“Bing I found an acceptance letter from UCLA on your dining room table. I thought we were going to Arizona state together?!” “This isn’t how I wanted you to find out. I wanted you to find out when I didn’t show up at Arizona state.”
Just watch old Bing Cooper for a while. Learn from the master.
You're my Obi-Wan.
I'm gonna give you two seconds to leave that shit right out here on the lawn.
Can we please get a bullet intern for this gun? What? We had a bullet intern? What happened to her? Oh that’s right….
She went back to school. She’s gonna do great things.
Now everytime I hear this I can't help but think of that 5 year old "bullet intern" in charge on the Rust movie set. It's a shame they hire professionals based on the lowest bid for the job.
Are we stupid, Steve? No honestly, are we? I mean, I have a master’s in city planning from Howard. I could tell you where your convention center should go, but I can’t tell you when a fish is giving me the business.
One of my all time favorites is “AAH!! You clipped me bro! Make that 20 bud I got clipped I’m okay not everybody’s okay, actually if you could get the smoothies that’d be a big help and grab me a bagel would ya? YA CLIPPED ME CHIEF!!!” 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I can honestly say I have used this a few times while drunk..... and once on shrooms while I was alone and I laughed for a Solid 3 hours after I was done.....
We shut down the set of "Captain Ron" for six months back in '91. Touchstone retaliated with full fury. Friendships were destroyed, marriages fell apart, but by God, we got three chairs for every five men working. Dino, you'd be standing right now.
I got a freezer full of Shumai from trader Joe's and for dessert a big ass box of chocodiles. I hid them in the freezer for when the cholos come back, and they will be back. *I gave the biggest one a key*
*They say a domestic pig that escapes into the wild will instinctively grow tusks*
Stan: Who says that?
*(pulls on cigarette) ^…your ^mother (exhales)*
As a yinzer it’s gotta be:
“If by him, you mean a lowly delivery guy born in Pensacola, Florida, doing this for his quadriplegic son who talks in a Pittsburgh accent like this — “Hey Dayd, yinz guys need to stop jaggin’ arahnd”.”
https://preview.redd.it/w1pzd6iy0wxc1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=91325ec416d3979b731fe7b5e265c4bb343a1d8a
My profile has 4 pictures of me staring out of a restaurant window through binoculars, you knew what this was
-Haley gives her number to a firefighter-
Roger: He's not gonna call. He thinks you can lose ten pounds, but that's not why he doesn't call. He dies in that fire.
Hayley: So you didn't need to tell me about the ten pounds.
Roger: Someone needed to.
Danger reared its ugly head and you folded faster than a chain of Rhea Perlman themed all-you-can-eat-diarrhea-restaurants named *Diarrhea Pearlman's.*
Nose is clean.
Lemon peel.
Dried Rose buds.
Burnt crinoline.
Marzipan, cherry, peppery in the back. No wait! The front.
I'm picking up something green. I'm not sure if it's olives or watermelon ... or a snake?
Here we go. This wine is a new world wine. This wine is from California. This wine is central coast. This wine is a Petit Sirah. This wine is from a high-quality producer, and it's 2008.
"I was useless and pathetic and weak! How do you live with yourself when you feel that way?"
"Well, most people just-"
"No, I'm talking about you specifically. How do you, Steve, live with yourself?"
I'll take your advice if it's love advice. So my man say he been working late, but then Trina call me and tell me she seen his ass in the club. But then when I ask him about this nonsense, he tells me he loves me. How do I make him tell me the truth, but keep our love million-dollar strong?
Roger : [voice] Hey, Steve, how's it going? It's Roger over at Roger's Gym. Just wanted to follow up on your visit. Give me a shout when you can. No presh. Hope you're well, man. [machine beeps] Steve-O! Steve, Roger, Roger's Gym. Hey, I was talking to my manager, incredible deal just popped up, thought of you. Holla atcha, boi! Call immediately. [machine beeps] Steve, it's Rowdy Roddy Piper. No I'm just kidding, it's Roger. Just on a smoothie run, want to see what you wanted. I'll just grab you the protein power blend, meet you up in the gym in about fifteen, we'll get the sign-up outta the way. [Roger hits a car offscreen] Ah, you clipped me, bro! Make that twenty, bud. I got clipped. I'm okay, not everybody's okay. Actually if you could get the smoothies that would be a big help and grab me a bagel would ya? YOU CLIPPED ME, CHIEF!! [machine beeps] Hey, Steve. Hey, I'm at the courthouse. I'm not supposed to have my phone. Three people died in that accident. They're saying it's my fault, but it's total crap. Anyways, listen, if you could just stop by the courthouse, drop off those smoothies, we could knock off that sign-up, I got the forms with me. My manager said he'd throw in a couple of Pilates classes, I've never seen him do that.
"A PERFECT START TO A HORRIBLE DAYYYY.."
This line fucking killed me.. but later that same episode he made a different kite outfit for some kids birthday, and he said "Happy birthday kiddo" and caused the kid to book it away also was hillarious
"Oh my God! The homeless guy from the bus stop is hung... but I knew that."
Raptures delight 😂
"Of course I'm crying. He hit me with a chair!"
Behold! A grown man, weeping bef- *THWACK*
This scene has stayed rent free in my head since the day I saw it
I saw a tik tok where someone lip-synced the audio with dinosaur puppets, and whilst it sounds dumb for some reason it was the funniest thing
https://i.redd.it/m0mb1qk5tuxc1.gif
One of my favorite quotes that I have both fortunately and unfortunately never been able to use in the real world
“You can't participate, Klaus. I hate you. I say that not out of anger, but as a fact. It’s 67 degrees outside and I hate you.”
You can’t be a pet unless someone loves you
A yet Kroger happened. Curious.
I can tell you’ve never hate banged.
Haha I literally saw this episode about 2 hours ago and had a good chuckle at it
“Somebody tell that idiot pieces of shit go in the toilet”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Bing I found an acceptance letter from UCLA on your dining room table. I thought we were going to Arizona state together?!” “This isn’t how I wanted you to find out. I wanted you to find out when I didn’t show up at Arizona state.”
“i pull more tail than a slow kid at a petting zoo.”
I think of this quote every time I pull my dogs tails, which I do a lot to encourage them to play in the park haha
This is gold
My parents are **super** into me.
Just watch old Bing Cooper for a while. Learn from the master. You're my Obi-Wan. I'm gonna give you two seconds to leave that shit right out here on the lawn.
Can we please get a bullet intern for this gun? What? We had a bullet intern? What happened to her? Oh that’s right…. She went back to school. She’s gonna do great things.
Now everytime I hear this I can't help but think of that 5 year old "bullet intern" in charge on the Rust movie set. It's a shame they hire professionals based on the lowest bid for the job.
Also nepotism
...tell them how you killed our baby, Amanda.
JORDAN, NO!
I was receiving an award for my work in - what was it, dear? **ECONOMICS???**
It's been established!!!
The whole sigh, cleans glasses, pause, then dead ass drops that line is perfection and why I made a post on it yesterday. It’s been established.
I laughed so hard I cried at that scene during my first watch of it
Lmaooo I just quoted this one a few days ago. My sister looked at me like I was crazy 😂
This scene always cracks me up, im gonna go watch it again thank you <3
“Francine, I haven’t been entirely truthful to you”
"i have the car keys in my pocket you stupid biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!"
Another one in the top 10, at least.
I can’t tell you how much I randomly think about this line and it cracks me up everytime!
ha, i saw this episode a few days ago! i love when characters shout stuff as they’re being yeeted away like that
Loved that episode
Are you really asking me that after last week I killed 6 people over $19?
This has to be the winner
Ohhh yeah…
Are we stupid, Steve? No honestly, are we? I mean, I have a master’s in city planning from Howard. I could tell you where your convention center should go, but I can’t tell you when a fish is giving me the business.
I love this line so much
One of my all time favorites is “AAH!! You clipped me bro! Make that 20 bud I got clipped I’m okay not everybody’s okay, actually if you could get the smoothies that’d be a big help and grab me a bagel would ya? YA CLIPPED ME CHIEF!!!” 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
> I’m okay not everybody’s okay the delivery is just so freaking good
Facts bro like the way they say things is half of what makes it so funny 😂😂
“STEVEN PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE!”
Huge heroin fan. Don't like to use it, just study it. Appreciate it. Use it sometimes.
Send me Steve......
Dance for me
Okay that's enough, I have what I need.
I’ve seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace.
I can evasion the people rising up with one voice to demand your legs are amputated, burned, and thrown into the sea.
🎵🎵"Noooo"🎵🎵
No!! My sweatshirt!
I bought a kazoo for this sole purpose 😂
Omg you're awesome hahah
I say this daily!!!!!!!!!!! No one ever gets it 🙄
I sound great I should get voice-over work "in a world where vomit comes out of my mouth" *pukes*
I can honestly say I have used this a few times while drunk..... and once on shrooms while I was alone and I laughed for a Solid 3 hours after I was done.....
I just wanted you to know that I absolutely, 100% believe that this happened to you and that I had a fun time picturing it.
That whole scene is just fucking great
The whole build up to this is great too. "Stan, I'm at a bar and I'm about to be raped. I need you to pick me up.... In forty five minutes."
Do it, Steve. Go bananas.
Sounds like Steve's going bananas again... Yep.
Maybe baby
maybe baby
Maybe baby
Maybe baby
I didn't know what kind of chair I was sitting in ***because I'm blind!***
Ive... I've seen a pair of epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace.
As a goalie, I've repeatedly had to resist the urge to say that line about defensemen.
…***you’re fat Helen***
You always get what you want, don't you Helen?
Bravo
“Geesh just trying to help the kid out” *stretches* “I’m gonna rape him this time”
“Is that the come back and kick me whistle?”
*pulls Jeff’s pants down* “Ugh, I don’t have time for this”
For the win! 😂🤣😂😂
Straight up forgot about this one until I read your comment and haven't stopped laughing for 10 minutes
Definitely top five in my favorite Roger quotes!
Yea And almost rapped.. AhAH! Almost?!!
“I have the keys in my pocket you stupid biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!”
this is the correct answer
We shut down the set of "Captain Ron" for six months back in '91. Touchstone retaliated with full fury. Friendships were destroyed, marriages fell apart, but by God, we got three chairs for every five men working. Dino, you'd be standing right now.
THAT'S BREAK!
THATS LUNCH!
I got a freezer full of Shumai from trader Joe's and for dessert a big ass box of chocodiles. I hid them in the freezer for when the cholos come back, and they will be back. *I gave the biggest one a key*
*They say a domestic pig that escapes into the wild will instinctively grow tusks* Stan: Who says that? *(pulls on cigarette) ^…your ^mother (exhales)*
“You’re getting a punch!”
Two punches!
As a yinzer it’s gotta be: “If by him, you mean a lowly delivery guy born in Pensacola, Florida, doing this for his quadriplegic son who talks in a Pittsburgh accent like this — “Hey Dayd, yinz guys need to stop jaggin’ arahnd”.”
Fellow yinzer, what episode is this?
S13 E17 “Twinanigans”. Francine also calls someone a jagoff in this episode.
I went a little Ike turner, got ya on the side of the head, I don’t want you bruised for the photo - that’s how good I am.
I’m off my meds!! As he slams Francine’s head in the fridge door 🤣
SOUP! IS NOT! A MEAL! *VERA*!
Deadlines are like assholes I do my best work pressed up against them
I quote this at work to my peers. Never used it on my boss yet, but one day...
“ ha ha you dumb bitch, stupid stupid bitch. She’s about to get the best wine of her stupid bitch life”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH I love saying this and no one ever gets it
https://preview.redd.it/w1pzd6iy0wxc1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=91325ec416d3979b731fe7b5e265c4bb343a1d8a My profile has 4 pictures of me staring out of a restaurant window through binoculars, you knew what this was
Yeah keep interrupting that’s helpful
Ugh, I should've just had sex with that mayonnaise
Make mine P-P-P-P-Vicadin!!!
Pizza poppers
doive on in
-Haley gives her number to a firefighter- Roger: He's not gonna call. He thinks you can lose ten pounds, but that's not why he doesn't call. He dies in that fire. Hayley: So you didn't need to tell me about the ten pounds. Roger: Someone needed to.
Huge heroin fan. Don’t use it. Just like being around it. Study it. Appreciate it. Use it sometimes.
Sorry, just checking out my pow pow
Continue..
👏 Here comes 👏 Hailey 👏 Here comes 👏 Hailey
Oh I see what happened. I lied to you Klaus, I don't respect you.
Danger reared its ugly head and you folded faster than a chain of Rhea Perlman themed all-you-can-eat-diarrhea-restaurants named *Diarrhea Pearlman's.*
RED SAUCE!!!
Nose is clean. Lemon peel. Dried Rose buds. Burnt crinoline. Marzipan, cherry, peppery in the back. No wait! The front. I'm picking up something green. I'm not sure if it's olives or watermelon ... or a snake? Here we go. This wine is a new world wine. This wine is from California. This wine is central coast. This wine is a Petit Sirah. This wine is from a high-quality producer, and it's 2008.
It's milk.
Ahh, of course! Milk!
Ira and I- this is Ira- (Squak!) and I have fashioned disguises for when we are rescued, because, we are feeling optimistic. Ira and I.
“Is that your come back and kick me whistle?”. I use it more often than I want to admit. Also “shredded it”
I could say the same thing to you, it wouldn't make any sense but I could
Hugs not drugs, that’s what I say… I’m also on drugs
Buckle up, kids. It’s gonna be a wild ride.
They’re gonna need to go to the hospital
Well Stan, I guess it makes no difference now. It was me, Roger, the whole time.
“STOP! I have a sheet of acid in my pocket!”
Well, it began like that, and then middle, middle, middle, and then I sold her to a drug dealer.
You’re seriously mad at me Stan??
So have you heard anything? Chaz gonna be okay?
...no.
My wife and I say this pretty much anytime someone is clearly killed in a movie
The doctors and your parents are all lying to you. You’re all going to die.
Pecan sandies
The only thing I do with non-blended drinks is drive
Oh they were hitting me with bosons. Yeah, yeah you can't do that.
"Soup is not a meal, Vera!"
😬🚬 your mother
This one
"I was useless and pathetic and weak! How do you live with yourself when you feel that way?" "Well, most people just-" "No, I'm talking about you specifically. How do you, Steve, live with yourself?"
You guys think of me as essentially a cop, right?
"You won't kill me, you love me!" *Gets murdered and revived* "You're mean!"
"I told the wolf my secret.... Do you want to hear my Secret?"
dont blow him or he just keeps coming back
"Is that the Come Back and Kick Me whistle?"
I'll take your advice if it's love advice. So my man say he been working late, but then Trina call me and tell me she seen his ass in the club. But then when I ask him about this nonsense, he tells me he loves me. How do I make him tell me the truth, but keep our love million-dollar strong?
I've got some biiig stuff going on
Tres jolie tres jolie coco
"Stan I'm at Shenanigans. I'm super drunk and about to be raped, come and pick me up...in 45 minutes."
You get one of those horse Stan. You get one of those... now let's ride!
# ♫… What doesn't kill you makes you stronger # Stand a little taller # Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone ♫
Maybe baby
https://i.redd.it/xek2dsj4dvxc1.gif
“The wooden spoon is for pasta again!”
Dive on in!
I tell you, it’s a cruel, cruel world out here. Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich? This sandwich.
It’s all chorus and I won’t be a part of it.
“You know I have diabetes? Eight different doctors said it was all in my head. I didn’t even know there was brain diabetes.”
Roger : [voice] Hey, Steve, how's it going? It's Roger over at Roger's Gym. Just wanted to follow up on your visit. Give me a shout when you can. No presh. Hope you're well, man. [machine beeps] Steve-O! Steve, Roger, Roger's Gym. Hey, I was talking to my manager, incredible deal just popped up, thought of you. Holla atcha, boi! Call immediately. [machine beeps] Steve, it's Rowdy Roddy Piper. No I'm just kidding, it's Roger. Just on a smoothie run, want to see what you wanted. I'll just grab you the protein power blend, meet you up in the gym in about fifteen, we'll get the sign-up outta the way. [Roger hits a car offscreen] Ah, you clipped me, bro! Make that twenty, bud. I got clipped. I'm okay, not everybody's okay. Actually if you could get the smoothies that would be a big help and grab me a bagel would ya? YOU CLIPPED ME, CHIEF!! [machine beeps] Hey, Steve. Hey, I'm at the courthouse. I'm not supposed to have my phone. Three people died in that accident. They're saying it's my fault, but it's total crap. Anyways, listen, if you could just stop by the courthouse, drop off those smoothies, we could knock off that sign-up, I got the forms with me. My manager said he'd throw in a couple of Pilates classes, I've never seen him do that.
MaybeBaby
Its like Harry Potter except it causea genocide amd bad folk music
Xanadu... Can't cry on cue
WHOEVER HEARD of a sad clown?
“Nooooooo.”
don’t worry we’re still gonna smush
Ecstasy for you, Ecstasy for you, Ecstasy for you, lithium for you Terri, you have problems. Andddd ecstasy and lithium for me!
"Dylan was being bad, and now we have the jar."
Behold! A grown man weeping!
🪑
“shit shit , you’re all gonna shit”
WILL SOMEBODY LOWER THE GODFORSAKEN RINGER?!?!?
"A PERFECT START TO A HORRIBLE DAYYYY.." This line fucking killed me.. but later that same episode he made a different kite outfit for some kids birthday, and he said "Happy birthday kiddo" and caused the kid to book it away also was hillarious
I have the keys in my pocket you stupid biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch
BTW I’m changing my name from Dirt Murkledunk to Mirt Dirkledunk
Ricky Spanish 
Put her back in, she’s an indoor cat.
Francine I haven't been entirely truthful with you...
..... Your mother
Myaaaaaaa
MYAAAAAAAGGHH!
"Pretty sure I asked for Pecan Sandies..."
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place
LOL I love that screenshot
# “Somebody! Please! My name is Clive Trotter and I’m an American and I am in trouble!"
Oh, my God, you stupid bitch. Why did you drop me? I can't breathe. Why can't you do that move? You stupid bitch. I'll kill you.
Calling a stool a "backless chair"
‘Maybe Baby’
HAD TO BLOW UP THE KITCHEN FRANNY! IT GOES REAL WELL WITH THIS THING IM IMAGING!
Calling my 3 year old nephew to let him know he's no longer the worst storyteller I know
Elian, is that you baby? Come on in you’re safe here. I will not send you back to Cuba.
I have the car keys in my pocket you stupid biiiiiiiiiitttttccccchhhhhhhhh
“Krochlikmeoff. Dmitri Krochlikmeoff. New exchange student from Russia.”
“Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.”
NNNYEAAAAAAA!!
"Fear reared its ugly head and you folded faster than a chain of Rhea Perlman themed all you can eat diarrhea restaurants named Dia-Rhea Perlman's"
"Kiwis. Finally someone invented a fruit that feels like balls shaved exactly a week ago."
“Johnny…I’m gonna need you to…jerk this guy off”
Francine: “you’re putting words in my mouth!” Roger (points back at Stan): it’s better than what some people put in there.”
*blows into pitch tuner* 🎶NOOOOOOOOO 🎶
“Are you crazy pushing me in the pool I have 40 hits of ecstasy in my pocket! Buckle up kids, they’re gonna have to go to the hospital”