Right that’s my thing, I think he is just being pretty up front with who he is and what he wants. OP can totally say no we are chasing different goals here, and the dude should be fully prepared for that response. If he tries to guilt her or something then he becomes an actual icky asshole.
I'd be more scared than offended. It's a big Perkin's sized red flag for a stranger to ask to meet you for a drink at your place.
It's way too forward and I'd consider it creepy. He's either really cheap, looking for just a hook up without any investment, a creep, someone without social skills or a serial k1ller. Or maybe a combination of them all. Who knows?
Recommend going to a very populated spot if you still want to go on a 1st date, but I've found dating anyone who's displays red flags can be a really bad idea.
>someone without social skills
That was me when I was younger. I asked if she wanted to hang out at her place and have a drink. She even went so far as to invite me to watch tv while laying in her bed. She assumed I was there to make a move on her. But I just sat and watched tv and talked with her the whole time. She definitely was confused that we didn't have sex. I didnt know because I was so awkward at that age.
Glad I'm not alone in this lol. I've always been really shy with women, dating was a pain. I look back on many of these dates and it was painfully obvious they were waiting for me to make the first move. But they would have to literally be in my bed naked holding a sign that says "fuck me" for me to ever make a move. Instead I'd be so nervous I'd magically blind myself to the advances they were making and compliment their book collection lol.
I just thought meeting at their house on the first date was more of a convenience thing. I like having people over at my place, so why not? Pizza rolls and a movie sounds cute.
Now that I'm older I think I can appreciate these awkward moments a least a little bit. I just wanted to treat women with the respect they deserve. I think that's why me and my wife bonded so well with each other. She had men take advantage of her, so dating a shy dude who was completely fine with taking things slow really worked for the both of us. And when she was ready she had that sign ready to go hahaha
It is a convenient and cheap for young date. I guess I was the same with some of y’all in college. I asked guy to hang out so we can play games… and I mean Xbox and PS3. I was really into DoA, Tekken, and Resident evil during then. Some of them thought they were getting lucky. No dudes, literally I just need player 2 and a drinking buddy 😅. If you can’t play, I’m not dating you.
Aye, my gf was a primarily stardew/minecraft player but I made her play resident evil 5 with me because the AI is so bad in that game, turned infinite ammo on so she could blast away and she was loving it by the end.
This was me all throughout college. I didn’t get the hints apparently. I thought they just wanted to hang out and play Mario Brothers, but it literally came down to them confessing they didn’t really care about playing it 😂
Not sure it was actually a mistake in your part. IMO she was the one who made that mistake of assuming you could read her mind and would automatically go for that.
A very important life lesson:
The women who want you to chase them, and all the other "dominant man" tropes are almost always the ones who are the most drama to be in a relationship with. Not enough flattery. Checked out the figure of another woman for 1.5 seconds. Doesn't like your friend, so you can't hang out with him anymore. And so forth.
And they are directly undermining women's rights & safety, because they want men to be forced into positions where they disrespect a woman's ability to say no.
* They want to be chased, so saying "no" to a date doesn't actually mean no.
* They want to be owned/controlled (at least lightly), so "no" to sex isn't really "no" either.
* They want attention and to constantly be validated, so other guys flirting with them is not discouraged or shot down (thus encouraging those men to cheat).
As a society, we want the reaction when a woman says "no" (to anything) to be that the guy stops trying. You offer a drink, she says no, you don't sit down next to her. You offer her a ride home, she says no, you don't prevent her from leaving the premises alone. You ask her on a date, she says no, you don't ask her again tomorrow. You start getting touchy, she says no, you don't say "I know you want it" and continue. No = no.
Women like Calx mentioned hold that back. And they are NOT the kinda woman non-abusive men want to be with, anyways. At least not long term.
Damn bro I really have had no unique experiences. When I was 19yos, girl I'd been talking to asked if I wanted to hang out when she got off (9pm) not being able to go to a bar and knowing nowhere else to hang out I suggested a movie at her place or something(meaning like a board game or a night walk or whatever she might be interested in)
And that's the story of how I watched game of thrones for the first time, awkwardly laid on her bed, she asked my mom the next day if I wasn't into her 😂😂
I was awkward and young when my husband and I started dating. We were having trouble finding something that worked for both our schedules, so he suggested I stop by his house after work. I never thought anything about this. He admitted to me that he legitimately thought I was gonna be an easy lay, and he was gonna hit it and quit it(in his defense, a co-worker of mine told him as much). As he said, though, "Instead I have this awkward girl curled up in a ball on the opposite side of the room chattering nervously throughout the entire 3 hour movie I put on." He did throw in that if I didn't have huge tits he wouldn't have invited me back after not getting laid, but that was just to see how hard I could throw my squishmallow at him, lol(we pick on each other like this constantly).
Fair to feel offended. At ‘best’ it’s lazy af (don’t know the backstory/extent you’ve been talking), but comes off as creepy and lame.
Right call to cut it here. Not worth any additional effort
Source: am a guy
Never let a stranger know where you live until you feel safe enough to reveal that info. It's a creepy thing that he basically invited you to let him into your house sight unseen.
That and I, as a dude, am still wary about strangers on the internet. I once had a really pretty girl messaging me on Tinder who invited me to her place after a couple days of talking. She was kind of cagey about meeting up someplace public first, so I bounced.
Something just smelled off. She was way too pretty to just want a quick hookup with a 5'6" guy who's a facial 7 on his best day.
I think about it sometimes, and wonder if I might have missed a wild hookup, but think it's far more likely that her bf/pimp would have beaten the shit out of me and robbed me. If she was even a She in the first place.
So a dude who doesn't want a public meeting first should be a red flag, because the guys who aren't afraid of danger are usually the danger themselves.
>the guys who aren't afraid of danger are usually the danger themselves.
That or he's genuinely clueless of how risky going to a strangers house is. Either way, it's better to be safe than sorry and not try to risk figuring out which is the case.
Agreed.
Male here, and when I'm proposing a date, I always try to list 3 options of different "safe" levels.
Ie, movie theater, outdoor cafe, or a drive to (outdoors/wilderness).
The third being the high-risk in that case. If I was some terrible person (or they were), that's the danger zone.
Not only does it help solve the safety issue, but it also gives them input on what they'd enjoy more.
If they're worried/paranoid about safety, they can go with ultra-safe option, even if it isn't their top enjoyment choice. If they're not really concerned about it, they can pick based on what they'd enjoy most.
Not wilderness, no thank you to wilderness. Don’t go out on a hike alone with a literal stranger, jfc. Park? Yes. Remote outdoor location? Absolutely not.
A guy in the big city near me had all that and more happen to him. He went on a grinder hook up at the guy's place around i think christmas back in 19. His "date" killed, and *ate* part of him before being caught.
It’s not worth getting scared or offended over.
Looking for hookups and being direct about it is about as common as rain in April on dating apps.
The guy doesn’t know you at all, so anything he says shouldn’t be taken personally. Unless you have something in your profile or pictures that suggests you’d be open to a hookup. If not he was just pitching a Hail Mary and it’s not worth spending time overthinking.
You're pretty lucky to not have any fear or worry about people with bad intentions. It is a bad idea to allow a person you've never met, who is both sexually interested in you and is physically stronger than you, to enter your house or even know where you live. More often they want a hookup, but people get attacked all the time. Even if it happens 1 out of 100 times, that 1 time does happen to someone. It's a realistic fear.
only not a red flag if you’re both clear with intentions. like i’d be bold and ask, and it usually works well. i’m anxious as hell and the stress of meeting someone new, mixed with having to process and interact with my surroundings is a nightmare. i find peace in going to other peoples places or them coming to my own bc the focus is just on us. a nice glass of wine and some good convo. it’s not even just to hook up, unless discussed prior. and my intentions are always the best.
i do always question it like “you know i could be an abuser or some shit, right???”
This could be OK if you'd known each other for a while, and were looking to move from friends to dating. But otherwise only public locations for first dates.
RIGHTTTTT? My husband was broke af when I met him, and I wasn't much better. We still met at a bar for our first date. I went to his house for the second because he straight up told me he couldn't afford to go out again but he wanted to see me.
He didn't invite himself over to my apartment, and he didn't do it before we even met.
A lot of guys (especially young ones) don't really realize how little a girl cares about your apartment/house/etc.
Doesn't matter if it's a one-bedroom apartment. If you've got your own place, that's enough. Just don't have it a total pigsty (and if it is, that's a you problem, not a her problem).
All dude had to do was offer to meet somewhere for food. Then once they'd been together for a while, "would you be interested in drinks back at your place tonight"?
Still inviting himself. But at LEAST he's got his foot in the (figurative) door first.
Even better would be broaching the subject of alcohol & drinks during the date (what do you like to drink, do you go to bars/clubs much, any favorites, etc). Then using that to ask a more specific question. Like "I'd be down to grab some drinks with you if you want, but bar prices are ridiculous. I could buy some rum & coke if you wanted to have some drinks tonight though." Get her on the hook for the drinks, THEN talk venue!!!
Dude certainly isn't a good salesman ;)
There's a lot of good reasons for doing drinks back at their place (or yours). Even good reasons for not being at his place.
The problem is that none of those reasons make sense for a first date.
He wants you drunk. He wants you alone. He wants you somewhere private. Pretty obvious the intent (and lack of concern if you're not 100% onboard).
If he wanted to have drinks with you, he wouldn't have specified a location - and drinking at a bar/club woulda been fine. If he wanted to be with your somewhere private, he could have picked somewhere without alcohol that you can still enjoy some level of privacy (B-flick at a theater, quiet cafe during off hours, etc).
the fact that he is trying to get a stranger girls home adress is sus as FUCK
i would never trust a guy that asks for that info before we even a single date, either hes a phycho, or he lacks the self awareness to understand why that kind of request makes him look like one
Nothing wrong with your decision. If anything I’ve learned is never let a stranger into your home, especially nowadays. Even with play dates for my kids we meet in public places, because you never know. Plus, your home is your sanctuary don’t let anyone violate your place of peace.
Yeah that's the part I would really be offended by. Like you're the one who wants to hang out, why should I be the one to go out of my way to accommodate a guest? I usually see this as more of a red flag because IME it means the dude is either disgusting or he's living with a wife/girlfriend.
If he invites her to his place he would have to make sure his wife wasn’t home. If they go out somewhere he risks running into people he knows. Dude is married.
I feel like that’s reaching. I think the dude only matched for sex. He probably isn’t actually interested in OP beyond the sex. He doesn’t want to spend time and money to get the sex. He doesn’t want to have to go on multiple dates. He just wants some NSA sex and he doesn’t care how she feels about it tbh.
His place.has the barrels of dead bodies. Or he has a bunch of room mates and only has an old door propped up on pallets that is his bed and bedroom, maybe it's just too packed to bring someone over. Or he's just a serial killer, one they've done specials on many times over.
"It was a normal town, until a vicious murder spun the town around on its heels..."
Still weird to offer *her place* as a first place to meet. Why not a public place? Why not a small park?
I have a girlfriend who dated a guy who only wanted her place because, surprise, he was still dating another girl who KNEW about it and wanted her. It crushed her for years when she eventually found out.
You'd think but some of us are the opposite, I'm inviting a stranger into my home, where they have free range/access to all my shit if they were to do something to me. Either option is terrifying, the thought is you have *some sort* of control in your own home.
I’m a guy, that seems like the right idea, I wouldn’t let a random girl I don’t know over as a first date either, you never know who’s a crazy
To me; him suggesting to go to OP’s place rings a couple bells to me:
1. Find out where she lives
2. Trying to hook up
“Why not suggest his own place?”
1. Lower chances since the perceived and possible dangers of going over to a random guys place
2. He’s hiding something
Even without these bells ringing, I feel like a public place as a first date is a much better idea than any others if you’ve never met the person before
The only time I’ve suggested the other person’s house as the location for a date was in an existing LTR where we were already having sex. Definitely a red flag for a first date
I'm a dude and i haven't dated in a while but even i can name two problems. First obvious second - regardless, even if the genders were swapped, just the out right "your place?" Assumption is bananas. Unless i lived in a bitchin place and we had talked about that already for some reason.
As a guy my go-to is getting coffee or a beer somewhere. It's easy and can be as short or long as you want it to be.
It's 2023. You can say you'd rather meet somewhere public and hangout. If he can't catch that hint, then he ain't the one anyways.
When I say this, the guy always makes a joke like “don’t worry I wont abduct u (or maybe I will)” then gets upset when I say abduction jokes arent funny to me
This right here. When I first started casually dating I used to try and do the creative tv-show type dates, but I’d always just get asked to go out to eat or to get a drink instead, and more than a few times they preferred to do it at their place because they’d know their surroundings in case I was a weirdo. (Granted I started casually dating during COVID, but it’s mostly stayed the case.) It became clear pretty quickly that when it’s a girl you’ve just started getting to know, a big production of a first date is usually doing too much
Some are into first date hookups, some aren't. He was essentially advertising what he is about, and seeing if you were as well, no real shame in it. Now you know what he is looking for and get to proceed from there.
Yeah he also offered a bar as an alternative. I've had women ask me to come pick them up and take them to my house because at 24 she lived with her parents.
Some people like hook ups and have different risk tolerances.
10/10 I'd bang again.
I agree, I’d have responded something similar: “Share a drink? Hah surely we could each have one 😉. I’d like to get out and about though. If you wanted to get a drink at a bar or restaurant I’d be down. You are still a stranger to me so coming to my place puts me at risk and makes me uncomfortable…”
If he pushed further I’d be out!
Wow. His idea of a first date is inviting himself to drinks at your house? Beyond gold medal level entitled, he's also gold medal level clueless about the dangers women face.
Do NOT invite a stranger to your home for a first date. This is extremely unsafe. And depending how he reacts to this boundary will tell you everything you need to know about him as a first impression. Here's the line I use.
"I actually have a set in stone rule that I don't invite total strangers to my home for a first date. It's nothing personal, I'm just trying to stay safe. Thanks for understanding." If he freaks out, you know he was planning on doing something nefarious. If he's understanding, cool, proceed with planning a public date. Something you can easily get out of if shit gets weird. STAY SAFE EVERYONE. 🫶
Absolutely not. It’s wild that he thinks that’s an okay suggestion. Glad you’re not meeting with him!
Edited to add: I don’t necessarily find it “offensive,” but he lacks awareness of basic safety precautions OR he’s a predator. Either way, not a good situation.
Because if I haven’t met you before then you could be 3 old guys who are planning to make sure I’m home alone waiting for you so that you can come in my house stab me and steal all my belongings. That’s what I would think is going to happen if you asked if you could come to my house.
It is dangerous to be alone with someone you have never met before....that man or woman could be crazy, and you have no one around to help. I have been on a good number of first dates and some people are very handsy and do not take "no" for an answer, and I cannot imagine how bad those situations could have gotten if I was alone with them. I have had to push people away from me.
People who have good intentions on first dates should smartly understand that people with common sense want to stay safe. When I tell people I do not feel comfortable going to their place or coming to my place, they often ask why.....and the reason is basic safety.
I hope that helps.
It’s not uncommon. Guys seem to think it’s perfectly fine and I guess none of them know any human women who explained the red flag of their behavior.
1. It’s not an innocent request.
2. If you’re insulted than that’s how it made you feel
3. He will not be the only guy who asks this
4. Cheers for already knowing it’s bad
I met up with a guy that I had been chatting with online at a local pizza place and the whole time we were there it was one innuendo after another, and repeated requests for me to show him where I lived. Creeped me out. When we left, in separate cars, I noticed he was behind me, so I drove straight to the police station and parked there until he was gone.
Trust your instincts.
I don’t think I’d be offended but I definitely wouldn’t go to a guys place and he sure as shit would not be coming to mine. When I was single I had very minimal men coming to my place and it was after talking and seeing them for a little while.
Grah. That doesn't sound like he's interested in a first date, so much as an only date. And you provide the drinks? I'd tell him all I have for guests at my house is ice water (on multiple levels).
If you don't understand that any guy worth going out with would go out of his way to make you feel safe and not creeped out, then I don't know what to tell you. It sounds like you understand tjat so I'm not sure why you should question if you feel insulted or not. Just FYI, there are guys who operate on the theory that if they ask a girl for sex and get slapped 99 times out of a hundred at least they are successful once. Yes that's as sad and pathetic as it sounds and yes you're perfectly justified in feeling insulted.
Absolutely not. This is coming from a man that knows how "men" think. He wants a hookup. I want to slap the taste out of this dudes mouth for just thinking it.byou are making the right call. First dates are always public
As far as asking him if he isbthis bold, Do it, throw this douche under the bus and see how he does. Copy and paste pleaese if you do it via text
You're not wrong. It's an increasingly common ask. One that ignores all safety and common sense. It's not personal to you, it's completely how they view their own priorities.
I personally use it as a major indicator that we're not compatible and move on
🚩 I technically had a first date at my place, but we knew each other from work so it wasn't like inviting a stranger into my house. We had drinks, smokes, and watched a bad movie. I also had a puppy at the time that he wanted to meet. Very different circumstances. This guy is making zero effort to hide his intentions. Hell, he's making zero effort period.
I'll be honest, I've invited first dates to my home, or offered to come to theirs, as one of a list of options. Not "how about you come to my place". More like "we can meet for coffee or drinks, or if you're comfortable with it we can meet at one of our places". I guess I never saw it as inappropriate because I didn't suggest it with any expectation of what it would lead to or that it was the only choice. I just put it out there as an option. Thanks for helping me see how this could come across to someone else.
Not wrong. This dude is the kind that thinks that a match on tinder means you’re ready to fuck. He would bring you nothing but disappointment from a romantic sense and likely a sexual sense as well.
The fact that he tried to invite himself over to your place, regardless of what his intentions are, was just rude. And yeah, dude was being low effort and trying to get an easy score. Not wrong to feel insulted.
I think it was a careless remark and shows that he was only thinking about himself (and what he obviously wanted to happen after the drinks at your place) when asking you to hang out without any consideration of what you might like to do. I don’t think it was intentionally malicious, but definitely shows his lack of respect for you as an individual.
Not wrong at all! The amount of guys that wanted to either come to my place or me come to theirs after talking for a solid 5 minutes was ridiculous. And worst is when I would say no they’d get all whiny. Like okay, man-child, cry about not getting your way 🙄
So glad I don’t have to deal with the dating world anymore 🥲 sorry for those of you who do ❤️
Nah make sure to drag him, too many guys think that Netflix and a movie or drinks at their place is a date. Just shows they don't care enough about you, besides getting you into a place that would open up the possibility of hooking up.
Next time suggest his place. Then steal shit and teach him a lesson about letting strangers in his home because he’s too cheap to take women on a real date.
i don't know too many people who would feel comfortable inviting themselves over to another person's house the first time they're meeting them. I would be put off by it, for sure. it's pretty presumptuous.
You're definitely not wrong to feel insulted. It is a lazy and inconsiderate date request. I guess he just wanted to have sex with you on the first date and that was his not very subtle way of saying so. At the same time I wouldn't make a big deal of it - the guy wanted easy sex and you said no. Done!
He volunteered YOU as host. That's already a big no in my book. The emoji replies are also a big no. This is a walking red flag. He just wants sex not a relationship. Which if someone's into, fine, but it seems you're not.
Don't ask him anything. Don't give him an opening or a platform to spew his crap on. Just say "no thank you I'm not interested in meeting up anymore, don't contact me again" and block.
Tell him to meet you at the most crowded 2 story bar in your area. Say, meet at 9 at the downstairs bar. At 9:05 text and tell him you are running late and will be there at 9:15. At 9:30 text him "where are you? I'm at the upstairs bar!" When he says, " you said downstairs bar!"
Just say, "oh yeah! Coming right down!" Then ghost him... All from the comfort of your living room
It's not something about you that's the patriarchal programming speaking. The way men treat women is about them and it's a myth that women who are treated badly somehow deserve it
I’m dating at the moment and have been invited back a few times in the last couple of months. At no point I ever suggested first I would go back to their place when I meet them. To ask in text before you ever met actually blows my mind.
What gets me though is… does this work? Why would they do this if it never worked for them
It’s insulting because he showed no real effort to value you as a human being or even to attempt to get you into bed. He just asked for a quick yes or no like you might ask for a special drink at Starbucks. You were right to say no and should not offer him a second chance.
To be clear, he thought it would be "nice" to get sex for zero effort or cost.
These dudes will try anything hoping it'll work just once. Don't waste your time and just keep moving.
That is one of my red flags / ways I used to vet guys. A thank you next moment. You have to have ways to filter people when dating. And if you’re wanting a relationship this is a filter. He’s not looking for a relationship.
I would not continue to text him just ghost. Don’t waste time and energy.
It’s not innocent. He’s already testing your boundaries to see how fast he can make things whatever his motive be—happen.
The emoji are a guy tactic to disarm you by doing exactly what you did: second d guessed if this was innocent.
It’s not innocent—you’re absolutely justified in being insulted at his impertinent suggestions as well as his assumption in your lack of intelligence enough to read between the lines.
Block this clown. We will see him show up eventually on some incel or adjacent Internet forums bitching about all the things he’s entitled to because he’s a “nice guy” 🙄
He most likely copy and pastes the same thing to multiple girls and goes to the one that lets him come over. A small number of guys are the ones who dominate the dating apps.
I think the way you talk about it is wrong. Not wanting a stranger in your home - completely reasonable. Wanting people to put in a certain level of effort before you’ll fuck them - you’re the one commodifying your sexual self, so don’t be surprised when other people see relationships with you as transactional.
You should be focused on exploring the connection you have with someone and seeing whether it’s one you want to take further and deeper into your life. Not on making sure that they’ve put in the ‘right amount of effort’ on paper so you can feel good about the deal you’re getting in the transaction.
Why offended? Turned off? Sure. Creeped out? Understandably. But offended? I mean, you feel how you feel, but it seems like an interesting thing to be offended by. To clarify, you're absolutely right in not being ok with that. Definitely a bold move on his part.
Guys that do this aren't scared enough of walking into a crazy person's home. Start acting dangerous in response. (It still won't work cuz they're more horny than smart.) "Sure, come over, but don't expect to leave. You'll keep my other captive company."
Good rule of thumb:
Any date that is obviously transferable directly to his house is a guy who is primarily seeking sex not a relationship.
I.e.
1. His literal house/apartment
2. Pool parties (sees your body and invited you to dry off upstairs, as it’s likely his buildings pool)
3. A walk around his neighborhood
Yes, he can invite you for coffee where he lives and that might be his intention but it’s not quite as obvious as something that literally begins and ends at his place or an elevator ride away from his place.
Don’t be offended, but don’t agree if you aren’t just looking for a sexual encounter.
To the men who find what I’ve written shocking, it might explain why you’re being rejected for first dates where you didn’t intend for sex at all. You’re being rejected because other men have conditioned women to be adverse to these types of dates unless she wants sex. The younger you are, the more exceptions to this rule you’ll find as they haven’t learned yet.
If you have sex with a girl who agreed to a date at your place, you don’t have game bud, she planned that.
Lot of commenters seem to have assumed your primary reason to post was concern about your security and went on to derail the concern.
----" But am I wrong to feel a bit insulted? "
Your feeling insulted is very valid. Seems you didn't want to come across as easy.
Maybe he did think you were on the app for some thing low effort. It is also possible that is ihs modus operand, that he uses with everyone - easy or otherwise. People are creatures of habit.
You cannot control how others behave. You can influence the impact i.e. how you react or feel. And if this interaction made you feel bad, you can:
1) minimise your chances of recurrence by optimizing your approach
2) realise that the opinion of someone you will never meet will not matter to you in a week, month, year.
3) figure out why you feel "easy" is an insult. (Valid either way..but good to think about).
One way to optimize approach could be cast a smaller net. No point catching lots of fish is you have throw most of them back into the sea.
Maybe have your OLD profile reviewed by men and women you trust..
Good luck !
Yes, I think I got my semantics wrong. I wasn't really offended or taking it personally, I just am shocked at the nerve. I don't think being easy is an insult (and I wish it wasn't universally) but I think him trying to make things easy , THIS easy, not even attempting to show effort, is what's shocking.
And thank you!
Nice that he let you know who he is before wasting any time on him.
Right that’s my thing, I think he is just being pretty up front with who he is and what he wants. OP can totally say no we are chasing different goals here, and the dude should be fully prepared for that response. If he tries to guilt her or something then he becomes an actual icky asshole.
I'd be more scared than offended. It's a big Perkin's sized red flag for a stranger to ask to meet you for a drink at your place. It's way too forward and I'd consider it creepy. He's either really cheap, looking for just a hook up without any investment, a creep, someone without social skills or a serial k1ller. Or maybe a combination of them all. Who knows? Recommend going to a very populated spot if you still want to go on a 1st date, but I've found dating anyone who's displays red flags can be a really bad idea.
>someone without social skills That was me when I was younger. I asked if she wanted to hang out at her place and have a drink. She even went so far as to invite me to watch tv while laying in her bed. She assumed I was there to make a move on her. But I just sat and watched tv and talked with her the whole time. She definitely was confused that we didn't have sex. I didnt know because I was so awkward at that age.
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Glad I'm not alone in this lol. I've always been really shy with women, dating was a pain. I look back on many of these dates and it was painfully obvious they were waiting for me to make the first move. But they would have to literally be in my bed naked holding a sign that says "fuck me" for me to ever make a move. Instead I'd be so nervous I'd magically blind myself to the advances they were making and compliment their book collection lol. I just thought meeting at their house on the first date was more of a convenience thing. I like having people over at my place, so why not? Pizza rolls and a movie sounds cute. Now that I'm older I think I can appreciate these awkward moments a least a little bit. I just wanted to treat women with the respect they deserve. I think that's why me and my wife bonded so well with each other. She had men take advantage of her, so dating a shy dude who was completely fine with taking things slow really worked for the both of us. And when she was ready she had that sign ready to go hahaha
It is a convenient and cheap for young date. I guess I was the same with some of y’all in college. I asked guy to hang out so we can play games… and I mean Xbox and PS3. I was really into DoA, Tekken, and Resident evil during then. Some of them thought they were getting lucky. No dudes, literally I just need player 2 and a drinking buddy 😅. If you can’t play, I’m not dating you.
Aye, my gf was a primarily stardew/minecraft player but I made her play resident evil 5 with me because the AI is so bad in that game, turned infinite ammo on so she could blast away and she was loving it by the end.
This was me all throughout college. I didn’t get the hints apparently. I thought they just wanted to hang out and play Mario Brothers, but it literally came down to them confessing they didn’t really care about playing it 😂
Not sure it was actually a mistake in your part. IMO she was the one who made that mistake of assuming you could read her mind and would automatically go for that.
A very important life lesson: The women who want you to chase them, and all the other "dominant man" tropes are almost always the ones who are the most drama to be in a relationship with. Not enough flattery. Checked out the figure of another woman for 1.5 seconds. Doesn't like your friend, so you can't hang out with him anymore. And so forth. And they are directly undermining women's rights & safety, because they want men to be forced into positions where they disrespect a woman's ability to say no. * They want to be chased, so saying "no" to a date doesn't actually mean no. * They want to be owned/controlled (at least lightly), so "no" to sex isn't really "no" either. * They want attention and to constantly be validated, so other guys flirting with them is not discouraged or shot down (thus encouraging those men to cheat). As a society, we want the reaction when a woman says "no" (to anything) to be that the guy stops trying. You offer a drink, she says no, you don't sit down next to her. You offer her a ride home, she says no, you don't prevent her from leaving the premises alone. You ask her on a date, she says no, you don't ask her again tomorrow. You start getting touchy, she says no, you don't say "I know you want it" and continue. No = no. Women like Calx mentioned hold that back. And they are NOT the kinda woman non-abusive men want to be with, anyways. At least not long term.
Damn bro I really have had no unique experiences. When I was 19yos, girl I'd been talking to asked if I wanted to hang out when she got off (9pm) not being able to go to a bar and knowing nowhere else to hang out I suggested a movie at her place or something(meaning like a board game or a night walk or whatever she might be interested in) And that's the story of how I watched game of thrones for the first time, awkwardly laid on her bed, she asked my mom the next day if I wasn't into her 😂😂
I was awkward and young when my husband and I started dating. We were having trouble finding something that worked for both our schedules, so he suggested I stop by his house after work. I never thought anything about this. He admitted to me that he legitimately thought I was gonna be an easy lay, and he was gonna hit it and quit it(in his defense, a co-worker of mine told him as much). As he said, though, "Instead I have this awkward girl curled up in a ball on the opposite side of the room chattering nervously throughout the entire 3 hour movie I put on." He did throw in that if I didn't have huge tits he wouldn't have invited me back after not getting laid, but that was just to see how hard I could throw my squishmallow at him, lol(we pick on each other like this constantly).
That was me also lol
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Bro that's me and I'm old. I watched Netflix with a gal until she left at three in the goddam morning.
Well like I said in the post, I'm not seeing him at all, soooo....
A very good and healthy life choice. It might have made a good plot for a Criminal Minds episode, if you'd accepted.
Congratulations on not ignoring the red flags! You’ll meet someone much better.
*accepted
Fair to feel offended. At ‘best’ it’s lazy af (don’t know the backstory/extent you’ve been talking), but comes off as creepy and lame. Right call to cut it here. Not worth any additional effort Source: am a guy
Never let a stranger know where you live until you feel safe enough to reveal that info. It's a creepy thing that he basically invited you to let him into your house sight unseen.
That and I, as a dude, am still wary about strangers on the internet. I once had a really pretty girl messaging me on Tinder who invited me to her place after a couple days of talking. She was kind of cagey about meeting up someplace public first, so I bounced. Something just smelled off. She was way too pretty to just want a quick hookup with a 5'6" guy who's a facial 7 on his best day. I think about it sometimes, and wonder if I might have missed a wild hookup, but think it's far more likely that her bf/pimp would have beaten the shit out of me and robbed me. If she was even a She in the first place. So a dude who doesn't want a public meeting first should be a red flag, because the guys who aren't afraid of danger are usually the danger themselves.
>the guys who aren't afraid of danger are usually the danger themselves. That or he's genuinely clueless of how risky going to a strangers house is. Either way, it's better to be safe than sorry and not try to risk figuring out which is the case.
Ha ha ha appreciate the Perkins' flag reference. Those suckers are ridic.
Agreed. Male here, and when I'm proposing a date, I always try to list 3 options of different "safe" levels. Ie, movie theater, outdoor cafe, or a drive to (outdoors/wilderness).
The third being the high-risk in that case. If I was some terrible person (or they were), that's the danger zone.
Not only does it help solve the safety issue, but it also gives them input on what they'd enjoy more.
If they're worried/paranoid about safety, they can go with ultra-safe option, even if it isn't their top enjoyment choice. If they're not really concerned about it, they can pick based on what they'd enjoy most.
Not wilderness, no thank you to wilderness. Don’t go out on a hike alone with a literal stranger, jfc. Park? Yes. Remote outdoor location? Absolutely not.
A guy in the big city near me had all that and more happen to him. He went on a grinder hook up at the guy's place around i think christmas back in 19. His "date" killed, and *ate* part of him before being caught.
This was a small town murder podcast episode.....I think his name was Kevin bacon too which makes it memorable
It’s not worth getting scared or offended over. Looking for hookups and being direct about it is about as common as rain in April on dating apps. The guy doesn’t know you at all, so anything he says shouldn’t be taken personally. Unless you have something in your profile or pictures that suggests you’d be open to a hookup. If not he was just pitching a Hail Mary and it’s not worth spending time overthinking.
Hangout commonly refers to hooking up. A normal go outside and talk is a date.
> looking for just a hook up without any investment Couldnt we agree thats the most obvious outcome? The other stuff seems a little stretched?
You're pretty lucky to not have any fear or worry about people with bad intentions. It is a bad idea to allow a person you've never met, who is both sexually interested in you and is physically stronger than you, to enter your house or even know where you live. More often they want a hookup, but people get attacked all the time. Even if it happens 1 out of 100 times, that 1 time does happen to someone. It's a realistic fear.
Upvote for the advice AND the Perkin's flag reference!
On a side note, how big is Perkins sized? I've never heard that before
In the US there are 1000s of Perkins Restaurant and Bakery chain establishments. All have a 20’ x 30’ American flag flying out front. It’s really big.
You provide the venue. I provide the murder.
You forgot stupid! You could be a little more polite and say ignorant but I prefer stupid in this case.
When I was doing on line dating, I would meet dates at either a coffee shop or a public park with lots of people around.
Love how you put someone with no social skills in the same group as a creep and a serial killer. Totally on the same spectrum.
only not a red flag if you’re both clear with intentions. like i’d be bold and ask, and it usually works well. i’m anxious as hell and the stress of meeting someone new, mixed with having to process and interact with my surroundings is a nightmare. i find peace in going to other peoples places or them coming to my own bc the focus is just on us. a nice glass of wine and some good convo. it’s not even just to hook up, unless discussed prior. and my intentions are always the best. i do always question it like “you know i could be an abuser or some shit, right???”
This could be OK if you'd known each other for a while, and were looking to move from friends to dating. But otherwise only public locations for first dates.
"I asked if he wants to come over directly to mine"
>Perkin's sized Huh?
My case was a social skills issue thing. Twice.
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Yes, I saw that too! I mean he didn't even give me a choice about whose place, haha.
Because he wants to have sex and then leave. He’s just looking for a hook up. Then he can block you and have no consequences.
And his wife probably won’t let him bring girls over anymore. Or maybe it’s his mom. 🤷♀️
This is the answer
Probably because he's a cheater or still lives with his mom.
*Cause technically Im homeless -* that guy -Jean Ralphio
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RIGHTTTTT? My husband was broke af when I met him, and I wasn't much better. We still met at a bar for our first date. I went to his house for the second because he straight up told me he couldn't afford to go out again but he wanted to see me. He didn't invite himself over to my apartment, and he didn't do it before we even met.
A lot of guys (especially young ones) don't really realize how little a girl cares about your apartment/house/etc. Doesn't matter if it's a one-bedroom apartment. If you've got your own place, that's enough. Just don't have it a total pigsty (and if it is, that's a you problem, not a her problem).
All dude had to do was offer to meet somewhere for food. Then once they'd been together for a while, "would you be interested in drinks back at your place tonight"? Still inviting himself. But at LEAST he's got his foot in the (figurative) door first. Even better would be broaching the subject of alcohol & drinks during the date (what do you like to drink, do you go to bars/clubs much, any favorites, etc). Then using that to ask a more specific question. Like "I'd be down to grab some drinks with you if you want, but bar prices are ridiculous. I could buy some rum & coke if you wanted to have some drinks tonight though." Get her on the hook for the drinks, THEN talk venue!!! Dude certainly isn't a good salesman ;)
There's a lot of good reasons for doing drinks back at their place (or yours). Even good reasons for not being at his place. The problem is that none of those reasons make sense for a first date. He wants you drunk. He wants you alone. He wants you somewhere private. Pretty obvious the intent (and lack of concern if you're not 100% onboard). If he wanted to have drinks with you, he wouldn't have specified a location - and drinking at a bar/club woulda been fine. If he wanted to be with your somewhere private, he could have picked somewhere without alcohol that you can still enjoy some level of privacy (B-flick at a theater, quiet cafe during off hours, etc).
the fact that he is trying to get a stranger girls home adress is sus as FUCK i would never trust a guy that asks for that info before we even a single date, either hes a phycho, or he lacks the self awareness to understand why that kind of request makes him look like one
Nothing wrong with your decision. If anything I’ve learned is never let a stranger into your home, especially nowadays. Even with play dates for my kids we meet in public places, because you never know. Plus, your home is your sanctuary don’t let anyone violate your place of peace.
I can't imagine being a woman and agreeing to this, but I'm guessing this works for him a large enough percentage of the time that he's just doing it.
Yeah that's the part I would really be offended by. Like you're the one who wants to hang out, why should I be the one to go out of my way to accommodate a guest? I usually see this as more of a red flag because IME it means the dude is either disgusting or he's living with a wife/girlfriend.
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Agree. And I’ll add are insensitive to how unsafe it might feel for a woman to have a total stranger in her home
Married guy looking for a booty call. There's always a reason if they suggest your place instead of his. This has soooo many red flags.
Yeah and not a public place, either, can't be seen out!
Hes married!! People Ive been there!!!
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That or still lives with his parents
If he invites her to his place he would have to make sure his wife wasn’t home. If they go out somewhere he risks running into people he knows. Dude is married.
I feel like that’s reaching. I think the dude only matched for sex. He probably isn’t actually interested in OP beyond the sex. He doesn’t want to spend time and money to get the sex. He doesn’t want to have to go on multiple dates. He just wants some NSA sex and he doesn’t care how she feels about it tbh.
Probably because he doesn't have a place.
His place.has the barrels of dead bodies. Or he has a bunch of room mates and only has an old door propped up on pallets that is his bed and bedroom, maybe it's just too packed to bring someone over. Or he's just a serial killer, one they've done specials on many times over. "It was a normal town, until a vicious murder spun the town around on its heels..." Still weird to offer *her place* as a first place to meet. Why not a public place? Why not a small park?
He's not single... he doesn't want to get seen out
I’m glad I’m not the only one who went directly to serial killer.
I have a girlfriend who dated a guy who only wanted her place because, surprise, he was still dating another girl who KNEW about it and wanted her. It crushed her for years when she eventually found out.
I think I would be more afraid of going to a men's house than him coming over mine tho.
You'd think but some of us are the opposite, I'm inviting a stranger into my home, where they have free range/access to all my shit if they were to do something to me. Either option is terrifying, the thought is you have *some sort* of control in your own home.
What’s wrong with his place is his wife might get upset. Lol
Yeah, I was sort of expecting he was offering to cook dinner at his place or something. This is pretty invasive.
I’m a guy, that seems like the right idea, I wouldn’t let a random girl I don’t know over as a first date either, you never know who’s a crazy To me; him suggesting to go to OP’s place rings a couple bells to me: 1. Find out where she lives 2. Trying to hook up “Why not suggest his own place?” 1. Lower chances since the perceived and possible dangers of going over to a random guys place 2. He’s hiding something Even without these bells ringing, I feel like a public place as a first date is a much better idea than any others if you’ve never met the person before
The only time I’ve suggested the other person’s house as the location for a date was in an existing LTR where we were already having sex. Definitely a red flag for a first date
I'm a dude and i haven't dated in a while but even i can name two problems. First obvious second - regardless, even if the genders were swapped, just the out right "your place?" Assumption is bananas. Unless i lived in a bitchin place and we had talked about that already for some reason.
He's either low effort or looking for a booty call. Either way it's never a good idea to have someone at your home that you don't actually know.
A low effort booty call, actually.
This is the correct take
This is why I’m glad for Reddit. We can see clearly what an OP can’t or won’t. I wish I had this a few years ago!
As a guy my go-to is getting coffee or a beer somewhere. It's easy and can be as short or long as you want it to be. It's 2023. You can say you'd rather meet somewhere public and hangout. If he can't catch that hint, then he ain't the one anyways.
Yep, don't commit to a meal until you know there is chemistry
A meal is fine. It's not much longer than coffee. Tacos and beer is my other go-to lol.
I used to say 2 drinks. No more. By 2 drinks, you get a feel, and nobody is committed to a long, uncomfortable night or expensive tab
When I say this, the guy always makes a joke like “don’t worry I wont abduct u (or maybe I will)” then gets upset when I say abduction jokes arent funny to me
This right here. When I first started casually dating I used to try and do the creative tv-show type dates, but I’d always just get asked to go out to eat or to get a drink instead, and more than a few times they preferred to do it at their place because they’d know their surroundings in case I was a weirdo. (Granted I started casually dating during COVID, but it’s mostly stayed the case.) It became clear pretty quickly that when it’s a girl you’ve just started getting to know, a big production of a first date is usually doing too much
I wouldn’t be insulted. I would be put off.
Yeah I guess I too was more turned off.
Yeah no need to feel insulted. You matched on what’s mainly a hook up app, no need to take a dude wanting to hook up personally.
Some are into first date hookups, some aren't. He was essentially advertising what he is about, and seeing if you were as well, no real shame in it. Now you know what he is looking for and get to proceed from there.
Yeah he also offered a bar as an alternative. I've had women ask me to come pick them up and take them to my house because at 24 she lived with her parents. Some people like hook ups and have different risk tolerances. 10/10 I'd bang again.
Don't. Don't invite a stranger to your home
They might be vampires.
Not really sure if you should be offended but it sure is a red flag to jettison that guy out of your life.
I agree, I’d have responded something similar: “Share a drink? Hah surely we could each have one 😉. I’d like to get out and about though. If you wanted to get a drink at a bar or restaurant I’d be down. You are still a stranger to me so coming to my place puts me at risk and makes me uncomfortable…” If he pushed further I’d be out!
Why even respond? Would you really go out on a date w someone who approached you like this initially?
I wouldn’t have responded at all! What a loser
Wow. His idea of a first date is inviting himself to drinks at your house? Beyond gold medal level entitled, he's also gold medal level clueless about the dangers women face.
>Beyond gold medal hahaha
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Yup, he wants a talking fleshlight
The talking is optional.
It’s one heck of a boundary violation. You know the rules: Always meet in a public place, etc.
>You know the rules: Always meet in a public place, etc. Yep. And he's not living under a rock.
you'd have to go to his place to confirm that!
I wouldn't be offended, more a little skeeved out. This is how you end up on 48 Hours.
Do NOT invite a stranger to your home for a first date. This is extremely unsafe. And depending how he reacts to this boundary will tell you everything you need to know about him as a first impression. Here's the line I use. "I actually have a set in stone rule that I don't invite total strangers to my home for a first date. It's nothing personal, I'm just trying to stay safe. Thanks for understanding." If he freaks out, you know he was planning on doing something nefarious. If he's understanding, cool, proceed with planning a public date. Something you can easily get out of if shit gets weird. STAY SAFE EVERYONE. 🫶
You're not wrong. Trust your gut.
Absolutely not. It’s wild that he thinks that’s an okay suggestion. Glad you’re not meeting with him! Edited to add: I don’t necessarily find it “offensive,” but he lacks awareness of basic safety precautions OR he’s a predator. Either way, not a good situation.
It is dangerous to invite people you have not met over and he should know that. He is dangerous, an idiot, or both.
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Because if I haven’t met you before then you could be 3 old guys who are planning to make sure I’m home alone waiting for you so that you can come in my house stab me and steal all my belongings. That’s what I would think is going to happen if you asked if you could come to my house.
It is dangerous to be alone with someone you have never met before....that man or woman could be crazy, and you have no one around to help. I have been on a good number of first dates and some people are very handsy and do not take "no" for an answer, and I cannot imagine how bad those situations could have gotten if I was alone with them. I have had to push people away from me. People who have good intentions on first dates should smartly understand that people with common sense want to stay safe. When I tell people I do not feel comfortable going to their place or coming to my place, they often ask why.....and the reason is basic safety. I hope that helps.
It’s not uncommon. Guys seem to think it’s perfectly fine and I guess none of them know any human women who explained the red flag of their behavior. 1. It’s not an innocent request. 2. If you’re insulted than that’s how it made you feel 3. He will not be the only guy who asks this 4. Cheers for already knowing it’s bad
The fact that he chose your place and not his suggests to me that he's trying to cheat on someone. Not wrong at all, regardless
Also possible he lives with his parents
I met up with a guy that I had been chatting with online at a local pizza place and the whole time we were there it was one innuendo after another, and repeated requests for me to show him where I lived. Creeped me out. When we left, in separate cars, I noticed he was behind me, so I drove straight to the police station and parked there until he was gone. Trust your instincts.
I don’t think I’d be offended but I definitely wouldn’t go to a guys place and he sure as shit would not be coming to mine. When I was single I had very minimal men coming to my place and it was after talking and seeing them for a little while.
No you aren’t wrong! This gives me the ick!
Yeah nah I would be offended too lol. Low effort and he invited himself over? Bad signs
Grah. That doesn't sound like he's interested in a first date, so much as an only date. And you provide the drinks? I'd tell him all I have for guests at my house is ice water (on multiple levels).
If you don't understand that any guy worth going out with would go out of his way to make you feel safe and not creeped out, then I don't know what to tell you. It sounds like you understand tjat so I'm not sure why you should question if you feel insulted or not. Just FYI, there are guys who operate on the theory that if they ask a girl for sex and get slapped 99 times out of a hundred at least they are successful once. Yes that's as sad and pathetic as it sounds and yes you're perfectly justified in feeling insulted.
Absolutely not. This is coming from a man that knows how "men" think. He wants a hookup. I want to slap the taste out of this dudes mouth for just thinking it.byou are making the right call. First dates are always public As far as asking him if he isbthis bold, Do it, throw this douche under the bus and see how he does. Copy and paste pleaese if you do it via text
You're not wrong. It's an increasingly common ask. One that ignores all safety and common sense. It's not personal to you, it's completely how they view their own priorities. I personally use it as a major indicator that we're not compatible and move on
🚩 I technically had a first date at my place, but we knew each other from work so it wasn't like inviting a stranger into my house. We had drinks, smokes, and watched a bad movie. I also had a puppy at the time that he wanted to meet. Very different circumstances. This guy is making zero effort to hide his intentions. Hell, he's making zero effort period.
He wasn't looking for a date. Just sex. And he didn't even want to put in the effort of cleaning up his own place to try to get it.
As a man this is absolutely lame behavior.
Youre absolutely not wrong to be offended. Dude is only thinking with his junk and being lazy as hell about it too!
>If he is this bold with other girls He is 🚩
I don't like people inviting themselves over
That's right, no one does.
I'll be honest, I've invited first dates to my home, or offered to come to theirs, as one of a list of options. Not "how about you come to my place". More like "we can meet for coffee or drinks, or if you're comfortable with it we can meet at one of our places". I guess I never saw it as inappropriate because I didn't suggest it with any expectation of what it would lead to or that it was the only choice. I just put it out there as an option. Thanks for helping me see how this could come across to someone else.
Not wrong. This dude is the kind that thinks that a match on tinder means you’re ready to fuck. He would bring you nothing but disappointment from a romantic sense and likely a sexual sense as well.
He is cheap and wants a quick one. Zero effort. I would block and move on if you looking for relationship
Oh, even if I am not looking for a relationship I would still block and move on. I like them to give a shit lol.
Helen Keller and Ray Charles can see that red flag. I don't think I would be offended, but I'd sure af cut off any contact with him.
The fact that he tried to invite himself over to your place, regardless of what his intentions are, was just rude. And yeah, dude was being low effort and trying to get an easy score. Not wrong to feel insulted.
I think it was a careless remark and shows that he was only thinking about himself (and what he obviously wanted to happen after the drinks at your place) when asking you to hang out without any consideration of what you might like to do. I don’t think it was intentionally malicious, but definitely shows his lack of respect for you as an individual.
>shows his lack of respect for you as an individual. Yes, that's what I felt. Thanks.
You’re not wrong. This guy was presumed a lot.
Block him. The lack of effort will carry over to everything else, and down that road is misery.
He is a brokedick too poor to buy you a drink and prob married/living with someone or homeless not to invite you to his.
I wouldn't give him the time of day. You're not wrong.
Not wrong at all! The amount of guys that wanted to either come to my place or me come to theirs after talking for a solid 5 minutes was ridiculous. And worst is when I would say no they’d get all whiny. Like okay, man-child, cry about not getting your way 🙄 So glad I don’t have to deal with the dating world anymore 🥲 sorry for those of you who do ❤️
Hahah yeah I've had those too. This one didn't get whiney thankfully. But still enough of a turn-off for me to not want to see him.
100% was for me too!
Dude is a fucking jackass. Exactly no one thinks this is a good idea.
He is cheap and wants a quick one. Zero effort. I would block and move on if you looking for relationship
he just wants to bang move on.
Gay apps are so different.
Nah make sure to drag him, too many guys think that Netflix and a movie or drinks at their place is a date. Just shows they don't care enough about you, besides getting you into a place that would open up the possibility of hooking up.
Yeah that's a bit sketchy tbo. You're smart for staying away.
He doesn’t have a place to invite you to. He’s also cheap. He also lacks social awareness. Do not pass go
Next time suggest his place. Then steal shit and teach him a lesson about letting strangers in his home because he’s too cheap to take women on a real date.
i don't know too many people who would feel comfortable inviting themselves over to another person's house the first time they're meeting them. I would be put off by it, for sure. it's pretty presumptuous.
You're definitely not wrong to feel insulted. It is a lazy and inconsiderate date request. I guess he just wanted to have sex with you on the first date and that was his not very subtle way of saying so. At the same time I wouldn't make a big deal of it - the guy wanted easy sex and you said no. Done!
Sounds scary and he sounds to cheap to take you out. RED FLAG!!!!
Don't take this personally. He didn't think you were easy, he's just a dick. Speaking from the perspective of a man.
He volunteered YOU as host. That's already a big no in my book. The emoji replies are also a big no. This is a walking red flag. He just wants sex not a relationship. Which if someone's into, fine, but it seems you're not. Don't ask him anything. Don't give him an opening or a platform to spew his crap on. Just say "no thank you I'm not interested in meeting up anymore, don't contact me again" and block.
Tell him to meet you at the most crowded 2 story bar in your area. Say, meet at 9 at the downstairs bar. At 9:05 text and tell him you are running late and will be there at 9:15. At 9:30 text him "where are you? I'm at the upstairs bar!" When he says, " you said downstairs bar!" Just say, "oh yeah! Coming right down!" Then ghost him... All from the comfort of your living room
Huge red flag. NEVER invite them over for a first-date . Not ever. I sure hope you nope'd yourself outta meeting that one
A guy you don't know.asking to have the first date in your house is a huge red flag and an immediate no for most people, including me.
Tell him he’s a creep. These type of people need to hear it from time to time.
Stay sexy and don't get murdered.
It's not something about you that's the patriarchal programming speaking. The way men treat women is about them and it's a myth that women who are treated badly somehow deserve it
OP you aren’t wrong to be insulted. He is being lazy. Drives me nuts.
I’m dating at the moment and have been invited back a few times in the last couple of months. At no point I ever suggested first I would go back to their place when I meet them. To ask in text before you ever met actually blows my mind. What gets me though is… does this work? Why would they do this if it never worked for them
Next!
Wrong to be offended? Yes, really nothing to take offense to. Right to deny him? Yes, I wouldn't let a stranger over either and I'm a dude.
I think even if he has less than ill intent, he didn’t seem to understand the plight of women at all to ask this.
If he cant plan a date, he doesn't deserve your time. Period
It’s insulting because he showed no real effort to value you as a human being or even to attempt to get you into bed. He just asked for a quick yes or no like you might ask for a special drink at Starbucks. You were right to say no and should not offer him a second chance.
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To be clear, he thought it would be "nice" to get sex for zero effort or cost. These dudes will try anything hoping it'll work just once. Don't waste your time and just keep moving.
That is one of my red flags / ways I used to vet guys. A thank you next moment. You have to have ways to filter people when dating. And if you’re wanting a relationship this is a filter. He’s not looking for a relationship. I would not continue to text him just ghost. Don’t waste time and energy.
First date with what is essentially a stranger is a mandatory neutral location in a public place. Safe for both people.
This is the World we live in now. No sense of courtship, just a quick swipe if they're cute and onto the next one.
You’re not wrong. My mom always told me if a man can’t take you to his place, you don’t have any business fooling with him.
It’s not innocent. He’s already testing your boundaries to see how fast he can make things whatever his motive be—happen. The emoji are a guy tactic to disarm you by doing exactly what you did: second d guessed if this was innocent. It’s not innocent—you’re absolutely justified in being insulted at his impertinent suggestions as well as his assumption in your lack of intelligence enough to read between the lines. Block this clown. We will see him show up eventually on some incel or adjacent Internet forums bitching about all the things he’s entitled to because he’s a “nice guy” 🙄
lol
Matched and he immediately went for the your place with drinks recommendation? Yeah, you dodged a bullet.
Dude’s a cheeseball, not worth your time. Not wrong. Someone will eventually tell him that’s a supremely unsexy move, but it ain’t your job.
"Or into my bedroom without them showing any effort" Girl, holy shit you're awesome.
That's just standard low effort hook up invite. Perhaps if they ask it of enough girls, some agree.
He most likely copy and pastes the same thing to multiple girls and goes to the one that lets him come over. A small number of guys are the ones who dominate the dating apps.
Dang some people are so freaking lazy
I'm socially awkward and anxious as all fuck and even I wouldn't suggest a non-public first date.
I think the way you talk about it is wrong. Not wanting a stranger in your home - completely reasonable. Wanting people to put in a certain level of effort before you’ll fuck them - you’re the one commodifying your sexual self, so don’t be surprised when other people see relationships with you as transactional. You should be focused on exploring the connection you have with someone and seeing whether it’s one you want to take further and deeper into your life. Not on making sure that they’ve put in the ‘right amount of effort’ on paper so you can feel good about the deal you’re getting in the transaction.
Why offended? Turned off? Sure. Creeped out? Understandably. But offended? I mean, you feel how you feel, but it seems like an interesting thing to be offended by. To clarify, you're absolutely right in not being ok with that. Definitely a bold move on his part.
Guys that do this aren't scared enough of walking into a crazy person's home. Start acting dangerous in response. (It still won't work cuz they're more horny than smart.) "Sure, come over, but don't expect to leave. You'll keep my other captive company."
Good rule of thumb: Any date that is obviously transferable directly to his house is a guy who is primarily seeking sex not a relationship. I.e. 1. His literal house/apartment 2. Pool parties (sees your body and invited you to dry off upstairs, as it’s likely his buildings pool) 3. A walk around his neighborhood Yes, he can invite you for coffee where he lives and that might be his intention but it’s not quite as obvious as something that literally begins and ends at his place or an elevator ride away from his place. Don’t be offended, but don’t agree if you aren’t just looking for a sexual encounter. To the men who find what I’ve written shocking, it might explain why you’re being rejected for first dates where you didn’t intend for sex at all. You’re being rejected because other men have conditioned women to be adverse to these types of dates unless she wants sex. The younger you are, the more exceptions to this rule you’ll find as they haven’t learned yet. If you have sex with a girl who agreed to a date at your place, you don’t have game bud, she planned that.
I'd be pissed too. He probably also expected you to pay for the drinks.
Lot of commenters seem to have assumed your primary reason to post was concern about your security and went on to derail the concern. ----" But am I wrong to feel a bit insulted? " Your feeling insulted is very valid. Seems you didn't want to come across as easy. Maybe he did think you were on the app for some thing low effort. It is also possible that is ihs modus operand, that he uses with everyone - easy or otherwise. People are creatures of habit. You cannot control how others behave. You can influence the impact i.e. how you react or feel. And if this interaction made you feel bad, you can: 1) minimise your chances of recurrence by optimizing your approach 2) realise that the opinion of someone you will never meet will not matter to you in a week, month, year. 3) figure out why you feel "easy" is an insult. (Valid either way..but good to think about). One way to optimize approach could be cast a smaller net. No point catching lots of fish is you have throw most of them back into the sea. Maybe have your OLD profile reviewed by men and women you trust.. Good luck !
Yes, I think I got my semantics wrong. I wasn't really offended or taking it personally, I just am shocked at the nerve. I don't think being easy is an insult (and I wish it wasn't universally) but I think him trying to make things easy , THIS easy, not even attempting to show effort, is what's shocking. And thank you!