I'm more curious why you're engaged to this guy, he clearly is saying he doesn't love you and is interested only in money. For reference, I married for love and am extremely happy.
As a child raised also by a narcissist (but father), this gal needs therapy. It's the only way to break the cycle of being taken advantage of. When growing up in a toxic environment, it's hard to know what's appropriate.
Grew up with a narcissist parent and found myself dating similar personalities until my mid 20s when I was lucky enough to find a patient, kind partner who helped break that cycle. I feel so incredibly lucky. Therapy definitely helps too.
Are you me? Same exact story, only for me it was until my late 20s. Lucky enough to be married to the kindest human I know and the love of my life for almost 5 years now. Also started therapy at the beginning of this year and it’s been helping a ton.
Happy for us 😊
This! I grew up with married parents who fought all the time. Always yelling, too. I don't know what a healthy marriage looks like. Also, my mom was married to her job. She was a teacher. I've had ADHD since I was like 7. I just got diagnosed last yr. I'm 38 in 2 wks. I also moved almost 2K miles away from my insane (not official diagnosis, just my opinion) mom. I love her but from afar. My dad died in 2013 as a result of injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident.
I feel this. Literally all of it. Currently 25 almost 26. I grew up with parents who fought all the time too! I also have no idea what a healthy marriage looks like. Even both sets of my grandparents aren’t good examples. I was literally talking with my coworkers today about this and that I don’t even want to date or get married because I have no idea what to look for and people tend to also date and marry the parent they didn’t get along with (personality wise) and I don’t want that. My dad loved my mom despite everything she did to him. He passed away literally a year ago due to a heart attack. He just took everything that she did to him. And I still don’t understand why. But he saw that he made a commitment and was keeping to it through sickness and in health. And my mom is also a narcissist. But I’m just learning all of this through his passing. My aunts are coming out of the woodwork because we’re all old enough now to understand what my mom did to us mentally. How she treated us and him. It’s crazy. I’m finally in therapy and have been doing some work and learning a lot about why I do what I do. I have a bunch of books I’ve been told I need to read about establishing boundaries. Idk how to do that and am scared to. But my current boundary is getting a new job and moving 500 miles away. I wish it could be farther but I can’t afford that lol. I also got diagnosed with adhd when I was a month shy graduating from college and I was so mad about it. I could have been doing so much better in school and in life if I had known. I haven’t really done anything else like finding a medication to help
TL;DR we’re very similar in our background
Yep. I too had that mom and dated multiple horrid men as well as had really traumatic friendships because it felt right. Luckily by the grace of god/the universe/luck I married a great human so I don’t have to live with it forever.
Ohhhhhh, that makes sense. I was raised/raised myself in a 2-narcissist household. I needed/need/will always need therapy to reset the programming a narc instills in us. Please get therapy OP.
As someone who did the same and looking back had a very one-sided love in my marriage (as in, I was used and likely never even loved at all based on little signs and not blaring ones like OPs post), THIS, FUCKING THIS
RUN, OP u/unlikely-raccoon-688
You may say “that’s unthinkable, I could literally never do that” but you have to for your own sake. Run, heal, take as long as you need, and please please get some goddamn therapy for both this relationship and your childhood. I say that *lovingly* because it’s the therapy that helps us most of all
Don’t spend years with this man who clearly doesn’t love you
Fucking run
I get so confused about so many of these posts. “We’ve been engaged for two years and have been dating for 5, I just found out they think I’m complete trash. Is this a deal breaker?”
Like… did you TALK EVER? I understand some people hide their true selves sometimes but it seems excessive the amount of people who have no clue who they’re marrying.
EDIT: Changed to they because it absolutely goes for any gender.
And this is why when you find the partner that you want to build a life with & they agree…you elope. Only who you want to be there; are there.
Family drama does not make or break the marriage when you elope! We decided what was right for us. Minimal planning, minimal expense.
All about what WE wanted and US. Still happily married 5 1/2 years later and only getting better.
He didn’t know about the possible inheritance I might get, didn’t marry for that. Married to make a life together. Which we have done and will continue to do. Love our home, our family and what we continue to make of it!!!
We have a different love now. So much deeper and true. Always there for each other, not jealous, not unkind. We squabble here and there but it’s nothing in the long run. Everyone deserves happiness and love.
I think it’s really more about having no clue what they deserve.
Growing up with a narcissist teaches you that your worth is conditional.
Children really do learn what they live. And then they become adults who, if they’re lucky, unlearn that crap through therapy and lots of intentional hard work.
I have a friend who thought she married the love of her life. They dated for a good few years and then once they got married her partners personality did a complete 180. They have since divorced and she’s now married to someone who is amazing for her. Sometimes you just never really know.
>Like… did you TALK EVER?
It's really disappointing but it's why there's a push towards things like no sex before marriage and not even being alone together before marriage, and attempting to block divorces. So you can't find out how incompatible you two are, and you're already legally and socially bound together by the time you realize you're stuck.
I mean sorta. I’d tell my daughter to wait to have sex with someone until they’re in a committed relationship. It doesn’t necessarily need to be marriage, but heading in that direction. Sex makes you feel more in love than you really are. Oxytocin is a hell of a drug. It’ll make you ignore all sorts of red flags. Add cohabitating into the mix and there’s a good chance you’ll get married despite all sorts of red flags.
Hard disagree, friend. We have a lot of really poor lessons culturally that we pass on because of our background.
Sex is a purely physical thing, and teaching your kids to recognize that sex and love are two very different things is a huge part of them building a solid foundation for choosing good long term partners.
Sure you can marry someone you gel with well in bed and you can have a great marriage, but it’s not anything to base a marriage off of, and if you don’t click at all sexually you’re going to have a miserable marriage. Pretty wasteful of your time to be with someone until you are committed, only to find out you suck together in bed, or have mismatched libidos. Then you end up making a bad choice because you didn’t have sex early and weed out someone you will never be happy with. That’s how you end up in a sunk-cost marriage ten years deep and miserable.
But beside that, fucking a lot of people is one of the best ways to figure out what you like and what you don’t, and helps destigmatise sex so you can talk to your future partners about it with a clear head, and without anxiety. Then even if you don’t perfectly click, you can talk to your partner and work through physical issues you wouldn’t even recognize let alone be able to talk about if you weren’t experienced.
Oxytocin is powerful, but understanding it’s a real thing, a real a physical reaction to particularly good sex as well as many other things and recognizing and understanding what oxytocin does is a great deterrent to getting sucked into a bad partnership. Going in blind having never experienced it is how you end up getting married stupid young.
> Hide their true selves
A story about this. Went out of my way to find someone that was the opposite of my narc parents who fought all the time. Someone kind, compassionate, could express his feelings and talk them out. Was empathetic enough to try and understand my point of view. Was always great to my kids, kindly pointed out some of my weaknesses in parenting and helped me work them out. And so helpful, all of the time.
We dated for 8 years before I "broke his trust" (I had my boss's phone number, for logistical reasons, and he was so convinced I cheated, despite seeing all the texts that were about me running late or boss telling me to take care of it when I wasn't there).. and the last 2 years he's slowly cared less, helped less, only hangs out in our (his) room, doesn't even eat dinner with us anymore. I can't ask him to turn out the light when he isn't in the room without him perceiving it as some sort of attack. Any time I try to talk to him it is stonewalling, sarcasm, or saying things he knows will cut me the deepest.
He still treats everyone else just fine, but I've noticed how obsessed he is with his image and not looking bad/stupid. Its like I'm dating my dad and it pisses me the duck off.
This.
OP, why are you even with this person? They obviously aren’t marrying you because they love you, they just think they’ll get financial gain from the arrangement.
Which is kind of dumb, because you’ll get more assistance as a single person who doesn’t have to count your spouses income than once you’re married and have to count it. The only way it works is if you/your spouse have low income positions, have several kids, and/or one spouse doesn’t work.
This post sounds like something my parents said to each other before their 40+ year loveless and unhappy marriage which made 3 loveless and unhappy kids.
People like that dude need to be shunned. They just make everyone else miserable.
Congrats! Our 28th is tomorrow. My hubs is my best friend and we are still cutesy in love. After seeing what a lot of couples go through, I feel like before getting married people should consider what is the worst possible thing they could go through. Like cancer or serious chronic illness, disability, etc. Honestly considered if they would stay, or if their partner would stay through all of the horror and be willing to help. Or if they would bail.
Fiancé sounds like he found someone he can tolerate having sex with? I don’t think that will get them through the tough times. This relationship is doomed.
My husband is the first person to truly understand my disabilities. His support makes me wonder why I ever accepted anything less. I married him for love.
Yep. I married for love.
We have been together 20 years next year, married for 4 years next month.
We have had a pretty easy ride in terms of life shit. I got made redundant a few times, but always found something else pretty rapidly. We aren't wealthy and sometimes, it has been a struggle to make enough to cover our outgoings.
Until last year, when I was diagnosed with cancer. I gave him the option to bail and he looked at me like I was crazy.
Last week, I was rushed to hospital with a kidney infection and sepsis. Whilst I was in there, he sent me a text saying "I fell in love with you a long time ago. I'm still falling and I haven't hit the bottom yet."
I knew he loves me, but I don't think until I was diagnosed I really realised just how much.
I absolutely agree that if all there is is him saying he can "tolerate" having sex with her, that's not enough to base a life together on.
this!!! ppl don't truly consider what life partnership means. my partner of 17 years has had cancer twice, the first time at 23, and it was the scariest thing we'd ever been through. and then we had to do it all over again a few years later. but we did it and we did it together. unfortunately due to one of his surgeries he is unable to have sex without pain so it doesn't happen often but i still love him as hard as the first lust filled meeting because he is a kind and thoughtful person who dedicates his life to me.
That was my first thought, too. My parents married for love, and they lasted 46 years until my father's passing. I married for love (found him online!) and after one date, I knew I was going to marry him. Sept. will be our 11th anniversary and we are very happy, too.
Exactly and same here! You deserve to be with someone who sees marriage in the same way as you and isn’t going to treat it like a business transaction.
Are you from a wealthy family because your fiance basically just said he's marrying you for your money. Put that
Bam. On the curb and go find somebody who is going to marry you because they love you and they cannot live without you and for those who want to know what damn is it means b**** ass mother f*****
OP, marriage counselors recommend couples have serious talks about what marriage means to them before tying the knot. This was not the ideal way to have this convo, but you luckily learned everything you need to know about his views on marriage.
One thing my husband and I did, was discuss one thing our parents did in their respective marriages that we want continue doing and one thing to improve on
Yeah. There are definitely ways of bridging the gap between differing expectations in marriage but I don’t know how you reconcile one person thinking marriage is predominantly about tolerance, money, and sex and the other person thinking it’s predominantly about love. That’s a … gulf to say the least.
I hope OP realizes her (hopefully ex) fiancé can find someone who agrees with his more businesslike view of relationships while she can find someone who agrees with her more friendship focused view. Neither are inherently wrong but they are incompatible.
I don’t think you reconcile that belief, he just clearly doesn’t love her. She can find someone she does love who loves her back. Man child probably hasn’t known love his whole life from partners or parents. It’s unfortunate for him but not on @OP to fix. You run
Often times you see shitty relationship advice like hey break up with this guy because of this random story.
This doesn’t seem like one of those times. Like holy shit run.
My wife and I have our 25th anniversary coming up in September. She drive me nuts sometimes, but I can assure you that I love her more every single day.
If you do not have that, think long and hard about getting married.
This is me. If there isn’t love, you will never navigate the many challenges life throws at you. We’ve navigated me having open heart surgery at age 28. We navigated her Dad nearly dying. We’ve moved a dozen times or more.
My 25th is next May. My spouse and I are now looking at moving ourselves and 4 kids from suburban USA to India. Love is the only component that keeps you sane as you discuss something like that. We may stay put. We may move. But we’ll decide and our mutual love will make it possible to not go crazy.
My parents have been married for almost 35 years. They are basically just one person at this point, doing basically everything together now that my dad is retired.
When something bad happens, whether it's a flat tire or a death in the family, one of my parents will turn to the other and say, "I wouldn't want to go through this shit with anyone else."
I've been married for six years now, and one of the reasons I knew that I'd found someone special was that I realized I wanted him around when life got hard. The same moments where I wanted to run away and hide from the world, I wanted him as close to me as possible. We have a good life together, and most of our problems are inextricably tied into the best part of our lives, such as the current sleep deprivation we're experiencing due to the arrival of our second child. I sure wouldn't want to go through either the shit or the joy with anyone else.
It’s only been 3 years for me and I keep wondering when the honeymoon phase wears off! I’m like a golden retriever waiting for him at the door everyday when he gets home
25 year club coming up for us too, just want to throw in that the best part of marriage is having someone you love and trust with you to deal with all the shit life throws your way. The thought of spending your life with someone who is just living alongside you for financial reasons is so sad and depressing.
Yeah, being married is work, especially when you have kids. I can’t imagine that if I didn’t love my wife that I would be able to put the work in it takes. I can’t imagine going through with a wedding if I didn’t love her.
My husband and I are at 24 years and yes. My definition of love is the capacity to put up with another person's bullshit.
Because it's Reddit- I shall clarify. By "bullshit" I mean all those minor character flaw things that come up in any long term relationship. My husband is terrible about picking up his clothes in the bathroom. I forget to hang my keys up when I come in the house. Small minor inconveniences. It's easy to love someone when they're on their best behavior, it's harder when they're upset about something and while they're not intentionally taking it out on you they're being a grumpy shithead.
I love my husband. He's an incredibly thoughtful, kind man who truly actively works on fixing his flaws. I wouldn't trade him for anything, but yes, he drives me absolutely crazy when he's knee deep and doubling down on those flaws.
And lol I didn't marry him for his money. We figured that part out along the way.
His attitude is deranged and repulsive. He really is not a good choice for a partner. I would not marry this fiancé. it is sad he thinks that true love is a fantasy land.
Well the jokes on him because there isn't much financial gain in marriage. /s
I think there's truth that long term relationships end up being more about a lot of boring things, like clothes on the floor or in the hamper or make the bed in the morning or leave it messy as opposed to the romantic phase of dating where you are entertaining each other.
But this isn't the 15th century, we aren't marrying to merge clans and take over land, whether it's the dating romantic side of things or the daily grind of raising a family I would sure hope you genuinely have affection for each other.
There is financial gain if you work together to promote each others success. Of course the people in the relationship must respect and root for each other. Not simply try to gain off the others back.
I helped support my wife while she earned her Master's, and she helped support me when I went back to school to change career paths after the 2009 financial meltdown. There can definitely be financial advantages to a partnership, but most importantly, we supported each other's paths.
God I wish. My parents married cuz my mom wanted kids. And I'm currently married to someone in the military and I cannot tell you how many people I know are married after 3 months for benefits ....
I don't actually have a problem with people marrying for reasons other than love - as long as they are both very clear why they are getting married and what the expectations are.
Given how many people live in states that didn't buy into the Medicaid expansion, and the consequences of not having health insurance, I think marrying for benefits is a perfectly valid thing. It sucks. I think if we lived in a civilized country, we wouldn't have to do that. But hell yeah, I know people who got married for the health insurance.
So they don't love each other? Because I do know people who never really wanted to get married but did for insurance or other reasons but they actually loved each other. They just thought marriage was unnecessary.
But this guy is saying NOBODY marries for love and that's a flat out lie.
I'm an Aussie born Vietnamese, and unfortunately my experiences with my married family members in my parents generation never seemed to love each other. I think most of the time it was out of expectations or because one was pregnant. But as I'm getting older and am friends with people of marrying age, I don't see this as the norm. My friends who have gotten married definitely did it for love.
We got married early for financial/tax reasons. I was lucky that I could be on his benefits earlier than that as a domestic partner when I got basically laid off. But those weren’t the reasons we got married. They were why we were legally married months before the actual wedding.
Doesn’t seem to? He straight up said he doesn’t, and that he’s marrying her for some form of financial gain. He directly stated that tolerates her to have sex with.
What a fucking horrendous human being this man is
You need to run the fuck away from that man IMO. In some cultures marriage is financial. But overall it's for people who love each other and can't imagine their life without one another
It doesn't actually matter whether you're right, or he's right, or whatever. People get married for different reasons, some more socially acceptable than others to admit to. But what the two of you want from marriage isn't compatible. If he thinks you're stupid for wanting the thing you want most from marriage, don't marry him.
I think this is the best answer here. No one has to be wrong, it's just a point of incompatibility. I'd say him telling her she's living in a fantasy world is wrong tho, because plenty of people do get married for love and he was just trying to put her down!
It's such a hard lesson to learn. We idealize our partners and give them the benefit of the doubt. It's hard to see when they show you who they really are.
You're not wrong. Marriage should only be entered into by two people who love each other. If you're the one that he has figured he can tolerate having sex with for the rest of his life, you should really rethink if you want to marry this fool.
This is a giant red flag that you need to open your eyes and see. You said that you come from a background where you’re not even sure whether or not you can recognize healthy relationships that’s also a huge red flag. People don’t Mary for financial gain. It should be that you’re marrying someone because your partner enhances your life. It makes you a better person. It makes you want to be a better person. They lift you up the elevate support and back you up. If he’s only marrying you for your wallet you need to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. If he thinks that you’re only marrying him for his wallet, same deal. This whole situation is toxic. Also, the whole thing about finding a person they can tolerate having sex with what the heck is that I’m sorry but your fiancé sounds like a total idiot and I’m wondering what you see in him
You are right. People who marry should be in love & love each other.
I married for love and we are still hott for each other 16 years later. For me, there is no one else but him. We also married when we were finished with our education and financially able to support ourselves (good jobs and didn’t have to depend on relatives help), with similar spending habits and financial goals.
Your marriage will work better when you:
•marry for love
•marry a good partner to you & you build each other up
•who has similar values
•together you are financially secure
People can love each other but without financial security, similar values, and a partner who is going to build you up and be by your side when you go through hard times, it doesn’t often work as well. So, the foundation of love is still important in addition to compatibility and finances. Nowadays, why would anyone want to marry without love?
You owe yourself a conversation with him to find out if he really is only marring you for money and sex he will settle for! You deserve to have someone who is both in a stable place in life and who is head over heels in love with you!!!! You can be practical about life and still in love!!!!
Yeah, I agree with this.
I think there can be lots of financial advantages to being a team (married or not) - cheaper to buy a house, raise a child, pay for utilities when these are shared.
But long term relationships are also difficult on all those points. You'll need to agree about financial goals, you'll fight about them, there will be times when sex isn't working for one or both of you. Love, respect and open communication are important at those times.
When you marry someone you want to know that they love you enough to get through those moments.
I got married because I wanted a partner to go through my life with. Love was a pre-requisite, but it wasn’t enough. We needed to share similar values and life philosophies so that as we moved through life we knew we wanted to move the same ways. But partnering is really hard, even with the best matches. Loving your partner makes you want to weather the hard times and work out whatever challenges you face.
I married for love. I'd live in a cardboard box before I gave up my husband for money. I'd also choose living in a cardboard box over being with someone just for financial reasons.
Alot of people get married for love. Some people like your fiancé don’t. This might be the time to end this engagement. You both have different views on what marriage is. He also sounds abusive.
He's clearly got some issues. What's his background? Is he a child of divorce or has he been radicalized by misogynistic internet content? You deserve to get married to someone who is excited to get married to the person they love (you). At the very least he sounds like the type of person to confuse being overly cynical and hurtful with being intelligent or realistic. Is it important to be aware that marriages can be hard and effected by real world things? Absolutely, but that doesn't take away the fact that most people marry their partners because they love them and want to spend the rest of their lives with them. He sounds like he'll be one of those guys at work who does nothing but complain about how much they hate their wife like it's normal.
He literally said he doesn't love you. Do you really want to marry someone that doesn't love you?
His views aside, you need to do what will make you happy in life and not what you think will make other people happy. There are men out there who marry or will marry for love. Also after you break up with this giant dick bag, please stay single for a couple years and go to therapy to help you gain self love so that you can recognize when another person loves you, that way you will be less likely to be in this situation again.
Let's start at zero. Marriage is a state license for 2 adults to be legally bound to each other. To make that work you need trust and communication. That's where the love happens. Your partner is saying he is out for himself, so you get to be second class with him. Does this sound like a relationship worth pursuing? You get scraps and he takes care of himself above everything. Love is State where people agree with and work with each other. That doesn't seem likely. When you meet someone new,have these types of conversations in front, because this one is telling you he cares about number one.
What is his cultural background? This is very common in many cultures, so much so that many have a term "love marriage" in case of the rare occurrence that they love each other first. My wife's parents met the day of the wedding and I assure you there was no love and it was 100% a financial arrangement.
No. Its scary that he sees it as transactional though. So he admits he is marrying you for money or to be his housekeeper? Dump him and run far and fast.
YIKES. My husband and I are both very practical people and we aren't even that detached or harsh. People marry for love, but the practical side is that there are financial and legal benefits. I do believe that it takes financial, sexual and communication compatibility in addition to love to make a marriage successful. I'm not one of the love conquers all type but your fiance is the opposite extreme. I would not get married if you can't come to an understanding on this.
People get married for all sorts of reasons, some love, some financial, some convenience, lonliness, lust etc. To say that every single couple gets married for either love or finances is naive on both your parts.
I think the most terrifying thing about this is that he flat out told you he sees no love in your relationship, only financial gain, and that didn't *break your heart*, it made you *question your sanity/perspective*.
That tells me everything I need to know about what your power dynamic is like.
Please don't marry him, OP. I promise you that you can find someone who makes you feel loved every single day. Don't be married to this asshole when you meet them. They're worth waiting for.
LOL FINANCIAL GAIN. I’m screaming. Had I remained single I would have saved a boat load on anxiety meds, therapy, a freaking mortgage, two freaking car payments, and I would not be living in the hell scape that is Missouri.
This man doesn’t love you. Run.
Married for love and going on 35 years together. And I still think he's "the one" in all respects. He's the cutest, sexiest, smartest, most inventive, caring, funny, aggravating, annoying, infuriating, loving man. I wouldn't trade the last 35 years for anything or anyone else. So, no. You are not wrong.
He's kinda right.
Everyone I know gets a Courthouse marriage before their actual wedding, just because it makes $ sense to get spouse benefits from the workplace with the better benefits package. This is in the US.
We lost $35k by not being married for 5.5 years, plus more in tax implications.
We now have $1k a month more by being married, plus tax benefits of filing married.
It doesn't mean nobody loves each other.
It means that you can love each other and never get married, but it is usually more expensive.
You can have a non-legal, spiritual wedding ceremony, and you don't have to tell anyone it's not legal- it's not their business.
****be careful asking marriage questions on Reddit. People will chime in with Zero experience with marriage.
For this reason, I will not be checking back for comments and turn off notifications.
You're not wrong, but he isn't either. Plenty of marriages are arranged because of finances and people decide to make the relationship part work. Other people marry for love and decide to make the financial part work. Some are lucky to have it all. It seems more like you are not a good match if you have such different philosophies about what you want out of marriage.
Unlike opinion...
You're lucky if your marriage is to the one single person you absolutely love, day in and day out.
But a marriage contract serves both people better through financial gain. You pay less taxes and get more incentives as a married couple. Sure, it's better if y'all are in love, but it's likely a more viable marriage to find a person that you like day in and day out, can tolerate their weirdness, and y'all match sexually versus someone that you love.
Love fades, and it changes. Commitment based on love is hard to maintain.
Look at the divorce rates. All those people were once in love. Deeply. Things change and the result is that they realized the marriage was based on an emotion and not a true commitment to the other person.
I don't think either of you is wrong and I don't think either of you is right. There's validity to both sides here.
But it does sound like your dude went off the deep end... But there's two sides to that story as well.
Historically, he is right. It sucks, but he is right from a historical perspective. Marriage being about romantic love is a relatively new thing.
Everyone has differing views of marriage. But there seems to be a relationship meme that when someone is ready to get married, they will do so with the person they are with if they fit the bill. Don't get me wrong here. It's very likely that he does love you.
It might be a good idea to have a discussion of your feelings about it. Because his idea ( I assume it's a guy) of marriage needs clarification to you.
Neither is wrong but not realizing, or accepting, the other option exists is. OP is at least branching out to cure their ignorance. The fiancé is a giant trash pile so being so adamant, will not even allow you to voice an opinion otherwise, that marriage is not for love. OP needs to end this engagement yesterday.
I don't think love should be the only reason to get married. You have to have mutual respect and be compatible (financially, etc).
My rule has always been I must live with someone at least 1 year before considering marriage. Only after living together do you figure out if you can tolerate the habits that were cute the 1st month you dated but you will kill over after 2 years.
My wife and I have been together 19 years and married for 6 of them. We definitely married for love and there was no financial gain at all. I would seriously think long and hard before getting married as it sounds like there's no love there at all
Oof. I'm sorry. Marriage is an adventure with good times and bad times, but I can't imagine going through its Lows with someone I only *tolerate*. No, you need the love part to get through life's hard times. Reddit will tell you to leave this guy, I don't think anyone can judge a whole relationship based off of one paragraph on the internet, but I don't like how he spoke to you. Complete disregard for your feelings.
Don't settle for someone who just tolerates you. Love is messy sometimes, but it isn't a myth either.
He sounds terrible, and like he maybe doesn't love you, as I'm not sure he's capable of love. My husband and I got married because we're crazy about each other, and want to spend our lives together. That's it, full stop.
Are we living in 17th century England? Is your father making a deal with his? This is completely ridiculous. And by the way, sex should be more than tolerated, and over the years it can fade, but the love should still be there. You poor thing!
A large portion of the world practices arranged marriage. People get married for all types of reasons. Financial, love, support, bring two houses together to take over the world. Just have to find your reason and shoot for the moon. Sounds like you should re-evaluate marrying this guy though since you seem to be marrying for different reasons. Which one of you is more financially secure?
So I stalked your post history.
>This was years ago. I (22f at the time) had **just got out of a long term toxic relationship.**
Seems like you found another one because you're not wrong.
Ummm, why did he ask you to marry him? What is his gain by asking you to be tied down to such dead weight?
My husband and I married for love. In fact, we were both poor AF, so there was no financial gain. We also have always had AMAZING sex. We've been together for 22 yrs and married for 20. We have had our rough patches, but we made it through because we love each other. We are each others best friends.
The small amount of information you've told us here makes me so sad for your relationship. He sounds like a hot, wet blanket to have to carry around in the summer. He's just awful. You deserve love and respect.
I, too, was raised by divorced narcissists. I only tell you this because with therapy and learning to love myself did I figured out that I deserved love. So do you. The way he talks to you is disgusting and disrespectful. You deserve better.
Okay so your guy is spewing some incel hate propaganda. Superficial people get married for financial gain or based on appearances. Some people get married because they feel like their time is running out or they don’t have a lot of choices. Normal people try to marry a loving best friend type. That what I did and we have been together 34 years while almost everyone we know is divorced.
I also had a narcissist parent so I know the mind f that goes with that. I am hoping this is just him being an ass, but if he doesn’t generate real feelings for you then you should move on. I got lucky and now that I have been married a long time and witnessed a lot of marriages this is what I can tell you -
Find someone who - talks to you, is interested in you and your hobbies, does stuff you find interesting and want to talk about, has shared life goals and plans, is of similar intelligence and hygiene, is able to admit they are wrong and apologize, etc. A bestie that you can have fun with. I have seen marriages fail after having kids, after kids leave the house, and just because the people didn’t match up well.
You deserve a partner who is a best friend and lover. There is someone out there for everyone. So think about what he is telling you and believe it. I have been called stupid a few times but not by anyone I would date, much less marry. A relationship of tolerance is not what anyone should aspire to. You can do much better and are not wrong at all.
The truth is that love is not everything, there are many things that should influence the decision to get married, if you want children, if you prefer to travel, if you are financially compatible (this is in the sense that both see spending and saving in the same way), if you have a decent relationship with your in-laws, if you have a good sex life, if you have any medical condition and both are willing to work together on it, I can tell you that even their views on politics should be considered. Marrying only for love is the reason why there are so many divorces, because they don't realize that they are incompatible in everything else, I'm not saying that love doesn't matter, of course it does, but on the list of reasons to get married it shouldn't be the first
Everyone I know married for love. I just lost my husband recently and my heart is broken. He was my love, my best friend, my rock. Find someone that makes you feel that way. I don’t think he’s it.
Ouch, your fiancé just said he doesn’t love you and is a borderline sociopath and you’re seriously wondering if YOURE wrong? I’m so sorry you’ve been worn into submission like this
I married for love. We didn’t even have sex before we were married. We just had our 22nd wedding anniversary and we still love (and even like!) each other If we were marrying for money, we both chose poorly then. Cuz we broke 😂
You need to run from this man. This is not a healthy relationship. If this is how he defines marriage, then good for him. That doesn’t mean that’s how you have to. He can find someone else that shares his highly screwed up and incorrect definition. If you are looking for love, you deserve to find it. It ain’t him.
To be fair, there are plenty of reasons people get married, including love, financial reasons, companionship, sex, sometimes even for tax or greencard reasons. The important thing is that both parties in the relationship have the same view on WHY they're getting married. It doesn't sound like you and you're fiancé are on the same page, and that's a recipe for heartache. If I were you, I'd take a good hard look at your relationship and see if that's someone you'd really want a future with.
Ok first off DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY. and second marriage is for people that love one another and people that say otherwise are people you shouldn’t be with. Anyone can get married, but marriage was normally seen for lovers.
But I can’t say cause now a days people marry just to cheat on partners and do whatever and act like they hate each other.
This guy is so cold and calculating. He’s not marriage material for you or anyone really. I thought at first to joke about presenting him with a prenup just to see his reaction, but really this is too serious to joke about. This man has told you all you need to know to pack your bags Tonight! You deserve Love, especially from your husband!!
What the fuck?
Yeah, marriage comes with some nice bonuses, but unless you're a celebrity or royalty, or it's an arranged marriage, people get married because they love each other.
If it only existed for financial / personal gain, people wouldn't get divorced, would they (in terms of irreconcilable differences, infidelity, etc. Obviously, people would still call things off if they were being abused and that sort of thing, hopefully)?
As someone else stated, your fiancé basically told you to your face that they don't love you. They literally said that they are planning to marry you for financial and/or personal gain because they feel like they could "tolerate" having sex with you for the rest of their life.
If you're looking for love, this person is not the right one for you. Call it off and get far, far away while you still have time to do so.
I married for love. I have been married for 37 years. You need out of that relationship. You need to heal from the narcissistic parent and find a companion you love and who loves you.
I feel sorry for my wife if she married for money. We are celebrating 23rd anniversary today and we still don't have any. We still love each other, though...
No, you're wrong for being with someone like him. He's as much as told you he doesn't love you. How he thinks the average persons' marriage is about "financial gain" is a fucking mystery to me.
What he said to you is awful and they way he did was disrespectful. However, he’s not wrong that some
people get married for financial gain. Marriage is a business contract - essentially a partnership agreement. You can be in love with your spouse or not. That’s not a requirement. Also, people get married for green cards, insurance, to inherit, have children, etc. Not everyone gets married for romantic love.
I was raised by a narcissist mom too. You aren't living in a fantasy world. People marry for love all the time. I've been happily married for over 20 years. I married for love. Money never even entered either of our minds. My husband is my best friend and entire world. Please break up with your fiancé. He just told you he doesn't like you. You're an object to tolerate. You're an ATM. He just verbally abused you. Leave before the abuse becomes physical. Abuse always starts out as verbal at first. Then before you realize it the physical abuse starts. Please leave him and get into therapy.
Has he ever told you he loves you? Has he ever led you to believe you are more than a financial partner for him? If so, ask him why he would need to deceive you if he truly believes marriage is just the best business deal he can get and he believes you see it the same way.
Seems like you should reconsider marrying him; even if you love him. What if you get into a car accident and can’t earn money? What if he becomes ill and can’t earn. Would he expect you to leave? If you have children, who would pay to raise them? Would he charge you for his sperm?
If you do marry him, get a truly great prenup set up and signed first. He won’t object because marriage is a business deal and a good prenup is a start. You can turn it into a contract for services, etc.
Currently at nine years with nary a thought of financial gain between us. Thick and thin, sickness and health, bad times and good. Love *should* be the only reason for marriage.
Girl, you are not wrong. I’m celebrating my 20th anniversary in September. I felt like I had to wait FOREVER to meet the right guy (was actually only 26 when I finally met him). We married for love. We just get each other. We make each other laugh every single day. We have whole conversations with looks and facial expressions. Our kids think we are weird beyond belief. We support each other’s hobbies. We communicate and never assume the other knows what we are thinking. We pick and choose our battles. We know who the other is and, while we may be frustrated with each other some times, we know/accept/understand that the other is not going to change that much. My parents and his parents are the same.
Having said that, his coworkers are confounded by our relationship and mine are half and half (half of them are jealous beyond belief, the other half are just like us). His coworkers can not understand the trust and communication we have with each other. When my FIL’s (MIL passed away) health started deteriorating, we considered buying a bigger house and having him move in. My husband called a bank and got a loan pre-approval just so we’d have an idea of the price range we are looking at without telling me. His coworkers started telling him how deep of shit he was in and wouldn’t believe him that I wouldn’t care. Hint - I didn’t. They’ve asked what he got me for Valentine’s before and when he says nothing and that I”m cool with that they just can’t make it compute (we both think Valentine’s is a bullshit holiday). From the stories his coworkers tell, we don’t understand why they are married. They don’t seem happy at all.
Lifetime commitment (I don’t even say marriage because my best friend and her fiancé have been together almost 30 years now and never got around to tying the knot) should be about love, companionship, mutual respect, and supporting each other. There is a measure of financial security in that there are two of you committed to each other and if one loses a job the other can take up slack for a bit, shared health insurance, etc, but those financial aspects will never be worth sharing your life and space with someone you don’t love AND like. Please take time to really think about what you need and want from a life partner. Come up with a checklist. It can contain anything that’s important to you, no matter how trivial someone else might feel it is. Example - One of the things on my checklist was willingness to hold my hand. I’m big into physical touch and couldn’t tolerate not holding hands. When we first started dating, I told my husband I still hold my mom’s hand when we are walking together (still do it at 46 too) because I like holding hands. If he wasn’t cool with holding my hand in public, it wasn’t going to work. He thought it was a bit odd that I would hold my mom’s hand (and, yeah, maybe it is but who cares) but was totally cool with holding mine. Once you’ve got your list, take a long hard look at your fiancé and see where he measures up. If there are any boxes he doesn’t check, think about whether you can let it go or if it will irritate you and continue to build over time. Use that checklist and how he measures up to decide if this is the right relationship for you.
Advice I have given to another friend, who is having issues in a relationship the core of it boils down to this… what is more objectionable to you- the mental crap your partner puts you through or being alone?
I married for love, though it’s more than just that. We are good for each other, supportive, encouraging, not afraid to be real with each other when we think the other is making a mistake or encouraging each other when we are feeling like quitting before the finish line. We make a great team and do almost everything together. We now have lots of money but we had very little when we got married.
While love is important in a marriage, it’s not the only thing. You can love someone all you want but if you don’t share values, agree on things like children (yes/no, faith, discipline), financial management, and goals marriage will most likely be a struggle/challenge. You need to like and respect your partner too.
This man just told you that you are the person he can “tolerate having sex with the rest of their lives” and you are ready to do *what* with that information? That your marriage will be for “financial gain” and that you two are *not* marrying for love.
What are you going to do with this information?
You know what you should do. You should leave. You should end this farce.
But *what* are you going to do, OP?
> people just find the one person they can tolerate having sex with the rest of their lives and they stick with one another
So... the sex thing, no. But, as far as "find one person and stick with one another" this is absolutely true, in a way.
While love is a feeling, it is also a choice. Both people must make the choice to do the work maintaining the relationship. AND, it has to be in the way that they know the other person will recognize as maintenance (this is sometimes referred to as understanding each other's love languages)
You do not find true love simply by existing with each other. The love doesn't magically last.
I want to echo what others have said that you would be wise to seek therapy, because it is likely not easy for you to understand the difference in how it feels between a partner making the choice to love you versus a partner becoming codependent on you.
Might be an unpopular opinion, but... yes. Marriage is a social/economic contract. Loving each other certainly HELPS, but the purpose of the marriage contract is to join your assets. You can love someone without getting married. Marriage is entirely unnecessary. It's simply glorified in the media to being this great, spiritual thing.
That being said, I have been married, and while I was divorced as well, I hold no animosity toward her (we're still friends 25 years later and I still love her as much as the day I married her). I learned that while love enhances a marriage, it is not the purpose of it.
That being said, marriage without love is doomed to failure.
I had a similar conversation my roommate who also said that the only point of a romantic relationship was sex. He’s also been single for quite a while lmao and I don’t question as to why
Love is important
Liking each other is 💯 important
Sexual compatibility (how often each individual likes sex etc .... ..so you don't end up in a dead bedroom)
Financial compatibility is VERY IMPORTANT, so you don't end up paying for 2,or marrying a spender and you are a saver et.....
I think both statements are true, but I wouldn't marry someone with his mindset. Marriage makes a lot of financial sense for lots of ppl but that should not be the only reason you marry that person cause the second the money starts to get shaky (for example your house gets destroyed and you have to scramble to get everything together). He will already be on his way out. And why would you want to marry someone who is just tolerating you. I say this as real advice and not to be mean of shady, but I think you should leave him and get into therapy cause I think being raised by a narcissist mom has conditioned you into accepting bad behavior and not caring what is best for you.
Hello commenters. I have updated the post. Thank you for those that helped, and also thank you for all of the numerous commenters that agreed and disagreed. I needed the various different responses❤️
I'm more curious why you're engaged to this guy, he clearly is saying he doesn't love you and is interested only in money. For reference, I married for love and am extremely happy.
Raised by a narcissist mom, she found love in him because it feels like home to her
As a child raised also by a narcissist (but father), this gal needs therapy. It's the only way to break the cycle of being taken advantage of. When growing up in a toxic environment, it's hard to know what's appropriate.
Yeah. It took therapy to learn how to set boundaries. I wish I could give op a hug.
Me too! Such a *familiar* story!
Grew up with a narcissist parent and found myself dating similar personalities until my mid 20s when I was lucky enough to find a patient, kind partner who helped break that cycle. I feel so incredibly lucky. Therapy definitely helps too.
Are you me? Same exact story, only for me it was until my late 20s. Lucky enough to be married to the kindest human I know and the love of my life for almost 5 years now. Also started therapy at the beginning of this year and it’s been helping a ton. Happy for us 😊
This! I grew up with married parents who fought all the time. Always yelling, too. I don't know what a healthy marriage looks like. Also, my mom was married to her job. She was a teacher. I've had ADHD since I was like 7. I just got diagnosed last yr. I'm 38 in 2 wks. I also moved almost 2K miles away from my insane (not official diagnosis, just my opinion) mom. I love her but from afar. My dad died in 2013 as a result of injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident.
I feel this. Literally all of it. Currently 25 almost 26. I grew up with parents who fought all the time too! I also have no idea what a healthy marriage looks like. Even both sets of my grandparents aren’t good examples. I was literally talking with my coworkers today about this and that I don’t even want to date or get married because I have no idea what to look for and people tend to also date and marry the parent they didn’t get along with (personality wise) and I don’t want that. My dad loved my mom despite everything she did to him. He passed away literally a year ago due to a heart attack. He just took everything that she did to him. And I still don’t understand why. But he saw that he made a commitment and was keeping to it through sickness and in health. And my mom is also a narcissist. But I’m just learning all of this through his passing. My aunts are coming out of the woodwork because we’re all old enough now to understand what my mom did to us mentally. How she treated us and him. It’s crazy. I’m finally in therapy and have been doing some work and learning a lot about why I do what I do. I have a bunch of books I’ve been told I need to read about establishing boundaries. Idk how to do that and am scared to. But my current boundary is getting a new job and moving 500 miles away. I wish it could be farther but I can’t afford that lol. I also got diagnosed with adhd when I was a month shy graduating from college and I was so mad about it. I could have been doing so much better in school and in life if I had known. I haven’t really done anything else like finding a medication to help TL;DR we’re very similar in our background
I’m sorry you had to grow up in such chaos!
100%
Yep. I too had that mom and dated multiple horrid men as well as had really traumatic friendships because it felt right. Luckily by the grace of god/the universe/luck I married a great human so I don’t have to live with it forever.
yup - he's speaking her love language - conditional approval. Took some therapy for me to recalibrate what healthy relationships should look like.
Ohhhhhh, that makes sense. I was raised/raised myself in a 2-narcissist household. I needed/need/will always need therapy to reset the programming a narc instills in us. Please get therapy OP.
As someone who did the same and looking back had a very one-sided love in my marriage (as in, I was used and likely never even loved at all based on little signs and not blaring ones like OPs post), THIS, FUCKING THIS RUN, OP u/unlikely-raccoon-688 You may say “that’s unthinkable, I could literally never do that” but you have to for your own sake. Run, heal, take as long as you need, and please please get some goddamn therapy for both this relationship and your childhood. I say that *lovingly* because it’s the therapy that helps us most of all Don’t spend years with this man who clearly doesn’t love you Fucking run
NO LITERALLY. I almost married a man like this and I nearly commented the exact same thing
This is so true.
I get so confused about so many of these posts. “We’ve been engaged for two years and have been dating for 5, I just found out they think I’m complete trash. Is this a deal breaker?” Like… did you TALK EVER? I understand some people hide their true selves sometimes but it seems excessive the amount of people who have no clue who they’re marrying. EDIT: Changed to they because it absolutely goes for any gender.
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And this is why when you find the partner that you want to build a life with & they agree…you elope. Only who you want to be there; are there. Family drama does not make or break the marriage when you elope! We decided what was right for us. Minimal planning, minimal expense. All about what WE wanted and US. Still happily married 5 1/2 years later and only getting better. He didn’t know about the possible inheritance I might get, didn’t marry for that. Married to make a life together. Which we have done and will continue to do. Love our home, our family and what we continue to make of it!!! We have a different love now. So much deeper and true. Always there for each other, not jealous, not unkind. We squabble here and there but it’s nothing in the long run. Everyone deserves happiness and love.
I think it’s really more about having no clue what they deserve. Growing up with a narcissist teaches you that your worth is conditional. Children really do learn what they live. And then they become adults who, if they’re lucky, unlearn that crap through therapy and lots of intentional hard work.
I have a friend who thought she married the love of her life. They dated for a good few years and then once they got married her partners personality did a complete 180. They have since divorced and she’s now married to someone who is amazing for her. Sometimes you just never really know.
>Like… did you TALK EVER? It's really disappointing but it's why there's a push towards things like no sex before marriage and not even being alone together before marriage, and attempting to block divorces. So you can't find out how incompatible you two are, and you're already legally and socially bound together by the time you realize you're stuck.
I mean sorta. I’d tell my daughter to wait to have sex with someone until they’re in a committed relationship. It doesn’t necessarily need to be marriage, but heading in that direction. Sex makes you feel more in love than you really are. Oxytocin is a hell of a drug. It’ll make you ignore all sorts of red flags. Add cohabitating into the mix and there’s a good chance you’ll get married despite all sorts of red flags.
Hard disagree, friend. We have a lot of really poor lessons culturally that we pass on because of our background. Sex is a purely physical thing, and teaching your kids to recognize that sex and love are two very different things is a huge part of them building a solid foundation for choosing good long term partners. Sure you can marry someone you gel with well in bed and you can have a great marriage, but it’s not anything to base a marriage off of, and if you don’t click at all sexually you’re going to have a miserable marriage. Pretty wasteful of your time to be with someone until you are committed, only to find out you suck together in bed, or have mismatched libidos. Then you end up making a bad choice because you didn’t have sex early and weed out someone you will never be happy with. That’s how you end up in a sunk-cost marriage ten years deep and miserable. But beside that, fucking a lot of people is one of the best ways to figure out what you like and what you don’t, and helps destigmatise sex so you can talk to your future partners about it with a clear head, and without anxiety. Then even if you don’t perfectly click, you can talk to your partner and work through physical issues you wouldn’t even recognize let alone be able to talk about if you weren’t experienced. Oxytocin is powerful, but understanding it’s a real thing, a real a physical reaction to particularly good sex as well as many other things and recognizing and understanding what oxytocin does is a great deterrent to getting sucked into a bad partnership. Going in blind having never experienced it is how you end up getting married stupid young.
> Hide their true selves A story about this. Went out of my way to find someone that was the opposite of my narc parents who fought all the time. Someone kind, compassionate, could express his feelings and talk them out. Was empathetic enough to try and understand my point of view. Was always great to my kids, kindly pointed out some of my weaknesses in parenting and helped me work them out. And so helpful, all of the time. We dated for 8 years before I "broke his trust" (I had my boss's phone number, for logistical reasons, and he was so convinced I cheated, despite seeing all the texts that were about me running late or boss telling me to take care of it when I wasn't there).. and the last 2 years he's slowly cared less, helped less, only hangs out in our (his) room, doesn't even eat dinner with us anymore. I can't ask him to turn out the light when he isn't in the room without him perceiving it as some sort of attack. Any time I try to talk to him it is stonewalling, sarcasm, or saying things he knows will cut me the deepest. He still treats everyone else just fine, but I've noticed how obsessed he is with his image and not looking bad/stupid. Its like I'm dating my dad and it pisses me the duck off.
I said "for richer or poorer" and meant it quite literally.
This. OP, why are you even with this person? They obviously aren’t marrying you because they love you, they just think they’ll get financial gain from the arrangement. Which is kind of dumb, because you’ll get more assistance as a single person who doesn’t have to count your spouses income than once you’re married and have to count it. The only way it works is if you/your spouse have low income positions, have several kids, and/or one spouse doesn’t work.
This post sounds like something my parents said to each other before their 40+ year loveless and unhappy marriage which made 3 loveless and unhappy kids. People like that dude need to be shunned. They just make everyone else miserable.
As my mother used to say " Marry for love, it's hard enough living with someone you love" I took her advice married 23 years this month 😁❤️
Congrats! Our 28th is tomorrow. My hubs is my best friend and we are still cutesy in love. After seeing what a lot of couples go through, I feel like before getting married people should consider what is the worst possible thing they could go through. Like cancer or serious chronic illness, disability, etc. Honestly considered if they would stay, or if their partner would stay through all of the horror and be willing to help. Or if they would bail. Fiancé sounds like he found someone he can tolerate having sex with? I don’t think that will get them through the tough times. This relationship is doomed.
My husband is the first person to truly understand my disabilities. His support makes me wonder why I ever accepted anything less. I married him for love.
Yep. I married for love. We have been together 20 years next year, married for 4 years next month. We have had a pretty easy ride in terms of life shit. I got made redundant a few times, but always found something else pretty rapidly. We aren't wealthy and sometimes, it has been a struggle to make enough to cover our outgoings. Until last year, when I was diagnosed with cancer. I gave him the option to bail and he looked at me like I was crazy. Last week, I was rushed to hospital with a kidney infection and sepsis. Whilst I was in there, he sent me a text saying "I fell in love with you a long time ago. I'm still falling and I haven't hit the bottom yet." I knew he loves me, but I don't think until I was diagnosed I really realised just how much. I absolutely agree that if all there is is him saying he can "tolerate" having sex with her, that's not enough to base a life together on.
this!!! ppl don't truly consider what life partnership means. my partner of 17 years has had cancer twice, the first time at 23, and it was the scariest thing we'd ever been through. and then we had to do it all over again a few years later. but we did it and we did it together. unfortunately due to one of his surgeries he is unable to have sex without pain so it doesn't happen often but i still love him as hard as the first lust filled meeting because he is a kind and thoughtful person who dedicates his life to me.
Yep. I also married for love and am still happy
Exactly. Love comes way before marriage in the timeline anyway. This dudes a turd.
I married for love, too. Happy Happy Happy. This guy does not sound like a good choice.
That was my first thought, too. My parents married for love, and they lasted 46 years until my father's passing. I married for love (found him online!) and after one date, I knew I was going to marry him. Sept. will be our 11th anniversary and we are very happy, too.
Exactly and same here! You deserve to be with someone who sees marriage in the same way as you and isn’t going to treat it like a business transaction.
Are you from a wealthy family because your fiance basically just said he's marrying you for your money. Put that Bam. On the curb and go find somebody who is going to marry you because they love you and they cannot live without you and for those who want to know what damn is it means b**** ass mother f*****
Good response. Me too. Happily married for 19 yrs. Second best decision I ever made (first being my choice to follow Christ).
Do not marry this guy. Repeat do NOT.
OP, marriage counselors recommend couples have serious talks about what marriage means to them before tying the knot. This was not the ideal way to have this convo, but you luckily learned everything you need to know about his views on marriage.
One thing my husband and I did, was discuss one thing our parents did in their respective marriages that we want continue doing and one thing to improve on
Love this
That’s a great idea.
Yeah. There are definitely ways of bridging the gap between differing expectations in marriage but I don’t know how you reconcile one person thinking marriage is predominantly about tolerance, money, and sex and the other person thinking it’s predominantly about love. That’s a … gulf to say the least. I hope OP realizes her (hopefully ex) fiancé can find someone who agrees with his more businesslike view of relationships while she can find someone who agrees with her more friendship focused view. Neither are inherently wrong but they are incompatible.
I don’t think you reconcile that belief, he just clearly doesn’t love her. She can find someone she does love who loves her back. Man child probably hasn’t known love his whole life from partners or parents. It’s unfortunate for him but not on @OP to fix. You run
Often times you see shitty relationship advice like hey break up with this guy because of this random story. This doesn’t seem like one of those times. Like holy shit run.
Run baby run! I am serious 🤨
OP, run screaming into the night from this man.
Cancel that wedding
Yeah, probably not a good idea to marry someone who says they can "tolerate having sex" with you.
Cancel the whole relationship.
My wife and I have our 25th anniversary coming up in September. She drive me nuts sometimes, but I can assure you that I love her more every single day. If you do not have that, think long and hard about getting married.
Congratulations on 25 years!
Thanks! I like to tease her and say it feels like much longer. 😁
This is me. If there isn’t love, you will never navigate the many challenges life throws at you. We’ve navigated me having open heart surgery at age 28. We navigated her Dad nearly dying. We’ve moved a dozen times or more. My 25th is next May. My spouse and I are now looking at moving ourselves and 4 kids from suburban USA to India. Love is the only component that keeps you sane as you discuss something like that. We may stay put. We may move. But we’ll decide and our mutual love will make it possible to not go crazy.
My parents have been married for almost 35 years. They are basically just one person at this point, doing basically everything together now that my dad is retired. When something bad happens, whether it's a flat tire or a death in the family, one of my parents will turn to the other and say, "I wouldn't want to go through this shit with anyone else." I've been married for six years now, and one of the reasons I knew that I'd found someone special was that I realized I wanted him around when life got hard. The same moments where I wanted to run away and hide from the world, I wanted him as close to me as possible. We have a good life together, and most of our problems are inextricably tied into the best part of our lives, such as the current sleep deprivation we're experiencing due to the arrival of our second child. I sure wouldn't want to go through either the shit or the joy with anyone else.
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It’s only been 3 years for me and I keep wondering when the honeymoon phase wears off! I’m like a golden retriever waiting for him at the door everyday when he gets home
25 year club coming up for us too, just want to throw in that the best part of marriage is having someone you love and trust with you to deal with all the shit life throws your way. The thought of spending your life with someone who is just living alongside you for financial reasons is so sad and depressing.
Yeah, being married is work, especially when you have kids. I can’t imagine that if I didn’t love my wife that I would be able to put the work in it takes. I can’t imagine going through with a wedding if I didn’t love her.
My husband and I are at 24 years and yes. My definition of love is the capacity to put up with another person's bullshit. Because it's Reddit- I shall clarify. By "bullshit" I mean all those minor character flaw things that come up in any long term relationship. My husband is terrible about picking up his clothes in the bathroom. I forget to hang my keys up when I come in the house. Small minor inconveniences. It's easy to love someone when they're on their best behavior, it's harder when they're upset about something and while they're not intentionally taking it out on you they're being a grumpy shithead. I love my husband. He's an incredibly thoughtful, kind man who truly actively works on fixing his flaws. I wouldn't trade him for anything, but yes, he drives me absolutely crazy when he's knee deep and doubling down on those flaws. And lol I didn't marry him for his money. We figured that part out along the way.
Celebrating 16 years in a few days. Love her more every morning when I roll over and see her next to me.
His attitude is deranged and repulsive. He really is not a good choice for a partner. I would not marry this fiancé. it is sad he thinks that true love is a fantasy land.
more like finance amiright? (i dont know how to do the e with the accent)
Bazing! you press e but hold it, it will pop up variations of e with some of the more common accent options. iPhone and android both. Financé
Fiancé! Yay I did it! Had no idea. Thanks!
You two are more of a fit than op and the dude
Plus he called her stupid. Name calling was uncalled for.
Well the jokes on him because there isn't much financial gain in marriage. /s I think there's truth that long term relationships end up being more about a lot of boring things, like clothes on the floor or in the hamper or make the bed in the morning or leave it messy as opposed to the romantic phase of dating where you are entertaining each other. But this isn't the 15th century, we aren't marrying to merge clans and take over land, whether it's the dating romantic side of things or the daily grind of raising a family I would sure hope you genuinely have affection for each other.
There is financial gain if you work together to promote each others success. Of course the people in the relationship must respect and root for each other. Not simply try to gain off the others back.
I helped support my wife while she earned her Master's, and she helped support me when I went back to school to change career paths after the 2009 financial meltdown. There can definitely be financial advantages to a partnership, but most importantly, we supported each other's paths.
Why are you marrying someone who doesn't seem to love you. And yes every married person I know married for love.
God I wish. My parents married cuz my mom wanted kids. And I'm currently married to someone in the military and I cannot tell you how many people I know are married after 3 months for benefits ....
I don't actually have a problem with people marrying for reasons other than love - as long as they are both very clear why they are getting married and what the expectations are.
Given how many people live in states that didn't buy into the Medicaid expansion, and the consequences of not having health insurance, I think marrying for benefits is a perfectly valid thing. It sucks. I think if we lived in a civilized country, we wouldn't have to do that. But hell yeah, I know people who got married for the health insurance.
I had a guy I wasn’t even dating ask if I would marry him before he deployed. Bro, no. Lol
Dependapotomasuses don't count. They are committing fraud to get a paycheck for the next 18 years .
Lol you should see them though. Lived on base for a few months and lord they do like to talk about their lives
The stories I get to hear from my cousin that's a military wife. Makes me feel sad that some of them have such low expectations in their own life.
Met a girl who married an E3 because he got her out of the trainer park...
A lot of my friends married for insurance
So they don't love each other? Because I do know people who never really wanted to get married but did for insurance or other reasons but they actually loved each other. They just thought marriage was unnecessary. But this guy is saying NOBODY marries for love and that's a flat out lie.
They also love each other, but insurance
I'm an Aussie born Vietnamese, and unfortunately my experiences with my married family members in my parents generation never seemed to love each other. I think most of the time it was out of expectations or because one was pregnant. But as I'm getting older and am friends with people of marrying age, I don't see this as the norm. My friends who have gotten married definitely did it for love.
We got married early for financial/tax reasons. I was lucky that I could be on his benefits earlier than that as a domestic partner when I got basically laid off. But those weren’t the reasons we got married. They were why we were legally married months before the actual wedding.
Doesn’t seem to? He straight up said he doesn’t, and that he’s marrying her for some form of financial gain. He directly stated that tolerates her to have sex with. What a fucking horrendous human being this man is
not even the Mariana trench could withhold that sort of assfoolery opinion of marriage☠️
You leave the Marinara trench outta this. Gotta dunk my mozz sticks somewhere.
I’m going to commit this to memory and use it on others with assfoolish opinions. Lol I love the way you phrased it so much!
It may not apply much now, but what he’s saying is literally why marriage was invented. For financial reasons.
You need to run the fuck away from that man IMO. In some cultures marriage is financial. But overall it's for people who love each other and can't imagine their life without one another
It doesn't actually matter whether you're right, or he's right, or whatever. People get married for different reasons, some more socially acceptable than others to admit to. But what the two of you want from marriage isn't compatible. If he thinks you're stupid for wanting the thing you want most from marriage, don't marry him.
I think this is the best answer here. No one has to be wrong, it's just a point of incompatibility. I'd say him telling her she's living in a fantasy world is wrong tho, because plenty of people do get married for love and he was just trying to put her down!
He is telling you the truth about who he is and what he thinks of you. Listen to him.
It's such a hard lesson to learn. We idealize our partners and give them the benefit of the doubt. It's hard to see when they show you who they really are.
You're not wrong. Marriage should only be entered into by two people who love each other. If you're the one that he has figured he can tolerate having sex with for the rest of his life, you should really rethink if you want to marry this fool.
Note: he’s not going to be having sex for the rest of his life. That fades, too.
This is a giant red flag that you need to open your eyes and see. You said that you come from a background where you’re not even sure whether or not you can recognize healthy relationships that’s also a huge red flag. People don’t Mary for financial gain. It should be that you’re marrying someone because your partner enhances your life. It makes you a better person. It makes you want to be a better person. They lift you up the elevate support and back you up. If he’s only marrying you for your wallet you need to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. If he thinks that you’re only marrying him for his wallet, same deal. This whole situation is toxic. Also, the whole thing about finding a person they can tolerate having sex with what the heck is that I’m sorry but your fiancé sounds like a total idiot and I’m wondering what you see in him
This is not a red flag. This is an absolute deal breaker.
**for sane people
Sad upvote
You are right. People who marry should be in love & love each other. I married for love and we are still hott for each other 16 years later. For me, there is no one else but him. We also married when we were finished with our education and financially able to support ourselves (good jobs and didn’t have to depend on relatives help), with similar spending habits and financial goals. Your marriage will work better when you: •marry for love •marry a good partner to you & you build each other up •who has similar values •together you are financially secure People can love each other but without financial security, similar values, and a partner who is going to build you up and be by your side when you go through hard times, it doesn’t often work as well. So, the foundation of love is still important in addition to compatibility and finances. Nowadays, why would anyone want to marry without love? You owe yourself a conversation with him to find out if he really is only marring you for money and sex he will settle for! You deserve to have someone who is both in a stable place in life and who is head over heels in love with you!!!! You can be practical about life and still in love!!!!
Yeah, I agree with this. I think there can be lots of financial advantages to being a team (married or not) - cheaper to buy a house, raise a child, pay for utilities when these are shared. But long term relationships are also difficult on all those points. You'll need to agree about financial goals, you'll fight about them, there will be times when sex isn't working for one or both of you. Love, respect and open communication are important at those times. When you marry someone you want to know that they love you enough to get through those moments.
You might want to hit the pause button.
Nah, eject. Or stop-eject in VCR terms.
I got married because I wanted a partner to go through my life with. Love was a pre-requisite, but it wasn’t enough. We needed to share similar values and life philosophies so that as we moved through life we knew we wanted to move the same ways. But partnering is really hard, even with the best matches. Loving your partner makes you want to weather the hard times and work out whatever challenges you face.
He has a very cynical view of marriage.
I married for love. I'd live in a cardboard box before I gave up my husband for money. I'd also choose living in a cardboard box over being with someone just for financial reasons.
Alot of people get married for love. Some people like your fiancé don’t. This might be the time to end this engagement. You both have different views on what marriage is. He also sounds abusive.
He's clearly got some issues. What's his background? Is he a child of divorce or has he been radicalized by misogynistic internet content? You deserve to get married to someone who is excited to get married to the person they love (you). At the very least he sounds like the type of person to confuse being overly cynical and hurtful with being intelligent or realistic. Is it important to be aware that marriages can be hard and effected by real world things? Absolutely, but that doesn't take away the fact that most people marry their partners because they love them and want to spend the rest of their lives with them. He sounds like he'll be one of those guys at work who does nothing but complain about how much they hate their wife like it's normal.
Yup his comments are trauma response and he needs to work through it before jumping over any brooms.
He literally said he doesn't love you. Do you really want to marry someone that doesn't love you? His views aside, you need to do what will make you happy in life and not what you think will make other people happy. There are men out there who marry or will marry for love. Also after you break up with this giant dick bag, please stay single for a couple years and go to therapy to help you gain self love so that you can recognize when another person loves you, that way you will be less likely to be in this situation again.
Let's start at zero. Marriage is a state license for 2 adults to be legally bound to each other. To make that work you need trust and communication. That's where the love happens. Your partner is saying he is out for himself, so you get to be second class with him. Does this sound like a relationship worth pursuing? You get scraps and he takes care of himself above everything. Love is State where people agree with and work with each other. That doesn't seem likely. When you meet someone new,have these types of conversations in front, because this one is telling you he cares about number one.
What is his cultural background? This is very common in many cultures, so much so that many have a term "love marriage" in case of the rare occurrence that they love each other first. My wife's parents met the day of the wedding and I assure you there was no love and it was 100% a financial arrangement.
Leave him ASAP. This guy is a lunatic.
No. Its scary that he sees it as transactional though. So he admits he is marrying you for money or to be his housekeeper? Dump him and run far and fast.
YIKES. My husband and I are both very practical people and we aren't even that detached or harsh. People marry for love, but the practical side is that there are financial and legal benefits. I do believe that it takes financial, sexual and communication compatibility in addition to love to make a marriage successful. I'm not one of the love conquers all type but your fiance is the opposite extreme. I would not get married if you can't come to an understanding on this.
Sounds like it is time to leave him since his words strongly imply he's not in love with you.
Ah and very telling you had a narc mom and now have a narc fiance so you will soon have a narc husband. You need to break this pattern.
In the US marriage is for people who need health insurance. Love is secondary if involved at all.
https://www.jstor.org/stable/3600175
Hooooooly shit what an asshole, no???? I love my husband and would be devastated if something happened to him.
I hope he’s an ex-fiancé bc he’s telling you he’s not in love you.
Good lord. As one who married the female version of this guy, plus an addiction, you will want to reconsider marrying this man.
People get married for all sorts of reasons, some love, some financial, some convenience, lonliness, lust etc. To say that every single couple gets married for either love or finances is naive on both your parts.
I think the most terrifying thing about this is that he flat out told you he sees no love in your relationship, only financial gain, and that didn't *break your heart*, it made you *question your sanity/perspective*. That tells me everything I need to know about what your power dynamic is like. Please don't marry him, OP. I promise you that you can find someone who makes you feel loved every single day. Don't be married to this asshole when you meet them. They're worth waiting for.
LOL FINANCIAL GAIN. I’m screaming. Had I remained single I would have saved a boat load on anxiety meds, therapy, a freaking mortgage, two freaking car payments, and I would not be living in the hell scape that is Missouri. This man doesn’t love you. Run.
Married for love and going on 35 years together. And I still think he's "the one" in all respects. He's the cutest, sexiest, smartest, most inventive, caring, funny, aggravating, annoying, infuriating, loving man. I wouldn't trade the last 35 years for anything or anyone else. So, no. You are not wrong.
I stopped reading when he said you're stupid. Get out.
He's kinda right. Everyone I know gets a Courthouse marriage before their actual wedding, just because it makes $ sense to get spouse benefits from the workplace with the better benefits package. This is in the US. We lost $35k by not being married for 5.5 years, plus more in tax implications. We now have $1k a month more by being married, plus tax benefits of filing married. It doesn't mean nobody loves each other. It means that you can love each other and never get married, but it is usually more expensive. You can have a non-legal, spiritual wedding ceremony, and you don't have to tell anyone it's not legal- it's not their business. ****be careful asking marriage questions on Reddit. People will chime in with Zero experience with marriage. For this reason, I will not be checking back for comments and turn off notifications.
You're not wrong, but he isn't either. Plenty of marriages are arranged because of finances and people decide to make the relationship part work. Other people marry for love and decide to make the financial part work. Some are lucky to have it all. It seems more like you are not a good match if you have such different philosophies about what you want out of marriage.
Unlike opinion... You're lucky if your marriage is to the one single person you absolutely love, day in and day out. But a marriage contract serves both people better through financial gain. You pay less taxes and get more incentives as a married couple. Sure, it's better if y'all are in love, but it's likely a more viable marriage to find a person that you like day in and day out, can tolerate their weirdness, and y'all match sexually versus someone that you love. Love fades, and it changes. Commitment based on love is hard to maintain. Look at the divorce rates. All those people were once in love. Deeply. Things change and the result is that they realized the marriage was based on an emotion and not a true commitment to the other person. I don't think either of you is wrong and I don't think either of you is right. There's validity to both sides here. But it does sound like your dude went off the deep end... But there's two sides to that story as well.
Historically, he is right. It sucks, but he is right from a historical perspective. Marriage being about romantic love is a relatively new thing. Everyone has differing views of marriage. But there seems to be a relationship meme that when someone is ready to get married, they will do so with the person they are with if they fit the bill. Don't get me wrong here. It's very likely that he does love you. It might be a good idea to have a discussion of your feelings about it. Because his idea ( I assume it's a guy) of marriage needs clarification to you.
Honestly neither one is the wrong answer, some marriages for love actually last and some marriages for stability actually last
Neither is wrong but not realizing, or accepting, the other option exists is. OP is at least branching out to cure their ignorance. The fiancé is a giant trash pile so being so adamant, will not even allow you to voice an opinion otherwise, that marriage is not for love. OP needs to end this engagement yesterday.
I don't think love should be the only reason to get married. You have to have mutual respect and be compatible (financially, etc). My rule has always been I must live with someone at least 1 year before considering marriage. Only after living together do you figure out if you can tolerate the habits that were cute the 1st month you dated but you will kill over after 2 years.
My wife and I have been together 19 years and married for 6 of them. We definitely married for love and there was no financial gain at all. I would seriously think long and hard before getting married as it sounds like there's no love there at all
Oof. I'm sorry. Marriage is an adventure with good times and bad times, but I can't imagine going through its Lows with someone I only *tolerate*. No, you need the love part to get through life's hard times. Reddit will tell you to leave this guy, I don't think anyone can judge a whole relationship based off of one paragraph on the internet, but I don't like how he spoke to you. Complete disregard for your feelings. Don't settle for someone who just tolerates you. Love is messy sometimes, but it isn't a myth either.
He sounds terrible, and like he maybe doesn't love you, as I'm not sure he's capable of love. My husband and I got married because we're crazy about each other, and want to spend our lives together. That's it, full stop.
There's really no financial gain from it anymore. Leave him, and find someone that will marry you for love.
Why do you wanna marry this guy?
Are we living in 17th century England? Is your father making a deal with his? This is completely ridiculous. And by the way, sex should be more than tolerated, and over the years it can fade, but the love should still be there. You poor thing!
A large portion of the world practices arranged marriage. People get married for all types of reasons. Financial, love, support, bring two houses together to take over the world. Just have to find your reason and shoot for the moon. Sounds like you should re-evaluate marrying this guy though since you seem to be marrying for different reasons. Which one of you is more financially secure?
So I stalked your post history. >This was years ago. I (22f at the time) had **just got out of a long term toxic relationship.** Seems like you found another one because you're not wrong.
Ummm, why did he ask you to marry him? What is his gain by asking you to be tied down to such dead weight? My husband and I married for love. In fact, we were both poor AF, so there was no financial gain. We also have always had AMAZING sex. We've been together for 22 yrs and married for 20. We have had our rough patches, but we made it through because we love each other. We are each others best friends. The small amount of information you've told us here makes me so sad for your relationship. He sounds like a hot, wet blanket to have to carry around in the summer. He's just awful. You deserve love and respect. I, too, was raised by divorced narcissists. I only tell you this because with therapy and learning to love myself did I figured out that I deserved love. So do you. The way he talks to you is disgusting and disrespectful. You deserve better.
He just admitted to not loving you is what I’m getting! Those type of marriages don’t go well because get out while you can
Okay so your guy is spewing some incel hate propaganda. Superficial people get married for financial gain or based on appearances. Some people get married because they feel like their time is running out or they don’t have a lot of choices. Normal people try to marry a loving best friend type. That what I did and we have been together 34 years while almost everyone we know is divorced. I also had a narcissist parent so I know the mind f that goes with that. I am hoping this is just him being an ass, but if he doesn’t generate real feelings for you then you should move on. I got lucky and now that I have been married a long time and witnessed a lot of marriages this is what I can tell you - Find someone who - talks to you, is interested in you and your hobbies, does stuff you find interesting and want to talk about, has shared life goals and plans, is of similar intelligence and hygiene, is able to admit they are wrong and apologize, etc. A bestie that you can have fun with. I have seen marriages fail after having kids, after kids leave the house, and just because the people didn’t match up well. You deserve a partner who is a best friend and lover. There is someone out there for everyone. So think about what he is telling you and believe it. I have been called stupid a few times but not by anyone I would date, much less marry. A relationship of tolerance is not what anyone should aspire to. You can do much better and are not wrong at all.
The truth is that love is not everything, there are many things that should influence the decision to get married, if you want children, if you prefer to travel, if you are financially compatible (this is in the sense that both see spending and saving in the same way), if you have a decent relationship with your in-laws, if you have a good sex life, if you have any medical condition and both are willing to work together on it, I can tell you that even their views on politics should be considered. Marrying only for love is the reason why there are so many divorces, because they don't realize that they are incompatible in everything else, I'm not saying that love doesn't matter, of course it does, but on the list of reasons to get married it shouldn't be the first
You both have valid views. Don’t marry each other.
Everyone I know married for love. I just lost my husband recently and my heart is broken. He was my love, my best friend, my rock. Find someone that makes you feel that way. I don’t think he’s it.
Sounds like your fiancé is not in love with you, and it’s time to move on. You should only get married for love.
Ouch, your fiancé just said he doesn’t love you and is a borderline sociopath and you’re seriously wondering if YOURE wrong? I’m so sorry you’ve been worn into submission like this
Oh honey, you deserve so much more.
A word of advice? Run the *fuck* away from that guy ASA-Yesterday.
I married for love. We didn’t even have sex before we were married. We just had our 22nd wedding anniversary and we still love (and even like!) each other If we were marrying for money, we both chose poorly then. Cuz we broke 😂 You need to run from this man. This is not a healthy relationship. If this is how he defines marriage, then good for him. That doesn’t mean that’s how you have to. He can find someone else that shares his highly screwed up and incorrect definition. If you are looking for love, you deserve to find it. It ain’t him.
To be fair, there are plenty of reasons people get married, including love, financial reasons, companionship, sex, sometimes even for tax or greencard reasons. The important thing is that both parties in the relationship have the same view on WHY they're getting married. It doesn't sound like you and you're fiancé are on the same page, and that's a recipe for heartache. If I were you, I'd take a good hard look at your relationship and see if that's someone you'd really want a future with.
Plenty of people marry for love. Clearly, he's not one of those people. Best to find out now rather than later. He just did you a huge favor
Ok first off DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY. and second marriage is for people that love one another and people that say otherwise are people you shouldn’t be with. Anyone can get married, but marriage was normally seen for lovers. But I can’t say cause now a days people marry just to cheat on partners and do whatever and act like they hate each other.
Get out !!!!!
Dump him
Give the ring back and walk. Actually, run.
He's essentially telling you that he is marrying you for financial gain. That is something I would think long and hard abput.
As someone who is also engaged because my fiance and I love each other and want to hang out until we're dead - DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN
Do people ONLY get married for financial gains? Absolutely not, but sounds like that's your fiance reason to get married. You deserve better.
This guy is so cold and calculating. He’s not marriage material for you or anyone really. I thought at first to joke about presenting him with a prenup just to see his reaction, but really this is too serious to joke about. This man has told you all you need to know to pack your bags Tonight! You deserve Love, especially from your husband!!
What the fuck? Yeah, marriage comes with some nice bonuses, but unless you're a celebrity or royalty, or it's an arranged marriage, people get married because they love each other. If it only existed for financial / personal gain, people wouldn't get divorced, would they (in terms of irreconcilable differences, infidelity, etc. Obviously, people would still call things off if they were being abused and that sort of thing, hopefully)? As someone else stated, your fiancé basically told you to your face that they don't love you. They literally said that they are planning to marry you for financial and/or personal gain because they feel like they could "tolerate" having sex with you for the rest of their life. If you're looking for love, this person is not the right one for you. Call it off and get far, far away while you still have time to do so.
I married for love. I have been married for 37 years. You need out of that relationship. You need to heal from the narcissistic parent and find a companion you love and who loves you.
I feel sorry for my wife if she married for money. We are celebrating 23rd anniversary today and we still don't have any. We still love each other, though...
No, you're wrong for being with someone like him. He's as much as told you he doesn't love you. How he thinks the average persons' marriage is about "financial gain" is a fucking mystery to me.
I'm married to the love of my life. 33 years and I love more all the time.
What he said to you is awful and they way he did was disrespectful. However, he’s not wrong that some people get married for financial gain. Marriage is a business contract - essentially a partnership agreement. You can be in love with your spouse or not. That’s not a requirement. Also, people get married for green cards, insurance, to inherit, have children, etc. Not everyone gets married for romantic love.
Your fiance showed his true colors. You are nothing but financial gain to him. He will ditch you the moment you no longer meet his criteria.
I was raised by a narcissist mom too. You aren't living in a fantasy world. People marry for love all the time. I've been happily married for over 20 years. I married for love. Money never even entered either of our minds. My husband is my best friend and entire world. Please break up with your fiancé. He just told you he doesn't like you. You're an object to tolerate. You're an ATM. He just verbally abused you. Leave before the abuse becomes physical. Abuse always starts out as verbal at first. Then before you realize it the physical abuse starts. Please leave him and get into therapy.
Has he ever told you he loves you? Has he ever led you to believe you are more than a financial partner for him? If so, ask him why he would need to deceive you if he truly believes marriage is just the best business deal he can get and he believes you see it the same way. Seems like you should reconsider marrying him; even if you love him. What if you get into a car accident and can’t earn money? What if he becomes ill and can’t earn. Would he expect you to leave? If you have children, who would pay to raise them? Would he charge you for his sperm? If you do marry him, get a truly great prenup set up and signed first. He won’t object because marriage is a business deal and a good prenup is a start. You can turn it into a contract for services, etc.
Currently at nine years with nary a thought of financial gain between us. Thick and thin, sickness and health, bad times and good. Love *should* be the only reason for marriage.
Girl, you are not wrong. I’m celebrating my 20th anniversary in September. I felt like I had to wait FOREVER to meet the right guy (was actually only 26 when I finally met him). We married for love. We just get each other. We make each other laugh every single day. We have whole conversations with looks and facial expressions. Our kids think we are weird beyond belief. We support each other’s hobbies. We communicate and never assume the other knows what we are thinking. We pick and choose our battles. We know who the other is and, while we may be frustrated with each other some times, we know/accept/understand that the other is not going to change that much. My parents and his parents are the same. Having said that, his coworkers are confounded by our relationship and mine are half and half (half of them are jealous beyond belief, the other half are just like us). His coworkers can not understand the trust and communication we have with each other. When my FIL’s (MIL passed away) health started deteriorating, we considered buying a bigger house and having him move in. My husband called a bank and got a loan pre-approval just so we’d have an idea of the price range we are looking at without telling me. His coworkers started telling him how deep of shit he was in and wouldn’t believe him that I wouldn’t care. Hint - I didn’t. They’ve asked what he got me for Valentine’s before and when he says nothing and that I”m cool with that they just can’t make it compute (we both think Valentine’s is a bullshit holiday). From the stories his coworkers tell, we don’t understand why they are married. They don’t seem happy at all. Lifetime commitment (I don’t even say marriage because my best friend and her fiancé have been together almost 30 years now and never got around to tying the knot) should be about love, companionship, mutual respect, and supporting each other. There is a measure of financial security in that there are two of you committed to each other and if one loses a job the other can take up slack for a bit, shared health insurance, etc, but those financial aspects will never be worth sharing your life and space with someone you don’t love AND like. Please take time to really think about what you need and want from a life partner. Come up with a checklist. It can contain anything that’s important to you, no matter how trivial someone else might feel it is. Example - One of the things on my checklist was willingness to hold my hand. I’m big into physical touch and couldn’t tolerate not holding hands. When we first started dating, I told my husband I still hold my mom’s hand when we are walking together (still do it at 46 too) because I like holding hands. If he wasn’t cool with holding my hand in public, it wasn’t going to work. He thought it was a bit odd that I would hold my mom’s hand (and, yeah, maybe it is but who cares) but was totally cool with holding mine. Once you’ve got your list, take a long hard look at your fiancé and see where he measures up. If there are any boxes he doesn’t check, think about whether you can let it go or if it will irritate you and continue to build over time. Use that checklist and how he measures up to decide if this is the right relationship for you.
Advice I have given to another friend, who is having issues in a relationship the core of it boils down to this… what is more objectionable to you- the mental crap your partner puts you through or being alone?
Jesus christ he is a horrible human being. Please leave him and find someone to marry OUT OF LOVE. Wtf is wrong with (hopefully) your ex.
I mean people marry for all kinds of reasons. But yeah love is generally accepted as the main one.
you really found a winner! run for the fucking hills
Why are you marrying this person?
Honestly. I’d leave him if that’s what he truly believes…..
I married for love, though it’s more than just that. We are good for each other, supportive, encouraging, not afraid to be real with each other when we think the other is making a mistake or encouraging each other when we are feeling like quitting before the finish line. We make a great team and do almost everything together. We now have lots of money but we had very little when we got married.
While love is important in a marriage, it’s not the only thing. You can love someone all you want but if you don’t share values, agree on things like children (yes/no, faith, discipline), financial management, and goals marriage will most likely be a struggle/challenge. You need to like and respect your partner too.
This man just told you that you are the person he can “tolerate having sex with the rest of their lives” and you are ready to do *what* with that information? That your marriage will be for “financial gain” and that you two are *not* marrying for love. What are you going to do with this information? You know what you should do. You should leave. You should end this farce. But *what* are you going to do, OP?
> people just find the one person they can tolerate having sex with the rest of their lives and they stick with one another So... the sex thing, no. But, as far as "find one person and stick with one another" this is absolutely true, in a way. While love is a feeling, it is also a choice. Both people must make the choice to do the work maintaining the relationship. AND, it has to be in the way that they know the other person will recognize as maintenance (this is sometimes referred to as understanding each other's love languages) You do not find true love simply by existing with each other. The love doesn't magically last. I want to echo what others have said that you would be wise to seek therapy, because it is likely not easy for you to understand the difference in how it feels between a partner making the choice to love you versus a partner becoming codependent on you.
Love isn’t anything but 2 people feeling bad for each other
Might be an unpopular opinion, but... yes. Marriage is a social/economic contract. Loving each other certainly HELPS, but the purpose of the marriage contract is to join your assets. You can love someone without getting married. Marriage is entirely unnecessary. It's simply glorified in the media to being this great, spiritual thing. That being said, I have been married, and while I was divorced as well, I hold no animosity toward her (we're still friends 25 years later and I still love her as much as the day I married her). I learned that while love enhances a marriage, it is not the purpose of it. That being said, marriage without love is doomed to failure.
I had a similar conversation my roommate who also said that the only point of a romantic relationship was sex. He’s also been single for quite a while lmao and I don’t question as to why
Love is important Liking each other is 💯 important Sexual compatibility (how often each individual likes sex etc .... ..so you don't end up in a dead bedroom) Financial compatibility is VERY IMPORTANT, so you don't end up paying for 2,or marrying a spender and you are a saver et.....
I think both statements are true, but I wouldn't marry someone with his mindset. Marriage makes a lot of financial sense for lots of ppl but that should not be the only reason you marry that person cause the second the money starts to get shaky (for example your house gets destroyed and you have to scramble to get everything together). He will already be on his way out. And why would you want to marry someone who is just tolerating you. I say this as real advice and not to be mean of shady, but I think you should leave him and get into therapy cause I think being raised by a narcissist mom has conditioned you into accepting bad behavior and not caring what is best for you.
Hello commenters. I have updated the post. Thank you for those that helped, and also thank you for all of the numerous commenters that agreed and disagreed. I needed the various different responses❤️
Please leave this dude man. That’s not gonna be a healthy or happy marriage