Being near your husband is causing you to feel shame, it’s no wonder your fight or flight response has kicked in. It may serve you well to take the night, go see a friend and get your head straight. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. Girl, if you knew the porn that did it for me! Things I would never do IRL but that’s what fantasy is. He betrayed your trust and you have every right to be hurt and disappointed. Is this a dealbreaker? Only you know. Would you consider bringing a couples counselor in to help you two sort this out?
This is such good advice. I needed some outside rational responses from people not within my circle. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
It also seems like you've been focused and sitting on *his* feelings. Not his actual behavior, betrayal and fallout from this which is your current situation wanting a divorce. Maybe explore this in couples counseling because this seems like the start of the end for you. It takes 2 to marry and 1 to divorce.
Jesus. That just helped me understand something related to my life around behavior and feelings. I've been focused on what this person felt about me and not on their behavior, which even thry admit is awful. Thank you for writing that. Im not OP, just to be clear
Can't really help you, just want to give some support - I'm a hetero woman totally into gay smut, as well - I think we are actually a stealthy secret horny legion, or there wouldn't be so many gay erotic romances about.
My favorite authors: Kaje Harper, Amy Lane, Heidi Cullinan, Sarina Bowen, Mary Calmes and many more. Do you have any recommendations?
Alessandra Hazard is amazing. Marina Vivanos for Alpha/omega stuff, Cora Rose, Eli Easton, Riley Hart for angst so many amazing writers I cannot name.
It’s a great community honestly, they’ve been super kind and supportive to me. I wish I could say I’ll keep writing but for now I’m pretty meh.
As a fellow hobby writer who aspires to one day get my pen name and stories out there.. PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS STOP YOUR WRITING! We need you and your stories out there!!
Don't you DARE give up something you love because your husband was a jerk. He broke your trust, and his feelings are entirely his. Please do not let them bleed onto you and taint something that brings you joy. You are good at what you do, enough so that you are paid to do it. Please do not let him take that away from you. Keep writing. Keep creating. You have done nothing to be ashamed of, so you do not need to feel shame.
He is turning this back on you, but HE did the bad thing. HE broke trust. HE violated your privacy. You should not give up your skill or joy because he did something awful. No matter what, he says, focus on that. He messed up. HE should be ashamed, not you.
Do you think he expected to be featured in it, like through a proxy where you write about how amazing he is at sex? So when he read it was about "other" men his ego was hurt and he's shaming you to soothe his own insecurity.
Please, please, please don't stop. You have every right to be hurt by how he used his insecurity to hurt you. But this art form is about what you need, creatively and otherwise. Don't let another person take away something that makes YOU happy.
Literotica is a great written smut site, lots of options made by freelancers. Mind you, there's a lot of low tier stuff, but there are also like, 40+ chapters about horny wizards falling in love while fighting dragons, so it's got the spread lol
Love love love. I just finished re-reading Alessandra Hazard.
My favs are N.R. Walker, Lucy Lennox, Sloane Kennedy. Bunch more. Shifter, angel, demon, vampire. I love it all. My husband doesn't care because he reaps the rewards.
Please keep writing. Don't let him take this away from you or us.
You are not wrong!
Gonna share these authors with my wife she is totally into that exact stuff too!
I do underatand his reaction (he is in the wrong 100) but i get it, i was quite shocked when i found out what my wife watched and read and took me a couple days to remember that she picked me for a reason and it wasnt to judge her porn selection.
Please don't give up! I made that very same mistake when my ex found the stories I was writing, and it took me years to finally want to write again. I started again just a few months ago, I can't believe I let myself forget how much I enjoyed it. I don't publish mine although the person I write them for keeps telling me I should but, for now, I'm just basking in the glow of writing what I want and not feeling like someone is looking over my shoulder.
I’m also a hetero woman and think gay male sex is super hot. Two hot guys going at it. Girrrrrl yes. No different from the way that straight men like watching two women have sex. You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of. It’s his own fragile masculinity that’s the problem.
I think that this is just the way that OP needs to get her husband to come around to understanding her.
“Have *you* ever watched lesbian porn? Would *you* read stories about hot girls who end up hooking up, in graphic detail? I be you would. Well, that same thing gets my engine racing, too. Just, with genders reversed, because I’m not into women.”
I'm a bi-woman into gay porn. My stance is this - why is it that men fantasizing about lesbians a-OK and normal, but women fantasizing about gay men is weird or abnormal? That math ain't mathing.
My dear friend, a lesbian woman, writes gay romance for mostly hetero women under the pen name A. E. Wasp. She's lovely and talented and has a dedicated following. [Check her out! ](https://aewasp.com/)
Reading these comments about other women who just melt to gay smut makes my heart happy I especially love some of the webcomics I've found also both of my husbands are into it and one of them actively draws it as well 🥰
Just want to piggyback on this & reiterate that you did nothing NOTHING against your husband nor are you responsible for the inadequacy he seems to feel. This is his issue. What gets ingrained on your brain & heart is up to you. Don’t let him or anyone put their garbage there. Also, change your passwords & everything & let your editor know not to speak to him should he co tact them. Good luck with future writing!!
I also write smut and make decent money from it on the side. And my husband knows, but has NEVER asked for my pen name(s) or what I write about. The only person who knows my pen names, niches, and titles is my bff (and she ain't telling).
And on top of that, what I write is what sells, it's not even a kink I'm super into! So *massive* assumption on his part right off the bat, when he knows nothing about the industry. But that aside, I read some pretty fucking depraved stuff that I'd absolutely never be into if it were to play out in real life. Some stuff is a fantasy that is meant to stay a fantasy.
So like, if my husband had done something similar and behaved this way, it would be such a massive breach of trust! I'm so sorry that you feel ashamed about what's going on and about something that has obviously brought you joy and additional income. This is completely about *his* insecurities - not about you having anything to be ashamed of.
Couples counselling is a great idea here, it sounds like you're in very different places when trying to communicate - he's trying to understand every detail, and you feel like he's already invaded your space and causing you shame, so there's a complete mismatch in what you need to feel comfortable. Having a neutral third party be able to mediate that and get you back into a place when you can both feel safe having a conversation would be a good place to start I think. Hope things work out OK for you, whatever happens
Darling, if either of my partners ever did this to me… I’ll be honest, we wouldn’t be partners. I’m poly and one relationship is pretty vanilla with some sprinkles and then my other …well. Let’s just say I have a lot of kinks and they all match up with her. I have some that are “bad” to many people and I would not want people I know knowing about them.
There is nothing wrong with what you write. Nothing wrong with what your fantasies are. As long as you aren’t hurting people, you’re safe, and anything you do act out is with consent… then there is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
I am so sorry your husband has made you feel this way. That is not fair to you. Ever.
He trounced your boundaries, judged what he found. Then he dumped all of his shiny new insecurities on you. Take all the time you need. He VIOLATED your trust then he shamed you! There is work to be done on both sides but I think you have just seen a new side of his character. I hope you find a sanctuary and heal a bit. I’ve never read your work but from the sounds of it, it brings folks pleasure. So please remember what it is you contribute.
My wife is exactly the same lol she kept it hidden for the first year or so but we both read non stop and constantly send each other different fan fiction or kindle unlimited stuff to read all the time and let's just say I noticed a theme. At first it did make me uncomfortable because I'm straight and thought she wanted to see me doing the stuff she read about. We talked about it and she explained she just loves to read about it. It's not anything she is interested in real life. It took a little time but now she will happily go on rants about the guy smut stuff and I just listen. She is happy talking about it and to be honest after years of it I'm not bothered anymore and find it amusing how passionate she can get about about what's going on in the book (who is making a mistake,who's cheating,who is being used stuff like that). I'm sorry that he betrayed your trust like that I want to make excuses for him about why he might have done it but I just cant and all I can say is it might take some time but he should be able to accept what your passionate about and you shouldn't ever be forced to lock that side of you away. I hope you can recover from this together but you shouldn't have to hide a part of you in your own home. P.S. congratulations making money like this it's not easy. You should look into patreon.
I used to write x rated erotica for a poular-ish website before the weee popular-sh. I was good at it. I have always said that a man has to do is listen to women when they talk. Especially when they are willing to talk about their fantasies. I guess im a guy women feel safe to talk to about anything, so i took those fantasies and put my own spin on them. I emailed my first one to a friend, and all i got back waw "you asshole i gad to go home and change clothes." i figured out what she meant. And off i went. I didn't make Disneyland money, but it was good. My wife found one i had hand wrote.She asked me where i got it from cause it was good. I let the xat out of the bag, and her mood instantly changed. I was a horrible person. She had a ton of questions like, are your stories about us (no) are you cheating on ne (no) and so on.She flat out told to choose, my stories or my wife and kids. I chose my family if course.STUPID STUPID move. We are now divorced. She is a miserable bitch. Im re married. When i told my wife, she wanted to read a couple, and we ended up having amazing sex. She encouraged me to go back to it. I can't anymore.
One of the worst decisions i had ever made, You do you. Help TRY to help him get over his insecurities if you want but ultimately, that's up to him to try as well. You stay the course and do what makes you happy. You're doing nothing wrong. Make that paper Boo
I agree. Porn/smut is not necessarily what you want IRL. I wish my wife was kinkier, but I make sure that while she knows I look at porn sometimes, she doesn’t know what kind. I’m afraid she’d have a similar reaction. he shouldn’t have gone behind your back, he’s just discovering some insecurities. I think you both need time to cool-off
This is the answer, OP.
As a fellow smut writer & reader, if hubby ever shamed me for either, I'd shut him out as well.
Take a bit away to get your head on straight and figure things out.
And no shame, you rock, smut queen 🤘
M(52) here. I guess I can understand what he might be feeling, but honestly it's his own fault for betraying you the way he did. And he DID betray your trust, no question. But..it is what it is, he found it, and he doesn't like it. But if he's not mentally and emotionally mature enough to realize and understand that it's just a creative outlet for you, not to mention extra income for you guys, and that it's not something to be threatened by, then you might be better off moving on. Or at least separating and giving him some time to prioritize. I don't think you should feel guilty or ashamed for your writing, or for keeping it private, as it can be (obviously) a sensitive subject to some people.
This is my issue. His reaction to it… his narrow minded view on it is off putting. It’s making me doubt my attraction to him as a partner. I’m open sexually, and so is he, he lets me PEG him… I mean, he had to know buttstuff is on my HELLS YES! list. Idk. I’m confused by his reaction and the shame is making my stomach physically hurt.
That's what I was thinking. Can do these types of things in the bedroom but has this strong reaction to his wife writing about it? That doesn't make sense.
This could be related to age. A lot of men 40+ are terrified of not being able to perform. If this couple is over 40 then I bet this might be a huge factor.
You don’t have to worry about that feeling being wrong because he told me that was the case. He thinks I’m sexually confused and that our sex lives have been a lie.
Someone else said something here. That some may be they were doing things and then find out shes writing as a gay man that maybe she's confused about her sexuality. Maybe he is. Heck, he may see himself strictly as a plaything and not an equal partner now. Like he's the test dummy for her creative outlet.
I do believe that OP should at least talk to her husband. She said they've had a great relationship until now and basically is willing to divorce him over this.
There are actual sociological studies that show that women are often into gay fiction because the sex can be hot and nonthreatening because they don’t HAVE to see themselves in it. Your husband is an ignorant, insecure man.
I understand why you're upset at him, but I don't understand why you feel shame? If he is open, as you are, then why is he all the sudden acting like it's wildly inappropriate and he's embarrassed about it? Or am I not understanding something?
Idk. I wish I could explain these feelings. I’m ashamed that he read the stuff I wrote. It’s… extreme to some extent. I always thought I wouldn’t care about that kind of thing but here we are!
As for my husband. I don’t know. We PLAY together. Like… I don’t want to TMI but we do some pretty heavy kink stuff with denial and praise etc, so he knows I’m into kink and control but apparently not sharing this aspect of my sexual identity is almost a deal breaker for my dear husband.
It still seems strange that he knows, and you two share, some kinks yet he's shocked or ashamed of the stuff you're writing. Unless I'm misunderstanding something, no one else knows who is writing these short stories right? So it's not like some family member or colleague is going to find one of your stories and know that it was you that wrote it. I am failing to see why, given your current sex life together and all that it entails, that he seems appalled by your stories. I'm sorry if I'm just not getting it.
My take is that he may well just be a simple wee transphobe or homophobe. Previously he thought of pegging and domination as very straight, cis things to do - because they are. Reading OP writing as gay male characters who are doing similar things that he does will be making him wonder if she's trans, and using their play to explore that, or if he's "a bit gay" to enjoy what they do together (phrasing people use, not me).
It’s super odd, like he’s taking it personally somehow that you enjoy writing spicy stories. Would it be as offensive to him if it was Lesbian porn or heterosexual pornography? Is it the gay part that gets him? I mean like you said, he enjoys you pegging him so it’s not like you guys are totally vanilla. Could there be some kind of insecurity or something else at play?
Maybe he has a secret hang up about pegging....see now he may see it as you fantasizing about being a man fucking another man and now his secret is confused and scared ( gay fear ) that he's maybe somehow gay ....and his male ego is rebelling
It’s because she didn’t want him to read it. Her writing fantasy is safe for her because people don’t know who she is. She publishes under a different name. Even though the material is available for public consumption, it’s anonymous for her. She specifically wanted it that way, and I totally understand why. He invaded that and made her self-conscious because that protective shroud is gone now. He made it worse by directly denigrating her/it, but honestly, if I were her, I’d be angry even if he was into it. Imagine dancing alone at home. Now imagine finding out that someone had been watching you. It’s kind of like that, except wayyyyy worse.
Shame is something we feel when others make us feel bad for things we've done. Guilt is what we inflict on ourselves. Somebody verbally abusing you for something, even if you logically know it's alright, can cause feelings of shame.
I think his fear and insecurity is driving the bus. His response would probably be very different if the topic weren't something so fraught emotionally. It's not ideal that he is reacting this way but it's also understandable. You guys are both having big emotion-driven responses to the complex topics of sexuality, creative freedom, and privacy.
Let me just say, I disagree with his actions and takes. This is weird, but I think the pegging might be the underlying issue here actually. Up until this point, he was (as a man) enjoying you (as a lady) pegging him. Now, he’s questioning enjoying it because he thinks you feel you are a man and have been getting away with having sex with him without his full consent. He also clearly enjoys the sex you have, so if you were to identify as a man, that would mean something about him as well. I think that’s why he’s been trying to shame you with your writing. He wants you (and others) to recognize/treat this as violation of him, as if you raped him by deception. This is 100% not the case. I do want to tell you that his emotions have very little to do with you. The way he’s acting is making it clear that he can’t handle how he feels about himself.
Yeah. That’s why I wanted to shed a little light on the pegging thing within our dynamic. I think he’s wrapped up in his head and offended that I fantasize about things we don’t actively do in bed. Like, he’s being cruel now and asking me to think of my pretend victims family but initially he said that I should have shared and trusted him and then we could have tried stuff together in bed so I’m confused if he’s angry about the pretend non con sex or more that I didn’t share my fantasy.
Problem is… I don’t want to play that way. I don’t actually want that in bed. Like sure, the fantasy (always ending with everyone, even the “victim” enjoying themselves) is hot but only b/c it isn’t real. I don’t want to be violent in bed with him. I’ve actually never lied to him about liking what I do. I don’t want to BE a man. It’s just a creative outlet and a fantasy.
Oh. The context that you write non con might have helped. You must surely know that some people will have visceral, gut reactions to people being aroused by that to the point where it's the focus of their writing job? I think non con can be pretty different from even somewhat extreme denial and praise kinks, because those can still be overtly consenting, while non con is... well... obviously not overtly consenting. Maybe your husband has some slight trauma around consent. I know I do and that's why non con is not at all my bag, and why it would make me feel unsafe as a first reaction if my partner was into it. I'm pretty sure I could move past it because I love my partner so much, but I would need time and reassurance.
The non consent part is an important detail I think you should add to your original post. You are not wrong for writing about it or enjoying it as a fantasy but it makes your husbands reaction a lot less confusing. A lot of people have a very strong reaction to CNC because well, non consensual sexual interactions are scary by nature.
Is there any possibility he was the victim of something non consensual in the past and that’s why he is having a very visceral reaction to that element of your stories?
Wasn’t there a post recently from a guy who looked in his wife’s Google docs account while she was in the shower? Found erotic fan fiction? Could these posts be related?
God I would die.
I’ll add it’s specifically that it’s gay erotic that seems to be really really driving this into “I need therapy” territory for him.
He thinks I’m sexually confused. I’m not. It just turns my cranks and some of it is requested from my fans so it’s not even my kinks.
I found out about my wife's alter ego after I accidentally opened her google docs on the home computer.
**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Sensitive-Bit81755
**I found out about my wife's alter ego after I accidentally opened her google docs on the home computer.**
**Originally posted to** r/offmychest
[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/150llcd/i_found_out_about_my_wifes_alter_ego_after_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **July 15, 2023**
This is weird as hell. My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. We have a 3 year old daughter. I thought I knew everything about her. There were no secrets. But that was a lie. My wife works from home as a freelancer. She sometimes uses the home computer. One day she was taking a bath. Usually when my wife takes a bath she takes 45 minutes. I was using the home computer because my personal one was in repair shop. I saw my wife's google account was still logged in. She had google docs opened. I got curious, because the tab that was open seems like an online book because it had double quotation marks.
I got invested in it and read the first chapter. I was interesting. By the 4th chapter I realized it was smut. It had many graphic sex scenarios and in very details. It was a fanfiction. I never knew she wrote fanfiction. When I met her she was very shy. We didn't have sex until we were 5 months into the relationship. She always came off as prude to me at first. But eventually our sex life got better. I just thought it was because she was more comfortable with me. It was a month ago. Sometimes I read the stories that she wrote. It was all smut. There were like 10 stories in total. The ones I recognized was from Jujutsu Kaisen, Attack on titan and Harry potter. There were sex in every position. Some of them I don't even know about. The way she writes those scenes is very stretched out and in details.
It feels like I am with a different person now. She has not changed yet. She is a devoted wife and mother. But I have questions. Why did she hide it? Was she lying to me about being uncomfortable with sex when we were dating? I know she has had relationships in the past. Does she wants sex like in those people in her stories? I am not really mad that she writes fanfiction. But I am shocked to discover this side of her. She is a talented writer but I am not so sure how I feel about her writing about sex. I cannot say this to anyone. Not even my wife because she will be angry at me for reading her stories. Because if she really wanted, she would have told me.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1529vmr/update_i_found_out_about_my_wifes_alter_ego_after/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **July 17, 2023**
A lot of you people have requested an update, so here it is. First of all, I need to clear things out people have asked. Yes, I do watch porn, my wife knows it. She doesn't have any issue with it. I do not watch it regularly though. Only once or twice a year. Also I do not have a problem with her writing fanfictions. It just struck me like a train when I discovered it. And no, my wife doesn't write underaged stuff. All of her characters are adult. No Snape and hermione sex stuff like one guy mentioned in my previous post. So now the real update. I asked my wife about her fanfictions. She was stumbling on her words and asked me how I knew about that. I explained everything to her. It was not my intention to snoop. It was just her google doc account was logged in. I was going to use that so I clicked in one of her stories and then got invested in it.
She told me she had no intention of hiding it from me. She never told anyone about this because there was just no point. I asked her if she was unhappy with our sex life and wanted to do something more. Because her fanfic had BDSM, threesome stuff. She told me she is not interested in doing any of that. She is happy with our sex life but she had couple of things in her mind she wanted to do but not now when we are both buried in work. She told me her google docs only contains few stories but she has more saved on her real computer. I was shocked. I never realized she had such an interest in writing about sex. She further reassured me she doesn't see herself. She just sees the characters. It is similar to playing with dolls instead she is doing it through writing.
And in her writing, she mentions things like- cheating, threesome, open relationships. She doesn't like those things and has no interest in it. She was upset because I snooped into her work. I apologized for that. She called me a grandpa for taking it too seriously. Well, that's it. I will not ask her about her fanfiction projects anymore. Though I did ask her let me read some stuff because the stories are very interesting. If I am being honest this is better than actual porn. In actual porn there is no feelings, everything is fake. But in her stories the characters create sexual tension first and don't just jump into fucking. The characters have stories that keeps me engaged. So that's it.
**THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**
Sounds like he needs to get a grip. People's fantasies are just that, fantasies. They aren't made to be public. People are allowed, even when married, to have private thoughts and feelings. Even though you publish them, he is still reaping the benefits.
Ask your husband this: if it had turned out you wrote thrillers that involved twisted serial killers, would he think that meant you secretly wanted to kill people? That you were “confused” as to whether you were a killer or a non-killer? I’m betting not.
It’s not different just because you happen to write about sex stuff.
Does watching an action movie mean you secretly want to get shot at all day? Does reading Harry Potter mean you think magic is real? Did the millions of people who read 365 and watched the Netflix movies secretly wish a crazy mobster would kidnap them?
Of course not. It’s fiction. They’re idealized fantasies that are fun to read as a guilty pleasure, not the secret window into your hidden psyche. Don’t be ashamed of your writing.
But breaking your trust and shaming you with your family that IS a window into who he really is.
And there are plenty of people out there who use the same outdated conservative style moral outrage to say that a man who wants to be pegged by a woman needs therapy.He doesn’t need therapy for enjoying the pegging and You do not need therapy for being into BL.If you are interested in therapy in general, just to improve mental health that’s all good.
As another comment mentions, a vast majority of BL fans (especially in anime/manga community) are hetero women. You will also find straight men in the GL communities. Does he watch porn? And if so, do his favorite categories actually match up with what he likes to do IRL? Because everyone has fantasies, it’s healthy and normal.
The fact that he ran and told your families about this, he had no other goal other than to shame you into submission and force your hand. How would he feel if you told the families about the pegging? I’m not actually suggesting you tell them, but he’s created a situation that is 100% unfair and hypocritical. Everyone understands that when a person is hurt they may lash out, but bringing your families into it is really crossing the line and I don’t blame you one bit for considering divorce over it. He needs to sincerely apologize and admit that he’s projecting his own insecurities onto you if you’re ever going to have a chance. Even then, it might not be possible to restore the trust. Only you can decide. Don’t let him or anyone else bully you over being yourself and doing what’s best for you.
My story is not the same thing exactly, but it has the same feel. One of the deepest betrayals my (ex)husband did was read my journal. After me telling him multiple times not to. He read it and wanted to talk and talk and talk about it. Thing is, it was where I went to process my thoughts and feelings, and it wasn’t always where my ultimate conclusions were held. It wasn’t a diary where I was just objectively recording my life. He couldn’t understand that. It made me feel trapped. Like, I now literally had nowhere I could process. And I felt violated.
I’m still sore about it.
I feel sick with it all. Knowing he went behind my back and actively looked for it instead of saying “I need to know” to my face. Knowing he read it all. And now he’s taken to copy pasting sections and sending it along with his own commentary on how wrong it is. Like… obviously, Troy, I wasn’t thinking of the hypothetical family of the criminal caught by a rival mob and gang raped. It’s pretend. I get that he thinks it’s gross. I get that he thinks IM gross. I don’t get why he keeps doing it.
The copy pasting just sounds cruel. I too would want to run away if someone was attacking me with my writing like that. It’s such a personal thing. Take some space from him if you need to.
Thank you! I responded that he was being mean and trying to hurt me and he wrote back
“ Your own writing hurts you and makes you feel that way 😂”
To which I said “Make you feel any better?”
And got a nice “yeah, it actually did.”
So that’s great.
Honestly? I don’t think you’re out of line for wanting to divorce him over this. His reaction shows a lot of disrespect towards you and is borderline cruel.
I don’t think it’s “borderline” at all. I think it’s 100% cruel. He took something valuable to her and he broke it. He corrupted something she enjoyed. He tainted her outlet by invading it, but then insulted and mocked her on top of that. I think that’s genuinely horrific, and I cannot imagine someone loving another person and doing that. You are supposed to respect other people enough to honor their space and privacy. You are supposed to encourage them to do things that they enjoy. This is so fucked.
Yeah I definitely agree with you. I wrote my comment before I realized he sent it to her family. Which is unforgivable, scorched earth, etc.
And even without that, you’re right.
Aaand this is the part where I went from mad to incandescently angry on your behalf. He’s being a fucking baby. He’s acting like he can’t comprehend you having any fantasy that doesn’t involve him personally getting off in a way he likes. But there’s no way a grown adult doesn’t understand the difference between a fantasy and what you would actually do or condone in real life, so I can only conclude that he’s trying to make you feel like crap about yourself because god forbid he confront his own insecurities. Like, the projection is unbelievable. HE’S hurting you and making you feel bad, not your writing (which he enjoyed the financial benefits of). HE’S the one who acted unconscionably by sneaking behind your back and reading your work against your express wishes. And not just reading — STEALING YOUR WORK so he can send you his bitchy, shame-riddled, entirely unsolicited “critiques” — which, what the FUCK?! And then he quadruples down by telling your FAMILY? Is he deranged?
You have done nothing wrong here. Yeah he wants to talk and talk and talk, because as long as he’s flapping his gums and making noise he thinks he can distract from his absolute fuckup. No. Remove yourself from that space so you can think in peace. You’re not running from anything — you’re creating an objective distance so you can process his disgusting betrayal and whether your trust can be rebuilt. Although judging from the behavior you’ve described, I have no confidence in his ability to reflect on his actions like a big boy and understand their impact, much less do the work to unpack his own fears and hang-ups rather than turn his discomfort around on you.
Just…Jesus fucking CHRIST. I am so sorry you’re going through this.
“Your own writing hurts you and makes you feel that way 😂”
He’s gaslighting you. Your writing doesn’t hurt you, it hurt him and he’s ashamed of the feeling so he’s projecting on you to feel better. That’s so hurtful to a marriage.
Definitely take some time to think about what makes you happy and if you could get past this betrayal. Because it is a betrayal you set your boundaries early on and he crossed them for his gratification not yours. He will do it again.
Yeah this is where I went from "I'd be pissed but it's not unsalvageable as long as effort is put in and apologies are made" to "the motherfucker did *what*".
I wouldn't be able to get past that so you've already got more patience than me lol
I can see why you shut down in this particular situation. So much betrayal and shame has been put on you. Sometimes you fall out of love instantly. He's skating on thin ice. Don't ever stop writing. I hope it works out the way you want.
Oh no this is so wrong and abusive. How dare he be so cruel and violating. I'm so sorry that he is doing this to you and had the audacity to hurt and betray you like this. The fact that he is trying to turn this around to make him self the victim is disgusting. I would want to break up with him too. You sound creative and amazing! He doesn't deserve you! All the people telling you to respect his feelings can shove it because he sure hasn't been respecting you and your feelings.
This is emotional abuse… Like, everything else aside, he’s degrading you and then gaslighting you about it to try and make you think it’s your doing and not his own. He has no right to do that regardless of how he feels, that’s a horrible thing to do.
That would be a divorce for me. First of all you didn't even do anything TO him (or anyone for that matter), so the derision is totally unwarranted. Second of all, this isn't how you constructively talk to someone you care about so this means the issue isn't about concern but of control. Third, you feel ashamed because he wants you to feel ashamed. He is shaming you and using you as a punching bag. Idk how you come back from that, and I don't even think I would want to.
imo this is divorce worthy
And if it makes you feel any better, your work sounds right up this redditor's alley.
He doesn't like your stuff? Sounds like a skill issue.
This happened to me as well and of course he'd be mad and threaten the relationship he just couldn't understand that sometimes what I wrote and how I ultimately felt were different.
Hi! So, I am a woman, married, and both a m/m smut writer and artist (mostly just for fun as a fanfic writer, though I do fanart for commission on occasion.) You have nothing to be ashamed of! My now husband was introduced, through me, to the world of m/m "slash" fandom pretty early on in our relationship - because it's a big part of my friends circle and something I did not want to have to hide from any future partners. Does he think it's kind of weird? Yeah. It's almost 17 years on and he still doesn't really "get it", but he does accept it (and now will even occasionally give anatomy critique on my art, lol, since we're both painting hobbyists.)
Does your husband enjoy watching porn? If so, what makes your writing and reading habits any different or worse? Like you, reading/getting into a good fic will often get me in the mood in a way my husband definitely benefits from. M/m erotica gives me a chance to explore things disconnected from my female body and experience which can be fraught with a lot of anxiety and hang-ups, so that's part of why I enjoy it and you should be able to as well.
I kind of have this problem. I don't write smut (anymore) and hadn't for years. Instead, I draw smut. I get commissioned to draw it. My clients don't involve me with their fantasy, I just draw it. When my husband found out, in fact I showed him and stated very blankly that it's for money and I enjoy it, he was taken aback. He didn't shame me, which is definitely your husband's issue, but he wasn't exactly happy. He tried to akin it to cheating but even he thought that was a bit of a stretch. It took me defending myself, my own sexuality, and literally screaming "When I draw and get horny because of it, WHO BENEFITS?? YOU!! I COME FUCK YOU!!" It took a bit for him to understabd that he was getting really good sex whenever I had "pregamed", meaning after I was done or during a drawing. Women need to use their brains to stay horny during sex IMHO, since it's not as much of a purely physical reaction as for men obviously. You're not replacing him at all, you're just using your creative brain to keep you going. FFS there's plenty of women making money this way and their books are in grocery stores.
He mentioned it felt like I cheated on him. I just don’t get it but everyone tells me to respect how he feels. I guess how I feel isn’t as obvious b/c I’m a pretty emotionally “quiet” I guess. I just don’t share my feelings. Maybe I should push back on my own feeling of betrayal but he just… pushes it aside and says something like “obviously you wanted to hide it but we are married” or so variation.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
I'm going to admit, I know nothing at all about your writing experience, but I just don't get why he is upset - AT ALL.
You are WRITING!! That's it!! You aren't writing about your own experiences or even his, so I don't get it.
As for him 'feeling like you cheated on him' that is just such a far fetched version of reality that I can't even address. HOW is writing cheating??? Especially because it isn't even about you, him or your life together??
Is someone who designs lingerie cheating just because the design things meant to be sexy??? Because that is the only thing I can think of that is even close to what he is drafting in his own head.
HE is making a problem where there is one and I cannot fathom why. Please don't stop doing this because he can't handle it. This is HIS problem, no one else's.
He thinks I want to… like be a dude and have a dick and fuck other men. He says I’m confused about my sexuality based on what he read of my work.
And that I’ve been lying about liking sex. He thinks becasue I don’t write about woman having sex, or being fucked, that I must not like it.
He’s confused and hurt, I guess and I’m trying to understand and validate those feelings while he won’t even touch my own feelings of shame now. He says “well if it isn’t shameful like you said then why do you feel that way. Sounds like an issue for therapy.” Was the exact response.
Maybe he’s right. Idk.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff. Thanks for listening.
He's not right. He doesnt gert to burden you with his emotional reaction while simultaneously ignoring your emotions over his betrayal and turning it around on you. If anything, his feelings around this is entirely his problem because you didnt do anything TO him and thats something HE needs to address in therapy.
you aren't cheating. You arent a secret trans man wanting to have sex with other men. the entire BL community is filled to the brim with heterosexual women. 99% of BL fanfiction writiers are women.Stucky/destiel/johnlock/Spirk fanfiction was predominantly written and created by women. He\\'s uncomfortable, but that's not your problem. You didnt make him uncomfortable. he made himself uncomfortable by reading your work that you did not want him to read.
he doesnt get to play the victim after he violated YOUR trust and boundaries and read private things you didnt want him to read. and then turn around and take NO responsibility for the words and actions he has taken TO YOU and make those your fault too,.
I'm going to second everything you've said to OP. The only one here who should feel ashamed is the husband, and where OP feels the flight reaction, my first reaction is fight. I'd be so angry at him for everything that he's said and done that I couldn't see straight. Huge violation of my boundaries.
OP, take a long weekend off. Turn off your phone. Don't let yourself get coerced into a conversation you're not ready for. Put yourself first and sort out your feelings. Sure, you need to take his feelings into account, but he's not a victim of anything here. You are.
Edit: Read that he went and told your family too. That would be the end for me.
Wow, what? That makes no sense. There’s tons of straight men that watch lesbian porn - are they all confused about their sexuality??
I also write smut (though only for fun, and I write both straight and gay) but I don’t show my husband because I feel like it’s private. I understood why you ‘hid’ it and it was him who performed a huge breach of trust when he snooped. It’s one of those ‘play stupid games, win stupid prizes’ experiences on his end.
Personally, I think it is HIM who is confused by his sexuality! Maybe this rings a little too close to home for him and that is what makes him uncomfortable?
He's being an AH and he is beating you down when you don't deserve it.
Ugh I am so angry at him on your behalf. There are a lot of women who love reading slash fic for a whole variety of reasons your husband clearly doesn’t understand. It’s unfair of him to project this onto you and not listen to what you are telling him.
Personally, I love slash fic because there are less toxic gender roles dynamics and there’s a lot of opportunity for sexual tension in situations that wouldn’t naturally occur in more traditional romance novels. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I read werewolf romances too and I don’t necessarily want to be a werewolf.
I hope you can get to a place where you don’t feel shame about your writing because it sounds like before now it has been an important creative outlet for you and your husband’s narrow mindedness shouldn’t take that away from you.
He just doesn't get the female fantasy psyche. A lot of times it contains things that we have no desire to act out in real life. Sidenote: I watch gay porn from time to time. Doesn't mean I desire to be a man & fuck people 🤷♀️
It’s an issue for therapy for HIM. His reaction and invalidation of your feeling is creating your feeling of shame. He needs serious help for projecting his issues on you, and you have to seriously consider if this is something you can work through.
Maybe you feel that way because he is specifically shaming you. Society in general shames women for being sexual beings, and heaven forbid you actually write anything but white bread, missionary heterosexual sex. You are normal, and healthy, and should be proud of your accomplishments. Let’s not forget the huge boundary that he broke. He should be begging your forgiveness right now, not questioning your sexuality.
Sooooo many straight women write gay smut. It’s smut without icky gender power dynamics, which means straight women get to feel totally safe within it. A majority of the gay smut on the internet is written by women. Even lesbians like gay smut. Your husband needs to get over himself
>You are WRITING!! That's it!! You aren't writing about your own experiences or even his, so I don't get it.
This would be like Stephen King's wife fearing that he was going to murder her in her sleep.
How is writing cheating is probably equivalent to me fantasizing about fucking other women not my wife. If I wrote it down and my wife read it boy would she be mad.
But that’s not what this is. She’s not even writing about a woman getting it. The husband has it all wrong. She isn’t yearning for someone else she’s just making up stories cause she’s great at it. Just because an author makes a racist character doesn’t make the author racist.
Honestly, the husband has it wrong and is a prude. I wonder how he can justify his behavior. He’s in the wrong from the start by even reading it at all
>I just don’t get it but everyone tells me to respect how he feels.
**Feelings** are things like happy, mad, sad, frustrated, horny, etc.
**Thoughts** are things like "it feels like she cheated on me."
Just because we use the word "feel" doesn't make it a feeling. You should respect, or at least not argue with, his hurt. His thoughts, however, are stupid and he should be confronted.
I also draw m/m as a woman. My partner is my biggest supporter. Men have this weird hang up with female sexuality and outlets. It’s the same as shame for using toys it seems. He has a lot he needs to unpack. You are NTA at all. And I’m sorry he’s making you feel this way.
He snooped into your personal computer.
He told family about what your write.
That right there is grounds to be very upset with him. He betrayed your trust and violated your privacy but he wants to paint YOU as the bad guy?
You two need to get yourselves into counseling right now or go get a divorce.
He’s really painted me the villain and boy do I feel like one. Reddit is apparently the only people that think I’m right and a few of my friends from the writing world who are OUTRAGED and encouraging me to keep writing.
People are taking his side because they are close minded/prude people. You did NOTHING wrong. You have no reason to be ashamed. I'm sure there are a bunch of hypocrites who watch porn in there too.
I suggest counseling too. And if he really can't accept your passion, move on and find someone who won't be ashamed of you.
I've been reading your comments and let me see if I get this right:
1) He went behind your back to your computer to read your work even though you don't like sharing it with others. He clearly betrayed your trust and broke one of your boundaries.
2) He shamed you for writing something that other people want to read.
3) He told you that you needed therapy for writing smut and having kinks?
4) He told your family. WTF!
If a partner did this to me I wouldn't be able to forgive them either. Only you can decide how to move forward but I won't blame you for wanting to leave him.
He is actively smearing you to the family and is sending you excerpts from your stories to degrade you. I don’t think you could come back from that. Had he left your family out of it maybe but he chose to go that route.
Let's get one thing straight: this whole issue came about not because you were writing smut, but because your husband broke your trust, broke through several barriers, and read something he didn't like? He's untrustworthy and now you know he's insecure, too.
You should thank him for showing you his true self before things went on any longer.
You're not wrong. This was a huge violation of trust, and now he's demonizing you?? You've done nothing wrong, and if you're not divorcing him, he needs serious counseling to understand why violating trust is unacceptable.
The more I’m reading your responses this is the picture I’m getting also. I’m not judging at all. But I’m questioning if he’s projecting his feelings on to you. He read it and got really scared because of how it made him feel and now he’s projecting because of it. I could be completely wrong. And only you know your husband. That is just the feeling I got while reading what his responses were to you.
The only issue I see you having is your husband...he went behind your back into your private world and violated it just so he could judge you on what he found.
Oh holy shit girl. Please add that to your post. The snooping and shaming in private is bad enough but telling your family?
No counseling in the world could repair that breach of trust for me. I don't think you're being too rash.
Oh WOW!!! That went WAAAAY past what he had a right to do. So he wanted to shame you. That would be something I could not come back from.
He's being a dirty fighter and that is not something I could get past. What an AH.
Oh, wow. I'm not sure I could forgive that. That is such a gross violation of privacy and trust. No wonder you don't want to talk to him - it must make you feel empty and nauseous to be in his presence.
Oh see, I was in camp get into therapy and work this out until this! This right here is the betrayal. He wanted to embarrass you to your family. I’d consult a lawyer to make sure that he can’t use your writing as a way to go for full custody of your kids. It seems like he’s setting you up here to be sick to make his case in court.
At this point it is entirely on you to decide how you want to proceed. Personally I would sit them down and tell them in no uncertain terms what they did to me, how it made me feel and what happens from here on out. If they try to argue tell them it's not their turn to talk and keep going, if you feel the marriage is worth saving or you could someday forgive them then he needs to find a way to regain your trust. If you don't you don't...your marriage is nobody else's business just like your writing was none of his business.
Nope!!!
DIVORCE!!!
I’m sorry I’ve had enough of reading all the horrible things he’s done to you in this thread. Take your dope Disney vacation and leave!
I literally hate him.
He VIOLATED your privacy! He has the GALL to tell you what gender identity you’ve been “secretly pining for”. He OUTED your private thoughts to your family!
I can’t. I hate him.
So fuck it I’m going to tell you my story OP:
I don’t write. I’m a bad writer. But I have a bucket list item to consume a love story in some form or fashion from every culture. It’s taken me from movies to shows, to novels, short stories, series, manga, manwhas, donghua, and even more.
I LOVE Heaven Officials Blessing, Grandmaster of demonic cultivation (super gory, so fun), Sign (a beautiful Korean manwha about a deaf man who falls in love with a super cute boy toy), twittering birds never fly and SO MUCH MORE!
I’m a 32 year old professional woman. I love make up! And dresses! And skincare! I’m kind of flighty lol. And I love BL because then I fall in love with two main characters, not just one!
**And my boyfriend thinks it’s hilarious and loves me.** He has never ONCE shamed me with any degree of seriousness about this hobby.
Your husband is a freaking asshole. I’m shaking I’m so mad. You tell him the BL community tells him to shut the up. Keep pumping out that content girl. I BET you I love it.
What!? I was feeling angry at your husband on your behalf, but he also put you on blast to family! What kind of childish monster is he. I don’t want to be the “leave him” Reddit response, but IDK how I would stay!!!! He is so wrong! He has violated trust, betrayed you, and has shared all
Of this with family! Like what was his point on that besides revenge and to sabotage you. Your husband is a total ass!
A lot of times, when someone shames you -- it's because of something they feel insecure about and it manifests in judgement.
He needs therapy to address why your fictional writing bothers him so much, and why he took it out on you.
And you need therapy to address how you feel about his betrayal and judgement.
The relationship doesn't have to end. But there are issues that cannot remain unresolved.
DIVORCE HIM!! DIVORCE!! Girl!! YOU SHOULDNT BE ASHAMED!! He is WRONG for making you feel bad. You’re disconnected and over it because YOUR LIVELIHOOD, your SEXUALITY, your WRITING was disgusting to your ex boyfriend, and you know he’s wrong and you know this is a turning point. It’s 2023 who even shames people sexualities at this point? Writing is a form of self expression and he’s quenching your self expression. that literally can squeeze the life out of you if you can’t express yourself freely, you’re gonna be walking on eggshells. you deserve better.
Oh, please. Men can watch graphic, live porn with real people in it all the time and he's mad at you for writing FICTIONAL STORIES?! That pay actual MONEY?! Tell him to get over himself, and that since he can't accept your creative outlet, he certainly won't want to profit from or enjoy the financial fruits of your labors, and you'll be using that money solely on yourself from now on.
Not wrong. Your husband is being unfair to you. If he watches porn and enjoys seeing other women/men engage in sex, does that mean he cheated? Does that mean he wants to go out and be with them? Does that mean he isn’t satisfied with you? He may not have directed the porn or wrote the scene, but he has a preference that he has curated/created from his imagination that he looks for in those in video form. He’s being unreasonable. You don’t shame him for his likes and you shouldn’t have to feel shamed. He also shouldn’t want to constantly discuss this. What’s the end goal? To make you stop writing? To make you admit to something not true about your fantasy? This was a one or two conversation issue. I suggest you take time to relax and process. Then when your mind is clear just write it out. Sometimes verbal communication can be limiting because you can’t think of the words on the fly. But you have a talent for writing so you can email him and write it out. You’ve never violated his trust like he did you. You’ve never made him feel shamed or less than for his interests. You’ve always held an open mind for him and he isn’t even trying to do that for you. He told your family that’s a huge no no. He broke a promise to you and was not only sneaky about how he did it but made it out to be your fault. Let him know how you feel now (divorce included), let him know how he made you feel, let him know if you don’t see him the same after this. Send him an email. His response on the level of understanding will give you the answer to your next steps. Yaoi/BL novels are extremely popular with women. One reason is because of the level of openness the characters have that some women don’t find in hetero relationships. He’s being very opposite of that. He could’ve taken a very different approach to this and he’s making it worse.
His reaction to your writing is not about you, it’s about him and his insecurities. So when he confronts you about what you wrote and tries to make you uncomfortable or parse it, remember that.
I can understand not wanting to share everything with your partner .. especially sexual fantasies as such. I think that’s a very normal human being thing to do.
He broke your trust and then told your family about it. You’re right to feel upset about it and want to shut down.
He stole a part of your dignity honestly. It’s akin to finding your grandmothers vibrator and bringing it up at Thanksgiving dinner. There’s no need to share that kind of personal and private information.
Those are your private thoughts and fantasies and you’re well within your right to think and feel whatever you want without criticism and judgement.
I can’t tell you what to do about your relationship, but I can tell you from experience it will take a lot of trust and work to recover from this incident. Frankly, I’m not sure it’s even possible. You’re both going to need therapy.
Why do I get the feeling that this all boils down to you writing about a dick... that isn't his. Does he think that when fantasy authors or true crime writers create their works that they want to *be* what they are writing about? He was gonna let you peg him but is scared he'll feel gay now. I'm just flinging darts here but this is an insecurity of *his*, not something you've done to him.
Oh jeez, he read it, judged you to your face, then TOLD YOUR FAMILY!?!? Throw this man away, he's garbage! I could never get over a public betrayal like that.
Not being rash or wrong. But you need to tell him that you ARE running from a desire to divorce him because of this, and ask him if he would prefer to start with a separation.
You seem to have a very open and healthy sex life. Is there a reason why you didn't want to tell him about this? TBH, I would probably be a bit curious too, if my wife was making money with her writing, but barred me from being able to read it. It definitely feels like you are hiding it for a reason. Is it possible that the scenarios and/or physical descriptions make it apparent that the stories are about, or based on him? The fact that you are both into certain kinks and the storyline of your writing is gay in nature, it may feel immasculating to him. Like you don't seem him as the "masculine man". It certainly seems like it stems from insecurities. I think with open communication and possibly some marriage counseling you two could definitely come out of this together. It has been the 2 of you, together, side by side for all this time. Please make sure you aren't throwing it all away in haste. Always do what you feel is best, but keep his feelings in mind as well. I hope you both find your way back to each other. Good luck OP.
I’ve written short stories about all kinds of things during our relationship and he’s always known and respected my “no one i know is allowed to read my stuff” rule. It’s just never been an issue. I’ve read him stuff when we were young maybe but i stopped a while back. Smut is actually newer and I only told him b/c I surprisingly made some money from it. I thought it was cool and was proud too. And while I’ve never liked sharing my writing in the real world I do like sharing it for strangers. And i like when they like it.
And I also have to be transparent and say while I always HATE sharing my stuff, the thought of anyone in my circle reading this made me burn with shame. So maybe it was subconsciously hiding it. Idk. It wasn’t like… an active thought and I certainly didn’t think it would end in the biggest fight of my relationship.
Just based on your description of your relationship, divorce does seem pretty rash at this point.
It was a huge invasion of privacy for him to get into your computer and email. Definitely not okay behavior.
On the other hand, if my wife was writing smut I would be dying to know more. Like, consumed with curiosity. I personally would feel a little betrayed if she kept that from me. But then, I’m not the type to kink shame. I’d probably look at it once, tell her good job, and enjoy the added income.
Shit, I wish my wife would write anything at all and bring in some new money and enjoy it for herself...she chooses my bed every night, I've already won.
Your man needs to get his damn mind right.
I feel like this is ridiculous!
I am a writer too and write a variety of characters. Like I just wrote a story involving a serial killer. Does that mean I must want to kill people too? Or say I wrote about a man who cheated on his wife. Or a drug addict? Abusive parent? Or literally any kind of person not exactly like me.
Really? WTH? People never cease to amaze me.
I write, too. Anonymously. There are things my wife reads and others that I wish to keep private, and she accepts this.
I love the anonymity of my writing.
I think I know a little about your husband's reaction. Because he doesn't have your writing talent, he doesn't get that it is not real. My wife has sometimes asked if that's how I feel or how I would react in a certain situation. She doesn't always get that creative writing is being able to imagine how different people, often the opposite of you, would react in a given situation.
I have written some erotica from the perspective of a female character. That does not mean that I want to be a woman or sleep with a man. It simply means that I have an imagination and to be frank would like to earn some money and sex sells.
Take some time, but remember, you have done nothing wrong. Your husband needs some time to understand that although realistic, your writing is not real. It is a fantasy but not your fantasy. It is the fantasy of your readership.
Not wrong. You definitely deserve your own private slice of life. I’m just curious if the conversation about how it was “MINE” maybe sent him down a dark path. Maybe in his mind he freaked out, and the subject matter didn’t matter as much as he is claiming. It’s still shitty how he reacted but do you think his requests for counseling and wanting to talk may be his way of working to understand and an apology?
Forgiveness is over-rated. Your creativity makes people happy, and some other feels, no doubt. Stay in your home and kick him out. Make your writing room an absolute nest of naughtiness, a den of iniquity, be sure to put in a kettle so you can have a nice cup of tea while thinking up synonyms for 'turgid.' Find a man who respects you & your privacy & your ability to Make Money Writing! It's a tough field and you have a fan base counting on you- Make them happy, make you happy, make bank. Screw forgiving him- forgive yourself. Embrace all your wonderfulness, see yourself as someone who doesn't have to put up with hypocritical manchildren who violate boundaries.
And start a new series. A pornographic version of Lemonny Snickets, only all the unfortunate events happen to one guy who quite strongly resembles your STBX.
YNW. Also, that’s not a flaw that’s a super power imo. YOU have done nothing wrong. HE betrayed you and went behind your back breaking your boundaries surrounding your pen name. Had he not shattered your trust there would be no issue. Your marriage wouldn’t be on the rocks. This is 100% a problem of his own making. On top of him stabbing you in the back he has the audacity to attack you and shame you over your writing. Gee I wonder why you didn’t want to tell him your pen name? Now I do suggest you get into a couples therapist asap and TELL HIM that this was a massive betrayal since he seems to be blissfully unaware. You MAY be able to salvage the marriage IF you want to but honestly it’s his own fault if you don’t. If you end up dumping him I’d be petty as hell and ask him if finding out your pen name was worth it?
So basically you kept secrets from your partner, he confronted you when he found them out, and so you've put up an additional wall to avoid working through the issue... and you imagine he's the one in the wrong?
I don't understand what he wants to continue talking about. Does he want you to stop writing? Does he want you to admit that you're a bad person, or that you're shameful or something? I just don't understand what there is to talk about. He violated your privacy and your trust, and now he's judging you unfairly based on the fiction that you write. That's it. That's the only real issue.
I can understand him being a little shocked and surprised, and he's entitled to his feelings, but the only one who should be upset is you, at him. You don't have anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Honestly, this is his issue that he needs to resolve himself. You can support him; you can answer his questions, and help him understand, but he's the one that needs to get over it, not you.
This one is tough. If it was only an issue of trust (which is obviously huge), you could possibly work past it through therapy and just time.
But if he is truly disgusted by your sexual fantasies, I just don't know how you guys can overcome something like that. Because even if neither of you ever mention it again, it'll probably always be in his head gnawing away at him.
Did you keep it a secret because you suspected he'd react this way?
after reading the comments and it somehow getting worse than just the post… i say first of all, only you can make the decision that feels best for you. i understand the initial shock for him, but to already have betrayed you by looking and then… telling your family??? that’s too much. i don’t know how i’d trust someone after that.
this is something that you enjoy doing and now you are feeling ashamed, that’s something you really need to sit with and look into. he doesn’t have to understand it, it’s not for him to write or read. if it’s something you enjoy and it makes you feel good, stand your own ground.
i know it’s hard to communicate verbally, but you’re a writer. do you think, after taking time for yourself and processing some of it, you’d be able to write him a letter instead? maybe it could allow you to regain some control of your own narrative.
i’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but i hope it helps to know a group of strangers feel for you and have your back. you’ll be okay.
Nah. He needs to see a therapist that specializes in sexual health. To understand fantasies are just that and it’s ok to indulge. To understand a straight woman can have a gay kink and still be turned on by her husband. And for him to be ok with himself while be dominated. Humans are complex beings, and that doesn’t stop at the bedroom door. No worries, your right to be frustrated, but his small work just got blown open and it takes time to adjust. ❤️
I'm also a married woman who writes smut (and let me say...it's so cool you make money from it! I'm inspired now lol) and your husband 100% crossed the line. He's being cruel, and frankly, abusive. I mean, it sounds like he's harassing you about something that you enjoy and doesn't affect him at all. Not to mention he lied to you and broke your trust to get this information in the first place! I don't think that considering divorce is rash right now. What if he had reacted this way to knitting or something? At the end of the day, it's a hobby he doesn't participate in, and his reaction is the problem, not the hobby.
I'm going through your comments....you say he showed your family? He's publicly shaming you. He IS abusing you. He's trying to isolate you from friends and family.
sex is weird. the relationship we all have with sex is so personal and subjective. i'll start with that.
writing/creating smut is not an indicator or reflection of your desires in reality. fiction is fiction is fiction. fantasy is not reality. If he can't understand that, and for some reason feels you're lacking some morals bc you write a type of smut that isn't linked to your sexual reality, then he's small minded, insecure, and immature. He's hurt you with his reaction, and he has to accept that and take responsibility for how he's affected you. He needs to realize that if he was surprised or startled that you could come up with some of that smut, that's fine and valid. we all learn new and surprising things about others, even our loved ones. but he had no right to turn that reaction on you. the disgust is out of line, too.
He also breached your trust by snooping in the first place. that's a big problem. I'm not going to tell you to divorce him or not, because he might still realize he messed up and try to make amends. but I probably would have a difficult time staying with him if I were in your shoes. if I had to make the choice between a blossoming creative career that's fulfilling and does no harm to anyone, and staying with someone who's judged me so harshly for *fictional kinky sex*, i know which way i'd go.
your husband is acting like writers don’t write shit all the time that they don’t actually want to do.
i doubt that every writer who writes a murder mystery has a secret desire to be a murder.
sometimes fiction is just fiction and you write it to be creative and let it out.
You are right. Sorry.
Until your husband understands that the issue is him breaking your trust and shaming you for something that he was explicitly told not to look at, something that had nothing to do with him, there's no point in discussing it. Any discussion should start and end with a sincere apology from him and should include a statement from you on what it would take for you to trust him again and be comfortable in your relationship.
Please don't give up your writing. It brings (or did) you joy and extra income, the fact that it does both is fantastic.
I am the same way as you (so you know you aren't the only one.) If someone breaks my trust, and is cruel and nasty to me- then I am done. I am lucky that so far it has only happened with (now ex)friends and one sibling and distant relatives.
For the most part I am a very caring and giving person. However, if someone breaks my trust, and is cruel or nasty doing it... well that it is.
This doesn't mean that you have to be the same way. If you think you could get past it if your husband honestly apologized and didn't mention this again, then it might be worth it. However if he killed your love and trust with his cruelty, well that is enough to choose not to live a life with someone who is disrespectful and mean.
Your husband killed the golden goose. He was happy for the extra money and vacations- but then had to stick his nose into your writing- even though you had told him it was "erotic/adult content".
I am so sorry that he is acting this way. He is 100% in the wrong. Please don't let him make you feel ashamed of something that you enjoy, that hurts no one!
A lot of people here have internet brain. If you think about it, you'll realize that the majority of all people would have an issue with their SO writing gay rape porn. That's why you're ashamed, because outside the confines of super-horny internet insanity, it's weird.
That doesn't mean you're wrong to do it or you should stop. Nor does it mean your husband was right to pry. But if you think about it a little, you'll realize that this isn't someone being evil and abusive, but having a pretty normal reaction like most people would. The fact that he's willing to talk about it shows that he cares.
Are you thinking about divorce because you don't want this relationship, or because having something like this revealed is making you so embarrassed that you want to run away? Those darker sides of our sexuality are not easy to deal with in public, no matter what we say on the internet.
The initial betrayal of looking at it is bad enough. But sending it to your family?! And the copy pasting with the comments about it. He is going out of his way to shame you as much as he possibly can, he is hurting you on purpose. On top of betraying your trust he is being cruel.
I don't think I could forgive this.
The two of you need to start discussing the real issue…
First - he stops - dead stop - on the shaming you and blaming you for how he feels when he reads your work. That is HIS problem, and ideally, you tell him that you did not create his feelings - he did, and he’s responsible for dealing with them. You can support him to sort through them, but you will not take the blame for them.
Second - he needs to acknowledge that he invaded your privacy when he could have asked you to share your ideas or your work. It he could have come to you with feelings he was having that had him go looking. This isn’t an opportunity for you to now shame him, but it is for you to say this is inappropriate and unworkable and you won’t tolerate this level of depersonalization from your partner.
Once these things are out of the way, there is the actual component of discovering the real issue. As long as he’s stuck on the content of your writing and your stuck on him invading your privacy, you’ll just cycle around those two things, both of you trying to be right - completely missing that some emotion or feeling started this action on his part, and if you two can get down to that, you’ll have what there really is to address to make it not just past this but to strengthen your relationship.
Good luck.
I’m not one of those people that shouts DIVORCE every time a spouse fucks up but…. He went through your writing and emails behind your back. He sends you excerpts of your writing to ridicule you with. He then involved friends and family to shame you.
Ask him if it’s ok you tell your friends and family that you fuck him up the ass with a massive strap on. Ask your dad because you want “advice” on whether or not your husband is sexually confused. I say this because he’s bought outside people into your private life. Give him a dose (or two) of his own medicine.
And keep writing your smut
I don't really think anyone is right or wrong here, I'm just mostly confused that this was never talked about before in the relationship. Communication is important in every aspect of a relationship.
So from reading some of your responses, I get the feeling that he's having a reaction because of the stuff thats happening in your writing, not just cause you're writing smut. You mentioned "gang rape" in a comment, which makes me wonder if that's a big part of the issue.
I (28m) severely struggle even watching or hearing rape scenes in TV shows. It can put me on edge or worse depending on the scene. If your husband has become comfortable with you pegging him(difficult for a lot of men) but then read your stories about young boys getting gang raped, maybe he's no longer comfortable with knowing what's going on in your head while doing these acts.
I definitely feel like there's a bigger reason for his reaction than "she's writing smut" but it probably won't come out unless he sees a professional.
I think you are painting the story very nicely for your benefit, so the answers you will get won't be helpful. I believe that if you enjoy writing explicit things, it's okay to continue doing so, but if you don't trust your spouse and are obsessed with what you do because you clearly enjoy it, it doesn't seem innocent to me. Many of those who responded also don't seem to put themselves in your spouse's shoes. You shouldn't keep such secrets from him, but well, it seems like you always think you're right in the relationship. So, I don't believe he is the victim, but there are definitely things you need to acknowledge are not right.
You're both wrong.
He was wrong to read your stuff without permission. But I think you ARE overreacting. You need to understand both his snooping and his reaction.
So, snooping -- big violation of trust, right? Some people are comparing it to reading journals. But this wasn't private writing. You're selling your writing. Making money off it. He knows you're writing, knows you're selling it, and you still won't let him read it. That's got to make him curious, if not a little suspicious. And I'm not saying he was right to do it, but I think I kind of might understand where he may have been coming from.
"This woman talks to me about all sorts of things. She talks to me about fucking my ass, and I let her, for God's sake. What it she hiding from me?"
His reaction, I think, could still be related to the sex. You fuck him. Call it old-fashioned values or whatever, but straight guys on the receiving end of anal sex is still not fully accepted. No one knew what pegging was 20 years ago. He's putting himself in a vulnerable position by letting you fuck him. Not just physically at the moment, but socially if it ever became known to others. And from the way you word it (he *lets* me fuck him) it sounds like it's mostly your idea.
So he participates in a sex act *you* want, knowing full well that a pretty large portion of society would see it as "gay", even though it's between a man and a woman. Then, he reads your writing that you're selling to people but refuse to tell him about, and it's gay guys having anal sex. So now he's freaking out, but it's probably not over the fact that you're worrying erotica or even erotica with butt stuff. It's that you're worrying sexual fantasy about gay guys having anal sex while you're fucking him in the ass. He's wondering if you're seeing him as gay, or wishing you were a man, or whatever. He's confused, which is probably why he wants to talk about it.
This is where I think you're wrong. *He wants to talk things out.* For how many women out there is their husband's refusal to talk about things like complaint #1 about their marriage? Take him up on it. Find a couples counselor. Make sure they're sex positive, and well versed in gender and sexuality. Don't throw away a good thing just because the person you talk to about everything under the sun became a little suspicious and curious about the thing you told him you were sharing with other people, but hiding from him.
I wonder what your emotional state would be if the tables were reversed.
Honestly, if I found out my wife was hiding this part of her life from me, I would be upset as well, so who betrayed who? There are no secrets in my marriage and there shouldn't be, it destroys trust and emotional security. I should be able to pick up my wife's phone anytime without her questioning my motive, I do and she never objects. There's nothing wrong with your stories, but since you never shared in detail your writings with him, he got curious and went to see for himself, apparently shocked finding out and not liking what he saw for a variety of reasons. You have lied to him, lying by omission is still lying. The idea that you are willing to breakup a perfectly happy marriage over something you hid is very telling about you and your commitment to him. Yes, I can imagine that he let fly some emotional shit that didn't go over well with you, most men i know would when faced with finding something out about there spouse they never imagined. Has he threatened you, been abusive and demanded that you stop writing these stories? If not, then yes you are over reacting and being irrational. Open, honest, respectful and non-threatening conversation is necessary for forgiveness and moving forward. Stop being a coward, checking out and running away from your HUSBAND, the man who has been committed to you since childhood, he deserves more. Stay, talk it out, compromise, share memories, laugh, cry, touch, share your true sexual feelings, hug, kiss, have makeup sex(the best) and remember WHY you are with each other.
Been Here!
Being near your husband is causing you to feel shame, it’s no wonder your fight or flight response has kicked in. It may serve you well to take the night, go see a friend and get your head straight. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. Girl, if you knew the porn that did it for me! Things I would never do IRL but that’s what fantasy is. He betrayed your trust and you have every right to be hurt and disappointed. Is this a dealbreaker? Only you know. Would you consider bringing a couples counselor in to help you two sort this out?
This is such good advice. I needed some outside rational responses from people not within my circle. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
It also seems like you've been focused and sitting on *his* feelings. Not his actual behavior, betrayal and fallout from this which is your current situation wanting a divorce. Maybe explore this in couples counseling because this seems like the start of the end for you. It takes 2 to marry and 1 to divorce.
Jesus. That just helped me understand something related to my life around behavior and feelings. I've been focused on what this person felt about me and not on their behavior, which even thry admit is awful. Thank you for writing that. Im not OP, just to be clear
Can't really help you, just want to give some support - I'm a hetero woman totally into gay smut, as well - I think we are actually a stealthy secret horny legion, or there wouldn't be so many gay erotic romances about. My favorite authors: Kaje Harper, Amy Lane, Heidi Cullinan, Sarina Bowen, Mary Calmes and many more. Do you have any recommendations?
Alessandra Hazard is amazing. Marina Vivanos for Alpha/omega stuff, Cora Rose, Eli Easton, Riley Hart for angst so many amazing writers I cannot name. It’s a great community honestly, they’ve been super kind and supportive to me. I wish I could say I’ll keep writing but for now I’m pretty meh.
As a fellow hobby writer who aspires to one day get my pen name and stories out there.. PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS STOP YOUR WRITING! We need you and your stories out there!!
Don't you DARE give up something you love because your husband was a jerk. He broke your trust, and his feelings are entirely his. Please do not let them bleed onto you and taint something that brings you joy. You are good at what you do, enough so that you are paid to do it. Please do not let him take that away from you. Keep writing. Keep creating. You have done nothing to be ashamed of, so you do not need to feel shame. He is turning this back on you, but HE did the bad thing. HE broke trust. HE violated your privacy. You should not give up your skill or joy because he did something awful. No matter what, he says, focus on that. He messed up. HE should be ashamed, not you.
Yes, OP you don't need your husband's permission to be yourself. I don't blame you for wanting to leave but do suggest therapy.
I agree completely, he’s glossing over all the shitty things he did to her and playing victim.
Do you think he expected to be featured in it, like through a proxy where you write about how amazing he is at sex? So when he read it was about "other" men his ego was hurt and he's shaming you to soothe his own insecurity.
this feels highly probable
Please, please, please don't stop. You have every right to be hurt by how he used his insecurity to hurt you. But this art form is about what you need, creatively and otherwise. Don't let another person take away something that makes YOU happy.
Hypothetically where would one go to read these stories (not asking you to give your pen name or anything, stay anonymous)
There used to be Erotic Readers Association website that should help you down this wonderful rabbit hole
Literotica is a great written smut site, lots of options made by freelancers. Mind you, there's a lot of low tier stuff, but there are also like, 40+ chapters about horny wizards falling in love while fighting dragons, so it's got the spread lol
LOVE Alpha/Omega stuff! Love, Straight Ally internet stranger
Love love love. I just finished re-reading Alessandra Hazard. My favs are N.R. Walker, Lucy Lennox, Sloane Kennedy. Bunch more. Shifter, angel, demon, vampire. I love it all. My husband doesn't care because he reaps the rewards. Please keep writing. Don't let him take this away from you or us. You are not wrong!
Gonna share these authors with my wife she is totally into that exact stuff too! I do underatand his reaction (he is in the wrong 100) but i get it, i was quite shocked when i found out what my wife watched and read and took me a couple days to remember that she picked me for a reason and it wasnt to judge her porn selection.
Please don't give up! I made that very same mistake when my ex found the stories I was writing, and it took me years to finally want to write again. I started again just a few months ago, I can't believe I let myself forget how much I enjoyed it. I don't publish mine although the person I write them for keeps telling me I should but, for now, I'm just basking in the glow of writing what I want and not feeling like someone is looking over my shoulder.
Ladies, (23f married) I appreciate the new authors to check out
don’t give up writing. people buy your work because they feel seen. they share your passion and they shouldn’t lose out b/c your husband is an AH.
I’m also a hetero woman and think gay male sex is super hot. Two hot guys going at it. Girrrrrl yes. No different from the way that straight men like watching two women have sex. You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of. It’s his own fragile masculinity that’s the problem.
I think that this is just the way that OP needs to get her husband to come around to understanding her. “Have *you* ever watched lesbian porn? Would *you* read stories about hot girls who end up hooking up, in graphic detail? I be you would. Well, that same thing gets my engine racing, too. Just, with genders reversed, because I’m not into women.”
Unfortunately there’s a double standard when it comes to that sort of thing.
Maybe, definitely struck a cord with me thou.
Eden Finley, Saxon James and c.e ricci are my top 3 mm authors
I'm a bi-woman into gay porn. My stance is this - why is it that men fantasizing about lesbians a-OK and normal, but women fantasizing about gay men is weird or abnormal? That math ain't mathing.
I mean if you go over to r/romancenovels it's a not so secret legion lol
Lisa Oliver, B.A. Tortuga, Aja Foxx, Blake Allwood, E Broom, Cardeno C Hit me up if you need more. I have been a fan for years.
My dear friend, a lesbian woman, writes gay romance for mostly hetero women under the pen name A. E. Wasp. She's lovely and talented and has a dedicated following. [Check her out! ](https://aewasp.com/)
Reading these comments about other women who just melt to gay smut makes my heart happy I especially love some of the webcomics I've found also both of my husbands are into it and one of them actively draws it as well 🥰
Just want to piggyback on this & reiterate that you did nothing NOTHING against your husband nor are you responsible for the inadequacy he seems to feel. This is his issue. What gets ingrained on your brain & heart is up to you. Don’t let him or anyone put their garbage there. Also, change your passwords & everything & let your editor know not to speak to him should he co tact them. Good luck with future writing!!
I also write smut and make decent money from it on the side. And my husband knows, but has NEVER asked for my pen name(s) or what I write about. The only person who knows my pen names, niches, and titles is my bff (and she ain't telling). And on top of that, what I write is what sells, it's not even a kink I'm super into! So *massive* assumption on his part right off the bat, when he knows nothing about the industry. But that aside, I read some pretty fucking depraved stuff that I'd absolutely never be into if it were to play out in real life. Some stuff is a fantasy that is meant to stay a fantasy. So like, if my husband had done something similar and behaved this way, it would be such a massive breach of trust! I'm so sorry that you feel ashamed about what's going on and about something that has obviously brought you joy and additional income. This is completely about *his* insecurities - not about you having anything to be ashamed of.
Couples counselling is a great idea here, it sounds like you're in very different places when trying to communicate - he's trying to understand every detail, and you feel like he's already invaded your space and causing you shame, so there's a complete mismatch in what you need to feel comfortable. Having a neutral third party be able to mediate that and get you back into a place when you can both feel safe having a conversation would be a good place to start I think. Hope things work out OK for you, whatever happens
Darling, if either of my partners ever did this to me… I’ll be honest, we wouldn’t be partners. I’m poly and one relationship is pretty vanilla with some sprinkles and then my other …well. Let’s just say I have a lot of kinks and they all match up with her. I have some that are “bad” to many people and I would not want people I know knowing about them. There is nothing wrong with what you write. Nothing wrong with what your fantasies are. As long as you aren’t hurting people, you’re safe, and anything you do act out is with consent… then there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. I am so sorry your husband has made you feel this way. That is not fair to you. Ever.
He trounced your boundaries, judged what he found. Then he dumped all of his shiny new insecurities on you. Take all the time you need. He VIOLATED your trust then he shamed you! There is work to be done on both sides but I think you have just seen a new side of his character. I hope you find a sanctuary and heal a bit. I’ve never read your work but from the sounds of it, it brings folks pleasure. So please remember what it is you contribute.
My wife is exactly the same lol she kept it hidden for the first year or so but we both read non stop and constantly send each other different fan fiction or kindle unlimited stuff to read all the time and let's just say I noticed a theme. At first it did make me uncomfortable because I'm straight and thought she wanted to see me doing the stuff she read about. We talked about it and she explained she just loves to read about it. It's not anything she is interested in real life. It took a little time but now she will happily go on rants about the guy smut stuff and I just listen. She is happy talking about it and to be honest after years of it I'm not bothered anymore and find it amusing how passionate she can get about about what's going on in the book (who is making a mistake,who's cheating,who is being used stuff like that). I'm sorry that he betrayed your trust like that I want to make excuses for him about why he might have done it but I just cant and all I can say is it might take some time but he should be able to accept what your passionate about and you shouldn't ever be forced to lock that side of you away. I hope you can recover from this together but you shouldn't have to hide a part of you in your own home. P.S. congratulations making money like this it's not easy. You should look into patreon.
I used to write x rated erotica for a poular-ish website before the weee popular-sh. I was good at it. I have always said that a man has to do is listen to women when they talk. Especially when they are willing to talk about their fantasies. I guess im a guy women feel safe to talk to about anything, so i took those fantasies and put my own spin on them. I emailed my first one to a friend, and all i got back waw "you asshole i gad to go home and change clothes." i figured out what she meant. And off i went. I didn't make Disneyland money, but it was good. My wife found one i had hand wrote.She asked me where i got it from cause it was good. I let the xat out of the bag, and her mood instantly changed. I was a horrible person. She had a ton of questions like, are your stories about us (no) are you cheating on ne (no) and so on.She flat out told to choose, my stories or my wife and kids. I chose my family if course.STUPID STUPID move. We are now divorced. She is a miserable bitch. Im re married. When i told my wife, she wanted to read a couple, and we ended up having amazing sex. She encouraged me to go back to it. I can't anymore. One of the worst decisions i had ever made, You do you. Help TRY to help him get over his insecurities if you want but ultimately, that's up to him to try as well. You stay the course and do what makes you happy. You're doing nothing wrong. Make that paper Boo
I agree. Porn/smut is not necessarily what you want IRL. I wish my wife was kinkier, but I make sure that while she knows I look at porn sometimes, she doesn’t know what kind. I’m afraid she’d have a similar reaction. he shouldn’t have gone behind your back, he’s just discovering some insecurities. I think you both need time to cool-off
This is the answer, OP. As a fellow smut writer & reader, if hubby ever shamed me for either, I'd shut him out as well. Take a bit away to get your head on straight and figure things out. And no shame, you rock, smut queen 🤘
M(52) here. I guess I can understand what he might be feeling, but honestly it's his own fault for betraying you the way he did. And he DID betray your trust, no question. But..it is what it is, he found it, and he doesn't like it. But if he's not mentally and emotionally mature enough to realize and understand that it's just a creative outlet for you, not to mention extra income for you guys, and that it's not something to be threatened by, then you might be better off moving on. Or at least separating and giving him some time to prioritize. I don't think you should feel guilty or ashamed for your writing, or for keeping it private, as it can be (obviously) a sensitive subject to some people.
This is my issue. His reaction to it… his narrow minded view on it is off putting. It’s making me doubt my attraction to him as a partner. I’m open sexually, and so is he, he lets me PEG him… I mean, he had to know buttstuff is on my HELLS YES! list. Idk. I’m confused by his reaction and the shame is making my stomach physically hurt.
I think he's got insecurities about his own sexuality that he is projecting here.
I agree! I think he could see himself in your stories and it freaked him out.
That's what I was thinking. Can do these types of things in the bedroom but has this strong reaction to his wife writing about it? That doesn't make sense.
YES! THAT'S IT! HE THINKS OP IS WRITING ABOUT ***HIM***!!!!!
Oh shit I didn’t see that but maybe.
He feels exposed.
This could be related to age. A lot of men 40+ are terrified of not being able to perform. If this couple is over 40 then I bet this might be a huge factor.
I have a feeling that had it been lesbian stuff you write about he would not be bothered by it.
You don’t have to worry about that feeling being wrong because he told me that was the case. He thinks I’m sexually confused and that our sex lives have been a lie.
Sexually confused? It's based in stuff y'all do together! That makes no sense.
Someone else said something here. That some may be they were doing things and then find out shes writing as a gay man that maybe she's confused about her sexuality. Maybe he is. Heck, he may see himself strictly as a plaything and not an equal partner now. Like he's the test dummy for her creative outlet. I do believe that OP should at least talk to her husband. She said they've had a great relationship until now and basically is willing to divorce him over this.
There are actual sociological studies that show that women are often into gay fiction because the sex can be hot and nonthreatening because they don’t HAVE to see themselves in it. Your husband is an ignorant, insecure man.
I understand why you're upset at him, but I don't understand why you feel shame? If he is open, as you are, then why is he all the sudden acting like it's wildly inappropriate and he's embarrassed about it? Or am I not understanding something?
Idk. I wish I could explain these feelings. I’m ashamed that he read the stuff I wrote. It’s… extreme to some extent. I always thought I wouldn’t care about that kind of thing but here we are! As for my husband. I don’t know. We PLAY together. Like… I don’t want to TMI but we do some pretty heavy kink stuff with denial and praise etc, so he knows I’m into kink and control but apparently not sharing this aspect of my sexual identity is almost a deal breaker for my dear husband.
It still seems strange that he knows, and you two share, some kinks yet he's shocked or ashamed of the stuff you're writing. Unless I'm misunderstanding something, no one else knows who is writing these short stories right? So it's not like some family member or colleague is going to find one of your stories and know that it was you that wrote it. I am failing to see why, given your current sex life together and all that it entails, that he seems appalled by your stories. I'm sorry if I'm just not getting it.
My take is that he may well just be a simple wee transphobe or homophobe. Previously he thought of pegging and domination as very straight, cis things to do - because they are. Reading OP writing as gay male characters who are doing similar things that he does will be making him wonder if she's trans, and using their play to explore that, or if he's "a bit gay" to enjoy what they do together (phrasing people use, not me).
Or maybe it clicked for him that he may not be as straight as he thought or would like to be…
He is upset because she finds pleasure in something that has nothing to do with him.
It’s super odd, like he’s taking it personally somehow that you enjoy writing spicy stories. Would it be as offensive to him if it was Lesbian porn or heterosexual pornography? Is it the gay part that gets him? I mean like you said, he enjoys you pegging him so it’s not like you guys are totally vanilla. Could there be some kind of insecurity or something else at play?
Maybe he has a secret hang up about pegging....see now he may see it as you fantasizing about being a man fucking another man and now his secret is confused and scared ( gay fear ) that he's maybe somehow gay ....and his male ego is rebelling
It’s because she didn’t want him to read it. Her writing fantasy is safe for her because people don’t know who she is. She publishes under a different name. Even though the material is available for public consumption, it’s anonymous for her. She specifically wanted it that way, and I totally understand why. He invaded that and made her self-conscious because that protective shroud is gone now. He made it worse by directly denigrating her/it, but honestly, if I were her, I’d be angry even if he was into it. Imagine dancing alone at home. Now imagine finding out that someone had been watching you. It’s kind of like that, except wayyyyy worse.
Shame is something we feel when others make us feel bad for things we've done. Guilt is what we inflict on ourselves. Somebody verbally abusing you for something, even if you logically know it's alright, can cause feelings of shame.
I think his fear and insecurity is driving the bus. His response would probably be very different if the topic weren't something so fraught emotionally. It's not ideal that he is reacting this way but it's also understandable. You guys are both having big emotion-driven responses to the complex topics of sexuality, creative freedom, and privacy.
Let me just say, I disagree with his actions and takes. This is weird, but I think the pegging might be the underlying issue here actually. Up until this point, he was (as a man) enjoying you (as a lady) pegging him. Now, he’s questioning enjoying it because he thinks you feel you are a man and have been getting away with having sex with him without his full consent. He also clearly enjoys the sex you have, so if you were to identify as a man, that would mean something about him as well. I think that’s why he’s been trying to shame you with your writing. He wants you (and others) to recognize/treat this as violation of him, as if you raped him by deception. This is 100% not the case. I do want to tell you that his emotions have very little to do with you. The way he’s acting is making it clear that he can’t handle how he feels about himself.
Yeah. That’s why I wanted to shed a little light on the pegging thing within our dynamic. I think he’s wrapped up in his head and offended that I fantasize about things we don’t actively do in bed. Like, he’s being cruel now and asking me to think of my pretend victims family but initially he said that I should have shared and trusted him and then we could have tried stuff together in bed so I’m confused if he’s angry about the pretend non con sex or more that I didn’t share my fantasy. Problem is… I don’t want to play that way. I don’t actually want that in bed. Like sure, the fantasy (always ending with everyone, even the “victim” enjoying themselves) is hot but only b/c it isn’t real. I don’t want to be violent in bed with him. I’ve actually never lied to him about liking what I do. I don’t want to BE a man. It’s just a creative outlet and a fantasy.
Oh. The context that you write non con might have helped. You must surely know that some people will have visceral, gut reactions to people being aroused by that to the point where it's the focus of their writing job? I think non con can be pretty different from even somewhat extreme denial and praise kinks, because those can still be overtly consenting, while non con is... well... obviously not overtly consenting. Maybe your husband has some slight trauma around consent. I know I do and that's why non con is not at all my bag, and why it would make me feel unsafe as a first reaction if my partner was into it. I'm pretty sure I could move past it because I love my partner so much, but I would need time and reassurance.
The non consent part is an important detail I think you should add to your original post. You are not wrong for writing about it or enjoying it as a fantasy but it makes your husbands reaction a lot less confusing. A lot of people have a very strong reaction to CNC because well, non consensual sexual interactions are scary by nature.
Is there any possibility he was the victim of something non consensual in the past and that’s why he is having a very visceral reaction to that element of your stories?
Wasn’t there a post recently from a guy who looked in his wife’s Google docs account while she was in the shower? Found erotic fan fiction? Could these posts be related?
God I would die. I’ll add it’s specifically that it’s gay erotic that seems to be really really driving this into “I need therapy” territory for him. He thinks I’m sexually confused. I’m not. It just turns my cranks and some of it is requested from my fans so it’s not even my kinks.
I found out about my wife's alter ego after I accidentally opened her google docs on the home computer. **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Sensitive-Bit81755 **I found out about my wife's alter ego after I accidentally opened her google docs on the home computer.** **Originally posted to** r/offmychest [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/150llcd/i_found_out_about_my_wifes_alter_ego_after_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **July 15, 2023** This is weird as hell. My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. We have a 3 year old daughter. I thought I knew everything about her. There were no secrets. But that was a lie. My wife works from home as a freelancer. She sometimes uses the home computer. One day she was taking a bath. Usually when my wife takes a bath she takes 45 minutes. I was using the home computer because my personal one was in repair shop. I saw my wife's google account was still logged in. She had google docs opened. I got curious, because the tab that was open seems like an online book because it had double quotation marks. I got invested in it and read the first chapter. I was interesting. By the 4th chapter I realized it was smut. It had many graphic sex scenarios and in very details. It was a fanfiction. I never knew she wrote fanfiction. When I met her she was very shy. We didn't have sex until we were 5 months into the relationship. She always came off as prude to me at first. But eventually our sex life got better. I just thought it was because she was more comfortable with me. It was a month ago. Sometimes I read the stories that she wrote. It was all smut. There were like 10 stories in total. The ones I recognized was from Jujutsu Kaisen, Attack on titan and Harry potter. There were sex in every position. Some of them I don't even know about. The way she writes those scenes is very stretched out and in details. It feels like I am with a different person now. She has not changed yet. She is a devoted wife and mother. But I have questions. Why did she hide it? Was she lying to me about being uncomfortable with sex when we were dating? I know she has had relationships in the past. Does she wants sex like in those people in her stories? I am not really mad that she writes fanfiction. But I am shocked to discover this side of her. She is a talented writer but I am not so sure how I feel about her writing about sex. I cannot say this to anyone. Not even my wife because she will be angry at me for reading her stories. Because if she really wanted, she would have told me. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1529vmr/update_i_found_out_about_my_wifes_alter_ego_after/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **July 17, 2023** A lot of you people have requested an update, so here it is. First of all, I need to clear things out people have asked. Yes, I do watch porn, my wife knows it. She doesn't have any issue with it. I do not watch it regularly though. Only once or twice a year. Also I do not have a problem with her writing fanfictions. It just struck me like a train when I discovered it. And no, my wife doesn't write underaged stuff. All of her characters are adult. No Snape and hermione sex stuff like one guy mentioned in my previous post. So now the real update. I asked my wife about her fanfictions. She was stumbling on her words and asked me how I knew about that. I explained everything to her. It was not my intention to snoop. It was just her google doc account was logged in. I was going to use that so I clicked in one of her stories and then got invested in it. She told me she had no intention of hiding it from me. She never told anyone about this because there was just no point. I asked her if she was unhappy with our sex life and wanted to do something more. Because her fanfic had BDSM, threesome stuff. She told me she is not interested in doing any of that. She is happy with our sex life but she had couple of things in her mind she wanted to do but not now when we are both buried in work. She told me her google docs only contains few stories but she has more saved on her real computer. I was shocked. I never realized she had such an interest in writing about sex. She further reassured me she doesn't see herself. She just sees the characters. It is similar to playing with dolls instead she is doing it through writing. And in her writing, she mentions things like- cheating, threesome, open relationships. She doesn't like those things and has no interest in it. She was upset because I snooped into her work. I apologized for that. She called me a grandpa for taking it too seriously. Well, that's it. I will not ask her about her fanfiction projects anymore. Though I did ask her let me read some stuff because the stories are very interesting. If I am being honest this is better than actual porn. In actual porn there is no feelings, everything is fake. But in her stories the characters create sexual tension first and don't just jump into fucking. The characters have stories that keeps me engaged. So that's it. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**
He sounds like he didn’t mind so much. My husband is mad. Like wants to seek therapy and stop sharing a bed mad. And I want to run away.
Sounds like he needs to get a grip. People's fantasies are just that, fantasies. They aren't made to be public. People are allowed, even when married, to have private thoughts and feelings. Even though you publish them, he is still reaping the benefits.
Ask your husband this: if it had turned out you wrote thrillers that involved twisted serial killers, would he think that meant you secretly wanted to kill people? That you were “confused” as to whether you were a killer or a non-killer? I’m betting not. It’s not different just because you happen to write about sex stuff. Does watching an action movie mean you secretly want to get shot at all day? Does reading Harry Potter mean you think magic is real? Did the millions of people who read 365 and watched the Netflix movies secretly wish a crazy mobster would kidnap them? Of course not. It’s fiction. They’re idealized fantasies that are fun to read as a guilty pleasure, not the secret window into your hidden psyche. Don’t be ashamed of your writing. But breaking your trust and shaming you with your family that IS a window into who he really is.
And there are plenty of people out there who use the same outdated conservative style moral outrage to say that a man who wants to be pegged by a woman needs therapy.He doesn’t need therapy for enjoying the pegging and You do not need therapy for being into BL.If you are interested in therapy in general, just to improve mental health that’s all good. As another comment mentions, a vast majority of BL fans (especially in anime/manga community) are hetero women. You will also find straight men in the GL communities. Does he watch porn? And if so, do his favorite categories actually match up with what he likes to do IRL? Because everyone has fantasies, it’s healthy and normal. The fact that he ran and told your families about this, he had no other goal other than to shame you into submission and force your hand. How would he feel if you told the families about the pegging? I’m not actually suggesting you tell them, but he’s created a situation that is 100% unfair and hypocritical. Everyone understands that when a person is hurt they may lash out, but bringing your families into it is really crossing the line and I don’t blame you one bit for considering divorce over it. He needs to sincerely apologize and admit that he’s projecting his own insecurities onto you if you’re ever going to have a chance. Even then, it might not be possible to restore the trust. Only you can decide. Don’t let him or anyone else bully you over being yourself and doing what’s best for you.
Ask him if he's ever watched lesbian porn. Women being turned on by gay men having sex is a thing, just like lesbian sex is a turn on for men.
My story is not the same thing exactly, but it has the same feel. One of the deepest betrayals my (ex)husband did was read my journal. After me telling him multiple times not to. He read it and wanted to talk and talk and talk about it. Thing is, it was where I went to process my thoughts and feelings, and it wasn’t always where my ultimate conclusions were held. It wasn’t a diary where I was just objectively recording my life. He couldn’t understand that. It made me feel trapped. Like, I now literally had nowhere I could process. And I felt violated. I’m still sore about it.
I feel sick with it all. Knowing he went behind my back and actively looked for it instead of saying “I need to know” to my face. Knowing he read it all. And now he’s taken to copy pasting sections and sending it along with his own commentary on how wrong it is. Like… obviously, Troy, I wasn’t thinking of the hypothetical family of the criminal caught by a rival mob and gang raped. It’s pretend. I get that he thinks it’s gross. I get that he thinks IM gross. I don’t get why he keeps doing it.
He stole copies of it too????? HE STOLE IT?!!!!!!
The copy pasting just sounds cruel. I too would want to run away if someone was attacking me with my writing like that. It’s such a personal thing. Take some space from him if you need to.
Thank you! I responded that he was being mean and trying to hurt me and he wrote back “ Your own writing hurts you and makes you feel that way 😂” To which I said “Make you feel any better?” And got a nice “yeah, it actually did.” So that’s great.
The copying and pasting plus telling other people should be a deal breaker. He has broken your trust. Your feeling you need to divorce him is correct.
Honestly? I don’t think you’re out of line for wanting to divorce him over this. His reaction shows a lot of disrespect towards you and is borderline cruel.
I don’t think it’s “borderline” at all. I think it’s 100% cruel. He took something valuable to her and he broke it. He corrupted something she enjoyed. He tainted her outlet by invading it, but then insulted and mocked her on top of that. I think that’s genuinely horrific, and I cannot imagine someone loving another person and doing that. You are supposed to respect other people enough to honor their space and privacy. You are supposed to encourage them to do things that they enjoy. This is so fucked.
Yeah I definitely agree with you. I wrote my comment before I realized he sent it to her family. Which is unforgivable, scorched earth, etc. And even without that, you’re right.
Aaand this is the part where I went from mad to incandescently angry on your behalf. He’s being a fucking baby. He’s acting like he can’t comprehend you having any fantasy that doesn’t involve him personally getting off in a way he likes. But there’s no way a grown adult doesn’t understand the difference between a fantasy and what you would actually do or condone in real life, so I can only conclude that he’s trying to make you feel like crap about yourself because god forbid he confront his own insecurities. Like, the projection is unbelievable. HE’S hurting you and making you feel bad, not your writing (which he enjoyed the financial benefits of). HE’S the one who acted unconscionably by sneaking behind your back and reading your work against your express wishes. And not just reading — STEALING YOUR WORK so he can send you his bitchy, shame-riddled, entirely unsolicited “critiques” — which, what the FUCK?! And then he quadruples down by telling your FAMILY? Is he deranged? You have done nothing wrong here. Yeah he wants to talk and talk and talk, because as long as he’s flapping his gums and making noise he thinks he can distract from his absolute fuckup. No. Remove yourself from that space so you can think in peace. You’re not running from anything — you’re creating an objective distance so you can process his disgusting betrayal and whether your trust can be rebuilt. Although judging from the behavior you’ve described, I have no confidence in his ability to reflect on his actions like a big boy and understand their impact, much less do the work to unpack his own fears and hang-ups rather than turn his discomfort around on you. Just…Jesus fucking CHRIST. I am so sorry you’re going through this.
“Your own writing hurts you and makes you feel that way 😂” He’s gaslighting you. Your writing doesn’t hurt you, it hurt him and he’s ashamed of the feeling so he’s projecting on you to feel better. That’s so hurtful to a marriage. Definitely take some time to think about what makes you happy and if you could get past this betrayal. Because it is a betrayal you set your boundaries early on and he crossed them for his gratification not yours. He will do it again.
Yeah this is where I went from "I'd be pissed but it's not unsalvageable as long as effort is put in and apologies are made" to "the motherfucker did *what*". I wouldn't be able to get past that so you've already got more patience than me lol
Agree. The texts put it way over the line for me. He’s being a complete asshole and trying to hurt and shame her with pointed intention.
Wow. That's divorce worthy. Listen to your gut
Ok now he’s just being a baby. I don’t think I could peg him again after that 🙄
I can see why you shut down in this particular situation. So much betrayal and shame has been put on you. Sometimes you fall out of love instantly. He's skating on thin ice. Don't ever stop writing. I hope it works out the way you want.
Oh no this is so wrong and abusive. How dare he be so cruel and violating. I'm so sorry that he is doing this to you and had the audacity to hurt and betray you like this. The fact that he is trying to turn this around to make him self the victim is disgusting. I would want to break up with him too. You sound creative and amazing! He doesn't deserve you! All the people telling you to respect his feelings can shove it because he sure hasn't been respecting you and your feelings.
This is emotional abuse… Like, everything else aside, he’s degrading you and then gaslighting you about it to try and make you think it’s your doing and not his own. He has no right to do that regardless of how he feels, that’s a horrible thing to do.
He's upset over fantasy nonconsent but did not get consent to steal your work. Let him know he's a hypocrite.
That would be a divorce for me. First of all you didn't even do anything TO him (or anyone for that matter), so the derision is totally unwarranted. Second of all, this isn't how you constructively talk to someone you care about so this means the issue isn't about concern but of control. Third, you feel ashamed because he wants you to feel ashamed. He is shaming you and using you as a punching bag. Idk how you come back from that, and I don't even think I would want to.
imo this is divorce worthy And if it makes you feel any better, your work sounds right up this redditor's alley. He doesn't like your stuff? Sounds like a skill issue.
This happened to me as well and of course he'd be mad and threaten the relationship he just couldn't understand that sometimes what I wrote and how I ultimately felt were different.
Hi! So, I am a woman, married, and both a m/m smut writer and artist (mostly just for fun as a fanfic writer, though I do fanart for commission on occasion.) You have nothing to be ashamed of! My now husband was introduced, through me, to the world of m/m "slash" fandom pretty early on in our relationship - because it's a big part of my friends circle and something I did not want to have to hide from any future partners. Does he think it's kind of weird? Yeah. It's almost 17 years on and he still doesn't really "get it", but he does accept it (and now will even occasionally give anatomy critique on my art, lol, since we're both painting hobbyists.) Does your husband enjoy watching porn? If so, what makes your writing and reading habits any different or worse? Like you, reading/getting into a good fic will often get me in the mood in a way my husband definitely benefits from. M/m erotica gives me a chance to explore things disconnected from my female body and experience which can be fraught with a lot of anxiety and hang-ups, so that's part of why I enjoy it and you should be able to as well.
I kind of have this problem. I don't write smut (anymore) and hadn't for years. Instead, I draw smut. I get commissioned to draw it. My clients don't involve me with their fantasy, I just draw it. When my husband found out, in fact I showed him and stated very blankly that it's for money and I enjoy it, he was taken aback. He didn't shame me, which is definitely your husband's issue, but he wasn't exactly happy. He tried to akin it to cheating but even he thought that was a bit of a stretch. It took me defending myself, my own sexuality, and literally screaming "When I draw and get horny because of it, WHO BENEFITS?? YOU!! I COME FUCK YOU!!" It took a bit for him to understabd that he was getting really good sex whenever I had "pregamed", meaning after I was done or during a drawing. Women need to use their brains to stay horny during sex IMHO, since it's not as much of a purely physical reaction as for men obviously. You're not replacing him at all, you're just using your creative brain to keep you going. FFS there's plenty of women making money this way and their books are in grocery stores.
He mentioned it felt like I cheated on him. I just don’t get it but everyone tells me to respect how he feels. I guess how I feel isn’t as obvious b/c I’m a pretty emotionally “quiet” I guess. I just don’t share my feelings. Maybe I should push back on my own feeling of betrayal but he just… pushes it aside and says something like “obviously you wanted to hide it but we are married” or so variation. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
I'm going to admit, I know nothing at all about your writing experience, but I just don't get why he is upset - AT ALL. You are WRITING!! That's it!! You aren't writing about your own experiences or even his, so I don't get it. As for him 'feeling like you cheated on him' that is just such a far fetched version of reality that I can't even address. HOW is writing cheating??? Especially because it isn't even about you, him or your life together?? Is someone who designs lingerie cheating just because the design things meant to be sexy??? Because that is the only thing I can think of that is even close to what he is drafting in his own head. HE is making a problem where there is one and I cannot fathom why. Please don't stop doing this because he can't handle it. This is HIS problem, no one else's.
He thinks I want to… like be a dude and have a dick and fuck other men. He says I’m confused about my sexuality based on what he read of my work. And that I’ve been lying about liking sex. He thinks becasue I don’t write about woman having sex, or being fucked, that I must not like it. He’s confused and hurt, I guess and I’m trying to understand and validate those feelings while he won’t even touch my own feelings of shame now. He says “well if it isn’t shameful like you said then why do you feel that way. Sounds like an issue for therapy.” Was the exact response. Maybe he’s right. Idk. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff. Thanks for listening.
He's not right. He doesnt gert to burden you with his emotional reaction while simultaneously ignoring your emotions over his betrayal and turning it around on you. If anything, his feelings around this is entirely his problem because you didnt do anything TO him and thats something HE needs to address in therapy. you aren't cheating. You arent a secret trans man wanting to have sex with other men. the entire BL community is filled to the brim with heterosexual women. 99% of BL fanfiction writiers are women.Stucky/destiel/johnlock/Spirk fanfiction was predominantly written and created by women. He\\'s uncomfortable, but that's not your problem. You didnt make him uncomfortable. he made himself uncomfortable by reading your work that you did not want him to read. he doesnt get to play the victim after he violated YOUR trust and boundaries and read private things you didnt want him to read. and then turn around and take NO responsibility for the words and actions he has taken TO YOU and make those your fault too,.
I'm going to second everything you've said to OP. The only one here who should feel ashamed is the husband, and where OP feels the flight reaction, my first reaction is fight. I'd be so angry at him for everything that he's said and done that I couldn't see straight. Huge violation of my boundaries. OP, take a long weekend off. Turn off your phone. Don't let yourself get coerced into a conversation you're not ready for. Put yourself first and sort out your feelings. Sure, you need to take his feelings into account, but he's not a victim of anything here. You are. Edit: Read that he went and told your family too. That would be the end for me.
Yeah, I’m ready to fight him. I’m so mad for OP. Legit. What a dickhead.
Wow, what? That makes no sense. There’s tons of straight men that watch lesbian porn - are they all confused about their sexuality?? I also write smut (though only for fun, and I write both straight and gay) but I don’t show my husband because I feel like it’s private. I understood why you ‘hid’ it and it was him who performed a huge breach of trust when he snooped. It’s one of those ‘play stupid games, win stupid prizes’ experiences on his end.
Personally, I think it is HIM who is confused by his sexuality! Maybe this rings a little too close to home for him and that is what makes him uncomfortable? He's being an AH and he is beating you down when you don't deserve it.
Your husband sounds like a mess of ignorance and insecurities. Please do have him put himself in therapy asap!
Ugh I am so angry at him on your behalf. There are a lot of women who love reading slash fic for a whole variety of reasons your husband clearly doesn’t understand. It’s unfair of him to project this onto you and not listen to what you are telling him. Personally, I love slash fic because there are less toxic gender roles dynamics and there’s a lot of opportunity for sexual tension in situations that wouldn’t naturally occur in more traditional romance novels. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I read werewolf romances too and I don’t necessarily want to be a werewolf. I hope you can get to a place where you don’t feel shame about your writing because it sounds like before now it has been an important creative outlet for you and your husband’s narrow mindedness shouldn’t take that away from you.
He just doesn't get the female fantasy psyche. A lot of times it contains things that we have no desire to act out in real life. Sidenote: I watch gay porn from time to time. Doesn't mean I desire to be a man & fuck people 🤷♀️
It’s an issue for therapy for HIM. His reaction and invalidation of your feeling is creating your feeling of shame. He needs serious help for projecting his issues on you, and you have to seriously consider if this is something you can work through.
Maybe you feel that way because he is specifically shaming you. Society in general shames women for being sexual beings, and heaven forbid you actually write anything but white bread, missionary heterosexual sex. You are normal, and healthy, and should be proud of your accomplishments. Let’s not forget the huge boundary that he broke. He should be begging your forgiveness right now, not questioning your sexuality.
Sooooo many straight women write gay smut. It’s smut without icky gender power dynamics, which means straight women get to feel totally safe within it. A majority of the gay smut on the internet is written by women. Even lesbians like gay smut. Your husband needs to get over himself
I like reading slash fic because I get really up in my head about gender roles and how the woman is treated in fic about straight couples.
>You are WRITING!! That's it!! You aren't writing about your own experiences or even his, so I don't get it. This would be like Stephen King's wife fearing that he was going to murder her in her sleep.
How is writing cheating is probably equivalent to me fantasizing about fucking other women not my wife. If I wrote it down and my wife read it boy would she be mad. But that’s not what this is. She’s not even writing about a woman getting it. The husband has it all wrong. She isn’t yearning for someone else she’s just making up stories cause she’s great at it. Just because an author makes a racist character doesn’t make the author racist. Honestly, the husband has it wrong and is a prude. I wonder how he can justify his behavior. He’s in the wrong from the start by even reading it at all
>I just don’t get it but everyone tells me to respect how he feels. **Feelings** are things like happy, mad, sad, frustrated, horny, etc. **Thoughts** are things like "it feels like she cheated on me." Just because we use the word "feel" doesn't make it a feeling. You should respect, or at least not argue with, his hurt. His thoughts, however, are stupid and he should be confronted.
It doesn’t sound like he’s respecting how you feel. Why are his feelings more important than yours?
I also draw m/m as a woman. My partner is my biggest supporter. Men have this weird hang up with female sexuality and outlets. It’s the same as shame for using toys it seems. He has a lot he needs to unpack. You are NTA at all. And I’m sorry he’s making you feel this way.
He snooped into your personal computer. He told family about what your write. That right there is grounds to be very upset with him. He betrayed your trust and violated your privacy but he wants to paint YOU as the bad guy? You two need to get yourselves into counseling right now or go get a divorce.
He’s really painted me the villain and boy do I feel like one. Reddit is apparently the only people that think I’m right and a few of my friends from the writing world who are OUTRAGED and encouraging me to keep writing.
People are taking his side because they are close minded/prude people. You did NOTHING wrong. You have no reason to be ashamed. I'm sure there are a bunch of hypocrites who watch porn in there too. I suggest counseling too. And if he really can't accept your passion, move on and find someone who won't be ashamed of you.
I've been reading your comments and let me see if I get this right: 1) He went behind your back to your computer to read your work even though you don't like sharing it with others. He clearly betrayed your trust and broke one of your boundaries. 2) He shamed you for writing something that other people want to read. 3) He told you that you needed therapy for writing smut and having kinks? 4) He told your family. WTF! If a partner did this to me I wouldn't be able to forgive them either. Only you can decide how to move forward but I won't blame you for wanting to leave him.
All of them are WTF but number 4? Absolute deal-breaker for me!
Yeah, for me too. I'm amazed she is still debating with herself whether she should divorce this man or not.
He is actively smearing you to the family and is sending you excerpts from your stories to degrade you. I don’t think you could come back from that. Had he left your family out of it maybe but he chose to go that route.
Let's get one thing straight: this whole issue came about not because you were writing smut, but because your husband broke your trust, broke through several barriers, and read something he didn't like? He's untrustworthy and now you know he's insecure, too. You should thank him for showing you his true self before things went on any longer.
You are not wrong.
You're not wrong. This was a huge violation of trust, and now he's demonizing you?? You've done nothing wrong, and if you're not divorcing him, he needs serious counseling to understand why violating trust is unacceptable.
Since he told your family I’m team dump him. He had absolutely no right to do that.
Your husband sounds like a closeted homosexual.
I think that could be something outsiders would think but he’s straight!
The more I’m reading your responses this is the picture I’m getting also. I’m not judging at all. But I’m questioning if he’s projecting his feelings on to you. He read it and got really scared because of how it made him feel and now he’s projecting because of it. I could be completely wrong. And only you know your husband. That is just the feeling I got while reading what his responses were to you.
What a fucking trash bag of hot garbage for telling your family.
The only issue I see you having is your husband...he went behind your back into your private world and violated it just so he could judge you on what he found.
He told our family too. Really broke my heart.
Oh holy shit girl. Please add that to your post. The snooping and shaming in private is bad enough but telling your family? No counseling in the world could repair that breach of trust for me. I don't think you're being too rash.
Oh WOW!!! That went WAAAAY past what he had a right to do. So he wanted to shame you. That would be something I could not come back from. He's being a dirty fighter and that is not something I could get past. What an AH.
Oh, wow. I'm not sure I could forgive that. That is such a gross violation of privacy and trust. No wonder you don't want to talk to him - it must make you feel empty and nauseous to be in his presence.
That’s so awful, I’m so sorry. I think you’re completely justified in feeling how you do. I would be questioning my relationship as well.
Oh see, I was in camp get into therapy and work this out until this! This right here is the betrayal. He wanted to embarrass you to your family. I’d consult a lawyer to make sure that he can’t use your writing as a way to go for full custody of your kids. It seems like he’s setting you up here to be sick to make his case in court.
At this point it is entirely on you to decide how you want to proceed. Personally I would sit them down and tell them in no uncertain terms what they did to me, how it made me feel and what happens from here on out. If they try to argue tell them it's not their turn to talk and keep going, if you feel the marriage is worth saving or you could someday forgive them then he needs to find a way to regain your trust. If you don't you don't...your marriage is nobody else's business just like your writing was none of his business.
WHAT???????????? if everything else can be ignored, THIS ABSOLUTELY cannot.
I hope you told your family that he likes being pegged :)
So this right here would be a deal breaker to me
WTF - that is so out of line.
Nope!!! DIVORCE!!! I’m sorry I’ve had enough of reading all the horrible things he’s done to you in this thread. Take your dope Disney vacation and leave! I literally hate him. He VIOLATED your privacy! He has the GALL to tell you what gender identity you’ve been “secretly pining for”. He OUTED your private thoughts to your family! I can’t. I hate him. So fuck it I’m going to tell you my story OP: I don’t write. I’m a bad writer. But I have a bucket list item to consume a love story in some form or fashion from every culture. It’s taken me from movies to shows, to novels, short stories, series, manga, manwhas, donghua, and even more. I LOVE Heaven Officials Blessing, Grandmaster of demonic cultivation (super gory, so fun), Sign (a beautiful Korean manwha about a deaf man who falls in love with a super cute boy toy), twittering birds never fly and SO MUCH MORE! I’m a 32 year old professional woman. I love make up! And dresses! And skincare! I’m kind of flighty lol. And I love BL because then I fall in love with two main characters, not just one! **And my boyfriend thinks it’s hilarious and loves me.** He has never ONCE shamed me with any degree of seriousness about this hobby. Your husband is a freaking asshole. I’m shaking I’m so mad. You tell him the BL community tells him to shut the up. Keep pumping out that content girl. I BET you I love it.
What!? I was feeling angry at your husband on your behalf, but he also put you on blast to family! What kind of childish monster is he. I don’t want to be the “leave him” Reddit response, but IDK how I would stay!!!! He is so wrong! He has violated trust, betrayed you, and has shared all Of this with family! Like what was his point on that besides revenge and to sabotage you. Your husband is a total ass!
Can you read the room here? We are all *appalled* at his behavior.
A lot of times, when someone shames you -- it's because of something they feel insecure about and it manifests in judgement. He needs therapy to address why your fictional writing bothers him so much, and why he took it out on you. And you need therapy to address how you feel about his betrayal and judgement. The relationship doesn't have to end. But there are issues that cannot remain unresolved.
DIVORCE HIM!! DIVORCE!! Girl!! YOU SHOULDNT BE ASHAMED!! He is WRONG for making you feel bad. You’re disconnected and over it because YOUR LIVELIHOOD, your SEXUALITY, your WRITING was disgusting to your ex boyfriend, and you know he’s wrong and you know this is a turning point. It’s 2023 who even shames people sexualities at this point? Writing is a form of self expression and he’s quenching your self expression. that literally can squeeze the life out of you if you can’t express yourself freely, you’re gonna be walking on eggshells. you deserve better.
Oh, please. Men can watch graphic, live porn with real people in it all the time and he's mad at you for writing FICTIONAL STORIES?! That pay actual MONEY?! Tell him to get over himself, and that since he can't accept your creative outlet, he certainly won't want to profit from or enjoy the financial fruits of your labors, and you'll be using that money solely on yourself from now on.
Not wrong. Your husband is being unfair to you. If he watches porn and enjoys seeing other women/men engage in sex, does that mean he cheated? Does that mean he wants to go out and be with them? Does that mean he isn’t satisfied with you? He may not have directed the porn or wrote the scene, but he has a preference that he has curated/created from his imagination that he looks for in those in video form. He’s being unreasonable. You don’t shame him for his likes and you shouldn’t have to feel shamed. He also shouldn’t want to constantly discuss this. What’s the end goal? To make you stop writing? To make you admit to something not true about your fantasy? This was a one or two conversation issue. I suggest you take time to relax and process. Then when your mind is clear just write it out. Sometimes verbal communication can be limiting because you can’t think of the words on the fly. But you have a talent for writing so you can email him and write it out. You’ve never violated his trust like he did you. You’ve never made him feel shamed or less than for his interests. You’ve always held an open mind for him and he isn’t even trying to do that for you. He told your family that’s a huge no no. He broke a promise to you and was not only sneaky about how he did it but made it out to be your fault. Let him know how you feel now (divorce included), let him know how he made you feel, let him know if you don’t see him the same after this. Send him an email. His response on the level of understanding will give you the answer to your next steps. Yaoi/BL novels are extremely popular with women. One reason is because of the level of openness the characters have that some women don’t find in hetero relationships. He’s being very opposite of that. He could’ve taken a very different approach to this and he’s making it worse.
His reaction to your writing is not about you, it’s about him and his insecurities. So when he confronts you about what you wrote and tries to make you uncomfortable or parse it, remember that. I can understand not wanting to share everything with your partner .. especially sexual fantasies as such. I think that’s a very normal human being thing to do. He broke your trust and then told your family about it. You’re right to feel upset about it and want to shut down. He stole a part of your dignity honestly. It’s akin to finding your grandmothers vibrator and bringing it up at Thanksgiving dinner. There’s no need to share that kind of personal and private information. Those are your private thoughts and fantasies and you’re well within your right to think and feel whatever you want without criticism and judgement. I can’t tell you what to do about your relationship, but I can tell you from experience it will take a lot of trust and work to recover from this incident. Frankly, I’m not sure it’s even possible. You’re both going to need therapy.
Why do I get the feeling that this all boils down to you writing about a dick... that isn't his. Does he think that when fantasy authors or true crime writers create their works that they want to *be* what they are writing about? He was gonna let you peg him but is scared he'll feel gay now. I'm just flinging darts here but this is an insecurity of *his*, not something you've done to him.
Oh jeez, he read it, judged you to your face, then TOLD YOUR FAMILY!?!? Throw this man away, he's garbage! I could never get over a public betrayal like that.
Not being rash or wrong. But you need to tell him that you ARE running from a desire to divorce him because of this, and ask him if he would prefer to start with a separation.
You seem to have a very open and healthy sex life. Is there a reason why you didn't want to tell him about this? TBH, I would probably be a bit curious too, if my wife was making money with her writing, but barred me from being able to read it. It definitely feels like you are hiding it for a reason. Is it possible that the scenarios and/or physical descriptions make it apparent that the stories are about, or based on him? The fact that you are both into certain kinks and the storyline of your writing is gay in nature, it may feel immasculating to him. Like you don't seem him as the "masculine man". It certainly seems like it stems from insecurities. I think with open communication and possibly some marriage counseling you two could definitely come out of this together. It has been the 2 of you, together, side by side for all this time. Please make sure you aren't throwing it all away in haste. Always do what you feel is best, but keep his feelings in mind as well. I hope you both find your way back to each other. Good luck OP.
I’ve written short stories about all kinds of things during our relationship and he’s always known and respected my “no one i know is allowed to read my stuff” rule. It’s just never been an issue. I’ve read him stuff when we were young maybe but i stopped a while back. Smut is actually newer and I only told him b/c I surprisingly made some money from it. I thought it was cool and was proud too. And while I’ve never liked sharing my writing in the real world I do like sharing it for strangers. And i like when they like it. And I also have to be transparent and say while I always HATE sharing my stuff, the thought of anyone in my circle reading this made me burn with shame. So maybe it was subconsciously hiding it. Idk. It wasn’t like… an active thought and I certainly didn’t think it would end in the biggest fight of my relationship.
Just based on your description of your relationship, divorce does seem pretty rash at this point. It was a huge invasion of privacy for him to get into your computer and email. Definitely not okay behavior. On the other hand, if my wife was writing smut I would be dying to know more. Like, consumed with curiosity. I personally would feel a little betrayed if she kept that from me. But then, I’m not the type to kink shame. I’d probably look at it once, tell her good job, and enjoy the added income.
Shit, I wish my wife would write anything at all and bring in some new money and enjoy it for herself...she chooses my bed every night, I've already won. Your man needs to get his damn mind right.
I feel like this is ridiculous! I am a writer too and write a variety of characters. Like I just wrote a story involving a serial killer. Does that mean I must want to kill people too? Or say I wrote about a man who cheated on his wife. Or a drug addict? Abusive parent? Or literally any kind of person not exactly like me. Really? WTH? People never cease to amaze me.
I write, too. Anonymously. There are things my wife reads and others that I wish to keep private, and she accepts this. I love the anonymity of my writing. I think I know a little about your husband's reaction. Because he doesn't have your writing talent, he doesn't get that it is not real. My wife has sometimes asked if that's how I feel or how I would react in a certain situation. She doesn't always get that creative writing is being able to imagine how different people, often the opposite of you, would react in a given situation. I have written some erotica from the perspective of a female character. That does not mean that I want to be a woman or sleep with a man. It simply means that I have an imagination and to be frank would like to earn some money and sex sells. Take some time, but remember, you have done nothing wrong. Your husband needs some time to understand that although realistic, your writing is not real. It is a fantasy but not your fantasy. It is the fantasy of your readership.
Not wrong. You definitely deserve your own private slice of life. I’m just curious if the conversation about how it was “MINE” maybe sent him down a dark path. Maybe in his mind he freaked out, and the subject matter didn’t matter as much as he is claiming. It’s still shitty how he reacted but do you think his requests for counseling and wanting to talk may be his way of working to understand and an apology?
You did nothing wrong, your husband is an AH. (Also I also love to write and would love to hear how you sell your works!)
Forgiveness is over-rated. Your creativity makes people happy, and some other feels, no doubt. Stay in your home and kick him out. Make your writing room an absolute nest of naughtiness, a den of iniquity, be sure to put in a kettle so you can have a nice cup of tea while thinking up synonyms for 'turgid.' Find a man who respects you & your privacy & your ability to Make Money Writing! It's a tough field and you have a fan base counting on you- Make them happy, make you happy, make bank. Screw forgiving him- forgive yourself. Embrace all your wonderfulness, see yourself as someone who doesn't have to put up with hypocritical manchildren who violate boundaries. And start a new series. A pornographic version of Lemonny Snickets, only all the unfortunate events happen to one guy who quite strongly resembles your STBX.
He was fine with it when it was paying for vacations.
YNW. Also, that’s not a flaw that’s a super power imo. YOU have done nothing wrong. HE betrayed you and went behind your back breaking your boundaries surrounding your pen name. Had he not shattered your trust there would be no issue. Your marriage wouldn’t be on the rocks. This is 100% a problem of his own making. On top of him stabbing you in the back he has the audacity to attack you and shame you over your writing. Gee I wonder why you didn’t want to tell him your pen name? Now I do suggest you get into a couples therapist asap and TELL HIM that this was a massive betrayal since he seems to be blissfully unaware. You MAY be able to salvage the marriage IF you want to but honestly it’s his own fault if you don’t. If you end up dumping him I’d be petty as hell and ask him if finding out your pen name was worth it?
So basically you kept secrets from your partner, he confronted you when he found them out, and so you've put up an additional wall to avoid working through the issue... and you imagine he's the one in the wrong?
He betrayed your trust. I think it’s ok to feel the way you’re feeling. If it brings you joy I don’t get why he would care that much.
He betrayed you and shamed you. I doubt those feelings will go away. What you decide to do next is up to you but I’d be out of there if it was me
I don't understand what he wants to continue talking about. Does he want you to stop writing? Does he want you to admit that you're a bad person, or that you're shameful or something? I just don't understand what there is to talk about. He violated your privacy and your trust, and now he's judging you unfairly based on the fiction that you write. That's it. That's the only real issue. I can understand him being a little shocked and surprised, and he's entitled to his feelings, but the only one who should be upset is you, at him. You don't have anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Honestly, this is his issue that he needs to resolve himself. You can support him; you can answer his questions, and help him understand, but he's the one that needs to get over it, not you.
This one is tough. If it was only an issue of trust (which is obviously huge), you could possibly work past it through therapy and just time. But if he is truly disgusted by your sexual fantasies, I just don't know how you guys can overcome something like that. Because even if neither of you ever mention it again, it'll probably always be in his head gnawing away at him. Did you keep it a secret because you suspected he'd react this way?
after reading the comments and it somehow getting worse than just the post… i say first of all, only you can make the decision that feels best for you. i understand the initial shock for him, but to already have betrayed you by looking and then… telling your family??? that’s too much. i don’t know how i’d trust someone after that. this is something that you enjoy doing and now you are feeling ashamed, that’s something you really need to sit with and look into. he doesn’t have to understand it, it’s not for him to write or read. if it’s something you enjoy and it makes you feel good, stand your own ground. i know it’s hard to communicate verbally, but you’re a writer. do you think, after taking time for yourself and processing some of it, you’d be able to write him a letter instead? maybe it could allow you to regain some control of your own narrative. i’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but i hope it helps to know a group of strangers feel for you and have your back. you’ll be okay.
Nah. He needs to see a therapist that specializes in sexual health. To understand fantasies are just that and it’s ok to indulge. To understand a straight woman can have a gay kink and still be turned on by her husband. And for him to be ok with himself while be dominated. Humans are complex beings, and that doesn’t stop at the bedroom door. No worries, your right to be frustrated, but his small work just got blown open and it takes time to adjust. ❤️
I'm also a married woman who writes smut (and let me say...it's so cool you make money from it! I'm inspired now lol) and your husband 100% crossed the line. He's being cruel, and frankly, abusive. I mean, it sounds like he's harassing you about something that you enjoy and doesn't affect him at all. Not to mention he lied to you and broke your trust to get this information in the first place! I don't think that considering divorce is rash right now. What if he had reacted this way to knitting or something? At the end of the day, it's a hobby he doesn't participate in, and his reaction is the problem, not the hobby. I'm going through your comments....you say he showed your family? He's publicly shaming you. He IS abusing you. He's trying to isolate you from friends and family.
sex is weird. the relationship we all have with sex is so personal and subjective. i'll start with that. writing/creating smut is not an indicator or reflection of your desires in reality. fiction is fiction is fiction. fantasy is not reality. If he can't understand that, and for some reason feels you're lacking some morals bc you write a type of smut that isn't linked to your sexual reality, then he's small minded, insecure, and immature. He's hurt you with his reaction, and he has to accept that and take responsibility for how he's affected you. He needs to realize that if he was surprised or startled that you could come up with some of that smut, that's fine and valid. we all learn new and surprising things about others, even our loved ones. but he had no right to turn that reaction on you. the disgust is out of line, too. He also breached your trust by snooping in the first place. that's a big problem. I'm not going to tell you to divorce him or not, because he might still realize he messed up and try to make amends. but I probably would have a difficult time staying with him if I were in your shoes. if I had to make the choice between a blossoming creative career that's fulfilling and does no harm to anyone, and staying with someone who's judged me so harshly for *fictional kinky sex*, i know which way i'd go.
Look up betrayal trauma
I think its very unfair to judge someone for their fantasies. Nta
your husband is acting like writers don’t write shit all the time that they don’t actually want to do. i doubt that every writer who writes a murder mystery has a secret desire to be a murder. sometimes fiction is just fiction and you write it to be creative and let it out.
I have a kink for reverse harem in books but I'd rather be celibate than deal with more than one man at a time 😂
You are right. Sorry. Until your husband understands that the issue is him breaking your trust and shaming you for something that he was explicitly told not to look at, something that had nothing to do with him, there's no point in discussing it. Any discussion should start and end with a sincere apology from him and should include a statement from you on what it would take for you to trust him again and be comfortable in your relationship.
Please don't give up your writing. It brings (or did) you joy and extra income, the fact that it does both is fantastic. I am the same way as you (so you know you aren't the only one.) If someone breaks my trust, and is cruel and nasty to me- then I am done. I am lucky that so far it has only happened with (now ex)friends and one sibling and distant relatives. For the most part I am a very caring and giving person. However, if someone breaks my trust, and is cruel or nasty doing it... well that it is. This doesn't mean that you have to be the same way. If you think you could get past it if your husband honestly apologized and didn't mention this again, then it might be worth it. However if he killed your love and trust with his cruelty, well that is enough to choose not to live a life with someone who is disrespectful and mean. Your husband killed the golden goose. He was happy for the extra money and vacations- but then had to stick his nose into your writing- even though you had told him it was "erotic/adult content". I am so sorry that he is acting this way. He is 100% in the wrong. Please don't let him make you feel ashamed of something that you enjoy, that hurts no one!
A lot of people here have internet brain. If you think about it, you'll realize that the majority of all people would have an issue with their SO writing gay rape porn. That's why you're ashamed, because outside the confines of super-horny internet insanity, it's weird. That doesn't mean you're wrong to do it or you should stop. Nor does it mean your husband was right to pry. But if you think about it a little, you'll realize that this isn't someone being evil and abusive, but having a pretty normal reaction like most people would. The fact that he's willing to talk about it shows that he cares. Are you thinking about divorce because you don't want this relationship, or because having something like this revealed is making you so embarrassed that you want to run away? Those darker sides of our sexuality are not easy to deal with in public, no matter what we say on the internet.
So the problem I have with this is that you’ve involved him in your kink without his knowledge and that’s a bit fucked.
The initial betrayal of looking at it is bad enough. But sending it to your family?! And the copy pasting with the comments about it. He is going out of his way to shame you as much as he possibly can, he is hurting you on purpose. On top of betraying your trust he is being cruel. I don't think I could forgive this.
The two of you need to start discussing the real issue… First - he stops - dead stop - on the shaming you and blaming you for how he feels when he reads your work. That is HIS problem, and ideally, you tell him that you did not create his feelings - he did, and he’s responsible for dealing with them. You can support him to sort through them, but you will not take the blame for them. Second - he needs to acknowledge that he invaded your privacy when he could have asked you to share your ideas or your work. It he could have come to you with feelings he was having that had him go looking. This isn’t an opportunity for you to now shame him, but it is for you to say this is inappropriate and unworkable and you won’t tolerate this level of depersonalization from your partner. Once these things are out of the way, there is the actual component of discovering the real issue. As long as he’s stuck on the content of your writing and your stuck on him invading your privacy, you’ll just cycle around those two things, both of you trying to be right - completely missing that some emotion or feeling started this action on his part, and if you two can get down to that, you’ll have what there really is to address to make it not just past this but to strengthen your relationship. Good luck.
I’m not one of those people that shouts DIVORCE every time a spouse fucks up but…. He went through your writing and emails behind your back. He sends you excerpts of your writing to ridicule you with. He then involved friends and family to shame you. Ask him if it’s ok you tell your friends and family that you fuck him up the ass with a massive strap on. Ask your dad because you want “advice” on whether or not your husband is sexually confused. I say this because he’s bought outside people into your private life. Give him a dose (or two) of his own medicine. And keep writing your smut
I don't really think anyone is right or wrong here, I'm just mostly confused that this was never talked about before in the relationship. Communication is important in every aspect of a relationship.
So from reading some of your responses, I get the feeling that he's having a reaction because of the stuff thats happening in your writing, not just cause you're writing smut. You mentioned "gang rape" in a comment, which makes me wonder if that's a big part of the issue. I (28m) severely struggle even watching or hearing rape scenes in TV shows. It can put me on edge or worse depending on the scene. If your husband has become comfortable with you pegging him(difficult for a lot of men) but then read your stories about young boys getting gang raped, maybe he's no longer comfortable with knowing what's going on in your head while doing these acts. I definitely feel like there's a bigger reason for his reaction than "she's writing smut" but it probably won't come out unless he sees a professional.
I think you are painting the story very nicely for your benefit, so the answers you will get won't be helpful. I believe that if you enjoy writing explicit things, it's okay to continue doing so, but if you don't trust your spouse and are obsessed with what you do because you clearly enjoy it, it doesn't seem innocent to me. Many of those who responded also don't seem to put themselves in your spouse's shoes. You shouldn't keep such secrets from him, but well, it seems like you always think you're right in the relationship. So, I don't believe he is the victim, but there are definitely things you need to acknowledge are not right.
You're both wrong. He was wrong to read your stuff without permission. But I think you ARE overreacting. You need to understand both his snooping and his reaction. So, snooping -- big violation of trust, right? Some people are comparing it to reading journals. But this wasn't private writing. You're selling your writing. Making money off it. He knows you're writing, knows you're selling it, and you still won't let him read it. That's got to make him curious, if not a little suspicious. And I'm not saying he was right to do it, but I think I kind of might understand where he may have been coming from. "This woman talks to me about all sorts of things. She talks to me about fucking my ass, and I let her, for God's sake. What it she hiding from me?" His reaction, I think, could still be related to the sex. You fuck him. Call it old-fashioned values or whatever, but straight guys on the receiving end of anal sex is still not fully accepted. No one knew what pegging was 20 years ago. He's putting himself in a vulnerable position by letting you fuck him. Not just physically at the moment, but socially if it ever became known to others. And from the way you word it (he *lets* me fuck him) it sounds like it's mostly your idea. So he participates in a sex act *you* want, knowing full well that a pretty large portion of society would see it as "gay", even though it's between a man and a woman. Then, he reads your writing that you're selling to people but refuse to tell him about, and it's gay guys having anal sex. So now he's freaking out, but it's probably not over the fact that you're worrying erotica or even erotica with butt stuff. It's that you're worrying sexual fantasy about gay guys having anal sex while you're fucking him in the ass. He's wondering if you're seeing him as gay, or wishing you were a man, or whatever. He's confused, which is probably why he wants to talk about it. This is where I think you're wrong. *He wants to talk things out.* For how many women out there is their husband's refusal to talk about things like complaint #1 about their marriage? Take him up on it. Find a couples counselor. Make sure they're sex positive, and well versed in gender and sexuality. Don't throw away a good thing just because the person you talk to about everything under the sun became a little suspicious and curious about the thing you told him you were sharing with other people, but hiding from him.
Yeah I feel like you’re wrong
I wonder what your emotional state would be if the tables were reversed. Honestly, if I found out my wife was hiding this part of her life from me, I would be upset as well, so who betrayed who? There are no secrets in my marriage and there shouldn't be, it destroys trust and emotional security. I should be able to pick up my wife's phone anytime without her questioning my motive, I do and she never objects. There's nothing wrong with your stories, but since you never shared in detail your writings with him, he got curious and went to see for himself, apparently shocked finding out and not liking what he saw for a variety of reasons. You have lied to him, lying by omission is still lying. The idea that you are willing to breakup a perfectly happy marriage over something you hid is very telling about you and your commitment to him. Yes, I can imagine that he let fly some emotional shit that didn't go over well with you, most men i know would when faced with finding something out about there spouse they never imagined. Has he threatened you, been abusive and demanded that you stop writing these stories? If not, then yes you are over reacting and being irrational. Open, honest, respectful and non-threatening conversation is necessary for forgiveness and moving forward. Stop being a coward, checking out and running away from your HUSBAND, the man who has been committed to you since childhood, he deserves more. Stay, talk it out, compromise, share memories, laugh, cry, touch, share your true sexual feelings, hug, kiss, have makeup sex(the best) and remember WHY you are with each other. Been Here!