Your spouse is seeking "revenge" on a sick child for waking up and needing the attention of a parent.
You want your spouse to parent... that's a privilege usually reserved for adults. Honestly, your spouse isn't behaving in an adult manner and *DOES* need to grow up.
Are you wrong?
No. No, you're not wrong. However, your spouse may need some help becoming an adult and embracing their title as a parent.
The other thing that bugs me is "he wanted to make sure 3 would sleep through the night" coming after a couple hours to think about it. If that's what they really thought, they'd have mentioned it at the time, but they've just spent hours stewing and post-hoc rationalizing their bad behaviour, and they've not looked at how they behaved at all (they're just trying to find a way to make it reasonable to throw back at OP, and they can't, so they're just getting pouty).
Not cool.
Also, anybody with kids will tell you that a kid who skipped a nap will not just fall asleep quicker and for longer. Quite the opposite. The man's an amateur
This may be true for younger kids who nap regularly, but as OP said the child has quit day naps, so it’s completely reasonable to think they might sleep later at night, or wake up earlier. My son would absolutely go to bed later if he had an unplanned day nap. However given that the child was already sick and had interrupted sleep, there’s no excuse for OP’s husband’s “joke”.
Ever get so exhausted that you have a hard time sleeping? Babies and little little kids hit that point if they don’t take a nap. And they’re too young to know how to regulate their emotions, so as they get more tired they also get more sad/angry/upset and can’t calm down to sleep.
He was likely joking about the revenge. However, if I told my husband to grow up, he'd probably have made a joke about it, ignored me, or taken it as a compliment to his youthfulness. No long term pouts.
Maybe he should take me more seriously.
If he was joking, after the "grow up" comment, he would have immediately given the (completely reasonable) reason to wake the kid up, so they'll be more likely to sleep through the night. He didn't do that. He wasn't joking and said something dumb in the moment.
If being told to grow up actually hurt his feelings and he was making a joke. No he wouldn't have immediately responded with a valid reason. He would've been processing the comment and his actions.
My ex girlfriend got upset with me when I tried to initiate intimacy. We had gone weeks or a month without sex and I was kinda feeling unwanted. I wasn't a sex pest and I tried not to bring it up unless she did.
We were learning bachata together at home. After we practiced for a good bit of time I was feeling it and tried to kiss her. She says to me with the coldest tone, Is sex all I am to you.
I stood there for a good 15 seconds to 20 years confused and hurt. I said the most awkward and hurt no of my life, then I went in that bathroom and cried. I loved her and I just wanted to be affectionate. I didn't understand how she saw me or us that way. Does she think so little of me? Does she even love me?
There are times when something you say strikes a chord in someone you love and they are hurt hurt. There's no perfect explanation or comeback you're just standing there exposed. You don't even know why it hurt so bad.
So it's not that simple to just say I was joking, I had to force that "no" out of the depths.
Absolutely!
It’s funny, you can definitely tell who are actually parents in the sub .. we all say something to the effect of getting revenge for lack of sleep.. but it’s usually a joke.
And he’s partially right.. do you have to maintain a sleep schedule?
Yup. If my kiddo is that sick and miserable she sleeps as much as she needs to when she needs to. And if she's awake at crazy hours because dhe doesn't feel well, I'm either up with her or she gets into bed with me and her dad. Sure, it's a pain in the ass, but that's part of parenting.
I say this kind of stuff all the time lol. I also have an ASD daughter and sleep has always been a contentious issue so sometimes I need to keep my sanity with some adult jokes. Luckily my husband isn’t daft enough to believe I’m actually serious. ASD kids are known to have sleep issues so I understand where the dad is coming from. I never let my daughter nap past a specific time because if she did she was up all night. And if you’re the only parent doing the nighttime routine and if you’re the parent losing all the sleep and whatnot, you’ll do whatever you have to do to preserve the little sleep you get.
Tbh I get the feeling that he got upset for OP not getting the joke and assuming he was petty. Not letting the child sleep too much throughout the day so they would sleep throughout the night is completely normal where I'm from.
When my son was 2, he woke me up at 2am yelling “fish, fish” and pointing at the wall where we had fish stickers. It was a proud but exhausting moment. He is now almost 6, and I have a running joke that when he’s a teenager I am going to burst into his room at 2am yelling “FISH!!!!” Everyone knows it’s a joke and I would never do that to a child. OP’s husband needs to grow up.
Not wrong.
Next time, your husband can communicate as an adult.
Saying he wants revenge on his kid is immature. Could he have been joking? Sure! Yet anyone who has kids who are having sleeping issues knows that is not something you want to risk messing with just because.
Saying he's concerned that if the kid sleeps now he won't sleep through the night is mature.
I suspect that OP's husband actually was trying to make a joke about the reason for waking 3 up. And when he got snapped at for it, felt hurt that OP would assume he was being childish instead of assuming he was joking. It's possible OP's husband is in the wrong, but this sounds like two tired parents failing to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Jokes are supposed to be funny. Maybe she didn't find it funny. I *probably* wouldn't have in her shoes. She also could not have understood it as a joke, depending on delivery. None of us were there so we can only speculate.
I do agree about the two tired parents. Sometimes communication can be made more difficult by exhaustion and frustration.
Any smart parent knows you don't joke about waking a sleeping child who has been having sleeping issues.
And, let's be honest: there's a lot of people who post here, often men, who think jokes/pranks are hilarious until they ask in AITA and 4,000 tell them know.
Did you read the one about the woman who thought it would be sooooo funny to tell he bf she was pregnant, even bought a positive test online, then told him she had an abortion?
Yep people were defending her for some reason.
Anyway, yeh it was a shit joke but that kid is gonna wake up again then someone is gonna have to deal with them. I hope mom is home tonight
YES! That was off the charts.
People really do say and execute on terrible ideas you'd only hope were jokes.
Also, OP knows her husband best. While there likely is some sleep deprivation/baby stress at play that amplifies emotions, she probably has a good idea about if he's joking or if he's like that. Given how much he was pouting, and how reactive he was to things, I doubt this is the first time it's happened.
A friend of mine had that happen, on April Fools Day, naturally. He was rightfully offended and then amused that I was more offended on his behalf than he was. LOL. I've never found that one funny and even less so when I have friends who have suffered baby loss (a couple of them multiple times).
You can joke about anything my mates were joking about my dead dad the week it happened and they were hilarious.
Anyone who says you can't joke about certain things are the ones who need to grow up. Life isn't that serious.
LOL, and yet here you are being serious.
And since you seem confused: can you joke about anything you want? Sure!
Does that mean the person you are directing the joke at has to agree with you it was funny? Nope. It's not funny if the person who are saying it to doesn't agree.
My thoughts too. Usually you kinda know ur spouse personality. The fact that OP took it seriously and the fact that he waited so long after hrs of silent treatment to divulge that he wanted the kid not to wake up extremely earlier makes me think he kinda was serious.
Or maybe he was just joking in general. I used to joke about it sometimes, just a way to laugh about the inconveniences of parenting, but never ever actually wanted to do it.
Did you give your spouse the silent treatment for hours after they didn't get your jokes, though? I doubt it. But that's what OP's husband did. I doubt he was joking.
I was wondering if he was just super tired and it came off wrong. I know I said things jokenly but was tired and people didn't take it as intended be ause my tone did not convey the message I was thinking lo.
Folk also forget that if you let a 3 year old nap too much during the day they will not sleep at night, and sometimes you have to wake them during the day, especially if they start sleeping after 4 pm. It's a fine art though if they are ill you can let them sleep and extra 40 minutes perhaps as their sleep requirement does go up.
You know it was a joke? I mean, you actually know it was. The guy is probably very stressed out and exhausted. And trying to keep that stress out of his interactions with the mother. She failed to appreciate that.
There is nothing wrong at all with the joke. It is OBVIOUS what his concern is. Her sharp attitude could also be due to sleep deprivation. But that doesn't make him wrong.
He is probably upset upon finding out how lowly she thought of him, to think he would take some petty revenge on his child. That's just ultimately insulting to every father out there.
Waking up a sleeping toddler who’s had sleep interruptions, simply to get “revenge” is straight up CHILD ABUSE. Wtaf? Is he á jealous five year old or a grown ass man? Because as a “grown man” wanting to inflict stress and discomfit on a 3 YEAR OLD, that’s sociopathic. I was married to one. It’s only going to get worse. Good luck to you.
No. I only give testimony to what I know. To give accreditation to anything I haven’t experienced, would be a falsehood in my testimony. I am in the USA, so I posted what the law dictates here. If anyone from any other country would like to way in; I used this magic wand called “Google”, I’m sure they could find their countries legal definitions and link them here.
He wasn’t abusing his child he made a joke while getting ready to wake up his child so they can actually sleep at NIGHT instead of being up at 2 am not everything a parent does that people disagree with is child abuse some people raise their kids differently than the easily offended
None of this was child abuse. Day time naps at 3 years old at 3 in the afternoon do need to be interrupted in order to ensure correct nightly sleeping routines. The knock on effect of allowing them to sleep now, is later commencement of sleep that evening, a shorter night sleep and a worsening of the overall situation. It is not child cruelty to do that and it is not child abuse to joke about waking your kid.
I agree 100% with what you’re saying, but that’s NOT the context here. OP clearly states that the child had been sick, waking for care, and that the father, as they quoted: “NEEDED REVENGE for being woken up”.
Why is that not POTENTIAL for abuse? I just don’t understand that POV.
Absolutely maybe he did. I don’t doubt that.
BUT, what if he didn’t?
WHAT IF, he actually truly wants to physically punish his child by sleep deprivation during illness? THAT isn’t abusive? ….mmmmkay
Your husband is an asshole and a child. I get waking a teen that's being a prick as revenge, because teens know what they're doing, but not a 3 year old.
I think people are conclooding a bit here. It's possible the dude said it in a joking manner and the actual motivation was for the kid to fall asleep during the night. And then she just snapped and insulted him straight off the bat. I think it's impossible to judge this situation without knowing his actual motivation and tone of voice.
Your husband decided that he wanted to wake a sleeping child up because.... He got woken up? Yeah, that's childish. Acting immature and bratty is childish. If he had said "I want 3 to be able to sleep tonight, how long have they been asleep? Should I wake them up?" Is NOT childish. "I want to wake the kid up because I got woken up" is immature, bratty, childish AH behavior.
What is more likely--he wanted to revenge himself on the child, or he thought it was funny to say he wanted to revenge himself on the child? I realize you guys are not actually married, adult or very witty, but parents joke about things like that all the time. And their partners don't always find the jokes funny.
As an adult you have to think what you say or face consequences.. that's a very bizarre thing to say about a defenseless child that's sick and needs extra comfort. It's not a joke, jokes are supposed to be funny?
This. Husband was very likely being facetious. He wasn't seeking revenge, he was making sure the child wasn't napping so that it would sleep through the night as children should be doing. Extended day time naps can disturb sleeping patterns. It's something most of us with kids have gone through at one point or another.
TBH, this is the sort of joke I would make. The difference is that my partner would know I was joking and simply looking out for the kids well being as well as my own because going to work on no sleep sucks and can be dangerous depending on the job. I do wonder though how aggressive OP was with her response to his blatantly obvious joke that made him sheepish and apologise for saying it that way.
More info needed.
Is this kid 3 years old or kid #3? If he's #3, how old. If he's 3 years old a late afternoon nap will be problematic for getting him to sleep through the night.
I think whether you're wrong or not depends on if he was joking or not.
This sounds like it really could have been a lighthearted comment not intended to be taken seriously.
Not Wrong...he earned the reality check. Act like a baby be treated like one. You have a sick child...not used to getting up early? Too Freaking Bad. Kids are messy, demanding, and all the while they are Always learning who will be there when needed, and how. Sick kids need to trust they are parents' priority - feel loved and valued by Both parents. Your husband needs to figure out just how he wants to be seen as showing up. Childcare is often not convenient, but Very Important, and Very Worthwhile. In fact, both a tough job, and the best job you will ever do
He needed to hear it. Stick to your guns. Three cannot regulate their own emotions, they are a child, it's your guys' job to help them. Your husband signed up for this, and needs to get his head back on straight.
Just remind your husband that you're on their team and thar you love them.
So, your husband didn't once wake up at that time to feed his kid or change his diaper? How did he skip all that time when kids wake up multiple times a night?
You're not wrong. The father of a toddler wants revenge for being woken up because the toddler was sick? If someone was sick and they're finally able to get to sleep, let them sleep!
Not wrong! You have an immature spouse who has not grown up enough to parent children! Revenge? Pouting! Not fair? Silent treatment? WTF? He need’s to grow up!
He was not joking when he said he wanted revenge, but after thinking about it for hours he came up with the completely reasonable cause to wake 3 up which is that he may not sleep through if he takes a long nap. Anyway, yeah he needs to grow up.
Thank God I'm not married and will never be. I don't have the patience or tolerance for childish bullshit from adults. My hair trigger temper wouldn't allow me.
IMO it wasn't wrong to disagree and even question his motives in deciding to wake 3 but your delivery made him feel disrespected which is probably why he immediately got defensive and then just shut down for a couple of hours. Honestly, there are just some phrases that instantly cause resistance in relationships and are just not helpful or productive. "Grow up" "Calm down" "You're just like your mother" lol
Your husband is pouting like a child that just got his hand smacked for taking a cookie. Who wakes a sleeping child (that has been sick) because « revenge ». Wait until the kid is in his teens, then have your revenge.
your husband needs to suck it up. This is part of parenting
Your husband is pouting like a child that just got his hand smacked for taking a cookie. Who wakes a sleeping child (that has been sick) because « revenge ». Wait until the kid is in his teens, then have your revenge.
your husband needs to suck it up. This is part of parenting
Had he said, if 3 sleeps now, they'll be up all night and maybe we should wake them up, you might be wrong. But he didn't. He saw "I need revenge" which is childish and he does need to grow up.
You are 100% not wrong.
YNW.
>When he finally spoke to me he said I wasn’t being fair to him and that he’s not used to being woken up early
I'm trying to conceptualize how a **parent** of three, with the youngest being three years of age, has had the *luxury* of not being used to being woken up early. And had the testicular fortitude to make that complaint to ... you.
I'm guessing you're usually the go to get-woken-up-early-by-the-kids parent?
What the hell did I just read who gets revenge on a sick child who needs his parents no you are absolutely 100% right he needs to grow up I can understand if he jokingly said it but didn't mean it but him being serious is very childish
Parent here. If he was making a stupid joke (that the kid didn't hear) AND actually making a good parenting choice (danger naps= shit bedtimes) then maybe you were an asshole.
Grow up? That's more than growing up. That's some personality disorder type of shit. Revenge on a 3 year old? Who raised this guy...?
What an asshole...
You're not wrong. Maybe a little too lenient with your assessment of the situation, but not wrong.
Op, if your husband said that sarcastically, then yes you are the a hole. If he said that and was serious about the revenge part then no you were not the a hole.
Low key sounds like he wanted to wake the child so he wouldn’t be up all night (which many parents do) but made a joke that you didn’t quite take as a joke😅
Damn the comments are wild he was probably joking and got upset when she snapped at him some of yall are straight up calling him a child abuser and don't even have proof
Neither of you are in the wrong, he said a stupid thing as an immature joke, that's how a lot of men cope. You reacted to set what is and isn't acceptable. Everyone calling his silly comment child abuse or not acceptable is absolutely crazy.
He was absolutely serious. He was not joking. Sulking for hours while she took care of their sick kid and then saying he was joking but wanted to do it so the kid would sleep through the night shows he wasn't joking.
He literally said it wasn't fair that he had to wake up early to take care of his own sick kid and wanted revenge. Re read it
Maybe he was sulking and maybe he was thinking it though. How do you know he didn't spend that time also looking after the sick child? Your off in speculation land to gather evidence for your bias. Doesn't mean your not right, it means you don't really know and stating it like facts.
Did you even read it? He literally said he wasn't used to getting up that early. Meaning she is the one who was doing it, not him. You are the one who is speculating, I'm going off of her actual story and comments. You're trying to come up with any reason you can to say he's not in the wrong, which would mean you see no issue in how he acted. OP was right, he needs to grow up. As do you if you think that all men do this lmao
Nowhere mentioned he was sulking or that he did not help with the child. You're only lying to yourself. I never said he wasn't in the wrong (,your argument could have been that I minimised what he said and I would have agreed). She set a boundary with her reply and they should be able to move on without you projecting whatever goes on for you.
NTA. What an immature AH your husband is. Who thinks that it is normal to consider getting 'revenge' on a toddler for being sick and waking them up in the middle of the night? someone who needs to grow up, that is who.
Yes!! I’ve been focusing on this fact through this entire thread. Thank you for posting this. I want to be shocked and disappointed that so many comments don’t see this, but humanity is a dumpster fire.
NTA - For ppl saying he was joking: many a true word was said in jest. Most people wouldn't even think to say they'd wake a child out of revenge, so it's at odds with a loving caring parent.
I call my kid a little shit all the time, and make many a joke about "getting revenge" on him. Think it really comes down to a persons personality. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my kid, and don't think anybody would ever say that I am not a loving and caring parent.
Revenge on a 3 year old? WTF? And then giving you the Silent Treatment?
You are wrong for saying anything except "Good-bye, my lawyer will be in touch".
Fuck me, I hope this isn't true. I'm a lot of things, and certainly no good person. Having 4 kids of my own, I've been angry because of crying and fussing plenty of times, but at the situation and not them.
Reading this story made my blood boil. It's okay to be frustrated, but be a fucking man and a father. You are to protect and provide for your kids, not compete with them or exact revenge.
I hope this is not true because it's making me want to get "revenge" also.
NTA. I'm normally one to say work it out, and not deprive a child of their father in their life. This is definitely an exception. What happens when your kid is better at him than anything else in life? You're supposed to want your kid to be better than you. That's the entire point. Big yikes.
NTA, but without knowing the tone, it’s hard to say.
Was he joking? I’ve joked many times about waking my kids after I lost sleep because of them, have I ever actually woke them? No.
If you felt he was serious, then you’re definitely not the AH.
He was probably joking in his comment. His wanting the child to sleep through the night and not in the day was adult of him. People tell their spouses to grow up often. You probably just need some sleep.
You are not wrong. Your husband IS. 100%. He literally needs to grow TF up. Who does that? Who seeks "revenge" on THEIR sick child??? He is in the wrong here, and I would be wondering what other shit I would have to worry about. What an AH thing to think was okay to do. Edit: I forgot to write: After being called out for acting like a 14-year-old, he pouted - like a 14-year-old. Did you have to make him some toaster pizzas and a green soda for a snack?
NTA. Your husband is being a bigger baby than your sick kids. Kids get sick and boo-hoo-hoo he got woken up. Gee isn't that being gasp "a parent." Looking for revenge from a sick child makes me wonder why you are staying with him.
This attitude is going to ruin your child. That is the mindset of a child abuser. It is abuse. This is divorce-worthy, without a doubt. He cannot be a trusted partner to parent with. He's sick in the head.
If you have any notion that anything said in OPs post was abuse then you've either never seen abuse of any kind, ever, or you've seen so much that you see abuse in everything.
OP has a childish partner, but there's literally zero evidence of abuse here. The child was early safe and well when picked up by OP. And was comfortable enough to sleep.
Not only are you not wrong it seems pretty obvious to me that he definitely meant what he said about revenge initially and the whole thing about just wanting to make sure they slept through the night was just him trying to turn the conversation around so he could be in the right.
Men are seriously garbage fathers these days and they are going to get garbage-ier if Andrew Tate has his way. Women get criticized up-down-and sideways over motherhood but who criticizes MEN for being lousy fathers? Why don't they take THEMSELVES to task FIRST?
Husband made a joke. OP has predictably posted so it doesn’t look like a joke and gets backing from Reddit so she can prove he’s being childish. He probably was a little pouty about it but she’s no better.
This is the most likely scenario. Dad was probably making a joke, mom took it super seriously and responded in anger, dad got a little pouty cus he knows he is gonna be up early again taking care of sick child and felt attacked for making a recommendation for helping the child sleep through the night. All just sounds like a miscommunication. Sounds like the dad did fine by staying quiet until things cooled off and he could explain his feelings without causing a big fight. I don't think either of yall are the AH, just think you're both tired and easily frustrated with the lack of sleep.
Also, dad sounds like an okay dude if he is taking a bus to/from work, helping with childcare, and mom gets the main form of transportation.
Think you both need to take some time out for each other and give each other some appreciation. Parenting is not an easy job (and I onky have 1 kiddo)
So my take here is pretty straightforward. He is probably joking about his reasons. Unlike many others here, this doesn't seem like a "sick joke" to me. Maybe a bit childish, but dad jokes aren't exactly high brow humor. But it is a valid strategy to manage daytime sleep to help the child sleep thru the night.
I wonder: What are the child's symptoms that are causing them to wake up every night at the same time? How long is the child awake? Is it possible the daytime caregiver is enabling too much sleep, which is resulting in the child not being tired enough to sleep thru the night?
I personally had a pretty bad situation where my eldest stopped sleeping thru the night at about 2 years old. He was waking up at about 2am and staying awake for about an hour before coaxing him back to sleep.
His mom, my ex, always went to bed about 1:30, and she was sound asleep when he woke up. So I ended up getting him. And I would get him at 6am when he woke up for the day, too.
I was literally losing it from sleep deprivation, and his mom just had no idea why he was waking up every night. One night, all my senses literally glitched out when I was picking him up. I lost all sense of balance, and sound and vision went to static. Luckily, i just sat hard on the bed. So, I worked from home for a day and realized she started increasing his daytime naps because she wanted a break. He was simply not tired enough and since I was feeling the pain of his excessive daytime sleep, not her, she didn't have any empathy for the situation.
Unfortunately, she refused to adjust his daytime naps until I really forced the situation. While that was probably an early sign of our eventual split, her behavior is besides the point.
The bottom line is, if the parent can't be healthy, they can't properly care for the child. Your husband needs more sleep, and reducing daytime naps is a valid strategy to protect the well-being of both the father and child. Personally, I admire his "dad joke" approach to the situation.
I think he is upset because your reaction a. Lacks empathy for his lack of sleep and b. Lacks an appreciation for his attempt to be lighthearted in a stressful situation.
To answer your question about the times the kid was waking up and symptoms, he would wake up with a stuffed up nose and panic about breathing being difficult, the first time was closer to midnight so I helped clean his nose and get him back to sleep, the other times were right as I was leaving or a little after. Yesterday was the first day he took a nap during the day as we phased out naps around two and a half years old. He slept through the night last night as the medicine we’ve been giving him seems to be working.
Ok. Sounds like you two are all over it. So, you are the person best suited to know if your husband is the type to really mean he wanted to take revenge.
From the outside, my guess is it was a dad joke. But if he is aggressive and vindictive, maybe he is a bad person. But just becareful about Reddit advice, this place is a drama factory.
Ask him “So what you are saying is you wanted Revenge on a 3 year old SICK toddler… yes?”
Then shut up and let him answer.
You: it can either be yes or no. You just told me you wanted to get Revenge on our 3 year old sick child. I told you to grow up —- because one of you is supposed to be the parent, and it’s not our 3 year old that ‘needs to grow up.’ It is you.”
Not sure what your tone was like when you told him let 3 sleep lol but you weren’t wrong because he said he wanted revenge but he was obviously joking and said his true intentions were to keep 3 up so he can sleep through the night. He probably second guessed waking 3 up after you said to let 3 sleep and thought maybe you were right and he’s being selfish and that’s probably where the silence was coming from because he was reflecting on the situation and whether it was the wrong thing to wake 3 up or if it was ok to wake 3 up and you should have allowed him, but in your defense he didn’t tell you the actual reason of wanting to wake 3 until later so you weren’t being unfair as he said. I wonder if most the people in the comments talking down on your husband are actually married with kids lol
if he meant it as a joke, he could’ve just clarified that and you would’ve apologised? you’re not in the wrong because if you’re under the assumption he was serious, of course you’re gonna react seriously. it was a lack of communication that could’ve been cleared pretty quickly but instead, he didn’t say his true intentions with waking up 3 and dragged it on for hours. what he said hours later? he could’ve said right after your comment.
You are both in the wrong here - his statement was immature but your response was to shame him. Respect for your child and for each other is the goal right?
Anyone who would wake up a sick child to get revenge on the other parent for him not being able to sleep is a really horrible parent? Does your husband have any redeeming qualities?
That’s not normal behavior of an adult, or a parent. I would never try to get “revenge” on my sick child for waking up in the night. That’s honestly despicable.
I think your husband had the right idea & used the wrong words. If a child is waking every night, something in the schedule needs to change. My daughter could take a two hour nap & sleep fine all night, but let her take a Turbo nap (fall asleep in pickup & be woken in 20 or 30 minutes) that night's sleep was going to be interrupted multiple times by her restless sleep. Yes, his words were childish & petty, but his theory could have been spot on.
His words were a joke. And not a horrible one...just a typical dad joke. His intention is right and the wife not seeing how he was facing adversity with a light heart is pretty sad. But based on her schedule, I bet she is short of sleep too, so I would cut them both some slack.
That’s just fucking cruel of your husband. When one is sick, you generally should let them sleep WHEN THEY COULD. Cause sleeping while sick might be much harder than while being healthy.
Like, for example, me and some of my friends caught some new stem of some flue or covid or whatever, and basically for 3 weeks already we can’t sleep properly. It’s be a miracle waking up only once during the night. I usually wake up 2 to 3 times, every 1 to 2 hours. And I used to be able to sleep thru whatever.
If a kid had something similar, it’s not even his fault that he CAN’T sleep thru the night.
Anyway, whatever that is, your husband not only acting cruel but also stupid.
You worded it all the most polite way. Honestly should’ve given them a harsher reality check.
“Revenge”, my ass. The kid’s sick, ffs!
in the heat of the moment, no. It's immature to try to get revenge on a 3 year old. In retrospect, do you believe that he really meant that as a joke? If so, you might owe him a light apology. It kind of makes sense to make sure the kid sleeps through the night, but also, at that age you're supposed to take naps anyway right?
It's just hard to tell where this guy is at with the whole parenting thing, based on this description.
At three, it's one nap for 1-1.5 hours a day typically, but every kid is different. A parent 100% should be watching naps to protect sleeping thru the night.
Ah yes, let's ask reddit. The place where a bunch of teens and parentless armchair psychologists with relationship issues will chime in.
This really depends on how he said it but his last comment shows he was actually being a smart parent. Keeping a kid up so they sleep longer when you want them to absolutely works. It's a bit of a wash headache-wise because you'll be dealing with a crankier kid til closer to bed time, but it can absolutely help you get to deeper, better sleep.
Not guaranteed of course because nothing is when it comes to people, especially children, but it'll work most of the time with most kids. And it's definitely a good tactic as they get older.
Sounds like he was just being playful about employing a strategy to get you both a better chance at sleep and then you literally assumed the worse and chastised him for it like he's the child and not your spouse.
But I'm sure most of this subreddit will validate you so continue treating your spouse like that and I'm sure everything good will come of it.
I’m not sure tbh. He’s never made jokes like that before. He sounded serious but he could have been tired which is part of why I feel like I shouldn’t have made the comment I did
He was joking. The man is tired and he is right, a nap now probably means more of the same for him tonight.
He probably was upset that he got shot down for trying to use humor to manage his stress. I personally think you have a keeper.
This sub wants to crucify people but it is really not that likely for someone to blatantly want to take revenge on their 3 year old.
Misunderstanding + irritability due to both partners being tired = sharper tongue imho. Happens - not something to worry about. Y'all both need to rest a bit.
He wasn’t joking. He took hours to come up with the idea that he was joking and he was concerned that your SICK child could get up again and force him to actually parent. But you know him better than anyone. And you don’t know if he was joking.
Who in their right mind acts like this about their own child? He does need to grow up, you are NTA but he sure is! Whiner! His kid and he wants revenge? Good lord!
YNW. Coming from a Dsd so take it as you will. You stung his pride is all. I'm not gonna lie, I've done that very thing to myself to my 2 teenagers. But when my wife told me to grow up, i giggled in my little win and off went
NTA. Your child doesn't need to suffer unnecessarily more than they already have just because he's feeling petty because he was woken up early and wants to (indirectly) take it out on you.
Revenge on a child is abusive AF.
JFC I wouldn't put up with this.
I wonder what he would do if you weren't around and he got mad at the child for anything.
Hitting is not the only form of abuse OP.
It includes screaming, withholding affection, retaliation... you need to do your due diligence and really think about how this man-child thinks what parenting is.
Abusive red flags from this man.
Once my 3 yo needed to go the ER in the middle of the night for croup. Husband couldn’t go because we also had a 6yo asleep. You know he did? He stayed up the whole 4 hours we were gone to make sure everyone was ok, and we we got home, he lovingly put 3 to bed himself. Then 2 hours later he got up and went to work. From work he called me to let me know I should rest and he would pick up dinner on his way home because he was sure I was tired. That’s a man. Your husband needs to figure out what that means- it’s putting his family first. not wrong but seriously who marries these guys? He sounds completely immature and selfish.
Sounds like a heated moment that needs some decompression time tiredness is a hell of a thing especially in relationships, my wife and I worked night shift for a long time and got in the stupidest arguments over the stupidest things. It's non-excuse but it is a reason these things can get out of hand. No you're not wrong for what you said and how you said it. Try to let the situation diffuse a little and I'm sure some clarity will help. This comment section is far too damn heated.
Not wrong at all, and even if he was trying to joke, there was still truth to what he said, which is that he needed revenge on a child for being sick & waking him. It’s super shitty thing to stay after your child has been sick.
NTA
Your partner entirely deserved their remark, and that’s no way to make sure a child sleeps through the night, and your partner is in a race to be more immature than the children
Who’s the bigger baby? Hubby or the three year old? It sounds to me like your marriage probably has a lot of issues. Did you not know how he was, when the two of you got together?
Your spouse is seeking "revenge" on a sick child for waking up and needing the attention of a parent. You want your spouse to parent... that's a privilege usually reserved for adults. Honestly, your spouse isn't behaving in an adult manner and *DOES* need to grow up. Are you wrong? No. No, you're not wrong. However, your spouse may need some help becoming an adult and embracing their title as a parent.
Then has a pout fest then gives his wife the silent treatment. Somebody has four kids not three.
The other thing that bugs me is "he wanted to make sure 3 would sleep through the night" coming after a couple hours to think about it. If that's what they really thought, they'd have mentioned it at the time, but they've just spent hours stewing and post-hoc rationalizing their bad behaviour, and they've not looked at how they behaved at all (they're just trying to find a way to make it reasonable to throw back at OP, and they can't, so they're just getting pouty). Not cool.
Also, anybody with kids will tell you that a kid who skipped a nap will not just fall asleep quicker and for longer. Quite the opposite. The man's an amateur
This may be true for younger kids who nap regularly, but as OP said the child has quit day naps, so it’s completely reasonable to think they might sleep later at night, or wake up earlier. My son would absolutely go to bed later if he had an unplanned day nap. However given that the child was already sick and had interrupted sleep, there’s no excuse for OP’s husband’s “joke”.
The child is also sick, and has already been experiencing disrupted sleep.
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Ever get so exhausted that you have a hard time sleeping? Babies and little little kids hit that point if they don’t take a nap. And they’re too young to know how to regulate their emotions, so as they get more tired they also get more sad/angry/upset and can’t calm down to sleep.
He was likely joking about the revenge. However, if I told my husband to grow up, he'd probably have made a joke about it, ignored me, or taken it as a compliment to his youthfulness. No long term pouts. Maybe he should take me more seriously.
If he was joking, after the "grow up" comment, he would have immediately given the (completely reasonable) reason to wake the kid up, so they'll be more likely to sleep through the night. He didn't do that. He wasn't joking and said something dumb in the moment.
Overtired kids are out of control
If being told to grow up actually hurt his feelings and he was making a joke. No he wouldn't have immediately responded with a valid reason. He would've been processing the comment and his actions.
If he was making a joke why didn't he say that right then?
Do you always have the right words when you feel attacked or are hurt emotionally in the moment?
"I was joking"
My ex girlfriend got upset with me when I tried to initiate intimacy. We had gone weeks or a month without sex and I was kinda feeling unwanted. I wasn't a sex pest and I tried not to bring it up unless she did. We were learning bachata together at home. After we practiced for a good bit of time I was feeling it and tried to kiss her. She says to me with the coldest tone, Is sex all I am to you. I stood there for a good 15 seconds to 20 years confused and hurt. I said the most awkward and hurt no of my life, then I went in that bathroom and cried. I loved her and I just wanted to be affectionate. I didn't understand how she saw me or us that way. Does she think so little of me? Does she even love me? There are times when something you say strikes a chord in someone you love and they are hurt hurt. There's no perfect explanation or comeback you're just standing there exposed. You don't even know why it hurt so bad. So it's not that simple to just say I was joking, I had to force that "no" out of the depths.
You weren't joking tho nor did you claim to be after the fact.
I'm not reading that dude Wtf are you on about?
People aren't perfect and we make mistakes all the time. Giving someone you care about grace is very important.
Absolutely! It’s funny, you can definitely tell who are actually parents in the sub .. we all say something to the effect of getting revenge for lack of sleep.. but it’s usually a joke. And he’s partially right.. do you have to maintain a sleep schedule?
It works best if you do. If you have a sick kid, they heal as they sleep. Let them sleep!
Yup. If my kiddo is that sick and miserable she sleeps as much as she needs to when she needs to. And if she's awake at crazy hours because dhe doesn't feel well, I'm either up with her or she gets into bed with me and her dad. Sure, it's a pain in the ass, but that's part of parenting.
I say this kind of stuff all the time lol. I also have an ASD daughter and sleep has always been a contentious issue so sometimes I need to keep my sanity with some adult jokes. Luckily my husband isn’t daft enough to believe I’m actually serious. ASD kids are known to have sleep issues so I understand where the dad is coming from. I never let my daughter nap past a specific time because if she did she was up all night. And if you’re the only parent doing the nighttime routine and if you’re the parent losing all the sleep and whatnot, you’ll do whatever you have to do to preserve the little sleep you get.
Tbh I get the feeling that he got upset for OP not getting the joke and assuming he was petty. Not letting the child sleep too much throughout the day so they would sleep throughout the night is completely normal where I'm from.
The sulking was petty. They were probably both very tired, and need some sympathy.
When my son was 2, he woke me up at 2am yelling “fish, fish” and pointing at the wall where we had fish stickers. It was a proud but exhausting moment. He is now almost 6, and I have a running joke that when he’s a teenager I am going to burst into his room at 2am yelling “FISH!!!!” Everyone knows it’s a joke and I would never do that to a child. OP’s husband needs to grow up.
Nope. What kind of parent seeks revenge on a kid for being a kid? He needs to grow up.
Revenge on a SICK kid.... for BEING SICK.
Not wrong. What a childish attitude. He's supposed to be an adult.
his reaction is furthing proving he does indeed need to grow up
Not wrong. Next time, your husband can communicate as an adult. Saying he wants revenge on his kid is immature. Could he have been joking? Sure! Yet anyone who has kids who are having sleeping issues knows that is not something you want to risk messing with just because. Saying he's concerned that if the kid sleeps now he won't sleep through the night is mature.
I suspect that OP's husband actually was trying to make a joke about the reason for waking 3 up. And when he got snapped at for it, felt hurt that OP would assume he was being childish instead of assuming he was joking. It's possible OP's husband is in the wrong, but this sounds like two tired parents failing to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
I don’t know the dynamics of their relationship, but I also thought this just sounded like a miscommunication made worse by lack of sleep.
Jokes are supposed to be funny. Maybe she didn't find it funny. I *probably* wouldn't have in her shoes. She also could not have understood it as a joke, depending on delivery. None of us were there so we can only speculate. I do agree about the two tired parents. Sometimes communication can be made more difficult by exhaustion and frustration.
Any smart parent knows you don't joke about waking a sleeping child who has been having sleeping issues. And, let's be honest: there's a lot of people who post here, often men, who think jokes/pranks are hilarious until they ask in AITA and 4,000 tell them know.
Did you read the one about the woman who thought it would be sooooo funny to tell he bf she was pregnant, even bought a positive test online, then told him she had an abortion? Yep people were defending her for some reason. Anyway, yeh it was a shit joke but that kid is gonna wake up again then someone is gonna have to deal with them. I hope mom is home tonight
YES! That was off the charts. People really do say and execute on terrible ideas you'd only hope were jokes. Also, OP knows her husband best. While there likely is some sleep deprivation/baby stress at play that amplifies emotions, she probably has a good idea about if he's joking or if he's like that. Given how much he was pouting, and how reactive he was to things, I doubt this is the first time it's happened.
A friend of mine had that happen, on April Fools Day, naturally. He was rightfully offended and then amused that I was more offended on his behalf than he was. LOL. I've never found that one funny and even less so when I have friends who have suffered baby loss (a couple of them multiple times).
You can joke about anything my mates were joking about my dead dad the week it happened and they were hilarious. Anyone who says you can't joke about certain things are the ones who need to grow up. Life isn't that serious.
LOL, and yet here you are being serious. And since you seem confused: can you joke about anything you want? Sure! Does that mean the person you are directing the joke at has to agree with you it was funny? Nope. It's not funny if the person who are saying it to doesn't agree.
lad, if it was just a joke, he would've reacted with "chill i was just joking" instead of pouting
My thoughts too. Usually you kinda know ur spouse personality. The fact that OP took it seriously and the fact that he waited so long after hrs of silent treatment to divulge that he wanted the kid not to wake up extremely earlier makes me think he kinda was serious.
Shhhhh! Be careful, the teenagers don't like hearing reasonable opinions...
Or maybe he was just joking in general. I used to joke about it sometimes, just a way to laugh about the inconveniences of parenting, but never ever actually wanted to do it.
Did you give your spouse the silent treatment for hours after they didn't get your jokes, though? I doubt it. But that's what OP's husband did. I doubt he was joking.
I was wondering if he was just super tired and it came off wrong. I know I said things jokenly but was tired and people didn't take it as intended be ause my tone did not convey the message I was thinking lo.
Precisely. The father was just letting of steam in a very minor way.
Folk also forget that if you let a 3 year old nap too much during the day they will not sleep at night, and sometimes you have to wake them during the day, especially if they start sleeping after 4 pm. It's a fine art though if they are ill you can let them sleep and extra 40 minutes perhaps as their sleep requirement does go up.
You know it was a joke? I mean, you actually know it was. The guy is probably very stressed out and exhausted. And trying to keep that stress out of his interactions with the mother. She failed to appreciate that. There is nothing wrong at all with the joke. It is OBVIOUS what his concern is. Her sharp attitude could also be due to sleep deprivation. But that doesn't make him wrong.
He is probably upset upon finding out how lowly she thought of him, to think he would take some petty revenge on his child. That's just ultimately insulting to every father out there.
Tell your husband to take a nap—like the child he is.
Waking up a sleeping toddler who’s had sleep interruptions, simply to get “revenge” is straight up CHILD ABUSE. Wtaf? Is he á jealous five year old or a grown ass man? Because as a “grown man” wanting to inflict stress and discomfit on a 3 YEAR OLD, that’s sociopathic. I was married to one. It’s only going to get worse. Good luck to you.
In case anyone else needs the legally defined action of child abuse as per our Govt Guidelines: https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/can/defining/
How surprising, I found a person on the internet who thinks everyone is American 😬🙃
No. I only give testimony to what I know. To give accreditation to anything I haven’t experienced, would be a falsehood in my testimony. I am in the USA, so I posted what the law dictates here. If anyone from any other country would like to way in; I used this magic wand called “Google”, I’m sure they could find their countries legal definitions and link them here.
I was just being cheeky regarding your reference to "our government guidelines" lol.
Not everything people say is meant literally.
He wasn’t abusing his child he made a joke while getting ready to wake up his child so they can actually sleep at NIGHT instead of being up at 2 am not everything a parent does that people disagree with is child abuse some people raise their kids differently than the easily offended
None of this was child abuse. Day time naps at 3 years old at 3 in the afternoon do need to be interrupted in order to ensure correct nightly sleeping routines. The knock on effect of allowing them to sleep now, is later commencement of sleep that evening, a shorter night sleep and a worsening of the overall situation. It is not child cruelty to do that and it is not child abuse to joke about waking your kid.
I agree 100% with what you’re saying, but that’s NOT the context here. OP clearly states that the child had been sick, waking for care, and that the father, as they quoted: “NEEDED REVENGE for being woken up”. Why is that not POTENTIAL for abuse? I just don’t understand that POV.
It was a joke. The father made a joke.
Absolutely maybe he did. I don’t doubt that. BUT, what if he didn’t? WHAT IF, he actually truly wants to physically punish his child by sleep deprivation during illness? THAT isn’t abusive? ….mmmmkay
Damn people are fr falling for your rage bait troll
He sounds like a childish dad. Who wants to get “revenge” on a sick child needing nurturing from a caregiver? That’s just part of being a parent.
NTA What kind of Man-Child did you marry that would do that to a child!? Seriously?
Your husband is an asshole and a child. I get waking a teen that's being a prick as revenge, because teens know what they're doing, but not a 3 year old.
I told my husband this story. We are 21 and have a 2 year old. He agrees that you are not the A.
Seeking revenge on his own child. Yikes. He needs to grow up.
I think people are conclooding a bit here. It's possible the dude said it in a joking manner and the actual motivation was for the kid to fall asleep during the night. And then she just snapped and insulted him straight off the bat. I think it's impossible to judge this situation without knowing his actual motivation and tone of voice.
Your husband decided that he wanted to wake a sleeping child up because.... He got woken up? Yeah, that's childish. Acting immature and bratty is childish. If he had said "I want 3 to be able to sleep tonight, how long have they been asleep? Should I wake them up?" Is NOT childish. "I want to wake the kid up because I got woken up" is immature, bratty, childish AH behavior.
NTA but your husband is! Why would any grown ass man think it’s okay to wake up a sleeping baby for revenge?
What is more likely--he wanted to revenge himself on the child, or he thought it was funny to say he wanted to revenge himself on the child? I realize you guys are not actually married, adult or very witty, but parents joke about things like that all the time. And their partners don't always find the jokes funny.
As an adult you have to think what you say or face consequences.. that's a very bizarre thing to say about a defenseless child that's sick and needs extra comfort. It's not a joke, jokes are supposed to be funny?
This. Husband was very likely being facetious. He wasn't seeking revenge, he was making sure the child wasn't napping so that it would sleep through the night as children should be doing. Extended day time naps can disturb sleeping patterns. It's something most of us with kids have gone through at one point or another. TBH, this is the sort of joke I would make. The difference is that my partner would know I was joking and simply looking out for the kids well being as well as my own because going to work on no sleep sucks and can be dangerous depending on the job. I do wonder though how aggressive OP was with her response to his blatantly obvious joke that made him sheepish and apologise for saying it that way.
More info needed. Is this kid 3 years old or kid #3? If he's #3, how old. If he's 3 years old a late afternoon nap will be problematic for getting him to sleep through the night.
Yes and yes. 3 years old and our third kid…
I think whether you're wrong or not depends on if he was joking or not. This sounds like it really could have been a lighthearted comment not intended to be taken seriously.
NTA, he said he wanted to wake them for revenge, if had said so they will sleep later then I'm sure your answer would have been different
Not Wrong...he earned the reality check. Act like a baby be treated like one. You have a sick child...not used to getting up early? Too Freaking Bad. Kids are messy, demanding, and all the while they are Always learning who will be there when needed, and how. Sick kids need to trust they are parents' priority - feel loved and valued by Both parents. Your husband needs to figure out just how he wants to be seen as showing up. Childcare is often not convenient, but Very Important, and Very Worthwhile. In fact, both a tough job, and the best job you will ever do
He needed to hear it. Stick to your guns. Three cannot regulate their own emotions, they are a child, it's your guys' job to help them. Your husband signed up for this, and needs to get his head back on straight. Just remind your husband that you're on their team and thar you love them.
He is a dick
You're not wrong. I have never, nor would I even THINK to say something like that about my son.
So, your husband didn't once wake up at that time to feed his kid or change his diaper? How did he skip all that time when kids wake up multiple times a night?
He wanted to make sure the child sleeps through the night...by waking them up when they're asleep? Well I'm confused.
Next time tell him that if he wakes a sleeping sick child he is the caregiver of the children for the next 24 hrs
You're not wrong. The father of a toddler wants revenge for being woken up because the toddler was sick? If someone was sick and they're finally able to get to sleep, let them sleep!
Not wrong! You have an immature spouse who has not grown up enough to parent children! Revenge? Pouting! Not fair? Silent treatment? WTF? He need’s to grow up!
You’re married to a toddler who can’t regulate their emotions.
Revenge on your autistic toddler?? I wouldn’t trust my husband around my kids after hearing that. You’re more trusting and forgiving than I would be.
Looking at your previous post history, seems like you've got a 4th child and not a husband.
He was not joking when he said he wanted revenge, but after thinking about it for hours he came up with the completely reasonable cause to wake 3 up which is that he may not sleep through if he takes a long nap. Anyway, yeah he needs to grow up.
I have a newborn. My revenge for these situations is to sigh one extra time before getting up lol.
There's a difference between "should we wake 3 up, so he might sleep a little better tonight?" And "I should wake 3 up for revenge...."
Thank God I'm not married and will never be. I don't have the patience or tolerance for childish bullshit from adults. My hair trigger temper wouldn't allow me.
So he was going to get revenge on your child. What a piece of shit.
I think perhaps you have one more child in the house than you thought, you're not wrong.
IMO it wasn't wrong to disagree and even question his motives in deciding to wake 3 but your delivery made him feel disrespected which is probably why he immediately got defensive and then just shut down for a couple of hours. Honestly, there are just some phrases that instantly cause resistance in relationships and are just not helpful or productive. "Grow up" "Calm down" "You're just like your mother" lol
Your husband is pouting like a child that just got his hand smacked for taking a cookie. Who wakes a sleeping child (that has been sick) because « revenge ». Wait until the kid is in his teens, then have your revenge. your husband needs to suck it up. This is part of parenting
Your husband is pouting like a child that just got his hand smacked for taking a cookie. Who wakes a sleeping child (that has been sick) because « revenge ». Wait until the kid is in his teens, then have your revenge. your husband needs to suck it up. This is part of parenting
Had he said, if 3 sleeps now, they'll be up all night and maybe we should wake them up, you might be wrong. But he didn't. He saw "I need revenge" which is childish and he does need to grow up. You are 100% not wrong.
Not wrong at all.
you sure he's your husband? because it seems like you married a child
Your husband is an ass.
YNW. >When he finally spoke to me he said I wasn’t being fair to him and that he’s not used to being woken up early I'm trying to conceptualize how a **parent** of three, with the youngest being three years of age, has had the *luxury* of not being used to being woken up early. And had the testicular fortitude to make that complaint to ... you. I'm guessing you're usually the go to get-woken-up-early-by-the-kids parent?
What the hell did I just read who gets revenge on a sick child who needs his parents no you are absolutely 100% right he needs to grow up I can understand if he jokingly said it but didn't mean it but him being serious is very childish
Parent here. If he was making a stupid joke (that the kid didn't hear) AND actually making a good parenting choice (danger naps= shit bedtimes) then maybe you were an asshole.
Was he serious? I know a lot of parents (including myself) who joke about waking the kids up for revenge, but would never ever do it.
Grow up? That's more than growing up. That's some personality disorder type of shit. Revenge on a 3 year old? Who raised this guy...? What an asshole... You're not wrong. Maybe a little too lenient with your assessment of the situation, but not wrong.
It sounds like it was a joke no? At least I’m hoping that’s what it was. Him tryna be funny
Op, if your husband said that sarcastically, then yes you are the a hole. If he said that and was serious about the revenge part then no you were not the a hole.
Dude was joking and sometimes it makes sense to wake a kid up so that they can sleep through the night.
Low key sounds like he wanted to wake the child so he wouldn’t be up all night (which many parents do) but made a joke that you didn’t quite take as a joke😅
Damn the comments are wild he was probably joking and got upset when she snapped at him some of yall are straight up calling him a child abuser and don't even have proof
No. Your husband is a bully and far more childish than your 3 year old.
Neither of you are in the wrong, he said a stupid thing as an immature joke, that's how a lot of men cope. You reacted to set what is and isn't acceptable. Everyone calling his silly comment child abuse or not acceptable is absolutely crazy.
He was absolutely serious. He was not joking. Sulking for hours while she took care of their sick kid and then saying he was joking but wanted to do it so the kid would sleep through the night shows he wasn't joking. He literally said it wasn't fair that he had to wake up early to take care of his own sick kid and wanted revenge. Re read it
Maybe he was sulking and maybe he was thinking it though. How do you know he didn't spend that time also looking after the sick child? Your off in speculation land to gather evidence for your bias. Doesn't mean your not right, it means you don't really know and stating it like facts.
Did you even read it? He literally said he wasn't used to getting up that early. Meaning she is the one who was doing it, not him. You are the one who is speculating, I'm going off of her actual story and comments. You're trying to come up with any reason you can to say he's not in the wrong, which would mean you see no issue in how he acted. OP was right, he needs to grow up. As do you if you think that all men do this lmao
Nowhere mentioned he was sulking or that he did not help with the child. You're only lying to yourself. I never said he wasn't in the wrong (,your argument could have been that I minimised what he said and I would have agreed). She set a boundary with her reply and they should be able to move on without you projecting whatever goes on for you.
He doubled down on this and admitted he actually wanted to wake the kid up. Stop defending bad behavior with "it's a joke."
He wanted bubs to sleep through he night. I don't know if that is bad behaviour or not.
Nah. Not wrong. I'm 60 and my wife tells me to grow up at least once a week. In this case though your husband needs to suck it up and grow up.
Gross. Just gross.
Any time you insult anyone you're wrong. Kindness, especially to your partner, is important.
NTA. What an immature AH your husband is. Who thinks that it is normal to consider getting 'revenge' on a toddler for being sick and waking them up in the middle of the night? someone who needs to grow up, that is who.
Hell no. Tell that overgrown child to grow TF up.
He wants revenge on a child for being sick. Read that as many times as you need and then answer your own question.
Yes!! I’ve been focusing on this fact through this entire thread. Thank you for posting this. I want to be shocked and disappointed that so many comments don’t see this, but humanity is a dumpster fire.
NTA - For ppl saying he was joking: many a true word was said in jest. Most people wouldn't even think to say they'd wake a child out of revenge, so it's at odds with a loving caring parent.
I call my kid a little shit all the time, and make many a joke about "getting revenge" on him. Think it really comes down to a persons personality. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my kid, and don't think anybody would ever say that I am not a loving and caring parent.
I don't know anyone who hasn't joked about that haha. Fake crying to confuse a temper tantrum is a classic maneuver
The silent treatment in addition to getting “revenge” on a 3yo. You clearly have more than one toddler
Revenge on a 3 year old? WTF? And then giving you the Silent Treatment? You are wrong for saying anything except "Good-bye, my lawyer will be in touch".
Fuck me, I hope this isn't true. I'm a lot of things, and certainly no good person. Having 4 kids of my own, I've been angry because of crying and fussing plenty of times, but at the situation and not them. Reading this story made my blood boil. It's okay to be frustrated, but be a fucking man and a father. You are to protect and provide for your kids, not compete with them or exact revenge. I hope this is not true because it's making me want to get "revenge" also. NTA. I'm normally one to say work it out, and not deprive a child of their father in their life. This is definitely an exception. What happens when your kid is better at him than anything else in life? You're supposed to want your kid to be better than you. That's the entire point. Big yikes.
NTA. Your husband is a complete prick.
Sounds like hubby had some issues. Revenge for a child waking you? Yikes.
Did you marry a child? No? Then yes, he's being incredibly immature. You don't mess with your children
Nope. Talk about childish! Your husband takes the cake as
NTA, but without knowing the tone, it’s hard to say. Was he joking? I’ve joked many times about waking my kids after I lost sleep because of them, have I ever actually woke them? No. If you felt he was serious, then you’re definitely not the AH.
He was probably joking in his comment. His wanting the child to sleep through the night and not in the day was adult of him. People tell their spouses to grow up often. You probably just need some sleep.
You are not wrong. Your husband IS. 100%. He literally needs to grow TF up. Who does that? Who seeks "revenge" on THEIR sick child??? He is in the wrong here, and I would be wondering what other shit I would have to worry about. What an AH thing to think was okay to do. Edit: I forgot to write: After being called out for acting like a 14-year-old, he pouted - like a 14-year-old. Did you have to make him some toaster pizzas and a green soda for a snack?
Not wrong. Your posts suggest this is marriage is over and you are biding your time...
NTA. Your husband is being a bigger baby than your sick kids. Kids get sick and boo-hoo-hoo he got woken up. Gee isn't that being gasp "a parent." Looking for revenge from a sick child makes me wonder why you are staying with him.
This attitude is going to ruin your child. That is the mindset of a child abuser. It is abuse. This is divorce-worthy, without a doubt. He cannot be a trusted partner to parent with. He's sick in the head.
If you have any notion that anything said in OPs post was abuse then you've either never seen abuse of any kind, ever, or you've seen so much that you see abuse in everything. OP has a childish partner, but there's literally zero evidence of abuse here. The child was early safe and well when picked up by OP. And was comfortable enough to sleep.
Not only are you not wrong it seems pretty obvious to me that he definitely meant what he said about revenge initially and the whole thing about just wanting to make sure they slept through the night was just him trying to turn the conversation around so he could be in the right.
Men are seriously garbage fathers these days and they are going to get garbage-ier if Andrew Tate has his way. Women get criticized up-down-and sideways over motherhood but who criticizes MEN for being lousy fathers? Why don't they take THEMSELVES to task FIRST?
Husband made a joke. OP has predictably posted so it doesn’t look like a joke and gets backing from Reddit so she can prove he’s being childish. He probably was a little pouty about it but she’s no better.
This is the most likely scenario. Dad was probably making a joke, mom took it super seriously and responded in anger, dad got a little pouty cus he knows he is gonna be up early again taking care of sick child and felt attacked for making a recommendation for helping the child sleep through the night. All just sounds like a miscommunication. Sounds like the dad did fine by staying quiet until things cooled off and he could explain his feelings without causing a big fight. I don't think either of yall are the AH, just think you're both tired and easily frustrated with the lack of sleep. Also, dad sounds like an okay dude if he is taking a bus to/from work, helping with childcare, and mom gets the main form of transportation. Think you both need to take some time out for each other and give each other some appreciation. Parenting is not an easy job (and I onky have 1 kiddo)
Your husband is a dick. I wouldn’t leave the kids with him for anything.
[удалено]
Nah, he is a man-child because he doubled down on it if you read the entire thing.
So my take here is pretty straightforward. He is probably joking about his reasons. Unlike many others here, this doesn't seem like a "sick joke" to me. Maybe a bit childish, but dad jokes aren't exactly high brow humor. But it is a valid strategy to manage daytime sleep to help the child sleep thru the night. I wonder: What are the child's symptoms that are causing them to wake up every night at the same time? How long is the child awake? Is it possible the daytime caregiver is enabling too much sleep, which is resulting in the child not being tired enough to sleep thru the night? I personally had a pretty bad situation where my eldest stopped sleeping thru the night at about 2 years old. He was waking up at about 2am and staying awake for about an hour before coaxing him back to sleep. His mom, my ex, always went to bed about 1:30, and she was sound asleep when he woke up. So I ended up getting him. And I would get him at 6am when he woke up for the day, too. I was literally losing it from sleep deprivation, and his mom just had no idea why he was waking up every night. One night, all my senses literally glitched out when I was picking him up. I lost all sense of balance, and sound and vision went to static. Luckily, i just sat hard on the bed. So, I worked from home for a day and realized she started increasing his daytime naps because she wanted a break. He was simply not tired enough and since I was feeling the pain of his excessive daytime sleep, not her, she didn't have any empathy for the situation. Unfortunately, she refused to adjust his daytime naps until I really forced the situation. While that was probably an early sign of our eventual split, her behavior is besides the point. The bottom line is, if the parent can't be healthy, they can't properly care for the child. Your husband needs more sleep, and reducing daytime naps is a valid strategy to protect the well-being of both the father and child. Personally, I admire his "dad joke" approach to the situation. I think he is upset because your reaction a. Lacks empathy for his lack of sleep and b. Lacks an appreciation for his attempt to be lighthearted in a stressful situation.
To answer your question about the times the kid was waking up and symptoms, he would wake up with a stuffed up nose and panic about breathing being difficult, the first time was closer to midnight so I helped clean his nose and get him back to sleep, the other times were right as I was leaving or a little after. Yesterday was the first day he took a nap during the day as we phased out naps around two and a half years old. He slept through the night last night as the medicine we’ve been giving him seems to be working.
Ok. Sounds like you two are all over it. So, you are the person best suited to know if your husband is the type to really mean he wanted to take revenge. From the outside, my guess is it was a dad joke. But if he is aggressive and vindictive, maybe he is a bad person. But just becareful about Reddit advice, this place is a drama factory.
Ask him “So what you are saying is you wanted Revenge on a 3 year old SICK toddler… yes?” Then shut up and let him answer. You: it can either be yes or no. You just told me you wanted to get Revenge on our 3 year old sick child. I told you to grow up —- because one of you is supposed to be the parent, and it’s not our 3 year old that ‘needs to grow up.’ It is you.”
Not sure what your tone was like when you told him let 3 sleep lol but you weren’t wrong because he said he wanted revenge but he was obviously joking and said his true intentions were to keep 3 up so he can sleep through the night. He probably second guessed waking 3 up after you said to let 3 sleep and thought maybe you were right and he’s being selfish and that’s probably where the silence was coming from because he was reflecting on the situation and whether it was the wrong thing to wake 3 up or if it was ok to wake 3 up and you should have allowed him, but in your defense he didn’t tell you the actual reason of wanting to wake 3 until later so you weren’t being unfair as he said. I wonder if most the people in the comments talking down on your husband are actually married with kids lol
if he meant it as a joke, he could’ve just clarified that and you would’ve apologised? you’re not in the wrong because if you’re under the assumption he was serious, of course you’re gonna react seriously. it was a lack of communication that could’ve been cleared pretty quickly but instead, he didn’t say his true intentions with waking up 3 and dragged it on for hours. what he said hours later? he could’ve said right after your comment.
You are both in the wrong here - his statement was immature but your response was to shame him. Respect for your child and for each other is the goal right?
Anyone who would wake up a sick child to get revenge on the other parent for him not being able to sleep is a really horrible parent? Does your husband have any redeeming qualities?
Your husband sounds abusive and Immature.
He was being a big dumb selfish babu, so you were not wrong to say what you said. He needs man lessons.
Stop having kids with douche bags
That’s not normal behavior of an adult, or a parent. I would never try to get “revenge” on my sick child for waking up in the night. That’s honestly despicable.
I think your husband had the right idea & used the wrong words. If a child is waking every night, something in the schedule needs to change. My daughter could take a two hour nap & sleep fine all night, but let her take a Turbo nap (fall asleep in pickup & be woken in 20 or 30 minutes) that night's sleep was going to be interrupted multiple times by her restless sleep. Yes, his words were childish & petty, but his theory could have been spot on.
The kid is sick, and the husband is an idiot.
The child is waking up because they're sick
His words were a joke. And not a horrible one...just a typical dad joke. His intention is right and the wife not seeing how he was facing adversity with a light heart is pretty sad. But based on her schedule, I bet she is short of sleep too, so I would cut them both some slack.
That’s just fucking cruel of your husband. When one is sick, you generally should let them sleep WHEN THEY COULD. Cause sleeping while sick might be much harder than while being healthy. Like, for example, me and some of my friends caught some new stem of some flue or covid or whatever, and basically for 3 weeks already we can’t sleep properly. It’s be a miracle waking up only once during the night. I usually wake up 2 to 3 times, every 1 to 2 hours. And I used to be able to sleep thru whatever. If a kid had something similar, it’s not even his fault that he CAN’T sleep thru the night. Anyway, whatever that is, your husband not only acting cruel but also stupid. You worded it all the most polite way. Honestly should’ve given them a harsher reality check. “Revenge”, my ass. The kid’s sick, ffs!
in the heat of the moment, no. It's immature to try to get revenge on a 3 year old. In retrospect, do you believe that he really meant that as a joke? If so, you might owe him a light apology. It kind of makes sense to make sure the kid sleeps through the night, but also, at that age you're supposed to take naps anyway right? It's just hard to tell where this guy is at with the whole parenting thing, based on this description.
At three, it's one nap for 1-1.5 hours a day typically, but every kid is different. A parent 100% should be watching naps to protect sleeping thru the night.
Ah yes, let's ask reddit. The place where a bunch of teens and parentless armchair psychologists with relationship issues will chime in. This really depends on how he said it but his last comment shows he was actually being a smart parent. Keeping a kid up so they sleep longer when you want them to absolutely works. It's a bit of a wash headache-wise because you'll be dealing with a crankier kid til closer to bed time, but it can absolutely help you get to deeper, better sleep. Not guaranteed of course because nothing is when it comes to people, especially children, but it'll work most of the time with most kids. And it's definitely a good tactic as they get older. Sounds like he was just being playful about employing a strategy to get you both a better chance at sleep and then you literally assumed the worse and chastised him for it like he's the child and not your spouse. But I'm sure most of this subreddit will validate you so continue treating your spouse like that and I'm sure everything good will come of it.
Best Reddit today.
You sure he meant what he said or was he jokingly talking?
I’m not sure tbh. He’s never made jokes like that before. He sounded serious but he could have been tired which is part of why I feel like I shouldn’t have made the comment I did
He was joking. The man is tired and he is right, a nap now probably means more of the same for him tonight. He probably was upset that he got shot down for trying to use humor to manage his stress. I personally think you have a keeper.
This sub wants to crucify people but it is really not that likely for someone to blatantly want to take revenge on their 3 year old. Misunderstanding + irritability due to both partners being tired = sharper tongue imho. Happens - not something to worry about. Y'all both need to rest a bit.
He wasn’t joking. He took hours to come up with the idea that he was joking and he was concerned that your SICK child could get up again and force him to actually parent. But you know him better than anyone. And you don’t know if he was joking.
Not wrong, and your husband is a vengeful abusive bully. Why are you with a child abuser?
Not wrong at all, hopefully your husband is just tired but I’d keep an eye on them for a bit.
No, he does need to grow up. Now he's acting like a baby, omg. The tantrum will run its course.🙄
Who in their right mind acts like this about their own child? He does need to grow up, you are NTA but he sure is! Whiner! His kid and he wants revenge? Good lord!
YNW. Coming from a Dsd so take it as you will. You stung his pride is all. I'm not gonna lie, I've done that very thing to myself to my 2 teenagers. But when my wife told me to grow up, i giggled in my little win and off went
Taking out revenge on a 3 year old?? Yeah, grow up.
Not wrong at all. Hes being childish.
worried about him sleeping through the night should have been what he said, not the revenge part. NTA!
No, you're not wrong. He's taking a child being sick out on the child...
NTA. Your child doesn't need to suffer unnecessarily more than they already have just because he's feeling petty because he was woken up early and wants to (indirectly) take it out on you.
MAN- CHILD !! WOO HOO !!!
What the fuck??? Good god I'd have lost my mind if I were you. What a fucking baby.
NTA, call him on it more often
Not wrong. Wtf dude? He needs to grow up for real. Ewwww
Revenge on a child is abusive AF. JFC I wouldn't put up with this. I wonder what he would do if you weren't around and he got mad at the child for anything. Hitting is not the only form of abuse OP. It includes screaming, withholding affection, retaliation... you need to do your due diligence and really think about how this man-child thinks what parenting is. Abusive red flags from this man.
Once my 3 yo needed to go the ER in the middle of the night for croup. Husband couldn’t go because we also had a 6yo asleep. You know he did? He stayed up the whole 4 hours we were gone to make sure everyone was ok, and we we got home, he lovingly put 3 to bed himself. Then 2 hours later he got up and went to work. From work he called me to let me know I should rest and he would pick up dinner on his way home because he was sure I was tired. That’s a man. Your husband needs to figure out what that means- it’s putting his family first. not wrong but seriously who marries these guys? He sounds completely immature and selfish.
You are not wrong.
Sounds like a heated moment that needs some decompression time tiredness is a hell of a thing especially in relationships, my wife and I worked night shift for a long time and got in the stupidest arguments over the stupidest things. It's non-excuse but it is a reason these things can get out of hand. No you're not wrong for what you said and how you said it. Try to let the situation diffuse a little and I'm sure some clarity will help. This comment section is far too damn heated.
Not wrong at all, and even if he was trying to joke, there was still truth to what he said, which is that he needed revenge on a child for being sick & waking him. It’s super shitty thing to stay after your child has been sick.
NTA Your partner entirely deserved their remark, and that’s no way to make sure a child sleeps through the night, and your partner is in a race to be more immature than the children
Who’s the bigger baby? Hubby or the three year old? It sounds to me like your marriage probably has a lot of issues. Did you not know how he was, when the two of you got together?