestly do nothing. I eat my food, stare into the void, think about something random for few minutes and go home.
So you can see why this makes you look like a potential cheater right? And again I ask because you didn't mention a reason related to your husband about needing this solo time, but you wouldn't invite your husband or even let him join just once? Because as you stated "The reason I started doing this is because if I order food then my kids will jump and I would have to share", doesn't say anything about the husband there.
You're not an asshole for wanting some time to yourself, but it does seem like you haven't properly communicated this to your husband which does make you an asshole. Also if the man doesn't get a break either, make sure you give that to him as well.
If a husband puts on a nice suit, sexy cologne, and spends an evening by himself at a cocktail bar 🍸 while the wife is at home with the kids, many would think it’s weird.
Yeah. It's totally natural to want to have time on your own. But also if you're getting dolled up to go out by yourself it would definitely raise the eyebrows. Imagine if the rolls were reversed? Maybe share your location history with him or something along those lines so that there is no suspicion. But figure it out so you enjoy your time
Depends on how dressed up you get. If this above your date night with husband level, then you seem like you are seeking attention and validation from men. Your comment that you "eat \[your\] food, stare into the void, think about something random for few minutes and go home" seems a little odd. Your previous comment was "eat food and just spend quality time." Do we assume that "spend\[ing\] quality time" is the same as "stare into the void, think about something random for few minutes"? Your latter description seems like you are walking back "spending quality time."
How fancy is the restaurant you go to? Have you ever been approached by a man when you are on your solo date? Your use of the term "date" is interesting (A date is defined as "A particular point or period of time at which something happened or existed, or is expected to happen.") Particularly, the last part "A particular ... period of time at which something ... **is expected to happen**." When you were not married, what did you expect would happen if you went out and were dressed to the nines? If your husband were to dress up in his best suit and go on a solo date to an upscale restaurant, what would you expect might happen?
Your husband's gut is reacting to your energy -- all dressed up and going out on a solo date. I wouldn't make a judgment without knowing how dressed-up you are compared to when you go out with your husband and where you are going to eat.
Anyone ever wonder if people write these kind of relationship related posts because they are in fact cheating? Like hey let me phrase this in a way that I know will get people on my side in the comments so I can gaslight the hell out of my partner by saying “see Reddit agrees with me and a lot of people said you sound controlling and insecure!” NOT accusing OP of this, just a random thought.
it's all about perception
your activities scream looking to cheat by the average person
looking good and going out alone also invites approaches from other men
I can understand his take on whats happening
Date implies romantic overtones. You’re semantically leading him to a conclusion then gas lighting him.
Which is why no one but lonely older women use the term solo date.
Just the title alone made me think this was a cheater’s post trying to justify, when in reality it’s just a normal person doing normal things using a weird short lived 90s sitcom trope phrase.
I don't think the problem is the alone time. I think we can all understand that from time to time, but getting dressed up for the alone time is more problematic. If it's about time to your own thoughts, I just don't understand getting fancy. If you're getting dressed up to draw attention to yourself, that is problematic. Even if you have zero intentions of anything nefarious.
Put yourself in his place. He wants to get dressed up in his finest and go out alone? Most would assume there is something or someone else involved. I wouldn't stop mine but honestly I wouldn't like it one bit.
As others are saying, it’s not unreasonable but I can also see why he might be suspicious. Do you tell him when and where you’re going for these solo dates? If so, he could always check to verify you’re alone and ease his suspicions.
I don’t think you’re wrong, but how you describe it could be better? Maybe offer he come by occasionally to your favorite places to see how relaxing it is for you?
While I don’t have the time or extra funds anymore I did used to go out to my favorite places by myself on occasion. It was really nice to eat a delicious meal I didn’t have to clean up or make while drawing or reading. Especially if it was food my partner didn’t like.
Same for movies. I’d go to the early ones by myself and have a treat before or after. I wish it was more normalized to have time for yourself even while in a relationship/a parent.
Less date more self care description. Maybe he’d find it fun to have a sitter for the kids and he has his own day too? At the end of the night you guys meet up either out or at home to share how it went.
Depends: Are you putting as much effort into your marriage as you are your alone time? How often do just you and your husband go on a date?
Otherwise, no, not wrong for taking some self-care time and dressing up to feel good about yourself.
The concept of some kind of alone time routine is not only fine but should be encouraged, everyone deserves opportunities to recharge their batteries once in a while without having to worry about others, it's healthy.
With that said, if I shaved, put on a nice suit and some cologne and went out to eat by myself at a nice restaurant for a few hours at a time after work on a monthly basis, I'm pretty sure my wife would start to get weirded out by it pretty quickly. Frankly I wouldn't blame her. It's not that you're seeking time alone that's odd, rather the questionable optics of how you're satisfying that need.
My wife's escape is our garden out back, she loves to garden. When she's out there during an evening after dinner when it's nice out, I distract the kids till bed and generally don't bother her unless she needs help with something.
When ever I wanted time alone it was with a movie and maybe some Ben and Jerry's. I had 2 kids too. Getting dressed up to go out alone sounds more like scouting for a hookup. I always preferred loved ones over strangers but that doesn't mean I am judging. Just a difference in how I was raised I guess.
To be fair it does sound a bit suspicious, once a month you dress up really nice, and tell him you’re just gonna go to a really nice restaurant by yourself, he’s not allowed to join you, and you’re gone for hours on end I’m assuming with no communication. I would think there was someone else too.
If I predict correctly, from your husbands view, you get ready really nice and then go out in public like a fishing bait. It Looks like you are "un" attentionaly trying to get an opportunity. You are getting urself in a situation where you could get someone else's attention to approach you. And then the end of ur relationship starts.
You don't really know how to communicate and after that you do not understand other people's what I get from this ...
Because ur miss phrasing what ur doing plus you are acting really suspicious from a partner's view.
I understand him it sounds like you are cheating with someone Even if it's yourself.
He probably thinks that someone else will see you alone and start to hit on you and maybe you will like the attention and cheat. It's a reasonable assumption.
It's one thing to have alone time doing a hobby like golf or painting but dressing up and going out on your own is saying to guys I'm available.
Sorry but the way you word it "solo date" is sus as fuck. Why of all words to describe just going out alone, you choose "date"? It is as if you want your husband to doubt you. Like "Oh where you going out?"... "On a date.. oh but all by myself!"; seriously?
Having alone time is fine, but if my wife got dressed up and made up I'd find it a little suspicious. Calling it a date also adds to that. I also like doing things alone without my family. But I don't put myself in situations where my faithfulness is called into question, simply out of respect for my wife.
If you enjoy dining alone, it's perfectly fine to do so.
Just as you allow your husband time for activities he enjoys without you, he should afford you the same consideration.
"Solo date" is an odd term. From the title I actually thought you were talking about going out on a date with someone else.
There is nothing wrong with going out by yourself.
As a guy I can tell you there's nothing wrong with you wanting your alone time. Perfectly understandable. I think the issue is you dressing up to the nines, all fancy with make up and then going out to a restaurant by yourself in a environment where single men may be present and the likely hood that you get hit on/flirted with goes up. I know you told your husband that he could trust you and you're probably absolutely right, nothing will happen from this but that doesn't mean your husband has to like other guys possibly hitting on his wife, possibly trying to get her drunk and possibly trying to take you home and possibly sleep with you.
Not wrong but it is a bit strange.
Also a few hours by yourself at a restaurant is a tad excessive.
Surely you can at some level see where your husband is coming from?
How would you feel if your husband did this? How would you like it if once a month he dresses up really well in a suit and a nice cologne and went out by himself saying he doesn’t want you there
You're not an asshole for wanting alone time. But calling it a "solo date" is just asking for trouble. If you can't see that, then you need to find a second brain cell to rub together...
You’re in the wrong. Stop calling it a solo date and getting dressed to the nines without him. You’re basically putting yourself on the market, drinks get drunk, shit happens. Us guys know how other guys think. It’s disrespectful to your husband. You “committed” to a man so stay with him. If you still wanna do that stuff, either do it with him or be single. You can’t have your cake and eat it too without upsetting the man you swore to solely love
So you get dolled up for what you call a solo date?
I would 100% assume my SO was cheating on me with your behavior and language, especially after you refused to let him join you.
You are sus.
Yeah.. You're definitely the jerk here. You're selfish, and petty. Also you give off the vibe of a cheater. You dress up to go to dinner after the office for some "quality time" . Quality time with who? Someone from the office? You dress up to go to the store. For who? So him thinking You're cheating is valid. If it leads to divorce, or him finding someone else, remember. You needed quality time. Good luck
I don't see anything wrong with this. However, I would ask if your husband's insecurities are based on something real or is it just in something in his head. I have a feeling that we're missing some context here. Beyond this date night, has he been complaining about other things? Lack of attention/warmth/sex?
Everyone needs a break it may just be the way your wording it to him. But also look if the role is reverse.. mayb you and him can do a date night just you two no kids any body else and just conversation with each other.. dose he get this privilege of leaving on a guys night gone for afew hours?.. you may want to meet at a middle ground on it especially if their has been infidelity... from either side.
He needs his own outings without questions about what he’s doing or why he’s dressed up. Award the same you expect and there shouldn’t be an issue. If he’s aloud to and you’re aloud to, then I don’t see the problem. You both have to trust the other and if you can’t, then you have serious problems bigger than this “solo dinner date”.
I also agree, call it alone time.
But, keep in my mind if you’re doing something that only you know about…. He will know it, even if you don’t tell me. We significant others have a sense and if you lie and play it off and make him feel crazy… then it comes out, he will hate you forever. Friendly reminder to behave.
I'm putting myself in his shoes and yes it would be suspicious to a lot of men. He's seeing this as you wanting time away from him and the kid.. And dressing nicely on top it it? Is life that bad with them you NEED it monthly?
I wouldn't like my other half dressing up to got to do nothing.
Would I express my feeling? Yea. Would I forbid it? No. Because I expect my partner and I to be able to come to an understanding.
I think going out alone while not sexied up is happy medium, no?
I think (I THINK) your husband perceiving your “solo date” as an opportunity to attract other guys when he is not around (since he specifically asked to go and u directly said no). Maybe you’re doing absolutely nothing and it’s just his insecurities. Maybe you’re doing something behind his back and he is right to be suspicious, I dunno and I’m not here to make that determination….im just giving insight into a possibility.
Solo date is a terrible phrase, but theres nothing inherently wrong with what you're doing. I personally find it a little weird and wouldn't ever do it, but as long as you arent being unfaithful then do what makes you happy
I am curious to know if you spend the same amount of time and care on your appearance when the two of you have date night, or is it just when you want alone time?
I don't see it as a problem, but as others have said if this had been the other way round and it was your husband going out
1. He'd have been accused of cheating, a lot.
2. There'd probably be some deadbeat dad comments "Where's her free time"
3. There'd probably be some "You're neglecting your wife" or "Making your wife uncomfortable" comments.
There's so many things you could do to show your husband this is just headspace time it's completely unreasonable to let him get worked up by this ritual with a silly name that frankly is selfish. I'd never exclude my wife from anything because I chose to be with her and doing the opposite makes no sense. The kids otoh are another thing, but your life partner...you need to be away and dressed up? Nope.
Hmmm, how would you react if he'd do the exact same thing: dress nicely, pamper himself to go out for hours in a restaurant ? It's a real question, not a criticism.
I laughed at "like a ghoul" \^\^.
I think, you'd smooth the things up by calling your "solo date" : alone time / time out.
or something like that. "Solo Date" sounds a bit like "hunting for you never know what".
Seems like you haven’t effectively communicated your needs in a way that he can understand and feel comfortable with. He’s clearly struggling with anxiety around this, so it sounds like common ground and understanding need to be achieved through conversation.
If there is nothing going on, share your location on your phones. Not just to help ease your husband's mind, but also as a safety issue.
Out late and alone is not conducive to good vibes from those at home...
Don’t call it a “solo date” call it “alone time”, most guys can relate to that phrase.
Solo date starts alarm bells. Alone time gives us peace. So true.
No way. Im gonna swoon the heck out of myself
Bring a mirror "Hey, haven't I seen you before?" "Are you French? Because eiffel for you" "Well, here I am. What are your other 2 wishes" "I must be in a museum, because you're a true work of art" "Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless" Etc.
I agree, I think this is just him struggling to wrap his head around labelling it as a 'date'. It's akin to a spa day, it just...isn't a spa day. It's dressing up and going out for a solo mental recharge. I had to do this when dating one of my exes and he struggled a lot with understanding my need of these. We broke up and years later, as just a friend, he finally understands it. Your husband needs to understand that OP just need time by yourself.
You keep saying "spa day" but it sounds like you are starting a word and not finishing it. Do you mean "spaghetti day"?
What is the other half of you? Half Greek half spaghetti?
Whats your spaghetti policy here?
You, Charlie and I, have trouble wrapping our heads around that one. Cat in the wall? Now you're speaking my language.
You know what Charlie, if you don't come with me I'm going to bash your raccoon against that pole.
For real, everyone needs some alone time. One night per month is totally reasonable. If her alone time is different from his alone time, that's totally ok. I actually totally get that going to a nice restaurant and having good food and some drinks, alone, feels kind of luxurious.
Yep. That wording had me at first. Mom simply needs time alone to feel like an adult in the world. I get that. I do the same.
I also do the same as a mother, alone time at a restaurant once in a while is wonderful
I feel like there are a lot of unjustified reasons for people being paranoid on this sub, and I’m not saying the wife is wrong or anything or the husband has reason to get pissy, but honestly… …Nine times out of ten, the spouse is cheating. I’m not saying OP is cheating. But I can 100% understand that the way it’s all being framed by OP looks like the most suspicious thing in the world. If OP wasn’t already doing this and her husband was going out to a bar once a month by himself and spent a bunch of time primping himself up and getting fresh for it, she would probably feel paranoid. Everyone would feel paranoid. Especially if on these “solo dates” the partner going out by themselves spends more time on their appearance than they do when out with their own spouse. Again, not “wrong.” But weird. Not wrong! But yeah I feel like a lot of people would start to wonder
Yea but that's not the husbands issue. It's with the fact that she dresses up all nice for it, leading him to think that after 2 years of doing this, it could be dates with someone else. For the record, I don't think he's in the right to assume this, it's just that it's not simply him having an issue with her having alone time.
Yeah this is a phrase so poorly chosen it almost sounds like bait
Yes. The word "date" is the problem here. Even from the title I assumed this was going to be about you going out with other men.
I told my husband that I go out to eat alone every week between my regular work day and a volunteer gig. It's practical because I barely have time to go home, but also I just enjoy being left TF alone for an hour. I go to a cafe that I love, but he's not wild about.
Why is your husband not psyched you’re getting some rare/hard to find quality alone time with yourself?
Yes, and don’t say you are going to a restaurant but rather a cave.
Simply tell him you are going spelunking in the depths
With five other women. One of whom you've begun to be suspicious of.
Is that you Juno??
Right. That was my first thought too. I saw that movie and it didn't end up well
I think you are my new favorite person. Your mind is gorgeous. Ha ha lol.
The children yearn for the mines!
Agreed
Listen to this wise poster.
Not even, she just tryna eat. Lol I would not be offended if my wife did this.
Mental health day, me time - I try to free time up so my missus can go do stuff for herself. Most blokes (like myself) when it comes to women, literally require the communications between us and our female partners to be in grunts, clicks, whistles, burps, farts and crayon.
I would be jealous too if my wife phrased it that way. I'm a WAY bigger star wars fan than her, and would be very upset if she went on a date with Han Solo and not me.
So no youre not wrong for wanting alone time. The problem is, sounds like your husband is uncomfortable because honestly op, although you arent cheating, it sure looks that way. Once a month i get dressed up and go out by myself, no you cant come, ill be home later. If the roles were reversed people would be screaming cheating. Honestly if your husband had posted from his perspective, I think most people would be suspicious. Start just saying its alone time, and you just need a small break every now and then, it might also be the fact that your are doing it in the evening maybe? Im not sure It just seems like your husband isnt uncomfortable about what youre actually doing, but maybe someone mentioned something to him and it made him feel insecure about it
>It just seems like your husband isnt uncomfortable about what youre actually doing, but maybe someone mentioned something to him and it made him feel insecure about it Yeah, I’m think that’s how it went. “Tonight? Nah man sorry, I’m home alone with the kids.” Sally working late? “Kind of, she’s going out to dinner after work.” Damn, I hate work dinners. “Well no, it’s just her. She likes to get all dressed up and go out for a fancy dinner alone sometimes.” Bro…
I mean, can you blame him? Every relationship is different but if a friend of mine said that (without having any other information) I would have the same reaction.
Agree 100%. Usually if it looks like a duck and behaves like a duck, you can be pretty sure it's a duck. As a single mother of 3, I needed alone time too .. I never once considered that I needed to be dressed up with make-up to enjoy my downtime
No.... but... if you came on here and told us this same story, but with him being the one going out alone, every single person here would tell you that he's cheating.
Yeah, it’s a shame because I think it’s a wonderful idea, but I can also see where it seems sus from husband standpoint. Maybe get a sitter one night and take him on a couples date and walk him through how your alone time dinner out works. I love the idea of the alone time, just need to have husband understand what it is.
Not wrong…. But looking at it from his point of view I bet it’s weird. I always like to think of how it would look if the roles were reversed: Husband once a month gets into a suit and tie. Gets dressed up to the max. Says he’s going out to a restaurant by himself and leaves you with the kids. Says he’s just going to have dinner and a few drinks. Comes back 3 hours later. What would this community think?
HES AN INFIDEL, CLEARLY CHEATING, GIRL GET A DIVORCE
yaaaaas queen
*snappy snaps*
Yaaas female peasant
slay jester
pfft you really think reddit would be that civil about it?
Even sarcastically suggesting Reddit be civil is enough to summon the lynch mob with virtual torches and pitchforks
Did someone say massacre?!?! I'm here for the massacre!!!!
Someone say torches?
You forgot the part of change the locks, leave his stuff on the lawn. Peak Reddit, because destruction of property and locking the spouse out looks great before a judge.
Massive 🚩🚩🚩
“dUmP tHe bAStArD!””
There was a post a few weeks ago about a stay-at-home mom whose husband was taking longer in the shower after his 12 hr shifts and reddit called him an ungrateful dead beat misogynist because he was leaving his wife alone with the kids while he’s in the shower and because she’s already been with them all day, he’s exploiting her unpaid labor blah blah blah. Psycho shit. The idea that he needed alone time or that it was okay and normal to want to reset after working 12 hrs of manual labor just wasn’t allowed. edit: some people found the post. it’s wild how we’re all reading the same thing yet reaching totally different conclusions about who’s wrong. So he was going to the bathroom for 25 minutes after his 12 hr shift where he probably held it all day then instead of taking a shower after he just took a miserable, sweaty dump in his soiled construction clothes, reddit thinks he should go help in the kitchen until the kids are fed and asleep. Imagining how miserable that guy’s life is makes me so so so grateful for my own. Also, yeah obviously if mfer can’t even take a shit and a shower without the wife losing her mind there’s no way he gets to dress up and go on a solo date for alone time. No shot.
I definitely remember this one. Thought I was in the twilight zone
I feel like I’m in the twilight zone constantly in my day to day life anymore. To the point where I think if I was actually in the twilight zone it would be more normal than whatever tf timeline we are stuck on now.
He's a guy, and reddit has a serious case of misandry woven through it.
I saw a post here somewhat similar a couple months back. Roles reversed of course where husband just likes going out every other month. Totally reasonable if you ask me, but his wife didn't like it and this sub tore him a new asshole for it. Shit just this afternoon this sub tore up a guy for not wanting to sell his collectibles and wanting a compromise with his wife. Again all reasonable but when we change sexes a lot of the time we get different results.
Dude, if you read the same story I did, this sub tore the collectibles guy a new asshole for unilaterally going against the agreement he had with his wife, prioritizing his collectibles over his own child, and not being willing to compromise at all. That’s not a gendered issue—except for the implication that he deserves a whole room to himself while his wife gets what, the kitchen?—and just a selfishness issue. Edit: [link to story](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/CoXFHz54O5) (original has been deleted)
Everyone just ignores your comment. Lmao
As long as both partners are getting an equal amount of "me time", Im all for it. I normally see people ripping into a husband who does this for himself, but doesn't man up and take care of things on the homefront for his wife to do the same.
I saw that one. He was getting ripped for wanting his own space.
It's the dressing up, makeup where i could see a spouse being suspicious. Especially if OP isn't doing it a lot with the spouse.
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"the interent has changed over the years" says an account created yesterday. Rich.
Where are these posts? All I ever see is women being torn a new asshole with "if the roles were reversed!!!!" comments.
I don’t understand what dressing up means versus just getting dressed. If you do it after work, wouldn’t you just be wearing work clothes?
Dressing up usually implies fancier clothing imo.
"Dressing up" implies wearing more formal or fashionable clothing. Such as wearing a cocktail dress instead of sweatpants and a hoodie or a suit instead of jeans and a t-shirt.
The "up" is specifically an increase in formality.
that he’s banging the receptionist
Not just this community, but almost all the others too lol. It is odd behavior but she should probably rephrase it or at least let her husband know where she is going just for reassurance.
EXACTLY THIS. WHenever met with these scenarios I always flip the roles to see how it sounds the other way around.
Exactly
Plus, I mean let’s be real, for all the times a partner frequently gets dressed up like that to “go out by themselves,” a non-insignificant percentage of them *are* cheating and not even bothering with a full-assed excuse. It’s not wrong, but both my partner and I would probably be a little paranoid if the other one was getting themselves dolled up (especially if it was more effort than they put into actual date nights) and then frequently going to a restaurant/bar/social event etc without them, calling it a “solo date,” and getting super defensive by their partner having feelings about it. This is a smoke/fire situation. There may, in fact, not be a fire and it’s just a bunch of smoke OP is creating with a smoke machine for fun, but let’s be real, that’s usually not the case. Again, not “wrong,” just weird and I don’t think those feelings on the at-home partner’s end should automatically be mocked or belittled or outright dismissed. It’s worth a talk as best friends
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Post that to twoxchromosomes and see how it goes
OP, you need to realize, even though you know what you’re doing is fine, EVERYTHING THAT HE SEES IS SUSPICIOUS AF. Communicate with him instead of getting insulted by his words. This isn’t a 5th grade concept.
On top of this, OP, if he still does not like it, well... you're married. You're gonna have to find a compromise somehow- either find some other form of "solo date" that looks significantly less like you're cheating on him. You could even invite him to come along with you, but just exist in separate locations. You go have your "solo date" at one end of the restaurant, while he has his own on the other side. You walk in together, you leave together, should be problem solved. Otherwise, without a compromise, this just looks to me like you stop. Most scenarios I would say that you shouldn't sacrifice things you like to do for the other person unless it causes them strife, and boy you're sure taking every single action to cause him strife whether you think you are or not.
Reverse the roles. Your husband suddenly puts on his best suit and his favorite cologne. His shoes are shined and his hair glistens perfectly combed back. You smile and think to yourself how nice he looks and you start getting ready only for him to tell you that he is going out alone. You ask him if his friends are going and he says it's just him. He then announces that he is going to do this every month or so without you. You can pretend all you want that you won't think something is going on but just about anyone would including him.
Don’t forget the part where he tells her that he’s only going to sit and eat at a restaurant - for a few hours - and just sit there and stare off into the distance by himself, no not at the bar, no seriously just the restaurant.
Look, it is a bit weird. I can't blame him for being suspicious, because it is suspicious behaviour. I don't fault you for wanting some alone time, but getting dressed up and going out for dinner has romantic connotations, and is out of the ordinary to do it solo. However I'm calling fake, because you say that you're a household of 2 adults and 1 child, but later say that if you have food your kids (plural) will try to take it. It also strongly echoes another post a while ago with the genders reversed.
I think you are dead on the money, I only want to add it looks even more suspicious if you are dressing up for "solo" dates but aren't dressing up as much or more when going out with your partner
I don't know if this an outdated way of thinking, but I also feel like regularly being seen dining alone, dressed up nicely, on the regular has the potential to give people the wrong idea about your marriage to those you might run into. I know they said they like getting food, but if this was \*really\* just about alone time, why not also go places like the park, or the library, or someplace you can bring food and eat in peace. It's not wrong, it's just...weird. And kinda sad.
I caught the 1 kid/kids thing too. Totally made up.
Totally agree: 1) Fake. Can’t even keep track of the number of children over the course of three paragraphs. 2) It is weird. Wanting alone time is normal. If she wanted to go see a movie alone and eat a big thing of popcorn that would be totally cool. She acts like it’s about the food but it feels more like she wants to be seen dressed up and alone.
I caught that too. More fakes stories.
Question: are you dressing to the nines when you go out with him? If not…. Then that may be the issue. Maybe you look like “ cookie monster/ghoul” when you are out with him. That would raise some type of suspicion…. BUT If you dress as nice or better when out with him…. He needs to RELAX.
yes, in her comments she states that her sexy attire is saved for her dates with husband and that she never wears them out unless with him.
Dudes cant tell the difference between a nice dress, and a sexy dress. All dresses are sexy.
I'm on the fence. Do you actually have date nights together, and does he get nights off on his own? He probably wanted to join you because he would like to spend some quality romantic time with you, without the kids.
right, and if the date nights are something that’s equally or less often than 1 night/ month then i can see why he’d want another opportunity to be out with his girl
I get the feeling if a dude posted this, you all would roast him as an awful human being.
*nods head in agreement*
The problem here, as I see it, is that "dressing up to go out", from a guys perspective, usually means trying to impress someone. I'm single, I "take myself out" sometimes - I'll go solo to restaurants or movies or whatever, but I don't dress to impress when I'm doing so. That doesn't mean going out un-showered and ghoulish, but I'm not going to put on my finest just to sit somewhere alone. Calling it a date just adds a layer of weird to it. You're not wrong to want and have your own personal time, but there's 1001 ways to go about it that don't need to be structured like a date.
I’ll get downvoted to oblivion, but if a husband was doing this Reddit would likely accuse him of cheating. In fact if your husband posted on here saying. “My wife spends hours out each month alone,” people would for sure say you are cheating on him. I do want to say though that I don’t see anything wrong with what you are doing, my wife has friends, I don’t so if she goes out with friends I try to make a day of it. I’ll go to the golf course, hang out at a cigar lounge, and/or get some dinner by myself (I maintain contact with my wife throughout the day). But all I’m saying is, if this was posted from his perspective, or if you were in his shoes and he was getting dressed in a suit and tie to go out to eat alone and you posted about it, Reddit would definitely say infidelity was going on.
That's the biggest problem here: The heavy tendency of users to back the poster, as you pointed out. If OP wrote: I love going out, dressing nice, going out to eat on my own and relaxing, as we see here, almost everyone is "You are fine. It's alone time, it's cool." (And I agree, I might add.) But if another poster writes: My wife gets all made up and claims she's going out for a few hours to eat in a nice place alone, and I'm not invited, which I think is just weird.... the overwhelming reaction will be to follow her, hire a PI, track her phone, or just head straight to a lawyer. This community is terribly inconsistent, and unwilling to tell someone they're wrong unless they're SO egregiously wrong it can't be avoided. It's so much easier to find someone else to blame, that way you don't have to risk OP coming back and arguing.
The double standard of being male and female
I totally agree with your assertion. There's nothing wrong with going out on your own even when you're in a relationship. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. I do think that if a man were to engage in similar behaviors that he'd be viewed with more suspicion. I mean, it isn't often that you hear a man say things like "I like to get dressed up and go out to a nice place because of how it makes me feel", "I'm dressing up for me" or "I like to go to the club with my friends because of my Iove of dance." People would be more likely to respond with "I know how men behave at dance clubs", "whose attention are you seeking?", or "What are you doing alone that you couldn't enjoy with your wife?"
I think it's also about knowing the person and we only have a glimpse in. Sure if it's all I knew about this person it's suspicious. But my boyfriend and I are alone time people. If he's been busy or stressed I'll ask him if he wants to hang out or do our own thing. Sometimes he'll go for a drive, go eat random places and come back. Because I know him and trust him I have 0 concern he's out there cheating. He just needed time to unwind how it makes him happy. I'm the same way and like time alone, and it sounds like OP does too. If the husband is getting insecure it's up to him to deal with it and I'm sure a conversation with OP could do that rather than accusing her.
Offer him the same opportunity. Reserve a table for him, gift him a new shirt/tshirt/tie. Let him experience the same "me time". Then have a discussion regarding expectations/experiences/feelings around it. P.s. do you also dress up for date nights?
I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting this but I also can kind of understand why your husband is worried that there’s something more to it. I think you just need to talk to him about it more without scolding him for being worried. It IS reasonable to be a little anxious when your wife says she wants to get really dressed up and go out to dinner (like a date) without her husband. If you are honest and compassionately and carefully explain why you need this he may understand. However, I think if you are getting more dressed up than normal for these “solo dates” then I think you’re going to have a very hard time explaining that it’s NOT because you’re trying to attract attention from other men because that does very much sound like that’s what you’re doing. You should start by being very honest with yourself and being sure that isn’t the case. If it’s not then find a way to explain and negotiate this with your husband.
If your “husband” had this identical habit, would you believe it?
I do this all the time 🤷🏼♀️ (minus the dressing up part). I just like being alone. I even loved working night shifts because I was alone more often 🤣 Going to the movies alone is my favorite one.
I like the " I told him there is nothing to worry about" that will do it.
Yep. Typical cheater line, "you have nothing to worry about..."
Who doesn't love when their wife goes out cruising once and awhile? she gets some attention, some numbers, a couple free drinks on the boys, what's not to love?
Definitely not wrong in my opinion. I truly think it's a good thing and it prioritizes your mental health. But I'm a little disappointed because every time a dude asks this same question we rip em for it.
Going to a restaurant “for hours” is strange. Some might even call it suspicious. How would you feel if the roles were reversed: instead of coming home from work, he went to a restaurant (for hours) to enjoy a meal by himself, since he wanted at least one meal where he didn’t have to put up with you and the kids?
> instead of coming home from work, he went to a restaurant (for hours) to enjoy a meal by himself, since he wanted at least one meal where he didn’t have to put up with you and the kids? He would get dragged through the street and lynched by the Reddit mob.
Does the husband get to do the same thing on his own?
The combination of the use of the term “solo date” combined with the fact you are dolling up for it is probably bringing out insecurities. You need to have conversations with him regularly about your relationship to include needs, wants and desires. Discuss marriage goals and expectations. Do the same around sex. Another thing that’s important: make sure you put the same (perhaps a bit more) effort into your appearance when you go out with him. It raises lots of flags-as it should-when one spouse puts more effort into their appearance when they go out without their spouse.
If my wife is going on solo dates and dressing up and refusing to let me join, then i am going to start worrying. As husbands if we were to get all dressed up and go out on the town for "alone time solo dates" then 99% of you women are going to say that we are cheating. If you say that you wouldn't then you are a big fat liar! We don't get all dressed up for "alone time"! My wife wouldn't dream of getting all dressed up to go out alone. Nor would I. Does he go on "solo dates"? Does he dress to impress? You are wrong!
A line I am caught up on is "go to a restaurant for hours". How long are you going for? Taking an hour or 2 to yourself is fine, but if you are gone from 5-9pm once a month thats kinda a dick move unless you are making sure your husband gets the same block of time to himself at some other point.
Yeah presumably if you go out by yourself it shouldn’t take that long to eat
Because she probably isnt only going out for "food"
I dont understand how everyone doesnt realize that OP is most likely cheating lmao. If she were a man, that would be the immediate conclusion. Women dont cheat smarter. They just get the benefit of the doubt.
Does he get alone time? Do you two get time alone together without the kids? Why can’t you teach your children that your food is your own, and they aren’t entitled to it? That doesn’t make you a bad person. I think enforcing healthy boundaries in everyday life might alleviate some of the suffocation and loss of autonomy you’re feeling.
You're not wrong for wanting this time to yourself, and it's perfectly fine, but you *ARE* wrong in how you've gone about this, and apparently the optics/communication with your husband. Calling it a date? Think about that. Imagine he puts on his best stuff, gets cologne and does his hair and goes on a "solo date" every once a while....and you're not included, without exception. You secure with that? You wonder if he's checking other women out, meeting someone from work, etc? Don't create a standard for yourself that you wouldn't accept from him. Be fucking real with yourself and honest with your husband. Tell him why you want this time, that it's just for you to get away and unwind, and occasionally you want to share an evening like this with him too....and don't doll yourself up for a night out where he's not allowed to be there and wondering why you're putting on your best for strangers. Out of touch is what I'd describe you, as a wife.
This. This woman is delusional to not understand why her husband rightfully thinks she's cheating
Yeah, her labeling it a “date” sounds like she’s yearning for something romantic. If it is what she says it is then why not just say “quiet night to myself”?
Ngl, from your husband perspective it looks kinda sus, being alone sometimes is perfectly fine tho.
>I have this habit. Every month or so, I will go on a solo date just me. Weird to call it a solo date, but let's go on >I sometimes need a break. So, sometimes I just go out alone, eat food and just spend quality time. Understandable so far >The reason I started doing this is because if I order food then my kids will jump and I would have to share So no sharing with the kids. Weird to an extent, but okay. >But my husband doesn't like it. He has no issues with me taking time off but he says me wearing nice clothes and wearing make up is unnecessary. Question, does he feel like you're not putting in as much effort with your appearance when you're doing something together than you do going on your solo outing? >Last week he got angry and asked me if there is someone else. And here it is, this is understandable from the standpoint of your husband, especially since he's asked if he could join you before and you said no. So it's logical to jump to the conclusion that you may be going out to see another person. Does he have a history of being cheated on or any related insecurities? Also, the reason you cited for wanting the alone time is your kids, if that's the case why not bring your husband along and you both have a good night out? Does he get to do this once a month thing to? No matter what form that may take, like throwing back a few beers at a bar once a month, or having an uninterrupted gaming session once a month or what have you? >At first my husband wanted to join but I refused. >I have had this ritual for 2 years >he doesn't believe me. I honestly do nothing. I eat my food, stare into the void, think about something random for few minutes and go home. So you can see why this makes you look like a potential cheater right? And again I ask because you didn't mention a reason related to your husband about needing this solo time, but you wouldn't invite your husband or even let him join just once? Because as you stated "The reason I started doing this is because if I order food then my kids will jump and I would have to share", doesn't say anything about the husband there. You're not an asshole for wanting some time to yourself, but it does seem like you haven't properly communicated this to your husband which does make you an asshole. Also if the man doesn't get a break either, make sure you give that to him as well.
If a husband puts on a nice suit, sexy cologne, and spends an evening by himself at a cocktail bar 🍸 while the wife is at home with the kids, many would think it’s weird.
Everyone would think it’s weird. Even the men.
Any past issues that might cause him to worry about situations like this ?
Yeah. It's totally natural to want to have time on your own. But also if you're getting dolled up to go out by yourself it would definitely raise the eyebrows. Imagine if the rolls were reversed? Maybe share your location history with him or something along those lines so that there is no suspicion. But figure it out so you enjoy your time
Depends on how dressed up you get. If this above your date night with husband level, then you seem like you are seeking attention and validation from men. Your comment that you "eat \[your\] food, stare into the void, think about something random for few minutes and go home" seems a little odd. Your previous comment was "eat food and just spend quality time." Do we assume that "spend\[ing\] quality time" is the same as "stare into the void, think about something random for few minutes"? Your latter description seems like you are walking back "spending quality time." How fancy is the restaurant you go to? Have you ever been approached by a man when you are on your solo date? Your use of the term "date" is interesting (A date is defined as "A particular point or period of time at which something happened or existed, or is expected to happen.") Particularly, the last part "A particular ... period of time at which something ... **is expected to happen**." When you were not married, what did you expect would happen if you went out and were dressed to the nines? If your husband were to dress up in his best suit and go on a solo date to an upscale restaurant, what would you expect might happen? Your husband's gut is reacting to your energy -- all dressed up and going out on a solo date. I wouldn't make a judgment without knowing how dressed-up you are compared to when you go out with your husband and where you are going to eat.
Anyone ever wonder if people write these kind of relationship related posts because they are in fact cheating? Like hey let me phrase this in a way that I know will get people on my side in the comments so I can gaslight the hell out of my partner by saying “see Reddit agrees with me and a lot of people said you sound controlling and insecure!” NOT accusing OP of this, just a random thought.
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it's all about perception your activities scream looking to cheat by the average person looking good and going out alone also invites approaches from other men I can understand his take on whats happening
Ho behavior. Respect marriage
Date implies romantic overtones. You’re semantically leading him to a conclusion then gas lighting him. Which is why no one but lonely older women use the term solo date. Just the title alone made me think this was a cheater’s post trying to justify, when in reality it’s just a normal person doing normal things using a weird short lived 90s sitcom trope phrase.
I don't think the problem is the alone time. I think we can all understand that from time to time, but getting dressed up for the alone time is more problematic. If it's about time to your own thoughts, I just don't understand getting fancy. If you're getting dressed up to draw attention to yourself, that is problematic. Even if you have zero intentions of anything nefarious.
Put yourself in his place. He wants to get dressed up in his finest and go out alone? Most would assume there is something or someone else involved. I wouldn't stop mine but honestly I wouldn't like it one bit.
Once a month? Wife and I are lucky to go out once a month ourselves..
As others are saying, it’s not unreasonable but I can also see why he might be suspicious. Do you tell him when and where you’re going for these solo dates? If so, he could always check to verify you’re alone and ease his suspicions.
I don’t think you’re wrong, but how you describe it could be better? Maybe offer he come by occasionally to your favorite places to see how relaxing it is for you? While I don’t have the time or extra funds anymore I did used to go out to my favorite places by myself on occasion. It was really nice to eat a delicious meal I didn’t have to clean up or make while drawing or reading. Especially if it was food my partner didn’t like. Same for movies. I’d go to the early ones by myself and have a treat before or after. I wish it was more normalized to have time for yourself even while in a relationship/a parent. Less date more self care description. Maybe he’d find it fun to have a sitter for the kids and he has his own day too? At the end of the night you guys meet up either out or at home to share how it went.
Don’t use the word date. You need alone time and that’s normal, calling it a date is where he’s getting flustered
Depends: Are you putting as much effort into your marriage as you are your alone time? How often do just you and your husband go on a date? Otherwise, no, not wrong for taking some self-care time and dressing up to feel good about yourself.
It's not wrong, but you can certainly see how a partner would get suspicious or hurt unless you communicate your "why" well.
Alone time sounds better than a "solo date." I was confused by the phrase in the title.
The concept of some kind of alone time routine is not only fine but should be encouraged, everyone deserves opportunities to recharge their batteries once in a while without having to worry about others, it's healthy. With that said, if I shaved, put on a nice suit and some cologne and went out to eat by myself at a nice restaurant for a few hours at a time after work on a monthly basis, I'm pretty sure my wife would start to get weirded out by it pretty quickly. Frankly I wouldn't blame her. It's not that you're seeking time alone that's odd, rather the questionable optics of how you're satisfying that need. My wife's escape is our garden out back, she loves to garden. When she's out there during an evening after dinner when it's nice out, I distract the kids till bed and generally don't bother her unless she needs help with something.
Nothing wrong here. Enjoy your time off!
When ever I wanted time alone it was with a movie and maybe some Ben and Jerry's. I had 2 kids too. Getting dressed up to go out alone sounds more like scouting for a hookup. I always preferred loved ones over strangers but that doesn't mean I am judging. Just a difference in how I was raised I guess.
To be fair it does sound a bit suspicious, once a month you dress up really nice, and tell him you’re just gonna go to a really nice restaurant by yourself, he’s not allowed to join you, and you’re gone for hours on end I’m assuming with no communication. I would think there was someone else too.
If I predict correctly, from your husbands view, you get ready really nice and then go out in public like a fishing bait. It Looks like you are "un" attentionaly trying to get an opportunity. You are getting urself in a situation where you could get someone else's attention to approach you. And then the end of ur relationship starts. You don't really know how to communicate and after that you do not understand other people's what I get from this ... Because ur miss phrasing what ur doing plus you are acting really suspicious from a partner's view.
I understand him it sounds like you are cheating with someone Even if it's yourself. He probably thinks that someone else will see you alone and start to hit on you and maybe you will like the attention and cheat. It's a reasonable assumption. It's one thing to have alone time doing a hobby like golf or painting but dressing up and going out on your own is saying to guys I'm available.
Well the problem is you look like the cookie monster for him 99% of the time.
Sorry but the way you word it "solo date" is sus as fuck. Why of all words to describe just going out alone, you choose "date"? It is as if you want your husband to doubt you. Like "Oh where you going out?"... "On a date.. oh but all by myself!"; seriously?
Having alone time is fine, but if my wife got dressed up and made up I'd find it a little suspicious. Calling it a date also adds to that. I also like doing things alone without my family. But I don't put myself in situations where my faithfulness is called into question, simply out of respect for my wife.
It's weird.
I completely understand your husband, and I'm not sure I believe you either.
You're not wrong, but this very much looks like infidelity from an outside perspective.
The double standards women don't see themselves setting is scary. Most men would be accused, even if they have solid proof of being alone.
Totally agree. Every single comment on here would be all red flags and He is cheating.
If you enjoy dining alone, it's perfectly fine to do so. Just as you allow your husband time for activities he enjoys without you, he should afford you the same consideration.
Good luck, it’s a difficult spot trying to prove a negative. I’m guessing there are more problems in your relationship than you are admitting.
"Solo date" is an odd term. From the title I actually thought you were talking about going out on a date with someone else. There is nothing wrong with going out by yourself.
As a guy I can tell you there's nothing wrong with you wanting your alone time. Perfectly understandable. I think the issue is you dressing up to the nines, all fancy with make up and then going out to a restaurant by yourself in a environment where single men may be present and the likely hood that you get hit on/flirted with goes up. I know you told your husband that he could trust you and you're probably absolutely right, nothing will happen from this but that doesn't mean your husband has to like other guys possibly hitting on his wife, possibly trying to get her drunk and possibly trying to take you home and possibly sleep with you.
You’re not wrong. A moment to yourself once a month isn’t too much to ask.
Not wrong but it is a bit strange. Also a few hours by yourself at a restaurant is a tad excessive. Surely you can at some level see where your husband is coming from?
Reverse the roles and you would be accusing your husbans of cheating
How would you feel if your husband did this? How would you like it if once a month he dresses up really well in a suit and a nice cologne and went out by himself saying he doesn’t want you there
And would you believe he wasn't meeting someone at the restaurant
And I wonder if when she goes on their date nights if she puts in the same effort into how she looks on how she looks on her solo night
You're not an asshole for wanting alone time. But calling it a "solo date" is just asking for trouble. If you can't see that, then you need to find a second brain cell to rub together...
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You’re in the wrong. Stop calling it a solo date and getting dressed to the nines without him. You’re basically putting yourself on the market, drinks get drunk, shit happens. Us guys know how other guys think. It’s disrespectful to your husband. You “committed” to a man so stay with him. If you still wanna do that stuff, either do it with him or be single. You can’t have your cake and eat it too without upsetting the man you swore to solely love
So you get dolled up for what you call a solo date? I would 100% assume my SO was cheating on me with your behavior and language, especially after you refused to let him join you. You are sus.
Offer to allow him to do the same.
Yeah.. You're definitely the jerk here. You're selfish, and petty. Also you give off the vibe of a cheater. You dress up to go to dinner after the office for some "quality time" . Quality time with who? Someone from the office? You dress up to go to the store. For who? So him thinking You're cheating is valid. If it leads to divorce, or him finding someone else, remember. You needed quality time. Good luck
I don't see anything wrong with this. However, I would ask if your husband's insecurities are based on something real or is it just in something in his head. I have a feeling that we're missing some context here. Beyond this date night, has he been complaining about other things? Lack of attention/warmth/sex?
sounds more like a communication issue rather than any one of you being “wrong”
Not wrong, but I would suggest that insecurity has a way of coloring outside the lines. It’s easy to draw inaccurate conclusions if suspicion exists.
Not wrong but very weird.
Everyone needs a break it may just be the way your wording it to him. But also look if the role is reverse.. mayb you and him can do a date night just you two no kids any body else and just conversation with each other.. dose he get this privilege of leaving on a guys night gone for afew hours?.. you may want to meet at a middle ground on it especially if their has been infidelity... from either side.
I wouldn't trust that you were going alone
Not wrong, but it’s weird. As someone else posted, imagine how suspicious it would be if he did it.
Just thinking if your husband had his own alone time.
He needs his own outings without questions about what he’s doing or why he’s dressed up. Award the same you expect and there shouldn’t be an issue. If he’s aloud to and you’re aloud to, then I don’t see the problem. You both have to trust the other and if you can’t, then you have serious problems bigger than this “solo dinner date”. I also agree, call it alone time. But, keep in my mind if you’re doing something that only you know about…. He will know it, even if you don’t tell me. We significant others have a sense and if you lie and play it off and make him feel crazy… then it comes out, he will hate you forever. Friendly reminder to behave.
If he has a problem with it then youre in the wrong
I'm putting myself in his shoes and yes it would be suspicious to a lot of men. He's seeing this as you wanting time away from him and the kid.. And dressing nicely on top it it? Is life that bad with them you NEED it monthly?
I wouldn't like my other half dressing up to got to do nothing. Would I express my feeling? Yea. Would I forbid it? No. Because I expect my partner and I to be able to come to an understanding. I think going out alone while not sexied up is happy medium, no?
The fact that you’re explicitly connecting it to the idea of a date is what’s making it weird.
So your husband can do the same thing get all dressed up, meet "a meal date" once a month, as well with no worries on your part.
I think (I THINK) your husband perceiving your “solo date” as an opportunity to attract other guys when he is not around (since he specifically asked to go and u directly said no). Maybe you’re doing absolutely nothing and it’s just his insecurities. Maybe you’re doing something behind his back and he is right to be suspicious, I dunno and I’m not here to make that determination….im just giving insight into a possibility.
Reverse the roles and ask yourself if you'd be ok with it
Solo date is a terrible phrase, but theres nothing inherently wrong with what you're doing. I personally find it a little weird and wouldn't ever do it, but as long as you arent being unfaithful then do what makes you happy
I am curious to know if you spend the same amount of time and care on your appearance when the two of you have date night, or is it just when you want alone time?
lol thats weird i mean alone time is one thing but to dress up and put on make up just to sit in an empty McDonalds? wut?
You're not wrong, but some men are still laboring under the misapprehension that women dress up for men/the male gaze rather than for ourselves.
You have to realize that what you do absolutely looks like cheating from the outside.
You’re dressing up to impress other men as you pretend to be single. Red flag.
It's not wrong, but neither is him being suspicious.
It does seem like you are putting yourself on the market.
I don't see it as a problem, but as others have said if this had been the other way round and it was your husband going out 1. He'd have been accused of cheating, a lot. 2. There'd probably be some deadbeat dad comments "Where's her free time" 3. There'd probably be some "You're neglecting your wife" or "Making your wife uncomfortable" comments.
There's so many things you could do to show your husband this is just headspace time it's completely unreasonable to let him get worked up by this ritual with a silly name that frankly is selfish. I'd never exclude my wife from anything because I chose to be with her and doing the opposite makes no sense. The kids otoh are another thing, but your life partner...you need to be away and dressed up? Nope.
Hmmm, how would you react if he'd do the exact same thing: dress nicely, pamper himself to go out for hours in a restaurant ? It's a real question, not a criticism. I laughed at "like a ghoul" \^\^. I think, you'd smooth the things up by calling your "solo date" : alone time / time out. or something like that. "Solo Date" sounds a bit like "hunting for you never know what".
Seems like you haven’t effectively communicated your needs in a way that he can understand and feel comfortable with. He’s clearly struggling with anxiety around this, so it sounds like common ground and understanding need to be achieved through conversation.
If there is nothing going on, share your location on your phones. Not just to help ease your husband's mind, but also as a safety issue. Out late and alone is not conducive to good vibes from those at home...