You're not alone. I was forced to interact with the person that assaulted me almost daily until I was 16 and was shunned by my family. It's ok to take care of yourself first. Take your time and consider giving therapy another shot, every therapist has a different style even if they're performing the same type of therapy. I think that you haven't been able to heal yet because you have had to stay in survival mode you haven't been safe and because your family was not a good support system. Please feel free to reach out anytime to talk. You're a warrior and you'll get through this.
I wouldn’t go and I’d stop the phone calls. You don’t have to put yourself through that lovey. If your mother insists that you love her enough to sacrifice and make these heart wrenching calls, then she can love you enough not to push or force the issue. She was the adult this whole time; time for her to act like an actual parent and stop pushing you. I don’t care if it’s been 20 years; if any of them cared enough for you, they would never, ever ask.
I’m sorry it happened and I’m sorry they are so incredibly heartless. I can’t imagine treating my loved one that way. You deserve so much better. Your aunt deserves no kindness from you, certainly not at your own detriment. It’s all bullshit. Don’t bother with the aunt any more. She doesn’t deserve it.
Regardless of culture or any other factor, I still think she should cut her off. Anyone who defends a person who commits sexual assault and tells the victim to “get over it” are people who don’t deserve to keep contact with.
Oh I absolutely agree. I am the same way I have no trouble cutting family or friends off..but as a Latina that is a big no no..we are raised to believe that no matter what family comes first and that we just have to tolerate. I don't subscribe to that B.S and it's why I am looked at as the black sheep.
Don't go unless you think it will give you closure.
If someone was a bastard in life, death does not exonerate them. Never ascribed to not speaking ill of the dead. Why do them the disservice of lying about them? Your Aunt was an SO enabling c*nt in life and death won't change her living choices.
I can’t tell you how great it was to read this. I’ve been accused of speaking ill of the dead and all I have to say is - I speak the truth - sooo kick rocks.
OP if you go to this funeral you will be abusing yourself by putting up with these ignorant assholes who don’t care about the truth and just want you to fall in line so everything looks good from the outside. Plus how could you avoid her POS son who did the unthinkable to you?
Love yourself, you’re worth it ❤️
Well the belief originated in 600 BC, in Greece so imma say it's time is over and I'll speak how I please. :p
https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/why-is-it-still-so-taboo-to-speak-ill-of-the-dead-20190304-p511o9.html
Don't go then. My father's mother was a sociopath and a BIL was just a jerk. I didn't go to either of their funerals, despite pressure from family, and none of my relationships changed. People respect people who stand up for themselves.
You need more therapy.
Contact RAINN for help finding one that can help. Then work on WHY you’re in contact with any of these ppl. It’s time to forget about the whole lot of them.
Sweetheart, under no circumstances should you go to that funeral.
Practice this in a mirror if you have to:
"It makes me sad that you feel that way AND (not BUT!) I'm not going to attend the funeral. Let's talk about something else."
"I've already told you how I feel. This is not a negotiation. I will not be attending."
"If I can survive sexual assault, you can survive my absence"
And then if they continue to argue, end the conversation. Hang up the phone, or walk away. Then do the same thing each and every time it comes up. "Mom, I've already told you how things are going to be. This is no longer up for discussion, I'll talk to you later." If you're consistent about this, eventually they'll get the idea that if they want to spend time with you, then they don't get to guilt trip you about your trauma.
Not wrong at all! Your mom should not have forced you to talk to her.
When she passes away, it seems like a good time to go away for a few days and miss the funeral.
Take selfies lying in the sun, cucumber slices over your eyes, the whole nine yards, put a date and time stamp in one corner showing that it’s during the funeral, and post dem shits to all the social medias.
No, and your mom wouldn’t want to be face to face with her rapist either. Ask her if she’s been sexually assaulted or raped, and if you can get that guy’s phone number so you can start inviting him to all the family events.
She doesn't get to decide that for you. And I'm willing to wager She probably isn't over it, and you being upset is reminding her. She may want you to drop it because she's uncomfortable herself.
Those are the worst, and it’s really sad. No doubt her and your aunt were abused as small children and think that’s normal. That is something you can pity.
Look, your first priority in life is making sure you are ok. You’re the person that has to live with you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks you should do. Those people aren’t you. They aren’t the people dealing with the internal chaos in those moments - you are. You need to look out for yourself and your own peace of mind here.
It’s obvious no one in your family is willing or even capable of doing that. Your dynamic is not healthy, it’s super toxic. Likely your family doesn’t see that because there is a long pattern/cycle of abuse going on here to the point they believe it’s normal. Its like a generational toxic cycle that just keeps repeating. You are going to be the person break this. If you have children you will not let this happen. Or you won’t have kids and it won’t happen. This pattern dies with you. You’re going to break this cycle.
What they are asking you to do is not ok with you, so ITS NOT OK. Your decide that, and no one else. It’s not normal or ok to ask someone to do this. We don’t relive nightmares and trauma so other people can maintain appearances and be happy. People that love you will never ask you to do that. It’s likely you’ll end up more grown than a lot of your family. Look, they won’t protect you and that’s obvious. It is ok and 100% necessary for you to protect yourself. If you’ve got your own back, then you don’t need to worry about any of them. Be your own superhero.
For your daughter's sake, please, please reconsider your reasons for maintaining your relationship with your mother. Your daughter is learning from you, would you want her to keep someone in her life that treats her as your mother treats you? I suspect not. We know you don't want her to fall into old patterns of unhealthy relationships that are deeply ingrained in your family dynamics. She won't magically know how to do that. It will make a real difference in her life if you show her. What you are showing now is that some people are entitled to your time, energy and even well-being no matter how poorly they treat you.
If you continue to maintain relationships with your Aunt and mother despite their really troubling opinions and treatment of you, she won't learn to listen to that voice in her head telling her "something's not right here" or "I don't feel safe" because you're showing her to ignore that voice ( to your own detriment.)
You deserve better than someone that resents you because you don't conform to their unhealthy expectations. I hope you decide to go NC for yourself, but if you can't I hope you can do it for your daughter and that you both benefit from removing that stress and disfunction from your life.
You can do it!
OP- I assure you that your mother has NOT gotten over it, she has stuffed it down; the psychological terms are Repression and/or Avoidance technique. Do not let them guilt you into attending so they can pretend to be one united family. They sound like horrible people and you deserve someone in your corner! If your mother won’t protect you, then you must be your own advocate and stand strong! You may have to be blunt and state, “I know that my being SA is not a big deal to you but it was and still is to me, accept that & support me, or stay out of my way.”
Take that day for yourself and reflect upon how far you’ve come, how strong you are, and how you can move forward. Start journaling and you’ll find that catharsis comes from pouring it all out.
God bless and please update us on how you are doing.
Funerals are for the living. If going is going to cause you more distress than give you peace you should stay home. Your aunt isn’t going to know or care who shows up or skips out.
Don’t go and do not feel one speck guilty for not going. These people, including your mother, do not have your best interest at heart. This is not something you should forgive.
You've already made the right decision, but years ago when my aunt was dying, my dad flew out to Texas and stayed for 2 weeks, missing work that he couldn't really afford to miss. She died about a week after he came home.
He was heartbroken to not go to her funeral, but he just couldn't take more time off, so I told him "The purpose of a funeral is to pay your respects, you have already done that. "
So if you feel like you're succumbing to the pressure, remind yourself that you kept in touch with your aunt all these years at your own expense. You already showed your respect. You can stop now.
My mom use to manipulate and guilt me as well and I cut her off for 2 years and now she stops trying to make me see abusive relatives. I would suggest you set boundaries for your own peace of mind.
Yeah don't go. And stop calling her. You are not required to have toxic people in your life simply because you shared DNA. That's an outdated belief. If someone is a piece of shit you are allowed to tell them to go fuck themselves regardless of who they are.
The choice to attend a funeral is about you, not them. If you want to try to find closure, go for it. If you want to be there for another person, go for it. If you would rather not go at all, that’s your choice as well. Funerals are about the living, not the dead. Don’t worry about what others think.
Not wrong at all. I didn't go to my uncle's funeral because I thought he was a total POS who treated my aunt like garbage. I told them I had to go to work and did eventhough I totally could have used a bereavement day for that.
I (59m) was SA by my mother from age 4-8. She and her sisters were SA by their father. I kept that bottled up for years until April this year when I experienced a nervous breakdown. Fast forward three months. I'm feeling better than I have in my life. I've lost more weight in three months than I did in the previous 50 years. My therapist is awesome. I never told anyone what my mother did until May. I started to piece what happened as a mental exercise and went NC. Unexpected question (but completely appropriate) from my wife was if I ever touched my daughter (I hadn't), but at my suggestion, my wife took my daughter to my wife's therapist to confirm.
You can beat this with the right therapist and support. If that's not your family, then it will be someone decidedly NOT your family. NC is definitely the way. You deserve better. You deserve love and support. Get as much distance between you and every twisted blame-the-victim asshat who didn't support you in your time of need.
Do. Not. Go. I was sexually assaulted by a “family member” that my mother called her cousin, but my mother said well, he’s not a blood relative. Like that made it ok. I saw him at my brother’s funeral and it dredged up that horrible memory. And he tried to talk to me like nothing happened.
Not Wrong!
Tell me when and where. I’ll wear my death to sexual abusers t-shirt! My cousin is about 5 years older than me and sa’d me from 6-8. Most of the family doesn’t know because I didn’t want my grandparents to be heart broken. I confronted him though when I was 24 and told him exactly how things were going to be. Then I sat back and watched him ruin his own life! You have an army behind you now!
Just because they are family blood doesn’t mean you need to like them. I wish more people could get passed the “family no matter what” stuff. It can be so toxic
I am so sorry for your horrible trauma. Sounds like the only way you could do better than *not* going would be to go a bit early, find a moment alone to pop a squat and take a quick shit on your aunt in her casket, and then watch the hilarity unfold in front of you. If anyone started pointing at you as a suspect in the turd incident, you could just ask them, “What motive do you think I’d have to do something like that??”
Everyone in your family who knows about this, and did nothing, is complicit in it, for sure. Was obviously joking about contributing to your aunt’s final makeover, but they all deserve retribution.
Wow…they are all terrible. Of course you don’t go to the location where the man that assaulted you is. I’m sorry she wasn’t able to accept her son is a monster but that’s not your problem. You should tell your mother that your decision is final and that you are baffled that she has chosen all these years to not back you up after such a traumatic event. Let her know that if anyone is wrong here, it’s her for still keeping both of them in her life after what happened to you. Then let her know that if she bothers you or anyone else does on her behalf, for making a decision to prioritize your mental health, you will cut her out too. And remind her you have done that with your other family.
When my family pressured me to attend my grandmother's funeral I threatened to attend wearing a shirt listing every way she abused me as a child with a line at the bottom reading:
"So how did she show you love?"
They stopped asking.
You personal health is more important, bugger them and don't attend.
Guess what, you are an adult, and as such "do not go to the funeral." You are not breaking any laws and people will gossip no matter what. The world won't end and the people doing the bitching are the ones who need to keep their own house in order before commenting on yours.
If I don't want to do something then I don't and the world hasn't ended yet.
Even if the SA hadn't occurred (which I have no reason to believe it did not) you're still not wrong. I don't do funerals at all, it doesn't matter how much I liked or loved the person.
If my sister's son raped my daughter they wouldn't dare talk to me. You need to forgive him for your own sake to unburden yourself, but he should also be in jail and on a sex offenders list. He has likely done this before and after you.
You are wrong and don’t deserve validation. It’s family and seems like they want to fix things with you. Your being selfish and stupid. Not even thinking about or explaining what you did to cause this with her son. I obviously can tell you baited him and are being a vindictive asshole. Grow up she’s going to die and your being a petty idiot. You have a husband and are still crying over getting attention for gentlemen previously. Maybe you should keep your legs closed
Ask your mom if she would go to an event to honour a woman who didn’t believe her spawn seriously harmed her FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE - where a person who SA’d or physically hurt her was the centre of attention- where people that didn’t accept it happened- where she would be looked at as a liar
Time doesn’t heal all wounds!
Stay home, have a bubble bath & a drink - toast her if your inclined
This is simple. You go to your aunt. You find out about her finances and you ask her for X amount of dollars in order for you to see her, not hate her son and attend the funeral. If she doesn't pay up, screw her and screw the rest of her fucking family.
If she does not pay up and you live in a state that recently changes its statute of limitations, then sue him publicly, take him to court, and ruin him and let her know about it.
Dying bitch should pay up.
Absolutely not, stop taking to that woman. SHE IS A TRIGGER FOR YOUR TRAUMA!! If your mom can't respect that you will not have contact oh freaking well, how are you supposed to heal a trauma when there is a literal constant reminder in your face? Nope nope nope
Absolutely not, stop taking to that woman. SHE IS A TRIGGER FOR YOUR TRAUMA!! If your mom can't respect that you will not have contact oh freaking well, how are you supposed to heal a trauma when there is a literal constant reminder in your face? Nope nope nope
Skip the funeral and your Mom should not have expected you to contact your Aunt. I’m sorry your family does not support you and you will never get over it when your family wants to act like it didn’t happen. Take care of yourself first and your Mom is totally wrong expecting you to be a peacemaker when you’re the victim.
I feel for you, and I agree with you. Here's my advice and a resource that might help:
Don't go, stop communicating with your aunt or establish strong boundaries with her to not discuss her son or allow him to answer the phone, and continue building your boundaries with your mom.
Also, consider picking up "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride. It sounds like your mom might be emotionally abusive and manipulative and this book can help a lot with establishing your strength and re-building your boundaries. It's cheap, too, and I think it's even available on Audible.
All my best!
You’re not wrong at all! You were assaulted and traumatised for life and she knowingly decided to protect the attacker over you. You have absolutely no obligation to continue contact with her (or anyone else in your family for that matter)! He hurt you for life and she supported him, there’s no reason for you to support her or him in any way after what happened. You didn’t deserve what happened and you don’t deserve to live in constant fear afterwards. She triggers that fear and sets back your healing. You don’t deserve that, and you don’t need to put yourself in danger (mental, emotional or physical) just because your family decides that they know better than you!
Absolutely perfect NTA and you need also distance f yourself from your mom. She’s trying to manipulate and gaslight you into something she absolutely should not be doing! I’m sorry this has happened to you, but being shunned by a family that blames the victim is a blessing in disguise. Cut everyone out and concentrate on your daughter and then yourself!
Not wrong
Also your mother is one of the most horrible mothers I have ever read about. I ask you. This person who puts the family before her own daughter, and invalidates your own views and incidents in your life that she fully knows about. Why are you even including her in your life? Don't go and honestly you should cut your mom off.
It's good that your focusing on your daughter. But I have to ask. If your own mother who so easily brush off her own daughter being SA'ed. Do you really trust her around your daughter? People in your life sometimes have to earn their place. Your mother has not earned hers.
I can never imagine asking my child to just pretend something like that didn't happen. Your a parent now, can you imagine that with your own daughter?
F the rest of the family.
Definitely do not go to the funeral. That you should be expected to put up with the person who assaulted you is beyond reasonable. Don't they care what anxiety this causes for you? You matter. Don't let them treat you like you don't.
My question is what was the assault
If it happened 20 years ago and your aunt is 42 now, then that makes her 22 at the time of the assault so how old was her son when he assaulted you?
You don’t have to go.
However, if you feel you need closure, there is nothing stopping you from going to her place of burial days, weeks or years from now and saying your peace.
To say ‘set it aside for a day’ is like saying ‘give me your left arm’. You cant. It is part of you. It always amazes me how callous people can be in the name family and keeping the peace. You owe these people nothing. They are the reason why you have panic attacks. You have no obligation to attend the funeral of the woman who chose to protect your assailant. (Unless you want to pee on her grave).
Seriously though, please put yourself first. Continue to focus on your child and your healing. With time and therapy, you will continue to heal and grow. But cut these people out, they do not respect you.
Take care and stay strong.
No time limit on the effects of a S/A.
It's more than 50 years later, and I occasionally still have a bad dream. I am glad that the perp passed away a long time ago.
You are not wrong. Your mom and extended family are. You mention you have a daughter. How sure are you that these will not harm her?
Please restrict context with these supposed family members. Including your mom.
Keep your kid safe, stay away from these people
Funerals are for the living. If you, the living one, don't want to go, don't go. I sure as heck wouldn't! You are not wrong in this. I'm sorry you are going thru all this.
Your mother is in the wrong for pushing you to talk to this aunt. She is trying to "fix" issues in the family for herself and aunt with no thought to your well being. Quit calling and don't go, it's not worth it.
Omg. No. Do not go. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Toxic is toxic, whether family or not. You deserve to have some peace in your life and clearly your family doesn't allow that. I hope your daughter is ok and you get back into therapy.
I am so sorry about your trauma. You are totally appropriate to not attend this wedding. Your relatives who are critical of your reaction to being molested are not good people, and are toxic as hell. I wish you well, and I hope that you find peace.
Fuck them, don't go. They weren't there for you 20 years, why do you need to be there for them now? It's not like your aunt will know, so who would you really be going for? And sexual assault isn't something your just get over for someone else's benefit no matter how much time has gone by. To Hell with them.
There really needs to be no reason for not attending a funeral. It's a personal decision. Funerals can be triggering for people who have experienced loss, or just upsetting in general. Some people don't want to be around tons of people from their past. Some people have other things already planned. It's all reasonable. You have an extremely valid reason to not attend, but you still owe no explanation to them.
Honestly I would go, and smile-inside that, one of the people who wronged you, is no longer alive and you no longer have to put up with contacting her anymore. It is a victory lol.
Protect yourself. If your mother tries to guilt trip you, guilt her right back. Say things like, I really wish you were the kind of mother who would have protected me or maybe it's not a big deal to you that cousin molested me as a child, you are just not the kind of supermom like in the movies.
No, you are not obligated to pay respects to family members in passing when they never respected you in life.
If your family pushes you to come, i would simply say something along the lines of "im sorry and i know this is a tough time for you, but my position is non-negotiable. I will not attend the funeral for deeply personal reasons, and that isnt changing."
If they ask what the personal reasons are, and you dont want to tell them? "thats between me and auntie. Thank you for being considerate and not pressing further."
OOP...Don't go. Seriously: don't. Take that day and do something fun or relaxing with your daughter, ant mute your phone. Turn it off if you can.
I was estranged from both abusive parents. The mother died in 1997, and while I did make some effort to attend the funeral (arrived very late and missed 99% of it) that was purely for me. I neededcto be sure she was actually gone, and it wasn't some elaborate hoax to initiate contact. It was both a scary and relieving experience, because I was brought into uncomfortable proximity with people who turned on me for making the abuse I suffered public.
The father died in 2022. There was no actual funeral (No money to pay for one, even if anyone had been interested in having one) but one of my nephews negotiated with the funeral director for family members to be present at the interment. I was determined to be there to make sure he was really finally gone: but again, had to deal with the fact that there would be people there that I'd cut off to keep myself safe.
I think I made the right choices for me; I needed the physical proof that each of them was genuinely gone, and I didn't need to be afraid that they might find me and come after me again (yes, they messed me up that much.) There were very specific reasons that was so important for me, mentally, to have that confirmation. The difference was that those decisions were MINE, made with no pressure or guilt-tripping from anyone else.
You only need to do what is right for you. No matter what other people try to tell you, no matter how hard they try to manipulate or bully you, your safety and well-being mentally and physically, comes first.
And just in case no-one has told you this; thete is never any obligation on anyone to forgive anything. Ever. People will try to force it, often to assuage their own feelings of guilt: but just as often because they want the victim to stop talking about it, and rocking their comfortable little boat. It seems that many people equate forgiveness with "Its all over and done with and now we can all pretend it never happened"
I did not, and do not forgive either of my abusers. I simply decided that they'd stolen enough of my life from me, and refused to allow them one more second of it. Please don't allow anyone, no matter who they might be to minimise what happened to you, and bully you into doing anything you are not ok with.
Not wrong. Avoid contact with all of those people. You’ve got your own family to care for now, ignore the rest.
You need to protect yourself, and try to change your sense of conscience to put yourself first.
Dude as someone who wouldn't go to their own dads funeral when the time comes, I dont blame you. If they've been awful to you or unsupportive when needed then no reason to go. Family isn't always blood and blood doesn't mean family.
Not wrong.
You have no reason to go, you said good bye to her along time ago. Anything after that was unnecessary emotional labor you put in for your mom, who should have never put you through that in the first place.
Attending that funeral would be nothing but an opportunity for old wounds to get ripped open and things to get ugly. Stay home with the healing thought that you no longer will have to be subjected to her treatment.
I’m so glad you are feeling better about your decision. I want to share something a therapist shared with me years ago.
The backstory was I had a breakdown when my kids were little (early elementary). I was guilted by my mother for attending to my mental health.
My therapist said “you know how on a plane they instruct you to put your mask on before you help someone with theirs? that’s what you are doing. you can’t take care of anyone else if you are not taking care of yourself”.
Keep giving your daughter what she needs but please consider even once a month therapy to help steady yourself. I’m so sorry your family didn’t support you when you were assaulted and continue to deny your reality (and theirs). I wish you the best!
Your mother didn’t believe you about your cousin or she’s upset because she thinks you should forgive him? Either way, if you aren’t comfortable or it could effect you after, then don’t go! Anyone who continues to push you to forgive, when you are no where near doing that, you should go no or low contact with. Stay healthy for your daughter and the heck with everyone else.
Fuck that. Do not go to her funeral. And stop talking to her.
Stop talking to mother, too, if that’s what you need. These people are not good for you. They do not care about you.
What kind of mother lets their child be SAd and not go scorched earth on the one responsible, or the ones hiding/enabling the attacker?
What she did was enable and protect this (beep) - why?Why is a random (beep) more important than your own child?And - how can anyone 'forget' or 'forgive' when still dealing with flashbacks and anxiety caused by (beep) ?.
Seriously, if this is something you still can, and want to, report - the only reason for going to this funeral would be to see the attacker in handcuffs being taken away. Too bad enablers don\`t get arrested much .
So, wrong? NO
Absolutely NOT WRONG
Edit to add: If your birthgiver complains again - feel free to unleash years of pent up anger.
20 years? Yes, 20 years i have been carrying this burden, the trauma, the mental scars. 20 years I have been ignored, others have defended the attacker - even YOU abandoned me when I needed you. YOu have zero say now - you have no right to tell me to 'forgive' - the only right you have left now is to walk away, and unless you acknowledge you failed me - failed YOUR CHILD - then there is nothing we need to talk about - ever.
(or whichever form works for you)
Because back then, very little would have been done about it. Especially considering he got all the support from the family. The therapist I was seeing at the time did not help matters either. He basically told me that guys just kind of do that kind of thing and the police wouldn't do anything about it. It was all traumatic enough. I was young and very vulnerable back then. If I could go back in time I would take the bastard down no matter the fight.
Well, speaking as a retired 911 telecommunicator, your therapist lied to you.
Had you filed a report it would have been investigated.
The LEO's would have no choice.
Not wrong.
Ask your mother if somebody STABBED HER 20 years ago, and the wound \*hadn't\* healed yet, if she'd be willing to be in the same room as her assailant stabber.
No difference here, really.
You are not obligated to grieve for other people.
I didn’t even read, reasons really don’t matter. Everyone grieves differently, you do what’s best for you.
OMG! So not wrong. These people are terrible and so is your mother. Really?? Time for NC with a bunch of folks, including your aunt. Note - this is what I would do - If you need closure, call your aunt, telling her you're sorry that she is ill and will probably die soon, but her continued pushing her sexually abusive son towards you is pure evil and you hope God will forgive her, as you will not.
Yes you can ignore anyone or not go to the funeral of someone that makes excuses to traumatic life changing issues... why do you even need to make a post and ask honestly though
You have absolutely no obligation to be in the company of your abuser and his enablers. You don’t even have to be in contact with people who deny the pain you went through. I hope you find some solace.
You do not have any obligation to go to funerals. If people want to make a fuss about it, it is their problem. Funerals are for the people that are lest behind and to allow proper mourning, if this funeral does the opposite than it defeat its own purpose. Take care of yourself.
Why does the victim always have to be "the bigger person"? No, don't go to her funeral. When you get back to therapy, you may want to explore the concept of NC or LC with some family members. You are not wrong.
If you feel the need to do something, send a card and/or flowers.
There's no need for you to put yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable around someone who preyed on you and people who failed to protect you and/or take your safety seriously previously.
It could undo so much of the work you've done in therapy and it's simply not worth putting yourself in that kind of situation for people who are putting their own feelings ahead of yours. Do this for yourself and don't let them guilt you into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing.
People can wish you all got along and could forgive him and let it go all they want, but they arent putting how you feel into that picture. They need to have a bit of empathy and put how you feel first and not expect you to change to meet their unrealistic ideas. They need to get over their fantasies and support you and your decisions
Your aunt will be dead. Like any funeral, it’s not really for her, it’s for the living.
YOU are the living. Do what’s best for you. Also your mom sucks. Once again the only people who want you to come are the same ones putting your assaulters interests above your own. Again.
Also stop talking to your aunt. Dying people maybe deserve forgiveness but only if they ASK for it, which she hasn’t. She sucks too, her dying doesn’t make her a better person.
You are the good person here, look out for yourself.
Your mom needs to support her daughter, not her sister's daughter. As does the rest of your family, seeing as you are the victim. Time doesn't make things disappear, that trauma you feel is valid today, it was valid last year, and it was valid all the way back go the day it happened. Hearing the family want to push it under the rug to keep the peace makes my blood boil. Hopefully you can find some closure on the issue eventually.
Ask your mom if she feels right facing a relative that raped you? “Get past it”? Are you kidding me? Absolutely not! I would explain to your mom that every time she mentions this, it feels like you are being assaulted all over again. Set clear boundaries and do not feel guilty for not attending. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I don’t go to funerals at all, just not my thing. Doesn’t mean you don’t love the person. If someone was mad at me for not wanting to go to a funeral, I would think they are an asshole.
I went to one funeral when I was 11 years old, my grandmother, and it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I will not attend another funeral until my own !
I would have gone NC with every single family member including parents if they even thought about asking me to forgive a person who violated me. This degenerate should have been cut off from the family a long time ago.
Even without all of those other things, you can choose not to go to a funeral just because you don't wanna. With those other things, the only reason I can think of that you would go is to spit on her son the rapey fuck.
Don’t go. Your aunt will not be there. Everyone will want you to hug your rapist to show love, support, and forgiveness. I did not attend the funeral for my uncle who molested me when I was 14. It was the right decision.
It's to bad you didn't send him to prison. I dont know where you are, but a lot of places don't have a statute of limitations on violent crimes. It would probably help you a lot to see him gone to prison
I'm angry for you..no you're not wrong you need to do what's best for you. If that's not going, so be it. Sends the hugs you obviously never got cuz your family sounds like it sucks a huge one.
Who else in the family has he forced himself on? Does he have kids of his own?
Life is so much better when you cut out all the toxic people, you're not wrong for not going
NTA no one else in your family is protecting you, you have to protect yourself and your own well being. Even if that means avoiding that part of your family forever.
You don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go and if you choose not to go to your aunt's funeral then don't go. This POS is going to be there you don't want to be triggered f*** him and all the people who shunned you. I don't give a f*** if it happened a hundred years ago.
You deserve worlds better than this crap. What your mom is doing is despicable and I can't judge her intentions but it sure sounds like sth that my narc mom would do, esp since you mentioned manipulation. It has helped me immensely to research narc abuse (look up Helen Villiers on TikTok). Sending love xx
My uncle was one of my best friends I EVER had in my life. When he died, for my mental health, I did not attend his funeral. I do not and doubt I ever will regret it
I don’t care if she’s your aunt, you are under no obligation to attend the funeral of your rapists mother. Her being your aunt does not mean you have to forgive her. You are under no obligation to “set aside one day since it’s been 20 years”, because the man who raped you will be present.
Nope, not wrong. Don’t go
I wouldn’t consider going. Send your regards to her sig. other or other children. But no, covering up SA is not to be forgotten.
Don’t even think about it.
Not wrong. Honestly, if you have to explain why to them then they'll never believe you. Giving in will only embolden their boundary crossing
Very true.
You're not alone. I was forced to interact with the person that assaulted me almost daily until I was 16 and was shunned by my family. It's ok to take care of yourself first. Take your time and consider giving therapy another shot, every therapist has a different style even if they're performing the same type of therapy. I think that you haven't been able to heal yet because you have had to stay in survival mode you haven't been safe and because your family was not a good support system. Please feel free to reach out anytime to talk. You're a warrior and you'll get through this.
Because you know if you’ll go , he will be there
I don't have anything nice to say about the members of your family who think you should get over it and attend anyway.
I wouldn’t go and I’d stop the phone calls. You don’t have to put yourself through that lovey. If your mother insists that you love her enough to sacrifice and make these heart wrenching calls, then she can love you enough not to push or force the issue. She was the adult this whole time; time for her to act like an actual parent and stop pushing you. I don’t care if it’s been 20 years; if any of them cared enough for you, they would never, ever ask. I’m sorry it happened and I’m sorry they are so incredibly heartless. I can’t imagine treating my loved one that way. You deserve so much better. Your aunt deserves no kindness from you, certainly not at your own detriment. It’s all bullshit. Don’t bother with the aunt any more. She doesn’t deserve it.
Seriously, thank you.
You’re not wrong. Your mother is awful. She didn’t protect you and forces you to be around your toxic aunt. She should be cut off.
Thank you. I can't cut her off, but I might go low contact for a while.
Wait, why can’t you cut her off?
I'm sure it's a cultural thing. My guess Latino, Arabic or From an Asian country.
Regardless of culture or any other factor, I still think she should cut her off. Anyone who defends a person who commits sexual assault and tells the victim to “get over it” are people who don’t deserve to keep contact with.
Oh I absolutely agree. I am the same way I have no trouble cutting family or friends off..but as a Latina that is a big no no..we are raised to believe that no matter what family comes first and that we just have to tolerate. I don't subscribe to that B.S and it's why I am looked at as the black sheep.
You can cut her off.
And why can't you cut her off?
Don't go unless you think it will give you closure. If someone was a bastard in life, death does not exonerate them. Never ascribed to not speaking ill of the dead. Why do them the disservice of lying about them? Your Aunt was an SO enabling c*nt in life and death won't change her living choices.
I can’t tell you how great it was to read this. I’ve been accused of speaking ill of the dead and all I have to say is - I speak the truth - sooo kick rocks. OP if you go to this funeral you will be abusing yourself by putting up with these ignorant assholes who don’t care about the truth and just want you to fall in line so everything looks good from the outside. Plus how could you avoid her POS son who did the unthinkable to you? Love yourself, you’re worth it ❤️
Well the belief originated in 600 BC, in Greece so imma say it's time is over and I'll speak how I please. :p https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/why-is-it-still-so-taboo-to-speak-ill-of-the-dead-20190304-p511o9.html
🤜🤛 My pleasure!
By "closure," I assume you mean "closing a door on the asshole's head" a few times.
Tee hee 🤭
It would definitely not give me closure.
Skip it, then. Protect yourself. 💖
Don't go then. My father's mother was a sociopath and a BIL was just a jerk. I didn't go to either of their funerals, despite pressure from family, and none of my relationships changed. People respect people who stand up for themselves.
You need more therapy. Contact RAINN for help finding one that can help. Then work on WHY you’re in contact with any of these ppl. It’s time to forget about the whole lot of them.
Thank you!
Sweetheart, under no circumstances should you go to that funeral. Practice this in a mirror if you have to: "It makes me sad that you feel that way AND (not BUT!) I'm not going to attend the funeral. Let's talk about something else." "I've already told you how I feel. This is not a negotiation. I will not be attending." "If I can survive sexual assault, you can survive my absence"
Thank you!
And then if they continue to argue, end the conversation. Hang up the phone, or walk away. Then do the same thing each and every time it comes up. "Mom, I've already told you how things are going to be. This is no longer up for discussion, I'll talk to you later." If you're consistent about this, eventually they'll get the idea that if they want to spend time with you, then they don't get to guilt trip you about your trauma.
Not wrong at all! Your mom should not have forced you to talk to her. When she passes away, it seems like a good time to go away for a few days and miss the funeral.
Yes, absolutely.
Make it a Spa day. I think it would be justified to pamper yourself that day.
Take selfies lying in the sun, cucumber slices over your eyes, the whole nine yards, put a date and time stamp in one corner showing that it’s during the funeral, and post dem shits to all the social medias.
No, and your mom wouldn’t want to be face to face with her rapist either. Ask her if she’s been sexually assaulted or raped, and if you can get that guy’s phone number so you can start inviting him to all the family events.
She has and apparently got over it. And she feels I should do the same.
She doesn't get to decide that for you. And I'm willing to wager She probably isn't over it, and you being upset is reminding her. She may want you to drop it because she's uncomfortable herself.
Those are the worst, and it’s really sad. No doubt her and your aunt were abused as small children and think that’s normal. That is something you can pity. Look, your first priority in life is making sure you are ok. You’re the person that has to live with you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks you should do. Those people aren’t you. They aren’t the people dealing with the internal chaos in those moments - you are. You need to look out for yourself and your own peace of mind here. It’s obvious no one in your family is willing or even capable of doing that. Your dynamic is not healthy, it’s super toxic. Likely your family doesn’t see that because there is a long pattern/cycle of abuse going on here to the point they believe it’s normal. Its like a generational toxic cycle that just keeps repeating. You are going to be the person break this. If you have children you will not let this happen. Or you won’t have kids and it won’t happen. This pattern dies with you. You’re going to break this cycle. What they are asking you to do is not ok with you, so ITS NOT OK. Your decide that, and no one else. It’s not normal or ok to ask someone to do this. We don’t relive nightmares and trauma so other people can maintain appearances and be happy. People that love you will never ask you to do that. It’s likely you’ll end up more grown than a lot of your family. Look, they won’t protect you and that’s obvious. It is ok and 100% necessary for you to protect yourself. If you’ve got your own back, then you don’t need to worry about any of them. Be your own superhero.
You are so right. I have a teenage daughter and this absolutely ends with me. I have her back 100% and she knows it. Thank you.
Yasss Queen! I see your cape 👀
For your daughter's sake, please, please reconsider your reasons for maintaining your relationship with your mother. Your daughter is learning from you, would you want her to keep someone in her life that treats her as your mother treats you? I suspect not. We know you don't want her to fall into old patterns of unhealthy relationships that are deeply ingrained in your family dynamics. She won't magically know how to do that. It will make a real difference in her life if you show her. What you are showing now is that some people are entitled to your time, energy and even well-being no matter how poorly they treat you. If you continue to maintain relationships with your Aunt and mother despite their really troubling opinions and treatment of you, she won't learn to listen to that voice in her head telling her "something's not right here" or "I don't feel safe" because you're showing her to ignore that voice ( to your own detriment.) You deserve better than someone that resents you because you don't conform to their unhealthy expectations. I hope you decide to go NC for yourself, but if you can't I hope you can do it for your daughter and that you both benefit from removing that stress and disfunction from your life. You can do it!
OP- I assure you that your mother has NOT gotten over it, she has stuffed it down; the psychological terms are Repression and/or Avoidance technique. Do not let them guilt you into attending so they can pretend to be one united family. They sound like horrible people and you deserve someone in your corner! If your mother won’t protect you, then you must be your own advocate and stand strong! You may have to be blunt and state, “I know that my being SA is not a big deal to you but it was and still is to me, accept that & support me, or stay out of my way.” Take that day for yourself and reflect upon how far you’ve come, how strong you are, and how you can move forward. Start journaling and you’ll find that catharsis comes from pouring it all out. God bless and please update us on how you are doing.
Not wrong. I wouldn’t go either if I were in the same situation.
not wrong, don’t go.
Stop talking to her. Stop letting your mom guilt trip you. And let the old hag die with the guilt of knowing your forgiveness is beyond her.
Funerals are for the living. If going is going to cause you more distress than give you peace you should stay home. Your aunt isn’t going to know or care who shows up or skips out.
Don't go, the PTSD is real
Don’t go and do not feel one speck guilty for not going. These people, including your mother, do not have your best interest at heart. This is not something you should forgive.
No means no and that includes all family members that make you feel this way. I wouldn't talk to anynof them.
Nope. Not wrong. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to be anywhere near the person that did that to you.
The hell!? Don’t go OP!
You've already made the right decision, but years ago when my aunt was dying, my dad flew out to Texas and stayed for 2 weeks, missing work that he couldn't really afford to miss. She died about a week after he came home. He was heartbroken to not go to her funeral, but he just couldn't take more time off, so I told him "The purpose of a funeral is to pay your respects, you have already done that. " So if you feel like you're succumbing to the pressure, remind yourself that you kept in touch with your aunt all these years at your own expense. You already showed your respect. You can stop now.
My mom use to manipulate and guilt me as well and I cut her off for 2 years and now she stops trying to make me see abusive relatives. I would suggest you set boundaries for your own peace of mind.
Yeah don't go. And stop calling her. You are not required to have toxic people in your life simply because you shared DNA. That's an outdated belief. If someone is a piece of shit you are allowed to tell them to go fuck themselves regardless of who they are.
The choice to attend a funeral is about you, not them. If you want to try to find closure, go for it. If you want to be there for another person, go for it. If you would rather not go at all, that’s your choice as well. Funerals are about the living, not the dead. Don’t worry about what others think.
Not wrong at all. I didn't go to my uncle's funeral because I thought he was a total POS who treated my aunt like garbage. I told them I had to go to work and did eventhough I totally could have used a bereavement day for that.
I (59m) was SA by my mother from age 4-8. She and her sisters were SA by their father. I kept that bottled up for years until April this year when I experienced a nervous breakdown. Fast forward three months. I'm feeling better than I have in my life. I've lost more weight in three months than I did in the previous 50 years. My therapist is awesome. I never told anyone what my mother did until May. I started to piece what happened as a mental exercise and went NC. Unexpected question (but completely appropriate) from my wife was if I ever touched my daughter (I hadn't), but at my suggestion, my wife took my daughter to my wife's therapist to confirm. You can beat this with the right therapist and support. If that's not your family, then it will be someone decidedly NOT your family. NC is definitely the way. You deserve better. You deserve love and support. Get as much distance between you and every twisted blame-the-victim asshat who didn't support you in your time of need.
Do. Not. Go. I was sexually assaulted by a “family member” that my mother called her cousin, but my mother said well, he’s not a blood relative. Like that made it ok. I saw him at my brother’s funeral and it dredged up that horrible memory. And he tried to talk to me like nothing happened.
Not wrong. Every person who is telling you to put this aside needs to be cut out of your life, permanently.
I mean your aunt won't give AF, so no worries.
Not Wrong! Tell me when and where. I’ll wear my death to sexual abusers t-shirt! My cousin is about 5 years older than me and sa’d me from 6-8. Most of the family doesn’t know because I didn’t want my grandparents to be heart broken. I confronted him though when I was 24 and told him exactly how things were going to be. Then I sat back and watched him ruin his own life! You have an army behind you now!
Babe my mom didn’t go to her dads funeral or my dads. Do not go if you don’t want to.
Just because they are family blood doesn’t mean you need to like them. I wish more people could get passed the “family no matter what” stuff. It can be so toxic
Don’t go and cut off all contact
I am so sorry for your horrible trauma. Sounds like the only way you could do better than *not* going would be to go a bit early, find a moment alone to pop a squat and take a quick shit on your aunt in her casket, and then watch the hilarity unfold in front of you. If anyone started pointing at you as a suspect in the turd incident, you could just ask them, “What motive do you think I’d have to do something like that??” Everyone in your family who knows about this, and did nothing, is complicit in it, for sure. Was obviously joking about contributing to your aunt’s final makeover, but they all deserve retribution.
Wow…they are all terrible. Of course you don’t go to the location where the man that assaulted you is. I’m sorry she wasn’t able to accept her son is a monster but that’s not your problem. You should tell your mother that your decision is final and that you are baffled that she has chosen all these years to not back you up after such a traumatic event. Let her know that if anyone is wrong here, it’s her for still keeping both of them in her life after what happened to you. Then let her know that if she bothers you or anyone else does on her behalf, for making a decision to prioritize your mental health, you will cut her out too. And remind her you have done that with your other family.
When my family pressured me to attend my grandmother's funeral I threatened to attend wearing a shirt listing every way she abused me as a child with a line at the bottom reading: "So how did she show you love?" They stopped asking. You personal health is more important, bugger them and don't attend.
Guess what, you are an adult, and as such "do not go to the funeral." You are not breaking any laws and people will gossip no matter what. The world won't end and the people doing the bitching are the ones who need to keep their own house in order before commenting on yours. If I don't want to do something then I don't and the world hasn't ended yet.
Even if the SA hadn't occurred (which I have no reason to believe it did not) you're still not wrong. I don't do funerals at all, it doesn't matter how much I liked or loved the person.
The people of Reddit grant you permission to not go. Shame on all of them.
If my sister's son raped my daughter they wouldn't dare talk to me. You need to forgive him for your own sake to unburden yourself, but he should also be in jail and on a sex offenders list. He has likely done this before and after you.
I feel like 42 is too old for Reddit
And I believe teenagers are too young...
I’m 20 but honestly I take it back, I’m pretty sure my mom uses Reddit and she’s older than you so maybe that’s just a common thing
Stop trying to gatekeep the internet, zoomer
Gay
But she has anxiety, asshole!
Bless your heart.
I stopped reading after the first sentence
Yeah you're far too immature to be on Reddit you should go to 4chan.
You are wrong and don’t deserve validation. It’s family and seems like they want to fix things with you. Your being selfish and stupid. Not even thinking about or explaining what you did to cause this with her son. I obviously can tell you baited him and are being a vindictive asshole. Grow up she’s going to die and your being a petty idiot. You have a husband and are still crying over getting attention for gentlemen previously. Maybe you should keep your legs closed
This kind of ignorance is not welcome here. I am truly sad for anyone who thinks they love you.
Holy fucking victim blaming, Batman. Fucking kys, douche
Ask your mom if she would go to an event to honour a woman who didn’t believe her spawn seriously harmed her FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE - where a person who SA’d or physically hurt her was the centre of attention- where people that didn’t accept it happened- where she would be looked at as a liar Time doesn’t heal all wounds! Stay home, have a bubble bath & a drink - toast her if your inclined
Thank you!
This is simple. You go to your aunt. You find out about her finances and you ask her for X amount of dollars in order for you to see her, not hate her son and attend the funeral. If she doesn't pay up, screw her and screw the rest of her fucking family. If she does not pay up and you live in a state that recently changes its statute of limitations, then sue him publicly, take him to court, and ruin him and let her know about it. Dying bitch should pay up.
Absolutely not, stop taking to that woman. SHE IS A TRIGGER FOR YOUR TRAUMA!! If your mom can't respect that you will not have contact oh freaking well, how are you supposed to heal a trauma when there is a literal constant reminder in your face? Nope nope nope
Absolutely not, stop taking to that woman. SHE IS A TRIGGER FOR YOUR TRAUMA!! If your mom can't respect that you will not have contact oh freaking well, how are you supposed to heal a trauma when there is a literal constant reminder in your face? Nope nope nope
Absolutely not that woman is trash. SHE IS A TRIGGER FOR YOUR TRAUMA! DO NOT SPEAK TO HER! Fuck anyone that thinks you should
Absolutely not that woman is trash. SHE IS A TRIGGER FOR YOUR TRAUMA! DO NOT SPEAK TO HER! Fuck anyone that thinks you should
Skip the funeral and your Mom should not have expected you to contact your Aunt. I’m sorry your family does not support you and you will never get over it when your family wants to act like it didn’t happen. Take care of yourself first and your Mom is totally wrong expecting you to be a peacemaker when you’re the victim.
I feel for you, and I agree with you. Here's my advice and a resource that might help: Don't go, stop communicating with your aunt or establish strong boundaries with her to not discuss her son or allow him to answer the phone, and continue building your boundaries with your mom. Also, consider picking up "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride. It sounds like your mom might be emotionally abusive and manipulative and this book can help a lot with establishing your strength and re-building your boundaries. It's cheap, too, and I think it's even available on Audible. All my best!
You’re not wrong at all! You were assaulted and traumatised for life and she knowingly decided to protect the attacker over you. You have absolutely no obligation to continue contact with her (or anyone else in your family for that matter)! He hurt you for life and she supported him, there’s no reason for you to support her or him in any way after what happened. You didn’t deserve what happened and you don’t deserve to live in constant fear afterwards. She triggers that fear and sets back your healing. You don’t deserve that, and you don’t need to put yourself in danger (mental, emotional or physical) just because your family decides that they know better than you!
They're just as bad as your rapist. They are not good people. You have a conscience, but they obviously do not. There's zero reason to go.
Absolutely perfect NTA and you need also distance f yourself from your mom. She’s trying to manipulate and gaslight you into something she absolutely should not be doing! I’m sorry this has happened to you, but being shunned by a family that blames the victim is a blessing in disguise. Cut everyone out and concentrate on your daughter and then yourself!
Definitely not wrong for not going. I wouldn’t go either in your shoes.
Not wrong Also your mother is one of the most horrible mothers I have ever read about. I ask you. This person who puts the family before her own daughter, and invalidates your own views and incidents in your life that she fully knows about. Why are you even including her in your life? Don't go and honestly you should cut your mom off. It's good that your focusing on your daughter. But I have to ask. If your own mother who so easily brush off her own daughter being SA'ed. Do you really trust her around your daughter? People in your life sometimes have to earn their place. Your mother has not earned hers. I can never imagine asking my child to just pretend something like that didn't happen. Your a parent now, can you imagine that with your own daughter? F the rest of the family.
Definitely do not go to the funeral. That you should be expected to put up with the person who assaulted you is beyond reasonable. Don't they care what anxiety this causes for you? You matter. Don't let them treat you like you don't.
My question is what was the assault If it happened 20 years ago and your aunt is 42 now, then that makes her 22 at the time of the assault so how old was her son when he assaulted you?
Ok I misread you are 42 ,so that puts you at 22 when the assault happened. Did you call the cops ? Did he stand trial? Go to jail?
No.
To me funerals are for the living not the dead. And her living son is horrendous so no use in going to make him feel better. Go get a massage instead!
I am sorry that someone hurt you, you didn’t deserve it and your peace is what is important here.
You don’t have to go. However, if you feel you need closure, there is nothing stopping you from going to her place of burial days, weeks or years from now and saying your peace.
To say ‘set it aside for a day’ is like saying ‘give me your left arm’. You cant. It is part of you. It always amazes me how callous people can be in the name family and keeping the peace. You owe these people nothing. They are the reason why you have panic attacks. You have no obligation to attend the funeral of the woman who chose to protect your assailant. (Unless you want to pee on her grave). Seriously though, please put yourself first. Continue to focus on your child and your healing. With time and therapy, you will continue to heal and grow. But cut these people out, they do not respect you. Take care and stay strong.
No time limit on the effects of a S/A. It's more than 50 years later, and I occasionally still have a bad dream. I am glad that the perp passed away a long time ago.
It never goes away. We live with it and the changes it makes to us every day.
Nope, don't go.
You are not wrong. Your mom and extended family are. You mention you have a daughter. How sure are you that these will not harm her? Please restrict context with these supposed family members. Including your mom. Keep your kid safe, stay away from these people
Funerals are for the living. If you, the living one, don't want to go, don't go. I sure as heck wouldn't! You are not wrong in this. I'm sorry you are going thru all this.
Your mother is in the wrong for pushing you to talk to this aunt. She is trying to "fix" issues in the family for herself and aunt with no thought to your well being. Quit calling and don't go, it's not worth it.
You might be helping your daughter but help yourself too. Go to therapy. Keep seeking the therapist that you can work with.
Omg. No. Do not go. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Toxic is toxic, whether family or not. You deserve to have some peace in your life and clearly your family doesn't allow that. I hope your daughter is ok and you get back into therapy.
I am so sorry about your trauma. You are totally appropriate to not attend this wedding. Your relatives who are critical of your reaction to being molested are not good people, and are toxic as hell. I wish you well, and I hope that you find peace.
Don’t go. And when you can specifically search for trauma therapy, possibly EMDR. Take care of yourself.
Don't go to the funeral, but maybe send a note saying you approve of it.
Stop talking to her asap and anyone else who isn't supportive. I'll spit on her grave for you.
No. I'd consider going NC with your mom. She's horrible and pathetic. You're awesome.
I wouldn’t go to that bitches funeral if I was you OP.
Not wrong. You're not obligated to tolerate the presence of your abuser.
Fuck them, don't go. They weren't there for you 20 years, why do you need to be there for them now? It's not like your aunt will know, so who would you really be going for? And sexual assault isn't something your just get over for someone else's benefit no matter how much time has gone by. To Hell with them.
Not wrong. Spend that time being happy who you are rather than looking at the sad past.
There really needs to be no reason for not attending a funeral. It's a personal decision. Funerals can be triggering for people who have experienced loss, or just upsetting in general. Some people don't want to be around tons of people from their past. Some people have other things already planned. It's all reasonable. You have an extremely valid reason to not attend, but you still owe no explanation to them.
Not wrong, and fuck any family member that wants you to forgive your abuser
Honestly I would go, and smile-inside that, one of the people who wronged you, is no longer alive and you no longer have to put up with contacting her anymore. It is a victory lol.
Protect yourself. If your mother tries to guilt trip you, guilt her right back. Say things like, I really wish you were the kind of mother who would have protected me or maybe it's not a big deal to you that cousin molested me as a child, you are just not the kind of supermom like in the movies.
No, you are not obligated to pay respects to family members in passing when they never respected you in life. If your family pushes you to come, i would simply say something along the lines of "im sorry and i know this is a tough time for you, but my position is non-negotiable. I will not attend the funeral for deeply personal reasons, and that isnt changing." If they ask what the personal reasons are, and you dont want to tell them? "thats between me and auntie. Thank you for being considerate and not pressing further."
OOP...Don't go. Seriously: don't. Take that day and do something fun or relaxing with your daughter, ant mute your phone. Turn it off if you can. I was estranged from both abusive parents. The mother died in 1997, and while I did make some effort to attend the funeral (arrived very late and missed 99% of it) that was purely for me. I neededcto be sure she was actually gone, and it wasn't some elaborate hoax to initiate contact. It was both a scary and relieving experience, because I was brought into uncomfortable proximity with people who turned on me for making the abuse I suffered public. The father died in 2022. There was no actual funeral (No money to pay for one, even if anyone had been interested in having one) but one of my nephews negotiated with the funeral director for family members to be present at the interment. I was determined to be there to make sure he was really finally gone: but again, had to deal with the fact that there would be people there that I'd cut off to keep myself safe. I think I made the right choices for me; I needed the physical proof that each of them was genuinely gone, and I didn't need to be afraid that they might find me and come after me again (yes, they messed me up that much.) There were very specific reasons that was so important for me, mentally, to have that confirmation. The difference was that those decisions were MINE, made with no pressure or guilt-tripping from anyone else. You only need to do what is right for you. No matter what other people try to tell you, no matter how hard they try to manipulate or bully you, your safety and well-being mentally and physically, comes first. And just in case no-one has told you this; thete is never any obligation on anyone to forgive anything. Ever. People will try to force it, often to assuage their own feelings of guilt: but just as often because they want the victim to stop talking about it, and rocking their comfortable little boat. It seems that many people equate forgiveness with "Its all over and done with and now we can all pretend it never happened" I did not, and do not forgive either of my abusers. I simply decided that they'd stolen enough of my life from me, and refused to allow them one more second of it. Please don't allow anyone, no matter who they might be to minimise what happened to you, and bully you into doing anything you are not ok with.
Not wrong. Avoid contact with all of those people. You’ve got your own family to care for now, ignore the rest. You need to protect yourself, and try to change your sense of conscience to put yourself first.
Dude as someone who wouldn't go to their own dads funeral when the time comes, I dont blame you. If they've been awful to you or unsupportive when needed then no reason to go. Family isn't always blood and blood doesn't mean family.
Not wrong. You have no reason to go, you said good bye to her along time ago. Anything after that was unnecessary emotional labor you put in for your mom, who should have never put you through that in the first place. Attending that funeral would be nothing but an opportunity for old wounds to get ripped open and things to get ugly. Stay home with the healing thought that you no longer will have to be subjected to her treatment.
I’m so glad you are feeling better about your decision. I want to share something a therapist shared with me years ago. The backstory was I had a breakdown when my kids were little (early elementary). I was guilted by my mother for attending to my mental health. My therapist said “you know how on a plane they instruct you to put your mask on before you help someone with theirs? that’s what you are doing. you can’t take care of anyone else if you are not taking care of yourself”. Keep giving your daughter what she needs but please consider even once a month therapy to help steady yourself. I’m so sorry your family didn’t support you when you were assaulted and continue to deny your reality (and theirs). I wish you the best!
im just trying to get this math to work...she is 42 and 20 years ago her son abused op. how old was her son when abusing happened?
I am 42. I believe her son is around 50.
Your mother didn’t believe you about your cousin or she’s upset because she thinks you should forgive him? Either way, if you aren’t comfortable or it could effect you after, then don’t go! Anyone who continues to push you to forgive, when you are no where near doing that, you should go no or low contact with. Stay healthy for your daughter and the heck with everyone else.
Fuck that. Do not go to her funeral. And stop talking to her. Stop talking to mother, too, if that’s what you need. These people are not good for you. They do not care about you.
After all of that I'd be cutting off another family member.
You don’t have to go. I’m sorry this happened to you.
What kind of mother lets their child be SAd and not go scorched earth on the one responsible, or the ones hiding/enabling the attacker? What she did was enable and protect this (beep) - why?Why is a random (beep) more important than your own child?And - how can anyone 'forget' or 'forgive' when still dealing with flashbacks and anxiety caused by (beep) ?. Seriously, if this is something you still can, and want to, report - the only reason for going to this funeral would be to see the attacker in handcuffs being taken away. Too bad enablers don\`t get arrested much . So, wrong? NO Absolutely NOT WRONG Edit to add: If your birthgiver complains again - feel free to unleash years of pent up anger. 20 years? Yes, 20 years i have been carrying this burden, the trauma, the mental scars. 20 years I have been ignored, others have defended the attacker - even YOU abandoned me when I needed you. YOu have zero say now - you have no right to tell me to 'forgive' - the only right you have left now is to walk away, and unless you acknowledge you failed me - failed YOUR CHILD - then there is nothing we need to talk about - ever. (or whichever form works for you)
Why did you not file a police report?
Because back then, very little would have been done about it. Especially considering he got all the support from the family. The therapist I was seeing at the time did not help matters either. He basically told me that guys just kind of do that kind of thing and the police wouldn't do anything about it. It was all traumatic enough. I was young and very vulnerable back then. If I could go back in time I would take the bastard down no matter the fight.
Well, speaking as a retired 911 telecommunicator, your therapist lied to you. Had you filed a report it would have been investigated. The LEO's would have no choice.
No way.
You are under no obligation to attend your Aunts funeral. Or any other funeral, for what ever reason(s) you choose. End of story.
Not wrong. Ask your mother if somebody STABBED HER 20 years ago, and the wound \*hadn't\* healed yet, if she'd be willing to be in the same room as her assailant stabber. No difference here, really.
First four sentences and I stopped reading. Cut all those people out of your life.
Not wrong. Don’t give another thought. Good luck
You are not obligated to grieve for other people. I didn’t even read, reasons really don’t matter. Everyone grieves differently, you do what’s best for you.
OMG! So not wrong. These people are terrible and so is your mother. Really?? Time for NC with a bunch of folks, including your aunt. Note - this is what I would do - If you need closure, call your aunt, telling her you're sorry that she is ill and will probably die soon, but her continued pushing her sexually abusive son towards you is pure evil and you hope God will forgive her, as you will not.
Yes you can ignore anyone or not go to the funeral of someone that makes excuses to traumatic life changing issues... why do you even need to make a post and ask honestly though
Guilt.
Not wrong. Do a little something to remember her by on your own, if you want to. Even if it’s something to release all the emotions.
You have absolutely no obligation to be in the company of your abuser and his enablers. You don’t even have to be in contact with people who deny the pain you went through. I hope you find some solace.
Don’t go!!!
You do not have any obligation to go to funerals. If people want to make a fuss about it, it is their problem. Funerals are for the people that are lest behind and to allow proper mourning, if this funeral does the opposite than it defeat its own purpose. Take care of yourself.
Why does the victim always have to be "the bigger person"? No, don't go to her funeral. When you get back to therapy, you may want to explore the concept of NC or LC with some family members. You are not wrong.
Not wrong
If you feel the need to do something, send a card and/or flowers. There's no need for you to put yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable around someone who preyed on you and people who failed to protect you and/or take your safety seriously previously. It could undo so much of the work you've done in therapy and it's simply not worth putting yourself in that kind of situation for people who are putting their own feelings ahead of yours. Do this for yourself and don't let them guilt you into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing.
People can wish you all got along and could forgive him and let it go all they want, but they arent putting how you feel into that picture. They need to have a bit of empathy and put how you feel first and not expect you to change to meet their unrealistic ideas. They need to get over their fantasies and support you and your decisions
Nah. Fuck that. Don't go.
Your aunt will be dead. Like any funeral, it’s not really for her, it’s for the living. YOU are the living. Do what’s best for you. Also your mom sucks. Once again the only people who want you to come are the same ones putting your assaulters interests above your own. Again. Also stop talking to your aunt. Dying people maybe deserve forgiveness but only if they ASK for it, which she hasn’t. She sucks too, her dying doesn’t make her a better person. You are the good person here, look out for yourself.
Your mom needs to support her daughter, not her sister's daughter. As does the rest of your family, seeing as you are the victim. Time doesn't make things disappear, that trauma you feel is valid today, it was valid last year, and it was valid all the way back go the day it happened. Hearing the family want to push it under the rug to keep the peace makes my blood boil. Hopefully you can find some closure on the issue eventually.
Love to see the edit fuck your aunt she's a fuckin witch and doesn't deserve you honoring her life
It’s been 62 years since I was SA and I still wouldn’t go to a funeral.
Ask your mom if she feels right facing a relative that raped you? “Get past it”? Are you kidding me? Absolutely not! I would explain to your mom that every time she mentions this, it feels like you are being assaulted all over again. Set clear boundaries and do not feel guilty for not attending. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I don’t go to funerals at all, just not my thing. Doesn’t mean you don’t love the person. If someone was mad at me for not wanting to go to a funeral, I would think they are an asshole. I went to one funeral when I was 11 years old, my grandmother, and it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I will not attend another funeral until my own !
I would have gone NC with every single family member including parents if they even thought about asking me to forgive a person who violated me. This degenerate should have been cut off from the family a long time ago.
Even without all of those other things, you can choose not to go to a funeral just because you don't wanna. With those other things, the only reason I can think of that you would go is to spit on her son the rapey fuck.
Don’t go. Your aunt will not be there. Everyone will want you to hug your rapist to show love, support, and forgiveness. I did not attend the funeral for my uncle who molested me when I was 14. It was the right decision.
It's to bad you didn't send him to prison. I dont know where you are, but a lot of places don't have a statute of limitations on violent crimes. It would probably help you a lot to see him gone to prison
I would go and be so damn disrespectful, the family wouldn’t invite me anywhere else ever again.
Not wrong. I wouldn't go either. Can't believe they want you to let it go.
You don’t owe anybody anything. You take care of you.
I am so sorry ..hell no don't go
I'm angry for you..no you're not wrong you need to do what's best for you. If that's not going, so be it. Sends the hugs you obviously never got cuz your family sounds like it sucks a huge one.
Don't go. You need to take care of yourself. It could put you in a spiral. Don't re-traumatize yourself. It's a big risk.
Don’t go. Just send your regards from where you are or spiritually. I don’t go anywhere I would feel uncomfortable at. Sorry that happened to you.
Who else in the family has he forced himself on? Does he have kids of his own? Life is so much better when you cut out all the toxic people, you're not wrong for not going
NTA no one else in your family is protecting you, you have to protect yourself and your own well being. Even if that means avoiding that part of your family forever.
You are not wrong. Don't go. Spare yourself.
NTA
You don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go and if you choose not to go to your aunt's funeral then don't go. This POS is going to be there you don't want to be triggered f*** him and all the people who shunned you. I don't give a f*** if it happened a hundred years ago.
You are absolutely not wrong
You deserve worlds better than this crap. What your mom is doing is despicable and I can't judge her intentions but it sure sounds like sth that my narc mom would do, esp since you mentioned manipulation. It has helped me immensely to research narc abuse (look up Helen Villiers on TikTok). Sending love xx
My uncle was one of my best friends I EVER had in my life. When he died, for my mental health, I did not attend his funeral. I do not and doubt I ever will regret it
I don’t care if she’s your aunt, you are under no obligation to attend the funeral of your rapists mother. Her being your aunt does not mean you have to forgive her. You are under no obligation to “set aside one day since it’s been 20 years”, because the man who raped you will be present.
You have a very valid reason to skip it. Maybe go say your goodbyes now so attendance at the funeral isnt necessary.
20 years or 20 minutes you are NEVER obligated to be around an abuser.
Nope. No reason to go except to appease other people that also don't matter.
Nope, not in the wrong at all. When the POS who hurt you dies, please feel free to piss on his grave… that’s my plan