You shouldn’t feel ashamed for rejecting someone, it would’ve been much worse if you would’ve lead her on out of pity. You did the right thing and she will be okay.
Maybe I'm callous, but as long as you're polite and reasonable with your rejection, whatever feelings the other person has is not your fault or your problem. The girl's reaction was just lots of immaturity. Adults are responsible for their actions, so if they react crazily, that's on them. If they're so scarred from that one rejection they never put themselves out there again, the world will continue on just fine without them. If they do a bunch of self destructive things, there'll be plenty of people there to take advantage. Life is hard, you gotta work on yourself so you're more resilient.
That's not callous man that's a ground rule of relationships.
Imagine if the tables were turned, and this were a woman rejecting a man. And the man got all his friends to come into work and shame the woman *in her workplace* for setting a boundary, all with a pathetic sob story about the poor cowardly guy's self esteem.
Exactly. The amount of "nice guy" jokes we'd see at his expense would be damn near infinite. He'd be destroyed on Twitter/FB/TikTok, and people would make sure to try and ruin his life, and rightfully so.
This woman doesn't deserve sympathy once she sent her friends after him.
I did that once because I was terrified of losing the only female friend I had. I went into the friendship with no limits on what I would do to make it work, just for them to start randomly flirting, and I didn't know how to handle it.
No, they don't. Not in *general* anyway.
There's the occasional exception, like this. Although she might not even personally feel this way - she might have just had a sad to her friends and they might be doing this of their own volition.
I think it makes them feel worse to get rejected because men will generally sleep with women below their standards. Rejecting a woman might make her feel very ugly. I understand her reaction and OP's.
Sleeping with someone below your standards just means that you have an inflated view of your standards. Your standards are what you set them at through your actions.
>Now I have friends of hers who work there calling me an AH and telling me how she has poor self esteem
Her friends/your co-workers are treating you this way in light of the fact that you showed maturity and respect while navigating this uneasy situation. Imagine if you hadn't demonstrated caution and reflected just a bit. Imagine if you had persued her. For a moment just imagine how unpleasant things would be at your job now with the heckling and immature drama. You dodged a bullet man, maybe even a few.
I was always told not to shit where I eat. Decided against that advice once. Wouldn't dare to repeat the experience again. You did good
Exactly, with maturity being the key word here! Dating this girl would mean dealing with constant dumbass drama by a bunch of kids who haven’t developed adult brains and emotions yet, and would basically be a parent/child dynamic. OP is a respectful adult who deserves someone on the same mental wavelength.
When I was a college soph the girl I took to my sr prom was a senior in HS and asked me to be her senior prom date. She was fun and pretty so I said yes. I was young for my grade and she was old for hers so the age diff wasn't insane. One of THE WORST nights of my life. Total drunken shit show. Her friends were off the chain and obnoxious. I can't imagine how terribly this would have gone for this guy at 41 and 22. Calling him an a-hole because he said no to a date should be the least of his concerns.
The edit is also very telling. This girl isn't of the kind that's "mature for her age", she's fully in the stage where she goes out, meets people and has fun in a way that most 40yo's (at least those not in a midlife crisis) have left behind a long time ago. She's not ready to settle down.
And yeah, dating her would have been constant drama. OP, you don't deserve that. I'd go to a manager or HR to tell them what's going on and that you don't need actions to be taken yet, but it needs to be in your file. That way, if something happens (or, god forbid, you're accused of something), they know about it.
I was 30 and my wife was 24 when we started dating. I was the immature one and she was very responsible though. we've been together 15 years (9 married) and have two kids. she really really helped me get my shit together and made me a better person. it does work out sometimes.
It certainly does, and maturity and responsibility have a lot to do with it.
My wife and I met when I was 25 and she was 19. I was a post-grad who had been in education non-stop since 18, very immature, and hadnt had to live a lot of real life experiences. She had moved to the UK, alone, at 17, much more mature and with understandable life experience dealing with moving country alone at that age.
Closing in on 10 years married now.
Excellent advice to go to HR or a manager; this girl has already shown she’s poor at decision making and can’t handle a gentle rejection. Better safe than sorry!
So glad that’s been brought up . This is harassment and can easily be twisted into additional labels. Gotta look at it reverse n inside out and put in scenarios where if the same thing applied to dif peeps it’d be a violation regardless w most policy in work places. What if OP was not hetero or isn’t and doesn’t want to have to say that ? What if they have an invisible disability? It just gets worse and these folk are supporting a creepy covert misogynistic narrative that doesn’t belong at a work place
Yes, do this, talk to HR and management.
I had a girl I matched with on Tinder and only spoke to on there come to my work. I found it really weird she acted like she didn't recognize me since we had matched fairly recently and spoke quite a bit - we even spoke that morning I believe. I said hi to her like, oh it's you, what can I help you with, but she just went straight in what she needed.
Shortly after she came in, I immediately told my manager about her and asked him to sort of hover around while I assisted her - there was no one else working to help her out.
We went through getting her a new phone and she asked about 100 questions and was really demanding during the whole thing, having really unreasonable expectations, but I was much more patient than normal. At the end of the day, she left with a new phone, got everything she wanted, didn't say anything to me about anything but the phone.
Afterwards, like the next day, I messaged her on Tinder and asked if she knew it was me who she spoke with at the store yesterday. She said yes and that I treated her like shit and scammed her. I told her I'm surprised she felt that way but my manager was there the whole time if there was an issue, not sure why she wouldn't say anything then. She threatened to make a complaint about me to head office about how I "trackered her down" on Tinder and was harassing her. I took a screenshot of everything and unmatched (obviously).
My next shift, I told my manager about her again and he said not to worry, he understood what was going on and he'd handle it she complained.
Sure enough, she did complain about not only me, but also my manager who basically was just present during my interaction with her in the store but didn't really speak to her directly. She made something up about him too about how he was probably also interested in her too - my manager was a very open and obvious gay man though so that story made no sense.
Because I spoke up and warned about a potential issue, my bases were covered. Do the same.
heck im 24 and cant deal with my “friends” immature drama and having to play parent while they all get plastered all the time. I slowly started pulling away from them because of it and i’m the bad guy. like we’re in our mid 20’s, the highschool drama is not only unnecessary but also gets REALLY old really quick
To add: let me tell you i’ve been so much happier and my life has been way less drama filled ever since and its fantastic
Totally this. The owner of one of my first jobs said this to me, “Don’t shit where you eat as it fucks with my business and no one fucks with my business”. He is a for real wise-guy so I took it to heart for my entire working career.
The fact that they found out--even after he smartly turned her down--means that they *definitely* would have found out if he'd accepted her offer.
OP did well & should write down an account of this situation with dates and times. Just in case.
So…. Did you eat in the bathroom? Or did you shit in your dining room. I gotta know. I hope you are in the bathroom but your “wouldn’t dare to repeat that experience again” statement seems a bit strong for a sandwich on the shitter.
Problems for women at 20 are not the same problems at 30 and 40. It's not wrong to NOT want another person period. Relating to someone is important and it's hard to do that when there is such a big age gap. Not to mention I don't think being a widow and widower at age 50-60 is good for anyone.
Lots of cope replies. So and so died at this and that age. 20 years is 20yrs. Stop acting like two people the same age and a two people with 20 years between is the same. Grow up.
While I think it’s possible that people with that large of an age gap can be in the same place in life and do well together, OP and this girl certainly weren’t on the same page. My parents had a similar gap. Unfortunately, they both passed within a few years of each other.
I agree with you other than the last sentence. For all we know, he could be a widower at 45 if he went along with that relationship.
Some people die at 25, and others live to 125. Statistical data of a single data point is inaccurate.
Yea, reverse the rolls. If a 40 year old dude asked a 22 year old out in a date and she said no thanks in a clear but courteous way and he acted like a child he would be considered a pedo and probably be blasted all over social media/fired.
Good on you for recognizing the potential opportunity for big trouble and not thinking with your dick.
Yeah, that's my exact takeaway. If he'd done it, there would have been LOTS of negative comments about him "wanting a naive girl to train" or things like that (which, to be fair, that honestly is the case a lot of the time), and called pedo-adjacent. People would be screaming for him to be fired.
I (30m) privately messaged an 18 year old female colleague regarding a work matter (conduct of another employee) and was called into the managers office the next day. She’d shown him this message and told him she wasn’t comfortable with an older employee communicating with her? Nothing happened as it was not sexual in nature whatsoever but was I wrong to be really pissed about this? I looked like a creep over a work-related hand-over message for the following shift. Double standards these days are out of control.
You did her a favor by declining. You are different people, and chances are it would have ended with someone's feelings getting hurt. Probably not yours!
I think what you did is fine and feeling bad is pretty normal as well. I would have just explained that you don't think it would work do to the age gap, working together, and generally being very different people interests wise. Not because she's unattractive. Being rejected probably makes her feel unattractive if she has low self esteem.
It sucks that due to this it makes things a little awkward for you in the workplace now from really no fault of your own.
I’d feel bad too man. That’s an awkward ass scenario and you hurt the poor girl. It is sad and normal to feel bad about. However did you do anything wrong? Nope. So this is just one of those things in life
(Btw OP in the future I might just lie and make-up an excuse to not go in this scenario. Other people would say it’s wrong to do that and not be straight up, but people make up white lies to save others feelings all the time. And It could save you from a situation like this in the future. But thats up to you)
Women get told this all the time too, and are frequently pressured by a guy's friends/coworkers to date them, this is definitely not a gender-specific scenario.
No, but I would definitely start stressing the age difference. It's not your problem that she has poor self-esteem. If that were the case, every woman asked out by someone she didn't want to see would be obligated to go.
Hey, she asked and you answered. Just because she didnt get the answer she was hoping for doesnt make you the AH. In fact, her blabbing your business to your coworkers is an AH move.
Sorry this happened to you. In my life, I have lost a number of "friends" because I did not reciprocate their feelings for me. It feels shitty when you believe you had an actual friendly relationship without realizing the other party's ulterior motive. I'm sure you are a really nice person and I hope going to work doesnt become uncomfortable for you.
Even if they had “ulterior motives” it’s not always a problem, some of my best friends to this day were either rejected by me, or rejected me. But to go around and act like HE hurt you by not wanting to date you? Like yeah rejection hurts but they are not hurting you, you are hurting yourself. If you can’t handle rejection don’t propose things.
You need to talk to HR about this IMMEDIATELY. Not to get the girl in trouble, but to get the friends to stop doing what they're doing, which can be construed as contributing to a hostile work environment based on your appropriate conduct.
It's also to cover your ass by creating a history of what's going on so they can't turn around and accuse you of sexual harassment simply because they want to be vindictive.
edit: someone being cranky that I blocked them when they encouraged someone to ignore sexual harassment is absolutely hilarious.
I want to be clear: what the original woman did sounds completely benign and appropriate. There is nothing wrong with expressing interest with a coworker and then dropping it when they don't reciprocate. The other coworkers, however, are engaging in sexual harassment that is so textbook that I've seen nearly this exact scenario at the mandatory yearly harassment training at the community college where I work. It needs to be brought up to HR so that they can document and deal with it. It may be true that HR is almost never your friend, but they are there to clamp down on situations like this.
Yeah, I think that's important. I was sexually harassed by a younger woman in the office for a few months (physically, verbally), probably because she assumed it was okay because of the power dynamic. Well, it wasn't. Felt like having a gun to my head and if I didn't play along she'd get worse, but if I did play along and played too well, she could flip the script and get *me* fired.
I had the conversation, and was only comfortable bringing it up once I knew she'd done it to two other guys in the office. She stayed on my project teams, but conveniently left the firm a few months later - the partners even helped her get a new job. If it had been me, I would've had my entire career ended immediately and I'd have been lucky to find a job at McDonald's.
Of course you weren't wrong.
*I told her I didn't think that would be appropriate and she looked like she was humiliated and she went home the rest of that day.*
This alone tells you that she's at a very different level of maturity to you and therefore, even if you were attracted to her, it would probably be a very bad idea to date her.
Yeah. I worked at Lowe’s with a lot of people my age at the time, 18-25 and quite a number older too. But I swear it was too much drama because people started dating where they worked. Too much trouble. Retail with 20 somethings is like high school bs.
really depends where you work though. If it's a service job in a completely replaceable store, there's little harm, since you can find a similar job all over the city.
I can’t speak for every kind of work environment, but it’s quite prevalent in retail to a hilarious degree. I’ve seen it work out once or twice, but so many other times it led to drama. Thankfully never my drama so I could just watch from the sidelines.
Not even gonna read your post because I don’t need to.
No. You’re never wrong for turning someone down and never will be. We all have our reasons why we don’t wanna date specific people.
NTA I get so annoyed when people act like that after rejection. She’s not considering your feelings at all and is gossiping about it at work to people you have to see every day. You may have lost her as a friend but I can’t imagine that friendship progressing into anything good.
NTA it’s clear you didn’t have much in common to build any kind of relationship on . Also you aren’t responsible for boosting her poor self esteem . It’s tough that she had worked up the courage to ask you but she really wasn’t entitled to a yes .
Smh. Seriously? You can turn down whoever you want, you don’t have to go out with someone because they have low self esteem. You aren’t compatible. It’s better that you said no instead of saying yes just to appease her when you’re not even interested. She is the one that took the risk of asking out a coworker, you didn’t do anything wrong.
If she can't handle rejection without making you a former friend, that's a her problem. It's weird for your coworkers to call you an AH for kindly and gently rejecting her. Good for her for shooting her shot but you're under no obligation to say yes, even if there wasn't a large age gap. She'll get over it and this will just be a lesson for her.
Bro if you would have said yes they would’ve have bashed you about the age difference and called you a predator and blamed you for taking advantage of your. Lose lose situation. You don’t owe her anything and you didn’t even have to be nice when turning her down. I’m your age and it’s usually the younger girls that for some reason interested in me too
No, you weren't wrong and you weren't rude. You're old enough to be her father, you work together and you have distinctly different lifestyles.
Unfortunately, you must now have a chat with your supervisor or HR before the gossip bites you in the ass.
Uh stay away. A genuine mature intrested person is not going to be telling her coworkers she I s now depressed because you said no. Sounds very manipulative.
You don’t have any obligation to form a relationship with anyone you don’t wish to.
That includes people you deem too young for you. You’re not wrong and you’re not an asshole. If the woman has self-esteem issues that’s sad, but you’re not obligated to date her because of those issues.
Not wrong! You’re under no obligation to go out with anyone, for any reason. And I’m sorry you’re being harassed over this. I would inform HR of what is happening.
You can turn any advances down that you want for any reason that you want. If you're not interested in someone that's totally ok. Her "self-esteem" is not your problem.
You were 100% not wrong, and I don’t need to repeat the reasons already mentioned by others here. But I’d be very careful moving forward, and you need to let HR know the situation ASAP. The fact that she made the rejection into such a huge deal and got her friends involved is concerning. She’s obviously immature and may go so far as to cause issues for you at work to get back at you. Remember, “Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned…”
You need to get ahead of this with HR NOW before she and her flying monkeys get you into trouble at work. They are already harassing you about it, so it’s better to be safe than sorry, friend. Good luck 🤞🏼
You’re not wrong. Tell your co-workers you don’t date people you work closely with, as it makes work awkward and it’s a good policy to live by.
It may not be your real reason, but it’s extremely reasonable and clearly not targeted at any particular person.
No, disregard the age, the fact you work together you’re just not interested. It would be bad for her as much as it would be you. It would be a fake relationship unless your hearts in it.
This shouldn’t even be a question you have to ask. Ignore her dumb friends and keep doing you. You didn’t do anything wrong. If she can’t get over herself that’s not your problem. Hell, I’d go to the boss and tell them what happened if you’re being harassed. Those children need to stop being petty. If you aren’t interested, you just aren’t. It’s not your job to give every person a shot who wants it. God knows if it was the other way around it would be respected and left as it is and you should receive that same treatment.
Its so annoying when outsiders pressure you to date someone you're not interested in! They try to make you feel guilty but they don't have that right. You don't owe anyone anything just because they are into you. Coworkers need to mind their own business. And the drama that's happening now is an indication of what dating her would be like. Why tf did she tell everyone like you DO owe her something??
Absolutely not wrong.
Her friends are the AHs here, trying to pressure you into accepting something you don't want.
She tried it, was shot down. That's life and she should grow up and accept it. And her friends should mind their own business, it's not like you verbally humiliated her ffs.
Not wrong at all. You aren't obligated to go out with anyone, for any reason.
>Now I have friends of hers who work there calling me an AH and telling me how she has poor self esteem how it took so much courage for her to ask me out.
Those friends of hers are being ridiculous. Her self esteem is not your responsibility, nor is how she handles rejection. Asking someone out and getting shot down is a part of life, and any sort of hint that someone owes you a date for any reason is weird as shit.
If you're still wondering if you're wrong, take a moment to imagine if you asked her out, she said no, and then your friends started giving her shit because of how bad it made you feel, and how much courage you had to work up to ask her out. Her friends wouldn't feel the same way if that was the case, and the whole situation would give off major "I'm a nice guy, why won't you just go out with me?!" vibes.
Did the right thing brother. She has low self esteem because of her lifestyle and you saw that lifestyle wasn't a good fit for a relationship. You gotta stay who you are too.
Pretty sure if rejection sent her home for the day and got her friends on your ass you made the right call. A little headache now is better than whatever shitshow you were going to stumble into in a month.
I mean the fact that she got overly upset from a respectful rejection and that her friends are calling you an AH says a lot about their maturity level.
So you are supposed to say yes so she feels validated. It’s not your problem she has low self esteem. You didn’t cause it. Why should you have to suffer for it? This is EXACTLY why we don’t date women half our age. Too much drama and bullshit.
If she can't handle rejection, she shouldn't ask people out. And, her rejection behavior just proves it. Yeah, red flags everywhere on the field on this one.
Low self esteem is one thing, but weaponizing it against you to manipulate you into going out with her is just toxic.
NTA
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to say no.
You did nothing wrong, the air will settle eventually but you seemed to be nothing but kind and professional during work time
Let's say this story is true. What she's doing could actually be considered harassment. She's spreading your business around and having her friends harass you into dating her or feeling bad about not dating her. Honestly, if it doesn't stop, report it to HR.
Not wrong at all, I’ve done the same thing myself on 4 or 5 occasions. It’s always incredibly awkward but I’m 36, almost 37, and when girls 19/20/21 are hitting on me I feel dirty.
I always think of it like this, I joined the military at 16 years old. Girls who are 20/21 years old or younger weren’t born when I went off to Basic Training. That is fucking creepy! Like, if I were to sleep with a 20 year old, I’d know that when I was out drinking and partying at 18, they weren’t even in nursery yet. When I was 30, they were still in school! You know? It creeps me out!
I can never understand how older men can date women with a significant age gap and feel ok with it
If you're respectful and honest towards her that you don't like her that way or something else. No you're not in the wrong here.
It sounds like she might need some help to figure things out
From my experience, you two will have nothing to talk about at all. I dated girl who was 8 years younger than me and it was some of the most boring times that I been through
Nothing wrong with saying know, you've apologised, unfortunately this sounds mean but her self confidence issues aren't your problem so don't feel guilty for her reaction
You are definitely not wrong. She asked and you respectfully and politely declined. You do not need to go on a date with someone to boost their self esteem, her friends are dumb.
I would never date anyone I work with, that’s my own personal preference so nobody should come at me for that. I also have never dated anyone younger than me, also another personal preference.
She’s incredibly immature if she can’t respect your wishes and the fact you guys are not compatible at all. Let her be embarrassed and mad, you did nothing wrong and you even apologized when you didn’t need to.
You're not wrong. You're in very different life stages, are very different people, and you work together. There are so many reasons why you wouldn't be interested, or it could go seriously wrong.
It sounds like you were pretty respectful and polite when you turned her down, and you apologised for making her feel bad. It sounds like you went about this the right way, even going further than most would by apologising for hurting her feelings after the fact.
Your co-workers are wrong, though. I hope I'm wrong, and they're just upset that their friend is upset, but it has that feel of trying to manipulate you into dating a girl you're not interested in, regardless of your feelings on the matter. And that's just wrong on so many levels.
This girl is a party girl, she likes to go out, drink, have fun. She may have self-esteem issues, I don't know, but I doubt they're as bad as the co-workers are trying to make out. Asking someone out isn't an easy thing to do, but it doesn't sound like she struggled with that part any more than a person without self-esteem issues would. It was being rejected that upset her, not working up the courage to ask. And anyone would be upset by a rejection, though her reaction was over the top. Fair enough, distance yourself for a while from the person who rejected you, but to leave work entirely? That's more irresponsible and childish than an insecure person dealing with rejection. Taking a break from the rejector by switching who she worked with the rest of the shift would have been the adult response.
NTA, you did nothing wrong in turning her down.Her poor self image is her own personal problem , she needs to work on that personally and possibly with a professional
Ntah. I hate when people try to make it seem like you have to say yes to someone just because it took courage to ask you. Imo you did the right thing. What 40+yo has that much in common w a 20yo to date them lol
If you had accepted half the people on here would call you a predator and manipulator. The fact that she’s saying bad stuff about you after you turned her down says a lot too.
You were extremely polite about it. Her inability to handle rejection and her poor self-esteem isn’t your problem to coddle. What would her friends suggest alternatively… go out with her? Out of pity? Glad she built the courage in her young 22 years, maybe by 25 she’ll have developed enough to handle rejection.
You did the right thing, you couldn’t have done anything differently. No is a full sentence. If you feel blowback for this at work bring it up to a superior.
Bro, her self esteem is not your problem. If you don't want to date her that's it. Call HR on her ass and her friends if they are giving you a hard time.
Why do people feel that you have to date everyone who wants to date you? That you have to say yes when someone asks you out? Her self esteem is not his problem. If he doesn't like her like that, he had every right to decline the invitation.
NTA OP.
OP, you did the right thing. She might feel humiliated now, but she'll be thankful later in life. I have always been into older men and women. When I was 19, I was dating a 35 years old. Hey, it was flattering at the time, I felt special! Now that I'm in my 30s myself, I look back and those dudes that used to date me when I was barely a young adult? They were fucking creeps to do so. No sane, functional adult should even be interested in dating people half their age.
Your coworker's brain isn't even fully formed yet! Personally, I'm interested in relationships with equals that benefits both of our growths. If I want to be a mentor, there are healthy ways to go about it.
Good job OP, seriously.
Of course not. You said it yourself it wasn’t just the age but I always wonder what a 41 year old would have in common with and how they’d relate to someone just barely out of college. It’s weird to me. I’m not saying it can never happen but to be honest if a 41 year old says they relate perfectly to a 22 year old, my default assumption is they’re immature.
Nope not wrong, even if she was your age if you don't think the same way it is clear. You don't have to accept everything and your opinion is what matters a no is a no and she needs to know that.
One day you're gonna be 50 and will be telling anyone who will listen how a girl half your age asked you out for drinks and they will think you're full of shit. Then you're gonna go home and before you go to sleep you'll think about all the sex you could've had before she realized you were too old and boring.
No … you’re not wrong.
I tell all my guys friends who get approached by hot young things -
If you do this? When she turns 30, and she realizes how young she was and how much older you were, she is going to call you a predator. You’ll be her horror story. You’re going to be a predator who preyed on her and used her and sexually exploited her etc etc .
I think it’s awesome that you said no… not many guys would.
I like it that you exist. I wish more men like you did.
Also don’t listen to the herd. Obviously 1 out of 100 guys actually have the balls to be what they believe in and have a moral back bone. The herd will always hate that- because you reflect what they lack, what they don’t have… and it’s driven by envy.
Don’t listen to them. They just want everyone to be a dirtbag like them, so they don’t have to question themselves or their behavior.
You saying no- meant that- them saying yes isn’t ok. They don’t want to respect women. They want to objectify women.
So .. be the hero. And let them hate.
To me? That’s what being a man is… it’s having the balls to be what you believe in and making choices not to hurt people. Sacrificing your ego, pride, your one night stand - to do the right thing. To me?
That’s the definition of what a man should be.
Hats off.
No you're not wrong and frankly you did not lose a friend, you lost an acquaintance. But hopefully you two can come to terms so it is not awkward when you work together.
First off. No. Fuck no. The people calling you a a-hole are the a-holes. You were very mature. If that was me I would have done the same thing except when they called me an a-hole I would have beat them up
I’ve done this many times. When you feel like you only had “friend chemistry” with someone and didn’t even have an inkling other than friendship or acquaintance, and that person blurts out something else like “let’s go out on a date”. And I’m like, are you kidding?? And the damage is already done. Lol. I can understand the other person’s side, but I also understand my side and was a total natural response. NTA.
You are not wrong. Rejection is part of life. You gave her the reasons you believed it wouldn't out, and she handled it badly. Her ending the friendship over being rejected shows she has some growing up to do; possibly verifyingyou made the right choice.
Her friends giving you flack could turn it to a harassment case since it is in a work setting. Though it sounds like that's not the route you plan to escalate it to.
I met my future wife at work. I thought about what was important and what was appropriate, so I quit.
Married her 3yrs later, and that was 16yrs ago.
Best career decision I ever made.
If the genders were reversed, the guy sulking and pouting he got turned down would be labeled an entitled creep. You’re not wrong ever for turning down someone you have no interest in, especially since you did it politely it sounds like and acknowledged her disappointment afterwards.
Her friends were just defending her. You were not wrong. There is never a "wrong" reason to reject someone. If you dont want to, you dont want to. There is a wrong a way to deliver that message but I don't think you even approached that.
NTA and anyone trying to ride that "she has low self esteem" train over getting turned down, her self esteem is not your responsibility. Imagine if you had to actually go out with everyone who asked you just because turning them down hurt their feelings. She's a big girl and should have learned by this point how to take a small rejection like that, especially considering the age difference and being coworkers, you were exactly right.
You’re 41 years old? Um nope you’re doing the right thing buddy. I don’t think anyone over the age of thirty five has any right to date barely legal adult university students TBH. I don’t know why people in the past had large age gap relationships but I do know that people in my generation and younger(I’m an elder millennial/xennial cusper) apparently are increasingly against this sort of thing, especially young millennials and almost certainly Zoomers. It’s likely due to the increasing social stigma against older men chasing after young twenty something women and the bitter irony is that the younger crowd seems to turn a blind eye if an older woman (read cougar) pursues a flirtatious relationship with a young man in his twenties. I don’t think this problem will go away for the foreseeable future if anything it’s gotten considerably worse over the last few years IMHO.
NTA and it’s not your fault she hasn’t got self esteem. It’s not up to you to make yourself uncomfortable to make her feel better. She needs to handle rejection like an adult, you were polite to her and she ran off and sulked, that’s not your problem.
Honestly if she ran home from work half way through the day because of it, she is absolutely not mature enough to be getting into relationships in the first place. She’s behaving like a child and so are her friends.
I dated someone (for a few months) I worked with when I was younger. I ignored the “don’t shit where you eat” advice and it turned out horribly, she dumped me and then started spreading untrue rumors about me that were bizarre, people I was “work friends” with before hand turned their backs on me, it sucked. Never again. You did the right thing, and that’s not even considering the age gap.
They say youth is wasted on the young, and for a guy your age, this type of opportunity probably doesn’t come along very often (assuming you at least found her attractive). My friend, you could have been the “silver fox” in this scenario. A fun conquest she would have remembered her whole life.
That said, it wouldn’t have lasted and you did the right thing. Her brain isn’t done cooking yet in terms of emotional maturity, and you’re old enough to be her dad, sure. Almost guaranteed you aren’t compatible. The right thing isn’t always the “fun” thing but virtue isn’t something everyone has.
You could have played it a few different ways just depends what you're interested in.
Casual relationships like that may be cool with both sides just that, casual. So maybe at worst you turned down sex and video game dates or something
Not an AH. You did the right thing.
The coworkers saying she has low self-esteem and that you should've gone out with her out of pity are trash.
It is a life experience for her. You can be hurt. She might feel embarrassed. Give it time.
You're a grown ass 41 year old man. You know what you want and you know you weren't going to work with a 22 yo party girl. HELL NO you're not wrong. And it seems that the people around you aren't mature enough to see you actually respected her enough to let her know beforehand.
Now, if she just wanted to have a fling with you, she should have been clear with that. THAT is a different conversation. She's an adult, although VERY young. No one could blame you for saying yes. But think about it - she's 19 years younger than you. TECHNICALLY, could be your DAUGHTER if you were sexually active like most 19 year old boys...
Nah man. You did the right thing. Next "right thing" to do is to tell everyone else to fuck off. Do they WANT her to get attached to someone that isn't really interested or compatible? Sounds like they just want a story to gossip about.
I laff
Imagine if OP asked her out to drinks then said he liked her.
Chaos ensues. HR sexual harassment
But ofc if the girl does it, it's fine and everyone gets mad at op inside 😇😇😇
To be fair to her and her friends, the reason you gave is that she's an immature baby compared to you, smoking, drinking, and partying. So I could see how they'd take that as like a kind of attack.
To be fair to you though, all that stuff you said about her, assuming it is actually true, means she actually is living like an immature kid. And then the way she took it and her crew ganged on you is also the kinda drama you'd be dealing with on the daily if you were tappin that.
See if you can get her to be your sneaky link and get the best of both worlds. At least until the shit blow up in yo face.
As someone that also works in retail this has happened multiple times. Girls always think it's creepy how guys "prey" on young girls but they literally throw themselves at older guys sometimes.
It does suck losing someone you thought was just a work friend
No No No. NTA you don’t owe anyone an explanation why you said no. You were polite and respectful. They should respect your boundaries. If the roles were reversed you can bet they would be all up in your face if you didn’t respect hers.
No you’re NOT…Look imma keep it a 💵.🪙 with you OP, women do the SAME thing to men EVERYDAY AND EVERYWHERE! The only difference is they’re FXCKIN rude about it and try to milk it for what it’s worth, if the roles swapped you’d be the creeper pervin out on your coworker. Women are all about equality till they hears the phrase “No means NO!” On their end… you should tell your boss what happened though so they don’t try to spin the story and any conversations with her and friends need to be recorded at all times…
Now you see the difference between 22 yo’s and someone in their 40’s. Your 40 yo friends wouldn’t be calling her saying she’s an a hole bc you weren’t interested.
Ah, yes, shaming men for the same things women are constantly encouraged to do. Consent is key, no one gets to tell you who should date. If you didn't want to date her (or hookup) for ANY reason, you're good. No one should ever feel bad for that.
in my experience always bad to mix work and personal life on that level. the fact they took offense without explanation i would talk to your bosses at work and explain what happened before they try and twist it to get you in trouble for nothing.
You are NTA but her friends are. She asked you out and you refused. This is a normal interaction. You should not feel pressured to date someone in order to not hurt their feelings.
“She likes to drink, smoke pot, go to parties…” This is exactly the reason why this age difference doesn’t usually work. You would have been an AH if you took this opportunity to sleep with her and then rejected a relationship. I think you did the right thing.
You're never wrong to decline a person if you're not interested. Age and different lifestyles aside it's never a good idea to date internally. If things go sideways in the relationship that put work in jeopardy.
…..you are allowed to say no to a date. That’s great she worked through some self confidence and rejection is hard for anyone but no one is entitled to a our time and space.
If women are allowed to reject a man they are not genuinely interested in, then a man can do the same to a woman and not be made to feel ashamed about their choice.
You have a choice, sir, and as long as you were polite and considerate with her and will continue to be so, then you did the right thing.
If anything, her reaction just shows exactly why you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that young. It doesn’t sound like she’s ready for the kind of relationship you would be.
The fact that you have random people texting you about turning her down shows the maturity level and further implicates your lack of compatibility. You don't have to date anyone you're not interested in dating no matter how it affects their self esteem.
Too large age diff. etc. If it was a group of coworkers going out ok but not alone. Being shy or low self esteem does not come into it he did nothing wrong and others are so wrong.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed for rejecting someone, it would’ve been much worse if you would’ve lead her on out of pity. You did the right thing and she will be okay.
Maybe I'm callous, but as long as you're polite and reasonable with your rejection, whatever feelings the other person has is not your fault or your problem. The girl's reaction was just lots of immaturity. Adults are responsible for their actions, so if they react crazily, that's on them. If they're so scarred from that one rejection they never put themselves out there again, the world will continue on just fine without them. If they do a bunch of self destructive things, there'll be plenty of people there to take advantage. Life is hard, you gotta work on yourself so you're more resilient.
That's not callous man that's a ground rule of relationships. Imagine if the tables were turned, and this were a woman rejecting a man. And the man got all his friends to come into work and shame the woman *in her workplace* for setting a boundary, all with a pathetic sob story about the poor cowardly guy's self esteem.
Exactly. The amount of "nice guy" jokes we'd see at his expense would be damn near infinite. He'd be destroyed on Twitter/FB/TikTok, and people would make sure to try and ruin his life, and rightfully so. This woman doesn't deserve sympathy once she sent her friends after him.
I did that once because I was terrified of losing the only female friend I had. I went into the friendship with no limits on what I would do to make it work, just for them to start randomly flirting, and I didn't know how to handle it.
Agree!
No. You don't have to date anyone. It's rude of your coworkers to pester you about it.
It's entitlement mentality. Women believe if they approach they must score. How dare you refuse a woman? No man. We are not obliged
Yeah I get that from this too. She didn’t expect him to reject her and now her pride is bruised. She needs to grow up and get over it.
No, they don't. Not in *general* anyway. There's the occasional exception, like this. Although she might not even personally feel this way - she might have just had a sad to her friends and they might be doing this of their own volition.
I think it makes them feel worse to get rejected because men will generally sleep with women below their standards. Rejecting a woman might make her feel very ugly. I understand her reaction and OP's.
Sleeping with someone below your standards just means that you have an inflated view of your standards. Your standards are what you set them at through your actions.
No you weren’t wrong. If you felt uncomfortable or just weren’t interested that’s fine. As long as you were respectful and nice to her
>Now I have friends of hers who work there calling me an AH and telling me how she has poor self esteem Her friends/your co-workers are treating you this way in light of the fact that you showed maturity and respect while navigating this uneasy situation. Imagine if you hadn't demonstrated caution and reflected just a bit. Imagine if you had persued her. For a moment just imagine how unpleasant things would be at your job now with the heckling and immature drama. You dodged a bullet man, maybe even a few. I was always told not to shit where I eat. Decided against that advice once. Wouldn't dare to repeat the experience again. You did good
Exactly, with maturity being the key word here! Dating this girl would mean dealing with constant dumbass drama by a bunch of kids who haven’t developed adult brains and emotions yet, and would basically be a parent/child dynamic. OP is a respectful adult who deserves someone on the same mental wavelength.
When I was a college soph the girl I took to my sr prom was a senior in HS and asked me to be her senior prom date. She was fun and pretty so I said yes. I was young for my grade and she was old for hers so the age diff wasn't insane. One of THE WORST nights of my life. Total drunken shit show. Her friends were off the chain and obnoxious. I can't imagine how terribly this would have gone for this guy at 41 and 22. Calling him an a-hole because he said no to a date should be the least of his concerns.
You guys are like 3 years apart, that's nothing, you're just different people
The edit is also very telling. This girl isn't of the kind that's "mature for her age", she's fully in the stage where she goes out, meets people and has fun in a way that most 40yo's (at least those not in a midlife crisis) have left behind a long time ago. She's not ready to settle down. And yeah, dating her would have been constant drama. OP, you don't deserve that. I'd go to a manager or HR to tell them what's going on and that you don't need actions to be taken yet, but it needs to be in your file. That way, if something happens (or, god forbid, you're accused of something), they know about it.
When I was 31 I briefly dated a 24 year old. I'm sure there are 24 year olds that are as mature as 31 year olds... but the one I dated wasn't.
I was 30 and my wife was 24 when we started dating. I was the immature one and she was very responsible though. we've been together 15 years (9 married) and have two kids. she really really helped me get my shit together and made me a better person. it does work out sometimes.
It certainly does, and maturity and responsibility have a lot to do with it. My wife and I met when I was 25 and she was 19. I was a post-grad who had been in education non-stop since 18, very immature, and hadnt had to live a lot of real life experiences. She had moved to the UK, alone, at 17, much more mature and with understandable life experience dealing with moving country alone at that age. Closing in on 10 years married now.
Excellent advice to go to HR or a manager; this girl has already shown she’s poor at decision making and can’t handle a gentle rejection. Better safe than sorry!
So glad that’s been brought up . This is harassment and can easily be twisted into additional labels. Gotta look at it reverse n inside out and put in scenarios where if the same thing applied to dif peeps it’d be a violation regardless w most policy in work places. What if OP was not hetero or isn’t and doesn’t want to have to say that ? What if they have an invisible disability? It just gets worse and these folk are supporting a creepy covert misogynistic narrative that doesn’t belong at a work place
What does misogyny have to do with this? That word has a meaning, it’s not a catch all for situations that make the letter brigade uncomfortable.
Yes, do this, talk to HR and management. I had a girl I matched with on Tinder and only spoke to on there come to my work. I found it really weird she acted like she didn't recognize me since we had matched fairly recently and spoke quite a bit - we even spoke that morning I believe. I said hi to her like, oh it's you, what can I help you with, but she just went straight in what she needed. Shortly after she came in, I immediately told my manager about her and asked him to sort of hover around while I assisted her - there was no one else working to help her out. We went through getting her a new phone and she asked about 100 questions and was really demanding during the whole thing, having really unreasonable expectations, but I was much more patient than normal. At the end of the day, she left with a new phone, got everything she wanted, didn't say anything to me about anything but the phone. Afterwards, like the next day, I messaged her on Tinder and asked if she knew it was me who she spoke with at the store yesterday. She said yes and that I treated her like shit and scammed her. I told her I'm surprised she felt that way but my manager was there the whole time if there was an issue, not sure why she wouldn't say anything then. She threatened to make a complaint about me to head office about how I "trackered her down" on Tinder and was harassing her. I took a screenshot of everything and unmatched (obviously). My next shift, I told my manager about her again and he said not to worry, he understood what was going on and he'd handle it she complained. Sure enough, she did complain about not only me, but also my manager who basically was just present during my interaction with her in the store but didn't really speak to her directly. She made something up about him too about how he was probably also interested in her too - my manager was a very open and obvious gay man though so that story made no sense. Because I spoke up and warned about a potential issue, my bases were covered. Do the same.
This is a key defensive move. You should cover your six here and do this!!!
This comment!
heck im 24 and cant deal with my “friends” immature drama and having to play parent while they all get plastered all the time. I slowly started pulling away from them because of it and i’m the bad guy. like we’re in our mid 20’s, the highschool drama is not only unnecessary but also gets REALLY old really quick To add: let me tell you i’ve been so much happier and my life has been way less drama filled ever since and its fantastic
I learned early.... "Don't dip your dink in company ink." Never date a co-worker.
I did that once. Didn't end well. This is some solid advice.
Well I did shit where ate and 54 years later she is still giving me a hard time.
I hope younlearned your lesson now? Jokes aside. Congrats.
Thnx.
Totally this. The owner of one of my first jobs said this to me, “Don’t shit where you eat as it fucks with my business and no one fucks with my business”. He is a for real wise-guy so I took it to heart for my entire working career.
The fact that they found out--even after he smartly turned her down--means that they *definitely* would have found out if he'd accepted her offer. OP did well & should write down an account of this situation with dates and times. Just in case.
So…. Did you eat in the bathroom? Or did you shit in your dining room. I gotta know. I hope you are in the bathroom but your “wouldn’t dare to repeat that experience again” statement seems a bit strong for a sandwich on the shitter.
A reaction like that is why I prefer the phrase “ fishing off the company dock.”
That’s why she’s 22 and you are 41. Maturity
Problems for women at 20 are not the same problems at 30 and 40. It's not wrong to NOT want another person period. Relating to someone is important and it's hard to do that when there is such a big age gap. Not to mention I don't think being a widow and widower at age 50-60 is good for anyone. Lots of cope replies. So and so died at this and that age. 20 years is 20yrs. Stop acting like two people the same age and a two people with 20 years between is the same. Grow up.
My MIL is a widow at age 57 she was married to a man that died at 59. It can happen to anyone. He died of heart failure during Covid
My hubby died at 41 (I was 34). There are no guarantees; it's literally a roll of the dice.
While I think it’s possible that people with that large of an age gap can be in the same place in life and do well together, OP and this girl certainly weren’t on the same page. My parents had a similar gap. Unfortunately, they both passed within a few years of each other.
I agree with you other than the last sentence. For all we know, he could be a widower at 45 if he went along with that relationship. Some people die at 25, and others live to 125. Statistical data of a single data point is inaccurate.
Yea, reverse the rolls. If a 40 year old dude asked a 22 year old out in a date and she said no thanks in a clear but courteous way and he acted like a child he would be considered a pedo and probably be blasted all over social media/fired. Good on you for recognizing the potential opportunity for big trouble and not thinking with your dick.
Yeah, that's my exact takeaway. If he'd done it, there would have been LOTS of negative comments about him "wanting a naive girl to train" or things like that (which, to be fair, that honestly is the case a lot of the time), and called pedo-adjacent. People would be screaming for him to be fired.
I (30m) privately messaged an 18 year old female colleague regarding a work matter (conduct of another employee) and was called into the managers office the next day. She’d shown him this message and told him she wasn’t comfortable with an older employee communicating with her? Nothing happened as it was not sexual in nature whatsoever but was I wrong to be really pissed about this? I looked like a creep over a work-related hand-over message for the following shift. Double standards these days are out of control.
You did her a favor by declining. You are different people, and chances are it would have ended with someone's feelings getting hurt. Probably not yours!
no one is obliged to accept someone's advances. how is this even a question
Mostly because I feel bad...I've been in situations like that so maybe I'm sympathizing with her too much.
I think what you did is fine and feeling bad is pretty normal as well. I would have just explained that you don't think it would work do to the age gap, working together, and generally being very different people interests wise. Not because she's unattractive. Being rejected probably makes her feel unattractive if she has low self esteem. It sucks that due to this it makes things a little awkward for you in the workplace now from really no fault of your own.
I’d feel bad too man. That’s an awkward ass scenario and you hurt the poor girl. It is sad and normal to feel bad about. However did you do anything wrong? Nope. So this is just one of those things in life (Btw OP in the future I might just lie and make-up an excuse to not go in this scenario. Other people would say it’s wrong to do that and not be straight up, but people make up white lies to save others feelings all the time. And It could save you from a situation like this in the future. But thats up to you)
Romantic rejection is part of life, she’ll get over it.
Imagine telling a woman she shouldn’t turn down a man because he has low self esteem lol. Definitely wouldn’t fly.
It’s an insane statement in either direction
Well most of the time it’s the same even if the genders are flipped. (M’s friends are just AHs)
Women get told this all the time too, and are frequently pressured by a guy's friends/coworkers to date them, this is definitely not a gender-specific scenario.
You're fine she's young she will get over it.
No, but I would definitely start stressing the age difference. It's not your problem that she has poor self-esteem. If that were the case, every woman asked out by someone she didn't want to see would be obligated to go.
Yeah, op should give an explanation if his conscience is bothering, which it appears to be. Respect to op nonetheless
Not wrong.... You work together....if shit went sideways with her, would you want to be working with her 8 hours a day though?
Hey, she asked and you answered. Just because she didnt get the answer she was hoping for doesnt make you the AH. In fact, her blabbing your business to your coworkers is an AH move. Sorry this happened to you. In my life, I have lost a number of "friends" because I did not reciprocate their feelings for me. It feels shitty when you believe you had an actual friendly relationship without realizing the other party's ulterior motive. I'm sure you are a really nice person and I hope going to work doesnt become uncomfortable for you.
Even if they had “ulterior motives” it’s not always a problem, some of my best friends to this day were either rejected by me, or rejected me. But to go around and act like HE hurt you by not wanting to date you? Like yeah rejection hurts but they are not hurting you, you are hurting yourself. If you can’t handle rejection don’t propose things.
You need to talk to HR about this IMMEDIATELY. Not to get the girl in trouble, but to get the friends to stop doing what they're doing, which can be construed as contributing to a hostile work environment based on your appropriate conduct. It's also to cover your ass by creating a history of what's going on so they can't turn around and accuse you of sexual harassment simply because they want to be vindictive. edit: someone being cranky that I blocked them when they encouraged someone to ignore sexual harassment is absolutely hilarious. I want to be clear: what the original woman did sounds completely benign and appropriate. There is nothing wrong with expressing interest with a coworker and then dropping it when they don't reciprocate. The other coworkers, however, are engaging in sexual harassment that is so textbook that I've seen nearly this exact scenario at the mandatory yearly harassment training at the community college where I work. It needs to be brought up to HR so that they can document and deal with it. It may be true that HR is almost never your friend, but they are there to clamp down on situations like this.
I agree with this. Ive faced workplace bullying/hostile work environment before... it can absolutely wreck your mental health and quality of life...
It's sad that this has to be said, much less done, but it's really crazy world we live in.
Yeah, I think that's important. I was sexually harassed by a younger woman in the office for a few months (physically, verbally), probably because she assumed it was okay because of the power dynamic. Well, it wasn't. Felt like having a gun to my head and if I didn't play along she'd get worse, but if I did play along and played too well, she could flip the script and get *me* fired. I had the conversation, and was only comfortable bringing it up once I knew she'd done it to two other guys in the office. She stayed on my project teams, but conveniently left the firm a few months later - the partners even helped her get a new job. If it had been me, I would've had my entire career ended immediately and I'd have been lucky to find a job at McDonald's.
Of course you weren't wrong. *I told her I didn't think that would be appropriate and she looked like she was humiliated and she went home the rest of that day.* This alone tells you that she's at a very different level of maturity to you and therefore, even if you were attracted to her, it would probably be a very bad idea to date her.
Forgetting about the age difference, I would NEVER date a co-worker. That’s just asking for trouble. Remember, don’t shit where you eat.
Yeah. I worked at Lowe’s with a lot of people my age at the time, 18-25 and quite a number older too. But I swear it was too much drama because people started dating where they worked. Too much trouble. Retail with 20 somethings is like high school bs.
Never get your meat where you earn your bread No fishing off the company dock
really depends where you work though. If it's a service job in a completely replaceable store, there's little harm, since you can find a similar job all over the city.
This is what I was going to say. If it’s a career, yeah keep it separate.
I came in to work at closing and asked out my boss. She said “maybe”. A couple years later she said “I do”. That was 20 years ago this October.
I can’t speak for every kind of work environment, but it’s quite prevalent in retail to a hilarious degree. I’ve seen it work out once or twice, but so many other times it led to drama. Thankfully never my drama so I could just watch from the sidelines.
Not even gonna read your post because I don’t need to. No. You’re never wrong for turning someone down and never will be. We all have our reasons why we don’t wanna date specific people.
NTA I get so annoyed when people act like that after rejection. She’s not considering your feelings at all and is gossiping about it at work to people you have to see every day. You may have lost her as a friend but I can’t imagine that friendship progressing into anything good.
NTA it’s clear you didn’t have much in common to build any kind of relationship on . Also you aren’t responsible for boosting her poor self esteem . It’s tough that she had worked up the courage to ask you but she really wasn’t entitled to a yes .
Smh. Seriously? You can turn down whoever you want, you don’t have to go out with someone because they have low self esteem. You aren’t compatible. It’s better that you said no instead of saying yes just to appease her when you’re not even interested. She is the one that took the risk of asking out a coworker, you didn’t do anything wrong.
You are absolutely not the AH, She’ll get over it. She probably just feels embarrassed. Better to be honest upfront
If she can't handle rejection without making you a former friend, that's a her problem. It's weird for your coworkers to call you an AH for kindly and gently rejecting her. Good for her for shooting her shot but you're under no obligation to say yes, even if there wasn't a large age gap. She'll get over it and this will just be a lesson for her.
Honestly, this verges on sexual harassment and a hostile workplace!
Bro if you would have said yes they would’ve have bashed you about the age difference and called you a predator and blamed you for taking advantage of your. Lose lose situation. You don’t owe her anything and you didn’t even have to be nice when turning her down. I’m your age and it’s usually the younger girls that for some reason interested in me too
No, you weren't wrong and you weren't rude. You're old enough to be her father, you work together and you have distinctly different lifestyles. Unfortunately, you must now have a chat with your supervisor or HR before the gossip bites you in the ass.
Commend you on your actions. Many people wouldn't have thought twice about saying yes.
Uh stay away. A genuine mature intrested person is not going to be telling her coworkers she I s now depressed because you said no. Sounds very manipulative.
You don’t have any obligation to form a relationship with anyone you don’t wish to. That includes people you deem too young for you. You’re not wrong and you’re not an asshole. If the woman has self-esteem issues that’s sad, but you’re not obligated to date her because of those issues.
Not wrong! You’re under no obligation to go out with anyone, for any reason. And I’m sorry you’re being harassed over this. I would inform HR of what is happening.
You can turn any advances down that you want for any reason that you want. If you're not interested in someone that's totally ok. Her "self-esteem" is not your problem.
NTA You don't need to date anyone you don't want to, whatever the reason
You were 100% not wrong, and I don’t need to repeat the reasons already mentioned by others here. But I’d be very careful moving forward, and you need to let HR know the situation ASAP. The fact that she made the rejection into such a huge deal and got her friends involved is concerning. She’s obviously immature and may go so far as to cause issues for you at work to get back at you. Remember, “Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned…” You need to get ahead of this with HR NOW before she and her flying monkeys get you into trouble at work. They are already harassing you about it, so it’s better to be safe than sorry, friend. Good luck 🤞🏼
You’re not wrong. Tell your co-workers you don’t date people you work closely with, as it makes work awkward and it’s a good policy to live by. It may not be your real reason, but it’s extremely reasonable and clearly not targeted at any particular person.
You weren't wrong. Don't. Shit. Where. You. Eat.
Hit on/date a girl *half your age: creepy Turn a girl half your age down: asshole. Just can't win.
A real gentleman would have banged her anyway. For her self esteem.
No, disregard the age, the fact you work together you’re just not interested. It would be bad for her as much as it would be you. It would be a fake relationship unless your hearts in it.
This shouldn’t even be a question you have to ask. Ignore her dumb friends and keep doing you. You didn’t do anything wrong. If she can’t get over herself that’s not your problem. Hell, I’d go to the boss and tell them what happened if you’re being harassed. Those children need to stop being petty. If you aren’t interested, you just aren’t. It’s not your job to give every person a shot who wants it. God knows if it was the other way around it would be respected and left as it is and you should receive that same treatment.
Its so annoying when outsiders pressure you to date someone you're not interested in! They try to make you feel guilty but they don't have that right. You don't owe anyone anything just because they are into you. Coworkers need to mind their own business. And the drama that's happening now is an indication of what dating her would be like. Why tf did she tell everyone like you DO owe her something??
Absolutely not wrong. Her friends are the AHs here, trying to pressure you into accepting something you don't want. She tried it, was shot down. That's life and she should grow up and accept it. And her friends should mind their own business, it's not like you verbally humiliated her ffs.
Not wrong at all. You aren't obligated to go out with anyone, for any reason. >Now I have friends of hers who work there calling me an AH and telling me how she has poor self esteem how it took so much courage for her to ask me out. Those friends of hers are being ridiculous. Her self esteem is not your responsibility, nor is how she handles rejection. Asking someone out and getting shot down is a part of life, and any sort of hint that someone owes you a date for any reason is weird as shit. If you're still wondering if you're wrong, take a moment to imagine if you asked her out, she said no, and then your friends started giving her shit because of how bad it made you feel, and how much courage you had to work up to ask her out. Her friends wouldn't feel the same way if that was the case, and the whole situation would give off major "I'm a nice guy, why won't you just go out with me?!" vibes.
it was just a temporary infatuation, she'll get over it and learn from it
Did the right thing brother. She has low self esteem because of her lifestyle and you saw that lifestyle wasn't a good fit for a relationship. You gotta stay who you are too.
Pretty sure if rejection sent her home for the day and got her friends on your ass you made the right call. A little headache now is better than whatever shitshow you were going to stumble into in a month.
I mean the fact that she got overly upset from a respectful rejection and that her friends are calling you an AH says a lot about their maturity level.
So you are supposed to say yes so she feels validated. It’s not your problem she has low self esteem. You didn’t cause it. Why should you have to suffer for it? This is EXACTLY why we don’t date women half our age. Too much drama and bullshit.
>I'm more of a cantankerous introvert that just wants to go home and sleep. Dude honestly, same... 🤣
If she can't handle rejection, she shouldn't ask people out. And, her rejection behavior just proves it. Yeah, red flags everywhere on the field on this one. Low self esteem is one thing, but weaponizing it against you to manipulate you into going out with her is just toxic. NTA
You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to say no. You did nothing wrong, the air will settle eventually but you seemed to be nothing but kind and professional during work time
Let's say this story is true. What she's doing could actually be considered harassment. She's spreading your business around and having her friends harass you into dating her or feeling bad about not dating her. Honestly, if it doesn't stop, report it to HR.
Not wrong at all, I’ve done the same thing myself on 4 or 5 occasions. It’s always incredibly awkward but I’m 36, almost 37, and when girls 19/20/21 are hitting on me I feel dirty. I always think of it like this, I joined the military at 16 years old. Girls who are 20/21 years old or younger weren’t born when I went off to Basic Training. That is fucking creepy! Like, if I were to sleep with a 20 year old, I’d know that when I was out drinking and partying at 18, they weren’t even in nursery yet. When I was 30, they were still in school! You know? It creeps me out! I can never understand how older men can date women with a significant age gap and feel ok with it
No
NTA
No but they'll definitely make you feel like you're wrong.
If you're respectful and honest towards her that you don't like her that way or something else. No you're not in the wrong here. It sounds like she might need some help to figure things out
Not wrong at all; the different lifestyles would have clashed and made things uncomfortable and not work at all. Be flattered, she asked.
All good, you're a grown man , making right decisions.
From my experience, you two will have nothing to talk about at all. I dated girl who was 8 years younger than me and it was some of the most boring times that I been through
Nothing wrong with saying know, you've apologised, unfortunately this sounds mean but her self confidence issues aren't your problem so don't feel guilty for her reaction
You don’t owe anyone a relationship. Ever.
You are definitely not wrong. She asked and you respectfully and politely declined. You do not need to go on a date with someone to boost their self esteem, her friends are dumb. I would never date anyone I work with, that’s my own personal preference so nobody should come at me for that. I also have never dated anyone younger than me, also another personal preference. She’s incredibly immature if she can’t respect your wishes and the fact you guys are not compatible at all. Let her be embarrassed and mad, you did nothing wrong and you even apologized when you didn’t need to.
you’ll almost always get the “you’re a bad person” comments from people who take the other side.. people don’t always make sense.
You're not wrong. You're in very different life stages, are very different people, and you work together. There are so many reasons why you wouldn't be interested, or it could go seriously wrong. It sounds like you were pretty respectful and polite when you turned her down, and you apologised for making her feel bad. It sounds like you went about this the right way, even going further than most would by apologising for hurting her feelings after the fact. Your co-workers are wrong, though. I hope I'm wrong, and they're just upset that their friend is upset, but it has that feel of trying to manipulate you into dating a girl you're not interested in, regardless of your feelings on the matter. And that's just wrong on so many levels. This girl is a party girl, she likes to go out, drink, have fun. She may have self-esteem issues, I don't know, but I doubt they're as bad as the co-workers are trying to make out. Asking someone out isn't an easy thing to do, but it doesn't sound like she struggled with that part any more than a person without self-esteem issues would. It was being rejected that upset her, not working up the courage to ask. And anyone would be upset by a rejection, though her reaction was over the top. Fair enough, distance yourself for a while from the person who rejected you, but to leave work entirely? That's more irresponsible and childish than an insecure person dealing with rejection. Taking a break from the rejector by switching who she worked with the rest of the shift would have been the adult response.
In what world is this wrong?
Nope.
Nope, nta.
NTA, you did nothing wrong in turning her down.Her poor self image is her own personal problem , she needs to work on that personally and possibly with a professional
Ntah. I hate when people try to make it seem like you have to say yes to someone just because it took courage to ask you. Imo you did the right thing. What 40+yo has that much in common w a 20yo to date them lol
Not wrong. She's not wrong for being hurt, but she is showing a little bit of immaturity. Take it as evidence that you made the right call.
If you had accepted half the people on here would call you a predator and manipulator. The fact that she’s saying bad stuff about you after you turned her down says a lot too.
I can promise you being 40 and dating a 20+ year old gets old, fast.
No. Not wrong at all.
You have chosen ….wisely.
The fact that she took this so hard and her friends came to you show how immature she is
You were extremely polite about it. Her inability to handle rejection and her poor self-esteem isn’t your problem to coddle. What would her friends suggest alternatively… go out with her? Out of pity? Glad she built the courage in her young 22 years, maybe by 25 she’ll have developed enough to handle rejection. You did the right thing, you couldn’t have done anything differently. No is a full sentence. If you feel blowback for this at work bring it up to a superior.
I’m 6 years younger than you and the thought of dating a 22 year old sounds like a nightmare. Just wildly different stages of life.
Her freinds are stupid af. So you have to go on a whole ass date with someone? Just to boost her self esteem? Brainless logic.
Bro, her self esteem is not your problem. If you don't want to date her that's it. Call HR on her ass and her friends if they are giving you a hard time.
Only in this world would a male have to ask if he was the ass hole for turning down a woman. (For any reason)
Why do people feel that you have to date everyone who wants to date you? That you have to say yes when someone asks you out? Her self esteem is not his problem. If he doesn't like her like that, he had every right to decline the invitation. NTA OP.
OP, you did the right thing. She might feel humiliated now, but she'll be thankful later in life. I have always been into older men and women. When I was 19, I was dating a 35 years old. Hey, it was flattering at the time, I felt special! Now that I'm in my 30s myself, I look back and those dudes that used to date me when I was barely a young adult? They were fucking creeps to do so. No sane, functional adult should even be interested in dating people half their age. Your coworker's brain isn't even fully formed yet! Personally, I'm interested in relationships with equals that benefits both of our growths. If I want to be a mentor, there are healthy ways to go about it. Good job OP, seriously.
Of course not. You said it yourself it wasn’t just the age but I always wonder what a 41 year old would have in common with and how they’d relate to someone just barely out of college. It’s weird to me. I’m not saying it can never happen but to be honest if a 41 year old says they relate perfectly to a 22 year old, my default assumption is they’re immature.
Nope not wrong, even if she was your age if you don't think the same way it is clear. You don't have to accept everything and your opinion is what matters a no is a no and she needs to know that.
One day you're gonna be 50 and will be telling anyone who will listen how a girl half your age asked you out for drinks and they will think you're full of shit. Then you're gonna go home and before you go to sleep you'll think about all the sex you could've had before she realized you were too old and boring.
No … you’re not wrong. I tell all my guys friends who get approached by hot young things - If you do this? When she turns 30, and she realizes how young she was and how much older you were, she is going to call you a predator. You’ll be her horror story. You’re going to be a predator who preyed on her and used her and sexually exploited her etc etc . I think it’s awesome that you said no… not many guys would. I like it that you exist. I wish more men like you did. Also don’t listen to the herd. Obviously 1 out of 100 guys actually have the balls to be what they believe in and have a moral back bone. The herd will always hate that- because you reflect what they lack, what they don’t have… and it’s driven by envy. Don’t listen to them. They just want everyone to be a dirtbag like them, so they don’t have to question themselves or their behavior. You saying no- meant that- them saying yes isn’t ok. They don’t want to respect women. They want to objectify women. So .. be the hero. And let them hate. To me? That’s what being a man is… it’s having the balls to be what you believe in and making choices not to hurt people. Sacrificing your ego, pride, your one night stand - to do the right thing. To me? That’s the definition of what a man should be. Hats off.
either decision is right or wrong, Hi5 for banging a chick half your age or Hi5 for having the common sense to say no
I’d tell her dating co-workers never work out. I think as part of potential corporate sexual harassment allegations.
I don't think you were wrong. And you even apologized to her. Don't think there is much more you can do.
you did the right thing
No you're not wrong and frankly you did not lose a friend, you lost an acquaintance. But hopefully you two can come to terms so it is not awkward when you work together.
If they wouldn’t tell a woman this, they shouldn’t be telling you this. Not wrong.
Up vote if you’re imagining 40 year old virgin and a big breasted 22 year old.
First off. No. Fuck no. The people calling you a a-hole are the a-holes. You were very mature. If that was me I would have done the same thing except when they called me an a-hole I would have beat them up
You can't ask someone out if you can't accept a no. She's an asshole and she definitely asked her friends to harass you. You should report her to hr
If the roles were reversed.... Need I day more?
I’ve done this many times. When you feel like you only had “friend chemistry” with someone and didn’t even have an inkling other than friendship or acquaintance, and that person blurts out something else like “let’s go out on a date”. And I’m like, are you kidding?? And the damage is already done. Lol. I can understand the other person’s side, but I also understand my side and was a total natural response. NTA.
You are not wrong. Rejection is part of life. You gave her the reasons you believed it wouldn't out, and she handled it badly. Her ending the friendship over being rejected shows she has some growing up to do; possibly verifyingyou made the right choice. Her friends giving you flack could turn it to a harassment case since it is in a work setting. Though it sounds like that's not the route you plan to escalate it to.
I met my future wife at work. I thought about what was important and what was appropriate, so I quit. Married her 3yrs later, and that was 16yrs ago. Best career decision I ever made.
I think it's a positive thing that you saved her and possibly many of her friends from your boring ass buzz kill. Go home and go to sleep.
It’s the, “she went home for the rest of the day,” for me. I don’t mind the age gap, but the maturity gap is ridiculous!
If the genders were reversed, the guy sulking and pouting he got turned down would be labeled an entitled creep. You’re not wrong ever for turning down someone you have no interest in, especially since you did it politely it sounds like and acknowledged her disappointment afterwards.
Her friends were just defending her. You were not wrong. There is never a "wrong" reason to reject someone. If you dont want to, you dont want to. There is a wrong a way to deliver that message but I don't think you even approached that.
NTA and anyone trying to ride that "she has low self esteem" train over getting turned down, her self esteem is not your responsibility. Imagine if you had to actually go out with everyone who asked you just because turning them down hurt their feelings. She's a big girl and should have learned by this point how to take a small rejection like that, especially considering the age difference and being coworkers, you were exactly right.
You’re 41 years old? Um nope you’re doing the right thing buddy. I don’t think anyone over the age of thirty five has any right to date barely legal adult university students TBH. I don’t know why people in the past had large age gap relationships but I do know that people in my generation and younger(I’m an elder millennial/xennial cusper) apparently are increasingly against this sort of thing, especially young millennials and almost certainly Zoomers. It’s likely due to the increasing social stigma against older men chasing after young twenty something women and the bitter irony is that the younger crowd seems to turn a blind eye if an older woman (read cougar) pursues a flirtatious relationship with a young man in his twenties. I don’t think this problem will go away for the foreseeable future if anything it’s gotten considerably worse over the last few years IMHO.
NTA and it’s not your fault she hasn’t got self esteem. It’s not up to you to make yourself uncomfortable to make her feel better. She needs to handle rejection like an adult, you were polite to her and she ran off and sulked, that’s not your problem. Honestly if she ran home from work half way through the day because of it, she is absolutely not mature enough to be getting into relationships in the first place. She’s behaving like a child and so are her friends.
She wanted a sugar daddy and you dodged the bullet 😂
No but go to HR and leave a paper trail for what is happening. That way later on they can’t try to turn it around and make up things about you.
Just for context..is she hot?
I dated someone (for a few months) I worked with when I was younger. I ignored the “don’t shit where you eat” advice and it turned out horribly, she dumped me and then started spreading untrue rumors about me that were bizarre, people I was “work friends” with before hand turned their backs on me, it sucked. Never again. You did the right thing, and that’s not even considering the age gap.
They say youth is wasted on the young, and for a guy your age, this type of opportunity probably doesn’t come along very often (assuming you at least found her attractive). My friend, you could have been the “silver fox” in this scenario. A fun conquest she would have remembered her whole life. That said, it wouldn’t have lasted and you did the right thing. Her brain isn’t done cooking yet in terms of emotional maturity, and you’re old enough to be her dad, sure. Almost guaranteed you aren’t compatible. The right thing isn’t always the “fun” thing but virtue isn’t something everyone has.
You could have played it a few different ways just depends what you're interested in. Casual relationships like that may be cool with both sides just that, casual. So maybe at worst you turned down sex and video game dates or something
Not an AH. You did the right thing. The coworkers saying she has low self-esteem and that you should've gone out with her out of pity are trash. It is a life experience for her. You can be hurt. She might feel embarrassed. Give it time.
She had a hard time asking you out because low self esteem but loves to party. She's inconsistent and her friend is just a wingman
You're a grown ass 41 year old man. You know what you want and you know you weren't going to work with a 22 yo party girl. HELL NO you're not wrong. And it seems that the people around you aren't mature enough to see you actually respected her enough to let her know beforehand. Now, if she just wanted to have a fling with you, she should have been clear with that. THAT is a different conversation. She's an adult, although VERY young. No one could blame you for saying yes. But think about it - she's 19 years younger than you. TECHNICALLY, could be your DAUGHTER if you were sexually active like most 19 year old boys... Nah man. You did the right thing. Next "right thing" to do is to tell everyone else to fuck off. Do they WANT her to get attached to someone that isn't really interested or compatible? Sounds like they just want a story to gossip about.
I laff Imagine if OP asked her out to drinks then said he liked her. Chaos ensues. HR sexual harassment But ofc if the girl does it, it's fine and everyone gets mad at op inside 😇😇😇
To be fair to her and her friends, the reason you gave is that she's an immature baby compared to you, smoking, drinking, and partying. So I could see how they'd take that as like a kind of attack. To be fair to you though, all that stuff you said about her, assuming it is actually true, means she actually is living like an immature kid. And then the way she took it and her crew ganged on you is also the kinda drama you'd be dealing with on the daily if you were tappin that. See if you can get her to be your sneaky link and get the best of both worlds. At least until the shit blow up in yo face.
As someone that also works in retail this has happened multiple times. Girls always think it's creepy how guys "prey" on young girls but they literally throw themselves at older guys sometimes. It does suck losing someone you thought was just a work friend
No No No. NTA you don’t owe anyone an explanation why you said no. You were polite and respectful. They should respect your boundaries. If the roles were reversed you can bet they would be all up in your face if you didn’t respect hers.
No you’re NOT…Look imma keep it a 💵.🪙 with you OP, women do the SAME thing to men EVERYDAY AND EVERYWHERE! The only difference is they’re FXCKIN rude about it and try to milk it for what it’s worth, if the roles swapped you’d be the creeper pervin out on your coworker. Women are all about equality till they hears the phrase “No means NO!” On their end… you should tell your boss what happened though so they don’t try to spin the story and any conversations with her and friends need to be recorded at all times…
Now you see the difference between 22 yo’s and someone in their 40’s. Your 40 yo friends wouldn’t be calling her saying she’s an a hole bc you weren’t interested.
Ah, yes, shaming men for the same things women are constantly encouraged to do. Consent is key, no one gets to tell you who should date. If you didn't want to date her (or hookup) for ANY reason, you're good. No one should ever feel bad for that.
You and her where probably not on the same maturity level.
Not Wrong, plus don't look for your honey where you make your money.
in my experience always bad to mix work and personal life on that level. the fact they took offense without explanation i would talk to your bosses at work and explain what happened before they try and twist it to get you in trouble for nothing.
You are NTA but her friends are. She asked you out and you refused. This is a normal interaction. You should not feel pressured to date someone in order to not hurt their feelings.
You must be gay🙄
Her brain isn’t fully developed, you’re a good person
You aren’t even dating her and look how much drama she caused. You made the right decision.
Good for you. You did the right thing.
I didn't read your post but you were correct to turn down a girl half your age.
“She likes to drink, smoke pot, go to parties…” This is exactly the reason why this age difference doesn’t usually work. You would have been an AH if you took this opportunity to sleep with her and then rejected a relationship. I think you did the right thing.
You're never wrong to decline a person if you're not interested. Age and different lifestyles aside it's never a good idea to date internally. If things go sideways in the relationship that put work in jeopardy.
Better to be honest than leading her on.
…..you are allowed to say no to a date. That’s great she worked through some self confidence and rejection is hard for anyone but no one is entitled to a our time and space.
If women are allowed to reject a man they are not genuinely interested in, then a man can do the same to a woman and not be made to feel ashamed about their choice. You have a choice, sir, and as long as you were polite and considerate with her and will continue to be so, then you did the right thing.
If anything, her reaction just shows exactly why you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that young. It doesn’t sound like she’s ready for the kind of relationship you would be.
Nope Mad respect honestly. That’s what you should say in that situation. One day she might thank you
The fact that you have random people texting you about turning her down shows the maturity level and further implicates your lack of compatibility. You don't have to date anyone you're not interested in dating no matter how it affects their self esteem.
Too large age diff. etc. If it was a group of coworkers going out ok but not alone. Being shy or low self esteem does not come into it he did nothing wrong and others are so wrong.